#okay back to what you’re all here for
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I feel like unicorns are the elves of centaur’s
#okay back to what you’re all here for#digital art#digital drawing#centaur#drawing#art#fantasy#centaurs#entauria#orignal character#oc#myoc#unicorn#unicorntaur
187 notes
·
View notes
Text
this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
My dynamic for Dan Feng & Yingxing
Hi hello, I said I would finally post this after long debating over if I show it here first or in my fic first, but fuck it. That’s a long ways away and I need to rant about them because they take up too much space in my brain.
So this post, isn’t me claiming that this is the canon dynamic between Dan Feng and Yingxing or that this is the only right one or whatever. This is purely my own view of what I think their dynamic would be based upon how I see their individual characters with the little bits and crumbs we’ve been given so far in HSR. I can’t go over every single aspect of them here because I just purely can’t think of every single thing so this is primarily going to be talking about the fundamental key parts of my interpretation of their dynamic! If that makes sense, I’ll hop right in
Be warned, this is pretty fucking long, I think so much about them it actually hurts me physically, like it’s painful. This is me just letting my autism run while talking about two of my favorites, so be cautious… sorry in advance if some areas turn into tangents, again I think about them so much its actually too much I think about them too much
AGAIN, THIS IS MY VIEW OF THEM!! Based on the characterization we have so far which isn’t a whole bunch, this is my interpretation of their relationship based on how I view the bits of characterization we have and what we know about them
—
Okay so one of the biggest and most fundamental parts that influences how I view their dynamic and the course of their relationship is looking at how exactly and why exactly I think they became close. Jingliu in her companion quest says:
I think this statement she makes “to see someone so arrogant get along with someone so proud” is actually the foundation of why they get close and their dynamic works rather than an obstacle that they somehow overcome. Specifically, I think that it was Yingxing’s arrogance (partially genuine and partially a habit born for the sake of his own survival) that allowed the two of them to get close. When we see lines from Yingxing via Dan Heng’s memories or via the Mirage Echo, though he uses Dan Feng’s proper title, he seems to talk rather casually to him. Even in a tense situation as secretly being in Scalegorge Waterscape for research would seem, Yingxing still is very lighthearted and in some languages, even laughs a little as he banters with Dan Feng. I have my own headcanons for why he has this casualness to him, but either way it’s a genuine part of him and a part of his canon characterization. I think that casualness, a product of his confidence/arrogance and maybe a little of his obliviousness as well, allows for them to get close. It evens the playing field, Yingxing sees Dan Feng as his equal, as a person, as Dan Feng rather than as his position of Imbibitor Lunae High Elder of the Vidyadhara. I could speculate all day whether or not other people had treated him similarly before and he shot it down (there’s a lot of the actual evolution of the dynamic that I will write I swear), but I think there was something very unique in that casualness that Dan Feng might not have experienced before, not from anyone else, not from the other members of the HCQ he had met before. Perhaps even Yingxing’s background would play a part in how shocked by his behavior DF is. Either way, it is that casualness, that equalness unlike he had ever experienced before, mixed with all of Yingxing’s other characteristics such as his cheeky nature that manages to quickly break down Dan Feng’s walls and make him feel compelled to grow closer to YX. Whether their first meeting was via Baiheng and Jingliu or a chance encounter before they eventually join the HCQ, Dan Feng is coming away from that shell shocked by the sheer audacity of this short life species, feelings he first interprets as offense before he realizes he’s actually amused/interest in him, and Yingxing walking away like “Huh? That was the High Elder I guess. Seems nice, a bit stiff tho!” There is no worship of Dan Feng from his side for any reason, not for his skills, not for his position, not even as an unattainable ethereal beauty situation. He views him as just another person, an equal, and no part of him views DF in this cocky “he’s not unattainable bc I already have him” kind of way because…
—
Another fundamental in my personal interpretation of their relationship is that Yingxing doesn’t truly seek anything from Dan Feng nor does he ever necessarily try to pursue him. And all of this isn’t in an insecure “We’d never work” kind of product of overthinking way of choosing not to pursue him. Rather, it’s primarily because Yingxing doesn’t feel the need to. He doesn’t need his romantic feelinhs to be satisfied or fulfilled especially with the difference in their lifespans. As long as he can be by his side and stay close with him until his time comes to an end, Yingxing is truly perfectly content with that. A lot of this additionally stems from a certain place. That being that after he gets to know Dan Feng better and learns of the sheer pressure he endures due to his position, the choices he feels he’s forced into, the level of restriction, even with all of the influence Dan Feng still has, he doesn’t want to be an added source of pressuring or discomfort. To sum it up, Yingxing leaves the ball in Dan Feng’s court so he can act as he sees fit when he feels like it. There’s an added layer to this also of Yingxing not wanting to ruin the current state of their dynamic (a topic I’ll get into more). In the end, this is just yet another part of Yingxing that utterly pulls Dan Feng in. He is very used to being distrusting of others and refusing to get close to many people, primarily out of wariness of the potential ulterior motives people may have when befriending him. Contrastly, Yingxing doesn’t expect or even want anything from Dan Feng even the closer they get. Dan Feng can see that, and it makes him trust in Yingxing. Makes him trust to the point that he feels comfortable enough to make attempts pursuing Yingxing himself rather than meeting at a stalemate, refusing to go after a man Dan Feng knows won’t chase him as to not risk pressuring him and bc he’s fine with how things are. That isn’t to say though that Yingxing won’t respond to any attempts Dan Feng makes first though, because he absolutely will. Well… that is if he can recognize any attempts from Dan Feng at all because he can be rather oblivious in the face of people making advances at him-
An added part to all of this is that Yingxing with the way he acts, both in general and in this specific regard, ends up being part of what helps influence and encourage Dan Feng to do more to take what he wants, actually follow his desires in certain aspects rather than keeping up his stiff outer image and denying himself of everything for that sake of his position. The HCQ in general all have influence helping Dan Feng open up more like this, seizing things instead of either waiting for things on a platter or never having them. However, Yingxing's bold nature is definitely the strongest factor as he ends up helping Dan Feng learn to identify what he wants for himself. Whether that want is something as complex as moving forward in a relationship when not only has Dan Feng had very little experience with close connections to others, but also is so accustomed to the stillness of long life, or something as simple as taking breaks and time to himself to live and breathe and experience life moving around him. It's through Yingxing (and the rest of the HCQ) that Dan Feng learns to be more selfish. It's through all of their care and kindness and love that Dan Feng learns that he too is not merely a pillar to stand tall for his people. That he is a person with needs and wants, and it is perfectly fine to be selfish and prioritize yourself at times.
—
So that previous section got into a little bit of Dan Feng’s trust in Yingxing, but what about Yingxing’s side of things? What about his trust in Dan Feng? I dunno what it is about him, but I feel like Dan Feng is the kind of person who can hear some of the deepest confessions and see the barest parts of the heart of someone he cares about and not treat them any differently like as if they are fragile y’know. Like Dan Feng is the person who Yingxing, out of all the HCQ, can truly confide in because he knows he won’t be seen different or treated in a drastically different way. Ultimately, Jingliu isn’t someone he feels he can go to for super emotional things which she likely herself knows she wouldn’t be able to help much with, Jing Yuan and him have a very light hearted joking dynamic that makes changing the tone and breaking the mood for a deep heart to heart much harder so he doesn’t often do it, and Baiheng… well, deep down Baiheng still sees Yingxing as that disheartened little boy, who had lost everything and was being told that there’s nothing he could do about it given his lifespan, that he couldn’t avenge what he had lost. If Yingxing were to tell her how he honestly truly feels about everything in his life, the traumas he still hadn’t overcome or the thoughts that plague him every day, he knows she would end up fretting over him, mother hen style. Being overly cautious as if his mind is made of glass, and as much as he loves her, he hates the idea of her changing how she treats him because of just how much she cares for him in turn.
(It’s a trait I see Baiheng having as to it being an obstacle in her other relationships like with Yingxing but works well in her relationship with Jingliu, caring for her and treating her softly, not underestimating her, in a way that others are too afraid to treat the unwavering, ice cold Sword champion! Matching DF and YX’s whole situation with his arrogance and casualness)
In the end, Yingxing feels like Dan Feng is the only one he can truly trust with the deepest corners of his heart and mind without worrying of Dan Feng either judging him or suddenly treating him like a fragile piece of porcelain. Even if he were to take note of something Yingxing told him and do something in response perhaps to ease his worries or heart ache, it would never be something out of pity or thinking Yingxing to be unable to take care of himself. Because ultimately, that’s where this all stems for Yingxing. He has lived so much of his life underestimated, whether having his skills and abilities questioned for being a short life species or sometimes intentionally sometimes unintentionally having his ability to take care of himself questioned like he needs a caretaker. Something that again is partially due to again to being a short life species. What Yingxing likes about Dan Feng is from the moment he met him, he doesn’t feel as if he is being questioned or underestimated. Dan Feng makes him feel as if he is truly seen as an equal, even with their distinct difference in power. It’s a treatment from Dan Feng that serves as a response to Yingxing’s own treatment of Dan Feng, his casualness to the other man making it clear he sees him as an equal as well.
And that? Well that is perhaps the most important part of the dynamic. In canon, they both have struggles with how they are seen and treated by others based on preconceived notions about their status. Dan Feng being in a way dehumanized as he is put up on a pedestal for being an incarnation of Imbibitor Lunae, for being the High Elder of the Vidyadhara, a position that he wants to escape because of the sheer loss of identity just a role brings. Yingxing being underestimated from the moment he stepped onto the Xianzhou because he wasn’t a long life species to the point that the other celestial masters on the Zhuming borderline bullied him into doubting himself, thinking a lot about his own death, and as a young boy (not even a teen yet), literally saying “Maybe I’ll never live to see the day my parents are avenged.” In my view of them, for them to truly be as close as they are established in canon, I think that from the start of their dynamic they make it very clear they see the other as a genuine and true equal in a way that other people haven’t or perhaps, can’t fully.
—
I said this before my in Aurizzm Yingxing post, but yeah, I don’t think Dan Feng or Yingxing would have come into a romantic relationship with each other with any experience at all. I know Dan Feng with no experience is a very accepted idea, and I agree with it very much given his isolated position and his proud attitude and that 100% plays into my view of their dynamic. I also however, firmly believe Yingxing came in without any romantic relationship experience too. The difference here ends up being in how inexperienced each of them are. Yingxing has had a lot more friendship experience, and he’s experienced crushes before which is how he can identify his own romantic feelings better than Dan Feng. But he’s never actually been in any relationship. He’s never had the time, he’s got his own goals in mind while being painfully aware he’s on a time limit, and let’s be real like I said before, This Man is married to his Forge. Meanwhile, Dan Feng truly hasn’t had any friendships prior to the HCQ. Knowing him and her too, I firmly believe Dan Feng and Jingliu’s relationship for example, was for maybe a few decades, maybe a literal century, just them sparring without words from time to time. So Dan Feng not only going in with no friendship experience, but I think that man also is having to recognize some new emotions and feelings he’s never experienced nor can put words to. So Dan Feng’s disaster comes in being painful aware of the presence and intensity of his own feelings… he just doesn’t have the words nor experience to recognize exactly what those feelings are. It’s an absolute disaster on all fronts, somebody pray for the HCQ who unfortunately have to experience all of this.
There’s an added layer I want to go more into looking back at the first part of why their relationship works and the thing I said about the Baiheng trait. As we saw with Jingliu admitting to her feelings towards his attitude as a child, she wasn’t… she wasn’t really a fan so to say of his arrogance. And given y’know, what we see of the people of the Luofu, I don’t doubt many people have similar reactions. Part of Yingxing’s limited experience comes not only from his own decision to not pursue anything, I think part of it comes from being for whatever reason feeling distaste for him. Whether it’s their own prejudices against Outworlders, or his bold attitude and lack of formality that makes any interest they had in him end up flying away. Which ugh, makes it even more special that this attitude of his, born out of necessity for his own survival on the Xianzhou and for his ability to move forward in his craftsmanship after all he went through, which has pushed so many people away, ends up being the exact thing that allows him to get close to Dan Feng. IT’s UGGGHHH Sorry, but I just need to scream. I NEED TO SCREAM ABOUT THEM OKAY?? THEY TAKE UP TOO MUCH SPACE IN MY BRAIN, I CAN’T HAVE A SINGLE MOMENT OF REST BECAUSE OF THEM
—
Again, this is my view of them and their dynamic based upon what we have been given in game so far, the crumbs of characterization we have. God I hope we get more. This isn’t me saying this view of them is canon or anything, this is just how I view them. This is the dynamic and thoughts that have grown like mold in my head from thinking about them WAY too much.
I have so much more I could talk about, certain specific things or things that don’t even immediately come to mind right now. If you want to ask more about how I view them or have some topic or aspect of them in mind, please hit me up. Either send something to my inbox or bust your way into my dms to talk about them. I love them so much. They mean the world to me.
And honestly? I could just make two whole separate posts also just about how I specifically characterize each of them, but I think I need to let my brain rest a bit.
And don’t think about this dynamic specifically in reference to how it could reflect on their current selves because you might just end up hurting yourself like I have. GOD I HATE THEM
#okay so I have so much more to say about df/yx but i wanted to take the tags to talk about rh#i want to make a separate post about them as well mostly bc of smth ill rant about here#the arguing between rh antis vs rh shippers has devolved into such a lack of nuance from both sides that its HURTING MY BRAIN#rh anti: ‘Blade HATES Dan Heng’#yeah he does#but also its not a shallow kind of hatred#it’s a multilayer complicated hatred built on past feelings of regret betrayal and fundamentally a past love from yingxing#that is what the hatred we see (mostly amplified outwardly by the mara) is all built upon that is PART of the appeal its tragedy its doomed#it’s a loss of what was and how that influences its own unique dynamic different from df & yx#rh anti: ‘DH hates Blade’ also true but again#its become a complicated kind of dislike mixed with the shock and realization of who Blade USED to be and past memories coming back#additionally there’s a little something called character and relationship development where dynamics and characters change over the story…#rh shipper: ‘You’re saying Blade hates DH lol are we reading the same game’ YES WE ARE#YES HE DOES#He does hate him yes its a complicated kind of hatred as I already said but that doesnt erase that he does hold resentment towards Dan Heng#did none of you?? read the relic lore??#if you believe that dan heng is destined to die with blade then you believe hes apart of that ‘final funeral to the unnamed’s life and#to everything he ever hated.’ …like guys why are we saying he doesnt hate him at all#it outright flies in the face of blade’s character to say he doesn’t hate him like HELLO? it’s just a complicated hatred#not nonexistent and like seriously the hatred again adds to the appeal of their dynamic#their tragedy lies in how their past forms were once close and through a shared sin plus some stuff to inspire Blade’s vengeance that#that relationship has been completely destroyed beyond repair under the weight of their sin#love replaced with an eternal hatred and remorse a betrayal grave enough to spark such violent revenge#is what makes rh appealing! makes their dynamic interesting and that dynamic developing further as threads of their past still linger but#alas arent the same as before fundamentally changed and unique to them again MAKES IT INTERESTING AND TRAGIC!! esp knowing blade will die#yingxing#dan feng#xingyue#renheng#honkai star rail
44 notes
·
View notes
Text
alright time for my two cents about it
imo not officially addressing some of the big world-shaping decisions from the prior games is the right move? even a non-central decision like sacrificing the chargers or not recruiting a companion splinters the game - if every world state gets to be the canon world state, where all of the decisions are referenced and included and neatly lined up, how do you continue to build a cohesive narrative? the more decisions you import, the more the state of the world continues to branch. at a certain point I think you have to make a choice - either embrace the idea that no two players will ever create the same thedas so there can never be one central world state for the series as a whole, or leave the bulk of those choices offscreen. if it isn’t being addressed onscreen, to either canonize a certain choice or to redact it, you’re walking a fine line where you can have both player freedom and a cohesive story.
I personally just think that at a certain point, addressing every decision a player has ever made is going to make the world smaller, not bigger. how far can all those branching narratives splinter before they run out of story to safely tell without doubling back on prior player choices? why would they even want to take that chance?
#da posting#dragon age#like by all means contain the choices into their individual games and have them impact that#but if you lock some of these things into the canon there’s no going back on them#like if you say ‘okay so here’s what happened to the well of sorrows’#then you’re creating at LEAST separate world states/timelines that you can never weave back together#either it’s true or it isn’t but either way there’s no going back#I think that not addressing things like that keeps the overall narrative tighter and prevents the world state from bleeding out everywhere#but that’s just like my opinion man#and makes it so that you CAN have a canon world state that exists in your playthrough that isn’t contradicted by actual game canon#without narrowing down the possibilities in future games#idk man! that’s just how it feels to me!!#feel your own feelings and take that article how you need to#but I don’t think that ‘they aren’t gonna make certain choices canon or not’ is like…..#the big gotcha on the game being ~terrible~ that people think it is
7 notes
·
View notes
Text
finished hera & started lady macbeth and we have got to start blaming women for shit again for real
#this is a joke. but.#if i have to read one more retelling~ that’s just#‘but what if the woman was ASSAULTED ALL THE TIME and had NO AGENCY so everything bad she did was JUSTIFIED or a LIE???’ please stop#when you’re actively taking agency away from women written and portrayed in deeply patriachal cultures you’re not giving them a voice#youre taking the voice they had away.#women worked around and within the patriarchy while having feelings and ambitions and wants and dreams and flaws and virtues forever.#without the necessity of ‘but what if the MAN in her life was just SUPER EVIL and NOT NUANCED and she was just ASSAULTED’#what if no women wanted anything but SAFETY ever what if they were never power hungry or jealous or predatory ever themselves?#yes circe did this too if i have to see one more person say ‘oh except circe’ i will scream.#circe is literally like. the worst offender here.#pivoting back though sorry but it also all feels very bioessentialist PRESUMABLY without meaning to but ‘oh men are just inherently evil#with no nuance. nuance is for women and by nuance we mean was just super oppressed and wronged’ is uh haha actually terfy as fuck#good ol lady macunsexmeherebeth who definitely didn’t plot the whole thing to begin with for sure needs to be Given a Voice#i haven’t finished this one yet btw. i like this author’s work on the whole i just think this one is a swing and a miss because like.#this is not a woman who didn’t do anything and who didn’t have a voice.#if you want to show us her perspective in terms of her psychology and her inner workings and how she got to this place excellent wonderful#but not when the answer is just ‘but actually nothing was her fault ever!!!!!!’ like. lol let her want that crown for reasons that aren’t#my husband is abusive.#like oh my god.#same with hera you’re gonna go with the ONE tradition where she didn’t want to marry zeus#and all her rage is just about Injustice and the Patrairchy and not actual envy. okay.#she & zeus were an og most toxic couple of all time but they WERE in virtually all tradition a couple still who had times of reconciliation#and attachment.#like you know. actual toxic and abusive relationships do.#also it completely erased rhea who was actually the character whose story this more closely resembled#(warrior goddess with flop husband she finally schemes against)#instead she just. uh. went away oh no hera’s so afraid of being weak like mama she must break the cycle.#like okay this is the story you want to tell stop superimposing it on mythical entities from thousands of years ago then.#justice4rhea.#okay sorry. end rant.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#after 1737272 years i go on the chris evans tag to see if i can find what they talked about in that Islamophobia and antisemitism asp chat#obviously i find nothing on that#but people seem to care more about being investigators and saying he looks bad and therefore is unhappy which of course means#that his marriage isn’t real (delusions)#LIKEEE do yall hear yourselves#here’s the thing… PEOPLE AGE.#he looks his age#he’s also skinny now and it shows on his face#and he wears his glasses now#so okay he doesn’t look like the beefy hunk he used to be but why does that mean he’s unhappy??!?#yall are weird fr#personally I think he’s relaxed enough in his marriage to just kinda let go#in the sense that he hasn’t got any movies to film he hasn’t got any premieres#it’s not like he’s trying to attract any women since he already has one now#yall think you’re detectives out here all ‘oh he looks unhappy wah wah wah’#it’s so weird that THAT is what yall focus on#and you always bring it back to his wife and how it’s all her fault and his marriage is fake and blah blah blah pr this and pr that#like it’s fr WEIRD#yall are embarrassing yourselves this is JOBLESS BEHAVIOURRRR#it’s giving the same energy as the woman who wrote the letter#TELL ME WHAT IS SO UNBELIEVABLE ABOUT WHITE MODDLE AGE MAN MARRYING YOUNG 20 SOMETHING GIRL#why do you put him on some high pedestal that ‘oh nooo our chris would NEVER do this!1! he’d never marry someone like that!1!1!1’#well guess what he did and it’s entirely believable#and it’s weird of yall to bring his looks into it and launch your weird investigations#he looks fine#why should he have to maintain the beefy Captain America look forever just to prove to yall he’s happy?!?!#SO FUCKING WEIRD YALL ARE WEIRD
21 notes
·
View notes
Text
I am the happiest person on earth right now because I just went out with a friend to grab a late lunch and it was just supposed to be a quick casual catch up thing that turned into a 4 hour conversation in the car about things that happened to us almost a decade ago 🥲
#roadie rambles#no one’s obligated to read this but y’all…you better sit down if you’re interested bc I’m feeling SO chatty tonight#for context: this is my childhood friend I grew up with then we went to different high schools and colleges#but over the years we’ve kept in touch and we see each other maybe 2-3 times a year#we have really similar personalities#okay so basically. 👏 today we learned that we had the /exact same/ traumatic experience in high school /almost around the same time/#and not only that!!! the people who caused it were the same people who were in our childhood 4 person friend group!! (we split 2-2 in hs)#now before you get worried: I’m not about to traumadump and we’re both in better wiser healthier places now#but imagine that!!!#the same exact experiences down to a T. and neither of us shared it until now#we weren’t ready to at the time and we’re not exactly the most open with our feelings#plus. different schools different lives not seeing each other every day yada yada#but with the clarity of hindsight and both of us being adults now we were ready!!! 👏👏#we had a convo in the car that naturally led into us letting it all out#and shit man. it’s not the trauma olympics here but. I thought the aftermath of what I went through was bad#venting it out was awesome for both of us and we had a lot of good laughs over it#but my friend…she went through some awful stuff#really hard stuff.#it broke my heart honestly bc she’s an amazing person and she didn’t deserve any of it#I made sure she knew that. she made sure /I/ knew that.#we were both hurt and betrayed in the same ways. but we also learned from it in the same ways. and now it’s something we share#we both wished that we could’ve had this convo years earlier#but I know that it wouldn’t have happened in the same way bc we weren’t at our current levels of maturity back then#I believe we were meant to have this convo /today/ and now we’re both better for it#that’s on growing up and having someone to heal with babey!!!! 🥹💖💖💖#if you made it this far thank you!! I appreciate it#I’m just…gonna lay here with my full heart and think about this forever now
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Feeling another random burst of self confidence (probably due to lack of sleep honestly) so have a heavily made-up eye reveal I guess? 😂
#this is from my bridal makeup trial back in December#and tbh even though it’s not exactly what I wanted I still really liked it and the overall look looked good in my engagement photos#we’re gonna change a few things for the day of but yeah#no one asked but I actually like my eye shape for the most part#I feel like they can look kind of sleepy or a bit too small sometimes in photos where I’m not wearing as much makeup#or any at all#but I still like them especially since they look like that less often now#maybe it’s bc I’ve kind of grown out of that and I haven’t really noticed until recently#or maybe it’s just bc I’m getting a little better at taking photos lol#either way if you’re a teenage girl or a woman in her early 20s and you have these random but prominent insecurities like me#I just wanna say that you’ll get past them/grow into them#maybe it’s just those awkward teen years or maybe you’re not completely comfortable with how you look or taking pictures yet#but it’s okay you’re beautiful in your own way#and it’s okay to have insecurities too#everyone has them whether you realize it or not#I def still have other things I’m insecure about#but it’s important to talk and think nicely about yourself even when it’s hard#so that’s what I’m doing here#I’m gonna try to keep practicing that from now on#hopefully I can keep it up bc I really do think too negatively about myself sometimes
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
while we’re in the spirit of celebrating basic autonomy over things like hair I know most of us are too young to have participated in anything at the time but as a society we really need to apologise to britney for a certain event circa 2007
#okay. so. gender standards are awful and hopefully they’re not what they were then but they do exist. and people are being chill rn#relatively. but please if a man had to remind fans that hair grows back??? then imagine if it were a cis gender conforming woman#I know there were other things going on at the time but none of the accusations against her were ever fair#people like a predictable; controllable image especially in feminine celebs and I want to say we do not. ever. have a right to that#which only ties further into our (my) discussion of gender and the whole babygirl concept and patriarchy and transphobia behind it#anyway I say it all the time but. never underestimate the power of existing unapologetically and challenging this entitlement#in any way. and the great thing is that it’s the same cause whether you’re halsey in 2017 or luke in 2024. yes it primarily a womens rights#issue but you don’t have to be a woman to contribute something meaningful. even a man can challenge the patriarchy (shock horror!)#anyway I’ve been thinking about what I have to say about recent events and this is it. the makeup and boy ep and now this he knows#exactly what he’s doing and I’m pretty damn proud#but we have to do our part and keep talking about how we need to be okay if a female singer did this. etc. which starts here I guess#luke hemmings#5 seconds of summer#5sos#britney spears#halsey
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
nothing like a full-blown pathetic meltdown on the floor to make it a real holiday <3
#N posts stuff#it’s not even cathartic man; i fully can’t cry right and i don’t even like feel anything calming down#it’s just switch flipped Ok. barely even remember the experience of crying it’s Sucks#ANYWAY there are guests in the house and i’m mad about it#my brother’s girlfriend is here and that’s like Okay i would actually like to get to know her bc like#they have actual marriage discussions so i’m like. well at this point this is the brother im closest to so i want to make an effort#but that’s already Hard even if i do want to try. but also my mom has friends in town and they’re like#people my mom has known a while and maybe have known me? but i fully don’t remember them at all so that’s a dynamic i Hate#bc they talk to me like they know me but they’re strangers it’s Off putting i don’t like it so im avoiding Them#but Also my sister is crazy sick and just decided to come home anyway and when i said that idea Sucks#i basically got called a selfish neurotic bitch for it and then they made up a ‘fine she’ll stay in a quarantine room#ok. why come if she’s just gonna sit in a back room by herself but no one asked me so Whatever. not even an hour after she shows up#she walks directly into my room and lingers for several minutes so i can read an essay over that she could have just EMAILED#I knew she wasn’t going to follow protocol but Directly in my room INFURIATING so that’s what set me off#i can hear her in the living room right now so they literally made that up to ‘appease’ me and immediately dropped it#bc Literally Fuck Me. im still sore over the shit she made fun of me for last week so i’m not feeling charitable at all#but between her flagrant contagion beacon and the strangers out there i cannot bring myself to leave Physically at all#to go like. you know. eat. and i Know she’s 100% eating or at least breathing in close proximity to the food for the holiday which is just#Out. for people to pick at so i hate that in general but especially hate it now. i also don’t want to have to linger out there to make my#Own food bc i’d have to make it wholesale. im just. GD it’s pathetic but i’m so mad about it#i’m so fucking sick of being the oldest kid bc from the moment a younger sibling exists your boundaries Dissolve in favor of#‘well you’re the oldest so you have to be charitable bc they’re Younger’ im SO petty about it#like hey just once could i maybe have a boundary? NOPE. i’m gonna lose it. this isn’t even all of them.#idk what to do man im so mad about it. im SO mad about it
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
the amount of time i spend thinking about Even carrying the metacrisis doctor’s fob watch is really quite disproportionate to how much ive fleshed out that part of the story in my head
#i still find myself not caring if the metacrisis doctor couldnt use one. he can because i said so and because donna shouldn’t get amnesiaed#alone.#but anyway. even. its just something about like.#here is your best friend. the man who showed you how big the universe could be. its still him human or not. its still the doctor.#can’t call him that. have to watch your tongue always because no matter how familiar their faces are. these two people do not remember#everything you did together and never can. at least they still love each other. nothing could change that. that’s what matters. you steer#them into each other’s lives so carefully and watch to see if they’re going to get hurt. but they don’t. it’s okay.#and still. and still. you carry your best friend’s life. everything that he is. you can hold it in the palm of your hand. he gave it to you.#he entrusted it to you. well. that’s not entirely true. technically you volunteered. but how else could you say thank you.#you made your world so so small again. for him. larger than you would’ve been used to once but you know what galaxies feel like to fly#across. and now you’re stuck in time and space. this is for love too. this is for the life you hold in your hands.#or wear around your neck on a chain. and because you chose this. you can never see him again. or you see him every day and he doesn’t#recognize all of you.#that would make anyone desperate wouldn’t it? make you do something stupid. make you turn to someone you shouldn’t.#even makes bad choices when they are cornered. i think.#dw oc#the important bit is of course that the only way they can ever get rid of it is by their own choice. which they never would choose to do.#(because tentoo won’t take it back. he’s his own person. impressions of the doctor influencing him. but the part of him that is donna doing#so as well. a whole new person. who does not want her memories back and to be unmade.)#but the point is that the moment even takes it. they will never let it go. they will lose it. on painful occasion. but it always finds its#way back. depending on the context this presence and responsibility is either comforting in its constancy.#or. in a less kind world. a horrifying reminder of how far they have fallen from who they tried to be for him.
9 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey just a reminder that sometimes you have to accept that you’re going to have to have feelings without a filter, and you’re going to have to tell people that you care about them, and you’re going to have to start saying i love you. if you want affection and love and adoration you cannot close yourself off forever and ever. keep up your walls as you must to protect yourself but not forever. and if you feel like you can’t ever let them down then i’m sorry. i hope you find someone that makes you feel safe enough to start saying and feeling these things.
#lolaa.txt#little thing about emotions.#i’m not affectionate. not really.#im a deflector and i laugh off affection and love a lot#and all it has ever done for me is push away people who want to help me so so badly.#and it’s a slow change. slowwwww. the tiniest steps .#and i go back so often.#today my boyfriend said he missed me and that i was pretty when i woke up and i told him i was going to never speak to him again#because i cannot accept these things and it so so hard to say that i appreciate it#but i know i know he needs to hear it and he needs to feel appreciated yknow?#and im working on it im trying so hard#especially when you have been fucked over for saying your feelings in the past. it’s hard. it’s so hard. and i’m sorry#just. tell your friends you love them. tell people when you’re excited or happy.#smile when you get to do fun things. laugh at jokes! scream and yell and cry and hit things and grin and be out there#numbness will not fix what problems you have. it won’t.#it’s comfortable but you can’t have love without discomfort sometimes#sorry about all this i’m just . i’m having a bad day and it’s really hard today to be open to everyone#so this is my try#i am upset. and i miss my friends. and i love my mom and i am also mad at her because i am frustrated with the world right now.#and i am tired but because its tiring to force myself to exist and feel#i need to relearn how to be a child about it#and that’s okay#that’s all ; sorry for the long tags. thank you for being here
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
would yall hate me if i made a racially motivated poll
#i’m just curious ok#it has been brought to my attention recently that a lot of tumblr is white#but i always was like okay. but me and MY mutuals aren’t#which might sound narrow minded but i didn’t grow up around a lot of white people/half white people#and if i did they were not culturally white. like yes they had a white parent but that white parent was like yk what. imma just sit back#so i kinda just assumed that was all of us#but maybe not…? fully white ppl are u among us??#also i UNDERSTAND that depending on ur ethnicity some peoples ancestors were considered white in some decades#and then in other decades the u.s. was like yk what. you’re NOT white get the fuck out of here#so i understand the nuances of this. but also im nosy as fuck#yk what these tags are gettin long so like. tell tale sign i might delete but who knows
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
i just want to fucking leave man
#my dad thinks is appropriate to throw my entire bed out into the hallway because i annoyed him#by not paying full attention to him when i was in the middle of playing a battlefield match while he was going on another rant#started talking about how we’re being “forced to renounce our faith” because of immigrants like how about you shut the fuck up#but if i try to argue back all of a sudden i’m rude and have an attitude like oh okay#he literally only cares about my brother#was ranting and raving at me for not staying by his side as a medic telling me to get my act together#it’s a fucking game??? hello???#this is like the second week in a row he’s done this to me#last week i can’t even remember what i did but he ended up with my xbox nearly broke because he shoved it and my bed into a wardrobe#my bed isn’t even a fucking bed i sleep on the floor on a duvet and god forbid i ask for another pillow#then when i was trying to sort my bed out he started shouting at me for being too loud like you’re the one raising your voice here?#then told me he was sick of my shit actually i’m sick of yours#woe beside me if i even dare ask him to turn his fucking videos down when i’m trying to sleep#i keep telling my mum i don’t want to visit him and i end up still getting forced to go#zad talks
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I cannot fathom the level of self importance some people must have to behave this way
#it’s more so selfishness lmao#idk I’m getting unnecessarily worked up about this but 6 months ago I kinda vanished off of everywhere and then I noticed she deleted some#messages#girl I would’ve responded later calm down gosh the messages aren’t going anywhere nor are they disappearing#dora daily#I think of all people who should be mad you’re the last one because tell me why you were so viscerally rude to me since the beginning and#played a massive part of the roaa situation by being complacent when oh ! I thought you’d side with your alleged best friend ME#girl you have no right to complain at all not to mention you take FOREVER when you have no excuse to reply back but when I’m struggling I#apparently have zero excuse ☠️ girl bye#not to mention the fact that when I was so frustrated with myself having these bad headaches and being so incapable of doing anything when#exams were so close all you had to say was what can I do#well bitch what could I have done when you were at hospital#I guarantee you I was the only one texting you 24:7 asking how you were#reassuring you that it’s okay to feel upset about being in the fucking hospital and you don’t need to have such toxic positivity all the tim#oh but when the other girl had freaking back pain from her period or something apparently that’s more of a concern#girl bye#not me who has chronic headaches and cannot even study and nothing sticking cause it’s that bad#oh but go ahead compare it to your chronic illnesss like yes it’s horrible and yes it impacts you a lot#but I don’t think it impacts your brain and memorisation capacity#not to mention how fucking jealous she is of everything like I can say oh god I was so stressed and girl she has not felt stress in her life#compared to what I go through yet she is jealous of the fact I can stress ? tf?#and when I say I almost passed out cause of exhaustion she doesn’t give a shit when I was being so serious#in truth I’ve come to realise nobody does seem to care at all lmao they all think I’m lying#why would I lie about that be so fucking fr rn#anyways this is why I simply don’t want to talk about my physical condition with anyone anymore because they’ll think I’m a liar anyways 🤷♀#not to mention the fact if you even knew me a little you’d understand that it’s so impossibly hard for me to feel comfortable enough to#complain to talk about me feeling sick or sad or whatever I only do it here cause no one follows me and no one will rlly see it at all#but even here I feel like my throat closes up and I can barely breathe when I do complain#so pls …#this one sided friendship thing is crazy cause girl how do I shake you off?
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Back in university I tried to get into makeup because I wanted to feel pretty and feel as if I were trying, ya know!!! Boost the self esteem!! But mostly because everyone around me wore makeup and I felt like I wasn’t progressing enough?? I has a HUGE aversion to makeup being put on my face by family and I didn’t like the way it felt. But I wanted to try cause I was getting older and again ✨insecure.✨ And my cousin tried to help me buy stuff but she only took me into the store and told me to pick stuff out. The issue she didn’t seem to understand was I didn’t know how to start.
I’d seen a few videos of beauty gurus doing very beautiful makeup but the first step always confused me and I didn’t WANT a super fun unique style I just wanted to be done up a little so I wouldn’t be lost when I had to do it in the future. I left with maybe a lipstick or two and gold eyeshadow. 🥹 she seemed so irritated with me and I felt so bad.
So the first time I wore the eyeshadow I didn’t know how to apply it and I just smeared it on my eyelids because who was going to show me. 😭 and i felt like I was being stared at the whole day. Eventually I wiped it off out of embarrassment and also because I didn’t want my mom to know. I felt like she’d tease me for NOW wanting to try makeup when I claimed to hate it so much before. I snuck it into a drawer in the bathroom. It was eventually found by my sister who asked where it came from but when she never received an answer she kept it 🥹
And similarly, the two lipsticks I bought. I carried them in my backpack because I didn’t know where else to keep them. I fell in love with this dull pinkishy shade. I always applied it at school and took it off before going home. Sometimes I’d reapply it in the bathrooms in the science (math) building and honestly!!! I felt beautiful!!!!! Except I still didn’t like how it felt too much when I applied it bleh, and I felt like people were judging me for not applying it well. 🥺 eventually those too got tucked into the drawer and were found by my sister who was still confused by this lost makeup and decided to keep them.
#melifails#i saw a post about lipstick shades between red and pink and it sent me back to the science bathroom#when I’d gleefully pull out that pink tube look in the mirror and put it on#i miss that feeling#the quick little boost of confidence of feeling like I was finally like other girls#i still feel weird about it like I’m not aging fast enough#and so i have to compensate somehow ?? right?#but I’m not doing a very good job to be honest I don’t dress special and when I do I think I look very comical like what you’d expect a#child to wear or an older person just trying to be comfortable#so I’m nice and I’m sweet and I speak with a high pitched voice hoping that’s enough but I think it just makes it worse somehow#It’s me but is me enough?#i find it very funny that I’m shedding tears over lipstick#anyways that’s it that’s all I’m sorry if you read all that#it actually started off fondly and quickly went down into my insecurities but hey!!!#we embrace our insecurities here were honest about them 👏🏽👏🏽 because whats the point in hiding how we feel#besides this is my diary and you have the key to read it#okay lov e u you’re beautiful/handsome/spiffy
2 notes
·
View notes