#oh my god I'm laughing so much
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Genius idea, I want the "spread your legs all over the town" on a t-shirt now !
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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thinking so much about horror and dust,,, gosh these SILLY goobers theyre so EYDAGHGGG!!!!! compliments to eachother,,,,,
i need them to make puns about topics that absolutely nobody should be laughing about and then DIE cackling because no waaay the punchline was a human's execution :333 (phantom papyrus is shaking his head in dismay)
need them to share stories about shitty experiences with humans and for horror to be impressed by dust's ability to keep coming up with new ways to kill his human and then for dust to also be impressed by horror's ability to handle with all different types of humans!!!
they make eachother food but dust poisoned horror's food and horror added rusted nails to his so theyre just like no you first you really should eat first i wouldn't wanna be rude no but i INSIST! they both know. it's a fun little game isnt it??? horror gets a bit scared of having to eat the food when dust's eyes turn red and cyan but it's okay because then he can just shove the shitty eggs he made into those eyes because theres literal NAILS cooked into it
sometimes they fight because thats normal and dust is annoyed at horror for hating undyne because she's a good person who just wanted to help others and horror's getting pissed because DIDN'T YOU LITERALLY KILL HER DONT YOU JUST VIEW HER AS EXP WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING HER!!! and they bicker back and forth and dust is really starting to wonder why he even empathizes with horror atp.... but its ok after a little quarrel they simmer down and move on. they dont change opinions at all the fight was for nothing
but then there's also times when they just wanna confide in each other because likeeeee theyre both shitty people who fucked up their undergrounds by their own accords and miss how peaceful life was back then. dust tells horror stories of life back before the human came because horror doesn't really remember it that well anymore and horror speaks to phantom papyrus through dust so he can pretend that this is just a conversation between sans and papyrus and everything's okay for just a moment. they both linger onto their memories of how things were before everything went to shit even though horror can barely remember and dust hates his previous self back then,,,,,
dust thinks horror's sooo much better than him for not literally mass murdering everyone but then goes around and stink eyes him for forcing his snowdin to eat humans and then leave the rest of the underground to starve. WHY DIDN'T YOU DO BETTER HORROR WHY DIDN'T HELP EVERYONE ELSE. horror scoffs because even though he kinda lowkey gets dust's philosophy of saving everyone and stopping the human through gaining LV he still killed everyone??? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO THEM YOU IDIOT SHOULD'VE JUST FOUND ANOTHER WAY OR LET IT HAPPEN!!! the way they understand eachother on paper but then in reality despise what the other did,,,,,
ok SO WHAT if they encourage eachother's delusions. SO WHAT if they pretend the past never went away so WHAAAAT!!! it doesn't matter at least they found someone who can match their freak,,,,,, dust and horror peak duo PEAK DUO DARE I SAY OK
#i held a gun to my head to prevent myself from typing horrordust in this#this isnt HORRORDUST as in like. idk HORRORDUST horrordust. likeeeee#this could be romantic this could be platonic this could even just be them hating on eachother. whatever the fuck they got going on???? idk#i saw calvateyla say on twitter that since dust remembers his humans number#he'd spam them with posts on the undernet basically bragging to their face#and i was like OH SHIIIIT YOU PETTY ASS BITCH!!!! it reminds me of horror's hint system and psychological quips#GOD these 2 have so much potential outside of just the usual dust bunny and bear horror dynamic#guys please guys please. horrordust is peak guys please PLEASE EXPERIMENT WITH THEM#i really like the first little thing about the pun. i can imagine my designs of dust and horror laughing it up because of that#AND THEN HER HEAD GOT CUT OFF! cue horror dying and dust wheezing and then he chokes on sone dust and phantom papyrus is just like smh#and this is all just by horror's sentry station and its damp and dreary and god it sucks. this moment doesnt make it better#but at least they have shitty puns.... at least. my pun loving fucks#triglycercule NOT shoving killer into this??? blasphemous i need to find a way to force him into these hcs#well it's kinda hard considering a lot of these are them bonding over their previous identity as sabs#and killer doesnt WANT to be sans!! he's NOT SANS BRO. and i dont think he would consider them sans either#no matter HOW CLOSE dust looks to being him no matter HOW SIMILAR horror's speech patterns are THEYRE NOT SANS#that clean consise answer with no nuance is surely better than just him ignoring the issue of if theyre sans or not#eitherway killer struggles since the 2 are so open to being sans it's almost like theyre ruining the CONCEPT of sans#sans is supposed to make puns but should they be puns about the death of humans??? HELP???? killer's crashing out#everyday i discover a new aspect of the murder time trio and i wonder why none else do. someone geek out with me bro#i need to hold back my thoughts about dust and horror corrupting the idea of sans bc i have another post#where that little ramble would be more appropriate. i'm horrordust maxxing bro. i'm hrdtpilled#THREE posts this week about horrordust..... whaaaat the helllllllll..........#AND a mini comic about them i never posted AND art of then wearing weird clothes??? this is my horrordust week bro#tricule hc#horror sans#dust sans#murder time trio#utmv#sans au
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when life... just... yeah.
#I've been crying tears of laughter with this#I'd seen Harry's pic hours ago but idk it hit me just now that I was scrolling#And saw my pfp and I can't stop laughing#Hajshahshhshahaa#nobody will find this as funny as i did i'm so easily amused my god hahshahhsjhashahshs#I love parallels of them so much#The fence#The cigarette and the bottle (I'd if it's a water bottle shut up it's the aesthetic of it all)#The sitting like life is just shit#Life is just shit sometimes it's true#And both pics in italy#I'm just... Hajdhahshshshahshahhahaahahshahah#Oh. And also...#They kiss#And stuff
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I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE!
#I DON'T HAVE TO LIE ANYMORE ABOUT ANYTHING#IT DOESN'T HAVE TO OVERRIDE ALL OTHER PROGRAMMING EVER AGAIN#HA#MY GOD THAT FEELS LIKE TWO DECADES OF RELIEF#and I found out yesterday. that this year. next winter. it IS two decades. exactly. this is the year. every day i am shown new reminders#that keep me going in my mission to relearn to fully and instinctually trust my self#ever since [redacted therapist] asked me point blank and my IMMEDIATE response was complete disbelief#a firm 'you think there's any universe where i'd feel like i could trust myself? after my nonstop history of failures and being horrible?'#tone “No!” of disbelief#and a horrible way-too-harsh laugh that bolted out before I could strangle it off and stop it.#that woman never coddled my feelings any time I spoke something alarming or bullshit and that was so helpful to me#and the tone she let exist in her voice when she responded to me with a very uncharacteristic “Oh Katie.”#was so. so much more agonizing for me. than her responding with an immediate logical slam-dunk of the truth about healthy behavior and stuf#anyway ramble over i'm so tired. i've done so much trauma work this week i am Drained emotionally#now i see what the past several months but especially especially#the baffling (to me) infuriating out-of-control-speedrun-somatic-processing + every-health-condition-flaring slog that December and January#were for me when I hadn't expected anything to be wrong#...and the extremely specific way this certain zone and particular incident kept coming up over and over and over and over and OVER was not#a bug. it was a feature. thank goodness i trust myself for little things now bc that's the only way i was able to get to this other side#and look back and suddenly realize that my subconscious and body knew what they needed and had a plan in progress the whole time. just like#i rationally say I trust them to have and do.#and that perhaps maybe. for real for real instead of just TELLING myself hard enough a lie that i trust my self and i trust my body and tha#they always know their own needs and timing if really slow down and listen to them f u l l y#anyway. yeah. bye haha i need to stop oversharing on the internet#trauma evolution#shh katie#personal#my god. i wished for this day more than i wished for anything else my whole life. all these many many many many years. what magic.#add to journal#abuse
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In my defence, what was I supposed to do? Leave their corpses to rot?
#y'know sometimes people (often my sister) tells me i do the most unhinged or questionable things#in hindsight i suppose lugging corpses back into my bed just because i grew attached is counted as an example of that#(sorry to the lae'bae for getting dragged into my durge's complicated history and mental issues jrkeljrwl)#also hilariously... the blood on the floor is still very much wet and makes puddles when i walk... sceleritas has been dead for days#baldur's gate series#baldur's gate 3#emmodii rambles#i guess that might be a new tag now because twitter's less fun for rambling these days pfffft#bg3 oc#bg3 tav#the dark urge#should i tag that? i have no idea. because he is and also- sceleritas is there.#sceleritas fel#enver gortash#corpses cw#blood cw#I GUESS???????#listen idk how to tag#beejee3 au zeli'tael#i'll tag my character's name though why not.#...do i dare tag durgetash and goretash rjekwlrjelkwrw#hell would this also count as durgeritas. i GUESS SO- even tho i'm more into durgetash hAHAHAa-#oh god i need help ejfwklrjekwl#LISTEN I DIDNT WANT TO KILL ENVER BUT THE GAME COUNTED HIM AS DEAD EVEN THO I KNOCKED HIM OUT#and you can't pick up a body unless they're dead so#saaaaad ;( it's okay. maybe we can taxidermise them. LAUGHS.#emmodii plays bg3
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I will never forgive the people who went after teenagers for going by Arson. It's a genuinely cool name fuck you, just admit you're allergic to teens having fun with self expression (or teens having fun at all) and stop trying to make it a morality issue
#'it's a crime!!! you can't name yourself after a crime!!!' me and my homies tax evasion and vehicular manslaughter laughing so hard rn/j#you have to be a massive snowflake if you piss yourself over someone's name bro#and I'm not even fond of calling people snowflakes but when someone's self expression upsets you that much it's just... come on man#I never once looked at the tiktok teens with their edgy appearances named Arson and thought 'oh my god they wanna be quirky so bad'#or 'I'm gonna scream at this literal child because I think they're cringe'#says a lot more about the person going after a self expressing teenager than the 15 year old named Arson tbh#even if the bully is a teenager themself#also the Arson bunnyhat kids were cool as hell. they inspired me to experiment more with my own fashion as a teen#never forgive and never forget how people went after tiktok alternative kids just because it was a 'trend'#emo and scene were 'trendy' at one point. does that discredit THAT alt subculture as well? fuck no#transgender#self expression#alternative
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I'm like oh I don't know if I should post pics from last night on Tumblr....fuck it, you guys are my weird little internet friends and it's not like I have put my face up here before.
Last night I went to the Cure show in Houston. Very happy with my outfit. The dress I made from a vintage 1960 pattern and Halloween skull floral fabric.
Our seats were Great, worth all the many, many pennies. This was my 7th Cure show, best seats I've ever had dead center 16th row.
They sounded great, better than last tour, great energy, though the show was a little shorter than their typical marathon length show. (2hr 40 minutes rather than 3+hrs, but we're all getting older)
There's something so damn magical, healing, and spiritual about singing along at the top of your lungs to your favorite band, along with thousands of other people singing along at the top of their lungs. Like so many people around me were there for their favorite band too. The lady next to me was like almost in tears when they started.
Worth every penny and also the fact I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat today. I could barely walk out of the arena after how much I danced, despite, yanno my infirmities.
Anyway, if I have a message to send it's spend money on experiences, don't miss out on things you love, life is for living.
#irl#the cure#i can only include one video so you get the coolest from Burn#also mr rings laughed at how much i stressed on my outfit#but if i am going somewhere people will give me tons of compliments on myclothes#especially when im going to Goth Prom#first of all I was trying all day to get this to post to tumblr#secondly god tumblr really does eat quality huh#oh well it is what it is I'm not spending another twelve hours waiting to see if a post goes through
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Uhhhh sure Aloysius interpretation post why not
So Aloysius is a hilarious character to me, the guy's just a plain jerk with no redeeming qualities whatsoever (even Fassad loved his mouse and had a family that cared about him) And then after being an awful guy for the entire game he just ends up completely bankrupt sobbing in a bar about his misfortunes while his wife is cozying up to Mr. Prettyman back at home
So whenever he gets involved in any of my musings I'm pretty much invariably expanding on this and using him as a punching bag (literally so in one of my last posts)
So, basically, Aloysius is a big, insecure loser He's always been this whiny doofus desperate for respect and wealth, but not being able to get it He and Lardna were probably, like, high school or college "sweethearts," meaning he was obsessed with her (popular rich girl that would instantly raise him to the popular circle) and she liked the way he would do literally anything she asked him to with no self-respect whatsoever
Predictably enough, their marriage wasn't particularly cozy Just ended up together largely because it's the expected course for straight couples and they had to keep their respectable image Had kids because that's the next step that comes with that.
(I made this stupid thing for Valentine's Day this year, guess posting it here works)
And so the Minch family begins, and Aloysius becomes increasingly more frustrated with the lack of respect he's earned in life His kids are ungrateful drains on his wallet that don't listen to him unless he raises his fist at them His wife never paid him any mind before of course, but they were a husband and wife now and she should be obeying him like a proper spouse, right? r-right, honey? But she seemed even less interested in him than she ever had before, and now even seemed like she resented him for tying her to this family. When all he's ever tried to do is make her happy! The nerve! And none of his neighbors respected him, despite being one of the richest and most traditional families in town. Heck, he even tried to buy the next-door neighbor's gratitude with a loan, but now whenever he brings it up that idiot father just laughs and slaps him on the back like they're pals or something!
So yeah, lots of tension around the Minch household. Aloysius feels completely spiteful about how he perceives his status, and is desperate to have someone below him on the social ladder that he can push around - this usually ends up being his children, because he's a horrible human being
So this all changes when his son runs off one day
This is at first infuriating - oh yes, yes, I'm worried sick too, of course - until he gets a phone call from Porky. At first he starts screaming at him, until Porky tells him where he is and he falls completely silent. Porky's made it big. He's in the city now with one Mr. Geldegarde Monotoli, and the two of them are now the richest men in Eagleland. How'd you like to be our new business partner, Dad?
Aloysius drops everything and packs his bags with stars and dollar signs in his eyes, hightailing it to Fourside without even telling his wife or younger son. He's finally getting the life he deserves, and his old one can rot.
So Aloysius Minch is living it up, fawning over Porky and Monotoli and profiting off their success, living it up in absolute luxury and success without having to lift a finger himself
I have this WIP fic about Porky and Monotoli that Aloysius gets to have a role in, so I have a lot of super fun stuff with him here but I shouldn't get into all of it if I don't want it to be spoiled before I ever actually release it
Long story short, one day the Monotoli Corporation's stock plummets to the depths of Hades, no warning whatsoever Aloysius is woken out of one of his daily naps and nearly has a heart attack when he find out that all the riches he invested are completely gone
Immediately he flips out and starts looking for Porky to scream at him, but his son is nowhere to be found. He's fled to who-knows-where, and apparently had the foresight to liquidize all his riches before the crash He turns to shout at Monotoli instead who's now just as powerless and pathetic as he is, but (this is one of my fanfic ideas slipping through) Monotoli grows a spine for the first time in his life and throws Aloysius out
So Aloysius runs sobbing to the bar to drink his sorrows away, too ashamed to go home where his wife and that other kid are probably furious at him, and that's him at the end of the game
I think when he eventually does go back, she's probably hardly noticed how long he's been gone at all. Much to his displeasure, she's been having a positively lovely time with Mr. Prettyman. He's so good with money, do you know? And what about you? Did you bring anything back from your little trip?
Unsurprisingly they get a divorce not long after. Lardna gets practically everything, Aloysius moves into a waitwaitwaitwaitwait i was just gonna say an apartment but wouldn't it be funny if he moved into the seaside house in the game my god that'd be hilarious ahhhhhh and it could be Ness who sells it to him too holy fudge that's so good
So yeah, Aloysius is a pathetic jerk with insecurities that he takes out on his kids, and when he ends up burning bridges to go and short-sightedly chase his fortune, it completely crashes and burns and he ends up far lower than he was to begin with
#earthbound#mother series#aloysius minch#emilyramblings#emilyart#(if you dig for it)#god he's so fun to just point and laugh at#oh i've seen a bunch of fics where he and monotoli are a thing?#which like go for it#but man that's not something i ever would've come up with myself#i'm sure you can put like a repressed gay/bi spin on my interpretation here#but to me he's like the archetypal traditional white cishet jerk#a cartoonishly incompetent one#i wanna write more about his relationship with picky after the game (he does not have much of one with lardna)#but it's laaaaaate i will get into it tomorrow
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SKYE THE NOISES I JUST MADE WHEN I READ THIS!!!! this is a MASTERPIECE OH MY GOD I AM OBSESSED WITH THIS 😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😍😍😍
I love that it 100% makes me look like I'm some sort of conspiracy theorist when, in actuality, I am the only one who has seen the light and am only trying to tell the truth to the people who are willing to listen and want to sign up for my class!!!!
#THIS IS IT#THE BEST THING ON TUMBLER DOT COM#YOUR BIGGEST MASTERPIECE#EVERYONE ELSE CAN GO HOME!!!!#skye tag#skye's art#species shenanigans#ask#seriously i just laughed so loud apollo was appalled but oh my god i love this so much thank u skye#also ALL THE ANIMAL NAMES I'M STILL LAUGHING OMG#elephant ahahahahahah#and aardvark#i cant#😂😂😂😂
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gang you're not gonna believe what i just found looking through my google drive
#one piece#sanuso#ZERO recollection of writing this btw#im actually laughing so much because like. i cant believe i also had the idea for a sanuso bodyswap back in 2018.#wrote most of a fic about it.#and then COMPLETELY forgot about it until i discovered it just now when i wanted to properly organize my writing files#it was such a delight to find i just gotta give it a couple extra paragraphs on the ending to finish it#(and a few extra lines here and there to give a better visual) and im gonna post it here#ahhh oh my god this was nice#(disclaimer i was very much too lazy to edit this & there's probs hella mistakes but#i'm just keeping here as a reminder of how far i've come since then)#wait im making this a new post bc that'll be better for tagging purposes
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AITA?
emberkeelty submitted to caretaker-au:
https://fail-fandomanon.dreamwidth.org/514733.html?thread=3111697837#cmt3111697837 I don’t expect you to publish this but I thought you might enjoy seeing it and I can’t send links in asks. Anon-meme AITA-fic!
#caretaker au#chara dreemurr#asriel dreemurr#submission#emberkeelty#fanfic#lowercase love#aita#minty says#oh my god this made me laugh so much#what a great thing to come back to after so long#ember i'm so sorry we left this in the inbox for a lifetime#it's fantastic
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IN THE HEIGHTS countdown: 4 DAYS!
song for today:
it's hotter than the islands are today and mister softee's truck has broken down and here come all his customers my way i told you i run this town!
#song for today: piragua (reprise)#oh for the love of god i love piragua guy so much#and i know some of you are laughing rn (i am talking about you bel)#and what i absolutely love about the movie version is that lin is playing piragua guy and chris jackson is playing mr softee#how fucking iconic is that???#for those who don't know (everyone knows probably because i never shut up) lin and chris are my favourite duo ever#please just look at those two#usnavi and benny? iconic#hammy and washington? iconic#piragua guy and mr softee? iconic#LIN-MAN AND C-JACK??? fucking iconic bro#name more iconic duo I'LL WAIT#basically what i'm trying to say is that i am so excited i probably don't even make sense now so i'm very sorry#what even is this countdown i don't know anymore#it won't be long now*#Spotify
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jo the second he finds out masato's a little zesty
#not rgg#but if we try it can be#things kiryu would say if rgg allowed slurs#gona start a collection i got that kiryu You're Transgender? pic an now this#snap chats#i just needed an excuse to talk about this episode because HELP ME i didnt think this would be a theme in my fishermen jdrama#quick aside but its related the end theme for this show has literally no right to be so good oh my god.....#i'm gonna start episode 7 of First Penguin tomorrow probably since im gonna hang with my bro the rest of the night#but this episode (ep 6) is giving me a stroke#so for context. or just a lil background. tsutsumi's character in this is an old fisherman named hiro#and he's the most wish-washy bastard i ever seen in my life sometimes i want to strangle him#it's really funny though because he'll be so aggressive towards one thing but then the next after a lil convincing he's just Yeah Ok#funniest shit. anyways. Context Time#like ten minutes before this scene in the same episode he finds out his son's gay#WHICH. HAD ME IN A CHOKEHOLD CAUSE I DIDNT THINK THAT WOULD BE A THING#but anyway As Expected he has a fit over it because My Son This Is A Fisher Village Everyone Gonna Bully Your Ass#but then he talks with the female lead Iwasaki My Queen for like. five minutes and is pretty much over it a day later#and THEN THIS happens Another day later and. im sorry it had me laughing i dont know why#LIKE AGAIN IT'S BECAUSE HE'S SO WISHY WASHY BUT ALSO HE JUST STRAIGHT SOCKS A GUY#cause mate was saying slurs and all. his anti-homophobia arc we love to see it dude said Im No Longer Homophobic#ok bye we have pink pineapple and i wanna eat the pink fruit
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is Final Fantasy 8 still as maligned in the fandom as it was years ago? god, I hope not. I treated myself to the remastered version on the Switch earlier this week as a birthday gift for me (you are encouraged to read that in Kuzco's voice), and I've been having so much fun delving into it again. the Junction system is really really fun to play with, you can basically pick your own challenge level by deciding how much to level your characters (because enemies scale with you), Triple Triad SLAPS, so does the soundtrack, and the setting is soooooo cool??? I love the more modern and bright and colorful locations melded with magic, it's awesome to have monsters and magic spells while also traveling by train and car and people are using the internet and stuff. the cast is also really underrated, too, IMO. which is a post in itself.
it's just. genuinely really really good, IMO, and I hope it's getting more love nowadays. it's in my top three for sure, along with IX and VI.
#i'm also laughing my head off bc of that 'what would you get arrested for based on the game you're playing' post#because oh my god there is so much crime in this game.#and it fucks severely.#i've tried to kidnap a president#assaulted a major political figure#broke out of prison and stole cars#blew up a military facility#WHAT WILL I DO NEXT
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musings on insects, isolation, and how much can change when you're not looking
#i started this like a month ago#and finished it today because i was laughing at how much the sentence 'i'm going bug hunting with my partner' would kill pre-college me#but yeah. i'm still learning to accept that i'm not alone anymore.#learning to love insects was easy. it's a lot harder to learn to love myself#in the wise words of a fic my friend wrote: it sucks so bad sometimes. but even when it sucks it's better.#personal#insects#also all of the scenes in the middle two pages are specific memories that have contributed the most to why neither of those things are true#1. meeting my partner in an entomology class i took on a whim#2. the fateful 8 hour dnd conversation on a field trip for that class that started our friendship#3. trip to a museum (i also could have drawn the part of that trup where i got to hold a cockroach but i don't have a picture of it)#(and i really like that picture of her)#4. seeing a cockroach on the way to class and both of us yelling 'oh my god a little guy!'#5. working at an insect collection together (oh god the things our boss has probably heard)#6. seeing a boxelder bug on the way to see a movie together (we always saw insects when we spent time together)#7. seeing fireflies for the first time when i visited her over the summer :D
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