#ok that was a fun trip down memory lane lol

[littleragondin]

SHIPPER TAG GAME

I was tagged by @lurkingshan, thank you very much (´꒳`)♡ My memory is not the best so some of these are going to be a little challenging lol but let’s try!

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care anymore?

I don’t know how to “not care” about things I once loved I’m afraid lol. But ships that consumed my life that I now don’t think about very often and am more “what a good surprise to see you here, I still like you" than "oh you are back to consume my life for the next two to fifteen months" are most of the things I watched when I was younger: Logan/Max from Dark Angel, Sam/Jack and Daniel/Jack from Stargate:SG1, Jim/Blair from The Sentinel, Piper/Leo from Charmed, Tim/Tony and Gibbs/Tony from NCIS, etc...

2. Which ship would you consider your first one?

Hmmm… I think the first time I felt emotionally invested in two characters ending up together – in a “watching religiously and asking my mom to tape the wedding episode because we would be traveling on the day it was to be diffused” kind of way – is Fran Fine and Maxwell Sheffield from The Nanny.

We knew they were end game, but STILL!

3. Your first fanfic belonged to which couple?

Oh, good question… I came into fandom via manga and while they were not the ones I shipped the hardest (I was a hardcore Gaara/Lee fan ♡♡♡), I think the first fics I read were NaruSasu and/or Kakashi/Iruka – on personal fan websites.

The first shipping fic I wrote hmmm… I think it actually was some Kakashi/Iruka? I tumbled into fandom really fast once I found it so it’s a bit of a blur lol but yeah, pretty sure it was something Naruto related.

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw a fanart over?

… Not really, but probably either something from One Piece (Zorro/Luffy or Zorro/Sanji) or Neon Genesis Evangelion – those two were the very first manga I read (circa 2002), and I vaguely remember checking them on Google Image for my favorite hobby: “collecting images from the internet that I would then organize carefully in the computer’s little folders” so I must have found some cute stuffs that I didn’t even realize were shipping…

5. Did you ever get into ship discourse?

No. While I generally have strong opinions about stuff, I am pretty non confrontational and I’m here for a good time, not to fight with people, so I avoid it. I’ve seen stuffs that I���m glad I didn’t poke with a ten feet pole. On top of that, I am a huge believer and practitioner of “shipping one character with more than one person (in a polycule or not)” so ship wars have never made much sense to me. Even in qL, even when I really adore the endgame couple(s), I often like thinking of the options, the what-if, etc. so fighting about that does not sound appealing lol

6. Did you used to have any no-otp or have it currently?

Talking about my very first fandoms, I never wanted Sakura with either Naruto nor Sasuke lol I loved her, but hated the idea of either options. Still not sold on it tbh. I also really hated the idea of Hermione with either of the other two lsdfj same reason, I loved her so much, and I loved that they were friends!

I have ships I am uninterested in but I always feel like notp is a little stronger than that, so I don’t think I have any currently.

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

Oof, okay, life does come back full circle lol I binged the One Piece Live Action at the start of the month, so the last fics I’ve read since were all Zorro/Luffy.

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs?

DO I EVER?? I have OTP that have been in my heart since I’m 10. And, I mean, by virtue of watching so much QL I have an OTP in every couple I watch get together for 8 to 12 episodes, I’m a big, mushy romantic. Also I will daydream about ships from about anything I watch so…But! My current OTP, the one that owns my heart, that gets me to literally squeal in delight, makes me gasp and cry and twirl my hair while kicking my feet is Nomoto and Kasuga from She loves to cook and she loves to eat!

I love them sooooo much it’d be ridiculous if I had any sort of dignity about that kind of things (I don’t) (*´▽`*)

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

Ok you know what? I rewatched some episodes with my mom over my christmas break so I will say yes, Jack O’Neil and Samantha Carter in Stargate:SG1. Yeah, yeah I don’t care that he is her commanding officer and blablabla.

After all this teasing, damn, we could have gotten a little something something when the team finally breaks alright?

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

I can’t really think of anything right now to be honest… I feel like anything I’d feel strongly enough to remember I would still dislike now, though, to be frank.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, was considered normal but now you would be canceled over?

I guess? I mean, I came to fandom and to QL via yaoi – wich I started reading around 2005, so you can imagine the amount of “problematic” content I enjoyed. Age gaps (I was a HUGE fan of Naono Bohra who like those a lot), power imbalance, dub-con (one of the first yaoi translated in France was Gravitation), and so on and so forth.

12. What was your favorite crack ship?

I can’t answer that one, mainly because I used to have so many of them (I still do, don’t look at me). I got into superheros comics when I was something like 18 and I did RP with a friend where looking back, it seems like our main game was to pair everyone no matter how silly it might have been. I guess in those, I still have a fondness for everything we did that crossed the DC/Marvel divide. We also played a lot with those random ship generators? They gave you two characters and you tried to find a way to make it work. I still like those!

13. Who is the couple you read more fanfics of?

Across all of time?? I… have no idea… like really none. Recently, it’s probably any variations of 3zuns from The Untamed, but for the early years I could not say.

14. What most of your ships usually have in common?

The love I have for them (*¯︶¯*)

Joke aside, I’m not sure? I’m a simple creature, I’m easily swayed, if there is something compelling in the dynamic, I will be interested. I like them sweet but I also have pretty toxic ships, so I think the main thing for me is that there is something interesting going on that makes me want to root for them and/or think about them and how they work together.

15. What do you absolutely hate in a ship?

I need to believe there is a way for them to genuinely love each other. But sometimes, ~the vibes~ just feel rancid to me and I can’t get into it, I can’t explain more than that ^^”

I'll tag, if you feel so inclined: @benkaaoi @troubled-mind @bengiyo @gillianthecat @iguessitsjustme and @heretherebedork

[autism-corner]

waugh ive remembered....

[upslapmeal]

Space Babies

Ok so I've been hopeless at doing my usual Episode Thoughts during s14 but if I don't get them posted before the finale then I never will. SO. the next few days will be a trip down memory lane to a whole 6 weeks ago before I'm off to the cinema on friday night!

here we goooo

no cold open we’re going straight in babes (heh)

I know we had it last ep but I do love a good seeing-the-tardis-for-the-first-time face

‘I’m the doctor’ yes you are!!

man I wasn’t a huge fan of 15's theme just hearing on its own in the concert but hearing it in context with him it works SO well

‘kinda posh’

‘they used titles’ and then i kidnapped a couple of teachers, told one to drop the 'Foreman' and the rest is history

ngl I've totally lost track of the gallifrey sitch

the master was going to blow it up then he didn't then the Doctor was going to then some guy stayed behind instead and then flux??

whatever we're back to last-of-my-kind square one

this is gallifrey theme my beloved how I have missed you

Martha and Bill yelling I told you so in the distance about the butterfly

‘Rubathon Blue of the 57th hemisphere hatchlings’ good to know I've got my Ruby tag sorted early doors!

anyway alien companion when

ooh they're going for a flying tardis

love fifteens energy!!

‘most of the universe is knackered babes’

‘the question is why did I run’ Doctor running is a key part of your whole deal. you know this right

‘yet again push the button’………when was the first time

(I have since learned there was meant to be a song on the jukebox that tied to this...would have been nice to see the jukebox being used. and also would have made these comments make sense)

…..baby looms?

‘food????? they’re not tomatoes!!’ lmao Fifteen is SO outraged

oh Ruby’s getting an End of the World moment <3

‘no boss or rent or taxes’ yeah forget time and space travel, NOW Ruby's thinking she's gotta get in on this

oh that baby is unsettling

oh no that baby mouth does not match that voice 

‘mummy and daddy are here!’ Ruby and Fifteen: 😬

it's so weird having fairly confident small child voices paired with very vacant baby faces

.....do these babies have nappies? that they change??

aww you can really see Ruby is used to kids, lifetime as a foster sister <3

ok Captain Poppy is the only voice so far that kinda works

‘oh popsicle’ naww Fifteen is so sweet with them

Fifteen and Poppy are so cute!!

also lol I love RTD going hard with the timeless child at every opportunity

‘nappies are changed at 1800h’ ok well that explains that

Ruby: ‘I didn’t mean to scare you 💞’ Fifteen: 'hey kids it's the BOGEYMAN!!!!!!' Ruby: 😠

ok listen. I know this is not it. but the boots and the length of the trousers.......Ruby's mum kinda looks like Thirteen

oh that's very much a hug-is-a-way-to-hide-your-face hug there

‘that’s the fate of every refugee, you have to physically turn up on someone’s shore’

Eric and the world’s most tiny and useless sword

‘a crock of waste product'

‘nice plan but what now' Ruby hon. this was your plan

you can really tell Ruby is used to looking after kids

‘don’t you touch them you illegitimate person’

FLAMETHROWER BABIES

oh Fifteen knows Ruby’s a keeper

‘oh babes…space babes’ lol Fifteen's just here to have fun (space) baby

‘it’s snot’ ‘it’s not’ the beauty of the english langauge

‘it is one of your children!!’ :(

even the (space) babies think that death by airlock disintegration a bit much

awooooooo!

I guess seeing the doctor save the bogey monster made them less scared??

appreciate RTD's commitment to getting some good fart work in both his first series of this show lol

but what will happen to the monster on the new planet??

like sure it's their sibling but.....does it know that?

‘I’m very very happy’ says the baby with the most sorrowful eyes I’ve ever seen

tardis key!!

Ruby letting 15 into the tardis <3

RIP Carla Sunday's kitchen ceiling 

first a crack and now this......at least the Doctor's giving the local plasterer good work

‘what the blinking flip’ Cherry Sunday's got a nanny filter on her

‘tell your mum not to slap me’ Thirteen got off light with Yaz’s mum

now when are we meeting the timelord called The Saggy Sheet??

the Doc's just going around giving their name willy nilly now lmao

as it should be I never enjoyed their name being a Big Mystery

kinda wish we got to see Ruby's family react to learning more about the Doctor!

hmmmm the dna scan is giving me v s6 vibes (derogatory)

Well that was a weird one, but since when hasn't DW been weird! Ngl it took me watching a second time to enjoy it a bit more because I was just SO thrown off by the baby voices lmao, but it was just generally a fun time, nothing too serious and just a chance to see a bit more of Fifteen and Ruby's dynamic! And it did tie in nicely to the ideas of Ruby and the Doctor both being abandoned, Ruby being a foster sister and the Doctor being the last of their kind. Two baby episodes in a row is enough for me though, glad it looks like next ep is baby-free, space or otherwise 😅

[content-d3leted]

HELLO EDDHEADS!!!!!!!

Took a little trip down memory lane and rewatched all the eddsworld and asdf episodes tonight, since it was a BIG obsession of mine on 2 separate occasions, but I stopped watching back in September of 2022 I think.

First time I've drawn these lovely lads in 2 years, I would've done some better drawings but I only had 1 page free in my sketchbook sadly so I had to make do with these ones since I had no space to do anything else!

All of my gcse folders had little eddsworld/asdf images on the label lol ((the asdf guy looks so bad omg) all of them look a bit wonky BUT I WAS A WEE BAIRN WHEN DRAWING THOSE SO ITS OK)

My favourite one was probably Tord...or Tom...or Matt...well IT CHANGED ALOT. They are all my favourites teehee

Eddsworld was actually the first fandom that I've ever bought merch of too!! Now THAT was a good day. I got a t-shirt of Tom, but I'm always too scared to wear it incase I ruin it lol

Now that is peak clothing.

It was actually such a fun fandom to be in, especially since one of my besties was in it so we got to exchange art about it teehee

Also here's some drawings of the chappies from back in 2022 that I quite liked

I have a Pinterest folder with over 2000 images of eddsworld stuff. I think I may of liked that show...just a touch

[risingsoleil]

we need more of linzin with their grandkids

They end up with 6 grandkids total:

Areum - 2 girls, 1 boy

Kang - 1 boy

Mei - 1 boy, 1 girl

When they find out they're going to be grandparents for the first time, they are so excited and thrilled. Tenzin starts doing research into "grandparenting."

"Lin, it says there are 5 types of grandparents. Which ones are we going to be? There is the fun-seeker, the wise one--"

"I'm the wise one."

"the formal type, distant figure, and surrogate parent..." Tenzin pauses. "Well, we're obviously not the surrogate parent or distant figures."

"We'll just see how it goes when the baby comes, okay?"

Lin rolls her eyes. Of course Tenzin is going to try and read all the books on grandparenting. It's not like those parenting books were completely accurate when they were about to become parents, so what has changed now?

While Tenzin has gone full-nerd mode on the books, Lin has gone down memory lane by looking through all the baby things they saved with their own children. They locked away some blankets, clothes, and plushies away to save them from aging.

All the memories of them becoming parents flash in Lin's mind and it feels like yesterday when she was pregnant with their kids. It was exhausting, but she loved feeling the baby kicks and having Tenzin support her the entire time. She remembers her kids wearing the small clothes and how small they were.

And now, her babies' babies are going to have these.

Sky bison plushies, badgermole plushies, turtleduck onesies, etc.

In the middle of uncovering the past, Tenzin joins her and they go down memory lane together. Lin separates the things that can be passed down to their grandbabies, and which ones should be preserved.

When the grandkids join the family earthside, Linzin's grandparenting style becomes very clear.

Tenzin spoils the kids lol

Lin makes sure he doesn't over-spoil them. She lowkey becomes the surrogate parent, but not bc her kids neglect her grandbabies. Lin is just "I'll do it! You're not doing it right. Have to burp them like this"

And when her kids are like "Ok, Mom. I got it. I'll do it your way. Now I'll take over."

Lin is like "They're asleep. You can hold them later."

She and Tenzin get to relive their parenting days, but actually enjoy the babies. They also had 4 kids within 7 years. There was a lot that they didn't get to enjoy or appreciate. Grandbabies help them slow down.

The grandkids absolutely adore Linzin.

Lin asks to be called "Grandma" or "Popo"

Tenzin says "Call her GranGran."

"No Tenz, GranGran is your mom. It feels like I'm taking her place."

Their grandbabies hate being away from Linzin. They always cry and throw a tantrum when it's time to leave.

Linzin hosts sleepovers all the time for their grandbabies. Their kids get time to themselves and maybe go on a sibling trip.

Tenzin is inspired to write his memoir about his love story with Lin because the grandkids ask him about his and Lin's life. While it's chaotic to write and play with them, they even help him write it.

It's a special project for him and the grandkids, that's a secret from Lin and their parents.

[petruchio]

PLEASE share your midnights Matty softlaunch theory, it’s such an odd and (to me at least lol) fascinating album

ok so. im going to go into insane detail track by track, but i think midnights makes sense (almost) if we read it as a journey through deciding to leave joe and we read mastermind as being a matty song — so the album is mostly her wondering if this thing she feels with matty is real or in her head, and then wondering, if it is real, if it’s worth it to make the jump. and i think she was ready to do it, and midnights would’ve been basically the matty “announcement,” but then she and joe made up and the 3am tracks are kind of damage control to confuse the narrative and make it less obvious. but we have to do a bit of digging. so let’s dive in.

(obvi we don’t know what happened for real. but it’s just fun to speculate!!!)

we open with lavender haze. and here we see taylor desperate to stay in the happy, peaceful relationship she’s in — she doesn’t WANT to get married, she doesn’t WANT to be talked about, she doesn’t WANT anything more. she just wants this. it’s enough for her. …or is it?

because immediately, we move to maroon. we go from a pastel purple color to various shades of red, changing the image and flipping back through memories. and these memories call back to a lot of 1989 era imagery — we get the wine stain from clean, the rosy cheeks from wildest dreams, new york… that’s a real fucking legacy to leave. something triggered this little trip down memory lane. maybe they hung out, or someone said something, who knows. but i think this is where the cracks in the lavender haze begin.

and so after all that she takes us to anti-hero. it’s me, hi, i’m the problem. i think this is probably the precursor to guilty as sin? — it’s saying, oh no. i’m the problem, fantasizing about my ex again (i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves/i wake up screaming from dreaming) and acknowledges that joe is going to leave her when he finds out (one day i‘ll watch as you’re leaving)

but she can’t stop. the fantasy continues to grow in snow on the beach. this song is filled a bunch of space/sky imagery — “a few moons ago,” “stars by the pocketful,” “your eyes are flying saucers from another planet.” let’s keep track of that imagery. (we’ll return to the all space stuff in a big way in down bad, but don’t worry, it’ll reappear on midnights.)

and then there’s the realization of you’re on your own kid. that’s right — you’re on your own, and you always have been. i think this is her deciding to separate her sense of identity from joe. and the first verse brings up a lot of images we see come back on ttpd: “summer went away, still the yearning stays” -> “another summer/rolling thunder/he don’t understand me” and “it’s okay we’re the best of friends” -> “but tell me who else is gonna know you?” and “you’re smoking with your boys” -> “you needed drugs more.” it’s tempting to interpret the first verse as a retrospective on her teenage years, but it could just as easily be about falling for matty while they were “just friends” and she was still with joe. but i think in yoyok she’s still trying to convince herself it’s not real: “just to learn that you never cared.” matty doesn’t want her, she thinks. but she has her songs. maybe that’s all she ever needed?

this triggers an even larger dive into the past: midnight rain. now she’s wondering if the reason she’s so resistant to marry joe is just a repeat of old patterns, so she dives into the past looking for answers. i maintain that midnight rain is about the muse of debut and i think it’s her looking over her own past and trying to make sense of what’s happening now. am i the problem? was i always the problem? am i incapable of marriage or is it just with this guy?

so now she has to know. she has to get answers. is this fantasy about matty her just replaying old patterns of leaving when things get serious? or is this thing she feels with matty something real? basically, can i ask you a question…? we don’t even need to dive any deeper into the 1989 era of it all. this song is pretty obvious. note that we return to the space imagery though: “does it feel like everything is just like second best after that meteor strike?”

i don’t feel like talking about vigilante shit because it’s a bad song but suffice to say i think it’s just her being admitting she’s okay sometimes being the villain. other than that it’s not really relevant to the matty narrative.

so then we get bejeweled. which was strange when it came out and hasn’t gotten less strange, but it’s kind of another step in deciding to leave joe behind. she can’t marry him, because she’s not sure matty isn’t actually the one for her. “when i meet the band, they ask do you have a man, i can still say i don’t.” is the band… perhaps… the 1975? and this is when she leaves. “what’s a girl gonna do? a diamond’s gotta shine.” she sets herself free. you can try to change her mind, but you can’t. she polished up real nice.

and then we get labyrinth. which to me only makes sense as a post-joe song. “it only hurts this much right now.” “i’ll be getting over you my whole life.” “break up break free break through break down.” but what saves her? the person who comes in right at the last second: matty. he turns the plane around. remember all the space imagery? my flight was awful thanks for asking? well, here he is. uh oh, i’m falling in love again.

and actually… she loves it. it feels like karma. (or maybe destiny.) for all her work, all her struggle, all her pain, she gets the guy in the end: the years of pining and coded songs all add up to this.

but she can’t hate joe. she could never hate him. she might have wanted to leave, but it wasn’t because he treated her badly. he never wanted anything from her. just sweet nothing. i don’t think sweet nothing is a breakup song; it was probably even written as a love song. but its placement on the tracklist makes it feel like a goodbye. “they said the end is coming,” she says. but she needed someone who saw her that way. it’s an i will always love you song. it’s a thank you.

and so we close: mastermind. the planets and all the stars aligned from snow on the beach and question. we’re up in space now. she’s been planting these seeds since back in 2014… and now she has him. matty. she did it. all the wisest women had to do it this way. doesn’t that sound like fucking politics and gender roles? the liquor in the cocktails that she’s always drunk on when she’s around him? but he knew the entire time. she’s a mastermind.

okay so that’s the standard edition. the bonus track being hits different makes sense if it’s the joe breakup — “it hits different this time.” she’s left people before, but never like this. she’s SAD! she’s waiting for his key in the door but it never comes. she might have been the one that left, but it still hurt like never before.

but the 3am tracks are the last bit of the puzzle. and here’s where i think we can take taylor’s word for them as sort of “vault tracks” because they don’t fit in the narrative of midnights, but they tell a story in themselves. and that story is of her and joe getting back together after all this.

the first one she tacks on is the great war, a song about making up after a fight. so she puts that one to first, to reassure that they actually made it through. then i think we get the “cutting room floor” tracks — that is, they’re out of order but all part of the larger story. we get another heartwrenching goodbye in bigger than the whole sky, a return to the delusional lavender haze and staring at the ceiling in paris, a song about cheating in high infidelity. all thematically relevant, but not perfectly fitting into the narrative of the original record.

then we get glitch, which imo is also a matty song. “depending on what kind of situationship im in” read: if joe and i are off or on. “2190 days of our love blackout” read: six years since the 1989 era where they dated originally. “nights are so starry” brings us back to the space imagery, the glitch video on spotify glitching to the 1989 tv of wildest dreams… “it must be counterfeit” will come back too, in loml when she says “something counterfeit is dead.” but here… it’s only getting started.

would’ve could’ve should’ve again sees her examining her patterns with toxic men, and begins a lot of the religious theming we’ll see return on ttpd. and then we close with dear reader, a song about self-loathing, and begging the listener not to take her advice because she’s not really a good person. she admits it: she cheats, she lies, joe has left her alone in the house (not a home, cause nobody’s there.) “you should find another guiding light,” she tells us. but she shines so bright…

anyway yeah. that’s my extended theory. i think it was supposed to be the goodbye to joe and mastermind was introducing matty, but then when they patched it up, the narrative changed and 3am tracks got added on and changed the direction. (it makes sense if those tracks were added on late, since they weren’t available physically for a long time after the record was released. hits different, the song about breaking up with a long term partner… was.) we could deep dive into every song and analyze the lyrical parallels with 1989, folkmore, and ttpd too (don’t get me started on the 1 and cardigan) but we’ll save that for another time.

and of course, we all know what happened next. but we wouldn’t be here without the chaos that was midnights. without it, we might never have gotten an answer to that one, burning question…?

now we have the answer. the only thing that’s left… is the manuscript.

[typing4mylife]

Gloomy and Friends: Comic #1

Ok here’s the first comic from the “Gloomy and Friends” collection pamphlet, starring Hurtmore the masochistic teddy-bear.

Please don’t judge my art skills too harshly, lol. This was over a decade ago, and I would like to think I’ve improved dramatically since then.

After seeing how incredibly talented the fans of my work are, I’m almost embarrassed to show them, but I think these comics will be a fun trip down memory lane. I’ll also include the dialogue below each panel as well. Younger me was more focused on choosing a font with a creepy aesthetic rather than one that’s actually readable. 😆

Hurtmore: I’ve finally done it!

Hurtmore: I’ve managed to put over 30 pins in my hand and break my record.

Hurtmore: Hmm … but … why stop there?

Hurtmore: I can’t tell if I’ve done something very good … or very bad ….

[artsy-dreamer]

Ok, story time 

So recently, I was shopping on the Target website, and I made a PHENOMENAL find… 

This tea party book I had when I was a kid?? 

I absolutely ADORED this book, read it over and over again until the pages came loose from the cover, and my grandma and I had a bunch of tea parties together and we made all kinds of things from the book 🥺 Very good memories… I hadn’t read it in years since I lost my copy, but I never forgot all the good times I had with this book 

So obviously, I wasn’t gonna pass up the opportunity to buy it… I thought it was maybe out of print or something, but no?? It was just?? Available to buy on Target dot com?? 

And then it got here, and I just?? Oh my gosh?? My CHILDHOOD???? 🥺🥺 

We made these!! 

We made them with flower stickers 😊 I remember that tea party being not as much fun as the others cuz there were bees, lol 

And we made these!! 

My grandma’s had the colors of her favorite team 😊 

And we made these!! 

Though we changed the recipe a bit- left out the butter and the pecans, specifically used cinnamon raisin bread iirc, and strawberry cream cheese! They were super good 😋 The flavors complement each other really well 

And we also made this 👀 

We made it with apple cider mix instead cuz I didn’t like tea… so much sugary goodness, lol :p And it was really good! While I still don’t really like tea by itself, I do like it mixed with other drinks (pomegranate lemonade, and of course boba) so maybe I actually would like this if it was made with actual tea… might have to try that sometime 🤔 

It was really fun being able to relive my childhood… I’d love to make some of this stuff again 😊 

But there was one thing that really threw me for a loop… 

The recipe for flute cookies 

Must be some sort of weird Mandela effect going on, because I specifically remember the recipe saying that Lorna Doone shortbread cookies would be the right shape… in fact, I specifically remember it being how I learned about the existence of Lorna Doone cookies in the first place, and I don’t remember even seeing them in person until years after I read the book

Maybe this is a newer edition and that part of the recipe was removed, since those cookies don’t come in flute shapes anymore? But I looked at the back of the book, and nope, this is the original edition 

And what’s even weirder, Lorna Doone cookies have been around since the 20s, and they’ve NEVER come in flute shapes… 

also apparently they’re not actual shortbread cuz they don’t contain butter, and there was some kind of lawsuit about it?? So that was interesting to learn, lol

So where on earth did this elaborate false memory come from?? It had to originate from somewhere… maybe there was a different recipe from an American Girl book or magazine, I really enjoyed those at that age 🤔 It’s just so weird… also why did I never realize until I got this new copy that you’re probably supposed to use this kind of cookie, lol

like it literally never occurred to me XD

So that was a really fun trip down memory lane… with an unexpected mystery twist 👀 Seriously, it’s such a lovely book

[safetytank]

long-ass floral drama ahead

after the roaring successes of my Anders DragonAge Did Nothing Wrong & How To Dungeons And Dragons Good presentations, the host of the original had a follow-up DTL night and u KNOW a bitch is incapable of not doing Way Too Much while simultaneously leaving everything to the last minute

so here u go, customers i interacted with while working at one of the local florists between 2017-2018, organized and ranked for ur entertainment

commentary added bc most the slides were just a visual component to a textual joke & i won’t make u all sit through a 10-minute video rendition, u got shit to do

every single older guy cheating on his partner follows exactly the same script, it’s like they were made in a lab

some did manage to break away from the mold tho, usually younger guys asking sheepishly if we had “i’m sorry” balloons (we did) or the following 2 honorable mentions for bringing innovations to the field of cheating on ur wife

imagine using a BIBLE VERSE to try and convince your girl she should take u back bc something something FORGIVENESS

the audacity

the second honorable mention is the very first customer complaint my manager handled after he was hired on back in like 2012, which was a guy whose girlfriend had looked at his credit card statement the day after Valentine’s Day and saw he’d sent 13 other one-dozen rose arrangements so he tried to convince her it must have been a credit card glitch & that he’d call and get it sorted out and my manager was like “lmao fuck no you’re not getting a refund, u made ur bed now lie in it asshole”

number 4 is the time a customer wanted an order wired to chicago for a loved one’s birthday and have it be sent to their job and i was like “oh how nice where do they work” and they were like “the leather museum” and me, internally, thinking “wow like cowboy stuff :)”

it was not cowboy stuff

number three i don’t even give a shit about censoring the name on bc if you know Vickie Fucking Fitzgerald in real life there’s no punishment u could enact upon me that would be greater than having to put up with Vickie Fucking Fitzgerald in real life

this slide is an example of a normal message someone might write on a card that comes in a floral arrangement, like 4-ish lines of text on a little plastic fork that says “happy birthday, love NAME 1 and NAME 2″ or “sorry for your loss, love THE LASTNAME FAMILY”

Vickie Fucking Fitzgerald does not know how cards on floral arrangements work

like damn bitch just send a letter at that point jesus christ

fun fact this was also a wire order so the other florist called us on the phone to be like “uhhhhh is this....correct” and we had to be like “yeah” and they went “ok, cool, just checking, uh, so we had to staple 4 different message cards together to fit all of it” and we were like “yeah bet u did lol���

vickie fucking fitzgerald was a million billion years old and if u saw her name pop up on the caller ID you learned to fear it bc it meant you’d be trapped on the phone for between 10 and 20 minutes listening to her entire life story in between trying to take a gd floral order

one time she wanted a funeral basket sent out of state to FUCKING ALASKA and we’re on the east coast of the united states so we were like “ok well there’s a 4 hour timezone difference and it’s 8am here so they’re not even open yet, we’ll have to wait til 12pm when they open up at 8 and then we can wire it for you so we’ll take down your order and call u back when it’s time to wire it”

yall wanna guess how many times this bitch called back to waste our time before 12pm

VICKIE YOU WENT ON FOR CUMULATIVE HOURS ABOUT HOW YOUR HUSBAND WAS DIVORCING YOU AND I’M BEGINNING TO SEE WHY HE MIGHT WANT TO

#2 is of course the dumb horny bullshit, bc it turns out if u order online and the quality control manager isn’t paying A Lot of attention u can slip all kinds of shit into ur card messages (just don’t do the entire fuckin Iliad like VFF up there)

this one gets put in horny jail because of the sheer AUDACITY of contacting someone who has either 1. been broken up with/divorced recently, or worse, 2. THEIR PARTNER FUCKING DIED, and THEN TRYING TO THROW YOUR HAT IN THE RING WITH THAT “I’VE ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE BEAUTIFUL, CATCH ME ON THE REBOUND BABY ;)” HORSESHIT

no comment

this one haunts me in the depths of night and will absolutely be the last thing i see when i close my eyes to slough off this mortal coil

this one yall get every single slide for bc the only reason it lives on in as much detail is due to me hopping on twitter immediately afterwards to preserve the memory while it was still fresh (the caller was not the ghost btw, she was a middle-aged acquaintance of the aforementioned Gay Nigerian Royalty Ghost)

shout out to every stock website i skimmed off for this presentation btw

we stan one gay ghost king (THIS JOKE WORKS ON MULTIPLE LEVELS)

WHY DID HE HAVE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS, YOU ASK

i cannot confirm literally any of this information please do not ask me to i was just paraphrasing what was told to me

here’s where we got into the really wild shit

if u ever worked retail u know this feeling

SO THE DELIVERY MANAGER COMES BACK IN THE DAY OF THE FUNERAL

and he’s like “so i walked in there to deliver the orders and the place was DECKED OUT in traditional fabrics, masks on the wall, everyone was dressed very traditionally, and i was like wow cool guess this guy was important” (he did not know about the International CIA Prosecutor stuff) and someone at the funeral home told him “oh yah we had to go all out bc the deceased’s family WERE A BRANCH OF THE NIGERIAN ROYAL FAMILY THAT HAD FLED TO THE UNITED STATES SOMETIME IN THE 80′S so obviously u can’t have a royal funeral and skimp on the decorations :)”

artist’s rendition

thank u for enjoying this little trip down memory lane also if u recognize urself or someone u know in any of these stories i blocked ur names out for a reason so don’t fuckin come at me ok

[perrie-edwards]

rules: to show appreciation of gifmakers and how much they grow and what they do, post one of your first gifs and one of your most recent gifs, then tag some gifmakers to see how much they’ve grown and improved. thank uuu for tagging me @jakeperalta​ <3

ok so i actually started learning how to gif by making a bunch of grace helbig gifs lmao 

all completely different dimensions because i had no idea that standard gif dimensions were even a thing lmao. rip to my once thriving grace helbig blog <3

here are some recent faves: 

probably the most important difference between the two is the sharpening/blurring and learning the power of color balance (it’s not a hazel set unless i have added at least three layers of color balance) 

this was a fun trip down memory lane lol maybe a dumb bitch does have some talent :’) but anyway tagging @likedaylight​ @dancingwithourshandstied​ @tayloralison​ @asterflor​ @taylorswit​ @robertsbarbie​ if u want!!

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[a-cai-jpg]

I feel like this is to assure myself and no one else.

It has recently come to my attention that real people actually read this blog. 

That sounds a little stupid, given that I religiously advertise it on both Snapchat and Instagram, but there was a part of me that assumed it would fly over the heads of most (see: all) people. And it's inherently contradictory, but I did not think a Real Person would take time out of their lives to read my utterly irrelevant musings.

I am terribly grateful to my friends and then some for deeming me important enough to click into this site. I am thankful for their validation when they don't just do it silently, lurking amidst the sans serif. One quoted my own words back at me in ALL CAPS, another sent me a video zooming in on my disgruntled face on the sidebar, and more mention it casually in passing conversation, jolting me into the reality that yes, this is A Thing.

But as I laid in bed and typed up the post two days ago, I'm suddenly reminded of why I rarely made my writing public.

I sound like an ungrateful little shit, and I'm truly happy whenever someone mentions The Thing (i just don't like the word blog), and I want to share The Thing with the world because it's a little scary thinking about how all your time and effort and words and emotion could be lost somewhere in the void, like an unread letter that's wandered off the post-trail, but.

Writing digs into the most vulnerable flesh of your heart and mind. I recently saw a quote, "We are writers, my love. We don't cry, We bleed on paper." And there are variations of this quote from others: "I don't think all writers are sad. I think it's the other way around: all sad people write;" "I didn't write it down to build a poem. I wrote it down because that is what I do with the things that unravel me. I drag them across a page."

I don't mean for this to take a maudlin turn, but writing is a salve for aches in the soul. I'm by no means a writer, but I like to think I write (s/o to my soulmate, jackson wang, who said, "i'm not a rapper...i just rap). And sometimes, sharing what I've "dragged across the page" is turning my skin inside out.

I'm definitely more comfortable with sharing my vulnerability through words on a sheet of paper (or words on a WordPad document) than through words spoken to another Real Person. 

In my junior year of high school, I sat in a hotel room in Sacramento with words stuck behind my clenched teeth. It was the most peculiar feeling, like if I loosened my jaw, I would vomit the words from my chest and they would tumble off the bedsheets and onto the floor, staining the hotel carpet. But the tension never snapped, and I scrawled them onto a torn sheet of paper instead.

Even now, I express the deepest parts of my emotions through letters. I think a large part of it is because I don't want to see the emotions unfold on someone's face. It's not that I don't want to see them, but I don't think I--this emotionally constipated individual--am capable of responding to them in a way that's not, "Uh. Yeah. Okay. Lol bye." And I feel like that's just not appropriate or sufficient in some circumstances. Better to just avoid the potentially awkward situation.

(yes this is not the most mature way to deal with emotions but spare me the lecture.)

And so, when I am writing, and not saying words at someone's face, I pull out the most intimate intricacies of my heart and twist them into phrases and sentences. And I like to do it without a filter.

But when I was writing these past few days, I was conscious of an audience. I began crafting sentences through the lens of what would this specific person think of this and oh my god what if this person reads this and fuck it ok just kidding we can't just fuck it sos. It was a dangerous balance between editing and re-editing and declaring, "Fuck the world, I write for me, and I'm going to write recklessly and with abandon."

This the main crux of the problem: there is me, the person that you know and talk to and maybe have grown up with, and then there is me, the person who spits words out onto The Thing. And sometimes the two me's mesh perfectly like a pattern overlaid on another to produce an image, and sometimes they don't. 

It's kind of like when you go clubbing with a childhood friend for the first time, and you've only known them as the youth group-going, favorite child of all Asian parents, and then y'all are in the club and damn okay they just took seven shots in a row. 

(I'm not speaking from personal experience.)

There is a moment of reckoning when you try to reconcile two facets of a person.

(Or maybe this is a me problem, but bear with me here.)

A few months ago, I took a trip with two of my closest friends to San Diego, to visit the college town where one of them spent four incredibly formative years. It was fun and beautiful and very, very disorienting, because in my egocentric point of view, I had forgotten that we lived these four years separately. Suddenly, he was introducing to me a different life, a different history that I wasn't part of, and I couldn't help but feel like I was sitting in the passenger seat of a stranger's car, listening to a crude imitation of a familiar playlist.

The feeling began somewhere on the 5 freeway, when he navigated the unfamiliar lanes with a practiced ease, and swelled as the sun set and he told stories about Mount Soledad and him and his friends.

And it was weird, because I felt like an intruder, even though I had been invited into his memories, and the unease took shape as silence and stilted words until he asked, "Are you okay? You seem weird." And the feeling was spilling onto the back of my hands as I gripped the skirt of my dress, but I couldn't beat it into words, so I unclenched my fists and fastened my seatbelt and choked out a, "Nah, I'm just tired."

I think I'm still in the process of working through this reckoning. It doesn't happen for all of my friends, and it's not always so discomforting. Sometimes, I scroll through Instagram pages with a sort of curious hunger to fill the years I’ve missed, and other times, I take the new information, file it as: Yeah okay, I could've predicted that. But then, there are the times where I can only search someone's face in silence, lump in my throat as I rewind our histories and try to find where one of them snagged and became out of sync.

The different facets of the self should, all in all, unveil the most authentic self. The more you get to know a person, the more you really know a person. I imagine it like you're building a three-dimensional sculpture, and with each new piece of information, you add another bit of plaster to it. Yet, I sometimes lose sight of what I'm trying to build, and when I see the blueprint again, I realize I've veered wildly off course. It's scary, every time I run into a moment like this, because it's like the person I knew, the friend I've had for a decade, was actually just someone I created in my mind, a person who overlapped at the edges with the Real Person, but ultimately, were not the same. And when the illusion disappears, I'm left with a stranger.

I'm exaggerating, but.

I'm a little scared this is what you will feel as you read this. I'm scared there will be no separation between the writer and the writing, and although writing reveals the deepest, most intimate parts of a person, is it really the authentic self? It's only a slice, a slice I had cut with carefully chosen words.

So I want to assure you, if you are someone like me who thinks they view the world on a wide-angle lens but really, only through a slit, and you are someone like me who reels when the cover is yanked away and you're left staggering through the new vista, that every sentence is a part of me, but who you know and who you talk to and who you message is a larger piece of me. And maybe we will never get to know each other fully, because that kind of privilege is saved for but a few, that doesn't make either of us any less authentic.

I sometimes wonder what character development looks like in the real world. When I was a sophomore in high school, I cringed so hard when my favorite English teacher tried to use my essay as an example in class that he almost immediately pulled it out from underneath the Elmo projector and used someone else's. In freshman year of college, I wanted to join a creative writing club, but after realizing that I wouldn't be able to submit my work for peer-editing anonymously, I banished that notion. Yet, for some reason, in my senior year, I decided I wanted to take a fiction writing course. On the day of my first workshop, my hands shook so much that I had to sit on them to stop trembling.

In the beginning of the class, I, myself, had a very difficult time separating the writing from the writer. I think especially in an intro class, students use facets of their own life to create fiction. I think even advanced writers do the same, because ultimately everything you write is you. And I did my fair share of speculation--why did she write about a sibling rivalry does she have a sister, hey did this guy study abroad in hong kong with you because he wrote about that, and huh i wonder if she grew up in florida this is beautiful.

It's the kind of speculation we do with the Greats. Did Shakespeare write Hamlet for his son, Hamnet? Who was Sonnet 18 written for? Was Shakespeare gay? Because see, in this one bit, he wrote.....

(i was a very bored AP lit student ok)

It's the same kind of speculation my friend did when she finished listening to a new song by Crush and said, "Oh, he must be dating." Or the speculation all the YouTube comments had when Jon Cozart and Dodie Clark released duo songs titled "Tourist: A Love Song from Paris" and "a non love song from nashville." It's the kind of speculation you do when you are given a slice of someone's soul, and suddenly, you want to understand the whole thing.

But that kind of scrutiny is uncomfortable. We're okay with doing it to Shakespeare, because the dude's dead. We're okay with doing it to big name artists because hello, Crush is not going to hear my friend talking about him. We're less okay with doing it in the public realm of YouTube comments because they are read by the content creators who explicitly said, "pls don't speculate." We are even less okay with doing it to our peers, and we are not okay with other people doing it to us. Okay, maybe I should just speak for myself.

My trajectory in that fiction writing class was backward. My first story was about a white male living in New Jersey. My last story was about a Chinese American woman who used to live in the suburbs of Los Angeles.

It wasn't planned.

It's as if my subconsciousness drew up barriers the minute I stepped into that classroom, and wrote a story as far removed from who I am as possible. 

Because really, who is going to think that the gas jockey with a hunger for divine power is me?

(sike.)

But I guess character development is becoming okay with vulnerability and with potential speculation, and as I wrote, I began writing closer and closer to the heart, pulling the words from the east coast to the west.

When the last workshop rolled around, I was calm, sitting at one of those awful, plasticky chairs with tiny, useless desks attached to one arm. I was neither defensive nor uncomfortable, like I thought I would be, just at peace and humbled as I listened to my classmates discuss the craft of my writing.

And I think that's the ultimate lesson: once you write something, or create something, and release out into the wild, it no longer belongs to you. It's an argument I used to make in my art history class, but it's an argument that John Green often makes when his readers ask him about the meaning behind his books.

I don't quite mean it like he does, when he says, "Books belong to their readers." I think that before the writing is consumed by the reader, it is its own entity, existing independently of both writers and readers. And when it is eventually taken up by the reader, the writer shouldn't feel a sense of possessiveness or vulnerability or fear about the content.

And shit, that really fucks up my other thing about trees falling in forests but anyways.

There are a load of other things I have to consider when suddenly, the dumb spools of thoughts in my brain become free content for the Internet. Like, privacy rights? Am I allowed to talk about this one thing my unnamed friend said, but wait, you can definitely tell who it is, oh fuuuuuu-. At what point is it oversharing? Do I get to decide the line between okay and TMI, or does me declaring that I am writing this for myself mean there is no line?

But, in the end, I just want to say thank you.

I’m really used to, as I’m sure many people are, presenting just one facet of my whole self to people. Every individual has a number of different roles, and each role comes with its own set of rules and norms. The sociological part of me says that this discomfort I’m feeling has a lot to do with the breaking down of norms. There is a certain playbook people go by when they lower their barriers, but this circumvents that.

And honestly, maybe I’m just thinking too much into it and all of this is for naught, but it was cathartic writing this all out, even if I had to take two very lengthy breaks to get my thoughts in order.

(just kidding, one of them was to watch Kingdom season 1).

There are so many things I am grateful for, and I fear that in the past week, I have been battling bad vibes and have forgotten how incredibly privileged I am.

So, here is List 16 of The 52 List Project (that my friend made me start legit in 2016 and I'm still on list 17)

List 16: List your Essentials 1. Family & Friends ✔ 2. Affirmation & Love ✔ 3. Achievement ✔ 4. Happiness ✔ 5. Hope & Dreams ✔ 6. Phone ✔ 7. ID/Card holder ✔ 8. Plush blankets ✔ 9. Stuffed animals ✔ (so many!) 10. Inspiration from a boy on skates ✔ (see: hope & legacy) 11. Good music ✔ (i gotchu fam, here's ur r&b fix) 12. Good books ✔ (go check out a book)  13. Good conversations ✔ 14. Thoughts ✔ 15. Creativity ✔ 16. Music ✔ 17. Possibilities ✔

[wintersoldeer]

ok here's some totally incoherent thoughts about endgame that i just have to write down or i might explode spoilers: i loved it also actual spoilers spoilers very spoilery spoilers

1. Steve and the goddddamn mjölnir!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!! when thor, iron man and cap were like 'aw yeahhh we're gonna fight thanos' i was like what the heckie is steve even doing there, supersoldier or not he's just a human. then thor drops his hammer and i’m like oh my gods please literally crossing my fingers. then thor’s fight is not going so well and oh no he definitely needs someone to save him! i’m like ohhhhhmygooddss. and THEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR YEARS HELL YEAHHHHH

2. steve & peggy dance. yes. just yes. fucking finally. i love it. it was perfect i cried

3. clint should’ve died. (finally haha) he was my fave since before the avengers and i was so sure he was going to die back then, but then he didn’t and look what’s became of him since.......... i had a violent flashback to watching age of ultron for the first time and for the first time just hoping that my fave character (that would be clint) would just die, bc they’re screwing his character over so badly........ and most definitely it. should.  not. have. been. natasha. who. died.  that was such a bullshit i mean WHAT THE FUCK????  i mean maybe clint and natasha were the only remaining avengers that actually loved each other (?¿¿????¿¿¿?¿ tho that’s just flimsy, i’m just trying to....idek) and that’s why it had to be them on that stupid fuckin death cliff, but why did natasha have to die?? just because clint had a family (still with no actual characterization, not that i even care, or maybe i would if the movies had given me any reason to...) to return to and she didn’t??that fucking sucks and what sucks even more is that not only was natasha the only character that died (i’m not even counting tony, bc that was very Different) but she’s the only original female avenger AND it’s the same stupd fucking rock that the only original female gotg gamora died in such a bullshit way just last movie??? goddddd i hated that so much like maybe if she hadn’t been the first one to die and all the original avengers would’ve died as was i kinda hoping (tho i love happy endings so i didn’t actually hope that it would happen..), maybe then i would be okay with her being dead. now i am very much not okay, and that means very much not okay in a angry way, not in a sad way

4. speaking of death: to me tony’s was perfect. i might not be the biggest fan of how he always got the most screentime and a bigger role than other characters, but i can’t deny that he definitely is the heart of the whole mcu and it had to be him who saves the day in the end and what else could it have been that a very tony-like self-sacrifice..... god i cried. i loved that he got a funeral (even tho natasha didn’t...) and i loved his funeral with all the people and fricking harley and then the kid saying how much she likes cheeseburgers and the frickin ‘proof that tony stark has a heart’ and sfghkklkghhhh

5. i gasped audibly when i noticed that natasha was wearing the arrow necklace

6. i kinda forgot that vision ever even existed..... in the end i first thought that wanda was talking about pietro and then i was like ok well maybe not maybe she’s talking about tony or something WHICH MAKES NO SENSE LOL i don’t even remember what she actually said, but as was pointed out to me, she was probably talking about vision. who was a thing that existed... whoops

7. ugh i hate brucenat, i really thought we were over that shit already. i also very much disliked that they actually decided to go with professor hulk, but idk w/e i don’t care that much. but natasha’s death sucked tho and the one thing i do not want to see is bruce’s pain or whatever when the movie didn’t even give me the time or reason to actually grieve for her goddd that whole thing was such a bullshit

8. i did not like that thor was treated as a joke most of his screentime........

9. that stevepeggy dance tho. love it. it’ll probably take me at least another seven years to get over it

10. i fricking adored the whole going back in time thing, especially the 2012. the callbacks and the humor really worked for me, the elevator scene straight from cap2 but reversed and hail hydra and steve fighting steve and loki’s expressions when things go wrong and goddhhh i loved it all aaaaaaa, that was the moment when i was like ok i need to see this movie again immediately.... also the fact that their time travel rules were that they were just creating new paths or w/e i guess, and not actually changing what happened to them specifically... good. so many aus

11. that final battle was so perfectly epic

12. tho shouldn’t valkyrie’s (who really just doesn’t have a real name, now does she..) horse have died after being shot haha

13. i loved that clint had the gauntlet for so long, like he’s definitely the Least Qualified Person to keep it safe, why would that be his job, it was amazing

14. i hated natasha’s death with burning passion, but i loved how she and clint fought each other over who gets to throw themselves off that cliff. tho i really hoped that their ‘yeahh we know what we have to do’ would’ve rather meant that they decided to just throw red skull down bc who even knows if it even actually needs love sacrifice or w/e, a soul is a soul is a soul

15. i loved the human jarvis whatever-his-first-name-was cameo and i really need to finally watch/rewatch agent carter

16. i really liked the tony howard scene even if i thought it felt a bit iffy, bc i feel like there’s so much more to unpack w/ those daddy issues.... but maybe that scene means that there is that one universe where howard was actually a good dad. i want to believe that. yeah. (maybe not but let me dream)

17. i like how they totally forgot that sharon carter ever even existed

18. damn that moment when black panther comes through that portal

19. damn that moment when gi ant-man is giant

20. damn that final battle was so epic

21. damn that steve with mjölnir

22. this movie was SO GOOD when it was good and so mehhh when it was bad, and i’m really glad that it was just good enough that i can forgive overlook all of its flaws. (tho i will not forgive what they did to natasha, even if i can mostly ignore it when thinking about how good most of the rest of the movie was) but idk if it would’ve been perfect, maybe i wouldn’t have survived like there’s this One Huge Thing (natasha) that really brings down the movie that otherwise would’ve been just Amazing

23. i don’t know if my heart has ever beaten as fast as when steve finally picks up the hammer. never while watching a movie, at least

24. i love that carol has her short haircut, bc it bothered me so much in cpn marvel that she should not have been able to see anything when her hair was just constantly on her face haha

25. i feel nothing but seething resentment towards clint’s stupid family and that stupid family man role he is stuck with

26. why was natasha’s hair so weird and ugly. why can’t it just be red??

27. clint’s hair was weird and ugly too and i think i have finally kinda given up on mcu!clint (tho he has those small Very Good moments and i cry for what could’ve been.....we could’ve have it aaaaaalllll.... i think i’m going to watch swat (2003) again and still pretend it’s the clint backstory movie i deserve haha, it’s been ages since i’ve seen it idk if it would still work for me, i’m gonna try)

28. i love nebula tho

29. i loved the trip down memory lane! frigga!!!! the way the continuation of the avengers capturing loki just felt so natural and like it probably happened just like that! nebula and rhodey judging quill’s singing and dancing haha yes! everything! just as i was hoping it would be!

30. doesn’t really have anything to do with this movie but: i still firmly believe that coulson never died. i still firmly believe that pietro never died. 

31. falcon cap helll yeah!!

32. i guess i’ll never get my strike team delta movie with clintasha best friends soulmates and with buckynat and the red room.........  goddd there really should’ve been a black widow movie after cap2. like that was The Perfect Spot for a black widow movie, it’s really a crime that there isn’t one, and even if they make a black widow movie now, it’ll definitely be too little too late.

33. like..... a for effort..... for that female heroes girl power.... ughhhh.... scene, i guess, but that. does. not. cut. it. when you have just killed natasha

34. things i really wished they would say in some perfect moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble!” “i am iron man”. things they did say in those moments: “hail hydra” “avengers assemble” “i am iron man”, gogssgddd that was perfect (ok i also really did wish steve would’ve said the “i could do this all day” in the fight but couldn’t say bc the movie had just made fun of that.. i’m kinda sad but haha it’s not that big of a deal, maybe if he hadnt said it in civil war which i dont like but well...)

35. haha people are already complaining about the steve going back thing and how it’s definitely not moving on and erasing character development or whatever and HA. i finally got my stevepeggy dance i don’t care about anything else i am so happy!!!!!

36. i am so glad i managed to avoid any spoilers bc i hear that there was some pretty massive ones going around??¿?¿?

37. also: ok from here on out i am not here for any of you negative nancys complaining (probably very reasonable complaints idec) about the movie, god i really wish it was 2012 again

38. in final thoughts: i absolutely loved it and i love that it turns out that i’m apparently still very much marvel trash........ if natasha hadn’t died, especially in such a bullshit way, i would’ve been able to overlook everything else that was kinda meh about the movie and just purely and blindly loved it. i still did love it, a lot, but now there’s that bitter aftertaste.....

ok now, maybe that’s enough rambling and repeating myself....... i’m going to need to see it again asap

//EDIT

39. I FORGOT TO MENTION IT BC I FORGOT ABOUT IT but goooooooooodddd i loved nebula and tony playing that game in the beginning and tony letting nebula win ääääää

[howlingwind]

SERRA DELIA KELLER who strongly resembles MELISA PAMUK, has been spotted in Pandæmonium. The CISFEMALE is a TWENTY SIX / ~150 year old DHAMPIR, and has been in Pandæmonium for FIVE YEARS. I hear they’re CUNNING & ADAPTABLE and UNSCRUPULOUS & WICKED. If you’re lucky you may catch them working at EQUINOX as the OWNER.

ok so full-ish bio down below but cliff notes, she’s the actual jack the ripper.

likes: long walks down dark alleys, gutting randos (particularly women, especially of the homophobic variety), the taste of blood, using sex as a weapon, using other things as weapons, manipulation, and torture.

dislikes: a fucking lot

has the weirdest mash-up of accents ever. she was raised early on by her father, a native of turkey (turkish accent), grew up in london’s east end (cockney accent), moved to notting hill (queen’s english). however for the majority of her life, she’s lived in new orleans (uptown nola accent). it’s odd and she knows it, but doesn’t shy away from it.

had a thing with ana volkov once. met her early in life when she required her services, and has sought her out a few times since. still need to work out the details more w/ dani, but she’s definitely met her match there. in more ways than one as far as serra’s concerned.

had a phase during her jack the ripper days where she ate human organs. it was a thing. she liked the idea of it more than anything, and eventually it lost its appeal.

in case you couldn’t tell yet, she’s sadistic and twisted as fuck. not as much as she used to be, but yeah, still not normal lol

pretty rich. owns equinox, used to own a restaurant in new orleans, owns a lot of properties all over the world. she got inheritance money from a family she compelled to adopt her.

has the personality of a spoiled teenage heiress tbh so i’m sure everyone she meets will love her lmao

this is the story of the woman behind the ‘whitechapel murders’ of 1888 and other slayings attributed to the unidentified serial killer known as jack the ripper.

london, england. early 19th century. a turkish vampire has made a humble life for himself on the east end after being hunted and chased out of his home country. he meets a human woman, falls in love. she bears him a child. the birth had complications, she required a cesarean delivery. the man insisted on being by his wife’s side throughout. it was the first time he’d ever seen her bleed. he’d been living on the blood of rats to survive, keep his head down, and keep the promise he made to his wife not to harm anyone. he broke that promise. slaughtered everyone in the room. doctors, nurses… his wife. he drank every last drop of her, then took the baby to raise on his own. named her serra, after her grandmother, and delia, after her mother.

serra’s early childhood was full of nothing but fond memories, as are most. her father was her hero, her protector, her entire world. their lives were humble and secretive, but it was all she’d ever known. then one day her world’s ripped to shreds when a hunter breaks into their home and slices his head clean off while she hides under the floor boards. after that she lived on the streets, a beggar and thief before the age of ten. it’s around this time she begins to realize she’s not like the other children. she’s faster, stronger, can hear the blood coursing through people’s veins. it’s scary at first, but she spends the next year on the streets, exploring her powers, honing her ability. one day, lying in an alley, eating scraps, she has a crucial epiphany — she has the power to change her situation. so she stands up, marches herself from brick lane all the way over to notting hill, finds the richest looking woman she can, walks up to her, looks her in the eye, and says “love me.” so the woman takes serra home to her husband and children, and serra compels them all just the same. she was adopted soon after, and from then on, she lived in the lap of luxury.

her life was relatively quiet and happy after that. she settled into her new family nicely, and she actually thought they may have grown to care for her even without the compulsion. that wasn’t necessarily a good thing, however. serra was only sixteen when she began to notice it. the lingering looks, intense stares… the innuendo that her adoptive father would lace into every word he spoke to her. for a while she thought she was just imagining it, until eventually over the next couple years the advances became more overt, and moved beyond just words. “love me,” she’d instructed all those years ago. she should have been more specific. to this day she’s still unsure if it was just her nerves and fear, if she’d let it fester too long to be fixed, or if it wasn’t the compulsion at all, but despite her best attempts, she was never able to reverse what she thought she’d done. so she went back to the east end for the first time since the day she left, made some inquiries, influenced some poor souls to divulge information they shouldn’t have had. serra needed someone to clean up a mess by creating one, and thus she sought out the services of anastasia volkov.

serra wanted to be party to the murder. the fiend in her home was growing bolder by the day and it made her skin crawl. she wanted to see the life leave his eyes and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’d never be back. serra stayed close to ana as they approached the man, and smiled as she watched his throat be splayed open. having such a close, front row seat, she’d gotten blood on her face, dripping down onto her lips, slipping between the cracks and dancing on her tongue. it was the most delightful thing she’d ever tasted, but she knew it was wrong to enjoy it like she did and vowed never to taste another drop of human blood. that vow was broken within two weeks, obviously. 

england at the time was fairly bigoted when it came to the matter of same sex relationships, but it just so happened those were the only kind that serra was interested in pursuing. but simply being attracted to another woman and making her move was considered a shameful, criminal act. when at her best friend’s house in whitechapel — they’d become friends before she realized the girl was poor — serra felt a sort of spark that she was sure the other girl felt too, so she kissed her. the other girl freaked out, and told her she was going to have her arrested. serra couldn’t have that. (at the time, she didn’t realize there was no legislation against lesbians, she only knew the hatred and fear behind her friend’s threat). she wrapped her hand around the girl’s jaw, muffled her screams, and fed until she’d drained all the life from her body. then she went downstairs. she was so exhilarated and giddy at the feeling of all that blood rushing through her system. she felt powerful. so she decided to exert a bit of that energy on the girl’s mother, using only her fingernail to rip her abdomen wide open. serra was absolutely enamored with the feeling. addicted to it. she had a new hobby. so she continued on down that path, killing a new woman every now and then, getting more creative — artistic with the murders, taking delight in her craft, taunting the police with letters and other obvious evidence just lying around. but of course, no one ever suspected a woman. especially not a young, unassuming woman like serra keller. a serial killer. she liked the sound of that.

eventually the murders lost their luster. either serra was growing up, or it was no longer fun to play the game of cat and mouse when she was never in danger of being suspected, let alone caught or imprisoned. after some time, with nothing left for her in london (except for some questions about why she appeared to be twenty when she should have been in her fifties) she moved across the pond to new orleans, opened a restaurant, and settled into a mostly quiet life. still occasionally having her fun with some unfortunate party-goers during mardi gras, or taking trips abroad to take in the view, enjoy the local “cuisine”, or get up to some other deplorable high-jinks. it was a good life, if not a tad bit boring. until recent years. she heard of a town called pandemonium, a supernatural haven, and the thought of it was enticing. a place where she could live freely as the dhampir that she was, and perhaps even find companionship with people that shared her taste for blood and murder. at the drop of a hat she picked up and left to see what awaited her in a town of monsters.

[spookyhoax]

black butler was the first anime i ever watched when i was about 13 and i had pretty much put it out of my mind but i just saw a picture of ronald knox and HOLY SHIT it all came flooding back. i’m gonna ramble and put this under a read more

i’m not saying it was a good anime because it.. was not. but it is weird thinking back on being 13 and watching it and just like where i was in life lol. i was a super depressed dyke in the 7th grade at what felt like one of the preppiest and whitest public schools ever. and of course i was into ALL of the things that people make fun of you for liking hsgdhs

and holy shit i remember having one of the issues of the manga under my chair to read when i finished a standardized test in 7/8th grade and my Good Southern Christian science teacher literally called me over to ask if i was okay after seeing the cover...... like she thought i was disturbed or violent because i was reading a story about demons jchdhsjdnd i remember it was this cover

anyways the difference between the manga and anime is wild like it really is a prime example of how some animes suck the life out of their characters

lol ok that’s it, just felt like going on a trip down memory lane!

[wobster109]

Chopin Comp Stage 3 - Oct 14

Click to go to master post for explanation and link to all parts

Morning (coming soon)

Afternoon

Kyohei Sorita - Yay, got to catch a Sorita round! First mazurka a bit rhythmically strange? Notes in rh and lh super separated in timing. These mazurkas are nice I guess. I don't understand them. This is a nice first movement! He took the optional repeat, it was nice! The chaotic middle part was SO DRAMATIC! I loved it <3 Great first movement! Nice start to scherzo movement. He can get a really powerful sound out of it! It has a good energy, he is definitely driving it. The funeral march starting out restrained, but wow has it got a mood! Really even middle section, barely any rubato. I think it works. Feels really calm like. . . actually like standing alone in a graveyard with a single bird flying overhead. it's so even. amazing control of pianissimo sections. Ok this fourth movement was SO GOOD! Really soft largo piece which I'm afraid I don't understand. Cool and very energetic polonaise. Lots of people are putting donations into the live chat! The internet audience has spoken! Omg the speed of this fast section is on fire! A couple slips. Overall massively brilliant concert!

Hayato Sumino - The chat is flying. I guess that's what happens when this guy comes on. I hear he's a youtube celebrity. Glad I finally got to hear him! I'm liking these mazurkas! I like that every note is intentional. nice start to polonaise-fantasy. I'm not feeling this polonaise fantasy somehow. well, I don't understand this piece. Nice entrance into the sonata! Needs some deeper shaping, I think. He's playing the notes musically, just... it doesn't have the depth of understanding somehow. funeral march definitely too fast. need to let it ring a bit more, and make it feel more measured and inexhorable. Nice fourth movement! Nice scherzo. A few note mashes in rh. The twinkles are not as twinkly as I'd like. Ended right on the time limit! In my opinion he's legit! solid but not dazzling. not sure if solid will be enough for stage 3.

Andrzej Wiercinski - Ha, these mazurkas again, for the second time out of 3 times we'll be hearing it in this session. Wayyyy too much rubato imo. The rest of the mazurkas seemed fine. This scherzo is fun. Nice runs. Nice mood. This is turning out to be a nice scherzo! Got a little messy at the end. Yay, this sonata! Lovely start to it! Fast sections a bit messy at times. This slow movement is so lovely! Oh I love the fourth movement too! Hmm the fast parts are a bit messy here too. I'd forgotten how much I love this sonata!

Piotr Alexewicz - 24 preludes lezgo!!! Ok I've had it with these mazurkas lol. Three times in a row is too many. The mazurkas seemed fine lol. Yay, preludes! Wow this prelude 3 is so familiar. A few note slips? This prelude 4 is mega familiar too! Omg prelude 7 is a prelude! Always thought it was a waltz! This is a trip down memory lane! Whoa this prelude 8 is wild! Huh. I definitely played this prelude 16 before but can't remember how or where, only that it sounded weird and I never got it up to speed. It sounds a lot cooler here! Whooo prelude 20 is a big mood! I love prelude 24! This first run is nice! The a minor scale got a little muddled. The scale with the thirds didn't go so well. Glad to hear the preludes though!

My recs

Kyohei Sorita (Sonata) - He is a master of this sonata! He has a really profound understanding of it. When he plays it, he pulls shapes and themes out like I couldn't believe! It feels like he's gone past the notes and is driving at something through the notes, it's hard to explain, but it's so good! He has a huge dynamic range, total control over very pianissimo sections and also can make a full, powerful sound.

Comments

Sonata 2 (the funeral march sonata) has kind of a really similar feel to Ballade 2, my favorite ballade. Incidentally, my teacher assigned me both of them back in the day. He also assigned me Brahms Rhapsody 1, which also has that same aura and mood. I guess he liked pieces that are just Like That.

Sonata 3 is so lovely! Classically dramatic and beautiful. It sweeps you up and carries you away! A lot more standard than the funeral march one which is wildly bizarre but also incredible. That fourth movement is practically abstract art.

So, when I saw "all Preludes, Op. 28" on the repertoire list, I totally thought it would be like 6 or so preludes, and was flabberghasted to see 24! Ooof! I looked on youtube and a complete performance takes like 40 minutes! So that leaves 15 minutes to do the mazurkas and be done, and you don't get any additional pieces! I was hoping! Hoping that someone would be bold enough to choose them, and was not disappointed! @if-it-isnt-cello said that 3 people would be doing the preludes, and I'm lucky one of them was during a session I could catch!

I loved hearing the preludes. So many of them were massively familiar. I think lots of people would be familiar with at least some of them, unlike etudes where most would never have learned them. In all my years of piano I was never assigned a single Chopin etude (all the ones I learned were independently). But I think some of the preludes are part of the standard piano-student repertoire, and I love that they are relatable to the audience that way. It's a unique feeling to hear a piece and go "oh I played that", and to know what it should sound like and what to expect.