#obviously some folks have other issues they need more help with

[hogmilked]

bought like actual skincare products for the first time in years and have some notes.

the whole anti-aging cosmetic industry is really hard to avoid. i was getting stuff at a marshall’s (discount store, carries a lot of overstock from brands) to save money and it took me almost an hour to find a handful of products that weren’t advertising “anti-aging” and “youthfulness” when i just wanted a cleanser, toner, and sunscreen to help with both peeling skin and greasiness

no seriously. i found ONE facial sunscreen that didn’t have retinol or hyaluronic acid or collagen or any of that stuff in it. it was tucked away in the men’s section with beard oil and cologne because apparently facial sunscreen with no added bullshit is only for men, and women (this is borderline a fast fashion store it’s highly gendered) can only protect themselves from skin cancer if it also makes sure they never develop a smile line

so many of those serums and creams and shit are bullshit anyway. hell a lot of people can just do a wash and sunscreen and be all set. at most a basic cleanser, basic moisturizer, and sunscreen are the absolute most you need. i threw in an exfoliating toner to help even out a couple gnarly acne scars and help with how flaky my skin gets sometimes. if your skin needs more than that, you really should probably just go to a dermatologist or look for actual dermatologist’s advice instead of dumping a bunch of random oils and serums and creams n shit you saw on tiktok or instagram on your skin and hoping the benefits listed on the box will be true for you

IN MOST CASES no amount of skincare products can make up for lifestyle change. i decided to put a little more work in because the lifestyle changes i need to make to help be less oily (i literally get so greasy it makes my eyes burn) and flaky aren’t currently feasible, so i’m trying to give my skin a bit of a boost, but literally the best my skin has ever felt was when i was just drinking a shit ton of water and eating super well

other people’s skincare will rarely work the same on anyone else. everyone’s skin needs are different. when i was in high school i had a gnarly abrasion/chemical burn under my eye because i had tried a routine i saw online that was way too rough and overbearing for me. again, you 100% don’t need a 30 step routine

that being said, i used a $4 korean cleanser, a $6 glycolic acid toner (exfoliant), 100% pure african shea butter, and some sunscreen formulated for use on the face. my skin feels great. my acne doesn’t itch as much. the toner was the most expensive part. the beauty industry is a scam

[avalordream]

Prompt: Imagine you get isekaied in Our Life. Only thing is that you wake up as a child and remember everything. You can only save at this point but you can still access the save and load menu and see your previous runs.

Meanwhile your precious neighbor is slowly becoming self aware, getting deja vu with every passing second- as if this has all happened before...

A/N: A few days after I posted this- a few other thoughts came to mind- SO HERE IS MY ATTEMPT AT VOCALIZING THEM

You’re keenly aware of how small and tiny you are the moment you wake up. 

For the first few days, you started to acclimate to…the family home. 

It wasn’t YOUR family though. It never was. It was MC’s. Not your’s.

You could project all you wanted onto MC but it was never your family or your life to experience. It was theirs.

Even so, you quickly found yourself missing the life you were used to. More specifically:

The cuisine.

It was hard not to draw suspicion to the fact that you were craving different food genres aside from Mom’s Pamela’s mac and cheese and cheeseburgers. 

Ma’s Noelani’s Hawaiian food helped quite a bit to hold you over as you started to ponder over how to approach it.

Kind of hard to bring it up to your MC’s parents that you wanted Asian/Middle eastern/Indian/Pakistani/Mexican/etc food when there was none of that for miles around

For the time being, you had to quietly hint and nudge their thoughts into that direction but not enough to make them suspicious. Noelani obviously had her suspicions about Cove getting into the house from Step 2-3 but never brought it up once. From what you could tell, she was scary observant

Another issue was how clumsy your new body was.

Your mind might be able to remember how to do everyday tasks like writing and such but this tiny body didn’t have the muscle memory to match it

Much to Liz’s dismay, you spent quite a bit of your time forcing your hands and legs to train to do things your adult body could do in a snap

Time wise- technology was a huge sucker punch. It made you feel bad for taking your own devices for granted. 

That being said, self learning everything was going to be hard without a phone or computer on hand, especially knowing that you’d have to go through the cursed education system all over again- but most likely much harder

There had to be a reason older folk complained about it, right?...

Your MC’s birthday was the same as your own, just that the birth year is 1997. That being said, the current year was 2006… Funny. You were only two in 2006…

…

Back to self learning, you tried to practice what you considered basic math long after everyone had fallen asleep

Usually, your day was filled with entertaining Shiloh and Liz, playing in the park or going along with whatever Liz said. Judging by the giant for sale sign across the street and the date, you figured out that you got isekaied roughly at least a month or two before Cove and Mr. Holden would move in. 

Who knew how that would go now that you weren’t subjected to just three choices?

Even after playing around, your body was exhausted and your baby mind was just as pooped out.

The first few days you would wake up early as children do and tried doing your math and remembering as much as you could at that time

Yeah, Liz nearly gave you a heart attack after she barged in and you had to play it off as you scribbling absolute nonsense cause you were bored

After that near collision, you changed your prep time to being at night. Sure, you woke up to Liz shaking you and not getting enough sleep in the morning, but you needed to refresh your memory the best you could

You couldn’t do it every night though and did your best to keep some sort of schedule so you wouldn’t forget - and worry your MC’s moms

They noticed the first few times of how sleepy you’d be when you’d wake up later than usual - granted if Liz didn’t wake you up - and a few nights after, you nearly got caught right in the middle of your review.

Pam was more sneaky than Noelani, so you should’ve seen this coming- but even so, you had everything spread out on your rug when you just barely heard her footsteps come to your MC’s door

You had enough time to shove everything underneath your bed - your room was messy enough but better safe than sorry - and quickly dive under the covers before you heard your door open with the softest of clicks

She was around for a good while before you heard the door close again but you didn’t relax until you were sure her footsteps went back to the master bedroom

After that, you were much more careful about how long you spent studying and when. You haven’t been caught since.

Occasionally, you’d have to sneak in your MC’s parent’s room to grab any books that you needed. Good thing Noelani was a book nerd.

You did have to be careful about your self learning- you didn’t want them getting any suspicions that their kid was suddenly…different out of nowhere.

You had no idea what MC was like as a kid before the events of Our Life so you tried your best to piece together what you could 

Speaking of, there were a bunch of things you quickly realized about Our Life, one of which is that game didn’t go over nearly everything that MC went through, let alone before Cove came or others that it only touched on briefly

For example, the tourists that came and went every year happened to be close friends of Pamela’s from her time in university, hence why they were so friendly to you and Liz in particular. 

It was also why they knew how to… handle your ever changing moods. At least-

That’s what it looked like to them.

To you- it was because you had to battle MC’s initial responses to these scenarios.

Go figure, this body still had its fair share of emotions inside of it, leaving you to figure out if this sharp pang of fear or worry was your own or not.

It left you second guessing everything you did, especially when you’d be up at night, studying and practicing your writing

It seriously irked you, knowing your writing was sloppy even though you knew this body couldn’t help it. It didn’t make seeing your scrappy writing less frustrating though

Despite how much you tried to hide how YOU felt, not MC, Noelani still picked up on the small shifts in your behavior. 

One of these being the irritation you harbored for your writing. 

Speaking of emotions, you found your body easily overwhelmed by any stronger ones- your own irritation making you cry- an alien feeling and one that took even you by surprise.

Worse part? The first time happened was in front of Noelani when she tried to help you practice your penmanship

Naturally, she tried to comfort you MC by trying to console you, saying it’d be better with practice and wiping away your tears but no matter how YOU tried, the tears wouldn’t stop flowing

It wasn’t until much later that you realized that MC’s tiny self had their own limits and by pushing those adult feelings and expectations that YOU had onto it sent it into a messy overdrive.

After that, you had learned to slow down- the world wasn’t ending…even if it felt like it.

…

The nail in the coffin for you that made YOU cry. Not MC’s body: Your dreams started to resemble parts of your life. 

You’d dream that you were back at your desk job or filling out mundane paperwork but no matter how boring it’d be, it was YOUR life.

The one YOU were used to and familiar with

You’d always feel so relieved to be back where you were supposed to, whether you were happy with that life or not

It was that feeling of having all your choices in your hand and being in control of where you wanted to go, if that made sense.

Nobody made those choices for you except well…you.

Only to have that feeling of familiarity ripped away once you registered Liz waking you up to play while “Ma and Mom snooze the day away!”

…

You just want to go home…

To YOUR home…

-> Next... <-

-> Extras <- ⊹ ‧₊˚ Isekai Self Aware Taglist: @lilqi @annoying-mary @mellozhi ˚₊‧ ⊹

[themoonsbeloved]

I still need help

Its now the 8th of January and despite being told by my friend who spoke with her boss 3 weeks ago during their meeting that he was to hire me in the beginning of January and would reach out to me, he hasn't. I'm hoping somehow, eventually, when this man finally bothers to, he will contact me for a job offer since he reassured me back in november that he still intends to hire me. But since I have no idea when that will be, that means I'm left hanging completely.

long story short I am mentally ill and disabled who was dismissed from my last and only job that I struggled 2 years to get, only to be fired in 2 months in June because of my chronic fatigue and abusive managers. I rely a lot on my henna but bookings are not consistent enough to make regular income, and majority of the money ends up going to contributing to house bills for my family.

My therapy picks up again this week, very honestly been the only thing keeping me from harming myself at this point with how painful life has been and I want to be able to continue getting it low cost (£25 per session), my therapist is so amazing and we recently came to the understanding that I have complex-PTSD, and plan to look into it more this year. I'm too mentally ill to try and look for jobs right now and am basically doing 3 jobs already (one being joint caring duties with family members for my grandparents since I live with them, which I'm not paid for obviously) with inconsistent money coming in/sessional work that I will be paid for once completed further into the year.

I have so many other costs that are coming in the near future, like paying for more medication, and for more lazer hair removal sessions for my severe hirsutism, which usually is around £300 if I'm lucky to catch offers. This is another I thing I mentally can't afford to stop doing, struggling with severe hirsutism and the trauma of it all my life means its important I can feel and live somewhat comfortably in my body. Lazer hair isn't permanent and I'm looking into electrolysis, but again, I don't have that money yet and would prefer to not leave a huge gap where I don't do lazer and the mental torture of watching my body hair grow back. I also haven't gotten my eyes checked in over 3 years, and know I will need a change in perscription and need new glasses. I hate nothing more than what its come to. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from the constant anxiety and depressive episodes, I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm sick of everything and everyone and I just wish god would give me a break.

With all of the above in mind I'm aiming for about £600. This is all basically to help me just function and continue getting the things that help me not succumb to my mental health issues. If anything, my birthday's coming up in feb so I would appreciate it if folks gave some money if they have the means to. Anything is fine at this point.

Thank you so much

https://paypal.me/iffiia?country.x=GB&locale.x=en_GB

£0/£600

[a-little-revolution]

Hiya! I'm writing a character with dwarfism (achondroplasia specifically) and I had a quick question. She's a minor background character but I wanted her to still be represented properly and accurately. I'd like for her to be a baker and this is in a medieval fantasy setting.

What are things I should keep in mind as she works in a kitchen? My main concern is the best way for her to get around the kitchen, like going from one counter to the next.

I also want to make sure I don't have her doing any tasks that would hurt her, or show her doing things that would be impossible to do (like bending a certain way).

Would things like kneading dough, mixing ingredients, etc. cause any issues with pain? Obviously it depends on the person but I just wanted to check since most things I see online mention pain in the spine and legs, and reduced joint mobility.

I imagine it would be hard for her to stand for long periods, would a specific type of chair or back brace help? Are there any specific models of chairs you know/like that I can use as a reference for drawing her chair?

Hello!! I'm very passionate about this question as I myself am a baker with dwarfism!! I went to college for it and worked for a while, but most bakeries don't want disabled folks in the kitchen - so my career has changed to customer service while I sort out what I want to do (likely tattooing or something artsy).

Here's some things that would make the kitchen more accessible to your character with dwarfism:

Lower counters, or platforms/stools throughout so she can access her work space

Sinks with long handles (possibly an attachment) for easy reaching. Keep in mind that most LP have a shorter reach as well as height, so long counters and deep sinks can pose an obstacle.

Smaller tools to account for her hand size - stainless steel bowls that are lightweight and easy to carry

Yes, kneading and mixing could cause pain if she has arthritis, which many little people do - she may choose to wear a wrist brace, use a stand mixer, or take frequent brakes

Her apron will be long on her, so she'll likely hike it up at the waist when she ties it

Seating areas, such as near the stove when brakes are available, is something I find I need, but she may or may not depending on her capabilities and leg pain. Her chair would have short legs and a shallow seat with good back support.

She may choose to have other people carry hot pots of water or spill able things to the sink, as getting off and on a stool/platform with such things are a safety risk. She'll likely carry thing like that on her hip.

When I was in baking school I bought a lot of my own tools - smaller and lighter rolling pins, grips for lids, wooden tongs to reach things and turn on elements, etc.

I hope this helps! - E

[doberbutts]

We have a little free pantry in our front yard (toothbrushes, tampons, shelf-stable snacks bottled water, etc.), and I read a lot about people's experiences having one online before we put ours up re: expectations about potential interactions with people using it, but nothing prepared me for how weirdly aggro *other* people sometimes get about us having it as a form of "activism" as opposed to some other, more nebulous idea of broader social change. "Don't you think it'd be better to volunteer at or donate money to a homeless shelter, so those people can get the actual help they need?" "Shouldn't you focus more on trying to campaign for policy changes that will help more people than one street corner if you care about this problem?" "Isn't doing that a waste of time?" "Aren't you just encouraging people not to get help?" I do that other stuff when I can. This is something small I can do - in addition to raising awareness and fighting for bigger change, when I have the time and money and spoons - and at least, when I don't. It's crazy to me to approach social justice issues with such an all-or-nothing mindset as some people seem to. I've met enough of the individuals who utilize it to know it makes a difference in a very tangible way for the people directly around me.

No, I agree entirely.

Corny and dated as it is, there's a reason the saying is "be the change you want to see". If no one within the community puts in the work to fix the community's problems, even in little bits and pieces, then how will anything change? Raising awareness only goes so far. What happens when all anyone is, is aware? Aware, and still doing nothing, waiting for someone else to put in the work.

Sometimes, that someone is going to need to be you. You can't just wait around and wait for someone else to do it for you.

If I see someone digging through the trash for food, I wave them over and offer them food from my house or fresh food from a store or take them to a restaurant where they can order whatever they want. If I'm getting groceries and I see someone very obviously homeless struggling to pay for their food, I tell the cashier to add it to my bill. No one starves in front of me. Ever since I stopped needing to rely on food stamps, no one starves in front of me.

This past summer I saw someone splayed out on the sidewalk in 95F weather in direct sunlight. I couldn't tell if he was unconscious from drugs or passed out from the heat or just simply had fallen asleep in the shade and then the sun moved. I was getting groceries so I added a bunch of hot chicken to my order plus several bottles of refrigerated water. I went over to him and woke him and explained that I was worried he needed medical attention. He'd passed out because he was tired, he told me. I offered him the hot food and the water and he thanked me, telling me he'd run out of water the night before and food the day before that and didn't have any money to get any more.

Everyone else had been walking around him like he was just an obstacle on the sidewalk. No one had thought to offer any help. When I walked away, some folks who saw me told me that that was very nice of me. I don't think it was nice of me. I think that's just what you should do if you see someone obviously in distress. They agreed that he seemed like he needed the help. They didn't act. They agreed that the compassionate and right thing to do was to offer assistance and make sure he was okay. But they didn't do it. They waited for someone else to do it.

I've mentioned in passing that I volunteer for the local teen LGBT club, helping lost gay kids find their way and maybe not kill themselves about it. It's not much. I mostly just text back and forth with whatever kids get my number from the adults that run the thing. Sometimes I give them tips and advice. Sometimes I'm just the cool gay uncle they tell about their latest school drama. Once or twice I've served one of them lunch on my couch while my dogs smother them with affection and they cry about their latest heartbreak. I don't do speeches or history lessons or anything like that. I don't think I'm qualified for it, in honesty. But if even one of them doesn't commit suicide, if even one of them doesn't self-harm, if even one of them no longer feels all alone in the world because I'm there when they reach out to me, that's enough.

Today on my commute to work, the guy in front of me had a major wipeout on his motorcycle. I stopped my car in a position that none of the other cars could hit him, and asked if he was okay, and waited until his friend (also on a motorcycle) had circled back around to help him off the road and check him over. I left once his friend waved me away. I offered to call an ambulance but he refused.

A couple weeks ago, also on my commute, a woman was stopped on the side of the road, waving her arms at drivers, shouting for help. I stopped. The other drivers didn't. Her car had died, she was new to town, and she was somewhere that notoriously doesn't get cell service. I helped her call a tow truck. It wasn't a trap. She didn't want to hitchhike. She just was stuck and panicked about it.

I stop and help animals get off the road. I've lost count on how many turtles I've carried to the other side. I helped my neighbor search for a dog he saw get hit by a car so he could take it to the vet. I shoveled my elderly neighbor's driveway for her, and talked my boss into giving her a major discount for her little dog's dental in which pretty much every tooth needed extraction or he would die. When I still lived in that rental with my roommates, we were surrounded by kids. Every kid on the block knew we were a safe house to go to. If they needed food or water, if they needed entertainment, if they needed just somewhere to be, they could be at our place. When covid started, I did a "reverse halloween" since Halloween was canceled, and I put bags of candy on every doorstep that I knew had kids inside. I've done a "neighborhood santa" putting a small toy plus a small gift card for the parents on every doorstep that has kids, for as long as I've lived around kids.

When I say activism requires action, I don't mean that every single person is required to save a thousand lives. The honest answer is, unless you have a lot of disposable time and money, you probably won't. But you can still make a difference. To one. To ten. To twenty.

And you know what? I'm not saying black people specifically came up with this- but how can you be surprised to know this is how I live my life when I say over and over that I was raised by black activists who lived during MLK Jr and Malcolm X and knew community action would have the longest-lasting effects? Of course I do all this. That's what being part of a community *is*.

[spaceorphan18]

SO's Guide to the Bridgerton Children so @coffeegleek can tell them apart ;)

Violet Bridgerton

Okay, so first of all this is the mom of all these children. Her husband was Edmund. He got stung by a bee and died, so he is no longer around.

Anthony Bridgerton

Okay, so the oldest son is Anthony. He is the current Viscount (don't ask me about British nobility, I know nothing) and is currently running the Bridgerton estate, though that is not his favorite thing to do. He had very unfortunate sideburns in season one. And he likes to shout things like "you are the bane of my existence" and "LILACS". He does have oldest child syndrome where he acts like he doesn't want to be in charge, but he totally loves being in charge and telling everyone what to do.

His wife is Kate Sharma. She is a delight, and possibly the second best character on this show (obviously after Penelope). So just remember, passionate and loud guy with Kate -- that is Anthony. Oh, and they have one child who is being born in India because Jonathan Bailey is apparently very in demand right now.

Benedict Bridgerton

Benedict is the artsy, bisexual who hangs out on the swings with Eloise. He is an actual delight, but the writers don't seem to really know what to do with him. He makes a good comedic foil to Anthony. Also they cut his hair for seasons 2 and 3 which doesn't help the whole looking the same thing. We're speculating his season is next because of a bunch of hints. In the books he falls in love with a lower class girl.

Colin Bridgerton

Colin is the sweet, sensitive (most likely demisexual) writer and world traveler. He's got some insecurity issues, a massive hero complex, and is a complete simp for his wife.

HOW HAVE YOU FOLLOWED ME FOR THE PAST TWO MONTHS AND NOT KNOW WHO COLIN IS - C'MON GIRL, PAY ATTENTION

He is married to Penelope Featherington, aka Lady Whistledown, aka the best damn character on this whole show. 90% of the time, Colin is hanging off Penelope, so he honestly should be easy to spot. Also, he got her pregnant BEFORE the wedding and little Lord Feathertington was born 8 months into their marriage.

Daphne Bridgerton

She was the main character of Season 1, who looks a lot like Keira Knightly. You don't really need to worry about her, because it's doubtful that she's coming back.

She is married to the Duke - Simon Basset, Lord of Hastings or something. He enjoys licking spoons. Daphne burns for him. Again, he's not coming back so, you know, I wouldn't worry about it.

They do have a child together, a little boy I believe and I think they hinted at a second one? Idk, maybe the kids will come back to hang out with Gregory and Hyacinth at the end of the series.

Eloise Bridgerton

Probably my personal favorite Bridgerton? (Idk, Colin wormed his way up there.) She stands out because Claudia Jessie is just amazing at giving her a lot quirky mannerisms. She doesn't want to get married and is really into women's rights. She is also fucking hilarious. I would love her to be asexual, but the writers insist she's getting a love story at some point, so.... The internet would prefer her to be a lesbian. That's cool, too, but also unlikely to happen.

Eloise spends a lot of her time on swings with Benedict and in is often the third wheel with Pen and Colin (though sometimes Colin is that third wheel).

She and Penelope are BFFs. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!

Francesca Bridgerton

Francesca is SUPER into the piano(forte) and really nothing else. There's really not a whole lot to say about her other than she IS probably going to be the lesbian of the show.

She is currently married to John Stirling. The two are very quiet together and that's exactly how they want it. Don't get too attached to him, he's most likely going to die in the next season. John also has a female cousin named Michaela, whom the internet is mad about because she is a woman -- making Francesca's future love interest a woman instead of a man. I say more power to the lesbians. Calm your tits folks, it'll be fine.

Gregory Bridgerton

OMG, look how adorable this kid is. He's gonna look just like his older brothers when he grows up. They've already given him a tad more to do in Season 3, and he's been an utter delight. I'm sure he'll be great leading Season 8 when we get to it in 2034.

Hyacinth Bridgerton

The youngest Bridgerton! She is excitable and energetic and super excited about all the marriages and also KNOWS who is ending up with who and is totally down for it. She is also a sassy delight and really can't wait until she starts holding her own with Eloise!

THERE YOU GO THAT'S THE WHOLE BRIDGERTON FAMILY - DOES THAT HELP??

[atinylittlepain]

Make It Better - A Joel Miller Story

Joel Miller x f!reader/f!oc

Joel Miller masterlist

Menstruating in the midst of the apocalypse isn’t exactly a breeze. While Joel can be a real guy about her period, he's always up for helping ease her pain, in whatever way he can.

warnings | 18+ SMUT, period sex, enough said

a/n | this is entirely inspired by a post I saw today from @psychedelic-ink in search of some good, sweet period fics about Mr. Miller. Voila, folks.

Men have it so much easier in the apocalypse. This was a thought that had occurred to her monthly for the last twenty years. Everytime her period came, she found herself woefully unprepared. You would think that FEDRA would start mass producing pads or something, but obviously there were no women amongst the higher ups, because no such relief had ever come. She had figured out a number of tricks over the years, slicing up the military-issued socks to make reusable pads, keeping an eye out for old tampax boxes on runs with Joel. He’d always get flustered when she’d wave a lucky, smuggled box in his face, muttering something about not needing to know about that while she just grinned from ear to ear with the knowledge that she’d be set for the next month. She and Tess would give him endless shit for it, trying to outdo each other in making him blush amidst all their womanly talk. 

She missed Tess endlessly, but had quickly drawn Ellie into the challenge of freaking Joel out with talk of the very normal, very human thing that was menstruation. He at least tried to be a gentleman about it, while still being a total guy about it too, asking her if she was feeling ok when he knew hers was coming up, but also sometimes pulling the “you on the rag?” card when she was being particularly short with him. 

When they got to Jackson, and Maria hooked both her and Ellie up with diva cups, it had been a game changer. No more makeshift pads, no more scrounging for expired tampons. Finally, some damn relief from the conundrum that was menstruating during the end of the world. Since they had settled into the community, however, and her and Joel had been sharing a bit more than just each other’s platonic company, Joel’s seeming unease around the topic of her monthlies hadn’t really dissipated. 

He had actually jumped in shock when she showed him how the diva cup worked one night in their shared bathroom, a twisted look of horror on his features as she folded up the plastic contraption before letting it snap back into form. His words came out as an incredulous gasp when he finally spoke.

“You’re telling me that goes inside you, like that?” She had to bite back a laugh at his reaction. 

“Pretty sure I’ve had far more inside me very recently, Joel.” A brutal flush crept across his neck and face at that, leaving him a stammering mess as he quickly stumbled out of the bathroom. It was just too easy.

Another time, Joel had come home from a patrol shift to find her in the kitchen, boiling the diva cup to sanitize it before the next time. He had sweetly come up behind her, wrapping his arms around her waist and murmuring into her neck, asking what was for dinner. Then he got a good look at what was in the pot. That time, he had let out a yelp, tripping back on his feet and looking at her like she had grown a second head.

“Godammnit, woman. What the hell are you doing?” She had fixed him with a look, huffing at his big man-baby antics.

“Joel, I have to clean it somehow.” His eyes were wide, a terror-stricken look on his face.

“Not in the pans we eat out of though!” He didn’t seem convinced by her cajoling that it was perfectly sanitary and after that night, she never saw that pot again.

One thing they could agree on about all this, however, was period sex. First and foremost, Joel liked to feel needed, like he could give something to her, so it took little convincing to get him between her legs under the guise of helping ease her cramps. He hardly cared about the blood, and she thought he also didn’t mind how sensitive she got during that time of the month either. His only stipulation? That the diva cup came out before he got anywhere near her. 

As usual, her period had started the night before, always the middle of the month. She and Joel had been together for so long at this point that he could clock it pretty well, the next morning looking in the bathroom cabinet in the spot where she normally kept her diva cup before turning to look at her skeptically, his face still groggy with sleep. She had smirked at him around her toothbrush before wiping her mouth and fully looking at him.

“Yes, Joel? Do you have a question?” His brows shot up his forehead before settling back into a furrow, he cleared his throat.

“Is it um, is it–” She quirked a brow at his stumbling. He finally spit it out though.

“Is it– in there?” She couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled out at his bashful look.

“You ask me the same thing every month and I give you the same answer every month. Yes, it’s in there.” His brow stayed furrowed as he rubbed the back of his neck, finally letting out a gruff hum before shuffling back into the bedroom. Some things never change. Why a man who had literally killed people with his bare hands couldn’t seem to get over the fact that she had a functioning uterus was beyond her, but damn, was it fun to watch him squirm.

She got home before him that night, having taken an earlier patrol shift. While she was certainly tough, having been out on the road for such a long time, she still got worn down by the requisite cramps that came every month and was currently in a world of hurt. She had once told Ellie that she’d trade all her non-essential organs for a bottle of midol. 

While not quite the same as painkillers, Maria had gifted her a bottle of peppermint oil for her cramps. Some of the women had been harvesting the wild plants and were beginning to distill them down for their medicinal properties, and apparently peppermint worked particularly well for pain. She took off her shirt and bra, not bothering to shuck off her pants before laying across their bed and rubbing some of the oil into her stomach, sighing at the instant relief that the cooling sensation brought. She let her eyes drift shut, enjoying the light tingling of the oil on her skin as well as the fresh scent of the peppermint, but was soon interrupted by the sound of heavy boots approaching the bedroom.

“Are you in– oh.” She cracked one eye open, taking in the sight of Joel standing over the bed, seemingly slack-jawed as he looked down at her. She couldn’t help but smile at him.

“Why does it smell like toothpaste in here?” She huffed at that, sitting up and handing him the bottle of peppermint oil.

“It’s for cramps, from Maria.” He looked at her then, and she was starting to feel warm at the way his gaze was wandering over her half-naked figure.

“You hurting?” She just shrugged, sighing as he stepped closer to let his fingertips skate along her collarbone. He leaned down to drop a kiss to her lips that she chased after to deepen, finally pulling away once they were both good and gasping for breath. Joel pressed his forehead to hers, his voice coming out hoarse.

“Can I help?” She grinned, gripping the hair at the nape of his neck and drawing her lips to his ear in a way that made him shudder.

“You sure can. But you better let me get up first. It’s still in there.” He was off her in a flash, hands up like he was surrendering to the period police. She couldn’t help the wicked laugh that came out as she jogged over to the bathroom to get fully undressed. She could hear him mumble after her retreating figure “fucking menace.”

Diva cup out, and towel in hand, she came back into the bedroom to find him shirtless, toeing off his boots and socks on the end of the bed. He paused in his movements when she stepped before him, completely bare. His face went totally slack as he took in the sight of her. Never gets old. He snapped himself out of it, swallowing thickly before looking up to her gaze.

“Lay yourself out for me, darlin.” His southern drawl was already getting slow and thick in a way that made her thighs clench. She did as he asked, laying down the towel before settling her hips over it and laying back against the pillows. He stood at the end of the bed, not taking his eyes off her as he peeled off his jeans. 

She had dipped one hand down to draw lazy strokes across her clit, already impossibly sensitive as his eyes bore down on her. She couldn’t help the whimper that ran through her throat when he slid his boxers off, his cock already hard as he crawled up onto the bed between her legs. Hovering over her, he rested one of his elbows by her temple as they met in an entirely sloppy kiss. They were both stubborn and it showed in the harsh tangle of tongues and scraping of teeth. He pulled away just for a moment to look down as his fingers dipped into her folds, drawing a long sweep up to her clit. She preened into his touch, hips already bucking up into his hand as he started to swirl his fingers around her clit.

“So worked up for me already, huh, pretty? Just need me to make you feel good, s’that it?” His voice was a low purr in her ear as he dipped his fingers down to her entrance. She whined as he started to thrust into her, his palm grinding against her clit in messy circles. 

“F-fuck, yes. Make me feel good, Joel. Wanna be good for you.” He dragged his lips up the arch of her neck, his murmurs sending vibrations through the tender skin.

“Always so good for me, darlin. Want you to come on my fingers, can you do that?” She was already embarrassingly close, clenching around his fingers with each thrust of his hand. All she could do was nod and bite back the shivering moans that were crawling up her throat. Joel dipped his head down to her chest, taking one of her peaked nipples into his hot mouth and she yelped out a broken curse at the feeling. There was a lewd pop when he pulled off her, resting his chin between the valley of her breasts as he watched her teeter over the edge of pleasure.

“Come for me, darlin. Show me how good it feels. Just let go.” The pleasure snapped in a jagged blur as she clamped down around his fingers, her hips jerking up into his hold. He worked her through it until she was starting to squirm in his hand, finally pulling his fingers away and wiping them off on the towel beneath her. 

She pulled him in by his neck for another kiss, her other hand sweeping down between them to palm at his throbbing hardness. He hissed into her mouth as her thumb swiped over his tip, smearing pre-cum down the length of him before lining him up with her entrance. 

“Want you, Joel. Wanna feel you, please.” He groaned into her neck before pressing his hips forward, both of them letting out broken sighs when his hips settled flush with hers. She drew one leg up, her knee hitching at his waist as he rolled his hips back before thrusting into her in one harsh stroke, quickly finding a pace that had her gasping out his name. 

“S’right, pretty. Keep saying my name– fuck– s’me who’s making you feel so good, huh?” She let out a whimpered “yes” to his question, her nails finding purchase in the tense muscles of his back. The pleasure was already starting to pool sure and heady at the base of her spine, her cunt fluttering around his thick length with each thrust. Joel seemed to notice, bringing his hand down between them to draw heavy sweeps across her clit. Her hips bucked at the sensation, a clipped cry bubbling from her throat. Joel’s eyes were fierce as he watched her crumpled expression of pleasure.

“Think you got one more for me, darlin. Be good for me. Come for me– fuck– need to feel you.” With a cry of his name she fell over the edge of pleasure again, spasming around his dick as he fucked her through the simmering throb. He wasn’t far behind, pulling out only to stroke himself a few times before he was releasing over her stomach. 

He hunched over her, his breath smearing across her collarbones as she lightly dragged her nails up and down his back, both of them trying to calm their racing pulses. Joel finally looked up at her, pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of her mouth that drew a grin from her.

“That feel better, darlin?” 

“Much better, but we really need a shower now.”

They showered together, and it was sweet, all tender touches and soft smiles. But she couldn’t help herself when they got out, wrapping her towel around her body and grabbing the diva cup, waving it in Joel’s face. 

“You wanna see how it’s done, Miller?” He visibly blanched at her words, already shuffling out of the bathroom as he muttered a few words.

“Nope. No, ma’am.”

[bonzos-number-1-fan]

TMAGP 29 Thoughts: Lost in Translation

We're at the penultimate episode of the season, folks. It's a surprisingly standard episode given what we had for the last one. It's also a very TMA flavoured one at that. This episode, despite being written by Alex, might have taken the top spot for one that feels the most like an Archives ep. Which isn't a bad thing. Or even a good thing. However it is an enjoyable thing and I thought this episode was really well put together on the whole. Also, fun fact for the non-readers; this episode was originally called "Locked In".

Spoilers for episode 29 below the cut.

Sam's not dead. What a shock. Genuinely, I've no real clue why people thought him dying there was a possibility. It would've been probably the least satisfying death possible for a central character. I am so on board with Sam’s death at some point though. Maybe at the end of act 1 or the midpoint of act 2 in season 3. If only to shut up the small contingent of the fanbase upset over their own invented issues about him being the sole main character whom all other characters exist to support. The gang is off to Hilltop to find all that juicy Magnus lore.

I don't think there is much to get into for Lena and Gwen's exchange here but I do think it's set up for her role in the finale. So I'll cover that later.

I really liked this incident. It felt very classically Magnus to me and was just a really solid self-contained story. It's also a really good one for using the format it's in the the benefit of the narrative being told. The structure of it as a diary and how that's used to show something traumatic happening before it's ever spoken of was very well done. The characters being an older couple also is something I think is really clever too. Not just because it helps explain the diary format. I think in a literal sense this episode doesn't need much of my insights. It was all pretty clear exactly what happened. Old couple redid their proposal holiday to tragic results leading to the survivor taking their own life via magic key. Tale as old as time that one is. There are a few language details to talk about though. The husband was called Stanley Locke. Stanley is a brand of locks. I can only assume that was intentional. The other reason them being old is important to the events is I think a younger couple would've just not gone into the locked museum. Because that's what the place is. Zamčené muzeum isn't a *lock *museum, it's a *locked *museum. Google translate would've solved this whole episode then and there. The major thing to actually talk about here is the incident's placement as the penultimate incident. It's not likely to be a randomly placed one and given it's about opening all sorts of barriers I think it's pretty obviously foreshadowing for our finale. Hilltop has more than one thing needing to be opened. The Institute's secrets, and the gap in reality. It also mirrors [Error]'s introduction as the first thing they do is open a padlock.

Teddy's near-confession is the most interesting thing in this whole episode for my money. Mostly because it's such fertile ground for speculation. There are a lot of ways it could go but there are some facts that I think point us in a direction. He still works at Royal Mint Court/was interviewed for a job there. He's still up all night. He's got a big secret he needs to tell Alice that's important to her current circumstances enough to be urgent. Meaning he therefore has new information he didn't have before he left. Which means where he is now is in a place that could provide said information. The OIAR has more going on behind the scenes than we ever see yet is seemingly staffed by a tiny amount of people. Which points to Teddy maybe still just being at the OIAR. Either just moving up in the organisation and the party was a ruse, or he was headhunted after he left and his work fell through. It could also be a company like Starkwall too, if there is any real difference between the two. Some offshoot of the Institute is also a possibility given the link between Newton and the Royal Mint. Or, he's been scooped up by Klaus.

The final scene here doesn't have an awful lot to comment on. It's somewhat curious that [Error] is able to get around so unseen but we do know she can teleport. I'm assuming she's on the train to get Celia's secrets about the Institute. Plenty of time for that too as London to Oxford is about an hour on the train. Not really anywhere for them to hide either so they're probably pretty fucked.

Now the long wait until next week begins.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

What sort of penultimate episode post would be complete without some finale predictions? I think there are a fair few pieces in play here and so there are quite a lot of things to speculate on.

I think there are some fairly obvious things that are likely to happen. Celia is going to get [Error]ed and exposition dump about her whole deal. It's got to come out some time and I think in general the show has been foreshadowing this pretty hard with Gwen and Sam both getting [Error]ed. The other major possibility here is that Alice gets got and she's got some secret twisty trauma. If *Connor is her dead name then she *is on CHDB (the Institute's list of children they tested, see the master sheet below) but I would generally hate that. I mean, they might pull it off but I really don't want Alice to have that backstory. She is the character we know the least about so far though and there have been more than a few hints about the fate of her parents. So it's a strong possibility too IMO. Albeit it does mean that Alice would need to catch up with them somehow. Maybe Teddy can give her a lift and we'll hear what was on his mind. Or it's both as this will be a double-length episode so there is room for that.

Speaking of [Error] it seems likely that Celia is going to reveal at least what she knows about Archivists. With [Error] being this season's antagonist it's likely that she's going to get defeated in the finale and as such we'll lose the best opportunity to learn more about her. Revealing that information after she's dealt with is less impactful. They might end up [Error]ing themselves and given a statement, or villain monologuing. It's curious that they're so obviously capable of speech and have said so little though. So I am expecting something to change there.

Hilltop could go a lot of ways. It could be a gaping maw in realities that sucks our cast off to someplace new. It could be nothing but some clues to the Institute's purpose. I don't have much in the way of anything I'd like it to be either. I generally think it'll be the least interesting bit of the finale. The biggest thing it could answer it won't, that being JMJ, and so I'm content to just let that one play out and not think about it too much. In either case Hilltop is likely to play some role in defeating [Error] and if I had to hazard a guess I think it's likely we'll see some of the great cosmology at play here. Both in terms of TMP itself but I think we'll get some hints at how things have changed from TMA/how TMA's things have changed.

I think we're also going to see a good bit of Gwen going being Lena's back too. Assuming we're not going to jump forward in time at all then Gwen is currently alone in the office and is clearly planning things. I don't think we'll necessarily see anything major happen but I do think it's a pretty likely hook for season 2. Either something to do with Klaus or the other strange emails. It's that or Colin is going to break in and cause some havoc. Gwen is the character I most see going along with him on this too. I think that might be a surprising take to some of you but Gwen is unique in that she doesn't actually give a shit about him, and also wants to ruin Lena's career. Colin wrecking the place while she's not there would certainly do some damage to her job stability.

I'm not too sure we'll see much of the other voiced cast. I can't really see a reason for Lena, Teddy, Ink5oul, or anyone else to get involved in the finale. Although Lena could certainly be a big part of the epilogue assuming any of the Gwen stuff goes down like I expect.

Anyway, lots to look forward to.

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Incident/CAT#R#DPHW Master Sheet and Terminology Sheet

DPHW Theory: 4254 is unremarkable. At this point I really don't know what it'd take to tip my theory on its head.

CAT# Theory: CAT2 is another funny one for the Person/Place/Object idea. The museum was arguably supernatural but the key was obviously supernatural. So if anything this should be CAT3 or potentially a CAT23 but it's just CAT2. If it is P/P/O I'm going to need a really strong explanation for why it sucks so bad.

R# Theory: Yeah, B sounds good to me. Strong physical evidence of a thing happening but nothing that definitively proves the supernatural. Going into the finale this whole theory seems to be holding pretty well. At least for non-Ss. An S could be a lot of things though so we'll see.

Header talk: Drowning (Subterranean) -/- Key (Metaphor) is somewhat interesting in that Key (Metaphor) can be read as the key itself being entirely metaphorical. I think that's fairly obviously wrong but it's interesting. The meaning is more that the key has the ability to open things in a metaphorical sense. It works on more than just doors, after all. So the key itself is real but it works on a looser interpretation of "opening" than just locks and doors. Beyond just that interpretation there is also the metatextual element that the incident itself is metaphorical for what's to come. Assuming it wasn't randomly placed, that is.

[hogwartshotel]

putting on my trauma therapist hat

Full Moon spoilers under the cut.

Okay so if people are mad at Blitzø after that episode, send them here!

I am, in real life, a licensed therapist who works with PTSD, so I feel like I have some hopefully helpful perspective to offer here.

I've started to see a some "I get it, Blitzø has issues, but he fucked that whole thing up", and I want to talk a bit more about how PTSD works. If any of this resonates with you personally, I recommend seeking a therapist who specializes in trauma!

There are five categories in which we expect trauma to effect people's beliefs about themselves, others and the world, long-term: trust, safety, power and control, intimacy, and self-esteem. So let's take a look at those in this scene. They do overlap.

Trust. That heartbreaking line where Stolas says "I didn't realize you thought so lowly of me" is a result of Blitzø expressing that he's never had complete trust in Stolas's intentions. Hard to blame him -- trust is something we first learn in early childhood. Imagine trying to learn trust from someone like Blitzø's dad. People often have difficulty trusting not only others, but also themselves and their own judgment.

Safety. This really ties into power and control below. Imagine that Blitzø's whole personality has come from a desire to keep himself safe -- he's good with guns, he's his own boss, he doesn't have close relationships so he can't be rejected, he puts on an air of over confidence. Having any of that challenged can shake his whole set of beliefs about himself and the world.

Power and control. When something traumatic happens to us, we can often feel ourselves. We often try to limit our experiences to ones we feel we have control over, because our brains convince ourselves this will keep us safe. We've seen Stolas come to realize that their arrangement gives him more power over Blitzø than he's comfortable with. We've also seen Blitzø attempting to exert his own power -- by keeping Stolas at arm's length, by being the one to direct their sexual encounters (not saying that you need to have trauma in order to be dominant), by doing everything he can to keep the sex interesting so that Stolas won't end the deal. Stolas is doing the right thing by giving Blitzø the crystal, but it freaks him the fuck out. He's already figured out how to have power in the situation, and he's been operating under the assumption that Stolas also likes having this power over him (that part is more theoretical, but I see Blitzø as someone who assumes that everyone thinks the way he does about this shit). So having that dynamic suddenly changed makes him panic. It triggers a fear response. He reacts in a way that assumes it's a game or a trick. The idea that someone would willingly give up power sets of alarm bells in his mind.

Intimacy. Obviously, this is a big one in their dynamic, and it's going to tie in a lot to esteem. It is very common for folks with trauma histories to have difficulties forming intimate connections -- if you've read the above stuff about trust, it's probably easy to see why. In his part of the duet, we hear Blitzø acknowledging that the situation is feeling a little complicated, but that he's going to avoid that by focusing on the sex aspect. The idea of emotional intimacy is terrifying to him.

Esteem. Blitzø does not believe that he is capable of being loved, or that anyone who gets to know him will want to stay with him. We see a lot of that in the "bad trip" scene back in season 1. Hearing Stolas express feelings for him is terrifying. I'm not sure exactly what goes through his head, but it might be something like "I'm going to fuck this up," "he's lying," or "he doesn't know what he's talking about."

So. Imagine all of that getting triggered at once. I'm not saying that Blitzø handled it well or that he isn't responsible for his actions, I'm just saying it's really understandable that he didn't handle it perfectly. Quite frankly, I thought it was going to go a lot worse -- he does get angry and say hurtful things, but we immediately see him regret it and reach out to Stolas, and I was expecting him to need a lot longer to stop being angry. I am curious to see if he's going to go to a self-destructive spiral ("I always do this, I fucked it up again, why bother even trying") or if he's going to break the pattern and figure out a way to make it right. Seeing as the next episode is called "apology tour," I'm guessing we're going to see the latter -- but that is honestly huge character growth.

[twig-tea]

Love Senior: Final Thoughts

I've been putting off making a post about this because I don't like trashing things that are small efforts and especially not GL because we don't get enough of it to begin with. But I was enjoying Love Senior through episode 7. The leads were lovely, they had chemistry, their characters were both interesting, and one of them had casual sex with someone else before they got together and it was fine! They even talked about it! And they were thirsty! I love it when women get to have sexual desire in shows.

After episodes 8-9, the narrative took a serious turn and I broke and wrote a content warning post because of how gross the turn in the plot was. With one episode left, I watched to see whether it would undo any of the damage it had done, but instead it doubled down on awfulness.

The last episode is truly a smorgasbord of some of my least favourite tropes all rolled up into one miserable finale, and makes the show truly unwatchable even though it delivers a "happy ending". It didn't make sense, it wasn't good characterization, it served nothing but unnecessary angst, and it meant we didn't even get satisfying reconciliation or dealing with the issues laid out in 8-9. After this ending, I was extremely unconvinced these two would last, or that they should.

I know this isn't the worst there is in the world of QL. I've watched a lot of stuff. I used to just stay quiet if I didn't like something, but honestly, I want folks looking for info about this show to know what to expect, and I also want folks creating content to know that audiences expect better these days. I don't want people to think GL flops because nobody wants to watch it. We're so desperate for good, or even half-decent content (the viewing numbers for GAP should have made that obvious)! But things need to hold together at least somewhat, and this very much did not.

Most of the cast in this show is in a girl group together, so you can support them, continue past the cut if you want details on what makes this finale suck (I've kept it vague but obviously there will be spoilers), and I hope this is taken as it's intended--to help inform the watching decisions of us who love GL and want more of it, and to give information to those making it.

[I'm just going to note also that this show was by StarHunter Entertainment which is not known for its queer rep or good treatment of its people, so I don't feel like I owe this production company any loyalty].

Details about the last episode under the cut.

In episode 10, the following happens:

we get told the SA that I warned about in my 8-9 post was just staged for the purposes of blackmail/breaking up the leads

[the show doesn't acknowledge that the characters were still left in a position that they could have still been sexually assaulted, and that they were put in that position by someone they trusted]

Someone gets hit by a car

One of the leads falls into a coma, and on waking, gets amnesia

Her friends and family conspire to lie to her, not just erasing her girlfriend from their picture of her life, but saying that one of her other friends who has a crush on her is her boyfriend. They all go along with this lie for months

On finding out that her girlfriend had been told that she's actually dating some other guy, her girlfriend decides to noble idiocy and disappear from her life

More time passes, and they see one another at the amnesia girl's graduation, and hug for a happy ending.

THE END.

No conversation. No reconciliation beyond acknowledgment that they still have feelings. No mention of their breakup before the coma. Nothing that convinces me this couple will actually last at all, or reason (in the form of character growth, or narrative purpose) for why they've gone through this. Nothing about the main character being lied to by all of her friends and family for months. This ending says 'everything is fine as long as the two people you want to be in a relationship are in a relationship at the end of the story', and that doesn't fly with me.

[cacodaemonia]

As we're all very aware, we live in a time when open hatred of many marginalized groups has been growing. And as many others have said, it's super fucking important that we stop fighting amongst ourselves over relatively minor issues when there are people who quite literally wants us dead, or at the very least, silent and subservient.

Punching down and sideways to attack the people who are 99% on our side might make us feel superior for a little while, but it's important to ask ourselves if attacking other marginalized people helps anyone.

With that in mind, I wanted to remind all of us that language, culture, and iconography all change over time, and not everyone keeps up with those changes at the same speed.

As an obvious example, 'they' is now a much more commonly used singular pronoun than it used to be. It's meaning has expanded and changed subtly.

Another example is the comedy genre in general: movies and TV shows from even a few years ago relied on humor that many of us now see as tasteless at best and dehumanizingly cruel at worst.

Then you have things like reclaimed slurs. For some of them, their meanings have changed multiple times.

We've also got all of the microlabels among queer folks, which are rapidly multiplying and evolving. Many of them didn't exist 2 or 5 or 10 years ago, but now they might be the most central part of someone's personality.

Pepe the frog is an example of an image whose meaning has radically shifted in a short period of time. What was originally a harmless cartoon was appropriated by the US alt-right movement and is now considered a hate symbol (though the ADL acknowledges that 'the majority of uses of Pepe the Frog have been, and continue to be, non-bigoted').

On the opposite end of the spectrum, you have characters like Mickey Mouse and Felix the Cat, who were designed to be minstrels. Now, of course, almost no one associates Mickey Mouse with blackface or racism.

Those are just a handful of examples involving the English language and the internet's largely American-centric culture, but there are obviously many, many more. All of this is difficult enough for native English speakers to keep up with, but we should also bear in mind that, for many folks, English isn't their native language.

I've seen awful harassment by queer people against another queer person just because her English wasn't perfect and she used a term that, at that time, wasn't considered the correct one by the people who attacked her.

We should also keep in mind people who have other language or cognitive difficulties (I'm honestly not sure how to phrase this, so please don't assume I'm being derogatory or cruel—I am one of those people).

Even for those of us with the best of intentions, all of this can make online interactions feel like navigating a minefield because many people exclusively engage in paranoid reading of everything from novels to shitposts.

I think all of us would be better served if we stepped back for a moment to consider questions like, "Does this person have malicious intentions?" and "Is this something that causes real harm to real people or does it just bother me, personally?" and "Will calling this person out or shaming them help anyone?"

A lot of us are on the same side, and we might have slightly different beliefs, but we don't need to be enemies. Wasting our outrage on each other is exactly what our real enemies want.

[seafoamreadings]

week of october 8th, 2023

these are written predominantly for the *rising* signs but they are also intuitively "channeled" enough that they should work for any dominant energy you have! (try your sun if you don't know rising, or more advanced readers can try moon, anywhere you have a stellium, etc and see what works best for you!)

aries: this week's new moon is also a solar eclipse and it's in libra, your seventh house. that's your committed partnerships, political or business alliances, and known enemies arena; the way you live in the world is reflected in the people who you interact with. the volatility inherent in eclipse times can help you break any undesired patterns and start fresh.

taurus: venus moves into virgo. ignore the old timey suggestions that that placement is somehow bad; your ruling planet is not super comfortable there but there's nothing inherently unfortunate about it. discomfort spurs growth, and virgo is an earth sign like you. let it be a blossom rather than a wilt. the week is capped by a solar eclipse to help you shift your routine if you want. also if you don't want! out with the old.

gemini: eclipse season is on. sensitive folks already feel this weekend's agitation but if you don't yet, you'll see it by the weekend. if you make art this is an incredible time for an emotionally moving piece. be aware of the likelihood of unplanned pregnancies, conflicts with children, and drama in romantic flings.

cancerians: obviously the eclipse would have to be the most significant transit of the week for such a lunar creature as you. you may need a change of scenery, beautify or clean or repair your home, or just reboot your system after an exhausting period.

leo: venus leaving your sign may take a little (just a little) of the volume and shine out of your hair but it does bless your income or material resources, one way or another, and contributes to a good healthy self concept and the ability to live authentically.

virgo: a venusian ingress into your sign brings a little glamor into your life. avoid getting into any martyr/victim mentalities. by the end of the week the solar eclipse causes a security shift. for the better or not? depends on how you've been doing things since last eclipse season!

libra: your week is most likely nothing short of momentous as your ruling planet changes sign AND there is an eclipse in your sign. some of you are still having birthdays and this may occur near your sun's degree which would make for an interesting solar return. expect upheaval but maintain poise as well as you can, and remember that although the unknown can be scary, since you don't know what is coming, there is a chance it will be beautiful. don't assume the worst.

scorpio: while eclipse season may feel to you like a sort of dark night of the soul, venus into virgo at least means you're magnetizing helpful and kindly people. mentors, good samaritans, friends, neighbors, and network connections. you are not alone in whatever the struggle is; lean on support even if you aren't sure yet where to find it. it is there. keep looking.

sagittarius: you may gain and lose friends seemingly at the drop of a hat this week as the eclipse does its thing in libra. meanwhile venus into your 10th house means all eyes are on you, and even if you make a mistake you recover gracefully and everyone is impressed. so let yourself slough off the acquaintances who don't appreciate you. move on.

capricorn: solar eclipses and venusian transits will get most of the hype this week and yes they affect you, but almost unique to you is the groaning out of retrograde of pluto in the far reaches of your sign, heading for practical purposes permanently out of your sign again. a destruction occurs, which may be blamed on an eclipse, but it clears space for new growth or construction.

aquarius: for the most part you have no issues expanding your horizons. but wherever you've chosen to stay small out of fear or "respect" or for any other reason, you are forced to grow large this week, ready or not, like it or not.

pisces: this week's venusian activity affects you more strongly than the eclipse (unless you're also a libran or something). maybe this is something to be grateful for. while eclipses aren't always bad they are by nature volatile, and venus tends to be much more stately. from now she begins to focus on your partnerships and commitments.

[not-poignant]

I'm rereading utb and while i def understand and agree with ef being held accountable for things, at the same time, it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions, much less his trauma, without anyone actually explaining or modeling this

Like, everyone constantly brings up the fact that he tried to kill Kadek even once they've acknowledged why and gary is starting a relationship with him while also essentially his prison warden and with how little ef has experienced in the world, especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Idk, I really love this fic so, so much and thank you for writing it and i don't even need a response or anything, I just get defensive of ef when I'm reading sometimes bc he's trying so, so hard basically all the time and it seems like people acknowledge it sometimes in the moment but then don't give him the tools to make it any easier

Answering this one publicly because I know you're not the only one who feels this way or has felt this way!

Okay firstly, some of this conflict I'm evoking in the reader is intentional. I want people to feel defensive of Efnisien. I want people to think 'hey, hang on a minute.' There's a lot of reasons I want that, including the fact that in reality, most people don't recover from being abusive even after they've been in horrifically abusive situations in a vacuum (i.e. the whole world doesn't suddenly stop and become soft as cotton wool just because you've been abused! If you go and interview a whole bunch of people in jail right now, a lot of those folks (especially those who have done repeated serious crimes) will have experienced horrendous and incredibly unfair amounts of abuse, y'know? It's complicated. Yes, they have a right to heal and a right to support. Some of them probably did some pretty awful crimes as well. *coughs*serial killers*coughs*)

Obviously Efnisien is nowhere near that level, but the dissonance remains. He's certainly tried to murder more than one person. But we root for the person whose perspective we're reading. Still, people do not heal in a comfortable vacuum. In fact, most people are asked to be accountable for bad behaviour usually while suffering terribly. Because most people - unless they're certain kinds of extremely rare people - do bad behaviour because they don't know better and/or they're suffering intensely and it can momentarily feel good or satisfying to make other people hurt too.

That's an extremely hard process for the folks who are in that situation. Anyone who has had to recognise they're being a bully, or being abusive, usually goes through a period of time where they can't just immediately change, and what's expected of them seems impossible.

Now to everything else:

This world is a dystopia. There are things happening which aren't going to feel good when you're reading - systemic issues, issues around unfairness - because it's a dystopia. If those things weren't happening, and people just felt blithely comfortable with the entire world, well, that's not actually what I'm going for. There are times it should feel extremely disturbing to read.

So there are times I want readers to feel like things are unfair. There are times I want them to feel very strongly in one person's defense and only later realise the other person was hurt too. There are times I want them to feel like everyone is being unfair to a character. And times when I want folks to feel like the situation just sucks all round. Like, my intention in amongst the hurt/comfort isn't for things to feel easy or nice all the time, I am absolutely challenging the reader by introducing things that feel uncomfortable.

So when folks like yourself tell me this stuff it's like - yeah! It's a dystopia! And - yeah! Unfair things are definitely happening. This is especially true in the beginning when no one really has a concept of how bad things have been for Efnisien, or that he's an alpha. It remains true because no one is perfect. But it happens less often, that's what makes it feel more jarring as the story goes on. If you're rereading it's going to feel worse in the beginning, that's on purpose. The story is doing its job.

it seems like everyone is constantly acting as if he's supposed to know how to have a healthy relationship and to cope with his emotions

I don't really know what scenes you're specifically referring to here (like, just the first few chapters? The whole story? Temsen's single lecture?), but this is absolutely not the case. I'm going to look at the whole story:

The majority of the time that Efnisien is rude and disrespectful, especially once Efnisien and Gary are living together, Gary mostly ignores him, brushes it off, doesn't react or responds like it's normal dialogue lol. He's not constantly correcting his behaviour and he's not constantly like 'hey rephrase that to be polite' or 'I have feelings too' (maybe he should say the latter sometimes).

Gary is more aware than anyone that he shouldn't be Efnisien's guardian and that he's not a companion. He says this, out loud, to several people, several times. So we know that he knows that the situation isn't great / fair re: Efnisien's care (and frankly his own. Of the two of them, Gary's the one who keeps coming close to potentially dying from the other person's actions).

especially as a psychologist, gary still not doing anything to help him get better coping skills makes it feel like he's setting him up to fail

Gary is not Efnisien's psychologist. And psychologists are not doing their jobs on absolutely everyone, 24/7! This one is so important to remember (both in real life and sometimes in fiction). He's categorically not Efnisien's psychologist and it would be even more toxic if he attempted to be this if they were living together!

Gary being a psychologist is his job in the same way being an artist is a job, it's not specifically relevant to their relationship, except that Gary sometimes has better understanding of the root/s of some behaviours.

Ask any psychologist how they live at home and most of them do not want anything to do with their psychology jobs in their personal life, because they're mentally fatigued/tired from talking to people all day. They are not perfect people, they don't have perfect control over their emotions, they aren't teaching everyone the coping mechanisms they need to survive (this takes a lot of labour! It's exhausting! People can't do that 24 hours a day and stay sane. It gets toxic fast.)

The majority of the time Efnisien has extreme emotional responses, Gary just tends to absorb them, acknowledge them, or actively care for him. It's easy to miss these moments because I'm usually not making you feel conflicted about it.

The times Efnisien has extreme emotional responses and then chooses to repeatedly hurt Gary, there are often extreme emotional responses that follow because you know, that's what Efnisien was aiming for! He was trying to severely hurt someone!

Let's move onto Temsen and Efnisien, because this might be more of what you're thinking of, since Gary almost never holds Efnisien accountable tbh. Temsen is a doctor, and a peak alpha who is a leading educator in academic omega rights and theory. He is the first to deeply understand how young alphas left to get away with their smaller abusive behaviours are the kind of alphas who grow up into rapists, murderers and torturers like Christian in Underline the Blue.

(I just want to add, Christian's own abuse and PTSD is real, I don't think any of us are rushing to hold his hand and pat his head, because we sympathise with Nate more than Christian. But Christian has real pain, and real suffering too. He's a great example of how 'you're still accountable for your behaviour though' at its most extreme).

So, Temsen sees Efnisien's behaviour and he lectures and shuts him down like he would any young alpha who is on a really dangerous path. Even within that, he acknowledges himself - out loud - that it's a complicated situation and the time he comes down on Efnisien the hardest, he says the timing is poor. The majority of the time, he shows Efnisien compassion and care, and listens to his opinions, even when they disagree. He is the first to validate his gender both repeatedly in words, and in hormone and medical support. He's the first to change his approach to Efnisien's medical care when Efnisien calls out his lack of respecting his right to privacy, and he's the first to correct Gary about it when Gary expects Temsen to keep giving him information. He offers pragmatic, compassionate advice about many sensitive subjects in Efnisien's life, his health, his secondary gender, his nesting behaviours. And I would say this is how Temsen actually models better behaviour.

Temsen doesn't expect Efnisien to have all of these skills, but Efnisien has to be told what he's doing wrong and how that's not acceptable behaviour and how he's hurting people, to start learning those skills! Otherwise why would anyone bother? Vindictively hurting other people in moments of rage can feel satisfying for folks who aren't being held accountable.

You say no one is modelling better behaviour to Efnisien so I'm just going to pose some questions that are rhetorical:

How many alphas at HIllview are mounting or torturing Efnisien every day? Does Efnisien have choices in what he eats? Is Efnisien's opinion listened to more and more, especially in matters of his health? Do they care about his pain and offer him painkillers when he's suffering? Are the characters in the story trying to enrich his experiences and help him to become a more mature person by helping him overcome his fears of things like going outside? Are the characters deliberately trying to expand his support network by helping him see new people and lean on them for help, instead of keeping him in a box and forbidding him from seeing anyone? While also taking into account the safety of others?

Are the characters largely gender affirming once they learn more about Efnisien?

Are the characters actively teaching Efnisien social sciences to help him understand more about the world and human rights, which includes his own rights?

Do the characters acknowledge that Hillview isn't an ideal place for Efnisien, just a good place for now?

Do the characters want Efnisien to have a future where he's happier?

Do the characters allow Efnisien to have his emotional responses as long as they're not also abusive responses? For example, is Efnisien allowed to cry, nest, seek comfort, or even be angry, provided he's not being domestically violent? (The answer is yes).

Do the characters to the best of their ability explain things clearly and maintain their own boundaries around Efnisien to remind him that he can also maintain his own boundaries?

Are Efnisien's wishes largely respected where possible? (The answer here is also yes - such as refusing internal exams with Temsen, or having control over what he does most days and how he spends his time etc.)

Can Efnisien see lots of examples of people talking civilly to each other and often with great care, and not being abusive to each other? Can he see alternative forms of conflict resolution, management and repair?

Is Efnisien offered opportunities to repair rifts that he's created himself, after being cruel to someone?

This is just a start, but these people through these behaviours are already role-modelling a ton of better behaviours than anything Efnisien has been exposed to in the past. And we can see that Gary himself role models a lot of these things to Efnisien directly, including apologising frequently and quickly when he realises he's made mistakes. This is how Efnisien learned to apologise! And he literally has thoughts like 'Gary does this / so I guess I should do it too.' That's literally role modelling a behaviour :D

Gary's actually a pretty good role model, and the only reason Efnisien's behaviour starts to improve at Hillview as well as his quality of life is because Gary and Temsen are role modelling these behaviours.

Like, temsen is technically correct that ef domestically abused gary but he has literally never seen a non abusive partnership and is literally a prisoner in his current one

Efnisien isn't literally a prisoner in his current relationship!

I feel like when folks identify really strongly with a character, it's very easy to miss the times when Gary and Temsen for example brainstorm ways for Efnisien not to live with Gary. Aside from at the very beginning, these characters have actually talked about - in the story, in dialogue - options for Efnisien to not live with Gary.

Like they literally talk about making Efnisien a new room in the headquarters and possibly even building him his own building down the track so he doesn't have to be with Gary! As they trust Efnisien more, they offer many options to him. As the story goes on, they are absolutely not forcing Efnisien to stay with Gary, and nor is Gary. Efnisien himself communicates clearly that he would rather live with Gary than be on his own. This is something that gets checked in on, and more than one option is given to him.

Missing this is understandable, it's a long story, but it also means it's not true that Efnisien is a prisoner in that he's being forced to live with Gary. That's only true in the beginning when they literally think he's just a murderer/attempted murderer who's going to kill everyone at Hillview. As the story progresses, it shifts to 'well he's not a murderer, what are his other options?'

Can Efnisien live a free life wherever he wants? No. That's where the 'dystopian universe' tag comes in. He's not safe to, but Hillview staff wouldn't be concerned with educating him and teaching him independence if they didn't want him to live as independently as possible one day. It's not like Gary has to try to get Efnisien comfortable with going outside and experiencing the outside world, and it's not like he has to encourage Efnisien to meet omegas and betas etc. to hear different opinions, y'know?

But yeah the role modelling is happening: Efnisien's showing more and more tools in coping all the time! He's been growing them since the beginning of the fic. He's learned to communicate better. He's learned how to articulate what he wants and doesn't want more clearly. He's learned how to care more for others even if he often misses that he has the power to really hurt them. He's learned more (not less) confidence. He's having less (not more) trauma responses. He's learned how to trust in the people around him more, so he's starting to talk more about his experiences of gender. He's learned that what he went through was wrong, and is sharing more about the abuse he suffered.

These things would not be happening in a story where people weren't giving him the tools to cope with his life or weren't showing him ways to communicate differently.

The reason Efnisien talks more clearly and articulately now in the story, the reason he laughs more, cries more (which is more open/honest imho and healthier than repressing it), talks more, talks about his past more, expresses his opinion more is because Hillview has been equipping him with more tools to live a richer life pretty much as soon as they realised he's not going to just murder people at the drop of a hat.

In some ways they're showing more trust than our society would because like, attempted murder could land him in jail for a while in our society, y'know?

The reason they haven't paired him with an actual psychologist is that they don't have any peak alpha psychologists and Efnisien can use alpha persuasion on anyone else, and would certainly get angry enough in therapy to use it. We only need to look at how Efnisien responded to Dr Gary in Falling Falling Stars sometimes in therapy sessions to see that yes, this is a guy who - if he had the tool of alpha persuasion - would absolutely use it to get a therapist to shut the fuck up when he felt like it, lol.

But yeah, as always, if folks are feeling really uncomfortable when reading something I've written, it's often intentional. You're right, Efnisien's situation is unfair. A few of the specifics you've brought up aren't true, and have missed things in the story, but it's still not a fair experience, it's not always a pleasant experience, and it's...pretty dystopian!

When we get really deep into our emotional connection to a character, it can still help to remember that the situation often isn't exactly the same as it feels. But this story also has the tags: darkfic / disturbing themes / dystopian universe for a reason! The visceral discomfort is a feature, not a bug.

[thesealfriend]

Invisible Aids for Invisible Disabilities

How many mobility aids are in this photo?

Most abled people will say 1 - the walking stick/cane (am aware these mean different things in different branches of English but I can't remember the specifics).

Some more astute people, especially other disabled people, will note the glove too (especially if I could take a photo showing I only have one on my stick hand) - I can use the stick comfortably enough without it, but the extra grip and padding mean it's more comfortable to use for longer, even on days when my wrist or shoulder are acting up.

But the thing in the photo (and overall) that makes the most difference to my ability to exist and move and not be in pain isn't even something obviously injury/disability-related but hidden, like knee or ankle braces under my jumpsuit - it's the boots.

I bought these things for £45 off Vinted, a fraction of their value as military surplus goretex combat boots. They're not from a shop specialising in supportive footwear, or recommended by a doctor, they're just really good boots that give me more ankle support (and thus also help my knees and hips) than any other shoes I've ever worn.

Since I bought these boots, I've barely needed to use my stick, and definitely not enough for it to worsen my arm issues, which is fantastic. It's also one less thing to hold and carry (it's my mum's old NHS one which is the only one I've found that's tall enough and can be held comfortably, but unfortunately isn't collapsible) and for my ADHD ass to leave next to the checkout by accident (because I've stopped hurting in the time I've been able to stand still and stretch and thus have forgotten it exists).

It's also one less signifier to the outside world that I'm disabled. Because people that don't know me are much more likely to see me without the stick than with these days, and people who do are going to see how much less I'm using it and think I'm doing better, as opposed to feeling exactly the same but for different reasons.

My wonderful partner got me this excellent badge a few months ago and it's definitely helped when it comes to like, public transport - people will still not tend to notice it and Offer me a seat, but they'll at least see it and be polite if I either ask them for a seat or if I'm asked to move because I look young and healthy:

But it's about 2 inches across and while it's brightly coloured it's not quite the same instant and at-a-distance signifier of "hey I'm in pain/struggle with mobility" as my walking stick does, especially since I wrapped the latter in glittery UV-fluorescent caution tape (mostly for aesthetic reasons but also because I frequently take this thing clubbing/to gigs and I don't want it to be a tripping hazard). For a while, I was using the stick on everything but my best days, now I'm only using it on my worst (or when I'm expecting a flare) and the badge has actually become necessary to point out "hey I'm still sore" instead of just a nice additional note.

I don't actually know where I was going with this, it's just interesting to think about how by making things easier for myself on one axis, I'm shooting myself in the foot (heh) on another. And maybe useful to remind other disabled folk that whatever you use to make life easier, whether it's a product designed for accessibility (mobility aids, grips for tools, orthotics and braces etc) or just a really good pair of boots and a comfy glove, that is something that's necessary for you to live your best life and you should never feel bad for requiring access to it. 💜

[ihopesocomic]

Sorry about the weird asks you've been getting. I just wanted to say I deeply appreciate the empathy and nuance this comic has for abuse survivors of all kinds, including those who perpetuate abuse like Vicious. It's unfortunately something you don't see often. I think you guys are doing a pretty good job

Thank you so much, anon. If I may, I wanna take this opportunity to talk more about the roles of Adamant and Quiet and the whole deal of siblings sharing an abusive situation. This is just me having general thoughts and not at all directed at you or anybody. I just wanna expand because it is a toughie to write about.

Adamant and Quiet were just never written to be complacent in the abuse of their parents and Quiet literally died because of their father viewing them as possessions vs. individuals so yeah, I don't really appreciate their victimhood being erased because they're kid sisters being kid sisters.

Not to mention children grow up and regret their actions and obviously aren't the same people they once were. It's even harder when it's an abusive home life because children aren't aware they're being pitted against each other by their abusive parents so there's no... well, 'uprising' on the part of their victims. Divide and conquer and all that.

Obviously, nobody is obligated to keep their siblings around if there's too much negative feelings there but 1) that's just not the situation with Hope and Adamant and 2) it is also possible to recognise that your siblings - as long as they've exhibited a change in attitude - can feel remorse and work through their own issues too. You're not at all obligated to help or support them as a victim but there are nuances in these kind of situations that need to be recognised.

Otherwise, we're just holding children accountable for... the actions of the authority figures in their lives who abused their power and created the situation in the first place.

My own siblings were particularly unkind and ableist towards me growing up. The distinction is that they weren't abused and my relationship with them continued to be very rocky even once they hit their 20s. And it's safe to say they will never see anything wrong with the way they treated me.

In which case, yeah, screw these fully grown adults who should really know better. But I'm personally not about holding children accountable and erasing their victim status over adults constructing some psychological battle royale situation that they must either adapt to or perish. Folks can disagree with me, obviously, but that's just my view. - RJ

[sandyca5tle]

Slime HRT - 14 Months

Slime time again my good folks (I really ought to start making more slime puns)! I’m here again with the 14 month update and things have continued to get gooier

Firstly: No more bones!! In my arms and legs at least, and gods that’s been wonderful just being able to freely move my limbs around however I want. Obviously beforehand, while my bones were still there, I could move my limbs a bunch already (see the previous entry with puddle legs), but it just feels so much better and free-er now that they’re gone - it’s hard to explain properly. If I had to, I’d guess it’s not feeling my bones move around whenever I do stuff, so it makes it nicer to move. Also helps I don’t have to worry about losing my bones too now, so I am more willing/able to try out weirder shapes and motions.

Adding to this; it’s kinda strange, my arms no longer really feel ‘segmented’ like they did before. Humans (it really doesn’t make sense to include myself in that anymore, if it ever did) have a very defined forearm and upper arm, but slimes, well, we (hehe, it’s nice to include myself in ‘slimes’) just kinda have limbs. My arm is just my arm, and honestly, it’s barely that distinct, arms and legs just kinda feel like the same thing, just in a different shape, and it’s really only the intellectual distinction that one is arms and one is legs. Even fingers are just kind of like, extra, tiny, limbs, which has been a kinda weird realisation to have and experience. Also: Elbows are a suggestion, and knees, given that my limbs are just kinda long pseudopods when it comes down to it, so they bend everywhere, not just at a designated point. It’s kinda funky being able to manipulate my slime like I can now ‘cause, on one hand, it just kinda feels like moving a muscle, but that muscle is connected to every other muscle in that area, and basically the whole limb is muscle.

Anyways, with all my new mobility, I’ve been practising my shaping, and I’ve actually gotten pretty good at it. I’ve been able to make things like spades, hammers and such on the ends of my arms, and I’ve been experimenting with different kinds of feet/legs as well, like mermaid tails and talons. I have tried making arm-blades and stuff too, but it turns out it’s actually quite hard to make sharp edges - so far I’ve only gotten about as sharp as a butter knife, and that took a lot of concentration. Turns out ‘sharp’ isn’t exactly a slime speciality

As for the rest of my body: the skin on my torso has all turned to slime now, due to the two-fronted assault from both my legs and arms it turned quicker than the limbs had individually. It’s still very weird see musculature through my goo, and I know it weirds other people out even more so, so I try to keep my torso as covered as possible, which absolutely sucks when it’s hot, although I have forgone covering for the sake of staying upright when it’s gotten really hot, even if I do now run a bit cooler than I used to.

On the note of the new/extra slime, I’ve actually tried to do some shaping using that, trying to give myself a tail. While I did have some extra slime thanks to most of my fat having been converted to goo, it wasn’t really enough to make anything more than a large bunny-esque tail - which was cute, but I’m looking for something a little longer and more prehensile. I guess I’ll have to wait for more things to dissolve to give me the substance to make myself a tail like I want..

It’s also worth adding that if a slime shifts something for long enough, it ends up sticking, kinda like muscle memory, but for shape. To that end, I’ve actually been practising keeping the claws and talons that I’ve learnt how to make, since I’ve found that they feel nice, even if they’re not quite perfect. My only issue, with the talons specifically, is that they make me taller, something which I really don’t need, but I’m hoping once I can shape my whole body I can adjust such things.

One last thing I’ve been able to do now, is that I can now move slime freely between all of my body - so I can easily reach things if I need to, just by taking the mass from somewhere else and giving it to one of my arms to make it longer. This too has contributed to this newer mindset of ‘I’m just one blob of slime, with shapes coming out of it that I have assigned functions’, a leg isn’t a leg when it’s a super long arm, so distinct anatomy is kind of shrinking away, even if 20 odd years of humanity says ‘an arm is an arm, and a leg is a leg’. This is only further worsened by the fact that I can also just make legs arms and arms legs, so yeah, ‘legs’ and ‘arms’ are really becoming just descriptors of limb functions for me.

That’s all to really report this time, nothing super new or surprising, just adjusting as I become more and more slime now! See you in the next update! Ps. thanks to the person (@bdigfreakingwooper) who suggested using a lint screen to help with the random crap that gets stuck in my slime, running that through my limbs has been really nice and does keep me very clean! Although occationally some of my slime does get stuck since it's not quite the same as water, but it's so minor it's fine.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Been loving the various comments 'nd stuff that people have written, and I'm glad that people seem to be enjoying this! If you want more slime HRT stuff @scrubbinn has just started their own that's neat, so you should check theirs out too over here.

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