#ok2talk

[tr-ubl-d]

Memories

A few years ago, around 3, I was sexually assaulted by another boy. There was no evidence of this happening, so when I did tell the school and they brought it to the police, nothing was done about it.

I've always been stuck with the memory of this event, but recently, it's attacking me in waves of negative emotions.

I was bullied so much over the years that my mental health has been terrible. I have been struggling with these events and making it worse, I've had an internal war for a while.

I can't let these things go and I want to. It's like I'm living in a house of memories, except they're all twisted into terrible spikes, molten lava, and ice. I recently discovered I'm not the only male sexually assaulted and harassed.

[joyron]

If I was to embrace the end of my existence I would do so gladly because every moment and everyone is too hard to keep

[shineeverywhere]

Perfect

I have anxiety, and it feels like my family doesn’t get it. They always tell me, just pick something, stop getting upset, just talk to me. They don’t get that it’s not that easy. It never is, and I’m sorry I can’t fit your detention of perfect. I can’t even fit mine! But, I don’t know if anyone can. ✨

[irlax]

[danpellysuicidewarrior]

#once #you #been #down #so #low #determination #changes #everything #create #value #now #video #trend #trendy #socialmedia #google #youtube #my #2 #attempts #to #chooselife #suicideprevention #youmatter #nevergiveup  https://youtu.be/smJOR6Oob3Q

[giveyourselfcredit]

In case no one has told you today: I believe in you xo

[volucrisvoluptuous]

STAY ALIVE

Every day i have thoughts of suicide or worse. I feel like I'm a waste of space and a nuisance to those around me because i can never do anything right. All I've ever wanted to do is be successful and make people proud of me but I keep fucking it up in ways that negatively affect not only me, but the people I love.

stay alive~

Just a few hours ago i contemplated ending it all while I had been left alone for a bit-but you know what stopped me? Not the thought that there are others out there just like me; not the fact that it'd be hurting those that care for me; and not the fact that would've been found by someone i don't want to see me that way. -NO!

What stopped me was the fact that I KNOW i can get through this. I KNOW that i can battle this depression and self-hate so that in the future, I'll have a beautiful family, people that i love, and more opportunities to make my family proud even if i let them down now.

Stay Alive

I can't even BEGIN to fathom what it is you may be going through, but i know damn sure you're strong enough to persevere so that you can look back in the future and thank GOD AND ALL THE HEAVENS ABOVE that you made it out of this alive. So whatever it is you may be thknking of doing right now, don't, because this won't be a mistake you can regret in the future.

STAY ALIVE!

[itsdecemberagain]

Nothing Wrong

There's nothing wrong, so why do I feel like this? My life is great, I'm so lucky to have been born this way. I go to university, I have a family, I have friends, I'm doing okay in school, everything is fine.

I thought that maybe it was the stress of school making me nervous or anxious and making me tired. I thought that if I just get through it, everything will get better. But with every test or exam or semester or year that passes, even though I've made it passed it, I still feel just as lost, stuck, sad, hopeless.

I have friends. They help me out sometimes when I'm stuck on a question in school, or sometimes they'll give me food, or make me laugh. They're mostly good people and we share a lot of values and beliefs, and the ones we don't, we're okay with that. But I can't help but feel like I have to be okay around them. In fact when I'm not, it seems like no one notices anyway. I want someone to ask me if I'm okay, but instead they just keep away.

To them, I'm happy, sarcastic, energetic, etc. So how can I be sad or down or tired and still be their friend when that's not what they signed up for? They have their own struggles that are a thousand times worse than mine and they're still powering through it all. But how come I can't overcome this sadness when there aren't any real problems anyway? If I tell them I'm not okay, or if I don't make jokes or laugh, I'm just a burden. Why would they want to be friends with me if I have nothing to offer?

Sometimes I'm feeling really bad and I just want to be hugged. Sometimes I consider talking to my roommate, one of my closer friends. But she has her own problems. Her boyfriend is on the other side of the world for months and surely she's more lonely than I am. So how can I complain to her? How can I be so cruel? So I just pretend I'm happy and fine.

I haven't spoken with her in a few days. I think she hates me or is mad at me. But I can't bring myself to face her right now. Not when I've spent the last two days crying to myself because I feel so alone.

Aside from that, everyone I try to reach out to stops responding. Maybe it's just the way I approach it. Maybe they can't imagine me being serious about something like this. So it's just a joke and they turn away because it's not funny. And really, I'm not laughing either.

I feel so alone.

I think I'll never be happy. I can't imagine myself happy, I can't remember myself happy. I don't know what it feels like to be happy. There seems like there's nothing that will fix this and I can't tell what I need to feel better. I feel like I've already taken enough from the generosity of the people around me. That's all I ever do, take things away from others who deserve it more.

And I can't imagine I'll ever be loved. In any sense, really; romantically, as a friend, as family. I don't think I will. What do I have to offer to anyone?

I’ve realized, over and over again, that I hate myself. I hate myself for taking from the people that matter to me, for causing the unhappiness of those around me, for being in the way of everyone else. I hate myself because I’m here and I have a life with so much opportunity but I’ll inevitably waste it because I’m not worth it. I hate myself because if anyone else had my life, they would be so great and I hate that I took this life, this opportunity, away from someone else who actually deserves it. I hate being myself and I hate myself and I hate myself and I hate myself I hate myself I hate I hate I hate myself so so much.

I'm so tired now, of trying so hard for nothing. Nothing will change, I will never be happy. I don’t deserve to be happy. So what's the point?

[commontime16-blog]

the water is too hot

I’ve suffered from depression, low self-esteem, and anxiety for five years now. For five years now I’ve cut myself and whenever I looked in the mirror, I hated everything that I saw. I kept myself distracted by joining several different extra cirriculars but I still went home every day dissatisfied with myself, with my work, and with my relationships. I dated a few people for months on end knowing that one day, I’d have to hurt them and be honest with the fact that the relationship just wasn’t making me happy. It tired me out and all the people I found myself attracted to depended on me so much to the point where I would break down at home in my room after spending such a lovely evening with them. The feeling of trying to be as quiet as possible as you sob into your pillow is like none other. It’s hollow. Because you know that if you’re too loud, your mom will come in and will be horrified at the sight of how broken you are in that moment. She’ll see the cuts on your hips, because that’s a logical place to hide them, and she’ll be crushed. Then your dad will walk in and yell and scream and ask God why his own daughter cannot be normal. You’ll just sob harder as your parents begin to shout at one another out of confusion because they thought that everything they were doing was right. But in reality, your father verbally abused you since you can remember and your mother judged you as you tried to turn into the person that you believed you are. 

You do it in the shower. It stings when the hot water hits your skin, but it’s easier to hide from everyone else. You feel nothing as the blood streams down your leg and onto the shower floor, staining the water a pale pink. You’re not even truly aware of what you’re doing to yourself. You’re not aware of how it’s hurting those who you’ve told and even the ones who don’t know. It’s not selfish. It’s quite the opposite. You deserve it. You deserve the pain that those who I’ve hurt have felt. You hate yourself. Every time you look in the mirror, you see something that’s like a monster. You’re fat, ugly, disgusting, and so much more. You think to yourself, how could anyone even look at me? The people who support you are no longer there in that moment. They do not exist. All it is is just your mangled up brain; a flower garden overrun and choked out by weeds. 

You’re scared. You’re scared of every looming thought of what if your parents find out or what if the school finds out. You’re scared of every triggering phrase or picture that might send you spiraling out of control in the worst of times. But most of all...

You’re scared of getting help. 

[asmm-brett]

Wow.... Raw and brutal.. I can imagine. “That’s what we want to celebrate. Some of the brightest most creative minds have been touched by mental illness,” Ranallo said. “I don't understand why it’s taken this long to get to this point. There is a beauty, a lot to be celebrated. Why don’t we celebrate and nurture instead of sweeping it under the rug?” -Mauro Ranallo Are you watching "Bipolar Rock 'N' Roller" NOW on Showtime?! ___ #mauroranallo #bipolarrocknroller #curestigma #stigmafree #bipolar #bipolarstrong #notalone #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #bpd #celebritymentalhealth #showtime #nami #mentalhealthmatters #changementalhealth #bethechange #mentalhealthmonth #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #endingthesilence #ok2talk #ok2notBok #intomentalhealth #fightstigma #nostigmas #endthestigma #stampoutstigma #realconvo #B4Stage4 #invisibleillness

[joyron]

It won't stop no matter what. I give up

[danpellysuicidewarrior]

#another #day #to #win #stay #determined  #never #give #in #and #nevergiveup #video #trend #trendy #chooselife #live  https://youtu.be/GlIQfEW3l1k

“Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern. Just the slow erosion of the self, as insidious as any cancer. And, like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience. A room in hell with only your name on the door.”

—

[look-the-girl-with-broken-smile]

The good people.

[danpellysuicidewarrior]

#yourlifematters #you #have #a #purpose #find #your #mission #happiness #follows #nevergiveup #video #trend #socialmedia #suicideprevention #chooselife https://youtu.be/GlIQfEW3l1k

[grapplers-and-doubleguns]

It's coming back

It's coming back again and I can feel it and I see the signs and I'm trying my fucking hardest to stop it... flailing and trying to grasp at whatever I can latch onto to stop myself from falling but I know I'm starting to slip and even though I'm not giving up this time, i know pretty soon I'll get tired and then what?

[intimatemermaid-blog]

If you need someone to talk to and it's hard to talk to Tumblr friends because of time zones and work schedules, there's always someone who wants to listen, someone who can try to help. ok2talk.org @oktotalk