#now i'm just emotionally damaged

[plumawolf]

The Fallout Who Regenerated mod adds so much more to the story of Fallout 4 than I first thought.

For context, I haven’t played much of the game myself. I dabbled in it a bit a few years ago, didn’t progress all that much, but I know the story because of playthrough and general curiosity. But recently I’ve had major Doctor Who brainrot again, and only just found out about Fallout Who Regenerated. I thought “A mod for a game I already have where you can repair and fly your own TARDIS? Sign me the fuck up!”

Yes, flying the TARDIS is cool. The new Doctor Who themed tracks added are just *chef's kiss.* Go look them up on youtube.

But holy shit.

The premise of this game is already so angsty. But here’s a bit of how I imagine my character’s experience from her pov went when I started a new game with the mod installed. Beware: this part is long and will contain spoilers for both Fallout 4 and Fallout Who Regenerated.

My husband has been murdered, my son kidnapped. I’ve been frozen for who knows how long. I get out of the vault, desperate to see my baby again. Right away, I see Codsworth, still trying to clean a house that’s been abandoned for what he tells me has been two centuries, and he gives me a holodisk from my husband. I don’t listen to it immediately. I'm too desperate to find at least one other person in this desolate hellscape. But I pop it into my Pip-Boy anyway, for later.

I find a stray dog, the first friendly face I've seen in this place that isn't made of metal. I find the Minutemen not long after when I follow the sound of gunshots. I help them out with the raiders, defend against the Deathclaw attracted by the gunfire. The old lady with them says she’s psychic and that my son is alive, and I’ve never been much of a believer in that kind of thing, but I’ll take anything at this point. We all head back to Sanctuary, a not-so-merry band of survivors armed only with pistols and a rifle scraped together out of junk.

We arrive back at Sanctuary and set up camp. It's not much, but the little life returning to my old neighborhood gives me some comfort. I am not alone.

I'm cleaning out the root cellar of another wrecked house, searching for anything that could be scrapped and repurposed, because we still need a way to purify water. And that is when I hear it. Whispers, in a language that I don't understand, but I get such a familiar feeling. Something compels me to look down at the shelf I just searched, really look at it. And there, glinting in the dim lamplight, is a golden pocket watch, and a silver key.

Curiosity overwhelms me. The key looks rather unassuming, but the pocket watch is decorated with many circular designs, overlapping and intertwining in intricate patterns. It feels familiar in my hand, and is surprisingly warm to the touch. The whispers grow louder, and it's almost as if they're inside my mind itself...

The moment I open the pocket watch, it's as if I'd been looking through a pinhole my entire life, but someone has just ripped it wide open. And I remember everything.

I am a Time Lord from the planet Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous. I came to this planet to hide, hide so well that I would forget my true identity. It takes a few moments to recover from the sheer flood of memories and information, but when I am, it's like I've been reborn. And the first thing I must do is find my TARDIS.

It's not hard to hook up the TARDIS key to my Pip-Boy so I can create a homing signal to its location. Anticipation clogs my throat, my hearts beat faster as the signal gets stronger. I rush past the other settlers, ignoring their worry and questions. And I see it. I see it.

The Chameleon Circuit is completely busted, judging by the exterior, which has reverted to the generic silver cylinder shape. But when I open the door for the first time in centuries, I can feel her in my mind. She hums, pleased to see me again after so long. As I check on her systems and assess the damage (and there is quite a lot), I find myself smiling again. In fact, as I step into the TARDIS depths to look for the instruction and repair manuals (I always lose the damned things... an infinite ship with infinite possibilities, but I'd never thought to use any filing cabinets...), I feel almost giddy. I trail my hands along the walls, passing by rooms I haven't visited in years.

Finally, I reach the library. It's much more bare than it used to be - the TARDIS had to clear quite a lot of space to preserve her systems while I was away, mostly due to the damage she sustained upon landing. When I approach the writing desk in the middle of the room, I see that the TARDIS has already taken the liberty of presenting the instruction manual, in holodisk form for my convenience. I smile and thank her for it. She hums jovially in return.

However, when I open my Pip-Boy, there is already a holodisk inside. My stomach sinks when I remember that it is the one that Nate, my human self's husband, intended to give to me. Against my better judgement, I play it. When it is over, Nate's "We love you" and the last of Shaun's gurgles leave me feeling hollow. I feel the vastness of the TARDIS. Vast, but so very, very empty.

Even after I repair my TARDIS, I cannot leave. I will not, not yet. Because even though I am my true self again, that human version of me still grieves so deeply for her murdered husband, and cares so fiercely for the son that she lost. Even though I am not his mother anymore, I still feel the love that she felt for him. I cannot run away from this. I must find Shaun again.

[asbestos-11]

life is dark and miserable but tiny aventurine makes it all disappear

would be so sexy and cool if y'all could reblog my art^^

[bonefall]

Bones someone did a "Worst Parents" poll over on Twitter and it's going about as well as you'd expect.

"God people will do anything to hate on mentally ill male characters" and it's the guy who hits and yells at his son.

"Crowfeather's only crime was being a bit mean" hitting and humiliating your son= bit mean.

Yes these are things I've actually read

I'm not saying Curlfeather (who was pitted against him in the poll) is better or worse than Crowfeather, but I've seen a lot of people downplaying his abuse towards Breezepaw and acting like people are crazy for thinking Curlfeather was better

It's really wild to see it in action, isn't it? When a dad manipulates (Po3 book 2) and smacks his son (Po3 book 3) for absolutely no benefit besides his own ego, it's "mental illness" and ergo not a big deal. As if they think mental illness is a get-out-of-jail free card for child abuse.

The "Crowfeather Mental Illness" Crowd couldn't HANDLE the kind of mentally ill characters that I stan. They are weak and will not survive the winter.

When they say "stop being mean to boys with a disorder" they mean "stop holding an abusive father accountable for teaching his son slurs so he could get back at the ex-girlfriend who dumped him." When I say "stop being mean to boys with a disorder" I mean that I want to give Breezepelt a gun so he can enforce it himself. We are not the same.

[purgetrooperfox]

I'm all for bloodpact as a ship. I agree that they're an excellent fit and unbelievably complimentary and they could actually be so good for each other. their potential is boundless. do you see their in game interactions? do you hear the way they talk about each other? amazing

now hear me out

bloodpact where wyll is more than just astarion's emotional crutch and moral support 🥰

[no-pasaran-99]

you know what. sometimes i am in fact bitter. and sometimes i am in fact also vindictive, a little.

[blacknidstang]

Every damn time it drives me insane how soulless sam reminds me of dissociative episodes after some very very emotionally taxing period. Like there are times i wake up and i feel like a clone of myself, i know my past self, i know i had emotions, i know i felt things but at that moment all of these feel so so far away and so alien. That complete drainage, the way your brain just shuts all sorts of feelings down. It was so scary when i became aware of that at one point bc how do you go from feeling so intensely to this? It's almost like you really are no longer the real you.

I know sam's soul is practically still in hell & soulless is simultaneously wondering the earth but to me this will always be a metaphor for post traumatic experience/emotionally intense dissociation. Like even not considering hell itself, s5 sam was the most miserable broken state already. Boy i sure would stop feeling anything at all anymore after that. Anyway i am no professional in that field but that's how i see it based on very personal experiences

[mutantfactor]

Ashes Of Love Run Yu

[buppypuppy]

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[arb0k]

rio had a vet appointment today! refreshing vaccines + establishing care with a new vet since we just moved. it went well! through the power of gabapentin and teeny tiny muzzles

i was really nervous about it because the last two visits to the emergency vet went poorly but being able to warn them in advance really does do wonders. the gabapentin doesn't make him okay with being handled by strangers, but it does appear to shortcircuit his "i need to threaten them until they leave" urges. he sniffed around the waiting room quietly and did a couple of touch targets for treats and otherwise just leaned against me and trembled and looked pathetic

the vet's main comment after the exam was that his abs are very strong, she tried to palpate his stomach and he clenched all up lol. she was really happy with his weight + muscle tone and said more than once that i'm doing a great job and he's lucky to have me

which like. you hear that a lot when you go through the adoption process for a shelter dog, i've mostly filtered it out as a social nicety. but i asked about his skipping knee and she responded "usually i give people exercises but i'm genuinely already happy with his condition, just keep doing whatever you've been doing" and it's. nice. to actually take that one to heart

coming up on one year together next week <3

[brutalmasks]

where do you carry your pain?

your heart.

you have loved and been hurt. your heart is tired, but cannot grow calloused...

tagged by: @divingdownthehole

tagging: @volegne, @warled, @question-marked, @cxpperhead, and anyone else who might like to take this quiz!

[seeminglyseph]

I know I am like. Gerard’s second biggest apologist after Emily Axford who is also like full drunk girl in a bar bathroom hyping him up.

but. I feel like. he really does need an adult friend to just be like ‘so what *is* the situation’ and be supportive and kind from a position of understanding weakness and struggle and change. Like Rosamund’s distorted roller-coaster perspective on romance and 18 year old trauma victim brain is really hindering her ability to be as supportive as she wants to be, she does not have the wisdom on the subject to offer what Gerard needs.

He needs A Peer. Someone please be in their 30-40s with relationship experience. Tim’s marriage is going too well, Henry is too forgiving, we need a divorced 40-something to come hang out with them for a while.

[ssoupcup]

sometimes i feel bad for posting too much of my interests to my tumblr and like im annoying my friends. then i realise this is my fucking tumblr?? a place to engage with my interests? maybe. maybe i think i need to get over myself and realise that people dont just automatically dislike me for existing. and that perhaps, my friends like me and aren't annoyed at my every move and if they were they aren't meant to be my friend.

[ohara-n-brown]

As a late diagnosed autist I will say one of the most damaging but transformative experiences I've ever had was being misdiagnosed with BPD.

Everyday my heart goes out to people with BPD.

The amount of stigma and silencing they face is astonishing and sickening.

I took DBT for years. Therapists use to turn me away because of my diagnosis.

I would be having full blown autistic meltdowns, crying for help literally - but because I was labeled as BPD ANY time I cried I was treated as manipulative and unstable.

As if the only reason I could be crying was if I was out to trick someone.

95% of the books out there with Borderline in the title are named shit like 'How to get away from a person with Borderline', 'How to stop walking on eggshells (with a person who has BPD)'

I was never allowed to feel true pain or panic or need.

That was 'attention seeking behavior', not me asking for help when a disability was literally inhibiting my ability to process emotions.

There were dozens of times where I had a full meltdown and was either threatened with institutionalization or told I was doing it for attention.

My failing relationships weren't due to a communication issue, or the inability to read social cues. No, because I was labeled borderline, my unstable relationships were my fault. Me beggong nuerotypicals to just be honest and blunt with what they meant was me pestering them for validation.

Borderline patients can't win.

And the funny thing is - I asked my therapist about autism. I told her I thought I was on the spectrum.

BPD is WILDLY misdiagnosed with those with autism and I had many clear signs.

Instead - she told me 'If you were autistic we wouldn't be able to have this conversation'. She made me go through a list of autistic traits made clearly for children, citing how I didn't fit each one.

And then she told me that me identifying with the autism community was the BPD making me search for identity to be accepted - and that I wasn't autistic, just desperate to fit in somewhere.

I didn't get diagnosed for another ten years. For ten years I avoided the autism community - feeling as if I were just a broken person who wanted to steal from people who 'really needed it'.

Because of my providers - I began to doubt my identity MORE, not less.

Ten years of thinking I was borderline and being emotionally neglected and demonized by a system meant to help me.

To this day, I still don't trust neurotypicals. Not fully.

I know I'm not borderline now - but my heart aches for them. Not for the usual stuff. But for the stigma. And the asshole doctors. And the dismissiveness and threatening and the idea of institutionalization hanging over their head.

I love Borderline people. I always will. I'm not Borderline but if you are I love you and I'm sorry.

You're not a bad person. You're not a therapists worst nightmare, you are a human with valid feelings and fears.

Borderline people I'm sorry.

[neverendingford]

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[boogiewoogieweeb]

I'm not saying The Terror in general and Joplittle specifically have definitively given me permanent brain rot but I am finding it funny that I'm picking up parallels and similarities with both in a series as far removed from it as Netflix's Blue Eye Samurai

[wolfisland]

hi. please help me get out of an abusive living situation. like please. lol. please.

tl;dr: i'm dylan. i'm a disabled indigenous australian bisexual trans person and i have to get myself and my pets out of a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive house. i have reached an agreed upon date of the 8th of november at the latest, but there's no guarantee this won't be changed as circumstances here are extremely unstable. more under the cut if you care for specifics.

rbs help more than you can imagine. thanks.

❤️‍🩹

i've had my belongings trashed, my animals threatened (as well as my dog neglected severely), things pelted at me, punches thrown, threats made, i have been prevented from accessing medication and medical care, my car withheld, i have been forced into circumstances of dependency on this woman that have been used against me as justification for further abuse, and while i was hoping to make it to early next year here til i saved enough to find a better place, it literally just isn't safe for me to do so.

previously this woman has choked me out and hit me in the face before in front of family, thrown glasses and mugs at me, smashed my things, taken my money. this is why i desperately tried to leave earlier before i was kicked out previously, and i'd been forced to move back as a last resort as i would've been otherwise homeless.

i was in the icu for a suicide attempt after the loss of my job and an incident with another predatory and abusive family member, an attempt that has caused lasting cognitive issues, caused a burn out that left me mostly bed and house bound for that 6-8 month period, intense and debilitating flare ups, and has contributed to significant mental health episodes that cause me to lose time.

i had been convinced over a period of 6-8 months that i would be safe to return and that things would be different. please do not think less of me for being stupid enough to believe her. i had no one else to turn to and nowhere else to go, she begged me to come home. after so much time apart i made the mistake of believing her. i won't again.

the stress that i'm under here has caused my mental and physical health to tank, and left me struggling to take basic care of myself let alone manage tasks around the house, which has only further provoked abuse. it's essentially been a cycle of abusing me to a point of being unable to function and then abusing me as a punishment for being unable to function. i can barely keep track of where and when i am let alone keep track of the majority of a house.

i came here as a last resort and it has caused me far more damage than any good. i'm in an isolated rural area and have little to no support system aside from my caseworkers who are trying to help me leave again.

i would appreciate help to rent a storage shed for my belongings as anything i leave will be tossed, as well as a spot for my car as i'm unable to drive it yet without a fully licensed driver supervising. i also have medication to pay for, one of which is $120 per prescription and part of my pain treatment plan. this is something she has used against me, many times before. everything else will be saved and put towards rent if i can find a place in time (and motel fees if i can't) food, transport, and toiletries etc.

i have had more breakdowns and episodes here than i can count. i can't keep living like this. it has set me back in so many ways. i have tried to proofread this multiple times but my brain's not fully functioning right now.

thank you for your time.