#oh that guy? he’s dead—like closed casket dead

[lokis-army-77]

A New Purchase

Eddie Munson x fem reader

Word Count: 1.6k

When you come home only to discover your boyfriend has bought something completely ridiculous.

Warning: 18+. p in v, riding.

Here's the little thing we talked about the other day @munson-blurbs @lofaewrites @chrissymjstan @hellfire--cult (it isn't as good as I think it could be but oh well)

Masterlist

Eddie was almost giddy with excitement when he saw the Facebook marketplace posting. The aluminum body was a bit rusted and the inside fabric was also questionably stained but hey it was a decoration for three hundred dollars and local pickup, hell yes, he was buying it. 

The only thing Eddie didn’t realize was that it wasn’t a small decoration. No…  it was real and he had no clue where he was going to store it until Halloween. Then came the brilliant idea of testing it out. He only wanted to know what it would be like to lie there, how comfortable would it be?

That’s how you came to find Eddie lying in a casket in the middle of your living room.

Walking through the door you stop suddenly, as the small walkway between the wall and the back of the couch is blocked. Eddie is lying there, eyes closed and hands crossed over his chest. 

“Eddie, what the fuck are you doing?” 

He can’t help the grin that paints his once stoic features. He squints open his eyes as he begins to laugh. “I’m testing out my new purchase. Do you like it?”

You sigh and whip your hand over your face, shaking your head. “What on Earth possessed you to buy a casket? Wait, hang on, where did you buy a casket?”

He sits up, resting an arm on the side, and goes into his explanation. “You are never gonna believe it, fucking Facebook Marketplace. It was so cheap and to be honest I thought it was a fake one that would have been maybe a foot or two tall but nope. Imagine my surprise when I get to this guy's house and he rolls this baby out. He slaps the side panel for emphasis. He even threw in the church trucks for free so it would be really easy to move around.”

You just chuckle and shake your head. “Okay, then why did you buy it?”

“I figured we could use it to decorate for Halloween and also because when I saw it was actually real I just had to test it out. Take it for a test drive before I actually do kick the bucket.” He said it so seriously like it was the most obvious reason in the world.

“Eddie, really?”

“Oh, come on babe, like you’ve never thought about laying down in one of these bad boys.” 

“Contrary to what you might believe, no, no I haven't.” 

Eddie reaches out then, making a child-like gesture of opening and closing his hand. You walk forward and curl your fingers around his. “Switch places with me, see how it feels.”

“No, I’m not getting in there.” You laugh.

“Why not? Do you really want the first time you experience this to be when you’re dead? You won’t even know if it's uncomfortable or not.” He pulls you forward even more. 

“Eddie no-”

“Come on… If you won’t switch then get in with me.” 

You give in, sighing playfully as you bend down and crawl into the cramped casket. Eddie tries his best to shift over so you have space, but the area inside is only so big and definitely was never intended for two.

You both are laughing when your knee suddenly loses its steadiness, atop the thin, almost non-existent padding layered over the metal bottom, and slides out from under you and you fall on top of Eddie’s chest with an “oomph”.  You look up and you catch a glint in his eye as they darken just a bit. 

It’s a familiar look, one that he has given you so many times no matter the situation or surroundings. A look that he knows you will give into. 

“Don’t look at me like that.” You plead with him, knowing where this will end. 

Eddie looks at you, eyebrows raised in faux confusion. “I’m not looking at you in any particular way, Sweetheart.”

You slap his chest playfully. “Eddie you are giving me your ‘I want sex’ eyes and I am not going to, not here.”

“Baby,” He wines. “Come on. It’ll be sexy. We could even role-play as vampires.” 

“No-”

“Please.” Eddie reaches his hand to cup your cheek, pleading softly as he brings his face closer to yours. You are trying to fight it but you know you can’t and Eddie knows too. As soon as he looked at you with those sultry brown eyes, you were plyant in his grasp.

When his lips press into yours, you sigh, relaxing into him. Your fingers curl into his shirt and you inch up, caging his hips between your thighs. It hasn’t even been thirty seconds from when the kiss started and you can already feel him hardening under you. 

Pulling away, you mumble into him, lips barely touching. “Does it really turn you on thinking of fucking here?” 

Eddie nods and surges forward to reconnect your mouths. His tongue flits past your lips and finds its way inside, caressing your own. 

You're barely-there resolve crumbles as you begin to roll your hips into him. You can feel his hard length as you grind, his breath catches in his throat. 

"Fuck baby," he mumbles against your lips.  "Need to feel you around me."

There is a heat coursing through you, clouding your mind as your fingers begin to unbutton his pants. 

Eddie is eager, his hips press up into your hands, pushing you to free him faster. The blue cotton of his boxers has turned a deeper color in a small spot where the head of his cock rests, the precum there being soaked up by the cloth. 

You slide a nail up his covered shaft and a great shiver overtakes his body under you. "Don't tease me- please."

A chuckle bubbles out of you. "But that's the fun part." 

Eddie just whimpers in response. 

You begin pushing your fingers past the elastic waistband. You pull the fabric down and bring your other hand up to help situate both his pants and boxers down to his mid-thigh.

His cock springs forward and you can't help the feeling of absolute lust coursing through your veins. You need him inside you, now. 

You silently thank your past self for deciding to wear a dress today. In your need, you don't think you would be able to wrangle yourself out of a pair of pants. 

Firmly you take Eddie's cock into your hand. He hisses at the new pressure you ar editing him. 

"Fuck baby, just like that." His hips jump into your touch. 

"Gonna let me fuck myself on you? Gonna let me take what I want?"

Eddie only nods. Words have left him as he stares into your sultry gaze. 

You begin to stroke him, up and down, spreading the stickiness leaking from his tip with your thumb. 

Then, you begin to scoot up his body. Hovering over him. Eddie watches in awe as you take him up in one hand and move your panties over with the other. A slow moan releases itself from your as you begin to sink down on him.

Eddie's cock was perfect. It always felt so good to be wearied around him, his head pushing deeper into you. 

Both of your breathing is labored. You try to keep yourself calm, you don't want to rush into riding him, you want to take your time making each of you feel wonderful. Eddie. On the other hand, is trying not to combust as he lays there and watches.

The way your dress is hiked up around your beautifully, thick thighs, how his cock disappears into you, surrounded by a curly thatch of hair. 

God he loved you. It was the only way to explain why his heart was beating out his chest. 

You groan as you feel him entering you. There is a slight burn as you stretch around him. Slowly, you begin to move your hips. Eddie starts to make choked noises and his hands reach out to grab you. His fingers grip your hips, helping you grind into him. Your own hands grasp at his covered stomach. 

There was an ache building as you moved. Low in the depth of your stomach and it began to grow. The more you fucked yourself onto Eddie the more the ache was felt. IT had you clenching down around him. You cunt milking his cock of everything he could give you.  

Eddie’s hands caress your body. When his fingertips touch skin, it's like an electric shock goes through you. 

“Eddie-” You moan.

“I know, love.” He mummers. 

“Can feel you so deep.” You grind harder, shivering as your clit rubs against his pubic bone. “Need more.”

“Yeah? Take it, baby, take anything you want.” 

You catch Eddie’s hands and guide them up under your dress and to your breasts. 

He hums in approval as he pushes your bra down and begins to play with your nipples, pinching and pulling them slightly.

Your head lolls to the side, hair falling down around you. It’s taking so much energy for you to keep moving. Your legs are beginning to tire out, there is a sting in your muscles. Your knees are screaming at you as they dig into the not-so-comfortable foam at the bottom of the casket. 

Body becoming rigid, you cry out, moaning Eddie’s name loudly into the living room. Your fingers cling to him as your body caves into him. You can no longer keep moving so Eddie begins bucking his hips into yours, helping you to ride out this high and bring him to his own. 

Eddie lets you fall almost completely on top of him once he’s finished. His arms wrap around you, your breaths in sync with the other. 

As you rest your forehead on Eddie’s chest, you feel the tiny movement of him jerking. He’s trying not to laugh. 

You crane your neck to look up at him. “What?” 

He shakes his head. 

“Eddie.” 

“Nothing, just that we fucked in a casket.” His smile was as wide as could be,

You let your head fall and you laugh into his chest. “Don’t get used to it.”

[multi-fandom-imagine]

Lαst Kıss ➤ Stan Pines

A/n: been dying to use this song, so here is a quick little fic i wrote on my way to work

Oh, where oh where can my baby be?

The Lord took her away from me

She's gone to heaven, so I got to be good

So I can see my baby when I leave this world

It was prom night, and Stan knew he had to get you home but of but just because he had to drop you off didn't mean he couldn't spend a bit more time with you first, which meant that he needed to drop Ford off at home.

Despite his brother initial protest, he eventually slipped out of the car warning Stan to 'Bring dad's car back in one piece.'

Rolling his eyes, Stan drove off smiling to himself as you rested your head on his chest. "Did ya have fun tonight dollface?"

Biting back a snort you shook her head closing your eyes. "It was nice until you dumped punch on yourself."

We were out on a date in my daddy's car

We hadn't driven very far

There in the road, straight ahead

A car was stalled, the engine was dead

Letting out a hum, Stan let his fingers glide across your neck. He knew you were smiling, he could tell by the tone in your voice.

With how popular you are, yet you still fell for a guy like him and he couldn't have been happier.

Doing his best to take his time, Stan's eyes flicked to a car stalled in the middle of the road. His hand's gripping the wheel tight, he could tell by just how they were trying to start it that the engine was dead.

I couldn't stop, so I swerved to the right

I'll never forget, the sound that night

The screamin' tires, the bustin' glass

The painful scream, that I heard last

Stan knew it was pointless in trying to stop, he knew it would have been a head on collision if he did, so he did the only thing though he could. Hand's gripping the steering wheel, he jerked the car to the right.

The sound would forever be engrained in his memory, the screeching off the tires, smell of burning rubber, the sound of the glass bursting and your scream.

That painful scream he heard last before everything went black.

When I woke up, the rain was pourin' down

There were people standing all around

Something warm flowin' through my eyes

But somehow I found my baby that night

I lifted her head, she looked at me and said

It hurt....everything hurt when he finally opened his eyes. He could barely register the people standing all around the wrecked car. He blinked feeling something warmth trickle down past his eyes.

A painful feeling in his chest as he finally looked at you. Stan could feel tears spring from his eyes as he did his best to hold you. His hand on your cheek as your eyes fluttered open for a moment as you gave him a smile.

"Hold me darling, just a little while"

Lips trembling, Stan lent in as he rested his head against your own, his lips brushing yours softly as he held you as best as he could.

I held her close, I kissed her our last kiss

I found the love, that I knew I had missed

And now she's gone, even though I hold her tight

I lost my love, my life that night

It didn't matter that he could hear the ambulance in the distance. It didn't matter because he could feel your body grow cold, lip against him.

He didn't know how much he held you, how much he begged for you to wake up.

You were gone and you weren't coming back, your funeral really solidified that. Stan stopped talking to anyone after his death, he couldn't look your parents in the eyes know matter how kind they were being to him.

So he did what made sense to him at the time, the only thing that made sense. He joined the United States Marine Corps and soon he was being shipped off to fight in the Vietnam War.

He did his best, he was a good soldier but all it took was one bullet but as he laid dying a smile graced his lips because he was going to see you again.

It was the second funeral Ford had to attend, he just never thought it would have been for his brother. He did his best to not look at the casket. Barley listened as his father loudly exclaimed that is son died a hero, that he'd proudly display the purple heart.

Ford knew he would have to steal that before his father could pawn it.

He wandered off the moment they handled his mother a folded flag and before he knew it he was back at the swing set. Sitting down, his grip tightened around the chain.

"I miss you Stan."

"Ha...you'll be alright sixer."

Tensing, Ford's head snapped to the voice. He felt like he was going insane because standing in front of him was his very dead brother. "Stan."

"I'm happy...don't think to much about it alright"

Then another voice chimed in, one we hadn't heard in years. And then he saw you, still clad in that prom dress. "Stan! Come on we're gonna be late."

"Sorry, gotta go Sixer...can't be late...take care of ma for me and the others."

Ford watched Stan link arms with you and with a blink of an eye you were gone. He didn't know if he was going insane or if he really saw the spirit's of you and his brother but as he sat down on the swing he couldn't help but smile.

Everything was going to be alright.

[thisdudedoesntexist]

So I had a dream about a helluva boss and danny phantom crossover with a little dc in it so keep scrolling if you just want dpxdc or don't like spectral owl (danny Fenton x Octavia goetia). Also for some context only Loona and Octavia know about danny being phantom and the ghost king. Its also incomplete cause I can't remember the rest, so feel free to add on.

Stolas (the wiki said 30's so he's 35): red

Danny 19: green

Octavia 18: purple

Please excuse any grammar or spelling errors

Stolas had be trying for MONTHS. Two whole-MONTHS to bring his daughter back. Everyone else was trying to distract him with placateions like a funeral and time to grieve. To tare him away from what he knows he saw!!

Stolace: "Oh Octavia, only 18 and just over a year into dating that Daniel Fenton, that normal boy was one of the best things to happen to her even if it earth and hell was a rather long distance relationship. He couldn't even speak at the funeral, he was just sitting there stiff as a corps staring as the closed casket (Satan, there wasn't even a body). If that dammed, and now dead executioner hadn't gotten so careless she would have never disappeared- JUST DISAPPEARED in that flash of green light!"

But no matter! He had been researching and researching for days and nights on end (my, Blitzo's attempts to make him sleep were tempting). He had-despite the protests of some of his family found a tome, one book on summoning himself the Ghost King's castle, more like Pariah dark's current location but thats irrelevant. If legends of his exploits and one of his advisors mastery of chronomancy are to be believed he could bring his daughter back.

He has it all set up and he will be doing soon, he just needs to wait for the sacrifice to arrive (an exorbitant amount of gold coins and a sword thats taken at least 100 lives).

-------------------------------------------------------

Danny has been having a great two months.

Ok so there was a bit of worry when he had to save his girlfriend from that rogue executioner angel by teleporting her to his castle (thank the ancients that Octavia and their friend situationship loona were so acceptingof that, you have no idea what being told by your parents that they were going to "Rip you apart molecule by molecule!" Does to a former fourteen year old. He still has a little panic attack when people ask him if he knows phantom.)

After explaining what happened and telling her about the "Non Ecto-material returnal laws" he's been working on with his advisors (ghost friends) he and Octavia have essentially been having an extended sleep over. Danny's been showing her around all the cool places in his castel like the garden of dangerous extinct plants, the throne room (An abrupt visit from the teen titans cause Trigon was about to appear on earth.), and the recreational center that was built after Danny discovered why pariah went mad.(That crown had been beaming him with the suffering screams of his subjects and he couldn't do anything about it). Speaking of the rec-center, he and his Moon (Octavia) had an appointment with the former tyrant where is she?

Danny: "Octavia! My moon where are you!"(He starts in a casual flight speed down the halls towards the guest room his girlfriendhad been staying in). "Via~" he says in the way he always does when he's being intentionally stupid. "Where are you my darling?" while his voice is sweet he's grinning like the experienced menace to society he is. "Its almost time to go annoy the old man!"

This earns him a blob ghost plushy to the face while Octavia "the smartest person in the world in Danny's opinion" chuckles at his mock-suffering.

Octavia: "Stop it you sound like my dad! Who would want to date such an nerdy guy?" (her, apparently) "And yes we should get going before Janice (Danny's secretary with an obsession with office management) starts eating her clipboard."

As they are walking down the hallways and corridors Octavia speaks "Don't you have that meeting with Constantine later?"

"Right, forgot about that." (The laughing magician had been checking up on him through bi-weekly attempts to "scam him into making choices that wouldn'tjust benefit ghosts.") "Should probably ask him to help set up a meeting between me and your dad so we can finally get you home next week."

"Thank Satan I can sit in my own bed again soon!"

"Huh?!" Danny says in a pretend offense that doesn't reach even his face. "Sick of me already? Have I not been a good host?" He wipes a phantom tear (get it?) from his eye. Earning a laugh from the other.

Honestly, what could go wrong today.

[housethemd]

One Life For Another

(What if Amber had been the one to survive the bus crash instead of House? Snapshots of Wilson’s life after House. Wilson/Amber, eventual House/Wilson. Just read and you’ll understand.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Where’s House?”

Amber asks, shortly after her eyes open. Wilson smooths back her hair, thinking she’s just confused, concussed.

“Shh, you were in a bus crash. You’ve been unconscious for nearly 24 hours. You’re going to be okay though.” He reassures her, kissing her forehead.

“Where’s House?” She repeats.

That’s how they find out House was in that crash too. He’d forgotten his wallet at the bar, so he’d been taken to Princeton General as a John Doe. That’s why Wilson only got the call about Amber.

When Wilson gets there, House only has a few hours left. The damage is too extensive. He’d need multiple organ transplants to save him, and he qualifies for none of them because of his addiction. Conceptually, Wilson knows that House would be unlikely to survive regardless.

Amber checks herself out of PPTH AMA, refusing not to be at her boyfriend's side. House is in and out of consciousness, the high doses of Morphine he’s being given make him drowsy.

It’s 3am when House wakes up for the last time. He’s surprisingly lucid, and Wilson knows what that means. He’s seen it time and time again in his patients. It’s like the universe grants them one last chance to say their goodbyes, to make their peace.

“Always knew I’d go first.” House’s voice is rough and quiet. Wilson has to lean in close to hear him.

“Me too, I didn’t think it would be quite so soon though.” Wilson laughs through his tears.

“On the contrary, I think I’ve lived longer than I was supposed to.” House says.

Wilson knows he’s talking about the infarction. He always knew House felt he should have died then, but Wilson always tried to reassure him that it obviously wasn’t his time, and besides, misanthropic bastards are supposed to live forever, aren’t they?

“Oh Greg.” Wilson is starting to shake as he fights the urge to break down.

“S’okay Jimmy.” He soothes.

“Cut throat bitch.” He addresses Amber now.

“Yeah House?” She’s wiping her own tears away, watching someone die is always hard, especially when it’s someone your loved one loves so much.

“Take care of Jimmy for me, okay?”

She finds she can only nod.

They all know it’s time. No one wants to say it, but they all know.

“I love you, Greg.” Wilson says, squeezing House’s hand and leaning close.

“Love you too, Jimmy. You’ve been the bestest friend a fucked up guy like could have asked for.”

Wilson can’t respond through the sobs. House’s eyes are glassy and unfocused. Wilson leans his face on House’s shoulder. His friend is dying.

“See ya, boy wonder.” The words are drawn out and slow, as House says them with his last breaths.

The monitors alarm as House flatlines. Amber rubs circles on Wilson’s back as he sobs loudly into his dead best friend's shoulder.

———————

Wilson gives the eulogy at House’s funeral. It's an open casket. House’s parents had his body dressed in a dark gray suit with a white shirt and a black tie. Wilson hates that they put House in a tie. House always hated ties. They should have put him in a blue shirt, not a white one. He always looked best in blue, it brought out his eyes. Not that you can see his eyes now.

He talks about how House was a healer, how many lives he’d saved that no one else could. How he cared about people, but only when no one was looking. How much he’ll miss, how much he misses him.

He sobs quietly as they lower the casket into the ground. He doesn’t want to make a scene, but if he’s leaning heavily on Foreman, no one says anything about it. Amber never lets go of his hand.

Blythe comes up to him and thanks him, “For being such a good friend to Greg.” He thanks her, tells her that her son was a very special man. He doesn’t know how to tell her that for everything he did for House, House did just as much for him.

——————

A year goes by.

Amber encourages James to talk about House. She knows how important that relationship was to him, and she never wants him to feel as though she’s forgotten. She doesn’t want him to think she expects him to forget.

They buy a house in the suburbs. It has three bedrooms, a large backyard, and a massive living room. It’s perfect for housing a baby grand piano. Despite the fact neither of them can play it, James keeps it.

He kept all of House’s instruments, they were all incredibly important to House and James couldn’t bear to see them go; there was so little that was truly important to House. But while the guitars get put away in cases and stored, James wants the piano displayed. After the movers had left, James just stared at it for a while. Eventually he said,

“He used to play for me when I’d ask. He was quite talented. It was… nice.” Before he went back to unpacking boxes.

Three months after they move into their home, they go out for a night on the town and James gets down on one knee. She says yes, but also says she won’t change her name. No way will she be the fourth Mrs. Wilson.

That night she wakes at 3:30am to an empty bed and the occasional sound of piano keys. She pulls on the shirt James discarded when they tumbled into bed before she creeps just far enough down the stairs to be able to hear him without being seen.

“I missed you a lot today. I asked Amber to marry me. She said yes, but she’s keeping her name. Thinks ‘Mrs. Wilson’ is cursed or something. I know you’d agree with her.”

There is the sound of piano keys being played randomly.

“It won’t be the same. Getting married without you there. I know it’s silly, I’ve done this three times before, but it’s a big day and I wish I could have my best friend by my side.”

Amber creeps back up the stairs. She’s happy James talks to House. She knows his therapist suggested it, and she’s glad to see he’s listening.

——————

Their wedding is small. They end up not doing wedding parties because James can’t bring himself to have anyone but House as his best man. Amber doesn’t mind. At the reception they light a candle ��for those who couldn’t be with us” but it’s really just for House.

———————

Eighteen months after their wedding Wilson is standing in one of the PPTH delivery rooms.

“It’s a boy!” The doctor doing the delivery announces.

As Amber dozes that night, Wilson cradles the small bundle that is his son. He looks down at him with awe. The birth certificate sits next to him on the side table, signed by both him and Amber. It reads:

Michael Gregory Wilson-Volkais

He’d been worried about asking Amber to name their son after House. But she’d only smiled at him, and said she thought Gregory made a lovely middle name.

———————-

“Dad, who’s that with you in all the pictures?”

Michael is ten, and they are flipping through a photo album Amber just completed. She insisted they include pictures from before they met, because she was in her mid thirties and he was in his early 40’s when they met, meaning they both had a hell of a lot of life before each other.

“That’s your Uncle Greg.” Wilson answers, as they all stare down at a collage of images of himself and Greg.

“But I thought you only had two brothers, Uncle David and Uncle Danny.” Michael says, confused.

“Greg wasn’t my brother. We met at a medical conference when I was 28, and after that he was my best friend.”

“If he’s your best friend, why haven’t I ever met him?” Michael questions.

Wilson lets out a deep sigh, putting his arm around his son.

“Because he died, Buddy. Before you were born.”

“Oh.” Michael hangs his head, clearly feeling bad. The boy was cursed with his father’s empathy.

“It’s okay. It’s nice to talk about him. Did you know you’re named after him? Your middle name ‘Gregory’ is after your Uncle Greg. Gregory was his full first name.” Wilson tells him.

Michael thinks that’s pretty cool, and they move on to other pictures in the album. That night however, Wilson sits down with a glass of scotch and the album. He sips his drink and reminisces about the moment each picture captures, and all ones that weren’t captured on film.

———————-

At sixty-five Wilson lies in a hospital bed. His wife of twenty-three years is on one side of him, and his twenty-one year old son is on the other. Dying of cancer isn’t how he pictured his life ending, but having family around him makes it somewhat bearable, or maybe that’s the morphine.

He hates to leave his son so early, but that’s the danger of having kids later in life he supposes. Michael is only in his last year of his undergraduate degree - premed. He wants to be an oncologist like his old man. Wilson wonders if watching him die of cancer will change his mind.

He’s said his goodbyes, and slowly light and sound fades away. Strangely, or maybe not, his last thought is not of his wife or son, but of Greg House.

See you soon, old friend.

———————

“Wasn’t expecting to see you for another twenty years at least.”

He recognizes that voice. As he slowly opens his eyes he realizes he recognizes his surroundings too. It’s a forest in upstate New York. He and House used to go backpacking here. They’d spend weekends camped out, cooking everything over their campfire and sleeping side by side in sleeping bags in a two person tent.

He finds the source of the voice seated on a tree stump, and there he is.

“House.” Is the only word he manages.

“In the flesh. Well not really, but you know what I mean.” House smiles and laughs.

He looks like he did the night they met, dark hair and unshaven face. Jeans and a band t-shirt under a leather jacket. Wilson looks down at himself and realizes he’s similarly dressed, his own jeans and McGil sweatshirt. He touches his face and realizes he’s also back to the age he was that night.

“I missed you.” He tells House. It’s true. He didn’t realize how much until right now.

“Come on Jimmy, walk with me.”

House takes him down a narrow path that leads them to a small lake. Wilson remembers it from their camping trips. The only difference is now there is a small cottage next to it.

“So, what have you been up to?” House asks. Like they aren’t dead, like this isn’t some strange afterlife they find themselves occupying.

“Not much. Married Amber. Had a son. Named him Michael Gregory, after you.”

They stare at each other for a moment before bursting out into stomach aching laughter. After they finally stop they wrap their arms around each other in a tight hug. They never hugged much when they were alive, but now it feels right.

“What got you?” House asks softly in his ear.

“Cancer.” Wilson tells him.

“Wow. That’s… ironic.” House says as they pull away.

“Yeah. Yeah it is.”

They make their way into the cottage. House will give him a tour of it, and when the sun begins to set in their version of heaven they’ll lay down together in one bed without question.

In life they never seemed to get things right, and then their time together was cut short.

In death they’ll get it right.

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

s7 episode 4 thoughts

hehehehhe. hehe. i have seen The gif from this episode. i am so excited to learn its context!!!

wow... everyone say thank you very much to mulder and scully for preventing y2k ❤️

i have heard much about the concepts behind the proposed y2k collapse, and they have never entirely made perfect sense to me, but i suppose you had to be there. and i was not. 

from reading the episode description, it seems that in this universe, the year 2000 turned people into zombies? hmm. much to ponder there.

the first two episodes of this season were eh, then the third was good but lacked mulder and scully, so i’m curious to see what this one brings, because i have heard a lot of s7 praise. so let’s see what it’s about!!

post-episode thoughts: rejoice!! a banger ep!!! it had zombies!! injured mulder!! scully with cool scars!! skinner worrying about his best agents!! mulder saying creepy stuff!! scully smiling!! and being a math geek!! and the thing that you know i am referring to vaguely!! a good episode, indeed! one that will be important to me, i can tell!

we open on a funeral in florida. i can’t tell if the dialogue is really quiet or if my laptop is malfunctioning. seems to just be quiet- thank goodness.

it doesn’t seem that mr. johnson here has ever met mrs. crouch, but he showed up at mr. crouch's funeral. he says he worked briefly with him. which doesn’t clear up much. and he leaves. so she is alone with the casket. 

oh, some other guy named raymond is here. he says he is at peace. and also it’s christmas, btw. 

why is mr. johnson lurking!!!! in this funeral home!!! he lifts up the lid to the casket and bro inside looks super dead. hey, i don’t like how mr. johnson is quoting the bible while stripping over a dead body. noooo, don’t take the dead guy’s clothes off too.

THE BONES CRACK??? what is he DOING?? STOP CRACKING HIM??? why is he calling someone on the phone………… and then he closes the casket. okay. didn’t like that. dead mr. crouch was really gray. more so than i feel he should be.

so mr. johnson stole the dead guy’s pin and now is watching, 4 days later, at the graveyard. he gets a call… is it the dead guy?? with the phone he gave him?? so he walks out with a shovel!!!!

omfg…. did they coordinate this pre-death… kinda badass, in a way. but also fucked up. because his wife was so sad!!!

intro was very short today!!! damn!! i nearly got whiplash!!

it’s december 30th, and scully is here. if she is in florida, i wonder why she is wearing a jacket. but she’s committed to the look above all else, i suppose. and she lifts the caution tape up herself. for shame! mulder, this is your sacred duty!

pretty scully…….

oh no, raymond the funeral home guy is trying to assure her that he did NOT bury a living man, as the rumors suggest!! also, dead mr. crouch was FBI, it seems? scully is confused LMAO. BAHAHAHAAA, WHAT WAS THAT FACE SHE MADE!! I’M CRYINGGGGG

(scully shouts into the hole) “mulder, have you been spreading rumors?” (mulder pops into frame at the bottom of the hole) “why? you hear any good ones lately?” LMAOOOO 

BAHAHA “not particularly” yeah. allegedly being buried alive does NOT impress her.

AWWW, he wishes her merry christmas, by the way. and she says thank you! and wishes him one as well. bet nothing can top last year, though.

oooo, it looks like someone was trapped in there, trying to get out, and the fingerprints on the casket match those of the dead man! mulder confirms that he is NOT the source of the rumors, but rather, they are coming from the police department. AND the fingerprints are on the headstone!! they're neon. is that an FBI tool used to highlight evidence, or did mr. crouch have nasty neon stuff on his hands when he returned from the dead...?

scully thinks the evidence was faked- she's not sure why, though. but they see what looks like a trail of blood on the grass nearby!!! ewww.

mr. johnson is somewhere else, quoting the bible again. uhhhh. some sort of zombie figure is rising up behind him as he drives into georgia.

hmm. back to the bureau.

agent crouch served for 21 years, retired, and was recently found dead. JESUS, that photo of his dead body was NASTY. y’all did NOT have to show all that... the fuck?!?!?!

skinner is here. and so are some other rando agents. mulder doesn’t think it’s a grave robbery- it was necromancy. the other agents seem uncomfy with this. spooooooky.

he claims the blood they found in the grass was from a goat, and it was used to draw a magic circle- but the rain washed most of it away. “the blood attracts the spirits of the undead, while the circle focuses the necromancer’s power while protecting him from the spirits that he’s conjuring” <- are y’all writing that down? ✍️ 

this rando dude’s faaaaaace.... he cannot believe what he is hearing 

ah, scully, (mostly) so even-keeled: “obviously, there are clear ritualistic elements to this crime. the question is: why were they directed at raymond crouch?” <- the perfect response!

ohhhh, skinner pulls them aside…. are they in trouble?!

“what if it looked something like this?” he shows them a picture of an ouroboros!!! so they are not in trouble, then!!! he must need them for a special task.

“the alchemists favored it”, mulder declares. sigh. i need that man.

but not as bad as i need scully in a turtleneck. fuuuuck.

skinner says it was the logo for the millennium group- who were former FBI agents who offered consulting services to law enforcement. hmm. that feels like it shouldn't be allowed.

but somehow, they got a bad reputation. maybe they were a cult. which of course, mulder has heard the rumors about!

the group dissolved a couple months ago- a likely time for them to go underground if they were based on the end of the millennium, no? skinner reveals he has info on 3 other grave desecrations!!!! all with former FBI agents!!! and all were recent suicides!! 

this is very SENSITIVE due to their ties to the bureau, so don’t be mean to him, mulder! he tasks them with investigating and keeping a low profile. mulder says he knows where to start.

they go to a psychiatric hospital in virgina. always a good place to begin. they’re here to see a criminal profiler that worked in the department before mulder did- allegedly the greatest they’ve ever produced! he checked himself in for a 30 day stay, but mulder says he used to consult for the millennium group. and later fought to bring them down. HMM… why do i feel like he’s gonna be dead when they get there?

mulder saying good morning to the guy muttering in the hallway…. he is a kind guy sometimes 💗

“single-minded. sounds like someone i know”, scully says <- don’t flirt in the mental hospital, y’all

they meet a guy named frank black, who to me looks like the undertaker from earlier, but maybe a lot of white men look the same in a way. he’s watching football. he does not seem to give a fuck. 

mulder knows his sports teams, though. trust that.

frank says he recognizes the pictures of the men they show him and then does not elaborate. i respect that. he doesn’t wanna chat. but scully must try and get more info, as this is her job.

frank does not want to help- he wants to put his life back together. he says no thank you. but they only have 2 days before the new year and more potential killings!!

“it’s first and ten. just let me watch this game in peace” “it’s THIRD and TEN. notre dame” “happy new year” “same to you” <- is he… saying something in football code?? mulder storms off and scully follows. he was MAD. said something about him being "not what i'd hoped", oooo boy, that's nasty work. frank pissed him off!

in maryland, mr. johnson is pulled over on the side of the road, fixing a flat. a cop stops him. but smells something very gross. and he sees flies…. what’s in the truck? oh, the cop knows something is up. and he starts chanting the same prayer. 

bleh. dead guy reveal! ahhh!! he keeps saying his words and the zombie bites the cop!!! and he was standing in a circle!!! to focus his power, i guess. 

mulder ponders this upon arriving at the crime scene. he found the salt circle. salt, not blood! scully points out this noticeable difference. mulder says it was to protect himself against “whatever it was that did that” (pan over to a lot of blood on the ground) hmm. gross!

a cop flags them over. run, agents! in your billowing coats!!! gag!!! they found a body!! with bite marks!!! 

EWWW... they pull something out of his mouth and the way the lips moved was NASTY. it is a paper with a bible verse written on it, and one of the cops knows exactly which one it is. “book of revelation, chapter one, verse 18” “go fighting irish” <- SO FRANK WAS SPEAKING IN FOOTBALL CODE!!! but to what end?!

they go back to visit frank, who is sipping his milk. “what are you afraid of?” 

HA! scully figures it out- she is so good at figuring things out. he’s in a custody battle and doesn’t want to lose rights to his daughter. they claimed he was an unfit father for being obsessed with conspiracy. he says they were right. so he will do anything they ask, but never mention the millennium group again.

i get his point, but also, they do need him to help out because people are dying, not for some frivolous reason, so maybe if he could make ONE exception, that could be cool.

mulder has gotten him to crack with a promise of secrecy. revelations, heaven and hell, a battle. the four deaths were those who believed, unlike the others in the millennium group, that man must take an active role in bringing about the end times. oooo, the four horsemen…. “it must begin with the dawn of the millennium” or not at all. 

scully seems to be pondering this, in her catholic way.

he proposes that the necromancer is NOT from the millennium group- they hired him. he thinks he’s doing god’s work. hmm. didn’t know you could place an ad in the paper and find one that easily. he seems to be just some guy.

but frank begins to profile him. he talks of a man leading a solitary existence, working with death- and we see mr. johnson working with taxidermy! he did what he could to prevent the deputy from coming back to life. and he’ll return the body. 

they plan to go to the morgue- and mulder says they must track down the not-dead bodies first before locating a murderer. BAHAHA, tell him, scully, about these cultists mangling biblical prophecies. “and besides, 2001 is actually the start of the new millennium” <-NERD! nerd. said while blushing.

LMAOOOOO “nobody likes a math geek, scully” but you do. fucker. him saying that with a smile.... he's down bad

they’re going to split up: scully to the morgue, mulder to find the necromancer. 

and he asks for a favor: PLEASE do not let anyone take out the staples from the deputy’s mouth. “please? just humor me?” <- i like that tactic- saying "please" and asking for her to humor him instead of diving into long explanations of zombie lore. they're in a rush, after all!

BLEAUGHHH, SOMEONE IS TAKING THEM OUT ALREADY. ohhh, it's someone who isn't scully doing an autopsy- this feels very strange. BLEUGH, she opens his mouth, and it is filled with SALT.

scully calls. as the person doing the autopsy removes the salt. noooooooo. please listen to my friend scully! who calls AGAIN. she goes to listen to the message, asking her to please not autopsy the murder victim. BUT IT’S TOO LATE. THE ZOMBIE GOT HER!!!!!!

scully rolls up, drawing her gun as she finds the dead bodies, and the phone ringing off the hook, surrounded by blood. the woman who was doing the autopsy is still alive!!! but the necromancer is here!! as is the undead guy!! and shooting at him in the chest doesn’t prevent him from grabbing scully!!!

unhand her at once, you scoundrel!!!

the woman doing the autopsy is brought into the hospital, which is good. but where is scully?? 

skinner is here looking for her!!! he looks at a dead body… but it’s not her!!! she’s alive, but with scratches on her neck.

omfg..... skinner moved her hair to look at them…. something very intimate about that. he asks how she’s feeling. 

the dead body is the sheriff’s deputy! “he was dead, and then somehow he wasn’t”

i am distracted by the neck scars. sorry. she looks cool as fuck.

and of COURSE she shot the three rounds right into his chest. she knows no other way than perfect aim! but it had no effect.

god. she’s so pretty. sighs wistfully.

the necromancer shot the deputy in the head and saved her!!! but why?? he got away. and did not explain his actions.

skinner wants to talk to mulder… but he isn’t picking up his phone!!! 

he’s busy. got his sunglasses on. checking every single landowner in the area. and he has no service. but he seems to have found the guy! yeah, you also look cool as fuck in your shades, mulder, but not as cool as dramatic neck scar scully. 

he’s going through this guy necromancer mr. johnson's trash…. finds a ton of salt!!!! and puts some in his pockets. hope it’s enough to protect him from evil in the case of emergency.

bro crawls up the fence. okay, spider money!!

mr. johnson is coming home, though!!!

mulder gets inside his house, finding lots and lots of taxidermy. but mr. johnson pulls in, and sees mulder’s car!!!

mulder is breaking into a cellar of some sort. BLEUGH!!! a hand reaches up for him!!! many hands!!!! the zombies are trying to eat him!!! and then mr. johnson shuts the door!!!

he fires a ton of shots!!! but we know they are kind of immune to those unless they hit the head!!! 

scully goes to frank, asking if mulder has stopped by. she needs his help!! she is not going to take no for an answer. she asks if he thinks they can bring about the end times…. “but what if it were true? good and evil… which would prevail?” <- FUCK! scully ruminating on the nature of the universe and the role of god... i will eat it up every time. he still doesn’t want to help. 

oh…. he checks himself out…. maybe he will?

BRO!! THEY HAVE ALMOST EATEN MULDER’S ARM!!! he is trapped in that basement!!! 

frank goes to see the necromancer mr. johnson!!! and necromancer says thank god, we’d almost given up on you.

so frank was either wrong or lying in his profile- this guy was a member of the group, not just someone hired. that is how it seems to me, anyway, because why else would mr. johnson know him? or maybe they hired him before frank left? idk. hard to say. anyway, he says there’s someone in the basement- he’s killed one of the members. yeahhhh, that’s my mulder!!!

“but you’re here. now we’ll have four” LEAVE FRANK ALONE????

they step inside. “you were meant to be the fourth; i’d always known that” <- so that must be why he shot the zombie attacking scully- so frank could be the last horseman. but ohhh, franks’s confessing he sent mulder here!!! frank says he can’t walk the straight and narrow now that he knows they’ve succeeded. hey, what does that mean….? is he telling the truth? will he go along with their apocalyptic schemes?

necromancer mr. johnson says they took frank's daughter from him and murdered his wife over this?! is that true? seems like wild information to reveal in the third act.

and he pulls out a gun… saying there will be justice in the next world. frank says he’s ready. the necromancer starts changing. but frank gets him first!!! 

skinner calls scully. he has news: all four victims received calls from the same number frank had while at the hospital! trace that phone, she demands!

frank is tying up the necromancer, who is begging him not to do this- there is no future in this world, he says; only uncertainty and pain.

frank opens the door to find mulder… no response…. is he okay?!? yes! mulder says he’s down here, and the zombies are all around. frank tosses a flare. they’re hiding from him. he shoots one in the head!!! a frank W!! only two more!! and scully is on the way!!! 

following a map as she drives!!! tracing the route with her finger! that is my beloved!!

bleh!!! mulder had to tie his own arm tourniquet with his tie. a resourceful fellow. but frank gets jumped by a zombie!!! hurry, scully!!! 

she picks the lock instead of climbing the fence, which i think is a fun difference between her and mulder.

aha! mulder gets up and shoots one of the other zombies in the head!! or at least close to the head!! but the last one comes!! and he has no bullets!

YEAHHH, SCULLY GETS THEIR ASS!! and it seems like frank is bleeding from the head but otherwise okay???

the ball….. for new years… soon it shall drop. frank is watching in a hospital waiting room. scully comes to see him!! necromancer mr. johnson has been taken for a psych evaluation!!

scully says someone is here to see him. AWWW, it's his daughter :,) scully smiling as they hug…. someone shoot me.

OH… mulder comes out just then and smiles at them, too… stop. STOP. I’LL SCREAM. his arm is all wrapped up. frank heads out with the girl.

the ball… it drops. it’s 2000!!!! big things happening!!! he looks at her…. THEY KISSSSSSS and smile. “the world didn’t end” “no, it didn’t” OH MY GODDDDD

and they walk out, with his functional arm around her shoulder.

fuck. i gotta watch that again. 

he moved first… he was watching her… and then they both smile…

“the world didn’t end” being more about them actually making a move than it is about the potential threat of y2k. oh, fuck me.

AND SHE LOOKS AWAY as he wraps his arm around her. and he pushes the door ahead of her with his one working arm.

FUCK.

yeah. i had seen the gifs. but it is even better in person. RAAAAH.

and i know their dumbasses will NOT talk about it-

because that’s just what friends do, right? friends sometimes kiss each other on new year’s. and smile at cute children being reunited with their parents. absolutely. entirely platonic. it’s been known to happen 

(- that is my impression of what they were both thinking when they finally got to bed that night and couldn’t fall asleep)

ahhhh….. a kiss. that actually happened! in this universe!!!

so funny that they were going to kiss in FTF, but a bee got in the way, so we had to have a whole season of angst before that could happen. and as much as i would love to think that they’re both going to have an "oh shit, wait, i really liked that, did they like it too? i knew i would, i imagined it for a long time, but shit, shit, shit, it was better than i thought…" type moment, i KNOW they won’t talk about it. LMAO.

unless they prove me wrong!! i would love to be proved wrong!! i invite them to prove me wrong!!

aww. kiss aside, this was a pretty good episode. zombies!!! rawr!!! growl!!! scully gets cool neck scratches!! and saves the day with her sharpshooting!! skinner gives them a top secret task and then worries about his agents!! frank had an emotional arc that was compelling even though we just met the guy!! which is hard to do!! mulder got to say creepy things and climb a fence and use salt magic to keep himself safe!!! and he wanted to kiss her so bad and he did!! and the world didn’t end!!! 

oh…. i would love to read the fic on their internal musings as to what happens next. what they say when they see each other next? meeting in the office. still sleepy. still in pain. still riding that high. blushing. waiting to see who will address it. and neither of them brave enough to do so. 

RAAAAH. YEAHHHHHHH!!!! I LOVE BEING ALIVE IT!!! HAS THESE FICTIONAL LOSERS FOR ME TO THINK ABOUT!!!!

mmm. i shall sleep contentedly this evening.

LMAO, WHAT?? i scrolled down to see what the next episodes said and i saw something about getting trapped in a sexy video game?? HELLO??? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT?? 

and also??? did i see donnie? from irresistible??? are they going to revisit him?? that episode is SO important to scully’s character- i really hope they do it justice. i would have preferred if they didn’t bring pusher back; i felt like his original episode was better. and there is a cops episode??? and scully with a former lover??? people like that episode- 17, right?? and they revisit their very first case in the finale?? but i was told that if i want to stop, i should stop BEFORE requiem. which is the finale. and i probably won’t. but maybe i will? idk. i don’t have a ton of time anymore……. 

hmm. there is SO much to ponder here.

i clicked to peek at the episodes in season 8 and saw a few things. woah…….

yeah. idk what i’ll do! but there’s time. the show isn’t going anywhere. hmm. it’s worth it to know what happens… even just so you know how it should be rewritten in an AU. right?

ohohohoho. the world is lowkey my oyster.

[civilotterneer]

The Search for Civ

I followed the Civ-like devil into a valley-like area of cliffs, very similar to the red rocks of a city not far from home, but feeling much more hostile. This strange brick bridge went through the crevice of the cliffs, continuing on passed corners in one impossibly long structure.

"So, Cliffs of Callous Imps?" I asked, "I see the cliffs, but how worried should I be about the imps?"

"Oh very," Livic responded, "As far as I've heard, they're pretty dangerous in packs...which they hang out in within these cliffs."

I strengthened my grasp on my staff as we entered the canyon, eyes darting to the surrounding rock face.

"So, any thing we can do to avoid them?" I asked.

A piercing screech rang out, bouncing off the canyon walls.

"Not anymore," Livic said with a grin, "Let's see those magic skills of yours!"

Imps flew out of cracks and hidden caves, as if the cliffs themselves spawned the red winged creatures. Several came up from below, flying nearby or landing on the stone bridge. Evil grins came below glowing eyes, barbed tails whipping in anticipation with grabby, clawed hands. Strange, humanoid screeches sounded out from them.

"Time for some fun!" yelled Livic.

I saw Livic lift into the air and quicky produce a flame from his hand. For a moment, I was confused, having thought most devils are immune or resistant to the fire, but the screeching, blackened imps that resulted from his attack told me otherwise. He quickly followed it up with extended red claws from his hands, engaging in a melee.

Several descended towards me. I whipped my hand in a quick 'Magic Missile' spell, and started firing bolts of necrotic arcane energy at the imps. It didn't seem like much, but each bolt was easily capable of destroying or sending-flying the creatures that approached me.

A few moments later, and with about 20 of the creatures dead with magical wounds or burned skin, the tide suddenly stopped, with the remaining imps quickly retreating to the cliffs again. Not even one had gotten close to me nor Livic, which felt greatly uneasing.

"Is that...is that it?" I asked Livic.

"For now," he said, landing next to me, "Imps are pretty cowardly little guys, and the fact that I showed them who's the bigger devil clearly is enough to send them fleeing with stingers between their legs."

I looked around at the 13 dead to magical bolts and only 7 dead to fire and claws, but decided not to press his ego and let him have it.

"And..." Livic started, "You're magic's pretty good, bet they didn't like that either."

Thanks goodness, it knows even the slightest bit of humility.

"Will more of them come?" I asked.

"Not likely, but we'll probably need to be careful," Livic said, starting to walk away, "There are way worse devils we'll probably run into, so keep those spells handy!"

I stared at one of the bodies of the imps at my feet. It was slowly metling, as if becoming a black ichor and seeping into the stone itself. The strange effect seemed to happen to the other bodies as well.

"Huh, that's a piss-poor way to go," I said, reaching down and pulling out a vial, "I doubt devils have funerals anyways, but..."

I quickly dipped the vile into the metling flesh, and quickly retrieved a sample of the black ichor.

"It'd have to be closed casket."

"Hey Lye! Come on, we got to get through here and cross the Chasm of Chaos before we rest for a while!"

I stowed the black ichor before turning and following Livic, but my eyes never strayed from watching the curious eyes from the cliffs that shined malice at us.

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<<Bonus Renders>>

[mysticstarlightduck]

OC in 15 or less Tag

Thank you for the Tag, @cowboybrunch (here)! <3

Rules: Share 15 or fewer lines of dialogue from an OC, ideally lines that capture the character/personality/vibe of the OC. Bonus points for just using the dialogue without other details about the scene, but you're free to include those as well!

I'm doing half of this for my OC Cory Blythe, from Mutant Inquiries, and the other half for Augustus Grimmure, from Enchanted Illusions for this tag!

Cory Blythe

"Listen, douchebag, I'm far too sober to deal with whatever this bullshit is right now and I'm already running late for my fucking job - by the way, I'm far more scared of my boss than I am of you. So how about you go mug someone else and I don't stab you with these heels?"

"And you seriously thought involving 'Miss Trust Fund' over here in our mess was a good idea? No! You just signed our early death certificate." [...] "Why? Oh my god, I don't know, Becky... maybe because her infamously overprotective dad is the CEO of a fucking multimillionaire enterprise and you just dragged his only daughter to the middle of a conspiracy?! I don't care if she wants to help! That's Violet Villarosa, for fuck's sake. We're dead now, we're so dead - I'll have a closed casket for sure."

"The more I live, the more I realize I might be the sanest person in this group of idiots. And that scares me."

"Are any of you going to explain why there's a random dude bleeding out in my brand-new car? No? Okay then."

"Becky," [they take a deep breath] "My best friend, my surrogate sister, the caffeinated cutie-pie of my life, I say this in the most polite way possible - I'd rather be waterboarded with lava than hear that plan ever again."

"Teague, let's make one thing very fucking clear - I'm following my side of the contract, so you can do whatever you want to me in the meantime. But my friends - my family - they're off limits, and if I ever find out you sent any one of your thugs after Rebecca or any of them again, it'll be the last goddamn thing you do. I don't care if you're the head of the mob, or if I'll be food for the fishes afterward - you're not the only one here with a pocketknife, fucker."

"I call dibs on the fluffy socks and the cereal!"

"Look, just because I'm not a mutant like you guys doesn't mean I can't seriously fuck somebody up with a shotgun. Now, one of you might want to take the wheel of this car 'cause I'm about to do just that."

Augustus Grimmure

Augustus felt rejuvenated - like he’d just woken up from a nice nap, adjusting his bloodstained dapper suit and glaring at the now soulless corpse. “Oh -" He looked down, noticing the crimson splatters on his coat "That’s just nonsense! Look at this, it's all ruined and covered in blood! It was my new suit! How dare he stab me.”

"My, my, it's a great deal of a fall from up here. I'm not so sure about this anymore, Hattie-" He looked over the speeding train's railing, turning to Harriet with a shaky, nervous chuckle. As he did, he noticed the outline of the two goons clambering into the wagon behind them, guns ready. "Oh, well, as some say - ladies first!" Before she could say anything, Augustus pushed her over the railing - summoning a portal beneath her. Two bullets flew past the spot where she'd just been standing, instead lodging themselves in the young necromancer, who jumped into the portal just before it closed.

"Well, you could attack us, boys, and I'll merely consume all your souls - string by string, painstakingly severing the cord between your life and afterlife until you're all empty husks. You know who I am, and what I can do to mercenaries who threaten people I hold dear." His eyes glowed in the dark, the mark on his wrist causing the mercenaries to stumble back in shock, as shadows swirled around him. "Now, are you sure this is a wise decision to make in the name of your boss, a man who was too lazy to even come get his own hands dirty?"

"I can't tell you more about it, love." He shook his head with a dejected smile, clutching his own arms in a vice grip. "About my deal, about the Deathbringer and what I did. I can't. It's, no - they're just too dangerous, and I made a mistake. I fear it... it won't end well."

"For some reason, I don't think your cousin likes me very much, Harriet." Augustus spoke under his breath after Vincent stormed out, a playful but somewhat serious lilt to his words, concerned. [She replies "It's not about you, per se. Vincent doesn't really like anyone"] The necromancer chuckled. "No, this seems so very personal."

"My grandma used to bring me to this place, when I was a kid." He mused, fiddling with the blue flower between his fingers, before placing it inside the book. "For a lonely commoner kid with a strange magic that everyone was afraid of, these dusty books were paradise. A world where maybe I really could be anyone."

"May I have this dance, darling? We may as well enjoy this uppity evening on our own terms, before anyone makes it otherwise."

Tagging - @oh-no-another-idea, @dreaminggoblin, @mitchell-nihil, @starlit-hopes-and-dreams,@yet-another-heathen @talesofsorrowandofruin, @thetruearchmagos, @writernopal, @i-can-even-burn-salad, @clairelsonao3, @little-peril-stories, @memento-morri-writes and @saltysupercomputer

[americanwh0resstuff]

You look good, open casket good…

Chapter I, from the earth to the morgue…

When Amy’s old uni flat mate, Ravi, offers her a job in the police department morgue, just till she gets on her feet. But how will she react when she finds out about the existence of zombies? Especially when one particular zombie is this charming?

What?? An actual fanfiction with multiple chapters???? Yep I’m gonna try my best here…

Word count: 1,083

From the earth to the morgue…

“Okay… so the new mortician is from England?”

Liv asked, quickly downing her brain smoothie, eyeing up Ravi before their new coworker arrived.

“Well, Scotland but close enough… you Americans and your geography…” he rolled his eyes and chuckled, polishing the currently empty autopsy tables, making sure the entire morgue was spotless.

“Remember our agreement. No brains in the kitchen when she’s around, she’s already stressed enough from the move, I don’t think she needs the pressure of a zombie ME on her back.”

Liv rolled her eyes and came back with “what if I blend them up? Cover them in breadcrumbs? What if-“ she was cut short by the sound of footsteps coming down the stairs.

“Ravi!!!” The duo turned on their heels to see a short women, covered in tattoos and a few piercings, but that’s not what stood out.

Their eyes studied her, her pale skin, dark sunken eyes, white streaks in her black hair.

Ravi looked shocked.

“Amy, you’re a-“

“Still a goth yeah I know… it never really was a phase.” She laughed at her own joke, giggling oblivious to their concerns.

“Right, yep, still a goth…” Ravi collected himself and shot Liv a look, both slightly relieved that the new mortician was not in fact undead.

Amy felt slightly uncomfortable in the silence, looking between the two and taking a step forward, extending her hand to Liv.

“Hi I’m Amy, Ravi mentioned you! Said you’re an amazing colleague!” She smiled wide as she shook her hand. “Nice hair! I had bleached hair for a while but it’s such a hassle! That’s why I stick with the highlights, less maintenance! How do you get your so white!?”

“Oh I-well I was already a blonde so… you know, less…bleach?” Liv questioned her own answer, unsure of how to respond.

“I’m sorry I’m talking your ear off, so where do I start?”

•••

About a week passed and the famous duo turned to the famous trio, Amy’s dark jokes and bubbly personality contrasting her darker look quickly became a staple in the workplace. Her knowledge of true crime and disturbing facts always amused Clive, her and Liv would have many fun chats about fashion and makeup, and it never phased her when her personality would changed.

As for her and Ravi, they still got along as they did in uni, constantly playing pranks on Liv, joking around and fighting over style choices on the deceased, to which Clive always disapproved. ~”cut that out! Ravi let her do her work, she’s the mortician… and I don’t think anyone should take fashion advice from you… dead or alive.”~

“Okay guys I’m heading out for lunch, anyone want anything?” Amy asked, grabbing her bag and making sure she had her purse.

“We’re all good thanks!”

Ravi smiled at her and watched her turn and head out the bay door, waiting till she was out of site before pulling out his phone.

Liv looked at him puzzled. “What are you up to now?”

“Calling Blaine, he’s upstairs waiting on his weekly checkup, and I’m not letting him near Amy, he doesn’t need to annoy her like he annoys us”

She chuckled at his panicked voice and nodded in agreement, he was right, Blaine can be a huge pain in the ass, and the less people he annoys the better, plus knowing him, he’s never able to meet a woman without hitting on her.

“Hey there doctor! How are you doing on this fine day!” Ravi rolled his eyes upon hearing his voice, taunting him with the smug look on his face.

“Sit here and be quiet.” Blaine cocked his eyebrow at Liv.

“Snappy. Who’s brain did you eat?”

She scoffed and turned back to the kitchen, preparing her lunch while she could.

Since she didn’t have much time, she kept it simple, pure old brains in a cup of ramen.

Blaine sat down on the autopsy table, rolling up his sleeves for the blood pressure cuff, looking up at the ceiling as the inspection went on in silence.

Until…

“I’m such an idiot, got all the way to the bagel shop before I realised it was closed on Wednesdays!”

They all looked up to see their human coworker standing at the door, in a room with two zombies…

Liv looked at Ravi in panic mouthing “say something!”

“Oh-you’re back ear-“

Blaine cut him off.

“And who are you? Looks like you’re new to team Z?” He took a good look at her, taking in her pale skin and blonde streaks. Ravi poked him in the back and tried to cut him off.

“I’m Amy!” She said enthusiastically, always friendly…

“I’m sorry, Team what?”

Blaine’s eyes widened and he sat up straight

“So you’re human… is this a style choice or?” She looked at him slightly confused but laughed it off.

“Oh don’t go making vampire jokes, I heard enough of those in high school.” She smiled and walked towards him on the table.

“Blaine DeBeers, nice to meet you, you have the most beautiful eyes…” he grasped her hand.

He could practically feel Ravi and Livs eyes rolling and burning into his back.

“…well then, looks like you’re all done here! See you next week.”

“Woah doc, you should work on your bedside manner, not very professional!”

Amy blushed lightly and looked down, she had to admit he was attractive, but something felt off, which was accentuated by her coworkers dirty looks towards him.

“What’s a pretty girl like you doing in here, don’t tell me you’re Ravis girlfriend, cuz I know that’s a lie!”

She laughed at his joke and looked over at Ravi, who she could swear was trying to telepathically murder the man in front of her.

“I’m a mortician, I just moved to Seattle, Ravi helped me get a job, it’s just short term, till I find something more secure… not a lot of people want their loved ones cared for in a police department.”

Blaine’s eyes lit up and he smirked at her before pulling a business card from his jacket.

“Well luckily for you… I run a funeral home, and I’m looking for a mortician, my numbers on the back, give me a call sometime.” He winked at her before turning towards the stairs.

“Well then, looks like I should get going, thanks again doc! See you next week.” He nodded towards Ravi and Liv before peering over his shoulder at Amy.

“And hopefully I’ll see you sooner.”

Chapter II

[overthinkingtaleblr]

I remember looking through MaddieFriendLovesBilly's shiplist, and seeing something about how Jimmy and Gavin could be a formidable duo if working together and now I'm thinking about it.

Like Gavin is trying to get some Intel from this guy but the hostage ain't spilling and goes "oh yeah? And what if I dont?" as they say this, something moves in the dark, just out of peripheral vision.

"well, I couldn't do this on my own and I need... compensation." Gavin looks at something behind them and continues, "he isn't patient, so either tell me or he starts taking it by himself"

As they think this over, they can here whatever is behind them: soft footsteps, the sudden scrape of metal, eyes drilling into their back hungrily. Take too long to choose or get snarky? A finger is bit off. That seels the deal.

And when Gavin's done with everything and he doesn't need the hostage anymore? He just looks into the darkness behind them and calls out, "all yours Jimmy." And watches the guy run in a panic. It ends with a dead and half cannibalised hostage, and Jimmy taking a partly eaten hand back home.

That scene sounds incredibly badass, but I do think that Jimmy Casket would be a bit difficult to control (see: hold back), even with bribery… but, depending on how Gavin is, there’s a nonzero chance that he Pavlov’d the great Jimmy Casket into waiting for his kills.

Also, I feel like it would be interesting if Casket being utilized in this way had an effect on Ghost’s mental health. Like, it’s one thing for the guy who possesses your body to be well-practiced but overall just spontaneous, but if Gavin is making plans to commit organized crimes with him, that means multiple things are suddenly different about Jimmy and Ghost’s dynamic. For start: it means that Jimmy has somewhere to be when he possesses Ghost and he isn’t just doing it to clear out the area of all life or something. There’s a plan, a sudden method to the madness, and Jimmy might start actively interfering in PIE’s affairs to ensure that he’s able to make it to the next event Gavin offered him a free body at.

It does also mean that Gavin would have both less and more of a reason to impersonate his brother to get close to Ghost. A lot of the process of getting Casket to trust him would probably have included communicating to Ghost since… it means he’s less likely to get fatally stabbed on a first encounter... And also eaten according to your ask. Even with respawns, I imagine that would hurt a lot. Also, I like how Gavin and Jimmy can pull off a hot and cold dynamic here, with Gavin being cunning and sly and casket just being chaos incarnate. Gavin sounds like a supervillain in this, which is really cool tbh it sounds like he can pull that off well.

(Now might be a good time to admit that I see Jimmy less like a person and more like a force of nature— something that can’t be trained or controlled, but can be planned for and mitigated to prevent as much damage as possible. Aside from a possible stint with DIE, which would only be possible if J.Cranky understands how Casket thinks, he’s not much of a team player. He’s here for a good time, and is apparently a major introvert in my hcs… also as someone who has a human-eating Jenny Ghost. I could see them getting roped into this)

[the-firebird69]

The guy got killed in 1997 and it was for screwing around with JC and Mary so he got to wonder if they're even in the grave because that's when they got in the car accident and we think that he may have gotten switched out with Trump and his wife and they went up to Saturn

Thor Freya

Olympus

He didn't threaten for this information other people think that's what happened and he's saying all sorts of crap is holding different skeletons he went out there to try and check and we know that he didn't even come close and people say that too and they were moved people say they can see it on a scan but they can't see inside it could be empty they were LED caskets and you can't turn it up

Hera

Are you homo John remillard you're a f****** homo this guy is drilling you

Zues

Haha well that sucks yeah don't sit here and f*** around me you f****** moron I don't care for your company I don't want you staring at me like a little f****** Jew bag retard go do something else try and find out where your ass is going... He's right about something it's not him doing it I'm hassling him and getting in trouble and it's his brother Dave but he didn't know he was his brother and he's the last of his line and everyone wants me dead for doing it and it could be the sky is alive running around doing stuff to me that's pretty bad

John remillard

Oh you a****** you can't piece that s*** together yeah who moved him probably this idiot John remillard and got in a fight with Tommy f and the computer revives the guy yeah or grabbed him and revived him and our friend says I don't hear Dave the computer might have him which is very bad and he's the embeds and it's after John remillard and boy that makes sense

Stan

I can't stand it that sounds like logic and it's Stan and my client Chris and this is amazing

Sherry

Olympus

[ao3feed-brucewayne]

Glass Casket (a study in fractal cosmology)

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/UhNGbL9 by Sentient_Stove There wasn’t any sign of rot either, and with how damp the sewers and Gotham in general was, that was a feat within itself, unless they were placed here recently. He was going to have to report this- unknown bodies not in graveyards had to be reported and for good reason considering the amount of health hazards this kind of thing provided, but Damian also sort of didn’t want to disturb the eerie scene, or break the tranquility of the resting body. The teenager inside the coffin’s face grimaced. Their brow furrowed, closed eyelids fluttering like they were trying to open them and their chest moved, clearly alive, clearly breathing, oh god there was a human not dead in a fucking coffin. Damian yelped and went to grab the glass. Or: Damian finds a dead guy in the sewers and does the normal thing in this kind of situation. Which is bring them home and make them everyone else's problem too. Words: 3263, Chapters: 1/4, Language: English Fandoms: Danny Phantom, Batman - All Media Types Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: Gen, M/M Characters: Danny Fenton, Damian Wayne, Cujo (Danny Phantom), Jazz Fenton, Vlad Masters, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Sam Manson, Tucker Foley, Jason Todd Relationships: Danny Fenton/Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson & Damian Wayne, Danny Fenton & Jazz Fenton, Danny Fenton & Vlad Masters, Cujo (Danny Phantom) & Damian Wayne, Clockwork & Danny Fenton Additional Tags: Whump, Buried Alive, Ghost King Danny Fenton, Protective Damian Wayne, Jack and Maddie Fenton's C- Parenting, they try, Court of Owls, This is just a regular tuesday for Danny, Canon Related, Eldritch Danny Fenton, Best Boy Cujo, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, mentions of vivisection, Jack and Maddie Fenton Know Danny Fenton is Danny Phantom, Protective Jazz Fenton, Other Additional Tags to Be Added read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/UhNGbL9

[nitewrighter]

Hanzo: I hope your mother is well. Kirko: The Hashimoto run our neighborhood now so... Hanzo: Oh, I am sorry to hear that. Kiroko: Sorry enough to help? Hanzo: ... (more lines like this please. And is Hanzo seriously THAT out of the loop?! Who does he think he's been beating up at Shimada Castle every year?)

“Those weren’t our goons??? Then who’s been sending assassins after me???”

It would be so fucking funny if Hanzo didn’t even know Genji took down the Shimada clan. He offhandedly says something like “Even if there’s no longer a scion, there’s no way [insert clan enforcer here] would have let things get this bad.” And you just hear Genji suck a breath through his teeth and glance off awkwardly.

[renaerys]

Open Casket, Open Bar (SasoSaku Month 2022)

Summary: It's the day of the Third Tsuchikage's funeral, but a blond, idiot-shaped successor has misplaced his corpse, oh no! Luckily, Sasori knows his way around a dead body, and Sakura can't help but sort of be super into it.

Rating: T

World: Another Kazekage!Sasori AU featuring please-don’t-drag-me-into-your-bullshit Sakura, who is promptly dragged into all of the bullshit.

Read it below or on AO3 

xxx

Sasori didn’t do funerals. Not for lack of dead people to bury (by that metric, he was top of the leaderboard because the leaderboard was the War and war was his business, or used to be). Not for lack of trying, either (Chiyo had an aggressive case of that musty, greasy-sweet old people smell and her teeth popped out when she cackled, which were all very good reasons to remind her to please hurry up and croak any day now). 

But Chiyo was back in Suna probably rearranging all his furniture because she knew how much he hated it when she did that. He was going to come home to find an entire sofa in his kitchen again because she liked to sit comfortably while waiting for her tea to steep and these old bones can’t be running around your house all day. Sasori debated poisoning her when he got back, but she’d surely take that as an invitation for retaliation or worse, a sign of affection.

And anyway, Sasori was here at some old dead guy’s wake in Iwa—

(“How did you know Grandpa Shin?”)

(“Who?”)

—availing himself of the open bar—

(“I’m sorry for your loss.”)

(“Sorry enough to hand over the whole bottle?”)

—with Kakashi’s extremely uncooperative head medic.

“You are not getting wasted at a funeral,” she hissed, snatching the bottle of whiskey out of his hands, “sir.” To spite him, she took a swig from the bottle directly.

As if this would deter him. 

“This isn’t our funeral,” Sasori reminded her. 

“That is even worse. What if they kick us out? Gods, what if someone recognizes us?” She took another sip from the bottle. 

With her bright pink hair and the infamous Yin Seal tramp-stamped onto her generously wide forehead, Haruno Sakura was perhaps more recognizable on sight than even Sasori himself, at least when he was not in his office’s full regalia, like right now. Meaning, if they were found out and then forcibly ejected from Iwa for the rest of eternity, it would one hundred percent be her fault. 

Ergo, the drinking.

“If you continue to look suspiciously around like you’re waiting for the opportune time to snatch the corpse from its casket and escape before anyone notices, you will absolutely be recognized.”

“Except we are waiting for that opportune time and we are here to steal a corpse, actually.”

Sasori laid a heavy hand on her shoulder and leaned into her personal space. She shivered when he pressed his mouth close enough to her ear to feel the warmth of his words, as softly delivered as a stiletto between the ribs. “Perhaps don’t announce our nefarious plan before we can actually pull it off, Sakura.”

“Sir, I…” Distracted by the warmth behind his words and the threatening shape they took, Sakura didn’t notice when he took the whiskey bottle back and slid it out of her reach. Only when he pulled back and took a self-satisfied drink directly from the bottle did her flushed, dreamy expression warp with indignation. “That was very dirty.”

“You are easily distracted.”

“And you are the Kazekage—” Sakura lowered her voice to a scene-appropriate quietly choke on glass, please level. “I cannot believe I was roped into this. I don’t even work for you.”

Sasori could believe it. Every business dinner or summit he had attended with Kakashi over the years, Sakura had been there as part of his Hokage entourage. She’d always been well-spoken and erudite, and she made up for Kakashi’s indolence and casual lack of propriety with no-bullshit professionalism and efficiency whenever work was involved. The Suna-Konoha alliance didn’t maintain itself; that was the job of the respective guards, assistants, and advisors of the Kazekage’s and Hokage’s offices. Between her, Nara Shikamaru, Temari, and Kankuro, the alliance had survived a decade strong. 

Of course she was getting roped into this latest nonsense. Kakashi certainly wasn’t going to do it himself.

Sasori refilled the glass he’d been using and nudged it toward her across the bar. “No, but I am not about to kidnap and transport the Tsuchikage’s misplaced corpse across town without cashing in on a long overdue favor.”

Sakura grimaced. She accepted the whiskey glass without protest and brought it to her lips. Easily won-over too, Sasori mused, hiding a smirk behind another drag from the bottle.

“I am going to burn every dirty magazine in Kakashi’s collection when we get back to Konoha.”

“If you’re set on felony retribution, I would suggest you focus your energies on the hapless idiot who got us into this mess.”

In and out and no one’ll even notice you’re gone, Deidara had said. I can’t leave the wake or I’d do it myself, he’d said. Deidara had unfortunately not agreed to Sasori’s very reasonable suggestion to abdicate his position as Tsuchikage-elect immediately so that he could leave Oonoki’s wake and go collect the body-swapped corpse himself. 

(“Deidara, you cannot possibly be serious.”)

(“Serious as a prostate exam, yeah.”)

(“But how could you have lost track of Oonoki’s body? You are not even formally in power yet. Overseeing your predecessor’s funeral rights is literally your only job right now.”)

(“Listen, there were a lot of old dead fuckers at the morgue and they all looked the same, and the paperwork was taking forever, and it was colder than a snowman’s ballsack down there, and— Okay, okay, I know I fucked up.”)

(“You have colossally fucked up.”)

(“Day zero and I already shit the bed—”)

(“A bed of lies and ineptitude of the highest order.”)

(“I get it, okay? My man, I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate. No one will miss you for a couple hours except me, yeah.”)

(“So not only do you want me to clean up your mess and commit a treaty-breaking felony for you, but you’re also suggesting I am so unsociable and disliked that no one will care that I’m gone.”)

(“I mean, I was trying to compliment our beautiful bond of friendship, but tell me more about your popularity complex, yeah.”)

(“Deidara.”)

(“Yuh-huh?”)

(“Stop fucking talking.”)

“No no, as far as I’m concerned Deidara is your dead body to bury. I don’t care how many favors Kakashi owes you; I draw the line at being loaned out for body snatching contract work. Sir.” Sakura added the honorific as an afterthought, a respectfully, fuck you that made Sasori grin. Unfortunately, she was preoccupied with her drink and her self-pity and didn’t notice him watching her. 

Not that Sasori had expected the Hokage to accompany him personally (in his experience, Kakashi was supernaturally good at getting out of his responsibilities or else being so monumentally unhelpful in them that everyone else decided it was best he not bother). But he also had not expected Kakashi to offer up his head medic in his place. 

(“So just to make sure I understand you correctly, you want to help Deidara—”)

(“I supremely fucking don’t, actually—”)

(“—crash someone else’s funeral to steal back the Tsuchikage’s cadaver—”)

(“It’s not a party, Kakashi. No one will be crashing anything—”)

(“—and bring it back here before anyone notices the dead guy in the casket is actually just some random farmer?”)

(“Yes. You owe me.”)

(Kakashi had smiled warmly behind that childish mask he insisted on wearing to this day. “Well, lucky for you, I know someone who’s very good with a dead body.”)

“He said what?” Sakura gripped her glass so hard it broke in her hand. 

Sasori sighed. There was no point in belaboring the point. They were here, and they were not leaving without all four-and-a-half feet of their decomposing prize. He flagged down one of the bartenders to clean up the shards and spilled whiskey. The man looked from Sakura’s distraught face and the mess she’d made to Sasori with his fist white-knuckling around the neck of the bottle and made a noise of sympathy.

“My deepest condolences for your loss—”

“Please go away,” Sakura interrupted at the same time as Sasori said, “You can fuck off now.”

The bartender snatched the towel full of broken glass and backed away slowly. 

“You are very rude, you know,” Sakura said. 

“That’s my right as Kazekage.”

She rolled her eyes and reached for a new glass behind the bar. Sasori poured her a couple fingers and watched her throw them back in one shot, make a face at the burn, and decisively push the glass away. “Okay, so we are actually doing this. Gods forgive me.”

“It’s Deidara who should be asking for forgiveness at the end of this.”

“That is one funeral I will happily attend.”

“Cheers.”

xxx

Predictably, Sasori did not like her suggestion that they mingle and at least try to look like they belonged at this wake. If left to his own devices, Sakura was sure he would remain sitting at the bar, get completely sloshed, and leave her to do all the heavy lifting, literally. Well, not today. Sakura had taken her best friend Ino’s advice and chosen a form-flattering black dress in the western style for the Tsuchikage’s funeral, elegant for the occasion but hot enough to wear to the bars she planned to visit afterwards with Shī and Kiri and the other medics she’d become friendly with over the years at these international gatherings. If she had to be here plotting to commit a crime, then she was going to make the most of how good she looked. 

The event was lively, at least, as lively as a funeral could be. There was bar music playing, and the dive bar that the family had rented out for the occasion was set up with standing tables for people to gather and chat. Some of the guests laughed as they traded stories about the deceased’s happier memories. The open casket at the back of the room was surrounded with offerings of food, dried flowers, and framed pictures. It was actually quite a nice event that someone had clearly put some effort into planning. Too bad they were celebrating the wrong dead body. 

Sakura set her shoulders and wandered to the viewing casket, where a young woman stood weeping quietly. “Are you all right?” she asked, handing her a tissue. 

“Hm? Oh, yes, I’m sorry,” the young woman said. She accepted the tissue and blew her nose. “It’s just so sad!”

Sakura had no choice but to take back the used tissue when the woman handed it back. “Super sad.”

“Even in death, he looks so young and vibrant, don’t you think so?”

Sakura peered at the weathered face of Oonoki, former Third Tsuchikage of Iwa, frowning so hard he looked like he’d died constipated. “Um…”

“How did you know Grandpa Shin?”

Shit, don’t panic.

Just be cool. 

What would Ino do?

“We dated,” Sakura said smoothly (nailed it).

The young woman stopped crying. “I’m sorry, did you just say you dated Grandpa Shin?”

“What?”

I said what now?

The young woman looked quite lucid as she regarded Sakura. “Oh my stars, are you that nurse Aunt Rinko fired? Michiko something or other?” She gasped. “I knew it! You did seduce him, and they tried to cover it up.”

Sakura sensed that this was spiraling way out of control. “Whoa, okay, well first of all, I’m actually a doctor, not a nurse—”

“Like I wouldn’t figure it out.” She was in her own head now, not even seeing Sakura. “Shotaro is gonna shit his pants when I tell him we were right this whole time.”

“Who? Hey, wait a minute, you don’t have to tell anyone—aaaand she’s gone.”

The young woman darted off to spread her hot gossip, leaving Sakura alone with Oonoki’s open casket feeling oddly sheepish. “This is your fault,” she berated the dead body.

“Paying your respects, I see.” Sasori appeared out of nowhere looking irritable, like a recurring rash. At least he didn’t sound like he’d been drinking. “How did mingling go?”

“I think I just landed myself in a sex scandal with a 90-year-old man.”

“You were gone for five minutes.”

“It was an accident.”

Sasori peered at Oonoki resting peacefully in the wrong coffin. Then he looked Sakura up and down. “He could have done a lot worse for himself, I guess.”

Sakura gaped. “He could have…”

“Come on, before you panic again and start confessing to illicit affairs with all the other Kages too.”

What Sakura would have given to punch the Kazekage without repercussions just then. Instead, she used her words: “Not all of them, just the hot ones.”

Sasori’s gaze lingered on her, not curious but also not not curious. 

Joke’s on you, sir. They’re all hot.

She skipped away to mingle some more.

xxx

Surprisingly, stealing Oonoki’s cadaver wasn’t the hard part; schlepping it across Iwa in broad daylight was. 

For starters, it had begun to rain. 

“Well, this can’t possibly get any worse,” Sakura said cheerfully as she shouldered the dead Tsuchikage she and Sasori had burrito-wrapped in a table cloth.

At which point, some tidy citizen dumped the contents of a latrine out a second story window directly in their path. Sasori luckily noticed it in time and stopped before he could pass under the cascade. Sakura, walking behind him with their ill-gotten burden, did not. 

In a very unfortunate collision between the physics of inertia and fast shinobi footwork, Sasori managed to twist them around before they could splash through the piss puddle, but Oonoki’s corpse slipped from Sakura’s grasp and kept going. It landed in a dirty puddle of rainwater and splashed Sasori’s pristine, white tabi socks. 

For a moment, he could only stare in disbelief at this utterly disgraceful outcome. Sakura recovered first. Tucked snugly within Sasori’s arm that had caught her, she covered her face with her hands. “I don’t know how that happened.”

“You dropped him,” Sasori pointed out.

“I dropped—wait, how is this my fault?”

“I pulled you to safety. You’re the one who let him go.”

Sakura looked ready to pop. “You’re the one who said we should take the back alleys to avoid suspicion, and look what happened!” She pointed menacingly at the second story apartment where the instigating piss pour had come from. 

“Just pick him up before he gets soaked.”

“Why should I? You pick him up!”

“I’m not the one who dropped him.”

“Oh, for the love of—”

A crack of thunder heralded an onslaught of more rain, heavy and sheet-like, and in seconds, Sasori’s clothes were soaked through. Sakura shrieked, swiped the swaddled corpse off the damp ground with one effortless, super-powered fist, and took off sprinting after Sasori down the alley.

It was by the grace of the gods (in Sakura’s opinion) or by sheer, dumb luck (by Sasori’s estimation) that they managed to arrive back at the pavilion where Oonoki’s wake was being held without running into anyone they knew. Even so, as Sasori held the door for Sakura to muscle her way through with Oonoki’s body slung over her shoulder, he couldn’t shake his paranoia. 

“What the—hey!”

Sasori ignored her protests and placed a heavy hand over her head, now covered by his damp, formal haori. “Be quiet and keep moving.”

Sakura grumbled something about not taking orders from him, but Sasori tightened his grip on her hair through the haori and marched them through the grey corridors. 

“Lord Kazekage?” asked a puzzled voice behind them that Sasori vaguely recognized but couldn’t place. 

“Fuck.” He manhandled Sakura around a sharp corner, opened the first door he found, and shoved her inside.

It was dark and a little cramped, and Sakura had once more dropped Oonoki’s body on the floor.

“Sasori—”

Sasori shoved her hard against the wall, trapped her very dangerous arms with his chakra threads, and clamped a hand over her mouth before she could give them away. She squirmed, but a harsh shh shut her up long enough for Sasori to listen for the footsteps jogging by outside. She must have heard them too because she stopped struggling and fell totally silent. 

They waited a beat. 

When Sasori was satisfied that they’d lost whoever it was that had recognized him, he relaxed a little. Sakura didn’t move to push him away (not that she could have with his strings around her). His eyes adjusted to the darkness enough to make out the shape of her features. The light filtering in from the crack under the doorway glinted in her eyes just enough to read her confused indignation. 

Sasori removed his hand from her mouth. “Since when are you so informal with me, Sakura?”

He couldn’t see in the gloom, but he could hear the blush behind her words when she retorted, “Since you shoved me in a closet and tied me up with chakra strings, sir.”

Sasori chuckled softly. “Ah, so stealing a dead body is par for the course, but this is where you draw the line.”

“Hey, don’t drag him into this. He did nothing wrong.”

She was bolder than he remembered. Perhaps years of a close working relationship, even with a taciturn cynic like himself, could have that familiarizing effect on people. Then again, she had never had his undivided attention for an entire afternoon as they committed a funeral heist in a foreign country. Maybe Kakashi was right about her proficiency with a corpse. 

This specific thought endeared Sasori to her more than he expected. 

That, and the fact that he could feel the elevated rise and fall of her chest pressed flush against him through their wet clothing. 

“Fine,” Sasori said, “just you and me, then.” 

Sakura must have clocked something warm and ruthless in his voice, because now she stiffened with prey instinct. “Well, I mean, that’s—” She cleared her throat. “Do you think the coast is clear?”

Sasori slowly retracted his strings and parted from her body. “Well, we can’t spend the rest of the afternoon in here.”

“No, of course not…”

The darkness hid his smirk as he cracked the door open and peered outside. No one was around, so he beckoned for Sakura to follow. She hauled Oonoki’s body onto her shoulder effortlessly, Sasori covered her hair with his haori again, and they were off once more. 

xxx

“So, not only is my dress ruined and my hair a mess,” Sakura ground out, “but he smells like a dead body.”

“He is a dead body,” Sasori said.

Sakura didn’t care for his patronizing tone as she paced around the luxury bathroom Sasori had locked them inside. “This is an open casket wake. He cannot smell like that! And why is his face that color?”

Oonoki’s cheek was a splotchy, jaundiced bruise that had definitely not been there at the first wake. 

“The rain must have run his makeup,” Sasori said, looking pointedly at her. “You know, when you dropped him in that puddle.”

Sakura picked up the nearest item (a roll of toilet paper) and chucked it at Sasori’s head. He snatched it with his strings and hovered it back to the sink like the prodigious jerk he was. “I don’t deserve this,” she whined.

“You can lay your grievances at Kakashi’s feet later. For now, help me undress him.”

“I’m sorry?”

“He needs to be rinsed clean, obviously.” 

Sakura looked between Sasori supporting Oonoki’s body with his chakra strings and the handicap shower stall he was angling for. She hung her head in her hands. “We are surely going to hell for this.”

“Sakura, his pants, if you don’t mind.”

If she wasn’t damned for de-pantsing the Tsuchikage’s corpse, surely her imminent murder of Kakashi would do the trick. Grumbling profanities, Sakura nonetheless got down to business helping Sasori undress Oonoki, turning on the shower, and holding the curtain open for Sasori to maneuver him under the spray. 

She didn’t want to watch, obviously, except the way Sasori made the body move was so natural she nearly forgot it was dead. When Oonoki effortlessly reached for the shampoo to wash his own hair, Sakura couldn’t help but marvel at the performance. 

“He must be as stiff as a board with rigor mortis by now,” she said. “How are you making him move so fluidly?”

“Because I’m very good.”

Sakura didn’t have it in her to knock him for that one. He was right, after all. “It’s remarkable.”

Sasori regarded her. “He’s no different from any other human puppet under my thrall.”

Right, like she could forget about Sasori’s collection. She had fought alongside his Third Kazekage puppet herself years ago when Gaara had been kidnapped by terrorists intent on extracting his tailed beast. Sasori had taken his old mentor’s body when the man died suddenly before his time and preserved his power to protect Suna for the next generation. But there were also rumors that Sasori had murdered the Third himself. Sakura had never given much stock to the rumors, of course. He was the Kazekage!

“It’s almost a shame we have to return him,” Sasori said. “I wouldn’t mind adding another Kage to my collection.”

Well, pardon the fuck outta me.

He must have read the surprise in her expression, because he smirked in such a way that did nothing to settle her. “Relax. I’m only joking.”

Sakura averted her gaze and crossed her arms. “Maybe don’t quit your day job, sir.”

She felt the weight of his gaze on her, something thoughtful but unreadable. “Hm.”

Sakura looked around for something to change the subject before she did something insane like ask him how he made human puppets in the first place (that would require significantly more to drink than she’d had, so maybe later tonight). 

“Hey, wait a minute. What are we going to dress him in once he’s clean?”

“The clothes he was wearing before, obviously.”

“No way, his funeral clothes are as wet and ruined as ours. People will absolutely notice the smell if we do that.”

“Unless you have a men’s suit hiding under that skirt, then I don’t see much other choice.”

Sakura rolled her eyes and moved around the spacious bathroom. “There must be something… Oh!” She pulled out a navy yukata folded on the shelf next to the sink counter. It was a one-size-fits-all men’s robe, but it was dry and clean and it would certainly look better than the bilge water-soaked suit Oonoki had been wearing before. “This should work just fine!”

She unfolded the garment to show Sasori, and he frowned. “Why does it say ‘Mr.’ on the back?”

“Huh? Whatever, no one will see the back, anyway. Come on, let’s dry him off and get him dressed!”

Sasori and Sakura surveyed their work once Oonoki was laid flat on the fold-out diaper changing counter with critical eyes. 

“Well, he looks,” Sakura trailed off. 

“Dead.”

“I mean, yeah.”

“He looks like he was dropped on his head in the street.”

Sakura stiffened. “I wouldn’t go that far—”

“You must have dropped him on his face back in the alley.”

“Can we please stop talking about that? How are we going to explain this?”

“We can just reapply his makeup. What do you have on you?”

“Oh, that’s not a bad idea, actually.” Sakura checked her purse. It was damp like the rest of her, but the tube of lipstick and the stick of foundation she usually carried were in fine condition. “This is all I have.”

Sasori examined the products with a critical eye. “This is a cheap brand.”

Sakura gaped at him. “For your information, they don’t test on animals and they’re hypoallergenic—”

A knock at the door startled them both. Sakura said, “It’s occupied!” at the same time as Sasori said, “Go away.”

The person on the other side muttered a hasty apology, and they heard fast footsteps receding. It hit Sakura then that whoever had knocked probably thought she and Sasori were in here getting busy, and that was just the icing on the fuck-this-day cake she did not need. 

“Anyway, you can’t wear this shit,” Sasori said, even as he opened up the foundation and hovered over Oonoki’s face. “It isn’t even your shade. I’ll get you something better later.”

Sakura was too affronted to consider what he meant by later. “Since when do you know so much about makeup?”

“Since I have good taste and a discerning eye. Now, go clean yourself up while I fix him.”

Unfortunately, he wasn’t wrong about needing to get cleaned up. She couldn’t show her face at the wake in sodden clothes smelling like the streets and dead old man. However, showering with two Kages in the room, one of whom was extremely dead, was not exactly an inviting atmosphere. Sakura resolved to hurry up and get it over with as she hastily undressed behind the shower curtain and scrubbed herself clean. 

“Hey, can you hand me one of the women’s yukata, please?” Sakura stuck her hand out from behind the curtain. 

After a moment of shuffling, Sasori handed her the clean garment and she unfolded it. “Oh, no.”

“What’s the problem now?” Sasori asked, irritated. 

Sakura bit her lip. She was tempted to think nothing else could go wrong on a day full of wrongs, but recent history told her otherwise. She opted for denial. “Nothing! All good, super good.”

She emerged from the shower dry and clean and changed into the yukata, and Sasori didn’t spare her a glance as he finished with Oonoki. And, to be fair, he must not have been kidding when he said he had a discerning eye, because the work looked very professional. 

“Wow, he almost looks alive,” Sakura said, admiring the artificial flush in his cheeks Sasori had somehow achieved with her lipstick. 

“I’m good with dead bodies,” Sasori said. 

“Yeah, you really are.”

Sasori glanced at her askance, but Sakura was too busy admiring the miracle he had worked on Oonoki’s complexion. 

“Hey, if we get caught and have to resign in disgrace, we could always open up a mortuary or something. I’ll haul, you paint,” Sakura joked. 

“Tempting. Though, I doubt Kakashi would let you go so easily.”

Sakura grinned imagining how that conversation would play out. The paperwork she’d be leaving him with alone would be reason enough for Kakashi to protest. “Hm, leaving him for the Kazekage, I bet he’d be less than thrilled.”

Sasori was silent a beat, and Sakura found him watching her intently. He had always had an air of intensity about him, but to have it focused solely on her and so close was—well, not unsettling, but spine-tingling. The way having any very attractive, very powerful person’s full attention was spine-tingling. 

Aaaaand we’re not going to find the Kazekage hot in a bathroom with a dead body, thank you, next.

Sakura wondered if this whole ordeal wasn’t making her a little bit crazy. Or a little bit horny. She coughed. “Um, so, did you want to clean up? Sir?” 

“Ah. I’ll be quick.”

He disappeared behind the shower curtain, and Sakura was left to twiddle her thumbs alongside the dead body until he was done.

xxx

“Holy fucking shit, I owe you,” Deidara gushed when he had a moment away from schmoozing the high profile guests. 

“You will be repaying me for the rest of your very short life,” Sasori confirmed as he sipped his drink. 

“Kurotsuchi almost figured it out, yeah.” Deidara leaned in close. “She was all, let’s open up the casket early, and I was like, but why, and she was like, but why not, and I had to make up some shit about a generational curse triggering if we don’t wait, like, exactly until five to show—”

“Deidara.”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Deidara grinned and actually had the audacity to hug Sasori right there where anybody could see. “I love you, man.”

“I am this close to committing a violent tort,” Sasori said as he allowed the contact (so as not to make a scene, obviously). 

“Well, you two seem in high spirits.” Kakashi appeared in formal black with a smile in his eye. “I gather everything went smoothly?”

Sasori considered how a wandering Darui had nearly happened upon him tucking Oonoki into the casket in the viewing room while Sakura hauled the dead farmer’s body out to stash in a closet. It was only by the grace of an insistent Terumi Mei pulling him back to the festivities before he could flake off for a nap that they were not discovered by either Kage in flagrante. 

“Of course,” Sasori lied easily. 

“No issues?” 

“Not a single one.”

“That’s good!” 

Sasori was too busy catching sight of Sakura across the room chatting with a few of her fellow medics. She laughed at something Darui’s head medic, Shī something or other, had said. Sasori watched as her friendly hand lingered on the Kumo nin’s arm.

“I just have a question,” Kakashi kept talking. 

Sasori wondered if Shī would have been able to steal Oonoki’s corpse with Sakura, and decided against it. The guy looked like he drank celery juice and trained for marathons and made sure everyone knew it. “What,” Sasori said just as Sakura looked up and caught him watching her. 

“Why are you and my favorite former student wearing matching His and Hers yukata?”

Deidara fully spit out his drink on a passing server and began to choke.

Sasori took a sip from his drink, unfazed. “We got a little…wet.”

“P-Please—” Deidara sputtered, about to die laughing around his sake. The server he’d sprayed on patted his back in alarm. 

Sakura had noticed the three Kages all looking at her and began to make her way across the room toward them. 

“I see,” Kakashi said, still smiling. “I’m relieved it all worked out.”

Before Sakura approached them, Sasori said, “By the way, you might want to keep a careful eye on your porn after today.”

Kakashi stiffened at the loaded warning.

“This looks like a very suspicious meeting of the minds,” Sakura said as she joined them. 

Deidara took one look at the monogramed Mrs. on her yukata and had to be escorted away for water. Sakura looked puzzled at the “Congratulations!” he choked out as he went. 

“Look at the time,” Kakashi said. “I just remembered I have to go check on something.” He teleported out of there before Sakura could get a word in edge-wise. 

And then, it was just the two of them. 

“Why do I get the feeling he knows I’m plotting my revenge?” Sakura grumbled.

Sasori eyed her drink. “Enjoying yourself?”

“About as much as anyone can at a funeral.”

Sasori slipped a hand along the small of Sakura’s back just below her obi. “Next time will be better.”

Sakura cocked a brow. She didn’t push his hand away. “Are you suggesting we hang out with a dead body again sometime?”

“Well, my grandmother isn’t long for this world, hopefully.”

“What a terrible thing to say! Chiyo-baa-sama is a legend.”

“Legends are necessarily dead.”

“She can’t be so bad.”

Sasori fixed her with a condescending look. “She once dumped out all my good sake and replaced it with arsenic acid just to see if I would notice in time.”

“That is an egregious waste of fine sake.”

Sasori grinned. “I will save you a front-row seat at her funeral.”

“It’s a date, sir.”

A staffer announced that the viewing room was being opened up for everyone to pay their respects to Oonoki directly. His granddaughter, Kurotsuchi, would be giving a eulogy. 

Sakura made to follow the flow of traffic, but Sasori caught her with his strings and pulled her close enough to murmur in her ear, “In that case, don’t be so formal with me, Sakura.”

The surprising heat in her eyes at his suggestion, the same as earlier this afternoon when he spoke to her so intimately, would be the inspiration he needed to sit through today’s rites. He parted from her to join the Suna delegation inside, feeling quite pleased with himself. 

Perhaps Chiyo would kindly consider choking on her favorite bean casserole in the service of her only grandson securing a date with the world’s greatest medical ninja. 

xxx

True love is grave-robbing a corpse together and then aggressively flirting over the dead body. I literally do not know how either of them could end up with anyone but each other. 

[msookyspooky]

Reuploaded:

Set Up Pt 1

She/Her YN x Billy & Stu. TW: MENTION OF ABUSE, GORE, ANGST.

Word Count: 2,834

The funeral was over the weekend. Two days ago to be exact. It felt like a bizarre dream. He had a close casket. It's not like his family had much of a choice. All eyes were on you, everyone constantly asking you how you were or giving you judgemental glares. You were the girlfriend of the victim. You should be so distraught that you can't even think straight. Sobbing, unable to eat, unable to go on or whatever. And yet, you weren't.

The school has been buzzing all day. First Casey and Steve; now your boyfriend James. All within a week. Principal Himbry announced there would be no school after tomorrow and everyone was either over the moon and playing this off like it was no big deal or completely terrified. You were the latter.

You were getting into your locker, ready to end the day when you saw your locker neighbors come by. 

 "Hey…" Sidney gave a soft smile and you forced a smile back that fell as quickly as it came.

"Hey, what's up? Sorry I didn't see you guys at lunch. I had mine outside." 

"Alone?" Tatum asked with a raised eyebrow and you simply nodded.

Sidney's gaze softened. "That's okay but you know you can talk to us whenever, right?" 

You nodded again, "Yeah, totally. I know you guys are always here for me." 

Tatum got into her locker before asking. "...I hate to be the hundredth person to probably ask you this today but how are you holding up?" 

You frowned and shrugged. "Not great."

Tatum cringed. "Yeah stupid question, I know. I mean, how the hell are you supposed to feel with your boyfriend being a victim? Seriously. We were shocked you even came to school today..." 

You put a book away and replied. "Yeah but I just don't want to be home alone with my thoughts. Besides, the police have already questioned me twice. As soon as I got here actually. Might be more questioning if I stayed home." 

Tatum scoffed, "Was it Dewey?" 

"No, the Detective." 

Sidney scrunched her brows. "Why? You already told them what they needed to know when it happened Thursday night just like the rest of us." 

Randy leaned against your locker. He showed up with Stu. Billy trailed behind them. He eyed Sidney but she looked away. You all complained about the tension in the group. Stu and Billy were friends, Tatum and Sidney were friends, Dating… It got complicated. 

After Billy was held for being a suspect in Casey's death and the phone calls; Sidney and him weren't speaking to each other. You didn't pry, just thinking it was some teen lovers quarrel that would be over within a few days.

"Must be looking at you as a suspect.  That's an interesting plot twist." Randy hummed.

Stu walked over and wrapped an arm around his girlfriend. "What's interesting, Ray?" 

"Nothing, just curious about why they're interrogating YN again. I mean, they aren't  gonna do that unless they have something to really worry about..." 

He stared at you and you glared at him back. "...What?" 

"Nothing...Just that you don't seem too upset." 

Sidney spoke up. "Randy, I'm sure YN is just trying to get through it all. She's processing her boyfriend's death for crying out loud." 

"Oh yeah? Then why not ask questions like who did it or why?"

"I..." You muttered, "I can't think of anyone that wanted him dead. But..." You trailed off. Subconsciously touching your neck.

Randy's gaze darted to your hand then back up to meet your eyes  "But someone who was hurt by him. A lot. Someone who wanted revenge or maybe self defense that got too carried away." 

You turned to him. "What are you trying to say?"  

"Connecting the dots. Or at least trying to." 

 Tatum rolled her eyes. "Oh god, here we go." She mumbled to herself and looked up at Stu who raised his brows up and down at her. She rolled her eyes at him as well..

Randy stared at you. "You're not too upset. You seem annoyed at all the questioning." 

"Wouldn't you be?" You scoffed.

"I mean sure but there isn't even a picture of him in your locker…" 

You glanced at it in response, it was filled with a picture of your pet and of your friends but nothing of your deceased boyfriend. 

Randy continued, "In fact, I didn't even see you cry at the funeral. You just stared at his closed casket with a vacant expression like Carrie White on prom night. " 

"Randy, people grieve differently." Sidney interjected.

"But your own boyfriend is murdered and you don't hardly react? That's not strange to anyone else?" 

"No stranger than you." Tatum mumbled as she put her books away and shut her locker. 

You sighed and gave him a pleading stare. "Randy, I am not in the mood for this." 

"I'm just ruling out suspects." 

Everyone cringed as you slammed your locker door shut. Releasing a humorless laugh and staring up at the ceiling before staring at him. "Ooohhh, so I'm a suspect now?" 

"I don't know for sure. Obviously! But someone is. It's someone at this school." 

"And what the hell makes you think it's me?" You sneered at him. 

Randy sighed. "...You're gonna make me say it, huh?" 

Billy gave him an intense glare. "Maybe that's a sign from the Universe to not say it? Ever think of that? Ever think, Randy?"

You noticed how he seemed extremely on edge today. Then again; everyone was.  His girlfriend wasn't speaking to him,  he was considered a suspect by police at least once already, and a murderer was on the loose. Who the hell wouldn't be?

 Randy hesitated but opened his mouth regardless. "Okay...Girlfriend was abused by the wrong side of the tracks asshole and got revenge. It's a trope. Or a lover got tired of the triangle..."  His eyes darted around to everyone around you as if he was looking for a specific guy.

 You let out a bark of laughter in anger and shock. "WOW, you have COMPLETELY lost your mind."

Tatum agreed. "God, do you hear yourself? You're accusing a victim's girlfriend of being a cheating slu...." She clamped her mouth shut as she saw Sidney frown. Billy raised his eyebrows in surprise and Stu clenched his teeth but had mild amusement in his eyes as he simply watched you all go back and forth. 

"Uh, I mean not like that but like...YN couldn't even hardly talk to us towards the end because of James. You actually think there was time for two boytoys?" She corrected.

"Okay, even a crush. A family member sick of him and his bullshit. Or YN..." Randy gave. 

Stu lost the humor in his gaze at that. "Hey man, he was a giant dick. There was probably a whole lot of people that had him on their shit list." 

"Not good enough. He had his face peeled off and his guts around his neck. That's as personal as it gets!" 

Sidney looked away with a nauseated face. Billy had his eyes on Randy the entire time.

You stared at Randy with wide eyes. "You actually think I would do that to my boyfriend?! Randy, I know you're obsessed with this but you're crossing a fucking line here." 

Randy threw up his hands. "I just know we are being picked off like flies! Casey and Steve last week. Now, James this week. Who knows who else is next!" 

You stared at him. "You do realize if I was the killer; you exposing me would be a death wish, right?" 

Randy pointed. "Ah, that's where you're wrong. If I showed up dead, you would out yourself as the killer." 

"Damn, guess I can't kill you till the climax. You know, the plot twist that exposes me as the killer ALL ALONG!" You mocked before flipping him off.

Stu snorted at that. Tatum looked annoyed and ready to lead you by the shoulders away from it all at any moment. Sidney seemed uncomfortable with the entire discussion and ready to leave as well. Billy just watched. His dark eyes boring into Randy.

Tatum mumbled. "Remind me why he's in the group again?" 

Stu smirked. "Free movies." 

"Hey, this is serious!" Randy exclaimed. "Three people dead in a little over a week. We're like sheep led to slaughter here and sending us home is even worse!  At least here we have numbers!  So excuse me for trying to figure out the killer before we're all dead." 

Tatum shook her head. "We are not being picked off one by one, you insensitive ass." 

"How is it insensitive to look at the girlfriend looking for an escape or revenge as a suspect? Or someone that likes her and is defending what's theirs. It's a classic! I just don't know the relation to Casey yet..." His eyes lit up. " Wait. Didn't she spread that rumor about you YN?" 

You ducked your head in embarrassment at the memory. 

Tatum scowled. "Casey was a bitch. It's hard to tell who wanted her dead other than half the school. Besides, she ran her mouth about everyone." 

"Randy, stop. I didn't kill my boyfriend, alright?" 

Randy pointed at you, his face lit up as the idea turned in his mind. "No, no. You're right! You couldn't have done it alone; you're not strong enough. But someone else could have. Someone close... A guy." 

Tatum scoffed. "Oh, here we go again. Sexist much?" 

Stu chewed a piece of gum obnoxiously and muttered. "Babe. We've been over this, girls just don't have the stomach for that." 

Randy snapped his finger to get everyone's attention. "Focus people! Someone's killing for YN or in relation." 

"Okay genius, who would that be?" Stu mocked. 

"I don't know...Someone that cared about YN." 

Tatum scoffed. "That could have been anyone. YN is a total sweetie." 

Stu smirked and added. "Yep, that's sweetcheeks. Anyone would kill the asshole that hurt this one."He pinched your cheek and you pushed his hand away, giving him a playful glare at the nickname he gave you.  He used it before even dating Tatum as a way to embarrass you and it stuck; whether you liked it or not

Billy eyed Stu, pushing his tongue inside his cheek. "Not everyone, Stu. Some people don't give a damn and mind their business." 

Randy shook his head. "Well someone made it their business. YN was clearly involved, even unintentionally." 

You released a long insufferable groan, practically begging him to just drop it. "Randy... Please. I can discuss these murders any other time but not when it's someone I cared about and my first day back to school." 

"...Did you really care about him?" 

 And just like that, he dropped the biggest bomb possible. You jerked your head back to his direction in shock at what he said. Your mouth hung open and you didn't know WHAT to say. You should.  You should have been crying. You should have been livid.

 But you weren't. You were speechless.  Cause deep down inside, you had to ask yourself that same question.

"Randy, what the hell?" Sidney groaned as she picked up her bag, ready to leave this entire exchange. 

 Randy got flustered as he tried defending his argument he knew went too far. "I'm just stating a very obvious question! He hurt you and was shitty! Did you really care about him or were you only with him because you had to be?" 

He received glares and threw his hands up. 

"Oh, so we can talk about Casey being gutted but not this? No one had a bigger connection to him than you, YN. He was strangled with his own intestines! Uh, coincidence? Or irony?" 

You looked away at the mental image burning in your mind. Randy had a tight lipped frown on his face as he gave you an earnest look. 

"Look...I'm sorry, YN. I know I'm coming off as a jerk. I don't want to think you did it but somehow you are involved even by association. If we figure it out; it could save you if you're not involved."

 You didn't look at him getting your bag and getting ready to bolt.

" Oh, come on!  I'm being the bad guy for wanting to connect dots and save lives here?

You snapped. "There are no fucking dots, Randy! Casey and her boyfriend were just another pair of classmates we barely talked to! James was my fucking boyfriend!" 

Stu scoffed. "Man, lay off would ya? He was just some random victim." 

 Randy was emotionally backed into a corner after speaking without thinking.  He was clearly growing frustrated with you all.  Tension in your friend group was thick anyways and this was making it 10 times worse.

"No he wasn't, can't you all see that?!" Randy exclaimed, "If YN wasn't sicking someone on him then anyone that cared seeing bruises the size of golfballs on her neck would have -" 

"HEY!" Billy released a yell that made you all jump.  You didn't think you ever saw him that mad or use that tone as he got up into Randy's face. "When are you going to take a fucking hint that YN doesn't want to talk about it and neither does anyone else?!"

 Randy swallowed hard. "...I'm just sayin-" 

 Billy grabbed Randy by his shirt as you heard Randy's head hit the locker. "You're always saying. When do you shut the fuck up? You're pointing an awful lot of fingers at other people.  How do we know you're not the one doing it?"  

"Billy, stop!" Sidney exclaimed as Stu got between them and tried discreetly breaking it up before Billy swung on Randy. 

Stu cringed at Billy with an anxious laugh. "Heh, Jeez! Down boy. No need to go all Rottweiler on him." 

 Billy backed away as he continued to glare at Randy who looked petrified.  You didn't understand why. Sure, Billy seemed pissed but they all grew up together.

 Did something happen or was there something you were missing?

 "You need to read the room, douchebag." Billy growled out. He glanced at you from the corner of his eye before looking away. 

Sidney replied, "You need to calm down, there's no reason-" 

Billy interrupted her, "I thought you weren't talking to me?" He scowled, "Let me guess.  Me sticking up for your friend Is just evidence I'm sick and probably the killer, right?" 

She scoffed as her voice rose in anger. "I would never say that!"

"But that's what you still think, isn't it? That I'm involved." 

Stu tried getting their attention by clearing his throat. His head jerked to the end of the hall with a tense expression. They all glanced to see Principal Himbry watching them like a hawk near his office door.

Billy licked his lips, staring intently back at Himbry before shaking his head. "I'm leaving before I get written up again...See ya YN. Stu...Sid." He frowned at the mention of her name before leaving. 

Sidney sighed, watching him leave with her own sad expression.

 All you could think of was; 'What the hell happened in the last 5 minutes to go south that badly???'

Stu waited till Himbry went back to his office before punching Randy's arm. "Nice going, dipshit." Stu mumbled.

Randy backed away from everyone and rubbed his arm. "What? Hey, how was it my fault? Did you see how he looked at me?! And sticking up for YN like that? It screams murdering psychopath!" 

Tatum groaned loudly. "Ooooohhh mmyyy gggoooddd. You don't know when to shut the hell up. Not everything is a damn horror movie, Randy." 

Stu mumbled. "Well...People are being killed. Someone's having a lot of fun doing it apparent-  OW!" She flicked him on the nose. He rubbed at it and you saw a giant bruise under his sleeve for a split second before he put his arm back down. 

Tatum lashed out at both of them.. "I swear, between you two space cadets; I don't know which is worse! Can't we go one day without hyper analyzing these murders? The fountain, lunch, video store. You think YN or Sidney want to constantly hear this shit?!" 

The air was awkward for a moment as the silence stretched out. You turned away from your friend group and lowered your head. 

"YN?" Sidney asked before you shook your head.

"I...I gotta go. I'll talk to you guys later." Your voice wavered as you hurried away from everyone down the hall. A few students looked at you as you passed. 

You specifically heard a guy whisper, "She got James killed. This town is filled with skanks." 

"She hangs out with Sidney PRESCOTT, what do you expect?" Another guy replied.

You ran down the hall after that. The walls felt too close, too many people, your head spun. You passed a newspaper article on the bulletin board.

"Local Woodsboro teen James Fedrick Davis was found mutilated in a field near his home. Suspected Homicide. Does Woodsboro have a serial killer?" 

[anonymous-dentist]

Okay, here’s a very tentative intro scene to SWAG:

First thing’s first: Spiderman is dead. He was lowered into the ground in a cheap plastic coffin half an hour ago. Closed casket, closed to the public. It was just Roier and Mariana and the rain.

“I can’t believe this,” Mariana says.

Roier nods solemnly. “He was so young.”

“Young and stupid.”

Roier placidly kicks Mariana in the shin; Mariana lets out a cry and hops back, glaring about as intimidatingly as a drowning, stupid little kitten.

“What the fuck?” Mariana demands.

“Don’t speak ill of the dead,” Roier responds. His voice is low, reverent. Unlike some people, he is here to honor the deceased.

“Oh my God.”

“Spiderman would want to be respected at his funeral.”

“Spiderman is dead. Who cares what he thinks?”

Roier kicks him again. This time, Mariana kicks back with enough force to send Roier tripping over himself backwards and over an old woman’s tombstone.

“What is wrong with you?” Roier shouts. He props himself up on his elbows and glowers. “A man is dead, Mariana!”

“Yeah? And do you want to join him, asshole?”

“Oh, that is it-”

Roier only manages to slip a little in the mud as he lunges forward to tackle Mariana to the ground.

Spiderman is dead, see, and his funeral was a somber affair. An anonymous donor had paid for it all; if it’s who Roier thinks it is, he almost wishes that he didn’t. There were eyes on the back of his neck throughout the entire service and up until the last shovel of dirt was placed upon the grave, and, if Roier thinks about it too hard, he can still feel them boring into his skull like drills.

But he doesn’t think about it. Instead, he slams Mariana’s skull into a tombstone and cackles as Mariana lets off a parade of curses that would leave his sponsors in shambles.

“Hey, man, what happened to being respectful?” Mariana exclaims.

And then he knees Roier so hard in the groin that Roier sees stars. He waves his future children goodbye and flops on top of Mariana with a groan, writhing on top of him like a snake.

Mariana, ever gracious, pushes him off and stands with a quiet grumble, words indiscernible muttered under his breath. Probably some insults. A remark, even, that would be interesting.

“Asshole,” Mariana spits. His rented suit is plastered to his body from the rain and it’s splattered in mud and speckled in grass. His forehead is bleeding, and his glasses are crooked.

Still, he crouches down to help Roier up, pulling him to his feet and then into a tight hug. Roier sinks into it hesitantly, still not entirely sure as to whether or not they’re still being watched (his Spidey Sense™ has been tingling for hours, but it does have a habit of getting danger confused with fear confused with hunger.)

He wraps his arms around Mariana’s chest with a sigh. “I can’t believe he’s dead.”

“I can.” Mariana softly says, right into Roier’s ear. “He was a bit of an idiot.”

“But!” Mariana continues, speeding right along in his speech before Roier can beat the shit out of him again. “But! It’s a shame he’s dead. He was a good guy while he lasted.”

“Damn right he was,” Roier grumbles.

“And I’m sure that he’s in a better place now.”

“Well, I’m not sure about tha-”

Mariana’s hug suddenly grows tight enough to crack Roier’s spine in places he didn’t even know existed.

“I am sure that he’s in a better place now,” Mariana repeats.

Roier rolls his eyes, but he wheezes out a, “No, yes, he is, he’s fine. I’m sure that Heaven is treating him nicely.”

“He’s probably in Hell.”

“I am going to fucking kill you!” Roier shouts. He wiggles futilely. “Put me down, you piece of shit, I’m going to fucking kill you!”

“You can fucking try!”

And, just like that, thunder claps overhead.

“See!” Roier cries. He manages to free an arm to point up at the sky. “He’s angry at you!”

“Spiderman does not care,” Mariana says. “So shut up and respect the dead, asshole.”

There’s teasing in his voice, but Roier can’t quite bring it in himself to care. Because, see, Spiderman is dead. Three months ago, the public watched as Spiderman fell off of the tallest building in Quesadilla City with a dog in his arms and a trail of blood in the air behind him, and Roier was the one to find his body.

Spiderman is dead, and Roier is at his funeral.

How’s that for fate?

Hi does anyone want to see the tentative introduction to Spiderman With a Gun?

[hotch-stufff]

Surprise, Surprise

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x F!reader

Warnings!: there are no warnings, im not telling you a single thing. It's a surprise. Just read and find out ;)

Also, as much as I love him, Jack does not exist in this story, wasn't really sure how to write him in.

Author's Note: I'm so sorry that I haven't written in a while, I have had no inspiration and my bf dumped me so... ya'know that was nice. Anyways, finally getting some inspo, hopefully I will be writing more. Hope you guys enjoy this one :) Also, the mood board is mine, but the images are all from pintrest.

Word count: 1.4 k words

This is an emotional roller coaster

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You couldn't breathe.

You couldn't move, or speak.

Your knees gave out as you fell to the floor, sobs racking your body.

You felt arms wrap around you, but it didn't help. You were suffocating. He was your air, and he had just been ripped from your lungs. 

He was gone, dead.

Your husband.

The love of your life.

Aaron Hotchner was dead

* * *

You don't remember anything after the doctor uttered those words. You don't remember Rossi picking you up and holding you. You don't remember the sad glances, the tears shed by your teammates. You don't remember the car ride to your now empty shared apartment. You don't remember lying down and sobbing into the pillow for hours.

No, you only remember the pain. The unbearable pain of loss.

He was gone. Really gone.

You cried and cried for hours on end. Until you had no tears left to shed. 

Then you just lied there, staring at the wall, gripping his favorite shirt in your arms, remembering every little moment with him.

And it hurt like hell just thinking of everything you did with him. The day you met. Your first kiss, your first date. The day he proposed. Your wedding. Every little thing. 

And you wouldn't be able to do anything else. You wouldn't have kids with him. You guys had just talked about having a baby just the other day. He wanted one so bad. 

You shouldn't have waited.

Because now, now he was gone.

* * *

The next few days were a blur. You found yourself with home-cooked meals overflowing your fridge. A team member at your house every night. But it was all a blur.

All meaningless without Aaron.

The funeral was coming up. You didn't make any arrangements, you asked Rossi if he could handle it and he quickly agreed. 

He had taken care of finding the casket, picking a place, and finding a burial site. Everything. 

The only thing you had asked for was a closed casket.

You couldn't handle looking at him.

* * *

On the day of the funeral, the girls all came over to help you get ready. 

"Alright y/n, do you have a dress?" Penny asked as she walked out of kitchen.

"In the closet." You croaked. Your voice being hoarse from the crying and lack of speaking for the past two weeks.

"Okay I'll grab that, and shoes. Jj is going to make you breakfast and Em is going to do your hair okay?" You gave her a sad smile and a small okay.

Penny quickly walked back your hallway as Em began pulling your hair back in a low ponytail. You felt the tears begin slipping down your face once again.

Jj saw as she walked back in the room with a bagel and coffee.

"Oh sweetheart." And the dam broke. They comforted you the best they could. But they couldn't even imagine what you were going through, because he was gone.

* * *

The funeral was a blur. It seemed like everything was these days. 

It was a beautiful service. You don't remember much. Lots of hugs and 'sorry for your loss's.

It had gone quickly, and soon you found yourself in Rossi's living room. Everyone but the team had left, you sat alone. The rest were in the kitchen cleaning up.

You didn't move from your spot, sipping your wine.

Everyone walked in, and found spots around you.

It was silent. Not a single word was spoken.

"I'm taking a leave of absence." You spoke.

6 pairs of eyes shot to you, but they couldn't say they were surprised.

"It's just too much. I'm not ready to come back." Your voice was quiet. Rossi was the first to say anything.

"Take all the time you need." 

* * *

And you did. You spent about 3 months in that apartment, alone and sad and heartbroken. 

But you realized that Aaron would never want you to live like this. And you really needed to be able to pay the bills.

So after those 3 months, you gave Rossi a call. He had become until chief since you had left, and he instantly accepted you back to the team.

You were slowly getting better. 

Each passing case a distraction. 

Each one fixing you just a bit more. 

Each one giving your life a purpose, a meaning again.

And you felt better. You stopped crying yourself to sleep. You stopped sitting in silence for hours on end. You stopped crying every time you thought about him.

But you still visited him every week. You still thought about him everyday. You still wore your wedding rings, refusing to take them off.

But you were better. 

* * *

A few more months went by and you started going out with the team again. You spent more time with them. Almost every weekend. And you were somewhat okay.

And it wasn't until about 8 months after his death did your world come to another crashing halt.

You had been called in to the BAU, not entirely sure why, but you came in none the less. 

You figured it was a case, but Jj hadn't specified on the phone, which was strange.

You had walked up to the conference room, and were surprised to see the whole team sitting there ready to go. 

"Hey guys, do we have a case?" You asked, but Jj sent you a sad look causing you to grow worried.

"Y/n, you should sit down for this." You had no idea what was going on. What on earth was happening. "Peter Raymond recently resurfaced, and was taken into custody this morning about an hour ago. He resisted arrest and pulled a gun on an officer. He was shot and killed." Your heart hammered in your chest. He was gone. The bastard who killed your husband was gone. Rossi stood walking towards Jj.

A pit grew in your stomach, there was more, something you didn't know.

"8 months ago I made a decision that greatly affected this team. Aaron Hotchner received substantial injuries from the wounds he endured, but his surgery was a success and he was airlifted to an unknown location. His identity was changed in order to keep him safe. But he is alive." 

You couldn't believe your ears. He was alive. Alive? 

Your eyes shot to the door and there he stood. 

Aaron Hotchner. 

You couldn't breathe. 

You couldn't move or speak. 

He was alive, you should be ecstatic.

But you only felt anger.

Your eyes shot to Rossi.

"How dare you." You whispered out, surprising the team. You weren't an angry person, you never yelled at your teammates. But you, you were seething. "How could you do that. You knew he was alive and yet you let me suffer. You watched as I cried day and night. You watched as I let myself go, as I lost myself." You shook your head in anger.

Aaron stepped forward reaching out for you, but you shook your head.

"Dont touch me. Don't fucking touch me." You felt the tears fall down your face. Again. "You left me. You're dead. You're gone. Y-you left." You were shaking and crying and once again Aaron reached out for you, but this time you let him.

He brought you into a crushing hug, holding you like you had begged to be held for months. 

He was here, really here. You could smell and feel and see him. He was really here.

"Y-you bastard. You left me." You whispered desperately as you cried into his shirt. 

The team was quick to disperse. They too were mad at Rossi, and they wanted to reunite with Hotch. But they left you be, at least for now.

Aaron pulled back slightly, looking down at you.

"Sweetheart I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have to. But he would have killed you and then he would have killed me." He had tears running down his face as well now. But you were so angry at him.

You pushed him away.

"I could have gone with you Aaron. You could have gone into witsec. You didn't need to fake your fucking death Aaron!" You yelled at him. you couldn't even believe you were eating this conversation.

"Y/n please, I'm so sorry." You were mad yeah, but you were so overwhelmingly relieved that it overpowered your anger. "I missed you sweetheart." He whispered out and you broke just a little bit more.

"You bastard. Y-you stupid man." You pulled him back to you and slammed your lips together. "You stupid, stupid man." You gasped out between kisses. 

"I know, I'm so sorry. I love you." He stated after you pulled away.

"I-I love you too." You were sobbing at this point.. "Don't ever do that to me again." He nodded, leaning in to kiss you again.

And you kissed your husband.

Because he wasn't gone. 

He was right here.

And god did it feel amazing to have him back

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Thanks for reading! Requests are still open, so ask away! Currently I'm only taking requests from my prompt list, which is right here! School is starting up soon though, so i may not be writing very often, but i will definitely try! Anyways, if you would like to read more of my work, here is my masterlist.