#now with the even more bleached hair
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More Blonde!Jere practice :3
#now with the even more bleached hair#liked that it is evenly toned now#I mean it had its charm with the different oranges and browns#yet completely platin I can work with ^V^#jere pöyhönen#käärijä#mine#my own art
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🐇💭
#i've decided that after i've recovered from surgery i want a glow up!!!#i want to make an effort to try to feel better nd not be so miserable all the time. it's so draining nd soul sucking :<#nd some things i wanna do is start better habits such as journaling nd reading a chapter every morning#meditate/do mindfulness every evening. do a full body stretch routine once a day. go to the gym 3-5 times a week.#ofc daily walks in nature (i've missed that sm). spending time w my cat nd dog. getting better at studying a little bit every day#i might even bleach my hair nd dye it... i just wanna dye it one last time then im done T-T#smth im unsure of is my diet. i have no idea what i can eat nd atm im so hungry but im scared of eating. so i'll have to figure that out#nd then try to meet up w my old high school friend every now nd again#try to keep asking for help from the personality disorder psychiatric clinic... or try to get online therapy maybe???#i just wanna feel better nd *do* smth so these r some of the thinngs i wanna try to do to feel better :3#hopefully i'll feel better soon nd recover as swiftly as possible so i can start wanting to do these things#oh and also!! wanna try to revive my interests. such as writing more nd taking photos nd such
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i bought 30€ worth of yarn when i was asked to make two pairs of socks im
#i'll show you when i get home you'll understand why this was a necessary expense#i also found a really cute mug and bought the bleach so fun hair colors are coming!#i overspent on this trip but lmao who cares#at least i didnt buy the lego even tho i was so tempted in like three different stores--#now i can get home and have coffee yayyyy#night is an absolute mess on main#i actually only spent like 10€ more than i thought and all that went to yarn LMAO#so im good. and i got so much cute shit. everyone say thank you to secondhand stops lmao
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I love seeing Taylor’s cute ramen curls and I’m very curious about what her routine and go to products are bc they look so healthy and defined even in crazy conditions
#I’m really curious about what products she uses bc they look so much healthier and the curls are more bouncy when wet#maybe it was just growing out the hair she bleached#she said during fearless and speak now she uses no products or even masks - just hydrating shampoo#Somone said she uses a curly hair crush#I think she’s prob using keratin now based on how healthy it looks#even when her hair gets wet now the curls are very healthy#anyway just curious cause I’ve got curls#I’m just now learning how to take care of mine
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It's funny to be an adult who didn't realize they were queer until they were grown. Turns out those "crushes" on the cool boys weren't crushes. It was gender envy, but I didn't have the vocabulary to convey that
#lgbtq#nonbinary#i have such a distinct memory of a boy in middle school#i remember nothing about him but his look#he was one of those cool tall lanky emo kids who wore what he wanted had painted nails and dyed hair#even had the classic emo hair cut#he was also a sweet kid#if my friends hadnt made my “crush” weird i think i could have been friends with him#we talked every now and then but then when i went on to high school i never saw him again#i think his name was chris#i remembered him a few weeks ago and i realized it was never about having feelings toward him#it was how cool his vibes were and wanting to be more like him#not in a following a trend sort of way but a#'i finally have a visual representation of how i feel on the inside'#but at the time i was an awkward little girl with crooked teeth and badly bleached hair with stupid pink streaks my parents put in it#wondering why i didnt feel at home in my body#high school came around and i found a friend who was into emo bands and metal who had tattos and long hair#he was the nicest coolest person i knew and we were friends all 4 years and i finally felt seen#i didnt have a 'crush' on him but he was the cool dude friend i could always talk to and i took so much inspiration from him#he was even a huge artistic inspiration for me
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Anyone who’s out of high school or in college, do teenage boys eventually get nicer? They make me not want to go to school.
#sorry to the good teenage boys out there#but I hate these guys so much#why am I being harassed just because they don’t find me attractive#why do they come up to me and say random shit just because I’m quiet#I remember in sixth grade a boy called me a gorilla because of my hairy arms#and it’s been years and I still haven’t recovered I bleach my arm hairs because of that#it got better when I grew into my body a bit more but still#they call girls females and speak lowly of them#this one guy said he would never be afraid of a female even though he’s under 4’9 and everyone is taller than him#ik height is not relevant but why is his ego taller than him#they’ve called me out on my checks flushing (it’s rosacea)#and the amount of times I’ve heard them rate a girls body behind their backs is gross#and now that I’m not ‘ugly’ they respect me which still sucks bc why is that the reason they don’t treat me like shit#and the girls who are like them and condone the behavior are just as bad bc why are you against yourself do we not have enough difficulties#anyways#had to ask this#because the school year is starting and that means I have to see them again#after a nice summer of recovering from then#rant?#idk#when do they outgrow the middle school phase because it doesn’t look like it’s happening anytime soon#teenage boy#girlhood#?#or is that just me#pjo#kotlc#high school#idk what to tag this as#school core
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It took me, ugh, MONTHS (2), to get to cleaning the two shrimp tanks I have... I had IRL issues going on that would have made it extremely difficult to do a water change especially while injured, and I just had to keep putting it off. It's just shrimp, so it wasn't like, the worst situation, especially since I have established plants and the tanks are a couple years old. There was just a lot of algae build-up on the glass, and, well... Let me just say it was not contributing to my mental health and well-being while the tanks were in that state.
I tested the water before I started cleaning and the parameters were fine (like, I could have left the tanks even longer if I would be okay with selling my soul to the Algae Collective), and the plants and shrimp look fine, too (I mean, I've obviously been keeping an eye on the tanks bc I sit right next to them). Actually, I'd wager to say that the plants are looking really great (the lilies haven't died off [yet? This is the longest period of time I've seen them stay... foliage... fol... foliated? Idk.] and the cryptocoryne in the 10gal is fucking huge and needs to be rearranged, just not right now). That fucking algae was a motherfucker to get off the 10gal (it's a plastic tank and I think that makes the algae grip harder than the glass 5gal).
[Also, fyi, depending on the tank's needs and stability, recommended water changes are a small one every week or every other week. My parameters don't seem to do anything dramatic, so I usually aim for a 20-30% water change every third week (just depends on how much vacuuming needs to be done and how cooperative the shrimp are with moving aside). So 2 months is still a lot. I still did the normal 30% ish amount, since doing more will risk the shrimp's well-being if there's a sudden change in everything, and my water parameters indicated a change was unnecessary - but I don't test for more than the minimum freshwater tests, so there could be a buildup of some mineral I'm not testing for, which is why the change IS actually necessary regardless of what my test kit says - because these tanks were evaporating a lot in summer, it condenses the minerals added with each water addition, even tho I usually top up with R.O. water.]
My back is fucking killing me lol. It has been killing me since spring when it 'went out' for the first time, and I'm not getting any relief, it sucks. But this had to be done.
The 5gal is looking pretty cloudy still, since the filter was super gunked up and I accidentally spilled gunk back in, so I may need to retest the 5gal parameters tomorrow just to make sure I don't have to do another water change, but it'll probably be fine, right? Shrimp love mulm and detritus. I did give both tanks a big ole algae tab for their trouble, tho. (I need a fuckening dish for the big tank. I really wanna clean off that white quartz rock again, but being white means it's an algae magnet, and it's just gonna go green again after a month or two.)
Anyway, shrimp tax:
I lov thees widdle oange bebies.
Wish I could take better pictures rn, but I am. Like. Dying. My recommendation: never live in an A-frame style room if you have the option. The wall above my tanks is slanted, and NOT fun for my back to bend underneath the wall for maintenance. (My only flat wall in the room is for my TV/PC.) Also, treat your back nicely, in general. I unfortunately have not had the option to treat my back nicely since spring (fall now), because 'when it rains it pours,' and heavy shit that needs to be moved will not move itself. Once I get a few more things in my room in order, I will hopefully be done with the IRL chaos, bc I have Halloween socks to knit, and I'm not putting that off for another year. (I'm still mad that I couldn't make the ones I planned last year. And I found more Halloween yarn I forgot I bought, so I'm gonna try to make multiple socks.) And I just really need to fucking chill and knit and stop having panic attacks and meltdowns.
#me earlier today: oh i should bleach my hair since i havent been able to shower for 2 days it wont damage it as much#me now: i dont know if i can even stand long enough to shower after this#anyway im gonna try to eat something and then shower and pass tf out.#maybe i shouldve taken a before picture to show how much i did...#...but i do Not want to remember 'that one time i didnt do a water change for 2 months' the algae was gross lol i couldnt even get it all#but honestly idc ab the back wall having algae as long as the front and most of the sides are clear#seriously the algae was textured like sandpaper tho. does algae do pearling? if it does then its calcium buildup too#edit while typing bc i looked it up. yes algae pearls. so the bubbles it was making were drying enough to cause calcium deposits#oH also lmao i found the tiniest pinch of hornwort left in the 10gal. idk why the hornwort doesnt like that tank but its hilarious that...#...that one little fingernail sized piece is still alive floating in there. i stuck it next to the lily but the shrimp will prob dislodge it#the hornwort in the 5gal is just freefloating i cant get that shit to stick#the shrimp love that stuff and they look like little birds in a pine tree#im in so much pain im procrastinating food lmao 'order pizza' crossed my mind but my jaw wont let me eat pizza so fml#anyway. just wanted to show an accomplishment even if its not a praise worthy one since i didnt go the extra 10 miles to water change sooner#awwww tho i love seeing them glide around the tank and now i can see them clearly its so chill#shrimp#aquariums#crustaceans#bugs#Cori.exe#Post.exe#Image.exe#also my therapist started cracking up this morning when i said like 'i can finally rest now tht i dont have a Saw trap bathroom to navigate'#seriously tho it was bad and then another issue in the bathroom came up 2 days ago but theyre both fixed now. my br is normal now.#im not normal tho (normal for myself i mean) and unfortunately thats not gonna be an easy fix but im trying#man can i ever make a post where i dont type a million words lmao. inability to focus and then i start typing more stuff#oh ab the hair bleach man my roots are so dark i just trimmed off the last of the bleach from last time so i got 2tone hair rn#idk when ill get to that. dependsnon my back. i already wasnt in a great state of being when i did the aquariums but i needed to clean them#ok i rly need to try n make food and shower before i start growing algae on myself
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Daily Log 3
Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.
Activities: Not too much, stomach kind of upset today and my chest muscle aches/shoulders/etc. are still too irritated for like typing a lot or anything.. grr... At least it was less hot than yesterday, still not feeling great symptoms wise though.
Worked on painting the tapestry thing and getting more of the basic design down. Still don't have the Avirrekava text fully translated.
Recorded another sims episode for the let's play series on my games/side youtube channel because I just realized that I definitely won't be able to in the summer since it gets so hot in my apartment that my computer runs hotter too and I can't even play games lol, so I should get a few recordings out of the way as a backlog before it gets warm. I'm always so caught in the bliss of winter (favorite season, best season, ultimate season) that summer kind of sneaks up on me and I have a moment of realization like "OH gOds I only have like one month to get a bunch of things done that are way harder for me to do in the heat!!'' , and then scramble lol..
Wrote down a script for calling a few doctors.
Thought more about the religions and other cultural systems that exist in certain elven cities in the south, where the story I mentioned in the first Daily Log takes place. Drew the basic sketch of an outfit for one of their primary religious figures (kind of like priest robes?).
Put together a load of clothes but didn't actually wash them because by that point I didn't feel good, but at least I have them out for tomorrow lol.. hashtag ultimate productivity win
Notable sights: Found 19 four leaf clovers and 1 six leaf clover that's actually kind of a double clover? Like there's a clear spot on the stem where it's two 3 leaf clovers not entirely all the way merged. Saw 4 cats in windows, one cat actually outside roaming, and a rabbit in a tennis field. There was also a pile of rocks outside that was very nice, resisted the urge to pick one up and take it home for my rock collection. Watching a show about tudor monastery farms and there was a sheep on there that looked round and funny.
Goals moving forward: Same as yesterday basically lol.. especially post the poll adventure thing that has been sitting in a draft for weeks (I thought I would get it done today, but alas.. I don't even have to do much, just proofread and post it, I just keep having no energy/being preoccupied with other things/hurts to be on computer.. grrr.. I want to continue the story >:T.. for the second day in a row, nothing has changed lol..).
Notable foods: Not much of interest, but had salmon, my favorite fish. Also had a chia seed fruit snack sort of thing which was in a squeezy pouch, and I love anything in that sort of packaging so, very fun.
Really craving spicy udon, chicken wings for some reason (which I don't even like that much), and something like lasagna?? I'm probably vitamin deficient again from my weird diet and it's making me yearn for hearty savory foods.. evil... chronic anemia cravings lol..
#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public#declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now..#It's clover finding season apparently#so many good patches of clovers with lots of mutuation in them. Most of the 19 I found today were right next to each other spread among jus#t a few groupings of clovers. I think it runs genetically or something - so if you find one you're much more likely to find another#somewhere closeby. Or at least this is what I have found as someone who has like 150+ special clovers collected#I also really need to bleach my hair again before the summer but that's such a process...#I'll probably have to bleach it two more times to even get it light enough to dye it so. It's just like.. I wish I could have it done#all at once. I think anything that has to be done over multiple days makes me able to put it off more in my mind.#Actually just so so so so many things to do and it always feels like no time to do them..... AUghhhhhGG *collapses to my knees#in the rain like a dramatic character in a movie. wisps of rain soaked hair cloaking my face as my fancy velvet cape billows#in the stormwinds behind me. after a few moments you realize I'm also eating a little square of cheese whilst I sob#but am trying to hide it behind the hair that is flopped in my face and fumbling bc my evil vampire claws are too long*#ANYWAY#daily log
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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green#and later this year i think i might change my name#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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Y'all don't need to know that but I found a very hot fic
#a little fascinated i want more authors to write that trope#god i wish real life were even half as hot as fanfic honestly#like i find all of the stuff i read about hot#there's genuinely. well a certain amount of stuff that turns me off (off off not just eh) but not that much honestly#not the conventional slightly kinky stuff. the stuff that makes me feel genuinely bad after reading it is like.#intense dehumanisation ? actual noncon where someone's not enjoying themselves on any level?#people being abused?#that's a pretty short list of shit i won't read#i'm nit kidding btw i can get through a scat fic with just a 'that was kinda nasty'#but intense dehumanisation will make me want to drink bleach#anyway. so fiction is full of stuff that's hot and fun and cool#but as soon as you start talking about real life? i'm outta here#i mean no i'm a curious person so yeah but when i think about sex actually happening and me being involved in it....#suddenly it's real and it's less fun#a little jealous of characters who get to have extravagant intense reactions to pretty much whatever the author wants#i sure as fuck am not built like someone who gets weak in the knees when their partner pulls their hair or whatever#anyway. once again y'all don't need to know about that. good night.#wow i have a ramble tag now
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I'm not really sure why i thought that getting my hair professionally bleached and dyed for the first time at a new salon would be a gamechanger... all i have is some chemical burns and the wrong shade
#the stylist put blue in the green dye to 'balance' the color and now it's all streaky with blue#and i just kind of wanted to get out of there by the end because i was tired of everything happening#and now my hair is wrong shade and i'm feeling very sour about it#i am *allowed* to go back and make them fix it but i just feel like the stylist barely knew more than me about brightly colored hair#completely misjudged if my hair was able to lighten enough despite the fact i came in with everything bleached except extra-long roots#just casually got dye all over the side of my face without cleaning it off before it started to stain my skin#like i should have just gotten a professional haircut then done the coloring myself#the weather even just changed so it wouldn't have been impossible to bleach it on the balcony#if it's still too blue in a few weeks maybe i'll try to fuck with some toner for the first time#it would be fine if i wanted mermaid hair but i wanted chromakey hair!!!!! i wanted acid green!!! then i got talked into going darker#and now it's soooo obviously blue and blue does NOT want to wash out gracefully.
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Ive been stuck in a flareup for nearly a month that finally ended last weekend and now just realising all the things ive been putting off that ive somehow gotta catch up on
#my undercut has grownback so much as was meant to cut just before we went to see barbie#and now im overheating more and heads starts to get heavier as my hairs stupidly thick#im not joking i get often told my hairs so thick looking when down and get super confused looks when i reveal a third of it isnt even there#took 2 people like half a day to bleach and dye my shoulder length hair once askfkelslf
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been thinking a lot abt hyungseok and …watersports…
#☆ ; dear diary ?#is this too much#idk#i just need him sb#need to give him full control tbh#lmao i am down horrendous for this mf ew#also off topic but#im gonna dye my hair blonde again today im so scared but also so excited#what if i finally go bald#i bleached it yesterday already#n fyi ive been dying my hair all kinds of colors for like 4 years now#nonstop#box dye directions bleach even more box dye#stuff like that#so my hair is FRIEDDDD#but i wanted to look cute for my bday so we are going back to blonde aaayyyy
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saw a tweet basically outright saying taylor has become so sexy because of having a great boyfriend and there's just so much wrong with that sentiment i don't even know where to begin
like?? she was sexy before that man came into the picture? stop making everything she does about the men in her life? saying that is just a less annoying version of being grateful to joe's existence for giving us great songs like! she would write great songs and look hot regardless of these dudes!
if anything i would think she looks so good recently - which is not to say she didn't in the past - because in the last few years she's reached her 30s, she's thriving in her career, she's taking care of herself physically and mentally, particularly in distancing herself somewhat from the parasocial relationship she has with fans (it's still there to an extent, of course, but much less than what it was) like this is not new from the past year but more the last few years like omg you're gonna tell me she wasn't serving looks while she was with joe?? (literally forgetting the overused "can joe alwyn fight" meme) you are acting like she never wore a sexy outfit before last night have you seen her on stage? at awards shows? come the fuck on
also taylor tends to change up her looks with each era so arguably midnights and ttpd have both had sexier vibes but also mayhaps all the apparent confidence is bc she's just growing into herself as an individual and it has nothing to do with her boyfriend?? god forbid taylor be her own person outside of that like she could be hot before the last couple eras and certainly before the current man i'm so sick of people talking about her like this skjdfkjs
#i was rogersstevie#taylor swift#just like.......such a gross sentiment like even her physical appearance is now due to a man??#also like. not gonna say it in the main post bc i think a lot of things are stunts#but there has also along with changing with the era been changing with the bfs#all the vintage dresses when she was cosplaying as a kennedy#the bleached hair more ~edgy~ looks while she was with calvin#etc etc#i wouldn't necessarily say it's happened every time especially considering some have been so close together#like she didn't suddenly change it up when there was the jump from conor to harry#but yeah like...it does match up sometimes so i have to say i think sometimes the wardrobe changes are v intentional
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I need bangssss
#also I kind of want to try to go blonde#either that or go back to black#but man I want bangs so badddd like I need them I’ve let my hair grow long now so they grew out#it always looks like shit but that’s not the point rn#I also wanna get more ear piercings since they look so bare rn#man ugh but I know if I try to beg my mom to give me bangs she’ll say no lol#I’ve literally never been to a actual like real hairdresser tho#hmmm but maybe if I went I could get it bleached too? idfk bout that tho cuz expensive plus my mom has tried to go blonde a few times n it#always comes out a little orange like even going to professionals lol she got them red undertones#m talks#sound off in the comments where my true bangheads at I’m stuck with all the norms and they’re haters
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Can't quite decide whether it's bad or good timing that young royals promo will be around the time of me deciding on a haircut. (If anything can convince me to try a new short hairstyle it will be edvin ryding)
#I don't need my hair to be the same as his anymore (as i did want that some months ago) but.#Idk it's some kind of energy i can't pinpoint exactly it just isss#Like he has me considering if a bleached buzzcut would look good on me (i will not actually be doing that. But he made me Think)#But i might try something a little more adventurous again (i had the same long hair for Years and then got a bob last year)#(And even though i actually wanted it shorter i have cut it once since - my hair is well past the shoulders now.)#What i do know is that that bob is not happening again.#Rambling here :)#Time will tell i guess
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