#touching grass is not an option i need a lobotomy

[acatnamedpusheen]

Dinner & Diatribes (Gabriel Rossetti smut)

Dante Gabriel Rossetti x fem!reader Words: 3.3K (I got carried away) Genre: Smut (18+) with some angst (half of it is literal filth) Warnings: fingering, handjob, oral fem!recieving, edging, unprotected sex (don't do that kids) Summary: The infamous painter Dante Gabriel Rossetti realises he's falling in love with Lord Whitewood's wife, when he's invited to paint her portrait. Lucky for him you're on the same page and things take a heated turn when your husband unexpectedly leaves London and you find yourself unable to stay away from the devilishly handsome painter. (I made Gabriel a lot less of a jerk and the title is one of Hozier's songs that I recently discovered and thought was perfect for this fic.) - A/N: Sorry this is going to be a bit long because I have many things to say. First and foremost, sorry for the super random tags, but I'm trying to reach the Aidan girlies out there and I'm sure nobody goes on the Desperate Romantics tags. Moving on I want to say that this is the first time in 3,5 years that I've been able to write anything and it was so liberating, because I feel like I lost a great way of expressing myself all this time. Nevertheless, please be kind to me, english is not my first laguage, this took a great amount of self pressure to actually be finished over a course of about 2 weeks and it might just be nothing but cringe (don't come at me pls). Now on to the fun part. So, apparently I'm currently hyperfixating HARD on Aidan Turner after watching Rivals and my long hair kink is just making things worse. When I tell you I could literally do anything for him. Writing the smutty part of this fic at some point had me feeling like I was in some sort of high. I mean just look.at.these.eyes dear Lord. Ok enough with the yapping omg, it's getting too tmi.

You didn't even realise how you ended up at his front door in the middle of the night. Or at least that's what you kept telling yourself, in hopes of avoiding or simply delaying feeling the shame of being an awful wife to your husband, Lord Whitewood.

You knew you'd find him there, at the old greenhouse he called home, under the gentle warm light of the candles, working on either some new sketch, or your portrait. And after catching a glimpse of him actually immersed in the latter, you felt your heart flutter. He turned away from his painting abruptly when he heard the door open and for a moment he believed he hallucinated you standing in front of him, because of the endless hours he'd been working on your portrait. But the way you stood there, your chest heaving, your frame slightly trembling from how nervous you were and your eyes glinting that all too familiar spark, he knew you were really there in the flesh. And it felt just like the first time he'd ever seen you, that day at your husband's house.

Lord Dorian Whitewood, a great fan of the arts, had shown interest in the works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti and after paying him a couple of visits to his studio to buy a few paintings, he invited him to his house to request a portrait of his beloved wife. Little did he know, that this would be the very start of a great forbidden love.

Rossetti was known to have a weakness for women. He would never hesitate having his way with any of his models at any time he'd please and could swear he'd never settle for just one woman. Until the moment he saw you sitting in that room waiting for him to start your portrait. He felt something he'd never felt before, but couldn't really explain it. This surely wasn't because of how majestically the light from the window ever so gently illuminated your face or your thick hair that fell freely on your shoulders. No, there was definitely something utterly unique about your aura.

"Lady Whitewood" he paused as he rose from his seat "What brings you here at this hour?" his eyes betrayed hopes that this wasn't really what he thought it was. Of course he couldn't be more pleased with the idea of finally getting to have you, evern for a single night, but he knew this could all possibly lead to a big scandal that would harm his already bad reputation. He never thought his flirting, which always came so naturally, so involuntarily, would actually have such effect on you so as to come running to him in the middle of the night alone.

Did he really worry so much about a potential scandal, though, or was it all just a cover for the fear that he might have actually fallen in love and you'll forever remain out of his reach?

"Dorian is out of town. He left for Oxford this morning, his brother has fallen ill. I might have to travel soon too, but for the time being, he insisted I stay here in London." He stood silent, looking at you straight in the eyes, waiting for your next words.

"I haven't been able to get the thought of you out of my mind, Gabriel." you admitted hesitant to move, while your gaze fell to the floor. Gabriel took a few steps forward instead, until he was right before you, lifting your chin up with one hand, locking eyes with you yet again. Just as he'd done that day at your husband's house while he was trying to figure out which pose would be better for his painting.

"You look absolutely stunning, do you know that?" he said walking back to his canvas after finishing with his adjustements on you. "I'd be lying if I said I'm completely oblivious to this fact." you replied teasingly, without looking at him, maintaining your pose. You were a confident woman after all, never afraid to show it when you had to.

"Does your husband know that?" his voice sounded lower than before making you feel things forbidden for a married woman. Gabriel's question took you so much by surprise that you turned to face him, only to realise he was doing the exact same thing. His eyes fixed on you, his gaze hungry, full of lust. Gabriel was a confident man too, never stopping himself from getting what he desired, never afraid to show it blatantly and straight away.

"Are you trying to tell me something Mr. Rossetti?"

"I'm just making sure that a beautiful woman like you is appreciated in the way she deserves, Lady Whitewood." You turned away, resuming your pose, trying to ignore how his smirk was igniting the heat deep within your core.

You liked your husband Dorian, he was a kind man who treated you well, took care of you. At this very moment, however, you were beginning to question whether you actually, genuinely loved him. He was a dear friend to you and your family, 10 years older than you. The marriage was of course arranged but you'd known Dorian for a long time, you trusted him. Was it ever something more than that, though? You never had such thoughts because, to your bitter realisation, you'd never actually fallen in love with someone. Up until now, that this devilishly handsome painter, who also seemed to be much closer to your age, stood opposite you almost every day, for far too many hours than your sanity would have preferred.

"Would you consider sitting for me for other paintings as well?" his voice interrupted your thoughts after a while of silence. You laughed bitterly."You clearly know this is no occupation for a lady. My husband would never allow it."

"Do you want to, though?" he insisted, not once breaking away from his canvas.

"Mr. Rossetti, are you asking me to go against the morals of our society for what I, a mere woman, want?" you kept looking straight ahead, trying hard not to glance at him.

"Would that be so bad?"

You scoffed at the audacity of his question before answering "Perhaps it really wouldn't, if we were living under any other circumstances."

"And what would the ideal circumstances be?" he continued, acting completely oblivious. "Are we playing some sort of game here, Mr. Rossetti?" you broke your pose again to bring him within your field of vision. "You and I both know what I'm talking about."

"Please call me Gabriel and no, I don't quite understand why someone can't have a bit of fun from time to time" he had left his work and strode his way to where you were sitting. His eyes bore into yours, a subtle smirk danced on his lips.

"Because as I've mentioned, I'm a woman that also happens to be married. And I respect and love my husband." the words sounded so foreign to you as you spoke. You were using every ounce of willpower to stop yourself from rising from your seat and falling in the arms of Gabriel, who was now slowly walking to your side, then your back, trying to carefully pick his next sentence.

An ever so light flinch was inevitable when he placed both his hands on your shoulders. You'd be heavily lying if you didn't admit you wanted them on every other inch of your body as well. He could feel his effect on you. If only you could feel yours on him. He wanted nothing more than to turn you around and crash his lips to yours hard. Instead, he contained himself, and whispered his reply close to your ear: "I don't really believe we'd still be having this conversation if that last part was true."

A knock on the door, brought you both back to reality and Gabriel moved away from you just as the maid came in with some tea. For a split second you believed it was Dorian, having somehow heard everything, coming in to catch you red handed. "If you do change your mind, however, you know where to find me." he gave you a quick wink, referring to his initial request earning him a stern look from you as the maid had yet to leave the room.

"Tell me you never truly wanted me to come. Tell me I shouldn't be here, I should be home, I should stay loyal to my husband." you pleaded, his pained expression was already telling you he didn't want you to leave.

"I could never lie to you, my dear." his lips now inches away from yours, god knew how he had been holding himself all this time. It was different with you. It always had been. He never felt the animalistic urge he felt when he was with a prostitute. No, he felt the need to treat you like fine porcelain, he could never break you. And so he contained himself, only for you to take him by surprise when you crashed your lips to his. His hands instinctively cupped your face as yours found purchase on his shoulders. Before you had time to indulge in one another, however, you pushed him away-one final attempt to avoid infidelity.

"This is madness!" you panted "We have to stop!" tears were welling up in your eyes. You wanted him so much it was painful. Yet, you still tried to convince yourself it was less painful than living the rest of your life knowing you had cheated on Dorian.

"But do you want to stop?" he raised his voice slightly, with a firm grip on the side of your upper arms, making you look at his hungry eyes. "These ideal circumstances that we were talking about are right here, right now. No one knows about this besides us. So if you still truly wish to stop, you're free to leave." he couldn't push you, but could at least try to persuade you. He needed you as much as you needed him.

"You're right I do want to stop, I got carried away, I shouldn't have come in the first place." you lied and felt him slowly release you letting you turn away to leave and put an end to this brief encounter. No sooner had you taken two steps than he caught your arm, spun you around and met you in a heated kiss that you neither could nor wanted to escape.

One hand on his chest the other tangled in his black locks, you let out a quiet moan as you felt him squeeze your waist and swipe his tongue over your lower lip. You granted him access and the groan he involuntarily let out hit you straight in your aching core. Breaking away from your lips, his mouth travelled to your jaw, then your neck, all while his skilled fingers had started working on the buttons of your outer gown. Kissing you was no longer enough, he had to feel you under his touch and was pleased to see you were on the same page as he sensed your hands on his waistcoat.

A pause was much needed for the unbuttoned items to be discarded. Gabriel then watched you take off your petite coat skirt, leaving yourself in nothing but your corset and short undergarment. He was quick to stop you from going any further.

"Let me, sweetheart." his fingertips momentarily brushed over the exposed skin of your breasts before moving to undo your corset, giving you goosebumps. Although very eager, his hands worked steadily, slow even, as if he was trying to imprint every little detail of the moment in his mind. Yours on the contrary, seemed to be moving on their own, finding their way along Gabriel's dishevelled dress shirt and opening it all the way down.

Once your corset was undone, he peeled the straps off your shoulders and took a step back to admire his 'work'.

"Breathtaking" he whispered with a smirk upon finally eyeing your exposed chest under the faint light of the candles and you felt the need to cover yourself. "Don't hide from me, darling." he came closer once more, opening your arms and placing them on his still half-clad torso instead, for you to free him of his shirt.

As soon as it was off, he attacked your lips yet again. The kiss being more heated than the previous, with the addition of the newfound feeling of each other's skin. Gabriel's strong hands on your waist turned you around and pressed you against him, before moving to undo the final piece of clothing separating him from your body, letting it pool around your feet. "Can you feel what you do to me, what you've been doing to me all this time?" he murmured breathlessly on the spot where your neck met your shoulder.

"Gabriel...please..." your voice was barely above a whisper, his erection undeniably pocking your ass through his pants. Hearing his name fall from your lips in such lust coated way, had him loosing his self control, unable to stop his hands from leaving your waist and roaming your bare skin as he kept kissing the side of your neck.

One hand finally found its way to one of your breasts, greedily kneading it earning himself sighs of pleasure. The other hand, travelled south, his fingers brushing your wet folds, to land on your clit."All this for me, darling?" he was panting, already lost in your body and the way you reacted under his touch. "Only for you" you moaned, eyes shut, trying to take in all the pleasure. You couldn't help but reach one hand behind your back and palm him, to which he reacted with a low grunt and a bite on your shoulder.

"Careful darling, you wouldn't want me to paint your skin with my teeth, would you?" he elicited another moan from you before his hands stopped their ministrations to grab your waist and turn you to face him once again. "Now get ready to jump." he flashed you his signature smirk that was enough to have you coming undone right then and there, as you felt him grip the back of your thighs.

You did as you were ordered to, tangling your legs around his waist and slipping your arms around his neck, letting him carry you to the bed and spill you on the sheets. He barely had time to remove his pants, before you pushed yourself up to kiss him hungrily and pull him back down on the bed with you. One hand on the curls you could never get enough of, the other reaching for his cock, gently beginning to squeeze and pump him.

Soon, Gabriel was a moaning and grunting mess around your hand. You had moved to straddle him, while he was propped on his elbows, head thrown back in pure bliss, giving you access to leave kisses on his neck. It wasn't long before he felt he was getting close and that's when he sat up to stop you. "Not yet, I want to give you more." he was out of breath but had no intention of giving himself time to catch it, so he met you in a desperate kiss as he laid you down on the sheets.

"I was thoroughly enjoying it, though." you grinned cheekily once he broke the kiss. "Patience, my dear, for the best is yet to come." he placed one final kiss on your lips before starting a trail down your jaw, neck and collarbones, stopping right on the valley of your breasts to glide his tongue on one of your nipples. Your arms found their place on his toned back as he began sucking, your moans getting mixed with his low grunts. He briefly switched to your other mound, growing too impatient to continue his trail south. Going past your navel, he paused upon reaching your pubic bone and while maintaining eye contact, giving you his dirtiest looks, his hands found your knees and spread your legs further apart.

You tensed and let out a gasp when you felt his mouth on your clit. "Relax darling, I just want to make you feel good." the look he gave you was intoxicating, pupils dilated, lips parted, you wanted him to have you in any way he pleased and so you proceeded to push his head down to where you truly needed him the most. Your fingers found their all too familiar place between his black curls as he ate you out like a starved man. His strong hands holding your hips as his mouth alternated between kissing, licking and sucking, earning himself the filthiest of sounds escaping your lips.

But just as you were starting to feel that all too familiar tightening deep in your core, Gabriel's mouth was no longer on you. Instead, he moved to hover over you, his lips glistening with your arousal under the warm candlelight, hair a mess from your pulling. A sight that definitely seemed like it was coming straight out of a fantasy.

"I need you, Gabriel." you didn't care if you sounded ridiculously desperate, you were for this man. You wouldn't have come running to him in the middle of the night once your husband was out of town if you weren't.

"Tell me how you need me, sweetheart." he knew full well what you were both aching for at that very moment, but still wanted to hear your words.

"Hard and slow, then you can do as you please." you'd barely finished your sentence before he entered you in one swift movement, dragging out a long moan from you to match his own groan. And he did as you asked, setting a slow pace with long hard strokes. You were bitting your lips trying to stifle your moans.

"Let me hear you, let me hear how I'm the only one making you feel like this." this pace was already too hard for him to maintain, he craved more and reached for your clit to get exactly that and the next moan of his name was no longer silent.

He started picking up the pace, his strokes remaining deep. You were both close after previously taking your time to indulge in each other's bodies.

You'd be lying if you said you could recall a time when Dorian had gotten you this close to the edge of heaven.

Gabriel's strokes were now getting sloppier as he buried his face in the junction of your neck and shoulder, his thumb never leaving your sensitive bundle of nerves.

"Let go for me, darling, I know you're close. He was breathless, barely able to contain his release with the way your walls were gripping him. "I want to feel you too, Gabriel." it was all it took for him to loose control and come undone within you. His heavenly sounds pushing you over the edge shortly after. His name was the only thing leaving your lips as your nails run down the tensed muscles of his back.

You rode out your highs and stayed tangled in each other for a few moments, trying to regain a sense of reality. Both dreading to look into each other's eyes after what you'd done. You wanted this night to last forever, the sun to never rise. Hoping that this way you'd never have to face the cold reality in which you were an infidel wife and your newfound lover had to live the rest of his life in the embrace of other women to try and forget the one who had managed to show him how love truly felt.

-

[sincelastsession]

I've missed telling you things. But I'm stoned and I honestly don't want to remember.

How are lobotomies these days? Can they sever instead of do a nerve block to my lizard brain that keeps screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER? Is this an option? Do I need that part of my brain?

Travis is getting his drummer friend to find me noise canceling 🎧

They asked how quiet I needed it to be.

I told Travis "I don't want to hear a bomb go off" "Deafen me bröther"

So maybe that will help.

My mom wants to go to lunch tomorrow and look at garden homes. 🙃 I am scared I'll lose my shit because she presses my buttons like only a mother can. Just huge trigger if she's not calm and patient with me. She just had a huge fight with me about how she didn't want Mexican food because the Guatemalan ppl can't cook...and was acting like a racist petulant child.

I convinced her to go to spoke and hub. Then she will have a new restaurant to hate on I guess.

I wish the chill part of me would take over tomorrow but I feel like it's gonna be the take no shit manager and firefighters. I don't want that to happen but it's like so second nature to react to crap.

Yeah a nerve block sounds FANTASTIC

Honestly I'm constantly taking a leftover Adderall for a future session so you can see the difference and God maybe we can write a letter to the medical board and maybe my psychiatrist can just continue to write it. I only take 5mg max a day split up into 2.5mg doses...so I really don't see how taking that during the day with my xanax daily meds that oddly don't conflict and then just smoke my weed before bed.

But the problem is its 3 substances that are usually never prescribed together. They just happen to be the best combo for me and I'm a different person on it. I can hold a conversation.

Maybe the medical board would approve it if I could state my case and show them the difference?

Idk I just miss when I was a more functional person.

I have agoraphobia so bad some days I literally cry by my door because I can't leave.

But other days I want to go wandering around by myself in the woods.

I feel like a guy sometimes like that's weird because I do identify as female but yeah get moments of feeling like a man...I feel like I could maybe draw what the parts of me look like in minds eye.

Sometimes I feel like a small Asian woman like on kdramas and that's also odd.

Sometimes my little side pops out when I see cute things.

Sometimes a gruff dad.

Sometimes me at 16

And I'm sure there's more.

But idk if I'm me or if I'm somewhere else hidden

I say little me I don't mean inner child

My inner child doesn't feel there.

Honestly Joshua if I could afford it I'd see an emdr therapist in Lafayette and I'd make the weekly drive. I'd also see if hypnosis therapist would work. I would build an army to help me.

You aren't doing a bad job. I however haven't seen anything in my email you said you'd send and I'm not happy abt it but I'm sure since you are human you got busy

I do wish they had a manual for neurodivergent ppl and autistic ppl that translated what neurotypical ppl mean and tips and tricks on how to communicate with them.

They always think I'm fighting with em.

I hate one people call me negative. I mean I'm sorry I've been dealing with trauma since I was 2 years old so it's very hard for me to see the positives and it's not for lack of trying.

If I'd given up on getting better I'd have quit therapy years ago.

I feel like I could easily get a social work degree but it's not something I want to do as a profession. I mean do some LCSW just take like easier cases with big idiots that just need to be told to go ground and touch grass? (Joke) but no I mean I assume there's some easier clients is all.

I really don't find Myself to be a negative person I Find Myself to be a realist and I also Find Myself to be sort of a cynic and an absurdist. I do like philosophy but I do not like it enough to study it as much as other people get into it I do go down rabbit holes

I mean not only is my interest that is special and medical but I do like lots of other things it's just been had to be primarily focused in medical so I didn't get missed diagnosed and almost fucking die again because nobody likes that

It's aggravating to be your own advocate in the medical world Like it's really a big pain in the ass to fight doctors and nurses and people that do not know what they are talking about and I do not ever mean to sound egotistical but a lot of people mistake me talking like this for that

Like currently my rheumatologist is seeing a friend of mine that has a disorder that is very similar to what I had growing up and the woman is having a reaction to the method track state and I keep telling her to call our rheumatologist and go to the ER but the woman says that our rheumatologist said that's normal and I know damn well it's not normal and she's gonna end up in the ER somewhere or another and it makes me feel like an old retired charge nurse even though I'm not even old enough to be one of those sassy old charge nurses.

The funny thing is my mother is a charge nurse but she doesn't exactly act like one because she also has to make drama and play the victim.

I mean I really can't believe that she's trying to get my sister hooked up with medical marijuana right now

My sister already relies on street Marijuana that could possibly be laced and smokes it constantly all day every day

I mean honestly I sound like a giant hypocrite because I'm stoned right now but I don't smoke as much as her I used to smoke as much as her if not more and I got to a point where I could not get stoned anymore and I decided to quit until I had pain issues again and so now I'm having to legally medicate and that's pretty weird feeling when a couple of years ago you could have gotten arrested and it's weird having to convert the Scared emotions about taking my medicine into positive emotions about taking my medicine because I still get nervous when I'm about to smoke like I'm about to get caught.

I suppose you can say it similar to the feeling of walking out of a store and feeling like they're gonna stop you for shop lifting even though you didn't do anything

I have very intrusive thoughts like that all the time and I assume it's part of my o CD but it's really annoying and usually when I take my Adderall it goes away completely but I can't take it and it's pointless to take it because I only have a few left in the fucking bottle and the medical board won't allow me to have that prescribed and it's stupid bullshit and politics and the health care system for mental health is completely fucked and I've known this since I was a child And I don't even know if there's a way to fix it anymore honestly because they have screwed it so bad

I really wish that I could have made my goal make my brain better and then make me an independent and knowledgeable enough to live on my own without the help of others without my parents finances and So that I might travel or move elsewhere because I get so stir crazy but I've been stuck inside and helicopter and micro managed and harassed and terrorized and fucking abused for so long that it's scary to go places because I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for everything I do

I feel like I'm going to get in trouble if I breathe too loud

I mean I'm sure I could give you more examples because like sometimes I really do think that something takes me over and talks for me because I don't understand how else I would even function enough to communicate with other people with the insane amount of shit that has happened to me. I mean I still have things in my memory bank that are foggy and behind. closed doors. It sucks that I keep remembering things because it's the time where my brain feels safest to finally be able to understand what happened to me and stuff because I know it protected me a lot as a child and it's really weird that I just have all negative memories and only little glimmers of good things I really don't remember a lot of the good things my parents said that they did for me I don't remember a lot of experiences I've been told that I've had that were good. And you know that a lot of people have blamed on medications that I take but I have never had any memory issues due to this particular medication that I'm on that I have been on for a long time it has not really changed anything in that regard. The other ones however did fuck with my head like that.

There is something terribly wrong with my father mentally and I really would love to get him help but I don't know how to do that without it affecting my life in a major way and I don't know if I could handle another major life change without absolutely losing my shit