#okay anyways. i am Coping. it's gonna be fine.

[oatm3al-c00kies]

ngl now that shadow and bone has been cancelled i actually appreciate season 2 a lot more than i did when i first watched it.. like now that i know its not messing up future storylines (like inej being a pirate already and not having her own boat, the "stay in ketterdam" lines happening, kaz beating up the dregs already, generally everything being super sped through) i can appreciate that at least we got a handful of the fun and iconic stuff!! like we got to hear those actors say those lines!!! and we got to see so many great scenes!

however. i will forever be mourning the fact that we got NOOOO matthias & crows content and never will (genuinely i'm in so much pain abt this), the fact that they killed off david already, and the fact that we'll never see zoyalai come to life on the screen :((( ALSO THE FACT THAT WE LEFT OFF WITH MALINA NOT TOGETHER that was actually so cruel of them What The Hell we deserved our cute little epilogue (i know not everyone liked it but i did!!)

BUT at the same time we also wont have to worry about them messing any of that up ANDDD we dont have to see the absolutely heartshattering scene of matthias dying onscreen!!! so maybe it's Ok

[harryshomebaby]

all of a sudden today everything has kind of just gone silent in my corner of the internet and my friends aren’t on their phones anymore and now im alone

[hurtspideyparker]

Hi, sorry but could you recommend any of your favourite Peter Parker fics please?

For sure !!! *cracks open ao3 bookmarks*

Thirty Hours by polaroid15 - Peter doesn't take any breaks during a lengthy fight with the Avengers. The mind-melting fever that follows really should have been expected.

Hurt Peter Parker, my favourite tag <3 I love when Spider-Man is a badass and also lacks self-preservation. He's so cool fighting alongside the Avengers and we get some sweet hurt/comfort irondad!

Fitting In (Tiny Spaces) by aloneintherain - Peter's trapped beneath a collapsed building during a mission, hurt and unable to move. Luckily, his comm still works. Unluckily, the Avengers don’t realise how bad of a state Peter is in, and Peter isn’t inclined to tell them.

This fic is an icon in the fandom and for GOOD REASON. I just can not get enough of Peter Parker hiding his injuries. More heavy whump and angst!

All good things come in threes by Bergen - Peter has three secret identities: Spider-Man, the superhero who swings around the city to save people. Parker Benjamin, who gives Tony Stark unsolicited advice on his research. And NightMonkey, the Instagrammer who keeps uploading increasingly popular but embarrassing drawings of Iron Man.

And he can juggle them all just fine, thankyouverymuch.

Okay here is the fluff!!! Peter is a genius, a menace, and a sweetheart. Tony Stark runs into him (again and again) and can't help but have a soft spot for him every time. Funny and cute and an all 'round good time!

Held Together by Spiderwebs by TunaFishChris - Steve is not coping well in the twenty-first century. At all. Three months after the Chitauri invasion, he decides he's had enough.

But just as he's about to end it all, he runs into the new hero in town.

This one focuses a lot on Steve but I really like him and Peter's relationship in it, and I think this is great Peter Parker characterization. TW for discussions of depression and suicide, it gets a bit dark!

5 Times Spider-Man Saved an Avenger's Ass (and 1 Time They Saved Him) by TunaFishChris - this fic showcases how strong and capable Peter is, he's definitely a BAMF. I really like this genre where the Avengers know Spider-Man but not Peter Parker, makes Peter feel more independent and mature like in the comics.

Five Time Faculty Members Had to Call Peter's Emergency Contact + One Time He Shows Up Anyway, Five Times Tony Stark's Fabled Intern Just Showed Up + One Time He Was Invited, and Five Times Strangers Talked About Peter and Tony + One time Someone They Know Did by kingdomfaraway - I am just gonna recommend this entire series. Super fluffy, extreme irondad and spiderson. They're just adorable from an outside perspective and I love when Peter gets to just be Tony's intern and a teenager for a while :)

research and disaster by blueh - “So, uh, Mr. Stark definitely knows Roomba-Kid,” Becket says and discreetly tilts his head in the direction of the pair.

“Oh my god,” Jess says. She almost sounds gleeful. “Oh my god, he’s not just some random kid. He’s Mr. Stark’s kid.”

or: the interns at Stark Industries have some questions about Peter Parker. The answers aren’t quite what they expect.

I just love intern Peter mk? Let him be a kid genius and have fun!!! Fluffy and humorous, again with the irondad.

Captain, Oh My- Not My Captain! by uncouth_peasant - Peter swallowed hard before firing a web to swing into the fray. “Cap’s going after civilians. I’m out of time.”

Bruised and bloody men <3. Just Peter being a badass and getting beat to a pulp. Cool fighting, lots of Peter whump, and of course the Avengers being protective.

Good publicity by Bergen - Between Peter Parker barely speaking, and Spider-Man being the ultimate chatterbox, how was Tony ever supposed to figure out that they were one and the same person?

Tony Stark is secretly a softie for cute kids, especially when they're a genius and have a sense of humour to rival his own. Peter is a foster kid who ends up finding a home with Pepper and Tony, very sweet.

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle - When Ben is murdered Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway.

So he leaves, simple.

Simple, that is, until Iron Man needs Spider-Man’s help.

Heavy TW for this one, mind the tags. This is a popular fic and for good reason. A very mature and realistic portrayal of the foster care system and homelessness. The Peter angst is really great and I could barely put it down, that boy needs a hug so bad.

Now here's some hydra!Peter fics cuz they're my jam:

Peter is a precious chickpea by Bergen - They attack the HYDRA safe house shortly before sunrise.

The only people defending said safe house are Peter and Leo, and Leo slams his cell door open and starts spitting out orders, but then promptly gets clobbered over the head and keels sideways.

So that just leaves Peter. And he’s not even going to try to fight a whole team of Avengers. He looks up at Iron Man filling the doorway. “I surrender.”

He’s never been captured before and he’s not sure what to do. Escape, probably.

This entire series is PERFECT. I just love how adorable Peter is, and all the relationships Peter forms with the Avengers absolutely melt my heart. Peter's characterization in this is really unique and I wish there was more. The Bucky and Peter friendship is everythingggg. I love hydra!peter and bucky fics.

Indoctrination by phoenixon - The Avengers thought they were on a typical assignment: Infiltrate the Hydra base and find the weapon. What they didn't expect was the small boy raised by Hydra that they found instead. And they definitely didn't expect him to stay at Avengers Tower or how he somehow wormed his way into their lives. As for Peter, he just wants to be good and obey what the Hydra men told him so he doesn't get in trouble.

I just really love hydra Peter changing into a sweet and intelligent boy once he's rescued and safe, and how all the Avengers take up such heart-warming parental roles around him.

out there, living in the sun by Hailfire_73 - The Avengers rescue Peter from a Hydra base ran by his father, Richard Parker, except Peter doesn't really see it as a rescue, and has trouble settling into a new life away from Hydra and his father at the Avengers compound. OR - Peter learns how to be an actual teenager, live life, and put his abusive past behind him, and Tony learns how to be a father.

Hydra Peter but he's most definitely a traumatized and moody teenager. I really enjoyed Peter's character arc and the exploration of his trauma. It felt more realistic the way his journey isn't just a straight or clear path. He's more mature in this one and it was a really compelling read, balancing the angst with some humour and fluff. Loved the ending.

Tinker, Tailor, Spider by Bergen - Tony is roped into a mission to transport a teenager to safety. But when things go south, it soon becomes more and more puzzling who the teenager is and what ‘safety’ means for him.

I really enjoy that the author doesn't water Peter being hydra down. Yes he is a highly skilled assassin and a badass who's trauma pervades his every thought and decision. Made me fall in love with the Tony, Pepper, Morgan and Peter as a family dynamic. Super domestic while still highlighting Peter's troubled past.

[peerless-minty-cucumber]

SVSSS Liu Qingge is an ace icon in a porn logic plot. In this essay I will…

Okay so, I want to preface this with some clarifications. I'm going to assume most of yall know a baseline definition of asexuality as "when you don't experience sexual attraction." Without getting too into the nuance here, take note of the following:

Being asexual does not mean you hate sex. Some asexuals like sex. Some asexuals have sex.

Asexuals can get crushes and fall in love

Being asexual doesn't mean you have sexual trauma or are a prude or w/e

Also:

I am asexual and I think by online discourse logic that means I'm right about everything I say in this essay.

You're free to respectfully disagree honestly I'd love to hear other takes on this.

This headcanon contains a lot of projection. You've been warned.

So recently I reblogged this post that joked something along the lines of "We still don't know if Liu Qingge knows what sex is." And I thought that was a) hella funny and b) kinda true. Do I think he literally doesn't know what sex is? With that sister?? Yeah no I think he knows. But I imagine he doesn't really understand that sex is just kind of a big deal for most people and expected in typical relationships. I mean, I doubt sexual attraction really often discussed amongst cultivators anyway, so if one doesn't experience it, it a) wouldn't make one too much of an outsider and b) one would just assume this is the universal norm. In my reading of canon, he definitely has a crush on Shen Qingqiu, but I don't think he has the sexual attraction. To the contrary, I imagine that he finds the thought of sexual contact with his crush very unbecoming. Perhaps it even contributes to his dislike of Luo Binghe and the BingQiu relationship. I could even spin this into a whole thing where he could be coping with internalised homophobia because he doesn't want to have sex with men so it's fine, right? We know that in general, Shen Yuan is a pretty unreliable narrator when it comes to observing other characters' reactions. But I did find some of his thoughts about Liu Qingge during the Succubi extra very interesting. For those who don't know/recall - in this extra chapter, SQQ and LQG investigate a Succubus hideout and LQG gets affected by what is essentially an Aphrodisiac. SQQ notes that LQG is visibly distressed, but also shows absolutely no signs of desire to act on it in any way – almost as though he doesn't have experience with sexual desire. He's also clearly uncomfortable and angry with his body's reaction – not an uncommon reaction in (particularily sex-repulsed) asexuals experiencing libido. I really like to imagine an AU where LiuShen happened and they're just cute and cuddling and maybe get in a few kisses and after a few months Shen Qingqiu is like "… So are we gonna fuck or like…?" And LQG would be FLOORED because surely that's not a thing people actually do – right?! That's a thing for forbidden porn ballads and demons! I also like to imagine they actually try it and he ends up kinda liking it and unpacking his baggage but he still doesn't get the attraction.

Yall were seriously starving for this essay so I hope I at least kinda delivered. I felt like I had more to say about this but *gestures* stuff happened and my brain isn't super on top of things rn.

[sprinkleonthatcriticism]

(UPDATE 13/12/24) I just want to let people know that I do not support Jack or condone his actions at all, I use to be a fan and then when all the "Jack groomed Yippee" allegations came out, I originally wanted to wait to hear his side and was netural, that changed when it was revealed that Jack victim blamed someone who was a victim of him cocsaing them and that he did some other heinous shit, I drop all my support for him however, I will still stand my ground and say that Jack NEVER groomed Yippee in that post but he should've told xem that isn't okay to draw. ____________ Seeing the twitter dorks calling Jack out for "grooming" a minor is really annoying considering that I'm a grooming victim myself and I know for hell it ISN'T grooming Yippee-boi CW// Mentions of child grooming

It all started when Yippee shared a piece of fanart of Lucifer's oc, Idot-boy (who is a hypersexual sona like is meant to represent Jack's traumas just as his hypersexuality due to it's past experiences with SA and incest) so Yippee drew xe's hypersexual sona with it's sona.

I look at the image and yeah I can see where people got their "It's suggestive" from because Yippee's sona does look pretty suggestive but at the end of the day, it's just a sona that is use to cope with mental health just as hypersexuality.

And people are trying to use this comment as a catch 20 with Jack. Which, I don't see how that is grooming??? It's just

And then there's this (context: the person is Hyuuuuk who by judging from their profile, they happily call theirselves a huge Birdie hater which is pretty pathetic, oh and in the comment, they simply tell Jack to not talk to the minor and this was under this art which was posted before the hypersexual one).

People on twitter been using that comment as a "gotcha" but they don't actually do research and realize that "Hey, this comment is actually from the minor's different art piece NOT the other one" and maybe if they did, they would realize that Jack isn't being weird.

Like, maybe if Koish explain what the problem is Jack would understand because this isn't the first time where it didn't know he did something controversial until someone told him the problem.

But anyways, back on topic, the first screenshot is where Lucifer is simply complimenting the art featuring the two hypersexual sonas which yeah, like I said I can GET where you guys are coming from but again, Jack isn't being a groomer here or predatory. Is the comment weird? Yes, if people read it wrong and assume it's a suggestive comment somehow where to me, it's literally Jack saying that the art is "yummy" and then proceeding to type 'nom nom nom' jokingly eating it..

Now, this does not mean I won't call Jack out on one thing which is it shouldn't of spoken to a minor since the kid is like 15 and on Jack's tumblr's bio, it says 16+.

But I'm gonna give him the benefit of a doubt and assume that it thought it was fine since the minor was almost 16 which doesn't excuse it and I think that Lucifer should address it and that people need to stop calling it "grooming" or going on twitter comparing Jack's sexual assaulter to him which is....disgusting??? I myself am a victim of child grooming in the past and like I said, I know what is or isn't grooming and that wasn't child grooming because as Jack mentioned and the minor mentioned is that they both never dm'd or pm'd each other. Granted, they could both be LYING about that but at the end of the day you have to just take their words for it unless someone comes out with evidence that yes, they were both in fact in dms and were both in fact being weird.

(Link to 15 yr old's response)

[the-girl-wh0-cries-w0lf]

You're waiting for a train...(2)

To Build Cathedrals

Robert Fischer x reader, Arthur x reader (if you squint)

description - You leave your dad to go look for a new architect as you and Arthur set up the workspace. But your mind is plagued with dreams of its own.

word count - 2.7k (ooo we're getting bigger)

warnings - allusions to sexual assault, mentions of death, allusion to child abuse

a/n - This chapter looks more into how y/n's mind is shaped much like her father's and we also see a hint of Arthur and y/n's relationship (and yes it is weird that she sees him as her uncle). I've realised this is gonna be a slow burn for Robert x reader because of the chronology of the inception plot I'm trying to follow; I promise it'll be worth it!

Previous Part Series Master list Master list

If you want to be added to the taglist - here

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Dad and I stood as statues outside the university. It all felt so familiar from my youth but when I walked through, I felt as absent as a stranger.

“He’ll want to see you.”

“I’ll leave the conversation to you. He doesn’t want to see me.”

“That’s not true.”

“I know what he thinks of me. You didn’t have a choice, I did. In his eyes, I chose wrong.”

Dad let his arm rest on my shoulder in a silent act of comfort. I sucked back the tears, so he thought I was okay. The reality was I wanted nothing more than to run in there and jump into my grandads arms. But I couldn’t, in good fait,h knowing he thought of me as the girl who abandoned her siblings for no life at all.

I wiped away a rogue tear.

“Anyways, Arthur needs me to help him set up. But I’ll be waiting at the warehouse, okay. And I promise I won’t leave to go anywhere without Arthur.” I raised my hand to cup his cheek, so he felt the sincerity of my words. I went to leave my father to his search.

“Don’t worry, I’ll find someone as good as you were.”

Without turning back, I shouted. “Find someone better!”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*Cobb’s pov*

“You never did like your office.” Dad raised his head surprised to hear my voice, even more shocked to see my body.

“No space to think in that broom cupboard.” He quipped. “Is it safe for you to be here? Where’s y/n?”

“Extradition between France and the USA is a bureaucratic nightmare. Y/n is fine, she’s with Arthur.”

“I think they might find a way to make it work in your case.”

I made my way down and sat the meek gesture of toys on his desk.

“Look, y/n bought these, she thought the kids would like them. Saw them in Amsterdam.”

“It’s gonna take more than the occasional stuffed animal to remind those kids that they still have a father…and a sister. Y/n knows that.”

“She’s trying her best. She wants to make the best out of the situation she’s in.”

“The situation you put her in.” His voice became stern, and I cowered like a small boy.

“It was her choice. She said that she couldn’t let me go just like that.”

“She was your child; you shouldn’t have let her have the choice in the first place. The choice was life or death and you let her choose death just so you could imagine you still had a family and that it all hadn’t crumbled before you.”

“Yes. I am being selfish because I like that she’s still with me. I like having her here because without her I couldn’t cope.”

“You let her follow you into this life and it seems she suffers the consequences the most.”

“She told you?”

“She told grandma.”

“What the projections or the subjects do is unpredictable. Sometimes they respond to the presence put in front of them, in her case, a beautiful young girl.”

He looks down, ashamed of what he’s hearing.

“Look I’m just doing what I know. I’m doing what you taught me.”

“I never taught you to be a thief.”

“No, you taught me to navigate people’s minds. But after what happened, there weren’t a whole lot of legitimate ways to do that.”

He suddenly felt the meaning of my visit and retreated back into his chair. He punctuated the silence.

“What are you doing here, Dom?” I paused, wondering how to phrase this without inviting a lot of questions.

“I think we found a way home. It’s a job for some very very powerful people. People who I believe can fix my charges permanently. But I need your help.”

“You’re here to corrupt one of my best and brightest.” He taunted me by brandishing the end of his pen.

“You know what I’m offering, you have to let them decide for themselves.”

“Money.”

“Not just money. You remember, the chance to build cathedrals, entire cities, things that never existed. Things that couldn’t exist in the real world.”

“So, you want me to let someone else, follow you into your fantasy.”

“They won’t actually come into the dream. They just design the levels and teach them to the dreamers.”

“Design it yourself.”

“Mal won’t let me.” I saw his face droop at the mention of her. Already sighing at the sight of my delusion.

“What about y/n, she was always better than you were anyway.”

“She refuses. She’ll help with a maze or a paradox occasionally when she gets bored of our architects incompetence, but she won’t build herself anymore. I don’t know why. She won’t tell me.” He sat forward in his chair. Eyes pleading with me to bring y/n home.

“Come back to reality. Please.”

“Those kids are waiting for their father and sister to come home. That’s their reality. This job-this last job- that’s how we get there. I would not be standing here if I knew another way. I need an architect who is as good as I was.”

“I’ve got someone better.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Ariadne?” A perky petite girl runs to meet Miles’ inviting hand. “I’d like you to meet Mr Cobb.”

“Pleased to meet you.”

“If you have a few moments, Mr Cobb has a job offer he’d like to discuss with you.”

“A work placement?”

“Not exactly.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*your pov*

I made it to the warehouse and walked in to see Arthur fiddling with different pieces of equipment.

“You look funny handling tech equipment in that suit.” I loudly teased to get his attention.

He turned towards me with a smile. “Thought you’d be with Cobb and the new recruit.”

“He can do it without me; besides I didn’t fancy the third degree from grandad.”

“He’s just protective. This job isn’t exactly made for you.”

“What? You don’t think I can handle myself?”

“Oh, don’t worry I know you can. The scar on my eye proves it.” We laughed together in a way we hadn’t done in a while. I’d always found comfort around Arthur. When I first left with my dad, I was young and innocent. I had no idea what I’d signed up for. So, once we started working with Arthur I began to loosen up a little as I felt I had someone I could truly trust. Yes, there were people like Eames who came around for the odd job and who I could rely on on the mission. But Arthur was different. I trusted him in a way that encapsulated my whole heart.

We began to unpack the equipment, preparing for when dad would be back to introduce the new recruit to dream-walking. I had just found some old deck chairs stuffed at the back that I dragged to the centre. They made a horrible squeak as the metal scraped on concrete.

“Are you okay?” Arthur pondered.

“Yeah why?”

“Just after Nash and that last job, I worried you would shut down.”

“This could be Dad’s chance to clear his name, I got no time to shut down.” I put on a confidence and winked his way before punching his arm as I passed for good measure.

“Anyways,” I spoke facing the window. “It’s not like I’ve not dealt with that before. It’s old news.”

“I know.” Arthur said solemnly, refusing to look my way. “But you shouldn’t.”

“Well, it happened, it happens, and it’s going to happen again.” I giggled through my tear-filled eyes. I felt Arthur’s presence behind me, bringing me into the lightest hug.

“You know I’m here for you. And if you don’t want to tell your dad when it happens, that’s fine but promise you’ll at least tell me. You know I love giving a guy a good punch, especially on your behalf.”

I turned around in his arms and found our noses almost touching.

“Thank you, Arthur. My knight in shining armour.” I could see the muscles in his neck strain as he very gently leaned in. I copied and moved until our lips softly grazed.

*SCREEEEECH*

We jumped back from each other, in a spook.

“That’ll be them I guess.” I quickly fled the scene and brushed my fingers against my lips. That was about to happen, wasn’t it?

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-                                                                                                

Ariadne gasped as she awoke. Her eyes were flamed, and her pupils darted around the room, trying to make sense of it all. The music bubbled throughout the room adding a flare of theatrics to the situation. This was her second time under, so I assumed her jerk meant she hadn’t woken up in the most pleasant way.

“You’re okay, you’re okay.” Arthur quickly reassured her. Calming her down through gentle caresses.

“Why didn’t I wake up?”

I answered whilst making sure Dad was okay. “Because there was still time on the clock, and you can’t wake up from a dream unless you die.”

“She’ll need a totem.” Dad announced, already leaving the room.

“Dad give her a minute, geez.”

“What? Dad? Wait what?” Ariadne was shaken and looked between Cobb, and I confused.

“A totem it’s a small, personal-“

“That’s some subconscious you’ve got on you, Cobb! She’s a real charmer.”

“Ah I see you met my mom.”

“She’s, his wife?” She asked breathlessly, looking up at me. I nodded sadly.

“So, a totem, you need a small object, potentially heavy, something you can have on you all the time.” Ariadne covered her eyes to mentally acknowledge what she had just been through. I knew none of Arthur’s words were registering. It was too soon. She needed to go away so she can see how addicting it feels. I remembered my first time. I was so scared, but it was a delicious fear. “Something that no one else knows.”

“Like a coin?”

“No, it needs to be more unique than that. Like this is a loaded die,” Arthur brought out his totem, similar to mine. “I can’t let you touch it, see that would defeat the purpose. Only I know the balance and the weight of this loaded die. That way when you look at your totem, you know that you’re not in someone else’s dream.” I stuck my hand in my pocket to feel my own. It was a picture of me, James, and Philippa but it has a small mistake on it. In the picture I have braces, when in reality I’ve never worn them.

I left Arthur and Ariadne to talk and went to check on my dad. He had the spinning top again. We both watched it spin out, helpless to do anything else. When it fell, he loudly exhaled. I knew he had to do it, I just didn’t know why.

We both re-joined Arthur to find that the girl had left. It was probably all too much for such little time. And any run in with Mal’s projection would make anyone uneasy.

“She’ll be back. I’ve never seen anyone pick it up that quickly before.”

“I’ll try not to be offended.” I said with a smirk. Dad kissed my forehead. “Of course, except you, sweetie.”

“Reality’s not gonna be enough for her now, I remember the feeling.”

“When she comes back, you’re gonna have her building mazes.”

“Where are you gonna be?”

“I gotta go visit Eames.” I quietly clapped and celebrated in the corner. Eames was my favourite person to work with and we’ve always had a great partnership since our first time when I was only 15. He was the one who taught me impersonation and forgery, much to my dad’s admiration. If Arthur was like my uncle, then Eames was my rebellious older brother, letting me get away with anything I wanted.

“Eames? No, he’s in Mombasa, it’s Cobol’s backyard.”

“It’s a necessary risk.”

“Well, there’s plenty of good thieves.”

“We don’t just need a thief. We need a forger.”

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Arthur had reluctantly gone home for the night. I promised him I would be fine sleeping in the warehouse since my dad was away. He didn’t trust me, but he knew he couldn’t argue with me. I mean I didn’t lie. I did want to sleep.

I got myself comfortable on the deck chair and let the sedative seep into my veins.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

*your dream space*

I opened my eyes in the lobby of the hotel. Over the years I had fashioned my subconscious in this specifically navigable layout. I could bury things on different floors, and revisit things in different rooms.

It was empty. Just how I liked it. Projections of your mind are easier to get rid of than you think. I clipped my heels all the way down to the large metal elevator. I entered into the 1920s style tiled lift and looked at the numbers. -3, -2, -1, 0, 1, 2, 3.

My painted finger pressed harshly down into ‘1’.

The lift rung to life and pushed me up into the crevices of my mind. And as quickly as it started the doors were back open on to a brightly lit white corridor. The hall was as clean and perfect as I wanted to keep these memories. I opened up the door ‘101’.

Inside I saw James, Philippa and I dancing at the beach. As my projection pushes her feet through the sand, I curl my toes as I feel it soft beneath me. We are running about playing a game of tig as mom and dad look on from the picnic blanket laid out with food. The colours have faded like an old photograph, and I struggle to make out the different faces.

I decided to jump ahead a little and reach for room ‘111’.

I walk hand in hand down a beautifully decorated woodland path. Mom and dad flank me on either side. I stand tall, a child of 11, in the midst of my very own dream. That was the first time. Like the previous one it’s colours have all but gone.

I hurry back into the elevator and change the floor to number ‘2’.

This floor is harshly painted yellow, and its lights flicker incessantly. I trudge down the disgustingly patterned carpet to room ‘204’. My hand questions itself as it reaches for the handle. The door flies open into the living room of our house. I stand face to face with my mother in all her beauty. She is shouting.

“You are not my daughter; don’t you think I’d know if you were.”

My young voice shakes as it answers. “Mom, please, it’s me. You have to believe me.”

“You. Are. Not. Real.”

Her hand grasps the kitchen knife and raises it. I slam the door shut and hear the yelp of my self projection. I wait to calm my heavy breathing. I don’t want to remember her like this but it’s the only room she frequents now.

My limp body returns to the lift, and I finally reach for ‘3’. The box whirrs to life and almost gently raises me up into the final floor. This is my newest creation, where I store the unexplained and the prophetic.

I walk out onto the beautiful sage green corridor, adorned with expensive antique decorations. I make my way to room ‘301’. The door softly creaks open, and my eyes are blinded by a white light filtering in from an open window. The transparent net curtain hinders my eyeline. But in front of me I see the silhouette of a man. He is only wearing a pair of briefs and I am able to make out the lean but structured outline of his body. His hair is thick and luscious. A few chocolate strands have fallen to kiss his sharp cheekbones. I struggle to discern a face, yet I still feel stuck in this man’s gaze. Like his eyes have me in their grip. I push my way through the netting, but it works against me, rooting me to the spot. I struggle and I struggle. The constraint of the curtain becoming too much to bear. It’s difficult to breathe in my panic.

“Are you alright?” The strangers voice is the last thing I hear permeating the darkness before I’m woken up by the clock. The sedative wore off.

I sat there for a minute, gathering my breath. He was there. Again. He’s always there. No matter what I build, or where I hide, he finds a way through.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

I wonder who that mysterious man could be ;)

taglist: @jonsncws @h-l-vlovesvintage

[whumping-valentine]

Hey, whumplr

Yeah, you. Do you need a quick and easy way to temporarily immobilize your whumpees, that doesn't cause serious injury, but is also painful? Then look no further than the wonderful thing that my brother accidentally did to me a few years ago! Which is hit a GOLFBALL DIRECTLY ONTO MY KNEE.

So there I am, minding my own business at my grandma's house next door, on my phone, sitting on a swing while my brother hits a golfball around in the yard. When out of fucking NOWHERE pain just SHOOTS through my leg because this IMBECILE decided to hit the ball TOWARDS THE PORCH.

DIRECTLY ONTO MY RIGHT KNEE.

It hurt SO BAD. I literally fell to the floor clutching my knee, being all dramatic and woe-is-me because it's how I cope with pain. Meanwhile my brother was just impressed he managed to hit a target that small. I thought it was just gonna be temporary. Just ride it out and I'll be fine. And it was. AT FIRST.

I went home laughing with my brother like, "hey mom, guess what happened" but soon after a few hours the pain came back and it didn't leave. I couldn't even move my leg without it hurting. I consider myself to have a pretty high pain tolerance, yet this had me fighting for my life, man. I never take pain meds unless I feel like I'm dying and I had those bitches on speed dial. It was a journey just to hobble across the hall to go to the bathroom. I was duel wielding canes like a soldier in battle. A few days later before deciding I needed to go to the doctors I was crying in pain and my brother felt so bad he started crying, too.

I had to go and get the most painful X-rays ever to make sure my knee was fucking okay. I was FORCED to stretch it out straight and I was fucking crying on the table like a baby and it was embarrassing. To make it even worse I have mild cerebral palsy that mostly affects my right side, and an exercise I'm supposed to do is stretch out my legs; WHICH HURTS ENOUGH AS IT IS. BECAUSE IT ISN'T SOMETHING I REALLY EVEN CAN DO. I had my leg in like a permanent bent position, man, it hurt so bad to force it out straight. I was shaking and the lady was all "I can't do the X-ray unless your leg is straight" and I was all like "I CAN'T DO IT *CRYING*"

Turns out it was mostly swelling, and I had to take antibiotics to get it to go down, which took like a fucken week.

And actually, a month later, I went out into the city with my family to see a concert. I love the city because I live in a rural place and don't get to see stuff like that too often. I was excited to walk around when all of a sudden my ENTIRE LEG decided it wanted to be a demon. It felt like the joint contecting my leg to my pelvis had a knife sticking through it, and it went all the way down my thigh to my knee. I KNEW it was from the golfball. I was so upset. Though still I persisted on. I walked through that damn city with a limp in my step, getting pizza and cheesecake BY WALKING what a miracle. Unheard of in my rural brain. Amazing.

But damn, man, if you want your whumpees to be crying in pain and unable to move without it hurting like a bitch, just take a golf club and wack them in the knees. Not a serious injury, but it HURTS. Hell, go ahead and take out their elbows too, while you're at it.

Anyways! Yeah. There's your inspo. Golf club to the knees. 10/10.

[moku-youbi]

think about this (I AM THINKING ABOUT THIS SO HARD)

in klive context (especially with your find your way home series in mind)

ahahaha. Gonna admit this is tough on me, because I DO ship Five/Lila, and I have basically from the moment she showed up...but any time I try to think of scenarios for potential fic, my brain just NOPES out because Klive is OTP, and I can't stand the thought of Five without his Klaus. (which is why I eventually was like okay, Klaus/Five/Lila...and then because I felt sad leaving Diego out, and because I ship Klaus/Diego and Five/Diego, my brain went WHY NOT ALL FOUR?!)

Let's be clear about a few things though! If this were an established Klive scenario, Five wouldn't have stopped for a second. He probably would've died pretty fast if not for Lila forcing a slowdown, because he would not pause to eat or sleep or drink and he'd get sloppy and delirious fast. This is supposing he'd end up on that subway without Klaus in the first place, though, which would have *never* happened. He wouldn't have allowed Klaus to get shot, or to run off to who knows where in the middle of an emergency situation, and he wouldn't feel the need to distract Klaus or pass him off to Ribbons the Babysitter. They'd be glued at the hip, so you'd either get all three of them on the subway, or just Klive. (to be clear, if it was all 3 of them, I'm totally down with ot3. Klaus would be such a great buffer in there, being so gentle with them both, comforting them, caring for them *le sigh* If Blackman was going to piss everyone off anyway, why not go for broke with incest 3way lmao! Then you could also do away with the AWFUL pointless Klaus storyline full of unnecessary trauma). All that being said, if he'd been in an established relationship with Klaus and somehow they HADN'T been together in the subway? Yeah, never in a million years would he have cheated on Klaus.

I think for me, the disconnect is that he wants to stay there with her, not that he falls in love with her. I don't have trouble believing that. They're already so alike and there's clear affection and a spark of chemistry there. And I think a lot of people miss that 1.) he'd already 'broken up with' Delores in s1 when he returns her to the store and 2.) he's stuck in another apocalypse scenario, and we know his coping mechanisms. + 3.) she was in an unhappy and unfulfilling marriage and 4.) her aggressive positivity and not speaking about her children is *her* coping mechanism. My poly-minded brain is okay with this. He can love her and Klaus and Delores and whoever. She can love him and Diego and whoever.

And I can even see him needing a break. That's what he told Klaus he wanted in s3 after all. He had a few year's downtime, and then suddenly gets put back in this nightmare situation with no end in sight. He's 70. He's tired of just running and fighting *constantly* It makes sense to want to go someplace safe and comfortable and take a breath.

For me the part that doesn't work is as soon as he finds the book. Like it just doesn't work for his character no matter what. I can see him taking a couple of days to come to terms with the fact he's going to lose Lila, but I don't see it lasting *months* That's where the Klive shipper (and Hargreeves OTSiblings) in me is all hell naw! Not only is it unbelievable that he'd abandon his siblings to the apocalypse (like, sure, wanting to get away from the endless chain of end of the world scenarios, fine, but he'd go bring his family BACK with them, then), but we saw with Delores that he let her go because he knew it was what was right and what she needed. He would *never* keep Lila from her children 5 months longer out of selfishness, knowing her anguish over being apart from them for so long, no matter how much he loves her. In fact, it's because he loves her so much that he wouldn't.

And that's what it comes down to, a fundamental misunderstanding of how Five loves, from the writers. It's an interesting blend of selfishness and selflessness, but no matter the cost to him personally, he'll do what is best for his loved ones.

[koka-mi]

haiz i hope youre okay (* >ω<)/ !!! love u lotz

go on a yap abt how u are [ if u want ] [ u can also dm reply instead hehe idm :3 ]

WAAAH RAVEN HII!!!!

HI I'm doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm doing!! I SURE AM DOING!! DOINGG!!~~!! (it looks kinda like.the noise doing! if you look at it hard enough ehehe)

ANYWAYZ HEYLLO RAVENNN!!!!<33333333 I'M DOING.FINE!! COULD BE BETTER COULD BE WORSE BUT I'M FINE it's just,,health things. My mental health has gotten worse and I got really sick (I feel better enough to type this out tho dwdw!!) but luckily I'm recovering well and I should be healthy by Christmas!! <3

Also I'm just a lil?? low energy?? I dunno I've lost a lot of motivation to do likee..anything :'D this isn't related to my sickness, though. It's been happening very gradually with a lot of little things and it has spread to my discord and tumblr activity it seems. I responded to like.three dms yesterday and even then there were long gaps in between the replies and I'm p sure I was half asleep bcz what on EARTH was I on abt at some points.

I'm gonna be honest..majority of my time is spent sleeping. Sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeeppping.. my STUPID brain has been getting to me Bad :[[[[ so it's been hard to do a lot of things. So I guess,, sleep is my main escape?? Idk sleeping has always been a coping mechanism for me. I dunno I guess any dream or nightmare is better than real life to me. I'm even okay with not dreaming abt anything as long as I'm not awake,,(not that that's a healthy way to think I'M WORKING ON IT IT'S JUST HARDDDDBWJHW). That and I'm always tired from my family's shenanigans xD

But even sleeping is odd for me,,LIKE uhmmm not while I'm sleeping but once I wake up. Like all my thoughts are amplified 20x more(/hyperbole xD) ughghhugh I'd go into detail abt things but I don't wanna,,yk,,make this too long or possibly sound crazier than I already do. I don't really know how to put what's happening into words anyway :[ ehhehasidamkf AND RLLY I'M FINE I JUST NEEDA.....sitdown......and rest,,I think.

I FEEL SO BAD THO SORRY I KINDA DISAPPEARED..I SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME BACK SOON I PROMISE<33 ALSO ILYT RAVEN!! I LOVE YOU A LOT!! SO MUCH!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 (love the kyoko pic btw!! yippee yippee yaaayyyyyy!!)

[memberment]

morning everyone

I wasn't gonna make an update post today bc I've been like

kinda debbie downer as fuck & I'm not feeling super yappy.

but I'm literally working on Knockin' On Heaven's Door (36) and Genesis is actually almost done.

Wish me luck at work may or may not update more later<3

(2:51) I'm giggling to myself over how significant 3's and 7's were to this story before I decided to include the seven seals of the apocalypse in it. I am currently writing the seven trumpets and

LOSING MY MIND.

(8:43) Y'ALL I'M BACK FROM WORK WITH TWO NEW FIC CONCEPTS (well, one new one, one might just be implemented into a more casual fic bc the idea itself is really funny but I need an actual plot for it.)

BUT ONE OF THEM REVOLVES AROUND HALLOWEEN SO WHEN I'M DONE ALL OF MY PROJECTS ARE GETTING PUSHED BACK BC THIS IS GONNA BE SOOOOOO FUN.

(also I'm done being sad for rn I gen thought I was gonna get fired today (not at all my fault btw) but I didn't! so yippie!<3)

(9:45) guys idk if this isn't reading as ominous because Im genuinely so desensitized to all things spooky and I've been working on this for like, days straight (again) or if it's not reading as ominous because it's not.

which makes me wanna scream bc that means I'm gonna have to wait A WHILE BEFORE I LET MYSELF ACTUALLY PROPERLY REREAD THIS LMAOOOO (this is actually so annoying)

(2:27) okay so I got distracted for like three hours on this Halloween project but then decided I didn't want to write it so I'm back on Genesis....

Guys...

I didn't know exactly how I wanted the exact end sequence to happen. Like I had a lot of ideas, some I kept.

BUT WHEN I FUCKING TELL YOU GUYS.

I was cursing myself bc I'm allowed to have creative freedom and I made Wendy and Brimmy close bc I just phoned it in idk and I got in to deep to change it but I was like wait no that's stupid why did I do that but then I was like no fuck it we ball Brimmy and Wendy duo it's fine (I genuinely love them ngl, I will be writing them again)

THAT WAS THE WORST THING I COULD'VE DONE BC IT JUST MADE THE SEQUENCE OF EVENTS AT THE END THAT MUCH MORE FUCKING UPSETTING.

I don't know how to cope with this...

Oh also I'm writing 37 rn. We're at 113.5k.

I'm literally almost done. I actually feel sick LMFAOOOO

(2:38) It's not done but I just finished 37. I feel like I'm about to go into shock... I'm at 114k and IN SHOCKKKKK.

Like, I still gotta fill in a few flashbacks and finish up chapter 32, but WOW.

This is like, done. My life is ruined.

(7:05) guys pls tell me how I have just been like in giggle and kick my feet reading ff gear since I finished genesis bc I cant bear to reread and fully finish it tn

and my all of my playlists are cycling through

and Im just like reading this cute lil ff that is HEALING ME after all the shit I just put my cast through

and Baby Kia starts playing. Like my brother in christ it is 7 in the morning…

I am laughing so hard over this I had to sit up and restart one of my playlists bc I cant rn

no one needs to listen to BK at 7am

ANYWAYS after I go to bed (I lowk might stay up to finish reading this fic tho Im on 8/14 and I am NOTORIOUS for picking something up and not sleeping til I finish it if its under 100k (were not discussing this) and I am very invested) I might be MIA all day bc physics labs and my first exam are both due tm.

I probably wont be MIA all day bc I wanna start my halloween project (that all of like two people will prob find as funny as I do, and Im totally fucking fine with that bc I gencthink its so funny.)

OH AND ALSO I decided that this halloween project may be apart of the morning glory/dandelion verse but well get to that when we get there

[xyfanficarchive]

So, uh, weird question i know...how do i cope with seeing the most jaw-breaking gorgeous mouthwashing tulpar crew artwork only to the artist to not include jimmy, because the artist cannot handle his character.

Like i get them, and it's fine some people can feel uncomfortable,about Jimmy but it still just honestly hurts so badly, i feel so utterly sad, like i am doing fine then Boom i just see how the artist have drawn Anya Daisuke, Curly and Swansea so alive, so vividly... And.. the pain kicks in... Like i know there is ppl who draw jimmy... But i can't move on.. like..it just devastates me and sometimes the artist whom doesn't draw Jimmy gets thousands of likes and engagement in sites like Twitter/X or here Tumblr... i dunno if you ever saw it....

Anyways do you have any advice... i mean it's okay if you don't i mean don't want to pressuring you into answering this question... So it's okay if you don't...

Also i love your blog and have a good day! !

Again sorry for this gross, embrassing question...

dont worry my guy lord knows ive been so completely abnormal about characters before… and i really do get your pain about not seeing jimmy included, and while it doesnt hurt to the same extent its still pretty disappointing for me. and i usually end up like, just not interacting with those works or creators much at all really. idk ive latched on to jimmy and he’s my fave so my blog is quite jimmy centric anyways.

another thing i hate is including jimmy but drawing him with roach antennae idk it wont make me ignore it but it does miff me. i would prefer the shadowed face with one eye to the roach antennae…

my advice really, is to try and make peace as best as you can with the fact that even the most talented artists out there have free reign to not draw him if they don’t want to. people aren’t gonna like him (and honestly, not without reason). and tbh, the artists that go as far as leaving him out probably wouldn’t draw him with like, the respect he deserves for his central role in the story as the protagonist. like picture a zero effort sketch of jimmy comedically placed next to the beautifully rendered other crew members. or making him excessively ugly when he’s meant to be average. and giving him like, flies and green stink lines….

and then, find vibrant art of jimmy and cherish it! like off the top of my head i can think of that pink pony express fanart with jimmy being highly embarrassed in short shorts and a cropped western shirt, and that one new year’s post where everyone was colour coded and drawn in really dynamic dancing poses, i loved looking at jimmy in that one

basically, focus on your love for jimmy and not everyone else’s hatred for him! its hard being a villain Lover out here, this life isnt for everyone 😔 but we stick together okayyy lets hold hands and love jimmy without shame, without looking back, we don’t need any of those artists anyways!!! 🫶🤝💪

[kusundei]

I am not going to get into snoisle. im too far gone and me not getting up this morning solidified it further im the one who does these things to me. im judt trying to like learn to cope with those facts and take things one step at a time and to just be here and be okay and be. but blah blah blah its so hard keeping up and its draining me. i juet dont wanna acknowledge it and again it sucks even more cuz im falling back into old habits when i said id change ans it hasnt even been that long?? im just scared at some point something awful is gonna happen again and its just going to be my fault and theres gonna be no way for me to cope w it. i wanna know peace again want to sing a different song ���‍↕️ its just so hard to do anything at all but reasonably the only thing keeping me going is knowing that if i dont then qhats gonna happen.? nothing probably. you learn to find motivation in reluctance. moreso guilt probably. its just hard to convey alot of things. its not like i dont feel thibgs and also not like i dont say it either but truly ny body just works the way it does. if i can push it down YOU PUSH IT DOWN and usually that makes it go away. i just feel like ive been too selfish lately. and i dont like being like that but its hard to not think and feel it especually like this. its hard to not feel like youve burdened so many people especially when my scenery has changed so much. i coukd live with the idea of burdening my mom but now its infected everyone and i worry. a lot. guilt is my number one driver but i dont think it drives ne enough. i just have a lot on my mind usually and i wish i could talk abt it but im also glad i dont. theres no reasin fir me to and alot of things get lost in translation

its not better to speak than to die. truly. why should i put other people through my own pain si that i can feel better?(? i cant do that. not with a clear conscious anyway but i feel like i just do ut a lot. im bot saying im some sort of saint because im not and i dont the exact opposite of that way too much. and also dont get me wrong i want people to care. i wish people knew and i wish people seemed like they worry abt me but thats even more of a selfush thing to say becayde i know people do but CLEARLY its noy enlugh bcuz why do i think abt it? its just so butt And it keeps coming up and i jsut try not to think abt it. but i know what ive promised myself and what my rules r and i know what is driving me to not . and im holding onto that for dear life but i know my foundations r not stable

Its just like i feel like ive become so codependent again and i wish i knew that independency i did before. But i dont want to pull myself out becayse i know what it did before. theres just no inbetweej wirh me its either all the way or none at all just like give me a break. and i just feel so USELESS ALL THE TIME i hate therapy. honestly. connie is nice to have back and she cares and shes helped me alot with ne and my mom but just stay like that. dont ask me how im doing. i dony need you to tell ne that im such a ‘kind and caring person’ all the time. its not like i dont believe those things but its moreso just my own perception of myself. why am i in therapy. i dont need thid and i dont need you to tell me these things. ive done it once ill do it again becahse i always have. im not helpless and i dont need people to care abt me (juxtaposition)

I just like. hate myself. Likr why am i like this. But realistically thats just the way i am and ive been saying this for years. theres no fixing me and its fine ir whatever.

[b-blushes]

medical stuff/brain stuff

it is so bonkers to be aware that i'm feeling, for want of a better way to put it, insane (bad) about something, and for that awareness to have no bearing on my self existing in that state. i feel like i lack the vocabulary to communicate it. i'm losing chunks of time, feeling like it's hard to make rational decisions, doing my laundry, saying yes to meet up with a friend, 'oh you seem much more chipper than the last time i saw you!', having vivid dreams and nightmares, what day is it, spiking a fever that goes away when i leave the place, not feeling hungry for days or weeks and ravenous when it's over, struggling to think of anything i'm looking forward to the next day when normally i can write lines, chatting to friends 'just fine', feeling distant from everyone but like i have nothing to say, i'm gonna thrup, talking and smiling just fine when i'm there, 'i really want to get this done', every day is passing so slowly, it's 4pm already???, can't think straight, trembling when i talk about it, no-one is looking at me and saying to me 'are you alright?' so i'm doing a pretty good job, i'm coping with it, it'll be fine once it's over. good grief. it's hard to even look at whether this might actually be a thing, like 'perhaps i have trauma related to X' for lots of reasons. maybe i'm being dramatic, what would calling it something fancy even help, i can't prevent myself from being in that situation again or from bad things happening in that situation again so is there even anything i can do about it, etc.

i'm literally 'doing everything just fine' but also i'm being haunted big style in my brain and one of the biggest things that's unpleasant about the situation is the cognitive dissonance between outer functioning and how i'm feeling on the inside. if i was outwardly falling apart more that would feel bad in a different way and the fact that i'm not is like 'okay well i'm doing things still so it's probably not a big deal even and i can just get through it this time like i always do, i can do it'. but like. the experience.

anyway like this says i am doing fine functioning wise no need to worry 👍

[a-s-levynn]

@lovingache @reveries-of-my-mind @sleepanonymous Sorry you had to wait this much but i fell asleep and then work happend and i rewrote the entire post because it made so little sense and yeah..

I certainly can't be brief with this so i'm gonna insert a cut but if you are interested, this is what ST helped and still helps me work through during my still ongoing journey of selfacceptance.

It is kind of messy, there is a lot of rambling and wandering of thoughts but finally here it is.

A lot of this is, i'm sure of it, is going to sound very familiar to you because there is a reason we gravitate towards Sleep Token. Yeah memes are fun, much shapes, the guys are cryptids, Vessel has a nice body, III is the fun chaos noodle ballerina whatever, II is cute how he simps for Vessel from behind the drumkit when he isn't destroying it, IV is obejctively the sexy one and all the shenanigens. Whatever. We all know. BUT. If we are honest we love all of it because how it was built up. Because we are all a bit broken inside in ways. And we have a way to channel it in a way many of us never been able to before. We are allowed to be broken and exist in a space where it is okay. It is understood. Like.. Never in my entire life been so comfortable with the scars on my arms as is was when i was waiting in que before an ST ritual. Just sayin..

But back to the topic. Sorry i'm prone to wander.

It's hard to get this together in a way that isn't too much about me but it is not an easy task let me tell you. I'll put a link to an abbreviated version of how i got to be the person i am because it retrospectively will add some additional context to this entire thing, but that's fully optional. But first:

a little context on how i fell into the ST pit anyway: I first found them when the second ep released. I liked the look, i checked them out solely because that masked look interesting, but i really did not vibed with the music. I wasn't listening to the lyrics.

Next time they came into my field of vision before the release of TPWBYT. I still wasn't fully sold but there were a few tracks that got trough to me from Sundowning. Still not all of it. I wasn't paying attention still.

And then the end of last year came and something started an itch in my brain to take them out again.. and i finally sat down and read the lyrics properly. I never in my entire life sobbed so uncontrollably like when i first experienced Atlantic with actually paying attention to the lyrics.

And then the TMBTE singles started to release, then the album came. It's not a coincidence i said it's akin to a pilgrimage. It was an emotional pilgrimage to me, and still is every time i do it. And i was fairly normal about all of it. It hit me for sure, but i actually was lost when i finally saw them live. It just broke through like a dam in a flood. That concentrated energy is something that is hard to describe. Anyway. Now here i am.

So the things Sleep Token helped me with, that 10+ years of objectively unsuccesful therapy miserably failed to achieve.

being able to cry properly

being unapologetic about what i like

being able to start to feel my feelings

being unashamed by feelings that are generally considered problematic

being able to process in a much more healthy way if something is not okay in my head

ST gave me a healthier coping album to listen to when i'm on my lows

I'm not saying i'm perfectly fine by a weave of a magical drumstic, what i'm saying is that i stab myself significantly less when i can't focus for the life of me.

So maybe go over the bulletpoints i guess?

1. crying

With ST i felt finally seen in a way i never had before. I never was a cryer, but since i actually got into ST, i do sometimes. Not all the time but probably a far healthier amount then before. Because not crying is unhealthy. It doesn't make you strong and all that crap. It just adds to the unnecessary weight you carry. Some realize this sooner and i'm so happy for them beause it is important.

2. being unapologetic of my interests

I meantioned it before, an it was what sprang this entire long ass post to existance, but let it be here as well: i was unlearning a lot of thing and being apologetic over what i like is one for them. And i was progressively better and better at it, but like lately it just blew through the stratosphere because one cannot talk about Sleep Token and not sound kind of mental at least a bit. And at this point i don't give a shit. I like what i like, it doesn't hurt anyone. If someone laughs at me for it? Good for them at least i made them smile.

The context of this is a friendgroup i was in from around 14 to 20 and it had good paarts but ultimately was an emotionally controlling one, which i realized far too late. And it already created patterns and habits. Needless to say, i don't talk to any of them anymore.

3. feeling the feelz

This is where i'm going to start to sound really weird i think but who knows.. maybe more of you are in the same shoes than i would think.

From a considerably young age i was repressing basically every strong emotion possible. Happyness, sadness, excitement even anger to a certain degree. It started with the sadness, and emotional pain but as with everything it spiraled out to the rest of my emotions. I was also basically in a constant fight or flight mode which just propells you forward at any given time, when you should have stopped to feel shit.

And after a while that creates this weird dissonance of not really feeling anything and at the same time having the empathy, emotional maturity and social awareness to understand how others feel in given situations. Moreover i was acutely aware how i should feel in certain moments, it just.. never really happend. I knew the correct answers to the proverbial questions but my brain just put up a wall and never let me actually feel anything. I was simply empty.

This created the perfect blank slate for me to be the quote on quote emotional mirror for all my friends and even family at times. So usually people came and still come to me to be a sort of free therapist or something like that. Just spitballing what they are going through and reflecting it back to help them understand. And don't get me wrong i love helping people, i really do, and also when the conversation is over, some of their relief is left behind for me and it was at least something.

But at the end of the day i was constantly left with this feeling of "who am i in all this?" , "where is the person whom i can call me?" and that is a very lonely place of being. Especially when you are younger. (This is i think, at least partially, why i may have caught on to the vibe what Vessel supposed to be about. Because either i like it or not, i get what it's like. At least a version of it. To be so empty that anything and everything that creates the illusion of feeling something, anything, it is good enough for the moment.)

And here comes Sleep Token again. Because the songs are highly, highly emotional. And here comes the brilliance of Vessel as a character because by design a vessel is a blank slate. Could be anyone, because it is supposedly empty. Which is a very familiar state of being for me. And that is what made for me so easy to connect and by proxy going through the motions and start to get eased into being comfortable with feeling things again.

It still in it's infancy, that is why i'm a wreck at days, because i'm still relearning stuff that was last natural for me around two decades ago. But i wanna get there. When i can just feel, without guidance. But this is something none of my supposedly professional therapist knew what to do with.

And here comes this british sadboy with his masks and bodypaint and i'm finally nudged away from point zero? Yeah, you can bet your ass i'll take my chances and be grateful for the rest of my life no matter how far it gets me. If it is a tenth of an inch than it is a tenth of an inch. It is still more progress than i ever had before.

4. being unashamed of feelz

Sounds contradictory to the previous point but not really. If you ever felt.. for example let's say obession, true obession you know it's not like any other feeling. It works differently. Not easily controllable and it could lead to anger and rage, end in agression, all sorts of not so great things.

These are stuff we all try to repress for understanable reasons. This is the stuff we know are bad because they usually can lead to bad things. We hear it all our lives. They aren't bad. Not necesseraly. So we shouldn't be afraid to feel them. Not without understanding they are there, either one wants it or not. These are just as natural than any other feeling and no less dangerous than the rest.

They are part of the human condition. But we need to learn to live with them and control them. Repressed things tend to just explode one day and that is when the damage happens. When something can exist in a controlled enviroment, and can be observed from different angles it can be understood. And we are usually not afraid of things we understand. We deal with them. That is the whole point.

And yet again, obsession is a heavy and somewhat recurring theme in ST lyrics either actually or on a meta level if you pay attention. And the way it is presented and integrated into the whole of the story created with the discography is what solidifies it as, a thing than can be observed. It can be understood.

And the honesty of how it is presented what makes me comfortable with the fact that no, i'm not a freak, i'm not abnormal because of it. But there is a conscientious choice to be made how i deal with it. How i learn to direct it to something positive and create something with it, insted of going the other way.

It's like murder. Everyone thinks about it. It doesn't mean everyone is a potential murderer waiting to snap. Fuck no. But we do think about it. Is it okay to think about it a lot? It's not my place to decide how much is too much. But thinking isn't the problem. It is how we talk about the fact that we think about it, can be a problem. Anyway i'm diverging to much into philosophising territories. It happens, sorry.

5. processing the mess in my head

This is a pretty straightforward one actually. My mind is a mess. My long term memory is patchy, the short term one is barely existant. I understand a lot of the world in certain ways but i know so little in others. ST makes me think a lot more.

I always catch a word or a phrase or a line, maybe a verse, that lodges itself behind my eye for a time and i just keep it rolling. Associating on it, connecting it to other stuff. It stops me for a minute and forces me to roll an idea over and over and over and over again in my head and just run with it until i end up with some sort of epiphany.

It doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be the smallest thing, something like a shiny glass ball in a box of far more interesting toys. But it is my glass ball, I picked the colour inside.

6. a healthier coping album

Yeah this one.. So for the longest time when my mind got murky and getting too lost into the void, music was what could drag me out of it. Since i was a kid, the album that could kick me back towards the tracks was Phobia from Breaking Benjamin. I put it on an usually by the end of it i sort of was back on a functioning state. Not a good place but a functionig one. But if you ever heard the album in it's entirety, it is hardly an uplifting one.

Now when i feel low i roll the first two ST albums in sequence. By the time i reach missing limbs i feel actually better. My mom put it to words really well when she said "I don't understand the words of what this man is singing about but i can guess he is not happy. Is it about sad things right? I feel that. But i like it because it feels more comforting instead of making me sad as well." And that i thinks sums it up pretty well. Because it is no longet the outstreched hand of you-are-not-alone but the outstreched soul that cries you-can-find-yourself-in-me. And that is the definition of comforting for me. (Yes i love that phrace because it fits, let me be proud of myself for saying something that sounds good for once.)

And that is pretty much it for now. There should be a few more things ST is a reasonably large part of my self-journey but i've gotta think on it more i think. I'm not even sure i realize all of it.

I'll link a separete post here at the end which sums up how i got to this place i am. It is heavily abbreviated but it is still feels too long. It is certainly far more personal than this but i think it adds context to what was written above. But i don't want to clutter this one with that kind of personal stuff, also it's just an optional thing for anyone who wishes to maybe understand me a bit better and where i come from. [link to said post] Just for the record: this post does mention mental a physical abuse (no sexual one), self harm, mental issues, so all the fun stuff, but does not detail it.

[somehwere-between]

Darry and/or Johhny for the character asks! If you're feeling up to it! 😊

I’ll do both! And then after this I need to sleep, just finished another essay (yay history major) and I’m so tired. Plus moving houses.

Darry

How I feel about this character

I hated him when I was young (11-13), loved him when I was older (14-16 or 17), and now I’m a solid Darry enjoyer. I’m selective with my interpretations of him but generally speaking it’s fun seeing all the varying opinions! Minus the musical.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Healthy coping mechanisms 🩵. Okay jokes aside, I don’t really ship (and Paul/Darry is meh to me), but I think he’s either straight as hell or so deep in the closet he’s in Narnia.

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Darry and Soda truly have such an interesting bond and I love it! I wish it was explored more but it’s from Pony’s perspective, so you know, not likely.

My unpopular opinion about this character

Also many. I’ll stick with the one least likely to get many arguments: he is ultimately just a blue-collar guy trying to make ends meet while still being young himself. I’m 20, I don’t know what’s going on. He’s 20 and he’s got more awareness than I do, but he’s still 20. (This is mainly in reference to, again, musical “Darrel”. I have beef.)

One thing I wish happened with this character in canon

Maybe more interactions with others? Idk, I want to see more about his connection with Dally and Two-Bit and (alleged) lack of one with Steve. Or maybe what he was like in high school! He was voted boy of the year which is a popularity thing, so he had to be decently well-liked.

Johnny

How I feel about this character

Constantly mischaracterized, but genuinely fantastic if done correctly. He’s a lot like my best friend Sydney (with some overlap with me lol) and has a lot of grit that gets swept under the rug or blown out of the water. He CARES about people! But he’s also a snarky-but-scared 16 year old from the rough side of town so you know, multitudes. Anyway I love him. Underrated.

All the people I ship romantically with this character

Proper medical intervention. Dally’s fine too

My non-romantic OTP for this character

Dally (again), and his bond with Pony evolves in the story too! I kinda roll my eyes when people (teenagers) say there’s a ‘power imbalance’, but it is true that Johnny is more aware of Pony’s status as the “kid brother” than Pony is aware of it himself. I really do think they balance each other, one of them sees things the other can’t. Again, like me and Syd.

My unpopular opinion about this character

He’s not a toddler guys. Like every other character, he’s an abused kid in poverty (in my opinion, also a person of color) in the 1960s. I am not gonna stop y’all having fun or coping or what-have-you but tag your stuff PLEASE

One thing I wish happened with this character in canon

More interaction with Soda would’ve been nice! Just something small, I’m not picky. Or Darry. Just a Curtis brother other than Pony.

[maxinemeows]

(I originally posted this on twitter but I wanted to share my thoughts on class of 09 the flipside here too!)

OKAY FIRST OF, DONT SHOOT ME- I DO NOT SUPPORT THE CREATOR- I just saw the tweet of the person that came out with his story with the creator.

I don't like bullying and especially towards younger people so yeah! This opinion is about just the game! 😭😭😭 (Even tho the creator has done all the bad stuff long ago he might still be doing this in the present? I have no idea but hey, I will not risk it until I see evidence or whatever the fuck. 😃)

I think people are shocked that having a protagonist that isn't a sociopath makes the game less funny. (Because of Jecka's emotional and normal reactions.)

I get it, you wanted comedy, you wanted to laugh but you got something else, cope! I think it's good to see a real side of this universe.

Not only we see how bad Nicole can be, to even Jecka (nuance is important) but we also see the aftermath of Nicole's hostage friendship route!

Let me break it to you, it is supposed to not be funny, it is supposed to be heartbreaking.

Jecka's dad situation has funny moments but ultimately is it really funny at the end of the day?

Also for the people that say "there is too much feet shit," the game has 5 main routes, only 2 of its routes have that as their "main thing" like in the Re-up, with the homeless route.

You can obviously criticize this game obvi, but some people seem to miss the point about multiple aspects about it.

Like- it still has the same ingredients from the past games- what, you just dont like it because Nicole is being Nicole??? Or think that the abuse "feels too real"?

(Additional stuff that I included because I had more to say.)

Maybe I am being biased and just like the series so much that I refuse to perceive this third game as a bad one, sure maybe.

But maybe a lot of people are projecting waaay too much onto this game. Like maybe expecting fan service is bad?? And some things are obviously meant for fanfics? (I am talking about people being shocked for not having more "ship moments," like come on that's not realistic.)

Also, the thing of "this is clearly fetishistic bait for the creator" I cannot see it. (I again might be wrong.)

No feet were shown (so the focus was clearly not in the sexual aspect of it.) Jecka and Nicole were clearly uncomfortable the entire time and the boys were mocked by the characters and narrative! Basically like all the pedo jokes in literally the entire saga! But this is better because they at least killed Jeffrey???

And now the pain fetish thing, that I see it even less, again we are playing as Jecka, the non sociopath, she has an abusive father and it will suck! And the game treats it as it should be! It is scary and it is not fun, and still it cracks pretty good jokes from time to time about it.

I'm gonna say what everyone wants to say, this game is uncomfortable and its a different experience than the other two!

But I dont think the execution and the game itself is bad *because* of that. Things can be good and make you feel those things and thats completely valid!

If you want some saphic content from this franchise do not worry there are so many amazing writers and artists here that you will be fine no matter what!

Anyways this was my silly long yapping session, hope other people that feel similarly will see this. :P