#okay now i am off to prepare myself for work i fear

[thelastsequence]

Taking on the school bully

Sub M!Reader x G!P ITZY Yeji

Part 1 | Part 2

“Hyung-soo, you’ll be paired with Yeji for this project okay? I know Math is your strong suit so please help her out as much as you can. I’m counting on you.” Ms Eunseo said with an approving smile on her face. I smiled back and nodded, but I was groaning in my mind.

Yeji?! You’ve got to be kidding me… How am I supposed to get anything done with the laziest student in the whole cohort? That’s if she’s not expelled by then…

As I stepped out of Ms Eunseo’s office and headed to my locker, I sighed as I thought of all the work that I would have to do. Hwang Yeji was infamous in our school for being a bully, frequently getting into trouble and causing a ruckus during lessons. Arguing with teachers, flouting school rules, forcing other students to do her work, you name it, she’s done it. The only reason why she’s still around is because her rich CEO father has been bailing her out by always donating to the school. Nonetheless, there were rumours that the board of directors and principal were fed up with her behaviour, and her next antic might be the last straw. Well, who wouldn’t be pissed…

“Hey. You. Loser.” A cold menacing voice pierced my thoughts. My eyes widened as I turned to face the source. It could only be one person…

Hwang Yeji.

“So you’re my partner for the Maths project? Better do a good job, if not you’ll get a beating from me. Got it?” I nodded nervously as Yeji glared at me. “Good. Don’t cause any trouble for me. Now get out of my way.” She shoved me aside painfully and walked away, while I could only stand there wincing. I cursed my luck (or lack thereof) at that moment. God, why did I have to be paired with her of all people?

The next day

“Class, I’ve decided that I’ll be picking one student from each pairing to present the project. For Pair 1, Karina. Pair 2, Yuna. Pair 3…” As Ms Eunseo read out the names for each pair, I glanced over to Yeji’s table where she sat using her phone.

“Pair 8, Yeji.” My ears pricked up when I heard that. Oh crap, I thought to myself. Getting paired with her was bad enough, but now Ms Eunseo was making her present. Yeji scowled when she heard this and she immediately stood up to voice her displeasure. “Hey, Miss, come on! You seriously expect me to present? You’re joking right?”

“Hwang Yeji! This is final. Sit down now or I’m giving you an F this instant!” Ms Eunseo barked at her. Knowing she was already on thin ice, Yeji scowled and sat back down with a huff. Suddenly, she turned towards my direction and glared at me. Wait for me after class, she mouthed. All I could do was nod in fear. What did she want with me?

Thirty minutes later, the bell rang and Yeji immediately walked over, while the other students began packing their bags. Without saying a word, she grabbed my wrist and dragged me out of my chair. Her surprisingly strong grip meant that I could only follow behind. She stopped at the lockers outside of our class and turned to face me.

“Kang Hyung-soo.”

“Y-yes, Yeji?”

“So that bitch Son Eunseo is making me present the project, it looks like I can’t completely slack off.” She grumbled. I slowly nodded, not knowing where she was going with this. “Y-yeah… well-”

She cut me off before I could continue any further.

“Shut up. I’m going to need your help, because I can’t afford pissing her off again. You hear me? If you help me prepare well for this project, there’s a chance I might not beat you up after all.” I gulped when I heard that. I did not want to be on the receiving end of one of Yeji’s beatdowns.

“Y-yeah, sure, I’ll help you as much as I can…”

“Good. Go and grab your bag, you’re coming to my place now. Let’s just get it over and done with.” My eyes widened and I couldn’t believe my ears. Me? Her place? What was going on? “Are you deaf? Hurry up!” She yelled and kicked my shin. I winced as I scrambled back into the classroom to get my things. I shoved everything into my bag and stumbled out of class again.

“Follow me. And don’t get any wrong ideas.” I walked silently behind her through the hallways as the other students stared and whispered. They probably assumed I was her latest victim, about to receive my punishment for angering the school bully. Instead of heading behind the back of the school building, we were at the foyer.

Soon enough, a black Mercedes pulled up and a man dressed in all-black stepped out and opened the door. “Hello, Ms Yeji.” The man spoke. I’m guessing he was… her driver? I was surprised at how such an unruly girl could have such a nice lifestyle. “Hey Felix. We’re headed home.” The man nodded as he turned to smile at me. “You must be Ms Yeji’s friend. Nice to meet you.” I smiled sheepishly as Yeji glared at me again from inside the car. I quickly went in and sat down.

It was a quiet drive back to Yeji’s house, which turned out to be a lavish-looking bungalow. We pulled up to her driveway, where Felix got out of the car and opened the door for us again. Yeji got out and signalled for me to follow her. I marvelled at the expensive-looking designer furniture in her house, the decorations, the paintings, everything… It was all completely new to me and I was trying to take it all in.

“Hurry up, loser!” Yeji yelled from the staircase. I mumbled sorry to her and quickly followed her up the staircase. We walked past two doors, stopping at the third which I guessed was her room. She opened the door and grabbed my wrist again, before pulling me in.

“Where do we start?” For a moment, I didn’t know what she was talking about. The new experience of visiting a bungalow almost made me forget what we were here for. “Oh y-yes, the project…”

We both sat on her bed as I started explaining the scope of the project to Yeji. Unsurprisingly she seemed disinterested, which did not help my case.

“Get to the point.”

“S-sorry… So what you’ll need to do is talk about some trigonometrical concepts that we’ve learnt in class and their real-life applications…”

“That sounds boring as fuck. Urgh…”

“Yeah…” I didn’t know what to say as I didn’t want to anger her. All I could do was try and explain it to her. After awhile, we began making the presentation deck for our project, even if it was mostly me doing the work while Yeji scrolled on Tiktok.

“Yeji, do you want to do this part? Since… you know, you’ll be presenting it…”

“Urgh… what now? Can’t you write it and explain it to me later?”

“Well yeah… but I’ve pretty much written 80% of the slides already…”

“Fuck… Fine, later I guess, I’m watching this video.” I sighed as I grew increasingly exasperated with her behaviour. While she was giggling at her Tiktok video, I was racking my brain thinking of what to add to our presentation. Finally, I couldn’t handle it anymore.

I stood up and faced her. One part of me was already regretting it, but I figured I might as well just go ahead with it.

“Yeji! Hey!”

She turned and glared at me. I felt my knees go a little weak but I managed to keep standing.

“Can you just do your work for once, please? I really don’t want to fail this. You think I wanted you as my groupmate? I’d rather work alone! All I’m asking is for you to do something and put in a little effort… It’s not that hard is it? I’d do anything, okay? Come on… Do your part, okay?” I sighed as I finished ranting, Yeji staring menacingly at me the entire time.

“Anything?”

“H-huh?” I stared confused at her as she stood up.

“You’d do anything so that I’d work on the project?”

My mind drew a blank as I didn’t how to respond.

“Y-yeah, it’s a group project, we’re-”

She cut me off by shoving me to the the floor where I landed on my butt. “Ow… what was that for?” I muttered. When I looked up, Yeji had taken a step closer to me and placed a hand on my head.

“Well, if you’re good enough for me today, I guess I can do a little something for the project.” Without warning, Yeji unzipped her skirt, her bulge in my face.

Her bulge?!

“Yeji- You- Your-”

“Ya, I have a dick, so what? It’s probably bigger than yours anyway. Get to work, loser.”

I gulped as Yeji’s panty-clad cock stared me in the face. A musky smell emanated from it and fill my nostrils.

“Please, Yeji, I-”

“Shut up! You’ll be taking this dick whether you like it or not. It’s up to you whether you want it the easy way or the hard way.”

I closed my eyes, cursing myself for getting into this situation. How did this even happen? I was half-hoping it was just a nightmare, but when I opened my eyes again, Yeji’s pink panties were still in my face.

Sighing, I slowly pulled down her panties, narrowly avoiding getting hit by her cock. It was about 6 inches long, thick and veiny. Her tip glistened with a bead of transparent pre-cum. What she said was true, it was definitely bigger than mine. I stared at it wordlessly for a second, not knowing how to proceed. All I had seen was porn videos, so I guess I would have to act on that.

Taking a breath, I slowly gave her tip a lick. It tasted salty as I swirled my tongue around her cockhead. I glanced up, Yeji’s hand still on my head. She was looking down on me with a look of pure lust, her eyes transfixed on my lewd act. I continued licking at her cock as if it was a lollipop, slowly taking my time with it.

Yeji let out a moan as her grip on my hair tightened. She took a step backwards and sat onto the bed, dragging me on the floor. I decided to get onto my knees and make it a little more comfortable for myself.

I spat onto her cock and started stroking it with my right hand, while slowly massaging her balls with my left. I looked at her timidly, wanting a sign of approval. As if reading my mind, she let out another louder moan, seemingly in response.

“Yes… stroke my cock like a good boy…”

“Y-yes, Yeji…” I muttered softly. I sped up my pace and tightened my grip around her shaft, lubricating it with more spit. I started to feel a little intoxicated by the musky smell of her cock and balls and felt myself getting horny. My own dick was getting hard and I wanted to stroke it.

“R-Yeji, can I… touch myself?” I asked shyly.

“No! You have to please me first.” She gave my cheek a slap with her cock, leaving a wet trail of my saliva mixed with her precum. I sighed and continued stroking her, occasionally giving her tip some licks.

“I want you to suck it, Hyung-soo… Be a good boy and take my cock…” Yeji moaned sultrily. My cock stiffened when she called me a good boy, and I felt a sudden desire to please her.

“Y-yes, Yeji…” I opened my mouth and starting sucking on her tip slowly. The taste of her cock was not too strong or overwhelming but it actually tasted pretty pleasant. I started using my tongue while sucking, hopefully making it more pleasurable for her. I tried going a little deeper down her shaft, but I ended up choking and gagging on it.

Cough cough

“Oho, did you gag on it? Is my cock too big for you?” Yeji asked lewdly. I shook my head and went for another try. This time, I managed to take half of her length into my mouth before coming up for air.

“Come on, Hyung-soo, I know you can take all of it… I know you can deepthroat my cock…” Yeji moaned loudly again. It seemed like I had no choice but to force myself to go all the way.

Taking a deep breath, I opened wide and shoved my face onto her dick. Almost instantly I felt like gagging, but I controlled it and managed to only choke a little. I continued going deeper until my nose touched her crotch. My eyes widened as I realised I had managed to take Yeji’s entire length into my mouth.

Suddenly, I felt her hands wrap around either side of my head, holding me in place and forcing me to stay in this position. The urge to gag came again and this time, I couldn’t handle it. I choked loudly and more spit flowed out of my mouth. Yeji quickly withdrew her cock from my mouth, strings of spit clinging onto my chin, before shoving it back in again. She repeatedly this rapidly, skullfucking me while looking down at me lustfully.

My mouth and throat felt like they were on fire, but I felt my dick get harder and harder as well. Even if Yeji was abusing my throat, it somehow felt… good. I looked up at her with tears forming at the corner of my eyes, gagging obscenely.

“Good boy, good boy… I didn’t know you were so good at sucking cock, Hyung-soo.” Yeji finally pulled her cock out of my mouth, giving me a chance to catch my breath.

“Th-thanks Yeji… I just… I just want you to do something for our project.”

“Come on, Hyung-soo. Do you think I’m stupid? You’re not thinking about the project at all, you just want to suck my cock.” I turned red as I realised she was correct. It felt so good with Yeji’s cock between my lips that I didn’t care about the project anymore.

I blushed as Yeji ruffled my hair. “Do you want it on your face or in your mouth? For your first time, I’m nice enough to let you choose.”

I was a little confused. “Eh? W-what do you mean?”

“My cum, silly. Do you want me to give you a facial or do you want to swallow my cum, Hyung-soo.”

My face grew redder upon hearing Yeji say that. I didn’t know which to choose, so I went for what I thought would be the lesser of two evils.

“My mouth…” I figured it would be less messy, and I wouldn’t have to clean up as much.

Yeji bent down and whispered lustily, “Wow, I didn’t know you were so hungry for my cum, Hyung-soo. You’re such a pervert.”

She slapped her cock on my face a few times, saliva and precum covering my cheeks with a light sheen now. I opened my mouth to take her cock again. Her shaft roughly penetrated my throat as she began quickly thrusting into my mouth. I moaned a little at her roughness, while bobbing my head quickly, trying to take as much of her length as possible.

“Fuck, that’s so fucking good…” Yeji moaned again and sped up. I looked up at her again, wanting to gaze into her piercing eyes.

“Hyung-soo, I’m gonna… gonna cum soon…” I wanted to say yes but all that came out was a mmmph, my mouth full of cock. Yeji continued fucking my face rapidly while my hands massaged her balls. Her moans were getting louder and louder, punctuated with obscenities. I could also see her perky nipples straining against her shirt, forming a faint outline. I wondered how Yeji’s breasts looked like…

Suddenly, Yeji gripped the back of my head as she shoved her cock deep into my throat. My eyes watered as I felt her dick hit the back of my throat, making me gag yet again.

“I’m cumming… Ah…” Yeji moaned as I felt a thick spurt of warm cum shoot down my throat. Yeji pulled her cock back a little and continued to cum onto my tongue. I looked up at her, my mouth full of her salty seed.

“Good boy, Hyung-soo, swallow my cum…” I nodded and gulped it all down. After swallowing, I choked and coughed a little, unused to this newfound taste. Yeji bent down again and dove in for a kiss, her tongue exploring my mouth and tasting herself on my lips. I let out a muffled moan as she gently fondled my clothed nipples. After what seemed like an eternity, she pulled away and motioned for me to sit on the bed with her.

“Hyung-soo, you did such a good job. Was that really your first time sucking cock?”

I nodded, blushing. “Th-thanks, Yeji… I’m glad you felt good…”

“So, I guess I’ll do something for the project then. And, if you want, we can do this again…”

I was taken aback at Yeji’s words. I couldn’t believe that she would want me to visit her and give her a blowjob again. My mind was racing; why would I want to suck the school bully’s cock again? Then again, I felt like I had suddenly grown addicted to her dick, its scent and taste still fresh in my memory.

“A-anytime, Yeji…”

“Anytime? Really? You better not regret that, then.”

Shoot. What had I gotten myself into?

----

Hey everyone! Ren here, if you're reading this I hope you enjoyed my first ever fic! Feel free to leave comments and let me know what you thought of it. My asks are always open. Cheers!

[princessaffirms]

Hi princess! I m the one who dm'd u about the exam scenario...help me with this please

Why I am not able to manifest just by commanding my subconscious? Ik being desperate or doubting is the problem but there were few things in which I just commanded my subconscious and then literally forgot about it.... It still didn't manifest?

I also commanded the subconscious to take me to the void in 5 minutes or wake me up in void while me being aware of it other nights.... But with no success

I am now honestly confused how to induce the void state

hi angel! 🫶 here’s the full response i sent you in dms + sharing it here too in a more formatted way! also leaving this here for anyone else who needs to hear this message right now. you’re not alone, and your power to revise and shift is still fully yours.

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

thank you so much for trusting me and being so open. 🤍

first off: manifestation isn’t a performance. it’s not about “doing it right” or forcing a result out of the void. it’s about deciding to identify with and embody the version of you who already has what you want — even if your 3D says otherwise (for now).

when we’re affirming from a place of desperation, fear, or pressure (especially with things like exams), our stress response can get so overwhelmed that the “void state” feels harder to reach. and that’s totally okay! you don’t need the void state to manifest. it can be very helpful, yes, but it’s not the only way. 🥹

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

you can revise your preparation, shift your state, and manifest success through self-concept work and assumption too. you could start affirming things like:

“i always figure things out just in time!”

“i’m safe, supported, and it’s all working out for me.”

“my success is inevitable — no matter what.”

“i am the operant power of my reality and i DECIDE that i’ve already passed this exam!”

“i’m already the version of me who always passes and wins, isn’t it wonderful?”

“this is MY reality and only i get to decide what happens in it!”

“i choose to identify with the version of myself who already passed the exam, because they already exist — and now i am them.”

“i already KNOW for certain that i passed this exam already, it’s so easy for me!”

^ things like that! that’s how i’d usually affirm in situations like this <3

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. ��� ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

next: normalize having that passing grade NOW to your nervous system. that’s when it really impresses into your subconscious. if you’re still viewing your exam mostly from a place of fear and worry, that’s reflecting the remnants of your subconscious thoughts that still don’t align with your passing grade reality (yet).

normalize that passing grade to yourself until the moment is so familiar to you that it feels weird to identify with anything else as truth. repetition and persistence in your affirmations literally REPROGRAMS your mind and what it believes is true!

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

🍭✨ about the void:

the void is STILL available to you. it’s ALWAYS available! but not through force. let go of the timeline, the outcome, the needing.

also, from my perspective? the void state isn’t this huge, dramatic thing. it’s not some rare portal or golden ticket. it’s literally just a state of being where your awareness is clear, still, and focused.

you enter it all the time without realizing: when you’re deeply relaxed, daydreaming, or even falling asleep. it’s basically your sandbox in the 4D. your blank slate. it’s powerful, yes, but it’s not “more valid” or “more powerful” than other methods. you can manifest just as easily from repeating affirmations and strong self concept!

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

🍭✨ what i’d do in the void:

try to visualize the key moments in your mind with as much detail as you can.

• what would it feel like walking into the exam hall KNOWING your success is already written in stone?

• how would it feel writing the test, knowing every answer you put down is correct?

• visualize the markers checking every answer of your test as correct.

• see yourself receiving your passing grade. down to every last detail: the feel of the paper, the table when you’re writing.

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

🍭✨ why commanding your subconscious hasn’t seemed to work (yet):

here’s the thing: your subconscious doesn’t respond to force, it responds to dominant repetition, belief, and emotional imprinting.

you can absolutely command your subconscious!but the command only takes when your subconscious accepts it as TRUE. if you say “i passed” but you still FEEL like you failed, entertain mostly thoughts about failing, and identify with that undesired reality, that command won’t stick.

your subconscious listens to:

• what you assume is NORMAL for you

• what you CONSISTENTLY affirm and repeat

• the strongest self concept in the room (is it the self concept where you believe you’re not a student who can pass, or the self concept where you KNOW you already did?)

• what you impress through visualization, affirmations, and embodiment

so when you command something, the key is to PERSIST in it, even if you’re not seeing it be reflected in the 3D yet — because it inevitably will. it HAS to. it’s literally LAW for the 3D to reflect what you hold true in your mind!!

also, sometimes we “command” while still obsessively checking for results. and that checking is a form of not believing. that’s why it’s not always about saying it once, it’s about persisting and embodying it until it becomes your new baseline. your new normal.

so yes, commanding your subconscious works, but it’s less about shouting orders, and more about consistently choosing your new identity until your subconscious has no choice but to reflect it.

you’ve got this. your subconscious is always listening — now you just need to show it what you want to be true, over and over again, until it clicks. <3

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

🍭✨ a quick note on embodiment:

something i personally do when i’m manifesting academic success is ask myself:

“how would the version of me who already passed act?”

immediately, i’m thinking: “they’d study — but they’d study from a calm, confident state. not from panic or fear of failing.”

so that’s what i do! i still study, but i do so with intention, not obsession. from alignment, not burnout.

i embody that version of me who already passed by choosing to show up with purpose, not pressure.

so if you feel inspired to study or prep, do it because it’s what the successful you would do. not because you’re trying to prove yourself or obsess over the result.

your success is already yours — now just identify with and embody that version of you.

　 . ★⋆. ࿐࿔　✦　　　.　　. 　 ˚　.ੈ✧̣̇˳·˖

you’ve got this. and of course feel free to reach out again if you have any other questions! i’m always happy to help <3

sending you so much love and light! all the best with your exam! 🫶

[onceuponafosterkid]

Every now and then I am reminded how hard it is being an adult foster youth. I’m only 21, I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. This week was really hard. I got sick on Monday while I was at work, but I have this fear of letting people down so I toughed it out. I got home and I had a fever of 103. I took some Tylenol but I can’t afford groceries right now so I don’t have any cold medicine or anything. I took Tuesday off of work thinking I needed a day to just recover. I mean, I’m working full time, taking three classes one of which is a two and half hour in person class twice a week after work so I thought maybe I was overdoing it right? But I’m pushing myself physically to avoid what’s going on mentally and yes I’m in therapy I know that’s not good but it’s what’s keeping me alive for right now. Anyway I go back to work on Wednesday but I have a cough and a headache and I just don’t feel great but I already took a day off I don’t want to make my boss mad. After work I take an at home Covid test my foster mom gave me and it’s negative, so I go to urgent care because day three of having a fever that’s now reached 103.5 and I don’t know what’s wrong. Urgent care does a Covid test that I know is going to be negative because I just took one, and they send me home. So if they sent me home I must just be overthinking this right? Maybe it’s not that bad. But I can’t work until the fever is gone and nothing is making the fever come down the cough is triggering my asthma so on Friday my foster mom takes me to the ER and there I find out I have pneumonia. They rehydrate me because I have been unable to keep anything down and sweating so much that water does nothing for me, and they give some antibiotics and I’m able to go home while they send meds to the pharmacy and finally I’m feeling like it’ll be okay. But the Walgreens they sent the meds to is closed on weekends, and I’m not supposed to wait until Monday so I call and ask them to send it to a different location which I find out halfway through Saturday the pharmacy is actually closed. So I call back again and ask them to send it down the street to Walmart but then they never call in the meds. So I ask my foster mom to call them for me and ask them to send the meds because it’s almost Sunday and I’m starting to feel like crap again and the fever is gone but I can’t breathe and my inhaler is expired and they were supposed to send a new one. She called and they said they would send them and she said she’d pick them up so I spent today cleaning in preparation for feeling better once I get my meds and once I’m done cleaning I sit on my floor and I start crying because I feel so freaking alone. Which is stupid because my foster mom has been taking care of me this whole time, sending me food and taking me to the ER but I can’t help but feel guilty because it’s not her job anymore to take care of me and she’s got a family at home, six kids counting on her but I don’t have anyone else to go to for help. I’m 21, I’m single, my bio family has left me again and it’s just been a really long week you know? It’s not like I have friends I can’t talk to, I lost them all when the assault at Wendy’s happened so I’m just sitting here fucking crying because I’m tired and it sounds very stupid but I’ve realized that it’s nobody’s job to help me. I’m in this alone and usually I can pretend that doesn’t hurt but not this week, not right now. But that’s just what happens when you age out. You’re alone unless you can find people and apparently I’m not very good at finding other people and I don’t know why. Anyway, I just needed a moment I guess. I feel like 12 year old me sitting outside my cottage at residential wondering if I’ll always be alone. I wish I could tell her the answer is no, but at this point in time I don’t have the answer she needs so for now I’m just crying with her.

[chaaistained]

heyy so it's 🍦 anon here <333

I've been thinking, alot actually. I've tried to analyse myself and my thought processes everytime I "lost" hope on shifting.

From what I've noticed that, it's my brain basically trying to protect me from what I've been through in the past, like for example: (this is a dumb, very dumb way to show my thought process uh TT)

Me: shifting is so easy, like I literally do it every single moment, it comes to me like I'm breathing

My "brain": what the hell do you mean? Nah nah cause what the hell? What if you fail? You want to go through all that again?

Me: I won't fail. Because there's no way, I'm literally a master shifter, right?

My "brain": STOP BEING SO OPTIMISTIC YOU PIECE OF GARBAGE, YOU'RE GONNA BREAK YOUR HEART AGAIN. IT WONT WORK, IT NEVER WORKS

Me: I mean I'm scared, but that doesn't mean I'll fail. You know what, go to hell, I'm shifting.

My "brain": *does some voodoo black magic and puts the negativity in my brain because my subconscious is so used to things going wrong all the time it has saturated itself in layer and layers of garb*

So what was the results of my "musings" (I know this is stupid) I know I can shift, I know I am so powerful cause everytime I've tested my manifestations it does work (I tell myself I'll see a red car and in like the next few seconds a red car passes between all the other cars). But it's the years of negativity dragging me into the wrong path. And to shift, I know I don't need to do this but I will, I should first saturate my brain with positivity.

(Okay I'm so sorry this was so long and probably annoying to read- again the byproduct of the garbage in my head)

(first off that wasn’t a dumb way to show your thought process at all it actually made a lot of sense)

second : DARLING I NEED YOU TO metaphorically HOLD MY HANDS AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH IN AND OUT

you said it yourself — “i know i can shift, i know i am so powerful cause every time i’ve tested my manifestations it does work” — you can manifest seeing a red car in an instant?? you’re already doing it my love

now, i do agree that the negativity is dragging you down, but i believe it’s because you’re giving it that power

and i understand how difficult it can be to take that power back when your whole life has been spent in surrender to negativity and doubts and fear. you’re right, it’s a defence mechanism, a coping mechanism, a cautious way to protect yourself, because if you expect the worst and then inevitability the worst occurs, you’re not in for such a shock bcs, hey, you expected it

no matter how much it sucks, how painful it is, how much you lose, at least you expected it, right?

WRONG

wrong wrong wrong you do not need to expect the worst every time

now what i’d recommended for you is perhaps “preparing” for the worst. this doesn’t have to be literally —

now, i don’t know your situation or the past traumas that are causing this negativity (and i don’t necessarily want to know bcs it’s your personal story and experience, you don’t have to share that) so my unsolicited advice is more all rounded here :

— when the bad memories start to fester, when they make themselves known, i really need you to remember what happens AFTERWARDS, the strength that it took for you to pick yourself up, the courage to stand tall yet again

— then, as you’re recognising this strength, remind yourself that it’s been done, you’ve had your challenges, and you’ve come out of them . no matter how bruised or battered you were, it is over and you’re here now, willing to shift bcs you KNOW you deserve nothing but the best

— if there are any pressing matters in your cr that are adding to this anxiety, i highly suggest you do a little something to “take care of them” . this doesn’t mean give up on shifting and focus on your cr, but say you’ve got an assignment to do and you haven’t started, if you’ve still got time before your submission then do about 40-60% of it, do something, put your mind and your anxiety and your conscience at ease. this is specifically bcs you’ve stated that it’s hard to ignore that negativity and anxiety, so do smth no matter how small to be like “Ha! get fucked negativity, i did smth, i put some effort in, i made a difference in my cr life today”

— now this next part is important : saturating your mind does not mean ignoring what you’ve been through, it means staring your past in the face and saying “you’re the past, and i don’t intend to go back, so stay there bcs i’m never gonna be you again.” and you’re not gonna believe yourself, not at first anyway, but it comes naturally the more you do it, and personally, i always visualise or think about my dr life right afterwards — any dr you intend to shift to, think about all that you are and all that you accomplish in that reality

+ those thoughts aren’t daydreams, they aren’t delusions, they are the film reel of your life, the universe is playing out snapshots of the events you’ve lived/will live, it’s actively reminding you to see yourself in your truth, not from a place of fear

— finally, this is a habit that i’ve worked to implement and i think it could help you; remind yourself of your dr when doing cr things :

+ you’re sitting in your room studying? no you’re not, your in the hogwarts library in the corner booth, channeling the dark academia aura of one of the brightest students in the school

+ you’re waiting in line for your turn at a coffee shop? no you’re not, you’re a famous actor, wanting to feel the rush of normalcy so you chose to come to a local cafe and experience what normal people go through. it’s exhausting, but it’s smth out of the ordinary for an a-lister like you, head down and hoping no one recognises you (but ofcs they do, secret photos of the famed star will circulate the internet and that small cafe will become a hotspot for the youth just bcs of your presence there that one time)

+ you’ve got a pain of a social gathering to attend when all you wanna do is stay at home? no, you’re the detective, the investigator, you’re scoping out the place in an undercover op, you’re interacting with people with the intention of learning everything you can about them, you’re observing their reactions, their exchanges, you’re the best in the agency and you’re charisma is the perfect mask to hide the true intention of your presence. yeah, you’d rather be home right now, but the mission depends on your unique skill set, you’re needed, and so you power through

it’s like a game almost, obvs don’t let it cloud your judgment and the way you treat people you care about in this reality, but i like to think of it through the multiversal theory — there’s realities out there which follow similar events, similar timelines, and in reality A you could be studying in your room but in reality B you’re studying in the hogwarts castle library — you’re simply “channeling” those memories (for lack of a better term)

ultimately, darling, you’re negativity has been given too much power, it’s manoeuvring you with puppet strings, some sort of sick enjoyment it has.

but it’s not your fault.

bcs you’ve recognised your power, you know what you must do, you are actively challenging what has become painfully normal to you and that takes strength, so don’t wallow in the self pity of “oh i did this to myself” Stop. that doesn’t matter anymore. what matters now is how you move forward

pick up the scissors, cut those strings, and start claiming ownership of your own happiness

i literally need you to think about your negativity like it’s a perfectly dry autumn leaf just laying there on the ground taunting you and i need you to run up and crunch the life out of it under your feet

do you get me?

i have no idea if what i’ve said made sense or helped and i urge you to ask any questions that may have arisen from my advice

but i truly truly hope that you stop beating yourself up, i’m actually bandaging the wounds as we speak btw, hold still 🫂❤️‍🩹

[cmchill]

Serious question everybody:

Is it executive dysfunction when you still can do it, but it just feels BAD to do it, and unnecessarily hard?

Optional example under cut because it's a lot of words

Example: I had a student group meeting to join that I felt under prepared for and scared for. It started at 3pm. I had completed all other tasks I was working on and was just scrolling Tumblr from like 2:30 onward. I needed to leave 5-10 minutes before 3 to get there on time; leaving early would be better, it would avoid the stress of always being a bit late. I watched 2:50 approach and pass. I still had enough time to leave and get there. I would leave at 2:55. 2:55 came and went. I just wanted one more minute... one more minute...

I really had to leave now. I couldn't skip the meeting, that would be even worse. It's 2:57... Maybe I could still hypothetically make it on time... 2:58... 2:59... It's okay people are a couple minutes late all the time it's no big deal. 3:00 I HAVE to leave now the meeting started! Man it would be so nice if all I had to do was teleport there, make one single decision+movement. I really do have to go... but one more post...

I feel stuck... But wait am I really unable to do this or is it just hard? No I can do this, and since I can I have to. No avoidance excuses. *pushes myself up off the floor*

At 3:06 I join the meeting virtually while I walk the rest of the way to the physical location. I walk a lot more slowly than normal, though still listening and responding to people talking on the call. I even zone out a bit and stop motion entirely for another minute while standing on the steps down from my building talking to them, before I realize what I'm doing and insist I carry on moving, resisting the intimidation and the challenge of processing concurrently: current conversation, and my fears/concerns about the upcoming topic I'm unprepared for, and the need to move my feet and go see them in person.

I arrive. I speak to the people. We make the plan for this next week. I will write the discussion questions for the next meeting; that will be no issue.

I did the thing. I was able to do it. It was hard. I managed it. It was partially due to fear and uncertainty avoidance not just simple stuck-ness. I'm sleep-deprived and didn't finish lunch. I really don't know what to think.

(This is just an illustrative example. Many such cases.)

[llaberration]

I.S.M.I - Chapter Eleven

“Hal?”

“Mhmmm...”

“Hal? Wake up.

“Mmmm?”

“Your eight hours are almost up. Is Deacon still asleep?”

“Whu?” Hal's brain wasn't quite re-engaged yet, and he was puzzled by the words, until a powerful movement of something beside him woke him up fully and he squirmed, arms shooting out to identify his 'attacker.' Of course his hands just bounced off soft flesh and he found himself staring into utter darkness. The movement came again, and he remembered where he was, realising that this had to be Doc's hand. “Ohh... sorry...” he grunted, folding his arms against himself. “Yeh... I'm awake...”

“Is Deacon?”

“No? Should he be?”

“No. I wanted a chance to speak to you freely.”

“Mhmm?” Hal rubbed his eyes, grimacing as this wiped more slime into them. “bou' wha?”

“Your god issue?”

“Mmm? What about it?”

“It's... closer, isn't it?”

“Yeah. I've had to draw on its powers not once but twice lately. Once to get Deacon out of that machine, second time to not die in those sewers.”

“I knew it! You did almost die again didn't you?”

“No, I didn't need to not die die. I needed to repair myself enough to get out. I didn't actually get that badly hurt... it was a preventative measure...”

“Well... whatever you did, it's closer.”

“I know. Every time I use it I steal more of what time it has left...”

“Have you considered just... ending it?”

“Well sort of. But there's a cost to it. When I borrow its abilities, for that time, it gets a grip on me... gets to do all kinds of damage. If I just... tried to take the rest I don't know just how bad it might be. He could do real damage.”

“Okay. Do you have an estimate of how much time there is left?”

“Oh I don't need an estimate, I always know exactly. It likes to tell me like it thinks it's a guilt trip. So... let me think... subtract the eight hours we've lost here... about twelve days. Give or take a few hours and minutes.”

“Oh... that little huh?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you... know what's going to happen?”

“Not a clue. But given everything else I've put up with... it's probably not going to be good?”

“Do you have a plan of any kind?”

“No. At this point it'll be what it'll be. I'm too tired to do anything other than just... accept it.”

“Is that... wise?”

“None of this was wise. Not a damn thing about it right from the start. So I might as well see it through the way I started it.”

“What about Deacon? You have additional responsibility now.”

“Uh, that's a good point. Would you be able to watch him on that one day? I'm already on desk work but I can make it a work from home day, say something about my leg or an appointment or something...”

“I don't think he'll like it. But if you can talk him into it, I can watch him.”

“Okay. Thank you.”

“And that's all the preparation you're going to do?”

“What would you have me do?” Hal shifted his position a little bit. “Do you know what's going to happen? Because I surely do not. How do you prepare for something like this?”

“I... suppose not.”

“Then trust me to deal with it alone, like I have dealt with everything else alone so far.”

“You know you don't have to do that.”

“I know. I'm realising that, and that's a whole thing I am coming to terms with. But it's too late to change things now.”

“And you haven't reconsidered telling the institute?”

“Still in the process of making that decision.”

“Well okay... I just want you to be safe.”

“I know, and I appreciate that.”

The werewolf sighed, the sound echoing gently around him, and Hal knew the man was disappointed this hadn't been more constructive like their first session. He wished he had answers that would set Doc's fears to rest, but at the same time, he barely had answers for himself, so he couldn't do anything to calm the man. It simply was what it was. He exhaled quietly, and turned to gently settle against the werewolf, cuddling in place like settling into a mattress. He knew it felt nice because he knew how it felt when Deacon did that to him, so he was just trying to pacify the werewolf. It seemed to work because Doc fell silent, and two gentle hands came to rest against him. Hal smiled, glad this seemed to have worked, and let himself relax for his last few minutes of peace before the god returned.

The next week was not too bad for Hal, he had expected to be extremely bored on a week of rest, but Blaine kept him fairly entertained, and barely a day went by when he didn't have to take either himself, or the tiny man, into the institute for tests or checkups. Given that, the time went by surprisingly fast. Deacon adjusted more and more to his new size, learning to move around more easily, conquer obstacles and be fearless of navigating his surroundings. He worked with Sayer and the doctors to try and figure out how the process could be reversed, but still persistently refused to be taken out of Hal's reach, particularly by any scientists. He still did not trust them not to decide that he deserved to be an ISMI casefile of his own and try to take him away for study.

Hal's leg began to heal well, and doctors seemed pleased with his progress, enough for him to return for desk work at the end of the week.

For the first week, Blaine had spent most of his time out and about, or hiding in Hal's jacket while they travelled. But as this second week dawned, he withdrew far more back to his hiding spot, worried about being separated from his handler at the institute where, in his eyes, the risks were much higher for him. He spent most of their working day tucked away inside while Hal worked away at research and paperwork admin, finding no reason to complain about his heavy meal. In fact it helped a lot. Into the second week, with only a few days before his 'end date' with the god, it redoubled its efforts to bargain him into finishing a game with it or finding it a different host. After all that time and effort it had put into threatening him and tearing him down, it was a little late for bargaining. Nonetheless, its angry voice still seemed to be quieted by having Deacon settled sleepily inside, the soft little tingles caused by his movements always bringing a pause to the god's relentless voice when they happened. Mostly, Hal put in headphones and used music to drown out the voice as much as he could, counting off the days until it would be over.

At midnight on the final day, Hal was woken, sensing a shift somehow in the state of his mind. He knew for some reason that this was going to be it. The god's voice was so close in his ears it was like it was breathing directly down his neck. He patiently and calmly ignored its now-frantic screeching, despite the pain and headache it was already causing, and bore it quietly until morning, at which point he went to drop Deacon off with Doc. The small man had taken so much persuading to convince to be away from him for a day, but Doc had helpfully backed Hal up, saying it would do him good to get some headspace. He did feel bad as he left the man, a powerful urge to protect him having formed by this stage, but by leaving him, he believed that he was protecting him. He collected a couple of things he had prepared for this, made some last arrangements, and headed home.

“Alright then,” he sighed, as he double bolted the door. “Let's get this over with.”

The god, offended by his apparent apathy, proceeded to give him a nosebleed for his disrespect. Hal didn't mind. He knew it couldn't kill him, and if he could weather this last day of its noise, he would be free of it. He showered, made himself a meal and a coffee and enjoyed that before heading to his bedroom and settling down to wait it out.

Over the following hours, the god bargained with him, begged him, threatened him, bruised him and gave him nosebleeds. Utilising a cold apathy that had been long hardened and calloused onto his personality by self-inflicted isolation and aloneness, Hal ignored it all. There would be time to heal that particular scarring later but for now he weaponised it against his aggressor.

When it grew late and time ticked on towards midnight, Hal felt the god finally pulling out the last stops to try and convince him. He felt it numbing parts of his body, trying to make them move under its willpower, unfocusing his eyes and making him look away from whatever he was doing. The minute it began to exert such control, he put his backup plan into action, locking a chain onto his wrist around the bedframe so that even if the god gained full control, which he genuinely doubted it could do, it couldn't actually go anywhere. He proceeded to lie there, and patiently weather everything the god had to throw at him until the clock beeped midnight. In an instant, the voice was abruptly silenced, leaving a ringing in his ears from its constant abuse, and suddenly the world went dark. The dim light seeping from the window disappeared, the clock face flashing 00:00 was gone, the thin line of light creeping through from the hallway... everything suddenly became nothingness.

Hal sat up, shocked to find his arm was no longer bound, squinting about himself, trying to figure out where he was, but he couldn't feel the bed or even the ambience of the flat. Was he... dead?

“No, this isn't dead. We're just trapped within a moment.”

The voice was very familiar to him, the voice of the god. But now it was different. Calm. Collected. Polite even. It had a soft, unfamiliar accent unlike anything he knew, and spoke in a tongue he did not remotely recognise... and yet understood perfectly. “What?”

“I realise I have some explaining to do. But we do not have a lot of time. There are things you need to know.”

“And why on earth would I want to listen to you? You've been making my life hell for over a year now... you're a bad god.” Hal struggled to understand why he couldn't 'feel' anything. He was sure that he was standing but he didn't know if he was because he couldn't actually feel his own body. Or the floor.

“I know. I am... was... a bad god. My name, as closely as it translates using your alphabet was Klyneth. I was a god of games, luck and the hunt. And I wasn't always bad. A little fickle perhaps, but you need to understand good and bad are relative terms. You will find they change a great deal more than you would hope based on perspective. But I was not 'bad' at conception... I just became that way.”

Hal squinted, and finally was able to make out a faint, outlined figure... it was of an ambiguous build, dressed in some clothes from a culture he didn't recognise. “So why are we speaking so candidly now?”

“Because I am no longer being tortured by my life force being eaten away. Honestly... you have no idea how painful all that has been.”

“Oh... well. I suppose that does sound unpleasant. Can I... go?” Hal harboured a healthy amount of resentment for the being at this stage, and having a polite conversation, however civil, seemed a lot too little, a lot too late.

“Not yet. There's a handover you see. Things I have to tell you. Rules.”

“Okay...”

“You are inheriting a forgotten goddom. Not an all powerful one. Your lifespan is limited to what you take from gambling with mortals. You have a couple of hundred years leftover from my score, do with that as you will. Second, you may use your power for yourself pretty much all you want, but you cannot use it for others unless they ask, and you grant it to them as a boon. Only active, powerful gods can bless mortals without them asking first.”

“Okay...”

“Some of what I can do, you already know, having helped yourself to it. You can now cheat and win at any game or hunt, and influence luck by giving it or taking it... again, only if someone contacts you first. You can utilise any of my powers that you have already seen and experienced. Healing, regeneration, recovery from death. You have also gained the ability to change your shape. That's a bit limited these days. Once upon a time, before we were forgotten, I could take the form of any predator in the world. Now you get one assigned to you... I don't know if it's random or something with a sense of humour deciding but that's what you get. If you want more shapes to take, there are hoops you have to jump through. If you want to take on the form of say, a great white shark, no problem, but before you will be able to get that form you will need to consume ten pounds of its flesh. Not in one sitting, just over time.”

“Ummm... no thanks.”

“Up to you,” the dark figure gave a shrug, “I'm just telling you the rules. It's up to you what you do with them.”

“You said I have been assigned a form... how do I know what it is?”

“Turn into it and find out. Once you're back in your body of course.”

“And... what else?”

“Assorted other things. You're tougher, more versatile, you will have the reflexes and senses of a hunter but... you kind of already had those from surviving as you did before I came along. You may take on more versatile abilities as you assimilate other forms.”

“Do I have to... do any god stuff?”

“Not really. As an active god you might but we are way beyond that now. You're gonna find you like blood quite a lot now so be prepared for that... oh... yeah and I forgot about the eating people thing. I kinda need to explain that. Honestly I never thought it would come up before you took over the powers but lo and behold it did... so... you know how you feel that... little tingle when you eat him?”

“Yeah....” Hal was sure that his non-body body was blushing.

“That's his life force. You're tasting his life energy. That's why you like it so much. Life force is delicious...”

“That's why you always shut up when I was eating him...”

“That taste never gets old. You'll be tasting it even more strongly now, and everyone and everything has its own unique flavour. He's kind of spicy but some people are sweet... some people are sour... you get the taste from their blood as well but... eating them whole and alive that's the good stuff...”

“You did a lot of that huh?”

“In the old old days when mortals would offer themselves in exchange for a boon yes... a few days of being consumed by a god in exchange for a good season's hunt isn't so bad...”

“Why are you being so polite about all this?”

“I told you. I wasn't always bad. My time made me bitter and angry and that was what you saw. Now... I am just me again, undiluted with all that pain, suffering and resentment. I am myself once more. A brief moment of clarity before the end.” The god almost sounded relieved as they shook their shadowy head. “Now go... live your new life as you will. Figure out your new powers and abilities and use them better than I did.”

“That's a pretty low bar y'know. That's kind of why we're in this mess. If you hadn't been a rampant asshole I'd never have come to stop you.”

“I am well aware, I assure you. However, now you get to try your hand at it, and see if you can be less of a rampant asshole than I was. Give it a few thousand years. Then be sure to take a long hard look at yourself. With the powers you have, you're barely a god... more of a second rate fae...”

“I'm actually fine with that. All I ever wanted was to keep being me so...”

“Then perhaps you will fare terrifically. But our time is up. What lies beyond is calling to me after all this time... and your new self is calling to you.” The shadowy figure gestured a wave of farewell, and with what sounded like a sigh of relief, Hal opened his eyes to find himself on the bed once more. It was still 00:00. The flat was quiet. He was alone. Properly alone. For the first time in over a year he could tell there were no eyes on him. No voice echoed in his ears. He could hear a single car driving past on the road outside, and one of his neighbours' television up just slightly too loud... but that was all he could hear. Normal ambience. Granted he could hear it a little better than before but... the world was quiet and calm. He exhaled a long, slow breath, leaving his lungs empty for a moment before inhaling and discovering the extent of his new sense of smell.

His expression immediately soured. “Ugh. Well. Living in a city with a good sense of smell might not be such a great thing...” he grunted, then give an impulsive little laugh at the sound of his own voice. Just his. Without anything trying to drown him out.

He slowly raised his hands to examine them, finding they looked much the same. His vision had perhaps improved slightly, but his hands were the same as ever... he was still missing good parts of his thumb and finger, and he sensed that was how he was meant to be, he would be as he had been when all this began. He could have regenerated them with these new abilities, but why? He was as he was. And he was okay with that. Besides, people would definitely notice if he suddenly started regrowing digits.

He could feel new abilities within his reach, though he didn't have to fight the god for them any more, they were just there, and he could use them as easily as using any normal thing he could do. His instincts as a scientist told him to investigate these new possibilities thoroughly, but his reservations as an Institute agent told him to be careful.

In the end, he settled for removing the chain on his arm. getting up, and going to the bathroom mirror to make sure he still looked like himself. He did. He needed a shave again, and he looked as tired as ever but he was definitely still Hal.

Reassured by this, the man checked himself over, discovering that he seemed much the same as he ever did. He felt a strange urge to get some tattoos, that was new, and he could smell and hear ten times better than before but otherwise he seemed the same. He felt strangely relieved about that.

He returned to the bedroom and picked up his phone, going to text Doc and let him know, but paused before starting to type. One more scientific experiment before he got back in contact with the world.

He put the phone down and moved back a little. This... 'other form'... business. He had often wondered what it would feel like to be something else... he'd never have a better chance to find out.

Paranoidly checking that the curtains were firmly closed, he took a breath, and reached into his new abilities, searching for this 'other form' with curious caution. He found it, as easily and naturally as flexing a muscle, and activated it.

He grunted as he felt the changes begin immediately. It certainly didn't feel like a dignified, 'godly' change, as there was an immediate crunching sensation in his skull, his teeth moving about and changing shape within his head. He gritted the changing teeth uncomfortably, feeling his spine and hips moving about, forcing him to drop to all fours. His skin felt like it was growing tight on his body, and he realised he was growing, proportionally, a little smaller. His excellent hearing treated him, through migrating ears, to every sound and every creak as his organs sloshed, rearranging themselves inside him, and after a moment or two of rustles and creaks, the sensations stopped.

Hal experimentally opened one eye. Still his room. Good.

He looked down at his hands on the carpet, and was confronted by outsize feline paws. He flexed them, lifting one off the carpet to observe the extending claws, the soft pads, the long, grey-brown mottled hair. Something feline definitely...

But he seemed comparatively small for most big cats...

Moving smoothly and silently, his instincts naturally knowing how to walk on all fours, he padded through the living room to the bathroom, and hopped his front feet up onto the sink to get a look into the mirror.

He calmly observed the creature that looked back at him, a long, tufted ear flicking. “Eurasian Lynx,” he said after a moment, finding that he could still speak, but it was like talking through a mouthful of pudding, his tongue and palate not designed to make these sounds. “Sense of humour after all...” he rolled the sounds with his mouth, trying to practice them. “One of the only apex predators to ever be native to Ireland.” He shook his head, dropping down from the sink, walking experimentally around the flat, lifting his proportionally massive feet unnecessarily high and putting them down with soft stomps. He paused a moment, looking through to the bedroom, he hunched down, tensing his muscles, feeling his entire body coiling like a spring, and then leapt. He cleared the distance through the door, up onto the bed, and almost crashed off the other side, only managing to stop himself by instinctually digging his claws into the bed. He pulled himself upright and frowned as he pulled his claws out of the mattress. “Woops...” he said, padding at the neat semi-circle of rips. “That's the end of that bedsheet.”

He sat on the bed, considering himself. He was alive. He had survived it all and come out the other side. Now he could finally work to conquer the other issues plaguing his mind without a constant voice telling him how worthless he was along with all of his attempts to succeed his goal of helping people. And now, he was starting to develop connections with people again. This was a fresh start, he could just pretend he was normal, nobody had to know about any of this nonsense. The more good he did before they found out, the more amnesty he could receive when he finally did get found out. At least he wouldn't be spouting nosebleeds every time he needed a little luck.

Closing his eyes, Hal focused himself on returning to himself, the transformation just as unpleasant in reverse. He got to enjoy the reverse of all his earlier sensations, until he was left in an awkward sitting position on the bed. He reached up to check his face, then went to the bathroom just to be certain he was all still himself. He was. He sighed a bit in relief, and went back for his phone, sitting down on the edge of the bed and holding the thing quietly in his hand, opening up a message but pausing.

He could just... run. Right now. Nobody was expecting him until 8am at the earliest... that was a seven and a half hour headstart... he could be in another country long before anyone started searching for him... could start a new life where there was no risk of anyone finding out what he was now...

But no.

He could never do that.

Blaine had put such trust in him, made it clear that he trusted Hal with his safety, his care, his very being. He had defended him so vehemently. To leave him now would be cruel and stupid. Hal put a hand to his face for even considering the option, glancing at his bedside table where a small print photo sat, framed. Two much younger figures immortalised many years ago on film. It had been the day after Iewan's final graduation, Hal had booked a boat to go on their first ocean adventure together, and their mother had photographed them standing on the dock, Hal pretending to push Iewan into the water and Iewan was pretending like he was going to fall.

But now the pantomimed look of panic on his brother's face seemed to mock him. 'I didn't run away...' it seemed to say, 'I didn't run when we found out I was infected with one of those monsters. You told me we should but I insisted...'

Hal remembered the conversation so clearly. He had demanded Iewan come with him to hide somewhere until they figured things out. Told him that if he were found, the government would cut him up into little teeny pieces to study the seahorror now sharing his body. Iewan had just grabbed him, and told him in calm, soft words, that if the government could stop this by using him as a test subject then he would gladly die for that. The younger brother had put his elder to shame and called him out for his fear and distrust. Hal, schooled by his baby brother, had sworn greater trust in the future, and to help everyone he could

Hal's eyes stung with tears.

He hadn't wept in years.

The last time he had shed tears was as he helped line up the bodies of twelve men and women outside their camp in Scotland, taken by old snake eyes. The freezing wind had turned the tears to ice on his cheeks. For hours, while he waited for pickup to come and take them away, back to their families, he had cried silently, shoulder to shoulder with other survivors who came in shifts to help him watch the camp. He had cried himself dry, and sworn that snake eyes would never take another life.

Perhaps that was when his apathy had truly begun to set in, to protect him from the things he would see and experience as he followed his quest to help.

It was good to know he could cry again.

He glanced down, and wiped his phone on his shirt to clear it of his tears before tapping in a text to Doc. “It's over. I'm okay.”

They had twisted the truth to Deacon, and told him it was a medical procedure on his leg instead so that he would be willing to tolerate the separation. Neither one of them liked to lie to him but at this point, he wasn't ready to know the truth about Hal, who already regretted telling Doc... but it had helped to get it out, and in this case it had given him a valuable ally to conceal his unusual circumstances.

The phone dinged a response, and Hal raised it to look, smiling a little bit at the words. “We're coming over now,” were there to greet him. A month ago, he would have pushed back anyone trying to come and disturb him in the middle of the night... but right now, he missed Deacon a surprising amount, and he could really use some company to help distract him as he got used to... whatever he was now.

Not twenty minutes later, there came a knock at the door. He opened it up and grinned at the huge form of the werewolf, gesturing for him to come in.

“You're okay!” Doc looked relieved, bending down and seizing him in a hug. “You smell... a bit different,”

Hal choked out a laugh, wriggling to try and get the door shut, “I think I am a bit different,” he confirmed. “Where's Deacon?”

“Oh my goodness he has been a nightmare,” said the werewolf, releasing Hal to allow the man to close and lock the door. “So I put him somewhere his concerns about your wellbeing wouldn't bother him for a little bit.”

Hal felt strangely upset by the thought that someone else had eaten his friend but he choked down the feeling and gave the man a slightly awkward grin. “And how did that go?”

“Not as well as I expected?”

“Oh?”

“He has proceeded to complain, loudly, the entire time,”

Hal chuckled, actually already able to hear the small man demanding to be let out to see him. “Well, I'm going to need him back, he's going to be very upset if you don't let him see me,”

“Oh I plan to,” said the werewolf, gently grabbing Hal and drawing him closer, a predatory look in his eyes. “Wouldn't dream of keeping you two apart.”

Hal let out a chuckle, not fighting the grasp. “Alright... but I might taste a little different now.”

Doc seemed to consider this, drawing him closer and taking a sniff, “You do smell different but... I can tolerate it.” He lowered his voice to almost a whisper as his face was beside Hal's. “I've never tasted god before so let's consider this a scientific endeavour.”

Hal closed his eyes as the warmth rushed at him, relaxing and just letting the werewolf get on with it. He was tired above all else now. He had run for so long on so little rest that he was ready to do some catching up. First though, he had a friend to see to, and he was more eager than ever to greet the little man that had given him a reason to stay and keep doing good.

As warmth enveloped him, and heard the annoyed little voice growing closer and closer, he grinned, readying himself to get a thorough telling off for leaving Blaine.

However, there was no such reaction. As he felt himself sliding into a more open space, he wriggled his arms free and got them up ahead of himself to find and capture his friend before he risked landing on him. “Hal!” exclaimed the man as he got a grip on the small body.

“Hi there,” replied Hal, a little strained as he was still upside down.

“How's the leg?”

“Doing good,” said Hal, gently raising the small man up against his chest as he began to curl into the stomach. “How about you? What's a guy like you doing in a place like this?”

“Well, I was just hanging out you see... when this great brute decided I needed a nap because I was bad tempered and here I am.”

Hal chuckled, letting his legs pile down after him, and carefully pushing himself upright, yawning a bit. “I need a nap too, to tell you the truth... it's the middle of the night, and I did just get eaten by a monster...”

“Yeah it's late! Did you only just get back from your leg thing?”

Hal nodded, “Mhmm, I warned Doc it would be late, but it was a bit later than I thought,” he cradled the small body, “So. How about it? Shall we get some rest?”

Deacon gave a little laugh. “That sure is a polite way to ask if you can eat me,” he gently punched Hal in the chest. “But go on ahead. Seen one stomach, seen em all. We only have a couple more days before we go back in the field and I'd like to spend most of that outside if I can.... buuuuut I can tell you're tired, so, just for tonight I will make an exception.”

Hal smiled, bringing the small man up closer, already anticipating that flavour he now found familiar. “I appreciate that. Mighty decent of you.”

“Just go ahead and eat me already you grumpy fuck.”

Hal grinned, giving the man a gentle lick, getting that first tingle that he now knew to be the flavour of the man's very life force, and chuckling, “Gladly,” he said, opening wide, and starting to push the small body inside.

The god had been right... it was much stronger now. The tingle of energy on his tongue felt positively electric now, and he quickly swallowed, eager to get more of it.

Blaine relaxed into the process now, just trusting Hal to do all the hard work, his small form going limp in the investigator's grasp.

Hal was not put off at all by this, in fact the sensation of trust gave him a rush of enjoyment that augmented the already delicious, spicy taste most perfectly. He swallowed again, the tingling spreading along with the small man's progress, so the sensation did not get any less as he pushed Blaine downwards. Almost too soon, the small feet were slipping between his lips, and he was left alone, his focus turned inwards on the overlarge shape squeezing down past his organs. How had he become so comfortable with this so quickly? He was eating someone... his friend was inside him... it was still insanity to the largest and most logical part of his mind. The other part though, the 'creature comforts' part, told the other brain, at least for now, to shut up and go along with it.

As his friend slid into his stomach, rounding it out against his hands just a little, Hal sighed, licking his lips. What a flavour... what a sensation. He blinked suddenly though, as Blaine moved, his tiny hands squashing into the flesh as he worked to arrange himself into a comfortable position, and Hal felt a sudden jolt go through him. It didn't hurt, but he felt all of the nerves in his legs suddenly tingle as though he would have fallen had he been standing. “What the...” he touched at his stomach, the feeling was gone now but for a moment the small man had pressed on something... sensitive. Hal made a mental note to ask to look into that later when he wasn't feeling so tired.

He let out a quiet, contented yawn, and cuddled down into the soft flesh, a strange little noise vibrating in his throat. He blinked in shock as he realised he was purring, and swiftly stopped himself. Definitely definitely none of that... that would bring up questions. He gave a contented little sigh, and cuddled down in place, his arms wrapped around himself. His foe was conquered, and he was surrounded by friends, maybe his battle was over, and now he could finally focus on the thing he had sworn to Iewan he would do. Help as many people as he could. The world still had so much recovering to do from the incident, and he couldn't help it in the way Iewan had intended for him to, but if keeping people from the things that went bump in the night was his role... then maybe now he was finally equipped to do it.

“Well now Iewan,” he murmured quietly to himself. “I wonder if you could ever have predicted this,” he chuckled, giving Deacon a gentle squeeze, and smiling as he felt Doc stroke at him gently. He looked upwards, “Doc, feel free to use the bed. It's old and creaky but it should be able to cope with your bulk.”

“Bulk?!”

Hal chuckled, gently kicking at the huge man as he felt movement outside. “Just get your ass to bed.”

The werewolf's chuckle rumbled around him as the man walked through to the bedroom and settled with a little groan.

There was a peaceful moment, and all three breathed a sigh of relief as they relaxed. After a moment, Doc spoke once more. “Hal?”

“Mmm?”

“Why does your bed smell like a cat has been on it?”

“Mmm no idea.”

“You don't own a cat?”

“Nope, not since I was a kid.”

“Hal? Is there something you're not telling me?”

Hal smiled smugly to himself as he cuddled down firmly in place and relaxed, closing his eyes, ready for a peaceful and very well earned rest.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

<< First || Previous || Masterlist || Next >> (Next chapter available on my Kofi/Patreon! Free release date for this chapter will be around May 16th! I offer both a single purchase per chapter option, as well as a monthly subscription which will offer full access to the chapters a fortnight early as well as additional content for the ISMI universe! I appreciate all and any support I can get <3)

So, the god has finally caught up to Hal, and they have resolved their issues. Now, he just has to pretend as though everything is super duper normal going forwards, and I'm sure that that will never be a problem ever >_>

Come back next time where our boys will return to investigating supernatural shit. And probably more vore. Definitely more vore.

[jasper-tarot-reader]

Hello Jasper! Thank you so much for these readings :)

I’m Cheshi

she/her

I’m honestly looking for a vibe check, particularly a spiritual one. Could very much use a “fuck me up” reading, tbh. Occurrences have been occurring.

the Occurrences: Basically I tried trance work on the last full moon, and it went well (worked, I used a youtube video) except that I struggled to get myself out of it and had intrusive thoughts related to trance for the following couple of days- “what if i slip back in unexpectedly” “what if I’ve sacrificed control of my brain to this random youtuber” etc and it really has not been the enlightening experience I hoped. Today I actually *did* slip back kind of unexpectedly (it was not nearly as scary as I feared and I actively chose it) and I’m super unclear as to why now, what did any of it mean, what is happening, etc. I asked my cards and they all kind of said ominous things about this being part of the process (I have been working with the Moon on this journey). I was also given the Fool Card.

TLDR: I’m trying to develop better clairvoyance and I keep having weird experiences that don’t make much sense to me, but which are very powerful. Any clarity or guesses at all would be appreciated!

So, this became quite the reading. I ended up using the Everyday Tarot (which belongs to Azura), the In-Between Tarot (which belongs to Cernunnos), and the Mermaid Tarot (which belongs to Aphrodite). In addition, I pulled on the advice of some friends who are wayyyy more familiar with trance stuff than I am. Stay tuned for the entire reading.

Your cards from each deity are the Nine of Pentacles reversed and the Four of Swords upright from Azura, the Four-Five of Cups and the Page-Knight of Swords from Cernunnos, and the Chariot upright and Justice reversed from Aphrodite. Let's start from the far left and move to the right.

Let's start with Azura. Her cards are overall quite simple - you have become spooked, but you have found something you're good at and hit the next milestone for your practice. You have found a natural talent of yours - that is, entering trance states - and you should take a break and clear your mind before trying to delve once more into these.

Cernunnos next. He's been encouraging me to reach more liminal states such as trance work, and he certainly seemed like he wanted to add commentary here. The Four-to-Five of Cups is a card of disassociation and a split of paths, indicating that something precious has been lost but there's till a way forward. The Page-to-Knight of Swords is a card undergoing a rite of initiation, a young person undergoing a coming of age ceremony. The learning goalposts are higher and more intense. Like Azura, Cernunnos says that you should prepare for a large learning curve coming up and utilize the calm before the storm.

Finally, Aphrodite. Like the others, she is of the opinion that this will be an interesting upcoming journey, taking you not to where you want to go but to where you need to go. The vagueness may seem frustrating, but you won't forget the ride - this is not merely a journey, but an adventure. Unlike the other two, she provides a warning as well - short-term gains may mean long-term pain. Things will not seem to be in your favor, but justice isn't about being right or avenged - it's about finding a way to reconcile what's already been done. Reconciliation can never truly make up for what happened or repair the damage that has taken place, but the longer you try and mold it to your pain, the worse off you will find yourself and everyone involved. In this case, the sword is lower than the scrolls of wisdom on the scale, outweighing them.

Okay, so, let's pause for a moment and examine all of the elements involved. Ultimately, this is an overwhelmingly Air-aligned reading - two Swords suits and a reversed Pentacles. Justice here also seems pretty Swords-focused, with the blade outweighing the scrolls. The Cups stand out as the Water representation and helps tie the Mermaid Tarot backwards into the rest of the reading. This is, overwhelmingly, a reading revolving around the intellectual realm and the mind, and how you then feel about it. That may seem odd at first, but ultimately trance states are less a matter of energy and more a matter of the brain.

There's also something interesting going on with the numbers here. A 9 which slides down into a 4, sits at roughly a 4-going-on-5, shoots back up to essentially an 11-going-on-12, drops back down to 7, and finally kicks back up to 11. I'm not as versed on reading numbers as I am reading elements, but oh buddy, it's giving me whiplash this time around. There's a lot of back and forth and ups and downs here, meaning that the path you've opened up for yourself - whether you meant to or not - is going to be bumpy.

Overall, the deities I worship who wanted in on this reading were overall incredibly hyped that you've managed to reach a trance state and rather encouraging about further exploring this in relation to your practice.

Now, I'm more or less going to paraphrase what my friends said when I spoke to them about this (mostly because I needed an outside perspective on trance states, as I don't…I just don't with trance states, it's not something I typically use).

One friend was of the opinion that you taking to trance quickly with one video and slipping randomly means that you're naturally attuned to this technique, which means that you'll have to work more than others to not trance out randomly. They advise avoiding doing energy work because trance is a brainwave state rather than a state of heightened metaphysical energy. They say that if you are sensitive to trance states, you can't approach it "casually" (quotes theirs) the way some people do. After some more practice, you may find more stable footing, but personally this friend would take this event as a sign to be cautious when choosing to enter trance and intentionally space out trance-related practice.

Personally, I deal with intrusive thoughts a whole hell of a lot. I don't know how common they are for you, but I've gotten to the point where I can just shrug them off. Trances are alien to me, but suddenly being thrust into a new aspect of one's craft is not. For me, I found a new path in the woods that felt like coming home amidst a bunch of new stuff that I'm honestly lowkey struggling to deal with (I tend to overthink things, after all). For you, it seems more like you got dumped in GeoGuessr and now have to navigate your way to an airport with nothing but a toothbrush and a vague sense of where north is at any given moment. It's new, it's scary, but - to me, at least - it seems worth exploring. You said this was part of your journey with the Moon, and you drew the Fool. Looks to me like you've got one hell of a questline in your journal.

I would do the whole feedback spiel here, but I'm sure you already know my whole bit. I have a feeling you'll have to chew through this reading for a little while anyway.

~Jasper

I'm going to go lay down because I am utterly sapped now. Six cards and three deities is not easy. I see why Khajiit charges for readings above five cards, this is exhausting.

[gracetoldmeto]

really long rant: why am i so scared of everything?

note: the rest of this post was a draft i made a few days ago, and was going to let rot forever, but today has messed me up so much i just said *why not* and posted bc idk... why not...

im not like 'BOO!!! jumpscare' scared just like... there are so many things in life that could go wrong that are entirely out of your control and theres absolutely nothing you can do about it, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING, because shit happens and sometimes that shit is BAD and permanently fucks you over for life and thats just the way it is bc fate is a game of chance (this is my dramatic ass way of saying 'a forever change') but everyone says "oh if you cant control it then why worry?"

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?

NO. THAT IS NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS I DO WORRY.

I could die tomorrow. I could get a terminal diagnosis tomorrow. Someone (else) I love could die (again) tomorrow. Maybe my house could burn down tomorrow. Maybe in some freak accident everything I've ever known is taken from me... somehow?

can i control any of this? no.

so what do i do about it??? anything i can to minimize the fallout just in case...

bc isnt that just called RESPONSIBILITY???

ie: house fire? -> ok. insurance.

medical? -> insurance.

death? (that isnt mine) -> stable income

(note #1: this is about the point in my writing of this post where i dont even have the motivation to finish it bc i just wanna sit down and cry... but i might as well)

so OKAY, guess what? i did something about all those possibilities, so my anxiety should be relieved, right? fear gone! all okay now!

WRONG!

all that structure ive created bc its the "rEsPoNsiBLe" way to live, is a slow painful depressing death of my mental health at the hands of my job

yes, id rather gain an inch than lose a mile, small sufferings over large,

but oh my god is that all life is? small sufferings???

if i keep only suffering one inch at a time im going to end up killing myself and i dont quite think anyone truly GETS that except my therapist

this isnt like high school where i knew jack shit about mental health, i know what help is out there, whether or not it works is a totally different story

(note #2: i have looked at my options, ive read the rules, and id actually rather take my metaphorical little plastic car you get at the start of The Game of LIFE boardgame and throw it out a fucking window)

im past the point of easy help and unfortunately the conclusion i keep coming back to is a quote from a fic i wrote last year...

whatever THIS life is, regardless of how much i worked my ASS off for it, i dont want it anymore

(note #3: i dont even think id be in this spot if i didnt have shit luck)

i am equally fucked by either...

1) being responsible, financially safe, insured, but sad af at my job and actively praying something kills me in my sleep

OR

2) quitting my job with no plan and being scared that fate is gonna fuck me over for the upteenth time and this time i wont be able to bounce back or (lets be real) even have a want to (but thats a discussion for another time)

this is no way to fucking live, yet here i am

why am i scared of everything? well, yes i know WHY (bc from personal experience i know what can go wrong)

why am i scared of everything? because you cant be scared of something if you dont know it exists BUT in order to be prepared and responsible it means you have to acknowledge that YES IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU

so how the hell am i supposed to be responsible when i hate what comes with it???

"hey alex, what do you wanna be when you grow up? (1) sad or (2) scared?"

actually neither, id rather simply not exist

why am i scared of everything? because how else am i supposed to act?

why am i scared of everything? because actually, there is no answer to this... there is no reason... its just another shit thing in life that iunno how to deal with

why am i scared of everything? because the universe said so and so thats how it is

and i fucking hate it

.

...ok thats all im gonna go make a quesadilla now

[devastatedloyallute]

Waiting On A Miracle -A Guitarspear fic, sequel to BTTWS Chapter 4

Summary: Something unexpected happens. ______________

Read on [AO3] 💕 of under the cut! ______________

Lute had seemed to become less affected by the upsetting news she had received from Asmodeus weeks before. Things were almost back to normal now, aside for the occasional weak moments after intimacy. The pleasure was always rewarding, but sometimes the knowledge that it would never result in a child got to her. 

In those weeks Lute was determined to get her head back in the game and start preparing for the next upcoming extermination. There was plenty of work to be done; better armor to order and fit the exorcists with, the training they would need, and the paperwork. Ugh, the paperwork. She was not looking forward to that. 

“Adam, have you put any thoughts into getting those new uniforms ordered?” Lute asked.

Adam stared at her blankly, “Uh…no. Should I have?”

Lute covered her face with her hand, shaking her head, “Just because little miss princess’s hotel is starting to work doesn’t mean we get to slack off.”

“But you-” Adam stopped himself. She had been “slacking off” just as much as he was. Clearly she’s projecting and looking for a way to get her mind off the baby troubles. “Sure, babe. Where should we start?”

“We should start with explaining to everyone what is happening. I assume that they’ve just been off doing their own things since…since last year,” Lute hesitated. She hadn’t even talked to any of them since the last extermination. She had been so stuck in her head coping and taking care of Abel, that the exorcists had barely crossed her mind. Bringing herself back to her line of thought, “We should inform them that the hotel and its people are strictly off limits. With any luck, she should know to keep them indoors to avoid any accidents.”

Adam nodded, “Sounds good, and uh, you going to work up training plans? Or should I?”

“I’ll do it,” Lute snorted a laugh. “You can do the physical portion though,” she flashed him a wink.

Adam grinned. It was great to see her acting normal again.

As the early morning sun rose, casting its light through the windows, Lute found herself once again in the bathroom. Still wishfully hoping for a miracle to happen, she had taken another pregnancy test. After placing the test on the sink counter for it to process, Lute threw her head into her hands, ‘Why am I still doing this to myself…’

After anxiously waiting those few minutes, Lute begrudgingly reached for the test, her eyes closed because she knew what she was going to see anyway and didn’t want to be right, ‘Why am I even bothering with–’ Opening her eyes revealed that extra blue line she had been wanting to see, ‘–this.’ Her breathing began to shallow the longer she stared at the item in her hand. She could hear her heart beat pounding in her ears. ‘What? How is this possible? Maybe this one’s defective,’ she reached for the packaging to check for an expiration date but didn’t find one. Things don’t expire in Heaven, silly.

Lute clutched the positive test in her hand, part of her fearing that if she let go of it that it would disappear. Stepping into the kitchen, Adam was trying his best to make something that one could consider breakfast. Hearing her footsteps drag along the floor, Adam poked his head up, “Woah, you’re looking paler than usual somehow, you feeling okay?”

Still in shock, all she could do was hold the test out in the palm of her hand and hope she wouldn’t have to say anything. She wasn’t sure she could force her mouth to say any form of words or even sounds. Adam tilted his head in confusion, eyeing her down until he realized what she was holding. His eyes widened. He hadn’t realized she would still be taking these. This was pure luck on his part because he had no way of trying to coerce her into taking one, it being a sensitive topic and all, and on top of that not wanting to out himself. 

He carefully took the test from her hand to get a better look. Yup, that shows two lines alright. Not that he had any doubts, of course. He let the test slip from his grasp as he lifted her by the waist into the air, “Holy fucking shit!”

Lute breathed a faint yelp as he raised her, automatically wrapping her arms around his neck. She couldn’t help but smile as he littered her cheeks with kisses, “It– It’s probably just a false positive, so let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.”

“What? Babe! This is fan-fucking-tastic!” Adam exclaimed as he returned her feet to the floor.

Lute looked at the fallen test on the floor, crossed her arm over her chest and ran the cool metal along her skin, “…It’s just that…I was told it wasn’t possible. And now it’s showing positive? I’m just in disbelief…” She paused, looking up at him. “I’m sorry, but I don’t want to get our hopes up on an impossibility…” She pressed herself against him as she felt she couldn't hold herself up. The weight on her heart was too much. 

“It’ll be okay, babe. No matter the outcome, we’ll be alright,” Adam wrapped his arms tightly around her. 

Lute nodded into him before pulling away and wiping the tear threatening to run down her cheek. “I know...thank you,” she whispered as Adam caressed her cheek and ran his thumb over her cheekbone before kissing her forehead. She softly smiled at him before making a face when catching a scent of smoke in the air, “I think your breakfast is burning.”

“AHH- No!” Adam yelled as he went to check the stove. With a chuckle, Lute bent over to pick up the discarded test. She looked at it discouragingly as she placed it into her nightstand beside the bed. Maybe it’s a false positive, but…it’s sentimental in a way.

Returning to Adam in the kitchen, Lute pressed into him, hugging him from behind. With a whisper she sighed, “If I start showing, maybe then I’ll start to believe it.”

After a brief moment of quiet, Adam turned to hug her properly and kiss her. Breaking away from the kiss she laughed, “But that doesn’t mean making me eat more to make it seem like I’m pregnant when I’m not.” She raised her pitch to mock what he’d say, “You gotta eat so the baby will grow!”

“Hey but that’s true!” Adam laughed.  “You do gotta eat more when you’re growing a whole ass baby in your tummy!”

“Alright, alright. Don’t be so loud, Abel’s still sleeping,” Lute shushed.

“We gonna tell him when he gets up?”

“No. As I said, this was supposed to be an impossibility, and so who’s to know if it even stays viable. Things could happen that we have no control over. So we’ll wait,” she said cooly, regaining that stoicness she inadvertently used as a way to protect her emotions.

As the coming months passed, Lute had indeed began showing, even if only a little, much to her surprise. Adam however, couldn’t contain his enjoyment. Every morning that Lute exited their bedroom and came down the hallway, he would immediately meet her and frame her belly with his hands, and nuzzle his face into her. 

“Would you stop that, there’s barely anything there,” she would say with an eye roll. But who was she kidding, she loved it.

Adam turned his face to peer up at her, and with the most seriousness, “Never.”

Over those months, despite the occasional bouts of morning sickness, Lute had to admit she wouldn’t have it any other way. This would all be worth it, right?

One afternoon a knock came at the door. Emily had stopped by for a quick check in. Okay, maybe Adam had texted her and told her everything because there was absolutely no way he would be able to keep this excitement to himself. Besides, Emily was the entire reason they were able to do this, so of course she should be in the loop. He did have to remind her to “play dumb” and act as though she has no idea of the pregnancy.

“What?! Oh my gosh guys, that's amazing!! Congratulations!! Oh my gosh, I have so many questions!” Emily exploded into tears and cheers when Lute told her she was pregnant. Adam of course pushed her a little into sharing. He didn’t mind, sharing the news with one person wouldn’t hurt.

“Ask away, might have answers for ya,” Adam smirked.

“Ooh okay so first things first! Have you told Abel yet??” Emily asked, peeking down the hallways towards his room. “What does he think? Where is he?”

Lute shook her head, “Not yet. We wanted- well, I wanted to wait until we fully knew for sure. It’s been a handful of months now though and to be honest it’s getting a bit difficult to hide.”

“And Abel is actually over at the daycare. He wanted to spend the day with his friends there, we’re picking him up later,” Adam cut in.

Emily gave an understanding nod, “Okay next, boy or girl?! Which is it, which do you want?!”

“We aren’t picky,” Lute said, shooting Adam a look.

Adam shrugged, “I’m leaning towards girl, buuuut…honestly? Doesn’t really matter.”

“What about name ideas then?” Emily asked giddily.

Adam swiped his hand, “Nope! I’ve named enough things, that’s gonna be all her.”

Lute rolled her eyes with a grin, “Not really, no.”

A silence fell through the room before Lute cleared her throat to speak, “Actually, Emily. I have a question or two for you.”

“Uh, sure!” Emily hesitated and bit her cheek. Was she about to figure out their little plan? Did she come off too knowing somehow?

“I was wondering if perhaps you knew how long angelic pregnancies are? Don’t get me wrong, this has literally been a blessing and half, but how much longer will I have to wait?” Lute asked. “...I miss sushi,” she pensively whispered to herself aloud.

“Yeah I was thinking about that too. Are they like human pregnancies where they take like nine months, or are they longer?” Lute made a disgusted face at Adam when he implied at the chance it could be longer.

Emily pursed her lips in thought, “Uhmmm…Gee I don’t actually know! It’s not very often a new angel is born…I could always ask Sera?”

“No!” Adam had hollered louder than he had meant to. “I mean– Nooo need to get her involved, right? We don’t need to have her on our case, being all helicopter-y. She doesn’t need to know our business. We want to surprise everyone, after all,” Adam explained as he stepped over to the couch behind Lute and rubbed her shoulders, all while staring Emily down.

Lute raised a brow at him skeptically before looking back to Emily, “I was only curious because of the extermination. I need to try and plan around that.”

“Oew…you’re still doing those…Right,” Emily recoiled.

“Well, she’s not, but yes,” Adam clarified. Lute opened her mouth to argue but was interrupted by Adam covering her mouth, “Nope, shut your face. We went over this.” Lute tried to lick herself free from his hold, but as he was accustomed to that being her way to get out of their play fights, he ignored it.

Unintelligible muffled grumbled noises continued to come from her as Adam resorted to petting her hair like one would a cat. “Anyway, yeah she’s not going because if going to Hell will trigger a period, then what the fuck is it gonna do while she’s pregnant? Yeah, I don't wanna find out. Not taking that chance, so be mad all you want,” he stuck his tongue out at her when he tipped her head back. Lute snarled at him, returning the gesture.

Emily looked between the two and smiled, “That does make sense, a miscarriage would be horrible! Or any other compilations would be bad too…Which reminds me, you are seeing a doctor, right?”

The room fell silent.

“Nothing has been wrong so why would she?” Adam asked bluntly.

Emily squished her face in disbelief and horror, “You’re supposed to be getting prenatal care! Even I know that much!”

“Pfft, that shit wasn’t around when my kids were born, sooo how would I know? Everything turned out fine then,” Adam waved nonchalantly.

Emily ran a hand down her face, “Oh my gosh, unbelievable. Okay. Lute, I will get you an appointment set up and then you’re both going.”

“That might not be–” Adam bit his tongue before he said something that would out him, “–such a bad idea! Thanks kid, you’re a lifesaver.”

Later when they arrived back home with Abel, they sat him down on the couch to tell him the news. They sat on either side of him. Adam began, “Abel, we’ve got some big news, you wanna hear it?”

“Big good news, or big bad news?” Abel asked innocently.

“It’s big good news,” Lute reassured.

“Oh okay!”

“You’re gonna be a big brother soon,” Adam said with a soft voice and smile.

Abel’s eyes lit up, “Wait, you mean–” he looked to Lute and down to her basketball sized belly, “there is a baby in there?”

“Mhm, you’ve got a little brother or sister cooking up in mama’s tummy,” Adam lightly rubbed at the baby bump.

“You can touch, Abel. You might even feel them kick,” Lute offered.

Abel gently placed his hands onto her belly, waiting and watching in wonder. When the baby did kick at him, Abel withdrew his hands to his face giggling. “When will I get to meet them?”

“You sort of already are,” Lute said with a light chuckle.

Abel looked at Lute for a long moment before he spoke, “I kind of had an idea that there was a baby in there, but I didn’t want to say anything and be rude…”

“What do you mean you “had an idea”? They teach you about babies and shit in that daycare?” Adam asked with abrupt laughter. Abel shyly shrugged his shoulders, in that little kid way that means, ‘I don’t really know, I’m just pretending to know.’

“Mama?”

“Yes?”

“Is it gonna be a boy like me?”

Lute ruffled his hair, “We don’t know yet, buddy. I think we’re going to wait until they’re born to find out.”

“Oh! Right, hey kiddo, this is top secret information! We’re planning a big surprise for when the baby’s born, so you can’t tell anyone,” Adam made a shushed gesture to his lips. Abel nodded and pretended to zip his lips.

Lute lifted a brow in thought. There was him mentioning surprises again. It seemed strange, but then again she would rather not be the center of attention, so keeping things ‘a surprise’ was just fine by her.

Has Lute caught on to Adam's little secret? Return of the artwork!! 😁💕

[myheartisonthetrain]

okay new theme new era.

Mj isn't coming back. i might see her before i leave school but it's unlikely to be for long and there's no use in deluding myself, it's the truth. i don't care about the months i waited for her and thought about her every day, i learnt a lot in that time and i'm becoming like her in little ways which stops me from launching myself off a twelve storey building. great. what's next for noa?

i turn sixteen in less than a month, and that technically means i can do whatever the fuck with adults as long as they're not in a position of authority (ex. teachers, carers.) does that mean i will? probably not. i'm somewhat sex repulsed but also have very sexual thoughts and feelings, which is fairly normal and definitely expected since i have trauma. exams are really soon which you know i love and am totally prepared for (very big lie) so once those are out the way i'm FREE from the shackles of this godforsaken school and i start the next chapter of mi vida! fear not, i will keep this account no matter what unless i end up having a massive reputation to uphold, which is unlikely for a number of reasons. i don't know if i'll stay a tc account, my focus is slowly shifting from teachers to anyone i feel validated by and the people in my posts may be less consistent.

for the past few days i've been mildly obsessing over an online friend i used to have on tumblr who ghosted me in october, i've blocked him on this blog now but he definitely could've come across it and that worries me since he's worked in education before. he's old and he liked my art on main before anyone else followed me :( we talked about philosophy, psychology, art, life, gaming, literally loads of stuff and since i'm regaining my interest in the part of psychology he specialises in, i REALLY miss him. he never ever groomed me or was weird or sexual, but i got so ecstatic when we spoke to each other because he was really intelligent and seemed to genuinely like me and think i was smart and fun to talk to (looking back at our messages, i was so cringe. he probably caught onto how i felt and removed himself for that reason.)

in all these crushes and attachments i've had, they always seem to get worse when they leave. literally all the time.

Mj - got worse when she went on leave

ß - summer holidays in 2023. we don't discuss it.

🐹 - the original™️ attachment/crush, got waaayy worse after we went to different schools

🦊 - only started when she stopped being friends with me and avoided me at all costs

this person - got worse after they ghosted me !! AAAAAuH. i'm gonna call them 👾

so 👾 wants nothing to do with me. i sent a message to him yesterday for the first time since december and he hasn't paid any attention. if i contacted him again it would only be to ask why he stopped talking to me, without any judgement from my side of course. i was thirteen when he first messaged me. maybe he just did the maths and i gave him pocd. or maybe he was a pedo and needed to stop himself but i doubt my cringefail kaomoji messages were at all tempting. noa out 🫡 have a great easter mothrfuckers

[akumu-in-a-bottle]

So I had queued the post for this morning but I don't think it posted so here it is:

Hello! I am participating in @rottmnt-secret-gifting s Halloween exchange.

This is my work for @donatellokinnersinner it is based on their fic Donnie Gets Shredded so if you haven't read it go do so because it's good and it'll make this make sense.

Anywho without further ado here it is and Happy Halloween lovelies:

It had been a year since they fought and defeated the Shredder. A year since Donnie got his shell hurt. A year since they were all traumatized, to say the least. But they were all over it. Sort of. Maybe. Not really.

It was Halloween, well kind of. It was the night before and the turtles, Splinter and April were having a little fashion show to reveal all of their costumes. So far Ralph had shown them all his Teddy bear costume, Mikey with his Bob Ross, April with her Mina Ashido cosplay and Splinter with his Master Yoda. They were all now in their pj’s, as to not get their costumes dirty, and sitting on the couch.

Now it was the twins turn. Leo was up first. The fact Leo is flamboyant is common knowledge, the fact he is very into vocaloid not so much. So when he walked out with a whole ass cosplay the rest of them were at least half surprised. The pretty skirt, the sleek tie, the beautiful blue hue, the texture of the ponytails, it has things they all love and even things they didn’t know they loved!

The first few notes of one of Hatsune Miku’s songs started playing and of course he’s singing. By the end of the song there was hoots and hollers and pats on the back.

“I didn’t know you liked Hatsune Miku, Leo.” Said April as Leo removed the costume and slipped into his sweatpants and tank top.

“There’s lots you don’t know about me~” he replied with a wink. “Anywho get ready cuz Donnie has been hyping up his costume for this year since last Halloween.”

Suddenly all the lights went out and everyone jumped into a fighting stance ready to go out guns blazing until the crackle of the speakers coming to life once more and Donnie’s voice filled the room.

“Nobody panic. We put a bit too much strain on the main generator and it’s been due for repairs for a while, don’t worry the back up generator should be online right about… now.” The lights came back on. “Alright the lights might flicker a bit but other than that it should be fine until Shelldon or myself goes and fixes the main generator. Back to my costume, prepare to be ✨bedazzled✨ and by ✨bedazzled✨I mean terrified because hopefully you’ll be scared shitless-”

Donnie turned off the speakers because otherwise he wouldn’t stop talking. He grabbed the small bucket full of red he had set to the side for this moment and dumped it on his person. He made sure his fake popped out eye was perfect, his stance was good and the color of his make up was accurate to an actively decomposing corpse. He took a deep breath and stepped into the ‘runway’.

One step out and everybody reeled back. They were way more than scared shitless. Donnie’s zombie costume was something out of nightmares (that is a compliment), there was blood and guts everywhere and it looked real. That was the problem. The blood and the injuries looked /real/. The rest of the group shivered at the memory, and looked away in disgust and fear, except for Leo. The sight of his twin bathed in very /real/ looking blood had his head spinning as everything flooded into his brain as if he were there again. The exposed ribs, his injured shell, the screams, oh gods, the screams. Leo didn’t notice he was curling in on himself as tears ran down his face at the flashbacks.

A distant voice called his name, it got closer and closer until he heard it everywhere.

Leo, Leo, Leo.

“Leonardo!” Donnie’s rarely worry ridden voice cut through his thoughts. “Are you okay? Talk to me man.”

But it wasn’t Donnie. It was that blood soaked, lethally injured apparition of him.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t save you…” he began muttering.

Leo would never admit it but he had nightmares like this all the time, he would be in his room in a reality were he was too late, were his brother was gone and he’d wake up in a cold sweat at just the idea. He would then silently walk over to his purple counterpart’s room only to make sure he was still there, still breathing and then not be able to sleep for a week.

He began to tremble as silent sobs racked his chest and he retracted into his shell as the word sorry fell from his lips repeatedly.

About what felt like a minute later he realized there was something soft against his plastron, like a pillow, and circles being rubbed on his shell. He slowly inched his head out of his shell as his crying subsided and the calming ministrations continued. He slowly blinked his eyes open and he noticed he was laying on a pillow on Ralph’s chest.

“W-what-“

“You’ve been crying and whimpering in your shell for approximately 14 minutes and thirty seven seconds.” Said Donnie’s voice behind him.

The wash of relief that came over Leo when he realized the makeup and costume was gone as Donnie sat on the couch in just his sweatpants was short lived when he saw the tear stains on the purple turtle’s face and mask.

“Dee… Are you okay?” Asked Leo as he crawled completely out of his shell. He went to crawl over next to donnie only to realize he was on the completely opposite end of the couch and he had a pillow tied to his back.

“Who cares if I’m okay,” Donnie threw his arms up and then brought them back to hug his knees, his hands resting on his forearms. “are /you/ okay? You were in there for a good while, we were all worried.”

“Yeah, yeah I guess the blood just got to me okay? But back to you, why do you have a pillow tied to your back?”

“My battle shell is going through some repairs and this was the only thing I could think of to cover my scars for now. I really do have to make myself a more casual hard shell for situations like thi-“

“Why did you cover your scars?” Asked Leo, interrupting Donnie’s frazzled rant.

“I panicked, okay! Why didn’t you tell me you had PTSD from my injury? I wouldn’t have made such a realistic, or gore-y for that matter, costume if I had known. You got scared and retracted into your shell, you never go into your shell! I don’t know, you being that scared made me feel exposed and I don’t know, my brain just went into solve the problem mode, I’m sorry.”

“Donnie.”

The soft shell’s head snapped towards the slider.

“Stop scratching your arms, you’ll hurt yourself.”

Donnie looked down at his forearms and realized that he was almost at the point of breaking skin. The white trails left behind by his nails were blooming into a shade of red.

The purple turtle felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see his blue counterpart with the rest of his family standing behind him.

“Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but you shouldn’t be apologizing for also panicking. And honestly I’m… I was gonna say I’m surprised we aren’t comforting you, but I’m not very surprised, like at all.” said Leo.

Donnie chuckled.

Suddenly the lights went out and came back on in quick succession.

“Don’t worry it just the back up generator being weird! And, well, I’m not surprised either. I’m still mad you didn’t tell me you had PTSD but we probably all have trauma we’re hiding from each other.”

“Ha, I suppose we are.”

“And don’t worry, I’ll change the costume.”

“You bet your purple ass you are.”

[aishangotome]

Main Story S2 Chapter 3-10: Noble Illness (崇高的疾病) | Light and Night 光與夜之戀

S2 Chapter 3-07

♡———♡

On the bustling street, bathed in the darkness of night, unfamiliar and indifferent faces passed by.

The giant advertisements by the river shimmered even more brilliantly against the night sky, casting a mosaic of golden light on the water's surface. I couldn't help but imagine Pristine's advertisements appearing there one day.

The frustration that had been weighing on my heart melted away slightly with this hopeful vision. It's okay, I thought, I always knew this path would be difficult, but I've already set my sights on my goal.

I forced myself to shake off the dejection, skipping a few steps as if I had shed the weight of reality.

But I still felt like crying. A deep ache lingered in my heart.

Torn by a mix of indescribable emotions, I belatedly realized that footsteps seemed to be following me.

Remembering my previous experience of being stalked, I instantly became alert.

As the footsteps grew closer, I gathered my strength, preparing to fight back. But when I abruptly turned around, there was no one there, only the streetlight illuminating the alleyway.

You: Was I mistaken?

Confused, I turned my head, but I didn't let my guard down. I quickly turned into the passage leading to the subway entrance.

It was probably close to the last train, as the long passageway was deserted.

I hurried along, when suddenly, an unusual breeze swept past me, as if someone had bumped into me from behind! Then, a hand reached out, and everything went black.

You: !!

I instinctively started to struggle, but quickly realized that the person covering my eyes and the one who had attacked me from behind weren't working together. They were fighting each other.

This is bad! Two groups of attackers! My hazy mind could only come to this conclusion for now. I need to let them wear each other down.

The person holding me suddenly kicked out, sending several people sprawling, and my body went flying as well.

This is my chance! I immediately gathered my strength and struck his arm and chest.

My blows landed with a crack, and the person grunted in pain, his back arching. I gritted my teeth, intending to strike him with my elbow.

???: Ugh—!

The sound of those footsteps was so familiar. I pulled away and stared at the familiar figure before me, stunned.

You: Charlie?

Charlie: Wow, you're really strong! I'm starting to think you really are trying to murder your fiancé.

He rubbed his chest where I had hit him, a playful glint in his eyes.

I stared blankly at him, unable to process what was happening.

The surge of defensive power that had been triggered by danger abruptly dissipated, and my courage seemed to vanish along with it. I sank to the ground, tears streaming down my face.

My sudden outburst flustered him. He quickly crouched beside me and patted my head.

Charlie: There, there, it's okay. The bad guys are gone. Don't be scared.

His tone was soothing, like he was comforting a child, patient and gentle. My tears flowed even harder.

You: They were following me the whole way. There was no one else around. I was so scared...

Charlie: Want us to go after them and teach them a lesson?

You: N-no, you already chased them away...

He looked at me with amusement, not saying anything, just staying by my side.

As I gradually calmed down, exhaustion replacing the fear, a wave of embarrassment washed over me. I buried my face in my arms, unable to look up.

Charlie: You've got snot all over your face.

You: Do you have a tissue?

He patted his pockets, but couldn't find any. Without hesitation, he took off his jacket and offered it to me.

I accepted it and, without any pretense of politeness, wiped my nose, then shoved it back into his arms. Charlie's expression flickered with a mix of emotions, but he held his tongue.

Charlie: Feeling better now?

I nodded, wiped my face, and finally looked up.

You: I'm not completely useless, am I? I... I just helped that woman.

Charlie: Who dares say you're useless? My fiancée is the most capable person in the world.

Charlie: And to the people you protect, you're a hero.

You: But I was still followed, and almost caught. Why is it so hard...?

Thinking about it all, a wave of frustration overwhelmed me.

You: Why can't I be a mature adult?

I hated socializing, hated forcing smiles, hated saying things I didn't mean.

You: I just want to focus on my work. I hate all these unexpected things.

You: Don't expect anything from me. I'm not brave at all. Don't put any more pressure on me. I'm a coward.

You: Why is growing up so tiring? I don't want to always pretend to be happy, pretend to be okay. I can't forget.

You: I just want to give up on everything. I wish someone could take me away...

Charlie listened quietly to my outpouring of emotions, gently rubbing my back as I sobbed.

Charlie: Wait here for a moment.

He picked up a small stone from the ground and returned to me, drawing on the pavement.

You: What are you drawing?

He just smiled and didn't answer. I looked closely and finally recognized a bird in the crooked lines.

It had two shiny eyes, a sun behind it, a sparkling lake below, and a round object in its beak.

You: What is it?

Charlie: Guess.

You: Jingwei filling the sea?

Charlie: Nope. It's a unique bird, the only one of its kind in the whole world.

Confused, I stared at him blankly.

Charlie: It's a story someone once told me.

Charlie: This little bird, because he was born different, didn't feel the cold and didn't like bugs.

Charlie: He loved to eat popcorn and drink chocolate milk.

He pointed at the lake in the drawing, and I realized it was supposed to be made of chocolate milk.

Charlie: But he was worried about being different.

Charlie: What kind of bird isn't afraid of the cold? What kind of bird likes human food?

Charlie: He often doubted his judgment of the world, doubted if his persistence and principles were right.

I couldn't help but smile. The person who told him that story was me.

You: So how did he figure it out?

Charlie: Because later, he discovered he wasn't alone. His fiancée was also a bird who wasn't afraid of the cold and loved sweets, just like him.

Charlie: And his fiancée told him that even if he was stuck, even if he was different from everyone else, he should believe that what he was doing was right.

Charlie: Someone finally understands me. We're the most special pair of birds in the world, he thought.

Charlie: But now, his fiancée is starting to doubt herself.

Charlie: You're so unique, how can you expect everyone to understand? If everyone understood you, you'd be ordinary.

Charlie: Smile, fiancée.

A subtle pang resonated within me, a feeling I couldn't quite describe. Tears flowed down my cheeks, but this time, they were warm.

You: Am I really that special?

Charlie: Special enough to be the perfect match for me, what do you think?

His bright, self-assured smile was even more dazzling than usual, as if trying to lift my spirits, but my heart still stubbornly sank.

You: But the adult world isn't that simple.

You: Like you doctors, if you encounter an annoying patient, can you refuse to treat them? Or do you have to treat them anyway?

Lost in my own thoughts, I didn't notice Charlie's sudden change in expression.

You: I guess that's just how society works. Once you enter the workplace, you have to adapt to the rules.

You: Everyone goes through this. We all have those moments of youthful rebellion when we want to fight the world.

You: Instead of stubbornly resisting and getting hurt, it's better to just accept it. It's better for me, right?

I rapidly recited those undeniable truths, as if trying to convince myself, to suppress all the frustration and resentment.

Under the pale light, Charlie simply watched me quietly.

Finally, he spoke calmly.

Charlie: Do you really believe those words?

Charlie: Do you really believe in those rules that were created by others to exploit everyone?

Charlie: How mature do you have to be to be considered "mature?"

I stared at him blankly, the questions I had tried so hard to bury resurfacing.

Charlie: What about me? Do you think I'm mature?

I wanted to nod, but ended up shaking my head instead, unsure how to answer.

Charlie: What am I in your eyes? Mature one minute, immature the next?

You: It's hard to define. Do you think you're mature?

Charlie: I don't know. It's complicated.

Charlie: When I was a teenager, I thought I was the most mature person in the world.

Charlie: But as I got older, I started to feel very immature.

Charlie: And then, for a long time, I thought I would never mature.

Charlie: Back then, a lot of people told me that I should be more mature, that I was already in my twenties, why couldn't I act like an adult?

Charlie: But who says people have to mature? That you have to act a certain way at a certain age?

Charlie: Can't we stay childish forever?

There was a rebellious glint in his eyes, like a wild beast baring its fangs, his ideals unwavering.

Charlie: I've experienced those same moments as you, fiancée. Many times.

He suddenly pulled me into a hug.

Charlie: Back then, some things happened, and I started to really hate myself.

Charlie: I felt like all my struggles were meaningless.

Charlie: I thought it would be better to just be an ordinary doctor, collecting a paycheck, treating patients, nothing more.

Charlie: So I gave up and lived an ordinary life. I thought I would be happier, more at ease.

Charlie: But after a while, I realized that I wasn't more at ease, I was even more anxious.

Charlie: Then I realized—why should I suppress myself for those stupid rules? Who are they to define what's right and wrong?

Charlie: "The bird struggles to escape its shell. The shell is the world. Whoever wants to be born must destroy a world."

You: Is that a quote from Demian?

Charlie: Doesn't it sound like what people say to you? You have to do this and that to be considered an adult. But they haven't even figured out their own lives.

Charlie: Why limit yourself with other people's rules? You only need to be true to yourself.

Charlie: I'm living my own life. No matter what, it's my choice, and I'll bear the consequences, good or bad.

In the dim light, his purple eyes burned bright. I remembered the first time I witnessed Charlie saving someone. He was the same then as he was now, always burning with a passionate, pure heart.

That burning, vibrant spirit was like a newborn's, making it hard to believe how many suffocating trials and tribulations it had endured.

You: Charlie.

Charlie: Hmm?

You: Being a doctor for you... it must be so much harder than it is for me.

Charlie: Why do you say that?

You: Actually, it was after meeting you that I started learning about the lives of doctors. Before, you were all just angels in white coats to me, a distant concept.

You: Working long hours, lacking rest, bearing the weight of patients' lives, with your mind constantly on high alert...

You: Even when you're sick yourself, you prioritize saving others. But doctors get tired too, and scared, don't they?

You: Carrying so much, you sometimes unconsciously treat yourself like a machine.

You: But even if you don't feel it yourself, the people around you worry that you'll collapse under the pressure. I wish you could rest too.

I spoke with heartfelt emotion, not noticing how Charlie was watching me, a flicker in his eyes.

Charlie: My dear fiancée, you've inspired me. I seem to have been overlooking something important.

Charlie gazed at my face, illuminated by the lamplight.

I couldn't detect any self-pity in his expression. It was as if he was constantly chasing something, driven by a force beyond his control, as if even this body was merely a vessel for his dreams.

Or perhaps those dreams were his life itself, and he accepted their demands as naturally as one accepts their fate.

Charlie: Fiancée, do you remember? I was once a firefighter and a journalist.

You: Of course I remember.

I nodded firmly, and Charlie smiled at my serious expression.

Charlie: I always think about the past. I've failed many, many times, but I can't forget those things.

Charlie told me about his past, about Dr. Aesino, condemned by everyone, about the firefighters who innocently sacrificed themselves in the chemical plant with no way to defend their names, and about Old Man Wei, the stubborn recluse.

Charlie: I went to my superiors, and to the governor. I even tried to contact every news outlet I could find to tell the story.

Charlie: But nothing changed.

Charlie: Wei died in that demolished house, but everyone said he was already dead.

Charlie: He was clearly murdered.

Charlie: From that day on, I swore to remember, and one day, expose the truth of what happened.

Charlie: Many years later, I did write about it, but it didn't make any difference.

Charlie: Wei had no family, no one cared about some crazy old man who died years ago.

Charlie: And a new high-rise building was erected on his land. People enjoyed the convenience it brought.

Charlie: No one wanted to know what had happened there in the past.

Charlie's eyes were filled with exhaustion. I knew it wasn't just because of today, but from years of carrying the weight of his struggles and failures.

I stood on tiptoe and gently brushed his hair aside.

You: Charlie, are you tired?

I expected him to shake his head and playfully say that Dr. Zha never got tired. But to my surprise, he froze, as if no one had ever asked him that before.

You: You can lean on my shoulder.

The sudden silence brought a pang to my heart.

Charlie: I don't know.

Prolonged pain could numb a person, and prolonged numbness was a prelude to the end. I desperately wished he would confide in me.

You: But do you feel tired?

Charlie nodded, his expression sincere.

You: I'm sorry.

Charlie: What are you apologizing for?

You: Before, I supported you because you were willing to do those things, but I didn't truly understand the burden you carried.

I thought of the woman I had saved at the hospital entrance.

You: I... I saved someone too, once.

I raised my hands, gazing at the intersecting lines on my palms.

You: It felt incredible. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

I clenched my fists, as if trying to physically grasp that newfound determination.

I took Charlie's hand and shouted towards the empty night sky:

You: Charlie is the best doctor!

You: He saved so many people!

I looked at Charlie, who smiled and nodded.

We stood shoulder to shoulder, bathed in the night wind.

Charlie: My fiancée is the best, most hardworking designer in the world!

Charlie: She can accomplish anything she sets her mind to!

Like me, Charlie shouted towards the sky.

It felt like a weight had been lifted with those cries, leaving us feeling lighter. We smiled at each other, and Charlie reached out his hand to me.

I took his warm, dry hand, tears turning into laughter.

You: You're so unlike yourself today.

Charlie: This isn't like me? I have many sides.

You: Like what?

Charlie: Like a spendthrift rich kid, a responsible angel in a white coat, a domineering CEO...

You: Pfft...

I couldn't stop laughing, the earlier sadness and heaviness completely forgotten.

I didn't know how to express my gratitude, that he was here with me when I was feeling so down.

You: Thank you.

Charlie: You're welcome. But I'd rather hear you say you like me.

You: ...

I sighed in exasperation, pulled back into our usual playful banter.

Although I knew I probably couldn't remain forever childish and brave, even though I had made up my mind, once I stepped onto that battlefield called "society," I would inevitably falter.

Because I didn't have his courage to go against the current, to fight for the life I wanted.

I had always strived to be someone who pleased society, but this time, I didn't want to lose the child within me. That was a person's most easily forgotten, yet most important, original aspiration.

He was the one who gave me strength, who showed me how unique I was.

I didn't know how to tell him how much I envied him.

It was so easy to be a hypocritical, mature adult, but to remain forever childish and brave, that was truly difficult.

Lost in thought, tears streamed down my face once more, but this time, they were tears of relief.

Charlie: Why are you crying again? People will think I'm bullying you.

You: You are bullying me! Staying at my place without paying rent.

Charlie: I already offered myself as payment, and you refused.

You: You're so shameless.

Charlie: Have I ever told you how rich I really am?

I shook my head and gestured with my fingers.

You: Ten billion?

Charlie scoffed.

Charlie: You underestimate me.

You: Well, it's not your money anyway.

Charlie pinched my cheek.

Charlie: Why do you always look down on me? I have plenty of assets besides being a doctor, you know.

You: Oh really? How much?

Charlie: You're such a money-grubber.

He grinned smugly.

Charlie: Enough for you to live a life of luxury for ten lifetimes, spending lavishly without a worry.

You: Then if I ever quit my job, can I borrow money from you to start my own studio?

Charlie: As long as you've thought it through carefully, anytime.

His expression suddenly turned serious. I had assumed he would readily agree or demand something in return, but not this.

—As long as I've thought it through carefully, he would agree.

Even though I had been joking, his expression was sincere, almost grateful, as if he were the one who had gained something precious.

Amused, I squeezed his hand.

You: Charlie, I'm hungry.

You: The food at those banquets isn't meant to be eaten. They just drink, and I'm always starving afterwards.

Charlie, not expecting me to take him up on his offer so soon, burst out laughing.

Charlie: What do you want to eat?

You: Street food!

Charlie: Can you have some standards?

You: Street food is the best.

I dragged him into a taxi without further ado, heading towards the most popular night market in Guangqi.

This night market was always incredibly crowded, and I usually avoided it. But now, with him by my side, I had nothing to worry about.

We strolled along the street, sampling food from stall after stall, sharing a single portion of each dish to save space in our stomachs for more variety.

From sesame paste braised tripe to oyster omelets, then from grilled scallops to coconut chicken... This small street was a treasure trove of flavors from all over.

Amidst the sizzling oil and fragrant steam, we exchanged satisfied smiles with every bite.

We inadvertently ate ourselves to twelve-tenths full.

We strolled along the roadside, enjoying the cool night breeze and aiding our digestion.

We didn't need to say anything, the occasional brush of our swinging hands against each other was enough to bring a sense of contentment.

Walking past a community park, I saw the deserted playground illuminated by streetlights and couldn't help but linger.

Charlie: Want to play?

You: Yeah, but it's closed.

Charlie: Lucky for you, you have me.

As I watched in surprise, he nimbly climbed over the low wall beside the gate and reached out to pull me over as well.

You: Will we get caught on camera?

Charlie: Stop talking and jump.

He jumped down first and held out his arms towards me. I took a deep breath, gathered my courage, and leaped, landing perfectly in his embrace.

The slide was quite small, and I quickly climbed the stairs.

It wasn't even high enough to offer a good view. I looked down and saw Charlie crouching at the bottom of the slide.

Charlie: Play as much as you want, I'll catch you.

You: Don't you think I'm being childish? I'm an adult, playing on these things...

Charlie: You are being childish.

Charlie looked up at me with a grin.

Charlie: But you're my fiancée, so I love everything about you.

I smiled, spread my arms, and slid down the narrow slide, the sensation of weightlessness giving me the illusion of flying.

Moments later, I landed in Charlie's arms, and he hugged me tightly.

Charlie: Got you, fiancée.

Whenever I was afraid of falling, he was always there to pick me up and give me the courage to try again.

We happily played in the small playground until exhaustion and drowsiness washed over me.

I couldn't stay awake any longer and fell asleep in Charlie's arms.

Charlie carried the sleeping girl out of the park.

Reaching the street, he was about to spread his wings when he suddenly stopped.

Charlie: Enjoying the show, Director Lu?

He turned and smiled, meeting the gaze directed at him from behind.

The car that had been slowly trailing them came to a stop, and Evan stepped out. He crossed his arms, his dark red eyes appearing even colder behind his glasses.

The two men stood facing each other, separated by a few meters and the dividing line of light and shadow cast by the streetlights, appraising each other.

Charlie: Director Lu, you have a lot of free time, don't you? I didn't realize you had a penchant for stalking people.

Evan's lips curled into a smirk as he took off his jacket and draped it over the girl.

Evan: Speaking of free time, I certainly can't compete with you, Mr. Zha.

Evan: But you've taken up enough of her time. It's time to let her rest.

He reached out to take the girl into his arms, but Charlie swiftly turned and blocked him.

Evan: Letting someone who's drunk fall asleep out in the open like this, is that how you take care of people?

Charlie: If you hadn't been following us, we would already be home, wouldn't we? Or are you unaware of that, Director Lu?

Evan narrowed his eyes, a flicker of displeasure in his expression.

Noticing this, Charlie's lips curled into a smile, seemingly enjoying the cracks appearing in the man's façade.

Charlie: I heard your company is in a bit of a predicament. Need to borrow some money?

Evan: You're hardly in a position to be offering loans, Mr. Zha. And I don't like taking advantage of others' misfortunes. So it's time to let go—

His gaze drifted down to the girl in Charlie's arms.

Evan: —don't drag her into this.

Just then, Zhou Yan, who was in the driver's seat, opened the car door and hurried over, whispering something in Evan's ear.

Charlie: You should take care of your own affairs first, Director Lu. Don't become a danger to her yourself.

Evan adjusted his glasses with his index finger, and suddenly, a red beam shot towards Charlie's throat like an arrow.

Charlie, surprised, dodged the unexpected attack.

Black wings unfolded behind him. He smiled at Evan, then, holding the girl tightly, rose into the air and quickly disappeared into the night.

Evan didn't turn around until they were completely out of sight. Zhou Yan bowed politely.

Zhou Yan: Sir, we've been gone for almost half an hour. Chairman Wang is—

Evan gave Zhou Yan a cold look and got into the car.

Just as Evan's car sped away, a dark figure emerged from the corner of the street. He glared at the shivering thug before him.

This was the man he had hired, but he was both incompetent and unreliable. No, that wasn't entirely accurate, Emperor Shou thought with a frown. It was the people around her that were the problem.

There had been several times when he was close to testing whether she possessed the same abilities as the person from the past, but he was always interrupted. At Wan Zhen, it had been that CEO, Evan, with his incessant opening and closing of the door, and here, it was this Charlie.

Emperor Shou bought a skewer of food drenched in sauce, the same kind those two had been eating earlier. He took a bite, intending to compare it with the delicacies of the past, but realized that during his three thousand years of darkness, he had forgotten what food was supposed to taste like.

Meanwhile, Zha Zhaopeng became the last person to learn of tonight's events. He put down his phone and rubbed his temples.

.

.

.

.

.

S2 Chapter 3-12

If you’d like to support my translations, feel free to leave me a tip here or buy me a coffee through the "Leave a Tip" button on my navigation bar!

[jijivishaaaaa]

The set of plates that sit on the sink

The narrative of the story is this;

I wait for you and you do not return.

The clock in the living room draws closer to 8 pm

You're usually home at this hour.

I have prepared dinner for two.

I did make your favourite dish today.

As always it gets lonelier the moment you leave for work, mornings go by in the hurry to send you away, making sure you never go on an empty stomach, I am not usually hungry this early (I was full when you bid me goodbye with a kiss) I want to go with you wherever you go, I have no hobbies that keep my mind off of you, I am tired and I want the time to stop for a while so that the night is long and I have you to myself, but that's just a selfish little wish, lately you have been occupied.

As for me I haven't washed the dishes, two plates sit on the sink.

I have done the other chores, I watched the new episode of the drama, I wrote in my diary, I went out to get groceries for dinner, I prayed, and the loop repeats but it's lonely, it really is.

I've spent half years of my life this way, it's always been me by myself, when it gets closer to dawn it gets lonelier, sometimes | am scared of this place so I leave all the lights of the rooms turned on when it hits closer to 6 o' clock in the evening, but I do not mention my fears to you because I cannot bear to trouble you with my inconvenience. It gets closer to dawn and it gets lonelier, so I have nothing to do except wait for you.

I know this is all for us, but I cannot help but wonder if you could keep your heart away from work for a moment and look at me next to the monitor screen that you stare (I've kept your tea on the table) (Please don't stay up working too late) (You must be tired) (It's okay) (It isn't always like this)

(Work is getting busier I know)

You're not home yet.

I am wondering if you're working overtime again, you did not pick up my call. So I wait.

And not disturb you too much.

It's way past 8.

The dinner is ready on the dinning table

I am not hungry enough to eat by myself the only meal we share together. So I wait.

Maybe I should wash the two plates on the sink till then, but I don't.

And I wait.

The waiting turns into sadness into hopelessness, this is it.

I wait for you and you arrive late. Right?

"Where are you?" | text.

"Come back home it's too late"

I pick my cellphone to call you again even if I am disturbing you now.

Although I did not call more than thrice but I am sick of worrying.

Someone receives the call this time but not you.

Words never come out of my mouth.

And my tongue does not move an inch.

Should I have washed our dishes so you would come, so you would return, should I have troubled you with ten more calls so that you'd be annoyed and answer a single.

I wish you were late instead, I wish you were too late that I grew sick of waiting, I wish you were here at all at the end.

I received the flowers you were

bringing back home from work. They were in terrific condition. My heart sinks into nothingness.

The smell of the white lilies creeps up to my nose. With a faint scent of you.

I notice the flowers crushed a bit and crampled up.

I read the little note I found crumpled under the flowers weight.

"Waited too long? Sorry I am late, I love you okay?"

My dearest, my wait

it ends.

[ickletheficklepickle]

Okay-

I love Buddie, Buddie Stan here. Fan. Love this ship.

But at the moment I am totally loving Kinkley (looks like that’s the name we have gone with). I kind of like that Buck is going through this journey but it’s not with Eddie.

Prepare for a tangent and some overshare.

1. Because right now Eddie has his own shit to work out. Which really isn’t fair to Buck, who just uncovered something new about himself. And Eddie needs to catch up. I would very much like Buck to be able to show that this is who he is. Not that Eddie would make Buck hide this part of himself. But he is a walking disaster, who I think would freak out and pull away, simply out of fear.

As someone who is a late bloomer and had a crisis at 26, then tamped that shit down, because this occurred to me after Easter Vigil Mass and I was like “NO, no way” that was mostly the fear. And this was around the same time I started to pull away from the church. That Catholic Guilt hits you.

Then like 10 years later, I had a revelation with my friend who helped me realize this part of myself, took some liquid courage to have this conversation. But even after i hard this revelation, it took another couple of months for me to be “oh! That makes so much more sense.” Then thanks to the power of TikTok, hearing it from someone else and have them explain it, the light bulb went off. And I was like, “yeah, yeah that makes so much more sense!”

But my friend that day i had that revelation was like “be proud of you! Fuck other people and what they think!” But for me that really a hard thing to unpack and uncover at first but then as we got talking, it all made sense. And even then when i discovered that part of myself it took time for me to actually say that shit out loud, because it was so new still. I still haven’t let all of the people in my life in on this part of me yet, but it’ll come.

I’m loving that Buck is on this journey and had this realization and he is happy. Like look at the difference with him with Tommy vs. past relationships. He seems so different.

I truly hope that they go this route with Eddie and have him go through this epiphany. I still think the chemistry between him and Marisol is so weird. At first I thought it was adorable, but he still often looks at Buck with heart eyes. But for now, I really want Eddie to figure himself out first before he and Buck become something.

2. Yes, Tommy did leave Buck standing there, but Tommy did it for Buck’s sake. He could see that he is still figuring things out and doesn’t want to pressure him. Which excuse, me, how cute is that. He didn’t want Buck to feel uncomfortable. Like, as someone who has a hard time standing up for herself, I wish someone would be like “if you don’t want to do this, it’s okay I won’t be mad!” And then truly not be mad. Cause that’s a whole another thing to uncover- different tangent.

And Buck likes Tommy, he is smitten with him and vice versa and they are cute together. It’s not the same feel and chemistry that Buck has with Eddie but I think this something that could be great for Buck. If they end up being Endgame, i wouldn’t be disappointed, because we still won in the aspect, of Buck being Bi as a canon event.

3. And Tommy is great, because is very much interested in Buck, whom he calls Evan. Which is a totally different thing to unpack here because notice how Buck never corrects him. Like why is that?! Do I hate it! No, I don’t. I need him to call Buck, Evan in front of everyone else and have them look affronted because they are like “Wait! When did you get EVAN privileges!”

In conclusion, Tommy is smart, he picked up on Buck and his comfort level. Was confused for a second when Buck was like “your attention?” Because i mean we all thought he was trying to get Eddie’s attention. And I’m sure Tommy thought that too, and then was like “oh, so it was me, I’m going for it then!”. I’m sure he will pick up on this energy/charge/thingy/look that Buck and Eddie have. That they probably don’t even realize. Also because Lou is a menace and doesn’t know how to handle interviews it looks like he isn’t sticking around for long (4 episodes coool, I’m down). Which makes me sad.

I think Tommy will notice that, and be like “Evan, I like you and it’s clear that you like me, but are you sure you aren’t in love with Eddie?”

Which would be a nice “oh” moment for Buck. Then Eddie will catch up, which is my hope.

Ryan has been a menace to when it comes to interviews. They are about to lock these men up in PR jail haha.

ALSO! I DO NOT WANT BUCK TO CHEAT ON TOMMY! OKAY! THAT IS NOT OKAY! AT ALL!

That’s it, that’s my soap box. My two cents.

[shadymissionary]

Hi, I feel like rambling here for a bit. I have a kinda life-changing conversation coming up tonight that I'm both extremely excited and extremely anxious about.

My partner and I have more or less been in a polyamorous relationship with our two close friends for...idk, 3 years? We've been getting very close with them over the years, and now that we all live in the same city and see each other frequently, it's almost always on my mind. And polyamory can be scary and confusing!! There is almost no framework for it that we learn about growing up, like with monogamous relationships, and so it feels a lot harder to navigate all of the questions and uncertainties.

Circumstances could not have lined up more perfectly to have this conversation though, so I'm feeling good about things. And it's just going to be an enormous relief to be open and honest with my friends about things that I've been holding in for years.

These two are so important to me, I love them so much they're like family, and I've felt so insecure about speaking up about certain things due to the fear of their reactions and potentially damaging our relationship. But I know they love me too and will be completely understanding.

I'm so happy to have an amazing partner that has listened to me vent about this stuff for years now, and his support feels like the one thing that has kept me sane. And I'm glad that I finally have the confidence and motivation to move through all of this uncertainty into a healthier relationship for all of us.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately, starting HRT, journaling, going back to therapy, reading mental health books, and listening to mental health podcasts. Last week I was listening to a lecture on Individuation, from Jungian psychology, and the concept of synchronicity was introduced to me. Basically, finding a connection between your own thoughts/desires and the things happening around you in the world. And to recognize when the universe is slapping you in the face telling you to do something.

I had an amazing therapy session yesterday and discussed the feelings I'm having, and how I finally feel ready to address them so I can move on from all this stress. But not knowing how best to find a time to talk about these things and get the conversation started has been the obstacle. I left the session knowing I had to reach out to the two I need to talk to and see if there's a time we could meet and chat. I even had a time limit on myself of getting this done before they host a Halloween party next weekend.

Lo and behold, just a few hours after yesterday's therapy session, I get a text from them asking us to come hang out tonight. Normally I would think up some reason not to, just wanting to chill at home on a Tuesday night, but it was so clear that the opportunity to talk was literally being handed to me. It makes me feel like the world is telling me to do this, and that it's gonna be okay.

I am going to cry so, so hard. But it's going to feel good to get it all off my chest. It's kinda scary, I've never cried in front of either of them that I can recall. So I know it's going to be a surprise that I've been holding all of these feelings in for years. More than anything, I just want the four of us to all be on the same page.

What's also kind of funny to me is like... in most respects, this should be a very easy step for me, but I've had to do so much to build my confidence in order to have this conversation. Earlier this month I came out as non-binary to my parents, and then soon after to my whole extended family. Like, that stuff should have been the hard part! And it was, don't get me wrong, but it didn't take nearly as much effort and crying as it has to prepare myself for tonight's conversation. The impossible task in my mind has been "open up about your feelings to your closest friends." And I'm certain now that I can do it, and that it will work out. ♥

This final dungeon music has been playing in my head all day as this conversation looms in the near future. Fitting that I just got to this point in Baten Kaitos last night hehe. I am gonna survive from that mf force!!

[pykanico]

Day 29 - Fear/Worries

Fic if you want to read every posted day : https://archiveofourown.org/works/51386731/chapters/129854215

Clearly, that was not one of Zoroark-- no, Emmet, that was not one of Emmet best ideas to go out in the middle of the night because of one Nightmare, That was irresponsible of him to do so, verrry dumb, especially after having screamed this loudly in his(?) Uncle House and accidentally wakes up his twin(?) when checking on him to be sure he was okay.

He was – nearly – an adult, he should not do things like that, the last time he ran off because of a nightmare was when he was still a small Zorua – or last month - ….. okay he must admit that he ran off outside more often that he would like when he have that kind of nightmare, but he just unable to stay put after them, he have to make sure that nothing is outside to get to Ingo to be able to sleep again.

And he feels guilty about having probably woken up everyone, He cannot face them right now when he feels so eaten up by worry.

This was dumb, He knew that, Ingo would never be angry at him for waking him up, but a part of him screamed that his twin should be, so it was easier to avoid confrontation like that for now, Well, he thought that it was going to be easier, because he rapidly found himself in front of Ingo who seemed to be out of breath when Emmet changed of direction - his twin knew a lot of shortcuts to be able to find him

“How...can you walk...so fast Emmet...this is aberrant!!”

That simple sentence was enough to make Emmet laugh, a nervous one, but still one that he honestly couldn't really stop with how absurd the situation was.

“You need more exercise Ingo, that’s why”

Not thinking about the nightmare, and talking with his brother like it had never happened was better than anything, but Emmet knew that it wasn’t going to last, it would never last after all, but it always made it easier to admit.

He simply walked and sat next to his brother on the ground, not really caring about when he would ultimately go back home to change his outfit because he got dirty.

“It’s the same nightmare if you want to know”

Ingo stays silent, staying near Emmet with the same worried look he has every time that something like that happened, He hated how much he worried his older twin when he should be able to deal with that alone, but that can’t be help it seem.

“I suspected it, It is always the same thing that makes you wake up in such a panic, Do you want to talk about it? Or we can just go back home and make ourselves some tea and talk about something else”.

He could have accepted the offer like every time he had this nightmare, but for once, he thought he wanted to tell Ingo about it, After all, this is nearly their birthday, that means that they would soon depart from home to start what they where preparing themselves to do since they finished their journey, And….Emmet just do not want his brother to be in the dark about his nightmare anymore.

“I want to talk, I cannot keep that to myself anymore”

That seemed to surprise Ingo, He was probably thinking that Emmet was going to avoid the discussion, His older twin was hiding very baldly the joy in his eyes to know that Emmet was finally open up.

“It starts with us, We are always together. Sometimes we just walk somewhere. Sometimes we argue or simply talk. Sometimes we are just at home relaxing. But it never lasts long, one moment everything is fine, the other something attacks you...it always ends the same, you are …. gone and I am alone, then I wake up”

He knew that Ingo was probably looking at him again, but Emmet didn’t find the force to look up, fixing the ground and fidgeting with his hand before talking again.

“I am scared to lose you…” If he had bitten his tongue to stop himself from saying ‘you too’ his twin didn’t need to know it.

The two don’t say anything for a few second.

“Emmet, can I hug you?” That was out of no where, and he wasn’t really sure about what to say before simply nodding, and before he could really understand, Ingo wrapped his arms around him, Not a word was shared between them...and it wasn’t really needed.

Emmet knew what Ingo wanted to say and so he simply put his head against his shoulder and let himself sob for once, because that was it, Emmet didn’t want to lose Ingo like he lost the real Emmet, and Ingo silently promised him that they would never be separated from the other.

And that was enough for him.