#ok fine it's a little long but not REALLY
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god. pacing. this is ROTD spiff so badly its INCREDIBLE.
so like. i DID intend ROTD spiff to be an asshole!! lord barkis is SUCH an asshole in the movie! he's visibly older than victoria by a good bit. he flirts with her in a way that just feels. sooo gross. there's a scene in the movie that I didn't adapt to the fic because I didn't want ANOTHER pov change where Lord Barkis (IIRC) talks to a portrait of Victoria and says something along the lines of how she wont have to suffer this union for very long. BRO. YOU'RE IN THEIR DAMN HOUSE STILL. I intended ROTD spiff to be similar! just rude and an asshole and unrepentant about his crimes!
and then he just. wasn't. and it's mostly my own fault jakdfjs.
My first mistake was that I made Spiff too young. I made him too close to my age, which made me keep thinking about how I would've felt- I'm turning 20 in march, and I made him 20 in Jan of 1877, which makes him 17 in 1874 when he murders Dan.
My second, and primary, mistake is that I thought about him for too long. When writing the final chapter, I went. huh. Spiff is 20 here, a few years younger than Kevin and Seán (who are 21 and 22-almost-23 in Jan 1877 respectively). and he killed a guy at 17. That's gotta fuck a guy up.
and then i couldnt stop thinking about it. ok. abstracted, we have a guy that has killed a guy and planned to kill another and is still literally only 20. age is not an excuse for Actual Premeditated Murder but you can't tell me that it didn't fuck him up, at least a little. and add that on top of the possibility that he killed the only person who genuinely, really cared about him. how long do you think he deliberated on if he was going to go through with his plan. do you think there was a span of time where he truly let himself love dan. do you think answering "yes" or "no" to those questions makes it worse?
i reblogged this post into the rotd tag back in April. i think that's a good summary of ROTD spiff. a guy who was unloved (woa what who said that) and couldn't handle being loved and made the worst mistake of his life. and proceeded to keep making it because then he could pretend he meant it. spiff can be summed up by "hubris and hates it" i think.
there's a lot of similarities between spiff and jim I think. interpret that as you will. there's actually a really rough idea for an alternative universe where everything turns out fine because jim or grim or someone finds out about spiff's plan to kill Seán before he goes through with it. jim and spiff are murder buddies and rtspiff reconcile- the trio shifts into a strange little polycule in that verse.
and while writing the finale I started toying around with the idea of writing his perspective, and then i listened to a few songs that gave me a few ideas for future events and it was all over. He hasn't left my head. I'm thinking about him ALL THE TIME. I'm only barely exaggerating.
hes a squeaky toy to me. im chewing on him. I'm making him cry. I'm making it better but I'm making him cry.
woa hold on i just rambled a LOT I'm so sorry aksjdfksa I need to go listen to his playlist maybe then ill feel better
#btw when i was referencing the screenplay for what barkis says to victorias portrait i found:#1- a rendition of Remains Of The Day that is so completely different that involves Emily dying to a coach robber??? WILD??????#2- when Barkis ''flirts'' with Victoria in the section that's in chapter 7 the screenplay says AND I QUOTE#''Barkis eyes Victoria the same way a cat looks at a pet parakeet''#OKAY. WILD. FASCINATING!!!!!!!!!#screenplay version. you intrigue me.#also barkis is an ACCOUNTANT???????????????? OK?#ROTD#im sorry i care he
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⋆☀︎。Smile Back ... At Me ⏾⋆.˚
Grumpy!Vessel x Sunshine!Reader
grumpy/sunshine, sickfic, housemates, fem!reader, hurt/comfort, fluff goes smut
a/n: there's easter eggs in here for three people 🧍🏻♀️
Taglist (that I decided I have now): @inv3ga
“No no no. Don’t do this. Please. Please!” Vessel was distraught. Panicked. Verging on crisis. He stared at himself in the mirror, white knuckling the vanity. “Get it together, Ves. Don’t…don’t.” His breath was ragged…”fuuuuuck...”
How many sneezes in a row was that? 5? Oh…oh they’re still going. You knock on the bathroom door softly. Vessel rips the door open with a scowl, his nose and eyes red from whatever irritant deigned to infect your intrepid workaholic housemate.
“What?” He asks, deadpan.
“I heard you sneeze like…8 times in a row. That’s concerning.”
“Yes. Thank you, doctor. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get cleaned up and go to work.” He looks you up and down. “Think you ought to do the same?”
You look down for a second at your pjs and gasp. Work? “Oh shit! I…hey… wait a minute!” Vessel just titters as he splashes some water on his face. “It’s my day off!” Again, he chuckles and pushes past you. “You know for someone so crotchety with me you sure know a lot about my schedule!” But he’s already down the hall. Of the housemates, Ves was the one you had the least positive interactions with…and yet…you saw each other the most. It just worked out that way with your schedules. Ves could go to the studio or work from home at will, and you seemed always to be home at the same time.
“You’ve done this on purpose. To torment me.” Ves said once as his phone buzzed incessantly with notifications as you input your schedule in the shared housemate calendar. And, in your endlessly witty, carefree way, you responded “Aw Ves, finally you’re noticing all I do for you!” For the record, Vessel doesn’t hate you. He doesn’t really hate anyone. No. He’s just a little brusque. And short tempered. And he just likes things done a certain way, ok? You, on the other hand, seem too happy to be here. What are you plotting, he wonders sometimes.
But today those thoughts are dulled by a throbbing pain behind his eye and the annoying feeling of his nose leaking at any moment. By 2:30, he’s ready for a 20 year long nap. He rubs his face in agony as he sits at the control panel. Usually the studio is a reprieve but one of his worst nightmares is unfolding. He’s sick. He has a cold. A sinus infection? Christ…the flu? He has to push through. He has to see this day to the end and finish this…”fuck it I’m done. I’m going home.”
“Literally just asked how the cymbals sounded, man. For fuck’s sake.” Even poor ii wasn’t safe from Vessel’s sick tirade. The two share a silent look of “the hell is wrong with you/me?”
“Sorry mate,” Vessel rubs his temples and sniffs. “Uhm…yeah…there could be more…definition or whatever. I’ll see you lot later.” Vessel sulks out of the studio and towards the bus stop. If this was a comic strip, he’d be kicking a can with little fumes over his head. Vessel hates getting sick. It throws off his groove. Makes him unproductive. He’s no stranger to powering through but it doesn’t seem worth it this time around. This makes him feel weak. Like once he gets better he’ll need to work 10x harder just to make up for his time off. Make it up for who? Well…the label, for one thing. And ii. Part of his brain says “it’s only for yourself,” but he pushes that aside. Yeah he’s proud but he still needs to prove to everyone else he’s fine. He can manage. Hasn’t he always landed on his feet? Looking out the bus window at the passing houses and buildings doesn’t provide any distraction—just more fodder for his migraine. As Vessel rests his temple against the window, his phone vibrates, but he ignores it. Whatever it is couldn’t make him feel any worse...oh but he was wrong. So very wrong.
You: I’m sure you saw this on the calendar but it’s just us for the weekend. Are you still feeling sick? Want me to get some soup? Let me know. :)
You’re not surprised Vessel doesn’t reply to you. He’s at work and, well, you’re you. As you’re about to text him again, because you reaaaaalllllly want to get a jump on ordering food, he comes through the front door. “Tsk, you look miserable.”
Vessel so badly wants to be snarky. To tell you what an astute observation you’ve made. “I am…where is everyone?” You look at him a bit quizzically and tell you texted him…and that their trip was on the calendar, etc etc. Oh the defeated sigh he lets out! The misery of being cooped up with someone so chronically pleasant might do his head in if this migraine doesn’t first. And maybe it wasn’t your best idea to follow him to his room to ask if he needed or wanted anything, if he was hungry, did he have a fever, can you do— “Have you considered leaving me alone? You’re not my mum and you’re definitely not my girlfriend! Can take care of myself just fine without you flitting about trying to fix everyone’s problems…maybe you should...” He stops himself and rubs his hand down his face with a heavy sigh. “Fuck it. It’s not worth what little energy I have. Let me know what takeaway you’re thinking.” He shuts the door and leaves you in the hall. Was he suggesting that you spend more time on others than yourself? How dare he? How dare he be right and sound mean about it. But you don’t pout long because he opens the door again, but this time his shirt is off. Your eyes trace the curve of his shoulders…down to the ridges of his chest and abs. Close enough to touch. ‘Stop…he’s sick. And your roommate.’ He sniffs hard. He’s so stopped up. “I…should not be like that. I’m sorry. Pizza?” You look away, feeling shitty after overstepping…he must be really sick if you got an immediate apology.
“Don’t you think something like soup or…you know what? We’ll do whatever you want.” That elicits a soft smile from him...with teeth no less.. Wait…”you just smiled at me. An honest to god smile...Ves…”
“Oh, sh-shut up.”
After dinner Vessel feels…weird. His head and body hurts…he can’t even think straight. And you notice. He can barely stay awake but there’s no way he’d be comfy on the couch. His long legs…you imagine him trying to curl up and get comfortable like a big dog on a tiny bed. You take a chance and put your hand on his shoulder. “Let me help you get in bed.” He sighs heavily like you asked him to give up music. “Is it really this hard to accept some kindness?” Apparently that was a shit question because he huffs and takes himself to bed. Fine. Maybe you should leave it alone but damnit he needs help…and attention. You come into his room with your arms full.
“What are you…” But you cut him off by dumping a big blue quilt on him.
“I always always always sweat shit out with this quilt.”
“I don’t have a fever.”
“Oh well, it’ll make you feel better. And…alsooooooo…” you hand him a stuffed puppy with floppy ears and a dumb, goofy look stitched on his face. “Just give him a squeeze.” Vessel looks at the stuffed dog and the quilt but can’t seem to look at you. If anything he’s looking down and past your feet.
“As persistent as my cold, you know that?”
“You deserve a break. Let me know if you need something…you know where I am.”
“H-hey…wait…” You look back at him, and it’s as if he’s forgotten how to breathe. Did he ever know in the first place? All he knows is that any breath he takes after this night is for something beyond the music. Beyond himself, even though his efforts there are questionable. “Sit with me…for a bit?”
And you did. All night. Waking up next to him hugging your stuffed dog under your “sick day” quilt was such a sight. His eyebrows knit together like he was thinking. It must have been a fever dream, you think, as he groans softly and clutches the dog closer. You want to reach out, move the hair off his brow, feel if he has a fever…caress him. But you have to at least act like you know better. When he blinks awake he gives a lazy smile.
“You shouldn’t have stayed in here. What if you get sick?”
“I could deal.”
“Hm. Maybe you’d accept some kindness in return?��
After his cold finally fucks off, Vessel looks at you differently. Not necessarily because you did something for him. No. There was something different. After he snapped at you, and then later after you two had a long conversation about nothing before he drifted off, Vessel noticed something behind your eyes. God, those eyes. His walls came down. He was defenseless. It’s not like you’re best friends now or anything, but he felt moved to treat you gently. Hell, to smile back at the very least.
Late one night, long after everyone went to bed, Ves notices your bedroom light is still on. “What am I doing?” He whispers to himself, but apparently too loudly because soon you’re opening your door.
“Oh thank fuck it’s you. Thought I was hearing things.”
“Jus’ me…I…why are you up? It’s 1:30.” You shrug. There’s that look again. He has to dig. He has to pry just a little. Just like you had with him. “Can I come in?”
You nod and let him in, motioning for him to sit on the bed. He sees your laptop out and wants to ask what you were up to, but you quickly put it away. “Better question is why you’re awake, Ves.”
He smiles sheepishly and rubs the back of his neck. “So no one has a good excuse, hm?”
“Hm.” You tease back, gently pinching his arm. He looks down at your fingers on him and his heart flutters. Ves lets his gaze drift slowly up your body…taking in every curve and slight movement before resting on your eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
“W-w-what…? What are y-?” You try to act nonchalant.
“Can just tell…something’s off with you.”
You sigh heavily and look up at the ceiling. “This…” you put your hands out, “is actually my natural state. Tense. Not nearly as bubbly or…like”
“A sunshine girl?”
“Yeah or…a sunshine girl.”
Vessel looks at you with a sympathetic smile…he can see that blush dusting your pretty cheeks. He lets his hand rest on your shoulder, squeezing it slightly but then pausing. “You’re knotted up, love. Can I…?” Without even hearing your answer, he moves behind you and rubs your shoulders. It hurts a little, only because you’re so tense. His wide hands cover your shoulders and luxuriously knead into your muscles. “What’s made you so tight,” he rasps close to your ear, “Hm? What’s eating at you?”
You can’t help it. Your head lolls back to his chest and turns so you can look up at him. “All I do is run around taking care of business and other people. I don’t know how to care about myself.”
He can’t stop himself. Brain shutting down. Hands and lips have a mind of their own now. “I’m not gonna sit here and let you run yourself into the ground like I did. You should care about yourself…I…I could teach you…” Vessel trails his nose up your neck and kisses your ear softly before you jump up.
“Jesus, dude, you can’t just come in here and…” but fuck it he doesn’t look precious wiping his hand down his face and hiding the strain in his pants. “Oh…fuck… actually you totally can.” Immediately you’re straddling his lap, held in place by his soft hands cupping your face…pressing you desperately into his. His kisses trail hungrily down your jaw and to your neck. He finds your pulse point and claims it with his hot, open mouthed kisses. Your hips grind against him like it’s the most obvious thing in the world…but of course, he adjusted to press his strong thigh against you...you are supposed to do this. Suddenly your thoughts are poisoned with guilt as you realize how tightly you’re squeezing his thigh and how you weren’t being exactly quiet. Vessel gently guides your head down so he can whisper to you.
“I’d take you far away from here…anywhere you wanted…just to hear it…I want to hear what I can make you say…how loud I could make you…”
“V-v-es we-...“
“Shh shh shh. It’s ok. Do you want to stop?” His voice is warm and sincere, like he’s meant to take care of you.
“No.”
“Then let me do this…for you. Some comfort…” he turns slowly to lay you on your back, “would you like that…” his fingers gently trace your breasts and tummy over your shirt… “could make you feel good…safe”…your shorts and panties are thrown off the bed…”when was the last time someone did that for you, darling? Made you cum…just to cum?”…your shirt is lifted, tits exposed to the chilly room and his starving eyes.
“Never.”
“For fuck’s sake,” he murmurs as he kisses your thighs and settles on his tummy, “no pressure for me then.” But you’re moaning softly already. You’re a live wire as the hands you’ve desperately tried to avoid fantasizing about explore your inner thighs and folds. His finger glides up and down the length of your needy pussy as he looks up at you…pure bliss etched all over his face in the dim lighting. “Atta girl, love. We’re just here to feel good. Hm?” You hear and then feel a wad of his spit hit your clit, followed by his fingers pressing against either side of it. Vessel wraps his left arm around your tummy as your body chases his touch. “Found something you like, did I?”
“Vessel,” you whisper breathlessly but it’s cut off by a strangled moan. His tongue gently darts out for little kitten licks on your clit. You don’t know if your reactions or what he’s doing is making him whimper like that, but you don’t care. Your hand caresses his hair lazily until you have to grab it and keep him in place. He’s taken your clit in his mouth…something you’ve never experienced. Forgetting every wall you placed around yourself with this man, you let your hips grind shamelessly against his perfect mouth. Vessel’s moans and hot breath nearly push you over the edge multiple times.
“I…” he exhales, trying to catch his breath and contain himself, “am really going to enjoy this.” His middle and ring finger work into your wet cunt and find your g-spot quickly. “That’s it…that’s it…you feel that? Feel my fingers rubbing you from the inside, yeah?” You can’t respond directly…you’re too busy squirming and whimpering fuck fuck fuck. It feels like you’re on fire as Vessel licks and sucks at your clit, your eyes rolling as your brain tries to compute that the same spot is being stimulated from different angles. It’s too much.
“I’m yours…I’m yours….please I’m yours.”
“Mine, yeah? Good. You sound s’perfect…haven’t even had my cock.” It’s a miracle that you aren’t screaming out loud now as he sucks at your clit. Both hands tangle in his hair when he starts thrusting his hips against your bed. He moans pathetically into your clit, his hips landing soft blows into the mattress. “I…I’m sorry.” He stops and quickly pulls off his clothes…you swear you’re cumming a little just from the sight of his cock alone. “See what you do to me?” He breathes heavily, standing at your bedside with his cock throbbing without contact. “Seeing you…let yourself go… enjoying yourself… so fucking hard for you. Could cum just licking you out, babe.” You’re tempted to tell him to try it…but you feel empty.
“Make me yours…”
“How would you have me?”
You’re speechless for a second…he’s really into this. Into you feeling good. “Get on your back, angel.” Vessel does as he’s told and blushes at the pet name. He teasingly rubs his cock against your slit…tells you how tight you felt around his fingers…how good you are for him. You moan quietly…weakly…dreamily as you slide down each inch of Vessel’s cock. The stretch is beyond perfect…not uncomfortable…but still more than any stupid toy in your bedside drawer could do. You grind against him and bounce on his cock seemingly without much thought other than feeling good. And he doesn’t stop you, nor does he grab you and fuck up into your pussy. No…he just lays back like a good boy and takes it. Luxuriates in the feeling of the warm stickiness of your pussy…how it hugs his cock and threatens to drain him. You wince a little as your hips tense; still you weren’t fully relaxed despite your blissful state.
“I’ve got you.” Vessel pulls you close to his chest, pressing your hips down. “Just lay down on me. Let me feel you.” He moans softly as you lay out, your legs scissoring with his just enough to keep his cock buried deep. Your lips crash together. You taste yourself on him…his mouth…and your mind goes even fuzzier. “Sweet girl…you like being lovey, don’t you? Hm?” His hips snap up and press into your cunt. “Little lover girl??”
“I’m…fuck I’m yours Ves…I’m your girl…”
“Let’s make it real then…” his hips thrust back and forth again before pressing deep into you, holding his cock hard against the limit of your pussy…”I’ll fill you to the fucking brim with my cum…leave my handprints on your ass…and-“
“And I’ll leave…little love bites on your chest,” you add, trying to weigh in and stave off your climax. Vessel groans out in response and holds you in place like a toy as you suck and lick at his soft skin. So much for handprints on your ass, though; he can’t help but cradle your back and head. Neither of you have ever felt this before. The soft, warm middle of equal parts wholesome chemistry and earth shattering lust. What was that in the delicate in-between? You bury your face in his neck and forget the world…forget your name…it’s just him.
“So tight…” He gently lifts your head. “There she is…mmm. Need to see you…need you to see what you do to me.” Vessel tangles his hand in your hair to help fix your gaze on him. His throat bobs with each broken moan…god he wants to cry out for you so badly. For the way your body melts into his as he rolls his hips up and into you. For the way your slick runs out all over him, making a mess of you both. It’s all too much. You press your forehead to his and bear your hips down. Vessel grabs you and presses his hot, greedy lips to yours not just for a kiss, but to muffle the pornographic noises your pussy rips out of him. The feeling of his tongue on your lips pushes you over the edge. Your fluttering orgasm squeezes and milks Vessel’s cock for all it’s worth, causing him to fuck up into you like a rabid animal. He completely and unapologetically ruins you.
You wake up the next morning curled up against his back. He’s already awake and smiles brightly when he feels you pull him close.
“Guess what.” He whispers. You barely mumble “hm” back to him, still sleepy and fuzzy from your late night tryst. Vessel chuckles and rolls over, your stuffed whale shark from the aquarium clutched to his chest.
“Hey! That’s mine,” you grumble.
“Oh and suddenly you don’t share anymore…hm? Not my lover girl when the sun’s up,” he teases. “Anyways…it’s just us this weekend. We have some wasted time to make up for…don’t you think?”
#sleep token fanfiction#sleep token smut#vessel fanfiction#vessel x you#vessel x reader#vessel smut#vessel x reader smut#sleep token#vessel sleep token#vessel fanfic#sleep token fanfic
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ART THE CLOWN X FEM READER!!
“Baby your not good for me, your not good for me, but baby I want you I want you!”
“Scary? My god you’re divine!!”
WARNING: reader gets kidnapping, attempted suicidal, weapons, please tell me if I missed anything!
Lmao I wrote this laying in bed, listening to diet Mountain Dew and watching 100 days in Minecraft
I put like 2 will wood references in this and there both really close together and if you find them both put it in the comments and what song they are them and you can choose what the theme for the next fanfic! (I literally ran out of ideas so this)
Wow… this is a lot…
You had just put the little pale girl down to sleep and now you and Art were cuddling up on the couch. Well how did you get here? Welllll it’s a long story!
A couple years back you were really close to ending it. You didn’t have family or friends, your band was breaking up and that was your only job you had for income! There you were standing on the edge of a bridge your old looking dress with a flower print on it blowing in the wind, your white cardigan long forgotten on the ground and your black shoes with black bows? They were also forgotten on the ground. As you about to jump you felt something grabbed the back of your legs and forced you backwards! Fell into someone’s arms… a clown? Maybe it was a fan? Your band did have a clown theme to it. But next thing you know the clown with a creepy smile forced a white cloth over your mouth and he most definitely put something on it as you passed out. You woke up in some sort of strange dark place. You where inside of a small cage (like a dog cage) and as you looked around you saw a little creepy pale girl trying to get a tv to work and as you looked up you saw the same clown guy sitting at a desk making a wimp with a knife tied to the end!
••••••••••••••••✰☼✟♡✟☼✰••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••☆☆☆••••••••••••••••••••
Ok so he did try and kill you but every time the little pale girl stoped him! She real liked you and in some short of way she was a like a child to you and after a while Art started to get closer to you like letting you out the cage, sharing “food” with you, and even letting you go outside ones and a while. And well about a year later you just assumed you both were dating at least that’s how you took it when the little pale girl was making drawings with crans with you, Art and her as a… family..? I mean Art gave you gifts, kissed you, you helped him kill people ones and a while, just you guys just acted like a crazy couple!
You took Art and the little pale girl into your house after a while (the police were going to fine you guys so y’all needed to move lmao)
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
So in the president, you had just put the little pale girl to bed and Art and you were cuddled up on the couch watching a scary movie. You were laying down and Art was laying on you with his face buried in your chest and his arms wrapped around your waist. These days he was the biggest simp for you. You both looked so cute together to be fair! Your past left behind and the future with Art is ahead! As you both are cuddling the movie has a jump scare and you finch and Art? He jumps silently laughs and mocks your face! WHAT A DICK! You powdered and he just didn’t care what an ass! As the end of the movie happens the title pops up “love me normally! Why apologize for being blue and cold?” And when the actors and stuff. Art stands up and picks you up bride style and carries you to bed. He plops you on the bed and when he walks over to the other side of the bed and he lays down and pulls you close. You both cuddle close and he kisses your forehead before you both drift off to sleep.
ANYWAYS HOPE YOU LIKED IT!!!
#SoundCloud#art the clown x you#art the clown#Terrifier#terrifer 3#terrifer 2#art the clown x y/n#art the clown x reader
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zonked out on the dog bed snoring up a storm. you come over and rub the soft spot on the top of my nose. i let out the most contented sigh
#blllllaggggh busiest doggy everyday of my life and i am exhausted#ye beware of sadposting ahead. more like just need to get thoughts out of my headposting yk. im ok just tired#friend said to me today 'youre always doing something these days jasper when do you rest?'#and i was like huh good question! i dont hahaha. damn#which is not a bad thing always. but my plate is incredibly full and i have no one to help me#im in a really good place. things are happening that ive wanted to happen for years. but i have no time to take care of me#and the ppl who are supposed to take care of me dont. and they let me down everytime i try to ask for it. which im used to#but it doesnt make it any easier. theres just not enough hours in the day and not enough energy in my little doggy body#i used to be able to push myself past the wall of exhaustion. but after my therapy program ik i just can not do that anymore#im really proud of myself. being an adult is hard. im doing everything right. but i just wish i had someone by my side to help me#anyways.#i am a very good boy#yapping#if youre reading this hi im just venting im fine. its just been a long day and i want someone to give me a head massage#jasperbarks
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TBF it's not really my place to advise anyone who to marry or not marry. I'm also not a good person for heterosexual women to ask for marriage advice regardless because it would almost inevitably be 'don't do it'.
And if a woman is genuinely OK with doing all that emotional labour for her husband and getting little to nothing in return, then so be it. Nearly any relationship dynamic is fine so long as all parties are honest about it and agree to it. But that's rarely how it plays out in the real world.
Hell, it's not like every guy who marries again shortly after divorce is like this either. But it can't be ignored how much more common it is than the reverse, and the reality that often it's to replace the care and labour he was getting before and not borne out of genuine love for his new wife.
70% of divorces are initiated by women, and that shows that men would rather cheat on their wives than divorce them and be with someone else, they want all the benefits a heterosexual marriage can offer (free cooking, free sex, free house chores, free emotional support) without having the decency of respecting its 'morals'.
Many men don't even want a family, they just like the aesthetic of having a wife and children, they're accessories, to be brought out to shine like jewels do on special occasions, don't marry sisters, it's a doomed affair, and your best case scenario is a divorce, the other option is much more devastating, because most women who are murdered, meet such fate at the hands of their husbands or a close male they knew.
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my sweet little baby man is no longer with us
#he had his bloodwork done yesterday and the vet said it was fine but he doesnt have much time left#and my bestie is a vet tech who wanted to see the lab results bc she always does and she looked at them#and asked me if she can shiw them to her boss today and i was like sure and immediately knew something was up#today keekki was being himself#then i went to run some errands and when i came back he was laying in front of the front door with his tiny baby head against it#and i was like ''oh ok one of his seizures?''#and theyre like. keekki will drool and not move and they usually last for like 20 minutes (several vets have no idea whats up with those#but it was probably either a kidney or a blood pressure thing)#anyways. it did not pass in 20 minutes so i Knew#i laid on the floor next to him#then my bff sent me a message asking me if i have the time to talk about keekki and its not good news#at this point i was about to call the vet anyways#and she was like ''ok i showed these to my boss (a vet) and she got super angry that ur vet even let you leave the clinic''#bc apparently keekkis bloodwork was so bad he should have been put down then and there but my vet was like a fresh half graduate#so i dont hold it against her. anyways i got an euthanasia appointment for this evening and spent the time before it laying on the couch#crying with keekki in my arms#i had to carry him bc he couldnt really walk without stumbling and falling down#when i had to get up to get his carrier and stuff ready he was taking a nap on the couch where i left him and i took this pic#anyways worst vet visit of my life i could hardly even do anything but nod half the time bc speaking results in me sobbing#anyways. this fucking sucks#i dont know how ill be able to sleep tonight#its been years since i last slept at home without having a little guy plop into my arms#i spent a long time with him in the vet room when he was gone#it feels surreal ive given him his last ever forehead kisses#as i left the room i told him bye the exact same way ive been saying bye to him for the last very many years ive had him#its always moikka keekki before i go to work or the store or literally anything#and that was my last moikka keekki#i hope he felt how loved he was#my dad is sending me older pics of me and keekki and he looks so happy in them. hes always right next to me#idk man im going to stop rambling now
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H-how does a MERMAID even get lost at sea, huh?
Say hello to Wakely! 🐟
#doodles#oc art tag#one piece art tag#one piece nami#one piece zoro#one piece sanji#they make appearances they get to be tagged#tbh this is just an excuse to draw a funny little mermaid#i have no major backstory for her she's just there#she is friendly yknow she will socialize with some pirates they don't seem like they'll hurt her#no they're just weirdos she'll be fine#she'll fit right in (and apologize a lot for not being a proper goldfish)#i think the only thing i really have ambitions to draw is some long joke about a mango#maybe i'll do it#who knows#ok ok I'm already hiding my sad little face in embarrassment ok#i will post my darling mermaid and then pretend i am not worried about being cringe!!!
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THANK YOU! It's always a pleasure to interact with ACTUAL fans!
Before starting with my (expected) long post here is a summary for everyone:
Silverstone... The trauma made me forget how mclaren clownery poisoned also their home race...
Everyday McLaren wakes up and demonstrates that a good car and good drivers are not enough if you are aiming at championships. They are still midfielders in their minds. Like, waiting for the rain in Brasil could have worked only if you aim to reach the point positions, not the podium. If you want the podium you have to be more insightful, like Redbull demonstrated by not making Max pit and making him wait for an obvious VSC.
(let's not talk about Ferrari's fiasco, we all know that strategy is not always their forte. Some times they have god tier strategies, like in Monza. Sometimes... Not)
(also, is the meme "Sbinnala" worldwide or just Italian? Every fan deserves to know it)
As you said "they became title contenders super fast" yes! and, unfortunately, couldn't live up with the new expectations of the fans... (And the new hate that came along with it)
If I have to be optimistic: Maybe they are just taking it easy, thinking of changing things slowly until 2025, praying that the MCL38 stays consistent also next year. Not rushing things now.
If I have to be pessimistic: they could have taken things easily and STILL could have made better calls, better managing for their drivers and PR. Like, sometimes their strategy is just nonexistent or really simplistic. Like "if it goes well then ok, if it doesn't well, nee, we are gonna have a to talk about it later".
They really rely too much on their drivers and too little on actual data (or just logical assumptions... Like, rain = car on wall = red flag = VSC = Free pitstop + reset all grid positions and distances)
I could have accepted it this spring (as they didn't expect to be a rocketship), but I genuinely hoped they did better after the summer break.
Completely agree for the behind the scene discourse. We don't know exactly what they agreed upon and what the drivers actually wanted. And I agree with your point on Lando wanting to beat Oscar fair and square. Both because he respects and wants to protect (in his own way)/ race Oscar, and, mostly, to silence his worst hater: himself.
(projecting, projecting.)
PR wise, McLaren should be addressing this situation clearly and admit some of their wrongdoings... Leaving Lando alone like that, after the race, is not what I expect from a team that has a page like this in its social media community code:
Like, Redbull did it for Max (and Perez) in 2022
https://apnews.com/article/sports-f8cb80408ef87da1d7d6f7cd9b03976c
For the "I really hope they learn from this disastrous year" paragraph, yes, I agree. They really need to learn. I don't know if you saw the transcript of the false start... But saying "likely an aborted start" when IT HAS BEEN COMFIRMED was embarrassing. Well, not "waiting for rain in 7 laps [so don't attack Leclerc]" level of embarrassing, but still a bit unfortunate/unprofessional.
(also Charles is making me laugh out loud)
I think that Courtenay will be a fine addiction to McLaren strategy in 2026. He will bring some of Redbull's insights and organized thinking/procedures. My hope is that we will see landoscar on the grid by that time. (Yes, I'm pessimistic by nature).
For the switch: Stella said to sky Italia that he would have preferred a larger gap (2/3 seconds) from Leclerc for switching mid race, but it then become apparent that it was impossible to create and so they opted for a switch at lap 24 (last lap). So, to me, they talked about a switch during the race after they created a gap from P3 and changed plans only when they understood that neither him or Oscar had sufficient pace for that. Lando just got the news on radio and was his genuine confusion.
For keeping him behind because he was a better defender... MMMH. Don't know.
No, I mean. He is better at defending than Oscar (and not because Oscar is not good, we saw him defending in Baku). But I don't agree with that strategy as it was obvious that Leclerc would have succumbed to Verstappen very soon.
Verstappen, clearly, is always looking for a DNF when it comes to Lando (he knows he wins easy the WDC if they both DNF or just Lando does, like in Austria) while he would never risk a DNF with Oscar. (He sees him as useless, WDC wise). And we saw that Verstappen was more "gentle" (by his standards) with Oscar when he attacked after the VSC...
Speaking about Oscar and Max "overtaking"... Why no one is speaking about Max saying "Leclerc was the only decent enough" when speaking of his climb up from p17?
While it being true, as no one, apart from Charles, really battled him, i still think "why didn't they told Oscar to keep him behind? Or just making him attack his tyres in order to prevent him not pitstopping or climbing up?". So many questions I don't have answer for... We saw Oscar's skills, he could have tired him if just they let him to. (That "just Leclerc was decent [battle]" was MHHHHH like no, it's just that no one told their drivers to attack you... Just leclerc did, for the WCC)
(that said, Max did a masterclass, yes. Especially consistently setting fast laps since lap 33. With the advantage of clean air, yes, but with changing weather conditions and without burning the engine. But we have to be realistic and admit that luck, good strategies from Redbull, bad strategies from Ferrari/McLaren, were involved too.)
(and it's normal)
Even if it was bittersweet we still got this, so, at least, the drivers are on the same page:
Happy to have found a fellow yapper, maybe we should create a tag for our yapping session and use it... Or something like that! I really like to read your opinions as they are healthy and well spoken.
Also, this post is getting really long!
My take on a certain part of the McLaren fandom:
Every tag I open I see parasocial behavior.
Let's just touch grass and stop it. It prevents people from enjoying the sport without cringing (and, moreover, be happy for a team's success).
Why do I have to mute stupid tags (anti...) and block people in order to appreciate F1 in peace? Why do people do not understand that this is an highly mechanical/engineering sport and not only a driving sport? Why do you not understand that drivers are humans too?
But mostly, why does it seem so difficult to root for an entire TEAM?
Like, can't we JUST collectively appreciate everything that happened today? Just for once.
Like:
1. Oscar's sprint pole was a significant milestone for him and his career. (And i would love to see him win the sprint). Although he's still a rookie, he's developing into a really good driver (just needs one or two more years to settle down). Also, he has been maturing a lot since the start of the season and you can see that in the way he speaks about the whole "papaya rules" situation (still hate it, no team orders please... Just tell him to not crash both cars.) now compared to before the summer break. (please Oscar, do not let Mark Webber's delusions get into your brain. Thanks.) Also, nice helmet. Love it.
2. Lando finally looks serene and at ease without succumbing to anxiety for other's expectations. (He also seems to not be willing to give a f*ck about WDC, good for him). I'm also really happy that he's back to eating/drinking before races and can finally enjoy driving again. (Noticed him eating an energy bar before the race in Mexico)
I also noticed that he, just like Oscar, matured A LOT this year, especially after the summer break. (Speaking of the elephant in the room: Despite the team's apparent indifference, I still think that WDC can be achieved if he chooses to. Even if they're not interested in helping him due to different priorities or contract clauses)
And no, he is definitely a First Driver. If you think otherwise you are just living in a delusion, sorry. Telemetry, just like Math, is not an opinion.
Like, look at the last qualy time he did (and aborted) before pitting.
(the green lap records are the last sectors performances set by the driver. Look at them. Just look.)
And yes, if he gets the points he deserves a WDC, if he wants to. He IS a really good driver.
Mentality is a concept as old (and toxic) as Helmut Marko. Please, don't be like him.
3. We are finally seeing what the upgrades were for... Especially after whatever Austin was. (And yes guys, BOTH of the drivers have had the upgrades since Austin. Oscar just got 6 upgrades out of 7 at that time... Not none. Sorry to burst your bubble.)
And no, the upgrades DIDN'T actually upgraded the car's overall performances in Austin, you can clearly see that from the data. They purposely sacrificed it for the next races. See this:
https://f1i.com/news/521800-mclaren-explains-decision-to-delay-updated-floor-in-austin.html
Also they took risks with the floor too in Mexico. And no, they didn't give it to Norris because they hate Piastri. They give it to him mainly because he is more experienced and can provide useful data during practice while Oscar still needs to improve this skill.
4. Also, the team has done a great job in finding a way to change the banned rear wing without compromising performance and exceeding the spending cap. Love it. (also they made a new beam wing configuration specifically for Interlagos and it, apparently, works really well!)
I'm still not convinced that we currently have the best car on the grid (Ferrari looks really solid anywhere) but it's already better than the rocky start we got in US.
Not gonna lie, the moment they sprayed the WHOLE side of the car with the flow-vis in Austin i was like "goddammit, no improvements"... So I'm relieved that it wasn't the case (better sacrifice a race than discard the upgrades package entirely like Ferrari did in Silverstone).
WCC wise, I just hope that today they don't do something silly risking two MCL38 in a multi21. (And that we get some good strategies... Hopefully... Ok, I think I need to start pray some ancient god for that.)
And what If they multi21? Well, it would be really entertaining, but I don't think Lando wants to risk points/DNF for that. It's just not his style. (Mentality again? Go to bed grandpa... And take your medicines)
Let's be healthy fans, guys. Not parasocial delulus. We can rant about McLaren shenanigans TOGETHER.
Like, YES, i'm still convinced that the strategy team/management team is doing a real poor job this year. Both in managing the races and managing the drivers. (Including Bortoleto's contract clauses...)
And last (and least?), I loved the Google chromed livery aesthetically... HATED it aerodynamically. You won't be missed. Sorry Google, I had to say it.
Thank you for reading my rant. Love y'all (even if you don't agree with me)!
#long post#<- for people who wants to filter it#f1#lando norris#oscar piastri#McLaren#just opinions from normal fans#hope that this is a safe territory for everyone#we like the sport#a partially athletic and mostly ENGINEERING sport#if you would like to add pls do#if you are an hater pls block me
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really weird thing ive noticed lately re: hermits getting critiqued for stuff theyve said or done is that as soon as someone holds a shit opinion (even if it's just them being stupid, or a centrist, or saying a bad word without knowing what it means, or whatever) people immediately seem to flock to the 'this guy should die' 'kys' 'why are we giving this person a platform' rhetoric and like. that's not how meaningful change is made?
like, yeah, if one of my beloved CCs posted a tweet or video tomorrow about how much they hate gay people, or believe in conservative ideals, or they just said a bunch of slurs or whatever (these are hyperbolic examples obviously) then yeah, fuck them, they should go rot. but like, having some dumb takes, or saying bad things in the past, doesn't = evil terrible person...
idk, i feel like we can critique content creators without getting so insane about it. like, shit, there are things some of my favourites do that i don't like, but theyre not even really worth bringing up tbh. unless its something actually important, i feel like it just creates more drama out of nothing and all these assholes come crawling out of the woodwork to tell everyone how much they hate that creator. or find their content boring anyway so clearly they have no real merit to anyone.
more of an explanation of what i mean in the tags but yeah.
#this is kind of about ppl finding out x is a centrist and... apparently that means telling him 'kys' is ok#i dont even like centrism but like... wasnt he super right wing at one point? is this not at least a mild improvement? he's just some guy#i like his content. dont care enough to get into drama about him being a 'we should all just talk it out!' kinda guy. who give a shit.#this is also kinda about doc's little rant on twt about plestine/isral (spelling to not clog tags) which was basically just -#- 'stop asking me to speak on these things 1. i could get into legal trouble 2. i stopped talking about politics years ago for good reasons#which like. isnt my favourite response to things? but i also Get It yknow?#it wasnt as big of a deal as ppl seemed to think it was#(especially since he very clearly retweeted donation post and said hes against innocent ppl dying. which is pretty clear to me.)#anyway the milder things im talking about here is like. harry potter references or mild orientalism re: 'asian-style' builds#like. i could go mad about that but i really dont give a shit#i dont#and like im a hard leftist. but i just do not care. so long as they arent a massive right winger or a creep im fine#*i say massive right winger but tbh i kind of mean right winger at all. i just dont give a shit about ccs wanting to remain more centrist#especially online.#anyway#hermitblr#hermitcraft#mcyt#discourse#ben chats shit on the internet#to clarify im not tryna say that its cool to play both sides politically but also i dont think bringing up a 4 year old post -#- to stir up drama is very genuine. looking at the notes i just see a lot of 'wow fuck this guy i hate his content anyway' and its like. ok
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thinking about this post i saw the other week where this person was saying how badly they wanted to be able to buy a nice mug without thinking twice about it. and all the comments were saying how they could just buy a cheaper mug. and they were like jesus fucking christ ITS NOT ABOUT THE MUG. because yeah
#i’m so fucking. Exhausted#having to so carefully budget every single dollar#and feeling like a failure if i want to get like. some fancy cookies or something#or a nice blanket#and i am paying back my debt but also taking on more every year#and i personally don’t even feel that bad about it. like as long as i can afford the monthly payments idc#but then i see like three million tiktok/youtube videos shaming people who have less debt than i do#and im like. well ok.#like i am Trying idk what else to say😭#but i don’t want to try this hard like i’m not strong enough#i don’t have the work ethic or desire to scrape every penny into my savings like.#i just want to be able to buy fun things and see my friends#not even like. anything crazy expensive😭#i want to go out to a bar for karaoke without feeling guilty about the drink prices#it’s just. sooooo fucking frustrating and i’m worried it won’t ever end#sorry for the rant i am just spiraling a little bit😭#i’ll probably delete later#like i am Fine and actually doing really well rn#but i am so sick of not being able to afford to eat#and even when i start getting paid i still have to be so so so careful with my money#which i am. historically not good at doing#UGH#sorry😭#will delete#personal
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I have finally emptied the blue bench of all the library books I need to hand back, even though they were terribly photogenic in there, and instead have filled it with all the old children's books I've been keeping around for like fifteen years or more, even though the chances of me ever having children or even passing them on to nieces/nephews/cousins etc is vanishingly small. These are less photogenic but at least it's one way to start clearing the living room of boxes.
Currently strategising how to fit them all in but also wow this is a list of Problematic Children's Authors TM
#I mean#They're all dead and they were probably considered Problematic long before I read them as a kid and I turned out sort of ok-ish#But honestly not a great look and very much proponents of a particular early to mid twentieth century upper class moral system#On the other hand#I do fully believe that the PTSD-addled disaster teenager in a Sopwith Camel that is James Bigglesworth is appropriate reading for kids#The shelf goes 'Snotty boarding school stories; saccharine animal stories; now let's introduce the children to the concept of WW1#Shellshock and alcoholism time for the little ones; on the other hand the racist elements in quite a few of them are going to need reviewin#Not sure the 1970s approach- which was essentially to revere the same authors but delete the racist and sexist language- actually worked#Because it took out the worst words but it didn't actually do anything about the fundamental attitudes of the books#Maybe we should have asked WHY we revere a certain type of children's literature from a certain (colonial; stiff upper-lip; heroic) era#Rather than simply deleting a word here and there and repackaging them as essentially ok for the next generation#Eh#As I say I turned out fine and I think if handled properly it can teach children how to read critically#But if in some miraculous turn of events there ever Real Children in this house that shelf is going to need diversifying#I just can't seem to bring myself to throw them out yet; I know I'm not likely to ever have children so not sure why I keep them really#But I used to think I'd have them for my own kids and that's a hard idea to let go of#And not something I'm willing to unpack right now#On the other hand 'The Adventures of Robin Hood' has to stay even though the spine is falling off#It has been a favourite of two generations because we all love Robin Hood and also Marion is allowed to be kick-ass for thirty seconds#And that tiny scene got me through half my childhood#Earth and stone
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not even panicking . idek what ur saying why would ever be worried abt this
#head in hands#trial practice for tap class is in about 20 minutes and im just about remaining sane#GAHHHH this is so stressful#they do not really speak english and i do not really speak japanese so this will be exciting#plus the class is like..... 2hrs long lol#BUT WE FUCKING MOVE OK IM BEING SO BRAVE#IM GOING TO GO TO THE CLASS AND SEE WHAT ITS LIKE#ITS GOING TO BE FINE IM SURE THEY WILL ALL BE NICE AND LOVELY#tap people generally are i find#i will go to the class and do some tap and not die of a stress induced heart attack because ITS SOMETHING I LOVE#AND ILL DO IT#and if it sucks and i hate it then fuck it. i never have to see these goddamn people ever again if i don't want to#hopefully i WILL want to. bc its gonna be great and im gonna love it#I HAVE FAITH#I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE 😭😭🥳#i will update u guys when i get back 🫡#if its fab i will recommend it#and if it sucks we will roast it mercilessly#either way i am being very brave today and i am sharing this bravery with u as well 🫶🫡#the little gay people in my phone believe in me and i will not disappoint#just the same way that i believe in you too ✊🥳
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guys hear me out would painis cupcake pay taxes? Because he’s not like mega insane like ass pancakes I think he’d pay his taxes in my professional opinion.
#I also had a conversation with my friend about if he had to wear a suit why would he#We discussed for a very long while(6 minutes) and the discussion was very enlightening#Slowly turning painis into a functional human in society…#Except you know he eats people that isn’t really stuff normal people do#this is a joke btw#I think he would pay his taxes but if the tax people are rude to him he wouldn’t#I think it really depends#Does he even have any taxes to pay? Because he doesn’t have a job I assume so he doesn’t have any money#But theoretically if he’s like working for another freak and he’s getting paid or something#Idk guys I might be going a little bit bonkers… he’s helping me get out of art block at least#Oh I hope all these tags don’t accidentally show up in another tag that would be bad I’ve seen that happen#I’ve already typed so much though#It’d be funny if there was painis angst because I wouldn’t be able to take it seriously because his name is penis basically#Why am I only saying painis I’m going to tag him anyway#Painis cupcake#there#alright anyways painis cupcake angst would be fucking hilarious imo#My professional opinion#Mmhmmm I’m a professional in being stupid#My friends will call me spedpool on hallowen#I took 2 yardsticks in stem and I pretended to be said guy in the red suit I don’t want to tag him because I don’t want someone to#Find this unhinged rant about painis cupcake that got way off track woah#Ok continuing on the painis rant#I can’t draw him with pencil for some reason he looks so weird#I can draw soldeir just fine with pencil probably even better than online but whenever I try to draw painis he looks like a pile of dog shi#A moist pile the kind that would make steam if it’s cold outside#I feel like it he tried painis cupcake would really be a great functional citizen#Oh wow I wrote a lot my bad
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You know back when the AU was a comic, I was able to gloss over so much of the politics of Mewni Creek I was not well equipped to handle and focus instead on the relationships and bonds that were important to the story going forward and explain the new governmental system of this combined world after it had been established and the masses calmed long down.
But now? Now that it’s a fic? Now that I have to essentially re-start the Ovelia establishment and better flesh out her blossoming friendships and connections to the main cast?
I’ve really gotta buckle down and write the politics and post-Cleaved chaos don’t I.
Man…
#septarsis dragonfly au#I love what the world of Mewni Creek EVENTUALLY becomes#but before now I had never ironed out HOW it got there#but now?#I gotta strap in and write this.#Toffee my beloved you’re gonna have to wait a little bit longer still :(#don’t worry I’ll get to you :(#making Mewni Creek a democracy in progress actively dismantling monarchical systems in place for hundreds of years#equally distributing land. rebuilding. prioritizing monsters in the new system and treating them as equals for the first time#granting equity to the oppressed and calming the masses#especially the MEWMANS#guys the humans are fine Echo Creek is used to weirdness they’re chill#they’re freaked out for a bit but they settle they’re used to weirdness bc of the Dragonflies (thank Great Grandma Deja for that)#the Mewmans are the actual issue#but all that needs to be long set in stone/actively being worked on for Toffee’s character arc to work as intended#he has to be put in a new world of peace and positive progress#the world Mylanie always wanted to see#for that arc to work#I promise Ovelia establishment also sets the ground for Toffee’s healing arc#Im very serious when I say that Toffee as I have studied for seven years would struggle to embrace real positive growth#while the main issues in Mewni are still ongoing#he’d be focused on that like he has for hundreds of years instead of himself#and he NEEDS and that arc#also uh is it too soon to say that even though I’m gonna be putting so much effort into this new government…#… it really does not last as long as they wanted#due to#a certain individual down the line#who wants to abuse monarchical power for their own sick twisted goals#GOD I’m so excited for the antagonist of the AU to develop#ok I reached my tag limit :’)
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Won Top 4 at locals for the Age of Overlord Sneak Peek (this made me so happy I have to share it everywhere.)
Also, another person really liked the anime (specifically 5Ds) so now we're writing with one another and I don't think I've done anything harder than trying to act normal and allistic about Yugioh. Someone at Locals also said they liked how 'excited' I was about it, and I know it probably wasn't even meant in a mean way but I still felt a bit bad cause I don't even know how to be normal!!!!!
#i should make a locals tag#for when I go to locals and failflop (BUT JTS SO OK I LOVE YUGIOH)#Also i won like. all my matches EXCEPT THE LAST ONE. but its so fine and cool cause it was the person that liked the animes too#so it was really fun. also i was gonna win the second game and they said 'heart of the cards is gonna topdeck crazy'#and then they DID. (the horus spell forgot its name (fakefan))#so i went 4-1 and im glad because it truly was my personal best so far :)#also not to rant in. tags BUT. we were talking about the anjme right? and then another person says they only like early yugioh#we talk and I say yugi is my favourite character from it (like. little yugi not yy)#and then they go 'cause hes a noob that cant do anything'#my smile dropped so hard. :(#someone should study the way yugioh players watch the anime because its not even the first time people think YUGI is bad at the game#like. ????????????????? ok#sorry small rant i love talking about yugioh and the anime and everything ruaaa#might delete later#random ramble#long tags#yugioh#sorry jm kinda embarrassing
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hmm i like actually wanna kms
#big oof 🥴#if i try to talk im dramatic and emotional and only met with judgement ....#if i try to push it all down and pretend everythings fine i feel like im slowly dying#if i try to ask for help ppl only slap my hand away and dismiss me#if i complain im a negative pos who everyone hates#if i stfu and dont talk i feel miserable and like i have this big lump in my throat and i cant breathe#im never right or ok or valid or anything. im always wrong.....#im sad and lonely bc all i want is for someone to really truly love me and hold me#but truth is nobody cares that much if i would actually kms#but then im pathetic and whiny for crying in pain since i feel so alone and worthless#like honestlyyyy u can never win in life and esp if you're mentally ill and disordered and traumatized#and also just extremely sensitive even if u could choose u would choose to feel nothing#but ppl always complain no matter what i do :// im always doing smth wrong smth bad#like i didnt ask for everything that happened to me to happend and i didnt ask for it to shape me#and i dont want this or be like this bc my life is nothing but a miserable worthless waste of space#but im trying but im all alone in a dark hole like 12ft underground#and people who might see me wont do anything to help or just walk on their merry way#they will take a shovel and shovel even more dirt on top of me and make it even harder for me to crawl out of this hole#and like idek what im talking abt but this world is insane and people are fucking insane#and all everyone has is judgement and cruelness and calousness and like#ppl are just mean and they get personally attacked and angry if you dont live according to their standards and views and idk#ppl are insane and i feel so alone and im lying here knowing that my life is absolutely nothing#and im tired and i just wanna not exist. but really all i want is for someone to look me in the eyes and tell me i matter bc ive never#wanted to be saved. i've only ever wanted to be seen and known and like idfk.... i just dont#feel good but as always... i have to lie here alone and try not to kms bc i dont have anyone to ask to just talk to me for a little moment#like i cant even imagine... asking someone like hey i wanna kms pls talk to me for a moment#and have them reply immediately and idk i wouldnt even need long just like 10 minutes.#sigh idek what im rambling on abt im just so sick and tired and exhausted and i dont wanna die not really#but im so exhausted bc i have to carry this pain every day and people are so fucking awful but i dont wanna be alone and i just dont know
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