#ofc i HAD to write a coda for this one come on

[henwilsonmd]

post 6x18: some out-of-order vignettes | ao3

4251 words

“Buck,” said Eddie, trying to school his face into something less fond and amused. “That’s my couch.”

Buck turned from where he’d been happily showing off the new piece of furniture he’d gotten with Natalia the day prior. “What?”

“The couch,” Eddie repeated, with a quirk of his eyebrow. “You bought my exact couch.”

“No,” Buck replied with a shake of his head. “No, it’s definitely different.”

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Eddie looked at it—a three-seater in dark blue, velvet-y fabric with square corners and deep seats to accommodate his long legs. They’d picked out some nice white decorative pillows for it, and it’s certainly brand-new looking, but—

“It’s totally the same.” Eddie gave up on hiding his smile.

Buck looked back to the couch, tilting his head to scrutinize it. After a moment, he sighed, planting his hands on his hips. “Ah, fuck. It’s totally the same.”

Eddie groaned, letting his head thump back onto the edge of the cot behind him. “The pain meds are definitely kicking in.”

“Well, good,” snarked Buck from a chair next to him, attention half-focused on his phone in his hands. “That’s what they’re supposed to do.”

Eddie sighed, long-suffering. “You too?”

“Yes, Eddie, me too.” Buck replied, thumbs flying as he tapped out something on the screen in his hands. Probably to Maddie. Probably about Chim. Who was probably okay. “Your ribs are fucking broken.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, staring at the ceiling. “And I know what they feel like. I’m fine, there was—other stuff going on.” He thought about that paramedic from the 133 shining a penlight into Hen’s eyes, frowning like he didn’t like the results and going back in to do it again. He thought about the constant jitter of Buck’s leg next to him, the constant worry for Bobby and Chimney who’d taken the other two ambulances before the three of them had managed to squeeze into another cab. “Besides,” Eddie pulled himself back on track. “Did you even get checked out?” He leveled Buck with a look that he hoped had more energy behind it than he had left.

Buck shrugged, powering off his phone with a click. “I’m fine.”

“There’s blood all over your face,” Eddie pointed out.

“Hen cleaned most of it up already.”

“There was more?”

“That’s—Eddie, I’m fine,” Buck said, turning towards him. “I scraped up my cheek and bit my tongue when I fell, and, sure, I’ll be a little bruised, but I’m fine.”

“You lost consciousness,” Eddie pointed out, and he swallowed around a dry throat.

“How… how did you know that?” Buck stuttered in reply.

Eddie gave his own shrug, picking at the edge of the right kneepad on his turnout pants. “I didn’t pass out. I radioed right after I’d gotten my bearings, but no one answered. Then, like, thirty seconds later you must have woken up.”

Buck, for a moment, held Eddie’s gaze with something so unbelievably devastated, and guilty—like the thought of not being able to answer Eddie’s call was the worst possible thing that had happened that day. Then he flicked his eyes down to the floor. “Okay, s-so, like, thirty seconds. I’m fine, Eddie. Really.”

Eddie frowned, thinking about those thirty seconds—an unbearable weight on his back, a growing pain in his chest, and the clawing panic as he listened to the silence stretching out on the other side of the radio and fought the mounting urge to plead, I’m still alive, please, I’m still alive down here.

And then how he’d breathed a hugely painful sigh of relief when Buck finally asked for a headcount, how he’d fumbled into his pocket for his St. Christopher medal and prayed—something he hadn’t done since that awful week of the coma. Prayed that he’d come home safe to his son, but also that Buck would be careful—that he wouldn’t do something stupid and destructive and reckless to save any of them.

That heady rush of gratitude when Buck had sawed the doors open, taking off his safety goggles and assessing Eddie’s situation with a calculating, heavy gaze.

Next to him, Buck cleared his throat, shifting in the chair. “Anyway, you broke three ribs, man. Let the meds do their job.”

Eddie huffed a laugh, leaning back into the pillows behind him. “Trust me, they are.”

Eddie sipped his Diet Coke, beer off-limits because he was still taking the Tylenol threes. “So, you finally got a new couch.”

“I had a couch before,” Buck pointed out, a matching soda in his hand for solidarity. “Kameron just—y’know, gave birth all over it.”

“Yeah,” Eddie said, snorting a soft laugh. “That must have been wild.”

Buck chuckled. “The baby didn’t want to wait, I guess.”

“Impatient little guy,” Eddie said. “Must be those Buckley genes.”

“Hey,” Buck protested, pointing a finger. “I can be plenty patient.”

“Sure,” Eddie agreed placatingly, but be noticed how there seemed to be something more behind the mirth in Buck’s eyes—the plastic pieces at the edges of his smile. He fought the urge to say I told you so—mostly because it would have been childish, but also because Buck hadn’t asked for his opinion at any step of the way, and Eddie hadn’t offered.

Eddie decided to wait him out—usually the best course of action when it came to Buck. Eddie understood intimately how much time it could take to parse through a mess of feelings in your brain and formulate them into words that would make sense to another person. Usually, Eddie would sit quietly and sip his beer while watching Buck’s feelings play out on his unguarded face, and after a minute or two Buck would haltingly begin to explain what had been going on with him.

Eddie had tried to explain that to Maddie when they’d both been nearly sick with worry over Buck’s post-coma mental state. “He’ll come to you when he’s ready,” Eddie had said over the phone. “You can’t force him to talk about it.”

“Eddie, you don’t know him like I do,” Maddie had protested. “He shouldn’t be alone right now.”

And Eddie had opened his mouth to say no, actually, I know him better than you, I know him better than anyone, but—that’s not true, is it? Why would Eddie know Buck better than his own sister, who’s spent the entire thirty years of his life caring for him, when Eddie’s only had him for—what, five years? Then subtract all the things they didn’t talk to each other about and all the issues they’ve had, and—yeah, who is Eddie to say what’s best for Buck?

And then Buck had knocked on his door and passed out on his couch and Eddie had felt righteously vindicated in a way that he almost wanted to rub in Maddie’s face, which was kind of bitchy of him to think.

So, Buck sipped his soda next to Eddie on his new couch, a storm of emotions clear on his face, and Eddie waited him out because that’s what he does.

Buck let out a sigh, and Eddie thought, here it is, he’ll let me in, and then— “Want to watch the Dodgers game?”

Eddie blinked. “Um, sure.”

And Buck turned on the TV.

Doubt roiled in Eddie’s gut.

“What about Hen?” Eddie asked, Buck’s hand tight on his arm as he helped him into the passenger seat of the Jeep.

“Karen already took her home, she’s fine,” Buck replied easily, before he shut the door and rounded the front of the car.

He’d left when Eddie had been taken back for x-rays, taking an Uber back to the station to pick up his car so he could come back to get Eddie and drive them both home. Eddie absently wondered when he would get a chance to get his truck from the station parking lot.

Buck hopped into the driver’s seat, fitting his keys in the ignition but pausing before turning the engine. He fixed Eddie with a gentle, reassuring look. “Seriously, man, everyone’s fine. Athena’s with Bobby, Maddie’s with Chim, let’s go home.”

Eddie swallowed, biting the inside of his cheek as he thought about just how close literally every single one of them except Ravi had come to something far more serious than some hospital bills and time off work.

His gaze slid to Buck, who flashed him that small, soft, close-mouthed smile that Eddie rarely saw—the one that made his chest feel warm and gooey.

“Okay. Let’s go home.”

The Dodgers were losing, and Buck wasn’t talking about it. Eddie tried not to either of those things get to him.

During a commercial break, Buck got up to throw their empty pizza boxes away, waving Eddie off as he moved to help.

When he came back into the living room, he paused under the overhang of the loft, just staring at Eddie.

“What?” he asked, a bit self-conscious.

Buck huffed a laugh, shaking his head. “I can’t believe I bought your couch.”

Eddie snorted. “Don’t worry about it, man. It’s flattering. You think I have good taste.”

Buck raised an eyebrow. “I don’t know if that’s it. Half the furniture in your house is from Target.”

Eddie sputtered. “I—what’s wrong with Target furniture?”

Buck, lowering himself back onto the cushions next to Eddie, raised his hands in a show of innocence. “Nothing, man. I just—I don’t know if I would call it good taste.”

Having no comeback, Eddie just whacked him in the shoulder.

Buck laughed, playfully pushing his hand away. “Hey, c’mon, don’t start shit when I can’t retaliate.”

Eddie smirked. “Why? ‘Cause you know you can’t take me?”

“No,” Buck denied. “’Cause your ribs are still fucking broken.”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Buck.”

“Well.” Buck crossed his arms, turning back to the TV as the next inning started. “Forgive me for wanting to be careful.”

For a moment, Eddie considered saying hey, maybe we should talk about how I could’ve almost died again? But Buck clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk about the big things, and Eddie didn’t really want to think about that yet either, so he settled for bumping their shoulders together.

Buck leaned right back into him, and neither of them moved apart—the comforting warmth of the contact buzzing in Eddie’s brain like the alcohol he wasn’t drinking.

Eddie smiled down at his hands. “You like my couch,” he teased.

“Yeah, yeah,” Buck groused, slouching into the cushions as they watched a batter swing and miss yet again. “Don’t let it go to your head.”

“Are you sure you’re both alright?” Carla asked, a worried hand hovering over his elbow. “I caught some of the collapse on the news.”

Eddie flashed her a smile before turning to pour two glasses of water—one for him and one for Buck, who was off in Christopher’s room. “We’re okay,” he said. “A little banged up, but the doctors said I should be back to work in six weeks or less.”

Carla narrowed her eyes. “You better take that full six weeks.”

Eddie set the Brita down and met her gaze. “I’m fine, Carla. Really.”

She sighed, crossing her arms. “I just—I worry about you, Eddie. Okay? I know you’d rather I didn’t, but I can’t help it.”

Eddie ducked his head and smiled, a bit, filled with that familiar half-disbelief that people really do care about him. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but—I was lucky today. That nothing worse happened, that—that Buck was there to pull me out.”

Carla scoffed. “Of course he was. I don’t think luck had anything to do with that one.”

Eddie tried to fight the blush off his cheeks—he didn’t know what to do with that. Carla’s surety that Buck would save him come hell or high water. His own surety that Buck would be ripping open the doors of that camper van any second now.

When she realized he wasn’t going to say anything, Carla cleared her throat. “I should go. You up for a hug?”

“From you?” Eddie responded easily. “Always.”

Carla pulled him into a gentle-but-still-desperate embrace. “Okay, I’ll get out of your hair.” With a frown, she brought a hand up to ruffle the wilting mess on Eddie’s head. “Your dusty-ass hair. Take a shower, alright?”

Eddie laughed. “Alright, alright.”

“It’s a little early for a welcome back party, don’t you think?” Eddie said as Athena hugged him in greeting, Christopher heading off in search of the other kids.

“You and Bobby are headed back tomorrow,” Athena pointed out.

“Yeah, and Chimney’s not back for another two weeks.”

“And you best believe I’ll throw another party for him.”

Eddie laughed, before venturing further into the house to greet everyone else. His ribs had healed perfectly, barely a twinge when he’d thrown himself onto the couch in triumph yesterday. Which—speaking of, Eddie’s phone was burning a hole in his pocket and he was doing a very good job of ignoring that.

Or, he was, until a lull in conversation found him standing alone in the kitchen and pulling it out of his jeans. No texts. Which—of course, they’d agreed to go for coffee after his shift on Friday, why would she text him before that—but, still. Eddie was nervous. Sue him.

His thumbs hover over the keyboard for a moment while he debates if it’s too much of a desperate move to text Marisol before they even go on a date. Christopher would know.

“Who are you texting?” asked a voice, and Eddie fumbled to turn off his phone and shove it in his pocket before someone could see… what?

He looked up to see Buck smiling at his antics, a beer in hand.

“Oh, it’s you,” Eddie sighed, leaning against the counter.

Buck sidled over to join him, staring out the windows at the backyard where the party was in full swing. “Just me. Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s fine,” Eddie replied, for some reason hoping desperately that Buck wouldn’t ask him about—

“So,” Buck nudged an elbow into his arm. “Who were you texting?”

—fuck. Eddie wasn’t sure why this felt like something he didn’t want to tell Buck, to whom he tells everything, but… they don’t really talk about their girlfriends? It was always, always awkward, and it always left him with a sour taste in his mouth.

But, Eddie’s excited about this. Marisol probably won’t be the one, or whatever, but—still. Eddie was excited that his brain was finally in a place where he could think about opening up his life to someone and it wouldn’t send him into a panic attack that landed him in the ER.

And Buck asked.

And Eddie’s not in the habit of saying no to him.

“Um,” he started. “Do you remember Marisol? From the—”

“—yeah, yeah!” Buck cut him off. “So, you were texting her?” He raised his eyebrows, a knowing glint in his gaze.

Eddie blushed. “Yeah, uh… we’re going on a date?” he said quietly, a pit of dread or something similar opening in his gut.

Buck was quiet for a moment, and Eddie risked a glance at his face. He just caught the edge of something shocked and maybe fearful in his expression before it cleared and was replaced by one of those huge, sunny smiles.

“Eddie!” Buck exclaimed. “That’s great! Oh my god, man, this is awesome,” he enthused, slinging an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and squeezing him close.

“Yeah,” Eddie chuckled, still unsure why part of him felt sick with guilt.

“Hey, ever notice how we always start dating at the same time?”

“No, do we?” Eddie lied, thinking about how he’d agonized over making the call and kept telling himself Buck’s with Natalia now, you should do this.

Buck laughed again, before he jolted with surprise and turned to Eddie, excitedly slapping him on the arm. “Dude! We can go on double dates now!”

Eddie frowned. “We didn’t last time.”

Buck shrugged. “Well, you didn’t like Taylor, so I figured—”

“I liked Taylor,” Eddie protested.

Buck snorted. “Uh, no, you didn’t.”

Eddie tilted his head in a you-got-me face. “I kind of didn’t. I thought you didn’t notice.”

Buck dropped his arm around Eddie’s shoulders again, making Eddie huff out a breath. “Oh, Edmundo, I always notice.”

No you don’t, Eddie thought, and then he ignored that.

“But,” Buck continued, a hesitation in his voice. “You—you like Natalia, right?”

Eddie didn’t really know her at all, except for how excited she’d been about Buck’s death-that-didn’t-stick and how angry that had made him. “Yeah,” Eddie lied again. “She’s good for you. And she has good taste in couches.”

Buck laughed, relieved. “Good. So—we’ll do a double date, yeah? Me, you, Natalia, Marisol.”

Fuck, no. Eddie thought. That sounds awful.

“Yeah, sure,” Eddie said instead. “That sounds great.”

Eddie was in the kitchen, pre-heating the oven to heat up some frozen chicken tenders because he didn’t have the energy to cook anything else when he felt little arms wrap gently around his midsection. It hurt his ribs, but Eddie didn’t have the heart to dislodge his son—not when these hugs were becoming rarer and rarer each day.

“Hey, kid,” Eddie said, turning in the hold and dropping a hand onto Christopher’s head. “What’s up?”

Eddie had already seen him, when he popped his head into Christopher’s room to find him sitting with Buck, a careful hand brushing the wounds on the man’s cheek. The sight had made something massive and unknowable bloom inside Eddie’s broken chest, threatening to choke him. He’d tamped it down and hugged Chris hello before heading off to shower, but apparently that hadn’t been enough.

Chris looked up, propping his chin on Eddie’s sternum. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, a tightness in his voice betraying him.

Eddie smiled. “Me too.” Even though it sparked the ache in his side into a bona-fide pain, Eddie leaned over to drop a kiss onto Christopher’s head—something he barely tolerates anymore. “Hey, the doctors said I’d be good as new in six weeks. Think you can deal with having me around all the time for that long?”

Chris laughed, bright and happy, and Eddie’s heart sang. “I’ll try,” he joked, and then something clouded passed over his face. “Buck’s okay, too, right? His face is bloody.”

“Oh, buddy,” Eddie sighed. Usually, he would kneel down to meet Christopher’s gaze, but he settled for easing himself into a chair and ignoring the concerned look Chris was giving him. “Buck’s totally fine, he just got scraped up a little bit. And today was pretty—pretty scary. For both of us.” He swallowed down the urge to berate himself for telling his kid he was scared, and it seemed to be the right move, because Chris nodded along with wide, careful eyes.

Eddie sighed again, settling his hands on his son’s shoulders. “But—tell you what. Buck’s gonna stay with us tonight, and he’s pretty bad at taking care of himself, right?” Chris giggled at that, and Eddie smiled in response. “So you and I are gonna have to be sneaky about taking care of him tonight, okay?”

Eddie expected Chris to give another sweet smile, and maybe to offer some comfort so earnest and childlike in its innocence that it made everything in the world feel right again, so he wasn’t quite sure to do when Chris burst out into loud, raucous laughter.

“Okay, what’s so funny?” he said, playing at being annoyed.

“It’s just,” Chris managed through his massive smile. “That’s exactly what Buck said. About you!”

Eddie just blinked in response, and Chris fell into peals of laughter again. “Okay,” Eddie said with mock-offense. “Okay, I see how it is. Gang up on the injured guy, why don’t you.”

“Da-ad,” Chris whined, fixing him with a very grown-up look. “We just care about you.”

Eddie pursed his lips, that unknown emotion threatening to drown him again. “Yeah,” he said, more choked-up than he would like. “I know.”

A small hand covered his, and Eddie flipped his own over to give it a squeeze. “Why don’t you go put on the next episode of María, okay? We’ll translate for Buck.”

Chris smirked. “You mean you’ll translate for Buck.”

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short, kid,” Eddie offered as Chris disappeared into the living room.

And later, when they were all piled on the couch, Christopher giggling at Eddie’s half-assed translations and Buck protesting that he understands more Spanish than you think, guys, the newest dose of pain meds forced upon him by Buck making his head more than a bit fuzzy, Eddie thought to himself: I wish it could be like this forever.

Buck shouted in exaggerated outrage to make Chris laugh, gesturing at some ridiculous plot point playing out on the screen, and Eddie let that huge wave of feeling bowl him over—that world-ending, all-consuming love.

Just this. Forever.

“Hold on, let me get this straight,” Hen said, a hand raised to keep Eddie quiet. “He has this whole thing about his girlfriends being couches, and the couch he finally bought is your couch?”

Feeling somehow embarrassed, Eddie just nodded. Hen shared a smirk with Chimney, sitting on the lawn chair that Maddie hadn’t let him move from for the entire party.

“That’s like—almost romantic,” Chimney snorted.

“What?” Eddie said.

“He’s been looking for the perfect couch, but it was yours all along!” Chim crowed, and Hen dissolved into giggles. She was definitely more than a little drunk.

“It’s so sweet, Eddie, come on,” she needled.

“Well, sure, but—” Eddie sputtered. “—romantic? Come on, guys.”

“No, you—you come on.” Hen said around a hiccup. “You guys are—Buck and Eddie! Eddie and Buck!”

“Yeah,” Eddie replied with a frown. “And you guys are Hen and Chim.”

“Nah, no, no, no,” Chim said with a wagging finger. “It’s not the same.”

“How is it not the same?” Eddie threw his hands in the air, one hampered by the half-full bottle in his hand. “You guys are partners, just like us.”

“Yeah, but,” Hen said. “You guys are partners,” she explained, trying for some hand gesture that must have gotten lost in the all the alcohol and rush of the party because she just ended up clasping her hands together awkwardly.

“You guys are crazy,” Eddie said with a long-suffering shake of his head.

“And you’re crazy about Buck,” Hen said in an it’s-so-obvious whisper.

Eddie drew back. “What?”

“Hen—” Chimney started, a hand on her arm.

She shook him off. “No, I gotta—Eddie, you and Buck are like, perfect for each other. You love him, right?” Her eyes were wide and earnest behind her glasses.

“Of course I do,” Eddie said automatically.

Hen gestured emphatically, whacking Chim on the shoulder like this proved her point.

“Hen,” Eddie said gently. “Did you forget that I’m straight?”

Hen scowled, like she did not want to be reminded of this fact. “Okay, but like—if Buck was a girl, you would have asked him out by now. You’d be like—fucking married by now.”

Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but found his mind stuck on Hen’s words. If Buck was a girl. Him and Buck, married. Eddie felt far drunker than he should be off just one and a half beers.

“Eddie, ignore her,” Chim cut in.

Hen frowned. “I’m going to find Karen,” she declared.

Eddie watched her retreating form, unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth. “He’s my best friend,” he said belatedly.

“Eddie.” Chimney kicked his leg. “Ignore her, okay? She’s drunk.”

“Yeah, but—” Eddie started.

“Look,” Chim sighed. “We joke about you and Buck sometimes, okay?”

“You do?” Eddie asked.

“Little stuff,” Chimney assured. “Just, like, you’re each other’s favorite person and you’re missing what’s right in front of you, or whatever.”

Eddie opened his mouth to respond, to refute—what?—but Chim continued.

“But they’re just jokes, okay? We know you’re both straight. I mean, it’d be great if you weren’t, or whatever, but that’s not the world we live in.”

Eddie’s jaw closed with a click. He sipped his beer.

“He’s your best friend.” Eddie looked back to Chimney. “And that’s—” He seemed to search Eddie’s face for a moment. “That’s enough, right?”

Eddie swallows. “Yeah. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Exactly,” Chim agreed with an easy smile. “So, don’t worry about it, okay? She’s just drunk and forgot that we don’t make those jokes in front of you guys.”

Eddie nodded. “Right. Besides, Buck has a girlfriend, and—I have a date on Friday, so…”

“You have a date on Friday?” Chimney exclaimed. “That’s great!”

“Yeah,” Eddie agreed, voice flat.

Chimney clapped him on the forearm, unable to reach his shoulder from his sitting position. “Look, man, you’ll find that perfect girl-version of Buck out there, okay? I believe.”

Eddie chuckled. “Sure.”

He looked out to the party—his eyes immediately found Buck, head thrown back in laughter at something Athena had said. The string lights of the backyard made his styled curls shine with a honey-colored fire, his fingers curled carelessly around the neck of a beer bottle made Eddie’s mouth feel suddenly dry.

Just this. Just you, Eddie thought.

“You’re right,” he said to Chimney with a hollow smile. “I’ll find someone.”

[sukunasun]

I finished the "Say It's Here" sequel and gosh, I'm bowled over! I feel like your understanding of each character's psychology has been heightened since the original was published and It's so impressive! I particularly enjoyed how economical you were with the descriptions according to each character's personality, motivation and dynamic with the protagonist

Also, my god, not higuruma hiromi being the highest quality rebound ever???? Currently obsessed with him and it's kinda funny/sad how many parallels people draw between him and Nanami, understandably, but I LOVE that you flesh out their distinctions here too. Not quite a cameo but he feels more fully realised and real(?) in his short scene than in some entire pics revolving around him that I've read! I quiver to consider what you'd unleash upon the world with a full fledged fic for him (with a different reader character ofc)

But Srsly how does she keep hooking such hotties

Higuruma's "ruthless" rationale and observations is rather kind in its own way, and I thoroughly enjoyed how accurate it felt and also that the reader doesn't mistake it for anything affectionate or coddling. I find that clarity extremely appealing about him, plus it must feel so ridiculously refreshing to the reader character after all the guesswork and her ordeal with nanami

I also think that's one of the more satisfying distinctions you make with their portrayals; nanami (initially) employs logic as a coping mechanism, whereas it's hiromi's basis for functioning, a bit like a bug versus a feature?

At least in accordance with canon events, I think that mindset translates well, nanami's response to traumatic incidences in his formative years whereas hiromi had this rationality inform his life's work?

Especially when ambiguity is often the fulcrum for romantic tension (will they/won't they), my mind short-circuits and a little shiver goes down my spine at the thought of Hiromi instead bluntly telling someone: Us? Sure, Why not?

And then calmly proceeds to decimate every excuse one tries to tank their own dating prospects. You can't filibuster flirting with this man, he's so fucking direct (and vice versa 🤭, sometimes a gal just wants a classic Dom yknow. God, i need help)

A N Y

W A Y

Nanami feels more than he lets on in this story, Hiromi is exactly what you expect - which is such an interesting lesson or refraction for the reader character in managing her expectations and self-doubt

Nanami's grovelling feels mostly earned, maybe because it's been a while since I read Say It's Here his interiority is a tad more obscured, or cause the sequel more heavily focuses on reader's POV, which is really well assisted by suguru's commentary/probing/ribbing. Special shoutout to satoru's point blank shit stirring (he and hiromi would be fabulous frenemies)

Also love the open ending because ironically it feels better than emotional closure??? Or probably the finality of her rejecting nanmi again, oof. It's such a satisfying coda oddly i (almost) don't want this story to continue. What a magic trick!

There's such finesse in all the characterisations here, even without my massive bias for higuruma I'd be rereading this a dozen times!

;__; im so sorry this response is so late but thank you so much for sending this in. i'm so glad you got to read the piece!

i care more for the opinions of nanami stans for being able to write/understand him and his appeal in a way i can't. still, i try my best to offer something worthwhile. the open ending was more because i couldn't decide the best outcome for the reader and nanami. there were moments i thought about writing an epilogue to hint at the possibility of them getting back together but i've decided it's best to leave it up for interpretation. after all, nanami comes off to me as someone who wouldn't need a 'yes' right away.

also re: higuruma— gahh i was so uncertain if i did him justice, so thank you for noticing that distinction. often i'll write and delete and write again because i worry if it wasn't clear enough. to me, he's very different to nanami. not even the same sides of a coin. still, i get the comparison. both have been strung into the dilf narrative so often i forget that nanami is literally three years older than me.

[hms-tardimpala]

Hi! If you don't mind answering for the truth & dare ask game: 🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction? 🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings (any fandom/ship ofc) 🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

Thank you xx

You know me, I love to play ask games!

🍓 ⇢ how did you get into writing fanfiction?

Late, and unexpectedly. In November 2022, I was working a job I didn't like in a landlocked city, so I decided to rewatch Hawaii 5-0. I'm not a fan of copaganda, but it's a show from my childhood, I have lots of good memories tied to it, and I was missing the sea and the vibes from back home very much (and Hawaii is reminiscent of these). With an adult eye, I interpreted the main relationship of the show as a queer-coded romance. And there's this episode where they're on a stakeout, and its. A fanfiction trope from beginning to end. Complete with "maybe we should pretend we're gay". I sat and wrote a one-page sort of character study, shelved that, and wrote a 10k coda for the episode.

I was so happy to be writing fanfic, because nothing had inspired me enough before, but I wanted to be a fic writer to share that with my tumblr and discord friends.

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings (any fandom/ship ofc)

I'm almost pathologically attached to canon, as a writer and enjoyer of media, so my brain rarely wanders into headcanon territory. But you know what, I'm gonna come out with it and talk about a ship I've never (ish) talked about, if not one a favorite ship of mine.

Fetch/Khay. I can just see it, okay (I can go into details of why on discord if you want). My headcanon is that it's very possible they had sex on the way to Incarva. Before or after they were parted from Theo, I don't know. Maybe it happened several times and they caught habits. If they did, Fetch definitely lets her burn him too much before he tells her it hurts, and he likes it.

🦋 ⇢ share something that has been on your heart and mind lately

It's not very happy, but I miss my friends a bit. You know how adult life is. Some times are busier than others, there are low and high tides in the activity of a friend group. I love my friends and I know they love me, and we love talking together and being a part of each other's daily lives, so I know it'll pick up eventually. But it's a quiet time right now and I miss them. I'm wondering how I could remedy this, what I could do.

Thank you so much for sending me this ask, Nara, I loved it <3

[missoblaine]

I have a few of these I am interested in!!!

Like "How to Give a Damn Good BJ?" I feel like if anyone is qualified to write that it's you and I want to know more.

Also "a starlit coda" sounds so magical, I am so intrigued!!

okay ily bye

hello Eva! 💜 lol I've pretty much told you about all of these just not with official titles haha so this will probably be somewhat familiar!

'How to Give a Damn Good Blowjob' came about after one of your beta comments made me feel very proud of my blowjob-writing skills 😂 Basically, the premise is Naruto and Sasuke are creative writing students and roommates/best friends who are tasked with writing a short smut piece for an icebreaker with their eccentric and chaotic fiction tutor (Kakashi lol - also, let's just pretend that a university would actually allow this 😅). Something something, the barest amount of plot happens and Sasuke has to blow Naruto for "research" 🤣 It was my attempt at developing a pure PWP but, ofc, me being me, I had to come up with a reason for them to be doing it. Idk if I will actually write this anytime soon, I feel like the tone and dynamic is still nebulous but you will likely be first to hear about it when I inevitably message you to figure something lol

'a starlit coda' is the SNS Merchants of the Dark Road follow up to 'you illuminate me' that I may have briefly mentioned (I forget though haha). I said a little bit about it in my reply to angelselene's ask here but, just for you, I will share the first sentence (which is, at the time of writing, relatively unchanged since I first planned it in Sept last year):

The merchants of the dark road speak of a trading company comprised of two young men—one who glows like the sun, the other silent and dark like the moon.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Bethyl Head Canons. Just Cuz.

@galadrieljones:

Also I was just scrolling your latest insta posts and got to thinking about that line: “There’s no escape for the living.” Hmm. How can I overanalyze this right now? Lol. Well I’m going to first deep dive into the syntax. 

The assertion that there’s no escape for the living comes with an obvious inversion: There is only escape for the dead. That means you can leave the CRM if you’re dead. This makes sense, in a mafia sort of way. Once you know what you know, you can’t go free. You can’t make that choice anymore. You are a hostage. 

Thinking back to Coda. What if…and this is just a major what if and something I’d never really considered till now, so just hear me out—what if Beth is NOT inside the CRM? What if she is in hiding from the CRM? 

Like Mary Magdalene, protected by her Knights Templar from the murderous faction Opus Dei. Beth is only able to leave Grady once she’s “dead.” And her death is shrouded in inconsistencies. We’ve speculated that somebody was actually never going to let Beth leave alive that day. There’s no escape for the LIVING. So she died. But then what if she was recovered in time, and saved? 

Now we’re going into head canon zone: what If Edwards, desperate for redemption, finds her after TF loses track of her and saves her life? In Slabtown there’s a curious line about him telling Dawn they need a CAT scan machine. What if he got one? From the CRM ofc. He saves Beth and she recovers. 

But after some time, the CRM deems Grady no longer functional. I mean it’s become very dysfunctional in the end, we know that, with a lot of internal rot and fragmentation. And rotten parts are a threat, so they decide to eliminate said threat. Maybe Beth escapes, possibly not alone, and she finds some friendlies and she’s in hiding? 

If she’s been part of Project V, there may be something special about her blood. Maybe she survived the infection, like Alicia, and now she’s immune and she’s just out there, and they’re trying to find her? The parallel to Mary Magdalene has me not totally writing this off as an alternate possibility to where Beth could be. Imagine a whole faction fighting to protect her? And that she’s immune and has become almost like their salvation? 

A template does exist for this. In season 2 of Fear, Nick ends up at a shantytown in Tijuana where the leader has a healed bite mark in his shoulder and claims to be immune. We find out he was actually bitten by a human and had been lying to his people to keep them hopeful, but I’m just saying this notion has definitely been toyed with before. Anyway, just some thoughts. Like, I don’t think this is definitely what’s going on by any stretch, but it has suddenly occurred to me as a possibility.

Okay I’m just going to continue this head canon for a moment because it’s fun lol and because it also reminds me of something from World Beyond. I re-watched episode 1.1 the other day, and in the end, Barca comes to Lt Colonel Kublek after the massacre and tells her that they searched everywhere and “can’t find her.” Kublek is pleased with this. 

We’re pretty sure he means Hope Bennett, since Kublek gave her and Iris the map of NY to gaslight them to leave of their own accord. Say a walker horde hits Grady. Maybe Beth is bitten saving others (including Edwards) and escapes. 

After Beth gets sick but doesn’t die or turn, and she recovers, Edwards realizes that whatever they’d been doing in Project V had worked. She was immune. And after denying her multiple times, a la Peter to her Christ, he finally becomes devoted to her, and he helps her find safe haven. 

Meanwhile, CRM soldiers are combing through the rubble and trying to verify that everyone is dead. But they can’t find Beth. Could even be Kublek herself standing amidst all the carnage. ANYWAY. That’s my head canon express for the evening lol. Very fun to ride!

@wdway:

I like this a lot. We toyed with the idea of not being able to leave the CRM before and with the information we received from Fear with AL and Isabel we know that it's fact based. So I like the thought that in some ways Beth has not approached or search for her family because she would not want to put them in danger. 

Actually I read a fan fiction recently that had a similar plot line. To add to your head canon/theory it would mean that both the flash and the blur in the opening credits that we have seen through the years would literally and figuratively be showing us Beth on the run. 

Another thing that would come into play is that this would/ could tie in with the mysterious (legs) pulling out the red machete from the ground. I just had an epiphany that the actions of (legs) pulling out the red machete would be a play off of Arthur of Camelot pulling out the sword from the stone. An sign of Beth being the chosen one.

@twdmusicboxmystery​:

Yeah I love this too. I have some thoughts but I’ll have to put them in later. I’ve had some similar head canons (exactly the same only different ) so I think we’re all on the same page in general.

@wdway:

Now I'm thinking of it as more of a group chat fun fan fiction with some legitimate TWD canon facts. We do have a while before Fear starts and even longer before any of the new spin-off start so why not have some fun. 

I was thinking about how Daryl could find out about Beth especially if he's headed for France and then I thought wouldn't it be cool if Beth is on the run and fighting against the CRM already. How about he finds a Wanted Poster. I know you're shaking your head but didn't we see a Wanted Poster in s11B? 

It had to do with Eugene looking for the people he thought had kidnapped Stephony. Daryl fines on a wall of Wanted Criminals by the CRM a call back to the missing persons board at the CW but this one is for people who are Wanted by the CRM. A Wanted Poster with the name Beth Greene and a drawn image of her. Would that not catch his attention. This is so much fun.

Head Cannon Update. Between s4 and 5 after Beth had been kidnapped there was this comical promotion I think it was backed by TWD, it was a milk carton with an image of Beth. It read, if found return to Daryl Dixon. This could have been an early hint or later on they kind of played off of that thought. 

Starting in s8 we suddenly had the paintings behind Maggie's desk at Hilltop of her family. The image of Beth was not exact but so close that there was no mistaking it for being her the same could apply to a wanted poster. I'm sure we've talked about this before but we had Beth being kidnapped by Grady and then we have Rick being kidnapped by the CRM and we know that Daryl is going to be kidnapped and sent to France that is just too much of a coincidence to be one and for it not to all tie together.

@galadrieljones:

I love these! I was also thinking about how Jadis made those paintings in Maggie’s office. Did she have photographs? Maybe Maggie had somehow preserved some, or gone back for them at some point. I mean there’s so much they don’t tell us. 

Anyway, if Jadis is a double agent like we’ve speculated, then maybe she’s seen Beth, recognized her, and helped her. What a great way to tie WB into Daryl’s arc. If she sees Daryl, she’ll be able to help him find Beth, and then he can help reunite her with Gabriel. Also I can’t remember if someone already said this, but probably the reason they had Gabe and Rosita break up is so that when she died, he wouldn’t still be devoted to her. He would be able to move on, re: Jadis.

@wdway​:

I don't know that anyone has actually written about the reason Gabriel and Rosita were no longer a romantic couple because they were still devoted to one another and shared a child they both loved and parented together but speaking for myself I have played with the thought that it had to do with Jadis/Ann using Gabe's last name and their past relationship and how that might play into a future storyline.

@galadrieljones:

Yes I feel that Gabe will always be devoted to Rosita as a mother and a partner, but if they were still in romantic love, that would make it difficult for Gabe to see past her to another relationship, even with a woman he’s already been with. It will be interesting to see what unfolds. I really believe they had Jadis take his name with the full intention of having her see him again.

@twdmusicboxmystery​:

So, one head canon I've had a lot, which is similar to this, but slightly different in detail, is the idea of Beth having been a test subject after Grady, but escaping. That would obviously be in line with what you've said. But I also extend it to think that she actually is part of the CRM again, but she's kind of deep under cover. So, they don't realize she's one of the test subjects that escaped years ago. In a way, it's a little like Jadis (but with a different twist) in that she would have been out of it for a time and then gone back in.

I also really love the idea of the wanted poster. The other thing it would obviously connect to is Yumiko seeing the wanted poster for her. I know that was originally the Michonne/Melodie arc in the comic books. 

Lots of TDers thought Beth would get that back in the day. For some reason, I never did. I could totally see why TDers would think that and how it would fit right into Beth's arc, so I understood. But for some reason, it just didn't fit for me. I think it was something about it being about Michonne and her daughter that just didn't scream Beth to me. Which of course makes no sense because they can twist and remix it any way they want, which is what they did by giving it to Yumiko and Tomi. 

Anyway, all of this is just to say that I can see that being them laying the groundwork for something similar to happen with Beth. I really like that idea.

The other thing I like to imagine is that Beth is actually some well known warlord type that is known by the resistance. Not that many people know her true name or true identity, but that she's kind of legendary in fighting against the CRM. 

So, it would be like Daryl hearing all kinds of stories about some resistance fighter with some generic name. ("The Wolf" or something.) Maybe he even assumes this is a guy, because due to the amount of success this person has had in fighting against the injustice of the CRM, most people would. But over the course of time, he learns the identity of this freedom fighter is Beth. That's one of my fave head canons too.

@wdway​:

Head Cannon Up. Liesel I love the thought of Beth being called The Wolf! With that thought in mind, I took a chance on a Wanted Poster.

(@wdway did the above artwork.)

Daryl seeing the poster ask someone, "why is the girl called the wolf?" Their responses, she's a wolf in sheep's clothing. She appears to be so sweet and pretty and kind but at her heart she's a wolf. That's when Daryl knows it's not just a girl that looks like Beth because underneath all that pretty exterior and heart of gold there is a mighty strength.

@galadrieljones:

I’m not at ALL picturing Daryl breaking down into actual tears when he realizes who she is…

Imagining whoever he is with asking him what’s the matter? And he’s just like, sucks it all back and WHOOSH, disappears. To find her!

We should just take over as writers for the show it’s decided.

@wdway:

I've had so much fun today with these head cannons.

They're also has to be a scene where he sneaks back in and takes the poster and puts it in his back left pocket. Left=Beth.

Did you notice she is wearing her double heart necklace?

Some possible reference shots. There was one photo that looks ALOT like Emily. I enlarged and it got blurry but still.

@twdmusicboxmystery​:

Love it, @wdway! Can’t wait to see what you come up with, @galadrieljones! I love your wanted poster! It’s lovely! And I totally agree that we should all be TWD writers.

@wdway​:

Head Cannon Update. The guy that tells Daryl why The Wolf is called that go on to said that she is also notorious for burning things down. Daryl just grins.

[hekatekun]

yaoi was horrendous this week genuinely great job i am always obsessed with your uncanny ability to put todomatsu under a magnifying glass and burn him like an ant ^__^ cannot wait for chapter 5!!! i noticed a change in direction though particularly in how you characterize todomatsu's interactions w atsushi which i really liked!! i am curious though what prompted it :33

thank you^^<3 there's probably a few different reasons both intentional and unintentional. to start, ccckk will have 10 chapters, however in its original "outlining" i intended to have 9 chapters

i've shared my hyperlinked table of contents on a few different posts now, mostly as cockteasers. but also i literally don't think i could navigate the google doc without it atp

i think theres like 30k of it published? so there's on average at least 1-2k worth of a scene in all 6 of the unpublished chapters that i've chipped away at over the last 3 years, bc ofc some are more developed than others. there's never been a solid outline for ccckk but rather a string of scenes i knew i wanted at certain intervals, like milestones, and i had wanted to retro-engineer the rest around those concepts

with that in mind, ch10 isn't a real chapter but more like a coda i wrote right after publishing ch1 and so the rest has been "how do i move the story from ch1 to this epilogue?" the plot is only in the first 9 chapters, so i structured it with three "acts" in mind and tried to have the chapter titles reflect that - both for my own amusement and to ground the ideas better lest i forget what wasn't written yet. so if ch4 starts "act 2" then it should show off that shift. but also, i never intended ccckk to be a slowburn, more like a...... medium burn ig? it's supposed to be a todomatty character study first and foremost, after all

each chapter should feel episodic to some extent, since i paced it on individual chapter "goals" rather than wordcount or anything (tbh i actually thought i would only ever hit ~50k total but if i'm not even halfway done and i'm at 30k now? jesus fuck. fuck me. what the fuck did i do.) if i've planned/structured the story like i'm fitting individual glass pieces into a metal frame, then by god you're gonna get the yaoi-est stain-glass art you've ever seen outside church in your life. it's why ch4 utilizes something like a montage, to show that ~passage of time~ and what that did to their dynamic now in this act 2

as to what that situationship dynamic actually ended up looking like on the big screen, i definitely blame @moeatsushi's art for that one^^ a lot of it made me realize i could definitely make them..... messier? nastier? gayer? [insert tumblrbait adjective]? for a lack of a better word. and that i could balance That with the surrealist realism that i wanted to achieve when translating the show into prose. also helped me get out of a general writer's block<3

beyond all that, i think part of it comes from me now being 23 writing yaoi instead of writing yaoi at 20. not that my brains developed any more, but my opinions have changed. like, to the point i find it hard to read the previous chapters when i have to reference them. ch1 really is a mark of shame to me ngl only god knows how i wouldve wrote it now. i had a friend look at it a few weeks ago and they called that shit "college freshmen posting on wattpad" 😓 which is already how i felt about it but whatever. post and move on. i (probably) won't repost/edit since that's more work that no one's paying me for, and it (probably) isn't as bad as my perfectionist monkey brain feels. anyway this isn't about being emo it's my precursor to admitting that there's a good chance i went off script bc i refused to look super close at my own goddamn source material/notes and decided winging it was better out of a mixture of laziness and pride at the cost of tighter consistency/characterization

[zipegs]

fic writer questions!

i was tagged by @laissezferre—thank you so much!

1) how many works do you have on AO3? 15! i uh sure haven’t posted anything yet this year but i’m committed to changing that

2) what’s your total AO3 word count? 112,179

3) how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? only four at the moment—supernatural, star trek aos, the terror, and hannibal

4) what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

A Treatise on Touch (or Lack Thereof): a really silly little spirk crack fic i threw together for a valentine’s day exchange

Murphy’s Law of Cohabitation: yet another crack fic, but this one’s a destiel bed-sharing trope inversion written for the casdean flipfest

Like Salvation: short destiel s14 episode coda

The Art of Falling: destiel, au, written for the dcrb. also my longest fic!

oh my heart, how can i face you now?: slow and soft post-carnivale fitzier fic written for yuletide

5) do you respond to comments, why or why not? i do, although it can sometimes take me a while. i very much appreciate every comment i get and want to show that and engage with my readers, but as i am in all things, i am Slow

6) what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? hmmm that’s a hard one! a lot of my fics have either bittersweet, melancholy, or just general Bad Endings. i write a decent amount of horror, although i’m not sure i’d call those endings angsty per se. maybe elegy (fitzier post-canon) or ad finitum (bridglar ep 9 missing scene)?

7) what’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending? a treatise on touch and murphy’s law (both linked above) are probably the winners of that race.

8) do you write crossovers? if so what is the craziest one you’ve written? i have not, although i’m not against doing so in the future!

9) have you ever received hate on a fic? i’ve received one or two indifferent or somewhat negative comments for various odd reasons but can gladly say i’ve not yet gotten hate.

10) do you write smut? if so what kind? i certainly have, although i’ve never done any pwp. i don’t think i’m particularly good at writing smut (lmao) and it’s always just been pretty run-of-the-mill stuff

11) have you ever had a fic stolen? not that i know of!

12) have you ever had a fic translated? yes, a treatise on touch was translated into chinese!

13) have you ever co-written a fic before? i have not!! i do roleplay on occasion, which is the closest i’ve come, but never with the intention of publishing anything.

14) what’s your all time favorite ship?  oh god i can’t answer that!! at the moment i’m invested in hannigram but i’m an equal-opportunity ship enjoyer

15) what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? so many... i don’t really have any urge to go back to the spn fandom at this point in time although i did have a pretty cool birdbox au in the works as well as an almost-complete s9 (s8? i can’t keep them straight lmfao) au. i’m more hopeful for my terror wips!

16) what are your writing strengths? i like to think i'm a somewhat versatile writer, and i think i do decently with sentence variety and the occasional poetic snippet of writing

17) what are your writing weaknesses?  dialogueeeeee for sure! holds me up every time. i’m also not great at action-y writing or smut, planning, idea generation (beyond, like, oneshots), transitions, or longfic.

18) what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? i think it depends on the context, but in my opinion it should be used sparingly!

19) what was the first fandom you wrote for? supernatural! i was in a destiel discord server that had a drabble challenge i decided to try my hand at, and that was the first thing i ever published. i’d written a bit for other fandoms before that, but mostly roleplay, and never published any of it. actually, i did write the first chapter of what i intended to be this sweeney todd longfic when i was, like, sixteen, but that never saw the light of day, nor did my attempt at christine/erik when i was twelve or so (thank god)

20) what’s your favorite fic you’ve written? unfair question!! i have a love-hate relationship with everything i’ve ever written, although the majority of my cringing and embarrassment is reserved for my spn and star trek stuff. i haven’t read over most of these in a while so don’t quote me on this, but i do have a soft spot for oh my heart, how can i face you now?, and i’m also pretty proud of elegy (fitzier post-canon) and adrift (abigail hobbs/ofc post-s2 au). also do like paltry is the passion (hanngiram s2b oneshot)

tagging (no pressure!): @whalersandsailors @pooraurora @thestarvedghost @softthyla

[meetmeatthecoda]

Okay so, I wanted to offer my two cents on that ask about Liz’s reaction in Luther Braxton: Conclusion. This is NOT meant as an attack on anyone—I find it 100% valid that the OG nonny (and anyone who related to them, including you dear Coda 💖💖💖) feels the way they do; they can’t control how they reacted to Liz any more than I can control how I reacted to that ask. Plus like, this is all fiction so no harm done? I purely wish to share my perspective, not ~present a counterargument~ or anything like that. :) Apologies in advance for how long this got. 😅😅😅

I get why you would react negatively to Liz’s screaming at Red, but I feel like?? That incident of all the times she’s treated him unjustly was (one of?) the most reasonable. Now, how she continues to act afterwards (regarding the Fulcrum but also, like, for the rest of the show welp) is 100% a continued bad decision in so many ways on her part and reflects terribly on her character, but her reaction in the immediate aftermath?? IDK, I feel the need to kind of defend her, probably because I absoluuuutely saw myself in her when she did that. I’ve (I shamefully admit) yelled, shoved, and even kicked at loved ones when they just wanted to comfort me but their attempts made me feel cornered and small. I’ve made logically unbased and ethically/emotionally unfair accusations against people who’ve done nothing but try to help me when I just needed something to get them away (literally or otherwise). When I just needed to attack something—take out my frustrations and confusion and fear and anger on someone. (And if Liz was like that, she might have latched onto Red as her target because he was the closest thing—physically, emotionally, and even in relation to the cause of that confusion and anger itself.) I have inflicted real harm on people while in an unsettling or unfamiliar mental state—harm that I couldn’t take back even when I could look back with a clear(er) mind and realize I never should have said/done any of that.

(Also, side note: when I first watched that ep and I saw Liz screaming at Red not to touch her?? I’d actually thought they were depicting her as being touch-averse due to the trauma and/or overstimulation, and I was?!! Like, call me badly coping but I appreciate seeing characters not being comfortable or straight-up being aggressive about being touched, even for just a moment, because that is me 24/7. Then of course a few more seconds and it turns out it’s not actually that?? Liz is just repulsed by Red’s Bad Guyness again apparently?? Whenever I rewatch the ep I still choose to see it as overstimulation though because, well… my heart is clearly very talented at choosing comfort characters for me. 🥲🥲🥲)

So speaking from personal experience, coming out of a trauma (or revisiting an unresolved one) is so stressful that it’s only natural to react explosively—even to the extent of unfairness and unreasonableness—in an attempt to protect or heal yourself, whether that attempt be justified or not. And honestly, I could even make the argument that for Liz, her attempt was to some extent justified. Of course Red would never hurt her, but sometimes a person needs breathing space. Like, literally needs. Maybe for the sake of her mental stability/health, Liz should have had her first moments coming up from her trance to herself. Does that make sense?? IDK if I made any sense there; I just know that while I never could have gotten to the place I’m at now without the EVENTUAL professional and personal support I’ve been blessed with, I also can’t fathom how much more mental anguish I would have experienced if I’d had people who knew me (or like, the “closest person” in Liz’s case) see me in the immediate aftermath of my trauma. Just… The state I was in? Yikes, am I glad only I saw myself pull myself together; I’d have had so much more to worry about with others seeing me like that. That might just be me and totally inapplicable to Liz of course, so I digress!

I’m not saying Liz isn’t responsible for her words/actions simply because they happened while she was in utter emotional upheaval and under mental and physical duress—Red definitely did NOT deserve that treatment from her. He did NOTHING WRONG. But with that kind of complex angst comes the inevitably mixed but nonetheless potent reactions of fans, I completely understand that. Everyone has different experiences and thus different viewpoints, and that’s fine and totally healthy in my book. Still, something about that discussion struck a chord with me—you can (and should) hold someone accountable for the harm they do while mentally unstable, but it’s possible and also healthy to do that without, yourself, harboring anger or resentment against them, you know? I had to teach myself (and those around me) that, so I guess I just wanted to put it out there. Again, I don’t mean to start anything and I’m so, so sorry if I inadvertently have. I hope it’s okay that I came here to explain my thoughts (and so wordily too, ack I’m sorry), and if not, I won’t anymore. Thank you for hearing me out this time though, I really appreciate it. :)

Dear anon!! 🤗🥰❤️ Firstly, I want to thank you for your kindness & respect for other's opinions!! This ask was worded in the sweetest, most considerate way & I appreciate it very much!! There's absolutely no need to apologize for having your own opinion & perspective, especially when you share & explain it so nicely, so never fear!! 😊❤️ Moving on to the meat of your ask - which is in regards to this previous one - you make such a good point!! When you look at it that way, the Luther Braxton Post-Memory-Unearthing Screaming Explosion is perhaps Liz's most justifiable negative reaction in the series LOL I guess looking back from where we are now - knowing all about & being completely fed up with all of Liz's awful writing & characterization in the subsequent seasons - it's easy to dismiss her reaction in Luther Braxton as something unreasonable & irritating & unfair to Red (which, to some extent - as you graciously allow - it is). But - as you generously point out - while that's a valid way of looking at it, it's also definitely worth examining from another point of view!! And I think your point of view (in everything ofc, but particularly in this) is so valuable!! I can relate at least on some level... I have definitely snapped at people, even those trying to help me, verbally & otherwise, when I lost my temper & just needed some space!! In fact, I think that's a pretty universal stress reaction & it's not necessarily something to be super ashamed of (but definitely something to be aware of & work on - a good reminder for us all!!) & it's definitely not a stretch to imagine Liz was going through something similar after being effectively water-boarded & having her memories so unceremoniously rifled through!! And, after all, Liz has one thing we generally don't... a perfect, convenient, willing catalyst for all the negative things in her life: Red (however undeserving of that title he may be.)

(And re: sidenote of touch-averse!Liz - Omg, I definitely thought about that being their angle at first too!! While I don't usually default to reacting that way myself [kind of the opposite for me usually LOL] I know that plenty of people do & it's 1000% valid as a coping mechanism & honestly??? A touch-averse Liz would be one of the more realistic reactions she's ever had 😂😭 especially considering the circumstances!! And hey, no shame about gravitating towards that interpretation bc it's 1) less painful for you & 2) you like comfort characters bc you 👏 do 👏 you 👏 but also?? I can't say anything bc the reason that I like that interpretation??? I love the angst of an overwhelmed & touch-averse!Liz unintentionally shattering Red's heart by completely rejecting his well-meaning physical comfort anddddd I'm not sure what that says about me tbh 😂😂😂)

Long story short, anon, you made perfect sense here, not to worry!! You were so respectful & cognizant of others' feelings, thank you so much for that, it doesn't go unnoticed!! You bring such a good point to the discussion with your perspective & outlook & I'm so thankful you chose to contribute!! I loved reading your thoughts & don't worry at all about the length, I appreciate your thoroughness!! (Plus, we all know I'm hardly one to talk, I never use one word when twenty will do 😂) Please don't hesitate to come back to my inbox any time to discuss whatever you like, I always love a little bit of friendly TBL conversation, especially since the show as we know it is so abruptly & unexpectedly over 😭 Yes, still grappling with that, in case you were wondering 🥲 Anyway, thank you again for your lovely ask, anon, I appreciate you greatly, & much, much love to you, of course, my friend!! ❤️

[belacoded]

Fic Masterlist

Here is a masterlist for all of my fics sorted by fandom. This will be updated as my fics are updated. I never abandon anything, so even if it’s been awhile since I’ve updated something, it will be finished eventually. I also take prompts for all of these fandoms and more, and I’ll write for every ship.

Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell

SnowBaz Library AU: Completed 7/31/2020. 3,331 words. 3 works. Complete.

Alone at the Counter: Posted 7/25/2019. 1,925 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. SnowBaz. Summary: Every day at 2:40pm a man comes into the library that Simon just can’t take his eyes off of.

It’s a Book Club (Maybe Something More): Posted 7/31/2020. 998 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. SnowBaz. Summary: Simon and Baz’s first date doesn’t really go as Simon planned. Baz doesn’t seem to mind, though.

Baz to the Rescue: Posted 7/31/2020. 408 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. SnowBaz. Summary: Simon has been talking to this lady for twenty minutes. He has no idea who she is. Baz saves him.

Hush.: Posted 7/25/2019. 954 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. SnowBaz. Summary: “Shhh.” “I just-” “Hush.” “I worry-” “Don’t.” “But-” “Simon.” “Baz?” “Here.”

We Don’t Need to Wear Costumes: Posted 10/28/2019. 341 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. SnowBaz. Summary: Simon leaves before Penny can hide his wings.

As If Nothing Really Matters: Updated 6/22/2020. 3/? chapters. Warnings not used. SnowBaz, Penny/Micah. Summary: Five years after Simon, Baz, and Penny had saved the magickal world and Simon and Penny moves in together, Penny is moving to America and Simon and Baz are starting a new portion of their lives together. Of course, the world won’t just let them live in peace... [I outlined the plot for this before My Wayward Son came out, so it kind of ignores a lot of canon]

Panic! At The Disco

Panic! At Christmas Time: Posted 7/25/2019. 381 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. No ships. Summary: A really short story about Panic! in the early years during Christmas.

Filthy Pride: Posted 7/25/2019. 2,646 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. Ryden if you squint. Summary: A post-split Panic! thing I wrote based on the song Filthy Pride by Social Repose. It's not really a Ryden thing but I guess you can take it that way if you want.

I Don’t Know How But They Found Me

They Found Me series: Updated 10/27/2019. 7,233 words. 2 works. Incomplete.

They Found Me in 1981: Posted 7/25/2019. 7,017 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. Dallon/ofc, Ryan/ofc. Summary: Dallon Weekes and Ryan Seaman are the two members of the band I Don’t Know. Ryan has finally managed to get them a gig at one of their classmate’s parties, but Dallon’s not entirely up to it.

They Found Me in Costume: Posted 10/27/2019. 216 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. No ships. Summary: Dallon buys the first skeleton mask.

Harry Potter

...And They Were Friends series: Updated 7/10/2020. 102,506 words. 3 works. Incomplete. Description: How different would Harry Potter’s time at Hogwarts be if he had accepted Draco Malfoy’s offer of friendship on the Hogwarts Express at the start of their First Year?

Harry Potter and the Mirror of Erised: Completed 3/29/2020. 63,566 words. 19/19 chapters. No warnings. No ships. Summary: What would Harry’s First Year at Hogwarts have been like if he had accepted Draco’s friendship on the Hogwarts Express? How much would change?

Harry Potter and the Heir of Slytherin: Updated 7/10/2020. 34, 704 words. 12/22 chapters. No warnings. No ships. Summary: Harry has survived his first year at Hogwarts and all of the trials that came with it, but now his second year seems like it might be a little bit worse. Everyone is accusing either him or his best friend, Draco Malfoy, of being the Heir of Slytherin and attempting to purge the school of Muggleborns, but he swears neither of them are behind the petrifications. Book 2 of the “...And They Were Friends” series, in which I write how I think the story would have gone if Harry and Draco became friends instead of enemies in their first year.

Harry Potter and the Bonus Content: Updated 3/29/2020. 4,236 words. 6/? chapters. No warnings. No Ships. Summary: Extra features such as schedules and deleted chapters to go along with my series “...And They Were Friends”

Welcome to Ashland: Updated 5/31/2020. 4,184 words. 2/? chapters. Major Character Death. Drarry. Summary: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter have known each other since they were eight, and they instantly hated each other. Of course, they met because they had to play best friends on a tv show, and after a while, they managed to become hesitant friends, and then lovers. Now, it’s been ten years since the show has ended and a lot has happened. Draco is doing promo for a new movie that’s coming out, which means talk shows. Talk shows mean reliving his past, especially his past with Harry. This is a story told through memories; some are happy... some are sad... some are funny... some are painful... but Draco is reliving them all.

Supernatural

Season 15 Destiel Codas series: Updated 10/26/2019. 1,149 words. 3 works. Incomplete.

Secrets Get You Nowhere: Posted 10/16/2019. 453 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. Destiel. Summary: Dean finds out about Cass’ deal with the Empty.

Real: Posted 10/23/2019. 255 words. 1/1 chapters. Major Character Death. Destiel. Summary: Some angst in response to 15x02. Dean finally realizes the meaning behind “We are”, but it might be too late.

Fake It ‘Til You Make It: Posted 10/26/2019. 441 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. Destiel. Summary: Fake it ‘til you make it. Those are the words Dean lives by.

Ships Are For Sailing: Updated 6/22/2020. 5,289 words. 3/? chapters. No warnings. Destiel. Summary: Just a Destiel high school AU without any angst whatsoever because I need to write something happy. This probably will remain ongoing and never end for a while. Maybe forever. I’m just gonna keep adding on more fluff.

Renegades - Marissa Meyer

Revolution: Updated 6/22/2020. 3,182 words. 3/? chapters. No warnings. Alec/Hugh/Simon, Hugh/Simon. Summary: Before the Anarchists and the Renegades were the greatest of enemies, they were one group working together to bring peace to the world and save prodigies from discrimination. This is the story of how the Renegades were first formed and then how the Anarchists split away from them.

PJO/HoO/KC/GoA/ToA

Coffee: Posted 6/23/2020. 929 words. 1/1 chapters. No warnings. Valdangelo. Summary: A Valdangelo college au based off that one tumblr post that’s like “my favorite college experience is when i had a 7am class and the kid next to me literally poured a monster energy drink into his coffee said “i’m going to die” and drank the whole thing”

Outer Banks

No One Follows It: Updated 7/21/2020. 2,036 words. 3/3 chapters. No warnings. JJ/John B, JJ/Pope, Pope/John B. Summary: “No Pogue on Pogue mackin’.” “That rule doesn’t make sense and no one follows it.” I saw a post that had this quote and basically used it to imply that since Kiara has already turned down the boys, if no one follows the rule, then the boys are all mackin’ on each other, so I thought I’d write a fic to go along with that.

Crossovers

A Hogwarts Story: Posted 7/21/2020. 173 words. 1/? chapters. No warnings. Harry Potter, The Night Circus, Teen Titans, Supernatural, Renegades, Heartless, PJO+, Lunar Chronicles, Carry On, Outer Banks, Good Omens, Merlin, The Umbrella Academy. All of the ships (all of them). Summary: I throw all of my favorite characters into Hogwarts and see what happens. The ultimate crossover. This is probably going to be a mess. There’s over 100 characters so far. And I plan on making every ship imaginable happen.

[idabbleincrazy]

End of the Year Writing Recap

What a wild ride 2020 has been, huh? But hey, through all the trials and tribulations, we’re still here, we made it through, and hopefully found ways to grow in the process. We found solace in each other, and in our hobbies, found ways to help each other smile and laugh, gave each other shoulders to cry on, lent our ears for those who just needed someone to listen, and gave each other reasons to keep up the fight, to keep going, one foot in front of the other. 

One hobby that kept me occupied and kept my mind from getting stuck in the mire was of course, writing. I had a lot of Firsts this year, writing-wise, all of which I’ll recap here, along with all the other things I managed to finish.

I started the year with my first Destiel smut, broadened my character range (Loki, Rowena, Ketch) and wrote for a few more ships (Gabriel/Ketch/Rowena, SamWitch, Sabrena). I participated in an exchange, joined FicFacer$ for the first time, and got my first commission! My Muse found solace in some new fandoms (Farscape, The Magicians, Blonde, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer), and found inspiration to write more in my less-often explored fandoms (iZombie, Lucifer, and Kings of Con). I created a new OFC for a SPN/Burlesque crossover, wrote some truly angsty pieces smattered amongst piles of Fluff and Smut fics. Had a blast with Gif Drabbles and hosted a challenge or two. I made new friends in fellow creators, and hit a few Milestones (750 followers, 100 fics, and my 2nd Blogiversary), and actually managed to Blackout a couple Bingos! With all the love and support, I ended up posting over 120k words through the course of this harrowing year, and hope to keep the words coming for the foreseeable future.

Thank you all for sticking with me on this journey, and I look forward to the next year and what it will bring. 

2020 Masterlist:

January:

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Aftermath

February: The Muse defeated me for a few weeks.

March:

Resolute

Ride It

April:

The Hunting Cabin

Say My Name

Lust For Life

Better

Busted

Lust For Life: Slaked

May:

At the Age of Thirty-Seven

The Static Between the Channels

Best Shark Week Ever Ch. 1

Bes Shark Week Ever Ch. 2

Celebration

Caught

Pierced

Good Boy

The King and His Demon

June:

Ask and Ye Shall Receive Ch.2

Ask and Ye Shall Receive Ch.3 

Just What I Needed 

July:

Clark Fucking Kent

Behind Blue Eyes

Jacksonville, FL: Day Two

Prove It

Spellbound

August:

The Best View on Sunset Strip

Forgiven

Screw Subtle

Anything, Anything

Under His Command

September:

Screw Subtle Part Two

Have A Taste

A is for Accent

Getting to Know You

What We Do for the Ones We Love

Hunger

Are You Trying to Tempt Me, Detective?

Flustered

Reality, Not Porn, Dean

Baby Steps

To a Job Well Done

Better Late Than Never

Stamford, CT

Ideas

Dressed For Success

Daddy, Indeed

#Seriously

If You Want Something Don E. Right

October:

Liv and Let Rage

Asking For It

Riled Up

Prey

Sir Lucifer, Slayer of Dragons

Branson, MO

B is For Bondage

Fix You

15x16 Coda

One Last Hurrah

Venus in Furs

One Kink Leads to Another

Sweet to Taste, Saccharine

In for a Penny, In for a Pound

November:

Work for It

We Are Gemini: Rave On

Come On, Leave Me Breathless

We Are Gemini: Whole Lotta Shakin’ Going On

December:

Graveyard Surprises

Entire masterlist found here.

[fanforfanatic]

Masterlist

Find me on ao3

I mostly write Destiel or Reader Inserts but I’m open to all things :)

Oneshots unless otherwise specified. The titles link to the tumblr post.

[F]luff ; [A]ngst ; [S]mut ; [C]rack ; [B]ittersweet (not quite angst, not quite fluff).

Destiel [No word count means drabbles: 500 words or less]

When Lost (ao3) Whenever Dean's lost, Cas goes looking. [F][A]

A soul like space (ao3) Dean doesn’t want to ask this of his little brother, but he needs to. Needs to see Cas again. [B] 

Solitary (ao3) When he comes to—and he will—Cas won’t remember what drove him mad in the first place. [A]

How it is now (ao3) Cas throws an elbow up, a move Dean taught him, and sends Lucifer stumbling back through the portal just as it closes.Then, they're alone. Together and quiet. Post 12.23 [F][A] 

Beat (ao3) Cas goes away again, but he takes Dean [flying] with him. [F]

Colours of Pride (ao3) A drabble per colour of the Pride Flag: Red is the hot pulse of alive, blue is the bleak lulls between good days, and purple is the satisfaction of a scratched itch. // 1.4k [F][A][S][B]

The Best of Fools (ao3) ‘The label is misleading’ is Cas’ initial reaction. There is no music on Dean’s top 13 Zepp Traxx, at least not until the very end. // 1.4k [B]

PROMPTED (ao3) Drabbles spawned from one word prompts, courtesy of the sweet people in the dcbb firechat (a place of pain and sin). Hair (ao3) Dean likes Cas' hair a lot. Cas might like Dean's hair too much. [F] Jeans (ao3) Dean and Cas do it with their jeans still on until they start doing it with their pants off. [S] Desk (ao3) Dean gets himself a hobby. [F] 100 word smut (ao3) Deancas smut in exactly one hundred words. [S] Candle (ao3) Cas is a wtich and Dean is his apprentice. pre-[S]-ish Basket (ao3) Dean works a case in a mental ward where a blue-eyed patient takes interest in him. [Not applicable: N/A] Pride (ao3) Cas finds out about Pride. [F] Wing Burns (ao3) Cas comes back eventually, of course he does, but every night Dean relives his death anyway. [A] Dildo (ao3) It’s too small. [S] Lollipop (ao3) “You’re something alright, Cas, but you're not fine.”  [F]

In the lulls between tracks (ao3) Dean buys it, the house and the land where Cas dies.12.23 coda (of sorts). // 1k [A][B]

I’m All You’ve Known (ao3) “You said you lov- You said-” Dean can’t say it, Cas never should have, so he drinks more instead. // 3.8k [A][F][S]

Designated Duties (ao3) Dean is the one who ties Cas' ties for him. [F]

Dean Wants What Cas Wants (ao3) Cas hums again. “This is why I don't want you in clothes, Dean. Too pretty to hide away.” [S]

You Keep Those (ao3) Dean offers Cas a present. One Cas takes great joy in unwrapping. One they can enjoy together. [S]

Jimmy Novak Can Sing (and so can Cas) (ao3) The closest bar to the bunker that the Winchesters think is far enough that it’s safe to frequent regularly has an open mic night. [F]

Angel of What Matters Most (ao3) Dean has etymology questions and Cas is not amused. [F]

Offered Flour (ao3) Dean takes the job at Gabriel’s Bakery to help put Sam through college. Sam gets a full ride though so when Dean keeps the job at Gabriel’s Bakery it's for the cute blue-eyed employee. [F]

Ice Cream Afternoon (ao3) “Whatever nervousness Dean was experiencing (for whatever reason) is forgotten then as Cas snaps his body to face him and grins a wide gummy smile that Dean thinks blinds him more than the overhead sun.” [F]

After Sex With Cas (ao3) Sex with Cas is great. In fact, Dean thinks it’s the best. He wouldn’t change a damn thing about it. Except… [F][S]

Kisses by Sunflower Beds (ao3) Cas can’t bring Dean back, but he can’t be without him, either. So Cas leaves to meet versions of Dean he hasn’t come across before. Dean at three as a snotty toddler. At eight as a grubby child. At fifteen when he's already damaged. Cas travels through time to meet Dean throughout his life, different version of the man and Cas loves every single one. // Not a drabble: 3.3k [F][A][S][B]

What is Real is Real is Real (ao3) Cas tries to convince himself that God hasn't abandoned him. He learns that it doesn’t matter either way. [F]

Telling Cas (ao3) Dean tells Cas how he feels about him. Post 12x12. [F][S]

Given The Time (ao3) A sleepy Dean thinks of Cas. 12.15 coda of sorts. [A]

Let Go (ao3) Dean picks up a leaf and has thoughts about it. [B][F]

More Than Four (ao3) Why Cas likes these mornings best. [F]

Dean x reader or Dean x OFC

For What It’s Worth (ao3) You borrow something of Dean's and he is not pleased. You are not pleased that he is not pleased. That's not to say that pleasure isn't derived from the overall situation. [S]

Of The Beholder (ao3) You and Dean go to an underground poker game of the supernatural variety. It goes exactly as planned. Or at least as close to planned as either of you expected. [B][C][Case fic. Bamf!Reader]

Movies that End in a Kiss (ao3) You tell Dean you’re in love with him exactly three times. [B][A][F]

Scar Tissue (ao3) Dean meets a girl in a bar and their damaged parts seem to match. [B]

Snippet: “I don’t want to alarm anyone but you’re presenting yourself as quite the gambler,” He teased. “Betting left and right.”

“I’m a thrill seeker.” She shrugged exaggeratedly, in a ‘what can you do’ sort of way. “Promise I’m good for it, though.”

About Dean’s Dreams (ao3) Dean writes letters to the woman of his dreams. As in, the woman he’s with when he’s asleep. [B][A][F][S]

The Orange Thing (ao3) If you’re honest with yourself, you might have gone a tad bit overboard. A smidge, really. But nothing captured your attention, your fascination, quite as much as the Orange Phenomenon. [C][S-sorta]

Watch forever (ao3) A list of things Dean likes to look at. (Including you.) [F][B]

Take Me Home (ao3) It's not a secret that Dean cheats on you and it's not a secret that you don't like it. [A][B][S]

We’ll Build a tree house (ao3) You and Dean move into a new place and. In most ways, it’s a step down from the bunker. [F][B]

No more waiting (ao3) After a case that was more touch and go than either are comfortable with, Dean and Mace take an even bigger risk. [S][F][A]

Snippet: “Hookers don’t wear hoodies, Sammy.” Dean took it upon himself to educate his little brother.

Mace rolled her eyes as she rubbed her hands together. “Dean knows all about that working girl life.”

Something about salvation (ao3) -complete- [A][B][F] (part 1) (part 2)

A rogue soul escapes hell and its tortures. Top side, she runs into a man wearing the same face as one of her tormentors from her first decade in the pit. The one who had piercing green eyes.

Or, one of the souls Dean tortured in hell escapes and he’s forced to face his actions from his last month in the basement.

To The Hilt (ao3) -complete- [F][A][S] Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Sequel Links to come.

When they run into her for the fourth time in a fourth state, Sam and Dean don't think it's a coincidence anymore. Maybe they kidnap her to get to the bottom of things. Maybe they accidentally put her on a path of destruction. Maybe Dean falls in love with her a little. Serves her right for stalking them, to be honest.

Not a Day Goes By (ao3) [Sequel to To The Hilt] -ongoing- [F][A][S] Chapters: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 Links to come.

Robin died. First in Dean's arms and then again when she vanished. Dean is hurt and angry and devastated and so goddamn committed to getting her back.

Castiel x reader or Castiel x OFC

Something to get used to (ao3) Cas comes to live in the bunker full time and Ace has a hard time adjusting. [F][pre-S]

As You’re Told (ao3) -ongoing- [S][F][eventual-A] Chapters: SEXY TEASER ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX (seven coming soon)

You start dating Castiel, a famous physicist, when you get hired at the same university as him. A few months into the relationship, you explore dom/sub dynamics within your sex lives.

Snippet: “They’re just toys,” Cas says.

“So you’ve said.”

“You want to try them?”

You don’t say anything.

“You want to try it?” He asks and tries to keep his voice as natural sounding as possible but you don’t miss the smallest of hitches.

“What’s ‘it’?”

“BDSM.”

Find me on ao3

[lambergeier]

HECK YES i love this meme: “No,” she says. “I can’t recommend you return to professional play.” Tooru blinks, once, rapidly, a stutter of darkness.

omg okay getting right to the good stuff here aren’t we.

SO: LMAO: obviously this was always going to happen. i kept it ambiguous in thirty years because thirty years ends on a romantic high note, but it was always my intention that that be the end for oikawa, as far as volleyball goes. it actually took some kind of creative medical science in order for that to be the end of his career because like……. okay this is going to be long but what else is this meme for tbh:

i did a sickening amount of research for this shit, and as best i can tell, a) volleyball players don’t really get knee injuries and b) knee injuries hardly ever end careers anymore. in canon, oikawa almost certainly just has a repetitive strain injury, like tennis elbow for lunatics who jump all the time, and did not in any way pop his patella out of socket in high school, like i wrote. dislocation normally happens after you smash it into something (or a car smashes into you), or, like with acl tears, when you’re playing a sport that requires a lot of sudden changes in direction. so tennis or skiing, mostly. volleyball players fuck up their ankles, not their knees. but someone already CANONICALLY has  KNEE INJURY, so i was kinda stuck. i left his bad landing in thirty years as ambiguous as i could and hoped no one would call me out tbh, bc there’s no fucking way landing from a long jump could do what i needed it to do.

because my OTHER problem was that, like, you have to fuck yourself up GOOD to end a sports career these days. ACL tears are (relatively) easily repaired, meniscal tears are easily repaired, orthopedic surgeons are just really good at what they do, as it turns out. i kept googling “acl repair fail how” “acl not healing” etc., and every site i looked at, they were all pretty cheerily like “do your PT and you’ll be fine! it’s not the fucking 80s anymore!” terrible. so i had to make him land OUTRAGEOUSLY bad, plus have a dislocation already on his record (including the cartilage damage that comes with that) to really put him out of commission. which was of course necessary, because i love oikawa, but if he actually got what he wanted from life, would i really even love him at all.

also, side note: this reddit thread was hilariously helpful in learning what an acl tear actually feels like

so yeah, jumping through hoops to make his career end. if this had been a longer fic, and i more of a slut for angst, i may have included something me and nords discussed a few times, which was the possibility that he had actually dislocated his patella multiple times during high school (scraping off a bit of cartilage each time) and just never told one after the first, because after the first, it’s totally possible to just pop it back in yourself. the ultimate goal would have been oikawa forcing himself to a) acknowledge his younger self’s mistakes and b) forgive his younger self for them (bc what else can you do tbh), but honestly i couldn’t come up with enough actual plot action carry all that, or, alternatively, i wanted to write something under 15k, so that didn’t happen. i still kinda consider it canon to the fic, if only to help explain, again, how one jump ended his career.

otherwise, let’s see. like i said in the author’s note, this was originally conceived as just a h/c porn coda. oikawa’s in a lot of pain post-surgery, iwaizumi gently pats his forehead, and then (carefully) rides his boyfriend into the sunset. this survived as the second scene ofc, but then norway started talking about fucked-up dream sequences and there was a whole entire conversation that i never wrote into thirty years about oikawa’s post-retirement career plans, and things just Spiraled from there. because, as previously mentioned, oikawa is most interesting to me as an extremely successful and driven character who just doesn’t get what he wants.

anyways, to conclude, the most important knowledge i can impart about this fic verse is that although oikawa does take that commentator job, and does turn it into a permanent position with NHK, he does not stop there.

no, he jumps to the financial side of the media industry, and becomes an acquisitions and mergers specialist so feared that salarymen refuse to speak his name lest he hear them and buy them out, for pennies on the dollar. he turns himself on every day. and he totally gets that sick old man cane. poor iwaizumi.

[twdmusicboxmystery]

Spoons + More Beth/Leah Comparisons

 @wdway:

I went back to look at the episode Find Me again because I wanted to take a deep dive into why I felt so strongly that Beth was an invisible presence in the episode. Beth's presence is unseen, nevertheless was definitely felt in almost every scene. I hope that I have shown that to be true these last couple of days in connecting FM scenes with previous Beth scenes mainly from Still and Alone. Some connections obviously seem stronger than others, but the volume of the connections speaks loudly that I wasn't just imagining it. Here are a few that stand out to me.

I felt that for a viewer that might not be a Bethyler but a TWD fan who have seen episodes repeatedly they might recognize the similarities between these scenes.

I thought the tree trunk, car trunk connection was exciting find but when we added in the intimate personal connections that put it over the top for me, making these 3 shots one of my favorites.

I love the thought of it being Leah who is asking where Daryl belongs and Daryl in answer saying with Beth.

I don't think any of us really like the idea of Daryl writing a note to Leah saying that he belongs with her but to be clear we didn't see Leah's name on the note. Beth leaving a note even if no one came back to read it she would know it was there because she would be leaving a piece of herself. This has new meaning for me in looking at the note that Daryl left which could say that Daryl wanted to make his feeling known, something he never did in real life with Beth but he could say it in a note.

Looking at this scene again it screams out to me that Carol did not use a name.

@galadrieljones:

Yes I have always felt that Daryl is writing to Beth here, or it could even just be like, to anyone, a call back to the story he tells Andrea about the time he got lost in the woods and got sick off poison berries and nobody came to find him. But I really think so much of what takes place with Leah takes place because Daryl is trying to live out what he never got to have with Beth, this lovely safe life in the wilderness with a girl who accepts him for who he is and who keeps him safe from his own sad depths and tendencies toward depressive, self-isolating behavior, and he keeps her safe from the dangers of the world in which they live. It’s this ultimate male fantasy that ofc comes crashing down because Leah is Leah. She isn’t Beth.

(And again I’ll harp on the name Leah as being so important in this interpretation, as Leah is the Biblical imposter with “sad eyes” who appears to Jacob as his true love but is actually just disguised as such and is anything but.)

@wdway:

Leah was introduced in FM. We saw through Daryl's perspective the beginning of Leah and Daryl's relationship, with Leah simply disappearing at the end of the episode connected in a way to the other woman that had a relationship with Daryl that simply disappeared from his life, Beth. There was something else that symbolically tie Daryl, Beth and Leah together in that episode, a spoon.

We first saw focus on a spoon in Still when Beth picked up a spoon with the capital embossed on it with the words Washington DC.

in Alone Daryl brought attention to his use of his spoon as he ate jelly from it in the last supper scene.

The spoon on the ground along with their black backpack, jewelry and money was left behind when Beth was taken.

Daryl saw a second spoon on the floor of the cabin in FM.

I believe that Acts of God, could be the coda to Find Me for three reasons which connect Beth, Leah and Daryl together.

Both Beth and Leah shot in the head with their arms in similar positions and the connection to a spoon.

Leah's story began in the Find Me, shack and her life ended in that same shack. The beginning, the end.

Hope you guys enjoyed my ramble on FM. I had fun working on it and hopefully it sparked a few new idea's for everyone.

@galadrieljones:

I love it. The spoon near Leah’s body is such a blatant TD nod, idk even what else to think. Like a.) Who else is going to notice that? and b.) Why put it there unless it has a real purpose? 

I love the idea of the spoon being like a coda sign. Theoretically a piece of music can have as many codas as it wants. I started thinking a while back that maybe we’re operating with multiple codas here and are now headed toward the final coda. The spoon showing up at Leah’s death, along with Leah’s death visually resembling Beth’s so much, makes me feel like we’re resetting again…? 

I have always felt like the final coda will in some ways invert the first coda, for a couple of reasons: 

1.) Because of the bizarre unsolved mysteries and open-endedness of Beth’s death, I feel the final coda will “fill in the narrative blanks” and offer new insight and expansion on the events and motifs of the original coda. This would culminate in a major thematic resolve, which is that Beth isn’t dead, because she wasn’t supposed to die. Her death screws everything up, and everything that happens after is a way of the narrative trying to retell and rework itself to get to the point where said major resolve is finally earned. 

2.) Because the whole “the end is the beginning” thing. I just feel like we will somehow experience a thematic and situational “reboot.” It may be metaphysical in some way. But I feel there could be a thematic reunion of sorts that will most likely exist entirely on the level if metaphor. This may bleed into events of “reality,” but the distinction may be somewhat ambiguous. 

A good example of how this has been done before is at the end of Lost when all the characters, including the dead ones, find each other in “another life” and have a major reunion. It’s not clear what level of reality this is on, but it solves a lot of unresolved tragic tension that still exists in the show before the end. 

3.) Because Luke whistles the 18th variation of Rhapsody on a Theme of Paganini, which is played in a reverse key to the rest of the piece and is described by Rachmaninoff as the “love episode.” The entire piece is arranged upon many variations of the “Dies Irae” or Mass of the Dead, and the intention was to show that true love lies at the heart of the life cycle and is the antithesis to death. Rachmaninoff was famously fascinated by and afraid of death, so to cope with this he thought of love as the one thing that makes a mortal life worth living. 

Beth’s loss is the romantic tragedy at the heart of TWD that ruins Daryl’s life and sets him on the path toward becoming the walking dead, and so her return would be a cathartic inversion of this, showing that love still prevails even when all seems lost. Hope this makes sense lol. I’ve really enjoyed all these parallels and how they really get me thinking.

Surrounding Beth’s death there is also this thing with Bob and Tyreese and the notion of fate. Everything that has happened happened “because it had to, because it was always going to.” This hints at a higher power and the question of Free Will. This notion communicates that we cannot change the past or the future, but what we have to remember is that what we see happen in Coda is incomplete, and so the idea of “whatever happened happened, you can’t change the past” is, as a notion, also incomplete. When Beth returns it would mean she and Daryl have been separated for ten years, but the idea is to “trust God,” or trust fate that there was a reason for this. It happened because it had to. It’s not just random cruelty. There is a plan at work.

@wdway:

These two comments above are just wonderful. I sooo love the second one and thinking of how everything had to happen the was it did. Daryl and Beth falling in love after being apart for 10 years and with all the hell they both had to endure is what an epic love story should be.

@galadrieljones:

Oh thank u I’m so glad it made sense. I have all these feelings about the show and how fate, free will, and destiny all work in this show. I feel like the show is so interested in like, God and whether or not God is “here” or he’s gone, etc. It really opens the door to the idea of the “hand of god” and how resurrection is so possible and really anything can happen.

@wdway:

You are on a roll my friend, that was beautiful It reminded me of how I was thinking about an old Bette Midler song the other day. God Is Watching From A Distance. I interpret the song as saying that God exists and is always present but he watches us from a distance allowing us to act with free will. I think you may like this, it's a quote (unknown) that a friend shared a few weeks ago. At the trial of God, why did you allow all this? And the answer will be an echo: Why did you allow all this?

@galadrieljones:

Yes that is so lovely and inspiring, reminding us that the pursuit of good over evil is a fight, and it contains many choices, it is not a passive state. I remember there is this fire and brimstone sermon in Fear where the priest in the episode “Sicut Cervus” talks about how these events will make many ppl question whether God has abandoned us, because how could God let this happen? The answer is not that God has left but that the Devil is here, and that we must fight him back to survive and to get back into Gods light. He then hands out weapons and the ppl prepare to storm Celia’s compound, because they believe her to be possessed, as she keeps the dead as pets. This is when they all die of the bleeding eye disease. 

It really all feels connected and sometimes in strange or malleable ways that don’t make sense? Like there’s not always a formula, but it’s all “on purpose” and like I think gimple or one of the show runners said once that the whole universe of TWD is connected, like how we are all connected, etc. etc. In this the line between the living and the dead does blur somewhat. Especially in a genre show where the rules and physics of the world are not the same as ours.