#i am so sorry this is long

[inklessletter]

Confession time: I actually gave you a brush of this in previous confession times, but making the masterlist post I have just realized how brutally confident I just grew this June.

It's silly, but I'm getting emotional because of it. About eighteen months ago I started taking classes of digital art, although I've been drawing all my life, at some point I just stopped and it was suddenly ten years since I last picked up a pen and paper. I never, ever, have done digital art before last year.

It was good for me, I grew confident and I started showing what I did. I have very old folders full with traditional drawings since I was a little munchkin, but I have never shown those before in public. I wanted to take that back, the skill, the willing, the inspiration.

Last year I made some friends because of this artistic spree, but it ended up real bad. Like, real, real bad. Abandoning my nickname and fleeing social media for months bad. Going back to not showing my stuff in public. Losing everything I have been building up slowly, and that's how I got here.

I needed to leave my own mind behind and find something that gave me comfort and closure, so I came back to Stranger Things, something I liked in the loneliness of my bedroom, something that it felt like mine because no one around me loved it so much. I started reading fanfics, I've got a folder in my e-book with more than 200 of them (97% steddie). Then I started to feel that maybe I needed to take out some venom of my system, and I started writing some, even if it wasn't in my native language and I was terrified of making mistakes, because I just got the lesson that people hiding behind screens and shielded by anonymity could be ruthless, and cruel, and won't bat an eye if someone blatantly breaks you publicly.

But that didn't happen, and even if I had no range, I felt better writing, so I kept doing it. It felt like finally healing.

I eventually picked up the digital pencil again, believe me, with a lot of fear, after months of my last drawing. I'm talking from August to March. I just didn't want another ten years without drawing to pass. It felt like a baby step. A terrifying, unsure and shaking baby step.

I just didn't realize until today, making the masterlist, that I have done sixteen full illustrations in June. Sixteen. That's one (and a little bit) every two days. That's half a month drawing nonstop in my free time.

I don't know when I fell in love with it again.

I don't know many things.

But I know one: I'm grateful to be here, growing a little bit fearless everyday of just being me.

So, if you actually bothered to read all the way down here, let me thank you for being nice to a stranger. Keep doing it, you never know how much someone you don't know can be affected by a single nice act.

[erigold13261]

What was/is Team Sayu and Neon J’s childhood like? (Is it bad) (most likely bad) (is it any different in canon and FRAU)

The Sayu Crew's childhoods are relatively the same with just some minor changes to choices, Remi has some major changes because of Eve. Neon's childhood is vastly different from OG to FRAU.

But uh, for the most part they are not good. Please read the trigger warning. Also it's really long.

[Trigger warning for abuse(financial, physical, emotional), transphobia, homophobia, fatphobia, hate crimes/murder, eating disorders, forced unnecessary medical surgery (mention of lobotomies), ableism, suicide/suicidal thoughts, alcohol/drug use, underage drinking, drunk driving/car crash]

OG Tila and Sofa have relatively the same childhoods as their FRAU counterparts.

Tila's family put her into singing classes at a young age and pushed her to keep her voice up in the hopes she will make it big as a singer. She obviously does because of Sayu, but shortly before that her family finds out she is a lesbian. OG Tila was able to run away from her family and get emancipated from them when the Crew signed up with NSR thanks to Eve's help. FRAU Tila though never had a connection to Eve through Remi, so she (and the others) were never emancipated. So now her family basically take her money as compensation for a "disgrace" of a daughter (there are no real laws to this because she is a minor in their care, so they technically have a right to take her money). Tila is too afraid of her parents to really fight back or say anything and is terrified of them trying to force a guy into her life if she starts trying to date other girls so she just focuses on work.

Sofa's family was always pushing them to lose weight and try to look better or be "healthier" even though their weight was never a problem and didn't impact their health. The constant belittling and comparing of their body caused them to isolate and start delving into computers where they learned they liked programing and editing videos. Which just made their family even more judgmental of them. They sorta accepted Sofa for coming out as nonbinary, but they kept making remarks like "no one will ever take your gender seriously when you look like that" (basically saying only skinny people are nonbinary, which is not true at all). Sofa honestly thought a lot about ending their life, especially when being forced to exercise to the point of throwing up sometimes.

Once the Crew was formed and they joined NSR, OG Sofa was able to get away from their family and learn how to love their body the way it is. They even started exercising more out of enjoyment with Dodo than being forced to. Unfortunately for FRAU Sofa, they were still stuck with their family. Who hired personal trainers for Sofa with their own NSR money along with restricted their allowance and food intake (basically starving Sofa) to try and make them skinnier. Sofa ended up developing an eating disorder and started forcing themselves to puke to try and satisfy their family just so they would leave them alone. Sofa's family even started suggesting cosmetic surgery to try and "fix" Sofa's body for them, but thankfully Sofa has enough power to flat out deny those suggestions.

Dodo was never a talkative child even though he could respond physically to people perfectly fine. He was developing perfectly fine except for being non-verbal. His parents put him into speech therapy classes and tried to force him to talk, which he did end up doing even though he would get severe panic attacks out in public and have meltdowns that only further annoyed his parents. OG Dodo's parents ended up following the advice of someone who told them to enroll Dodo into sign language classes. They did but refused to learn sign languag, making Dodo still talk or at the very least write down what he was trying to say. It got to the point that Dodo just stopped trying to communicate with his parents (or anyone really) at all. It also didn't help that Dodo was into wearing dresses and skirt along with dancing. His parents tried to force him to stop but thankfully by the time they saw this part of Dodo he was joining the Sayu Crew and was able to leave his family.

FRAU Dodo was the same up until his parents' taking someone's advice. Instead of putting him in sign language classes he was forced to get a surgery for a new voice because his parents thought his voice was wrong. It didn't help Dodo to voluntarily keep talking, but it did give his parents the ability to guilt him into talking since they "spent so much money trying to fix him" that he just forced himself to talk. Especially once he overheard them thinking about doing another surgery on his brain to see if that would "fix" him. It was technically easier for him to physically talk but the mental aspect of it just really hurt Dodo. By the time he joined the Crew he was too afraid to ever truly express himself because his parents were willing to basically lobotomize Dodo in the hopes of getting rid of anything they deemed abnormal.

Remi's story is the most different out of the Crew compared from OG to FRAU. Both Remis' fathers had Eve with one woman and then Remi with another. OG Remi lived with his parents with Eve coming to visit her father almost every weekend and some holidays (she was 12 when he was born). The two were able to grow a pretty good relationship, especially when Remi started showing signs of liking art like Eve. Once Eve went off to college she saw less of Remi but was still a supporter for him. Once Remi joined NSR he also came out as trans to friends and family, which his mother heavily disapproved of and tried to kick Remi out while his dad was trying to tell Remi that he wasn't a guy. Thankfully Eve was able to help him out, made sure he got away from that environment, and even helped the rest of the Crew get away from their toxic families. She set them up in a big apartment and helped each of them get situated into their new lives.

FRAU Remi on the other hand did not have Eve to help him. Eve only ever came around on very select holidays. She only saw Remi like once or twice a year, and when she visited she was basically being forced to go which only soured her mood and made it difficult for the two of them to form any kind of meaningful bond. Once she left for college Remi never saw her again until he joined NSR, other than, you know, seeing her on the TV which pushed him to try and follow her footsteps. So he worked very hard to try and hone his artistic skills to try and be a graphic designer for NSR. His parents told him to not hold his breath because he won't make it far considering Eve is so much better than him and he shouldn't be looking for handouts from his half-sister (which he wasn't, he just wanted to follow her footsteps).

Once he became friends with the Crew and they made Sayu, they were able to join NSR but not get away from their families. Remi tried coming out as trans, but quickly realized that was a mistake as his parents disapproved and even tried to hit him. They almost forced him to quit NSR because it was "obvious that the fame was messing with Remi's head" but Remi was able to persuade his parents (with money) to let him keep working and stay with his friends. He even promised to never talk about being trans again and admitted he was a girl and would never try to be a guy. That was the only way he was able to still stay onboard as Sayu's lead designer. Thankfully the Crew respects Remi but they've had a few close calls of almost using masculine pronouns for him while in the presence of his family.

For Neon J, his childhood and life basically hinges off of one decision he decided to make which drastically changes the outcome of his and many other people's lives. Firstly though, let me talk about his life in both OG and FRAU before the change.

Neon used to have an older brother (by a few years, maybe 3) who he looked up to. They were very close and did everything together. As they grew up, his brother started showing interest in boys. The parents disapproved and would yell and scream at Neon's brother. They would belittle and embarrass him for years, making his life a living hell and trying (but failing) to get Neon to join in on hurting his brother. They were trying to "force the gay out" of Neon's brother. It all boiled over to the point that Neon found his brother dead in the closet after coming home from dance practice one day. His brother had killed himself from years of abuse and self hatred. Everyone was devastated. Even the parents because in their eyes, they were just doing what they could to "fix" their son.

As both OG and FRAU Neon started to become teenagers, they started to realize they liked girls. Both were obviously terrified to even try and talk to their parents, but this is where the change takes place.

OG Neon hid this side from his parents. Pushing them away and never opening up to them (they had suspicions but never really found out). He let his anger for himself and his parents fill him. Taking it out on other students who messed with him or his small group of friends. He started going out with his friends more, partying and drinking to try and mask the pain he was feeling. Experimenting with different substances and people. Even racking up a reputation for being a whore in his school. While all of this was happening, he was also making music with his friends, to the point they were able to go to a Lights Up audition as 15-16 year olds. They lost, and were humiliated by the judges only triggering Neon's anger more.

He ended up in a fight with his parents about his behavior where he stormed out of the house and picked his friends up in a car (his or his parents', doesn't matter). The group went out drinking and partying, trying to forget their worries and pain. Only for Neon to swerve while driving and hit a tree. Two of his friends died that night, and another was put into a coma. He was the only one to not be severely hurt (his chest was all torn up from his seat belt, but he was alive). After recovering, his parents were able to settle things behind the scenes with the other families (who were not as angry as they should have been since they could not give two shits about their kids, one family was even happy to be rid of their burden). Neon ended up just leaving his family at 16, dropping out of high school, and going to work as an apprentice toy maker until he decided to join the navy. He would never talk to his parents again, but he would tell his wife Martha about them and she would go to them out of desperation years after their divorce to escape an abusive relationship.

For FRAU Neon J, instead of hiding himself away from his parents, he decided to just tell them he liked women, but he also liked men! He came out because he didn't think he could ever fully hide this part of himself and was afraid to make things worse if he got caught later on. And his parents... they accepted him. As best as they could, they accepted Neon because they did not want to lose another child and regretted what they did to his brother. They saw this as a second chance to do what was right and support their kid. Because of this, Neon never pushed himself heavily into rock/music as an outlet and so he and his friends never went to the Light Up audition. They never started drinking or doing drugs because there was a safe place for all of them now. If any of Neon's friends needed a place to stay for the night, they had him and his family.

On the night that OG Neon and his parents had a fight and went out partying, FRAU Neon was home with his parents. He had declined an invitation to go out with his friends so he could work on homework, or some music, or dance, just something that kept him in that night. And the next day he woke to the television talking about a hate crime that killed a lot of people at a local gay club. Neon's friends were out there that night and were some of the victims of the attack. None of them survived and Neon felt distraught at the fact he could have offered them to come over to his house that night and possibly save them from this horrible fate.

In the end, FRAU Neon went on with his life, leaving home when he graduated high school and went to work as a candy maker. He dabbled in toy making a bit, and fixed machines that he worked with. He also ended up getting top surgery at some point (OG Neon's car accident gave him a make-shift top surgery that the surgeons had to clean up. They were going to reconstruct his breast but Neon never got that far into the healing process). He joined the navy a year or two after OG Neon. He still keeps in touch with his parents at times (less so after building 1010 and joining NSR), so does Martha as she had met them during their marriage and they still see her as a daughter-in-law even after the divorce.

[So yeah. That is "basically" the differences. Neon's life has such a high importance on the story of NSR. Just him not going to the Lights Up Audition with his friends is what leads to Tatiana being the way she is. And probably why the Sayu Crew's family is the way they are, as FRAU Neon joining the navy later actually leads to an extra year or two of wartime.]

[endusviolence]

Rowling isn't denying holocaust. She just pointed out that burning of transgender health books is a lie as that form of cosmetic surgery didn't exist. But of course you knew that already, didn't you?

I was thinking I'd probably see one of you! You're wrong :) Let's review the history a bit, shall we?

In this case, what we're talking about is the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft, or in English, The Institute of Sexology. This Institute was founded and headed by a gay Jewish sexologist named Magnus Hirschfeld. It was founded in July of 1919 as the first sexology research clinic in the world, and was run as a private, non-profit clinic. Hirschfeld and the researchers who worked there would give out consultations, medical advice, and even treatments for free to their poorer clientele, as well as give thousands of lectures and build a unique library full of books on gender, sexuality, and eroticism. Of course, being a gay man, Hirschfeld focused a lot on the gay community and proving that homosexuality was natural and could not be "cured".

Hirschfeld was unique in his time because he believed that nobody's gender was either one or the other. Rather, he contended that everyone is a mixture of both male and female, with every individual having their own unique mix of traits.

This leads into the Institute's work with transgender patients. Hirschfeld was actually the one to coin the term "transsexual" in 1923, though this word didn't become popular phrasing until 30 years later when Harry Benjamin began expanding his research (I'll just be shortening it to trans for this brief overview.) For the Institute, their revolutionary work with gay men eventually began to attract other members of the LGBTA+, including of course trans people.

Contrary to what Anon says, sex reassignment surgery was first tested in 1912. It'd already being used on humans throughout Europe during the 1920's by the time a doctor at the Institute named Ludwig Levy-Lenz began performing it on patients in 1931. Hirschfeld was at first opposed, but he came around quickly because it lowered the rate of suicide among their trans patients. Not only was reassignment performed at the Institute, but both facial feminization and facial masculization surgery were also done.

The Institute employed some of these patients, gave them therapy to help with other issues, even gave some of the mentioned surgeries for free to this who could not afford it! They spoke out on their behalf to the public, even getting Berlin police to help them create "transvestite passes" to allow people to dress however they wanted without the threat of being arrested. They worked together to fight the law, including trying to strike down Paragraph 175, which made it illegal to be homosexual. The picture below is from their holiday party, Magnus Hirschfeld being the gentleman on the right with the fabulous mustache. Many of the other people in this photo are transgender.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of a group of people. Some are smiling at the camera, others have serious expressions. Either way, they all seem to be happy. On the right side, an older gentleman in glasses- Magnus Hirschfeld- is sitting. He has short hair and a bushy mustache. He is resting one hand on the shoulder of the person in front of him. His other hand is being held by a person to his left. Another person to his right is holding his shoulder.]

There was always push back against the Institute, especially from conservatives who saw all of this as a bad thing. But conservatism can't stop progress without destroying it. They weren't willing to go that far for a good while. It all ended in March of 1933, when a new Chancellor was elected. The Nazis did not like homosexuals for several reasons. Chief among them, we break the boundaries of "normal" society. Shortly after the election, on May 6th, the book burnings began. The Jewish, gay, and obviously liberal Magnus Hirschfeld and his library of boundary-breaking literature was one of the very first targets. Thankfully, Hirschfeld was spared by virtue of being in Paris at the time (he would die in 1935, before the Nazis were able to invade France). His library wasn't so lucky.

This famous picture of the book burnings was taken after the Institute of Sexology had been raided. That's their books. Literature on so much about sexuality, eroticism, and gender, yes including their new work on trans people. This is the trans community's Alexandria. We're incredibly lucky that enough of it survived for Harry Benjamin and everyone who came after him was able to build on the Institute's work.

[Image ID: A black and white photo of the May Nazi book burning of the Institute of Sexology's library. A soldier, back facing the camera, is throwing a stack of books into the fire. In the background of the right side, a crowd is watching.]

As the Holocaust went on, the homosexuals of Germany became a targeted group. This did include transgender people, no matter what you say. To deny this reality is Holocaust denial. JK Rowling and everyone else who tries to pretend like this isn't reality is participating in that evil. You're agreeing with the Nazis.

But of course, you knew that already, didn't you?

Edit: Added image IDs. I apologize to those using screen readers for forgetting them. Please reblog this version instead.

[marimbles]

Halloween comic two weeks late bc i will never let tamadrien die

[roachsauce]

Part of a recent doodle I think is cute

[n0ahsferatu]

haven’t watched the star treks in five million years but this is what happened in In The Pale Moonlight right

(credit to @/sweepswoop_ on twitter who drew the original Labru meme!)

[egophiliac]

bring your son to work day

[scattered-winter]

finally made rwby meme slides. after like a literal fucking decade

[keirahknightley]

Costume appreciation series: Barbie (2023) dir Greta Gerwig

Costume Design by Jacqueline Durran

[clouvu]

Cooking up an older Clervie outfit design so I don't have to keep drawing her looking like her child self but Long

[buggachat]

im gonna be honest i think the "adrien being a sentimonster was randomly thrown in season 4 with no planning on the writers' part" theory is really funny. like the writers of this show are just so bad at their job and so stupid that they tripped and fell in season 1 episode mr pigeon and accidentally spilled "a strange relationship to feathers" all over adrien by accident. they stubbed their toe on the coffee table and accidentally set up a mystery surrounding emilie's relationship to a feathery miraculous in season 1 volpina before we even knew what its powers were. then they spilled coffee all over their favorite shirts and at the same time spilled more white feathers around adrien in season 2 episode gorizilla. while writing the same episode someone had a really nasty sneeze and got boogers all over the script that said "use the imagery of two twin rings intertwined as the opener for the film of adrien's dead mother". they forgot to look both ways before crossing the street while writing the season 2 finale and were struck by a truck labeled "the peacock miraculous gives life" and then by a second truck with the license plate "it does so using white feathers identical to the white feathers that surround adrien in his ads" at the same time. they plummeted down an open manhole and hit the ground with a loud whack that sounded like "sentimonsters like bugette are just as real as any human..... and isn't bugette so...... perfect?" in season 3. on their way to the hospital they slipped on ice that had frozen in such a way to perfectly resemble the sentence "the word 'perfect' is consistently used throughout the series and by the creator ominously to denote how characters like adrien and kagami are 'different from everyone else', ever since season 1 episode simon says". during season 3 someone on the team got food poisoning and when they threw up felix came out instead and started another whacky series of comedic errors. the answer to the mystery of "how and why did emilie die? what life did adrien's loving mother create that she was willing to die for?" was originally gonna be "idk maybe she just exploded or somehting" probably, but then there was a really painful rock in one of the writers' shoes while walking to work that put them in a mood so bad that they forgot their original plan and instead made some bullshit up that somehow ended up being something that made sense with what we knew and put all the puzzle pieces together and actually made the show even more interesting and impactful on a rewatch because it put a lot of shots that at the time seemed random into a new and logical perspective as clear foreshadowing. it's actually impressive how stupid these silly clown writers are that they put strangely specific things so consistently throughout the entire series that resembled foreshadowing while never actually having intended it a single time! like........... really.......... really impressive............... i think..............

[lxnarphase]

Screaming, crying, violently shaking the bars on my enclosure for thigh grinding. Please.

i had to let this marinate for a little, this is actually so good i love the idea of just plopping yourself on their lap, straddling their thigh when you want their attention when they're doing something. and you gave me free reign on who to write so i am in heaven with these thoughts. i thought about adding 'who would pretend to not notice' and 'who would make you do it until you squirt' but i think i already got carried away with this little thirst ❤︎

WHO ENCOURAGES IT: g. suguru, n. kento, h. kinji, f. toji

the second you sit on him, his attention snaps to you, inquisitively raising an eyebrow. but once you tell him to focus on what he was doing, he bites his lip as he feels you grinding yourself on his thigh.

suguru's abandoned his show, leaning back on the couch and putting his hands on your waist, guiding you back and forth against his leg. "oh, pretty babyyyy, go on, grind on me. does it feel good?" he's a little upset you aren't facing him, but whenever you turn your head over your shoulder, he coos at you so sweetly. he even brings his hand down to your front, playing with your puffy clit through your soaked underwear. "look at you, your gonna get my leg all wet...tsk, you're gonna lick it up for me after, right?" kento turns a pretty shade of pink, chucking as he shakes his head. he texted you only 2 minutes ago, responding to you pouting and asking when he'd be done with work, he didn't think you'd show up this soon. "have i been neglecting you, honey? mm, i'm sorry, love. you can keep going," he encourages, his hand on your lower back as he looks up at you from his leather desk chair. oh, he could never get tired of his view. if he could, he'd have you sit on his thigh every time he worked in his office, but...he knew that wouldn't work out, he'd never be able to get work done with you sitting all pretty on him like this. "i'll take a break from work, okay? mhm, just for you. now keep going, honey, i want you to feel good." kinji stops everything immediately. "well, hi to you too, cupcake," he whistles, his hands instantly starting to rub up and down your sides. "needy cunt wanted some attention? aww, she needs her kinjiiii, ain't that right, doll?" his hand trails down and smacks your ass before grabbing a handful. his eyes are lidded but filled with excitement. oh, he looooved when you took control of your pleasure and used him to feel good. knowing that you needed him so badly that just grinding on his thigh could make you cum made his ego shoot through the roof. "c'mon, wanna have you soak my thigh before i touch you, baby, lemme see how messy you can get." toji is pleasantly surprised when you come to him with that pretty little pout, cooing his name in just his black sweater. his thin pajama pants can't be that good to grind on, the fabric isn't nearly rough enough, but he can feel how hot and wet you're getting, how sticky your panties are getting. seeing how you're getting frustrated, toji just lifts you up and plops you on his dick. "hey, pretty mama, you strugglin'? mhm, yeah, i knowww. my pants aren't enough for that pussy t' cum, are they?" he helps you move your hips back and forth, lazily smirking up at you. "yeah, that feel better? grindin' on my cock instead? y'so pretty, mama, so so pretty."

WHO CUMS IN THEIR PANTS: g. satoru, k. choso

it's hard not to get turned on from seeing you hovering over him, eyes lidded and filled with need, using their thigh to get yourself off. you just look so fucking gorgeous they can't help but move you off their thigh to their lap.

satoru lets you grind on his thigh for a little bit, kissing all over your neck as he fucking giggles into your skin. when he gets that pretty whine of his name after mouthing your pressure point, he pulls you onto his lap, grinding up into you. "baby, baby, baby, you're so cute, s'fuckin' cute! f-fuck, shit, 'm gonna cum, h-haah, you'd gonna make me cum in my fuckin' jeans, c'mon." he lets out the filthiest moan, laughing deliriously as he cums in his jeans. he barely gives himself a second to breathe before he moves you onto your back on the couch, sliding your panties to the side and pulling out his cock that's still hard and covered in his cum. "tsk-tsk-tsk, little dumplinggg, you made me waste it, 's a baddd girl...now i gotta fuck you 'til it leaks out, m'kay? my cock feels so much better than my thigh, angel, let 'toru into this lil' cunt." choso looks up at you with wide eyes, and you barely get to grind on his thigh before he whines, slowly pulling you towards his lap where his hard dick is pressing against his shorts. "b-babe," he whimpers, finally feeling you grinding against him directly. "y-you, i-i, mmn, i can feel your pussy, y-you're grindin' right on the tip, keep going, p-please?" he's activitly fucking up into you, uncaring that his gym shorts are getting soaked with his precum, eyes rolling back in his head as he keens your name. "pleasepleaseplease, 'm gonna cum, lemme cum, i wanna cum against you like this, please!"

all rights reserved © lxnarphase | do not repost, copy, translate, or alter my work

[certifiablyinsanez]

I am haunted by the detailed, completed map of Hell that Edwin took notes on. You don’t understand, it makes me sick. It’s one thing to have a basic layout, a vague idea, or a rudimentary map but it was meticulously detailed. Down to doors and what they do and where they go. Down to secret spaces in the walls. He even knew what ringing an innocuous bell would do. It can only mean one thing. We don’t know when Edwin began trying to escape, but assuming he started from the get go, it means that he spent all his decades in Hell trying to find a way out. He never stopped running. And that is assuming he never stopped. From his second trip, we could see he resorted to his old ways and ran. But he was eventually caught, reduced to pieces. Even when Charles showed up, he didn’t seem very optimistic about their chances. He could feel every second of those 70 years. There were likely many times he fell to hopelessness, trembling in the corner watching himself be desecrated knowing it was going to happen again and again. How long? How many times did he try to be so, so quiet, hoping he would have a few moments before the next round? How many times did he muster the ability to run, just one more time? How long did it take him to run, discovering the ends of each ring? How many times did he sprint up, down, north, south, east, west, trying to escape? And what happened when he finally escaped? How long did it take for him to be able to relax, even a little? Because he can never relax. He must always outrun Death and her constituents because he can’t count on them to be fair. How many times does he look over his shoulder, waiting for the monster to claim its eternal meal once again? His breath of fresh air, his first taste of companionship in ages not only keeps him company, but sticks by him. And then, in that blessing there comes a curse, because now you have something to lose. Because when you taste ambrosia how can you return to starvation? He feels safe with Charles. Happy and comfortable, but the threat always lingers. And he knows that Charles couldn’t fend off Death. He never considered he could fend off Hell beasts; after all, he’s just a ghost kid. He watches innocents be slaughtered on repeat, unphased by the level of violence but no less affected by it, because no one has even a clue what it takes to be this kind. Even at his most happy, he has so, so much to lose and he goes back to Hell when hope was dangled in his face like the fruit of Tantalus. When he returns, he’s subjected to Hell once again, sustaining through torture that obliterates souls, only to watch his best friend, his confidant, his platonic soulmate, die horrifically. This woman who gave him sea-glass courage, so powerful and yet so fragile. Allowed him to be himself, gave him permission to do so. Was the openness to his closed self, and now she is gone. And he retains his composure, his stiff, British posture because it is what has saved him from madness and Despair, protected him, and now the world is darker without Niko Sasaki in it. But surely he saw this coming. After all, humans are messy. And yet, he shows up for their souls, time and time again.

Edwin Payne is THE character.

[aphel1on]

the longer i look at this panel the more deranged i feel about it. this is environmental storytelling at its finest.

the eodio stand-in doll in particular makes me crazy. where did it come from? did thistle just pop into the village like "hey ungrateful wretches, one of you needs to make me a life-sized mannequin, For Reasons". did he make it himself? seems quite unlikely, yet the possibility haunts me. i mean, i guess there could've been one just lying around the dungeon somewhere. it's the act of replacement itself that really gets to me. (edit: it's been pointed out to me that the eodio doll also could have been left behind as part of delgal's escape plan. slightly different kind of madness but tbh, just as funny-sad to me if that happened and thistle went Ok, Guess That's Eodio Now.)

both the wives are there too. we know very little about them, which makes me tend to assume thistle wasn't all that close to them, but they're still included. when did they end up here? did he kick their souls out of their bodies at some point, or were they among those who left their bodies voluntarily to try and escape? when did yaad become an effective orphan, delgal an effective widower? women in the margins of the narrative, tell me your stories!

and the fact that they're surrounded with the living paintings, which thistle habitually wanders through to relive the past. this truly is his inner sanctum, his place of utmost comfort... and it may as well be a tomb.

that panel is so creepy when you first see it. just a sense of "ohh jeez, there's a lot to unpack there".

and actually, yeah, it remains creepy from pretty much any angle, but the more you think about it the more it's also tragic.

this is where many of thistle's happiest moments took place. everything he had in that picture is now gone. first he lost their warm regard, then one-by-one their bodies became hollow shells. before the end, none of the people here needed or enjoyed food anymore. the dinner table, as a center of both family life and nutrition, became obsolete.

a line from someone else's excellent post about thistle has stuck in my head ever since i read it: "to eat is to live, but to eat together is to be loved". to me, this is the sentiment and symbolism at the core of everything that happens in dungeon meshi.

it makes this bit all the sadder and more disturbing.

there's several things to note here:

thistle has gone from seated and eating with them as part of the family, to a lonely and ominous figure hovering over delgal's shoulder

eodio is conspicuously absent from view, and his body would have been a husk by now, but yaad says parents, which forces me to assume that they are sitting at the table with eodio's soulless body, hidden under yaad's speech bubble

they're not actually eating anything.

those plates are empty. you could assume that they've already finished eating, maybe, but yaad refers to it as sitting around the dinner table. in fact, he compares it to what he's currently doing; sitting at the dinner table watching the touden party eat, not eating anything himself.

it paints a pretty grim picture. for some time even after the fantasy had fallen apart, even after there was no need or desire to eat, they kept gathering around the dinner table. at that point, i'd guess only so as not to provoke thistle's wrath.

but even that last happened a long, long time ago.

this is a callback to what senshi said in the golden kingdom: the reason the people keep maintaining their fields and silverware and so forth is that they need to do so in order to stay sane.

paradoxically, the dinner table is the most striking evidence of thistle's insanity, and at the same time, it's the only anchor to sanity he has left.

he kept enforcing the ritual of dinner together long after it lost significance. when even that was impossible- because almost everyone's souls were gone- he kept their bodies at the table anyway. it's fine. it's fine! he's protected them, physically, just like he set out to. they're all still breathing. at a glance it looks like they could wake up and resume dinner at any moment. like this, it's easy to pretend.

isn't that what being a dungeon lord is, at the core of it? rejecting reality, staying in the prison of one's impossible desires. it's just one long game of pretend.

thistle did all this to protect his loved ones. no matter how obsessive and twisted he became in pursuit of that over the years, his core motivation never changed. this is all he has left of that dream: his loved ones' bodies gathered around the locus of their happiest memories together. like this, he can tell himself he's succeeded.

when eodio's body vanished with delgal's soul in it- when he couldn't even have that anymore... well.

i want to reach through the screen and shake him. no, they're not, thistle. THISTLE, NO, THEY'RE NOT! the doll of eodio is the closest thing to him in this panel, underlining the point. when that final illusion was shattered, he became completely unable to cope with reality.

therefore casually forgetting the creepy eodio doll isn't real.

thistle isn't stupid. eodio's body vanished at the same time as delgal's soul. shortly after, more adventurers came pouring in than ever before. deep down, he knows what happened. if he didn't, being confronted with the truth by mithrun wouldn't have made him panic so hard he summoned chimera falin to the first floor.

yet still...

he absolutely can't admit that to himself. he is clinging to the last scraps of the illusion with everything he has.

this is a dungeon lord at the end of desire. this is a lotus-eater machine left running long after its conclusion. this is mithrun lying listlessly in his bed, his replica lover having given up any pretense of being human. the illusion is all that's left. (an illusion is all it ever was.) thistle and the citizens of the golden kingdom- they're ghosts just as much as the ones who wander the dungeon floors. and if it weren't for thistle sealing the lion away, he would've been eaten by it long ago.

all of this encapsulated by that single panel of the dinner table.

[courfee]

17 December 1975 / 15 May 1976

[sturgeonposting]

Gingerbread sturgeon

HES BEAUTIFUL AND HE MIMICS THE LIFE CYCLE AND GROWTH OF THE GENUS HUSO!!!!!!!!!!!!!