#now im worried im being a bad friend
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don't you want to be a cult leader? - danyal al ghul au
this is mostly a joke post but i thought it was funny and had to share so--
his first mistake was, obviously, inheriting his father's inability to see an injustice and stand still. -- actually, danyal's first mistake was his lair being so big. a mountainous island with a large temple in the center resembling his old home in Nanda Parbat? With sprawling foliage and rivers and streams and waterfalls galore? What was he going to do with all that space? Let it go to waste? He had plants there! Native trees of the ghost zone growing from the soil! He couldn't let it all be left unchecked!
So naturally after helping a fellow teenage assassin ghost -- who he later learns is named Akihiko, -- from Walker of all people, he sent them over to hang low at his lair until it was safe enough for them to wander around the Zone. Walker couldn't get through Danyal's astrofield if his life depended on it, and trust him -- he's tried. Danny was clearing out debris from his stupid transport vans for weeks.
Honestly it wasn't so bad, he and Aki really quickly became fast friends and Danny loves having a sparring partner close to his level again -- he hasn't had this much fun fighting since he left the League. Aki was very dedicated and levelheaded, the both of them clicked really well because of it.
Nonono, the real trouble began after Danyal met some long-passed League members and allowed them to come join his island as well. Apparently they had made a few enemies of the zone, and maybe Danyal still felt some loyalty to the League. He couldn't just let them be left to rot. Their zealotry could be overlooked so long as they kept it contained and helped him take care of his island.
And it.. snowballs from there? He meets a teen squire aptly calling himself Ambroise -- whether that was his living name or not is yet to be seen -- who died during feudal france, who is just about as dramatic and passionate as every french stereotype makes them out to be. He calls Danyal "my moon and great muse" -- which is both flattering and little uncomfortable, but Danyal's grown up in the League as the Grandson of the Demon Head, he is used to mild worship. he passes it off as nothing more, nothing less. -- and while his energy is overwhelming on the worst of days, he helps Danny draw out of his shell more in ways that Sam and Tucker still struggle with.
Him and Aki butt heads a lot, but the two seem to hold the other in at least some positive regard, so Danny doesn't worry too much about them fighting while he's gone. It only becomes a mild issue when Aki also begins calling Danny "my moon". It's a little sweet, so Danyal brushes it off.
Then he takes in a troupe of ghosts some time after he defeats Pariah Dark and they begin calling him "great one" just as the yetis do in the far frozen. This is where he meets the twins -- a pair of sibling ghosts who call themselves Trixie and Missy (short for Trick and Mislead) -- who aren't quite as passionate as Ambroise but more energetic than Aki. Eventually they also start calling Danyal "my moon" and attach themselves to his hip, even within the living. They like to hide in his shadow and cause trouble for the rest of the students. He makes sure they don't hurt anyone.
He's pretty sure Aki is jealous, same with Ambroise, but he can't be too certain other than the fact that they become much more lingering (re: clingy) whenever he visits the island.. Something he's trying to do much more often these days due to the increasing amount of people living there now. Since when did he become so popular?
Then there's Pēnelópeia from the Greater Athens, who ran away from home and joined his Island after he ran into her while she was being chased by Skulker -- and he's pretty sure the reason was because of her chimeric appearance. Her strange eyes and mismatched wings and lion's tail and talons. She assimilates into his friend group very easily, she gets along well with Ambroise and Trixie and Danny usually finds the three of them climbing the trees to pluck the most fruit from the top. They can fly and he knows it, but they prefer to climb.
Then finally there's silent poet Akkara who comes from ancient mesopotamia, who gets along most with Aki -- which is no surprise there considering their similar personality dispositions. he watches Aki and Danyal fight each other and leaves comments on this or that that he notices. He writes Danyal poems on clay tablets and leaves them by his room.
They're one big mismatched group of outcasts, and Danny's got the other ghosts on his island to tend to, because they're living on his island and he wants to be hospitable even if he struggles with that. But he spends the most of his time with them.
Sam and Tucker are making fun of him. Tucker jokingly tells him 'careful Danny, at this rate you're gonna start a cult'. Danny really wishes he had taken that joke more seriously.
He just. keeps. collecting people. Wayward souls lost in the zone, looking for shelter or refuge from something or other -- whether that be another hostile ghost, or a past afterlife, or just a purpose. Danyal finds them, he takes them in, offers them a place on his island until they are ready to leave. Many seldom do. He's not complaining -- he has the space, and it feels like it's only ever growing.
His close friends, his "inner circle" as he's heard the others call them, keep insistently calling him "my moon". He starts calling them his stars, because then it only feels fair. They're his stars, this is his constellation. It becomes a thing; little star halos begin forming behind their heads, picking them out from the rest. He loves them so much, it's hard to place. Sam and Tucker are also his stars, but they reside in the living realm, they're his tie to Life. Meanwhile, his friends here know what it's like to be dead, and sometimes its nice to relate.
Those living on his island keep calling him "Great One" and he's beginning to notice zealotry in their care for his island. He really, deeply appreciates it. His close friends gain nicknames -- as his stars, it's only natural for him to pick them out from the cluster in the skies. Akihiko, his Sirius and bright star. Trix and Missy, Castor and Pollux, the twins and troublemakers. Ambroise, his zealous Antares and close friend. Penelopeia, chimeric and loyal Vega. And Akkara, his Arcturus and strength.
It's ridiculous how long it takes for him to notice; he is, of course, a deadly trained assassin. He is meant to be observant -- and normally he is! But somehow this becomes a blind spot. One that becomes too big to be dealt with by the time he realizes it.
He should've noticed when Aki, his Sirius, stood beside him one day while Danyal looked over his island and saw the sprawling spirits carrying on about their afterlife and bowing to him as they saw him, and said: "I looked down into the depths when I met you; I couldn't measure it." They aren't one for flowing prose, it took him so off guard he was silent for over a minute before he finally spoke.
Danyal should've recognized devotion for what it is, and yet he didn't. He should've recognized it when Antares began spouting praises about him, crowing about his radiance and resplendence to the heavens. He just brushed it off as Ambroise being Ambroise. He should've recognized it when Trix and Missy nearly broke Dash's leg after he knocked Danyal's books out of his hands, he excused it as them being protective. Of them coming from times where such violence may have been customary -- after all, that's what he used to be like. What he was still like, sometimes, when his emotions nearly got the better of him.
He should've noticed it when the people living on his island followed his word like gospel, looked at him like he hung the stars in the sky. When his friends gifted him a shawl with the moon phases delicately embroidered into it, with silver, shimmering thread and moving stars lovingly stitched into it. Their constellations seen clear as day in the dark fabric. When he found small shrines dedicated to him -- but they lacked any image of him beyond stones carved to look like moons, so he ignored it. When the religious imagery began popping up.
He really, really should've noticed it when a bunch of cultists accidentally summoned Antares, and Antares had turned to him when he arrived and called them heretics. But he was so centered on the fact that they had kidnapped one of his stars, that he hadn't paid much attention to what Ambroise had said.
Sages say that faith is blind, they should also say faith in you is even blinder.
It really only hits him one afternoon while he's sitting in Sam's room studying with Tucker, Missy and Trixie lounging at his feet, Aki sat on his right, Penelopeia braiding his hair, Ambroise draped against him, and Akkara lurking over him. Its one of the rare few times they're all in one room together.
It hits him like a bolt of lightning. He looks up from his textbook. "Oh Ancients," he says in no amounting shock. Everyone looks up to him.
"I've become my grandfather."
#dpxdc#danny fenton is not the ghost king#dpxdc crossover#dp x dc#dp x dc crossover#danyal al ghul au#dpxdc au#dp x dc au#dpxdc prompt#ive been playing cult of the lamb recently and you can tell#anyways i thought this was funny to think about. its specifically danyal al ghul bc that makes it even funnier#tfw you accidentally become a cult leader. rip to you danny you have a cult following#not at ALL an accurate depiction of a cult but i still think its funny. innaccurate cult depictions. ur in too deep to change it now danno#sam and tucker: hey dude... this is a cult | danny still learning how to People: what. no. these are all my friends and refugees.#his inner circle are all Insane about him they just show it in different ways. Sirius is as equally zealous as the rest they just don't#show it as much. which has mistakenly convinced danyal that they are the more logical one. no danny. they would kill for you#danny: i am being hospitable | sam: you created a cult | danny: i am being hosPITABLE#i dont like ghost king aus but i love danny being in positions of power it just has to feel earned. 'accidental kingdom acquisition' is my#favorite trope it just has to be done correctly. 🫵 build that bitch up with your bare hands and not realize until its too late you fool#'becoming a world power by accident and im in too deep to back out now'#danyal. a raised assassin (has no threshold for normal behavior): *sees utter devotion towards him* yeah this is fine and normal.#danyal: yk i dont see this ending horribly. *goes and collects more followers* yeah this is totally cool. welcome to the constellation#danyal: *saves a few people and houses them in his lair* (everyone liked that [to a worrying degree actually])#his inner circle: my moon! | danny: my stars :]#danny: ive become my grandfather. | danny: ... | danny: idk how to feel about that honestly.#those poor cultists that kidnapped antares were subjected to a 3hr tangent about 'the radiance of the Moon and his resplendent generosity'#before danyal found him and got him home. who were the cultists summoning? who knows! but they got Objectively the Worst out of the#constellation to summon by accident. actually they're all bad there's no picking who. they're all various amounts of Unhinged Danny just#Never Realizes It because he is also Unhinged and thinks some of this shit is normal.#like yeah thats totally normal behavior he has no questions whatsoever. this seems like Typical People Stuff.
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the thing is i think that a lot of sonadow shippers severely over exaggerate how much sonic and shadow like eachother in canon but i also think a lot of sonadow haters severely over exaggerate how much sonic and shadow dislike eachother in canon. many such cases
#Like idk i just dont think theyre anywhere near as close and friendly with eachother or that they mean as much to eachother#as some people seem to think . i mean i think their relationship Could potentially go in a closer more positive direction#under certain circumstances . but im strictly talking about canon right now#and people talk like theyre practically dating already when they just arent im sorry#thats not to say they never have their kinda gay moments at all i justcant really see what people are talking about a lot of the time#Anyways.#on the other side of the coin people are like ''sonic and shadow hate eachother!!!'' and . no i dont think they do#they respect eachother and theyve shown on several occasions that theyre perfectly able to work together if the situation calls for it#in shadow 05 sonic was even EXCITED to team up with shadow#there have been instances of them being visibly worried when something bad happens to the other#they really dont hate eachother. they just clash a lot and arent super close friends#but i guess the only options for relationships on tumblr dot com are completely 100 percent positive or completely 100 percent negative#with no nuance whatsoever. sad !
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#also. now worried ill not deal well with like. being on the train and on the bus on a book event and on a concert in the next few days#cause thats famously crowded places and i am doing So bad im taking taxi from and to work to avoid being on crowded busses lol#idk what tf is going on rly#im mostly stressed out and filled with dread at home knowing i have work that day or the next day#and somewhat better after i arrive at work??#idk. but also ive lost weight and am losing hair lol and its def stress induced cause my blood test results are perfect#i have a psych appointment in a week where i could ask to get sent on a sick leave and its soon now so#im starting to feel a lot of guilt and shame around this idea#but like. cant handle this anymore#and my boss is awful my work schedule is so bad i cant have hobbies or meet friends its just bad bad bad
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^_^
#very very excited about surgery like i know in a year it wont even be an issue and ill be extra happy i did it#I've kinda gotten past the anesthesia fear and i lived thru the MRI needle in my awrm so#the IV wont be too horrendous.#so right now my biggest worry is the After....#ive seen ppl say they were mostly resting in bed for like 2 or 3 days#and after that they just had to take it easy to get around but idk. im so nervous about That Part.#+ i cant. fall asleep on my back. lol. im terrified#i rly hope im so exhausted on that first day that i jst knock out upon getting home ykwim#being too aware of pain in the body makes me feel cornered in it sometimes ykwim. like i want to jump out of it ! nervous#i rly hope it doesnt hurt too bad!!!!!!! i know ppl say it feels like sore abs after workout but idk. idk nervous#talkys#especially since i have work to do! i hate feeling lazy. i dont even take naps bc i feel like its laziness i cant be out of commission for#a couple of days. WAH.#my friend had an adjacent surgery and said she woke up in a lot of pain! they obvs administered pain management#immediately but oh god. ykwim. im scared of waking up in a lot of pain being in a lot of pain
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#guys...is it too parasocial if i say im worry for dream?#like last time we saw him going back to 2020 humour was on december and...he clearly did bc he was on a bad place#and idk im worried if he's doing bad or not rn#and idk his anwser to that comment sounded to me like a bit off#like idk it reminds me to that time too much and now im worrying myself if he's okay#like no excusing anyone nor saying what he did it's excusable just genuine worry about his well being#yeah this is too parasocial but yk what rn idc we're all being parasocial rn with each other or dream#so idk but I hope his friends go check on him#this feels too random too so im wodering if something happened that freaked him out or what#idk kinda venting my worries that probably dont have a base rn but i want to be compresive than mean rn#negativity
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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small update
ok so um I got my number theory paper today, and the TA had cut marks for me because i left the answer at 66^2 and not 4356 (fermat's little theorem) 😔 I even wrote the full proof
my friend told me I should mail the TA about this, I got 14/20 and should be getting 17or18/20 😔
scores aside, number theory is so much fun, so much fun. the only good thing here is that I know the concepts well, and I fully knew the paper (still fucked it up, because I'm so frickin slow while writing and time). and it hurts worse because there's not enough proof that validates my knowledge. which in turn makes me question if i actually do have any.
I am, in general, a person who does well in concepts but screws up the exams (70% of the time) and I'm trying, I'm trying to get myself out of this "exam paniK" that I often spiral into, just minutes before the exam. I hope I change and grow; I hope, I hope.
#im so sorry for this meltdown once again#so sorry#and for the paper - many people got 20#it was actually a very easy paper and yes 20 was doable#even i could've gotten a 20 had i not screwed up the way i did#and i feel so bad to even say “had i not screwed up...” the excuse sounds horrible to my ears#well what is done is done#i can only try better next time#this course might just end up being the easiest to get an A#let's hope that I don't fuck up this one too#after seeing my paper i just returned it and came back#and my friend was like “ok. why did u not ask them why you've lost so much when the concepts are all right there on your paper?”#and i was like “um so should i ask them?” she went “YES.”#but by the time i went back to the hall the TAs had left so i have to mail mine now#and im very worried that she wouldn't change the current grading#last time i missed an A in math by 1/2 marks and i don't want the same thing to happen this time 😔😔#oh god ONE good thing can help me right now please#ru's trying#JUST 1 good thing#just give me ONE#i was so out of sorts today i slept for ~5 hours during the day and missed my calc class#i deliberately missed it though bc i wasn't feeling up to mark#i regret not going but my brain simply said no we're not there atm so maybe it was for the better#once again im so so SO sorry for the meltdowns lately#it's been bad rains and cloudy days in my head for a while now#i hope for the sun soon
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his hand on her arm/back is the cutest thing ever and yes i will be taking this two second interaction and obsessing over it
#cr fionnagallagher#listen#its so indicative of their dynamic its so adorable#because i was out with some family friends last week and i noticed that the son (hes like 20 or something) kept putting his hand#gently on his mother's arm/back in some supportive caring gesture as if he was protecting her and steering her#obviously she didnt need it but its like so instinctual on his part and a cute sentiment more than anything#its just so fucking heartwarming and protective like thats the woman who raised and protected this boy#now hes caring for her the same way#im going insane look at the beginning how he notices her crossed arms her worried face and instantly makes a move to comfort her#theres something so soft and tender about his affection for her he doesn't want anything bad to happen to her#or for her to feel any pain because she tried so hard to shield him from those things when he was little#he cares a lot in general about being there for her#like in s6 when fiona had to speak to cousin patrick and she was going with sean#but lip was like “are you sure you dont need me?” or something like that#also those scenes in that s4 episode after he finds her in sheboygan#he keeps showing the same affection where hes protecting her and steering her AND IT'S LIKE.... SHE DID THAT FOR HIM WHEN HE WAS A KID#SHE PUT HER HAND ON HIS BACK THE SAME WAY WHEN WALKING WITH HIM WHEN HE WAS LITTLE.#Like thats what i do with my littlest brother whos only 5 rn#Ur telling me the roles will be reversed one day....😭❤️🩹😭❤️🩹😭❤️🩹😭???
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im actually really worried that im not that interested in &j anymore like ivd been having a hard time writing about it and talking about it online and i mean i talk about it a lot irl but idk like people have been knowing more than me and im starting to feel so incredibly inferior that it's hard for me to enjoy it
#im in this group chaf and im the only one there that doesnt live in new york snf doesnt know any og them irl and theyall know more and see#it a lot and know about the swing order and i dont and ive been feeling so bad about it and it's been so hard for me and then i have friends#that are clearlv better at fandom in general than me so theyre better at characterisation so if i get criticisrd i just feel Terrible and i#havent properly wtitten in ages caude ive been so worried about my characterisation cause a friend very gently criticised me on my character#isation like 2 months ago and i really look up to this person so now i just cant Do anything#and also the thing that they eere pointing out wad more anothrr friend's thing that i didn't even Like much but if someone talks enough i#can be persuaded to anything and also because im just terrified do i#'ll go along with literally anything just because i dont want poeple to hate me#and it's ruining my enjoyment and i mean i made an au and i was hoping that that would make it so that i could maybe write again but nobody#carrd so now i judt cant#i feel so broken right now#also people that were meant to be &j friends are now friend friends and i mean thats Fine#but i cant! handle it!!!#i cant talk about other things unless it's My other things#and i especially cant talk about five nights at freddy's because i used to be hyperfixated on that so now that im.not i just cant! talk abou#t it! or hear about it!!!#not to mention that that game fucking destroyed my life when i was 9 because everyone liked it but i didn't know what it eas anf they wouldn#t explain so now i judt CANT hear about it!!!!!!#i cant do it i cant. do this#i miss when it brought me so much joy but now i hate talking about it online and i cant do it anymore#i can't pretend to care i can't keep being an &j blog even though i do love it!!!! but i feel so insecure and inferior that i just cant!!!!!#i hate this so mcuh im sorry i needrd to get this out#i dont have anything interesting to say anymore and i mean there's also just like. the whole being autistic thing and not wanting peopel to#judge me for my interests which they have my whole life and now it's too much and i cant care this much anymore. i just can't#i dont have anything to contribute either i cant draw and i can't write anymore and i just dont know what to do#sorry
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matthew will always be the most complex character in escape the night no matter what. his emotions are always at 0 or 100 there is no in between for that man. he tries to cover up how intensely emotionally attached to people he's only known for a couple of hours by being passive aggressive and overly sarcastic then gives them devoted attention 5 minutes later. he admits in a confessional in episode 4 that choosing between voting in rosanna, safiya or teala is hard and that he's scared. why would he level rosanna who he's known for years with safiya and teala who he's only known for a few hours? he holds someones hand, shoulder or waist as a form of affection then randomly stops and shelters himself pretending that he doesn't want to talk to anyone but the second someone speaks to him or shows him any form of attention hes overwhelmed by it and goes 100 miles by constantly following them around, he either always gives a nickname (like ro for rosanna/darling for nikita) or says their name like he's known them for his entire life (softly and slowly) he's attached at the hip to the person of the episode who gives him the most attention and love (and yes i will be calling this man an attention whore bc he is one, don't deny it) he treats his love like a toy in which if you even leave the slightest scratch on it, he'll take it away until he paint over the scratch, gives in to his urges and gives it back almost like a second chance but he gives you unlimited chances bc he can not help himself. he is the only person in this so who is 100% willing to beat or even kill for someone he loves. like in episode seven you can see by the look in his eyes he wants nikita gone bc she expressed her feelings in a way that wasn't right in his mind. he paints pictures of everyone in is head and becomes unsatisfied and irrational when they aren't what he imagined them to be which is why in episode 8 when he tells nikita that he "doesn't like this side of her" i think he's not saying he dislikes how mean she's becoming, he's disliking the fact that she isn't the person he wanted her to be. he loves hard and hates hard then tries to take it all back, and though we as a fandom should hate someone who is a short-tempered attention whore who has severe attachment issues. we can't, he's almost everyone's favourite and if not, he's always in someones top 3 or top 5. and honestly i don't think there is a rational explanation for this he just captivates us because he has the characteristics of a golden boy who we root for but other than that i don't know why our favourite detective is so beloved when he has the most hate-able traits ever.... but my god do i love that man <3
i am soooo in love with this holy hell! i'm like, ugh, this is just such a well worded take on the detective and i always get this second wind of love for him when other people see him in a similar vein to how i've always viewed him. there's so many characters in etn, many of which who are complex and astonishingly human in the most interesting of ways, yet i keep coming back to matthew constantly. as you said in the end, he just has this undescribable pull on everyone around him that can't be understood or logically reasoned with. his traits are beyond hate-able and his wishy-washy nature should, by all means, make people hate him and distrust him. this is a death game! the last person you want to devote yourself to and bend over backwards for is a guy like mat ... but nobody in the show hates him, and neither do the fans of the show. the way he wraps people around his finger? the way he makes people want to do anything for him, makes even the most selfish of people want to be better? all while not trying that hard? it's insane. has he ever considered starting a cult? because he'd kill it. ahem! back on track, however!
'there is no in-between with that man' is exactly what makes his love for others ( his attachment ) so devastatingly intense and extreme. it's also why he has the capacity for cruelty that even the most 'mean' people in his season hasn't done nor thought of ... his sudden apathy and pettiness towards nikita and manny in ep9's death challenge comes out of nowhere, and joey of all people is completely taken aback and borderline appalled by his behavior in that moment. but in a split second, he's back to loving those two with a fierceness and, after being so clearly hurt by manny's passing, goes right into comfort and protect mode with nikita -- someone who, mind you, he just casually admitted to wanting her to die over manny not even minutes prior. it's this bizarre sense of wishy-washy behavior except it isn't, not really, since all those emotions don't come from a real place of apathy. there's not a part of the detective that can be described as uncaring because his entire problem, the crux of his character, is that he cares too much. in the best ways, the worst ways, and the selfish ways. most people in etn have this moment where you see them switch off so to speak, where they take a step back from others because they acknowledge there's either a.) no time for emotions or personal opinions, or b.) caring about these strangers will only make things harder, so there's no point. mat is a character who never has that moment and actively goes against these 'rules' at every turn, and honestly, he's probably a big part of why s3's group seems to care more about each other then the two groups before them. he just loves people so much! it's like this thing he can't help but do. and you're totally right with the fact he tries covering it up -- where he says mean things or does something specifically to someone with the intent to hurt, like he's trying to burn his barely formed bridges and be this perfect uneffected leader ... but he can't commit to it. it's like he either gets attention from that person again and just flings himself into them full force, or he misses them. which is crazy! how can you miss someone you don't know that well? but mat does, all the time.
and it's such a selfless thing, initially, if you're labeled as someone who loves so much and cares too deeply. when you're someone who's helpless to this nature. except, again, the detective's love isn't exactly unconditional. it is, but it isn't. he'll always come back to someone and dote on them, yet there are consequences to being someone he cares about. with mortimer and the town of everlock, matthew is consistent. nobody's ever 'punished' and he overall doesn't care for how these people act because he has no love for them whatsoever. this man even has the audacity to be like “you're welcome.” in this plain ass tone to maria in ep8 when she's gushing about how she's gotten her life back, because it wasn't worth the price of rosanna's. sure, he joins in on that group hug and eases himself onto manny's shoulder after -- but while the other three rejoice about how they're actually saving people, about how their deaths won't be meaningless, the detective is oddly quiet despite the smile on his face. he might love fiercely and hate twice as hard with his group, but like you said! he'd be willing to fight or kill anyone, including burning all of everlock to the ground with the residents inside it, if it meant the people he loves would stop dying. he stays gloomy and cynical about this by the end of the episode and at the start of the next. like he's waving this massive sign around that reads “hey! noticed you guys are falling into the belief that these randos' lives are worth more than yours! so i'll remember how stupid and awful and not true this is since i guess you guys forgot to.” which is ironic since these people are just as innocent as them, and just as foreign to matthew as a majority of his so called 'loved ones' tonight ... he just can't see that and so passionately distrusts everyone else's intentions and character besides his group. he's totally willing to forgive joey, but saving some poor guy tied up and begging for help? yeah, fuck him. mat's gonna drag his feet to help and keep trying to convince manny, nikita, ro, and joey to leave the bastard for dead. there's only one thing he wouldn't do for who he loves and that's die for them, but that's genuinely the only thing ; he has no boundaries, no reservations, no things he wouldn't share or do or forgive them for, it's just that he's not willing to get himself killed. crazy behavior, if you think about it.
also, thank you, thank you, thank you for the nikita comment, because that's exactly the thing isn't it? these claims that he doesn't like this side of her that he's seeing, that she's darker and more competitive, are flimsy at best and false at worst. matthew has always known who nikita is since the jump, has labeled her as someone who stirs the pot and is well versed in being mean. basically admits he sees her as just her title and nothing more since, when he votes her in come ep3, his reasoning is “we don't need troublemakers in the group.” to him, nikita is dramatic, troublesome, and someone who's willing to do anything for herself. she's a person who doesn't care for others, much less someone who experiences grief to any degree. it's a shallow read of her character but it's a conclusion we see mat come to because of all he's witnessed from her early on : demeaning roi until he sacrifices himself ( for mat, funnily enough ), belittling teala, and even cheering for manny during the challenge that gets matthew killed. it's a nature he struggles with hating yet it's one he loves nikita in spite of and one he loves her for. you see his hatred for this in early episodes, but his adoration for it shows just as much in later parts of their journey together. he almost drowns her in praise in ep9 because of how effortlessly she's won ( only to condemn her for this later, oh mat ) and actively tries engaging in this 'competitive' side of hers in s4, where he's all smiles and playful with her. he wasn't 'surprised' by nikita's behavior in ep7 as much as he was probably blindsighted by it. mat, fresh and high off his revival and the love he was shown, had probably forgotten this was how these people were normally. maybe he painted nikita as some secretive major softie in his head and when that didn't add up, he became unsatisfied and irrational and began changing this view to claim she was becoming someone she wasn't ... despite her being that way all along. you see this sorta behavior from him, this like, i decide how you really are and what you think, because when nikita tries apologizing and explaining herself he so rudely cuts her off and hammers down on his view of things. again, nikita most likely was trying to get mat to grasp that he's never been in a challenge with his best friend before, that this was what he wouldn't get, but mat angrily assumes she's stupid enough to think he doesn't get what being in a challenge and almost dying is like. eventually nikita stops trying with him, but this isn't because of her, it's entirely due to him retreating down a road where he's not letting anyone reach him anymore, for a while. it's also so telling how loved he is because almost every etn fan came out of ep7 hating nikita and believing mat's warped and untrue view of her. despite us seeing physical proof of nikita saying safiya's death saddens her, we fall for mat's claims that she delighted in safiya's death.
( which is something he quickly forgives her for all things considered lol. also, i love nikita because she and mat are two sides of the same coin. she's different to mat in a way that makes them exactly the same. mat is portrayed as selfless individual, a good person, a leader, when he's genuinely the most selfish guy around who picks favorites and would let innocents die simply because of biased views and reasoning. nikita, on the other hand, is portrayed as selfish and vain and inherently bad ; when she's the only one continuously pushing the group forward like a true leader, when she's willing to stick her hands into places where she could lose them because no one else wants to, and helps people without a second thought and does, quietly, feel devastated when people die. there's truth to these surface level reads of them both but that is not all they are. these are mainly fronts, purposefully put on or not, with elements of truth. like, nikita and mat are so similar they even have green and yellow-coded best friends who are their better and more sympathetic halves. nobody's doing it like them! )
the detective is short tempered, he's an attention whore, and has severe attachment issues and i adore him to bits and pieces haha. and love the little bit where you say he 'tries to take it all back' when he loves and hates because i think guilt and regret are huge parts of him too. it's another thing that pushes him into doing dangerous missions and dedicating himself to a bad way of life just as much as his love. he wants a do-over with jc, he wants to save roi who he let die for him, he wants to not vote in teala despite the cost, he wants to be able to have the guts to tell safiya she was secretly one of his favorites, and he wishes he wasn't a coward and that he would've tried to save rosanna rather than just talk to her, etc etc. probably would give almost anything to see manny again and take back how he acted in the ep9 death challenge, because the record producer was someone he was so fond of and consistently treated well, and then he let one petty moment be the last thing they'll ever have together. mat is someone founded on this guilt, regret, love, and he proves you can adore someone with your whole being and still treat them unfairly. there's so many layers to him and if he wasn't as crazy, needy, destructive, and charming as he was i wouldn't have fallen for etn as much as i did. he is the moment and if he comes back in s5 i hope people remember these things about him because i find the fanon detective so boring. let him be his messy, hypocritical, judgemental self! it's so much more fun.
#to my esteemed guests - ( answered asks )#confessionals - ( personal )#escape the night#tw long post#THANKS SM FOR THIS ASK this watered my crops and the detective is now infecting my brain lmao#im like yesss i love when people just get it. i truly do. this was worded so well that i sat my house down for like.#two hours just to slowly write this up lol#he loves them. he hates them. he loves them. he hates them. it is just mat's way of being ...#he'll call them bad people and condemn them for how they are yet forgive their most heinous crimes#the detective stays the most extreme and unstable character of all time#like i. have so many things to say but i cant form them because im so overwhelmed with how much i adore this man#so just take this for now ... so glad we agree that the detective has the most hate-able traits but we cant help but love him#because i always worry others think i like. hate him. when they couldn't be further of the truth#this is also why i cant see corrupted mat as someone who takes away and kills bc tbh to me??? he'd be a consumer#would just use and use and use his 'friends' however he wants until there's nothing left and even then he wouldn't let them go#because that would be the worst possible version of himself! at least to me anyway#anyway!!! im hushing i just. ugh. the detective stays as one of my favorite characters of all time#*ass not house. wtf how did i even make that error. anyway
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#i think it's a little fucked up but a little funny that my mental state is currently at such a bad point where it's like.#any stress sends me into emotionally constipated panic. where it doesn't really show through for the most part. for the most part i seem ok.#and then if you crack me just even a little bit it's like that one modern art piece can't help myself#where im trying my best to juggle and maintain the facade of being fine but you can tell im tired and one deviation away from crumbling down#but can i cry? haha no. instead i just panic. everything sends me into silent panic. and i just think about really dramatic responses.#i hold my breath and worry that if i do anything wrong everything I've worked so so hard for will just come toppling down#because it has before. something you've poured your heart into. something you've cared so much about. can just be. so. out of your control#and you lose your voice and you lose your agency and you lose your will to fight and you lose a little bit of yourself#I don't know if i will ever get it back. it's been a while. I don't know if i can ever regain my confidence back. i miss who i was sometimes#i used to be warm. i used to be sure of myself. i used to carry hope around like a small star. i miss her. the person i was.#someone who could light up a room without trying so hard. someone who could make others smile without giving it too much thought.#someone who could make others feel good about being there and being alive. i barely feel good about myself these days sometimes. somehow.#I don't know how to be that girl anymore. everything feels a little forced. it shouldn't have to feel this hard. it used to feel natural.#i have moments where i feel like myself again. happy. confident. and then im brought back to reality almost immediately.#i feel guilty for feeling good. i feel guilty for being confident. and then i go hating myself again. it does weigh on me. what she said.#im sorry that i used to like myself. im sorry it made you feel bad about yourself. see. i hate myself now. do you forgive me now? hehe#I'll get over it one day. I'll get over it soon. i hate feeling like this. the overwhelming ego death. it makes me feel really shitty.#i hate this hehe i want to run away so badly but i know running away never solves anything you come back and the problem is still there#so i will go through it and i will fail and i will fall and i will stumble and hurt myself and feel humiliated and terrible throughout#but it will be fine. but I'll get through it and realize it wasn't that bad. I'll get through it and try again and again until i get there.#i need to stop seeking validation from people who won't give it. stop seeking comfort from people who won't give it.#stop hanging with people who make me feel worse. and stuff like that. it's like quitting an addiction hhhh i don't get it#i have friends who treat me really well. i have friends who i love and love me a lot.#i just can't quit certain people. part of it is bc im scared of change and part of it is bc i don't want to be more reliant on others#especially the people i do really care about and love and who love me bc. i think. if i have one more abandonment. i will actually. mm.#i think i would fully lose my ability to love new people haha like. romantically and platonically. haha.#but anyway that's the trauma speaking i will overcome it I won't let it control how i live haha#i will be ok i will be ok spring will be here eventually it's just the seasonal stuff#tw health#delete later
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can all of you shut up for literally five fucking seconds please
#mars.txt#my bad days have started to snowball into bad weeks which are projected to become bad months and frankly all of you are making it worse#<- me being dramatic this is not true only a select amount of you are making it worse#who is you i dont know i dont follow people i think are annoying unless im physically forced to but sometimes annoying people appear on my#phone against my will and im forced to be the bigger person and not suicide bait#speakign of which im bringing that back singlehandedly we do not tell others to kill themselves often enough#think about it maybe if you really put your mind to it they actually will#depending on who yohre targetinf its probably a net positive#no money but the only way i can feel peace is to have a live tracker of every fsmily member ive ever had in my life constantly in front of#me like in a clockwork orange but instead of the horrors its just physical proof o ehere they are#at all times#what was a lifelong looming fear that gave me such bad anxiety i would be sent home from school in literally second grade has only been fed#like fire and all i do is worry and all ive done is worry for literally years and why am i constantly holding my breath and why does every#phone call from an unknown number make my stomach hurt and why am i realizing now that its always been this way#looking through my dad's old documents and finding cards upon cards upon cards and there were so amny words but the only one i see in my#dreams is just alien over and over again alien alien alien and then i look outside and i wonder if the mothership might come for him and#take him away and now alien spacecraft are hovering everywhere we go and everywhere he goes and it feels like im the only one who like cares#like this crushing weight on my chest and i look at my friends and my collegues and im like How are you breathing?How can you breathe#until i get to see my grandma and suddenly im letting out a sigh of relief thats been building since i was in second grade#anyways. sorry#just shut up though
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oh. that's thanksgiving tomorrow
#sage's diary#011#11/27/2024#today has been eventful for sure but not in the ways i wouldve really liked#cleaned the whole house cause my roommates are out for a few days#its nice to get the house to just my bf and i but im remembering the one con i have to that#being alone with my thoughts#trying really hard not to let the mind palace dwell too hard lest i start sobbing with no physical comfort#hell. even typing this entry out is making me tear up#i think part of why im feeling shitty like this is i missed out on a chance to talk to friends earlier#so now i just feel. stuck and its upsetting me#...i just hope tomorrow goes ok#ive never had any bad thanksgivings so im not worried about arguments or anything#just. scared something causes my mood to get worse like tonight#whatever. im gonna distract myself with music and forcing myself to draw til i innevitably break down probably#o7
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#been feeling very. idk. lonely tonight#theres truly no reason for me to#my friends are. pretty much a text away#as is my lovely partner#normally id worry about him reading this post but the last few weeks he hasnt been looking at my posts much#so im 75% confident they wont see this. and hey. maybe if he does then i'll. like. garner the attention ive been hoping for#but hoping for that make me feel not only like a dick but an abusive manipulator so my hope is he actually wont see this#hes doing stuff with family anyhow so. im hoping he'll just have a nice evening#idk i dont wanna like. drag anyone down into the pits of despair i keep finding myself in despite trying to distract myself pretty constant#idk i think im really only posting cause i feel like im all alone#and i just burned my arm on a candle flame bad enough it singed off my arm hair in a noticeable patch#and im watching the skin the area turn this soft brown color and splinter off like its head dandruff and i just. dont wanna bother anybody#ive run it under cold water btw dont worry im not like. gonna slip into hurting myself again im already so angry that i broke my fuckin#almost a year and a half clean streak back in January and kept at it until like fuckin March#but im gonna stay clean . i am GOING to stay good and clean because im already so fucking angry at myself about a lot right now#and i fuckin. do not need to add broke the stupid fucking clean streak fo hurting myself again to the list i just DONT need that on my plat#idk. im just lonely i guess. im just lonely and feeling horrifically amounts of unlovable#idk. i havent been telling people stuff recently#ive been working on trying to lose weight again recently. didnt eat nothing for 36 hours and had a hypoglycemic attack at school#and scared my fuckin friend doing it#and i havent actually told no one#cause im being GOOD#im being so good with it#im losing the weight im looking better slowly.#and that means that i should be loved again soon that means that that idk#idk#i hope no one fuckin sees this post#i just. dont know where else togo to rant about this stuff.#i wish i wasnt clean at all#i wish i didnt have time built up at all because i want to feel the faux good
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vent art probably deleting later
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sure i'll play uno
#i thought drawing would make me feel better#but no#i feel worse#actively trying not tk think bad things#but i cant help it#do you ever just want to explode on people so theyll realize youre a terrible person and leave you?#so you have control over them leaving you#bc you know youll be abandoned one day anyway?#do you ever just wanna kill yourself over it?#yeah. yeah.#head in hands. if i drove everyone away on purpose i wouldn't have to worry about being abandoned#if i have no friends maybe i wouldn't hurt this much#im so scared of losing people all the time#and i know i will lose them eventually#ive already lost so many#whats the point of clinging on like this?#what the point of even trying?#i dont deserve love i dont deserve friendship#i dont do enough#please just tell me you dont want me. just tell me you dont love me. just leave me now so i dont hurt later#sorry for the weird vent just ignore this#tw sui ideation#delete later
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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