#officially in my delusional era

[myrquez]

cant believe my delusional ass was the only one thriving while watching that bo-axe fight… tension was off the charts… they cannot tell me they haven’t been fucking at one point they were giving big petty exes energy

[grilledkatniss]

I still don't buy it.

It's just that I genuinely don't understand why either one of their teams would go out of their ways to tell ET that they've broken up, when they literally kept the start of their relationship hidden for months and then kept the rest of their almost 7 year relationship as low key as they could, barely allowing themselves to talk about each other on the record only to say they would rather not talk about their private lives to the media. Just to then say something so bland like "the relationship run its course."

And the "he didn't know this huge touring, hyper famous version of Taylor before" is bullshit, cause he was there for the entirety of rep era, including the stadium tour. Like that hyper famous workaholic, always with a new project, stirring rumors and planting easter eggs, sometimes super petty and resentful Taylor was the base game version he knew.

And if it was a PR stunt to draw attention to the tour, I don't think Taylor would've approved a move that was obviously gonna thrust her back into the "oh she's gonna write a hell of an album about this break up, who's she gonna date next, the man eater always bashing an ex" narrative.

It just makes no sense to me. Any of it.

[justagalwhowrites]

Halcyon - Ch. 12: It Doesn’t Need to Mean Anything

You and Joel take Sarah to the concert. A continuation of Halcyon from the prologue through Ch. 11, a modern no outbreak AU TLOU fic found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Joel and Goldie are still morons. Also... mild smut 🫠 Modern No Outbreak AU, No use of Y/N, Slow burn, 18+ only, Minors DNI

Length: 10.7K (no one look at me)

A/N: So much thanks to my beautiful bestie @dundienominee, official Swiftie Consultant for this chapter. She was integral to song selection and Eras Tour outfit choices because I am too casual of a fan to have the knowledge to do that well. Thank you thank you thank you for this and for always letting me bounce the angstiest shit off you, Bestie! Love you!!

AO3 | Main Master List | Prologue | Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

You stopped sleeping over at Joel’s. 

The distance took more adjustment than you’d expected and it wasn’t something either of you had explicitly stated, it just felt… necessary. You were getting too close to Joel - not something you would have even considered possible, once upon a time - and you needed to pull back before you ended up wounded and alone like you’d been more than a decade earlier. 

He began separating from you that night, when his hand was still holding your face and your body was still tight against his. You kissed him until he pulled away - not wanting it to end - and when he finally broke the kiss, your faces stayed close together for a moment, close enough that your noses touched and you could see the reflection from the sparks of the fireworks in his eyes. You could feel the rise and fall of his chest, the heat of his palm at the small of your back, the roughness of the callus under his fingers at the nape of your neck. If someone had asked you, in that moment, where you were, you couldn’t have told them. 

And then a gunshot cracked through the air, making the both of you jump and shock away from each other. 

“Fuckin’ assholes,” Joel snapped, looking around as though there was anyone else around you at the water’s edge to blame. “Shit’s dangerous and there are still idiots who decide to shoot guns in the air just because the goddamn calendar changed, fuckin’ morons…” 

There were a few feet between you now and you were suddenly very aware of the fact that you were in pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt and your nipples were pricked from the cold and the kiss and probably visible through the thin cotton. You crossed your arms over your chest, hoping Joel hadn’t noticed. 

“At least we’re in the middle of nowhere,” you said. “Less chance of the bullet falling on a person…” 

“Still,” he muttered, crossing his arms too. “Makes me nervous. Dumbasses like that should have their guns taken away, don’t act right…” 

You tightened your jaw but nodded, still watching him. 

“Sorry,” he said. You weren’t sure why. “We should probably get back inside, though. Gotta get the kid to bed, she’s cranky if she don’t get enough sleep….” 

“Can’t have a cranky Sarah,” you smiled a little. 

Joel looked at you for a moment and, for a delusional second, you half expected him to kiss you again. Then, he shoved his hands in the pockets of his flannel pants and rocked back on his heels once before starting up the hill toward the house. For the first few steps, he walked to the side almost as much as he did forward, until there was a good five feet between the two of you. You ignored the pang of hurt inside your chest and gave him a tight smile as he held the back door open for you, finding Tommy and Sarah on their feet and yelling at the TV as they raced in Mario Kart. 

He sat as far from you as he could at breakfast the next morning, taking the spot beside Sarah and across from Tommy at the kitchen table and pressing himself against the wall in the hallway when you ran into him there and needed past, making sure your body didn’t so much as brush against his the rest of the holiday weekend. 

When you went back to normal life, it reminded you of the few days after Joel had accidentally seen your shirtless selfie: radio silence. 

This time, you refused to crack first. If he regretting kissing you, that was on him. It wasn’t like you’d begged him to. Hell, you hadn’t even asked him to. He’d offered - after kissing you out of the blue just the day before no less - and now he couldn’t even look at you. Or text you, apparently. 

But you were starting to get a few steps beyond anxious when you still hadn’t heard from him by Friday afternoon. You hadn’t spent a weekend without Joel since you’d found each other again. You weren’t really sure what to do with yourself if you weren’t with Joel. Even though there was definitely a book you should be writing, doing that when you weren’t sure where you stood with your best friend seemed impossible. 

Still determined to not be the first one to reach out but not willing to face the prospect of being alone in your house with your cat - and with the temptation to call your almost ex-husband who actually had texted you since you’d last seen him - you got on Tinder. 

You swiped during a break between classes after triple checking that your age parameters wouldn’t catch any students, largely striking out until you found Stephen’s profile. He was a professor, too, but at Austin Community College. There was a picture of him in Napa Valley in his profile and one of him with a little girl (one he said was his niece) sitting on his shoulders. You smiled at that. You didn’t think you’d ever have children - though, really, you wanted some - but there was something about knowing a man was good with kids… 

You swiped right and got the alert that it was a match. He’d already swiped on you. Your heart sped up a little. Maybe you weren’t completely undatable, after all. 

Stephen messaged you just a few minutes later. 

Hi! How’s your Friday? 

You were working on typing a reply when another message popped up. 

Not to be a creep but… are you really who you say you are? 

You frowned at your phone for a moment. 

Hi back! It’s alright for the first Friday of a new semester. How about you? And yes, the last time I checked. Why?

It took him a little longer to respond that time. 

Let me know if I’m failing on the creep front but I may be what you call a fan. 

You laughed once. 

A fan? 

A fan. Your writing is brilliant, I can’t help it. 

Well, I have good editors. 

I’m sure you do but editors only get you so far. Trust me, I teach the intro English classes, I know. 

You laughed again and the two of you messaged back and forth until you had to go teach your last class of the day. When you finished, you checked your phone before leaving the lecture hall and there was a message waiting for you. 

I hope this isn’t too fast but can I take you out tomorrow? I’m sure you already have plans but on the off chance you don’t… 

You smiled. 

No plans that don’t involve my cat. What did you have in mind? 

Stephen, as it happened, had plenty in mind.

After getting a drink and chatting for a bit, he took you to salsa dancing night, something you’d never had thought to do yourself in a million years. The music was loud, the room was crowded and the energy of it all made your skin pebble as you smiled. 

“C’mon,” he held his hand out to you. “Let’s dance.” 

“Oh, no,” you waved him off. “I can’t.” 

“I’ll show you,” he smiled. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” 

He led you to a quiet corner of the dance floor and showed you the most basic steps and you let him guide you through it as you watched your feet and tried not to step on his toes. By the end, you were laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe and he was laughing, too, putting an arm around your shoulders and guiding you to a booth in the corner. 

Stephen got you a cocktail and settled in across from you, the two of you talking about the semester so far and books and your favorite places to travel. 

You were surprised to find that you were having… well, fun. You hadn’t really had fun out with someone who wasn’t Joel in so long the concept seemed almost foreign to you. And Stephen was smart, you had shared interests, he was sweet and funny and insightful. You liked him. 

But… he wasn’t Joel. 

That was the thought you were trying to shake when he left you alone at the table, excusing himself to the bathroom and to grab another round of drinks and you decided to check your phone. 

Gale had texted you, seeing if you wanted to get coffee. Like the last few texts he’d sent, you didn’t respond. You knew, if you did, you’d end up back in his bed and you’d never be able to move on from him, not really. Hell, you’d let yourself become the other woman while he carried on with your younger, prettier, thinner replacement, keeping her on his arm at every faculty event and book release he used to bring you to while fucking you on the side. A mistress to your own husband. Pathetic.

But the temptation to respond was still there. If there was one man besides Joel who’d been able to hold your attention, it was Gale. When you’d met him, you hadn’t been sure you’d ever recover from loving Joel. It seemed like he would be there, as some part of you, forever. And that was true, he never really left. It was more that you seemed to find room inside yourself to love someone who wasn’t Joel. You realized now that it hadn’t been able to love him as much as you did Joel - or even, really, in the same way - but you did love him. That, now that you were faced with the intensity of how Joel seemed to take hold of you, seemed miraculous. You didn’t expect to find that feeling again so easily.

You looked toward the bathrooms, where you knew Stephen had disappeared to. Stephen, the man who you had every reason to have feelings for, who had taken you out for a great date, who could be someone that could pull you out of this hideous pattern with Joel and Gale if you just gave him the chance. 

You sighed and closed your texts just as a new one came through, this one from Joel. 

Your heart stuttered. You hadn’t heard from him in so long that just seeing his name hit you hard. You glanced up. Stephen was just coming out of the men’s room and heading for the bar. 

You opened the text. 

This radio silence shit sucks. 

You scoffed a little. 

You started it. 

He responded immediately. 

You at home? Come over. Sarah’s about to go to bed, we can watch the next Curtis and Viper commentary in the marathon. 

Sorry, I can’t tonight. 

You looked up to the bar again, Stephen still waiting to talk to the bartender. By the time you looked back down at your phone, Joel had texted back. 

Why not? Puck will behave for a few hours, promise. 

You frowned. 

Believe it or not, I’m not home with my cat on a Saturday night. 

Bullshit.

Is not. I’m on a date, actually. I do have a life outside of you, you know. 

Stephen was just getting to the bar to order when your phone screen lit up, Joel sticking his tongue out at you taking over the whole of it as he called you. 

You sighed and answered it. 

“Hi.” 

“Who the fuck are you on a date with?” Joel demanded. “It had better not be fucking Brad…” 

“So good to hear from you,” you said. “How have you been for the past, I don’t know, WEEK.” 

“Five days. Answer the question, Goldie,” he said. “Are you out with your goddamn husband?” 

“No,” you rolled your eyes even though he couldn’t see you. “I’m out with a guy named Stephen, he’s very nice actually…” 

“Who the fuck is Stephen?” 

“I met him on Tinder, thank you very much,” you said. 

“What?” Joel said and you could picture him leaning forward on his couch, his elbow on his knee. “Wait, when? I didn’t vet some fucker named Stephen…” 

“You don’t get to vet people when you don’t talk to me for a week,” you hissed into the phone, glancing at the bar to see Stephen paying for the drinks. “Besides, I don’t need you to review my damn dates like some kind of baby sitter…” 

“Five days. And you have shit taste in men,” he cut you off. “So yeah, you do.” 

“Yeah, well, when you ghost me…” 

“I didn’t fuckin’ ghost you!” 

“When you GHOST me for a week…” 

“Five days!” 

“…you don’t get to judge me for my life choices!” 

“I didn’t ghost you,” he snapped. “I thought we could both use a little space…” 

“Uh huh.” 

“And I didn’t think you’d do something stupid when I left you unsupervised for 30 goddamn seconds!” 

“OK this isn’t stupid,” you said. “He’s a nice guy, he’s an English professor who likes wine and has actually asked me questions about myself…” 

“Look at you go.” 

“Fuck off,” you said, watching as Stephen headed back to the table with drinks. “He’s coming back, I have to go.” 

“No, hold on…” 

“Bye!” 

You hung up and slapped the phone face down on the table with a little too much force as Stephen smiled, setting your cocktail in front of you. 

“If that’s a friend calling to get you out of this, I promise I won’t give you a hard time,” he said, a slightly teasing edge to his voice. 

“No,” you laughed. “Well, I mean, it is a friend but no, not calling to get me out of it. Just a friend with a history of just the worst timing and a total inability to read the room.”

“She sounds great,” he laughed back. 

You didn’t correct him on the gender, instead just laughing with him and taking a sip of your drink.

The two of you closed the bar down and went to Waffle House after, sitting on opposite sides of the booth so you could stretch out and put your feet up as you pushed your syrup soaked chocolate chip waffle around on your plate. 

“So,” you said as you watched Stephen from across the table. “Not to put a damper on things but… I feel like you should know that I’m not looking for anything too serious right now…” 

“Oh,” Stephen frowned a little. “Can… Can I ask why?” 

“My life is kind of complicated at the moment?” You said it more like a question, as though the difficulties were somehow negotiable. “My divorce isn’t finalized yet, my sister is pregnant and I’m her only support system, I have a book deadline later this year…” I can’t stop thinking about kissing my best friend. You didn’t say that. “I don’t feel like I can really be a great partner to anyone right now. But I would like someone I can have fun with when I can? If you’re OK with that?” 

He nodded slowly, looking at his mug of coffee for a moment. 

“Do you know how long it’s going to be complicated?” He asked. “Just… Cards on the table, I already really like you. I don’t want to get in over my head here.” 

“Another few months at least,” you said. “But not forever. At least, I hope not forever.” 

He nodded again, turning his mug slowly on the table and you watched as the handle went back and forth. 

“I can handle a few months,” he said eventually, looking over at you. 

You smiled a little, wishing that him saying that made your heart pick up the way it did when Joel touched you. 

“Good,” you said. “Me too.” 

When the two of you left the restaurant, he went to kiss you goodbye but you dodged it, kissing him on the cheek instead. By the time you were home, you had a flurry of texts from Joel, the last one demanding to know when you made it home safely. 

I’m home, you control freak. 

It was so late you didn’t expect a response but one came through anyway as you stood at your bathroom sink taking off your makeup. 

Glad you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere. 

Why are you still up? Go to BED! 

I can’t sleep if I know you’re out there with some random! 

You rolled your eyes. 

Well now that you know no one has stuffed me in the trunk of their car… 

I’ll try to care less in the future. 

“Jesus,” you muttered to yourself as Joel texted again. 

Lunch tomorrow? 

Tomorrow Sunday or tomorrow Monday? You wrote. It’s after midnight.

Lunch Sunday, he said stop being a dick.

You laughed a little at that. At least things weren’t that different, even if you wished they were. 

Lunch the next day felt normal, even as Joel demanded to see Stephen’s Tinder profile and look at some of his messages. Most things went back to normal after that, too. Everything except for the sleepovers. 

But now that you were getting ready to leave for Dallas for the concert, you were nervous. You had one hotel room, a small suite the two of you had picked out together, one with two beds in the bedroom and a pull out sofa in the living room. When you were booking the trip, it made sense. Sarah could sleep in a bed with either of you or in the living room on her own and either way, you and Joel wouldn’t be beholden to the bedtime of an 11-year-old. It’s not like you needed space from each other then. 

Now, things felt different. It had been three months since you’d last shared a room with Joel. The casual intimacy that had existed between you had evaporated like mist and you wondered if it had always been a causal, ephemeral thing even when it had felt so grounding. 

At least, you thought, you’d have the separate beds. You’d booked the room before sharing a bed was quite so commonplace in your friendship. At least you wouldn’t need to be quite that close to him knowing how he felt about it. That was a comfort. 

And you were looking forward to some distance from your sister. Now that she was getting closer to her due date, you were together all the time. From lamaze classes to parenting seminars to going with her to AA and NA meetings as moral support, you were with Anna more now than you had been since the two of you were girls and it was summer vacation and you had nothing else to do. 

“I swear to God that one old mom thinks we’re a couple,” she snickered as the two of you got pancakes after a lamaze class one day. 

“What?” You gaped at her. “Ew!” 

“Oh, for sure,” she said, reaching over and stealing a piece of bacon off your plate. You glared at her and she shrugged. “What? I’m eating for two.” 

“Uh huh.” 

“But she definitely thinks we’re lesbians,” she continued. “She was giving me the stink eye before you came in today. I think she thinks you’re the scary one, by the way, because she definitely stopped when you got there.” 

“Jesus,” you shuddered. “Wrong on so many levels. One, you’re my baby sister and that’s just gross. Two, you are definitely the scary one.” 

“Oh, for sure,” Anna nodded seriously and then laughed. “Besides, if you were my girlfriend I definitely wouldn’t be letting you run off with some old flame for the weekend…” 

“Joel is not an old flame,” you rolled your eyes. 

“Sure,” she said in a teasing tone. “And Stephen is fine with this?” 

“Stephen doesn’t get a say in what I do,” you replied. “We’re just seeing each other now and then, he’s not my boyfriend.” 

“Whatever you say,” she said, giving you a look that you weren’t sure you wanted to deal with. 

You hadn’t told her about the kiss with Joel. You hadn’t told her about losing your virginity to Joel before you left for college, either. But somehow, she seemed to know. Your sister, for all the distance you’d forced and all the troubles she’d had, just knew. 

And that made you more nervous than you should have been for spending the weekend away. 

But you packed a bag - featuring a costume for the concert picked from your closet by Sarah - and headed for Joel’s, Puck in his little cat carrier on your passenger seat. 

“Aunt Goldie!” Sarah rocketed out of the house, her curls flying as she ran for your car. “It’s here! We’re really going!” 

“We are!” You said with a laugh, catching her as she threw herself at you. Joel followed behind her, getting your duffle from the back seat. 

“Did you remember your outfit?” She asked, pulling back and looking up at you with wide eyes. 

“I absolutely did,” you smiled at her before looking at her dad. “Hey Joel.” 

“Goldie,” he gave you a nod. “You ready for this?” 

“For a road trip with my favorite kid?” You asked. “Absolutely.” 

You got Puck settled at Joel’s - his neighbors, the Adlers, promising to look in on both cats while you were away - and got loaded into Joel’s truck, a bag of snacks and cooler of drinks sitting next to Sarah in the back seat. 

“We’re listening from the start of the discography,” she said, leaning forward and grabbing the input for her phone. “We need to make sure we know all the eras before we get there.” 

Joel looked like he was trying not to laugh. 

“Whatever you say, baby girl.” 

It was easy to fall into life with Sarah and Joel, even just for the few hours in the truck. Sarah dramatically performing into an imaginary microphone in the back seat, Joel reminding her to buckle back in every time she undid her seatbelt for a particularly big dance move. You stopped in West for pastries and chocolate milk and, by the time you pulled into the hotel on Friday evening, the three of you were a little hopped up on sugar and in desperate need of real food. 

“Oh this place is fancy,” Sarah said, a mocking and overwrought English accent on the last word as you looked around the lobby. 

“Well, needed a room with space for the three of us…” Joel said, voice trailing off as he looked for the check in counter before spotting it. “Don’t go wanderin’ off, alright? I’ll get us checked in, we can drop the bags and figure out something besides junk for dinner…” 

“But I like junk” Sarah said. 

“Yeah, I know you do,” he said before looking to you. “Keep her out of trouble, will you?” 

“Bold of you to assume she’d be the problem.” 

“Knew you’d be trouble,” he smirked a little before going to get in the check in line. 

You stuck close to Sarah, who was using the short wall of the lobby garden as a balance beam as she worked out the pent up energy from the hours spent in the car. 

“How many songs do you think she’ll sing?” Sarah asked after the spun on the end of the wall, her sneakers squeaking on the polished stone. 

“I dunno,” you said. “Probably a lot since the concert is a few hours long.” 

“I don’t want to see spoilers but my friends keep sending videos,” she said. “I haven’t watched any of them, I want to see it all in person.” 

She did a jump like she was imitating a gymnast, making you instinctively reach for her, trying to hide your hiss of fear as she landed smoothly on the narrow wall. She looked at your worried expression and laughed. 

“Please be careful,” you said as she started walking the wall again. “If you get yourself killed I’ll have to go through the hassle of selling these tickets online…” 

Sarah snorted. 

“You’d miss me,” she said, teasing. 

“That too,” you smiled a little before looking toward the check in counter. Joel was at the front now but he looked to be in deep conversation with the man behind the desk. You frowned. “Stay put, kiddo.” 

“Keep jumping on the wall, got it.” 

You shot Sarah a glare before heading for the desk. 

“No, that’s not going to work,” Joel was saying. “I booked the room I booked for a reason, I need two beds…” 

“I’m sorry, Mr. Miller,” the man said. “I’m afraid we’re completely full this weekend and this is the only room I can put you in…” 

“What’s happening?” You asked, eyebrows knitting together and looking between them. 

“They don’t have the room we picked,” Joel said, eyes darting quickly to you, almost like he was afraid to look at you. “They only have rooms with one bed…” 

“Wait, what?” You looked at the man behind the counter. “Seriously? We have a confirmation number, we…” 

“I know, and I apologize,” he said. “With the concerts, we’re booked solid this weekend and there must have been a mixup with an earlier check in. I can’t move someone who’s already checked in. I already looked at our sister property across town but they’re completely full, too…” 

Joel looked at you, his eyes a little wider than you were used to seeing them. Almost like he was going to panic at just the thought of sharing a bed with you. 

“We can make it work, right?” You said, watching him. “I mean… it’s not that bad, is it?” 

“Right,” Joel said. “Yeah, you’re right…” 

He turned back to the man. 

“I guess we’ll take it,” he said. “Three keys, please.” 

Your stomach knotted a little. You knew the situation was less than ideal, that the two of you had been actively avoiding that level of contact in the months since the new year, but it’s not as though you’d never shared a bed. Was kissing you really so bad that Joel was on the verge of a panic at the thought of sleeping next to you for two nights? 

Maybe it was. Maybe you hadn’t fully understood his level of disgust at it.

You weren’t stupid, after all. You knew what he thought about kissing you. And if you hadn’t already known, you knew for sure when you overheard him talking to Tommy about it. 

“It was a mistake,” he’d said when he thought you couldn’t hear. “It won’t happen again, I’m done doing stupid shit with her and then regretting it…” 

Being close to you - touching you - was stupid shit. Even under the guise of friendship it was stupid shit. That had stung. 

It shouldn’t have.

You’d known he felt that way, you had for years. It shouldn’t have made your chest tighten and your stomach turn the way it did. He’d made it clear - since the first time the two of you had ever done anything physical - that it was a mistake. You weren’t about to risk losing him by pressing it, no matter how much you wanted to scream that he was the one who kissed you, not the other way around.

But, you supposed, it didn’t really matter. If he didn’t want you that close to him, you weren’t about to force it on him. He was still happy enough to be your friend, even if he didn’t want to sleep next to you anymore. That was fine. You could live with that. And you could share a bed with him for a weekend without blurring that line again. 

Joel got the keys and you got Sarah from her makeshift balance beam before heading up to the room. He shifted his weight awkwardly from foot to foot on the elevator ride up and you tried to keep from grinding your teeth as Sarah bounced eagerly on the balls of her feet, shooting off like a rocket the second the doors opened. 

“Room 1521!” Joel called after her as she took off down the hall. “Jesus, I swear that kid has the energy to power a small city…” 

She beat you there and Joel handed her a key and Sarah did the honors of letting you into the room. 

“Oh cool!” She squealed, running in. “I get the couch bed right?” 

“Uh…” Joel’s eyes darted to you. 

“There’s a TV by it!” She ran to it. “Oh and the fridge is in this room! This one’s mine!” 

You just shrugged at him and he sighed. 

“Sure is, baby girl,” he said. “You wanna get changed before we go get something to eat?” 

“Nope!” She said, kicking off her shoes and jumping from couch cushion to couch cushion. “But if we get back early enough, can we go swimming?” 

“Sure,” Joel said. “Give me n’Goldie a minute and we’ll head out…” 

You gave Joel a tight smile and led the way to the bedroom. 

The bed, at least, was a king sized one, bigger than yours or Joel’s at home. You could keep to your separate sides of it well enough. 

“I’ll take the side by the door,” he said. You were about to protest - that was the right side of the bed and he always slept on the left - but kept your mouth shut. You didn’t have a side of the bed with Joel. Or, you shouldn’t, anyway. “Did you need to change?” 

“Just out of these leggings,” you said. “I only need a minute.” 

“Right,” he said. “I gotta use the bathroom anyway, so…” 

He stood there, awkward, for a moment before heading to the attached bathroom. You set your bag on the long, low dresser and unzipped it, rifling around for a moment until you found your jeans. You peeled off your leggings and folded them up, setting them beside your bag when your phone started vibrating in your jacket pocket. 

You frowned. You almost never got phone calls. You pulled your phone out and saw Anna’s ID picture and you answered quickly. 

“Anna?” You said, heart racing. “Is everything OK? Are you OK? Is the baby OK?” 

“What?” She asked. “Yeah, everything’s fine, why wouldn’t it be?” 

You relaxed a little. 

“You just don’t usually call,” you said. “What’s up?” 

“Oh,” she laughed. “Yeah, sorry, I didn’t mean freak you out. I just got an email from the OBGYN, they need to move my scan next week, can you do Wednesday afternoon?” 

“Is Thursday an option?” You asked. “I have more afternoon classes on Wednesdays…” 

“You decent?” Joel called from the other side of the bathroom door. 

“Looks like they have Thursday,” Anna said. 

“Hang on!” You called to Joel, still standing there in your pale pink satin panties, before turning your attention back to Anna. “Thursday is better, just let me know a time and I can adjust some office hours.” 

“Great!” She said. “I’ll text you the details. Have fun at the concert!” 

You were about to say your goodbyes when the bathroom door opened and, suddenly, you were standing there in your underwear in front of your best friend. 

The two of you just stared at each other for a moment, Joel’s eyes wide and ranging over you as you stood, frozen with your phone clutched to the side of your head. 

“Sorry!” Joel said quickly, turning around as you scrambled to hang up the phone and cover yourself. 

“I said hang on!” You said, grabbing your jeans. Joel glanced back over his shoulder before whipping his head back around. 

“I thought you said come on!” He said. “Sorry, I didn’t mean…” 

“It’s fine,” you said, jumping into the pants as quickly as you could, trying to wrestle the denim quickly over the swell of your ass before buttoning them. “There, you’re safe.” 

“Sorry,” he said again, turning around cautiously. As though you were a grenade that might explode if he caught a glimpse of your bared skin. “I wasn’t trying… I’m sorry.” 

“I said it’s fine,” you grabbed your purse. “Let’s get something besides junk food in Sarah otherwise I’m sure we’re going to pay for it later.” 

“Right,” he nodded. “Let’s go.” 

Joel was still tense next to you at dinner and you damn near chugged a glass of wine in the hopes it would help untie the knot in your stomach. 

Thankfully, you’d brought beer in the cooler from Austin and you grabbed two of them - putting the cans in koozies to cover the labels - when taking Sarah to the pool after dinner. The two of you sat and watched her play with other girls who, you assumed, were also in town for the concert. 

Joel relaxed a little then, just the two of you tucked into a corner of the hot tub with a beer in his hand. 

“Who knew I’d feel so old at 33,” he groaned a little, leaning his head back so it rested on the edge of the hot tub. “Just drove a few hours and I’m already wonderin’ how I’m gonna keep up with her tomorrow.” 

“We do have to keep her busy most of the day,” you smiled a little, watching as she lined up at the edge of the deep end of the pool next to three other girls. They jumped in one by one, each girl doing some kind of dramatic twist or funny hand gesture as they fell toward the water, shrieking and laughing as they came up for air. “It’s going to be a challenge.” 

“Thanks for doin’ this,” he said, tone more serious as he looked at you. “It really does mean a lot. We don’t have a lot of people, always felt like I’ve let her down by not having more. I’m glad she’s got someone else who cares about her, you know?” 

You smiled a little. 

“Of course I care about her,” you said. “She means the world to me. You both do.” 

His eyes traced your face and your heart beat a little faster in spite of yourself. 

“Hey Dad!” Sarah called, pulling you away from each other. “Aunt Goldie! Watch this!” 

“We’re watchin’!” Joel called back. 

Sarah looked to her new friend - a girl who looked to be about her age with red hair in a braid down her back - and they gave each other a nod before running for the edge of the pool and jumping for the water, the girls twisting in the air to slap each other’s hands before they splashed down. You laughed and clapped as they surfaced, Sarah beaming. 

“Looks great, baby girl,” Joel said. “But no runnin’ by the pool, just like at home. It’s not safe.” 

Sarah rolled her eyes as she swam to the side of the pool and going back to her new found friends. 

Things felt almost normal as the three of you headed back to the room, towels over your shoulders and a trail of water behind you in the elevators. Sarah settled quickly once you were back in the hotel room, Joel telling her she couldn’t have any more soda or juice after she brushed her teeth but he did let her pick a movie to put on the TV as she settled into the pull out couch, looking like she was getting away with something as she watched Legally Blonde from her bed. 

Joel stayed in the bathroom far longer than you thought he’d need to as you both got changed into pajamas. You’d seen him go through his nighttime routine enough times, you knew he was trying to make sure he didn’t accidentally see you in your panties again. 

You had, at least, planned ahead for sharing a room with Joel, packing a fairly conservative set of sleep shorts with a matching shirt and changing quickly so you could spare him the sight. You climbed in bed when you were done, staying as far on your side as you could reach, a book propped open on your knees. 

Joel knocked before opening the door, anyway, and you winced as you replied. 

“You’re safe,” you said. He still opened the door cautiously, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw you tucked below the covers. You smiled tightly at him as he climbed in bed beside you, his curls still damp from the pool. You tried not to just look at him - you shouldn’t want to just look at him, he was your friend - as he got settled and scrolled his phone for a moment before he looked toward you. 

“Want to watch a shitty movie?” 

“God, yes,” you said, putting your bookmark in. 

Joel laughed a little and turned the TV on, finding the Hallmark channel with some particularly insipid movie you didn’t need to know the plot of to keep up with, even coming in half way through. 

By the time it was over, the two of you had drifted closer on the bed, both of you a little breathless from laughter. You turned out the lights and lay down, more beside each other than against each other, and you stared at the ceiling for a moment, trying not to think about the fact that the warmth soaking into you came from Joel. 

“M’sorry about the room mix up,” he said quietly into the dark. “I hope it’s not… I don’t want you to feel weird.”

“I don’t,” you said quickly. “It’s fine.” 

“Good,” he said. “Because the last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable…” 

“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, either,” your voice dropped low enough that it was almost a whisper. 

“You don’t,” he said, almost as fast as you’d responded to him. 

“Good,” you said after a moment. “Goodnight, Joel.” 

“Night, Goldie.” 

***

Joel had a hard-on when he woke up. 

A goddamn boner pressed against his best friend’s ass, an ass he’d seen barely concealed by the softest looking fucking satin or silk or whatever the fuck women’s panties were made of, a sight he couldn’t seem to shake. Not that it was that different from seeing you in a swim suit but there was something about the intimacy of seeing you in a state of undress when he knew - or was pretty damn sure, anyway - that he was the only man who’d seen you that way in months. He liked that sight being reserved just for him. 

He needed to get the fuck over that. 

He was trying to. Really, truly, sincerely he was trying. He’d managed to get some distance from you - though that had helped less than he really expected. But he couldn’t bring himself to just cut you off. 

Even though that would probably be the smart thing to do. 

Clearly you didn’t feel for him the way he felt for you. He’d kissed you - twice - and you acted like it was nothing. Hell, you’d jumped on Tinder as soon as you got home from the cabin and found fucking Stephen. His stomach had twisted in on itself when he saw that text. Consciously, he knew you didn’t feel the same way he did but fuck, he’d hoped it would take you longer than a few days to do something like resort to Tinder after he kissed you. 

And now here he was, his dick against your ass as you slept tucked against him. He wondered what had done it. Had he dreamed about you and those pink little panties only to forget it when he woke? Had he just felt your body against him as you slept, all curved back into him and making your home against his torso with your legs all tucked up toward your stomach so the lush of your ass was nestled right against his cock? Had he just smelled your hair from where you’d moved in the night, the scent of you all close and beautiful driving him to a step beyond wanting? 

It didn’t really matter, he supposed. All that mattered now was making sure you didn’t know it happened. 

He adjusted himself delicately, his cock aching and leaky in the cotton of his pajama pants, rolling slowly onto his back and leaving the arm you were currently using as a pillow below your head. Joel tried to gently extract his arm, hoping he could make it to the bathroom and - after locking the doors - jerking off fast and hard to the memory of you in those little panties

No such luck. You stirred then, uncoiling yourself and stretching out with a satisfied little moan that seemed to have a direct line to his hard cock, making it twitch in the confines of his pants. 

“Morning,” you said, voice groggy as you adjusted, lifting off his arm and arching your back before relaxing down into the mattress. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cramp your space…” 

“S’fine,” Joel said quickly. The two of you lay in awkward quiet for a moment. “Should probably get movin’…” 

“Yup,” you said, getting up quickly. “Big day ahead of us.” 

The three of you got ready to go - Sarah already eager to get into her concert outfit and you had to talk her down - before heading to breakfast. Joel just watched you and Sarah talk about her favorite song lyrics over bacon and eggs and wondered how the hell he was supposed to move on from you when you were like this with his daughter. 

You went to the aquarium that day, you and Joel just hanging back as Sarah pressed her face against the glass at every exhibit, finding the fish she liked best and trying to learn everything she could about them. 

Joel found himself watching you almost as much as he watched his daughter, the streaks of refracted light from the water catching on your eyes and skin and hair.

“What?” You asked when you caught him, a puzzled smile on your face. 

“Nothin’,” he shrugged, looking toward the tank. 

“OK,” you laughed a little. “Weirdo.” 

“That’s me,” he smiled, shaking his head a bit. 

“Well, as long as you’re aware.” 

The three of you went back to the room with plenty of time to get ready and Sarah practically shoved Joel into the living room the second they were there. 

“You’re a boy,” she said before she closed the door. “We have a lot more to do than you.” 

There were a few seconds of quiet before the Taylor Swift started playing and Joel laughed a little, distracting himself with a phone game while you and his daughter gave each other makeovers in the bedroom. 

“Dad!” Sarah poked her head out a while later. 

He set the phone down. 

“Yes baby girl?” 

“Are you ready?” She said. “Because we have to do a fashion show.” 

“Fashion show it up, kiddo,” he said. “M’ready.” 

“OK, put New Romantics on,” she said. Joel frowned and she rolled her eyes. “We need a soundtrack, Dad, just do it!” 

“Alright, alright,” he said, going into Spotify and finding the song. “Ready when you are.” 

“Presenting the eras of Sarah and Goldie,” she said with dramatic flair before throwing the bedroom door open and jumping into the living room in a pink shirt covered in sequins and her white skort. Her hair was in two what she liked to call “space buns” on the top of her head, pink plastic hair ties holding them in place. Her springy curls were covered in glitter and she had on bright pink, sparkling eyeshadow and gem stones on her cheeks as she beamed, her arms over her head as she showed off her outfit. “I’m in my Lover era because it’s the best one, obviously.” 

“Obviously,” Joel tried to keep himself from laughing. “That’s a lot of glitter, kiddo.” 

“It’s a concert, Dad,” she rolled her eyes as you poked your head around the door to look into the living room and he caught a glimpse of your much darker makeup. 

“It’s just a spray,” you said. “It’s supposed to wash out pretty easy.” 

“No, don’t show yourself yet!” Sarah shoved you lightly back behind the door. “You have to do it all at once to get the full effect!” 

“Sorry!” You called and Joel heard the hint of a laugh on the edges of your voice. “You tell me when it’s OK to come out.” 

“Thank you,” Sarah said, turning back to Joel and striking a pose. “Lover is the best because it has the most pink AND it has Cruel Summer on it.” 

“Sure,” Joel nodded seriously even though he had no idea what she was talking about. “You look great, baby girl. Very pink.” 

She beamed. 

“And now, Aunt Goldie -” she stepped to the side of the doorway and threw her arms out with a flourish - “who is in her Reputation era!” 

Joel didn’t know what the fuck that meant, either. All he knew was that he had a hard time keeping his mouth shut as you stepped around the door, a sheepish look on your face as you turned in a slow circle to show off your entire outfit. You were in black jeans that hugged every curve of your legs, heeled black boots, a satiny shirt that was low cut enough that he could see a hint of the black lace bra below and a black leather jacket. Your eyes were dark and your lashes were long, your lips blazing red and all he could think about was how much he wanted to ruin that fucking lipstick. He was so busy staring at you like an idiot, he missed what Sarah was saying. 

“I’m sorry, kiddo, what was that?” He asked, not looking at Sarah. He couldn’t seem to take his eyes off you. 

“She’s in her reputation era because it’s the most badass - sorry Dad - one,” she said. “And she’s definitely badass. Sorry.” 

“I tried to tell her that no, I’m definitely not,” you said. “But she wouldn’t listen.” 

“Nah, she’s right,” Joel said, hoping he didn’t look like too much of a fucking idiot as he stared at you. “You…” he tried to find some way to describe you that didn’t make him sound like a dumbass. “You look great.” 

You smiled a little. 

“Thanks,” you said. “And what are you wearing?” 

“Oh, right,” he said, getting up from the couch. “Sarah picked somethin’ for me too…” 

He ducked around you into the bedroom and resisted the urge to run his hand over your stomach to the curve of your waist and pull you against him. He changed his shoes into his cowboy boots and got his cowboy hat out from its place in his bag before emerging. 

“What era is this, baby girl?” He asked, his hands awkwardly shoved in the pockets of his jeans. 

“That’s the evermore era,” Sarah said knowingly. Joel frowned and she rolled her eyes. “Cowboy Like Me. Duh.”

Joel saw you press your lips together as you tried not to laugh. 

“Duh, yes,” Joel said. 

“Oh! And…” She scampered to her bag and opened the side pocket of her duffle, pulling out fistfuls of plastic beads. “Friendship bracelets!” 

She put a few on herself before holding clusters of them out to each of you. 

“You’re supposed to trade them with other people at the show! I made a bunch!” 

“Thank you!” You said sliding the cluster of them up your arm and turning them in the light. “I didn’t know concerts required so much prep work…” 

“We ready to go?” Joel asked. “I know parking’s gonna be a nightmare…” 

“Yeah!” Sarah damn near bounded toward the door. “Let’s go!” 

The concert was packed, awash with bright colors and excited squeals as the three of you settled in, Sarah immediately striking up a conversation with a girl about her age in a purple dress, trading bracelets with her. 

“Oh, right,” you said, leaning around Joel to see what Sarah was doing. You started looking over the mass of beads on your wrist and selecting one, passing it over to him. “This one seems good.” 

Joel took it, most of the beads letters that said Call It What You Want. He made a mental note to listen to the song at some point. He smiled a little, putting it on the wrist that didn’t have any bracelets yet so he wouldn’t accidentally give it away. 

“Thanks,” he said, looking at his own wrist until he found the one that made the most sense to him and handed it over before he could think better of it. “Here, in trade.” 

You smiled and took it before laughing a little. 

“You Belong With Me, huh?” You asked. He shrugged and you traced your thumb over the letters before sliding it on your wrist. “Thank you.” 

“Dad!” Sarah grabbed his arm and held up hers. “Look! She gave me her Lover one!”

“That’s great, baby girl,” he smiled at the glittery pastel beads, Sarah’s eyes wide and bright. 

It was impossible to not love how happy Sarah was here. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen her smile quite so huge or seen her eyes quite so bright. It was like she was getting everything she had ever dreamed as she chattered away to every girl around them as they waited for the show to start. He drank it in, trying to make sure he remembered clearly, sharply how it felt to see her so happy. After a while, he looked to you to find you watching Sarah, too, a look on your face that was almost as happy as hers and you looked so beautiful he almost wasn’t tempted to look at the plush swell of your lace clad cleavage below your satin shirt. 

Almost. 

“What?” You laughed a little, gaze meeting his just as the lights dimmed. 

“Thank you,” he said. “For wanting to make her happy.” 

You just smiled gently before taking his hand and giving it a squeeze, Joel’s heart skipping a beat as everyone’s attention turned to the stage and cheered, the music starting. 

He didn’t pay much attention to the music during the concert, more interested in watching Sarah have fun and you indulging her, happily dancing along with her and clapping excitedly when she did. 

But there was one song in a slower section that he couldn’t help but notice. You’d been swaying along to the music and Joel had been appreciating the guitar when your head drifted over and rested on his shoulder. He froze for a moment, looking at you with the small smile on your red lips and your eyes all soft as you watched the stage and fuck he wanted to kiss you. He wanted to kiss you and he wanted it to be unlike every other time he kissed you, each of them full of driving want or couched in some pretense. Instead, he wanted to kiss you all soft and slow, gentle and earnest. He wanted to take his time and memorize the taste of you and the way your body felt when cradled against him just so. 

But he couldn’t do that so he tried to focus on the song but the lyrics cut him to the quick. 

One night he wakes

Strange look on his face

Pauses, then says

You're my best friend

And you knew what it was

He is in love

The words were striking in their familiarity, like they’d been written just for him. It was a moment he’d had a long time ago, almost 20 years back now, a lightning bolt that made him stare straight up at his ceiling in the middle of the night, right at the spot over his bed that had some Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition model poster tacked into the popcorn plaster. The model didn’t hold a candle to you and your slow building smiles and the way you grabbed his bicep for support when you laughed. 

Because he loved you. 

He’d never loved anything outside of his family before but he loved you. The realization swallowed him up, swift and devastating, because he knew - even at 16 he knew - that it would never work. You were too smart, you burned too bright, you wouldn’t have your feet glued to this place the way his were. You’d move on after high school and go change the world and he’d be able to read your name in the paper and say that he knew you once. 

Except he’d always assumed that, eventually, he’d move on. That he’d love something else, find some slice of that all encompassing feeling in another woman. He was just 16 then, after all. Who the fuck married someone they met in high school these days? He’d move on. 

But he didn’t. He’d just poured all the love he had into his daughter until he was struck by you again and realized that no, it hadn’t faded. He still loved you in a way he’d never loved anything else and in a way he didn’t think he’d ever love anything else again and he still knew - even at 33 he knew - that it wasn’t going to work. And he couldn’t risk pressing it, not when life was this much better just because you were close. 

But what was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to spend the rest of his life trying to pretend that he’d find someone else to feel this way about? Was he supposed to steep himself in this torturous proximity until he lost himself to it? Was he supposed to try to bear finding distance from you - when he couldn’t even last a few days not speaking to you - so he could manage it? 

He didn’t know. He wasn’t sure he would ever really know. 

“Joel?” You stepped back from him, your eyebrows knitted together. “You OK?” 

You lifted a hand and pressed the back of it to his cheek. 

“M’fine,” he frowned. “Why?” 

“You look pale,” you said, moving your hand to the other side of his face. “But you don’t feel warm…” 

“Just gettin’ too old for the concert life,” he smiled a little. “Don’t worry about it.” 

You took your hand back. He wasn’t sure if it was a kindness or a cruelty. 

“Better get used to it if you’re going to start playing again,” you said, facing back toward the stage. 

“Yeah,” he said, heart clenching a little. “I’d better.” 

You and Sarah got him to dance and he memorized the look on Sarah’s face as the show wound down, all happiness and joy at getting exactly what she wanted.

After a seemingly endless wait for an Eras Tour t-shirt and the traffic jam to leave the parking lot, the three of you made it back to the hotel, Sarah asleep in the back seat. You went to wake her but Joel stopped you. 

“I’ve got ‘er,” he said quietly, lifting her delicately from the back seat. She groggily put her arms around his neck and nuzzled into his shoulder and he smiled a little. She might be getting big but at least he could still carry his baby girl to bed. 

The two of you tucked her in together before tiptoeing to the bedroom. 

“Thank God I talked Sarah out of glitter for me,” you said quietly as you took your makeup off, already in your pajamas in front of the bathroom mirror. Joel tried to resist the urge to trace the curve of your legs and ass with his eyes. “I’ve barely got the energy to take this off…” 

“Her hair’s gonna be a nightmare tomorrow,” he said, smiling in spite of himself. 

“Yeah, but she loved it,” you looked at him in the mirror. “Worth it.” 

“Yeah,” he agreed. “Worth it.” 

When you got in bed, the two of you ditched the pretense of distance that you’d started with the night before. You lay close but not touching, close enough that he could feel the warmth of you under the blankets. 

“So,” you said, yawning. “How was your first concert with Sarah?” 

“Anything that makes that kid that happy is great in my book,” he smiled a little, his eyes tracing the dark outline of you silhouetted in the dim city light that filtered around the curtains. “Seriously… thank you. I couldn’t have done this without you.” 

“Thanks for letting me be a part of it,” Joel could hear your groggy smile on your voice. “And I had a few Christmases to make up for missing.” 

He laughed lightly. 

“I missed you, Joel,” you said, sounding so tired he wasn’t sure that you knew you said it. 

He was quiet for a moment. 

“Missed you too, Goldie. So much.” 

You hummed in response before your breaths shifted to the quiet, easy cadence of sleep and Joel drifted off, letting himself savor the closeness of you. 

That indulgence, he thought at first, was what sparked the dream. 

You were in a hotel room with him in his head, too, but it was different. It was just the two of you and it wasn’t because you had to be. No, you were there for each other. 

Joel took his time with you then. He undressed you slowly, his lips trailing over your neck and shoulder as he slid the straps of your bra down your arms. He kissed you the way he wanted to at the concert, holding you to him as his tongue dipped into your mouth and he could smell your shampoo and feel the silk of your skin below his fingers and his cock was painfully swollen. His kiss grew more desperate, desire shifting to necessity. He was drawn hot and tight inside his skin and wanting you was a distant memory now because he was far beyond that. He needed you. 

He rutted against the soft warmth beside him, seeking some kind of relief, your body relaxed and pliant against him, your breath hot on his skin and it was the little whimper you made that woke him up. 

It was still early, the light coming in from around the edges of the curtains not bright enough for it to be the light of day yet but that didn’t seem to matter, he could see things just fine. You were close and tight against him, his aching cock pressed to your stomach, the root of him against your clit, your pussy so hot he could feel it through your pajamas and his own. Your leg was hitched over his hip and you rocked your hips against his length and your head was tucked below his. He could smell your shampoo and feel the heat of your breath on his neck. He froze against you and you gave a soft, strangled moan. 

“Goldie,” he whispered, only then realizing that he was panting for breath. “Think… I think you’re dreamin’, should wake up…” 

You didn’t respond. You just moaned, high pitched and needy, and worked your core against his length and Joel worried that he was going to come then and there. 

“Goldie,” he said again. HIs voice sounded strangled, like he was choking on the words. “Gotta wake up baby, can’t…” 

Your leg tightened on him and your hand found its way to the back of his neck, playing in his curls as you ground yourself against his cock and he thought he might burst if he didn’t find some kind of relief soon and… was it really wrong if you started it? If you were practically fucking him in your sleep, was it so bad to give in to what you wanted? 

His resolve weakened, falling into nothing in a matter of seconds. His hands spread over you, one between your shoulder blades, the other cupping the lush globe of your ass and he pressed closer to you, grinding against your hot slit that you kept pressing against him like you wanted him the way he wanted you. 

Joel’s hand traveled down your ass and over your thigh, the feeling of your skin below his fingers almost too much when taken with everything else you were offering and fuck he wanted to feel you come. He wanted to bury himself deep inside of you and feel you get lost in your pleasure while wrapped around him. He resisted the urge to at least slip a finger into those wet panties - he knew they’d be wet, knew you’d be fucking dripping - because that, for some reason, was a bridge too far. You hadn’t started that. You had started this. 

“Goldie,” he managed again, forgetting all pretense and just fucking his cock against you now. “Need you to wake up…” 

You buried your face in his neck and moaned, the motion of your hips picking up for a moment before you pulled your face back from him, eyes open wide and glassy with want and shock. He froze, his hands still on you and his cock still pressed against your core. 

“Joel,” you breathed, eyes searching his. “What are we…” 

“Want me to stop touchin’ you?” He asked, praying you wouldn’t say yes. 

“No,” you whispered. “I… I want…I need… but we… we can’t…” 

His heart cracked open at that but he shoved it aside. He could deal with the pain of that later. 

“Don’t gotta be anymore than this,” he said quietly. “It’s OK baby, promise. It doesn’t need to mean anything, it’s OK…” 

You just nodded quickly and buried your face in his neck again, clutching him close so every line of you was tight to his body, your hips working in earnest against his cock. He moaned at the feel of it, needing to press his mouth into the crown of your head to muffle the sound. He rutted himself against you, his leaking cock making such a mess of his goddamn underwear that it almost felt like he was inside you, the slick of his precome and the heat of your pussy intoxicating. 

The two of you rocked against each other like teenagers in heat, terrified of what that next step would mean but too desperate to stop yourselves now. Joel was getting dangerously close to spilling into his pants and was trying to stave off his orgasm, needing to come with you, when you spoke - voice small and hot and needy - from your place tucked against his skin. 

“I’m gonna come, Joel,” you panted so quietly, like your pleasure was a secret. “I’m gonna come, I’m gonna come, fuck, I’m gonna come, I…” 

“It’s OK,” he said, holding you a little closer, a little tighter, working his cock against you a little harder. “Just come, it’s OK, I’ve got you, it’s OK, just come for me baby, just come.” 

You rutted yourself against him once, twice more before your body seized up and he could feel the throbbing of your pussy against his cock even through the layers of clothing. He closed his eyes and thrust up, letting himself imagine that he was deep inside you and coming there, his orgasm hitting him so hard it made his head spin. 

Your body went limp in his hold after as the two of you panted for breath, limbs tangled around each other. He just held you, tight enough to feel close but loose enough that you could pull away when you needed, until you leaned back from him. Your eyes were still wide but more in shock, now, than want. 

“Joel,” you whispered. “What did we do?” 

He could hear the panic edging into your voice. 

“What did we just do?” Your breaths were coming in fearful little pants now and he ignored the pain in his chest as he brushed your hair back soothingly. 

“S’OK,” he said softly. “It… it doesn’t have to mean anything, it’s OK. Just… shit happened, it wasn’t anything crazy, it’s OK. It don’t have to be anything it’s not, it’s OK.” 

There was a look in your eyes he couldn’t quite place but then you nodded. 

“You OK?” Joel asked after a moment. 

You held his gaze for a second before you nodded once. 

“Yeah,” you said. “It’s OK.” 

His alarm went off and he scrambled to turn it off, praying that, this time, it really would be OK. 

Next Chapter

A/N: I'm going to keep building that tension because I love to torture them apparently.

Don't ask me what my problem is. If I knew, I'd tell you.

Thank you so much for reading about these two idiots! I love them so much. Even if they're idiots.

[miloformula123fan]

Hey! Could you do fic about Fernando Alonso x baker!reader from prompt? Tag me later! Thanks

of course darling. im so sorry it took me this long to get it out for you <3

Please keep requesting - y'all have awesome ideas we agree on a lot of stuff :) - my guidelines are here, and if you want some prompts, they are here.

also feel free to come in and start chatting to me in my asks, would love to get to know y'all better

and if you want to be added to my taglist lmk :)

and my masterlist is here <3

fernando alonso x baker!reader

“Hola, welcome to pan y amor, what can i get for you?”

“Your number?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Oh are you taken, my apologies. ”

“...no I’m not taken, just wasn’t expecting you to be so bold. How about you buy something and if you like it you can have my number and take me on a date?”

“I am not usually this bold, I apologise. Okay then, what would you recommend, mi sol?”

“Well, I mean, I have to recommend our natillas de leche, unless your allergic to something in them, then I’d try and think of something else.”

“Not allergic, though if my trainer heard how many of these I was eating.”

“Trainer huh?” as Y/N passed over the natillas. “so , you’re an athlete?”

“F1 driver, Fernando Alonso” he held over his hand to shake, after paying “i’m from here, so I like to come in and spend time with the locals”

“Oh, well I’m not the biggest f1 fan, but I’m sure happy to help the locals, maybe you could introduce me to F1.”

---

“Darling, I’m trying to make some brownies before the bakery opens, you cannot come in here and distract me.”

“Can I make something to help?”

“Do you swear that you will follow my instructions to a T?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Okay, you can make some caramel slices. You need to grab almond meal, vanilla protein powder, rice malt syrup, coconut oil, peanut butter, and dark chocolate, did you understand that?”

“Yes chef!”

“Okay good. It needs to go in the fridge, and then you can work on the strawberry lemon scones and then when i'm working on the tiramisu you can work on the orange loaf.”

“You’re telling me that when i rock up before my girlfriend officially starts work to hang out with her, all that happens if I have to do unpaid work.”

“Well i can’t pay you a f1 driver wage, because i can’t afford it and also you are not an f1 driver equivalent baker. I don’t even know if it’s worth giving you these ingredients for fear that I cannot sell what you make.”

---

“Okay, welcome back to pan y amor, as you know we in Cogollo, are massive f1 fans, so we have made some pumpkin cream cheese muffins to celebrate Fernando’s 33rd win. We had a little birdy tell us that this was his favourite flavour, so here’s how we make it, as always the full recipe will be on our blog y si quieres ver esta receta en español, ve a nuestro perfil, donde repasamos exactamente la misma receta, pero en español, para que todos nuestros fans de habla hispana también puedan seguirla. We’ve started this recipe by preheating the oven to 175 degrees celsius, which is 350 degrees fahrenheit for our American fans. 

And as my boyfriend gets in the way, the pumpkin cream cheese muffins are gonna be made slower. He loves this flavour so he’d better get out of my way so I can make the muffins, si, comprendo?”

“Comprendo, capitan!”

Bien, bienvenido de nuevo a pan y amor, como ya sabéis, en Cogollo somos grandes fans de la F1, así que hemos preparado unas magdalenas de calabaza y queso crema para celebrar la victoria número 33 de Fernando. Un pajarito nos dijo que este era su sabor favorito, así que así es como lo preparamos, como siempre la receta completa estará en nuestro blog and if you want to see this recipe in english, go to our profile, where we run through the exact same recipe, but in english, so all our english speaking fans can also follow. Comenzamos esta receta precalentando el horno a 175 grados centígrados.’

'Okay call me delusional, but was that Fernando in this tiktok?'

'Why is fernando voicing a random bakery’s tiktoks?'

'this bakery is in his home town, so maybe he knows them'

'WHY IS THE BAKERY OWNER SO PRETTY'

---

i am going to apologise now because I doubt this made sense :)

taglist: @leosxrealm, @pear-1206, @tallrock35, @wolf-knights, @janeholt3

[has-merlinofficial-posted-today]

News from Merlin Official?

No

Yes ✅

They liked two replies.

N.1:

AND 2:

We're becoming best buds at this point (the person writing this is entering her delusional era)

Btw I was thinking of changing my Twitter profile pic, given my ascent into stardom, what do we think? That white R on a green background is not popping.

[buckybarnesss]

How can people watch the "we're on a ship 😉" video and NOT think that is queerbaiting?

Two grown men cuddled on a boat and told us to vote in a TV Guide poll if we wanted to see more Sterek on the show Teen Wolf, and somehow there's a group of people who think that Sterek shippers just made it all up!!

ugh, i know. i always feel like "old lady yells at cloud" when i think about it. like, i'm aware that 2012 was a whole ass decade ago and with that means it was a different era of the internet. hell, it was a different era of fandom culture.

it half feels like lost lore that teen wolf was one of the pioneers of 2010s queerbait. a concept which more modern fandom has taken into being "my ship didn't go canon" or "the fandom made something seem more queer/more canon than it was" instead of recognizing it as a marketing tool. queerness within teen wolf's narrative isn't the argument here. they used a popular gay ship to not just attract viewers but to utilize the fanbase to garner votes in polls and such.

teen wolf's official tumblr still exists (and so do it's posts). it has a sterek tag.

vote or we'll sink this ship?!?!

jeff davis congratulated "the stereks"

but sure, us sterek shippers are delusional or some shit when this is still in plain sight on the fucking internet.

[rimunagenius]

Existing

pairing: Daryl x genneutral!reader

summary: Y/N realizes hiding their feelings is becoming far too much so their only solution is to distance themselves from Daryl. When Daryl confront Y/N, secrets are revealed and new bonds are created.

era: season 7 (Negan and saviors don’t exist, Glenn never died — that was purely to fuel my delusional brain that Glenn is happily living his life with Enid, Maggie, and Hershel (:)

words: i have no clue (sorry y’all….no im not.)

A/N: Whoo! This is officially my second Daryl x reader fic, and please please PLEASE if i slipped another pronoun like he or she, please comment or message me to correct me so i can fix it. Or if gender nuetral pronouns are wrong all together, correct me please i want to make sure it’s correct so no one feels singled out or misgendered on my page!! thank you sexies!! It’s a force of habit, i write a lot of fem!reader stuff on wattpad and stuff so thanks! Hope you enjoy, this might be shit bc it’s unedited or bc i just actually suck at writing 🥳

warnings: slight angst?? fluff

REQUESTS OR WTV THEYRE CALLED ON HERE, ARE OPEN!!

NOT MY GIF!!!

————

It was known to everyone that you liked Daryl and that he liked you. There was definitely no hiding it. It was common knowledge to anyone in the community.

Everyone saw the way you looked at him with the utmost admiration. He was strong — mentally and physically — he always treated you with respect, nothing less. He was there whenever you needed him and he understood you and never judged you. He was perfect. How could you not look at him like he was the human embodiment of perfection.

Daryl was never one to reveal too much about himself. He never found it in himself to tell anyone his past, never wanted to say too much before they looked at him like he was someone else and not the Daryl they already knew. He wanted to be seen, not judged and listened to without being left out of fear or inferiority. He just wanted to finally fit in and not be seen as the ‘redneck trash asshole’ everyone already thought he was. He was never seen as anything less but a human with feelings who deserved a chance when it came to you. He always felt unconditionally loved — protected. He always felt seen with you, and he never felt like you were judging him like almost everyone else did. He was grateful that the end of the world gave him someone like you.

“Hey sunshine!” You tried your best to mimick his southern drawl as you patted his back, falling in rythym with Daryl’s steps alongside him.

He looked down at you, smirk prying at the corner of his lush lips, scoffing his usual scoff when it came to you. Always playful, never malicious. Even though he had many scrapes and bruises, which you have yet to notice on the man, he took his time getting to the infirmary if it meant he spent just a little time with you.

“Hey.” His face dropped any trace of amusement when he saw your face fall into a look of worry.

“Oh my god, Daryl! Your bleeding!” You immediately stood infront of him, halting his tracks as you examined his body for any more injuries. “C’mon, let’s go.” Grabbing his hand, you dragged him to Denise, grabbing the supplies to do it yourself while she tended to other victims of the difficult run. You were a nurse before the fall so you spent most of your time in Alexandria helping Denise. You actually had the supplies to aid everyone, instead of scrounging for makeshift supplies when you were on the road.

Grabbing gauze and disinfecting liquid, you cleaned his blood crusted scrapes, and managed to convince him to let you clean up his face. “Why are ya like this, Y/N?” He flinched as you reached to clean the cut above his brow. You scoffed at the man. You were flabbergasted as to why he was questioning your motives.

“Uh, because I care Daryl. I’m never not gonna care.” You looked at him as it was obvious. Because to you, and apparently everyone else but him, it was. You truly loved that man. You truly cared for him and wanted nothing but the absolute best for him. He looked at you like you were crazy for caring this much about a guy like him. “But why? I could’a done this myself. I don’ need yer’ help.” He didn’t wipe the look off his face. He was genuinely confused.

“You have protected all of us. Ever since Atlanta, the farm…You never stopped caring and protecting us. No one really batted an eye to you for it. But it’s about damn time someone starts taking care of you, and I plan on doing just that til’ the day I die, Dixon.” You gave him a warm smile as you placed a small kiss on his forehead as you continued to tend to his wounds.

He recalled that memory everytime he thought of you and your beautifully kind heart. He remembered the warm fuzzy feeling he had gotten when he looked into your eyes that night. He felt like he was lost and your beaming light, your smile, you…brought him where he always belonged. Home.

You both felt at home with eachother. Regardless if both of you were aware of the others feelings or not. Regardless if you both met someone, neither you or him, would dare spend your borrowed time apart. You needed him like he needed you. Even if it had been purely platonic, neither of you would care. You two were eachothers anchors, keeping the other grounded. You saved eachother. You weren’t letting eachother go until the both of you were dead.

Although the idea of the relationship being platonic and you willing to be okay with that under the right circumstances, you hated the idea of it now. You knew Daryl wasn’t seeing anybody, or atleast you had a good idea. He would’ve told you, or Carol, which would’ve inevitably circled back to you. ‘I am going to die on this ship. A captain never abandons her ship’ Carol always teased you about your little crush on Daryl. She was infact very shameless of the teasing. It only increased when she learned that the feelings were mutual.

But the constant feeling of butterflies, the blush pink rising in your cheeks significantly everytime he spoke to you or said your name the way he always did, the sudden loss for words whenever you tried to speak your mind was something you couldn’t take anymore. Telling Daryl was detrimental to your state of mind from here on out. He needed to know.

That was the problem though, you had been avoiding him for days after you decided to distance yourself from the archer because being around him, feeling the way you felt, was something that was unsettling to you. You knew he knew that you were avoiding him. He would walk in your direction and you’d quickly turn around in the other. It was getting easier to avoid him because you had memorized the days he told you he’d be gone on runs and doing handiwork around the community.

This however, wasn’t one of the easier times. You were wrapping your conversation up with Maggie and Glenn when you turned heel, on your way to your home. You didn’t make it far before you bumped into a broad chest that belonged to none other than him.

“Hey, what’s up with ya’? Why is my favorite girl avoidin’ me. Did I do somethin’. If I did, I’m so sorry sunshine.” Daryl was quick to apologize. For what? He couldn’t tell you. All he knew was that he wanted the cold shoulder you gave him to dissapear and be replaced with the warm love you both mutually shared. He couldn’t do that if you weren’t talking to him.

“Nothing. Excuse me.” You tried your best not to look him in the eyes and let loose all the feelings you wanted to scream into his face to make him understand that you truly, deeply loved him. You trudged up your pearly white steps into the beautiful home you, Rosita, and Tara shared.

You were only able to unlock the door and take one step into the home before you were met with his hand connecting to your forearm, stopping your movements completely. “Hey, you can talk ta’ me. Ya’ know I would never do nothin’ to hurt you, right? Look, Y/N. I’m sor-“

“Can you stop apologizing! You did nothing wrong, Daryl. Hell, you never do wrong,” Your voice faltered at the end, your head falling as you collected your breath and gained the courage to just come clean. You looked into your favorite blue eyes, your eyes already starting to fill with frustrated tears; some betraying you, already cascading down your face. “Daryl. I cannot keep doing this. I can’t keep pretending that we’re just friends because I don’t think we should be.”

“Wait—you don’ wanna be friends no more?” Daryl felt his heart break in two. He hoped he misread the situation and it was just your horrible delivery. He prayed the only person he loved with everything in him, wasn’t leaving him. He refused to be left. Not again.

“Not when everytime I look at you all I think about is what it’d be like to hold you in my arms every chance i get. To know what it’s like to kiss you because that’s all I think about. Being the first person you see when you wake up in the morning and the last person you talk to at night. I can’t be your friend when all I want is for us to be more than that, Daryl.” Your frustrated tears were showing no mercy as you tried so hard not to cry infront of him. You didn’t want to make him feel bad into giving into what you wanted. The last thing you wanted was make him do something he didn’t want to. That’d hurt you more.

“Y/N-“ Daryl was ready to commit. He was ready, for you. He wanted this just as much as you did. He didn’t get to deliver his confession before you cut him off, wanting to get it all over and done with.

“No, Daryl. I can’t. I can’t think without you. It’s like my whole body relies on you. My whole damn life is you, I literally can’t breathe because i’m waiting for you. Hoping and waiting til’ the day you come to me and tell me you want me forver. You own me, Daryl. You control me. I belong to you.” There was no running now. You had just said everything you could ever say the best you could. You just hoped it was enough. Maybe, just maybe, he feels the same way too. Your chest heiving in big waves as you tried to catch your breath. You didn’t realize telling him how you felt took all the breath out of your lungs. Your words so powerful they left you breathless.

You were embarassed. You told him how you felt and as you spoke his expression, the look on his face, honestly terrified you. You weren’t gonna take it back beacuse you meant every word. You’d wait. No matter how long it took.

He wasted no more than a second to step foward, your chests almost touching. He wanted you to hear him. He wanted you to see him. When he talked, you always listened; he rarely talked because you usually did all the talking but he never minded it. He could listen to you all day long. Now, it was his turn and he’d be damned if he wasted probably the only chance he would ever get to tell you how much he loved you.

“You own me! You control me, I belong to you. I love you, Im in love with you, yer’ the love of my life. My every feelin’ is controlled by the look on yer’ face. I can’t breathe without ya’. I can’t sleep without ya’. I wait for ya’, I watch for ya’. Goddamit — I fuckin’ exist for you, Y/N.”

Both of you didn’t know what to say. You had both stood there screaming your feelings in the others face and now…neither of you had anything to say. You stood there, searching eachothers eyes, face, and body as you waited for the other to speak.

“So…that’s it?” You broke the silence as you looked up at the man. He didn’t know what to do other than look into your eyes. He slipped his hand into yours, slowly entangling your fingers as your lips curled up due to the gesture.

“I guess it is. What d’ya say we go wash up and you can be the last person I talk to before I go to sleep at night?” He swiped a piece of your hair behind your ear, and gave you a genuine smile. This was new. Well, not new but he rarely did this, even when you guys were together hanging out. You hid your face in your hands, the embarrassment blush creeping into your cheeks.

“Shut up.” You mumbled. “Nah. Ya’ asked for this.” He replied as he pulled your hands away from your face. You put up a fight, not ready to face the man with your cheeks being extra blushed. “C’mon. Where’s my pretty girl?” You felt weak in the knees as you looked up at him and pressed a soft, warm kiss to his lips.

“Theres my sunshine.” His smile now faltering to a smirk. He grabbed your hand and led you up the stairs into your room.

You both didn’t expect the outcome of tonight. The whole admitting your feelings, yelling in eachothers face to get them to understand that you loved them so fiercely you were willing to scream it at them, to hell with whoever eavesdropped. You both didn’t care who heard you that night. All that mattered was that you and Daryl now had eachother. Forever. That’s all that mattered.

“Do you think they saw us?” Tara looked down to the relaxed girl splayed on her lap.

“No I don’t think so. But I didn’t think Dixon had the balls to admit that to Y/N. Go him.” She laughed breathlessly as she took another swig of her wine.

“Ok because that would’ve been super awkward. Atleast we all don’t have to vomit in our mouths anymore after seeing how freaking clueless they were of eachothers feelings.” Tara looked up the stairs hearing the door close, and shower starting to run as she settled and finished her glass along with her friend.

“Dibs on telling Carol first!” Rosita shot up from her spot on Tara’s lap as she bolted out the back door, opening the gate to Carol and Ricks yard, bursting through the doors ready to tell the woman the news. Tara yelling incoherent curses as she didn’t make it in time behind Rosita to beat her to it. Their door slamming, echoing through the house and into the bathroom you and Daryl currently occupied.

“What was that?” Daryl asked as he looked down at you, your eyes closed as you washed the soap from your hair as he admired you doing it.

“I don’t know I think Rosita or Tara just got home. They’ll probably go straight to bed so we’re good until tomorrow.” Switching with Daryl, you scrubbed the soap in his hair out as the water washed the suds of his built frame.

You both continued your shower, totally unaware of the teasing you’d both receive for ‘finally making it official, Rick’s words not yours.

I guess you both would have to wait til the morning after you’ve woken up from the most blissful sleep you’d have in months before your friends had free reign. All that mattered was that you and yours were finally happy, with no more secrets. Just simply existing for the other, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

[sailorspica]

while kenny is officially very losely inspired by trevor phillips my mind instictively associates him more with characters like betty grof or ,especially, pearl from SU ("Everything I ever did, I did for her. Now she's gone, but I'm still here. Sometimes, I wonder if she can see me through your eyes.")

what characters slash things in general do you associate with the guy?

i was able to restrict this to three and god they get successively worse

ASOIAF's whole deconstruction of knighthood, in which the kingsguard is quite homosocial to begin with (vow of chastity/taking no wife) BUT i mainly mean davos seaworth, not kingsguard but a married, landed knight. hand mutilation old man yaoi meet cute? come on. uri does a lot less than than stannis, but the proportion of adoration to each king's actual rule is just. "king stannis is my god. he made me and blessed me with his trust." but flip stannis and davos' individual personalities/moral qualms/emotional constipation to get kenuri

two walton goggins characters, but mostly boyd crowder from justified. a quirk of this being recession-era cable and goggins' and the writers' hangups about portraying a sincere neo-nazi (as he is in the source material), boyd does less of a 180 than he's retconned to "jk, i only did all that for the prison clout/manpower." completely opposite end of the ideological spectrum, i defend kenny's body count as a net good for class warfare even though he did not care!!! not even about the ackermans!! and then i'm delusional and also project cooper howard/the ghoul from fallout on amazon

macheath from the threepenny opera, libretto elisabeth hauptmann and bertolt brecht. i was so thrown for a loop first encountering the name "kenny the ripper," not for jack the ripper who idgaf about but the penny dreadful, victorian tone of kenny's urban legend. mac is a yapper and hypocrite and genuinely monstrous criminal who nonetheless gets cool class-conscious lines shoehorned in the final scene before his would-be execution: "What’s a jemmy compared with a share certificate? What’s breaking into a bank compared with founding a bank? What’s murdering a man compared with employing a man?" his deepest relationship is not with his new wife or chorus of ex-girlfriends but his best friend from the army. the song introducing him is a runaway jazz/swing standard: lotte lenya in the original german, louis armstrong, nick cave (kind of bad but that's my man)

some others i've said more lightly: this political trajectory, toji fushiguro and implicitly the grand tradition of shounen deadbeats, the irishman. i also think if he stans any k-pop group it's red velvet

[queeniemay39]

Maybe I’m officially in my delusional era but I do NOT think that Max was behind that mask!

[petruchio]

Sorry if this is too nosy, but omg Caroline a new crush??

Say more, say more! You’ve been friends for a while? What does he do that makes your stomach flutter?? Why do we like him? Is he kind?? 👀

NOT TOO NOSY AT ALL i literally cant shut up about it to anyone who will listen to me LMAO!!!

here is the situation. so basically he is this guy who is sort of peripherally related to my college friend group and so for the last several months i've just sort of been seeing him around at parties and hangouts and stuff (i think we officially met at our mutual friend's friendsgiving party? but we went to college together so i've known who he is for a while but we just never really crossed paths in college)

ANYWAY. so like back in january or something we were at this house party and my roommate and i were talking to him for a while and then when we left she turned to me and was like "what the fuck was that." and i was like what? and she was like "why did i feel like paint drying on the wall, he only talked to you for that entire conversation" and i was like omg bc i also had thought he was being really nice to me but i hadn't really thought much of it until she said that. so then a couple months passed and we kept seeing each other around and i kind of was expecting something to happen between us but then it never did so i was just sort of like ok dang i guess i misinterpreted that and moved on.

well ANYWAY last friday we were out at the club and HE KISSED ME. and it was great and fun and blah blah blah but we haven't said anything about it since so i have no idea if it was like the start of something or just like a one time thing but i've been going insane ever since and i can't stop thinking about him.

and yes he's very kind :) but i dont know!! i have no idea what to expect but it's exciting because i haven't seriously had anything happen in my love life in so long other than my delusional crush on my ex and my flop online dating era so it's kind of exciting that even if it doesn't go anywhere i kind of did successfully pull off a friends to lovers scenario for myself even just for one night

[kookiecrush]

ig this is kinda triggered by the “as a jikooker, taekookers r deluded” comment…

im a taekooker but i rlly have these moments where i think we all must just be deluded (jkkers, tkkers, other shippers etc) bc everyone believes SO strongly that their ship is right and we all feel like we can back it up w “evidence”. jikookers genuinely see something btwn jm and jk and us taekookers genuinely see something between v and jk. i do feel like taekook makes the most sense logically (especially during the solo era) and i feel like i did a lot of research to come to that conclusion (including watching videos on a lot of other pairings like jikook), but i could rlly just have underlying biases that are making me see things between tk that my brain wants to see. to other shippers and fans tkkers r insane, to tkkers others r insane. so honestly aren’t we probably all insane lol ? ik it’s POSSIBLE that tk are together but it just seems so improbable. i often try to talk myself out of taekook bc like rly what r the chances of two members in the biggest band in the word actually secretly dating for like many years ? and they’ve been able to successfully hide it all this time ? and we believe they still are together ? idk it sounds too good/far-fetched to be true and like i can’t imagine a day coming way later on down the line where it would actually be confirmed or like super super obvious even without confirmation. but i can totally imagine a day where it comes out that jk is officially dating some girl or something like that and then we’d all be proven wrong. ik that leans into assuming heterosexuality is the default which is not good and i don’t believe that but i can’t help but to feel like nah we’re all just delusional and fantasizing and tk r not together. i do definitely believe v is queer in some way but maybe that’s all.

Maybe we are all delusional? I certainly thought the taekookers that actually believed taekook were together were delusional when I first started delving deeper into the ship. For a good while I was very resistant to the possibility of them being real. Because that's ridiculous, right? The clearer it became to me that there was actually something going on between taekook, the more and more I tried to deny it. So while confirmation bias is very much real, and I have no doubt that I'm guilty of it at times, it doesn't really apply to my actual belief in taekook because the foundations of that belief are built on a healthy amount of scepticism and doubt. I was looking for ways to disprove taekook, not confirm they were real. Yet here i am 🤷‍♀️

Is the idea of taekook so improbable, though? Wouldn't their situation have made it more likely, in fact? It's pretty obvious that there was an attraction between taekook when they were younger, that is something I'm confident of, and it's pretty easy for close friendship to turn into a romantic relationship when attraction and feelings are involved. Surely there's a higher chance of falling in love with someone when you spend all your time with them? It sounds like the perfect environment for something to develop to me.

In terms of them keeping their relationship a secret all these years, I highly doubt taekook's is the only hidden relationship going on. There's plenty of dating and relationships going on in secret within the industry. Idols have alluded to it many times. People have even got married or had a baby without anyone finding out, so I don't think taekook's situation is that much of a stretch.

You seem kind of bothered by the fact that you have doubts about taekook, but that's completely normal, anon. Realistically speaking, we can't say with 100% certainty that taekook are real, can we? You don't need to come to a concrete decision about taekook. You don't even have to believe in taekook at all. It doesn't have to be black and white. Think of it more like a spectrum. Maybe you're only at 60%. Maybe you'll never be sure about them. There's nothing wrong with that. I truly believe taekook are together but I also leave a little room for the possibility that I'm wrong.

At the end of the day, what everyone else believes is irrelevant. Just focus on what you believe, anon. There's no right or wrong decision. Honestly, I think some doubt and uncertainty is far better than just blindly believing everything. If we just accepted every random taekook theory without ever questioning anything then we really would be delusional.

[dearweirdme]

i’m sending this to a few tk blogs bc i’d like multiple people’s perspectives…

im a taekooker but i rlly have these moments where i think we all must just be deluded (jkkers, tkkers, other shippers etc) bc everyone believes SO strongly that their ship is right and we all feel like we can back it up w “evidence”. jikookers genuinely see something btwn jm and jk and us taekookers genuinely see something between v and jk. i do feel like taekook makes the most sense logically (especially during the solo era) and i feel like i did a lot of research to come to that conclusion (including watching videos on a lot of other pairings like jikook), but i could rlly just have underlying biases that are making me see things between tk that my brain wants to see. to other shippers and fans tkkers r insane, to tkkers others r insane. so honestly aren’t we probably all insane lol ? ik it’s POSSIBLE that tk are together but it just seems so improbable. i often try to talk myself out of taekook bc like rly what r the chances of two members in the biggest band in the word actually secretly dating for like many years ? and they’ve been able to successfully hide it all this time ? and we believe they still are together ? idk it sounds too good/far-fetched to be true and like i can’t imagine a day coming way later on down the line where it would actually be confirmed or like super super obvious even without confirmation. but i can totally imagine a day where it comes out that jk is officially dating some girl or something like that and then we’d all be proven wrong. ik that leans into assuming heterosexuality is the default which is not good and i don’t believe that but i can’t help but to feel like nah we’re all just delusional and fantasizing and tk r not together. i do definitely believe v is queer in some way but maybe that’s all.

Hi anon!

I think it's important to realize that it's okay to not actually believe in Tae and Jk being together (or any ship for that matter). Them being together or not does not actually effect your own life. So if you're in a state of "well, I definitely see some stuff going on, but I have no clue what it is exactly" that's totally fine. Uncertainty isn't a bad thing, you just have to be able to cope with it in a healthy way. Sometimes uncertain shippers do not know how to cope with the uncertainty very well, those are the ones who scrutinize every detail of every moment we get.. trying to find proof. I get it, but it's not the way to go, because that uncertainty will always return and you'll end up in a loop with no end. I think there's people that get actual anxiety because of this at times.

I know to non-shippers we (and other shippers) must all look insane. I don't think we actually are. Even though there are insane-ish tkkrs out there, that doesn't mean there can't be some truth to it as well. When you look around on twitter, youtube, instagram, Tumblr, you find all sorts of different Tkkrs. While we all fall under the term 'Taekooker' i'd say there's many different categories, which very different outlooks on the situation. For instance, technically I'd rather call myself a Taekook believer, while I suppose you are an actual shipper. There's also those that believe, but do not ship.

I'll tell you my reasons for not thinking I'm insane (😂😂). This sounds super stupid and arrogant (and I'm actually cringing while typing this up)... but I consider myself smart and insightfull. Have been all my life, and others have also told me they think of me the same. Basically, I trust my instincts and judgement. I've gone through life experiencing many different feelings, emotions, situations.. and I feel I just understand life and people. When it comes to Tae and Jk, I don't need all the overanalyzed stuff. I just see the way they look at each other and the way they interact and I feel I recognize romantic love there. I understand why it must seem 'too good to be true', but is it really? People so often fall in love with people they are in close proximity to. Coworkers falling in love isn't odd, best friends falling in love isn't odd, celebrities falling in love isn't odd... so why would Tae and Jk be the exception? It isn't even weird for two members in the same band to fall in love or be married... it is just odd to see two members of a K-pop band in love... but is the reason that it doesn't happen, or that it isn't made public?

When you look at celebrities that have come out, you will very often see that they as well have kept it a secret for many years. Idols are expected to keep their relationships hidden anyway, so for Tae and Jk this isn't very much different in that aspect, only there's an added reason. I don't think Namjoon, Jimin, Yoongi, Hobi, and Jin have been single the last ten years.. and we know nothing of their relationships either.

I don't think their relationship has been easy and I expect there have probably been many difficulties along the way. But when I see how they are together this year.. I definitely think their love was stronger than the things that got thrown in their way.

I think it's good to be sceptical. I try to be as well.

[hanniedream]

i am officially back in my "delusional about seokmin" era

[holyguardian]

I have entered my delusional era where I am combining Jormungandr (my friends namesake) and Final Fantasy XIV (our unhealthy obsession) through Midgardsormr.

But do you think there is any clear official art of that dragon? A scrap of what their character model clearly looks like? No, it's all obscure shadows and him tangled in a metal wreck.

The most I have scratched up was this art from a random lore video and I can't even find the source. It was possibly an art slide from a patch update for all I know, or from one of the art books.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo to honour my late friend. I know it's too fresh for me to rush into anything permanent, but the good thing about a tattoo like this is it would take a lot of time to organise it between costs, the artwork, actually booking in for appointments and feeling "ready".

[catb-fics]

Don’t wanna be a damper because this is supposed to be a happy time for us but I’m melancholic. I obviously knew bondy and bob were out but actually seeing they weren’t part of showtime stings. I wasn’t delusional expecting them to change their minds, but it still hurts a little to see the new era has officially begun without them. And the whole benji thing is a mystery. Catfish were a huge part of my teenage years, I started listening to them when I was 16 and I’m 25 now, it’s bittersweet. But nonetheless it’s so good to have van back (and benji most probably) and I’m excited for what’s coming. Hope I didn’t ruin anyone’s mood, just felt like I needed to get this off my chest 😭

Awww don’t feel bad lovely, I think a lot of us are feeling this way too. Just because we’re happy for Van it doesn’t mean that we’re not still missing Bob and Bondy. It really is bittersweet. I’m deffo still grieving and wishing I could see the whole band together rather than just Van. Catb for me is still those 4. I’m excited for a new era and I love that Van’s doing his own thing but ngl I’m a little sad it appears to be a solo project atm, I can’t help it 😔

On a brighter note though did you see that Bob and Bondy appear to be making some music together or at least having a little jam session or something. Love that they’re still close 🖤

[ichigo-sutaadyy]

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ Fan Fiction, or Teen Fiction? ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

☆.tw: none ☆.subject: book preference ☆.date posted: 04/06/2023 ☆.pics credit to owners

I've been in the web novel area for some time now (Wattpad addict est. 2015) and what makes me stay THIS long under the scrutiny of my beloved electronic devices, is because of my desire to keep racking through the catalogue for scrumptious pieces of anime character x reader books.

On a rainy Saturday night, a question suddenly popped into my head; what makes me prefer fan fiction over teen fiction? As I grow older and wiser (not), many would say I should've upgraded my taste in books. And I think I did? Besides web novels, I've also read a bunch of hard-copy books. But before those books, it was actually fan fiction books that helped me grow.

Living in Indonesia as a teenage girl until recently (turning 20 now), Wattpad only had been a hit among teenagers around 2019. Based on my survey, their preferred genre would be teen fiction. I read some of them in my early teenage years, both in English and Bahasa Indonesia. Though, it wasn't for long.

Soon I was drawn into the world of fan fiction, the endlessly creative AU world of Harry Styles and our dearest Y/N. I was (without a filter) introduced to many sub-genres, many writing styles, many vocabularies, and more. The authors were mighty creative with their stories and their writings really affect me until now. A dystopian-themed story of an underworld rebellious community, an ancient kingdom-themed story of y/n as the lost princess, Mafia-themed, Horror, and many else; they succeeded in quenching my thirst for an adventurous and fantastical life--a life that's impossible for me to experience. Tbh those books made me feel like I've literally lived through so many kinds of life. It felt like cheating, but it wasn't (?)

Ultimately, the stories evolved around me and my favourite person. I mean, how could I not refuse? So, my love for fan fiction continues, even as my interest changed.

Now, in my weeb era, a habit of combing through the internet for anime fan fiction that suited my taste starts. One thing that must be noted is that my previous (delusional) escapades with Mr Harry Styles gifted me a sharp eye for excellent quality, tummy-filling, finger-licking-good books that had met under my several conditions. Yes, I've officially developed a type for books.

Within the anime fandom, things got even wilder. Not tied with the laws of reality at all, anime fan fiction is able to fully explore the world beyond our imagination. The internet mostly has fan fiction of everyone; the Uchiha hotties (Madara, Itachi, Shisui, and Obito), Neji Hyuga, Eren Jaeger, Mikasa Ackerman, Kuroo Tetsurou, Kenma Kozume, Toji Fushiguro, Nanami Kento, Sukuna Ryomen, Kibutsuji Muzan--I really can't mention them all because there're so many. Some follow the anime/manga's storyline, while others create a whole new universe. The authors are very unique--especially the ones that are here on Tumblr. They create visuals, themes, and even music playlists for us readers to get into the story even more. Soon Wattpad writers do the same. The stories aren't limited to a character x reader only, some authors provide an OC as the lead character. Also, it's really fun to read through the comments and interact with people that have their interests lined with yours.

Based on my readings on these web novels, fan fiction easily wins over teen fiction, because in fan fiction I feel more involved with the character I love--that I am already familiar with--in a world that had been crafted by the authors. Social interactions with people that are similar to me (hello Toji stan) are also a plus. It's just so fun to simp over a character with others. And, it's refreshing to read a book where your favourite character is out of character. It's like you're seeing a different side of them, one that you cannot see on screen.

Finally, there go my paragraphs of personal opinion about preferences over fan fiction and teen fiction. I hope it can help you readers to realize some things, or maybe just to fill up your free time. In no way am I trying to degrade teen fiction authors, or authors for other genres. My mean for writing this is to share reasons why fan fiction is more of my cup of tea, rather than teen fiction.

That is all from me. Thank you for reading my spontaneous mug of insight, and see you next time!

-Ibi.

☆.tags: