#okay that was gutwrenching

[cinnamonanddean]

HAHA he's fucking monologuing in his little Darth Vader voice omg.

He's actually making it so that Clark cannot physically be with Lana. Thank God for you, Lex Luthor.

God, look at him watching Clark, the absolute voyeur.

Oh shit what happened?

Holy shit, Oliver took him out??! WOWWWWWW.

That was... anticlimactic.

Oh god, Clark at the truck 😭😭

[stromblessed]

Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows

In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.

If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.

So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.

I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?

However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.

Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)

And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.

Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.

It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.

Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?

While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:

She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.

You see where I'm going with this.

When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:

And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD

When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.

MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS

No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.

And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:

Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!

The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.

And, uh

Yeah.

I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.

But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.

Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:

But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.

There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.

After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:

"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.

Kind of like another bird in this show:

[vaguely-concerned]

just going about my day idly contemplating how some of the ways hawke can interact with a romanced anders are not at all unlike how they interact with leandra (and a bit of carver too, especially with a purple hawke), and then thought about my hawke in the timeline where he romances anders and was hit straight in the face with 'was he ever actually in love, or was he just desperately trying to renegotiate with his mother's ghost in any way he could' and now i need to lie down. this is the power of dragon age 2

[crimeronan]

thinking about the princess AU kiddos properly being kiddos. like elementary-school-aged. the thing about hunter is that you'd EXPECT him to harbor at least Some resentment toward luz for being the favorite and for being naive and for always needing protection as a kid, especially since he is also a kid who is never afforded the same kindness. but the other thing about hunter is that luz was his painkiller WAYYY before he ever needed to be hers.

[puckpocketed]

'go-to prospects blog'... its just hitting me what that anon said . im flattered but a good half the league i got no clue about im sorrieee..... i only care about prospects in these cases:

weird little fella

hockey freak like me

good shitpost material

has hit the griddy <- ask me about rodwin dionicio

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

[cws: non-detailed discussion of both fictional and irl SA/CSA/abuse dynamics, apologia for the previous, homophobia, fetishization of wlw, and anti rhetoric.]

-

having a lot of thoughts about the wider fandom's treatment of the various abuse dynamics present in sdmi--supposedly in the name of being anti-abuse--and how instead it's propagated deeply anti-survivor/abuse apologist sentiment and behavior through where they choose to apply that rhetoric, and where they choose to look the other way.

(first off, if you're someone who does not and has not done this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. second, this is not at all exhaustive of my feelings on the subject and there will probably be more posts about these dynamics and people's behavior toward them in future. as you can imagine by the length of this post that is saying something lmao)

one of the reasons i feel as strongly as i do about the way both canon and fandom have historically been about pericles, pericky, and shitting on anyone who likes them because it Normalizes Abuse(tm), is that their fans are pretty open and emphatic about the fact that it's Fucked Up. it's why we find it compelling. it is vanishingly rare that we don't.

meanwhile, velma is the UwU Cute Sassy Lesbian Icon whose relationship with shaggy was Cringy and Immature (and mutually so 🙃) at worst, when it directly mirrored such visceral aspects of my experience with CSA that i almost threw up rewatching the second episode.

and that's not even getting into how normalized it is for women to abuse men in a relationship, in broad fucking daylight in front of other people, and how men are supposed to Always Want It and it's an insult if they don't, and how the vast majority of CSA--which it overtly is in shaggy's case, he is implied not to be an adult yet--is perpetrated by other kids.

and it's also not getting into the fact that the ~cute lesbian relationship~ is almost certainly going to end up with the other queer girl in the show also being abused, because abusers are not Magically Cured by True Queer Love's Kiss. how it is incredibly difficult for survivors of abuse in a wlw relationship to be acknowledged or get support because then they'd be a Traitor, or people would rather maintain the feel-good fuzzy feelings wlw exist to give them, or they're closeted and it's not safe to let people know they're in a relationship with a woman. how queer relationships, especially between women, are fetishized as cute pure healthy fairytale romances and not dynamics involving real people who might harm each other or be harmed and need help.

and that's not even getting into the fact that mlm are seen as inherently predatory to an extent that the majority of other queer identities are not. how older queer men grooming boys is a classic homophobic stereotype used to justify violence toward them, up to and including lynchings, and how that is the abuse dynamic everyone in the show and fandom latched onto to revile as the Disgusting Evil Predatory One while giving everything else a pass. how mlm have a long history of forced institutionalization and psychiatric torture and abuse, and the Predatory Gay Man is subjected to decades of--you guessed it!--forced institutionalization and psychiatric torture and abuse, which is framed as what he deserved and where he belonged. how he's supposed to be unattractive (and the majority of the people who do this shit lean hard on that), while people are way more likely to give Charming Attractive Aesthetically Pleasing abusers a pass.

this is just..... normal, to the fandom. it's treated as completely normal. and i think that's a whole lot more fucking harmful than finding emotional catharsis in exploring an abusive dynamic that would not fly in broad daylight irl in a million years.

[doctorwhoisadhd]

Oh. Oh dear

[navree]

i have broken down and decided to spend my free time today rereading the bane chronicles (shut up shut up shut up i know okay but shut up) and i forgot how much of a dark horse favorite raphael was for me

[valla-chan]

.

[psalmsofpsychosis]

........ ...... :/

[bejweleds]

you’re posting pics of your s/o today, i’m posting rolling up the welcome mat by kelsea ballerini, we are not the same.

[leftneb]

that oscar was right there as the first to see the wreckage is absolutely gutwrenching btw loscar nation are you okay?

[amarioe]

Incohesive rant about stickfigures incoming, id you're not interested then,, well you know what to do lol. Sorrey i'm a mess after episode 30 of AVM

ALAN BECKER I'M GOING TO KILL YPU ALAN BECKER. ALAN. ALAN. BECKER. IM GOING TO ENS YOUR BLOODLINE. HOW DARE YOU. FUCK. IM GONNA KILL YOU. HOW DARE YOU. FIRST YOU CRUSH MY SOUL WITH TCO. THEN WITH VICTIM. THEN WITH MITSI. I START WATCHING ANIMATION VS MINECRAFT AND YOU HIT ME WITH PURPLES BACKSTORY. OH BUT YOU WERENT DONE WERE YOU?? YOU JUST HAD TO REARRANGE EVERY BIT AND PIECE OF MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AS THE CHERRY ON TOP WITH

THE ORANGE KING.

I swear to god. To minecraft. To all that is good and sane..

IF YOU. EVER. ADD ANOTHER CHARACTER AND PROCEED TO TRAUMATISE THEM SO MUCH I GET TRAUMATISED. I-- A. AUGH. WUGGYA

God..And i thought this was just going to be a silly, fun seeies ro rewatch- something that i would enjoy that still wouldn't take up too much space in my brain so i could focus on school.

Yeah uh, so my calculations were off by several billion lightyears, so now all i can think about is colorful stickmen. First legos and now stickmen.

...

You know i doubt anyone is even reading this, theres just nowhere else i can scream about STUPID ALAN BECKER AND HIS STUPID MASTERFUL WRITING AND HIS STUPID (/aff) LITTLE STICKMEN GUYS AND HIS STUPIDLY GOOD ABILITY TO KNOW EXACTLY WHAT I WANT TO SEE IN A SHOW AND DELIVER IT WITH NO NOTES ON MY SIDE.

FOUND FAMILY. SILLY MISADVENTURES WITH PERIODIC ARCS OF ABSOLUTE GUTWRENCHING LORE.

Okay i think i can have a small semblance of what it's like to be functional again, if you're still reading i am extremely impressed lol- have a cookie for the effort i guess 🍪

[wasyago]

is shinyduo canon in the Trails Gone Cold AU?

(sorry for the barrage of questions in your inbox I’m not okay about your AUs. i too have been consumed by the cave)

as a ship you mean? kind offffff? kinda yes kinda no, i can't decide. i really want gempearl and slabtek to be in this, but also i don't really know if adding romance to this will make it more complicated or take away from the main theme or if it's fine...? like, i love the base state of the au a lot as is....

we talked about it a little, and there were concepts of unresolved feelings and mutual pining. like, gem realized her feelings a lot sooner, but decided to let it play out at its own pace, not feeling rushed to confess and just enjoying what they had. but then pearl died. so they never actually got together and gem never shared her feelings. she waited until it was too late and she was left with nothing.

and that's so gutwrenching!!!!!!!! ah yknow what, screw it they're canon now. like, thinking about it now, it adds a lot to their dynamic (or well, creates the dynamic to begin with), and it doesn't take away anything i thinkkk i hope. and it makes the angst even better...

[hotchnersangel]

The Manuscript.

Aaron Hotchner

a/n; hey so i hate myself after this bc my heart hurtssssssss. Oh my god i cant breathe why have i done that ouch

warnings; implications of sex, heartbreak, age gap, light mentions of eating struggles, emotional hotch

---------------------

You and Aaron had a loving and happy relationship for the most part, no, for the whole part. You always felt safe with him, content when in his arms and no matter what was going on, you knew that it would be okay because you had Aaron, but... now you didn't. You no longer had him and that was the issue, the root of your internal pain- the feeling of claustrophobia as you're trapped within your own body, being suffocated and closed in on very slowly and agonisingly.

Your relationship had happened hard and fast. One day he was your boss, the next you were entwined in his arms and suddenly all you knew was him. Now and then you re-read the manuscript of your relationship. A silly, stupid, gutwrenching piece of paper displayed with your handwriting. The only place the two of you were still together.

The concept seemed silly now but the two of you promised to write out letters to one another on extremely special occasions. It held a greater sentiment than leaving a message when it was handwritten. You had only one but that one manuscript was the bane of your existence, drawing you in like a moth to the flame. It was enough to sentence you to a life imposing as a lamb to slaughter, at his hand. You hated how he always had an effect on you, even after all these years, he was always your because. The manuscript in question? His hand written confession of love. You scoff looking over the paper, tracing your finger over the ink scrawling and silently curse Aaron Hotchner and his utter romantic mind.

'I'm not a donor but I'd give you my heart if you needed it.'

A sentence that haunted the ghost of who she had become.

It had been a very long and passionate night between the two of you. Let's just say age had not effected you man's ability to perform when it came to you. Over and over and over. You were laying in bed besides him, tracing his cheek with the pad of your fingertips, memorising the features of his face. "I don't know what I prefer, being given the opportunity to be this intimate with you... or being able to talk to you about anything and know you still care." "You don't have to prefer one or the other," you reply with a smile, kissing his nose. "You will always have both." "Don't say things like that uness you want to be pushing our baby's stroller," he jokes with a loving smile and you laugh. Your pretty sure your heart just burst with love and adoration for this man.

But, soon it was over.

The reason he broke up with you was 'simple', because of you age gap, he deemed it to be inappropriate. Sure, you were in your late twenties and he may be in his fourties but it had never been a problem to him before.

In the age of him you wished you were thirty, if it meant that much to him. Just a few more years and it would have been fine. You wouldn't have lost the love of your life. Your soulmate, your person. Because that's what he was. He understood you, he accepted you and most importantly- he loved you.

You had dreams while in the relationship and post-relationship about making coffee every morning before work in his fancy new french press. Coffee was a huge part of your job enrichment so to start with a genuinely good coffee was always a reason to smile that day. Though, your favourite part of that damn french press was the coffee scented kisses. Every morning before you got in the car, Aaron made sure to kiss you with every ounce of love he had for you, no matter if you were both running late or urgently called out, he never forgot. The kisses tasted like him, it's strange how the smell and taste coffee could be so distinct to a person; to the point where it takes over all of your senses. You haven't drank coffee since you guys broke up.

After the breakup, you went back home to England to stay with your parents. You never understood how much a breakup could effect you until you stayed in bed all day, not even your own, your mother's bed. She held you as you cried for days on end, trying to coerce you back into an everyday routine once again but soon giving up because she knew it would not work. She regularly brought you a bowl of cereal, trying to get you to eat something. Though, you rarely ate it, especially in the first few days.

"It was your favourite when you were little, I thought maybe some nostalgia could help." Your mom explained with a soft smile, holding you like you were still a baby, because you would always be her aby and all she wanted to do was protect you.

Eventually you started dating again, this time a boy who was your own age. Though, you couldn't help but compare him to your Aaron. This boy was immature, didn't know what he wanted and cared only about parties. A bad choice, you knew that not all boys your age care about so little but they would never compare to Aaron. A man who wrote you a handwritten confession of love and kissed you so gently like you were soon to be framed in an art gallery.

He often told you that you were wise beyond your years which you accepted as a compliment. You had to mature sooner, with the actions of your irresponsible father, you were forced to learn to live without him in your life. Maybe that's part of the initial appeal to Aaron.

Years ad passed since your breakup and life no longer felt real, maybe you over-depended on Aaron but it was far from unhealthy. Your life felt like a cruel drama you watch on an occasional weekend. In the time apart, you went to university back in England, studying a psychology masters with hopes of diverting from police work into psychological fields. But goddamn, everything reminded you of him.

The professor had told us that looking backwards may be the only way to move forward in life, not appealing to us, but to the degree, though it played at your heartstrings and you knew what you had to do.

You booked a flight out to Quantico, Virginia as soon as you could. The plane ride was like a death trap for you. A feeling of distraught ripping at your insides, something that had never truly gone away these past years. Suddenly you wonder if he had been feeling the same these past years. They say water holds memories so when the tears stream down your face with adamant precision, you knew that you were about to rip open a half stitched wound.

The sheet of paper was the only thing you brought with you.

You started to get nervous at seeing him again for the first time in many of years and hopefully, it was the last. Hopefully the dreams would stop, the reminders would stop and you will be okay again.

You walk into the FBI building, the security still recognising you and letting you through the building and you press level 6 when you get into the elevator, for the very last time. You exist the elevator and look into the familiar building, seeing the team in the bullpen as you walk through. Emily looks up and catches your eye, immediately shocked to see you. A ghost of her unit chief's past.

"Hello you- what are you doing here?" She smiles and pulls you into a hug dragging everyones attention. Soon they all swaddle you in hugs and welcomes.

"I'm not here for long, I just came to... drop something off." You say with a flat mouth and you know damn well they can see the effect it is having on you.

"Do you want one of us to give it to him?" JJ asks kindly, placing her hand on your shoulder, offering a polite smile.

In reality they can all see that you had yet to heal from your breakup, you still looked exhausted, you looked hollow. Like a part was taken from you and it seemed all too familiar to them because you looked like Aaron, maybe even in a better condition than him.

"No, I want to seee his one last time." You say simply and point up the stairs. "is he up there?"

They nod and so you knock on the door and open it, your heart shattering at the sight of him. He was far from looking after himself, you knew him enough to tell despite him looking professional. He looks up from his work load and stares at you, his mouth falling into an 'o'.

"What..."

You shake your head, "Aaron, hi." you breathe out softly, a huge weight on your shoulders.

"Hi... please come in." You do but you don't sit.

"I'm here to give-"

"How've you-"

You both overlap one another, letting out a soft sigh with a smile.

"How've you been?" His eyes are glassy, probably from how he was rubbing them to see if you were really stood infront of him or not.

"Fine."

"How's London?" He asks again, softer this time.

"Good. I needed my mom."

"Yes." He nods and looks at you longingy. The silence is thick.

"I- I came to return this." You say softly, handing over the sheets of handwritten paper. "I think it is inappropriate to keep considering our circumstances."

He takes the sheet, his finger brushing against yours and you feel your heart shatter in your chest. Tears burned your eyes and you handed him it and he took it, opening it to see if it was true. He looked at the paper and visibly frowned, tears mimicing yours in his eyes. "You're giving it back? You flew here to...give it back?"

"The only thing that is left in us healing is the manuscript-"

"Oh," he wipes his eyes, not even hiding his feelings. "Can I hug you?"

You nod, knowing this is the last time you will get to experience this again. "Take it as my last souvenir from my trip to your shores." You laugh through tears, holding onto him like it was the last thing you will ever do.

You cry into each others arms, holding one another so tightly. "I re-read that so many times and i realised... the story isn't mine anymore."

[cerealboxlore]

Billy Batson related question, as always! How do you think the League would react to Black Adam knowing who the Captain is, especially when they don’t even know? (The relationship between Billy and Teth doesn’t matter, they could be allies or enemies).

Billy Batson related questions are my personal favorites!

The idea of the Justice League not knowing who Captain Marvel's secret identity is always makes me giggle :D it's the layer of mystery and unknown danger that presents itself behind not knowing who the Big Red Cheese is that keeps them on edge sometimes. They admire their friend, but sometimes they do wonder, are they his friend? What is he? An alien? A human? A monster beneath the disguise of a man? Three kobolds in a trenchcoat? Nobody knows... They do wish to get to know their friend better.

Normally, most league members have their secret identities kept, you know, a secret. With the exception that Batman knows, of course. However, even he remains stumped on this mystery. He doesn't enjoy not knowing who Captain Marvel is behind the boy scout smile he often shines, but Batman is determined to find out one day. There's almost some respect for how well the Captain manages to hide his identity and tracks.

Meanwhile, Billy is surprised he's lasted this long with a secret identity. He's working with a braincell, half an oreo cookie, and a dream.

I got sidetracked, ack! Okay, so the relationship (depending on which version of Captain Marvel and Black Adam you are familiar with) is almost always going to be personal. There's their shared relationship with the wizard Shazam, but the one I'm most familiar with and enjoy is Black Adam being the one to have killed Billy's parents. (Also, I appreciate you separating the identity of Black Adam and Teth!)

It would be absolutely amazing and gutwrenching to see Captain Marvel shake hands with a "reformed" Black Adam, possibly during a public setting with the JL in attendance, fully knowing the truth behind his parents murders and still going through with the painful decision to let him go unpunished.

For Billy, this hurts. On a deep level that scars his heart and soul for allowing his parents deaths to go unavenged. For the years of pain, he spent alone on the streets homeless and separated from his twin sister, none of it can be fully healed no matter how hard he tries to forget. Scars fade over time, but to Billy, time is eternity. This pain will follow him for eternity.

However, as Captain Marvel, he understands that there's more to the situation that he can't control, and fighting Black Adam would only make things worse. With the wisdom of Solomon, he knows he can't justify a fight against the ruler of a nation, no matter what. So he just smiles for the camera and shakes the hand of the man who orphaned him.

It is through holding Black Adam's hand that the thought passes through his mind: the hand he's holding right now was once stained with the blood of his parents.

Then, the heroes are given a moment of privacy to be around each other without the public's eyes or ears to interfere, and that's when **** hits the fan.

Captain Marvel is avoiding Black Adam, understandably, but when Black Adam loudly calls out his name among the other heroes, Billy can't help but feel rage boil inside his divine blood.

"William. I thought you knew better than to ignore others when they're trying to talk to you. Such rudeness, I am most glad your parents were not the ones to raise such behavior in you."

Whispers among the league ensues. Was that the Captain's name? Did Black Adam know Captain Marvel on a personal level rather than just a regular hero and nemesis level? Despite the eyes watching them, waiting and prepared to step in case of a fight, the Captain grits his teeth and, through miserable eyes of a broken man, chooses to smile.

"Yeah, they really were good people, Adam. I may not live up to their expectations, but I do live for them. Every day. I suppose I have you to thank for that."

"Your gratitude is most welcome, William. May one day come where you live for Mary and Frederick, as well. They would appreciate you honoring them."

Through a wicked smile, Black Adam chuckles, turning his back to take his leave back to Khandak. Leaving Captain Marvel still smiling all alone, his fists at his side curled with rage, drawing his own divine blood from the intensity of his own strength.

After that, the league would be in all rumors and whispers about Captain Marvel. From the past, they knew that Black Adam was fond of taunting the Captain with strange and mean words during their harrowing battles, but had it all been a personal dig at him all this time? Did Black Adam have a hand in accidentally giving Captain Marvel the motivation to become a hero?

Superheroes like Batman would immediately be looking into any information they learned from this and try to decipher what is the truth behind the Captain. Or should he say, "William," now having a name to the face of the hero of Fawcett. He would also be investigating Black Adam far more closely now, should the reformed man ever step out of line. If he heard right and Black Adam had indeed killed the Captain's parents, then he needed to keep an eye on Captain Marvel, too. In case of a breakdown or instability in emotions.

On the other hand, heroes like the Flash and Superman would take the time to visit the Captain in his city and check on him. They'd be concerned after seeing how pained Captain Marvel was. If a villain like Black Adam knew who the Captain was and specifically chose not to reveal his true identity to the public and just the Justice League, then perhaps there was more to it. Superman knew as well how painful it was to let a guilty man go free because he was deemed "reformed" in the eyes of the public (Lex Luthor, ew).

Overall, there would be a whole range of emotions after finding out Black Adam knows who Captain Marvel is. And I am here for it!