#of imperfection in yourself and the world and learn to accept shit

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i take back any criticism i might have made towards viktor arcane about the glorious evolution. i too wish to become a perfect being.

[plantsjustwannahavefun]

I keep seeing so many people here getting angry that this season is "vilifying Ed", and it's depressingly fascinating to see how others can watch the same show and somehow see something completely different. Is it simply the lack of media literacy? Is it the inability to appreciate and enjoy complex, nuanced, morally grey characters without willfully blocking out anything even slightly unpalatable about them to the point where the character they think they love isn't really that character anymore?

Because, uh... Season 1 already "vilified" Ed plenty. Except "vilify" is the wrong word, of course. It wasn't in any way malicious or mean-spirited, quite the contrary, it was often played as comedic (until the end of episode 10 when it was anything but) - Ed was always meant to be a sympathetic character, he's a protagonist after all, and the show's portrayal of him is very compassionate. It merely refused to sugarcoat or shy away from his darker side. He's literally history's most famous pirate, you don't become one by being nice and treating everyone gently. He ambushed and strangled his own father to death when he was like 9 years old (100% deserved and justifiable ofc, but it still bears saying it out loud like this just to comprehend how unhinged this actually was). He loves torturing and maiming people for fun, and sometimes even animals (that scene with forcing a turtle to fight a crab). He didn't give a fuck about his crew members dying to satisfy his whim to meet Stede. He entirely failed in his role as a captain in ep 4. He effectively played a double agent with Izzy and Stede for a while before changing his mind. He attempted to murder Lucius. And while you could try to argue his punishment of Izzy was at least to some degree deserved, not only cutting Izzy's toe off but forcing him to eat went beyond punishment, it was sadistic torture.

So, yeah, please just read all that and take it in. And then remember once again that Ed is also a traumatised, lonely, depressed, sensitive, creative, curious, deeply passionate person yearning for true love and for something different in life... just like Stede. He loves music and can play the piano. He wrote a very vulnerable song and sand his heart out. He likes his tea with seven sugars. He enjoys fashion and dressing up. He has such a limitless sense of wonder for the world. He went on a trek with Stede just to make him happy, even though he hated nature and was in a shit mood that day. He wants to host a talent show. He wants to become free. He's clever and funny and fascinating. I love Ed.

Yes, it's possible to reconcile those two sides of him and accept both sides as the "real" Ed. You have to reconcile the two sides if you want to enjoy him as a character, because if you don't, you're going to either detest him to the core (which would make enjoying the show practically impossible since he's sort of a main character...), or you'll only be able to enjoy a diminished, crippled, cardboard cutout version of his character, which would be such a pity and a massive disservice to the creators of this show who worked hard to create interesting, multidimensional characters.

Not to mention you'd be missing one of the core messages of the show - the idea that people still deserve love and can be loved even if they're imperfect, or not necessarily good people. Because love is a human condition. It's not a sole dominion of "good" people. "Bad" people can fall in love too - even if, just like them, that love isn't exactly "nice" or "pure", and neither are the relationships that stem from it. They can be messy and exasperating. But "bad" people can also grow and change because of it. That's what OFMD is ultimately about - growth and change, learning to accept yourself but also become better. That can't happen if the character is already 100% perfect the way they are.Ed is far from that. So is Izzy. They can both become better, and they both still deserve compassion and understanding, because that's the environment people need to become better.

So, if you're mad that at the start of S2 the crew are sympathetic to Izzy's suffering and want to help him instead of kicking him when he's down, and what Ed did to him is being acknowledged as cruel and wrong... congratulations, you have completely missed what OFMD is all about.

[madfishmonger]

Tips to stop self-hate

I was asked by a young person to provide some advice on my experience coping with this issue and they said it was very helpful so I thought I would share the same advice with all of you. This is one of those things that has a big hurdle, but then requires less costly touch-ups. It's worth the effort, and certainly in the long run will cost you less energy and misery than just giving in to the hate.

These are steps but obviously you just do them in whatever order makes sense to you and kind of all at the same time.

Step 1 - Acceptance. You're not going to be a perfect image of a person, which is fine because no one else is either. We're all messes trying to make it through, some of us struggle with that more than others. Struggling doesn't make you weak or a bad person. Suffering isn't noble or moral or Good™. It's just suffering. Don't make yourself suffer too, the world is cruel enough, kindness is all we have. Imperfection is normal.

Step 2 - Forgiveness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Forgive yourself for being who you are, if you have to. You can forgive yourself and still be responsible by focusing on what you learned. You learned how not to behave or treat a person. Those lessons suck, but you know you won't make that mistake again. The next time you're tempted to make the same mistake, you remember, and you don't do it, so you don't have to feel shitty again. Less shit in the future. This is progress.

Step 3 - Friendship. Talk to and about yourself like you'd talk to your best friend. This one is the hardest but ultimately the most effective. Would you call your friend stupid or useless or whatever horrible things you say about yourself? Would you keep a friend who spoke to you that way? You want to be friends with yourself you have to treat yourself like a friend. Be kinder. Be more understanding. If you catch yourself calling yourself names or whatever, stop and imagine you saw someone else do what you did. How would you react? You likely wouldn't be so mean. Step back now and then and look at yourself from the outside, you're not as bad as you think. And no one can read your mind.

The most important thing you need to keep in mind here is never compare yourself. Just like no one would know how you feel or what's going on in your head just by looking at you, you don't know what's happening in other people's lives. Comparing yourself to others is comparing against your own imagined perfection. You don't need to be like anyone else or do things the way everyone else does. Live life the way it works for you.

[thelivingmemegod]

Wayward Children characters as the Major Arcana go

I don’t know shit about Tarot, this ask is a ploy to get to draw a tarot card series and therefore I referenced this video and this site

Long ass post ahead!

The Fool: Nancy

While it could be literally everyone by the nature of how Doors work, Nancy is the beginning. She’s the first POV character and who we initially learn everything through. Our darling fool who goes home first.

The High Priestess: Lundy

Intuition, trusting yourself and your inner voice to guide you. That’s how fair value operates right? It’s a trading of thoughts and ideas along with the object. The involved parties decide what the things they offer are worth and if those ideas match, they swap! It’s a gut feeling to be developed and sharpened into a skill, no?

The Emperor: Kade-

The boy has always been a leader of some kind. He was declared the Goblin Prince in-waiting. Given the situation, with the king dying as his feet, Kade was definitely supposed to become the king of the goblins. Probably barred by age. Then he was tossed out and became the heir to the school, the next headmaster. Then there’s EHAD where he leads half the damn investigation, and then BTSS, and then and then and then. Kade is always a leader, even when he’s not the one leading. The only time this really snaps is when Kade snaps during Come tumbling down.

The Hierophant: Antsy

Direct quote “speaking mentorship from someone who has more knowledge than they do.” But she’ll most likely be upside down, since she does seek that guidance in Vineta, it just goes horribly for her. She’s was a vulnerable child looking for safety and was lead to believe she’d found it, I’m so sorry Antsy.

The Lovers: Jack and Alexis

The Lovers is a contextual card. It can mean a relationship, but it can also mean obsession and passion. Jack is just as married to the windmill and the science as she will one day be to Alexis. She’s obsessed with her work, and by its nature, also obsessed with life and death. She is a monster molded so completely by the Moors. Alexis’ monster.

The Wheel of Fortune would be everyone by nature so I’ll skip it.

Justice: Regannnn hi girl!

Ironically, I think Regan would hate this. It’s all finding your true path, the inevitability of, all of that Destiny type stuff she doesn’t believe in. I do think her card would be right side up, though. Showing that inevitably can be positive and that maybe destiny isn’t as solid and predetermined as everyone, Reagan included, thinks it is.

The Hanged man: Sumi!

There is a delay, there is a reason for this delay. Does she know what that reason is? Nope, not at all. But she’ll accept it whole heartedly and wait. Unlike Regan just above her, she’ll let Destiny steer her back home. She knows she’s going back after all, why waist the present trying to uselessly run for the future? So she wholeheartedly enjoys her present while it’s here, she wants stories to tell Rini!

Death: Everyone.

The children who walk through those Doors are not the same ones that came out again. They are fundamentally changed. Perfection has come and kissed their cheek and then left them to flounder in the imperfection of their birth world. They may look a bit different, sound a bit different, hear or see different. But they all think differently, it’s one of the few commonalities all children of the doors share.

Patience: Christopher.

He waits. He is so impatiently patient. He won’t die unless it’s at the hands of his skeleton girl. He doesn’t give up going home, but he only gets one day of hope a year. The other 364 are just spent…waiting. Being present as he can be until he can finally go home. This I feel like, is part of why we actually read about him waiting during Mislaid in parts half known. It could’ve been skipped over entirely, but it wasn’t. We saw him waiting there. And he actively chose to wait more at the school instead of staying with Antsy and possibly finding his Door early. Christopher waits.

The Devil: Cora

Despite the Christian Devil imagery, the card is about temptation, distraction; it tells you not to waver from the path you’re on.

Cora literally takes off from her group to run for the sea of the Moors. The drowned gods know her name and the ache in her heart and they sing to her so sweetly that she had little choice but to fall to their temptation. To be taken by them was inevitable for her. The others had hooks the Drowned Gods could’ve dug into but they didn’t want them, plain as that. She’s distracted and she’s taken. I don’t think of the oil that stains her after as a punishment but something she must work through like she does.

The Tower: Jill. And it’s most definitely upside down.

It’s a card about chaos, a card about shaky foundations, a card about uncertainty. What is Jill if not a girl desperately pinning for security? To br reassured in her place and her value? She is the Master’s Daughter. Loved and cared for and given anything she could ever want in exchange for her obedience and her blood. She is the Master’s daughter. Given power and dominion and status above others by the simple fact that he chose her and she chose him. And oh what a precarious perch it is, near the top. Feared and hated by those below and tenuously, insecurely “loved” by the single person above.

The Star: Eleanor.

She is there to provide these children a place of safety, a place to freely believe and express their homes. She offers hope and inspiration and hopes to herself that it is enough. It is difficult, but hope is something with mud on its face and blood on its hands and it will get back up again. She is and will be there until she can’t be anymore, at which point, she will go home. A new star will be needed then, but then and now are very different times.

Judgement: …The Doors themselves.

Judgment is about being brought to your full life. The life you were meant for, your true calling for this lifetime.

What’s bringing all these children, current and former, past and present, to the lives they mostly feel they were meant for? The Doors and their magic. It’s also the judgement of The Doors that decides what child gets them and when, everyone is kind of at their mercy in a way.

Quick list of the skipped major arcana

The Magician: Self reliance/belief, the ability to overcome adversity

The Chariot: Determination, Drive, Victory

Strength: Courage, inner strength, assurance you can handle adversity.

The Hermit: Isolation, processing alone, finding answers within yourself (I have a suspicion this could work for Nadya but her book isn’t out yet at time of posting)

The Empress: Creativity, Growth, birthing a new idea

The Moon: Hidden thoughts, fears, or doubts

The Sun: Happiness, health, and success

The World: Completion, freedom, “the world is at your feet”

[aspiringorwhatever]

I haven’t known what I wanted to write here for awhile, but I’m realizing it’s just not that deep. Maybe to me it is, but to everyone scrolling it’s just another drop in the bucket. What am I so afraid of?

Everything, all the time, apparently.

I am caught in the middle of who I am and who I (and most people around me) think I am. What I want feels miles away from the destination that everyone expects of me as I round the corner to 30 years old.

The destination is as follows: a marriage to someone who kind of understand you (if you’re lucky), kids that overwhelm you 99% of the time, a house under constant construction, an unfulfilling career that you use wine and weekends to cope with, and a sense of self that is expected to merge with the world around you into “oneness.” The thought makes me want to crawl out of my skin.

I don’t even know what I want or who I want to be. Half of me is still learning how to mother myself and the other is healing the scars from my mother trying to do the same, still learning herself.

My parents, and those of all of my generation, did the best they could (for the most part). Therapy wasn’t a thing to them. Not being okay but acting like you were was the only thing that was accepted. Isn’t that the name of the game, to be accepted?

Shush!! Quiet. Don’t make a scene or draw attention to yourself.

Aren’t those pants a little loud? Everyone is going to look at you.

That haircut is going to have everyone talking, alright.

It felt like a mortal sin to do anything that wasn’t what every one of your friends and family would do in the same situation. Sometimes it still does.

We have come further as a society in the last two years than the last two decades; a pandemic really helps put things in perspective, I guess. We have started to look around and realize that, truly, none of it matters and all of it matters at the exact same time. I have, at least.

I guess I could rephrase that to say this: the shit we thought that mattered to us has turned into garbage, and the things we should’ve understood mattered the most have made their star entrance into our realities.

I don’t care if someone has purple hair and loud pants, or if they laugh a little too loudly at the store. Does it make them happy? That’s what matters. That’s what I care about. For myself and everyone around me. I don’t want to steal someone’s joy because I have none of my own.

It feels lonely to think this way at this moment in time. I want so badly to shake friends and family that focus solely on gossip and superficial bullshit while ignoring that the person they’re putting down is trying their best too. Maybe dying their hair purple gave them a reason to wake up in the morning, or the bad choice they made is the only choice they thought they could make. We are generations repeating cycles, and in turn, mistakes.

We are all the culmination of our ancestors mistakes. They get passed down through generations as a challenge. Can you be the one to make a different decision? That’s the question they pose as they hand you the same problems that your mother and father dealt with, your grandmother and grandfather before them. They may be wrapped up in shiny new paper with a new bow but I promise it’s the same beaten up toy truck that’s begging to not get slammed into a wall. It’s your choice whether you recklessly roll it or not.

I do not want to be the one to make the same mistakes, to roll the truck into the wall because that’s how it’s always been done. I want to honor the truck and all of its parts, it’s imperfection from years of being abused by default. I want to break the cycle of can’t teach an old dog new tricks and pose the question of why not? Says who? Where is the rule written that things cannot change and adapt as necessary?

Maybe I don’t want to be a mom, or to have the marriage and house and white picket fence. Maybe I just want to be seen for who I am and loved all the same, broken parts included. To be a mother, one day, if I decide that’s what I want. For it to be my choice, not the choice of the whispers trying to drown out my own voice.

I don’t want to conform to a reality that was put in place generations ago that valued what you had more than who you are. A reality that you are only worth what you can contribute to society, to capitalism and old grossly rich white men who wouldn’t touch you without hand sanitizer close by.

I’m tired of it all. I want to be my authentic self and not feel like a leper because of it. To be in nature and write words that create feelings and to feel at home in my body without cursing it for how it looks. I want others to understand that each person is their own universe, vast and magnificent and full of autonomy and no one can change that. It does not matter what venom they spew or judgement they pass. I hope one day that becomes more possible. It only takes one voice to speak up and inspire change, imagine what could happen if an entire generation decides to break the wheel.

I hope to get to see it for myself.

[sleepydrabbles]

How many of you hate Bakugo because he represents everything inside yourself with the power to destroy that moral superiority you hold over everyone?

I did. I didn’t like Bakugo until I was more honest with myself. Until I realized that my rage against him was also pointed inward.

Funnily enough, Izuku’s arc with Bakugo seems to be less about repairing a friendship and more about coming to peace with himself, loving himself, and choosing to stop lagging behind for Bakugo’s benefit. He doesn’t obsess over Bakugo’s strength the way he used to— and tbh, I don’t obsess over the destructive side of my personality as much either.

I think that’s the lesson, here. Not “forgive your abuser”, not “repair a broken friendship”, but “see that you are one coin with two sides and make peace with that— then you’ll leave the side of yourself you hate behind.”

And that’s my prerogative. People can learn from a story without participating in the main narrative. People can learn lessons from a character who to you is just an echo of times past. Learn to let go of your need to have everyone agree with and accept your interpretation; it’s poison.

This isn’t just “don’t like, don’t read”. This is “accept that you are not all people and all people are not you.” Bakugo triggers you. Bakugo reminds you of a past that hurt you.

Bakugo triggered me. Bakugo reminded me of the small, neglected, tired part of me that wanted to set the world ablaze and scream until people remembered I existed. Bakugo is loud. Bakugo swears at people who don’t deserve it. Bakugo jumps into battle guns-blazing and, if the stuff I’ve seen on trauma symptoms holds true, is a walking example of ptsd red flags. He’s everything I’ve fought not to be since I realized at 16 the direction my life was headed. I hated him.

I wanted to be him.

In a sense, Izuku and I fought the same battles as he and Bakugo clashed again and again. That tension between the desire to help people and the desire to destroy, to come out on top, to always be the best because that was where the validation was coming from— I knew that. That same fight was going on in my own psyche.

Then the fight after Bakugo’s kidnapping, like a slap in the face. The idea that both my destructive and creative sides could present something of value to the world? Unreal. Too much. Watching Bakugo and Izuku settle into this unsteady peace where they at least seemed to respect each others’ power and viewpoint was… holy shit it was groundbreaking.

After that, it was easier to laugh at my own destructive urges instead of shoving them down, fighting them, ignoring them. Because they’re impossible to ignore. Because they’re always going to be there. I can’t shut out the child and teenager who were locked into this disgusting play of better and best— instead, like Izuku, I can huff out an exasperated “kacchan!” And move on with my life.

Because eventually even Bakugo decided Izuku’s way was better. Because as much as Bakugo is morally imperfect, even reprehensible, he’s relatable. Because Bakugo Katsuki is not just a bully, he’s a fucking human being, and if you can’t see that past your trauma that’s not my fault.

Do what you have to do. Say what you have to say. But get the fuck off your high horse and put your feet in the mud like the rest of us before you criticize us for being soiled.

[heretherebedork]

Hey,

Quick background, I have been reading m/m romance, fanfics and yaoi manga for a very long time. Currently I’m more interested in Korean webcomics BL and Chinese web novels.

I was never interested in TV shows or movies, since there used to be the bury your gays in so many of them.

Then I stumbled into the world of Thai BL at the beginning of the year and been watching a few shows, TharnType, Manner of death, ColorRush and SOTUS.

I realized pretty early that I like it better with some additional story line, than just college or high school angst.

So, I really want to dive in the Shows, I even got a Viki subscription, but I’m unsure on how to proceed.

Since you the expert in this field, what would be your best shows to start? I prefer already finished, shows since I like to know that there is definite a happy ending.

thank you!!!

Welcome!

Okay, so you're looking for... plotty romances with happy endings. Definitely can help you out there! Also, holy shit, got called an expert in something.

ANYWAY.

I'll pull together a list here (and tag @absolutebl because they have SO many lists) so they can also support you in this fantastic journey. And their much more organized post is here!

Tale of a Thousand Stars: Up on YT for free, an absolutely fantastic piece about changing your point of view, accepting yourself and learning about others and discovering who you can really be. A beautiful, deeply plotty and deeply romantic show.

Until We Meet Again: Also beautiful and deeply plotted. There is a distinct warning on this show for death and suicide but there's also a happy ending so... take it as you will. A story about reincarnation, taking chances, true love, pain and learning to be better brought to you by some absolutely amazing actors.

Most of the Korean BL movies: ... I was gonna get more specific but then I realized that, frankly, this applies to almost all of them. Think of them as romance short stories. Color Rush is one of the best but To My Star is also beloved. My Sweet Dear and The Tasty Florida are also enjoyable little romps. Not deeply plotted but they aren't university or high school either.

Lovely Writer: Oh, also fantastic. Also on youtube! Very, very good story about a writer of BLs whose novel gets picked up for a show and the main actor in the show ends up moving in with him. Lots of tones of choice and love and coming together and the intricacies of the BL/Entertainment industry. Imperfect but good and enjoyable, do recommend.

Anything by Strongberry: I got a GagaOOlala membership to fulfill this need but you can also find their stuff on vimeo to support them directly. A tiny production house in Korea making authentic and amazing queer short films. Just everything by them gets the stamp of approval.

Cherry Magic: Practically perfect in every way, a darling office romance about a shy and introverted young man who gains the ability to read minds with a touch because he's a virgin on his thirtieth birthday and finds out his amazing coworker has a huge crush on him. Soft and beautiful and just... one of the best.

He's Coming To Me: Another of the Best Thai BL set, this is the story of a boy who can see ghosts and a ghost the he falls in love with and rescues from the graveyard. Also crime, solving old issues and a still happy ending at the end of it all!

History (2, 3, 4): Just any of these will fit you will. Even the ones that are set in university/high school have enough plot to carry them through and they're all great. Only go back to History 1 if you really find you like their stuff and, even then, I mostly only recommend Obsessed. All of these are on Viki, FYI. Trapped and Close To You are likely to both be up your alley. Close To You comes with a stepbrothers/stalkers warning, though. MAKE OUR DAYS COUNT IS NOT ON THIS LIST, DO NOT WATCH, NO HAPPY ENDING!!!

Love is Science?: The BL is a secondary plot, it's true, but Mark and Ou Wen is one of the most amazing love stories I've ever seen and it's just fantastic. An unintentionally homophobic hairdresser and an out gay matchmaker (basically) cross paths over and over again, building a friendship into a relationship into a family as they grow closer and closer. Just... it's so good, it's worth the rest of the show to watch these men.

We Best Love 1+2: Mostly only available on grey sites, sadly, depending on your location (possible WeTV if you're if you have a VPN? No idea). It starts as a college romance and turns into a gorgeous office romance and it's deep and fantastically acted and I feel like I just kind of have to recommend this on the principal of everyone should watch it.

You Are Ma Boy: A Vietnamese BL on youtube about a barista and a popstar and their very soft love story. Lots of domesticity and care and a tsundere barista and a puppy popstar. Far better than it probably should be, frankly, and very enjoyable.

Absolute BL (The Man Who Defies the World of BL): This is best to watch after you're watched a bunch of others... but it's fantastic and enjoyable and on Viki as well! It's a loving send off to tropes and the entire genre.

In terms of not BL, though, may I interest you in 3 Will Be Free ( a poly mafia story that's fantastic and has BL vibes but also a girl).

Also, depending on your stance on censorship, I am also willing to offer recs of Chinese censored romances but I do not offer those unless requested.

Also, depending on how queer you want and how you define a happy ending... Like in the Movies (Gaya Sa Pelikula) is a beautiful and authentically queer story that's amazing and heartrending and ends without a romantic happy ending but with a generally happy ending? So, take that as you will.

ANYWAY.

This is the best I can do as my dog stares at me because it's time for his walk, I'll add links when I get back from that! Hopefully this is a good list!

[religion-is-a-mental-illness]

Ever since I've started to read more books about the Catholic Filthy Churches involving sex abuse cases and how they hid their pedophile priests by transferring them to another parish and I live in a country which is most predominantly catholic where there are more churches in almost every corner of the streets and I'm having a hard time accepting religious people bringing their children to a church for whatever reason are not aware of the fact that despite not have any shred of evidence regarding to who's the real predator among priests that hasn't been caught or exposed since I learned that the clerics don't report them to the authorities or even publish their faces or names in public for "security reasons", there actually might be some priests that could be an actual predator or more and possibly abuse some of the innocent children and get away with it. It scares the shit out of me that I can't do anything about it while at the same time I know that I can't do anything since I'm not a parent and I hold no authority over others but I can't help it with the knowledge that there are pedophiles out there hiding in plain sight. How do I deal with this?

That's some weighty concern there.

My first recommendation is to put the books down for a bit. Seriously.

It reminds me of a tweet Helen Pluckrose posted about consuming a ton of Critical Race Theory literature and papers for some of the work she was doing, and how it screwed up her perceptions.

If you submerge yourself in this stuff, it will mess with your mind and drown you. This is not to say that you ignore it, but you can't lose yourself in this specific world. You won't be able to do any good at all if you're drowning in anxiety. It's like the air safety video where they tell you to put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else with theirs, such as your child. You can't help anyone if you drive yourself crazy. Put the books down for a bit and engage with the world outside of them for a bit, or at least do something else.

It's also important to remember that not every priest is a danger - not all priests are abusers, and not all abusers are priests. It's entirely possible that the child is safer with the priest than they are with their own mother or teacher, for example. But if you go around assuming every adult is a predator, you'll drive yourself crazy. The overwhelming majority of kids are safe, and more so than in the past. Most of what we're hearing about is historical, and there is much more awareness and visibility and ability to talk about it now than there used to be.

The problem is that the Church has facilitated and provided cover for abusers, where that facilitation and cover doesn't generally exist elsewhere (although that still needs work).

No institution or organization will ever be free of incidences of wrongdoing, because institutions and organizations are composed of people. People can hide their true agenda, exploit others, take opportunities. They can also be altruistic, generous and principled. The problem is that the Church has sought to preserve its own moral high-horse by choosing to throw victims of abuse under the bus, rather than actually doing the right thing. It's important how an institution or organization handles these cases, and particularly its transparency, to make it clear that they will not facilitate or provide cover for anyone who thinks they can get away with it.

This must also take into account due process - lives can be ruined for false accusations, so publishing names and faces is not necessarily appropriate if an investigation is ongoing. We have the presumption of innocent until guilty, and that must remain a cornerstone of how matter are dealt with, even if it's imperfect. Non-believers don't accept a default assumption of guilt about our moral character from Xians, and we can't be inconsistent here either.

You also have to remember that you cannot be - make yourself, or hold yourself - responsible for other people. You cannot stop a parent taking their child to church or otherwise participate in the absurdities of the superstitious dogma. They already believe stupid things based on nothing but faith, but we have to let them practice that belief in those stupid things (freedom of religion) in order to preserve our right to not (freedom from religion). You can't harangue them into doing what you want; it'll be interpreted as an attack on their faith, and they'll double down on the faith to defend their choices.

The responsibility ultimately lies with the Church. They need to be responsible for what happens in their organization, not you.

So, seriously, put the books down for a bit. You're not abandoning the victims, nor turning a blind eye to what happened. You're making sure you're not also a victim of the Church.

Consider finding practical ways to help. Find organizations in your area that are advocating for victims as well as for policy changes and laws that require mandatory reporting or put in place other protections or mechanisms. Write letters in support of these laws - it's not unusual for people who agree with them to sort of presume that they don't need defence, and responses may end up primarily being objections. If no reforms or laws are being proposed, constact your representative. Use what you've learned to post, without apology to anyone's hurt feelings or calls for religious "respect," about the subject to make sure people are aware of what's going on.

Above all, find a balance. Don't let the Church destroy you too.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Five years ago, the women on this site who treated me like trash over loving Labyrinth and shipping Jareth/Sarah were almost always obliviously consuming Radfem propaganda, or were out and out Radfems/Terfs themselves.

They were the types of people who casually threw the word “pedophile” around against grown women who shipped an adult Sarah with Jareth, aka literally one of the most popular ships for women in fandom for 30 years.

Pretty much invariably, these women had serious sex-negative anxieties, which included a severe paranoia about any and all kink and fetish, and porn in general. I saw a lot of shocking, fear-mongering propaganda surrounding sexual expression. Pretty much invariably, their method of approach involved immediate personal shock-value attacks on anyone they perceived to be “bad.”

Today, you can look at the way some people react to other popular so-called “problematic” ships and recognize the same toxic, fear-mongering rhetoric coming from women who consider themselves regular, trans-inclusive feminists. Sometimes it even manifests in the words of very well-meaning people (including myself here), who feel the need to talk about specific issues that pertain to their own experiences of trauma and oppression.

The people who shit on Labyrinth often seem to not really be able to comprehend that the Goblin King, like the film itself, is canonically a representation of a teen girl’s psyche, a soup of fears and anxieties and desires and dreams. He’s not a literal human adult preying on a literal child, and to read the film that way seriously undermines the entire point of the film. 

When I (and people of many fandoms) say “This is fiction, calm down,” I’m not just saying it’s not real so it cant hurt you and you can’t criticize me. I’m trying to call attention to what fiction actually is - artistic representations of feelings and experiences. The Goblin King is Sarah’s fiction. Therefore, he can be anything she or any woman who identifies with her wants him to be, including her lover when she’s grown and ready for such a thing.

I once took an alarming dive into Beetlejuice fandom to see what content was there (the cartoon was a favorite when I was little). Chillingly, what you’ll find is an extremely wounded fanbase, with a sharp divide between the older women who had long been shipping BJ/Lydia because of their love for the cartoon series (and whom were previously the vast majority of the Beetlejuice fandom), and a massive amount of young people riding the wave of the musical fad who had decided that the entire old school Beetlejuice fandom was populated by literal pedophiles. 

I saw death threats. Suicide baiting. Constant, constant toxic discourse. It did not matter how the BJ/Lydia fandom dealt with any particular issues that would exist in their ship, in fact I’m certain that the people abusing them cared very little to even consider if they were trying to handle it at all. The only thing that mattered was that they were disgusting subhuman scum asking for abuse. If you have at any time reblogged recent Beetlejuice fan art or content from fans of the musical, you have more than likely been engaging positively with the content of someone participating in toxic fandom behavior.

Nobody is really sticking up for them, either, as far as I saw. It’s really hard to imagine how painful it must be to have such a large group of people explode into into your relatively private fandom space to tell you that you are evil, vile, and deserve constant abuse, and also you are no longer allowed into the fandom space to engage in it’s content. But I think there’s something very alarming indeed about this happening specifically to the BJ fandom, and I’ll explain why. 

The pop-culture characterization of Beetlejuice, which is heavily influenced by the cartoon series to be clear, has always in my mind been a vaguely ageless being who matches with the psychological maturity of whatever age Lydia is supposed to be. He’s more or less like an imaginary friend, a manifestation of Lydia’s psyche. In fact, I would argue that i think most of us who grew up with the cartoon or it’s subsequent merchandizing before the musical ever existed probably internalized the idea as BJ and Lydia as this ageless, salt-and-pepper-shaker couple beloved by the goth community, similar to Gomez and Morticia. In each version of canon he may be a creepy ghost in the literal sense, but any adult who is capable of identifying literary tropes (even just subconciously) would read cartoon!BJ as an artistic representation of a socially awkward outcast girl’s inner world. Lydia’s darker dispositions and interests, which alienate her from most others, are freely accepted and embraced by her spooky magical friend. BJ/Lydia in the cartoon were depicted as best friends, but to my memory there was always an underlying sense that they had secret feelings for each other, which I identified easily even as a small child. In fact, their dynamic and behavior perfectly reflected the psychological development of the show’s target demographic. They are best friends who get into adventures and learning experiences together, who have delicate feelings for each other but lack any true adult romantic/sexual understanding to acknowledge those feelings, let alone pursue them.

Though I haven’t seen the Musical yet, I’ve read the wiki and I would argue that it embodies this exact same concept even more so for it’s own version of the characters, in that Beetlejuice specifically exists to help Lydia process her mother’s death.

This is not a complicated thing to recognize and comprehend whatsoever. In fact, it looks downright blatant. It’s also a clear indicator of what BJ/Lydia means to the women who have long loved it. It was a story about a spooky wierd girl being loved and accepted and understood for who she was, and it gave them a sense of solidarity. It makes perfect sense why those women would stick with those characters, and create a safe little space for themselves to and imagine their beloved characters growing and having adult lives and experiencing adult drama, in just the same ways that the women of the Labyrinth fandom do. That’s all these women were doing. And now, they can’t do it without facing intense verbal violence. That safe space is poisoned now.

Having grown up with the cartoon as one of my favorites and been around goth subculture stuff for decades, I was actually shocked and squicked at the original Beetlejuice film’s narrative once I actually saw it, because it was extremely divorced from what these two characters had evolved into for goth subculture and what they meant to me. It’s not telling the same story, and is in fact about the Maitland's specifically. In pretty much exactly the same way two different versions of Little Red Riding Hood can be extremely different from each other, the film is a different animal. While I imagine that the film version has been at the heart of a lot of this confused fear-mongering around all other versions of the characters, I would no more judge different adaptations of these characters any more than I would condemn a version of Little Red in which Red and the Wolf are best friends or lovers just because the very first iteration of LRRH was about protecting yourself from predators.

I would even argue that the people who have engaged in Anti-shipper behavior over BJ/Lydia are in intense denial over the fact that BJ being interested in Lydia, either as blatant predatory behavior a la the film or on a peer level as in the cartoon (and musical?) is an inextricable part of canon. Beetlejuice was always attracted to Lydia, and it was not always cute or amusing. Beetlejuice was not always a beloved buddy character, an in fact was originally written as a gross scumbag. That’s just what he was. Even people engaging with him now by writing OC girlfriends for him (as stand-ins for the salt-and-pepper-shaker space Lydia used to take up, because obviously that was part of the core fun of the characters), or just loving him as a character, are erasing parts of his character’s history in order to do so. They are actively refusing to be held responsible for being fans of new version of him despite the fact that he engaged in overt predatory behavior in the original film. In fact, I would venture to say that they are actively erasing the fact that Musical Beetliejuice tried to marry a teenager and as far as I’m aware, seemed to like the idea (because he’s probably a fucking figment of her imagination but go off I guess). The only reason they can have a version of this character who could be perceived as “buddy” material is because...the cartoon had an impact on our pop cultural perception of what the character and his dynamic with Lydia is. 

We can have a version of the Big Bad Wolf who’s a creepy monster. We can have a version who’s sweet and lovable. We can have a version that lives in the middle. We can have a version who’s a hybrid between Red and the Wolf (a la Ruby in OUAT). All of these things can exist in the same world, and can even be loved for different reasons by the same people.

I’ve been using Beetlejuice as an example here because it’s kind of perfect for my overall point regarding the toxic ideologies in fandom right now across many different spaces, including ones for progressive and queer media, and how much so many people don’t recognize how deeply they’ve been radicalized into literalist and sex-negative radfem rhetoric, to the point where we aren’t allowed to have difficult, messy explorations of imperfect, flawed humans, and that art is never going to be 100% pure and without flaw in it’s ability to convey what it wants to convey.

This includes the rhetoric I’ve seen across the board, from She-Ra to A:TLA to Star Wars to Lovecraft Country. We don’t talk about the inherent malleable, subjective, or charmingly imperfect nature of fiction any more. Transformation and reclamation are myths in this space. Everything is in rigid categories. It is seemingly very difficult for some of these people to engage with anything that is not able to be clearly labeled as one thing or another (see the inherent transphobic and biphobic elements of the most intense rhetoric). They destroy anything they cannot filter through their ideology. When women act in a way that breaks from their narrative of womanhood (like...not having a vagina), then those women must be condemned instead of understood. Anything that challenges them or makes them uncomfortable is a mortal sin. There is an extraordinary level of both hypocrisy and repressive denial that is underlying the behavior I’m seeing now. Much like toxic Christian conservatism, these people often are discovered engaging in the same behaviors and interests that they condemn behind closed doors (or just out of sheer cognitive dissonance). As an example, one of the people who talked shit to me about Labyrinth was a huge fan of Kill La Kill, which to my knowledge was an anime about a teenage girl in like, superpowered lingere (hence why I stayed the fuck away from that shit myself). Indeed, they even allow themselves plenty of leeway for behavior far worse than they condemn others for, and create support systems for the worst of their own abusers. 

Quite frankly, I’m tired. Instead of talking about theoretical problematic shit, we need to start talking about quantifiable harm. Because as far as I can tell, the most real, immediate, and quantifiable harm done because of anybody’s favorite ships or pieces of media seems to consistently be the kind that’s done to the people who experience verbal violence and abuse and manipulation and suicide baiting and death threats from the people who have a problem.

[wickedgamesoyaoya]

hello self - tumblr continues to hate us so let's just post this way #yolo

Can the past truly be rewritten? Can one simply erase the thunder and rain, leaving behind only the rainbows and sunshine? Can the imperfections be ushered away with the eraser shavings? Or will they remain engrained into the page – its presence serving as a reminder that no one can escape their past.

The answer of course, is that the past cannot be rewritten.

Recently, there were three people, connected by destiny, who struggled to accept this fact. Unfortunately, you were included in said group. But instead of surrendering, you chose to wield your stubbornness as a sword, refusing to accept reality, and refusing to accept defeat. The truth of the matter was… you could not afford to concede. As if you did, you would never be able to return to the love that bathed your world in colour. And the world has stolen far too much from you – could you really survive if it stole him?

You needed to rewrite these last few months, if you didn’t, every moment you shared with him would be tainted in a blinding crimson. The warnings issued by your best friend and sister were true – you knew that what your relationship needed was time. But you were absolutely terrified that time would not be enough to mend the damage. And so, your mind remained clouded with thoughts of fantasy and seized by fear.

“I’m leaving now, Tooru. Have fun at practice later.” A faint smile was presented in the setter’s direction, as you shoved your right hand into your jacket pocket.

“Have fun, y/n-y/n! But not too much fun.” The mocha haired male ripped his gaze away from the cellphone screen, before tossing a playful wink.

Rolling your eyes, a gentle laugh was pushed past your teeth. You were thankful that he remained oblivious to the surge of emotions thrashing against the thin mask you prepared for him. It was better this way – fake it until you make it, right?

As you began down the hallway, the clicking of your boots with the surface soon syncretized with your breathing, forcing it to a slower pace. Once in the elevator, you removed your hand from your pocket, analyzing it for any defects. The caffeine consumed earlier prompted tremors to claim your fingers. It was a miracle you were able to complete your texts without any mistakes. But it appeared that after steadying your breathing pattern, your limbs returned to regular functioning.

Maybe it would be okay. Everything would be okay.

The mantra was repeated internally until you reached the lobby, providing a boost of confidence to your step. Within a few seconds you were able to locate the one responsible for your frazzled mental state. The familiar black-haired male was stood outside the glass barriers with his eyes glued to the cement below. Dressed in blue jeans and a thin corduroy jacket, he sincerely outshined any models you were fortune enough to collaborate with. The sight flooded your senses with adoration, drowning out the remaining anxiety that inhibited your veins. When he caught onto your presence, a smile warmed his features and you found yourself unable to maintain a frown.

At the end of the day, he was still the same man you fell in love with. The same one who filled your days with love and happiness.

Perhaps that would be enough to override the scarlet rain that loomed over you.

“Hi there.” When you joined your fiancé outside, a teasing smirk tugged at the ends of your lips. “Look at you, lookin’ like a whole ass snack.”

“Well, hello to you too. I’m glad you approve of my outfit.” Joy glimmered in his grey irises while a low chuckle was expelled. He was skeptical in asking his brother for fashion guidance earlier, but it seemed that his twin’s advice was useful once again.

“Are you sure you’re not the model, and I’m the cook in the relationship? I mean, I do make some mean onigiri.” Proceeding a step closer to him, you trailed the tips of your fingers along the sleeve of his coat, permitting your fingers to linger when you reached his wrist.

His eyes flickered to your wandering hand, and without missing a beat, he caught your fingers with his, weaving them together naturally. Truthfully, he wanted to embrace you or obtain some form of physical contact the second he laid eyes on you, what he was searching for was permission. He was unsure what boundaries were required under the circumstances, but he was thankful that he was still allowed to hold your hand.

“You do. I have a lot to learn from you, chef.” With his gaze returning to yours, you were quick to notice how the physical contact eased him.  

“You’re so cheesy.” Clicking your tongue, you shook your head, feigning disappointment. The theatrical response served as a distraction from the heat flowing from his skin and the little tingles spreading along your arm. But when Osamu squinted at you with an adorable pout fixing onto his lips, your resolve to continue the performance was completely obliterated. He was only playing along with your charade, and yet his response had led you to shift tactics. “Good thing I like cheese!”

Amazing save, right?

“Yeah, good thing.” The forced retort granted the cook a surge of confidence, and in a surprising movement, he leaned forward, pressing a small kiss to the tip of your nose. The exchange forced an imaginary clog to immediately form inside your throat. Needless to say, you did not see that coming.

In an attempt to dismiss the swirl of emotions his action instigated, you pushed away from him, before beginning down the pathway. Issuing a cough to clear your passageways, your attention was forced onto a random building. “Okay, come on. We’ve got a fifteen-minute walk to go. Follow me.”

Exhaling a laugh mixed with a sigh, he nodded, trailing close behind you.

“I’ll follow you anywhere, y/n.”

The journey to the botanical garden was mostly filled with playful banter, and half-hearted laughter. Somehow you had successfully managed to fool yourself into thinking that everything was fine – that your relationship was not littered in punctures. It was peaceful; the fantasy you had created. It was safe.

The botanical garden that Osamu had selected for your first stop was laid out in the style of a French garden, with a green house that resembled a crystal palace. Breathtaking was surely an understatement, and for the first time since you joined him, Osamu found himself entranced by something other than your presence. Tightening his grip around your hand, he gently brushed his thumb against your skin in a soothing manner.

“This is incredible.” The proclamation was accompanied by a wide-eyed expression. He was never into gardens; but even he was in awe at the sight ahead.

Humming in agreement, you shifted your attention to the centre fountain. It was your favourite spot on the land, and consequently where you took a picture of teddiursa for your Instagram page.

“It feels like a fairy-tale garden, huh?”

The suggestion forced him to return his gaze to you, prompting you to raise an eyebrow quizzically.  

“With you here, it sure does.” He was evidently pleased with the corny statement, a fact that could be ascertained by the little twitch of his mouth. He was clearly attempting to suppress his laughter.

“You better not be saying I am a princess, because you and I both know that is not true.” Contorting your features in artificial irritation, a little huff was discharged. But the theatrics were dismantled when he voiced his explanation, replacing irritation with surprise.

“Oh, of course not. But even demons need a place to live.”

“Demon?!” Halting abruptly on the path, your mouth opened and shut twice as you struggled to find a suitable response.

“Not just a demon, the prettiest demon.” Finally releasing the laughter, he stored inside his chest, he tugged you into his embrace, before pressing his cheek against your head. A growl erupted inside of your throat as you begrudgingly rested your forehead against his chest.

“Yeah yeah. Nice save.”

A comfortable silence blanketed over you two as you began along the pathway, observing and admiring the flower-filled beds and impeccably manicured geometric lawns. However, comfort slowly morphed into distress as you wandered deeper into the vined arches that connected the greenhouse and the “garden of senses”. Without the distraction of conversation, it was straining to drown out the whispers issued by the little voice inside your head. The whispers gradually increased in volume until you could no longer differentiate your own voice from the creatures fuelling your anxiety.

It won’t last – this isn’t real. It is solely a fantasy you have forced upon yourself to cope. He doesn’t love you like he did – no matter what you do now… your love will always be infected with a fatal disease.

The featured attraction hosted only two other visitors; a couple.  The happiness emanating from the couple stole the tiniest bit of sanity you were clinging to.  And when the stranger knelt down on one knee, reaching for an item in his jacket, nausea bubbled inside your stomach. The sight should have not twisted your guts, tangling your organs – but it did. And it hurt. God, it hurt.

“Hey, come here.”

Despite the waves of agony that came packaged with the sight ahead; you could not stop watching. Not until your fiancé’s voice broke you from your trance. As you rubbed away at the tears hanging onto your lashes, Osamu guided you along the path until you reached an isolated portion of the garden. Once you were alone, and no longer in earshot of any others, he released your hand, then brushed through his hair in frustration.

“I know what you’re doing. You don’t have to act okay, y/n. You don’t have to force yourself to be happy.” The frustration was aimed at himself, for inadvertently pushing for some sense of normalcy. It was selfish for him to have wanted it – to have hoped for it.  

“Well shit, guess I blew my cover.” The comment was coated in sarcasm, though you intended for it to sound lighter than it did. The tears resting upon the pads of your fingers did not also help the tense atmosphere.

“I need you to know that you have every right to be angry. You’re allowed to hate me!” The latter of the sentence was vocalized in a lower octave, a detail that only brought you to feel defeated. Because you don’t hate him, and you can’t hate him. “I deserve it all. But if we really want to move on, it can’t be like this.” Unsure what to do with himself, he shifted on the spot uncomfortably, tugging at his roots.

“You idiot. I don’t hate you. I hate this situation. I hate that it got to this.” Dragging a palm down your visage, a groan was muffled. “It’s fine. Can we just enjoy this, please?”

Just keep pretending that it’s okay. Keep pretending. Please. Let me keep pretending.

“No. I can’t enjoy it when you’re hurting.” Shaking his head, sorrow crossed his face, molding his features. “Talk to me. Tell me what I can do to lessen the pain.” A small step was advanced closer, he was seconds from capturing you in his arms once more, desperate to fix the pieces he damaged.

But his ambitions were momentarily abandoned when rageful sentiments ripped from your throat. “I want to start over. I want to erase what happened! Can you do that, ‘Samu?! Do you have a damn magic pencil and a magic storybook that can fix everything?!” Clenching your teeth, your eyelids narrowed into daggers. Of course, your question was unreasonable, you knew that. But you were exhausted, so damn exhausted and you didn’t care.

You genuinely expected him to point out the flaws in your request, yet instead you were met with laughter. Pressing a palm against his stomach, the cook laughed loudly, even stumbling a step back in the process. At this point it was impossible to tell who was the insane one – him or you.

“Are you laughing at my pain, you sadistic gremlin?” Your mascara heavy eyelids fluttered open and shut as you strived to comprehend what was occurring.

Osamu raised a finger, silently requesting that you abandon your accusations as he composed himself.

“No. I’m laughing at the fact you’re screaming at me and referencing a tv show at the same time. It’s the most you thing you’ve done in a while.” Resuming his mission to eliminate the space between you, he caught your face with both of his palms, before aligning his forehead with yours. His reasons for breaking into laughter held some logic, but a pout still registered onto your mouth. And even with your foreheads connected, you averted your stare, unable to maintain eye contact. “Listen to me, y/n. I don’t have a magic pencil, or a magic storybook. And don’t even think of asking if I have a hot tub time machine. But I will do whatever I can to make this right. Just tell me… something reasonable.”

For a moment, you chewed on the inside of your cheek, contemplating what answer to bestow upon him. In the end, your heart took reign of your vocal cords, leaving your brain face palming in shame. “I wanna redo these last three months.”

Woops, you said it.

Osamu blinked down at you, mulling over your strange request. If he could snap his fingers and go back in time, he would. But maybe there was another way to accomplish this goal. Inhaling a breath, he nudged his nose against yours in effort to gain your wandering attention. “Okay. Let’s do that. I’ll reset our phones, and calendars. We can do it right. You can do more gigs and I’ll follow you around the world. I won’t miss a single thing.” The proposal did not contain a single hint of humour, he needed you to know that he was serious.

“Really?” His words impelled a fluttering sensation to bloom inside your chest. The fact he was even entertaining your bizarre request was astounding. It was enough to nourish the seed of hope that was planted with his arrival.

“Yeah. Really.” Lowering his face, he guided his mouth to yours. The tenderest kiss was applied to your lips, lasting barely a minute. You loved how you could taste the sweetness of the tea he had earlier in the day. How his lips fit against yours perfectly. And mostly, you loved that this time, the action did not fill you with fear for the future.

You were simply… hopeful, and maybe a little bit excited.

“So what do you say, y/n? Let’s do it again, shall we?” 

Let’s do it again, shall we - let’s do it again 

Masterlist - Previous - Next

A/N: after battling with tumblr for days, I AM OVER THIS. :( BUT THANK YOU GUYS FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND STAYING BY ME EVEN THO I POST SO SLOWLY ;-;-; YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL. 

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[dirtycccat]

things that remind you of them w the demon bros+ (un)dateables

highkey tw for some unhealthy behaviors and uhhhhh maybe sensitive stuff idk just keep that in mind

lucifer

an impromptu orchestra concert in an abandoned church. a forgotten off key piano found at the back of an antique shop. tradition worth more than luxury. 

the crackling of fire. glittering glasses of wine. changing a vinyl with naked hands, brushing the dust off its hard body. a cold hand touching  the back of your neck in passing. whispered words of affection in the ear of your sleeping beloved.

running on air. falling with your lungs full of fire. trying to rebel against fate, against the inevitable moment the ground will break your bones for trying to cheat the laws of nature and its gods.

the heavy weight of perfection bending you backwards. counting down the moments until it will finally break you. measuring your worth in work, in being good at, in being useful, in being needed.

sticking up with family, with rules, with loyalty despite your own desires. acting like you’re the first but always putting yourself second. 

being afraid to dare to be selfish and to love. being scared of your own devouring passions. waiting for your beloved to take the first step and running the whole way to finally meet them.

mammon

the fluttering of wings in the silence of a white september afternoon. a sea of crows watching your every move from atop a nearby building. finding a black feather on the ground and keeping it in your pocket for good luck.

the friction between leather seats and leather jackets. heavy cologne mixed with the scent of sweat and leather. the purr of a motor. finding a half empty pack of cigarettes in the pocket of your old jacket.

winning second place so many times you’ve given up on first. still dreaming of clawing your way onto the top of the podium sometimes. 

the heavy burden of capitalism of having your worth monetized. having to constantly show the word you’re worth something. selling your soul for value. 

wanting everything you could never have before. overspending, oversharing, overwhelming. being too much but also never enough. 

finally being someone’s number one. strong arms holding you while you cry. a reassuring presence, a constant in your life 

leviathan

imposter syndrome. feeling like you’ll never fit in, like you’ll never be good enough.

replacing real life with dreams. looking at life from the outside. living inside your head.

playing games until 3 am on a school/work night. letting your passions consume you. still feeling guilty of not doing anything measured in money or public approval. calling all your hobbies guilty pleasures because you still care about what others think despite appearances.

finding comfort in the solace of the ocean. sitting at the bottom of the pool holding in your breath and your tears. crying in the shower. letting the water wash you clean and reborn. 

letting someone in. being accepted for what you are and the little you can offer. vast depths hidden by shallow waters.

satan

rage. pure unfiltered rage. the desire to stand up to authority figures.  clenched fists, heavy calming breaths, tightly closed eyes. tears of anger, of not being right, of never being good enough or smart enough.

subtle jabs. heavy sarcasm. veiled ironies. cruel eyes and bloody smiles.

putting your nose in a cat’s fur and smelling home. holding a small being full of love and feeling fulfilled. finally feeling like you want to protect and not just destroy.

having to put a book down after reading a certain line that perfectly described that unknown feeling you’ve had all your life. rereading the same line again and again and feeling the knot in your heart and stomach loosening. knowledge as power turned into knowledge as a way of truly becoming yourself turned into a shelter of understanding guarding you from the anger.

swearing in other languages under your breath. reciting poetry aloud by candlelight while drunk on wine and desire. heavy whispers full of hot meanings in the ear of your lover during dinner in languages spoken only by you two.

finally getting the happy ending you’ve always read about. finding your anchor. being a better you for your beloved. improving and helping each other with their shortcomings. balancing each other.

asmodeus

perfectly done make up that had you wake up 2 hours earlier than the others. using concealer to hide a pimple or any imperfection. pants too tight to walk in. the sound of heels in an empty hallway. 

caressing your desire while taking a hot bath. focusing on carnal needs, on your senses, on what you feel, on the present. drunk kisses. flirting with strangers at moonlit bars. red lipstick stains on blushing necks.  

drinking a glass too many despite the warning in your head. drinking to forget yourself. drinking to escape your fears, your inhibitions, your shortcomings. drinking to become the perfect you the others always expect to see you as. but also drinking to be selfish and feel good for yourself and yourself only.

the sad knowledge you’ll never be the best ever again. being compared to others and ending up comparing yourself to them. knowing your worst enemy is yourself, but trying to hide that fact with mean jokes and confident airs. feeling afraid of being known, but even more afraid of having no one knowing the real you.

beauty at a price. happiness sold for beauty. cruel beauty that devours its worshippers. 

the reassuring hands of a stranger holding your hair as you let it all out, the alcohol and the guilt. crying with your head on the cool toilet porcelain after you came home from a party that you thought would help you escape. 

help and love coming from where you least expect it. noticing the little things. noticing the person behind the character.

beelzebub 

an unknown hunger gnawing at your insides. trying to fill the empty inside but always choosing the wrong meal.

feeling satisfied after a good meal on a good day, feeling bursting on a bad one. devouring until you can’t. still feeling empty, still needing to fill yourself up but knowing it is useless.

feeling breathless and weightless after a run. being high on adrenaline and feeling like you can do anything. the smell of a sweaty used gym and leather boxing gloves. 

falling in love so slow and easy it feels like a meeting in the middle of an already drawn path.  

belphegor

living just to pass the time. living for others. living but forgetting how to live. being told to do better, to be better, to just get up and do something.

sleeping in. falling asleep at 6 am after a night of insomnia. hearing the world wake outside when inside you’re just going to bed.

strong emotions with no release. feeling full without escape.  dark humor. saying too much, revealing too much, being to much so you hide.

getting away with shit because you’re the smallest and feeling no guilt. 

the feel of fresh bedsheets. being covered in a blanket just right. feeling warm and protected in the comfort of your room.

love that comes like a question and an answer. love that feels heavy despite it’s light.

diavolo

a commanding tone bringing silence to a room. respect earned justifying the respect you were born with.

luck of birth. being born with a silver spoon. being sheltered, being always different, being untouched by the world outside and its people. 

being born with a burden. accepting your prescribed fate. believing in legends and asking yourself if you’re the hero or the villain of your own story. realizing that life is more complicated than fairytales.

abandoned castles. ivy walls and moss floor. a lit figure at the window of an empty mansion. the creaking of old staircases at night when you’re home alone. feeling like you’re from another time.

a strong hand squeezing your thigh under the table. the reassuring warmth of your lover’s presence in a time of need. being loved and not just desired. finally being touched where it matters.

barbatos

unwavering loyalty. living to serve. giving up on your individuality.

a shadow following you at night while you walk back home. sharp eyes locked onto yours from across the room. 

passive aggressiveness. hiding behind a smile. an impenetrable facade of public politeness.

the ennui of knowing too much, of living the same day, of being hungry  for a breakthrough. knowledge as a burden but also as a gift.

knowing everything about others but no one knowing anything about you. making small thoughtful gestures that remind others of your deep knowledge of their habits and wants.

finally being noticed and seen for yourself alone. getting the surprise you were craving. being taken care of.

simeon

living different lifetimes through your writing and through books.

the smile of a pretty stranger in the train that will forever visit your dreams.

a handwritten message in cursive on the fridge. a hastily written poem on the back of a receipt.

being the outsider. the watcher. being the director of the play of your life and not the actor.

tea that s just hot enough to warm your insides. falling asleep on an armchair with a book in your hand. sunkissed skin. the softness of summer. the fluttering of invisible wings.

ageless wisdom.

rewriting a cursed tale of history. going against tradition. trying to carve your happy ending. succeeding.

solomon

knowledge coming at the price of youth and life.

a thirst to know. devouring books. staying up until 5 am reading. eyes burning dry. feeling like you’re still not doing enough. head full of little nothings. feeling like you will never know anything however much you try read or learn.

notes in the margins of a book you took from the public library. wondering who is the person behind the words. fleeting attachments to the wrong people for the wrong reasons.

being the outcast. the kid at the back of your class reading a russian novel in the original language underneath the table during math class.

a house in the middle of the woods with smoke coming from its chimney. rituals in the dark. wet moss on your soles, the moon lighting up your eyes. the silence of night on a full moon. 

whispering prayers and praises to the earth under your breath as you go. feeling drunk on fire. noticing the magic around you. kissing the earth. finally grasping the knowledge you sold your soul for. asking yourself if it was really worth it and having no answer.

love as an adventure. finally feeling and not thinking. giving up on reason and embracing your heart’s guidance.

[mbti-notes]

INFJ here. I feel shame for using Ni. I don't like being immature, and even if I come up with tangible ideas for 'how the world works' so that I know which direction to go in, they would most likely be very off because I'm young and naive. I want to be wise-impossible rn. I've become very afraid of living life the wrong way because I don't believe an immature person is worthy of living their own way. But I also freeze up and can't visualize what goals I should pursue when I try to. Help?

There is no “one right way” to live life because everyone gets to choose their own path to realizing their personal potential. Your life is only ever as satisfying as the outcomes of the decisions that you make. Your decisions, so far, are merely motivated by shame, by the deep fear of being judged as inadequate, so you have chosen to dwell in the safety of nothingness rather than pursue the things that would fulfill you. Where does a path of nothingness lead?

It is you doing all the pointless judging of yourself, so it’s up to you to stop torturing yourself and allow yourself to be a real person instead of chasing unrealistic ideals -> self-acceptance. You’re imperfect, you make mistakes, you have negativity, you say stupid stuff, you have problems, you sweat, you bleed, you burp, you fart, you shit - own it and roll with it. The more you try to deny your humanity, the more it will haunt you, so embrace it. From there, you begin to improve from a good place.

The only “wrong” way to live life is to never learn from your mistakes. However, you will have no mistakes to learn from if you never try anything. Therefore, set simple goals (based on the things you love), live your life, and grow from the experiences - this is the way we all have to do it. You seem to have serious problems with shame, perfectionism, and fear of failure. I recommend working with a therapist to get to the bottom of it.

[thesextheorist]

External Male Genitalia

(Warning: One very shit side diagram of the male genitalia, and one computer generated image showing the difference between a circumcised and uncircumcised penis).

Hello my lovelies,

Sorry for such a long wait, I’ve been struggling with my mental health and motivation in general. However, I’ve had a mini holiday and I feel re-energised. I’m going to set myself a goal of posting a new ‘lesson’, if you will, on this blog every Friday. I just want to say another big thank you to all those who are supporting this blog and are wanting to learn more about your fun parts.

My first two posts were centred around the female genitalia (of which I am very familiar seeing as though I have one). We are now going to give some love to the guys and talk about male genitalia – I have done as much research as I can. Unfortunately with male genitalia it seems to be a case of…what you see is really all you get, externally anyway. I will do my best, but if something does seem off just let me know (remember this is a learning journey for all of us – myself included). Ok without further ado…

Mons Pubis – The area of fatty tissue that covers the pelvic bone, however it is not as prominent on males as it is females.

Onto the actual penis, which is split up into three main sections:

The root – this is internally attached to the wall of your abdomen, and connects the penis to the pelvic bones via ligaments to offer support. Colour coded Green (I’ve included some on the actual penis to help give the idea of how it supports the penis).

The shaft/the body – This is the tube like part of the penis. This is the area that swells with blood due to the three internal chambers which contain spongy erectile tissue (corpus spongiosum) which themselves are filled with thousands of gaps which fill with blood as the male becomes aroused. When the penis becomes erect, it lengthens and thickens, shifting positions as it lifts towards the abdomen – where the rather cringy term ‘standing to attention’ is aptly applied. Colour coded Orange.

The glans – this is the ‘blub’ or head at the very end of the penis, which can be covered with foreskin. There is the urethral opening at the end of the penis where both urine and semen are expelled from the body. Yes men only have ‘one hole’ and both urine and semen are expelled from the urethra. However, internal reproductive organs block off the ability to expel urine from the urethra when the penis is erect. The glans is also filled with thousands of nerve endings (4000 to be exact), meaning if you want a reaction – give it some special attention, don’t neglect the other areas, but this is the external pleasure centre. Colour coded Red.

Foreskin – This is a sheath of skin that is attached to the head/glans of the penis when males are born. It helps to keep the glans lubricated, mainly in older males. It is fully attached to the glans in these early days, meaning it can’t be pulled back. It starts to separate around age 2 but it can start partially detaching later in life. No matter what age you are, please for the love of God do not try to pull your foreskin back further than it will naturally go – you will hurt yourself. If you have foreskin it is important to gently pull it back and wash under it, if not a cheesy like substance delightfully known as ‘smegma’ can build up and potentially lead to infections. The foreskin can also be removed at a young age for religious beliefs. The removal of the foreskin is known as circumcision. There are also different forms of circumcision for different religions, but I am not qualified to talk about them. If anyone belonging to a religion that practices circumcision and the belief behind it would like to share their story please feel free (I will anonymise you of course and please do not post your experience unless you are 18+). Colour coded Red. There is an image below which shows the difference between a circumcised penis and a non-circumcised penis.  

Scrotum - The scrotum is the sac located behind the penis; it is literally a sack of skin to hold the testicles. There is a left and right testicle, and like female breasts they are rarely symmetrical – if there is one thing to learn about nature is that she hates symmetry with a passion. In fact, one side of the human body is bigger than the other. Anyway back to balls. The purpose of the scrotum is to hold the testes which produce sperm and hold them until ejaculation (the physical effect of an orgasm). Hormones, such as testosterone (clues in the name) are produced here. Testosterone is the main sex hormone found in males, it plays a key role in the maturing of the male during puberty – focusing mainly on the sex organs, secondly on bone mass, muscle and body hair. In some cases a male may be born with one testicle. This is normal, but I would always advise that you check with your doctors if you are worried about something (I’ll share a story about my asymmetrical tits and the doctors at the end to make you guys and gals feel better). Others may lose a testicle to a medical issue – remember all bodies are different and there is beauty in our imperfections. Colour coded Blue.

Perineum – Which is also eloquently referred to as the ‘Gooch’, which is located behind the balls and before the anus – it’s in-between the two. Much like on the female, the perineum can vary in size, between 1 – 2+ inches. It can also be stimulated during sex, again, just be careful. (see my second post on female genitalia for reference).

Right story time:

So I’m telling you all this to help with my own body confidence and to help anyone who may be going through the same thing either with their tits or balls, or anyone who may be struggling with body image in general. So during puberty my tits started growing in fairly even, until my left decided to be a bitch and outgrow the other. And this isn’t a ‘little’ difference – it is incredibly noticeable, and I have to wear special shaping and compacting bras to help with my shape and make it less noticeable. Now a lot of things can affect this, diet, hormones and genetics being some. I went to the doctors for two reasons, one to check that there were not any underlying health problems such as breast cancer. Thankfully that was a negative, but I still make sure to regularly check my breasts in the bath to be sure (I’ll include a post on this too). Two, to see if anything could be done to even them out, but the NHS said no as it wasn’t a real medical concern (which to be fair, it isn’t a medical concern if there is nothing causing it other than nature hating symmetry). I’m now in my 20s and still suffer with this problem. I’ll be honest with you, I’m self-conscious every day, I’m scared of getting naked and having someone laugh at me. However, at the end of the day, if someone laughs at your body doing something that it can’t control, then they’re a piece of shit who doesn’t deserve your time and you should wait for bigger and better things. No one is lesser because of their body, no matter what it looks like. Coming to terms with your body does take time, it is still taking me time, but talking to your loved ones (or complete strangers on the internet if you’re like me) is the first stepping stone to acceptance.

Alright, that’s a wrap on my external genitalia series! Over the next few weeks I’ll be covering erogenous zones, internal pleasure centres, masturbation, consent and safe sex (not necessarily in that order)! I will cover the reproductive systems at some point, but I will let you know that it is not my main concern as most education systems around the world teach sex ed with the purpose of reproduction. To say sorry for being so late with this post, I will let you guys choose what I next post about, just reply to this post and I’ll tally it up. Your choices are:

1 – Erogenous Zones

2 – Internal Pleasure centres

The runner up will be posted a week after the winner. I’ll stop counting the results on Sunday, 11th July at 9 pm (UK time/GMT +1).

The next post will also be a lot better than this one as I get back into the swing of it. I hope anyway. 

Take care and stay sex positive my lovelies!

-          Love, TheSexTheorist xxx

[morrigansmuses]

3 Golden Rules.

On Ethical disappointments. 

I was raised to be tolerant. To consider the views and opinions of others, to keep and open mind. I was a social outsider (homeschooled due to racism in the local school.) I vowed I wouldn’t ever exclude people for being different to me or having different values. I was desperate to make and keep friends. More than anything.

I was 15 in the late 1990s. Lonely as hell. I decided that I would befriend absolutely anyone who would have me. Essentially anyone who wouldn’t beat me up on sight for being foreign.

I decided that I had 3 and only 3 dealbreakers in terms of friendship.

RULE 1. They couldn’t be cruel to animals.

RULE 2. They coudn’t sexually abuse children.

RULE 3 They couldn’t be a card carrying Nazi.

If anyone in my life did any of those things I couldn’t associate with them anymore. But barring that I would try to accept them as individuals. 

Thats a pretty low bar right? I mean how could anyone fail to meet those insanely low standards?

See back then I didn’t know that shades of grey existed. I knew in theory that we were all imperfect beings, but I didn’t know what that meant yet in reality.

So I began to make friends. With normal kids. Actually probably nicer than average kids because they were sweet and sensitive enough to accept me for who I was when no one else would.

So the first hurdle I came across was that some of these people I was friends with enjoyed hunting. They would say for meat. I get that. Better than factory farming right? less cruel, less wasteful.

“You shouldn’t eat meat unless you’re willing to kill it yourself” They’d say virtuously.  

But then I saw them in action. Delighting in the act of killing in a way that I knew wasn’t healthy. Laughing at the kid goat’s head bursting in a shower of gore or the way an animal screamed upon being shot. Killing more than they needed… That’s an impulse I don’t believe humans should engender in themselves.

But it was for food. Right? So I overlooked it and silenced the voice in my heart.

One day my best friend shot a stray cat with his bb gun just for the laugh. It didn’t kill the cat or anything but the animal yelped and ran away. I was so upset and shocked that I burst into tears and it all came pouring out. Was he training himself to become a sociopath? I asked him.

He apologised. He never did anything like it again. He was very kind to animals, especially cats, ever since and doesn’t hunt them anymore for any reason.

I forgave.

That’s the first time I remember compromising a core value. It was like a tooth being pulled from my 15 year old head. 

I don’t regret it.

We’re still best friends. 

The second hurdle that started to crack my young heart was the undeniable fact that in the early 2000s almost every guy I knew in his early 20s had a girlfriend between that ages of 12 and 15. NEVER OLDER. I can’t stress this enough. They would vomit in disgust at the thought of a crone of 18 or 19. They were also VERY vocal about their desire and right to have sex with children after a few drinks. By the time I was 20 I knew I had aged out of the 20s dating pool. I wasn’t attracted to older men. 

No matter. I’m asexual and prefer platonic relationships anyway.

To this day I’ve never had a romantic relationship with a man. Because once I realised that Rule 2 wasn’t one any of them could keep, the trust was broken.

It wasn’t only men either. My closest girlfriend was a 26 year old substitute teacher who fucked one of her 15 year old students on a drunk night out once…

So they both had fun and boys that age are up for anything right? I mean. He probably still boasts about it today…

Right?

Plus… She was all I had. Like the only one I had at the time. I was so scared of losing her.

I turned a blind eye and ear. I tolerated. I didn’t have to approve of their teenage girlfriends did I? After all there were so many of them that if I cut them out of my life I’d have no friends ever again. Because the whole of society looked like them…

Thats the truth.

People in my extended family have dated 17 or 18 year old girls and encouraged them to drop out of school to have their children. People I love have done that.

I once knew a handsome, intelligent and charming man. He was dating a family member for a few months. He often defended the right of adult men to date teens. “Girls mature more quickly than boys.” He’d argue. Everyone would agree. After all hadn’t my great grandmother been 12 years old when she met my great grandfather and married him on her 16th birthday (with parental permission)? He was in his 20s. Just a boy himself surely? “We all know what children boys in their 20s are right?” Said my Mother… Whom I love very much.

Excuses were made.

Years later I discovered the the handsome, intelligent and charming man had been raping a 6 year old the entire time we’d known him. He is still wanted by the police today.

My father tells that when he was a boy of 18 back in the 70s he had kicked an older German man, a respected family friend, out of his car because the man had asked him to pull over, he had something important to tell him. When he did so, the man said that the Holocaust was a myth. An exaggeration, a Zionist hoax.

My Father was dating my mother at the time. She’s Jewish. So is his uncle, a Holocaust survivor.

He yelled at the man not to talk shit and made him walk home.

I am not my father.

The first time a Holocaust denier (a respected local businessman) voiced their opinion to me I froze. Then laughed. Surely he must be kidding... I argued briefly before realising that he’d made up his mind.

My well meaning people said I’d made a mistake. It was my job, they said, to change his mind. To educate him. Otherwise how would he learn?

I didn’t speak to him again but I still nod at him in the street because he employs a few of my friends and I wouldn’t want to make things awkward for them.

And also I don’t want him to yell at me. 

I have worked with Holocaust survivors and have survivors in my immediate family and I still nod in the street at a Holocaust Denier because we are raised to be polite aren’t we? Let’s not make a scene. 

We’re mature adults.

Aren’t we?

People are starting to turn weirder than they used to be. Politically.

My Leftist friends are in a secret facebook group... Strenuously defending China’s Uyghur genocide because Communism can do no wrong… And at the same time saying all the Israelis need to be killed for what they’ve done to the Palestinians. One suggests a biological weapon tailored to Jews.

My Centrist friends are suggesting we “Hang up democracy for a while” in order to combat global warming and welcome a global police state and stop “kicking off” about our rights all the time. “Maybe we need a jackboot up the arse” one of them says.

And the ones that aren’t on the Left?

My facebook feed these days is getting awfully full of Rothschild memes.

“We own every bank in the world and funded both sides of every war since Waterloo.” They say, next to a grinning caricature of Jacob de Rothschild. Reminiscent of a Nazi cartoon of a “Rat Jew.”

Even a hedge fund billionaire prick doesn’t deserve that, does he?

I don’t comment. What’s the point? They’ve watched all the youtube and don’t read history books on principal.

My Brother is getting into Qanon. So is my Sister in Law.

She follows the medical teachings of a man who thinks the Jews invented Chemotherapy to kill the Germans after the war. Apparently he is becoming more and more popular.

Eccentrics.

Thats all.

I’m half Jewish. Like My Brother.

One of the Survivors I know said that 3 weeks after the Nazi propaganda came into the school he attended, he was in Bergen Belsen and half his family was dead.

His neighbour was jealous because his father had 2 more cows than he did.

I hear Marine Le Pen is neck and neck with Macron to win France.

A good friend of mine said it's because by 2030 Muslims will outnumber white people in Europe. He won’t read the articles I send him. But he sure sends me a lot of YouTubes.

I ignore them because I don’t want to hate him. Maybe he ignores my articles for the same reason.

Hey 15 year old me…. You, skinny thing with the ethics, the braces and black eyeliner…

Those compromises I made were made out of love... And also fear. 

Please stop looking at me like that little girl.

“It’s true” writes my friend. They’re trying to breed us out. It’s all an elite Zionist plot.”

I close Whatsapp.

Here I go again I guess…

[babygojira]

top 5 films and why

1. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo (2011) bc it somehow revitalizes and also perfectly adapts what i read on the page all at once, through the pacing, imagery, casting, and the characterization + stylization of Lisbeth herself who means the world to me.

2. The Skeleton Twins bc its one of the most simultaneously hysterical and gutwrenching films i have seen ever, it is absolutely OOZING with the love everyone involved has for one another and this story, and everytime Bill plays a gay man he just has to go and make me sit there crying like "wait thats me"

3. Hausu, which I think i have explained why i love before, but i simply think it is such a fun and gorgeous picture of friendship and grief, the grief specifically coupled with womanhood, etc. and ANY time pain is personified in a haunted house i absolutely go bonkers in a good way that is a trope i will just die being in love with

4. I will go ahead and put Predestination here as a current in top 5 bc i haven't stopped thinking of it for a month... I truly don't wanna spoil it if ppl havent seen (this now 7 yr old film i was also very late too idk lol) but like... This film could not have landed in my lap at a better time for me personally. Its imperfect and to some may be stupid, and to others it might even upset them... but in the ways it represents people like myself, it did very well. Without going into any details it IS a time travel film which usually calls for a mess continuity wise but i was so pleasantly surprised with how neat this film was in that aspect. And all the while it carries a message of promoting healing and acceptance of yourself and also betterment when the pain you endure might put you on the wrong path. This shit got me good i cannot stress it enough.

5. Pan's Labyrinth, because it was frankly the first foreign language film i kinda picked up myself on my own, and the things it taught me at that younger age about another nation's historical events and trauma through the obviously visionary gaze of Del Toro really impacted me deeply lol... Like maybe it is silly but i was a kid and I thought it was gonna be this spanish language monster film when renting it, and it WAS but i recall a moment when i watched it where it occured to me i was learning about another country's trauma that i had not been taught before, and i guess to me at the time, the notion of it being taught to me via fantasy/horror was really new.

[hiss-and-vinegar]

Here’s an RP between Sir Pentious and @autokrates​! It’s from before their Picnic on the Weekend. This is just after @dontasktheradiodemon sent Alastor’s first letter to Pentious. Depression and Self Loathing are heavy things, and Sir Pentious is a man whose mind is quite complex and sick. 

TW for thoughts of self harm.

It is under a cut, and if that doesn’t work I am SO sorry, mobile users!

Sir Pentious He showed the first letter from Alastor to Valera, wanting a second opinion before he even thought to respond to it. Was it written with honest intent, or was Alastor mocking him further? She might have insight he didn't consider.

Valera "If you aren't ready and it still hurts you, you don't need to tell me! I'm sure I can judge this letter at surface value and come to a conclusion."

Sir Pentious "AH.......... HMMMM............" He does that He Is Looking Away movement...

Valera "Do you want me to read it and share my opinion as an outsider?" She is Looking....

Sir Pentious He nods... and hands it over to her. 

Valera Val will read the letter.... Consider her conversations with Alastor (via Vaggie).... "I think he's being genuine. Remember, this isn't the same man as the Alastor here. He sounds lonely."

Sir Pentious His eyes widen a little. As the Resident Lonely Man, Pentious scoffs.  "THAT ISS PERPOSSTEROUSSSSS. HE HASSS SO MANY TOYSSSS TO KEEP HIM OCCUPIED."

Valera "Oh, and did your work keep YOU from being lonely?"

Sir Pentious "THAT ISS DIFFERENT!!! HE LITERALLY LIVESSS FOR ENTERTAINMENT!!!!"

Valera "And you lived for your work, no? It consumed every waking moment of your time, didn't it?"

Sir Pentious "IT'SSS DIFFERENT!!!"

Valera "How is it different? Explain it to me."

Sir Pentious He IS LOOKING AWAY. Digging his claws into his sleeves in irritation. He can't. He can't explain the difference, except that he's stubborn and doesn't want to believe it. "ALASSSTOR ISS MORE THAN HAPPY TO BE ALONE, AS LONG AS HISSSS SUBJECTSSSS SSSUFFER FOR HISSS AMUSEMENT." Just like you, Penny!

Valera "Okay, that's the Alastor WE know here. Now what about THAT one. The one that submit this letter, something you know the Alastor here would never do?"

Sir Pentious He turns his head a bit more, rubbing where he pinched himself through his suit. "... I DONT KNOW. HE SAID HE WOULD GET MORE AMUSEMENT OUT OF WATCHING PAINT DRY THAN BE MY RIVAL. SSSSOUNDSS THE SSSAME TO ME."

Valera She snorts. "Sounds like he doesn't know how to deal with his emotions without lashing out and insulting others. Much like someone ELSE I know."

Sir Pentious His eyes widen again, and he turns back to her, hood opening wide. "NO! WE ARE NOT THE SSSSAME!"

Valera "The same? No. But you have similar struggles. You're a lot more willing to work with me than he'd ever be. I think if I tried to talk to him he'd deflect until he was blue in the face." She is STARING at this lil shit. What, you gonna deflect, Pentious? You gonna pull an Alastor?

Sir Pentious He's looking like he might Blow Up actually. He is flexing his claws as his brain feels like a Deep Fryer in 104 degree weather.

Valera What a BABY. But fine, she knows when to back down. A genial shrug, a spread of the hands in casual dismissal. "But of course, I've never met the man. That's just the impression I get from reading the letter. I have no further stake in this. Discard my opinion if you wish, you know him better than I do."

Sir Pentious HE IS SUCH A BABY. He SINKS into his coil to HUFF. "YOUR OPINION SSOUNDSS RATHER POINTED! ALASSSTOR ISS ALASSSTOR. HE BREATHESSS IN MY FAILURESSS FOR HISSS OWN AMUSEMENT. WHAT ELSSSE COULD THISSS BE BUT ANOTHER PLOY!!! I DON'T KNOW. I CANNOT TRUSSSSSSST HIM."

Valera Pointed? What, like the LOOK she's giving him? ".... I don't know why you asked for my opinion if you were never going to even consider a perspective other than your own. But alright, you're welcome to operate under that belief."

Sir Pentious .... He feels a frustration bubbling inside, and he has to ball his hands so he doesn't jam his talons into his tail. "CLEARLY!! I SSHOULDN'T HAVE ASSSSSKED. I WASSSSS A FOOL, YOU ARE RIGHT." Pentious, calm down man. Nobody's attacking you except you.

Valera She looks at bit hurt, but snaps her mouth closed before she can say anything. You know what? Fine. She's not even going to respond! She's just going to materialize herself a damn cup of tea and let him be a jerk to the BACK OF HER HEAD.

Sir Pentious He notices that look of hurt, and he feels suddenly like all of the juices inside of his body were suddenly replaced by bile. His eyes look insane and he feels those extreme invasive thoughts to punish himself. No, no, that's just instability talking. You unstable loser. Pentious quickly unravels himself so he can slither off to a corner and stew in his own brain.

Valera Val... Is going to take a bit. Finish her tea. Calm herself the FUCK down. And then the hard part is deciding if she wants to try talking to Pentious now or if she should let him have his Moment and talk about it later. On one hand, he tends to work himself into knots if she leaves him to the mercy of his own brain. On the other, is she really equipped to help? ... Maybe not. But she's going to go over there anyway and just sit Near Him.

Sir Pentious During her tea drinking, Pentious has his hands placed against the wall, flat--something he learned in order to keep his claws away from his body. He was always quick to attack himself if he could--digging his talons into his tail, deep as he could, to distract him from the anguish of his mind. He hated himself for hurting her, even just a touch. He used to love finding ways under the skin of others, to watch them writhe--and but hurting Valera? The thought of doing that intentionally made him feel like he should have hot tar poured over him. His claws tap against the wall, and he presses them harder against the surface. No. Oh, but teeth. Teeth were available. His arms were near.

And then he could feel her presence behind him. And he felt wretched all over again. Afraid to look at her--his hood fell down. What to say? He had given her the letter for her advice, and he'd made her feel so low. What a terrible excuse for a gentleman. He knew he should apologize, but he couldn't speak. He was still certain that if he opened his mouth, he'd say something awful.

Valera Well, it didn't look like HE was going to start the conversation. Not that he wanted to, most likely. The position he was in was... Somehow distressing to look at. Best to try and distract him. But she sucks at that, so. Uh. Hope being direct works!

"... Dearest. I'm not angry at you, and I don't hate you. What you said was hurtful, but I know you were lashing out from frustration and regret it immediately. So! I forgive you! Simple as that."

A shift, and she moves closer and to his right, leaning against the wall a few feet away from him. "Remember what I said during our second meeting? You're trying. Imperfect attempts count for everything. I see that, I understand that, I love you. It's okay to mess up, I'm not going to leave you."

Sir Pentious He's trying to take deep breaths--in and out, but they're getting quicker.  His gaze darts from left to right, up and down, like he's trying to focus anywhere but one place for too long--oh. His eyes are watering. What a pitiful state for a man of standing!!! Pentious grits his teeth, though they chatter from the way he's starting to shiver. He was trying so hard not to cry, it was tearing his insides to shreds. She reassures him that she won't leave him and that she still loves him, and that is enough to break him down like this? His mind is aflame with awful words for himself. But. He believes her. Of course he does. He couldn't believe in Alastor, but he could believe her. He looks like he's trying to pry his hands away from the wall, but. Hmm. It's like he can't. Oh, what a pitiful state for a man to be in!!! A man of standing!!!!

Valera Well, Pentious is a fool. He had the chance to walk away but now here comes Valera to gently press herself against his side. To wrap her arms around his waist and pull him closer to herself. A reminder that she's here. She's solid and real and Very Much Not Leaving.

"It's okay, honey. You can let yourself lean on me, I wont think less of you for having feelings. I want you to be open with me, for better or worse. I want all of you in my life, not what you think is acceptably up to standard. You're the love of my life and I want to be here with you."

A hand slides up to pull one of his own from the wall. So she can press a kiss to his knuckles. Mwah.

Sir Pentious He resists at first--when his hands come off the wall, he's afraid of where they'll go. One goes to his face, to cover his eyes, and the other to his mouth, to muffle his voice. She can reassure him so well, but he still resists. God, look at him... He really was such a mess. A choked sob which splutters out from between his fingers, and he shudders, crumpling on himself, though still against her embrace. Which leads him to fold himself against her, his body trembling as he sobbed. It's voiceless, for the most part, and he's trying to catch his breath, though it's nearly impossible with how shallow they were. He wants to say sorry, but he can't do anything and it frustrates him more. So... Pentious wraps his tail around hers. It's the only thing he can think to do while he's Preoccupied like this.

Valera It breaks her hearts, seeing him crumble like this. How long have these feelings built up to have enough weight to crush him so quickly? She squeezes him as tightly against herself as she dares, chest tightening with a vague, directionless anger at the world for whatever its done to leave her lover with these scars. No more. Bracing herself, she lifts him off the ground entirely, tail twisting around his as much to hold it up as to return his affection. And she carries him. The couch wont do, not this time. He needs bed, and covers, and pillows. Dim lights, and enough room for her to carefully, carefully, like he's glass, place him down and curl herself around him so it's just the two of them alone, the world is out that door and nowhere near them.

Sir Pentious The 1800s sucked, that's the gist of it. And Alastor sucked. And everyone who derived joy from watching him fail over and over and over sucked. Though he wouldn't word it like that. He clung to her, still struggling to breathe--but once they were hidden away in the darkness of the bedroom, it felt like he could allow himself to let go. His sobs finally had voice to them, and he could take in air. His hands moved from his eyes, only so he could hug onto his beloved tightly. Oh, Oh pitiful state. At this point, even he wasn't sure what had brought him to this!! It must have been so many things building. Oh, agony. Oh pitiful state. He can breathe, though, and he finally squeaks out an "I'm Sorry, My Dear", muffled against her neck.

Valera A pitiful life has been had by this incredibly sad singular pasta noodle. It showed in every fiber of his being at the best of times, and now with every sob shaking his body Valera could feel herself coming closer and closer to A Very Important Decision. But it could wait. For now, she just. Holds him close. Strokes his hood. Presses gentle kisses to his head. Let it out, Pentious. You've finally got someone willing to stay with you through your messiest times. "I forgive you, my love. Hold me as close as you need, let me be here for you."

Sir Pentious It's some time before he's able to breathe normally, and his crying has quieted down. It feels like the storm has ended, and he can think once more. Not in danger, no one was attacking, not even himself. Just warmth and safety from his lover. He should like... to stay here a little longer. Before their picnic.

Valera Oh? Have his feelings settled? Good! But she's established such a good rhythm, it'd be a shame to stop now. It's a moment of calm, just laying with him and doing repetitive, soothing gestures. Relaxing for both of them, really. Something to bask in. .... She WILL tilt his head back, just once. So she can look him in the eyes and give him her best smile. See? No hurt. No anger.

Sir Pentious It feels very nice, after that wreck he was in. His insides don't feel like vomit anymore, and he's just basking in her comfortable smell. Until she tilts his head back, and his eyes meet theirs. He swallows hard, and nods just a touch. She's okay. He's okay. He still feels shame, but it's okay.

Valera No, no. None of that now, Pentious. She gives him a scandalous little peck to the corner of his mouth, and runs her hand down the back of his hood. "Do you want to stay here a while? I think we could use a minute to relax before we go anywhere."

Sir Pentious A hand comes up... And he begins to run his talons carefully over her head fins. Pets for pets. "Yess, I should like to stay like thiss a while longer." He's whispering...

Valera Ah... She leans into his touch, eyes sliding closed as she breathes a pleased little sigh. That's the stuff. "We'll stay here as long as you want, love. But if you keep petting me like that I may melt on you."

Sir Pentious He snickers, smiling. There's the nice smile, with wide curious eyes. "Oh? Will you?" He will keep petting her, from base to tip, careful to keep it gentle.

Valera Oh, what a fool to tempt fate. She leans MORE into his claws, bumping against him like a cat demanding headscritches as her face relaxes into an almost sleepy looking, blissed out little grin. Here come the purrs.

Sir Pentious OH! the purrs!! He grins, and offers many scritches. Valera... Cute. "You are adorable."

Valera She'd protest, but she's too busy rolling on top of him to start rubbing her face against his chest. Purrpurrpurrrrrrrr yes keep scritching, she's gonna worm.

Sir Pentious HE GASPS, holy shit she wasn't kidding. He removes his hand... Tentatively....

Valera Her head shoots up and she Looks at his hand like it just betrayed her... And then she just lays it back down on his chest and keeps purring. Softer.

Sir Pentious He smiles.... HMMM... "WHO WAS IT THAT WAS GIVING YOU TROUBLE, VALERA?"

Valera "Mmm...? Oh, Erethis... He's an ambassador for one of the newer species. He likes to schedule meetings when I'm on break and then show up to bang on my door and try to tell me off for not showing up, fucker that he is."

Sir Pentious "MMM. I SSEEEE." He grins so wide, it's up to his eyes. "SSEND ME TO HIM IN YOUR SSSTEAD, ONE OF THESE DAYSSS. I INSSSISSST."

Valera She cracks an eye open, peering up at Pentious just to see if he's as serious as he sounds. Goodness, look at that grin. "Aw honey, are you offering to kill my enemies for me? You're so sweet."

Sir Pentious "OF COURSSE, MY DEAR. I WOULD KILL FOR YOU." his tongue flicks, and he nuzzles against her. "NO MATTER THE COSSSST, AND THISSSS ISSS PRICELESS."

Valera "I. Oh my gods? Babe.." She's flustered? She shouldn't be flustered. But she IS and it's EMBARRASSING. Fine. If he's going to be cute, she has to kiss him now! It's the only solution.