#of how people will find a person with an eating disorder (or at least signs of one) and can make being absolutely horrific to them

[sacrifical-lamb-core]

Every so often, someone makes a post that basically makes everyone say, "Oh cool, we can now clown on people with eating disorders without breaking mutuals with people,"

[xiaomainlmao]

Summary- Akashi Seijuro, the man with a split personality, meets a person who has no personality. Basically, Dissociative Identity Disorder vs Depersonalization-derealization disorder.

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Trauma.

No matter how big or small, it's the one main thing that can lead to personality disorders.

And no matter how dull your eyes looked when he forced you to look up, he knew that there was something behind your irises that resembled what he sees in his own reflection in the mirror.

Akashi Seijuro, the first year student council president, captain of the Rakuzan basketball team, the man feared by everyone in the school including his seniors. It was near impossible to surprise him, he seemed unfazed by everything.

And yet, his heterochromatic eyes were dilated. He stared into your own eyes, which showed no signs of any emotion whatsoever- no fear, no respect, not even surprise when he suddenly shoved your shoulder and forced you to look towards him.

He was tired of how you only responded to his words with a simple "mhm" as you did whatever reasonable job was asked of you. He was annoyed that you didn't show him the same level of respect as everyone else did in your class. And he was frustrated with how you just seemed to not care about his presence.

He needed answers.

And he did get answers, without you having to say anything.

"Tch," he walked away.

He had an urge to talk to you, be around you and find out exactly what lead you to be like this, just so he could feel like there's at least someone out there who would understand him. But he suppressed his urges.

He'd hear Oreshi's voice every once in a while, suggesting Bokushi to open up a bit, but as long as it was Bokushi in control, Akashi Seijurou would never let his pride fall.

"Maybe if I lose, if that ever happens." he'd scoff in reply, as he looked at himself when he washed his face before heading to bed. "If that ever happens..."

The Winter Cup was just around the corner. And as expected, Rakuzan made it to the finals without breaking a sweat. People from their school were there in the stadium, cheering them on throughout the matches, but Akashi noticed that there were also some who stopped showing up after a couple matches.

And he wouldn't have been bothered by it if you weren't one of them. All he wants was acknowledgement from someone like him, and yet here he is, facing off against his former teammates, knowing they wouldn't understand everything that runs through his mind.

Bokushi and Oreshi truly were like two sides of a coin, opposite but cannot live without each other. They were half of a whole of what made Akashi. But that also caused him to be confused about his own feelings. While both seeked attention, Oreshi wanted it to be out of understanding, while Bokushi wanted respect. Prideful was Bokushi but with a considerate Oreshi in the way, Akashi couldn't help but get swayed away often.

In the end, Rakuzan lost to Seirin in the Winter Cup. Bokushi accepted his loss as Oreshi was free to be in control again.

"What happened to your hair?"

Akashi found himself in front of you. He hadn't given it much thought, letting his instincts, his need, drive him this once.

He seemed to have changed a lot. But you on the other hand, seemed the same as ever as you sat there, alone, in the school courtyard, your lunch on your lap. That same, expressionless expression...

"Listen, I just want to talk."

"Oh, is this you letting go of your pride?" you took a bite of your food. "Wow, what happened?"

"Just thought of changing some things up. I hardly doubt that's abnormal."

You just hummed in response and continued staring into the distance. Akashi was feeling nervous. This is the one time he's willing to let go of his pride, so he better utilize it to the fullest. "Do you mind if I join you?"

"Sure, this spots empty anyway."

"What about your friends?"

"They're probably eating together, somewhere. I don't know, and I don't really care. All I want is to look at that bird nest over there."

Akashi followed your finger to the bird nest, where two baby birds sat, cuddling up to a much bigger bird. Then he looked back at you and the way your eyes were glimmering at the sight.

Huh, maybe you do show some emotions. And, if he were being completely honest, then even his eyes were probably glimmering at the sight. It was pretty peaceful after all.

"Say, Akashi-san, do you have an interest in the concept of 'still life'? It may seem boring to some, but it can bring a lot of peace to some others."

"I haven't heard too much about it, but would love to know more. Please do continue, yn."

Most of Akashi's conversations included work. To be able to talk about something so casual was a bit foreign to him, but he certainly didn't mind it. He hadn't realized how easy it was for him to get along with you. Was it because he'd grown used to your unfazed nature towards him and and his position? Was it because he realized that being seen as just another person isn't so bad after all? That he doesn't always need to assert his superiority as he was told to by Bokushi and his father?

Healing is conditional. It takes time and the right people. And maybe, choosing to be here with you might be his first step.

He's not sure whether this is Oreshi's consideration or Bokushi's pride, but he doesn't even want think about it, because right now, he's sure of one thing.

He wants to help you both get through whatever together.

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[chouxsardine]

The Lucky Ones -- Danny Wagner x reader

Summary: Does superstition still work its magic when it comes to love? --a spontaneous new year tradition leads to confessions between you and Danny

Pairing: Daniel Wagner x reader

Word Count: 3229

Warnings: mention of alcohol, cussing, superstitions, slight allusion to previous abusive relationship, insecurity

Genre: fluff, COTTON-CANDY-GRAPE LEVEL OF SWEETNESS, friends to lovers

Author's note: Here is a VERY LATE Danny's Birthday/New year fic and also my first time writing Danny! Inspired by the viral tiktok trend about amusing new year traditions. I find them very interesting. I wish everyone a belated happy new year and all the best wishes. Please enjoy :))

🎧: The Lucky Ones by Lana Del Rey (by now titles from song is canon lol I'm so sorry)

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You have always been a superstitious person, not religious, not believing in magic or the supernatural, just superstitious. Yes, you do believe ghosts exists, and you try to cover your eyes and ears when watching horror films. You hold awe and veneration for some “higher power” like your primitive ancestors. Since childhood, you have always been meticulous about the details, from the direction in which your slippers are pointing at when you take them off before bed to what to eat for breakfast the day of your school theatre showcase. Growing up, many people misunderstood your behavior as symptoms of OCD, but only you know that it is merely the result of your obsession with coincidences and the compulsion to recreate the happiness they have brought to your life; far from being diagnosed as an disorder.

You are going to spent the New Year’s Eve with Danny. You have known each other since you were little kids and have been best friends for over two decades. Friends and families have been teasing you two about being together, and almost everyone thought at least one of you was going to make a move during Christmas. But, alas, nothing happened as the days passed, and here you are, about to draw an end to another year of your friendship. Your feelings for Danny have certainly have developed beyond just platonic level, but you also didn’t want to ruin the precious friendship you have built throughout the years. Plus, you have to admit that you are waiting for a sign. Ah, yes, it is your superstition at work—you believe that there will be an omen indicating the time is ripe to confess your true feelings for Danny. It is not very often that he gets a break from touring and returns home. For now, you just want to be close to him, spend quality time together, and create more memories.

It is safe to say that you nearly jumped off the couch when you saw the trend about “eating twelve grapes under the table at midnight of New Year’s Day for good luck.” How are you only seeing this the afternoon of December 31st? You are already at Danny’s, and the only food you brought over is your renowned passion fruit cheesecake.

“Danny? Do you have any grapes left?”

“What?” Danny yells back from downstairs.

“Do we have any grapes?” You look around the room. The fruit bowl on the counter is filled with limes, which are for making margaritas later. Oh, you should have known better.

“I don’t think so. Do frosted grapes count?” Danny enters the living room and opens the fridge door.

You watch expectantly as Danny opens the freezer section. To your disappointment, there are only five freezer-burned round objects that could hardly be identified as grapes huddled together in a ziplock bag.

“What’s wrong, y/n? Suddenly craving some grapes?” Danny asks amusingly.

“No…well, yes,” You defeatedly close the fridge door and show Danny the post you just read. “It says you’re supposed to eat grapes for good luck.”

“Hum…”Danny’s eyebrows knit in concentration as he skims the article. “I think grocery stores are still open today.”

That’s the thing about Danny. Although you try to hide your superstitious behavior from others, you are never afraid to be yourself in front of him. Instead of thinking you are weird or childish, Danny finds your “little rituals” cute and endearing. He never presses on with questions, which only makes you more willing to explain them to him. And Danny is one hell of a listener.

Nothing compares to the last grocery run of the year. Maybe last-minute Christmas shopping comes in a close second. You are prepared for sensory overload when you see the preoccupied parking lot.

“Looks like everyone forgot something for their dinner,” Danny pulls open the passenger’s side door. Panic suddenly struck you.

“What if everyone has read about it and grapes were sold out?”

“I guess we will find out in a minute.”

Your worries almost became reality. There were only a few bags left on the fruit shelf, and they were obviously being picked over—from the plastic packaging, you saw a few were squished and watery, the ones near the bottom looked withered and brown. But you were positive that you could knock together twenty-four grapes from them.

“I swear you’re my lucky star, Danny. I bet there would be none left if you didn’t come with me.” You sigh in relief as you put all the remaining three bags into the cart.

“That’s a lovely to hear, y/n. Anything else we need for auspiciousness?” Danny asks half-jokingly.

“Actually, we do!” You remember the title of the little pop-up link as you scrolled to the end of the article and saw it mentioned collard greens and black-eyed peas.

Collard greens were easy to find; the panic threatened to twist your stomach again when you didn’t see any canned black-eyed beans.

“Kidney beans…chickpeas…romano…lentils….” Your eyes move fast down each row. “They only have bags of dry beans and we don’t have time to soak and boil them!”

Danny is scanning the label with you until he reaches to the top shelf and grabs a can of mixed beans.

“Look, there’s black-eyed peas in mixed beans. We can just pick them out,” Danny suggests.

“Oh my god, that’s genius!” You perk up immediately.

“Just making good use of my height advantage, I guess,” Danny beams.

On the way home, you are humming along to Queens playing in the radio and clutching the grocery bag containing a bundle of collard greens, a can of mixed beans, and three bags of grapes in your arms, as if you are taking home a puppy from the shelter. Danny couldn’t help but smile at your little expressions of contentment; he loves how you are always able to preserve the childlike innocence to appreciate all the tiny beautiful things.

As soon as you get back home, you dive into further research. By dinner, you had watched a dozen of different videos and five more articles about how exactly one should eat the grapes, answering your question of which colour grapes should you eat (both are fine, and you made sure to buy both red and green ones), whether you should eat them at the countdown to the new year or the first minute of the new year (the latter) , and whether you should sit under a table while eating it (answers vary on this one, but you decided to do it under the table anyways).

Danny is washing the grapes at the kitchen sink.

“Y/n, do you want to pick out the twelve you’re gonna eat?” He asks as he drains them in the strainer basket.

“Oh yes! Thanks for washing them, Dan,” You scamper over. Danny looks so cozy and relaxed in his sweater. His curls tied back into a small pony tail, a few stubborn strands framing his face. The hot, attractive drummer on stage that has the fans screaming and swooning is so different from the huggable human-sized teddy bear that you get to see a lot more often, but it still has the little girl inside you all rosy-cheeked and fluttered nonetheless. For a moment, you are lost appreciating his profile, his lips slightly pursed, long eyelashes casting shadows as he looks down in concentration. The grapes look delicate in between his strong and lean fingers.

“Y/n?”

You are pulled back from your thoughts and bump right into Danny’s mossy brown eyes staring at you. You feel your cheeks getting hotter. Is it still normal to feel the butterflies even after you’ve been friends for so long?

“You are doing this together with me, are you?” You ask as you hold up two grapes to the light, turning and inspecting them as a gemologist. You never wanted to push your own habits and rituals onto others. You have learned from that mistake in past relationships and have since been careful about not coming across as the superstitious version of the lunatic “horse girl”. Although Danny has been considerably supportive about this—buying the grapes with you, coming up the clever solution with the beans, and now this grown ass man is leaning over the kitchen counter and being the judge of a “grape beauty pageant” —the insecurity deep down still peeks around the corner.

“Of course, my dear. I wouldn’t say no to some good luck for the new year.” You can tell Danny’s smile is genuine. Upon seeing the curve of his lips, you could heard the bubbles of second thoughts in your mind popping.

“Look, we even got the cotton candy kind of grapes, those are your favourite.” Danny holds up a bunch of particularly green and shiny grapes.

You almost let out a chirp at the sight of it. You must’ve ignored the label as you hurriedly picked them up at the store. As the name suggested, they do taste like cotton candy. When your teeth break open the skin, the juices are like pure honey pouring down your throat. “And they make the best frosted grapes too!”

“You’re right. We can make another batch with the left overs to ‘replenish our frosted grapes arsenal’.”

You feel a warm, tingling sensation on your palms. Itchy palms are a good sign, right?

Half an hour to the new year, you have already situated yourself under the bar table in the kitchen, the only table in the entire house that is high and spacious enough for two grown adults to crouch under.

“Mind your head!” You extend your hand to pad the underside of the table as Danny gets down on his knees and scoots next to you, almost bumping his head.

“Ooops, close call,” Danny sat down cross-legged. “You know what, I just realized my house probably wasn’t the safest if there was an earthquake or something.”

“Shhh….Danny!” Out of your superstitious habit, you immediately put your fingers on his lips to shush him without much thinking. “Knock on wood!”

Danny pliantly knocks three times on the table above his head, laughgin at your seriousness.

You withdraw your hand, the softness of his lips lingering on your finger tips. “I don’t think this little table is going to do much anyway if it really comes to that,” you said.

“Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

The phrase came out his mouth so naturally, without a single second of hesitation. It transported back you into the time in kindergarten when you were pushed aside while waiting for you turn to play on the slide, you looked up through tear-blurred vision; the time when you were on a camping trip and you were nervous about stepping off from the canoe onto the river bank; the time in the scary escape room where your palms were all sweaty and your teeth were biting your bottom lip so hard that it almost drew blood…all these times, there were always a pair of steady hands beside you and a calming voice saying, “Don’t worry, I’ll protect you.”

You quickly blink a few times, getting back to reality and focusing on the two plates in front of you. It must looked like the weirdest “Girl Dinner”—a forkful of boiled collard greens, one tablespoon of black-eyed peas rinsed and drained straight out of the can, and twelve grapes (six green and six red).

“Okay, enlighten me on how to do this,” Daniel asks.

“So I looked into it a bit more. We are supposed to eat each grape along with each chime of the clock once it strikes twelve, but realistically I don’t think anyone can do that without choking, so we just have to make sure we finish all of them by 12:01. Then we eat the veggies and the beans.”

“Uh-huh, weird combinations,” Daniel muses.

“I know. That’s why I got us champagne afterwards to wash it all down.” You point to the two glasses not very far from you.

“Damn. All teed up.”

“Oh I almost forgot! One more very important thing: you are supposed to think about the wishes for the new year as you eat the grapes, one for each month!”

Your palms grew slimy again as your eyes glued to the counting down on the phone screen.

“Oh my gosh, Danny we are doing this…six, five, four, three, two, one!”

You close your eyes and start popping grapes into your mouth one by one. The excitement and adrenaline crush down the twelve preformed coherent wishes in your mind into word soup. Apart from the recurring ones like “health,” “safety,” and “happiness,” the letters spelled “Danny” again and again. Wishing Danny to stay happy and healthy, luck and success for the band and touring, hoping you get to see Danny more, spend more time with Danny, be with Danny….

You swallow down the last bite of your grapes as you open your eyes. You see Danny looking at you, smiling, his cheeks still puffed like a hamster from chewing. There is something magical about seeing the person you wished for right there the moment you open your eyes. It is like seeing the fairy godmother popping up on your birthday cake after blowing out the candles. You giggle as you both devour the greens and the beans, and your glasses clink together as you gulp down the champagne, releasing the satisfied “ahhh” exhale afterward.

“Oh wow.” You hold up the phone. The both of you watch as the seconds tick to 00 and the minutes change from 0 to 1.

“Happy New Year, Y/n.”

“Happy New Year, Danny.”

You two still sit in the not-so-comfortable position under the table, listening to the echoes of the chimes and the sound of fireworks in the distance, savouring the imaginary freshness of the new year, taking it all in like sniffling the smell of ink on the crispy pages of brand new books. Suddenly, you feel the warm feeling slipping away from you, as if visualizing a red line dropping on a thermometer. You don’t know if it’s the sight of the empty dishes and glasses or the adrenaline ebbing away, you aren’t prepared for the previously tamed insecurity to suddenly resurface. The aftertaste of the grapes turned sour in your mouth and made your skin crawl.

“What’s wrong, y/n?” Sensing the change in your mood, Danny turns to you, immediately finding your hands and soothingly brushing circles on your palm with his thumb.

“Danny, are all these…am I…too much?” Your voice are incredibly quiet, fearing it will break. Before Danny can answer, you continue, “do you think this is too….childish and crazy?”

“Okay, y/n, take a deep breath,” you felt the warmness of Danny’s hands steady on either side of your cheek, grounding you in his loving gaze and gentle touch, “you’re not going to cry on New Year’s Day, that’s not good.”

You take in a shaky breathe, trying your best to ease the stinging feeling in your eyes as the tears threatened to spill.

“Good girl. Now, talk to me. What happened? Why are you sad all of a sudden?”

“Danny, I just felt like…” you are plagued by the flashback of the hurtful words of your ex, it still stings as you recite them, “I need to grow up and quit these stupid superstitious nonsense, quit fooling around like a five-year-old…and, and treating everyone around me like one!” You inhale deeply again to regulate your breathing.

“No, y/n. Look at me, and listen.”

“You don’t make eye contact with the microwave timer when it’s has 13 seconds remaining. You always try your best not to step on cracks on the pavement, which makes you sometimes do those goofy strides. You always visit every wishing well in the cities we travel to.”

Your eyes widens as Danny recounts each of your weird little habits chapter and verse. Wait, he remembered all of them?

“I don’t give a fuck what other people have said about them, and I wish you don’t either.” Danny always tries not to swear in front of you, so you know he really means it when he pulls out those words.

“They are what makes you…you. They are an essential part of being y/n, and that’s important. You should never second-guess or change yourself just because some asshole yaps about it. Remember that one time you told me you always cling on superstitions because you feel like good things don’t often happen to you in life, so when they do, you want to remember the way they come and try to make sure they visit the next time?”

You nod, your heart melting.

“Hearing that breaks my heart, y/n, because I think you deserve all the good things in life. It’s my wish that in the new year, this beautiful, kind, and wonderful girl in front of me will stay away from toxic people, keep the people that love and cherish her close, and always prioritize her own well-being.”

“My wish and my luck is seeing you be happy, you know that? I’m the luckiest man in the world when my girl is the happiest.”

“Danny…” You lean into his touch, closing your eyes for a few seconds to savour the moment. You feel like an air ballon fueled by the love in your heart, free and fearless.

“I really like you, y/n,” he said, “as a friend and more than a friend.”

“I like you too, Danny. My feelings are mutual.” The words automatically fall out your lips, as if they have been prepared for this moment for years.

“Yeah? You know what my other wishes are? I hope y/n can be my girlfriend. I want to prove to her how lucky and deserving she is of all the good things.” He is looking at you as if you are the most precious being in the whole world, and in this moment, you truly are.

“I think…I can make that wish come true.” You say timidly, your hands also cupping his jaw. You can feel the pulse on his neck, eager and quick.

“You know it’s also good luck to kiss loved ones on new year’s day, right?” He whispers as he draws your chin to pull you close. Without any hesitation, you attach your lips to his. The kiss is soft and loving, with the residual sweetness of cotton candy grapes.

Because you were closing your eyes and making your wish, little did you know, Danny was watching you every time he popped a grape into his mouth. Every wish he whispered silently in his heart is related to you. He hoped that you’d be by his side for all the twelve upcoming months. He would be the happiest man in the world if even one of your wishes included him.

It turned out that good things don’t always need a sign to happen. True love is always on the hunt; it may creep up on you or catch you by surprise, but either way, it will always find you in the end.

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Yeah! you made it! Thank you SO MUCH for reading :))

any comments and feedbacks are greatly welcomed and deeply appreciated

Do let me know if we want a tag list :D

Some more of my works: Mariner's Complex || Permission to Fall

Ticked (all my boxes) || Love is a four-legged word

[cupids-chamber]

2023/08/23

I'll be on my way now, I'm closing down all my other blogs and ask bin. I'd prefer if no one reached out to me during this time.

I'll be active on my Wattpad account if I feel like writing from time to time, (I'd also like to finish what I started) I've also made an AO3 account, in case I post anything. I plan on posting my Concubine series & Circus au works there as well.

(More info below the undercut)

Hi! This may come of as a shock, and I try not to get too open on this blog, but a month, or so ago. I posted about how I might have DID. (I did extensive research on DID, and reached out to my cousin who had DID for help, and though I will not self diagnose, I match almost all if not all the symptoms for it.)

This Cupid persona has developed into someone of it's own, and I don't feel like I'm the same person as before, and in all honesty I genuinely don't even know who I'm anymore. It's hard for me to focus on my health and mental health, along side simple tasks and even hobbies like writing which I love.

I will say coming into tumblr, the past two years caused me more harm then good. I've realized that though I came into this app being extremely s*icidal and interacting with the users here have made me feel better about myself. It has caused many negative impacts, and I can confidently say that due to me obsessing over writing on time or everyday for tumblr, I've developed an eating disorder of sorts, and recently it seems my body is rejecting food as a whole.

I love writing, and I love that people enjoy my writing, sadly it's the cause of a lot of health issues, mentally and physically. And though I still write from time to time, recently typing or writing by hand makes me feel awful and it's not like those usual burn outs.

I feel like crying as I'm typing this up, and a lot of people may call me dramatic for this but I genuinely feel a pit in my stomach when I go on this app it's not even funny anymore. This blog itself has caused me so much trouble behind the scenes, and though I'm not quitting. I most certainly can't leave something I've worked so hard on, (and this is the place where I met the few people that honestly may not know it, but probably helped stop me from offing myself.)

Like I said, I'll be on different apps, maybe once every 2 weeks or a month, but I'm trying to avoid social media, trying to pick up new hobbies, trying to gain some sort of stability in my life because I'm not stable enough to handle anything right now but like I said, I love writing and I think you guys should at least see it through on the series and tasks I've started.

I'm crying now, and I'm very grateful that you've all supported my work, and allowed me to explore my writing on this platform, I've learned a lot about this fandom. I still find it ironic that people call me a workaholic, I'm genuinely the biggest procrastinator you'll ever meet.

Thank you for supporting me, because without your support and reassurance, I might not have been here until now. Especially to some of my moots, who took the time to chat with me.

So, this is goodbye I suppose. At least on this platform, maybe not forever, but it is goodbye for the next good while.

— Signing off, cupids-chamber

[inurehuman]

pantomime reboot

Full Name ── Theophilus William Camden

✮ Proxy Name ──PANT⦻MIME

✮ Nicknames ── Mime, Smiler, BNW freak (BY jeff, doesn't like it)

✮ Gender ── Male

✮ Sexuality ── Aroace(Cupioromantic and asexual)

✮ Sexual Preference ── None

✮ Pronouns ── he/they/it

✮ Date of Birth ── 19th september 1906

✮ Age ── 118

✮ Place of Birth ── England

✮ Nationality ── English

✮ Languages ── BSL, speaks English when xe is forced to speak

✮ Scars ── scars and burn marks across his skin from being tortured while he was in the "hospital"

✮ Height ── 6'8 feet

✮ MBTI ── INTP

✮ Zodiac Sign ── Virgo

✮ Natural Hair Color ── brown

✮ Hair Colour (now) ── black

✮ Hair Length ── to xiers chin

✮ Eye Colour ── Black

✮ Skin Colour ── brown

✮ Smell ── Black ink

✮ Proxy-mark ── wrist(covers them up)

☆ has met Zalgo before two years after being turned into what it is now and 3 years before being turned into a proxy

☆ gets along best with the organ harvester, Ticci toby, Pick pocket and Terror tony.

☆ tried to kill jeff once during a manic episode

☆ Once kissed the organ harvester

☆ Sexualizes himself during depressive episodes

☆ insomnia (Heightened in Manic episodes)

__`☆ About them:`__

❧ Status 》Dead/entity

❧ Species 》Proxy(?), demon humanoid

❧ Relationship 》Single

❧ Skills 》 murder, whipping, dancing, a bit of art

❧ Likes 》watching EJ bleed sometimes, dancing to music, listening to people he is fond of ramble, Peperoni, Human flesh

❧ Dislikes 》Bullies, crowss, smell of smoke or coffee, some textures (polyester, cheese), getting forced to talk (it hurts them, due to their vocal chords being permanently damaged from being tortured.), BEN, Jeff and Natalie, Laughing Jack(finds him creepy)

❧ Touch 》 hates it, but let's some people touch his appendages

❧ Fears 》losing a person they are fond of, seeing his father again

❧ Triggers 》Talking about xiers past, calling xem names, saying the sentence, "Dont fight back, let it happen, it will all be okay soon."

❧ Weakness 》Will cry if remembering his past, cries acid, anxiety, cuts his appendages sometimes when triggered, can barely talk

❧ Working for 》Slenderman but disobeys sometimes

❧ Work 》Proxy

❧ Addictions》cutting

❧ Earning Trust 》possible but takes at least 5 weeks

❧ Items 》Candy canes, whips, book and a pen

❧ Aid 》 ticci toby at times.

❧ Parental Figures 》None.

❧ Theme songs 》 So cold by Breaking Benjamin, Emergency contact by pierce the veil, Going under by evanescene, Zombie by the cranberries and if you can't hang by sleeping with sirens

❧ Disorders 》 Existential OCD, social anxiety, emotional disorder in childhood, generalized anxiety disorder, Schizophrenia, C-PTSD, body dysmorphia, major depressive disorder

__`☆ Favourites:`__

❧ Favourite Interest 》 bugs, how human nerves work, dancing to music Life in general

❧ Favourite Songs 》I will not bow by breaking Benjamin, bad things by get scared,dead memories by slipknot

❧ Favourite Artists 》 Breaking Benjamin, sleeping with sirens, decaying nature, Black Sabbath,Slipknot

❧Favourite Animal 》xe eats animals when he can't get humans, but insects, especially Beetles

❧ Favourite Colours 》 Maroon red

☆༄࿐ Personality`__

It is observant, and tries to be polite as much as they can, when they are triggered however they often lash out in a way of hurting their fond ones and will cry about it later on and apologize in a way of giving them gifts (which can be handmade or an eye that they ripped out of their appendages). Generally shy, and often stays with a person they are fond of to socialise. When they are having hallucinations they will hide themselves under its appendages and not come out until someone else comes in and "protects" them from what they are seeing. They are a sensitive person and hide in the shadows. However, don't underestimate them. He is capable of killing people in brutal ways, like ripping out their spine and then eating their lungs

•☆༄࿐ Backstory`__

It was 5 a.m., and my father just went out of my room after screaming at me and telling me I will not get food tommorrow. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and blood dripped down my nose, 'Hold it in. You know Father doesn't like it when you cry.' I think to myself and get up and make my way towards the door.'It is my fault, I shouldn't have screamed about the man standing in the doorway. At least he is gone now.' I silently whisper as tears keep falling down, and i wipe them away. As I make my way over to the bathroom, I see that terrible creepy man again..His eyes, wait no he doesnt have eyes, nor a face in general, it reminds me of the dog like creature, but that one has somewhat facial features. I dont like them. I can feel a headache forming. He is waving. I shut my eyes and ran to the bathroom, hoping for it to be over and quickly clean up my blood, and and sigh out again. It hurts. I decide to just go back to sleep. Crying is for the weak, that is what the father said.

Of course, I am awoken by the sound of yelling. My father hit my mother again, which is normal for my family.. I wonder why she doesn't fight back, even if it is the opposite of what she always tells me to do I still wonder why, she is strong, I've noticed after she slapped me for asking if I am actually real. _"Dont fight back, and let it happen, it will all be okay soon."_ common sentence I have heard a lot of times now. I wish father would be nice again, then I wouldn't have to hear it. I can't say it, though, otherwise father will hate me just like I hate myself. I put on a smile to not seem too terrible as Father sends me to school even tho I don't want to go.

In school, it is terrible once again, the kids mock me for my stutter, I can't help it, and it is not my fault. They exclude me from games in the break, they don't talk to me, and they throw sand or pebbels at me on the playground. Oliver does it the most, I don't get why he doesn't like me. I never talk to him. He tells me it is because I am a devil's child. But I pray every night to God? If I am a devil's child, why don't I have horns? Why doesn't my body look weird? Am I actually real? Is everything real? What if this is not real and I am dreaming? Questions run through my head, but I stay silent, I pinch myself and put on a smile. Okay, I'm not dreaming."It will all be okay soon." I repeat in my head until I am home.

At night, I pray once again, I get tired of praying, but I don't dare tell. If I do, My Father and the priest will be angry at me."Dear God. Please protect my mother and me from my father. Amen." I silently whisper as I hold my 6 year old hands together and hold my eyes shut.

My mother comes into my room, she tells me good night, and that we will go to a special place tomorrow. "Did God hear my prayer? How can he hear my prayer? Is he real?" I ponder after she has left my room, and I write and write into my diary until I fall asleep.

I am awoken once again by my mother. This time, she isn't screaming. However, her eyes are puffy. Has she been crying? She tells me to pack my things to go to the special place, someone will help me there. They will 'fix' me. But what is there to be fixed?. Will they fix my brain? Will they fix my stutter? What will they fix and how? Could I have figured it out? I take my diary with me and my clothes and ofcourse I shouldn't forget Smiler, my plush dog.

We ride in a train, and she hugs me a lot of the time. Father tells her to quit it. She does stop hugging me,yet she squeezes my hand and excuses herself as she begins crying again. Why is she crying? Is it my fault? I squeeze her hand back. I stay silent.

Doctors await me at the special place, smiling. I ponder again. Why am I here?

I tremble and tears slip down my cheeks as I open up my diary for the first time in a long time and begin to write."It is terrible. Everything hurts. They beat me a lot of the times, they use me, and they forget to give me food. I don't understand how I should be fixed, I want this all to stop. They made me dance for them today like they did all week. They made me touch them, I do not want to be here anymore. They take needles and inject them into me, i believe i have abornmally grown.." And I write and write until I see matches laying on the ground..

The building has been burned down. However, there has been a diary found. It is covered in dirt and most pages are unreadable, but scientists have been able to decipher some pages. "I can hear them. They are right behind me.And I can see them. They are laughing at me, mocking me. I'm still locked inside, I want to get out.. they forced me onto a machine yesterday, It burned and burned. Today, they took me into a room away from the others and whipped my back until it bled. It all hurts so much. I dont understand why, i had to stay silent or otherwise they wouldve have put me on the pullmachine again, i dont know if my body can take anymore..They injected something in me today again, it hurts. However, it will all be okay soon. I will be fixed. That is what they said. I need to pray again."

[thephloxbayou]

Im so fucking angry.

I wasnt going to talk about going per protocol but this was so fucking lame it doesn't matter. It was never a threat or a blink on existence.

I went to a local vigil for Aaron Bushnell.

Now, a few things. This is my first time getting to go to anything like this. I have a sleep disorder, and I work nights. Usually activist groupings tend to happen last minute/you find out last minute. I'm far from Boston, on Cape Cod (I've mentioned where i lived generally before hence why I dont mind saying it here), and it's an ordeal to go even for fun. Things rarely happen on days I have off, and if they do, i probably worked the night before or have to that night. I cant take work off, im poor and its hard to get last minute coverage without my job being at risk.

But I found out yesterday about the local vigil. I rested up well before my shift, did it and came home and got very little sleep. But I could manage and that was the point, I could so I should. I had clothes prepped, black bloc even though i didnt expect anything to happen, and dressed for the cold and rain (its closer to 50 today). My phone was at home, my ID and house key in the car, parked some ways away and walked, only had my car key, a water bottle, and a few fruit snacks on me. It started at 1pm but I got there at 2 (lack of sleep plus making sure to eat a good meal just in case rather than run out on a near empty stomach).

I didnt expect a ton, this area is wealthy and white, but I wanted to be ready if anyone of color got harrassed because I have my privilege as a white person. Good to practice anyways. I also felt like maybe the gathering would have more energy, given that it came out that Aaron was a Cape Cod native. Either way, I was prepared to stand outside all day even if the rain that was forecasted was pouring down.

Well I walk up at 2... and they're wrapping up. Everyone (like 45 people) is standing around with signs, but theyre chatting and holding the signs down at their sides. They took a group photo with their signs calling for an end to this horribleness while smiling. I finally managed to say hello to the organizer, and mentioned that I didn't realize everyone would only be here for an hour. "Well it started to rain really hard." People stood around and talked about their anger at our government, and the horrors of whats happening in Palestine, then left because they were cold and it was wet (was listening to conversations and goodbyes. I was wandering on my own, everyone else was with friends). I heard the organizer talking about how he just vacationed in Costa Rica and was going back, then going to some other vacation spot.

My husband was surprised when I came home basically right after I left. I am so deeply angry by how comfortable these people out here are. This is not the first time Ive complained about that, i grew up with a hard life, we came out here on an opportunity, so I wouldnt off myself in the bad situation we had been in, and with his mother's help where she could (he grew up here). Ive never felt comfortable here because these people are living in a different world than I do, and even people who are just normal people and not some rich asshole look at me weird when I say stuff that I consider perfectly normal given where i grew up/class level. You're so angry over this, over the pain the people of Palestine are going through, that you go through the effort of organizing an event, and you stand around and talk about your "anger," and then you LEAVE after an hour because it's a little cold (warmest day we've had in weeks) and it's raining, which was forecasted and you could prepare for???

I havent calmed down. I cant go back to sleep cuz I already took my adderall which i need to stay awake on any regular day with that sleep disorder. I went ready for a fight, I wasnt expecting one but I was prepared, and expected at least a little energy from the group. But nothing. You accomplished nothing but making yourselves feel better.

I wish I could do more. I wish I had money to donate. I wish I had the ability to go physically support activist movement. All just like I wish I could during the summer of 2020. Im constantly torn between recognizing my position and suffering as valid and not a reason to beat myself up for not being able to do more, and feeling like I'm not doing enough and it's just excuses. But I just... cant fucking believe everyone I saw today. I mean yeah, i believe it, i know, i knew, but im just still furious. This is why we're in this fucking position people.

[fakeythinspo]

Spotting photo manipulation

Alright i realise i made this side blog like a month ago and then left it to rot so i decided to make a little tutorial type thing on how to spot potentially fake/manipulated thinspo bc if you’re gonna be on edblr it’s important to know what is and is not realistic

I AM BY NO MEANS AN EXPERT ON PHOTOSHOP but i have been eating disordered and on edblr for ~literally half my life~ and I know how to sport fake shit when i see it for the most part

Ok lets go, telltale signs of photoshop, with examples for those of us who are visual learners

1. UNREALISTIC ANATOMY

I know how easy it is to be consumed by the disorder and dismorphia and become blind to anatomical anomalies but if you take your time are really absorb what you’re looking at they stick out like a store thumb in most cases

no one’s hips are 1/2 as wide as their shoulders

it’s giving salad fingers babe

2. WARPING

Fairly self explanatory. When people use editing to slim themselves, make their bums bigger, etc, the surrounding areas can be warped such as furnature, hair, walls. Quite easy to spot in most cases, however some can be quite subtle and go unnoticed at a glance. If a line is supposed to be straight such as a doorframe and it isn’t 99.9% chance it’s photoshopped

These BBLs killin’ y’aaaaal

Example of a more subtle warp that could be missed without a closer look

3. FEATHERING/PIXELATION

Ok so feathering is the term used to describe when pixels become stretched to create a “soft edge”. When someone uses the liquify tool to change their body shape, this can be a dead giveaway but it is one that can be harder to spot if you don’t know what you’re looking for. The liquify tool basically stretches/compresses pixels. What you wanna do it look around the sillhouette of the body, and compare areas looking for inconsistencies in pixel count/quality. If someone’s face is in HD but their waist and thighs are 480p, that’s photoshop babe. Backgrounds may also become blurry in areas where liquify has been used which can be a giveaway.

Finding clear examples of this was actually quite tricky as it is one of the more difficult tells to spot, so here’s a clip from youtube (cr. Nerd City) that explains it concisely

4. FUCKED UP LIGHTING/SHADOWS

We all know how light works. Light from one direction casts shadows behind things that hit it. So if light is coming from the left, but there’s no correlating shadow on the right, it’s safe to assume some editing has happened. But it can aslo be more subtle than that, so it’s key to look for consistency in the light/shadows in an image.

Another clip from Nerd City to explain this one

5. LACK OF IMPERFECTIONS.

If you’re looking at an image and the person is it has zero flaws, it’s 99.99999% fake. Everyone has pores. Everyone has body hair, or at the very least peach fuzz. Most people have stretch marks, wrinkes, folds, acne scars, celluilite, etc. Real people have “flaws” that no amount of makeup and lighting can hide, keep that in mind always.

[erigold13261]

What was/is Team Sayu and Neon J’s childhood like? (Is it bad) (most likely bad) (is it any different in canon and FRAU)

The Sayu Crew's childhoods are relatively the same with just some minor changes to choices, Remi has some major changes because of Eve. Neon's childhood is vastly different from OG to FRAU.

But uh, for the most part they are not good. Please read the trigger warning. Also it's really long.

[Trigger warning for abuse(financial, physical, emotional), transphobia, homophobia, fatphobia, hate crimes/murder, eating disorders, forced unnecessary medical surgery (mention of lobotomies), ableism, suicide/suicidal thoughts, alcohol/drug use, underage drinking, drunk driving/car crash]

OG Tila and Sofa have relatively the same childhoods as their FRAU counterparts.

Tila's family put her into singing classes at a young age and pushed her to keep her voice up in the hopes she will make it big as a singer. She obviously does because of Sayu, but shortly before that her family finds out she is a lesbian. OG Tila was able to run away from her family and get emancipated from them when the Crew signed up with NSR thanks to Eve's help. FRAU Tila though never had a connection to Eve through Remi, so she (and the others) were never emancipated. So now her family basically take her money as compensation for a "disgrace" of a daughter (there are no real laws to this because she is a minor in their care, so they technically have a right to take her money). Tila is too afraid of her parents to really fight back or say anything and is terrified of them trying to force a guy into her life if she starts trying to date other girls so she just focuses on work.

Sofa's family was always pushing them to lose weight and try to look better or be "healthier" even though their weight was never a problem and didn't impact their health. The constant belittling and comparing of their body caused them to isolate and start delving into computers where they learned they liked programing and editing videos. Which just made their family even more judgmental of them. They sorta accepted Sofa for coming out as nonbinary, but they kept making remarks like "no one will ever take your gender seriously when you look like that" (basically saying only skinny people are nonbinary, which is not true at all). Sofa honestly thought a lot about ending their life, especially when being forced to exercise to the point of throwing up sometimes.

Once the Crew was formed and they joined NSR, OG Sofa was able to get away from their family and learn how to love their body the way it is. They even started exercising more out of enjoyment with Dodo than being forced to. Unfortunately for FRAU Sofa, they were still stuck with their family. Who hired personal trainers for Sofa with their own NSR money along with restricted their allowance and food intake (basically starving Sofa) to try and make them skinnier. Sofa ended up developing an eating disorder and started forcing themselves to puke to try and satisfy their family just so they would leave them alone. Sofa's family even started suggesting cosmetic surgery to try and "fix" Sofa's body for them, but thankfully Sofa has enough power to flat out deny those suggestions.

Dodo was never a talkative child even though he could respond physically to people perfectly fine. He was developing perfectly fine except for being non-verbal. His parents put him into speech therapy classes and tried to force him to talk, which he did end up doing even though he would get severe panic attacks out in public and have meltdowns that only further annoyed his parents. OG Dodo's parents ended up following the advice of someone who told them to enroll Dodo into sign language classes. They did but refused to learn sign languag, making Dodo still talk or at the very least write down what he was trying to say. It got to the point that Dodo just stopped trying to communicate with his parents (or anyone really) at all. It also didn't help that Dodo was into wearing dresses and skirt along with dancing. His parents tried to force him to stop but thankfully by the time they saw this part of Dodo he was joining the Sayu Crew and was able to leave his family.

FRAU Dodo was the same up until his parents' taking someone's advice. Instead of putting him in sign language classes he was forced to get a surgery for a new voice because his parents thought his voice was wrong. It didn't help Dodo to voluntarily keep talking, but it did give his parents the ability to guilt him into talking since they "spent so much money trying to fix him" that he just forced himself to talk. Especially once he overheard them thinking about doing another surgery on his brain to see if that would "fix" him. It was technically easier for him to physically talk but the mental aspect of it just really hurt Dodo. By the time he joined the Crew he was too afraid to ever truly express himself because his parents were willing to basically lobotomize Dodo in the hopes of getting rid of anything they deemed abnormal.

Remi's story is the most different out of the Crew compared from OG to FRAU. Both Remis' fathers had Eve with one woman and then Remi with another. OG Remi lived with his parents with Eve coming to visit her father almost every weekend and some holidays (she was 12 when he was born). The two were able to grow a pretty good relationship, especially when Remi started showing signs of liking art like Eve. Once Eve went off to college she saw less of Remi but was still a supporter for him. Once Remi joined NSR he also came out as trans to friends and family, which his mother heavily disapproved of and tried to kick Remi out while his dad was trying to tell Remi that he wasn't a guy. Thankfully Eve was able to help him out, made sure he got away from that environment, and even helped the rest of the Crew get away from their toxic families. She set them up in a big apartment and helped each of them get situated into their new lives.

FRAU Remi on the other hand did not have Eve to help him. Eve only ever came around on very select holidays. She only saw Remi like once or twice a year, and when she visited she was basically being forced to go which only soured her mood and made it difficult for the two of them to form any kind of meaningful bond. Once she left for college Remi never saw her again until he joined NSR, other than, you know, seeing her on the TV which pushed him to try and follow her footsteps. So he worked very hard to try and hone his artistic skills to try and be a graphic designer for NSR. His parents told him to not hold his breath because he won't make it far considering Eve is so much better than him and he shouldn't be looking for handouts from his half-sister (which he wasn't, he just wanted to follow her footsteps).

Once he became friends with the Crew and they made Sayu, they were able to join NSR but not get away from their families. Remi tried coming out as trans, but quickly realized that was a mistake as his parents disapproved and even tried to hit him. They almost forced him to quit NSR because it was "obvious that the fame was messing with Remi's head" but Remi was able to persuade his parents (with money) to let him keep working and stay with his friends. He even promised to never talk about being trans again and admitted he was a girl and would never try to be a guy. That was the only way he was able to still stay onboard as Sayu's lead designer. Thankfully the Crew respects Remi but they've had a few close calls of almost using masculine pronouns for him while in the presence of his family.

For Neon J, his childhood and life basically hinges off of one decision he decided to make which drastically changes the outcome of his and many other people's lives. Firstly though, let me talk about his life in both OG and FRAU before the change.

Neon used to have an older brother (by a few years, maybe 3) who he looked up to. They were very close and did everything together. As they grew up, his brother started showing interest in boys. The parents disapproved and would yell and scream at Neon's brother. They would belittle and embarrass him for years, making his life a living hell and trying (but failing) to get Neon to join in on hurting his brother. They were trying to "force the gay out" of Neon's brother. It all boiled over to the point that Neon found his brother dead in the closet after coming home from dance practice one day. His brother had killed himself from years of abuse and self hatred. Everyone was devastated. Even the parents because in their eyes, they were just doing what they could to "fix" their son.

As both OG and FRAU Neon started to become teenagers, they started to realize they liked girls. Both were obviously terrified to even try and talk to their parents, but this is where the change takes place.

OG Neon hid this side from his parents. Pushing them away and never opening up to them (they had suspicions but never really found out). He let his anger for himself and his parents fill him. Taking it out on other students who messed with him or his small group of friends. He started going out with his friends more, partying and drinking to try and mask the pain he was feeling. Experimenting with different substances and people. Even racking up a reputation for being a whore in his school. While all of this was happening, he was also making music with his friends, to the point they were able to go to a Lights Up audition as 15-16 year olds. They lost, and were humiliated by the judges only triggering Neon's anger more.

He ended up in a fight with his parents about his behavior where he stormed out of the house and picked his friends up in a car (his or his parents', doesn't matter). The group went out drinking and partying, trying to forget their worries and pain. Only for Neon to swerve while driving and hit a tree. Two of his friends died that night, and another was put into a coma. He was the only one to not be severely hurt (his chest was all torn up from his seat belt, but he was alive). After recovering, his parents were able to settle things behind the scenes with the other families (who were not as angry as they should have been since they could not give two shits about their kids, one family was even happy to be rid of their burden). Neon ended up just leaving his family at 16, dropping out of high school, and going to work as an apprentice toy maker until he decided to join the navy. He would never talk to his parents again, but he would tell his wife Martha about them and she would go to them out of desperation years after their divorce to escape an abusive relationship.

For FRAU Neon J, instead of hiding himself away from his parents, he decided to just tell them he liked women, but he also liked men! He came out because he didn't think he could ever fully hide this part of himself and was afraid to make things worse if he got caught later on. And his parents... they accepted him. As best as they could, they accepted Neon because they did not want to lose another child and regretted what they did to his brother. They saw this as a second chance to do what was right and support their kid. Because of this, Neon never pushed himself heavily into rock/music as an outlet and so he and his friends never went to the Light Up audition. They never started drinking or doing drugs because there was a safe place for all of them now. If any of Neon's friends needed a place to stay for the night, they had him and his family.

On the night that OG Neon and his parents had a fight and went out partying, FRAU Neon was home with his parents. He had declined an invitation to go out with his friends so he could work on homework, or some music, or dance, just something that kept him in that night. And the next day he woke to the television talking about a hate crime that killed a lot of people at a local gay club. Neon's friends were out there that night and were some of the victims of the attack. None of them survived and Neon felt distraught at the fact he could have offered them to come over to his house that night and possibly save them from this horrible fate.

In the end, FRAU Neon went on with his life, leaving home when he graduated high school and went to work as a candy maker. He dabbled in toy making a bit, and fixed machines that he worked with. He also ended up getting top surgery at some point (OG Neon's car accident gave him a make-shift top surgery that the surgeons had to clean up. They were going to reconstruct his breast but Neon never got that far into the healing process). He joined the navy a year or two after OG Neon. He still keeps in touch with his parents at times (less so after building 1010 and joining NSR), so does Martha as she had met them during their marriage and they still see her as a daughter-in-law even after the divorce.

[So yeah. That is "basically" the differences. Neon's life has such a high importance on the story of NSR. Just him not going to the Lights Up Audition with his friends is what leads to Tatiana being the way she is. And probably why the Sayu Crew's family is the way they are, as FRAU Neon joining the navy later actually leads to an extra year or two of wartime.]

[ridiasfangirlings]

I don't know if you've done something like this before...so Saruhiko loves Misaki, they're dating ig....buut unfortunately Misaki can't satisfy him in bed, let's say he isn't lacking only in height oops ;) but you know who is troubled by such problems? Mikoto 👀 So now we have Saruhiko who loves Misaki but he loves to do the devil's tango with Mikoto since his bf unfortunately can't satisfy his other needs. Please entertain the idea even if it may go beyond Saru's huge love for Misaki and may sound a bit OOC to you 🙏

Okay devil's tango made me laugh XD I do have some trouble seeing Fushimi doing something like this, since he'd be once again knowingly hurting Yata, but maybe looking at this less like Yata not being able to satisfy Fushimi and more Fushimi attempting to subconsciously sabotage his own relationship because he still thinks it's going to collapse anyway. Also maybe relating this to one of those asks I had in the past about attachment disorders, imagine Fushimi with more of a fearful-avoidant attachment disorder and so in this AU rather than avoiding touching strangers at all costs Fushimi's had a lot of sexual partners as just flings, basically his way of searching for affection while also rejecting anything with permanency since he assumes it won't last. Post-ROK Yata confesses his feelings to Fushimi and Fushimi accepts them but at the same time he's still dealing with all the old fears and doing his best to keep those from Yata, like he's simultaneously in love with Yata and terrified of Yata leaving him but at the same time he still can't bring himself to think this will last either.

When they start sleeping together Yata is of course a total virgin but say he's completely unaware that Fushimi is not, just assuming that the Fushimi who always hated being close to anyone certainly wouldn't be sleeping with other people while they were apart. Really though Fushimi's had multiple partners and he's pretty well aware that Yata is not, ah, well-endowed and also doesn't particularly know how to use it either, leaving Fushimi unsatisfied entirely. Fushimi doesn't say as much but it starts eating at him, like maybe assuming this is another sign they aren't compatible and he never should have let things get this serious. Assuming this is also Everybody Lives AU imagine this is when he ends up going to Mikoto, who has no idea that Yata and Fushimi are dating (because I think he'd absolutely refuse if he knew Yata and Fushimi were together). Even during the betrayal years Fushimi's had something of an 'not-quite-enemies-not-quite-friends with benefits' thing going on, like imagine Fushimi getting into some trouble at a bar once when he was trying to pick up a partner for the night, almost having his drink spiked or something, and Mikoto happened to be there and helped him. This spiraled into sort of a thing that Fushimi claims to hate but never actually did, and it's far too easy to go back into old habits (and maybe part of Fushimi is vindictively excited about this, cheating on Misaki with the same person he still feels like Yata 'replaced' him with). Mikoto isn't thrilled about the whole thing at all because I think he'd at least have some idea that if Fushimi's here wanting to sleep with him again there may be some emotional things going on but he also figures better him than Fushimi going to a random bar again.

Eventually Yata would have to find out about this and of course he'd be heartbroken (and Mikoto I think would be fairly pissed at Fushimi for not being honest with him, I could see him basically telling Fushimi to deal with his own problems and not draw other people into it, and that would be the end of things between them). Fushimi would just take Yata's betrayed look and part of him feels excited by it even as the rest of him is disgusted with himself, like I could see him in some twisted way thinking see Misaki this is how it feels when someone throws you away. But at the same time he knows he's just broken the best thing he ever had because even now he still can't bring himself to believe in anything permanent and isn't it for the best anyway, that Misaki won't be tied down to him anymore. I think it would be hard but not impossible for them to reconcile from this but Fushimi in particular would need some therapy or something, like he needs to face that he's purposefully hurting Yata and that he's allowed to have permanent things, he's allowed to be happy, and come to terms with the fact that what he really wants is for Misaki to stay by his side. Yata being more the hurt party in this situation I think more would have to try and understand why Fushimi's doing this, like to him at first it's unforgivable but when they finally talk and he starts to realize how afraid Fushimi is of everything to do with real intimacy and relationships he at least starts to realize what the reasons behind all this was and it gives him an outlet to forgive Fushimi if only Fushimi will ask him to.

[growandrecover]

I really want to recover because I feel like my ed is taking over my life, but I’m not even diagnosed and I’ve told very few people about it. I’m still in high school and recovery feels so impossible. How do I even start?

hey, anon.

You don't have to be diagnosed to recover. I wasn't formally diagnosed, but when I started telling the people who worked at my treatment that I had anorexia, they agreed. Idk what that means for me, but technically I wasn't either, so you're not alone. I was in high school as well when I started recovery, my sophomore year, in fact. I totally understand how it feels. It's mind-bogglingly overwhelming, isn't it?

But you're here, asking me for advice, which is already a huge step! That shows that you want to get better and you understand that your ed is all consuming, which I definitely didn't when I started recovery, so that's incredible. I'm really proud of you.

I know that starting off in recovery seems like it'll take forever, especially when you see people who've been in recovery for years. Trust me, it goes by faster than you think.

If you haven't told your parents/guardian, I'd recommend that be your first step. I know that telling them is probably the hardest "confession" you'll have to make (other than the one to yourself), but it's for your recovery, and hopefully they'll be able to help you.

You can skip this part if you've already told them, but let me brace you: they may have a wildly different reaction than you'd ever expect. My mom, one of the most loving people on the planet (in my opinion), reacted in anger, which I totally didn't see coming. Now I know (because she's told me) that she was angry because I'd been lying to her about my ed, and she was angry that I could do that to myself. My dad, on the other hand, reacted softly, and he was very gentle, which I could have never predicted.

If they're able to help, I recommend going to therapy or trying to get into treatment if you can. If you're able, just a heads up: the sign up process is long. There wasn't a waiting list for mine, but it's just an arduous process in general, so it was a few months before I was actually able to go.

If you're unable to go to treatment or therapy, that's okay. You can still recover. I know some people think they can't recover if they don't go to treatment or therapy, but that's not true. Those things are helpful, but not 100% necessary *in some cases.

I'd recommend that you join groups if you have some in your area, or if you can find some online. We don't have any where I live, but you should look into it. Hearing other people talk about their experiences with eds is a powerful thing in recovery. Especially if you have something else in common. For example, in my treatment group, we were all girls, all about the same age, which was helpful, because we could all relate to each other at least on some level.

If you can't do that, I'd advise that you try to educate yourself about the recovery process so you have some kind of idea on what to do in order to get the most out of it. My therapist told me I should get this book, and if you can, you might want to as well. It's called The 8 Keys to Eating Disorder Recovery by Carolyn Costin and Gwen Schubert Grabb. There's interactive parts and a list of stages so you can go to the chapter you're in. If you're not a reader (then I'm sorry for making this post so long), YouTube has all kinds of helpful videos, like what to expect in recovery based on the ed you have, Kati Morton, who's a licensed therapist, makes great videos about eds, and if I'm not mistaken, I believe she's had one as well. Seeing people in recovery or just starting out helped me a lot. It kept me inspired, and made it seem less daunting.

If you're a TikTok person, there's plenty of videos about recovery, what people are eating, and how they're overcoming certain challenges they put in place for themselves. (I don't have TikTok so I unfortunately can't recommend certain people, but I did see some of their videos in a YouTube compilation lol)

If you're recovering on your own, I'd say that you should try to challenge harmful behaviors you've created (bingeing, counting, measuring, over-exercising, purging, etc). Of course start small, as discontinuation of any of those things will be scary, but you can do it.

I really hope this was helpful to you, and I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery journey. You're doing so well, and I'm so happy for you, love.

If I didn't answer the question fully, or you want to talk, please feel free to submit another ask or send me a message.

Lots of love ♡

[silentmassacres]

tue, nov 19

there came a time in which the length i was so far ahead of people became shorter. even those either behind or equal to me came to have an easier time with the things i'd prided myself in, or things i needed desperately, yet couldn't reach. it's become so easy to surpass me.

and so, i feel the need to make up for it. even if not a soul listens to me, i can pride myself in certain aspects. of course, these aspects just set me apart more, but they always have.

it's harder now. and, unfortunately, the aspects that push me ahead are seldom noticed. when there's little recognition of the things that i can do well, then we go back to the feeling of being behind.

it makes me bitter, which is awful, of course. but when it feels as though i'm looked down upon constantly, it almost feels justified. "if you look down upon me, then i'll switch those roles" kind of thinking.

—

i do get. worried, with my emotional issues. those around me get it, i've made sure of that, but i can't help but wonder what that implies for my relationship. i'm not an outwardly emotional person, including affection, and i know that's bad. it's subjective, i guess, but in this situation, it is a bad thing.

i don't mind my emotional processing. i prefer it and i don't want to force myself into the unknown for the sake of being more. palatable, or something. that's the part that worries me — how much will i, or both of us, have to change to function together?

maybe therapy will help. maybe somebody will tell me the key to not being deeply traumatized and behaving normally in a relationship. the hard part is accessing therapy. i might start fighting for it again

—

i hate discussing trauma. in personal contexts, at least; if it's detached, then i feel less connected to the conversation.

but discussing trauma is like discussing any other issue, and when aid is based off of who listens, then it tends to get to you when nobody does.

and, of course, it tends to come down to whoever screams the loudest. but sometimes that's not it, sometimes it's just chance or severity. i hate thinking about severity.

i know what i've been through is bad, yet i can't help but feel like maybe i'm just dialing it up for. pity, or something. this thought process often goes hand in hand with straight up denial — if it wasn't a severe experience like anybody else, was it even bad at all?

i still do question it. i know that the brain is able to freak out over things that aren't real or that bad, so i have to wonder if that's the case. sometimes i wonder if pretending i have no trauma at all would be easier. or less, at least.

i think it'd make me look bad. there's a reasoning for my more unsavory behaviors, be it mental illness or trauma. if those go away, then there is no reasoning — i'm just broken, or evil, or something irredeemable altogether.

—

i've been somewhat vocal about my worsening state. it's a warning sign, really, to tell others that i'm not being malicious but instead can't find any energy to do anything.

it induces worry, i know that much. i wish i could talk about the extent of it, but i don't want to induce. that much worry.

i worry i may fall into disordered eating again. social media algorithms have been seeking me out and it's making me consider it. i don't know what happened to my discipline; maybe i could do it again, if i build up to it.

but i'm horribly depressed. and when i'm snacking to cope, that only leaves me starving and miserable. i wasn't miserable over the summer, not because of it.

—

i'm scared about the self harm thing too. i wish i could say i know better, but it really is a slippery slope. i don't want to get rid of my blades, partially because i use them for multiple things, but it gets hard trying to distract myself sometimes.

i got really scared that night, when the blood wouldn't stop. it hasn't even scarred yet, though it is decently healed, and i find myself wanting more. that scares me.

i feel like i'm 14 again, trying not to make cutting myself into a daily habit. nobody noticed before, i don't see why this would be much different.

[browserfreak]

can we stop saying this fucked shit in the year 2024??? yeah we get it girlinspo on instagram, you like using mental disorders as comebacks. maybe you fucking shouldn't.

as an autistic person, I see people freak out when someone calls something fictional 'autistic', but not calling a living, breathing person 'narcissistic' or 'paranoid' or anything of that nature. I'm fucking sick of people using these words as a casual little thing, a character trait, an ADJECTIVE. Paranoia SUCKS ASS. OCD SUCKS ASS. BPD SUCKS ASS. and WHY does it suck ass? Because half of the ass sucking is the world being full of ignorant little shits that won't recognize their struggles. That leads us to the OTHER half where they struggle to live or get help for their worse symptoms because of ignorant people.

Due to the popularization of 'tiktok psychology', shit like THIS is so so prevalent in every online space. It pisses me off to no end how people just use these real disorders as fucking throwaway adjectives, despite them being REAL DISABILITIES and MENTAL ILLNESSES that are in the minds of REAL PEOPLE. They call their ex a narcissist, they give signs of OCD and it's only 'likes to keep things organised', they call their child ADHD because they like causing trouble. Again, TikTok reduces everything it touches to a steaming hot rotting corpse that eats the flesh of the people who are involved.

Also, quick thing on Paranoia, paranoia DOESNT equal schizophrenia. Some people DO experience hallucinations, but mostly paranoia is delusion. Of thinking there's always someone watching you, or behind you, or that the world is fake. ITS NOT QUIRKY. Its FUCKING ANNOYING. Do you think I enjoy sweating my ass off thinking about if God is judging my every move???? NO!

I'm out for fucking blood bitch. Nobody disrespects my fellow mental disabled people like this. Fuck Off!!!!!!!

Anyone reading this post who is not mentally ill / disabled, think, WHAT LANGUAGE DO YOU USE EVERYDAY THAT COULD AFFECT PEOPLE LIKE US? I get not having any disabled friends by sheer coincidence, but maybe at least talk to people like us or read our blogs / stories. Being educated and accepting will make you feel better, will make other people near you feel better, and you'll discover some things about society.

(by the way this is NOT about self-diagnosers. I love you, self diagnosers, im so sorry that this shitty system doesn't allow you to get the help you need, or at least find out whether you have it / possibly have it. Also if you find the person who made the original post do NOT harrass them. this is towards the whole "culture" around it and not this specific post)

[capriciouscaprine]

haven't talked about my progress towards my body goals in a while, so why not now!

even tho I ate more than I even really wanted to and went up a pound instead of dropping over the last week, I am still seeing the visual effects of being lower than normal people and being under the week previous; it's definitely true that body changes lag behind weight changes, as far as I've experienced

my fingers are juuuuuuust hitting that stage where the bones are narrower than the knuckles, and my forearms are slightly slimmer than my wrist joints; now I can tell when I'm dehydrated just by looking at the backs of my hands bc those veins POP out like I'm a body builder if I go an hour (or even less!) without downing at least 8 oz of water in that time

I've thickened back slightly as of this morning bc of my eating last week, but the day before I had allllllmost hit full gap without flexing or posing; since it's happening lower than my long-term goal number, I think I'll be able to use it as a warning sign in the future even without a scale that I'm approaching a point I don't want to be at

speaking of goals, and this is the most disordered part of this post, I do want to go under 100$, just to see what it's like and be able to say I lost a full 100$ from my measured start; I don't think it'll be sustainable, and honestly shopping is already getting tricky ~20$ higher, so once I do achieve it I'll have a personal celebration and then re-evaulate my daily food plans and come back up to perhaps 110$, if I have a t gap and no tummy rolls at that number

I really am primarily focused on shape over number; I want the gap, I want the hands and wrists, and I don't want to spill over a waistband no matter what I wear or how I sit; once I'm settled into my new career (PLZ), I'm hoping to start a workout routine for flexibility, joint health, and a LITTLE strength, and I expect any muscle gain will put my numbers up even as my shape stays the same

I also want to stay low so that I can fluctuate upwards without it being too noticeable; I know there will be pizza days and whatever else in my future, and I plan on appearing normal and enjoying myself responsibly over stressing about a specific number the whole time; I definitely don't want to be the person who feels compelled to bring a scale with me on vacations! I want to enjoy flavors and experiences and accept small changes that I know will be reversible once I'm back on my usual schedule and meal plan at home

it's the most obvious epiphany, but really, there is a number of c's that will maintain a certain size on a given body; go up and you're in excess and the body will gain, go down and you'll be in deficit until you reach the size that matches that intake level; changes in metabolism will change what this intake number is, which is also affected by genetics and other personal factors, so there is no one-to-one, 'eat this to weigh that' guide, but once I figure out what that number is for me, I can just keep eating that, leading to figuring out a regular meal plan I don't have to think too much about; sub in this food for that one or whatever as much as I like, so long as it's the same number of c's as what it's replacing; as someone who randomly gets tired of a food that I've eaten nearly every day for no reason, this is a reassuring thought to have!

I will say, I wonder if my tracker app is actually giving me a reliable daily max or not; does it really individualize for everyone (within reason?), or at a certain low goal does it just start giving everyone the same goal that algorithm is not mathematically capable of going under? I suppose I'll find out the more I use it!

I hope everyone reading this is having a great day and continues to have a wonderful week! if not, I hope things get easier for you soon!

[feralgremlinchild]

Tw death, medical, child custody

(also I can’t remember how to do a read more so heads up it’s a long post)

I’ve been gone a while, I kept meaning to return but everything in life just kept getting worse. Taking care of my mother became more of a challenge, and the past 6 months she was in hospitals and skilled nursing homes. We had some good times together, I took her to see the eras tour in theater because she absolutely loved Taylor swift.

My mother died a week and a half ago, thankfully she was aware of what was happening and she was ready for it. She had unfortunately already been legally dead and revived and intubated before she had a chance to sign a dnr. She hated being intubated, but I tried to help as best I could to make communication possible for her the seven days she was intubated. I made her a talking board.

I tried my best to treat her with dignity and make sure she had the little comforts the past few months. I drew signs for her hospital wall, I brought her her favorite stuffed animal, I clipped and filed her nails, I brought my (retired) service dog to see her because she adored him and he always made her feel better. Helped order her food. Found solutions to little problems like an elastic band for her watch instead of a buckle. Assistive devices and technology. It never felt like a chore, it wasn’t a decision I had to make, I just did things.

She had finally decided a couple months ago that she was not going to take more of her dilaudid than prescribed. And she was actually sticking to that. I had been waiting for that my entire life and I was so so proud of her. She was trying very hard. She wanted to see my niece again, she wanted to be around a while longer. Up until the beginning of March, the doctors told us they weren’t sure how much time she had left, but it could be months or even a year, it depended on her recovery. Her body’s ability to recover. In the end though it was just too tired, she’d been sick her entire life and she couldn’t recover from this last infection.

My niece’s dad allowed her to visit the hospital a couple days before my mother passed. I didn’t get to see the kid because I wasn’t at the hospital, I had already gone home. The kid had been given a phone for her birthday a few days earlier, and has been allowed to contact us so far. I haven’t seen her in person since December, but I’ll see her on Friday at the service. We’ve been texting though, mostly about games we both play and inside jokes.

I had to buy a black dress because my old one ripped. I have lost a lot of weight recently anyways, it probably wouldn’t have fit. It turns out stress and grieving can take the pounds off you even when an eating disorder couldn’t. It’s not exactly happy weight loss. I haven’t been celebrating it. But the weight did need to come off, so maybe at least my joints will be a little happier.

Now I have to find a job at some point in the next couple of months. The insurance money won’t last forever, and I had always planned on getting a job after my mother passed. She had been my full time job for years. I’m going to get a job, help my dad sell the house, and then move out of Texas. If all goes well I will be in New England this time next year. It’s a big move but I need to get as far away as possible, I’ve been dreaming of this for years and years and it’s finally time to start making steps towards it.

Also both of my big dogs have large tumors and I have no money for removal or treatment.

Also also my cousin’s wedding is in less than two weeks and it’s a 5 hour drive minimum and I did get a dress and it’s good but I do not feel like celebrating anything right now. The guy is nice tho, very kind and has what the church people call a heart of service. They’re cute together. And my cousin is great and I love her and I grew up with her almost like a sister, even going to the same schools. But I’m just not in a happy wedding mood. I’m going anyway of course.

[inurehuman]

redesign and Updated Version of pantomime

ASK QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Full Name ── Theophilus William Camden

✮ Proxy Name ──PANT⦻MIME✮ Nicknames ── Mime, Smiler, BNW freak

✮ Gender ── Male

✮ Sexuality ── Aroace(Cupioromantic and asexual)

✮ Sexual Preference ── None

✮ Pronouns ── he/they/it

✮ Date of Birth ── 19 th september 1906✮ Age ── 118

✮ Place of Birth ── England

✮ Nationality ── English

✮ Languages ── BSL, speaks English when xe is forced to speak

✮ Scars ── scars and burn marks across his skin from being tortured while he was in the "hospital"

✮ Height ── 6'8 feet✮ MBTI ── INTP✮ Zodiac Sign ── Virgo

✮ Natural Hair Color ── brown

✮ Hair Colour (now) ── black

✮ Hair Length ── to xiers chin

✮ Eye Colour ── Black

✮ Skin Colour ── black and white

✮ Smell ── Black ink and tar

✮ Proxy-mark ── wrist(covers them up)

☆ has met Zalgo before two years after being turned into what it is now and 3 years before being turned into a proxy

☆ gets along best with the organ harvester, Ticci toby, Pick pocket and Terror tony.

☆ tried to kill jeff once during a manic episode

☆ Once kissed the organ harvester

☆ Sexualizes himself during depressive episodes

☆ insomnia (Heightened in Manic episodes)

__`☆ About them:`__

❧ Status 》Dead/entity

❧ Species 》Proxy(?)

❧ Relationship 》Single

❧ Skills 》 murder, whipping, dancing, a bit of art

❧ Likes 》watching EJ bleed sometimes, dancing to music, bugs,listening to people he is fond of ramble, Peperoni, Human flesh

❧ Dislikes 》Bullies, crowss, smell of smoke or coffee, some textures (polyester, cheese), getting forced to talk (it hurts them, due to their vocal chords being permanently damaged from being tortured.), BEN, Jeff and Natalie, Laughing Jack(finds him creepy)

❧ Touch 》 hates it, but let's some people touch his appendages

❧ Fears 》losing a person they are fond of, seeing his father again

❧ Triggers 》Talking about xiers past, calling xem names, saying the sentence, "Dont fight back, let it happen, it will all be okay soon."

❧ Weakness 》Will cry if remembering his past, cries acid, anxiety, cuts his appendages sometimes when triggered, can barely talk

❧ Working for 》Slenderman but disobeys sometimes

❧ Work 》Proxy

❧ Addictions》cutting

❧ Earning Trust 》possible but takes at least 5 weeks

❧ Items 》Candy canes, whips, book and a pen

❧ Aid 》None.

❧ Parental Figures 》None.❧

Theme songs 》 So cold by Breaking Benjamin, Emergency contact by pierce the veil, Going under by evanescene, Zombie by the cranberries and if you can't hang by sleeping with sirens❧

Disorders 》 Existential OCD, social anxiety, emotional disorder in childhood, generalized anxiety disorder, Schizophrenia, C-PTSD, body dysmorphia, major depressive disorder

__`☆ Favourites:`__❧

Favourite Interest 》 bugs, how human nerves work, dancing to music Life in general)

❧ Favourite Songs 》I will not bow by breaking Benjamin, bad things by get scared,dead memories by slipknot

❧ Favourite Artists 》 Breaking Benjamin, sleeping with sirens, decaying nature, Black Sabbath,Slipknot

❧ Favourite Animal 》xe eats animals when he can't get humans, but insects, especially Beetles

❧ Favourite Colours 》 Maroon red

﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊__`•☆༄࿐ Personality`__It is observant, and tries to be polite as much as they can, when they are triggered however they often lash out in a way of hurting their fond ones and will cry about it later on and apologize in a way of giving them gifts (which can be handmade or an eye that they ripped out of their appendages). Generally shy, and often stays with a person they are fond of to socialise. When they are having hallucinations they will hide themselves under its appendages and not come out until someone else comes in and "protects" them from what they are seeing. They are a sensitive person and hide in the shadows. However, don't underestimate them. He is capable of killing people in brutal ways, like ripping out their spine and then eating their lungs.

﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊﹊__`•☆༄࿐ Backstory`__

Its 5 a.m., and my father just went out of my room after screaming at me and telling me I will not get food tommorrow. Tears threaten to spill from my eyes and blood dripped down my nose, 'Hold it in. You know Father doesn't like it when you cry.' I think to myself and get up and make my way towards the door.'It is my fault, I shouldn't have screamed about the man standing in the doorway. At least he is gone now.' I silently whisper as tears keep falling down, and i wipe them away. As I make my way over to the bathroom, I see that terrible creepy man again..His eyes, wait no he doesnt have eyes, nor a face in general, it reminds me of the dog like creature, but that one has somewhat facial features. I dont like them. I can feel a headache forming. He is waving. I shut my eyes and ran to the bathroom, hoping for it to be over and quickly clean up my blood, and and sigh out again. It hurts. I decide to just go back to sleep. Crying is for the weak, that is what the father said.Of course, I am awoken by the sound of yelling. My father hit my mother again, which is normal for my family.. I wonder why she doesn't fight back, even if it is the opposite of what she always tells me to do I still wonder why, she is strong, I've noticed after she slapped me for asking if I am actually real. _"Dont fight back, and let it happen, it will all be okay soon."_ common sentence I have heard a lot of times now. I wish father would be nice again, then I wouldn't have to hear it. I can't say it, though, otherwise father will hate me just like I hate myself. I put on a smile to not seem too terrible as Father sends me to school even tho I don't want to go.In school, it is terrible once again, the kids mock me for my stutter, I can't help it, and it is not my fault. They exclude me from games in the break, they don't talk to me, and they throw sand or pebbels at me on the playground. Oliver does it the most, I don't get why he doesn't like me. I never talk to him. He tells me it is because I am a devil's child. But I pray every night to God? If I am a devil's child, why don't I have horns? Why doesn't my body look weird? Am I actually real?

Is everything real? What if this is not real and I am dreaming? Questions run through my head, but I stay silent, I pinch myself and put on a smile. Okay, I'm not dreaming."It will all be okay soon." I repeat in my head until I am home.At night, I pray once again, I get tired of praying, but I don't dare tell. If I do, My Father and the priest will be angry at me."Dear God. Please protect my mother and me from my father. Amen." I silently whisper as I hold my 6 year old hands together and hold my eyes shut.My mother comes into my room, she tells me good night, and that we will go to a special place tomorrow. "Did God hear my prayer? How can he hear my prayer? Is he real?" I ponder after she has left my room, and I write and write into my diary until I fall asleep. I am awoken once again by my mother. This time, she isn't screaming. However, her eyes are puffy. Has she been crying? She tells me to pack my things to go to the special place, someone will help me there. They will 'fix' me. But what is there to be fixed?. Will they fix my brain? Will they fix my stutter? What will they fix and how? Could I have figured it out? I take my diary with me and my clothes and ofcourse I shouldn't forget Smiler, my plush dog.We ride in a train, and she hugs me a lot of the time. Father tells her to quit it. She does stop hugging me,yet she squeezes my hand and excuses herself as she begins crying again. Why is she crying? Is it my fault? I squeeze her hand back. I stay silent.Doctors await me at the special place, smiling. I ponder again. Why am I here?I tremble and tears slip down my cheeks as I open up my diary for the first time in a long time and begin to write."It is terrible. Everything hurts. They beat me a lot of the times, they use me, and they forget to give me food. I don't understand how I should be fixed, I want this all to stop. They made me dance for them today like they did all week. They made me touch them, I do not want to be here anymore. They take needles and inject them into me, i believe i have abornmally grown.." And I write and write until I see matches laying on the ground.The building has been burned down. However, there has been a diary found. It is covered in dirt and most pages are unreadable, but scientists have been able to decipher some pages. "I can hear them. They are right behind me.And I can see them. They are laughing at me, mocking me. I'm still locked inside, I want to get out.. they forced me onto a machine yesterday, It burned and burned. Today, they took me into a room away from the others and whipped my back until it bled. It all hurts so much. I dont understand why, i had to stay silent or otherwise they wouldve have put me on the pullmachine again, i dont know if my body can take anymore..They injected something in me today again, it hurts. However, it will all be okay soon. I will be fixed. That is what they said. I need to pray again."

[cheatcodelife]

How to get better: instructions for those who want to gain weight and improve their health

How to understand that you don't weigh much

It is considered that a person is underweight if his body mass index is below 18.5 kg/m2.

To calculate BMI, use the following formula:

BMI = weight (kg) / height 2 (m) For example, if you weigh 60 kg at a height of 1.8 m, your BMI is 60 / (1,8 × 1,8) = 18,5. It turns out that you do not have a lack of weight, although you have come close to the limit of the norm.

But if your height is 1.7 m and your weight is 45 kg, then your BMI is 15.57 kg/m2, which indicates a clear body weight deficit.

Why weight loss is dangerous Society is now more concerned about the treatment of obesity, because this problem is much more common than excessive thinness.

However, a significant lack of weight and anorexia can be more dangerous than extra pounds.

Excessive thinness can cause several negative consequences at once.

Increases the risk of premature death People with a body mass index below 21 kg/m2 are more at risk of dying from cancer, cardiovascular, respiratory, mental and neurological diseases than those who weigh more.

After the age of 40, the life expectancy of underweight men is on average 4.3 years shorter, and of women 4.5 years shorter than that of people with a BMI within the normal range.

Increases vulnerability to infections Underweight children and adults are more likely to suffer from infectious diseases than people of normal weight.

Although much here also depends on the quality of nutrition, compliance with hygiene standards and the presence of concomitant diseases.

It has a negative effect on bone health in the elderly With age, bone density decreases, and underweight people are more at risk of suffering from fractures and osteoporosis.

Increases the risk of dental problems Korean scientists in a cohort study checked the data of 17 thousand people and found out that people with insufficient body weight are more at risk of losing their teeth.

Scientists have suggested that this is due to poor nutrition and a lack of essential amino acids and vitamins.

It can cause difficulties with conceiving a child in women Low fat percentage and hormonal disorders associated with it can cause problems with the menstrual cycle and fertility.

Increases the risk of developing dementia in old age The risk of senile dementia in people who are underweight is higher than in those who are normal or overweight.

Where does the lack of weight come from There are several reasons why you may suffer from a weight deficit.

Lack of calories in the diet The most obvious reason for weight loss is a lack of energy coming from food. It is easy to detect it. It is enough to calculate how many calories you need to consume, taking into account weight, height, age and level of physical activity.

You can use our calculator, and then at least roughly estimate your usual daily diet.

Impaired absorption of nutrients If you eat normally, but still do not gain weight, it is possible that the body simply cannot absorb nutrients.

This happens when:

-gluten intolerance, or celiac disease; -lactose intolerance; -short bowel syndrome after surgery to remove part of the small

-intestine; -Whipple's disease (a rare bacterial infection); -parasites, diarrhea and infectious diseases that last a long time; -chronic inflammation of the pancreas; -excessive use of laxatives. To find out if your body can absorb the necessary nutrients, contact your therapist or gastroenterologist.

The presence of diseases If you start losing weight without intentional changes in diet and physical activity, this may be a sign of the following diseases:

-depression; -psychological stress and anxiety; -eating disorders such as anorexia; -oncology; -an infection such as HIV; -a chronic disease, such as COPD or Parkinson's disease; -diabetes; -hyperthyroidism. Also, appetite may disappear due to taking medications. For example, drugs for chemotherapy and for the treatment of thyroid diseases.

Be sure to consult a therapist, even if you have no symptoms other than weight loss.

How to gain weight quickly and safely Find out the reason for low body weight First, determine what exactly caused the loss of kilograms. If it is anorexia, digestive disorders, or, for example, the same hyperthyroidism, simple methods will not work: body weight will not return to normal until you get rid of the underlying disease.

In order not to make a mistake, visit a therapist: he will conduct an examination, offer to take tests and help solve the problem or refer you to a specialized specialist.

If you are healthy and would just like to gain weight, proceed to the following points.

Increase the caloric content of your diet through healthy food To get better, it is worth increasing your daily energy consumption by 300-500 kcal.

Of course, it is much easier to do this at the expense of delicious and high-calorie fast food. For example, eat a bucket of ice cream or a pack of chips. But in the long run, such a diet will not add to your health.

Snacking on fast food can cause bloating and exhaustion, and regular consumption of highly processed and sugary foods can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

Additional calories can be consumed from foods with lots of vitamins and minerals.:

-milk; -starchy vegetables; -avocado; -cream soups; -red meat; -juice; -cheese; -nuts and nut butter; -fatty fish; -protein shakes. In order not to have to greatly increase the portions, try to arrange 5-6 small meals during the day. For weight gain, this is better than 2-3 approaches to overflowing plates.

Add extra calories to your meals There are several ways to increase the nutritional value of dishes and at the same time make them even tastier:

-Use cheese, sour cream and sauces more often. Season vegetable dishes, add to omelets and side dishes. -Complement the desserts with nuts, granola, honey, pieces of fresh and dry fruits. -Cook cream soups instead of regular soups with clear broth. -Lean on potatoes — they contain a lot of carbohydrates, and there is also fiber, vitamins and minerals. -From drinks, give preference to whole milk, fruit and vegetable juices without added sugar. You can also try jelly, fruit drinks, smoothies and protein shakes. -Try healthy and nutritious snacks -Have snacks between meals. Here are some ideas for a quick meal:

-A mixture of nuts and dried fruits. -Protein bars. -Protein shake — ready-made or homemade. The latter can be made from milk, yogurt, cottage cheese, bananas and other ingredients. The recipes can be viewed here. -Sandwiches. For example, you can make toast with avocado and egg or make a quick snack of bread with peanut butter. -Apple slices with nut butter. Take measures to increase your appetite -Eating by force is a bad idea. Fortunately, you can increase your appetite in quite healthy and safe ways:

1.Do not drink before eating. Fullness of the stomach dulls appetite. Try not to drink water at least half an hour before meals. 2.Choose strength training. Working with resistance helps build muscle mass and suppresses appetite for a shorter period than cardio exercises. Choose traditional work with rest between sets — this mode has the least effect on appetite compared to circular and interval work. 3.Give up bad habits. Smoking accelerates metabolism and leads to weight loss, while alcohol negatively affects appetite and disrupts the absorption of nutrients. 4.Ask your doctor about medications and supplements. Appetite will help to increase the intake of fish oil, and in case of zinc and thiamine deficiency, supplements to replenish these substances. However, before buying dietary supplements, it is worth consulting with a specialist. 5.Use large plates. People eat less from small bowls and get saturated faster than when using large dishes. Perhaps by serving food on a large plate, you will be able to trick the brain and increase the amount you eat.