#ok tmi hour over

[moraygrotto]

wait stomach growls also got a nomination & i forgot to put that one in..... if applicable i will include them by default💪

[riddlelily]

TMI but WHO UP GETTING HER PMS AFTER HER FIRST PREGNANCY SCARE

[pepprs]

hi update things are fucking terrible and my eyes hurt from sobbing. lol

[taegimood]

Ok...toughts are being toughted (?

Imagine riding Soobin, you wearing nothing but one of his shirts, your pretty nipples all hard and perking under the soft fabric, he's such a sweating and whimpering mess underneath you, his big-ass hands wrapping around your waist, tighs, hips, his cold fingers starting to touch your titts under the shirt, he's kissing your neck while filling you with his thick cum...OMG NEED

–😺

HI NONNIE ITS DELULU HOURS I SEE 👹

riding soobin is such a recurring thought in my lil horndog noggin… such a fitting position w him imo

ugh he’s SO big so you just drown in his shirts, looking so tiny and feeding his size kink to the max 😩 sometimes makes you put on his clothes just to fuck you in them… bunching a handful of it in his fist and using it as leverage to guide you on his cock as he watches himself slide in and out of your pussy hhbnnfdfffggg-

he’s all over you, his hands trying to touch every inch of your soft skin while you move desperately on top of him, he reaches up under the shirt to grasp at your tits and his huge hands just completely cover them no matter how big they may be.. (tmi(?) my boobs are so small and sometimes i’m sad wondering if soobin would like them enough as if he’d ever even see them in the first place LMAOO 😭)

anyway i’m picturing him leaning up to rest his weight on one of his arms while the other wraps around your waist, your own arms going around his neck as you clutch onto each other while your pace quickens rapidly and you’re both just a whiny panting mess as you get closer to your highs.. not even caring about keeping a steady rhythm anymore, both of you just so desperate to get off.. soobin sloppily mouthing at your neck while he holds you down firmly on his cock and fills you up so good and full as your little body trembles on top of him in his big shirt 😖 sigh

[skunkes]

ok detailed surgery experience

i made this schedule (?) of the major events as soon as I left while I cld still remember (and still kinda forgot!) i like knowing the Times of stuff so I asked my dad to take note of Times for me, and tried to ask for the time where i could

surgery I got was a laproscopic bilateral salpingectomy, full removal of the fallopian tubes only!

Misc details off of dis, obviously TMI territory as its a medical procedure.

The second blood draw (they took blood from me yesterday tooooo) hurt less and more somehow. Nasty nasty bruise forming.

IV really was the worst part of it ! I'd get weird throbs of frustrating pain long after it was in

I was given compression stockings that went right up to my crotch. Your toes stick out, and they put hospital socks over your feet. Some additional compress wraps were placed above my knees.

Pre op/prep didnt take too long at all. I know I have it listed as over an hour of waiting, which always made me nervous to read in other people's experiences, but it doesn't really feel like waiting. The TV helps pass the time, as do the people who are with you if any, and the nurses popping in with help or instructions or updates. The prep room was small and the bathroom was next door. The double doors open to wheel you out. Remote was given toe to control the TV and also call the nurses via a speaker.

The nurse who wheeled me in was nicest, she pronounced my name Correctly and was also really funny and friendly...

In general I knew this surgery was going to go well because I was actually able to fall asleep last night. I've stayed awake/tossed and turned for events far less stressful. Dis was also due to part of it kind of not feeling real for me! And being wheeled into surgery room added to that! It didnt feel real, it felt like watching one of many scenes from medical media of the same point of view.

I did start quaking and shaking once in the surgery room (also small, I did not look around much in fear of it making me panic last minute!)

They had me scoot from the prep bed to the surgery table. There was a pink foam headrest for me to slot the back of my head into. They strap you in with arms out like ur being crucified and thats when it became more Real for me so i started shaking a lot, but I can't tell how bad it was under the heavy blankets. I think I shook more and for longer when I went for my MRI (which also isnt/wasnt scary but the body freaks out for no reason). Im surprised at myself for being so Calm ykwim

Anyway, strapped in, had monitoring stuff stickered onto my body: my sternum, side of body under chest/armpits, and another pair I cant remember where. Hair was put up in hair net. My hospital gown was untied as the tie starts halfway across your body and goes under, but this was not done in an invasive-to-privacy way, and I was still fully covered by it (and then recovered by blankets)

(3 separate people asked me how many kids I had throughout this whole venture, and were Shocked at my response. This was the other most nerve wracking part as I started to get weirdly anxious that someone wouldn't like this and cancel my surgery or something. One of the Askers was the anesthesiologist.) Doctor/surgeon came in and asked if i was ready and talked about how he loved being under anesthesia LOL. Everybody was speaking about their opinions about childbirth and sterilization and parenthood, but amongst each other and not to influence my decision, along with telling each other to set up XYZ. Once again everybody is charmed by Cheye's usage of the word "yay"

Ive never had surgery before, so I was worried about anesthesia. In my mind i was imagining it to be being fully lucid and then your vision darkens and takes you, which was scary to me like i dont wanna be freaking out and then immediately KNOCKED out!

But it was gradual which actually made it more calming for me...the funny nurse put the oxygen mask over me, I got very nervous bc she said to take deep breaths and honestly i couldnt even breath much at all in it, and breathing out also felt very restricting and like I was going to choke, but it wasn't Distressing. I just breathed slowly and it worked anyway.

In a few seconds I felt a cool tingle in my arm that then sort of burst into my torso, and my whole body felt really light and my eyelids draggggggged half closed, but it felt very mechanical and involuntarily (like slowly closing window blinds...or like how the brightness options on a 3DS are numbered buttons ykwim? Like, Closing 1, Closing 2, Closing 3, Closed Halfway, all pressed in quick succession). Heavy heavy heavy. I stayed in that half closed state for a while! (Probably not even a full minute, but it also wasn't instant...i still had time to think and Hear conversation etc, as well as feel that there was some mechanical thing tightening around my spread arms along with the hand adjusted straps)

The funny nurse was telling me to relax and have sweet dreams and that they wld take care of me and such. And then I was out. I do not remember my vision fully fading or eyes fully closing, in my mind they stayed in that half closed state.

Ive heard ppl say it feels like blinking and waking up, but it did feel like sleep to me!!!! I know dreaming under anesthesia isn't really a thing, but waking up felt like....i was really waking up like normal and trying to remember traces of a dream after several hours of sleep.

I always thought it was silly seeing ppl ask if the surgery was over when they come out of it, but I did that. But like i swear it came out involuntarily??? Like i knew it was over....i think it was because I couldnt really SEE anything when i woke up, I could only hear staff speaking to me, and I can barely remember what they said. Vision was VERY very blurred. So I guess that question came out as substitute for Where Am I, and Who's Here With Me? Speaking felt like when audio unsyncs from a video, with my voice trailing far behind my words. I also remember being really bewildered bc there was some sort of residue on my lips, like when they're chapped and dry and cracking. I learned later this was bc of the intubation but i Didnt Know That Yet so i was just scared and thirsty.

Adding another "pain was less bad than the average period which has one Doubled Over" statement to the pile. Pain was at 3/10 or 4/10, which is to say if period pain is a whole abdomen event, this pain was small little bruises occasionally being brushed up against, just small throbs of sore pain in the 3 incision spots. I got an incision inside my belly button and that was the most present sensation, but that might also be bc I hate anything having to do with that area in general 😭 always feels weird.

My throat felt very DRY. It wasn't pain yet, it felt like when you're thirsty + dehydrated and your lips stick together at any slight moisture, but in the throat. Kept trying to look around and wiggle my fingers and toes in hopes that'd help me Come Out Of It sooner bc not being able to see was really frustrating me. I could not make out the face of the person watching over me for some time. I really wanted water !

HORROR when the person looking over me said i had a catheter still in me. Nightmare I wasnt counting on actually happening and wasnt mentally prepared for. I was told I would have one placed (make sure to ask if this is a concern for you!) but i thought they'd take it out before I woke up... I cldnt even feel it in me when I was told this! Which is good.

The staff of course had to remove blankets and open my gown a bit to access the area. But I did not feel any distress about this at the time.

Had a very funny slow motion distress response bracing self for removal. It did not hurt or sting at all, it just felt like [something I cant describe here]. Just pressure! It was pulled out gently but quickly of course.

After 1 hr i was wheeled to a separate private recovery room. The nurse uncovered my lower area to check if incisions were doing good so far as well as to check if I had been provided with a pad/underwear, as some patients have blood or other fluids come out as a result of the surgery.

parents came in, was so grateful for juice but in dismay over my food item being orange (i dont like citrus flavor) jello (i dont like jello 😭) i consumed all of both.

I also worried I'd feel weird about throwing my body parts away. But I dont feel anything ^_^ just feels very awesome and natural

Sore throat started further developing. Nurse came in after some time here, taught me how to Get Up. Was scary! I was worried about it hurting, but it was just more soreness.

Was able to go to the bathroom, went a very little bit but it was enough. I was very scared about seeing my incisions and being disgusted by them....but I caught a glance and it was Okey Yey. They are covered in surgical Glue and dont look gnarly, swollen, red or anything they look very cool ^_^ got dressed in stages as there was nothing to set clothes down on and sat back down on the bed. The bathroom connected to another room where somebody else was preparing for surgery.

Nurse came in with final post op instructions, upon describing nausea to me my skin got cold, stomach activated and krusty krab exploded with it. She was just barely able to get me a bag to throw up in. This exacerbated the throat pain. She encouraged me to get it all out especially since I also expelled gas, which is a good thing.

IV removal didnt hurt! Same level of pain as the tape around it being yanked off. I couldn't even tell it was over. I was wheeled out of the hospital. ^_^ i wore an oversized dress my sister lent me, and cheap target sandals so I wouldnt have to bend to tie shoes. My dad pulled up the car right outside. I brought a pillow to be a barrier in between the seat belt and my stomach.

Its 6:48 neow and I am laying down, but the pain is (currently) the same. I had another nausea (and release. Also exacerbated throat pain.) spell (while in walmart picking up the pain meds), was boiling alive in my very hot room, and was a bit dehydrated which may have contributed to some misery and nausea but as of right now I'm ok, i changed into lighter clothes, drank water, ate a bit, and situated self in a room with ac....i worry about getting up and becoming nauseous again 😭 i hate throwing up.

People are right about it being more discomfort than pain! You have to walk around every few hours, and it doesnt hurt but every step feels like my bellybutton is kinda pinching inward. Being tugged at from the inside. Ive gotten to a point where even chuckling makes me feel this very Sour soreness (not regular dull soreness) so maybe ill start the meds soon if necessary.... Squatting to sit doesnt hurt in a debilitating way, neither does actually sitting or putting on/stepping into clothing.

I couldnt nap because laying on my side doesnt hurt the incisions or anything, BUT its just the strange discomfort again. The weight of gravity on the body makes the incision sites feel very very weird in an abstract way i cant describe. It isnt pain. It feels like a mismatched sensation of some sort. Like if you touched your nose and somehow felt the touch on your knee. Adjacent to this. A very specific sensation sits in all the incision sites and drags down through your mattress to the ground and it feels Weird.

If you get up properly it really doesn't hurt to do so! Use your leg to get yourself fully onto your side, then use your arm to push yourself up into a sitting position.

I am very nervous from when all the good strong hospital meds wear off t_t i heard the day after is a struggle because of dis. but ive got the prescribed pain management on hand (extra strength ibuprofen and tylenol with codeine!! O_O) neow at least ^_^;

OH, AND THE DOCTOR TOOK FOTOS OF MY INSIDES LIKE I ASKED! ^_^ 🫶 I have glossy printed souvenir now! I dont exactly know wtf im looking at but its awesum LOL maybe i will ask for details at the follow up!

[dufferpuffer]

Do you think lupin and tonks were sleeping together before HBP? I’ve seen some fics write their relationship timeline like that and while I appreciate that version I’m not sure it makes sense to me from what we’re shown and with how I see lupins character, but maybe I’m wrong idk

YES I DO. Remus is a man of... 'explosive' bad decisions. He tries to prevent things but at a time of excitement he goes with the flow.

- He allows himself to go on nighttime walkabouts with his friends despite knowings its wrong every month. - He procrastinates on his potions and runs off to face Sirius Black. - He quits his job rather than stick it out with the support of most of the school kids and Dumbledore.

A woman is attracted to him. She is flirting and forward and sweet and funny and understanding and oh so cool and cute and lovely and pretty - He 'knows' he shouldn't... ...But he has never been too good at resisting things. He is more of a 'do the thing and regret it forever' sort of man.

I can't remember when Tonks announces her intentions to marry/woo Remus, but to do so without at least fucking him for awhile first... its just unrealistic. It would paint her as more childish and I just don't think that's her characterization: She is a little immature but is a capable woman. She isn't made out to be a fool. Just eager.

Remus, also, starts taking the toughest, most suicidal missions just to get away from her. That isn't because she is too pushy. Ok maybe it is a little. But it is mainly because she is too damn tempting! You don't throw yourself to the wolves unless you're trying to get away from something BIG. I think that big thing is that her affection and understanding is too strong for him - when they are together they fuck like jackrabbits. ..And eventually, they start fucking like a mated couple of wolves.

And how difficult for Tonks... When they are together he is hot-and-cold. He crawls into her arms and her bed like a lover but also acts like she is a poison, she is terrible to him, he would rather die...

Pregnancy isn't that easy to achieve if you are baseline careful. Women are only able to be impregnated like 48 hours a month, max - and even then with the healthiest people its a 1/3 chance at best.

He accidentally gets her pregnant. They were being so 'explosive' and irresponsible that it was an ACCIDENT. I have been having unprotected sex for 10 years via simply tracking my ovulation and never gotten pregnant once. Sorry if thats TMI - but it really isnt that hard to avoid pregnancy, aside from freak accidents. Maybe they had a freak accident. But being irresponsible is in Remus' blood and breath - as is 'being eager' in Tonks' blood.

I think Remus would have resistance to Tonks coming onto him, but caved relatively easily in a moment of weakness... and then continued to cave, over and over again. That is what was so magnetic about their relationship for eachother: Their moments of deep passion and affection, wrenched apart by Remus' cold feet. That's why Tonks announced her will to 'have' him publicly: To pull him in for good. To have those passionate moments forever.

That's just what I think, anyway. Tonks could handle his lust and energy on a Waxing Gibbous, be tender and affectionate on a Waning Gibbous.. and damn normal on a New Moon. How the can Remus resist someone who can handle him at his worst - and adore him at his best...?

[filthyjoetini]

Stumblin' In

a/n: Part 2! Enjoy! Likes, reblogs and feedback are always welcome. The usual thank you goes out to @barfightzanddiscolightz for taking her time to beta read and edit and giving input <3

warnings: none

wordcount: 2.6k

part 1 - part 3 - part 4

Part 2

Just as you had finally made yourself somewhat comfortable in the unforgiving embrace of the hospital bed, your bladder made itself known once again. Groaning, you pressed the call button for the fifth time in the past three hours. How much can one person piss? Stupid I.V. drip, you thought to yourself.

-

When they had first wheeled you into the emergency room, you were quickly surrounded by a flurry of nurses and a doctor. They had palpated your neck and spine as well as the back of your head and damn, did it hurt like a bitch. Because of your reaction to the examination and to be on the safe side, the doctor had ordered an x-ray of your neck, spine, and ribs.

You had immediately been pushed out of the emergency room, down a very long and bright corridor and into the x-ray room. In the x-ray room, you had bravely endured the examination, even squeezing your eyes shut, despite the x-ray technician telling you that nothing would happen. Your inner child, however, was hoping for at least one laser beam. Later, you blamed the concussion for your strange behaviour.

Back at the ER, the doctor had checked your results and fortunately found nothing more than a big bump and that your obvious concussion could be diagnosed. Additionally, they had confirmed what the paramedics had already told you: you would have to stay in the hospital for at least a 24-hour observation, and the worst part of it all was that you were not allowed to eat. So, they had put you on a drip, which fed you all the nutrients and medication directly into your bloodstream. The actual procedure turned out to be a mammoth task. It had taken them several tries to find a vein, and when they finally did, they had managed to pop one, turning your arm all bruised and blue. It looked like someone had twisted your arm.

-

“Hi. Do you need to go to the toilet again?”, the nurse asked with a smile, as she stepped into the room.

You nodded and pushed yourself up a little. Immediately, the nurse was at your side, tutting you.

“Dear, I’ve told you not to overexert yourself. I’m here to help you with that. Come on, take my arm.”

You grabbed her arm, and she pulled you into a standing position before taking the IV pole in her other hand and slowly leading you to the small adjacent bathroom.

Once the nurse had brought you back to your bed, you decided to scroll through TikTok, which you got bored with rather quickly. You thought about calling your best friend and your dad again but decided against it. Firstly, because they had both been alerted by the lady at the desk after she had entered you in the system, that you had been admitted to the hospital. You had insisted on giving her both names and phone numbers as emergency contacts and so they had both been waiting for you in your room as soon as ER had transferred you. Secondly, because it was already nearing midnight, and you were sure that they both would be asleep by now.

Before you closed your contact list, you saw it again. The short three-letter name that had only been on the list for a few hours: Joe.

Gingerly, you tapped on the name and a new iMessage chat opened.

Hey...

The three dots immediately appeared, and you almost threw your phone at the wall opposite your bed.

Hi there. How are you?

Blushing, you began typing your reply, your fingers gliding thoughtlessly over your phone’s touchscreen.

I’m fine, all things considered. I have to stay for a 24-hour observation, and I’m not allowed to eat solid food. They have me on a drip, which makes me piss like a horse...

Oh wow. Sorry to hear that 😉

Oh no! Oh fuck. Totally TMI.

Sorry! That was TMI!

Haha. No worries.

Chewing on your lips, you started typing again. You had one burning question to ask him.

OK. Cool. Um. Also. HOW THE HECK DID YOU PUT YOUR NUMBER INTO MY PHONE? DID YOU HACK IT?

Hahaha...do you seriously think I could hack a phone?

Yes?! I mean, it could be your job for all I know!

Hahaha. It’s far from what I do for a living.

Your phone was unlocked. I believe you turned off your auto-lock-thingy or whatever...

You quickly opened your settings, and he was absolutely right, you had it turned off. Snorting, you reopened the chat.

Wow there, IT-God, you were right.

IT-God...good one, Humpty Dumpty.

Stop calling me that!

What else am I supposed to call you. I don’t know your name. You’re Humpty Dumpty in my phone now.

Omg...noooo.

What’s your name, Bambi on ice?

Another one? Is he serious?, you thought with a groan but, quickly let him know your name.

Alright, changed it. See! *attachment*

Smiling at the visual confirmation, you let out a small yawn. Your eyes suddenly became very heavy.

I’m going to get some shut eye, I’m really tired.

Totally understandable. You had a rough day.

Bye Joe x

Bye...sleep tight. Keep me updated. x

---

You woke up from what you considered was the worst night’s sleep you had ever had. If it wasn’t the weird position you were forced to sleep in waking you, it was when a nurse would come check on you from time to time or help you when you needed to use the loo for the gazillionth time.

You were relieved when morning finally came. The first thing the nurse did, was to take you off the I.V. That meant no more peeing every 30 minutes. Thank fuck. She even brought you a small, stomach-friendly breakfast and informed you that the doctor would come by to discharge you soon.

Less than an hour later, the pleasant doctor handed you the discharge form as well as a prescription to take to the hospital pharmacy. You hadn’t shown any unusual symptoms which meant that your brain was working as intended. Therefore, the doctor decided that you could leave the hospital early.

Quickly, you informed your best friend and your dad about the good news, and they both asked you if they should come and pick you up. You told them they didn’t need to; you could find your way home just fine. Your dad, in his usual dad-manner, replied with a thumbs-up emoji whilst your best friend sent you the side-eye one. You knew exactly what she meant with it. Girl, if you fall again, I’ll kick your arse.

You chuckled and exited the message feed when another one caught your eye. It was the one you had started with Joe yesterday. His last message taunted you. He had asked you to keep him updated. So, you did.

Hey Joe!

Hey Tumbleina!

Stop it!

I’m being discharged early!

That’s great news! When?

You hurriedly checked your form. It said that you needed to pick up your medication from the in-house pharmacy and that it would be ready for pick-up at 12:45pm, which was in an hour from now.

I’m still waiting for my medication to be ready for collection which won’t be until 12:45...so, I think around 1-ish?

Cool! 👍

Yeah, I’m glad. Can’t wait to crawl into my bed.

I bet. Hospital beds are the worst.

Tell me about it.

Anyway, I thought I’d let you know. Because you were so adamant about it.

Thank you, very considerate of you to keep me, your saviour, in the loop.

You laughed out loud at his reply and responded with a series of laughing emojis before putting your phone down on the bed.

Too hastily, you changed out of your hospital gown and into your clothes. Your dad had brought you an overnight bag with comfortable clothes when he had come to visit you yesterday. However, the quick movement was too much for your bruised body and you hissed in pain. Slow down, you scolded yourself and continued to get ready at a slower pace.

You packed your few belongings into your duffle bag, cautiously slung it over your shoulder, and quickly glanced back to make sure you hadn’t forgotten anything.

When you arrived in the lobby, the receptionist asked you to wait in the waiting area until your name was called. Nodding, you sauntered over to the nearest available seat and ungraciously plopped down onto it. You retrieved your phone from your joggers to kill some time. You read the news and played some word-based online games.

You were just about to solve a rather tricky one when your name was suddenly called. Letting out a sigh that you hadn’t really intend to let out, you got up and trudged over to the chemist’s counter. The old lady behind it handed you a small plastic bag with your medication. It was ibuprofen and some sort of gel that you were supposed to rub on your neck and back. How you were supposed to do that yourself was beyond you. You quietly thanked the old lady who gave you a dismissive nod in return.

Slowly, you turned around and walked away from the counter towards the hospital’s exit. You were just checking your next tube connections on your phone when you heard someone clear their throat. Looking up, you saw a man standing by the litter bin, tapping his cigarette into the bin’s built-in ashtray. Why was this man trying to get your attention?

You squinted at him and all he did was stare back at you, with big brown chocolate button eyes. You let out a loud gasp.

“Joe?”

“Hey there, Bambi. Good to see you up and about.”, he chuckled, as he took the last drag of his cigarette.

“What the hell are you doing here?”, you asked in complete bewilderment, entirely ignoring his nickname for you and taking quick steps towards him.

Putting out his cigarette, he let out another chuckle.

“Well, I thought I could take you home...you know, make sure you don’t stumble over your own feet and fall again.”

“What makes you think I don’t have a ride home?”, you inquired, your hand now on your hip and his smile instantly began to falter.

“Oh shit! I didn’t think of that! Do you?”

“Nah.”, you giggled and he visibly relaxed, but his cheeks already held a red, embarrassed tint. “My dad and bestie asked me if they could come pick me up, but I declined.”, you continued. “It’s only a couple stops on the tube.”

“A few stops too many, if you ask me.”, Joe concluded, back on his confidence-track. He took a few steps towards you and held out his arms to you. “Let me accompany you home.”

“Fiiiine.”, you groaned, rolling your eyes and eventually linking your arm with his. “You’re insufferable.”

---

Your 20-minute ride home was the most eventful tube journey you had ever had. Joe made sure you held on to every railing, and if there wasn’t one available, his arm. He fussed over you like an overprotective boyfriend, which made your cheeks flush a little. No, you gotta stop thinking like that. He’s just helping!, you reminded yourself, shaking your head to get rid of those intrusive thoughts.

Still arm in arm with Joe, you exited the tube station closest to your block of flats and led the way down the street towards it.

“This is me.”, you announced, suddenly shy as you began to slow down your pace. Joe smiled down at you and let go of your arm.

“Nice house.”, he looked up at it. It was anything but nice. It was one of those ugly buildings straight out of the seventies and most of its residents had lived there since the beginning.

“Ah...it’s nothing. Most of my neighbours are elderly people. I basically live in a retirement home.”, you chuckled lowly, and Joe’s grin grew wider.

“Could be worse.”, Joe determined. “You could have a funeral parlour on the ground level.”

You gave him a puzzled, questioning look.

“Not that I have a funeral parlour in the building I live in.”, Joe clarified, giggling softly. “I just think that’s worse than living with the elderly.”

“You’re very strange, Joe.”, you snorted, shaking your head again.

“I’ve been told that before.”, he smiled broadly and shoved his hands into his trouser pockets.

“Hmmm...”, you hummed, glancing quickly at him. His eyes were fixed on your face, and you quickly averted your gaze.

“Uhm...thank you.”, you started, blushing once more. “For helping me yesterday and bringing me home just now. I really don’t know how I could make it up to you.”

“Hmmm...”, he copied you. Wanker. Then his face lit up like a thousand suns. “You know what? You could make it up to me by going on a date with me.”

Snorting, you threw your head back in laughter and rolled your eyes at him. When you looked at him again you saw him looking at you with anticipation. His big puppy eyes on full display. Fuck.

“Aaaalright. I’ll go on a date with you.”, you relented. How could you not? He could ask anything of you with those fucking adorable eyes.

“Brilliant!”, he replied, grinning from ear to ear, pulling you into his arms. Stunned, you wrapped your arms around him as well. He smelled just like he had yesterday: so damn good. Who needs air when you could live off his smell?

When he, too soon for your liking, pulled back a little, he winked at you and said: “I’ll let you know when and where.”

Gently, he let go of you completely and you nodded in agreement, head still too wrapped up in his scent to give him a vocal response.

“Shall I help you upstairs or are you good?”

“Huh?...”, you questioned, not quite hearing what he had said but since his thumb was pointing at your door you assumed you knew what was asking.

“Oh...uhm. I’m good. Thanks though.”, you smiled and slowly stepped towards the entrance of the house.

“Perfect.”, Joe said with a nod and slowly took a few steps back. “I’ll text you.”

“Yeah, alright. Let me know, when you get home.”, you requested without thinking, whilst rummaging through your duffle bag. Then you saw it, his trench coat. Before he could respond to your demand, you gasped and shouted:

“Joe! Wait!”

“Huh?”, he questioned, swiftly turning around and walking back to where you were.

“Your coat!”, you clarified, pulling it out of the duffle bag. Luckily, for once, it wasn’t accompanied by its other contents which would have spilled out all over the floor any other day.

Joe looked at you, confusion evident on his face but then he saw you pull out the familiar fabric and he suddenly remembered.

“Oh right! I gave it to you.”, he chuckled, and you carefully placed the coat in his outstretched hands, “Thank you.”

“It’s nothing.”, you dismissed him with a polite smile, “you asked for it back and I gave it back.”

Your pathetic attempt at indifference didn’t go unnoticed and it made him grin from ear to ear. Then he skilfully threw the coat over his shoulder and took the three steps down the stairs backwards, eyes locked with yours

You put your key in the lock and opened the door, bashful eyes on his now slowly retreating figure.

“Joe…let me know when you’re home, yeah?”, you repeated your request, just loud enough for him to hear.

“Will do. Bye, Bambi.”, he returned, almost shouting as he waved at you.

“Bye Joe.”, you called back, louder than him, rolling your eyes at his repeated use of the new nickname he had given you. Giggling, because to be honest, you thought the name was very cute, you entered your house and gently closed the door behind you.

---

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crossed out = couldn't tag

[satureja13]

The TukTuk with Jack and Kiyoshi on board was still flying through the rain - following the train Sai, Jeb and Vlad rode in. It's been hours already - and Jack was just marveling again over how cool Demon/Deity Kiyoshi was. And how happy he is that they sorted it out somehow, and that they are able to be friends/mates after all that had happened between them - when lightning struck the TukTuk! It crashed in a weird kind of swamp - and Jack felt a searing pain in his chest. The TukTuk was slowly sinking...

Luckily not Jack and Kiyoshi. Kiyoshi dragged Jack over on solid ground. Jack: "Are you ok? Where are we?" Kiyoshi: "Uh - Jack? I... I'm fine..." The strike from the lightning ignited a strange super awareness in Kiyoshi. He hadn't felt so woke since before he left the Temple - and Jack - and went to Kojin's realm, to become one with the tree. Decades ago.

They were soaked wet. Jack: "What now? We lost the TukTuk..." Kiyoshi was just about to try to get the TukTuk out of that swamp in the cool Yoda manner, to impress Jack (where Yoda lifted the X-Wing out of the swamp at Dagobah)...

...when they heard Saiwa yell. Oh, the others are here! So they hadn't been far from their final destination as it seems. And there is also Ms Coombes! (She'd been the Boys' teacher at Belgraves Institute. And Choongang Highschool.) Apparently the swamp was just sitting next to a little village ^^'

Sai: "Omg Jack! I'm so sorry I forgot you!" Jack: "Awww, don't worry. My good mate Kiyoshi and I had an amazing flight!" Luckily it had stopped to rain.

Jack took a look around: "Wow! Where are we?" Saiwa: "Verdantis. It even lies beyond the Otherworld. No one will get a grip on us here." This is the place where Ms Coombes, Francine (Jeb's grandmother) and Dtui (Kiyoshi's mentor) went to school back in their days! And where Jeb found his horse, Valerian. (TMI: and we also had a short gameplay 'story' here with adult Vlad and a few others. A little lot tour is -> here)

They went over to the 'Screaming Mandrake'.

Ms Coombes: "First of all: Ji Ho is here. We brought him to the Hospital Wing and put him to sleep. All his memories and feelings hit him at once. So he needs some time to process and to adjust. We also needed to silence your bond, to not overload him further. I know this must be hard for you, Vlad. Endure it for Ji Ho, won't you."

Vlad was near to tears again, but he drew in a shaky breath and said : "I will." He would endure everything for Ji Ho.

Ms Coombes: "You might know that this place here is our magical school and grounds. Me and some other professors are going to teach you how to protect and defend yourselves against the Siren's Songs and other spells. You also have a lot of other subjects to keep up with, since you never finished highschool... It will take your professors a lot of their power to reside here. It's already hard enough to stay in the Otherworld for longer - and this realm is much further beyond the Veil. So don't pester them, be grateful and study hard. Understood?" Saiwa: "Understood." Ms Coombes: "It should not be that draining for you, though. You already lived in the Otherworld for so many months now. And you have Vlad and Kiyoshi with you - hopefully Ji Ho will assist them soon to keep you here."

From the Beginning 🔱 Underwater Love 🔱 Latest

Current Chapter: 'Here comes the Sun' from the beginning ▶️ here Last Chapter: 'Who killed Jack?' from the beginning ▶️ here

📚 Previous Chapters: Chapters: 1-6 ~ 7-12 ~ 13-16 ~ 17-22 ~ 23-28

Outtakes We were lucky with the lightnings again! So cool 🌩

Sai when it finally stopped to rain 🌦

[thegreymoon]

The Story of Minglan

I have so much work to do, it isn't even funny, and here I am, doing none of it. So, instead of just sitting in front of my computer and letting anxiety eat me up, I'm going to see how married life is treating Minglan.

I have three shows that I am actively watching right now. It's a battle to choose which one to watch at any given time. The struggle is real 😫

***

Well, he's feeling energetic the morning after 😅

***

LMAO, OK, so I know that the implication here is that he has great stamina and wore her out, but, honestly, my first thought was that she must have been doing all the physical work of their first night together, so she's now tired and he's up and about doing acrobatics 🤣🤣

***

LMAO, I'm on her side here!

Sleep above all!

To hell with the shitty in-laws.

***

What a thing to tell your newly-wedded wife!

Yikes 😬

***

LMAOOOO 🤣🤣

Hopefully he, ahem, learned other skills at the brothel instead 🤣🤣

He's so fully of nonsense, I cannot 🤣🤣

***

Ugh, these vipers.

The sooner they move out, the better.

***

Who?

***

AGAIN, WHO??

Honestly, my stance for this drama is that anyone who wants to commit suicide should be allowed to 🙄

***

Wait, is she implying that Gu Tingye is sleeping with this woman?

Because, seriously? SERIOUSLY??

Now they are straight-up lying to stir up trouble in their marriage! AND THIS IS, LIKE, THE FIRST DAY!! 🤬🤬

Minglan, don't be an idiot. Don't believe them!

***

Oh, and the lot of you are soooooo worried about how some random servant who is sleeping with the master of the house is going to live 🙄🙄

I cannot with the what-the-fuckery on display here 🤬🤬

GU TINGYE, WHERE ARE YOU?

THIS IS SLANDER!!

***

Even if any of this was true, WHO GIVES A FUCK??

OK, so, personal story time. Skip for TMI, or something. IDC.

When I was nineteen, I was living away from home for the first time in a dormitory and I had these roommates. I was a very stupid, naive, sexually inexperienced, frontal-cortex-still-entirely-udeveloped nineteen. I was studying architecture, the hours were ridiculous, the living conditions were atrocious (and I mean no hot water, communal toilets for the entire floor, no privacy whatsoever, perpetually drunk, eternally partying next-door neighbours bringing creepy men over, it was absolute hell with no recourse) and I was really, really struggling to keep afloat.

My self-esteem also wasn't the greatest and I'd spent my entire teens feeling unlovable and unattractive because, idk, I didn't look like Naomi Campbel, and was told from numerous sides that being some random average girl was just not enough. My mental health went down the drain that year and it never really recovered. I hadn't been doing particularly great even before that, but it was like that whole hellish mess snapped some final thread in me and it was just a downward spiral after downward spiral for years after that. It took an additional ten years to get diagnosed and put on meds because everyone is just so stupid and when you are young, you don't know how to advocate for yourself, or even that you should be doing so.

And then there were these roommates.

There were three of them, all older than me, and we lived in this tiny twelve-square-metre room with three single beds (two of them had to share because one of them was a friend who was there "illegally" because she had lost her right to accommodation for repeating the year and didn't want to go back to her parent's home for the time being and I was too stupid to put my foot down, report her and tell her to fuck off). The two legal ones were sisters.

And let me tell you, I was so in AWE of them! All three were tall, beautiful, put together and confident! They were incredibly popular and had men crawling all over them. I felt pathetic in comparison. I wasn't jealous, not exactly, I just felt inadequate and held the two sisters on this incredibly high pedestal because they seemed so smart and gorgeous (not so much the friend, because even though she was beautiful too, she had this self-absorbed, self-centred, flighty, shallow character that I just couldn't respect). The sisters, however, were everything I wished I could be, especially the younger one.

That particular sister, let's call her M, was also studying architecture. She was in year four (compared to my miserable first year) and she was doing so well, her work was amazing. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. She was the epitome of elegance, intelligence and beauty in my eyes. She could do no wrong. Hero worship was in full swing, I couldn't imagine she could be any more perfect even if I tried.

And then a few months into our hellish living arrangement, I found out that she was fooling around with this worthless guy who was cheating on his long-term girlfriend with her. They had an on-again-off-again relationship. They had broken up before because he refused to leave the official girlfriend, but for whatever reason, she was in love with his mediocre ass and kept going back to him. I was shocked when the whole story came out. There she was, the most perfect girl I had ever known, letting this cheating loser string her along like that. It was gross.

Let me tell you, that pedestal I put her on came crumbling down so fast because even my infatuated, naive, sleep-deprived and chemically imbalanced brain knew this was very wrong (it took me several more years and another incident with a woman I was super close to and had adored for years to teach me not to mess with cheaters and the people they cheat with because they are always fundamentally deficient in some hidden (or not so hidden) ways and that whatever damage they have that lets them act in this way will eventually drag you down too, but I digress).

In my shock, I asked her, why? Of all people, why him? This girl was so gorgeous, she could have had any man on the planet. She said they were in love. And I asked her, if he loved her so much, why didn't he break up with his girlfriend (mind you, the girlfriend fully thought they were getting married sometime in the near future). It seemed so obvious to me, if he truly loved her, he should have ended his previous relationship and dated her openly.

AND SHE TOLD ME THIS EXACT SAME LINE. THIS COMPLETE BULLSHIT OF A MANIPULATIVE EXCUSE.

Apparently, the shitty cheater couldn't break up with the girlfriend because the girlfriend had sworn that if he broke up with her, she would never marry anyone else and stay single her whole entire life. And he, the poor baby, couldn't live with that, so he couldn't leave her 🤯🤯

I had never heard something more ridiculous in my life. It was so absurd, and it was so world-altering for me that this perfect girl, the girl I had thought was so put together and so incredibly smart, was TAKING THIS UTTER STUPIDITY SERIOUSLY. I still remember it so clearly, even after all these years. It didn't make sense then and it still doesn't make sense now. It's the XXI century!! Break up with the woman you don't love!! What the hell is this nonsense?? WHO THE FUCK CARES IF SHE DECIDES TO NEVER MARRY ANYONE ELSE? IT IS NO LONGER YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM!!

Also, all these people were in their early fucking twenties, the absolute delusion that any of her threats (if they were even real and not made up by the loser cheater because all cheaters ever do is lie) were in any way a real and enforceable thing that would come to pass. BUT EVEN IF SHE NEVER DID GET MARRIED? SO FUCKING WHAT? NOT YOUR CIRCUS, NOT YOUR MONKEYS.

And there she was, sneaking around with this garbage man because he gave her this nonsensical excuse. The stupidity is unending. I cannot. I could not and will never be able to can 🙄🙄

And back to the actual show now.

WHO THE FUCK CARES IF SHE NEVER MARRIES? WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT BLACKMAIL IS THAT? FUCK ALL THE WAY OFF AND THEN KEEP FUCKING OFF SOME MORE UNTIL YOU DROP INTO A DEEP BLACK HOLE AND KEEP DROPPING UNTIL YOU REACH THE EARTH'S CORE AND DISINTEGRATE IN THE LAVA.

Ugh.

***

WHO THE FUCK CAAAAAARES 🤬🤬

Also, let's not forget that these are the very people who wanted to murder Manniang and Gu Tingye's actual children with her. They are so concerned with the status of a lower-class servant sleeping with the Young Master and how she will raise her head in public and go on living. So, so, so concerned 🙄🙄

***

Minglan, please tell them to fuck all the way off.

I am beyond pissed.

***

OMFG.

I am beyond sick of these wretched bottom feeders and their "path of survival" 🤮

BITCH, DIE.

***

True! Let's all ask him!!

I am sure he will just love all this slander.

This whole thing is just beyond WTF.

***

What exactly were her parents supposed to teach her?

Just take in some random prostitute for her husband the day after she was married? What the actual fuck is wrong with this woman? Worms for brains, I swear. The audacity is astounding.

***

OH MY GOD, THEN GO DIE ALREADY

I am so tired 🙄

***

This dumb fucking bully.

The best thing that ever happened to women was emancipation and no longer having to live in their in-laws' homes.

***

LMAO, how many statuses do these mistresses that the wife is forced to support even have?

Fuck off with this bullshit.

***

MINGLAN, ARE YOU SERIOUS

***

LMAO, wait, what?

They accused him of raping this woman?

Speechless.

Gu Tingye, please take your wife and fuck off from this place.

***

LMAO, Gu Tingye keeps making good life choices!

Gu Tingye is not among my favourite characters by a long stretch, but I do appreciate him so very much!

Go, king! Protect your wife and stay winning!!

***

Don't you just love it when utterly disgraceful people start blathering about not getting the respect they feel entitled to 🙄

Gross family.

[mononcmarc]

INFP male. WTF? FML.

Being an INFP male is litteraly Hell on Earth. And don't worry, I'm not going to go on an incel rent. I've always found incels to be immature misogynistic humans who believe they don't have any inner growth to do. No. I know I can't blame others for how I am. I found out through introspection, or in my case I would call it daydreaming my life away, that I am omnisexual. Basically, this means that I can feel attraction towards men, women, gender fluid, trans, non-binary, wathever. I am also attracted towards some traits, like creativity, compassion and empathy. Basically, it means that I am falling in love and/or am aroused by around a fifth of all the people I meet. You know the cliché of how we INFPs tend to fantasize about people we meet and daydream about our hypothetical loving relationships? Well, guess what, it's true and the fact that I'm a man doesn't change that at all. Now on top of all that, in the same introspection process, I found out that I am polyamourous and totally capable of having at the same time many hypothetical daydreamed loving relationships. Imagine having to go through that for 1 person out of 5 you meet IRL, online, celebrities, friend of a friend of a friend that you see on social media, random person who decides to make a video about INFPs on YouTube, came out of nowhere human being on Instagram (clearly not a bot, right...?) who dm me because they liked something I posted 3 years ago, EVERYONE ! And how we INFPs process everything, every information we get : introverted feeling. This means that most of my time (normally 2/3rd of my waking hours) is spent analyzing every sentence, every word, every comma, every gesture, every non-verbal communication that I make or percieve from others in order to make sure that I haven't miss any red flags or that I've not commited a faux-pas of some sort, and of course, I will at some point say too much (TMI is one of our many middle names after all). On top of that (because it ain't over - lol - you sweet summer child you) don't forget that I have to repeat the whole process for every sentence, every word, every gesture of all hypothetical daydream love scenario that my brain pops out (oh yeah, sometimes even with fictional characters also) with facts, logic and my own personal values in order to separate what is plausible, what is maybe usable for any creative project and what is just plain bull****. Most days, I just want to stay in bed and speak to no one, see no one, text no one, read no books, watch no movies or shows and simply exist in my own inner world in my mind but I can't. I'm an INFP and deep human connections is what I desire the most. And I know I'm kinda charming and funny without even trying and I've been told that I have soft big puppy brown eyes and a deep relaxing manly voice, so making new friends ain't hard. What is super hard is having to "man up" because that's what people expect you to do while having the inner emotional turmoil of a Disney princess who's out of fairy dust. Litteral Hell, I say. I've cried the whole time I was writing this. I'm tired. Don't worry, I'll be OK. I'll make myself a tomato sandwich I guess and watch videos of cute cats or something. Sorry. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Hope it will make you understand us male INFPs more. Or maybe it won't. Does it matter? I guess not. What matters is you who's still reading this. You are awesome and I love you. F***. Now I'll daydream about a person who is virtually inexistant but could be plausible and then go through the whole Fi judgemental process again. See? Hell.

[fulgurbugs]

sorry this is gonna be a tmi and gross period post but idk what to do anymore so i’m gonna vent online

ok so my periods are famously inconsistent and unpredictable. most recently what ended up happening was i missed mine for like, months before it came back with a vengeance and i had one that lasted over a month long. this one was also extremely heavy towards the end, as well as like. idk how to describe this. very fleshy. chunky. however there were no cramps or pain associated with it, mostly just i was spending a fortune on pads and tampons (i had to double up to be safe) while this was ongoing i attempted to look for a gyno in my area, but i would only be able to get an appointment after i moved back to college with at minimum a few weeks wait. so i ended up not making an appointment because it was starting to wind down and i ended up getting super busy with school starting again. i still brought it up to my doctor before this and eventually had an appointment where i managed to sneak in on a weekend i could come home with my gp where she prescribed pill birth control which i started taking as directed not very long ago. but, a few days after i started taking it my period started again, extremely heavy, and this time, painful. it’s been about 4 days of extremely heavy blood flow and cramps, and i haven’t been able to focus on my school at all or go anywhere, i just want to lie in bed and rot. im bleeding through supers in under an hour, and i don’t know what to do. i’ve contacted my doctor and should hopefully hear back from her in a few days. but i’m so scared that something more is wrong or that this one will also last over a month like the last one.

do any other accursed uterus havers have a similar experience and any idea what’s wrong with me? or what i should do? if this one goes over a week i’m going to seek more urgent medical attention. i’ve heard suggested from people i know that it could potentially be endometriosis or a cyst so if anyone whos following me has some firsthand experience please let me know, im having a really rough time right now. sorry for the tmi and all but im so extremely uncomfortable and losing my mind and need help

[jmdbjk]

JK Welive #1-2 & JK/Tae IG live

People sure have their panties in a knot over Jimin and Jungkook and Tae and shipping and JK's live, and Bam, and a J tattooed on a finger and just... damn people. You act like your life depends on this shit. 

To keep track of what we’re talking about let’s organize it like this: JK welive #1, JK/Tae IG live, JK welive #2, JM welive, JK welive #3, JK welive #4 (taken down, yet to see if it will be put back up). That’s a lot of maknae line to unpack. 

But bottomline: Jungkook is mostly at home nesting with Bam. Leave him alone. Y’all keep making me say that. INTROVERTS UNITE!

Boy arrived for Welive #1 wired and ready to defy the employee manual that says no live broadcasts without permission. 

Jungkook was a little solemn when someone asked about Jin in the comments. “Jin is doing ok.” and “Jin sometimes sends us a message in group chat.” JK didn’t seem like he wanted to elaborate on it.

He wonders why he thinks of Army when he’s drinking... man is crying in his beer over us!

Within 20 minutes he was all wound down. His sweet eyelids started getting droopy while he read Army comments. 

Then he got second wind and started searching for something to sing for us... finds Vibe, drools over Jimin for a sec, gives Taeyang some badass love, starts to sing the song before he even gets the lyrics up on the screen... knows the choreo of course... 

Rumor confirmed: Bam is the luckiest dog in the universe. Jeon Jungkook wipes his butt after he poops. Who else in this world can say that? Who?

Besides the Bam butt wiping TMI, Jungkook also said he emptied his freezer so he could keep his (8) frozen beer mugs in there ready for action. And also (10) smaller glasses... maybe pilsner glasses? 400ml is not a small glass. 18 large servings of adult beverages. Priorities.

TMI: JK sings while he pees.

Kookie philosophy: if a rock doesn’t get rained on, it will crack and break. So another round of beers please. Gotta stay hydrated according to Kookie.

He attributes his being able to sit in the dark in his house with Bam and drink beer and literally breathe, to Army. Thanks to Army. You are welcome, baby!

Jungkook also says if you don’t have these three things, get out of here:

Gotta admit, I was stressing for a minute over the remark that he’s stopped working on his album... but Jungkookie says he’s kind of into this living like a rock for now. He’s not feeling pressured or overly anxious to be working or trying to make himself work. How he said what he said implies maybe he is really relishing this “doing what he wants at age 25...” Good for him. He deserves to slack for a while. 

At about 1 hour and 13 minutes in he pulls J-Hope’s “More” up on the noraebang screen and begins to rock out. I LOVED THAT!   Then he realized Namjoon was in the comments and thanked him for being his savior. And y’all didn’t tell me he sang Daechwita!!!! ONE OF MY FAVORITES!!!! Even though he substituted Suchwita in the lyrics hahahahahaha. He also praised Taehyung on changing up his singing style as it became sweeter. Good job! AWWWW.

And he got me laughing out loud when someone commented for him to stop drinking, it’s not healthy... he says, if his body stays healthy it wonders what it’s supposed to do and it stops doing its job so he introduces unhealthy components (like beer) for it to wake up and fight inside and that’s how he’ll become healthy... HAHAHAHAHAHAA, oh Kookie. Don’t tell people that! they will believe it! Armys are gullible! 

What he really meant with that explanation is: “don’t lecture me.”

Bless his neighbors... who surely can hear him singing through the walls at 4:00 a.m. ...

Jungkook gave us the long awaited tattoo explanations. Honestly, does anyone think NO ONE has EVER asked him what the tattoos mean? Do you think he’s NEVER had to explain to anyone? EVER? What exactly would anyone expect him to say about certain ones? He also didn’t speak about covering the tiger with the black sun... he says when he first got them, he didn’t put much thought into it so maybe the tiger was one of those things and he covered it up with something that had more meaning. An eclipsed sun. And he got the eye because he wanted to be mindful of his actions because he’s always being watched... he says this right after saying he got tattoos thoughtlessly, LOL! He doesn’t like the moon on his shoulder and intends to get it covered someday. It’s okay, the sun is eclipsing because of the moon inside his elbow. 

I’m sad to hear he had a bad tattoo experience here in the States.

ALL of the complex tattoo meanings that have been floating around have ALWAYS been fan speculation. 

And, Tattoo Proof Anon, I deleted your ask because nothing has been debunked. Don’t you have a life or something you should be paying attention to instead of parking on blogs waiting for your “gotcha” moment that’s never gonna arrive?

A nod to Polyc’s incredible talent:

HAHAHAHAHAHA Tae comes into the comments and JK is like, “hold on Taehyung, I’m talking about something sincere...” Bro don’t interrupt me, I’m talking to Army about something serious.

Switch to Instagram...

Then, for the first time in the history of Bangtan, two members do a simultaneous Instagram Live... 

The IG live... was short... JK seems tentative about doing the live in Instagram... man was all “don’t tell me what to do” while on Weverse but  Instagram has him questioning his morals. Tae smiles big when he sees Bam, apparently having not seen him in a while. Tae makes a little snarky “if it makes money comment” about it and then after playing with the Instagram filters and remarking that Weverse needs to make a zoom feature so they can all be on at the same time because two is not enough, Tae said “I gotta sleep, peace out.” Later, bro.

Back to Weverse...

Welive #2: Jungkook mentions he is going to detox for five days... and then eat something yummy. That lasted less than 24 hours as we’ll see in his #3 Welive.

He mostly is singing his heart out in between telling Armys not to lecture him.

Y’all didnt tell me he (half) sang Despacito!

Someone already put a clip of his Welive he just did singing Dreamers on YouTube:

I thought for sure he passed out on us.

And he finally calls it a night after the sun rises... sweet (stubborn) thing.

I’m choosing (right now) not to be concerned with Jungkook’s stoppage on working. However, I reserve the right to change my mind should more information become available.

JM’s Welive, JK #3 Welive and #4 (if they put it back up), to come after the Weverse translations are provided. 

[acatnamedpusheen]

Dinner & Diatribes (Gabriel Rossetti smut)

Dante Gabriel Rossetti x fem!reader Words: 3.3K (I got carried away) Genre: Smut (18+) with some angst (half of it is literal filth) Warnings: fingering, handjob, oral fem!recieving, edging, unprotected sex (don't do that kids) Summary: The infamous painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti realises he's falling in love with Lord Whitewood's wife, when he's invited to paint her portrait. Lucky for him you're on the same page and things take a heated turn when your husband unexpectedly leaves London and you find yourself unable to stay away from the devilishly handsome painter. (I made Gabriel a lot less of a jerk and the title is one of Hozier's songs that I recently discovered and thought was perfect for this fic.) - A/N: Sorry this is going to be a bit long because I have many things to say. First and foremost, sorry for the super random tags, but I'm trying to reach the Aidan girlies out there and I'm sure nobody goes on the Desperate Romantics tags. Moving on I want to say that this is the first time in 3,5 years that I've been able to write anything and it was so liberating, because I feel like I lost a great way of expressing myself all this time. Nevertheless, please be kind to me, english is not my first laguage, this took a great amount of self pressure to actually be finished over a course of about 2 weeks and it might just be nothing but cringe (don't come at me pls). Now on to the fun part. So, apparently I'm currently hyperfixating HARD on Aidan Turner after watching Rivals and my long hair kink is just making things worse. When I tell you I could literally do anything for him. Writing the smutty part of this fic at some point had me feeling like I was in some sort of high. I mean just look.at.these.eyes dear Lord. Ok enough with the yapping omg, it's getting too tmi.

You didn't even realise how you ended up at his front door in the middle of the night. Or at least that's what you kept telling yourself, in hopes of avoiding or simply delaying feeling the shame of being an awful wife to your husband, Lord Whitewood.

You knew you'd find him there, at the old greenhouse he called home, under the gentle warm light of the candles, working on either some new sketch, or your portrait. And after catching a glimpse of him actually immersed in the latter, you felt your heart flutter. He turned away from his painting abruptly when he heard the door open and for a moment he believed he hallucinated you standing in front of him, because of the endless hours he'd been working on your portrait. But the way you stood there, your chest heaving, your frame slightly trembling from how nervous you were and your eyes glinting that all too familiar spark, he knew you were really there in the flesh. And it felt just like the first time he'd ever seen you, that day at your husband's house.

Lord Dorian Whitewood, a great fan of the arts, had shown interest in the works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti and after paying him a couple of visits to his studio to buy a few paintings, he invited him to his house to request a portrait of his beloved wife. Little did he know, that this would be the very start of a great forbidden love.

Rossetti was known to have a weakness for women. He would never hesitate having his way with any of his models at any time he'd please and could swear he'd never settle for just one woman. Until the moment he saw you sitting in that room waiting for him to start your portrait. He felt something he'd never felt before, but couldn't really explain it. This surely wasn't because of how majestically the light from the window ever so gently illuminated your face or your thick hair that fell freely on your shoulders. No, there was definitely something utterly unique about your aura.

"Lady Whitewood" he paused as he rose from his seat "What brings you here at this hour?" his eyes betrayed hopes that this wasn't really what he thought it was. Of course he couldn't be more pleased with the idea of finally getting to have you, evern for a single night, but he knew this could all possibly lead to a big scandal that would harm his already bad reputation. He never thought his flirting, which always came so naturally, so involuntarily, would actually have such effect on you so as to come running to him in the middle of the night alone.

Did he really worry so much about a potential scandal, though, or was it all just a cover for the fear that he might have actually fallen in love and you'll forever remain out of his reach?

"Dorian is out of town. He left for Oxford this morning, his brother has fallen ill. I might have to travel soon too, but for the time being, he insisted I stay here in London." He stood silent, looking at you straight in the eyes, waiting for your next words.

"I haven't been able to get the thought of you out of my mind, Gabriel." you admitted hesitant to move, while your gaze fell to the floor. Gabriel took a few steps forward instead, until he was right before you, lifting your chin up with one hand, locking eyes with you yet again. Just as he'd done that day at your husband's house while he was trying to figure out which pose would be better for his painting.

"You look absolutely stunning, do you know that?" he said walking back to his canvas after finishing with his adjustements on you. "I'd be lying if I said I'm completely oblivious to this fact." you replied teasingly, without looking at him, maintaining your pose. You were a confident woman after all, never afraid to show it when you had to.

"Does your husband know that?" his voice sounded lower than before making you feel things forbidden for a married woman. Gabriel's question took you so much by surprise that you turned to face him, only to realise he was doing the exact same thing. His eyes fixed on you, his gaze hungry, full of lust. Gabriel was a confident man too, never stopping himself from getting what he desired, never afraid to show it blatantly and straight away.

"Are you trying to tell me something Mr. Rossetti?"

"I'm just making sure that a beautiful woman like you is appreciated in the way she deserves, Lady Whitewood." You turned away, resuming your pose, trying to ignore how his smirk was igniting the heat deep within your core.

You liked your husband Dorian, he was a kind man who treated you well, took care of you. At this very moment, however, you were beginning to question whether you actually, genuinely loved him. He was a dear friend to you and your family, 10 years older than you. The marriage was of course arranged but you'd known Dorian for a long time, you trusted him. Was it ever something more than that, though? You never had such thoughts because, to your bitter realisation, you'd never actually fallen in love with someone. Up until now, that this devilishly handsome painter, who also seemed to be much closer to your age, stood opposite you almost every day, for far too many hours than your sanity would have preferred.

"Would you consider sitting for me for other paintings as well?" his voice interrupted your thoughts after a while of silence. You laughed bitterly."You clearly know this is no occupation for a lady. My husband would never allow it."

"Do you want to, though?" he insisted, not once breaking away from his canvas.

"Mr. Rossetti, are you asking me to go against the morals of our society for what I, a mere woman, want?" you kept looking straight ahead, trying hard not to glance at him.

"Would that be so bad?"

You scoffed at the audacity of his question before answering "Perhaps it really wouldn't, if we were living under any other circumstances."

"And what would the ideal circumstances be?" he continued, acting completely oblivious. "Are we playing some sort of game here, Mr. Rossetti?" you broke your pose again to bring him within your field of vision. "You and I both know what I'm talking about."

"Please call me Gabriel and no, I don't quite understand why someone can't have a bit of fun from time to time" he had left his work and strode his way to where you were sitting. His eyes bore into yours, a subtle smirk danced on his lips.

"Because as I've mentioned, I'm a woman that also happens to be married. And I respect and love my husband." the words sounded so foreign to you as you spoke. You were using every ounce of willpower to stop yourself from rising from your seat and falling in the arms of Gabriel, who was now slowly walking to your side, then your back, trying to carefully pick his next sentence.

An ever so light flinch was inevitable when he placed both his hands on your shoulders. You'd be heavily lying if you didn't admit you wanted them on every other inch of your body as well. He could feel his effect on you. If only you could feel yours on him. He wanted nothing more than to turn you around and crash his lips to yours hard. Instead, he contained himself, and whispered his reply close to your ear: "I don't really believe we'd still be having this conversation if that last part was true."

A knock on the door, brought you both back to reality and Gabriel moved away from you just as the maid came in with some tea. For a split second you believed it was Dorian, having somehow heard everything, coming in to catch you red handed. "If you do change your mind, however, you know where to find me." he gave you a quick wink, referring to his initial request earning him a stern look from you as the maid had yet to leave the room.

"Tell me you never truly wanted me to come. Tell me I shouldn't be here, I should be home, I should stay loyal to my husband." you pleaded, his pained expression was already telling you he didn't want you to leave.

"I could never lie to you, my dear." his lips now inches away from yours, god knew how he had been holding himself all this time. It was different with you. It always had been. He never felt the animalistic urge he felt when he was with a prostitute. No, he felt the need to treat you like fine porcelain, he could never break you. And so he contained himself, only for you to take him by surprise when you crashed your lips to his. His hands instinctively cupped your face as yours found purchase on his shoulders. Before you had time to indulge in one another, however, you pushed him away-one final attempt to avoid infidelity.

"This is madness!" you panted "We have to stop!" tears were welling up in your eyes. You wanted him so much it was painful. Yet, you still tried to convince yourself it was less painful than living the rest of your life knowing you had cheated on Dorian.

"But do you want to stop?" he raised his voice slightly, with a firm grip on the side of your upper arms, making you look at his hungry eyes. "These ideal circumstances that we were talking about are right here, right now. No one knows about this besides us. So if you still truly wish to stop, you're free to leave." he couldn't push you, but could at least try to persuade you. He needed you as much as you needed him.

"You're right I do want to stop, I got carried away, I shouldn't have come in the first place." you lied and felt him slowly release you letting you turn away to leave and put an end to this brief encounter. No sooner had you taken two steps than he caught your arm, spun you around and met you in a heated kiss that you neither could nor wanted to escape.

One hand on his chest the other tangled in his black locks, you let out a quiet moan as you felt him squeeze your waist and swipe his tongue over your lower lip. You granted him access and the groan he involuntarily let out hit you straight in your aching core. Breaking away from your lips, his mouth travelled to your jaw, then your neck, all while his skilled fingers had started working on the buttons of your outer gown. Kissing you was no longer enough, he had to feel you under his touch and was pleased to see you were on the same page as he sensed your hands on his waistcoat.

A pause was much needed for the unbuttoned items to be discarded. Gabriel then watched you take off your petite coat skirt, leaving yourself in nothing but your corset and short undergarment. He was quick to stop you from going any further.

"Let me, sweetheart." his fingertips momentarily brushed over the exposed skin of your breasts before moving to undo your corset, giving you goosebumps. Although very eager, his hands worked steadily, slow even, as if he was trying to imprint every little detail of the moment in his mind. Yours on the contrary, seemed to be moving on their own, finding their way along Gabriel's dishevelled dress shirt and opening it all the way down.

Once your corset was undone, he peeled the straps off your shoulders and took a step back to admire his 'work'.

"Breathtaking" he whispered with a smirk upon finally eyeing your exposed chest under the faint light of the candles and you felt the need to cover yourself. "Don't hide from me, darling." he came closer once more, opening your arms and placing them on his still half-clad torso instead, for you to free him of his shirt.

As soon as it was off, he attacked your lips yet again. The kiss being more heated than the previous, with the addition of the newfound feeling of each other's skin. Gabriel's strong hands on your waist turned you around and pressed you against him, before moving to undo the final piece of clothing separating him from your body, letting it pool around your feet. "Can you feel what you do to me, what you've been doing to me all this time?" he murmured breathlessly on the spot where your neck met your shoulder.

"Gabriel...please..." your voice was barely above a whisper, his erection undeniably pocking your ass through his pants. Hearing his name fall from your lips in such lust coated way, had him loosing his self control, unable to stop his hands from leaving your waist and roaming your bare skin as he kept kissing the side of your neck.

One hand finally found its way to one of your breasts, greedily kneading it earning himself sighs of pleasure. The other hand, travelled south, his fingers brushing your wet folds, to land on your clit."All this for me, darling?" he was panting, already lost in your body and the way you reacted under his touch. "Only for you" you moaned, eyes shut, trying to take in all the pleasure. You couldn't help but reach one hand behind your back and palm him, to which he reacted with a low grunt and a bite on your shoulder.

"Careful darling, you wouldn't want me to paint your skin with my teeth, would you?" he elicited another moan from you before his hands stopped their ministrations to grab your waist and turn you to face him once again. "Now get ready to jump." he flashed you his signature smirk that was enough to have you coming undone right then and there, as you felt him grip the back of your thighs.

You did as you were ordered to, tangling your legs around his waist and slipping your arms around his neck, letting him carry you to the bed and spill you on the sheets. He barely had time to remove his pants, before you pushed yourself up to kiss him hungrily and pull him back down on the bed with you. One hand on the curls you could never get enough of, the other reaching for his cock, gently beginning to squeeze and pump him.

Soon, Gabriel was a moaning and grunting mess around your hand. You had moved to straddle him, while he was propped on his elbows, head thrown back in pure bliss, giving you access to leave kisses on his neck. It wasn't long before he felt he was getting close and that's when he sat up to stop you. "Not yet, I want to give you more." he was out of breath but had no intention of giving himself time to catch it, so he met you in a desperate kiss as he laid you down on the sheets.

"I was thoroughly enjoying it, though." you grinned cheekily once he broke the kiss. "Patience, my dear, for the best is yet to come." he placed one final kiss on your lips before starting a trail down your jaw, neck and collarbones, stopping right on the valley of your breasts to glide his tongue on one of your nipples. Your arms found their place on his toned back as he began sucking, your moans getting mixed with his low grunts. He briefly switched to your other mound, growing too impatient to continue his trail south. Going past your navel, he paused upon reaching your pubic bone and while maintaining eye contact, giving you his dirtiest looks, his hands found your knees and spread your legs further apart.

You tensed and let out a gasp when you felt his mouth on your clit. "Relax darling, I just want to make you feel good." the look he gave you was intoxicating, pupils dilated, lips parted, you wanted him to have you in any way he pleased and so you proceeded to push his head down to where you truly needed him the most. Your fingers found their all too familiar place between his black curls as he ate you out like a starved man. His strong hands holding your hips as his mouth alternated between kissing, licking and sucking, earning himself the filthiest of sounds escaping your lips.

But just as you were starting to feel that all too familiar tightening deep in your core, Gabriel's mouth was no longer on you. Instead, he moved to hover over you, his lips glistening with your arousal under the warm candlelight, hair a mess from your pulling. A sight that definitely seemed like it was coming straight out of a fantasy.

"I need you, Gabriel." you didn't care if you sounded ridiculously desperate, you were for this man. You wouldn't have come running to him in the middle of the night once your husband was out of town if you weren't.

"Tell me how you need me, sweetheart." he knew full well what you were both aching for at that very moment, but still wanted to hear your words.

"Hard and slow, then you can do as you please." you'd barely finished your sentence before he entered you in one swift movement, dragging out a long moan from you to match his own groan. And he did as you asked, setting a slow pace with long hard strokes. You were bitting your lips trying to stifle your moans.

"Let me hear you, let me hear how I'm the only one making you feel like this." this pace was already too hard for him to maintain, he craved more and reached for your clit to get exactly that and the next moan of his name was no longer silent.

He started picking up the pace, his strokes remaining deep. You were both close after previously taking your time to indulge in each other's bodies.

You'd be lying if you said you could recall a time when Dorian had gotten you this close to the edge of heaven.

Gabriel's strokes were now getting sloppier as he buried his face in the junction of your neck and shoulder, his thumb never leaving your sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Let go for me, darling, I know you're close. He was breathless, barely able to contain his release with the way your walls were gripping him. "I want to feel you too, Gabriel." it was all it took for him to loose control and come undone within you. His heavenly sounds pushing you over the edge shortly after. His name was the only thing leaving your lips as your nails run down the tensed muscles of his back.

You rode out your highs and stayed tangled in each other for a few moments, trying to regain a sense of reality. Both dreading to look into each other's eyes after what you'd done. You wanted this night to last forever, the sun to never rise. Hoping that this way you'd never have to face the cold reality in which you were an infidel wife and your newfound lover had to live the rest of his life in the embrace of other women to try and forget the one who had managed to show him how love truly felt.

-

[madiposting]

ok i’m now just on the very end of the worst sickness i have ever had in my life. here’s what learned in the midst of it:

a guide to surviving food poisoning

tw: emetophobia, mentions of sickness, general TMIs

first, some context: i started feeling like garbo around 9pm. i was burping like crazy and it did provide some relief but not much. at 2am, i started vomiting. it wasn’t just like getting sick, it was like explosive. both ends every time. by 10am, i had thrown up TEN times. couldn’t keep even water down. i stopped counting the frequency of the diarrhea around 35-40 times. it’s now 7pm the next day. i now still have some stomach tightness / cramping and some moderate dehydration symptoms. my eyes are sunken, i can’t really pee, and i’ve consumed more than 40oz of water.

symptoms:

- vomiting

- diarrhea

- severe stomach cramping

- mild fever

- dizziness

- full body aches

- confusion (at one point thought the “orange” part of the powerade label said “DR A NGE” and that it was the doctor that invented it lol)

for throwing up:

- let it happen. i have somewhat recovered emetophobia and i absolutely hate getting sick, but the hot flashes and dizziness and nausea is so bad that you’ve just got to get that shit out if you can.

- in your bathroom garbage, place a full sized kitchen garbage bag. inside the garbage bag, place a grocery bag to act as a second liner. then, you can just tie off the grocery bag and place another on top of it. this will help avoid leaks (and attempting to wash out a horrendously smelling garbage when you already feel like shit)

- swish with water and spit. then sip on water. it will help with the throat ache. don’t brush the acid into your teeth, wait a while. a tongue scraper is good for the burning too.

- take two q-tips and wet both sides (barely) of one of them. gently put them in your ears if you have burning there (from the vomiting, just like how it can get in your nose). then, gently place in the dry ones to clean out any excess water. this helps with the pain.

- trust your body. you somehow will just intuitively know when you’re going to get sick. i found it helpful to practice gratitude in the moments of sickness that my body tells me before it just happens all over the floor or something. additionally, you’ll know when you’re able to eat too. i suggest applesauce (eaten very slowly) or a drinkable broth. crackers are good, but can kind of hurt the tummy / throat and you’ve probably already got a dry mouth.

for diarrhea:

- although it’s uncomfortable and my butthole was screaming, the diarrhea gave me the most relief. the cramping in my stomach eased every time. sometimes when i was laying on the floor or in the bath and felt weak, i didn’t want to get up to poop. get up. it helps tremendously.

- because if my butthole being on fire, i kept a separate water bottle next to the toiled to wet some toilet paper and gently hold it on my [redacted] to ease the burning.

for aches:

- TAKE SEVERAL BATHS. this saved me. warm showers are good, but the water hitting your body can be painful when you’re achy. i would run a warm bath and relax in it. once it got cold, i would set a timer for one hour and sleep on the floor of the bathroom with a heated blanket and a pillow. after an hour, i’d hop in the bathroom again and repeat.

- pro tip: parts of my body were unable to be submerged fully in the water (knees/thighs, tummy, chest) so i brought with me a small hand towel to drape over me. it kept me super warm AND covered me for when my sweet brother brought me medicine or ice chips.

- in the bath and on the floor i kept with me ice chips, powerade, water and a pitcher for refills, and applesauce.

- i took two extra strength tylenol every few hours (following the label).

for hydration:

- i found it was very hard to not gulp water when you’re SO thirsty. i tried sipping but it hurt my stomach anyways. i found that sucking on or crunching on ice chips is a Godsend. literally the best part.

- i had some orange powerade, water, and ice chips. i attempted both canada dry ginger ale and emergen-c immune support drink, but the ginger ale hurt to throw back up and the emergen-c made me sick almost immediately

- pay attention to your symptoms. if you’ve found you can’t keep water down even after hours of sickness, consider seeing an urgent care doctor or taking a trip to the ER. the IV will rehydrate you and you’ll perk back to life almost instantly.

for the general shittiness:

- find something you can trust in. for me, i found praying and practicing gratitude in the midst of it helped a lot. i felt so very sick and i think practicing mindfulness kept me from excess dizziness or confusion. i was grateful for the experience as it will help me empathize better with people around me that are sick. i also now know some great tips for the inevitable next time i get a bug like this one. it can also help to repeat song lyrics that you find hopeful / comforting, especially if you’re panicking. breathing deeply is great, particularly during the vomiting itself.

- reach out to some people. vent about how shitty it is.

- for me, it lasted about 12 hours (but the vomiting only lasted 8). it can help to rest / sleep frequently to help pass this time.

- as soon as you wake up, you’ll probably have to vomit or shit. don’t hesitate (even if you’re groggy). just stand up and get it over with. you’ll feel better after and you can lay back down right away.

- clean with bleach after! hopefully the things this garbage experience taught me were able to help some of you 💗

[perilousandwicked]

Val Pearson cosplay: a saga. A blouse and a skirt, basically my average Friday night ensemble, what could go wrong? Read on at your own risk. TMI incoming. Let's skip past the part when I spend an hour trying to get my hair to whoosh. It refuses to whoosh. It just sort of lays there, limp, probably on strike from having been forced into waves and painted silver yesterday. Finally give up and move on to the face. Another hour trying to give myself a hint of Con's stunning cheek bones and jaw line. Six face washes and now covered in concealer, highlighter and other bits of makeup I don't even have names for up to my elbows, I finally give it up. That's two strikes. So I get my eyes to look ok and call it. On to the easy part, put on the clothes, check. Tie the shirt and roll the sleeves, check. This is when I look in the mirror and see that it's basically see-through. Now, I have no problem with my nipples, I love them, they make me happy. But as we all know, fem nipples are extremely dangerous. Basically, like Medusa, if anyone sees them, they'll turn into stone or maybe die. Children specially. So it's time to hide those suckers, for the sake of public safety and all. My pasties go on and (my brown people will feel me) these skin-tone adhesives are basically 8 shades lighter than me. I now have nipple highlighters on. Time to think on my feet. I look down at my make-up bag and the solution is staring back at me. I begin the painstaking process of painting my pasties with concealer. Amazed at my own brilliance, I turn away from the mirror to start shoving my feet into 7 inch stilettos. Turning back in triumph to get one last quick look at my masterpiece I realise I've made a critical error. I did not let the concealer dry before letting the white blouse cover my chest again. There is concealer everywhere. It's like I tried to splatter-paint it a nice, warm honey brown. By this time it's only sheer bullheadedness that keeps me from throwing on one of the three other customs I have. Wearing civilian clothes is an impossibility. To a con? Perish the thought.

So I take off the blouse and start washing it with hand soap. This was surprisingly successful. The top is no longer completely white, but it's close enough to pass. Next up, trying to dry a blouse with a hair dryer. I get it close enough that it doesn't look like I'm cosplaying as someone in the middle of a wet t-shirt contest and head out into the world. The good news is that the shirt has time to dry further as I walk around with fellow convention attendants in desperate search of an ATM. All the ones around the convention center are out of money. Workout tip: get your cardio in by walking a couple of miles in shoes that only allow you to take steps that are about 1/4 of your regular stride.

But now, I'm here, late, slightly damp, bleeding into my footwear, with plasters over my offending nipples and singing-along to Disney tunes. What a great time to be alive 😊

[simon-x-billy]

Simon x Billy

The Year of OTP: January

Chapter 1: Where’s Giuseppe WTF?

January prompt: Historical au (because 2015 counts as the past)

Note: Simon x Billy is a slow-burn m/m fic; turns NSFW (male/male, consensual) beginning tamely at Chapter 7.

Meet the OTP: Simon Lewis, author and star of The Mortal Instruments, who keeps writing himself into his novels; and Billy Delaney, Irish handsome devil and international chef of mystery; and also Italy. It’s sort of like a threesome. TMI AU: Instead of Simon Lewis being only a character in the best-selling YA series, he is now also the author of that series. TW: References to having been cheated on, bad language, bad humor, Irish-isms, calling young people criminals, making fun of Americans, LGBTQIA+ themes, having to wait for the NSFW chapters to show up.

Masterlist || ao3 || Next

Chapter 1: Where’s Giuseppe WTF?

———/Simon/———

OK, fine, baggage claim was a little rough. Finding baggage claim was a little rough. Finding Customs was a little rough. Customs was Customs. I mean, what’s to know, they look at you suspiciously, and if you smile excitedly cuz you’re in a new country, they look at you suspiciously some more, and you start wondering if they’ve noticed something you haven’t.

At least that’s how I felt. Like, maybe I have a single very long nose hair or something horrifying like that. I don’t know? They’re Customs. They notice shit like that.

On a positive note, they’re just fine communicating with people who only “have” one language. They asked me if I had Italian, and I kept waiting for them to finish their sentence. You know? Like, do I have Italian… Food? Relatives? Then they were like, “Do you have any other languages?” And I’m thinking, maybe I caught one in-flight. Planes are well known for making people ill. Or I could’ve caught something cool, like Norwegian! In fact, I could’ve had it my whole life and it’s just never had any symptoms. You never know.

Meanwhile, the train ran on time. And the Red Sea parted. Two impossibilities amounting to miracles.

So yeah, sure, I’d done some prepping for the trip. I refuse to reveal my sources as they are completely mortifying. OK fine, it wasn’t even an app. It was a book. With pictures in it. More specifically, the one my parents used when they planned their trip to the Amalfi Coast.

I used it to plan Our Trip. The one that became My Trip. Flying solo. In so, so many ways.

Believe me, and you need to trust me on this one: Never propose to a girl you met in costume. And if you did and it turned out great, shut up. And mazel tov. May all your children have bar and bat mitzvahs with a good dj. And puppies.

Just remember, your first impression of her is while she’s cosplaying someone else. You might find you’re falling for a personality that isn’t really her on the inside. The whole thing is exhausting. Because my beautiful but cruel shiki found somebody else to cosplay with.

She revealed this shortly after breaking up with me.

No, Simon. I do not choose you. No, Simon. I never choose you. Said every girl ever.

She gave me lots of reasons why. Constructive observations for my next relationship, she said. So at least I had something to think about on the plane to Naples that made me feel really good about myself. For 22 hours including two layovers and a bonus train ride from the airport to downtown Naples. (Trust me, just fly into Rome. Why didn’t it occur to me to fly into Rome?)

I once read a book where the most flamboyant, exciting character said something of extreme poetry and wisdom. (Because poetry and wisdom can both be extreme. Whatever.) It went a little something like this: “Unsolicited advice is just criticism.” Ok fine, I’ve read it more like 25-30 times. Alright look, I can’t be coy. I wrote it. And 25-30 is how many revisions my editor tried to convince me to take it out. (I won.)

I like stories that stretch out over like 20 books in a series. You get to stay with the characters you love until you finally stop re-starting the series the minute you close the last page of the last book. Again.

I think I’d be a vampire irl. And I have thought a lot about it. I mean a lot of thinking on this topic. And you can’t convince me that fairies and werewolves are even in the running for best paranormal destiny.

I like stories where choosing to be a vampire is one of the safer bets. Because you’re already dead.

Don’t start. I’ve fought table top duels over this and I refuse to go over that ground again. Take my word for it. You want to be a vamp.

She was a vamp. I was a vamp. (D, because who else?) We thought we were made for each other. Until she didn’t. Think that anymore. I guess she’d been not-thinking that anymore for months and months. And here I am, presenting her with a trip to Italy where I was going to propose. I had it all planned out. I mean I had it all planned out. Because that’s how I roll. (A 20-sided die, obviously.) Ugh. So when she says she doesn’t want to leave the city, I’m like, “But it’s Italy! And me!”

Turns out the trip wasn’t the only thing she didn’t want.

Turns out she was also being quite literal about not leaving the city. And so, like the heartless traitor she is, she abandoned Brooklyn for the Upper West Side and a yoga instructor with a man bun and half a million followers on Twitter.

Half a million? What even is that? I mean, I get 100 followers -- wow, friend, you are on fire! I get a million followers -- wow, somewhat famous person, you are on fire! But, like, what’s halfway between the two?

So the “hot yoga instructor” -- her words, not mine -- is a person that exists. I told her that she didn’t have to be mean about another, hotter guy. And you know what’s coming next. You totally do.

The hot yoga instructor is an instructor of hot yoga.

But since I mentioned it, she laughed and said he is also a hot instructor, of yoga.

Thanks. I don’t feel angry tears at all when I think about that.

Anyways, I was talking about trains in Italy running on time, and somehow I land on vamps. Welcome to the brain of Simon Lewis, enjoy your stay.

Oh my god. There’s a McDonalds here. It’s like a crime against Italian humanity. “That should be illegal,” I announce to no one in particular. Followed by “Shut up, Lewis, that guy over there is staring.” And yes, I do use my last name when I scold myself out loud in public. Because people find that attractive and charismatic.

So the train in Italy running on time is actually my problem. “My driver” isn’t due for another 30 minutes. Which means I get to spend an additional 30 minutes enjoying my own company some more. And also avoiding talking to any strangers. Which is particularly difficult in the Naples train station. And even more unlikely when you’re standing in the same spot forever and ever.

I’m full of my mother’s dire predictions of criminal young people offering their services to help you find your way around the train station. And when that fails, they’re supposed to start begging for money. And when that fails, Oliver and the Artful Dodger pick your pocket. So put your money and your passport down the back of your underwear or something equally unworkable when you’re dealing with Customs.

That little gem was actually written in the margins of the travel book. By my mother. So I wouldn’t forget to keep it in my pants. “Simon, don’t forget about the criminal young people. Keep it all in your underpants.”

So standing here looking like I’m waiting (and waiting and waiting), I’m an easy target. But as my t-shirt says, I’m from Brooklyn. We do not pay people to tell us where we are and which line to stand in. It’s a matter of pride. Unbelievable. Being from Brooklyn, I understand trains. I can find my way around any train station in the world. Hubris! But it’s true. Even in foreign alphabets. It’s in my blood, it’s in the East River, it’s in the soot-flecked air we New Yorkers are born breathing.

So here I am in the Naples train station with my underwear full of credit cards, IDs, and my emergency contacts laminated in both English and Italian. And now I also have that hot tingling in my eyes and the slight burn in my sinuses that threaten angry tears again.

I’m supposed to see a little old man with a big old mercedes, holding up a sign saying “Simon Lewis.” His name is Giuseppe and he came very highly rated on travelbookie.com. Very highly rated.

So, ok, ummm- This guy is definitely not Giuseppe. He doesn’t look that much older than I am. He’s an awfully chatty Irishman named Billy. So I’m like, “What’s Billy in Italian?”

“Fuck if I know,” he laughs. “They just say Beelee. Which puts me off every time, if I’m honest. God bless ‘em, they’re beautiful people, right, but Beelee is so wrong.”

“What’s your last name?”

“Delaney.”

“So in Italian, you’re Beelee Day-la-nay.”

“Y’speak Italian then, do yeh?” he laughs.

“Fluently. This app taught me how to say ‘dog’ and ‘blouse’ and I leveled up really fast — one of my great talents, by the way.”

“Leveling up, is it? Or Italian?”

“Italian. Certo. That means ‘certainly,’ but you use it kind of like you would use ‘obviously.’ Why is it pronounced ‘chair toe?’ No seriously, I’m asking.”

“Obviously,” he snorts, ignoring my lingual curiosity. “Are you mansplainin the language of the place I live to me?”

“Certo.”

Billy rewards me with a low chuckle. It may have been low and just a chuckle, but it was real. Being a connoisseur and collector of bad puns and dad jokes, I have a finely tuned ear for real laughter, as opposed to the usual laughing-just-to-be-nice.

“So I’m better off with Beelee Daylanay. I’ll have a talk with my boss and ask him to use my full name or nothin at all.” That at least gets a snort out of me. Until he says, “What about you? Are you lookin forward to bein Seemon? Sorry, mate. I think yours might be worse than mine.”

———/-/———

We’ve been talking all this time and I forgot to look out the window. As if I’m not on my dream vacation. Runner-up, actually. I’m holding my best dream vacation (Venice) for when Ms. I Do Lewis actually says, “I do.” And I will not book the rooms til after she does.

“Sorry, what was that?” I’ve been staring into space and ignoring Mr. Daylanay, who is now looking at me funny in the rear view mirror.

“Nothin important. Where’d you go, mate?”

“New York to Frankfurt to Milan to Naples. I flew out of JFK.”

“I’ll pretend to know where that is. No,” he says, “I meant just now. You disappeared behind your face.”

Um… “I did what?”

“I’ve been the only one enjoyin the sound of my voice, apparently, since you went quiet about five minutes ago. So where’d you go? Back behind your face,” he prompts.

“That’s an awfully private question, Mr. Daylanay. I’m not sure we’re good enough friends for letting you behind my face.” I kinda stumble on the word friends, cuz, well, we’re not.

“What. Is that like bein let in to visit the little man behind the curtain? That sounds a bit-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know how it sounds.” I make sure to roll my eyes loudly so he can hear. My mother always says she can hear my eyes rolling from the next room.

“Cagey one, aren’t ya?”

“Nosey, intrusive one, aren’t ya?” I counter.

He bobs his head and gives me a simple, “Ok.”

And now it’s gone quiet. I decide to disappear behind my face again for a while. I quite like it there. Maybe one day the whole world will join me. (Obscure movie reference, don’t bother.)

“Does she have a name?” he breaks into my sinking mood.

“What- Why?”

“Well, Seemon, because every story worth tellin about people generally has a name or two in it. Unless yer feelin all avant-garde while you're busy behind your face, contemplatin. Things.”

Ok, now I’m starting to get tired of his persistence. “I like to think of her as She Who Shall Not Be Named.”

“Like Voldemort. In a nighty.”

The bark of a laugh just erupts out of me before I can stop it from encouraging him. “That is the most disturbing image I’ve ever had.” My dull ache of a mood evaporates as quickly as it came, uninvited and unwelcome on this trip.

“You’re off the hook for now, but if I see you again, I’ll want to hear more about Ms. She Who Shall Not Be Named.”

And just like that, I’m annoyed again. “No.”

“Ok,” he says again.

———/-/———

While apparently spending more time behind my face, I realize I’ve ignored over 45 minutes of the view in a foreign country. Again I’m annoyed. Isn’t he supposed to be narrating the countryside or something? Giuseppe would be narrating the countryside. I frickin paid for that narration.

“So what am I looking at?” I lob at him.

“Naples.”

“Funny.” I hope he can hear my eyes rolling.

“Hold up, I haven’t finished! That great U-shape, right, that’s the Bay of Naples. The city herself is over there in the distance, all the way at the far end of the bay. All the wee towns strung out and all bunched up against the sea as tight as can be sketch out the shape of the bay and on along to the Sorrentine Peninsula -- where we’re goin. The big blue bit beyond the bay-”

“Is the Mediterranean. Yeah, I got that much.”

“Nah, mate. You don’t. See, it’s the Tyrrhenian Sea, which is just the part of the Mediterranean between the boot of Italy and Spain.”

“Thanks so much for the oceanography lesson.”

“Bit tetchy, aren’t yeh?” he says, eyeing me in the rearview mirror. “Look, mate. I’m sorry if I rubbed ye up the wrong way with makin conversation. I’m just not used to fillin in on the guest delivery service. That’s a specific kind of hospitality. Mine might be a bit more suited to conversatin across a bar. In that situation, all of this would have been charming.”

I can see him smiling at me in the rearview, trying to reset the mood.

“So you’re a bartender, not a driver. But you do work at the hotel. Right? Or…”

“Yeah sure’n I’ve been known to fill in at the bar when I’m needed.” He clarifies, “Acourse it’s the height of the high season, and all the staff are absolutely inundated with guests. It’s a busy kitchen, and no mistake.”

“So you’re not a bar-”

“Aaaaand, here we are,” he declares, pulling off the road going way too fast into what appears to be open air. But when I don’t feel us driving off a cliff, I open my eyes to see an ornate iron gate, a tile roof, a million flowering bushes, and more than one fountain.

“Allow me to be the first to welcome yeh to the Hotel Terrazze di Limoni. I’ll just fetch your bags, shall I?”

———/Read More/———

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———/Disclaimer/———

I’ve stolen liberally from Cassandra Clare, TJKlune, and all m|m authors I’ve ever read.