#oh i see how it is fuck you anxiety
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i just wna write wtvr rn T_T
#🌙.vents#yk. writing even just abt wtvr takes my mind off a lot of things n simultaneously also uses up a lot of time#n it's exactly what i need rn. a distraction#nah i shld finish this assignment but i'm hfksjfks all my energy left 💀#just want to listen to music close my eyes n just. think of my wol n ocs#yk the month. nearly ends. n#for the past few years i don't fucking know what is up w march 😭😭#yikes trying to think back n i really don't want to think abt anything in 2020.#esp the.. no i swear i've been over it for so long but the trust issues man they're still here they haven't entirely left#oh i see how it is fuck you anxiety#oh no. i really hate this feeling so much#take me back to the excitement i felt when we finally bought ffxiv#take me back to when we cleared the whole of e12s tgther#take me back to that week when we talked every day n.. hfksjfks i still rmb you talking abt ucob :c#i miss their voices. the way they'd say my name. n the lil banter in the static#i miss going through shb n stb for the first time#i want to feel it again#when i first went to terncliff. the wonder i felt. such a lovely place.#each time i cried w haurchefant n emet-selch n#me smiling so much wnvr aymeric was there n then#i still rmb exactly how it felt when i was tearing up bcs of alphinaud in eulmore n. i was so very proud#alphinaud's so dear to me. his development n his character n him w his ideals n stuff is. i just. idk can relate a lot#n then drk yk i knew a lot of the quotes before finishing the quest but#i didn't know where or when it wld be so#'we are the stories we tell ourselves' that gave me so much comfort#not kidding when i started out ffxiv it was in a time i cld barely let myself cry but#ffxiv makes it so easy for me that's why i cried sm w the end of arr n heading to ishgard bcs that was hflsjfks 🥹#'i dont want the future. i just want to stay here..' or smth. rinoaaaaa hflsjfjsjfjs#need to play ffix n 7r again n.. sorry. sorry fuck#please. please just let time stop. i think too much n i wish i cld just have some more time
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marinette almost getting akumatized into a motherfucker named PANIC physically pains me. oh my god it hurts. like i’m literally going to write a whole essay on it painful. like i can’t stop thinking about it. it’s just so important to me? it’s so real? i don’t know too many words so little brain. something something seeing one of my favorite characters reflect those same terrifying, uncontrollable, and overwhelming moments of just fear it just. i don’t know. it makes me feel so small yet seen? like yeah i have this panic but so do so many others? GOD I DONT KNOW I NEED TO WRITE THIS OUT
#carpetbug talks#akumanette#panic#as someone with bad anxiety#and panic attacks that literally make me forget how to breathe#it’s just so so sooo good#literally can’t put it into better words#literally while watching that episode i freaked the hell out#like ogh. okay. no i’m totally fine. just marinette being named panic. just fucking panic#that is. just so oh my godddddd to me#AND THEN WE NEVER GOT TO SEE BER? IM SUING??#headcanon that she doesn’t speak bc if ur able to like make actual words while having a panic attack i am so jealous of you#shit man maybe i need to draw and or write some akumanette!panic shit
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it's actually so fascinating to me that Brennan has created a character that maintains a pretty relaxed and mild-mannered demeanor and has said multiple times that the absolute Core of her is "FEAR" and how often we see this Fear manifest specifically in Avoidance; it really nails a relationship to that mentality where your brain fully Stops recognizing the emotion properly out of like, sheer self-defense from the stress of having to carry it all the time
I think this is also perfectly showcased in the way we tend to see Tula swing so suddenly from 'level and steady' to 'snarling Panic' and then back again - Just because your brain has detached itself from the Conscious Recognition of the emotion doesn't mean it can Actually stop itself from experiencing it. So the Fear is always there and always acting as a stressor, but because of that inability to Identify it there's no way to recognize or address it before that final straw hits and your bodymind jumps Straight into Full Meltdown Mode; but then once again, once you drop even a Little bit below that Peak Terror your brain ceases to process the emotion; it's like the most exhausting form of Poor Object Permanence in the world
And even if Tula is aware of this happening to her, that doesn't really make it any easier to deal with / address. Even if you're able to spot the symptoms Around the emotion -- chest pain, irritation, nausea, whatever -- because the Emotion Itself is basically impossible to find, you can't really Successfully Pin Down what the problem is OR a way to cope with it. If you can't figure out That You Are Anxious, then figuring out What Is Making You Anxious is impossible, which makes Find A Way To Make Peace With That incomprehensible. That's where the Avoidance comes in: you can no longer identify what might be a Dangerous Situation, which means that Anything New has a big potential to be Really Bad in a variety of ways (ranging "I don't Feel Good" to "Fully Lashing Out bc you've entered Fight/Flight and can't get out of it" to "Actual Outside Danger This Time") and that means the Only Way you know how to be Safe is to just Avoid Doing Anything New and Only stick to Familiar Situations, because anything unfamiliar is a monster of a gamble you don't know how to prepare for or cope with
#N posts stuff#one could argue ‘we see tula worry a lot tho’ but that’s bc Worry is an Action that can occur Separately from Recognizing Anxiety#now that I know tumblr will put a hard cap on your tags w/o telling you i'm resigning myself to posting rambling meta in post body#but i'm not happy about it; anyway i love how often life is full of Coincidences bc this is something I've Finally identified in myself#like. This Month. like this is brand new articulation for some of the problems i have in life; again knowing this doesn't help lmao#bc even when you know to look Around the shape of the emotion - like 'oh my face is Snarling rn. i'm probably experiencing Something'#like i said bc you don't know What that something is OR What might have caused it then the only solution you Ever get to come up with#is just 'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else' which INVARIABLY means that you will wind up in that same situation again#and Still have no idea how to handle it bc you never could figure out what caused it so you don't know how to handle it any better than#'fully retreat and go calm down somewhere else'; so 'be somewhere else' is the ONLY way you can ever think to Help it#which usually invariably turns into 'Just Avoid Fucking Everything just in case'; which doesn't work! bc life doesn't let you do that#so then it's just a cycle of falling into the same pitfalls and feeling miserable all the time; gotta love it :)#if you're like me this also gives you Bad Bad Bad Memory bc your brain will Promptly hide evidence of Scary Situation instinctively#like 3 weeks ago this dude ran a red light and almost t-boned me Full Speed & managed to stop like. maybe 3 feet away.#and i like. Startled Laughed and said 'that was scary' and then within 30 seconds i had Fully Forgotten it happened & only remembered#like 2 days ago. Ha! believe it or not this Does Not Help with 'How can I Address the Problem instead of Avoiding It Entirely?'#dimension 20#d20: stupendous stoats#tula#d20lb
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hey i wanna say something that i truly feel from the bottom of my heart.
no matter what happens
i fucking hate usamerican politics. i hate having to existential dread over a country i dont even live in.
#thoughts#im sorry but its true#yes ik that youre all stressed too/ How Do You Think We Feel#but like#i dont see any of you getting twists in your stomachs over canadian elections like we have to be over yours#like i care abt you guys and want the best for you all and im sad when things dont go so well#but i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant do this#i suppose that this is the price of being on an american centralized server and if i went on douyin or smth itd be different#but oh my god#i cant even do anything with secondhand anxiety rn and i!!!!! just wanna fucking sleep#drowned or stabbed i guess
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Reading about symptoms of social anxiety for reasons you don't need to know and
Analysis of your performance and identification of flaws in your interactions after a social situation
Refusing to believe this is an anxiety thing. You're telling me people dont see themselves fumbling situations in real time and in hindsight with the clarity of watching someone miss a bunch of notes in DDR ?
#whenever i talk its like parappa is fucking up#'wha OOP OOP you do UH OH Germananany' idk man im saying words i dont know what i mean#anyway this post is hashtag jokesies i dont trust the psychiatric institution and also dont think i have anxiety#but like. yknow. reading a few articles to see how hard it hits. and the answer is fuck alright yeah you got me#i perhaps asked myself if i should buy a kettle for my bedroom so i can make things in here without having to brave the kitchen
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linebeck is probably so god damn paranoid all of the time
#like not even just. oh he's probably an anxious guy. hes def at least jumpy and his way of living puts him at risk of monster attacks#hes got some other person on the sea just straight up gunning to kill him whenever she sees him#he probably spends a lot of time agonizing abt how he should act in front of people on islands and putting his stories in order#linebeck#phantom hourglass#he has a crate in his ship near the wheel that he uses to hide in he likely struggles with fighting hes completely alone#he clearly does all of his ship maintenance alone and knows how to do it- but he does all of it alone#you know he's got some serious anxiety problems at the least. no fucking wonder he looks so rough#i imagine he prefers people who help him feel at ease like people he could rely on to protect him and keep an eye out#having link around lets him relax for sure though i dont imagine his paranoia gets too much better#in post ph having something of a crew around is a big help to like. help him relax and deal with all of those other mental illnesses#i imagine linebeck is generally kind of nervous and needs a friend. like those cheetahs with support dogs#in the bellum x linebeck fic linebeck's paranoia and issues around being alone and at risk are p important?#linebeck finding out that bellum is following and protecting him gives him a fuckton of peace of mind#linebeck seems like hed really benefit from hanging out w/ someone who makes him feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable#hes likely introverted but god he needs a friend to keep him from being on edge all of the time#salty talks#hes probably a lil better on islands? or at least islands with people on them. at least then his ship is in less danger#i was just thinkin abt this recently. like the idea of a short fic abt him just being fucking paranoid pre-canon#like a scene of him mopping the deck and. thinking. and spiraling really easily and becoming paranoia very quickly#he has issues <3
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Did sleeping help
No </3
#vent#tsk. isn’t it like. if you hate everything then eat#if you think everyone hates you then sleep#if you hate yourself take a shower?#sooooooooo. uhhhhhhh. didnt. work?#hng. artfight... I was so excited I have so many ideas#but it’s like. everything is triggering me or making me upset or freaked out or sick. idk what to do#I go ‘oh lemme see what my friends have done so far’ and then I see an oc from someone not my friend anymore and I’m like. ougghhh#I feel like such a baby for caring. stupid for being upset still. it’s like it only mattered to me and no one else had to deal with such#crippling anxiety and stress because of it#everyone is getting so much done so fast and I STILL can’t submit the second thing I did. I’m going to lose my head or cry or both or die or#SOMETHING uhhhhhhggggggg and it’s like all my anxieties are circling back around cus it was this time last year shit hit the fan#I have college!! I have no clue what my plans are!! all I’m good for is making fake people and drawing said people!!#I’m such a fucking. stupid.. I wasn’t even supposed to take this last semester off. we just didn’t know what other classes to take or what#to focus on... I’ve been literally free all day every day since December and it’s like I’m STILL not doing anything worthwhile#mmm I’m so alone in this I can’t DEAL well I guess I’ve been ‘dealing’ but I don’t believe thinking about bad situations literally every day#since they’ve happened can be considered as ‘dealing’ with it. I doubt anyone else is thinking about it that hard but I can’t help it#I can’t do a complete cut off from the internet. my only friends are here! what then? then I’m just. some sad sack who doesn’t talk to#anyone? mmm this isn’t a good way to start the day but I can’t NOT think. it’s all I do. my brain is one of the things that makes be I can’t#self labotomize myself into being a chiller person without killing everything that makes me with it#ugh. I’m going to be stuck in this headspace forever. even with apologies and make ups or agreements to stay apart#I’ll still be the one dealing with the negatives and fallout from shitty situations. funny seeing as I still don’t understand how things#even escalated so fast. but whatever. I’m the bad wolf forever. can’t change that
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Then on my, private, untagged post:
Turning this shit into receipts because I swear I was too kind and lenient to someone whose only goal is to misunderstand, poke and coax until I lose my patience or god forbid word something a little too ambiguously so that she can interpret it as lesbophobia, eugenicism or what have you.
Fucking tired.
"Eugenic politics" clarification because she insisted on picking on that too. I'm using Nürenberg laws (1930s germany) as my basis for eugenic politics.
#yes I know it's bad form to reveal their username but I honestly cant be bothered#you can see how I progressively lose my sanity and formality as this goes on.#can't believe they coaxed me into calling them an illiterate fuck hahaha#they deserved it but oh my god I held out so long trying to give them the benefit of good faith.#receipts#and if anyone needs clarification on mentally chonically ill nonwhite#i have cystic fibrosis and generalized anxiety disorder#my skin is fair and I'm under white in a brazilian census but I'm nevertheless latina and mixed#considering americans refuse to acknowledge latinos as white I believe latina was included in her definition of nonwhite
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wanna post a thingie I was working on but also still wanna be below the radar idk
#i hate that i have so much anxiety about sharing my work now#it really is like my comfort was taken from me yk#because now im not like oohhh can't wait to see what my friends think of it#im like oh god what if it makes someone find my blog and everything starts again will i ever be able to exist in peace here again#because i have so much anxiety about the fuckk off amount of people in that stupid fucking server who all hate my ass#not just that one but the other one where a whole ass fucking rule was made about not supporting me or dal like how insane are you people#so i have almost no joy now at the idea of posting my work which idk just really fucking sucks man#i even considered going by a different pseud as another layer of safety but i felt bad about potentially misleading people about who i am y#the end situation for me just feels like a lose/lose
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had a moment of whimsy followed by a moment of genuine irritation
#i went outside for 20 mins bc i felt like crawling out of my skin and thought swinging alone in the windy weather would maybe help me calm#down just a bit. like a little tiny bit#for the first 5 mins i felt like my heart would burst from the anxiety of being in my neighborhood and ppl seeing me through their windows#i get so weird about existing in public (has an anxiety disorder)#i started swinging aggressively and started calming down a bit#then this little kid got onto the swing next to me and his dad started pushing him#and i could hear the kid laughing through my headphones blasting music#i started smiling without realizing and then made eye contact w the kids dad while smiling 😭#and tjen i took off my headphones bc i felt obligated to say hello just to be polite idk!#and i was like aww how old is heee so cute#the kid was 5#and then the dad was like how about yourself? i went: im 20 haha#and he was like. Oh? i thought you were like 12 years old. 🤨#PLEASE?#and then i was like haha yeah! i get that a lot! (no i don't?)#im actually a uni student#and he asked me what i was studying so i said psych#and he was like yeah youll need a masters there arent any jobs in that with just a bachelor's#and i was like I know right! ill probably get a PhD haha the job market is so horrible!#and then he was like so you live at home? and i was like yeah its so much cheaper!#and then awkward silence i said nice to meet u and got the fuck out of there#like why did he have to tell me i needed a masters Bitch I KNOWWWWWWWWWWWW my life is already falling apart dont remidn em 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it was way more wholesome when i jjst smiled silently at him and his cute ass chuld#z.post
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.
#ramblings#google search how to not be a self sabotaging fucking moron#my mum just asked me . several fucking times . if i wanted to see a doctor about my current uh#behaviour .#and i said no every single time what the fuck is wrong with me oh my god#im literally like at least 80% im depressed and im pretty sure i have anxiety or some shit but noooooooo#10/10 kai you fucking dipshit#and theres no way i'll bring it up on my own#and this isnt even the first time ive done this oh my god#vent
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Vent abt smth that gets on my Nerves
#tried bringing up to mom like. hey how could I bring up coming out to family. and she was like visibly uncomfortable so I was like dw I’m no#gonna like try to ruin Christmas with it or some shit I’m just. nervous u see. and I’m sat there anxiety rambling abt it because oh my god.#and she pulls out the fucking. ‘can’t you just be a person?’ mom I am a person already. the problem is. the PROBLEM IS. EVERYONE THINKS I AM#AND THUS TREATS ME AS A GIRL. like oh my god.#vent#it’s not a huge vent like if it comes up I’m not gonna Lie moms discomfort abt the matter be damned.#but like. ‘can’t you just be a person’ is what she says every fucking time it comes up. like mom. mother. mi madre. do you realize how much#of an insult that feels like when you say it EVERY TIME I bring up trans anxieties. or dysphoria. or any of the ways my transness affects my#life. like being trans doesn’t make me less of a person oh my god. but also frankly I don’t have the patience to be nice about getting into#things and I don’t have the heart to hurt her about it and even if I did have one of those I don’t have the patience to hold her hand#through all this shit. like I gave up having mom on this journey ages ago do you know how painful it is to un-give up on something that#immense. it’s hard and it hurts and it burns and it’s like. giving up to begin with didn’t hurt too bad- it’s cutting off the festering#wound. but. but then. you find out that. you can in fact work with that. and suddenly you have to try and clean the wound. care for it and#wrap it and do it all over again. and god it hurts. and. I’m not entirely sure I want to un-give up all the way on this? it’s. a lot#like I get and I appreciate that she’s trying to do. something. in theory at least. she avoids the subject when I bring it up and all but#cringed when I brought up coming out to her side of the family. she calls me my deadname and her daughter more than she did before she said#she would try. and I don’t have the energy to uncover that wound enough to start cleaning it. I’m just letting it sit there because frankly#it’ll be such a huge thing because it’s Always a huge thing when I don’t let the subject drop mega fast and I’m. I know she’s not gonna cut#me off for just being trans but GOD I want to keep ONE of my parents in my fucking life when I’m able to stand on my own two feet holy shit#and. man. it appears this is. still more of a thing than I thought it was. thats. annoying and inconvenient
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doctors be diagnosing me with problems.
#broken pencil#I started seeing a therapist last week for the first time ever. I think it's ok.#I'm currently changing my antidepressants to different ones. so I'm. In the fucking Trenches dude#I told my therapist my psychiatrist told me i “probably have ptsd” and then they were like how long ago did they diagnose you?#and i was just like oh god. Is that a diagnosis. Like i guess that makes sense. I just never know when a doctor is like#this might be you or I'm Telling you this is you#Told one doctor a dermatoligist suggested I have pcos and she was like yeah. Writes that down.#Theyre just SO BLUNT ABOUT IT#Told my psych about my extreme levels of anxiety and she was like “So when did the paranoia start?”#SORRY YOU JUST GRADUATED MY REGULAR ANXIETY TO PARANOIA? I HAVE PARANOIA?#🍳🍳🍳🤪 Me getting slapped over the head with obvious shit#Also when i saw my therapist and told them about my problems they were just like. So it's like that thing your parents did? LIKE YEAH.#I GUESS IT'S ALL LIKE THAT THING MY PARENTS DID AND IT'S BEEN THAT THE WHOLE TIME HUH.
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sometimes the queer girl to crunchy girl pipeline is so scary so unfortunate
#came across keara graves on instagram reels#i watched her on youtube years ago like when she first came out as bi#or they. idk they use both pronouns. anyway#theyre going on about how the pandemic was actually a fear epidemic and therapy + self help books helped cure her of her health anxiety#what about the pandemic part? lmfao#she doesnt seem very how do you call it. smart#the ppl that died? they were just too stressed!#oof#we are gonna stop giving her views now lmaooo#personal#u know if they call themselves a mindset spirituality podcaster you run#but i wanted to see their wife#but at what cost (covid denialism)#dangerous bullshit!!!!!!!#just bc u didnt die doesnt mean others didnt i just oh fuck this djsjdjsjd#oh my god she says she knows how to manifest and everything happens for a reason#she is so not my type of person#i forgot why i unsubbed from her youtube channel years ago! apparently this was why! lmao fuck off
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*puts a photo of me in between two random photos i took of the sky today, not because they go together whatsoever but simply so any poor soul that happens to scroll across this post won’t be jumpscared by one giant image of me taking up their entire dash* :)
also yes those are the Everything Stays shoes that i wear far too often and i thought about Moon and flustered my damn self when i was putting them on today and if you want to know why i thought of him specifically… well, you’re just gonna have to read Ch. 4 of ES when i post it on Thursday and you’ll find out 😊
#Seven.txt#my face#i love how i use the my face tag as my catch-all selfie tag and then. you can hardly even see my face in the pics#anyways. *wears my daycare fit to my root canal appointment bc i am a fucking clown for letting my tooth get this bad* 🙃#also it’s just very comfortable and i like it. but yeah! 4th dentist appt. out of 7 is done and dusted!!!#yes it’s 7 now instead of 6 because of course it is. of course it is.#it’s fine tho. i think today was the worst of it and it was overall a very fine time! i once again had no need for the sickening amounts#of anxiety that kicked my ass for the last two days prior to the appointment. as soon as i got settled in the chair that weird haze#of Calm washed over me and everything went well! but does my anxiety care about that? does it learn? no! never!#so i’m sure i’ll be sick with fear again the next three times as well but oh well. what can i do but suffer thru it#anyways if u wanna know what burning trees smell like and hear a disconcerting sizzling noise coming from ur mouth just get a root canal#it’s fun it’s a really great sensory experience (/i am Lying it is Not a fun sensory experience. take care of ur teeth and avoid the pain)#it’s lighthearted though it’s really not That bad. like i could tolerate it totally fine but it’s also not. fun. it’s just. Unplesant#anyways on another note i think i’m developing a crush on my dentist’s assistant lmao#like not Really but like also that’s not a complete joke. like. do u ever meet someone and just feel like you’d be friends#like it’s not something you’ll ever act on but you can’t ignore the feeling regardless?#it’s wild bc they look So fucking similar to someone i used to have a brief weird thing going with#like they both have such distinct eyes/facial features that i’ve never really seen on a lot of other people#and they compliment my hair and i compliment their tattoos and they tell me about the latest movies they’ve watched while i’m laying there#in the dentist chair for 50 minutes waiting for the dentist to finish with an unexpected drop-in patient#and they open the blinds to see what the deal is with the screaming old people outside the windows and they crack jokes and ramble about#their travel plans and they struggle to mix the temporary filling paste into the right consistency and they apologize for their handwriting#on the appointment cards they give me and i tell them it’s good handwriting and i mean it and Oh No i’m romanticizing my dentist visits.#aren’t i. lmao ANYWAYS i’m that dumbass that falls for every single person that is ever nice to me at all ever it’s fine i’m normal#the dentist delay was nbd btw i’m one of those freaks that actually enjoys waiting and also it was a bit of an emergency#for this mennonite mom and her son with an abscessed tooth so like who could be mad abt that#i’m never making another afternoon appt. again tho cause holy shit they get busy. i was in the waiting room for 30mins alone#1hr appt. turned into a 2.5hr appt. :) but it’s fine i just read fanfic on my phone to pass the time. and you’d think it was a dca fic#based on my clothes but no it was BG3 Astarion x Reader Hurt/Comfort bc i’ve latched onto a new blorbo this week and can’t get enough#so i’m obsessed with this traumatized vampire elf now but that’s a story for a different post’s tags
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i feel like i can only process one of my mental illnesses at a time which is fascinating! both because its wild when i get around to one i havent considered much/in a while and because its hilarious to realize how much i have just straight up not been noticing
#i speak#like holy shit#its the most obvious with social anxiety#which i forget i have#and am like 'ha i have bigger fish to fry'#but then im in a situation where i have to talk to a stranger and im like. oh fuck right. ok.#currently im noticing the tism. its.#mh.#sdfkgdjkgsdgd#its a lot?#its kind of like.#when i realized i had adhd it was such#a relief because it made SO many things make sense#but it was also like seeing a tidal wave coming at you#because you just kinda realize that like. life is not built for you#and people are Not always going to get it#and i have to figure out how to live now because living 'normally' isnt gonna cut it (and never was gonna)#and its the same with the autism#its like. realizing that im not just being ridiculous or whiny about everything#i have sensory issues!!!! and mask SO much!!!! and have issues with communication in a lot of ways#especially face to face WHICH was never a major issues with a lot of my closer friends#because we mainly talked over text where i didnt have to think about my affect or my facial expressions#its. hm. a little scary sdfgdskjgdfgsd#to realize how much youre going to have to ask for accomodations for#its not just me being whiny and unreasonable and not trying hard enough#its me Having Problems im not going be able to Just Get Over and. i need the people around me to be able to understand and want to work with#me on it?#and. for someone who was already a bit concerned about a small pool of options its. ksjdfgnkdsjgksgs not exactly encouraging.
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