#now i’m mad & sad like :( no bag life’s over

[bibleofficial]

god intervened me spending 600€ that i don’t have on a bag via the shit ass website continually duplicating the number of the order & then deleting one deletes them all so i got frustrated & just gave up. mania over by 1 denial

[kisakunt]

megumi’s pissed— pissed with a big, capital p. he’s bothered a lot; irritated and agitated with people daily, no stranger to fingers curling into a fist either at his sides or to the top of someone’s head. but right now, in the cold of your room, he’s pissed.

“take this shit off.” he won’t dare lift his hands himself because if megumi is a man of anything it’s principle. you laugh— louder than a giggle but nonetheless muffled by your pursed lips— and shake your head.

“no can do, nutmeg.” and now he’s really mad.

“don’t call me that.” he’s itching, his normally protruding hair flattened, his palms clammy, his breathing shallow.

“c’mon, why are you so miserable all the time?” it’s a slow drawl, a whine that he has to force himself to ignore. “can’t you show a little joy? maybe even some jubilance? or dare you say it might kill you?”

your name comes out stern, calculated and pointed in a way he knows will get to you, and simply, he repeats himself.

“take this shit off.”

megumi fushiguro is not a big believer of tradition. he has never obsessed over a birthday— although he did buy you a singular cupcake and candle on yours— or stressed at the thought of marriage. he’s not big on anniversaries and he couldn’t care less about a baby shower or bachelor party, so naturally holiday’s mean nothing to him.

you on the other hand are, in his own words, a nutcase. you’d met him two weeks before the christmas prior and insisted you get each other small trinkets. on valentine’s day you gave everyone you knew a card, on easter you mastered the art of making your very own chocolate, on halloween you bought a costume that he refused to wear.

and now, here you are again; snow on the ground outside and a small, and frankly sad, tree in your room symbolizing not only the biggest day of your year but an absolutely grueling year of knowing you.

you sit in front of him, criss cross, with a goofy little grin on your face. he can’t help but think it’s utterly disgusting that that’s doing something for him. regardless though, he stands his ground.

“if you don’t take this off right now i’m not talking to you for a week.” you laugh for real this time, shaking your head with more energy than before.

“well we both know that’s a lie. i’d probably drop dead if you did that and then, overwhelmed by guilt, you’d turn into an even weirder and sadder old man.”

“i’m not old. take this shit off.” atop his head sat a truthfully horrific santa hat. it couldn’t have cost more than two dollars, assortment of dim led lights on the trim. he can’t help but think of how many little, lice ridden kids must have tried this on. but he still won’t budge.

“you know you can just take it off yourself, right?” he does know that— obviously— but again, he has beliefs. he has pride. it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you’re looking at him like he’s heaven on earth or the matching hat smothering your own hair. it has nothing to do with you at all.

he shifts, leaning his body weight onto his left side as he presses his hands into the plush of your bed to lift himself up. he makes a little show of it, slow and meticulous as he barely raises himself.

it would be so easy to avoid this situation. it would be so simple to shake his head or yank the hat off or have stopped you from putting it there to begin with.

megumi’s pissed, but it’s not with you.

“i’m serious. it’d actually be nice to have a moment of quiet in my brain.” megumi is furious, livid and squirming in his own skin. he’s absolutely, unequivocally angry.

he’s angry because he can’t figure out why for the dear life of him there’s a tightly wrapped gift tucked in the bottom of his bag, or why he knows the nearly exact color hex of your eyes, or why he’s hummed— hummed— the song ‘war is over’ twice this week.

you grumble, butt hurt and annoyed now too, and you reach over as fast as you can and snatch it off of him.

“there,” and now megumi’s even more upset because that upset him and his head feels cold and empty now. “happy now?”

and before he can think, before he can be as calculated as he always is, it slips.

“no.” and in that moment something shifts. it’s both of you, just a little bit towards each other, it’s the tension that’s now (and always has been) in the air, it’s the way your hat slips a little to the side.

“well i just can’t win with you, can i?” the— his— hat lays loose between your fingers, your voice quieter than he thinks he’s ever heard it.

megumi wonders time to time if he’s a coward. he knows he’s strong, he knows he’s just in his opinions, he knows he fights. but sometimes he freezes and sometimes he panics and sometimes he can’t look you in the eye.

maybe it’s time for him to be brave. he leans into you, closer to you, breathing you all in and, brushing your fingers in the process, he takes it back from you.

suddenly it’s warm again. suddenly you’re matching again. suddenly he feels close to you again.

“there.” for once, it feels like christmas to megumi. “happy now?” and it feels like he’s got a gift in front of him.

[kquil]

POLY MARAUDERS | HEROES IN TATTOOS PART 5

05 : DRUNK AND CIGARETTE SMOKE

SUM : It’s been a few weeks and James makes a reappearance in your life, Remus too — they’ve fallen into bad habits. 

G. : modern au ; muggle au ; tattoo artist james potter ; piercer remus lupin ; remus smokes ; drunk james ; reader is sad ; this is a little sad chapter ; fergus is an amazing, lovable manager ; i’m horrible at writing the scottish accent! ; james is an adorable drunk ; james’ car is sexy and red ; remiss has eye bags and smells of cigarette smoke ; uh oh ; it’ll get better soon! 

LENGTH : 2.8k

← PREV. : 04 | DISAPPEAR

You stare in disbelief at the notice that stares back at you mockingly from behind the glass door of the ‘Marauders Tattoo Parlour’. 

‘NOTICE’ it said in bold red sharpie, right above a handwritten message that you recognise as Remus’ neat penmanship, ‘due to personal reasons, Prongs, Padfoot and I (Moony) will be keeping the parlour closed until further notice. We kindly ask that you remain patient as private matters are being sorted through and resolved. We are still open for online and phone consultations to discuss designs and potential future appointments. Kindest Regards, The Marauders’. Beneath the polite and brief explanation of current circumstances was a business email address and phone number as well as working times for phone calls. 

The weeks following your discovery of the boys’ true relationship, you rarely ever passed their parlour. A little over three weeks has passed now and you’ve finally been able to walk past their studio doors close enough to read the notice. You’re frozen in place as dread and worry cultivates shards of sharpened ice to grow within you. Freezing up your senses, freezing up your mind and freezing up limbs. Yet, your heart is racing like never before, your blood pounding against your ears like a drummer gone mad. 

The feeling that settled in your stomach wasn’t a pleasant one, especially when you felt completely responsible for the boys’ sudden hiatus in business. They had often talked to you about how much the parlour meant to them, how it was their best investment and remains their biggest source of opportunity — an opportunity to help people express themselves. It’s a form of freedom that many have been deprived of (themselves included) and they were honoured to now be able to provide that same freedom to others. For them to completely close up shop like this was completely bizarre. 

How long have they been closed for?

You bite your lip and will yourself to move your feet, the ice in your limbs breaking uncomfortably, shattering into a million knives of ice, shooting pins and needles up your arms and legs as if your blood had been frozen up too. As you walk away, you slip your phone back into your pocket, where your hands also remain. 

While contemplating what could have happened to your favourite tattooists and piercer, you made sure to save a picture of their business phone number onto your photos. 

You were never able to call their business number. And you had many excuses lined up to absolve your cowardly behaviour. The main one being that it was their business number, it wasn’t meant to be used for a conversation between friends. Were you even still friends at this point? The thought made you shiver and stole the appetite right from your stomach. It was a greedy little thing cowardice, regret too. They’ve stolen many things from you, your appetite was their favourite thing to purloin, motivation another, happiness as well. Nasty, selfish and greedy thieves. But you weren’t brave enough to confront them and make them stop. And that, alone, makes you their willing accomplice — so who’s really to blame? 

It didn’t help that through this entire ordeal, you’ve realised that none of the boys have exchanged phone numbers with you. To say that you were bitter was an understatement. If they never gave you their number, why would they want you ringing them in the first place? 

…maybe they didn’t have a reason to? You couldn’t remember a single time after the day you first brought them that homemade ‘thank you’ lunch where you hadn’t seen them on a regular basis. And now that you were used to seeing them almost daily, your life has since been bleeding of colour and vibrance. Days are dull and monotonous, it’s hard to motivate yourself to do pretty much anything, let alone your job.

“Yer’ve been sighin’ so much these days, I’m startin’ to see wrinkles forming’ on yer cute lil’ face lass,” Furgus comments, nudging your hip with his own as he passes by you behind the counter. 

Flustered, you scramble to get back to work with a quick apology, evidence of your embarrassment heating up your cheeks as you do so, “I’m so sorry Gus,”

With hearty laugh, the burly Scottish man pats you on the back and whispers some reassuring words, “Yer’ve got nothin’ ta worry about lass, I jus’ wan’ed ta see if you were al’ight is all,”

“I’m okay,” you smile grateful for his care only to be met with suspicious eyes and a deep, bearded frown. 

“Don’t grow a habit o’ lyin’ ta me lass, it won’t do ya any good,” his words make more heat rise to your cheeks but you reassure him as best as you can in between taking orders and serving drinks. It was no use however, Fergus saw you as his own daughter, he knew you like the back of his hand and you know that he had his suspicions of your odd behaviour lately — all derived from a sadness he didn’t like you wearing. Thankfully, he decided to leave you alone with your sorrow and regret and focused back on managing the pub. Tonight was pretty average, you saw the regulars and greeted them with a friendly smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes; if any of them noticed, they never said a thing about it to you. Thank god. 

It seemed like it would be another regular night until you caught sight of a familiar figure in the corner of your eye. You had just gotten back from your break when you spot James at a far table, nursing a pint and buried under a sheet of suffocating misery all on his lonesome. 

“James?” you breathed in disbelief with a wide-eyed stare directed right at him. 

“You know that guy?” Bonnie, your coworker, asks in a whisper into your ear and you had no choice but to nod your head in confirmation — you’ve already outed yourself, there was no point in lying, “well he’s been drinkin’ himself to death for the past hour or so, what’s gotten into him? D’ya know?”

“No…” you’re a liar. 

“Well ya be’er find out or else imma have ta kick the poor bastard outta ‘ere,” Fergus comments, his arms folded over his large chest and his brows knitted together in disapproval. 

“May I—…?” you begin to ask softly, sending a curious look towards Fergus who meets your eyes with a small smile and a wink. 

“Consider yerself off fer da night,” with a smile, you thank him and take a breath before making your way over to the miserable tattooist. 

“Angel!” James smiles happily at the sight of you, his drunken state adding an adorable dopiness to his already charming grin, “It’s you~” he coos and wraps his arms around your middle to bury his face into your stomach when you were close enough, “I missed you so much, angel~” he sighs, his voice muffled by your clothes as he refuses to detach himself from you, “even if this is just another dream…” you barely hear him and you almost curse yourself from being able to because his words make your heart drop to your stomach. 

“James,” you ask softly, “can you please get up?” 

“Why?” he shuffles to press his chin into your lower belly and stare up at you with those sweet hazel eyes of his. The sneaky bastard, he knows how weak at the knees you become from his simple stare. You’ve never told him so and often put in the effort to not show it but you know, he knows. 

“Because you need to go home,” he gives an incredulous look at your reasoning and he’s adorable doing so, even in his drunken state. 

“Why would I need to do that when you’re right here?” he slurs and hiccups, your heart pounding erratically at his words.  

“James please—”

“No!”

“James—”

“‘m not going home! I wanna stay here with you,” he presses his face into your stomach again and sobs into your clothes, “you’re gonna disappear again,” he sobs miserably, “I don’t want that…” 

“Please just let me call you a taxi James?” he doesn’t respond, pressing his face further into your stomach as you comb your fingers through his dark hair, you touch gentle and comforting, coaxing him into some compliance, “remind me of your address again and I’ll call you a taxi, okay?”

“NO!” 

You suppress a defeated sigh. 

It takes several minutes of coaxing until you’re finally able to take his phone from him. He refuses to let you call him a taxi and you weren’t going to force him to walk home alone in his drunken state so you’re going to have to do the one thing you can think of that’ll guarantee his safe return home. Not that you’ll enjoy it because it means confrontation. 

“Can you tell me your passcode, please, James?” you ask in a gentle whisper, only to him, “I need to do something very important on your phone,”

With a large smile he recites the digits, “22nd of the 6th, 17,” the way he says it makes your raise a brow. Sensing your curiosity, James answers your silent question, “is the day Moony, Pads and I became official,” he giggles adorably to himself as you smile somewhat sadly — another reminder that you should stay away. You don’t say anything to prompt him further and, instead, type in the code before looking through his contacts. It takes you a moment but you’re eventually pressing call and waiting patiently for Remus to pick up.

“…James?” Remus’ familiar, kind voice speaks tiredly through the phone and you don’t know whether to breath a sigh of relief or worry, “Hello?”

It takes you a moment but you finally will yourself to speak, “Hey, um, Remus?” 

“…Dove?” he’s in complete disbelief and it’s evident in his voice, “Is that really you?”

“uh…yeah,” you chirp sheepishly and Remus is all forms of elated but his excitement dwindles quickly when he realises how you’re able to call him. 

“Why do you have James’ phone?” you were right to call him, knowing that he was preceptive, reasonable and easy to talk to even with the tension in the air. Patiently, you explain the situation, never taking your fingers away from James’ hair as he practically purrs into your form, adoring the physical contact and muttering to himself happily. It’s especially loveable like this, considering that it’s him being dopey and giggly and not anyone else.

“Oh…” Remus sighs, clearly disappointed, “I’m so sorry, darling, I’ll get him right away,” 

“It’s no trouble, Rem,” it was hard not to cringe when the familiar nickname easily rolls off your tongue. As if nothing happened — oh how you wish for such a reality!

“Just tell me where you are and I’ll be right over,” you don’t know if you’re just imagining it but there’s a considerable shift in his voice, he sounds much softer after hearing his nickname easily fall from your lips. 

“We’re at the Boar and Elephant pub on Chapel Road,” 

“Alright, I’ll be there soon,” with a click, he was gone and you were left to keep James satisfied until he got there. It wasn’t an overly tough job; James seemed perfectly content nuzzling into your stomach with his arms hugging you in place as your fingers massage his scalp and gently groom his hair. He’s like a puppy, eager to receive affectionate cuddles and pets. If he had a tail, he’d be wagging it like crazy and you giggle to yourself at the mental image it conjures up. 

“I missed that…” James mutters, maybe to himself but it wasn’t clear.

“I’m sorry?”

“I miss the sound of you giggling,” you don’t know what to say but he continues, going off on a tangent, “it’s so pretty, you’re so pretty. It’s like the sound of a cute little bell ringing…so pretty— pretty pretty pretty!” you can’t lie to yourself, he’s absolutely precious, “I miss you so much angel, why did you go away? I don’t want you away, I want you with me, and with Remus and with Sirius too…” he murmurs something into your stomach that you weren’t able to pick up but don’t press him further on the matter, fearing that your heart might just about burst if you do. You can’t afford to hope for such a fantasy with them when it could never become a reality. 

It just wasn’t possible…

“Not fair!”James whines, making grabby hands at you as Remus, with the force of a gentle giant, manoeuvres him into the back seat of a red Jaguar XJR. Dealing with a defiant baby was a struggle so dealing with a giant, beefy baby like James Potter was like trying to control a hurricane. But Remus had a magic touch and arguably had more of a silver tongue than Sirius did so he made it look like a walk in the park. It was astounding, “I wanna be with my angel!” James sobs as Remus closes the door on him, putting a stop to James’ needy cries. 

“She’s not yours, she’s no one’s,” was Remus’ response even though he had already closed the door, James unable to hear him and the hint of dismay coherent in his tired voice, “thank you for looking after him, Dove, you’re always too kind,”

“N-no, don’t worry about it,” he smiles down at you, silence filling up the space between your two lonely figures under the amber lamplight. He doesn’t seem to mind the hush in conversation but knowing that his eyes were fixed on you was unnerving, “so! Is that your car?” you ask, desperate for a change in conversation; your restless fiddling making your intentions obvious but Remus keeps to himself. 

“No, no, it’s not mine,” he answers with a short chuckle, “this is James’ car,”

“Oh…” you hum to yourself thoughtfully, eyes carefully examining the body and model of the car, “I see,” it looks like a car James would have, you think to yourself. There was more silence until Remus finally brings himself to commence your farewells. 

“Well I suppose I should head off, I don’t want to take up too much of your time,” your heart stutters, almost to a stop, at his words, even more so when you see him hesitate upon leaning down. A victim to your own habits, you find yourself closing your eyes and awaiting his gentle kiss goodbye against your temple.

…But it never comes.

“Goodbye then,” he calls over his shoulder, and rounds the car to get to the driver’s seat. 

“—Do you smoke?” you suddenly ask, in some part desperate to extend your interaction with each other and other parts curious of the lingering cigarette smoke you smell on his clothes, masking his usually comforting fragrance. It’s strong enough that you were able to catch it from your formal amount of distance with each other and it struck you as odd. You had never seen him smoke before. 

Remus laughs a brief and strained sound as he looks at you from over the hood of the car, did he always have such deep eye-bags? “Not usually,” he sends you a sheepish smile once you’re finally able to meet his eyes, “but I’ve recently taken to it again,“ he sees worry and grief fill your eyes and hurries to correct himself, ”—But don’t worry, Dove,” his features are gentle and kind, warm and… forgiving, “I’m okay,” 

The world slows as you watch him bend his head to sit in the drivers seat. It’s been too long. For you, at least. This can’t continue. It scares you to think about where this may go if you leave it to late. It’s only been three weeks! If this is the result…you dread to think about what would happen if things went on for longer than that. James is drinking himself to death. Remus is smoking cigarettes. What about Sirius? Your stomach twists uncomfortably, painfully, your heart too. 

“No! You’re not!” you shout, tears of anger welling up in your eyes as Remus stops and looks over at you once again, his breath hitching when he sees your eyes glistening with tears, “you’re not okay…” 

“Dove—”

“I’m coming by tomorrow,” you announce, “at lunch,” this was a commitment you’re making, a commitment to him, to them. Even if you’re heartbroken, that doesn’t give you the right to be a bad friend. You brave a watery smile, “I’ll make your favourites…so you better be there!”

→ NEXT : 06 | SELFISH DESIRES

A/N : i’m so sooo sorry for my depiction of the scottish accent, i really tried my best, please don’t hate me! if you have any ideas of how i could make it better, please say so, i’d really appreciate it. Also, i know that this isn’t completely fluff but we’re getting there, you’ll have to wait and see in the next chapter! 

NAVI. | HEROES IN TATTOOS MASTERLIST

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[nadvs]

okay so basically i was thinking that rafe and reader just had a kid and rafe has been neglecting them and reader for whatever reason and then topper or anyone comes over and since the kid hasn’t seen rafe in so long they end up calling them dad which rafe hears and gets mad at for a bit and then someone puts him in check and he apologizes to reader and starts putting more effort into the family🩷

🍓anon

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

You don’t understand how Rafe can be so heartless.

Whenever your son smiles at you, dimples just like his father’s, you wonder how Rafe doesn’t miss him. How he can drift in and out of your home, hardly ever present.

Your relationship was once so joyful. You ran in the same social circles, eyes on each other at parties, when your mutual friend Topper finally introduced you to each other.

You hit it off and started dating and then, six months into your relationship, your life changed forever when you stood tense in your bathroom, a positive pregnancy test in your hand.

Rafe was shaken at first. He was shaken for a while. It wasn’t until he saw the screen at your first ultrasound that he could fully understand that you were bringing a human being into the world.

And then he settled into the role, feeling genuinely hopeful about the future for the first time in life. He found a beachfront condo for your growing family. He filled it with furniture. He started talking about all the things the three of you could do together.

But as your son grew, the stress got to the both of you, leading you into more and more arguments with each other. Rafe became cold and distant.

You tried to talk sense into him, tell him that if he was falling out of love with you, that was fine, but he had to love your child. Regardless, Rafe kept drifting away from both of you, your once solid family breaking apart and deteriorating.

One afternoon, you text Topper asking if he can buy and drop off diapers. Rafe was supposed to do it but he hasn’t been home in days. You don’t want to bother calling him, knowing he’ll just disappoint you.

When he comes by, you can see it in Topper’s expression that you look just as sad as you feel.

“You okay?” He’s standing outside the door, handing you the box of diapers.

“I’m so tired,” you admit, voice cracking. “He’s barely even home, Top. It’s like he’s checking out.”

Your son waddles towards you, arms spread out. You wipe away your tears and pick him up, forcing a smile for him.

When he looks at Topper and babbles dada, your heart shatters.

“That’s not dada,” you say, kissing your son on the cheek. You look to your friend. “Sorry. I’m kind of a mess right now. Thank you for dropping these off.”

Rafe is at the club, drinking a scotch and gazing out at the golf course, when his phone starts buzzing, Topper’s name on his screen. He answers with a tired drawl.

“Hey, man,” he hears on the other line. “You gotta get your shit together.”

“What?”

“Your girl’s not doing so good. And your kid thought I was his dad.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“She asked me to buy diapers,” Topper says. “Shouldn’t you be doing that?”

Rafe can only angrily hang up, his blood running hot. You’re calling other people for help? Really?

He finds your name in his phone and calls you. But you don’t answer.

It’s late when he finally comes home, carrying two big grocery bags.

You just got your son down to sleep and rush to the door, shushing Rafe as he walks in. He’s pissed off that the first thing you do when you see him is shush him.

“What’s all this?” you ask, looking at the full, heavy bags he’s carrying.

“Apparently, you got someone else to bring you diapers,” he says bitterly, “but I got everything else we need.”

“How would you know what we need?” you say tersely.

“Don’t give me shit right now,” Rafe mutters, placing the bags on the kitchen counter. He starts to put things away, loudly opening cupboards and drawers, when you grip his arm.

“You’ll wake him,” you scold. Rafe turns to look at you, his eyes narrowing.

“I did something good,” he says. “Can you show some goddamn appreciation?”

“Am I supposed to thank you for buying us food?” you snap. “It’s your job.”

Rafe hangs his head, sighing deeply as he rests his hands on the hard marble counter. You’re expecting him to keep arguing with you. But his next words come out strained.

“He thought Top was his dad?” he mumbles.

You cross your arms, feeling a sense of vindication.

“Yeah,” you say. “Can you blame him? He’s the only guy he’s seen around here in a long time.”

Rafe cracks his neck, pacing away from you as he breathes deeply, circling back towards you.

“Why’d you call him?” Rafe asks. He hates that another man provided for his family.

“What, and not you? Like you’re so reliable,” you mutter. “Where the hell have you been, Rafe?”

Rafe’s been living in a haze. He can’t forget your last argument when you screamed at him that if he didn’t love you, fine, but he had to love your son.

Fine. You’re fine if he doesn’t love you anymore.

Rafe has never cried in front of you. He always stifled it or left the room whenever he felt the thick threat of tears in his throat. He thought he had to be a man.

But at this point, he’s too weak to put up a front.

When Rafe starts sniffling, your heart drops. You’re in complete shock that he cares enough to cry about this.

You’re speechless. You stand across from him, just as still as you were the day you learned you were pregnant.

“Home,” he replies, voice thin. He’s been staying at the house, ignoring everyone. When he gets stir crazy, he goes to the club. Either way, he’s been a shell of himself, carrying his sorrow wherever he goes.

“This is home,” you say softly. You look down at the floor, your brows pinched. “What happened? We used to be…”

“What? In love?” he mutters.

“Happy.” You meet his glossy eyes. “Now all we do is fight.”

“And whose fucking fault is that?” he mutters. You scoff incredulously.

“It takes two, Rafe,” you snap. “Is that why you bailed? Because things got tough? Your baby needs you.”

“But do you need me?” he says. His words render you speechless. An even harder, colder tension grows between you.

“You said you’d be fine if I didn’t love you anymore,” he says lowly.

“I meant…” You take a deep breath. “Rafe, I’m… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t love me anymore,” he mutters. “You’ll leave. I’ll barely see him. What’s the point in delaying it?”

Your head is muddled. Normally, you’d put your hand on his when he spins out like this. Talk him down. But he has hurt you so much lately that touching him would feel unnatural.

“I’d never keep your son away from you,” you say.

“But you would break up me,” he says. You’re so angry at him that giving him any sort of reassurance feels like a betrayal to your pain. He doesn’t deserve the consoling.

But then you notice a tear roll down his cheek and your heart softens.

“Is that why you’ve been like this?” you ask.

Over the past few weeks, Rafe realized he was always scared of being abandoned. Under thick layers of anger and disdain, he fears inadequacy. And why not leave before he’s left?

He stares at you in silence, as if saying his fears out loud will make them come true.

“It’s not on me. You stopped loving me a long time ago,” you say, allowing him to see a crack in your armor.

“I never…” he begins resolutely. “I’ll never stop loving you.”

“And this is how you treat somebody you love? By giving up?” you say. “I’ve been doing everything alone. Do you have any idea how exhausted I am?”

Rafe pinches the bridge of his nose, the guilt he’s been repressing flooding him all at once. He knows he’s failing you. Failing your family.

He won’t say anything else. He can’t.

“If you’re sleeping here tonight, you can take the couch,” you say, pacing out of the kitchen. “I don’t want to even lie next to you.”

Rafe doesn’t give into the impulse to leave, even though his fears and anxieties are screaming at him to. He settles onto the couch. It takes him an hour to fall asleep.

When you wake up to your son’s crying from the nursery at dawn, you hear Rafe’s soft, tired voice consoling him. You drift back off into sleep, sure he’ll call you for help within minutes.

When consciousness slowly pulls you out of your slumber, you can tell by the brightness in your room that it’s well past sunrise. When you check your phone, you’re shocked to see that you slept until noon.

You head downstairs, your chest tightening when you see Rafe playing with your son, his smile bright.

Rafe’s blue eyes meet yours. He gave you the gift of rest, something you’ve been dying for.

“I’m not giving up,” Rafe says. “If you break up with me, I want to know that at least, I… I tried my hardest.”

“If you try your hardest, I won’t break up with you,” you tell him, still harboring hostility.

Instead of arguing with you, Rafe simply nods. You’re shocked he doesn’t have a nasty retort.

“I’ll take care of you,” he says, planting a kiss on your son’s head, earning giggles from him. “Both of you.”

His tone and gaze are so sincere that you almost believe him. It’ll take a while for you to trust him again, but he’ll wait it out as long as he needs to.

[prettypinkporkchop]

Can you do a Plus!Size!Reader x Paul Lahote?

I’m thinking, reader who is Bella’s sister, has been friends with Jacob for years (stayed with Charlie) and she’s always had this massive crush on Paul. Since she is insecure about her weight/ looks, she always avoided Paul at all costs, embarrassing herself too.

One day, she gets dragged by Bella when Bella is mad Jacob. This is where Bella slaps Paul across the face. The reader stays in the truck but when this happens, she gets out of the truck to stop Bella. Paul phases which scares Bella and Reader but he then imprints on reader.

For a while their relationship is just friends (per readers request) until Paul kinda snaps in frustration because he wants to be more and he knows reader wants it too. Lots of fluff and reassurance that the reader is worthy enough for Paul.

Thank you so much, your writing is just amazing and I think you would write this really well ❤️

You're More Than Your Body

A/n: my thick queens!!! I know for a fact that Paul would be obsessed with them thighs! Oh lawd I can see it already!!! BTW I FREAKING LOVE THIS STORY I AM SO BOOSTING MY EGO BC I DID SO GOOD IN THIS! PLZ, I LOVE IT!

Warning: bad language

Paul. Paul. Paul. Nobody runs through your head like Paul. Even now that you're graduated and so is he, you see him around town. Especially since you and Bella are close with Jacob.

You stare in the body mirror in your bedroom, grabbing your stomach in hopes it'll disappear. It would make this outfit look so much better... your heart pounds as tears want to explode from your eyes. The pain of being the "funny fat friend" and always being the butt end of the joke your whole life has really been weighing on you. Even now, as an adult and being stuck on a guy since school.

"I need you to come with me. This is serious." Bella barges in your room.

"Oh, so the sad girl speaks to me now?" You glare at her.

"Look, I'm sorry for ignoring you and charl-.. dad, it's just been.." She stops knowing that you know what she means.

"Edward. Yeah." You roll your eyes and then smile at her. "Okay, what you got?" You ask.

"Jake has been away. They're saying he's sick. I have to see him." She says.

"He's probably tired of you stringing him along." You reply.

She shakes her head and then walks over to you, grabbing your wrist and pulling you down the stairs.

"Uh! Hey! Stop!" You yell.

"I don't want to go alone." She looks at you, still holding your wrist.

"Fine." You sigh.

You both get in her raggedy truck. She speeds up to Billy's house. The car ride was mostly her panicking, and you telling her to slow the Frick down. But, she pulls in with both of you alive. She gets out of the truck and enters past Billy. He sees you sitting in the truck, and you awkwardly wave.

The sound of whistles is heard toward the trees next to the house. You look over and see Jared, Paul, Sam, and Embry. Your heart races as your eyes fixate on Paul. They don't see you. It seems like they're calling for Jacob.

Bella barges out and goes over to them. Your mind blanks out with what is happening. You notice they're yelling and Paul is getting angry. You decide to be the protective older sister and run out of the truck.

"Bella!" You yell and make your way over there. As you get closer, she slaps him. "BELLA WHAT THE HELL?!" You grab her arm.

Paul is snarling. His body seems to get bigger. Next thing you know, he's a wolf. A silver wolf growling at Bella. She falls on the ground, and you stare at the monster. He looks at you and stops snarling. He whimpers.

"BELLA!" Jacob runs out and turns into a wolf, too.

This caught Paul's attention, and they began to fight, wrestling into the woods. You're breathing heavy in fear, but look down at Bella. She's confused and looking at Sam.

"Hey, bring these girls to Emily's place." Sam orders.

"Guess the wolf's out of the bag." Embry mumbles.

That's when you learn everything. Emily and Bella go on a tangent about it all. Embry is cracking jokes, and Jared is kicking him under the table for spilling too much to a 'leech lover'.

Paul walks inside and sits on the chair beside you. He turns back to Bella. "Sorry." He smirks and eats the muffins that are placed on the table. His eyes roam up and meet yours.

You pause. Is he really looking at you?

He sets the muffin down before rubbing his hands on his shorts. He extends a hand and smiles at you. "Paul." He says.

"Yeah, I know." You smile and shakily let your hand reach his. You feel warmth fill up your body. You know your cheeks are burning red.

His smile fades, and he lets go of your hand. "You know me?" He asks, as if he's guilty for not knowing you.

"Yeah. School. We graduated the same year and... you were quite popular with the girls." You snort.

He gulps and looks down. "Yes. Yes, I was." He seems so guilty. But his face turns back to you with a smile. "What's your name?" He asks.

You go to speak but Embry interrupts. "That's y/n. Leech lover's sister." He laughs.

Paul glares at him. "I'd like for her to answer that herself."

Embry lifts his hands up in defense. "Aight, chief. Or should I say.... imprinter..." He snorts.

Jared hits the back of his head. "Bro! That's Paul's story to tell!" He yells.

Sam enters and glares at Embry. "Stop it." He turns to Paul and smiles. "Welcome to the club." He takes Emily by the waist and kisses her.

"What's an imprinter? I'm confused.." You smile and look around awkwardly.

---

"Friends?" You smile at him.

He stares out at the beach, the waves crashing, and the wind blowing. "Yes. I'm sorry for not noticing you. I'm sorry for everything." He turns to face you. "Friends." He smiles.

You sigh of relief and look out at the water. You want more but you're too big for him in your mind. You accepted the bond, but maybe friends will do. At least you'll be around him, and it won't be so bad.

"C'mon. Let's go get food." He stands up and takes out a hand for you.

Yes. You've barely eaten today, and it's four pm. You take his hand, and he helps you stand up. When you're on your feet, he grabs your waist to steady you. That touch has you SPINNING.

"Where do you want to go?" He asks.

"Hm, I'm totally feeling burgers." You giggle.

"Oh, fuck yeah! My kind of girl!" He yells and takes your hand, kissing your knuckles.

He leads you to his truck and takes you to a small diner. It's actually the one you, dad, and Bella used to go to growing up. Now that she's back, the trips here have been more frequent.

He opens your door and helps you out by holding your waist. He seems to love grabbing you there. Honestly, you don't mind, but at the same time, them love handles are ugly to you. He leads you inside and you both get a seat and order.

Paul looks over your face.

You awkwardly look around and smile while blushing. "What?" You ask.

"Nothing." He chuckles and sips his Dr. Pepper. "What's it like being Bella's sister?" He asks.

"Nothing but drama. But I love her. She's very giving to family." You smile.

He nods. "I don't have anyone but my asshole father. I don't live with him, thank God." He rolls his eyes.

Your heart aches for him. You can't imagine not having anyone. "I'm so sorry." You reach out and touch his hand.

His eyes dart toward your contact, and he smiles. "Nah, it's no big deal. I have my boys."

"I guess that makes things better." You smile and let his hand go.

The waitress places your guys' food down, and you both enjoy the night getting to know each other.

It's dark out now, and you're in his truck watching the roads as he brings you home. You're startled when you feel a hand on your thigh. You look down and see his fingers on your flesh. His thumb is rubbing your skin. You look over at his face. He's just watching the road.

---

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Paul is at your window. You know it's him because he HAS to show up every night after patrol. You get up from the bed and open your window. He climbs up and closes it behind him. He hovers over you with a smile.

"Hey." He whispers, pushing hair behind your ear.

"Hey." You blush and soak in the warmth of his body heat.

He slowly leans in, looking in your eyes and then to your lips. No. No. You're too ugly. He's just into you because of the bond. Shit! You don't want to be used. You back away and awkwardly laugh. He gets the message and looks at you.

"Wanna see what I've been watching?" You plop on your bed and pull out your phone.

He smiles and lays beside you.

You show him the YouTube videos you've been addicted to until you fall asleep.

---

You're eating the brownies that Emily made while sitting at the bonfire. Everyone is talking and you're stuck in a debate with Sam.

"No! You're wrong!" He smiles, pointing at you.

You laugh and put your plate on the ground to get focused. "Sam, listen! I'm telling you, the grass is wet in the morning because of the dew!" You yell.

"It's because of the rain!" He yells back.

"Aren't you out all night? On the nights it doesn't rain, why is the grass wet then?!" You're laughing so hard.

Paul, from beside you, gently touches your knee. "He thinks he's always right. You won't win." He laughs in your ear.

"Love birds." Jared smirks.

You look at him. "No, we're just friends." You smile.

"Still?!" Jared asks, shocked. "Damn, Paul! You're taking your time." He laughs.

"Dude.." Paul shakes his head in annoyance.

After the bonfire, Paul brings you to his house. You're super freaking tired, and you fall on one couch in exhaustion. Paul puts a blanket over you and sits on the other couch that's next to your head. The couches are in an 'L' shape. He sits there while you fall asleep. Your arm falls out, and he looks down at your hand. He slowly takes it, holding onto it while you sleep.

---

You wake up and feel a body underneath you. You look down to see that you're on a snoring Paul's chest. You look around and see that you're in his living room. You panic and sit up, going onto the other couch. Your movements wake him up.

"You alright?" He asks in a tired and low voice.

"I.. don't remember falling asleep." You awkwardly giggle.

"You were shivering, so I joined you." He yawns and sits up. "Was that alright?" He asks worriedly.

"Yeah.. yeah, that's okay. Thank you." You smile.

He smiles back and checks his phone. "What you want for breakfast?"

"How about I make something here? If you have anything." You stand up and walk to his kitchen.

"Yeah, I've got stuff. You sure you want to cook? I can do it." He stands up and leans on his fridge, watching you.

"Yeah, no! I've got it." You smile.

He smirks and walks up to you, grabbing your waist. "You're beautiful." He whispers.

Your breath hitches in your throat. You look up in his eyes. "Friends.." You whisper.

He sighs and lets you go. "You know, I can't with you. You hold back so much and you won't let me in." He says in frustration.

You put the stuff on the counter and look at him with worry.

"I want you and I know.. I KNOW you want me, too. Why can't I have you?!" He smiles but is still aggravated.

You gulp and cross your arms. "I'm not good enough for you. All through school, you wanted the skinny girls. You only want me because you imprinted on me." You say quietly.

He starts laughing with anger. "Are you serious?!"

Tears threaten to escape your eyes. He notices and frowns. He pulls you into him and rubs your back. "Nobody will ever compare to you. You're more than your body. And if I didn't imprint on you, I would still think you're fucking hot." He says. "Let me prove it." He pulls away and looks at you.

You smile, hopeful, and touch his cheek. "You mean that?" You ask.

He grabs your waist and picks you up effortlessly. He tosses you on the couch while you giggle. He hovers over you and touches your stomach. "I love this." He smiles. His hand lowers to your outer thigh, and he squeezes. "I love this." He continues to squeeze your thigh. "Oh, the way these will be my pillows." He chuckles. "I love..."His hand moves lower, "may I?" He wants to touch your ass. You nod, and he happily grabs your ass. "Jesus, I love this." He bites his lip and looks over your face. "Most importantly," his hand touches your chest where your heart is rapidly beating, "I love this." He says. "You're absolutely stunning." His eyes scan your features. "I'd show you off to the universe."

You're smiling, blushing, shedding tears, and lowkey screaming inside. Your heart is swollen with love and affection. You never want this to end. Now, you understand, you are perfect for him. You grab the back of his neck and pull him down to your lips.

His lips meet yours, and the kiss is gentle and loving. Your lips move perfectly, and he finally pulls away. "What an amazing kisser." He smirks. "Mine, now?" He asks.

You laugh and nod your head wiping away your tears. "Yes, Paul. I'm yours, now."

[gyusrose]

➵ 5-star michelin -> p.js

⚠︎ smut (mdni) , sprinkle of angst

✎ teacher!jay x student, slight age gap (25 & 23), jay is kinda mean, dom!jay + sub!reader, jealous!jay, praising, dirty talk

summary: achieving your dream of becoming a chef is not easy, even worse when your teacher’s always up your ass.

{btw! i don’t cook like at all so bear with me 🙏}

(non!idol jay x fem.reader)

~ late christmas + new year’s gift *ੈ✩‧₊˚🥂*ੈ✩‧₊˚

wc: 4.2k

you love the kitchen, you pretty much live there day and night. it’s no surprise to anyone that your dream job is eventually becoming a real chef. that’s why you’ve spent almost your whole life perfecting the one skill you’re good at. most of the recipes you use come from your mom. before she passed she left a whole book of recipes in it and what a hell of a good time you had with it.

it helped you cope, that’s what drove it. you feel sad? make something yummy. you feel mad? bake something nice. you feel happy? cool something delicious. your problems seemed to fade away while your cooking.

over the last year, you’ve started attending culinary school. obviously, you’re not perfect and you still need some work on your dishes but you’re not doing too bad to say the least. now though, it’s a new chapter opening for you.

you’ve been wanting to get out of your hometown for a while and move to the city as there were more opportunities down here and to your luck, you got accepted into a (very prestigious) culinary school nearby your apartment, a win-win situation.

like anyone, you were scared, scared to make new friends, scared to meet new people, scared to start from zero, a new place, a new routine. but it’s all for the better.

you sighed as you tied your apron around your waist, almost heading out the door to your first day of school. boxes were still unpacked all around your floor, it was a total mess, you literally slept on the floor last night. it was definitely not the best case scenario for a great morning but eh.

you finally caught your breath trying to calm down grabbing your tote bag and leaving your messy apartment.

the school was no more than five minutes away walking. at least you’re gonna be on time.

your entered the glass doors of the huge white building. the receptionist noticed you, you quickly showed her your ID, which they gave you during your orientation last week. she gave you a nod and you headed into the elevator, pressing the number 13.

your hands were shaking and sweaty. coming into a new school in the middle of the year has got to be the worst scenario for an introvert like you. you finally reached the room where the class will be taking place ( i genuinely don’t know what culinary school is like pls) as soon as you stepped in, all eyes were on you. including the head chef’s.

“you must be the new student right? happy first day you’re late.” one of them spoke, your cheeks couldn’t have become any redder than what they already were. you hated all the attention on you.

late? didn’t class start at 7:30? you thought.

“class started fifteen minutes ago, take a seat and catch up.” almost like he could read your mind he responded.

you muttered a low ‘sorry’ before heading onto an empty seat trying to take as much attention away from you. of course his happens to you.

you gathered all the ingredients you were told to get and set them on the table in front of you. mimicking what the other students were doing. as you weee doing that the chef came up to your side, an evident scowl noticed on his face.

it was until then you realized how handsome he was, he looked very young as well, not someone that you would expect to be a head chef. his jawline was sharper than the knife on your hand. you shook those thoughts away quickly though, he’s your teacher! what are you thinking?

“i’m just letting you know, whatever you did today can’t happen anymore, attendance is very important everyday, this is a very advanced class so you might not want to be missing any of it, got it?” even though he whispered, it felt like he was yelling at you. it was very aggressive and harsh making you flinch.

you quickly nodded, now scared of him even more. suddenly you want to change classes with another chef. finally leaving you let out a big sigh which you were holding in ever since he came over, and resumed cutting your vegetables and stir frying them.

“you need more seasoning on that, it’s too bland!” the chef, which you now you know as ‘Chef Park’ said as he tasted your chicken. you were almost sweating, from the way he speaks and acts, you felt nothing but intimidated by his presence, even more when he’s tasting your first dish for him. throughout the whole lesson today, he seemed to be only picking at you, he didn’t taste any of the other student’s food, only yours. you found it kind of irritating but tried not to think much about it.

“i’ll definitely note that chef.” you smiled at him bowing.

“ i’m expecting a lot from you, ______” he said before heading back to his space.

you were confused. why you? you’re probably the least talented person in this room right now so why you? you had so many questions but decided that maybe you just needed a good nights rest and starting packing up your stuff on your bag.

jay sighed at the empty room in front of him. it was currently 1 am, and he couldn’t find the urge to go home. he was just thinking, thinking about you.

he was the one that read your application into the school, he read your recommendation letters from your past teachers. you were put into his advanced class for a reason.

what he didn’t expect was the glory of a woman that was going to get in that door. it was as if the universe slapped his type right in front of him. that’s what he saw. how could someone look so beautiful in such a simple uniform? he also wonders that.

he can’t let down his demeanor though. yes he finds you attractive, but he can’t soften up just for you, that’s unfair to the rest of the students that have to put up with him. plus he hasn’t forgotten that he’s the teacher and you’re a student, it’s unethical for him to even be thinking of you in that way.

it’s been approximately a month since you’ve started going to this new school and to be honest, it was eating you up. chef park kept nit-picking everything you did, which honestly is what’s. teacher should do but not to that extent. you saw the way he was always looking your way when you were cooking. how he would yell at you across the room when you did something wrong ( even if other people were also doing it) it’s driving you insane to the point that you’re about to actually request for a change of teacher.

you were struggling to cook the steak to chef park’s desired temperature when you felt someone tap your shoulder. you turned your head around to see a boy. if you’re not mistaken his name is jake.

“i see you’re kind of struggling with that, there’s a trick i do that always manages to cook the steak to chef’s park liking. may i?” he asked if he could touch the knobs of your stove. you nodded and he turned the heat to the maximum for a few seconds, turning the steak over on both sides while bathing it in butter , then he turned it to low heat, repeating the same action.

jay obviously noticed this and did not appreciate it. he should be happy seeing another student sharing tips with you but that wasn’t the case this time. without thinking he walked over the two of your laughing figures.

“sim! it’s very inappropriate of you to be talking with your little friend when you should be cooking..”

“oh sorry chef park. i was just giving her a hand. i thought you wouldn’t mind.”

you looked at chef park, noticing his glaring eyes on jake. is it that bad for a student to help another student out?

“well i do! back to your place.” he said not sparing you a glance while jake decided to not respond back and just gave you an apologetic smile before heading off.

“alright everyone, that would be it for today, but don’t forget that by the end of the semester you’re gonna have to cook something of your own, impress me okay? “

as students left you decided to have a word with the chef, wanting to know if he just truly just didn’t like you or if he had a problem with you being here, so you could change chefs.

there was another girl talking to him before you. he acted so different with her, so respectful, kind and smiley. his face sours up every time he’s talking with you, so you barely see him smile and you almost melted at it.

“is there a problem miss ______?”

you jumped out of your other world and looked at him. suddenly feeling shy. you felt your confidence slip away as he was now looking straight at you, waiting for you to speak.

“ well-uh i’ve been noticing how harsh you’re on me compared to the other students, did i do something to cause that?”

jay was taken aback from your straightforwardness, but he responded either way.

“ you just need more toughness out on you _____, do you want to be mediocre?” he was lying through his teeth. jay knew you were if anything, the best of the class, he couldn’t just say that out loud.

you on the other hand, were crushed. was mediocre all he saw in you? have you been lied to by your other teachers?

“ is the yelling necessary though ? there’s way to effectively communicate without yelling.” you hated being yelled at. every time someone raised their voice at you, tears would just fall like a waterfall. thankfully, you’ve managed to hold in your tears during class so chef hasn’t seen you cry.

“are you questioning my teaching skills now? “

shit. now you offended him.

“n-no that’s not what i meant, i just-“

“you don’t think i’m a good teacher ?” he said getting up closer to you, pretty much standing inches in front of you. suddenly you felt your heartbeat fasten.

“i d-do chef, i just kind of find it unfair?” you said, trying to not stutter all your words.

jay smirked, now standing less than a feet in front of you, grabbing your chin and holding it up, making you look straight at him. jay could definitely see your rosy cheeks that you were so embarrassedly trying to hide.

“am i making you nervous miss _____?” you only gulped, you didn’t even know what to respond to that, even though it was bluntly obvious based on your state right now.

the both of you didn’t say anything for a moment, the two just stared at each other, waiting for one to make a move first.

you don’t know exactly where you got the guts to actually make the move. you engulfed your chef into a suffocating kiss. the kiss itself was enough to show how much y’all were yearning for each other. jay was dying to do this ever since he laid his eyes on you, but you on the other hand, didn’t know how much you actually wanted to do this until now. sure you found him handsome and smart and literally perfect but you never expected for him to think of you the same way to the point we’re he’s actually kissing you back and heating up the kiss you once started. his tongue grazed over your lip. his hands moved from your face to your waist, pulling you closer, melting into his embrace. your lips tasted so sweet, jay felt insatiable.

both of you forgot about the fact that this was very much not allowed. the world ceased to exist to exist at that moment. there were no boundaries, no constraints, just the two of you.

jay’s hand traveled down further and further, now down to your ass, giving it a light squeeze. the small action made you moan into his lips. even though your eyes were closed, you could feel him smirking at you.

your own hands travelled along his broad shoulders, down his shoulders. once again, confidence shot through you. your fingertips found their way to his belt buckle, about to undo it when his fingers wrapped around your wrist. stopping your movements.

“see you next class.” that’s all he said before gathering his things and leaving you there. high and dry.

that’s when you woke up. realizing what you were about to do, more like who you were about to do it with.

embarrassed. that’s what you were. he could literally lose his job what were you thinking?!

you let out a shaky sigh and left the empty room. all you need right now is a hot shower and sleep, you need to forget this ever happened. the worse thing is that tomorrow you still have to face him in class.

you knew showing up in the classroom that the two of you almost fucked in yesterday was going to be hard to show your face in. although no one noticed you, you just felt exposed. you refused to make eye contact with jay the whole time. jay definitely noticed this right away. he felt kind of bad in leaving you like that, but he knew that if he stayed there a little longer, he wouldn’t have controlled himself. he did think though, you looked kind of cute all shy and red, avoiding his eyes the whole class.

he took matters to his hands and approached you for the first time today, which was odd since he would’ve already yelled at you for something at this point.

“what are you working on miss ______?” his voice startled you, not even noticing he walked over to you.

“ just finishing the sauce for this.” you shortly said looking down at your food. jay’s stare didn’t leave your face once. and you could feel it very much. it felt hard to breathe at that moment. you have no doubt your face is boiling at his simple presence.

“ look at me when i’m speaking to you.” you didn’t want to. but he was still your teacher and the last thing you want to be is disrespectful so you looked at him. and god you wished you didn’t. those brown eyes have a world of its own. you found yourself staring at him shamelessly, forgetting he was speaking to you.

“are you even listening?” of course you weren’t yet you nodded assuringly.

“great then see you friday night.” you nodded but it took you a moments to realize what he said.

friday night? for what? this is what you get for daydreaming. embarrassingly, you asked him what he meant after you just told him you were listening to what he was saying.

jay chuckled and shook his head at your lie. “ i said if you were coming to the dinner i have set up for the class, since christmas is coming. and you responded yes, so you better be there miss ______.” he said with a smirk, palming your cheek. your eyes widened at his move. you looked around to see if anyone noticed, to your relief no one did as they were too focused on their food. “someone could’ve seen!” you whisper-shouted your chef. he just rolled his eyes and said “ just be there on friday, i have a gift for you.”

the last thing he said before walking away. you were left dumbfounded. what did any of that mean? you didn’t notice that you’ve doesn’t about 10 minutes just standing there thinking until you smelt something burning.

“your meat is overdone _____!!!” jake told you walking up to you turning the stove off.

shit.

you weren’t the one to like social events much. as a teenager, you barely went out with your friends. you were a proud nerd. always focused on school, that’s how you were thought to be, which explains how you’ve only made one friend (jake) ever since been here for months. now you’re gonna be forced to socialize for a whole evening.

you weren’t unprepared thankfully. you brought a couple of classy dresses with you, you could imagine that things like these were gonna happen. you eventually decided on a white silk dress. it was elegant yet comfortable for you. not too short or not too long as well. you decided to not do anything special with your hair and let it down.

you suddenly felt the urge to not go. the last person you want to see is your chef. you don’t see the point of going yet you kept doing your makeup, you just want to change into your pyjamas and lay in bed all night. a ding in your phone caught your attention, revealing a text message from jake.

-I’m here

it seemed like you have to go now. quickly you gathered your things and left your lot.

jay kept waiting and waiting. you was all he was waiting on. a bunch of people kept coming up and talking to him but he didn’t care. girls showed up trying to impress him, but nothing. he wanted you to come up to him, impress him.

what he didn’t expect is you coming in with some company. jake was obviously invited but not as your date, he thought. he could see his hand on your back as he said a few sorry’s for being late due to traffic. jay couldn’t focus on anything but you. what the fuck was jake saying to make you laugh so hard. was that on purpose? to see how he would react? jay couldn’t tell. it didn’t help how beautiful you looked tonight, more than usual. that fucker doesn’t get your beauty like he does.

the whole night jay kept quiet. stealing glances towards you and jake. when someone talked to him he kept his reposes dry. for a moment he could swear you stared at him.

jay didn’t miss when you stood up to go to the bathroom. he obviously took this opportunity to talk to you, if it wasn’t right now then it was never.

you left the bathroom, as a soon as you turned around, you were encaged. your breath hitched seeing who it was.

“c-chef?”

“oh please don’t act all innocent _____, i know what you’re trying to do.”

“i’m sorry..? i don’t know what you’re talking about?”

“coming in here with jake, wearing such tight dress showing off just enough to make me go crazy. do you realize how much power you have over me hm?”

you didn’t know what to respond to that. deep down you loved the way you made him feel. it was planned, at all, but it felt nice knowing how much little effort had an effect on him.

“ it’s not my fault that’s the way you think jay.” honourifics dropped. jay wasn’t expecting that response from you. the alcohol running through your blood was showing at the moment.

jay grabbed your neck and pulled you into a heated kiss. unlike your first kiss, this one was emerged in lust. both of your tongues entangled with each other. your hands rummaged through his hair pulling him closer to you.

all it took was a simple “wanna get out of here?” from jay for you to weaken in the knees, allowing your full submission to him.

“fuck jay, right ther-shit!” so much happened in the last thirty minutes, nothing could’ve prepared you to be eaten out by your teacher at that time.

you don’t even know how jay didn’t crash the car while driving to his house and completely stripping you in seconds. he ate your pussy like he’s been starving for months (which he was) your eyes rolled back, pulling his hair, engulfing him into you, wrapping your legs around his neck. jay was in fucking bliss.

“shit baby, you’re such a mess, so fucking sensitive.” he said pulling away from your cunt, earning a whine from you.

“such a desperate little brat. tell me, what do you want baby.” he said caressing your lips. you couldn’t stop biting them. from your angle, you could see everything of him. his sharp eyes staring down at you, his biceps, his chest, his abs, fuck you could cum right there.

“fuck me jay, i want you to use me.” unlike other instances, you didn’t break eye contact making him moan before grabbing your thighs and spreading them around his pelvis. your core was dying for his cock, it was noticible from how swollen it was.

jay rubbed his head along your folds before looking up at you for reassurance. you nodded, desperate written all over your face.

the first thrust in you was insane. the stretch felt like he was ripping up your insides. it was painful, a good type of pain. “fuck you’re so fucking big jay.” jay only groaned. he couldn’t even say anything, this was better than anything he could ever imagine.

once he was fully in he started to move in and out of your core, grabbing your waist, feeling himself in you. the crude sounds coming out of the both of you echoed throughout the house. jay’s hands played with your tits while you grabbed his waist, making sure he stays inside you as much possible.

“shit you’re so tight, that’s pussy’s all mine ain’t it?” his hand left your tits and started rubbing your clit while his thrusts turned very hostile you couldn’t even form words from the immense amount of pleasure.

“yes yes, it’s all your baby.”

jay didn’t think it could get better than this, but it did.

he flipped you over, now on all-fours, back arched. not wasting any time in fucking you from behind. he groped your ass, leaving his hand marks all over them.

you were about to explode when a ring could be heard, more specifically from your phone. you looked over it on the night stand seeing ‘jake’ displayed on the screen. shit you completely forgot that you just left him at the restaurant. you could call him back lat-

“answer it.” jay said from behind you sternly, fucking you even deeper.

“i don’t think i ca-“

“answer the fucking phone, it must be important.” as much as he didn’t like jake, it turned him on the way you could barely breath let alone speak while he’s fucking you restlessly.

you could barely talk but you managed to grab the phone and answer it, trying to sound as normal as possible.

“ sorry jake, i just wasn’t-hmp feeling well.” your hand went over your mouth to stop you from moaning into the phone. jay was just laughing in the background at your state right now.

“yea yea i-i’m so sorry, have f-fun though.” you nodded at his last sentence before hanging up and glaring at jay from behind you.

“fuck you!” you said then slamming your head into the pillow letting out muffled moans.

“i’m quite literally doing that baby.” you rolled your eyes in pleasure and annoyance. your orgasm was very close, even jay could feel the way you clench around him.

“fuck i’m cumming, so fucking close.” your weak voice said .

jay was on the same boat, he would’ve cum way earlier but it just felt so damn good, he wanted to treasure every moment.

“me too baby, c’mon cum all over my dick, do it baby.” that’s exactly what you did. your body twitched at the sudden feeling. your body going limp.

jay was also on edge, with a few more thrust he pulled out of you and came all over your back moaning in the process.

after the two of you balanced your breathing, jay laid next to you caressing your hair, the both of you were just giggling like little kids.

“so this was the gift you were talking about?”

[zombyjuice]

NOBODY BETTER THAN YOU! - eunseok.🍨🦷🐆🍦 t(>.<t)

In which your boyfriend you recently just got back together with is coming over for the first time since.

bf!eunseok x fem loser!reader

toxic relationship, fluff, angst, smut! suggestions to the reader having depression (NOT ROMANIZING.) suggested cheating. etc..

so many things inspired/helped me make this so I’m just gonna . @melobin and @anquelic on insta and my playlist below took inspo from there too <33 lol!

“Eunseoks here…” one of your roommates sneered from the other side of the door you could almost feel the face they gave eachother. You hop up and rush to open your door with a wide smile on your face “Hey baby” your boyfriend, walking towards you, a hand in one pocket and a bag of Burger King in the other an extremely attractive smile on his face “hii” you practically melted pulling him into your room and hugging him tight.

“Please don’t fuck yet! Give it a week!”

“shut the fuck up!”

He chuckled kissing your forehead and pinching your sides, you loved it when he did that, made you feel so safe you could practically feel your heart melt watching his movements as he placed the bag on your table.

That feeling goes away in an instant as you watch him sigh as he moves some of your clutter to the side. This made your heart flutter with sadness and your brain go a bit fuzzy.

He understands you more than anybody really, he’s patient and he does seem to care for you, he understood all those months before you guys were ever official you’d disappear trying to decide if he’s the one and if you should give him the chance.

He understood the nights where you’d just sit in silence not wanting to be touched or talked to, and he understood the nights you guys would be talking like normal only for you to start crying out of nowhere, or the nights you’d scream and push him losing your temper only to end up in his arms letting him watch you crumble under him. “It’s okay baby, it’s okay I've got you, doing so well for daddy” “‘m not mad at you, okay pretty, it's okay”. He understood the nights when you were finally your silly self after spending a weekend alone.

He understood all your quirks and interests. Once he dragged you to one of his sets because he remembered someone working on it had a dog who understood multiple languages, remembering your rather odd fascination with it how. can they do that? And watching as you said sit to the dog in Spanish, French, and Japanese, complete shock and happiness painted on your face as you laughed and laughed, adoration painted on his.

So how is it that you caught him multiple times all over the girl, the same girl he had a pass with, rumor has it they were “casually” sleeping together before you ever entered the picture you know it was deeper than that. To him “it wasn’t that big of a deal and he was just being nice.” You had to constantly shift your morals just so you could be happy with him, he knew you hated it, he knew the disgust you felt with yourself every time you’d go back with him. But you loved him so it's alright.

You knew the irritation and anger that bubbled up inside of him when you'd ask “Are you unhappy in our relationship?” or “Am I annoying you? I'm sorry” but he loves you so he's got to deal with it, right?

And no matter how many times you believed he cheated he was stable, nothing in your life is stable but him. So maybe that’s why you feel you always go back to him. And only him. Because, to you, there's nobody better than him.

He turned to you already able to read your face “It's alright, today's our lazy Sunday isn't it? We'll clean a bit tomorrow but for now, cmere let's lie down”

The smile that was once on your face came back and you gladly took his hand as he led you to your bed and cozy. Watching some of your favorite horror movies and munching on Burger King you between his legs a hands squishing your thighs and head dropping down to your neck every now and then to suck a hickey at your favorite spots your hands would grab at his knees as you whimper and giggle. “quit it, they’re finally escaping”. He'd quietly pout and slightly rut his hips up against you visibly hard.

{2:49 am}

Your eyes meet your boyfriends and grab at his hand that's hitching up your inner thigh, yours visibly smaller “Should we play some-” he smashed his lips against yours, your first actual kiss of the night “fuck I know we said we wouldn't do anything, but shit you look so good, sound so good, need to fuck my babies in you, make you mine forever” he grabbed at your neck and slid it down to your arm, manhandling you under him.

You could only submit to him, knowing this would have happened by the end of the “night”.

“Can’t believe I spent so many Sundays without you, felt so wrong, I’ve missed you so much” he'd moan against your lips grabbing at your thighs and aggressively pushing them up as he grinds against you, whimpers slipping out of you “missed you so much more” you’d whisper mind going elsewhere remembering exactly why you spent so many night away from each other’s grasp.

“Let me fuck away all that nonsense,only have you think about this cock” as if he could read your mind “please”.

And just like that he’d do exactly what he said.

[lonesome-sometimes]

wheels on the bus

I promise I don’t have a thing for matty being a married man this was just a very real experience for me minus most of it

suddenly a man climbs on and interrupts, giving a series of apologies to both the driver and the people he kept waiting. you would be annoyed if he wasn’t so hot, tight black jumper and unruly curls sitting on his head like a halo. suddenly, the woman from before is waving him down towards the back of the bus and your heart sinks.

that’s her fucking husband?

matty healy x female reader

content warnings: face fucking, sub matty, teasing, semi-public sex, cheating, age gap

minors do not interact!

If you knew that you would be stuck on a bus for as long as you were, you wouldn’t have even bothered travelling but the world seemed to hate you that day and was throwing every possible obstacle towards you.

luckily for you, the seat next to you had managed to stay empty for most of the trip which was always a blessing. you were pulling into the second stop of the journey when you quickly realised that was about to come to an end, the queue far too long with too little seats left.

you force yourself to seem as unapproachable as possible when you feel someone tap your shoulder, turning to see a dark haired woman smiling at you almost condescendingly. you pull one side of your headphones to the side so it sits behind your ear, still looking at her dumbfounded. you weren’t in the mood, your day had been long enough.

“Is it okay if my husband sits here? he’s coming now, he just is putting our bags away but I’m going to sit in front of this seat and I want to be able to sit near him. my husband won’t be a bother-“ every word went in one ear and out of the other, the word husband suddenly becoming the worst word in the entire dictionary and the shiny diamond on her finger painfully obvious. how charming.

you nod, turning your body and sliding your headphones back on for the simple pleasure of drowning out most of the noise of the other passengers, your music staying paused. the driver stands up, a tall man who seemed far too young and cool looking to be stuck driving some bus on a saturday. “I know this situation isn’t really ideal for anybody, but I promise to speed and get you all where you need to be. please just shout at me if you need anything, my name is george and-“ suddenly a man climbs on and interrupts, giving a series of apologies to both the driver and the people he kept waiting. you would be annoyed, feeling deserving of an apology to if he wasn’t so hot, tight black jumper and unruly curls sitting on his head like a halo. you turn your attention to the woman from before, waving him down towards the back of the bus and your heart sinks.

that’s her fucking husband?

his face lights up at the sight of her, making his way down towards where the empty seat is and sliding down next to you. he shoots you a quick, kind smile before turning his full attention to his wife to your dismay, leaning over the top of her seat and stroking her hair. the whole situation was just sad really, he was far too good for her but you can see why she was so obsessed with using the word husband beforehand.

you were in for the hardest two hours of your life.

you couldn’t even focus on your music, abandoning it all together and hour into the drive in favour of hearing his hushed voice instead. he was currently resting his chin on the top of her seat, eyes crinkling as he smiled at something she said. he pushed a hand through his hair, the sleeves of his jumper pushing up slightly to reveal some tattoos on his wrists causing your eyes to widen, becoming curious as to how many tattoos he had and where.

another hour of torture goes by, the man next to you seeming to be so sickly in love that it started to make you somewhat mad. he was fully leaning around her seat now, his face close to hers as they talked quietly. you decided to just try and ignore them alltogether, reopening spotify when you hear him speak.

“radiohead? great choice! I didn’t know they were still popular with the kids these days.” you turn to see him smiling at you, not even realising he had moved and being absolutely dumbfounded that he’s suddenly speaking to you. he laughs nervously, rubbing the back of his neck causing you to notice the crinkles by his eyes for the first time. “god, that makes me sound so old doesn’t it? sorry I wasn’t meaning to bother you-“

“no!” you suddenly exclaim, realising how crazy you sounded. you regain your composure, side eyeing his wife who was not in her seat. he must notice your curiosity because he speaks up again. “we’re stopping for a bathroom break, the kids on board must have been pissing the driver off, do you want me to move?” he attempts to stand but you grab his wrist, pulling him back down.

“I’m good, thank you for letting me know.” you try and sound as sweet as possible, smiling softly while rubbing the soft material of his jumper between your fingertips. “you’re not bothering me at all, you’re actually the first person I’ve spoke to all day.”

he looks down at your hand on his jumper and you swear you see a blush spread across his face, a stray curl falling forward as he does. you start feeling a little lightheaded, almost letting your thoughts get the better of you. you drop his jumper, moving to push the curl back away from his face but he moves too suddenly, shaking his head to organise his thoughts.

you turn to see his wife climbing back on the bus, that condescending smile from before returning as she sees you both. they start chatting again, forcing you to return back to your petty mood and making a show of it, crossing your arms and letting your music flow through your ears. you through two minutes of karma police before you physically cannot take it anymore, pulling your headphones off and turning to the couple next to you.

“I’m so sorry if I’m overstepping, but you guys are just so cute together. how long have you been married?” you smile too wide to be genuine, voice sickly sweet as your attention focuses solely on the man. his wife leans around her seat and looks at you like you had offended her, but takes the opportunity to obsess over the word husband once more.

“well my husband and I have actually been married for about three years, is that right matty? I think so.” she smiles at him, playing with his fingers awaiting his answer. you don’t really care what she has to say, the name matty bouncing around your brain and how it would sound coming off of your tongue. he continues to look at you, completely taken back by your boldness before clearing his throat.

“yeah we erm, we have been married a while now. we actually just got back from our two year anniversary vacation, you should know that darling.” he speaks to her, almost seeming sad that she had forgotten. she just laughs, announcing that milestones mean nothing so long as she has him. you could almost feel your eyes rolling back into your head and not in the way you were imagining.

he smiles awkwardly at you. they went back to talking between themselves, your brain racing with ideas and images. you think for a little while, coming up with a truly awful plan. you had found something you wanted and with the day you were having you deserved some excitement.

you wait a few minutes, waiting for the right moment before beginning. “I’m sorry, I just need to grab my charger in my bag. I’ll just-“ you stand up, causing matty and his wife to stop talking and look up at you as you begin to climb over his legs. you silently thank the driver for suddenly going over a bump in the road, causing you to trip and fall directly into his lap.

his hands fly up out of instinct, grabbing your waist and holding you there for a moment. you can feel the bulge in his pants pressing up against you, moving so your hips grind down on him as you stand up again. “god, matty! I am so sorry! I lost my balance, I’ll just grab my charger and I’ll stop being a bother, again I’m so sorry to interrupt.” you lie through your teeth, reaching up to grab your charger out of your bag in the overhead compartment while making sure your tshirt rides up directly in front of his face, exposing your lower stomach and a strip of your lace underwear that was hidden beneath your pants. you pretend to look for your charger for a good few minutes, giving him a show as you did.

you eventually find what you were looking for, making eye contact with him as you climb back over into your seat. you bite your lip as you look down at his crotch, the bulge more prominent than before. you feel powerful, causing a married man to fold at practically nothing.

you get comfortable again, scrolling through instagram when he suddenly speaks for the first time in the last twenty minutes. “god, when did it get so fucking hot in here?” he laughs sheepishly again, pulling his jumper over his head and shoving it in his lap to cover up his problem.

granting you your wish, you could finally see the wrist tattoos from before as well as the many others. his arms were toned, covered in artwork that looked so beautiful and hot at the same time. his curls had become messy through his hands constantly playing with it and the jumper being pulled over.

the bus keeps driving for another ten minutes, the longest ten minutes of both yours and his life, before pulling in at another service station. george stands up, announcing that the bus would be here for thirty minutes and that if you weren’t back in time he would drive off and leave you, causing the kids at the front who must be driving him mad to giggle and pull faces.

matty suddenly stands up, announcing to his wife that he was running to the bathroom and to grab them both a snack, urging her to stay there. perfect.

you let him get a five minute head start before standing up, not even acknowledging the woman as you make your way off the bus and towards the bathrooms where you see matty push the door open. you rush after him, causing the the door to fly open. you both stand in the middle of the service station bathroom, the tension thick and heavy in the air.

he swallows, rubbing his arm and avoiding your eyes as he speaks up first. “can…can I help you?” he asks, his voice coming out strained and broken which only causes you to giggle. you move further into the room, crowding him up against the tiled wall.

“I’m not sure matty, can I help you at all?” you smirk, lips so close to his own as you speak you could feel the shaky breaths on your face. he swallows again, eyes avoiding yours as he shakes his head.

“I’m married, I shouldn’t be…” he trails off as you push your body up against his, cocking your head to the side as you lick your lips and grab the shape of his cock through his pants. he lets out a breath, relaxing against the wall as you start stroking him through the fabric softly. interesting.

“I’m sorry, you were saying?” you ask innocently, knowing what you were doing by now, the effect you were having on him. he closes his eyes, letting his head hit the tile with a thud before he looks down at you through his lashes. up close, he’s so much prettier than you had realised. you wanted to ruin him and have him ruin you at the same time.

“please.” he breathes out, taking you by surprise as he pushes his hips up until your hand and parts his lips. “please just touch me.” he begs, and how could you say no to that?

you move your head and steal his lips in a soft kiss, his lips parting instantly and letting you control the situation. this isn’t what you were picturing when he first stepped onto the bus, but after the mood you had been in you can’t say you’re unsatisfied with the turn of events. you move to unzip his trousers, shoving them down his legs and pulling his cock out of his underwear.

fucking hell. you weren’t expecting that.

he breaths are heavy, eyes wide as he waits patiently for you to do something. you think for a moment, deciding what you want to do with the little time you had. you started mouthing at his jaw being careful not to leave any marks to save him some face, his neck and down his torso until you’re forced to get on your knees so that you’re face to face with his leaking cock.

he leans his head back against the wall again, his hands finding refuge in your hair as he lets out a choked moan at the sight of you on your knees for him. If only you had more time, you’d spend hours torturing him, his sweet breathy moans quickly becoming your favourite sound.

that doesn’t mean you couldn’t have a little fun right now.

“I thought you were married, hm? your poor little wife, sitting on that bus completely unaware that her husband of two years is letting a young, innocent girl get him off. don’t you feel bad?” you tease, lips ghosting the tip of his cock as you speak. he quickly shakes his head, hands moving from your hair to form fists at his sides.

“she…she doesn’t do this for me. we haven’t even…just please?” he begs, his revelation music to your ears. “you don’t know how long it’s been since I…she won’t have sex with me, something to do with-“ he moans as you wrap your lips around his cock, letting the weight of it sit on your tongue as you savour the taste.

you slap his thigh lightly, a silent order for him to keep speaking as you start to suck his cock slowly. “oh fuck, something to do with staying pure…an act of celibacy or some bullshit but I really do love her, I promise.” he continues, emphasising the really with a thrust of his hips, causing his cock to hit the back of your throat, fluttering around him as he whines.

you pull off his length with a pop, lipgloss smeared around the tip of it as you work him with your hand. “that’s such a shame, you’re far too pretty for that. you sound so sweet. If only you were mine, I’d do so much to you.” you lick away precum that had gathered at his tip again, kissing it softly and pulling back again. “hm, how about I let you fuck my throat, since you’ve been such a good boy for me? you deserve to use me, no need to be shy.” you wink, moving your arms behind your back and letting your lips fall open and ready.

he stares at you, completely taken back by what you just offered. he lets himself think for a moment, about the morality of the situation, before shaking his head and grabbing his cock again and shoving it past your lips. clearly deciding that there was no time for questioning his moral compass as he moans loudly, feeling more free as he begins to fuck your throat. he picks up his pace, holding your hair as he whispers sweet nothings like you’re so good for me and so much better than she could ever be, even going as far as to wipe away the tears that had formed around your eyes and saying please don’t cry, you’re too pretty baby, I’m sorry

his hips begin to stutter, a sign that he’s almost there. “please, please let me cum down your throat, I need to cum please let me-” he begs through broken sobs, waiting for a nod of your head before he’s spilling down your throat, his groans echoing around the empty bathroom.

you pull off his cock, his body slumped against the wall as you show him your white covered tongue, swallowing his cum only causing him to moan again. he was such a boy, and you couldn’t really blame him considering what he had just told you. you decide to be nice, tucking him back into his underwear and pulling his pants back up his legs, going as far as to button them back up for him and placing a chaste kiss to his lips.

“I genuinely don’t think I can move away from this wall.” he admits, blush creeping up his cheeks again as he brings his thumb up to wipe the smeared lipgloss from your face. “thank you for that, and I erm…fuck, I’m sorry? I feel bad that I didn’t-” he says, gesturing towards you.

you shake your head and smile, giggling softly. “don’t worry about me, it seems like you have enough to deal with.”

“you could say that.” he laughs back, checking the time on his watch and letting out a sigh of relief to see that you still had five minutes before you really needed to be back, knowing his kind, thoughtful wife would hold the bus up if needs be. “we still have five minutes, if you really want me to do anything?”

you shake your head again, pulling his hand up into yours and playing with his fingers the same way his wife had done on the bus not long ago, sliding his wedding ring off and on. “I think I’d rather learn more about you? If that’s okay?”

he smiles down at you again and nods, eyes crinkling as he says “well I never actually got to talk to you about radiohead…”

[folkloresthings]

[ regretful ] + lando norris maybeeee ? <3

p.s i absolutely adore your writing 💞

[ regretful ] for a kiss meant to apologise with lando norris.

it was a very nice restaurant, you had to admit. you had asked charles for a recommendation, since you and lando were both new to monaco, and he’d given you the name of his favourite place. it was expensive sure, but you had decided lando deserved a nice night out. he’d been working non—stop since you moved, you’d barely seen him, so at the first chance of an evening off you booked the restaurant.

it felt less and less like a nice restaurant the longer you sat, alone, waiting for your boyfriend to appear. you suddenly felt incredibly self—conscious, amongst the glitz and glamour, the dress you had picked out looking progressively worse in your eyes the longer you felt people looking at you.

lando had agreed to meet you there at seven, after his meetings, and it was now sixteen minutes past eight. he wasn’t answering his texts, and you were sure you might cry from embarrassment if the waiter asked you “are you still waiting on someone?” one more time.

“i’m sorry, there seems to have been an emergency,” you lied, making your apologies to the hostess, before slipping out of the restaurant with burning cheeks. it wouldn’t have been half as bad if you hadn’t heard the whispers of nearby tables mentioning who you were, who your boyfriend was. monaco was smaller than you thought, and now people knew you’d been stood up by lando norris, top formula one driver.

when you arrived back at your apartment, it was cold and empty. there was no sign of lando, in person or on your phone. your new dress discarded in a corner, you pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and an old mclaren sweater, wallowing on the couch with yesterdays leftovers and gossip girl playing on the television.

the door clicked open around eleven o’clock, and you heard lando hurry in, slightly out of breath from his rush home. you clicked pause on your episode, turning to look coldly at him over the back of the sofa.

“i waited an hour for you,” you told him, before he could spout excuses. “an hour of pity from the waiters and whispers from stupid people sat next to me. it was embarrassing, lando.”

“i’m sorry,” he whispered, dropping his bag and stalking over to the couch. “the meetings were hectic and i just lost track of time and then it was too late. i’m so sorry, love.”

you bit down hard on your lip, the tears that had been threatening to spill all night finally taking liberty. lando sighed, his stomach twisting. he hated the sight of you crying, always had.

“i just wanted one night,” you manage to choke out, curling into yourself. “but you’re always so busy. we’ve lived here for three months and haven’t spent any time together, lando.”

lando winced, the months catching up on him. squeezing next to you, he pulls your frame into his lap and holds you close, mind racing with ways to make it up to you. he’d been so busy, he’d forgotten to prioritise you — the love of his life. the person who gave up everything to move out here with him, because he’d asked you to.

“listen to me,” he murmured, making you look up at him with big, wet eyes. “i love you so much. i know i’ve been awful recently at showing it, but i do. i’m going to take some time off, i don’t care what anyone says, and we’re going to spend every day together. okay?”

you nod, wiping at your eyes. lando smiles, though it’s full of sadness, and hooks his knuckle under your chin to raise you lips to his. tender and loving, pouring everything he couldn’t say into one kiss, softly sucking at your bottom lip.

“you make it really hard to stay mad at you,” you pout, gazing up at his doe eyes. he smiles, that boyish, toothy smile that makes your chest swell.

“i love you too, baby.”

[jocelynscrazyideas]

Frosty Night || ❄️☃️

John Marino x fem reader

-a ficsmas fic-

(Not proof read)

⋆❅⋆⍋⋆❅⋆ ⋆❅⋆⍋⋆❅⋆ ⋆❅⋆⍋⋆❅⋆ ⋆❅⋆⍋⋆❅⋆ ⋆❅⋆⍋⋆❅⋆

The warm breeze hits my face. I’ve lived up north all my life, I’ve never had a Christmas with no snow. It’s wierd to me now that I don’t have to shovel before I leave for work, or heat my house up before going to bed.

It’s never occurred to me that people live this way. Hot Christmas mornings, no hot chocolate to warm you up after a snowball fight, and most importantly there aren’t any snowmen.

John and I are still getting used to Utah. I think I liked New Jersey more, but I think I could get used to this.

“Hey y/n! Come down here please!” John calls for me from downstairs in the kitchen. I almost feel his excitement from upstairs in our room.

For your information, John and I have been dating for two years and six months. I can tell you what John is thinking about, or if he is mad/sad. He’s a pretty easy going guy. Not too difficult, not too easy, not too middle. He’s just right.

My footsteps get louder as I run down the stairs to meet the 6”2 man. He, of course he has his grey beanie on. I’m guessing he didn’t take care of his curls. John turns around from the kitchen island, his toothless smile glimmers from the overhead lights.

“Aw how cute!” I giggle, running up to John’s chest.

John has this cute white pj set in his hands, they have green Christmas trees printed on them, and have the words, “ho ho ho” on them. I take them and set them to the side. He must have matching ones in the room for later. I peak over at our small-empty room we call our living room. We haven’t lived in this home for a while, but it’s starting to feel lived in. Lots of memories-just not a lot of life. Even our Christmas tree is dead.

The small fake tree is shinning a warm yellow light, illuminating the darkened room. Only a few presents are visible under the tree, our kitchen is filled with Christmas decor, and secret unwrapped gifts for eachother.

Good thing our home is pretty empty, because John and I are hosting the team Christmas party. John bought alcohol, and ingredients to make eggnog, I baked a few delicious treats and made some homemade gift bags for everyone. I made sure the WAGs had personal hygiene products and my favorite picture of the women all together.

John helped me finish decorating the house, and we waited for the team to all make an appearance. The first couple ti show up were Sean Durzi and his girlfriend Sadie. They brought in a fresh apple pie and their gifts.

“I know you said no additional snacks, but I’m sure the other guys are bringing their favorite holiday food.” Sean walks over to me, he hugs me hard. He twirls me away from John. My back now facing my boyfriend and Durzi’s face is probably making a weird grin-trying to make John jealous.

John pulls Sean off of me, and holds me in his arms. John has rather large biceps, in fact they make me feral.

I hold onto John’s arm, “hey baby? Can we play some music. It’s too quiet in here for a party.” I look up at John and John kisses my forehead.

“Sure.” And he leaves me alone with Sadie and Sean. Within a few minutes we hear music flood the house.

The house has built in speakers, they run through almost every room, and we can even isolate the sounds. John played a classic Mariah Carey tune, and I greet the new incoming guests.

~

My cookies were a hit. Many people took them, and lots of people took John’s eggnog. Unfortunately, more people took Durzi’s apple pie.

The party is coming to a chill relaxing night. People are sharing stories, the ladies are getting to know eachother. The boys are being stupid and discussing crazy plays they’ve seen in their career.

Sadie mentioned Sean needing pre-game cuddles because he has bad anxiety, “yeah. His anxiety is super bad. Sometimes I have to calm him down by driving him to the rink, and if it gets worse I have to hold him down. I also have to cuddle him to bed for his pre-game naps.”

All of the girls giggle and stare at Sean. Honestly, I can’t see him the same. He just looks like a big cuddle bear now. Almost gives me the idea of cuddling John right now.

We exchange our Secret Santa gifts.

I had Sean. Sean had Keller, Keller had Nick abd Nick had John. John had Maverick, and Maverick had me.

I got a super cute camera and a bag of candy. Really affordable and practical. What a sweet kid Mav is.

~

John is getting pretty tipsy off of his alcohol he bought earlier. I told him I want to go to bed soon, and he needs to “kick them out” and John immediately kissed my cheek and grabbed the pj set he suprised me with. I ran to the bathroom to change into them. They feel so soft and comfortable. I come out to the living room expecting everyone to be there on the couch.

No one was there.

It’s not just an idea now, it’s a desire to cuddle my cuddle bear.

All of the cars were backing out of the driveway. Our porch light was off. The door was locked. Music off.

The only person in the living room was John. He’s wearing matching pajamas to my set. Cute!!

“Hey baby.” He walks up to me. Rapidly he pulls me close. We dance to no music. Just the sound of love. He laughs as he pulls me in for a kiss.

I stick my tounge in his mouth. As a joke I tickle the spot his tooth is supposed to be. Unfortunately he pulled away and slapped my ass. He walks to the kitchen to clean up. Watching him put the food and desserts away makes me feel so maternal.

“Johnny?” I sat down on the blue velvety couch. “I love you.” I smiled, not just sitting on the couch now, but laying on my back. I cover my face with my hands in embarrassment.

*It’s not that big of a deal. We’ve been together for a while. It doesn’t matter. -I tell myself.*

“I love you back.” He drunkly answered. He smiled and sucked on his teeth. I see him trying push his lips together, pursing them forward- alsmot like he’s puckering up. He stops smiling, making it seem like he’s not getting butterflies.

I sit up and walk over to him. My pj shorts ride up my ass. I forgot to mention I don’t have anything on underneath.

I hug John from behind as he wiped the kitchen counter off. The house looks like it did from before.

Clean, empty, lifeless…. bland.

John walks to the trash. Throwing away the wipe he used, he waddles over to the sink, at a pace for me to follow behind him as I am still wrapped around him.

I kiss his back- because that’s as far as I can reach. He shakes his shoulders out as he gets tense. My hands trail lower, making a path to his cock. But I pass it. John washes his hands, and he starts to make a little noises, like he’s anticipating that I turn him around and starts sucking on him.

I don’t.

I get up from my position, and walk away. John runs after me, turning the lights off and double checking the door is locked. “Y/n!” He calls after me. I make my way up the stairs to our bedroom.

I flip the blanket over on our bed, and jump into it, “come lay with me.” I slap John’s side of the bed. John’s matching pajama pants flail all over the place while he makes and effort to jump over my legs.

My back is pressed up against our headboard, John’s head is laying in my lap. A pillow in his arms. He just wants to warm up. I play ‘Home Alone’ on the TV we have on our dresser. The room is dark. The house is empty. The only source of light that floods our room is the TV.

John’s beanie falls off. My lap catching his warm hat, I throw it over to his nightstand. He rubs his hands on my knee. He aligns to my sitting position. “I love you more.” He kissed my lap, he crawls to my chest as my back slides down the headboard. I lay horizontally across the bed. My feet hanging on my side of the bed and mh head at John’s side. Stretching across the bed too js my sweet boy. John crawls up to my chest, facing me.

My boobs fall out of the small pajama tank top. John forces his face into my chest, my boob as his weird pillow. I play with his hair. And he falls asleep first. His soft skin as precious lips melt in my hands. I kiss him and whisper how much i appreciate him.

“Goodnight my love. I love you to the moon and back.” I whisper while I turn the TV off. John rolls in closer to me. The blanket on John more than it is on me. For some reason I’m okay with that for tonight.

I fall asleep to his natural scent.

[hana-no-seiiki]

RECREATIONAL

THIRD PART TO FEROZEVE SERIES : [PREVIOUS] [MASTERLIST] [NEXT?]

YANDERE POP IDOL! OC x MANAGER! READER x YANDERE ROCKSTAR SMUT

tw/cw: reader uses gn pronouns but has a dicc, unprotected seggs, unrealistic seggs, anal seggs. switch! reader, switch! eve, gong! feroze. dub/non con.

status: unedited.

thank you hubby @moyazaika for letting me use your son again, and for the voters that picked this fic (🤰🏻) in the emoji poll.

By pressing the Keep Reading button you are confirming that you’re 18 and above + consent to seeing dark / sexual content.

“Mx. Ma-na-ger~ !” Eve drawled as he glomped you from behind. Despite not hearing what he had to say or do aside from assaulting you with hugs, you were already dreading the next moments of your life.

“Eve, no.” You tried slipping away but are unfortunately unable to defeat hours of dance routines and gyms sessions Eve had to go through as a part of his training and work.

“But Mx. Ma ↗ na ↘ ger ↗ ! ! ! ” His pitch fluctuated as you had resorted to shaking him off instead.

“Eve, I already told you that I’m busy.”

And then he pouted.

You see, when an idol like the Jisoo Han pouts it is almost as if the entire universe has ended. It’s like the feeling you’d get when every puppy or god forbid every kitten dies. The feeling of utter sadness so insurmountable you almost crumble to your knees.

Eve had the power to create smiles and laughter across the globe, but he also had the power to completely destroy any semblance of happiness from a person. You knew that power very well.

You pinch the bridge of your nose, desperately attempting not to cringe or cry from his actions.“Fine. I’ll be free next evening. Don’t. Bother. Rosy.”

You thought he’d be satisfied with your answer but he only pouts even harder.

You sighed. This absolute man-child. “. . . Soo.”

He immediately flicks back to his cheery self. A boyish grin on his face as he separated himself from you and skipped away. “Okay~! I’ll see ya soon.”

That was way too easy. Oh god. What could that demon be thinking of?

As soon as he left, another one of your man-children came into your office. Groaning, he plopped himself atop one of your bean bag chairs.

Feroze doesn’t utter a word, and you could tell that his hangover had been a pain to deal with. Usually he’d already be all over you. It sort of reminded you of how he was during your early days with him. Still, he made the effort to show up despite the massive migraine he should be feeling right now.

“I—“ You started, but you are unable to finish your words as he’d already beat you to the chase.

“I love you, really love you, but if your next words are I told you so. Just don’t.”

Darn, he knew you too well. Time to take a different approach to asserting your correctness.

“Well you know what they say—“

“I’m going out to eat.” He seemingly teleported in front of you, flicking your forehead. And then, he was out. Just poof. Disappeared.

You stared at the hangover medicine you prepared for him located in the drawer of your desk, and humphed, “. . .He didn’t even let me finish.”

There are many stages of love in Urdu and Arab world. Attraction, love and even death, but infatuation; عشق (ishq) was what Feroze identified with. Literally speaking it just meant love. Symbolically however, it meant so, so much more.

It was both all of love in itself and a stage of it. It was above the notion of logic or sense. Just as how he felt with you.

❝

Ishq Nazuk-Mizaj Hai Behad (Love has a delicate disposition)

Aql Ka Bojh Utha Nahin Sakta (It cannot bear burden of logic)

❞

As an Urdu poet Akbar Allahabadi would say.

Feroze’s entire existence revolved around yours. He breathed for you, he’d die for you. The biggest regret in his life was how he didn’t meet you sooner, didn’t treat you the way you were supposed to sooner.

Feroze wasn’t actually mad or even annoyed by your words earlier. He could never, ever have such feelings towards you. He just needed an excuse to follow Eve. As to why he didn’t just do that? Well he had to see your face that morning to cleanse himself, of course. One look at you per day and all the negative energy in his life seemed to just fade away.

“Mr. Khan! How’s the hangover?” Speaking of negative energy.

Eve and him had been bonding quite well over the past few weeks. It was a miracle in itself. Despite the former’s overt interest in Feroze’s manager, he found the boy too cute to be murdered in his sleep. He had this ‘baby-ghorl’ aura about him that Feroze couldn’t help but be amused with. The rockstar could see why this idol had so many fans.

Eve approached him, his usually sparkly grin covered by the dark mask his disguise included. Promotional material for their collab had already been released to the public and has thus put them in the spotlight once more. Trying to go to that bar last night was already hell in the first place, meeting in a cafe where anyone could see them? That was just a wish for death.

Eve slid a small glass bottle that looked a lot like those syrups they marketed for younger kids. Or poison, one or the other.

Without a word, Feroze downed the liquid. And then immediately regretted his decision, hacking at the taste of it all, “What did you just give to me?”

“A hangover cure. Those usually don’t taste good no matter what country I go to. I knew you were a lightweight but I barely got to drink before you —“ Eve halted his bullying as soon as he saw the deathly glare Feroze threw at him.“Fine~ Fine! I’m sure Mx. Manager already made fun of your situation.”

Feroze turned his hazel eyes to the bottle.

“You spiked my drink, didn’t you?”

Eve doesn’t freeze up, he doesn’t even flinch, not a sign of guilt could be found on him. Feroze wouldn’t be surprised if the ravenette actually didn’t feel a hint of remorse for what he did. He acknowledges the boy’s fearless attitude. “I’m sorry?”

“I said, you spiked my drink didn’t you? Last night. I saw you put it in, but decided you could have a little fun with your ex-manager.” He emphasized your current status, that being out of Eve’s employment and in his. “So, did you?”

Eve twirled a lock of his bangs, avoiding eye contact. His ears had turned completely red. The usual glow about him somewhat dissipated. “Not enough.”

Feroze who was much less careful about his reputation and actions took Eve’s hand in his and held it, tightly. His callused fingers contrasted greatly to Eve’s soft, moisturized hands. “Well, we can’t have our Soo here feeling unsatisfied do we?” He massaged each finger vigorously while simultaneously keeping it as still as possible.

“What’s the catch? You wouldn’t just give away the love of your life away. Would you?”

“No. You’re right. I would never. But the benefits outweigh the negatives. I believe this collaboration of ours will help everyone in the long run.”

“Deal.”

“Deal.”

You loved schedules and planning. It was everything to you. It’s why you worked as a manager for all these years. The intricacies of time management gave you a rush you could not explain. Perhaps this emotion was akin to what Feroze confessed to feeling about you. Though you heavily doubted it was that close.

You weren’t the type to beat up people if they didn’t follow you or your beloved schedule.

Were you?

In any case, as appointed, you arrived at Eve’s and Feroze’s shared studio. Perfectly on time.

“So, what did you want me for?”

“Well, I was recording this track. I already have Mr. Khan’s vocals and mine I just need . . .”

You had the knack to read Eve’s mind before he even spoke. It was why he adored you so much. Studying him was just a part of the job in your case. Despite his almost angelic demeanor, he felt more like the child you had to babysit rather than a proper partner.

“No way. I can’t sing.” You waved your hands in protest. You can barely hold a regular note for too long, how were you able to keep up with those trained singers the company usually hired for these things? You were meant to be in the backstage, not the center or anywhere near there.

Eve easily shoved you in the recording booth, “That’s why I’m here silly. To help you, now get in the booth.”

“Eve—“ You mouthed, trying your best to get out. But the exit had already been locked. Damn, how was he so fast?

And it’s official. The idol had you trapped. So easily as well. He should have done this ages ago. “Soo.” Your voice barely came out, anxiety hindering its proper passage. This wasn’t going to actually be a recording session was it?

His right hand then grabbed your outer thigh. You flinched, you thrash around, but he doesn’t stop.“Soo, I can’t do this with you — gah —“

“But why not~? Aren’t you a good little manager? You’ll do this for me won’t you?” He unbuttoned your pants, slowly pulling them down. Savoring the reveal of your precious [s/c] skin. While his scarlet eyes were firmly glued to your face, his left hand wandered to your clothed cock. Three fingers pressed against it, moving up and down gently.

“Mmf — For your information, I’m only obliged to follow Feroze’s —“ He stopped.

His appendages leave your side in a second. You were utterly disappointed in yourself as you realized you already missed his skin making contact with your body.

“Soo?”

He stood still for seconds until his fingers twitched.

After which, he laughed.

“HAHAHAHAHA! You think you were ever someone else’s? You’re mine, [Y/N]. Mine.”

It unnerved you. Not how maniacal his words or his guffawing, no, it was how genuine it felt in comparison to his usual one. In fact you were so caught up with his breakdown that you couldn’t even protest as he carried you in his arms, shoving lube up your little asshole and making you face the wall.

You hadn’t even realized his own penis was not covered anymore.

Everything just hits you when he thrusted in. Filling you with one slide.“Now make music for me, hm?”

Despite the microphone being a little too far from you, you were positive it could pick up the moan you just made.

It was like you felt everything, pain and pleasure mixed inside you and you couldn’t tell if you were enjoying this sick act or completely hated it. But one thing was for sure, you do nothing to stop him. Completely consumed by the feeling of his dick rearranging your organs.

“Louder, baby.” He picked up the pace, before shortly cumming inside you without warning. A reminder of his status as a virgin despite his personality. It doesn’t take long for him to get going again. “I wanted to be inside you for so long. I want to stay inside you forever.”

As Eve started speeding up, a mop of red hair entered your vision, “Rosy—“

You expected anger, you expected a murder you’d have to somehow cover up. But all your current client does was grab Eve by the shoulders.

“Ease up there, Soo.”

Eve’s horrifically ‘calm’ expression switches back into his playful once he faced Khan. You didn’t even know how much fear was pumping within your veins until he calmed down (at least outwardly) “C’mon. I know even you wouldn’t be able to resist this little hole.”

Were they . . . in this together? No they couldn’t be. They were just so different.

If only you knew how alike they were.

The limited space in the booth didn’t really feel good to the three of you upon Feroze’s words “Scooch over.” Eve had to back up while he was still inside you, allowing the other man to squeeze in.

Feroze grabbed your chin with one hand making you look to his face. “Look at me, meri jaan. My ishq.” and your cock with the other, tenderly stroking your member. “I love you alright? More than anything else in this world.”

“Then —“

“Let you go? Not a chance in hell.” He chuckled, increasing the pace of his handjob.

If you thought that Eve using you was too much, it was nigh impossible to imagine the stimulation you were currently receiving. “Sh- sto . . hah — p. Please.”

“Don’t break them yet, I haven’t even came.” You could however imagine the pout on Eve’s face. His thrusts stuttering from its once regular rhythm.

“Ssh. We’re doing this to record their pretty voice aren’t we?”

“Stop! Wh - hah - what about Soo’s reputation?”

Eve would use those words to blame you for his future breakdowns later on, your show of concern making his dick even harder than it already. But for now he could only express this feeling of gratitude by pushing it in deeper. “I’m a solo act now baby. It’s fine~”

“F-Fuhuck, I’m — “ He came inside you the second time, making your slick hole even wetter and causing you to cum all over Feroze’s hands.

“My turn.” The older man yanked you away. Eve’s semen dripped down to your thighs and legs as he’d separated from you.

“Hey!” He protested. But if there was one person who was more swole than Eve it was Feroze. The man putting him in a slightly bended position; looking away, and you in between the two singers.

“Hold on to his waist, meri jaan.”

You do as your told, feeling Feroze align your dick to Eve’s hole. Wait- he was completely dry how would he-

The answer was that Eve would take you no matter what. It did not feel great to either one of you, the only lubrication that existed was your previous ejaculation, and part of you knew that Feroze intended that. “Mmf—!” Mostly because he doesn’t take any time to warn you before he also inserts himself but in you. “I haven’t done something like this in ages . . . but nothing could compare to this”

Feroze helps you into a rhythm that ensured that you were either completely inside Eve or him inside you at every moment. Overstimulating you once more. When it came for his turn to thrust however, he put so much power that often times it would move you forwards and go a bit to deep.

“Shit! You’re doing that on purpose!”

“Not my fault you’re too excited to put a lil lube in!”

“I- I - think I’m — ! “ You closed your eyes, feeling your second release. A high you’ve never once reached before. A kind of high that ruins others as you’d find yourself chasing it.

But you knew, you knew it’d be impossible without these two men aiding you in that climb.

Feroze was right behind you as you reached the top. Thick, hot ropes of cum spill all over inside of you.

The three of you took deep breaths, but it was only a short respite for what would be a long, long, night. “We’re not done yet. I only came once.”

“The hell—“

Feroze turned you to face him, positioning you atop Eve’s back. His handsome face looked stunning even underneath the dim lighting.

You did not know if his following question was directed towards you or ravenette, “You won’t mind this, won’t you?” Just that his cock had already been enveloped by Eve’s canal.

“Mr. Khannnn, you could have let me lube up.” The idol complained between moans.

“You took them no problem but not me?”

“You’re different! And bigger! Ah, fuck!”

“You deserve a little punishment for spiking my drink. Besides their cum should be more than enough.”

“He did what?!”

“Ack—!”

“Take it, کنجر (kanjr)”

Feroze cackled at your worried face and Eve’s pain, pounding into him without a care in the world. His sadism really knew no bounds.

You three ended up staying the studio all night. Your hole and cock being used up for all its worth.

The album ended up being a massive hit. The title track, the one with your ‘vocals’ ended up breaking records and staying at the top of charts for months.

Comments on the song largely talking about how realistic the sensual sounds of sex in the background was. Completely unaware that it was the two famous singers making love to you.

©️ hana.no.seiiki - yun | 2023

fun fact: i was rocking out to mlp music while writing this lol (that and my cousin watching van helsing in the background, very very loudly)

[ppenguinpperson]

kinda like roleplay?? (<- link to this on ao3)

“So. Um. I've been thinking.” Mirabelle looks you in the eye. "Siffrin. Have you ever liked anyone?”

You tilt your head at her. What kind of question is that? Of course you've liked people. You like Odile, Mirabelle, Bonnie, Isabeau…

At your confused look, she shakes her head. "Like, like-like!"

Ohhh! Hm. Have you?

The starry night sky shines upon you. You sit on a log, enveloped by the woods, warmed by the dim fire in front of you. You lazily toss a stick in it.

It’s nights like these that make lookout duty enjoyable.

Your family doesn’t like it when you’re out here alone. It’s nice of them to worry about you, but you really don’t mind. You’re stronger than any two of them combined. You’re more than capable of defending yourself and them.

Keeping them safe for a few hours is the least you can do after, well… everything.

Adjusting to life outside of the loops was hard. Still is. You’re not sure you’ll ever fully recover, but you’ve made progress. Your family says so, at least. You don’t feel like you have.

You relapsed just last month. Not in any big way, and it passed rather quickly compared to the other times you relapsed. Still, a relapse is a relapse.

You saw a play, and a particular scene reminded you of your time in Dormont. It was just a scene. Something you should have been able to handle. You’ve been travelling for, what, a few months now? Something as small as a scene in a play shouldn’t rattle you as badly as it did – but, you’ve never been one to react proportionately, have you?

It took you a few days to confide in your family. They were understanding. They didn’t blame you. They even thanked you for talking to them about this. You still can’t believe they choose to love you, again and again, despite the difficulty that comes with that choice.

… ah, you shouldn’t think things like that. Mirabelle and Isabeau would be sad. Bonnie would be mad, and Madam Odile would chide you.

Mirabelle’s given you a few tips on what to do when you think things like this, some that she uses herself. It surprised you that she struggles this way, too. You didn’t expect her struggles to go further than her surface, anxious demeanor. Well. That, and…

“Siffrin?” Someone speaks behind you.

You tense. Lost in your thoughts, you weren’t paying attention. Stupid!! With your hand on your dagger and preparing for the worst, you turn around.

“Ah, sorry!” Mirabelle startles, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Relief washes over you that it’s just her. “It's okay.” You don't let go of the dagger. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no, everything's fine. I just can't sleep.” She gestures to the empty space next to you. “Can I, um..?”

Finally, you let go of your dagger. You nod. You sit back down and Mirabelle joins you. Silence falls over you like a blanket.

It’s not rare for someone to join you on lookout duty because they can’t sleep (Isabeau often does), but it is rare for that someone to be Mira. You’re not complaining, though. You enjoy these moments. Enveloped by the dark and quiet of the forest, it feels like you’re the only two people in the world.

The fire flickers in front of you. You hope it’s warm enough for Mirabelle. It’s warm enough for you, but you’re wearing your cloak, and she’s only wearing her nightgown. Not even her bow or bonnet.

You can’t make out her face too well in the darkness, but you can at least make out her eye bags. It looks a bit like she’s shivering, but you could be imagining things – but, you might not be!! And this isn’t the kind of thing you like to risk!!

Without giving it further thought, you take off your cloak. The cold hits you all at once. How come Mirabelle hasn’t said anything?? Her eyes grow wide when you give it to her.

“Oh! Thank you,” She gives you a concerned smile, “But, won’t you be cold?”

You throw a log into the fire, suppressing a shiver. “I’ve been out here longer so I’m used to it.”

Her smile turns warm. Almost enough to warm you. “Thank you, then! I won’t be out here for long, I just, Oh!” She makes a surprised sound, interrupting herself, as she slips your cloak on. “Oh, wow!! This is so warm!! Is this Craft??”

You shrug and scooch closer to the fire. You turn your eyes to the trees, searching for any signs of danger. When Mirabelle speaks again, her voice has that slight bit of anxiety to it that you wouldn’t notice had you not been travelling with her for so long.

“So, um.” She starts, eyes set straight ahead instead of at you. “I’ve been thinking about something. And I’d like to talk about it with you! Because we’re feelings buddies!!” She glances at you. Her brows are tinged with worry. “Would it be okay to talk about it now? Um, it’s okay if not!! If you’re tired, or want to have your full attention on the lookout-”

“It’s okay, Mira.”

She lets out a sigh of relief. “Okay. Thank you. The thing is…” She looks at you directly, mouth parted, ready to speak. But nothing comes out. She wordlessly looks at you. Why does this remind you of something?

“I think, first, I’d like to say something else!! So that you don’t feel bad!! Okay??” You nod. “Okay. Um. I’m not angry at you.” Oh, no. You don’t know what kind of face you make, but it makes Mirabelle backpedal.

“No, wait, it's okay!!” She shakes her head. “Oh, Change, that's not a good starter. I just, ah, wanted to be clear this isn't your fault. I've been feeling like this for longer than I've even known you. So. Don't blame yourself. Okay?”

A bit shaken, you nod. What could she be talking about..? Is this about your relapse last month? What else could it be about?

She fiddles with your cloak. “So. Um. I've been thinking.” She looks you in the eye. "Siffrin. Have you ever liked anyone?”

You tilt your head at her. What kind of question is that? Of course you've liked people. You like Odile, Mirabelle, Bonnie, Isabeau…

At your confused look, she shakes her head again. “Like, like-like!”

Ohhh! Hm. Have you?

You scratch your head, trying your best to remember.. You're pretty sure you like-like Isabeau… liked, maybe..? The loops made everything weird. You don't know what you feel for him, other than that you enjoy his presence – but, you can say that about everyone in your family. You don’t know why it’s different with him.

You try to remember other people that you've liked this way, other than Isa. There have been a few fleeting feelings here and there, but you're not sure if you'd describe any of them as romantic. They kinda were? Maybe a bit?

When you compare your feelings to the feelings of the protagonists from your favorite plays;to the affections of couples you meet on your journey, you're not sure you feel the same thing.

You don't realise you've fallen into a silence again until Mirabelle breaks it.

“Y-you don't have to tell me if you don't want to!!”

“It's okay, I was just thinking.” You reassure her. Stars, were you really just staring at her? “I'm just… not sure, I guess?”

“Not sure? How?”

You ponder your answer. “It's complicated. I’ve liked people before, I’m just not sure what kind of ‘like’ it was.” You sigh. You're still not used to talking about yourself. “Sorry, that doesn't make sense.”

“No, no! I get it! I think!” She speaks fervently. “Like, um, you like them, but not in the same way as The Cursing Of Château Castle characters care about each other!! But not as friends, either!!”

… Wow! You nod, surprised that she understands.

“Yeah!! For me it… it honestly feels a bit fake?” She picks at her nails. “Liking someone the same way my favorite characters do just feels like fiction. Like something that's.. never going to happen…”

She deflates a bit as she says that. Her expression almost breaks your heart. Not just because you'd rather almost end the world again than see Mira said, but because you realise you've already bad this conversation.

It played out differently back then. You approached her. You were in public. She had her bonding papers. So many things have changed since then, but this topic is the same..!!

The day you escaped the loops, she told you she doesn't like others knowing things about herself that she doesn't know about. Something about spoilers. You understand this more than she knows, so you CANNOT follow the same script!! That’d be cheating!!

You’d be using information that only you know to get a good grade in Mirabelle. You can’t do that to her. Plus, it can’t be the only script with a happy ending. And if it is, well, you can always make a new ending.

Maybe it wouldn't even work, since so much has changed… Yeah..!! It's an invalid cheat code!! It's expired. Unavailable. Those lines are locked behind a paywall and you only have one coin to your name.

Mirabelle sighs. Oh no, you’ve been silent for too long again!! Quick!! Say something before she thinks you’re judging her!!

“That’s okay. You don’t have to.”

“But I do! This… Bonding with someone is one of the biggest ways to change,” she runs a hand through her hair, “What does it matter that I’m one of the saviors of Vaguarde if I can’t Change?”

She speaks hurriedly, stress seeping from her words. “I thought that, maybe, something would change, after defeating the King. That, maybe, it was just the stress getting to me, or something, but… nothing. I’m the same.”

She trails off into silence. Okay, Siffrin. Your turn. No cheating, remember??

“This is who you are, Mira. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“There is, though, if who I am is someone that can’t change!! The Change belief… is very, very important to me. It’s all around changing! Changing with a capital C! Bettering yourself! Becoming a better, different person!”

She gestures with her hands as she speaks. Your heart aches. You wish you could take all this grief from her. Um!! You don’t wish it, but, um. You just hate seeing her like this.

Mirabelle continues talking. It’s all things she’s told you before, even if she doesn’t remember it, so you space out a little. Yes, you know that you shouldn’t, but you have to think about other ways to comfort her.

Last time, you told her to change by not changing. Maybe telling her to change the belief instead would be better. Why should she be the one to do the work? There’s no script anymore, so, there’s no reason to be afraid.

… oh, Stars, is using an idea you had during the loops ‘cheating’? Does this count? You can’t tell, so, better not risk it.

Maybe you should tell her to talk about this with the Head Housemaiden? But she’s so far away, and Mira’s losing sleep over this – plus, she came to you!! Handing her off to someone else like that would be mean.

You already told her that she’ll be forever alone, back then. Helping her out now is the least you can do.

“And, I… I need this to change, don’t I..?”

Her face is screwed up in a mix of fatigue and anxiety. Tentatively, you place your hand on her shoulder. Within a second, she places her own hand over yours.

“I, um… You’re probably not the only Housemaiden to feel this way.”

“Maybe?” She sniffles and shakes her head. “I don’t think so. Most of them have already dated around, or at least had crushes… some are even bonded with multiple people!! And I can’t even bond with one!!”

Ah, Stars. You said the wrong thing. Now she probably just feels even lonelier. Fix this!! Now!!

“W-Well. Maybe, though?” No!! Not like that, don’t double down, idiot!!

“Even if they do, they’re still bonding and everything… Doesn’t that just make me… weak..? For not overcoming this, like they are.”

“You’re not weak, Mira.” You squeeze her hand. “You’re the strongest person I know. You-”

She interrupts you. “You don’t get it, Siffrin.” Her voice breaks. She takes her hand off of yours and goes back to picking at her nails. “This… I have to do this!! I want to be a good Housemaiden. Change isn’t always nice and easy, but!! It has to happen!!”

You’re only making things worse. She’s done so much for you, can’t you just comfort her??

“... No, I don’t get it. I’m not a Housemaiden.” You speak carefully, trying to come off as patient and comforting. You’re not sure if it gets across. “But you don’t want this.”

“I do!!” She reiterates. “I want to be a good Housemaiden. I do.”

“... But you don’t want to date people.”

Mirabelle deflates. “... No.” Her voice wavers, “I don’t.”

“So don’t.”

“You say it like it’s easy.”

You don’t know what to say to that.

Mira’s chewing on her lips, brows furrowed. The months between you defeating the King and now must have made her feelings about this a lot worse, given she looks twice as distressed as she did back then.

“I wish I at least had the strength to try it. Even if I gave it just one chance…I think I could like some of the things bonded couples do. I should at least try them, but,” her face screws up, “I couldn’t lie to someone like that. It makes me want to throw up just thinking about doing all that romantic stuff. Maybe if it wasn't romantic, if it was just stuff, I'd like it, but... that's not how things work.”

“... I think,” you start, before you can talk yourself out of it, “Um, I think that I like Isa.”

She startles and her eyes go wide. “What?!”

She surprises both of you with her loudness. You jump and she clamps her hands over her mouth. Nothing but crickets. After it’s clear that she woke no one up, she mouths a very quiet ‘sorry’.

You smile at her. Just to be safe that no one but Mirabelle hears this, you speak quieter, almost whispering.

“I think I do. He’s nice, handsome, funny… He makes me happy. I think that… I know he likes me, too.” Your face has surely turned an awful, awful shade now. “But…” You trail off.

“But what?”

“I don’t think I want what he wants.”

Mirabelle tilts her head again. Confusion paints her face. Even so, she hangs onto your every word, looking at you with those big lightless eyes of hers.

“I know I’d be happy with him. But, I…” The words don’t come easy, but you force them out anyways. “I don’t know. Something feels off when I imagine us as, like… um, like the characters from your books. I want something like that, kinda, but also not like that? I don’t think I could play the role of one of those characters very well.”

You grunt. Stars, you suck at this!! You don’t like thinking about this stuff. You’ve never even talked about it. A bit like Mirabelle, you thought this part of you would just… change, someday. But it hasn’t, and you have no words to describe what ‘this’ part of you is other than ‘different’. You can’t even articulate how you’re different.

Great job, Siffrin. You interrupted your friend to talk about yourself, and didn’t even come to any kind of conclusion. This is where going off-script gets you.

You squirm in your seat. “Sorry. You don’t have to-”

“No ‘sorry’!!” She grabs your hands and squeezes them tight. “It’s hard, talking about this!! You’re trying to, and..!! You’re helping!!”

You are?

“I am?”

“Yes!! Not feeling this stuff, or not feeling it the 'right' way… It makes me feel so alone, I’m so happy that I’m not!! Even if we’re not the exact same, you understand, and that means the world to me!!

She’s smiling wide at you, her eyes creased. You can’t help but smile back.

“It’s all so hard and stupid and confusing- can you believe there’s no classes on this in the House?? None!! Well, there’s a few classes on dating advice, but that’s not… you get it.” You nod. “Hehe… Oh, I’m so relieved.”

You both just kind of sit there after that, smiling at each other like idiots. Mirabelle looks a lot less tense now. You agree with her;you’re not the same. Even so, you feel like you share a lot more in common than what you don’t. Concerning this topic, at least.

There’s still a lot that you don’t know or understand about each other, but the warmth nestled in your chest is enough for now.

Lost in thought, an idea strikes you. It’s stupid, like a lot of your ideas, but it might help? You hope it could, at least. You like it. You hope she will, too, but if not, that’s okay, of course!!

“... You said you think you’d like some of the things that couples do. What things?”

Mirabelle pauses. “Holding hands and cuddling?” You look at your hands, intertwined with hers. “Um, I mean, like!! People say that it feels different for couples. So, that kind of handholding, I think?”

“How would it be different?”

“I don’t know!! It just would be, I guess. Same with cuddling.”

You hum. “Any other things you think you’d like?”

“Maybe…” She looks off to the side, her cheeks turning a new shade. “Oh, change.. I, uh. Well.” She giggles awkwardly. “A date, maybe? They sound so fun when I hear about them. It usually sounds like just hanging out with someone, like how we do, but… You know how there’s some stuff that’s just for dating? I’d like to try that, but without the dating part.”

That’s a surprise. It must show on your face, because she doesn’t give you a chance to speak.

“I mean!! I know I can do it with my friends, and I’d love to!! But!! I don’t know… I’d like to just choose to do it, not because it’s what I’m supposed to do, but because I want to. And I'd like for it to be different from friendship, but...”

“But you don’t want to use someone for this.”

“No. I don’t want to lie to people, but I don’t think anyone would want to do this kind of stuff without me dating me.” Her shoulders tense. “I know this goes against, like! All of what I’ve said so far!! I really don't want to date anyone!! But it’s… I don’t know..!! It’s different, to me.”

You nod. Sweat runs down your back, without any thanks to the fire. “What if…” You gulp. Don’t mess this up. “What if you tried them… with… me..?”

Mirabelle’s eyes go wide, her eyebrows arch and her lips part. She just looks at you, wordlessly.

… Ah, stars, did you misinterpret what she was saying? You shouldn’t have said anything!! Stupid!! “I just, thought, maybe-” No, no, stop talking!! “Since neither of us, um!! Since I don’t know what I want, and you want to try stuff out without dating!! We could do it together?? Kinda like roleplay?? It’s stupid, we don’t have to, I just-” Shut up!!

You break eye contact, casting your gaze down. You ruined it!! You were supposed to help her, and instead you offer something so selfish..!! Stars, Change, Expressions, how could you be so stupid??

She giggles.,“Aw, Siffrin!!” You feel a hand on your shoulder. Your face must be an absolutely horrid shade right now. You cover it with your free hand. “That’s.. so sweet of you!!”

You peek at her through your fingers. “.. Huh..?”

“I’d love that!! Would you really be okay with that, though? I know you want some kind of relationship, and… I can’t give you that. It wouldn’t be real dating.”

Relief washes over you as you take a deep breath. in. She... likes the idea..? Thank stars. You thought you’d have to make a run for it. Speaking seems like an impossible task right now, but you still manage to force some words out.

“Yeah, I know. Um, I know that I’m not really honest about my feelings and stuff sometimes,” you grimace, “But I am, right now. I don’t want real dating- not right now, or with you, at least. So, I’m okay with that. If you’re okay with, uh, trying this out with me.”

“Oh, Siffrin, of course!! Thank you!!”

Within a second, Mirabelle’s arms are around you. You tense up for a moment, but you relax just as quickly, and you hug her back. She’s radiating warmth. You put your head on her shoulder, clinging onto her.

She gasps. “Change, you’re so cold!! Why didn’t you say anything??”

Um. Because she’d have been cold, if you didn’t give her your cloak? Obviously? You’re too busy soaking in her warmth to explain that, though.

“If you want to try things out with me, you have to tell me how you feel about the things, okay??” She squeezes you with a bit too much strength. “So that I know when you’re uncomfortable!! Or I won’t want to!!”

“You too.” You mumble.

“I’m not the one with a chronic case of 'won’t talk about my feelings' here.”

Mirabelle’s tone is stern, but she giggles.

Before you can protest, Mirabelle pulls away. You huff, already cold again. Her face is screwed up in… concentration? Worry? You can’t really tell.

“Siffrin… Is this really okay? You just said that you like Isabeau. I know this isn’t real dating, but I don’t want to, um. Come between you two, or anything like that.”

You don’t even have to think about your answer. “It’s okay.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.” The smile returns to her face, “Please tell me if that ever changes.”

Once more, you fall into a comfortable silence. You could live through a thousand of these and cherish each and every one. You don’t know how long you sit there, just enjoying her presence.

Your startle when your cloak lands in your lap. You look at Mirabelle and see that she’s only wearing her nightgown again. “You’re as cold as ice,” she throws a stick into the fire, “And I’ll be going back to the tent soon.”

“But you’ll be cold.”

“I’ll warm up soon enough,” she chuckles, rubbing her arms for warmth.

You mumble, “Okay,” and put your cloak back on… oh, that is warmer!! You didn’t even realise how cold you were!! This must be some kind of craft.

Mirabelle stands up. Now that the fire’s burning brighter, you can see her expression clearly. She’s smiling from ear to ear. Her eyes are wet, and there’s wet trails coming down her face. Shame hits you for not noticing that she was crying. Other than that, she looks perfect as always. The sight warms your heart brighter than any fire ever could.

“I’ll be going back to sleep now, if that’s okay,” She leans down and gives one last hug, squeezing you tightly. You hum in response. “Thank you so much, Siffrin. I really, really needed this. Thank you.” She pulls back and wipes a tear from her eye.

You return her smile. “Thank you, too.”

“Goodnight, Siffrin.”

“Sweet dreams, Mira.”

… and she’s gone.

You did it. You really did it..!! She’s happy, you’re happy… In this moment, you feel nothing but relief. You got through this without relying on the script.

Did you help her as much as you could have, though..? You didn’t even address how pressured she feels to date someone… oh, no, what if you’re just pressuring her into this, like how the Change belief pressures her into dating?? You’re still telling her to change, aren’t you??

[miss-musings]

The Official CrossDad Ranking of The Bad Batch Season 3 Episodes

I love TBB Season 3 so much, and it's partly because of Crosshair's arc and his growing bond with Omega. His attitude toward life in general and her specifically really evolves throughout the season, to the point where he becomes CrossDad™️.

So I thought I'd rank all the S3 episodes by how many and how significant of CrossDad moments we get.

Disclaimer: I'll only be counting episodes where Crosshair and Omega have screentime together (Ep 1, 3-9 and 11).

So, starting with the least CrossDad episode and working our way to the most:

9. Episode 3.01 "Confinement"

Crosshair literally tells Omega that if he had a chance to escape he wouldn't think twice about leaving her behind. Ouch. I’m 99% sure he’s lying, but it’s still not very CrossDad of him to say that.

He also says "I'm not them" when Omega says he's her brother.

But, I guess bro had to start somewhere.

Grade: F

8. Episode 3.03 "Shadows of Tantiss"

Unsurprisingly this is only slightly better. Crosshair's definitely mad at Omega for just winging an escape, but he goes along with it and watches her back. He's definitely not as protective of her here as he is later in the season, but I guess that's to be expected.

The one highlight is, once she thinks they've failed and they'll be killed or recaptured, his Dad instincts kick in and he praises her for getting them as far as she did.

Grade: D

7. Episode 3.08 "Bad Territory"

As much as I love Crosshair and Omega's scenes in Bad Territory -- in fact, they're the only good parts of the whole episode -- I don't think Crosshair acts much like Omega's dad in this episode. More like that older sister-younger brother dynamic she's teased him about before.

However, there are a few crumbs I can highlight:

Crosshair telling her she needs to stay safe and Hunter agreeing with him.

Crosshair's unenthused look when Omega talks about Phee.

As Hunter correctly deduces, Omega is the *only* person Crosshair would listen to about getting his hand examined.

Omega telling Crosshair he doesn't like anything and him agreeing with her.

Crosshair looking very sad and upset when he realizes just how much time he's missed with Omega.

Still, overall, definitely not the most CrossDad episode of the season.

Grade: C

TIE-5. Episode 3.11 "Point of No Return"

This is a weird one, because while we don't get a lot of CrossDad moments with Omega, the episode goes out of its way to make parallels between Crosshair and Hunter to show they're both parental figures to Omega.

I'll talk about this more later on, but one of the ways S3 really solidifies CrossDad is by putting him alongside Hunter so it feels like they're co-parenting Omega together.

This episode does that, in part, by sidelining Wrecker the entire episode. Crosshair and Hunter go up to the colonnade together to get Omega while Wrecker loads the ship, and they watch over Omega together after Wrecker's incapacitated.

And then, we have the parallel between Hunter watching Hemlock's shuttle take Omega away in 2.16 "Plan 99" and Crosshair watching CX-2's shuttle take Omega away from Pabu.

Another poignant parallel that shows Crosshair has become a parental figure to Omega, the way Hunter has been the entire show.

However, I feel like Crosshair ultimately agreeing with Omega's plan to turn herself in is something Hunter would never do. I get that Crosshair was reluctant, tried to talk her out of it and only agreed because he didn't see any better options. But, I still feel like Hunter would never have done that.

Ultimately, I feel like this one's a mixed bag.

Grade: C+

TIE-5. Episode 3.06 "Infiltration"

Admittedly there aren't many CrossDad moments in this one, as the bulk of the runtime is focused on the CX assassins and Rex's clone underground.

But we do get a few:

Omega copies Crosshair's toothpick thing, just like she did with Hunter in 1.01 Aftermath (and her other brothers throughout the series). Now, she's finally copying him, and he takes note of it.

He just nonchalantly tells Omega the Empire's after her again, but once it's clear there's an operative nearby, he freaks out.

Again, the show pairs Crosshair up with Hunter as co-parents talking about Omega's safety and the bigger problems with Hemlock, Tantiss and the CX operatives. Meanwhile Wrecker hangs out with Omega -- like a big brother distracting/entertaining his sister while the "grown-ups" talk.

Not a lot to work with, but it's cute for what we do have.

Grade: C+

4. Episode 3.05 "The Return"

This is another episode where we don't get a ton of one-on-one interactions between Crosshair and Omega, and some of the ones we do get fall more into that brother-sister dynamic (ie, "He started it," and Omega sighing in frustration).

But there are some big CrossDad moments in this episode:

When Omega first approaches the beach and Crosshair looks up at her, his expression definitely changes. It's hard to tell because the focus switches as Batcher comes into the foreground, but it honestly looks like he smiles when he sees her. Or at least his expression "lightens up."

Crosshair has a nice teaching moment with Omega where he describes what it takes to be a good sniper!! :)

Despite his resentment and anger toward Hunter, it's clear that Crosshair agrees with Hunter about not wanting to endanger Omega. In fact, he even defends Hunter's stance to Omega and tells her not to hold it against him.

The "you let Omega be taken to Tantiss" exchange is *chef's kiss*. I feel like I could write entire essays about it.

It's clear that, for the first half of the episode, Hunter doesn't like that Omega and Crosshair are so close. Not only does he not trust Crosshair, but he definitely resents Crosshair for helping Omega escape when he couldn't. I think he's also a bit jealous (???) of all the attention Omega shows Crosshair after she and Hunter have been separated for months. Like, she couldn't even spend one minute having breakfast with him and Wrecker before asking where Crosshair was and immediately going to find him. Hunter also needlessly threw Crosshair a dirty look for seeing how much Omega was following him around before they left for Barton IV. Again, I know it's because he and Crosshair have their own issues -- which they resolve by the end of the episode -- but he never seemed insecure/jealous/resentful of Omega spending so much time with Wrecker, Echo or Tech before.

Overall, this is the one episode where it's clear that, despite their personal differences, Crosshair and Hunter both care about Omega and prioritize her safety. Because they're *both* her dads now.

Side note: the little exchange where Crosshair says he'll handle getting the creature outside the perimeter and Hunter saying "Not alone -- we'll do it together" and then Crosshair asking him if he's sure... you can definitely read that more than one way... :)

Grade: B-

3. Episode 3.04 "A Different Approach"

This episode isn't the *most* CrossDad episode, but I feel like it's the one where Crosshair first starts down the CrossDad path thanks to two big moments:

THE FIRST:

As I said, the show goes out of its way several times to show that Crosshair is on the same path as Hunter -- just two seasons later. While Hunter acted like Omega's dad pretty much from Day 1, Crosshair's just starting his journey in Season 3.

In 1.01 Aftermath, after TBB fails Tarkin's mission, Hunter decides to go back to Kamino for Omega. Even though there's a possibility TBB could be captured or killed if they return to Kamino, Hunter chooses Omega's safety and well-being over his and his squad's freedom.

At the time, Crosshair argued against returning for Omega. But, here in 3.04, he faces the same decision as Hunter: Ensure his own freedom by going to the spaceport OR follow Omega despite the risk of both of them getting (re)captured or killed.

And like Hunter, he chooses Omega over his own freedom and safety.

This was his own Point of No Return, if you will. The moment he first takes up the CrossDad mantle -- never to let it go again.

THE SECOND:

Additionally, in this episode, we have the Imperial officer mistaking Crosshair for Omega's dad. I'm 99% sure that Hunter is the only Bad Batcher who was assumed to be Omega's dad before this episode. I can't recall anyone ever doing that with Echo, Wrecker or Tech before -- just Hunter. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.)

The fact that another character in-universe believes Crosshair is Omega's dad is a purposeful choice by the writers. The captain could've easily said "I've never seen you two around here before," and the conversation could've continued the same way. The fact that he says "dad" is significant, because again, we're drawing parallels between Crosshair and Hunter.

And in this episode, where Crosshair ultimately makes the same "Omega>freedom" choice Hunter did, that seems poignant.

ADDITIONAL POINTS:

Outside of the two big items, I'll only say that there are a few other CrossDad elements in this episode, like him being ready to square up against anyone who threatens Omega. Including a poor street kid. LOL

But, the bulk of the time, he follows her lead. She tells him they need new clothes; she has the idea to bribe the spaceport employee; she decides to "hustle" people at the cantina; and she refuses to go with Crosshair after the Imperials take Batcher. Heck, even the "Let's try things your way" line is still HER decision.

Hunter definitely has his moments where he defers to Omega's judgment (and moments when she just 100% defies or disobeys him), but the narrative and other characters definitely see him as the one who has the final say as the squad leader and her guardian.

So, we can see that Crosshair might be transitioning into a "dad" role, but he's definitely not there yet.

I also like how he grabs the briefcase of credits, even though they didn't really need it anymore. He was like, "I'm not going to let all of Omega's hard work go to waste." LOL

The final moment I want to highlight is Crosshair trying to emotionally prepare Omega that Hunter and Wrecker might not be there. Of course he was wrong, but I appreciate that he was not only looking out for her physical well-being in this episode, but also her emotional well-being too.

Overall, this is one worth being in the Top 3 of Most CrossDad episodes.

Grade: B

2. Episode 3.09 "The Harbinger"

Like 3.05 The Return, we don't have a lot of one-on-one interactions between Crosshair and Omega. But, again, the narrative and other characters go out of their way to treat Crosshair as a full member of The Dad Batch.

Asajj seems to view all three brothers as equally problematic toward Omega's possible Force training. She doesn't single Hunter or Crosshair or Wrecker out more than the other two -- they're all "overprotective shadows" in her eyes.

If anything, I think that shows just how well Crosshair has slotted into the family dynamic in such a short amount of time. Hunter and Wrecker have been with Omega longer and arguably know her better, but Crosshair is just as fiercely protective of her as they are.

It also demonstrates how far he's come in just half a season. Seven episodes ago he said he'd leave her behind without a second thought (although he was probably lying), and now he's fighting a former Sith apprentice because she might be a threat to Omega's safety.

But, while Asajj might view all three brothers the same way -- and to a certain degree they are -- the narrative once again has Wrecker playing a different role in Omega's life while putting Crosshair and Hunter on (near) equal footing.

Multiple times throughout the episode -- namely the family meeting in the Marauder and the final conversation with Asajj -- we see Hunter and Crosshair are framed more as co-parents while Wrecker acts as either guard dog or Omega's distraction while the "grown-ups" talk.

One final point I'll make is that, while Crosshair nominally agreed with Hunter's plan to let Omega train with Asajj alone, he also made it clear he disagreed with Hunter’s decision. He basically gave himself an out. Like: "You might've agreed to let Omega train with a former Separatist assassin unsupervised, but I made no such promise so I can intervene if I see fit. I'm only up here with you guys because of peer pressure."

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a big fan of this episode in general, and honestly wish we could've consolidated it with 3.08 Bad Territory somehow. But, it's definitely a CrossDad heavy episode, and in that respect, I *am* here for it!

Grade: A

1. Episode 3.07 "Extraction"

You all knew this had to be No. 1. It's THE quintessential CrossDad episode!!

I love the little touch of Omega going to look down the spire alongside Crosshair. She really is trying to learn from him, and he doesn't seem to be opposed to it.

As we see later in this episode and again in the finale, once Crosshair knows a CX operative is after them, he volunteers to face him. I know he has all sorts of reasons for wanting to confront CX-2 by himself, but protecting Omega must be one of them.

Once they get away and crash-land in the jungle, we get THE CrossDad conversation -- which was apparently a late addition by the production team.

Once again, he's checking on Omega's physical and emotional well-being. He makes sure she's safe and knows what to do, even though they've been in at least two firefights together at this point.

And once again, we get another parallel between him and Hunter, this time by Omega herself!

Omega: You're as bad as Hunter. Crosshair: Oh, I'm much worse.

He's so fully embraced the CrossDad path that it convinces Howzer (who understandably didn't trust Crosshair earlier in the two-parter) that Crosshair really is different.

Once those Jango Fett "dad genes" kick in, all the clones are practically different people, and Howzer clearly sees that in Crosshair. I'm sure it reminded Howzer of his own time on Ryloth and how much he cared about the Syndulla family and Hera specifically.

We also get a nice allusion to Crosshair's own journey of loyalty. He said earlier in the two-parter that he wasn't loyal to the Empire any longer, but didn't really specify who he was loyal to now. But, Howzer clearly sees Crosshair's now 100% dedicated to his family, especially Omega.

During the first skirmish between the protagonists and the Imperial troops, Crosshair unnecessarily tells Omega, "Stay by my side and stay down."

I say unnecessarily because 1) he should know by now Omega can handle herself and 2) neither Hunter nor Wrecker felt compelled to give her similar directions. But, he's full CrossDad™️ in this episode, so his first priority is her safety. It was also objectively a good idea for Omega to stay with Crosshair, considering he has an infrared sight and could see enemies the others couldn't.

Which is exactly what happens when Crosshair realizes CX-2 is after them. So, once again, he takes on the responsibility of distracting CX-2 so Omega and the others can get to safety.

Omega doesn't like his decision, and in the perfect CrossDad™️ move -- in that it combines all of Crosshair's quintessential traits with those of the quintessential dad -- he turns off his comm and says under his breath: "Too bad." LOL

The fight against CX-2 is so well-done, in part because we see exactly who Crosshair used to be in S1 and who he could've become in S3 if he hadn't resisted Hemlock's "re-education" efforts.

Granted, this was a headcanon someone else shared, but I like the thought that Crosshair was able to resist specifically because of Omega.

Either:

Hemlock controls the CX operatives by enhancing the effects of their inhibitor chips (like what Tarkin & co did to Crosshair in S1); in which case, Crosshair is immune because he took Omega's advice in S1 and removed his inhibitor chip.

OR

While he'd never admit it, I'm sure seeing Omega regularly (probably daily) on Tantiss gave him some amount of hope and comfort in an otherwise desolate and isolated environment. In which case, he had something to hold onto mentally and emotionally while he was being tortured. This would be a nice parallel to Hemlock interrogating him in S2. He didn't break then because he was clearly thinking about his family, and it'd poignant if that was the case again in S3.

In any case, 3.07 Extraction is, without a doubt, the most CrossDad episode in S3. I honestly wish we could've gotten more episodes like it, or just more S3 episodes in general. But, I'm thankful we got to see Crosshair and Omega grow so much -- both individually and together -- this season.

Grade: A+

EDIT/UPDATE:

Episode 3.15 "The Cavalry Has Arrived"

I initially said I wasn't going to grade the finale, because I felt like it'd be too hard. But I kinda had a change of heart:

While I won't put it in the official ranking, I will share some thoughts and give it a general score.

This is another episode that falls into same category as 3.05 "The Return": Omega and Crosshair might not have a lot of screentime together, but the narrative and other characters go out of their way to reinforce Crosshair's role as a co-parent to Omega.

The first time Crosshair mentions Omega is in the "change of plans" scene. It's genuinely heartbreaking for a myriad of reasons, but one is that Crosshair doesn't feel like Omega needs him the way she needs Hunter and Wrecker.

I personally don't feel like this is a very CrossDad moment. Him doing whatever it took to infiltrate Tantiss and rescue Omega -- absolutely. But deprecating himself and saying he deserves to die -- definitely not.

(Tech's sacrifice was different, because there was no alternative. That definitely wasn't the case for Crosshair.)

Look, I know why he says it. He must feel like Hunter and Wrecker genuinely mean more to her, and after letting her surrender on Pabu and missing the shot to track her ship, he probably also feels like he failed her and doesn't deserve to be in her life anymore.

Thank goodness Hunter and Wrecker talk sense into him! (Btw, I love their little look at each other when he says "Omega needs you both." They're like, "Buddy, she'd be devastated if you died. That ain't happening.")

And I love that it's Hunter who emphasizes to him that Omega needs all three of them in her life. This moment -- plus the final confrontation later -- shows how far Hunter and Crosshair's dynamic has evolved, especially regarding Omega.

Moving on, the next time we get a real CrossDad moment is when Hunter says he's going after Omega and recommends Crosshair stay behind.

Considering that Echo and Wrecker were still fighting the CX clones, Crosshair covering them from above would've been helpful. So it wasn't a terrible suggestion on Hunter's part, but that's not Crosshair's place emotionally or narratively.

If Hunter's going after Omega, he is too. They're going to do it together, as they've said since 3.05.

And I'll say: once again, the narrative sidelines Wrecker while putting Hunter and Crosshair on (near) equal footing.

Wrecker stepped into his role as the team's Tank and fought off the CX clones long enough to give Hunter (and Crosshair) a chance to save Omega. His role in the story -- just like in Omega's life -- is important, but it is different from Hunter and Crosshair's roles.

And now we have THE SCENE.

Holy crap. I can't tell you, as a CrossDad fan or just a TBB fan in general, how much I adore this scene!!!

Hunter and Crosshair take out CX-2's Dagger together. I'm sure they both had their respective flashbacks of helplessly watching Omega be taken away, and they both thought, "OH HELL NO!! We're not letting that happen again!"

They take every move together. They destroy the Dagger; they shoot Scorch; they take a knee on the bridge after Hemlock puts the blaster to Omega's head. They're in total lock step.

Until Hunter catches Omega's signal, but Crosshair apparently doesn't.

So, Hunter tells him what he needs to do. He physically and emotionally supports him in that moment.

It's also crazy to think that Hunter is trusting Crosshair with Omega's life, and the fact that Crosshair is hesitant to shoot while Hunter is encouraging him. How far these kids have come since 1.01 Aftermath!

As I've alluded to before, Crosshair has been kind of speed-running through Hunter's Dad arc from S1-2. Now, he gets to the moment where he must fully accept how capable Omega is and trust her. This is something Hunter has understandably struggled with before, but he seems to have made his peace with it by this point.

But, Crosshair hasn't.

He loves Omega so much AND has lost so much confidence in his own abilities for numerous reasons that he can't stand the thought of potentially hurting her.

It's a far cry from the shot he made to save her in 1.16, when he had full confidence in his abilities and didn't seem to realize or care that he might endanger her if he missed.

But, with Hunter's support and Omega's faith, he makes it!

And now the hug:

Omega runs toward them, but rather than flinging herself onto one or both of them, she stops a few feet away and smiles. It's only when she sees Crosshair's missing his right hand that she goes to hug him first.

(BTW, the English-Audio Description version confirms that Crosshair's eyes well with tears in that moment.)

Crosshair definitely doesn't like to be touched. We've seen this as far back as 1.01 Aftermath, when Wrecker's messing with him. His brothers and Omega seem to be the only people he'll accept physical affection from, and even then, he doesn't really reciprocate it.

Until now.

He doesn't use his arms, but he closes his eyes and presses his head against Omega's as she hugs him. Also, once they start walking back, he puts his right stump on her shoulder.

Side note: others have pointed out how Hunter's body language in that scene suggested he wanted Omega to hug Crosshair first, that he was happy when she did, and that he hugged both Omega and Crosshair back. I agree with this assessment. Hunter clearly understands how important Crosshair and Omega are to each other, and really reinforces how all of them are a family together.

Now, I really wish we could've gotten one post-Tantiss conversation between Omega and Crosshair, because they haven't had an onscreen conversation since 3.11. (Although that's better than poor Wrecker, who hasn't had an onscreen conversation with Omega since 3.09.)

But, I do love that, once Crosshair and Wrecker settle into their "family portrait" pose, Crosshair is on Hunter's side. Again, it's significant to their relationship as brothers, as well as co-parents to Omega. They're going to be supporting each other for the long run. (Wrecker too, but I would imagine in a different way based on his role in the narrative.)

One final thing I'll mention is that, in the epilogue, Hunter says, "You're our kid, Omega. You always will be."

Hunter might've been the first one to step into the role of Omega's Dad, but he also recognizes that he didn't raise her alone. She's not just his kid. She's Crosshair and Wrecker and Tech and Echo's kid too. They all raised her, together.

It reinforces the same point as 3.09: Crosshair might've been the last brother to officially join the Dad Batch, but he was a full member all the same. Even Hunter acknowledges that.

Anyway, looking at the finale on the CrossDad ranking, it's a weird one, because we only have a few CrossDad moments in the hourlong episode. But, man, do those moments really pack a punch!

If I have to grade it, I think it'd put it in the same ballpark as 3.05 "The Return." It hits a lot of similar beats as far as the Hunter-Crosshair dynamic and how the narrative once again frames them as co-parents to Omega.

But, we got the long-awaited Crosshair-Omega hug, so I think that automatically bumps it up from a B- to a B!

Grade: B

*****

Here's to hoping that, somewhere down the line, we'll get a Bad Batch comic, novel, spin-off show, cameo... something! I'd love to get more CrossDad content, but I suppose fanfics will have to do for now! LOL

Thanks for reading 'til the end, especially now that I've added in the super-long finale analysis. :)

[lcvesjj]

No Surprises - Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader

Pairing : Aaron Hotchner x Fem!Reader 

Summary :  This job took so much from you that you decided to quit.

Warnings : angst, sadness, no happy endings, Hotch is kind of a jerk here?, yelling and swearing, break-ups, 

A/n : this was supposed to be more angsty but I didn't feel like re-writting it :) and this is a little old so it's not the best (sorry for any mistakes I missed 🥲)

masterlist

who I write for + request rules

To say that you were tired was an understatement. You were exhausted. This job was taking far too much from you. It had taken so much from you, to the point where you felt nothing. You were simply empty and you wanted to quit your job so badly. You were exhausted and burned out and all you wanted was to leave and not look back. But you stayed because of your boyfriend Aaron.

That was before it all came crashing down. You had just gotten back to the BAU building and Aaron had avoided looking at you or speaking to you for the whole flight back. He was still mad at you, after you and Derek for running into a building where the unsub was without backup. Which was not the best move but you didn’t want more people to get hurt because of the unsub

“Y/l/n, my office now.” Hotch said in a stern voice, not wanting to make him even more mad. You just dropped your bag next to your desk and walked over to his office. “Close the door.” Was all he said not even glancing up at you. “Look Aaron if you are still-” You didn’t even get to finish your sentence before he stood up and walked over to you with a stern expression on his face. “You disobeyed my direct orders and you put your coworkers in danger by running into that building. Right after I told you to wait for backup. Do you know how badly that could've ended? How am I supposed to not be mad at you? And do not Aaron me. I’m your boss, not your friend. Why do I always have to take care of you?”  He yelled at you. 

You took a small step back, with tears gathering in your eyes. You just didn’t say anything to him, you just stared at the ground. “Do you understand how stupid of a move that was? You could've gotten yourself killed or worse. You're done for today, Agent Y/l/n. And until I decide what to do with you, I don’t want you here or anywhere near me or Jack.” He raised his voice at you once again.

You could feel that you were about to start crying. In response you just nodded softly and muttered “Understood Sir.” Walking out of his office you quickly ran down the steps and grabbed your go-bag and ran out of the office before your coworkers could see your tears. Emily tried to stop you, but you just walked past her and towards the elevator. 

Aaron felt guilty, he shouldn't have yelled at you like that. But he was so mad at you since he didn’t want to lose yet another person he loved. He was tired and overworked, but he knew that isn't an excuse for being a jerk to you. 

For you that was it, you had had enough. You were exhausted and humiliated, this job and relationship was taking far too much from you. 

So that's when you decided to quit, you've been thinking about quitting for a while, but you never had the guts to do so. 

Walking over to your desk, you pulled out the sheet of paper that has been sitting there for a few months and filled it out. You had made up your mind already. There was no going back now. 

Thinking about your future you always pictured Aaron and Jack in it, but now you weren’t so sure. Aaron started being distant and he would snap at you a lot, just like he did in the office a few hours ago. You were tired and as much as you loved both Aaron and Jack, you knew staying would make it all worse.

After making a few calls to some friends, one of them offered you a job in Chicago and they also offered for you to live with them. Seeing this as your chance to get away from your current life, you agreed. It was an impulsive decision, but you knew it was probably for the best.

A few days later that friend flew over to help you pack everything you might need. When you finished packing and had everything ready to leave, you asked your friend if they could drive with you to the BAU to hand over your resignation and badge and everything. 

Your friend decided to stay in the car, saying that it’s best if you go in alone. Riding the elevator up, you smiled softly. You knew you would miss your team a lot. Especially Emily, JJ & Penelope, since sometimes you would all go out together or have a girls night in, you knew you would miss being able to spend time with them, but you knew it was for the best. Taking a deep breath you walked out of the elevator and through the glass doors. 

“Guys look who's here.” Derek yelled getting up and walking over to hug you. “OMG Y/n, I missed you so much!” Penelope exclaimed, running over to pull you into a tight embrace. JJ and Emily also walked over to say hello. “So what brings you here?” Derek asked curiously. “Uh well I’m actually here to hand this over.” You replied showing them the resignation form. Their faces immediately fell seeing it. “W-what? You're leaving us?” Pen asked in shock. “I got a new job offer in Chicago and I decided to take it. This job really took a toll on me so I decided to quit.” You smiled sadly at them. 

Hearing his office door open, didn’t even look up. You just looked at your coworkers and seeing their sad expressions made you tear up. Derek pulled you into a big and warm hug, whispering into your ear he said “I’m gonna miss you so much. I’m only a phone call away in case anything happens or I need to kick someone's ass alright? And stay safe for me.” He smiled sadly, kissing the side of your forehead softly.

Derek was like the older brother you never had. Always making sure you were alright and if you were having a bad day he would try and make you laugh with his silly jokes. JJ, Emily and Penenlope also hugged you saying that they would miss you a lot and making you promise that soon you’d come and see them so you could all have a girls night together.

“Y/n, what are you doing here?” Aaron asked in confusion, he wanted to call you and apologise for everything but he never had the guts to do it. “I’m just here to give in my resignation and my badge Sir. So you no longer have to bother looking after me.” You replied coldly. Handing him the paper he looked shocked and confused. “Y/n-” He started, but you cut him off saying. “I already have found a new job and I’m moving so don’t even bother with it. Oh and this whole relationship is over. Since as you said you don’t want me near you or Jack, so I’m just respecting your decision.” “That’s not what I meant Y/n, you know that. I was just mad.” He said softly looking at you trying to read your expression. “Just because you are mad doesn’t mean you have the right to take out your anger on someone.” You said coldly, handing him your badge before walking out of the BAU once and for all. 

Taking one last glance at the building you got into the car, driving away ready to start your new life.

[astralfortune]

You know, without context O has a lot of semi possessive/territorial seeming qualities.

I say semi and seeming because I feel like context gives it a lot more nuance.

I’m from a big family too (one of six kids, and don’t even get me started on extended family) and like O doesn’t really come off like a traditional possessive/territorial lover to me and I think it’s because they’re from a big family too.

Like you never get to have anything to yourself in a big family, especially if you’re not the youngest.

No space, privacy, clothes will definitely become hand me downs (there is something sad about both having your clothes handed down and receiving them sometimes, sometimes it’s nice. Very mixed bag experience) or your siblings will nab/borrow without permission. I shared a room until I was 16 I think (and I only got my own because my two older siblings had moved out and made room and so me and the 10 year old both got our own rooms at the same time). Like basically 90% of everything is communal (I think hygiene product wise the only thing that was sacred were toothbrushes, but only in the sharing way because my mom has definitely bleached my toothbrush to clean grout, trashed it and then not told me she assassinated my toothbrush), and often times if you’re an older sibling you become apart of the child rearing process even as you’re experiencing getting parented as well. And also I feel like parents with a lot of kids get so stressed that they really drum in the importance of sharing or any sort of golden rule or manners that emphasize mild manneredness (or maybe this is just an immigrant family thing?), even in scenarios where you absolutely shouldn’t have to (i.e. things you bought with your own money, clothes when your siblings literally have more clothes than you, etc.’) because it makes their life easier. A very much, “share your hoodie with your sister so she’ll stop complaining” situation (and it’s hard to be mad at them about it when like, it’s not malicious they are just juggling a lot). As I kid I often felt like the only thing that was truly mine were my secrets because sometimes punishments would be communal, so half the time those weren’t even mine! So like, to me, I can definitely relate to this almost zealous need to have things that are just yours. Finding your own space, having your own things, rules, and your own relationships becomes an almost religious experience, a gaping sort of need at your middle that sometimes conflicts with the ache of feeling too lonely when things are too quiet, when a younger sibling isn’t around to annoy you, or how your life doesn’t feel as lively when your mom isn’t bursting into your room without knocking (it’s not about missing the lack of autonomy, it’s just you miss them and these things remind you of them and you don’t know how to separate them from their bad habits so you miss them just as much as they drive you to insanity).

Yesssss you get it. You've worded it so beautifully.

O's on their own for the first time. They're experiencing things for the first time without having to worry about their siblings. No need to make sure it's child friendly, no need to split things evenly between them all. It's freeing yet also terrifying. Don't get them wrong, they love caring for their siblings, they dote on them endlessly. And they love taking care of Fortune as well. It's just a part of their nature. But they also love just... having things. They have their own friends, their own space, goals they can achieve and truly call their own.

It's why they revel in being the youngest now. They can act spoiled and get away with things they never have before. But some things stay the same. They know their leader is capable, but they can easily see where they stumble when watching over the group. They'll try to help them out, but how much is too much? It's hard to break bad habits and not take complete control over a situation. It's why they act more childishly than they actually are, to keep themselves from going too far. And why they also prefer to support the group from behind the scenes to make up for their leader's lack of experience.

And then they fall for the manager. And for the first time... they don't want to share. Not with their siblings or with Fortune. This strange burning feeling in their stomach telling them to keep the manager close, away from anything that might steal their attention away from O. They see how stressed and tired the manager is, and it sparks that older sibling instinct in them. They now have an outlet to release all the old habits they've buried down deep. They'll charm the manager while also become more overbearing about their well-being.

They're so selfless yet so greedy.

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 21 Part 2)

Word count: 20.3k

Pairings: Jake x Reader, Jake x OC

Warnings: Alcohol, Cursing, Dramatic Themes. Angst Including: Talks of Infidelity, Toxic Themes, Arguing, Yelling, Extreme Portrayal of Sadness, Crying, Abandonment, Heartbreak, Talks of Illness, Extreme Illness, Fainting, Hospitalization, Hospital Procedures and Protocols, Mentions of IV, Needles, Talks of Death and Dying. Fluff.

This story is a collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon.

JAKE POV

A knock at the door caused your eyes to flutter open from the in and out sleep you’d been in all day. The medicine they were giving you, keeping you constantly fighting off sleep. You were breathing better, but still in an incredible amount of pain, and feeling worthless to boot. You turned your head to look at your mom, who was already standing to open the door. 

As it swung open you saw Y/N, standing in the door, like your own personal angel. Your eyes widened as they focused in on her; wavy hair and red eyes, her favorite sweatshirt that always smells like her. She was upset, that much was obvious. Well, to you at least. 

“Oh sweetie! I am so glad they finally called you!” your mom said, pulling her in for a hug. You watched her wrap her arms around your mom, wishing, praying it could be you instead. 

“Jakey, it’s Y/N. Can you sit up?” your mom asks. 

You press the button on the remote and the bed sits you up, and you're positive that in your entire life you’d never felt more pathetic, as she watched you come to eye level with her. As your eyes met hers, you could see them tearing up. You hated for her to see you like this, but seeing her is the only thing you’ve wanted since you got here, and you weren’t giving it up for anything.

You looked over to your mom, who was gathering her things with a knowing grin, “I know, I know, I’ll give you two some time. I’ll be downstairs if you need me honey.” she said, walking out and closing the door behind her. 

You watched as Y/N pulled a few items out of her bag, and placed them on the counter. It looked like a change of clothes, but it was so far away you couldn’t really tell. You hoped that meant you were getting out of here soon.

She walked over to the side of the bed, sitting on the edge near your feet. “Hi…” her voice rang out like music.

“Hey…” you breathed. “I’ve been asking for you…”

“I know, they wouldn’t let me come up until they got my negative test…” she replies quietly. “You scared me Jake.”

“I know, I know. I was so stupid, I just thought it was a little cold, and that it would just go away, but it didn’t. I was fine, and then… I don’t know, it happened so quick, and then I was here and you were gone…” you stammer.

“I was scared and Sam and Danny were scared, Josh was scared. We had no idea what was going on. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong. I thought you were dying or something and I couldn’t even come see you…” she said, as a single tear slipped from her eye. 

“I was scared too. Scared this was it…I think I almost lost a lung last night.” you admit.

“Jake…” she says, another tear falling. 

“Don’t cry, please…” you beg, “I’m okay now, I think…I’m feeling a little better.” 

She puts her hands over her eyes trying to conceal her tears and sniffles.

“Come here. Come closer to me.” you ask, watching her slowly shift her body closer. 

You lay your hand on her thigh, as her eyes meet yours. “I’m sorry you thought you were going to lose me. I promise I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

She nods, and continues to blink away her tears. 

“I missed you. All I could think about was you.” you admit.

“Jake, you don’t mean that… You shouldn’t– you should be mad at me, hate me, just two days ago you told m–”

“I know, I remember what I said. I do, and I am mad. But I’ve been laying here, just staring at the ceiling, thinking… of all the things I’d rather be doing than laying here. Wishing you were here…” you say.

“You have…” she questions.

“Yeah. Remember, the other night, you told me all the things you miss about me? Well, I have a list too. I’ve always had a list. I should have told you that night. I really should have, but you’re here now. So now I’m going to tell you, because if I don’t, I think I might burst.” you answer, a smirk crossing your face. 

Her eyes search yours, “Jake, no… you need to rest, you shouldn’t even be talking. It can wait…wait until you’re thinking clearly.”

“No. It can’t. Just let me tell you, please.” you ask.

She nods her head as you move your hand higher on her leg, letting your weak hand squeeze into her thigh.

“I miss the way your mouth subconsciously sings along to the songs I’m practicing when it’s late and I’ve been in my study playing all night…songs you’ve learned just from hearing me play them over and over without even a single complaint…I miss laying in bed and arguing over what show to watch, and me finally caving and letting you pick, only for you to fall asleep on my chest five minutes later…the fuckin’ best…” you see a small smile form on her lips, as you continue.

“I miss hearing you hum along to literally any Beatles song in existence while you cook or while you’re cleaning. It’s always the Beatles. You love The Beatles white album the best…I miss your pancakes… god I would kill for those right now…and yeah, I know it hasn’t even been that long, but it feels like years. I hate it…I miss walking around town with you when the weather is pretty, watching you furiously dig around in your purse looking for cash to give to the buskers. I can’t think of one time that you haven’t given money to someone playing music. Always smiling at me and reminding me ‘that was you once’. You’re right, it was, and even then I loved you.” you go on, feeling her hand rest on top of yours. 

“I miss how you get road rage so easily, but immediately apologize after you say it. I miss taking you and seeing how you are always so nice to servers at restaurants even if they mess something up, because they ‘might just be having a bad day’…I love how much you love your parents, shit and mine too. I love how much you love the ocean, and that we both find the same tranquility on the water. But I really miss the look on your face when you’re watching us play, and knowing that I wouldn’t even look at you when I played your song the other night....I can’t take that back. But just know, next time it's for you.” 

You watch a tear fall down her cheek, as you reach up to swipe it away, pushing her hair over her ear. 

“I swear to god I don’t deserve you, Jake.” She mumbled out. 

“Shhh, stop with that shit.” You said, your already shaky breath catching in your throat as you notice the glint of the silver necklace around her neck.

You let your hand glide over it, seeing the side of it being held together by a small piece of black tape.

Oh no.

“You found it…” you breathe.

She nods defeatedly. “I know you told me not to wear it anymore, and I know I shouldn’t but… I can’t. I feel naked without it. I have been trying to not wear it around you but I saw it in my bag today and…I don’t know I just needed to.” she admits, too nervous to look at you.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” you confess.

“The chain was broken when I found it on the floor, but when you left for Michigan I tried to fix it. It was so small and I could hardly see what I was doing. I think I cried out of frustration more than anything. I just wanted to fix it. Fix one thing. I eventually found some electrical tape in your desk drawer and decided it would have to make due.” she says.

Oh my god, what did you do?

A new pain had crept into your chest but not from your sickness. She was hurting, you knew that. But you had been cruel. Mean just to be mean. You ripped it off of her neck…

“I’m so sorry.” was all you could manage. 

“I deserve everything you’ve said and done.” she whispered standing up and walking away from you to look out the window. 

“You think you can bust me out of here?” you ask, trying to lighten the dreadful mood.

She smiled a little, and shook her head. “No, I think you need to stay. Get better. I brought you some clean clothes though..” she said pointing to the counter. 

“Thank you, though I am enjoying this hospital gown. Very breathable. Might start wearing them for shows.” you smile.

Finally a genuine smile crossed her lips, the most beautiful thing you’d seen in days.

“Come here.” you asked, reaching your hand toward her.

She sat in the chair next to your bed, and placed her elbows on the edge of the bed.

“Why did you want me to come so bad Jake? Why were you asking for me? We aren’t…I thought…” she asks.

You paused, turning on your side to look at her for just a second before you answered. 

“Because…even after everything…You make me feel safe. You feel like home. You are home.” 

A knock at the door startles you both, ripping you away from the moment.

Carson comes in with her laptop cart, ready to do her check of your vitals.

“Oh my gosh! You must be the girlfriend! He has been talking about you all night!” she says.

Damn Carson, give me up why don’t you…

“Oh. No… we aren’t together…” she says, letting her face fall.

You immediately grab her hand and lace your fingers with hers giving her hand a tight squeeze.

“Well, he gave us quite the scare last night!” she says, as Y/N stares off into space.

“Wait, Y/N? You… you were in Sam’s class right?” she asks, catching Y/N’s attention.

“Yeah! Yes, sorry!” she says, refocusing on her. 

“I know we didn’t talk much but I remember you. You and Sam were best friends! I remember you two watching me kick Jake’s ass on the practice fields.” she laughs, tapping on the monitors to check your levels.

“Oh yeah, I guess I do remember that. It’s nice to see you again.” she smiles, pulling her hand from yours. 

“You’re looking good Jake. You’re looking really good. Drastic improvement since my last round. She must be your lucky charm.” she smiles, “You might even get out of here tomorrow if you keep it up.”

“She is.” you smile, looking over at Y/N, who has blushed a deep red. 

“I’ll be back tonight. Keep resting!” she says, letting the door close behind her.

You recline the bed back a bit, letting out a deep breath as the pressure dissipates from your chest. 

“Maybe you should stay laying down. I want you to rest so you can get out of here like she said.” she says, putting her elbows back on the bed. 

“I will… but, I don’t want you to leave yet.” you admit.

“I know, but Josh is here. Do you want to see him?” she asks.

God, Josh…

“Yeah, I need to. But just stay for a few more minutes…please?” you ask.

She nods her head and settles back into the stiff hospital chair, as you turn to your side to face her. 

“I do think you’re my lucky charm you know…” you say.

“I guess I just don’t feel very lucky.” she says. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask. 

She took a breath and rested her chin in her hands. “I don’t know, it feels like I’m more like your bad luck charm. So much has happened since I’ve been around, I’ve caused you a lot of unnecessary pain, Jake. And I take responsibility for that.” 

You thought about that for a minute. It wasn’t completely untrue, she had issued you some heartbreak. But knowing what you know now, about everything that happened in Vegas…your intentions with Elle, you felt pretty shitty. And she didn’t even know the extent of it. It was eating you alive not telling her the truth, especially after everything that just happened. But you couldn’t find the right time, she deserved to learn about that when everyone’s worlds weren’t so hectic from you being in this godforsaken hospital. 

“You deserve the world, Jake. And all I’ve done is rip it out from underneath you time and time again. And I’m feeling really horrible about it. Like a really bad human. I’m…working on it. I’m working on myself. I’ve realized some things lately, and I have you to thank for that. I need to grow up a bit, take responsibility for my actions and make better choices.” 

She reached and grabbed for your hand, squeezing it tightly as you took in her words. “Listen, I want you and me to work. I want us to really work out. Okay? Do you get what I’m saying? I know we’re not together at this point, but. I want to make myself the person you need again. Someone you deserve to be with. And to make that happen, I know I’ve got some shit to work on. I’ve got some baggage to unload. I’ve got to get my shit together, Jake. For you. And for me. I know it’s going to take a while, and I know you’ve been saying all these sweet things, but I’m aware of my faults that you don’t need to patch up. I’ve got to. They’re my burden. And it’s time for me to learn how to take care of you now.” 

Wow, what in the world… who is this woman?

You nodded slowly, unable to form a response. Honestly, how do you respond to that? 

“So, I’ve decided since you’re on the mend now and in better than wonderful hands, I’m gonna head back to Nashville since the next few shows are canceled…I hope that last part isn’t news to you…” she said, standing up from the chair. 

“Nah, I figured as much. Fucking pisses me off, I hate cancelling shows more than anything. But, why are you leaving? Why are you going back? We’re all here..” you said. 

“You don’t need me, Jake. Everyone’s going to go home when you’re better, I don’t need to do my job while you’re home with your family.” She went on. 

“Hey listen, Y/N. I know I’ve been so shitty toward you lately. And…I honestly hate myself for it. But I don’t want you to think you’re just an employee to us…did you not, read my text? You are my family, always will be.” You said, sitting up a bit in the bed. 

“Go stay at my parents house. Stay in Michigan, please? Don’t leave…” you reached your hand out for her to grab. She glanced at it, taking it slowly in hers. “You’re not my bad luck charm. You’ve brought me some of the greatest gifts I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be without you when I finally break out of here…okay? Please?” She nodded again, wiping a tear from her cheek. You didn’t want to bring up the fact that Andy was still on the loose, too, and she needed to be with people who could protect her, if need be. 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll go stay with them, if that’s what you want.” she whispered. 

“I do…” you said, giving her a look that said a million words. 

Just then there were three knocks on the door, and Josh was peeking his head inside. “Hey guys…”

You felt her squeeze your hand and look to you with excitement. She was overjoyed you finally got to see your brother now. 

“I’ll see you later…” she said, pulling away. You squeezed her hand harder. 

“Hey, Y/N…” you muttered. She turned back, eyes questioning. “Take care of our family while I’m in here.” 

She smiled wide with her eyes. “I promise.”

You watched as she passed Josh on her walk out, taking him in her arms into a big bear hug. “So good to see you up and at ‘em, Joshy! You okay?”

He nodded. “Better than yesterday, will be better tomorrow.” He said, rubbing her arms as she made her way to the door. 

“Heyyyyy asshole. How did I end up in here and you didn’t? Not fuckin’ fair…” you said, voice still gravely. 

He walked over and took the seat Y/N had just been in, kicking himself back with his hands behind his head. “Guess it’s because I’m the more powerful twin, obviously.”

The two of you laughed and caught up with each other, you only being attacked with a few coughs along the way. 

“I’m sorry we had to cancel some shows, it’s my most unfavorite thing on earth.” you admitted. 

“I know, mine too. But it’s okay, I know you wouldn’t have made it through. We aren’t mad at you.” He went on before leaning forward on his elbows. “Jake, ahh. You know your road to recovery isn’t gonna be a short one, right? You had a very serious illness, and it’s not just gonna go away overnight.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. What are you getting at?” You answered. 

“Well, we were all talking, me Sam and Dan, and Richard and your doctors and everyone…we think maybe we should take some time. Step back and let you heal like you need to.” He said, voice stern. 

“NO, Josh. I’m fine. We have like, fifty shows this tour, we can’t start canceling them already. I will be fine, I’m already feeling so much better.” You argued. 

“I talked to Jay from Rival Sons, we tried to come up with a solution to even maybe play together, take some of the main effort off of you, but then we all agreed that wouldn’t work either.” He said, grazing his mouth with his hand. 

“No, not ‘that wouldn’t work’. I would never agree to that!  It’s all or nothing for our shows from now on, remember? And I can give it my all, I promise Josh. I can do it. I can’t let everybody down. You guys, the crew, the fans…god. They’ve all already got tickets and planes and hotels–”

“Jake, listen. It’s already done. Sam, Daniel and I had to make an executive decision. I’m sorry. We’re picking back up in Brazil.” 

“Brazil?! That’s in like, over a month! I don’t need that long, Josh! Tell them nevermind. I can be there.”

“Jake, stop. Listen, you’re going to be healing for weeks, you’re going to have debris in your lungs for a long time. You’re still gonna have all these side effects…tiredness, a cough, dizziness, all that. And they said it could come back if you don’t allow yourself time to heal completely. You have to allow yourself that, or else…you could end up worse and we have to cancel the rest of the tour. Okay?” He said. “And I don’t need you worse, I need you better. 100%.”

“I will be, I swear. I’m already getting there. Don’t worry about me…” you spat, feeling aggravated. 

“Don’t worry about you?! Really Jake? All I’ve done for the past three days is worry myself sick about you. Hell, I could hardly breathe myself and I wasn’t even half as bad off as you were! Laying in that damn hotel bed not able to leave or call you, no one had answers and no one knew what was wrong with you. Do you know how that felt for me? Telling me not to worry about you, fuck off. You know I feel all your shit, too.” Josh said, bringing his hands in for animation. 

“You didn’t need to worry about me, Josh, damn. I’m in a hospital in good hands…they–”

“Yeah no shit! And the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with you for a good bit of time! Sam kept us up on your state, and he didn’t tell me, but I think something really bad happened to you. I can just tell he’s not telling us the whole story. Am I right?” He went on. 

You swallowed. Your memory was fuzzy, but yeah…you think something did happen. And Sam was here for it. You stayed quiet, truly unsure how to answer, because you didn’t remember much. So you just nodded. 

“I thought so. I was worried sick, Jake. I was so scared you weren’t gonna…no one was telling me anything cause they didn’t want to upset me, make me feel worse…I thought you might not make it back to me.” He said, completely vulnerable. 

Shit. 

“Brother, you know I wasn’t going anywhere, hell. They were taking good care of me here. You know I’m not going anywhere without you, we’re going out the same way we came in, remember? You shoving me out of the way to get there first…but I’ll be following you close behind.” You said, trying to offer him some solace. 

“I know, I know. But you know how your brain works when you’re helpless and sick, it wanders off to scary places. I was trying to communicate mentally with you, begging you to please stay… I just, started thinking how fuckin’ scary that would be, if you weren’t here with me anymore. In my fever dream state it felt real, and it was shit. Okay?” He rambled. 

You laughed a little. 

“What, asshole?” He barked. 

“You really love me, don’t ya Josh?” You teased. 

“Of course I love you, you idiot.” He smiled. “Just don’t ever fuckin’ scare me like that again, understood? I’m not dealing with Sam’s shit by myself for the rest of my life.” 

You laughed again. “Alright, damn. I promise.”

“Where is Y/N? I figured she’d be back by now…” he asked, looking at the clock on the wall. 

You shook your head. “I don’t think she’s coming back tonight, Josh.”

“What? Why?”

You took as deep a breath as you could. Might as well break the news now. “Things with us are…delicate right now. I fucked up. Well, we both fucked up, actually.”

“You’re kidding me. I knew something felt weird. What happened?” He asked. 

You nodded your head to the bedside table. “Gimmie my phone.” He did, and you unlocked it, scrolling to the text thread with Elle, “Just read this.”

You watched as he silently scrolled, his eyes growing ten times in size every few seconds as he read. “What the…what the fuck?” 

Finally he handed you your phone back. “What the hell, Jake? You were going to sleep with Elle?! When did this happen? Why didn’t I know about this?”

You decided to lay the entire story out for him, beginning to end, detail by detail. He was going to find out the hard way, anyway. What you were left with at the end was his face in utter disbelief. 

“God damnit, Jacob. What kind of fuckery…” 

“I know. It’s a shitshow. But, things are alright, I guess. I just had to get pneumonia before I could really kick Sam’s ass. But Elle doesn’t know they slept together, so please, let Sam deal with that on his own. We’ve all done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks, I can tell you that.” You told him. 

“All this time, you’ve known? And you’ve been okay being around Sam?” He asked. 

“Yep. Y/N and I have been lying to all of you. I had to hang it up, put it away for the sake of the band. It’s been fucking terrible.” You relented, feeling a cough coming on. 

“I’m fucking furious, Jake. At him, at Y/N…all of you. You and Elle? Really?” He seethed. 

You nodded. “I almost did it, Josh. I really did. It almost fucking happened. And Y/N was okay with it. Wild, I know. But then your drunk ass called me to come rescue you.”

“Saved by the bell?” He said. 

“Hah, I guess. Fuckin’ always cockblocking me since we were teenagers...” You clicked your tongue. “I never did that shit to you.”

“You never had to, jackass!” 

You continued your normal conversation, going on about life and what the fuck you were going to do with it. You told Josh that you told him all of that in confidence, and as mad as he was, he agreed to go along with the act until things went back to normal. 

He left, leaving you in your bed to rest a while while he went back down to the lobby. You laid there for a long time, running over everything that had occurred in the past couple of hours. Y/N, telling you she wanted to work on things. Wanted you to work out for real. It gave you a little bit of hope that she didn’t hate you like you thought she would. But still you knew deep down that you both needed time apart. It had to happen, whether you wanted it to or not. 

The canceled tour was ripping you apart. You felt the need to apologize to everyone, tell the fans you were so sorry. You decided that when you got home, you would. And you knew exactly how you’d do it. 

You grabbed the remote from behind your head and turned on the tiny TV across the room, flipping through the channels to find something, anything to take your mind off of being in here. Carson came in a while later, startling you from a sleep you didn’t realize you were in. 

“Hey, hey! Sorry I woke you. Just gonna check some things out. Can you sit up for me?” She said. 

You pushed through every ache and pain your body presented you with while you brought yourself to sit, the weight of your lungs still heavy. 

She pressed her stethoscope to your chest and back and had you breathe deeply a few times. 

“Definitely getting better, you don’t sound nearly as raspy as you did. I’m going to give you your next dose of antibiotics through your IV now. And when you’re all through these next few doses and your levels stay up, we can remove the IV. Sound good?” She said while she recorded your blood pressure. “Then you’ll move to a round of them in pill form.”

“Sounds great. Just lovely.” You said, defeatedly.

“I’m surprised you even found somewhere to put my IV in that hand, busted up as it is.” You said, lifting your right hand and inspecting it. 

“Yeah, you were so dehydrated I couldn’t find a vein in your arms at all. Hand to resort to your hand. I noticed it’s been through some things…” she said, noting all your scars. 

“Yeah, my other arm has scars from both times I broke it, but these…all these little ones…” 

She looked closer, seeing all the little places that shards of glass had ended up that night so long ago at the bar. 

“Geez, there are tons. What did you do?” She asked. 

“Shattered glass beer bottle. Had a rough time fending off some jackass one night.” You said. “Still hurts sometimes.”

“I’d say it does. I hope you won…” she said, flicking her eyes to you. 

“I like to think I did.” You smiled, huffing loudly and readjusting yourself. 

“You hate it in here, don’t you?” She asked. 

“Eh, I’d rather be on my way to our next show right now, that’s for sure. But thank you for taking care of me. You’ve really been a light during my whole stay here.” You relented, feeling thankful that she ended up as your nurse. 

“No problem, Jake. You’ve been an excellent patient. And it was good catching up with an old friend again. I don’t get to do that much.” She said, smiling as she pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Did I really give you a scare last night?” You asked. 

She nodded. “Yeah, you did. Your vitals started crashing kinda fast. You weren’t knocking on heaven’s door or anything, but. It could have gone south fast if you weren’t here already.” She clicked a few times on her computer. “We had to call in the respiratory team. You tested my training after we left this room, and your brother's sanity, that’s for sure.”

Damn, Sam must have been just as scared as you were…

You smiled at her sudden nervousness. She leaned over you to fluff your pillow behind you. As she pulled away, your hands brushed together on the bed sheets. She decided not to move it. 

Your eyes quickly flitted up to meet hers. “Did you save me, Miss Carson Neely?” 

She giggled, shyly looking away. “No, Mr. Jacob Kiszka, me and my team saved you.” 

You felt a strange wave of something sweet fly through your body, a new, light, buzzing sensation that your brain hadn’t felt in a long time. 

She gathered her things onto the cart and began to walk away. “Just think, only a couple more days in here, and you won’t have to see my face everyday anymore.” She opened the door and began to back out. “And how did you know my Instagram name?” She left, winking secretly as the door clanked shut. 

You were left stunned. You quickly grabbed your phone, opening the app and typing in the search box. 

misscarsonneely

Follow. 

HER POV

As you step out into the lobby you see the family sitting in the same place you left them, although this time they look a lot happier, with smiles on all of their faces. As you approach they wave you over as excitedly as possible.

“Were you up there when they told him?” Karen asks.

“Told him what?” you ask.

“His doctor just came down here and told us that if he continues to improve overnight they will release him tomorrow or the next day!” Karen says. 

“Oh gosh. I hope so. I know he is tired of being here.” you reply. 

“So I was talking to Kelly, I think we are gonna checkout of the hotel and head home in the morning. I want to wash his sheets and clean up the house some. Oh, and go to the grocery store…” she pauses. “Do you want to ride with us, or?” she asks.

“Oh, um, yeah I can ride with you guys in the morning. I just need to pack up our stuff tonight I guess.” you reply.

“We’re going to head back to the hotel now, do you want to come or stay here?” she asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I drove here, so I will follow you guys.” you answer.

“Me and Sammy and Danny are gonna stay here and wait for Josh, then we will probably head back too.” Elle says, trying to reassure you.

“Okay. Just…text me if anything happens, I guess.” you smile.

She winks at you and you wave bye to Sam and Danny as you follow Karen and Kelly out the doors. 

—

Tapping your keycard to the door you step into the hotel room, grateful that you already cleaned up a little bit earlier in the day. You tossed your things onto the dresser and flopped down onto your bed. You grabbed your phone and rolled to your side trying to catch up on all of the calls and texts you’d received in the last few days. 

You click on your thread with Karen, confirming plans to leave in the morning, and realize that you need to finish packing everything up. With a groan you roll off the bed and drag yourself over to your suitcase, setting out fresh clothes for tomorrow and collecting the rest of your things. 

As you zip your suitcase, you make your way over to his, opening it and beginning to refold everything and trying to organize it better than it currently was. Bringing a couple of his shirts to your face you breathe him in, a smell you miss desperately. A tear pricks at your eye as you remember everything he said today. He misses you too. 

Collecting his toiletries you walk them back to his suitcase and place the bag inside. The tiny white bag catches your eye again, and you try to ignore it. Pretend you never saw it. But, you did. You grabbed it, and pulled it out, walking over to the desk and situating yourself in the chair. You slide the ring out of the bag and in an act of pure insanity, slid it onto your finger. 

You held your hand out, admiring how perfect it looked on your finger as a hot tear rolled down your cheek. You stare at it, and again wonder if he really was going to propose. When he would have done it. How he would have done it…where did this ring even come from? 

You pull yourself up from the desk and continue packing his suitcase, the extra weight on your finger feeling like a thousand pounds. When everything was packed away you walked back over to the desk, giving your hand one last look before sliding the ring off and putting it back in the bag. You tuck it away at the bottom of the suitcase, hoping he would think you never even saw it. But you did. And now you’d never forget. 

—

As you slid into bed later that night, you grabbed the TV remote flipping through channels, hoping for something that would take your mind off of him. But instead you found yourself settling on The Food Network, because you know that’s what he would have picked. Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives lights up the screen and you suddenly feel as if you’re back home with Jake.

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and opened your texts looking for your last message with him. You open the camera and snap a picture of the darkened room, with just the TV as the focus, hoping he will see what you’re watching. You attach the photo to the text and press send.

You

10:44pm: *Attachment*

10:44pm: It’s not the same without you… 

You set your phone down on the nightstand, knowing he is probably asleep, or just wont respond. You wouldn’t blame him. You watch for a few minutes as you learn about a Mexican restaurant in El Paso, silently wondering if you’d ever go to El Paso…

Your phone buzzes on the nightstand and you grab it as quickly as you can, hoping it was him. 

Jake

10:56pm: *Attachment*

10:56pm: I know…

Tears fill your eyes not only because he did reply, but his response, which included a photo of his view from his hospital bed, where he was watching the exact same thing.

You swiped your hand over your eyes as you replied.

You

10:59pm: Do you think we’ll ever go to El Paso?

Jake

11:00pm: I think we have to now...

You snapped another photo, of his suitcase zipped and ready next to his guitar case as they laid on his bed. 

You

11:04pm: *Attachment*

11:04pm: Ready for you to come home.

Jake

11:06pm: Me too baby

Baby? You feel your insides practically melt away reading the simple text again and again. 

You

11:10pm: See you soon…

Jake

11:11pm: Not soon enough.

You fall asleep that night with a warm feeling in your chest. Maybe there was hope. You knew you both needed time, and you’d gladly give him that. It was the least you could do. But you knew you would also give him every drop of love you had, and maybe, just maybe that would be enough to help the two of you weather this storm. 

JAKE POV

It was late when your eyes shot open, still blurry from the sleep filling them and the dim light of the room. You rolled over on the hard plastic-like pillow, the sheets scratching you as you twisted. You glanced at the clock, 2:20am. Blah. Only a few more hours until they come in to check your vitals and give you more antibiotics. You flipped to your side, hugging the extra pillow they’d given you, when something sitting in the chair caught your eye. 

What the hell is that? 

You flipped the overhead light on, illuminating the room with a buzzing fluorescent glow. 

It’s…a guitar?

You sat up, reaching hard to grab the neck of it, noticing a small note tucked between the strings. You unfolded it, turning it toward the light. 

Congratulations on beating bacterial pneumonia!

Thought you’d like to borrow this to get through your last day…

Don’t beat her up too much ;)

-Carson 

Holy shit, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. You tucked the note onto the table beside you, and laid back down on the bed. You grasped the old acoustic, feeling its weight in your hands sit just right. You positioned your hands just so, and strummed a light chord. My god, the joy you felt. This was probably the longest you’d gone without holding a guitar in your hands since before you were a teenager. You tilted your head back and let out a tiny howl at the sound of it, before tuning it up just a tad. 

You had no idea how much you missed it, the feeling of your absolute favorite object in the world in your hands. Your means of communication. Your way to make an honest living. Your tool for storytelling. One of the only things that was constant for the entirety of your life so far. She’d never let you down. 

And Carson had given it to you. Well, let you borrow it, at least. You continued playing quietly until the sun was peeking through the curtains, giving the room a dull blue tint. Your fingers were starting to ache from being out of practice for the past few days, but you welcomed the feeling. The true attachment you had with this instrument was unending. 

You grabbed your phone, opening Instagram to your direct messages. You found Carson, sending her a quick message. 

You: Thank you for the loan, I haven’t been this happy in days

To your surprise, she answered. 

Carson: Not a problem at all. How does she play?

You: Perfectly. Could use a new set of strings, though ;)

Carson: Ah, I bet it does. I haven’t picked it up in quite some time. Promise, I’ll get some new ones asap

You: See you soon?

Carson: I’ll be there to sign your discharge papers :)

You locked your phone, letting your mind drift as your fingers grazed the strings again. You closed your eyes, watching as the music floated from your fingertips directly along with the colorful waves behind your eyelids. 

Oh, shit…

You grabbed your phone again, sending Josh a quick text. 

You:

5:48am: Hey, when you come pick me up later, can you have Sam get you a new thing of acoustic strings and bring them with you? Thanks please don’t forget.

Right as the sun began to hit your face, the warmth making your skin tingle, you began to think about Y/N asleep by herself, probably still worried about you. You thought about everything she’d said, how horribly you’d treated her lately…your heart started to ache. The guilt of not telling her about Elle began pulling at your insides. You were tearing yourself up, you’d waited all your life for her, and right when you both were in a perfect spot, twisted fate came in and ripped it away. 

But she had been there all day. All week. By your side. Your fingers began to play a tune you’d never heard before, never played before…light and solemn, but happy at the same time. You memorized it, writing the notes down mentally. This sounds good… You promised yourself that you’d make it work this time. You had to, you didn’t have any other choice. You hoped to god that she intended to stay this time. 

You drifted off to sleep still playing that tune, letting the guitar slip from your hands as you slept, dreaming of finally seeing your girl tomorrow.

HER POV

The ride from Saginaw to Frankemuth was short, only half an hour at most, and you spent most of the drive laughing with Kelly and Karen about the funny things your parents got into with them before you were born. 

You knew all you could do was laugh, otherwise you’d all cry about how scary things were with Jake. You hadn’t received any updates about Jake since yesterday afternoon before you left the hospital. You hoped that no news was good news, but still, another word of reassurance wouldn’t hurt. 

As you pulled into their driveway, Kelly unloaded your bags and brought them up to Jake’s room. You and Karen made a plan for the day of the things you knew you both wanted to get done before you picked up Jake tomorrow, god willing. 

You spent most of the day assisting Karen in cleaning up, doing some of Jake’s laundry, and putting fresh sheets on his bed. You two also made a trip to the grocery store, picking up a few of his favorite things. 

It was weird being in his house without him, let alone his bedroom surrounded by his things. But you embraced it. You loved him, and all you wanted was for him to come home to you. Even if it was in a different way than before.

Around 5:00 Karen got a call that he would be discharged tomorrow, and to pick him up around noon. The house was filled with happiness and joy, but also, a bit of nervousness as none of you knew what to expect with his recovery. 

You helped Karen make a huge batch of chicken noodle soup, and later that night the three of you sat around the table testing the recipe. 

“Perfect as always, my love.” Kelly said, grabbing Karen's hand. 

You felt a shock shoot through your body. Your mind flashing to a memory of Jake saying those exact words, and sounding the exact same. You wondered if you’d ever hear those words again. 

After dinner you excused yourself to bed, ready to take a shower and get a good night's sleep before your long and emotional day tomorrow. You took extra time in the shower, letting the hot water soothe your tired muscles, and relax you enough that you would fall right asleep. 

You pulled on your favorite t-shirt and a pair of his old sweatpants and slid into his bed, wishing so badly he was there next to you. You thought of him, alone at the hospital and sighed. You hadn’t heard a word from him all day, so with the rest of the courage you had, you grabbed your phone and sent him a text. 

You opened your thread with him, and hit the camera button, snapping a picture of you curled up on his pillow, and hit send. 

You

9:47pm: *Attachment*

Jake

9:49pm: My shirt, in my bed? That’s just mean…

You

9:50pm: Clean sheets too. All to myself…

Jake

9:51pm: *Attachment*

9:51pm: This is what they are calling a pillow.

You smile as you open the photo to see Jake, laying on a flattened out piece of cotton wrapped in plastic. 

You

9:52pm: Lol, don’t worry, tomorrow you can have all of these to yourself…

9:52pm: *Attachment*

You laugh, sending him a photo of both of the pillows on his bed, looking fluffy and full.

Jake

9:54pm: Then what will you sleep on?

You

9:55pm: I don’t know, one of the pillows on the basement pull out couch.

Jake

9:56pm: No, I can probably share. Just this once…

Jake

9:57pm: What are you doing?

You

9:58pm: Rifling around your room looking for treasures…

Jake

9:59pm: Hmm, want to go on a scavenger hunt?

You

10:00pm: Okay…

Jake

10:01pm: Alright, get out of my bed and walk over to the desk

You

10:02pm: Okay I’m here…

Jake

10:03pm: Okay, open the second drawer from the bottom.

You

10:04pm: Done

Jake

10:03: Okay in the very bottom of the drawer there should be a little brown cardboard box

You

10:05pm: Yes, I see it.

Jake

10:06pm: Look inside.

Pulling the box from the drawer you open it and see it filled with CD’s. You pull one of the jewel cases out and smile. Their very first CD. You grab the next one, different from the first. Flipping through four of five untitled CD’s before getting to one you recognized, Oh, Live from Detroit, I remember that…I think I was there…

You

10:10pm: Wow, is this every single one?

Jake

10:11pm: Yeah, should be. I’m pretty sure some of those are like, the only copies in existence anymore.

You

10:12pm: Is there a CD player in here? I have to listen to these.

Jake

10:13pm: Nope. Ready to see my most favorite treasure?

You

10:15pm: Yes

Jake

10:16pm: Okay, walk over to my dresser

You

10:17pm: Here

Jake

10:18pm: Ok you see all the photos stacked in the corner?

You

10:19pm: Yes

Jake

10:18pm: Okay, ignore those. Instead, look up.

You look up and are met with your reflection in the mirror. You. You are his treasure. You aren’t even sure what to say. You just stare at the screen of your phone as you feel your heart flutter.

Jake

10:20pm: It’s true. You are my most favorite treasure. 

You swallow back the lump in your throat and walk back over to the bed, sliding in once again and snuggling up to his pillow. 

You

10:22pm: You know you’re mine too, Jake…

He doesn't respond and you figure he probably fell asleep, and you weren’t too far behind him. You place your phone on the nightstand and turn off the lamp, ready to let sleep take you away when you hear it buzz again. 

Jake

11:01pm: Remember when we used to sneak out of my window and sit on the roof and smoke so my parents wouldn’t know?

You

11:03pm: Lol yes and I was always afraid we were going to get too high and fall off.

Jake

11:05pm: You know I’d never let anything happen to you.

You

11:07pm: I know…

Jake

11:09pm: Wish we could go back.

You

11:07pm: There’s a lot of things I wish I could go back and redo.

Jake

11:11pm: All part of the journey babe, good or bad.

You

11:13pm: More bad than good…

Jake

11:14pm: And I’m still here…

You

11:16pm: But it’s not the same.

Jake

11:18pm: Not yet.

You

11:20pm: But maybe?

Jake

11:21pm: Definitely maybe

You

11:23pm: Then maybe I can make you pancakes and sing Sam Cooke with you?

Jake

11:25pm: God I fuckin’ hope so baby.

You

11:27pm: Me too. 

Jake

11:30pm: Enjoy that bed to yourself while you can…

You

11:31pm: Like it better when you’re here.

Jake

11:32pm: Me too. Goodnight babe

You

11:33pm: Night Jake ❤️

You placed your phone on the nightstand, hugging his pillow tightly to your chest, letting out a breath it felt like you'd been holding in for weeks. And as you fell asleep, you let yourself believe that things might actually be okay. 

—

You tapped your fingers nervously on the arm of the couch, you were ready to go, and you had been for nearly two hours. The clock ticking by slower than it ever has. The hospital called again this morning to confirm Jake’s discharge, and Josh was planning to meet you there and ride back with the three of you. 

“You ready to go get your man?” Karen asked jokingly.

You laughed nervously, “Yeah, I think he did his time.” you replied as you followed her out the door. 

The ride to the hospital was nervous but hopeful, you and Karen chatting about the weather and anything else you could think of, but the closer you got the more the nerves set in. Things between you and Jake had taken a drastic turn in the past two days, talking more than you had in the past few weeks. 

As you stepped into the hospital and made your way to the elevator, Josh greeted you with hugs and ‘hellos’.

“Have you been waiting long?” you asked.

“No, not really, had to come up here earlier actually, Jake needed guitar strings? I don’t know. I didn’t ask, came and brought them up and they were getting ready to start his discharge. Checked out of my hotel room and just got here a few minutes ago.” he said.

Guitar strings?

The three of you rode the elevator up to the fourth floor and you took a deep breath as Josh knocked on his door. 

Seconds later the door was opening, and for the first time in days you saw Jake behind it. 

“Wow, honey you are looking better!” Karen said, pulling him in for a hug. As he hugged her back his eyes met yours, looking much more lively than just a day ago. 

“You ready to get the fuck out of here?” Josh joked.

“Hell yes, what took you guys so long?” he laughed.

With Karen and Josh looking to you now, you stepped forward towards him as he reached his arms out to you. He wrapped his arms tightly around you like it was the only thing tethering him to earth. His face buried into your neck breathing you in as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. 

“God, I am so glad to see you.” he said. Part of you wondering if he meant it or if this was part of his act. 

He pulled away quickly as a cough shook through his chest, not nearly as bad as it was, but still not great. 

“Alright alright, let's get you home and back into bed. You’re not healed yet, son.” Karen said playfully.

He nodded and grabbed his few items, before stepping through the door and grabbing your hand in his. 

“Hey, thanks for the serenade all night, that’s a story I’ll be able to tell my grandkids one day.” The guy at the nurses station said, saluting Jake as you left. 

“Tell them you listened to me write a new song in a hospital bed!” he responded. 

“Did you really write something new?” Josh asked, leaning in close. 

“Sure did. It’s pretty sweet…think you’ll like it, too.” he said, looking over to you, his sweet grin filling your stomach with butterflies as he squeezed your hand. 

You were completely unaware that the emotions he came to terms with while laying in that bed inspired something beautiful and brand new. 

The two of you walked hand in hand to the elevator, taking the short ride down to the lobby with Karen and Josh. 

As you loaded into the car Josh joined Karen up front and Jake sat in the back with you. Each of you sat on your respective sides of the car, casting glances at each other every few seconds. You could hardly tear your eyes away from him, dressed in your most favorite item in the world. You wondered if he really meant it all those days ago when he said it wasn't his favorite. That he was going to donate it. You hoped he wouldn’t, and thankfully he didn’t.

He talked to Karen and Josh most of the drive home, but still he would look at you, the color back in his face and a small smile on his lips. 

He stretched his arm over the headrests, letting his hand fall at the nape of your neck. His fingers gently dusting the skin there as he continued to talk. Your mind began swirling with the memory of the last time you felt his touch this way. So soft and gentle. You looked over at him meeting his eyes as his thumb pressed into your skin letting you know he was thinking the same things you were.

Minutes later you were pulling into the driveway and making your way up to the front door. Sam and Elle had arrived while you were gone and were happy to see Jake in better condition. You ushered Jake upstairs, knowing he still needed tons of rest and that it was almost time for his next dose of antibiotics. He agreed, slowly making his way upstairs to his bedroom as you followed behind him. 

JAKE POV

She shuts the door behind her and leans against it as you walk over to your suitcase, laying open on the floor. You pick up a t-shirt noticing its soft texture and folded state. You pull it to your nose breathing in the scent and feeling your body physically relax. 

“Did you wash my clothes?” You ask, looking over to her still leaning against the door. 

Her eyes flick up to yours nervously, “Oh, um yes.”

You bring the shirt to your nose again breathing it in. Smells just like her.

“How does it– it smells just like you?” you question.

“Your mom and I went to the store yesterday. I picked up the laundry soap we use at home, thought it might…I don’t know, make you feel better or something.” she answers.

You stand up from your suitcase, throwing the shirt over your shoulder and walking over to her. You grab her hands and pull her into your arms, wrapping them tightly around her. Her arms snake around your back, her hands gripping into you as the two of you stand there breathing each other in. 

“Thank you.” you whisper. 

“You’re welcome…” she replies. 

You release her, stepping back and just looking at her. Really looking at her. You can tell she is nervous. After the way you’d treated her the last few weeks, you’d be nervous around you too. 

You pull off the flannel and toss it into the suitcase, pulling the black t-shirt over your head and pulling on the one you’d grabbed from your suitcase. You kicked off your jeans and threw your phone onto the bed, as she turned away.

You sat down on the edge of the bed, as you turned your attention back to her. “Hey, c’mere…”

She walked over to you, as her phone buzzed in her back pocket. She pulled it out, and looked at the screen before her eyes flashed to you.

“Time for your meds…” she said.

“Oh, are you my nurse?” you asked playfully.

“For now, though I am probably not as qualified as Carson.” she laughed.

Shit. Did she know?

“Your mom and I made chicken noodle soup for you yesterday. Do you want some? Then you can take your medicine?” she asks.

“You made it?” you ask.

“Well, yeah. Me and your mom. It’s your moms recipe, I just helped.” she admits. 

A smile crosses your face, “Yes. Please.”

“Okay, stay here. I will be back in a few.” she says, disappearing through the door.

Just ask her when she comes back. It’s just Y/N. Why are you so nervous?

A few minutes later as you’re laid back on your pillows your bedroom door opens and you see Y/N and Elle carrying in all kinds of things. 

“Brought you lunch! And snacks! Heard they were starving you in there!” Elle says. 

“I think prison food would have tasted better.” you laugh.

“Well this should be good, especially if Y/N made it.” she smiles.

“I just helped! I swear I didn’t do anything special!” she interjects.

“Sure you did. You made it for Jake right?” she asks.

A puzzled look crosses Y/N’s face, “Yeah?”

“So it was made with love. That makes everything special.” she says, scampering back through the bedroom door, shutting it behind her. 

Y/N places the bowl of soup, crackers, and water for you at your desk, motioning for you to come over. You stand up from the bed and walk over, mouth already watering just from the smell alone. You sit down and turn to her, as she places the two white pills in your hand. 

“I will be downstairs if you…need anything. You can just text me or whoever…” she says, backing up towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” you ask.

“Well, I figur–”

“You figured wrong. Stay…Hang out with me for a little bit?” you ask.

“Are you…sure?” she asks.

“Find a movie for us to watch?” you offer.

A smile slides across her face and she tries to stifle it back. She kicks off her shoes and grabs some clothes from her suitcase, running off to the bathroom to change. Minutes later she is walking back into your room in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. You swallow nervously as you take her in. Your favorite girl.

She grabs the TV remote, climbing into your bed and nestling herself into the blankets. You have a hard time keeping the smile from your own face, knowing it would be mere minutes until you were there next to her.

—

You were nervous to crawl into bed with her, but you knew once you were there everything would fall into place. It always did. You slid into the bed, pulling the familiar blankets up over your body, as she hit play on the movie. 

You rolled to your side looking up at her, deeply invested in the movie starting on the tiny screen across the room. You had no idea what movie she picked and honestly you didn’t care. The medicine you had to take made it hard for you to keep your eyes open for longer than five minutes at a time. It had been too long since you were able to just relax with her. Not a care in the world, just you and her and that's it. 

“You want this, or do I get to use it?” she smiles, offering you the pillow behind her.

You smiled back, “You can use it, but I have the freedom to change my mind at any moment.” you say playfully. She lays down into it, closing her eyes as she breathes you in. Her eyes reopen and look at you as her hand suddenly comes up towards your face. 

Her fingers gently glide over your top lip, “I kind of like the mustache Jake. It’s…I don’t know…It’s hot.”

“I couldn’t shave in the hospital, been a few days. You like it?” you ask.

Her fingers run over it again, lingering for an extra second, “Yeah. I do. Maybe you should try it out.” she smiles.

“I don’t know, maybe.” you reply, rolling to your back.

A cough rips through your chest as you turn away from her, but you feel her hand press to your chest, warm and soft even through your thin t-shirt.

You roll back with a sigh, wondering how long this cough will stick around. 

“You know, I kind of feel like this is partly my fault.” she said resting her face on her arm. 

“What? No? Why?” you question.

“The other day, in the hotel room, you were kind of out of it, coughing here and there, kept getting headaches…I asked you if you were sick and you said no, but I knew you were. I should have made you go to the doctor sooner.” she says quietly.

You roll towards her, letting your feet graze against hers, “I shouldn’t have pretended that I was okay. Just, with everything that was going on, I couldn’t deal with that too. It caught up with me though. I was stupid for thinking it wouldn’t.”

“Thank you, for taking me to the hospital though… I…am glad you were there, in the room with me. I’m glad I didn’t move you to your own room.” you admit.

Her foot slides against your leg, sending a shiver through your body, “I did. I changed all the rest of our hotel bookings for the rest of the tour. I got my own room so you didn’t have to be near me.”

“Why?” you ask, unsure you even wanted to hear the answer.

“Because you’ve spent the past two weeks showing me that’s exactly what you wanted.” she says, driving a dagger straight through your heart.

You grab her arm pulling her to lay on your chest as you wrap your arms around her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I was mean. I didn’t want to be, I was just…hurting. I shouldn’t have said those things. They aren’t even true.”

“No, I deserved it. I still do.” she says, cheek to your chest.

“Will you just, lay here with me?” you ask, into her hair.

“Am I allowed to touch you?” she whispers.

“Of course you can touch me, baby.” you answer, completely shocked that she thinks she needs to ask. 

Her hand snakes up under your shirt, resting on your chest. You can tell by her urgency that she had probably been thinking about it for a long time. You knew laying with you like this was one of her favorite things in the world. Her fingers rubbed small paths over your skin, almost like she was re-familiarizing herself with your body. You missed the way her skin felt on yours, and if it was up to you, you wouldn’t move from this spot for the next three days.

It was quiet between the two of you for a while, just the gentle rise and fall of your hand on her shoulder as she breathed. The movie continued to play across the room, but neither of you were watching it. You knew that both of you had fallen into a deep spiral of what exactly had happened between the two of you that you’d ended up here, together, but not at all.

—

The two of you later found yourselves seated around the kitchen table as your mom finished cleaning up dinner, finding that the extra long nap earlier had you waking up feeling even better than you had this morning. Part of you wondered if it was because Y/N was wrapped around you, or maybe just the new medicine you’d been given. Either way, you were starting to get into better spirits, even given your current situation.

“Our flight is leaving tomorrow, Daniel’s too.” Sam said, leaning back in the old wooden kitchen chair.

“Sammy do not lean in my chairs, the rules have not changed!” your mom yelled from across the kitchen. 

You lifted your middle finger, flipping him off with a shit eating smile as he rolled his eyes and sat back down. He scoffed and flipped you off with both hands cutting his eyes at you.

“Samuel Francis!” your mom yelled, peeking her head around the corner seeing Sam with two middle fingers in the air.

“No! That was to Jake, not to you!” he said, trying to explain. You let a small laugh leave your chest as you watched him get scolded.

“Don’t let me see that again…” she said pointing at him and returning to the kitchen.

“Fuck you Jake…” he muttered under his breath.

“No, fuck you, Sam.” you replied with a grin.

“Annnnyways….I’m probably gonna stay here with Jake, someone has to drive his ass home, and I’m not making Y/N do it.” Josh says.

“What! I can do it!” she interjects.

“I know you can, but I need you to watch him while I’m driving. I can't be chauffeur and nurse.” he laughs.

“When do you think you’ll be ready to head back?” he asks.

“Probably, like…another day or so? I am feeling way better. I could probably drive, honestly.” you say but are met with a resounding ‘No’ from everyone seated around the table.

“Jake, you can barely keep your eyes open.” she smiles.

“Okay, so tentatively the day after tomorrow…”Josh says.

“Yeah, I think so. Y/N?” you ask.

“Yeah, whatever you guys want.” she answers, as you slide your hand to rest on her leg. You feel her hand grab yours and give it a tight squeeze before she stands up and walks into the kitchen.

Sam and Elle follow after her, leaving you and Josh to sit at the table. 

“I think I would kill a man for a beer.” you say.

He laughs, and pats you on the shoulder, “Damn, you are feeling better, huh?”

You nod and send him a smile.

“I’m glad. Was scared there for a minute.” he admits.

“You can’t get rid of me, fucker…” you laugh.

Y/N walks back in with a glass of water and another handful of pills, handing you both, as she watches you take them. 

“Gonna go take a shower, don’t stay down here too long or I’m starting the next episode without you.” she says, with a smirk.

“I’ll be up in a bit.” you say, squeezing her hand as she walked away and disappeared up the stairs.

“So, are you two like…good now?” he asks.

“I mean, no. I haven’t even told her about Elle yet. Gonna wait until we get home. I just… I spent the last two weeks being a complete dick to her. Hated her, or– what she did to me. Said some really fucked up shit to her, then I found out what happened with me and Elle, and knew I fucked up. Knew I overreacted. That morning I was going to try to start being nice to her again, but then, next thing I knew I was in the fucking hospital. I spent the entire time I was in the hospital thinking about her. I fucking love her man, that shit doesn’t just go away. As much as I wanted to hate her and never talk to her again, when that alert thing started going off and I couldn’t breathe…when I thought I was about to fuckin’ die… It was her. I know it’s always going to be her.” you pause as he nods his head. 

“So I wake up and she's in my hospital room and she’s just… god, I don’t even know. Just so attentive and wants to listen to me, and be there with me. How could I not want to forgive her? I put her through hell, and I know, she’s no angel, but even after all the shit I said to her, she still came. I know I hurt her, but I know she still loves me too.” you finish.

“She does Jake. But what her and Sam did is a far worse offense than what you and Elle did.” he says.

“I know. I know that, but…I feel just as guilty. I was planning to do the same thing. I just…how can I stay mad at her when she all but gave me free reign. The only difference is that I didn’t give her permission.” you say. 

“Would you have given it?” he asks.

“No? I don’t know? Maybe? That whole night is a fucking blur, I barely, barely remember it. It was like a movie, man. Wild shit and bad decisions happening everywhere. Way too much alcohol. We were having fun, we all felt really free, I guess. One of those once in a lifetime nights, ya know? Do you know that I came and slept in your room that night?” you ask.

“What? No.” he replies.

“Yeah, after I told her we were done, I left the room. I didn’t know where to go, so I slept on the couch in your room. Left before you got up. Tried to talk to her again, went pretty fucking poorly, so I went to the bar and drank myself stupid.” you confess.

“I just feel like…I got really lucky that she was in the room with me the other night. I don’t know what would have happened if she wasn’t. I got a second chance, you know? So why shouldn’t I give her one, too?” you finish.

“That’s your call brother. I know she loves you. I know you love her. But sometimes things aren’t that cut and dry. I know you’ll make the right call though. You always do. I’m glad you are feeling better and I’m glad you told me about everything. You know I will help you any way I can.” he says, standing up from the table. 

“I realized while I was in the hospital that I don’t tell you guys that I love you, nearly enough. You know I’m not an emotional kind of guy, but… I do, love you.”

A smile crosses his face at your confession, “I love you too Jakey. And for the record you might be the most emotional guy I know.”

You smile and pat his back as you walk away up the stairs, trying to keep your heart rate down and avoid a coughing fit. You twist the door knob, and as you step inside you see Y/N squatting down in front of her suitcase looking for her pajamas, her towel twisted on top of her head. 

You’d missed seeing her like this. Sure you’ve been with her nearly every night in the hotel room, but something about being here was different. You pulled your shirt over your head and tied your hair up at the base of your neck, letting your sweats fall to the floor before sliding into your bed with a groan. Your body was sore from all the coughing you’d done the past few days, and your muscles were extremely tight as a result. 

Y/N flipped the towel off of her head, dragging her brush through it, and tossing it back into her suitcase. She had on her normal pajamas of an oversized t-shirt and panties, though she’d been opting for shorts as well more recently. You were interested to see what she would choose tonight. 

She looked over her shoulder as you watched her make the decision, and as she shut her suitcase you couldn’t help the smile on your face. She turned off the overhead light, leaving the room lit by the TV, as she crawled over you into the bed. 

“You gonna turn it on?” she asks, positioning herself under the blankets.

“What?” you ask.

“Our show?” she answers, so normally. 

“Do you want me to?” you ask.

“Well yeah. Don’t you want to know what's going to happen to the cigarette smoking man?” she asks.

You turn to her and pull her into your side, letting her cuddle up to you in her favorite spot as you hit play on the remote.

About halfway through the episode you feel your eyes starting to get heavy, thanks to that damn medicine. You have been lazily running your fingers through her still damp hair, and halfway paying attention to the show on the screen as you just enjoy the feeling of her draped over your body.

Your phone buzzes on the nightstand causing both of you to turn your heads. You reach over and grab it, pulling it out in front of you to see who it is. You and Y/N both squint at the brightness of your screen as you quickly turn it down. 

You click on the notification letting it open your Instagram DM’s and seeing Carson's name appear at the top.

Carson:You changed my strings? You didn’t have to do that! You’re a sweetheart. 💕

Your heart starts to race as you quickly lock your screen and place the phone back on your nightstand, hoping she didn’t see. 

“So that’s why you needed strings…” she says, laying her head back down on your chest.

“Just trying to be nice. She practically saved my life you know…” you say, hoping to play it off.

A few minutes pass and it's silent between the two of you. You swallow nervously as you grab the remote and pause the show, before turning off the TV. She turns to look at you, resting her chin on your chest.

You turn onto your side, letting her fall beneath you, as you cup her face in your hand.

“For three days that woman had to listen to me ask for you. Beg, really. Were we good friends in highschool, yeah, sure. But I haven’t talked to her since graduation. She did something nice for me, so I did something nice for her. If anyone knows how I feel about you, it’s her.” you say.

“How do you feel?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Josh. When I was scared to death, thought I was about to die, your face was all I could see.” you reply.

“Really?” she breathes.

You lay your face onto hers, letting her lips lay against your cheek, as you force yourself not to show her exactly how you feel. “Yeah, baby.” you whisper.

“You wanna go to sleep?” you ask.

“Will you hold me?” she asks, the tone in her voice nervous that you might say no.

You roll her to her side and pull her into your chest, letting your head settle into your pillow as you twist your fingers with hers. It feels so, so good to be with her like this. Your missing piece. 

You breathe in deeply and let it go, finally feeling the weight lift from your chest as you let your eyes close. Suddenly you feel her turning in your arms, her face centimeters from hers.

“Hey Jake?” she whispers. 

You open your eyes and see her looking back at you, “Yeah?”

“It’d be you, too.” she says.

You send her a puzzled look. 

“If I was dying. It would be you, for me. It always has been.” she breathes.

You grab her face with your right hand, cupping her cheek as you press your lips to hers in the kiss that has been dancing between the two of you all day. Her lips are soft and full, and warm, and everything you thought about for the past two weeks without her. Her hand snakes up your bare chest, resting on your neck as she kisses you back; her lips like velvet as they move against your own. 

After a minute you force yourself to pull away from her, just looking into her eyes for a few seconds, before you pull her body back into yours and lay down on your pillow. Though this time you are holding her closer, and holding her tighter, knowing you can’t let her go again. Not ever.

“Goodnight, love.” you whisper softly into her ear.

She rolls her neck to the side, letting you place one soft barely there kiss to her skin as she whispers back to you in her perfectly sleepy voice, “Goodnight, babe.”

HER POV

Evening was drawing near again; you’d spent almost the entire day at your parents’, soaking in the hours you had with them and explaining everything that had been happening the past few days. They were devastated to hear about Jake’s health and the cancellation of the next shows, but they agreed it was in his best interest. 

After dinner and more sweet goodbyes, you told them you were off to play nurse again, and you’d call them when you got back to Nashville. 

You crept back into Jake’s house, the smell of leftover dinner aroma filling your nose. It seemed though mostly everyone had gone to bed, until you heard laughing outside on the back porch. 

You waltzed to the sliding door, peeking through the blinds and found Jake and Josh sitting and talking, bundled up with jackets and scarves. 

You slowly opened the sliding door, and poked your head out. “What are you two doing? It’s freezing out here!”

“No it’s not, Y/N, you’ve just gotten accustomed to the warmth of Tennessee.” Josh laughed. Normally you would find them out here having a beer or sharing a joint, but both of those things weren’t allowed in the house for quite a bit yet. 

“Yeah. Both our doctors told us fresh air would do us some good, so here we are…” Jake said. “I’ll be in in a minute, though.”

“Take your time, get all the fresh air you can! I need you both well.” You closed the door quickly behind you, stopping the brisk air from entering the house. You wondered if Jake had told Josh about anything, and you wondered how he was going to react when he finally did. You weren’t looking forward to that. 

You’d been cuddled up in Jake’s bed reading a book when you heard his door squeak open. You turned sleepily to find him pulling off his scarf, hat, coat, and all the layers he had bundled up in. 

“Hey, whatcha been doing today?” You asked. 

When he was down to his boxers, he climbed in bed beside you, pushing his chilled body against yours. “Missing the hell out of you, that’s what I’ve been doing.”

“God, Jake! You’re so cold, quit!” You laughed and pulled away as he placed his cold hands on your stomach. 

“But I need you to warm me up!” He complained as he grabbed you again, pulling you closer. His freezing cold face was buried in your neck, his hot breath a contrast to the frozen nose pressed into your ear. You felt your whole body tingle, feeling him this close again. Mmm, slow down Jake. But also please don’t…

You let your body roll over against his, sucking up the fact that he was almost frozen solid and giving you chill bumps. “Ahh, that’s better…” he said as he shivered into you, letting out a low growl as he thawed out. Your lips traveled on their own, slipping down the curve of his cold neck, laying tiny kisses as you trailed down to his shoulder, your body begging you to keep taking it further. 

But you couldn’t. You had to go slow, keep your feelings at bay. You weren’t together…but then you saw his deep brown eyes flick up to yours, his eyelids heavy already. His hand grabbed the back of your neck softly, pulling you to meet face to face. Your lips fought to reach out to his, connecting again like they had last night. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this…” he whispered. 

“No, we shouldn’t.” You answered, as he pulled your neck again, letting you stop just millimeters from his lips. You let your tongue sneak out, brushing it into his mouth before pressing your lips to his in a flurry of hitched breaths and grabbing hands. His kiss was hurried and hot, pulling you over on top of him. His hands buried in your hair, and yours cupping his head. It was fast and frantic, like you’d been starved for one another for years upon years. Finally, so perfect. Your Jake…

…but wait. Suddenly you pulled away, disconnecting the two of you as you wiped your lips off with your hand. You shook your head quickly from side to side. “This isn’t right Jake. We can’t…” you laid back down beside him. 

“Fuck you’re right. You’re right you’re right. We can’t. I’m sorry, I just–”

You leaned in and kissed him again, the pull to him overtaking your entire mind, body and soul. He kissed you back, this time slow and sweet, the kind that set your insides on fire. You couldn’t help the whimper that escaped your lips at the overwhelming feeling of passionate want for him swimming through your body. 

“Mmm, gotta stop making those noises baby, driving me crazy already…” he whispered between deep, engulfing kisses. “We can’t be doing these things…breaking our own rules…”

You rolled him so you were on your back, him hovering over you. His hand instinctively reached down and pulled your leg over his, hitching it and burying his hand in your hip. 

“Truly not the best idea…we should really stop while we’re ahead…” you breathed into him, tongues searching into each other’s mouths again. “But we never came up with any rules though, did we?” You stated more than asked. 

“Mm, nope. We should have laid some down.” He said, gritting his teeth together, flexing his jaw and moving his eyes from your lips down to your breasts. “What’s rule number one, baby? Tell me what we can’t do…” he said, kissing you hard again. 

Your mind was swirling, fighting between wanting to say fuck it and sleep with him, and deciding that you needed to stop. Truly stop. And show yourselves that you could do it. It was time to grow up…but god…his hands on you…

“Rule number one is no kissing.” You said as he brushed his hand down your neck, pulling your tit into his hand and squeezing it, the touch alone making you want to moan obscenities. He pulled his mouth away from yours. 

“Okay, no kissing. Got it.” He breathed, chest heaving. 

“Rule number two, no touching, like that…” he firmly gripped your tit again, pulling and twisting your nipple just the way you fuckin liked. 

“Okay, no touching like that. And three?” He asked, body buzzing. 

“Rule three is… I still get to tell you I love you every single day, how much I care for you, and how sorry I am that I hurt you so badly. How much I want to make this work. And how much I want you to be the person I wake up next to every single morning for the rest of my life.” You spit the words out before you could think about them, and they took him by a little bit of surprise. 

He sat back, admiring you. A small smile crept to his lips as he brought his lips to your forehead, kissing it hard. He nodded. “Okay. Okay baby.”

You let yourselves calm down, settling into a state of relaxation again after getting so worked up. 

“So, you never said no sex, though. So we can still do that, right? Just no kissing or touching?” He said after a few minutes. You rolled up and smacked him across the chest. 

“Jacob!” You laughed. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Lay back down. Go to sleep.”

“Gonna be hard to go to sleep after feeling you like that again…” you said, laughing. 

“No shit, I already wanna break those rules so fuckin’ bad.” He laughed too, both of you realizing how much you turned each other on. 

“Jake, I wanna tell you something.” You sat up on your elbows. “We both know we’ve got to give each other time, right? We owe it to each other.” He nodded.

“I talked to Logan, and he and a couple friends have a big house, and they’re looking for one more roommate. I told him that I’d take the room. I think it would be best for us, right now. So we can truly have our space away from each other.” You went on. You watched his face fall. “Things feel okay right now, but let’s be honest Jake, I hurt the hell out of you. And I still harbor that guilt. I’ve got to have my time, and I have to give you yours.”

He sighed deeply. You could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t like the idea, but he understood where you were coming from. You thought back to how horribly he talked to you just a week ago, how awful things were…you didn’t want to end up there again. 

“Can we talk more about it tomorrow?” He asked. You could tell his meds were kicking into overdrive. 

“Yeah, babe. Tomorrow.”

You both ended up cuddling again, each of you falling asleep with the love of your life. And you promised yourself right there that you’d spend everyday proving it to him. 

——

The next morning you woke up early to head back home, Jake finally having more strength than he had all week. It was good seeing color in his face again and you knew he was anxious to get back to Tennessee. 

You made your home in the backseat while Josh hopped into the drivers seat, and Jake manned the copilot seat. You’d made yourself a little bed in the back, ready to curl up with your book. 

You’d been on the road maybe an hour or so when you got a text from Jake. 

Jake

9:12am: Please don’t move out

You

9:13am: Jake, you know we need our space right now

Jake

9:15am: Yes, we do. So I’ll just go to the guest room. You can have our bedroom again. Just… please stay. Don’t go away.

You looked out the window at the passing trees, knowing in your heart that you truly didn’t want to move out. But could you make it work? Moving away from him seemed like a good idea, but also, what if it wasn’t? What if it drove you even further apart? What if so much time passed, that you never ended up coming back? 

You

9:20am: Okay. One condition. 

Jake

9:21am: Tell me

You

9:22am: The guest room is mine.  

——

A while later, you’d made it to somewhere deep in Kentucky when you felt your stomach rumble. 

“Do you guys wanna stop for food soon? I’m starving.” You said, closing your book. 

“Hell yes I’m starving too.” Josh said, bringing up his GPS. “Jake, you’ve had nothing but jell-o and hard boiled eggs for 4 days, you pick where we go.” 

“Do you guys really wanna know what I want?” Jake went on. “You can’t say no…”

Josh nodded. “Yeah okay I guess…”

“I want fuckin’ Dairy Queen. Chicken strips, and honey mustard, and french fries, and a giant turtle blizzard.” He said, making weird mouth sounds as he talked. “My mouth is literally watering right now. All I could think about in that damn hospital bed was fucking up a blizzard bigger than my face.”

You and Josh erupted with laughter. “Of all the places in the world, and you want Dairy Queen?” He laughed at his twin. 

“What do you have against the Queen of Dairy, Josh?” Jake said blankly, his British accent coming back full force. “Shit’s delicious and that’s where I want to go, got it, damn it?”

You were laughing hard now. “I love Dairy Queen. Sounds good to me babe.” 

Josh raised his eyebrows. “Oooookay then, find the closest one.”

——

Jake was still eating his ice cream on the walk back to the car, a giant smile planted across his face as his red spoon hung from his lips. 

“I’m gonna sit in the back with you. I’m getting tired.” He said, going around to the back door of the car. 

“Meds kicking in already?” You asked. 

“Yep. Big time. Plus I know if I lay down in your lap you’ll play with my hair.” He said, raising his eyebrows in question. 

“I don’t remember making that deal, now.” You answered, knowing that yes, you would play with his hair if he laid in your lap. 

Josh started the car up again and rerouted the GPS. “Josh, I didn’t even see if you needed a break, want me to drive any?” You asked. 

“No no, you coddle him. I’m good to go. Had me my strawberry sundae so I’m ready for the next 200 miles, baby.” He said, placing his sunglasses over his eyes and pulling out of the lot. 

Jake finished his oversized blizzard and put the cup in the door, curling his legs up underneath him as he laid his head onto your lap. He then fished around behind him for your hand that was once again holding your book, grabbed it, and threw it on his own head. “Pleeease?” He whined. 

You giggled, knowing he wanted you to play with his hair. So you obliged, holding your book in your left hand and pulling through his long silky strands with your right. 

You didn’t even notice him on his phone at first, but your eyes inadvertently popped down to his screen below your book. You saw the name Carson, and immediately your stomach fell. They’re still talking? What could they be messaging about? But you couldn’t say a word. It wasn’t your place. 

“Ya know Jake, with your peach fuzz mustache growing in and your hair getting longer by the day, you might actually turn into a pirate by the time we get back home.” You laughed. 

“Mmm, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” He said flirtatiously look up at you. 

“Uggghhhhhh…gross.” Josh said from the front. “Don’t make me turn the music up louder cause I will.”

“I’m thinking about cutting it. I miss how bouncy it was. Now it just sticks to my face when I sweat. I hate pulling it off my neck during shows.” Jake went on, his voice getting sleepier. 

“But that’s what they love, Jake. Haven’t you seen all those crazy people on your TikTac or whatever that things called? Wanting to collect your sweat in fucking vials and shit?” Josh yelled. 

“Oh my God, Josh!” You laughed hard. 

“What? I can’t help it that I’m a super fuckin’ sexbeast on stage! It’s not my fault…” Jake laughed, obviously feeling himself from the medication and overload of sugar.

“My god, you two are insane. And don’t call yourself a ‘sexbeast’ ever again.” You mumbled, going back to your book. You rode on for a little bit, feeling a bit drowsy yourself. Your eyes kept flitting open and closed while the words began to jumble. 

Suddenly you saw a finger flick down onto your page. “Ya like it so far?” Jake asked through a yawn. 

You smiled. “Yeah, I’m really into it. I hope you don’t mind I borrowed it…” you said, realizing you never asked. 

“What’s mine is yours, babe. And that is one of my favorites.” He said, tucking his hand between your thighs, and curling up on your lap again, letting himself drift off into a much needed slumber. You traced the plains and curves of his face with your fingers, letting them drag over his eyebrows and down the slope of his nose. Even in his sleep he would whine at the pleasant feeling, leaning into your touch. You loved him. More now than ever before. The thought of losing him, showing you everything you already knew, in a whole new light.

An hour or so passed and you somehow manage to stay awake, the upbeat lull of Josh’s quirky playlists keeping your mind piqued. 

“Almost home, you wanna drop Jake off at the house then take me to the office to get my car?” Josh asked, turning the music down. 

“Yeah, that sounds good to me.” You said, placing a dog ear on your page and setting the book on the floorboard. 

A bit later you pulled onto your street, the sun beginning to dip low in the sky. You jostled Jake awake as best you could. “Hey Jake, we’re home. You wanna go ahead inside? I’m gonna take Josh back to his car.”

He stretched, rubbed his eyes, and nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get the bags and stuff out.” You all slinked out of the car, stretching your legs after the long ride. 

“Ahh, feels good to be back in the non frigid temperature, eh guys?” Josh said, helping to pull your suitcases from the back of the car. “I’ll get it brother. You don’t need to get winded.” He handed him a small bag, and wheeled his larger one up to the door. 

“I’ll be back in just a bit.” You told Jake as you placed your suitcase inside the front door. 

You switched Josh out to take the driver’s seat, adjusting the chair and mirrors a bit to fit your liking. This was going to be your first time alone with Josh, and you wondered if Jake had mentioned anything. 

You’d been on the road just a few minutes before he spoke up. 

“You know, you guys don’t have to keep the charade up when you’re around me, right?” He asked, breaking the ice. 

Fuck. Of course Jake told him. 

“Ah, Jake had a little conversation with you, didn’t he?” You said, flipping the blinker to turn into traffic. 

“He did. I’m still not very happy with you, Y/N. I hope you know. Sam either.” He said blankly. Ouch. Would you ever stop hurting Josh, too? 

“I know you’re not, Josh. I wouldn’t be happy with us either. Hell, I’m still so mad at myself I can hardly see straight.” You were both quiet for a bit before you decided to keep going. 

“I know there’s nothing I can say to fix it, except that I hope you know that Jake and I have talked through everything, for the most part. He knows and I know that I made a huge mistake. I can’t go back and change anything, so I’m just going to take my mistake and grow from it. I’m really ready to grow up now, Josh. I have to. I have to be the person he needs, and the person that I need. I’m going to start working on myself, fixing my faults and moving toward better days.” You were quiet again. 

“I hope you know how much I love him.” You mumbled, wishing that Josh would say something. Anything. 

“I do. And I know how much he loves you. Even though I can’t believe the shit that went down, with Sam and everything, I know that you guys will figure it out. You have to.” 

You nodded. “Thanks, Josh. Remember you can stay mad at me for as long as you need. But I’m still going to keep being here for him. And for you guys.” 

“I know you are. You’re family, remember?” He muttered. 

You glanced at Josh, a tiny smile on his lips. 

“Yeah, family.” You smiled, holding your hand out to hold his. He grasped it back, squeezing it tightly, and placed a tiny kiss to your knuckles. 

“I have a question, though. Well, a condition, maybe. An option?” Josh said. 

“Ha ha, yes?” 

“Start coming to yoga with me. Take some classes. You said you wanted to work on yourself, what better place to start than right here?” He said, reaching his hand over and touching the spot right below your breastbone. 

“No, Josh, I can’t! I’ve never done yoga…” you went on, surprised at his proposition as you put the car in park in the lot. 

“So? That doesn’t matter. Yoga is an actual journey, and I’m telling you right now, it’ll help you get in touch with yourself quicker than any self-help podcast or whatever. Come with me. I’ll even go back to beginner classes with you.” He said. 

You considered it, biting your cheek into your mouth. “You really think it would help me?”

“I know it will help you. I promise. And, it feels good. Every single time you leave, you’ll wonder why you didn’t start sooner. And you’ll get to hang out with me, and what’s better than that?” He joked. 

You giggled, punching him on the shoulder. “Okay, I guess I could try it out. Yeah, let’s do it.” 

“Perfect! It’s settled then!” He leaned over to kiss your cheek. “I’m still very disappointed in you, but I’m also excited. When we go back on the road, I have some great classes on YouTube I use.”

He climbed out of the car, letting the cool rush of air cut through the blowing heat from the vents. “See you later!”

Hmm, you, a yogi?

JAKE POV

Walking back into your home after the past few weeks felt eerie. The walls felt warm and welcoming, but the darkness is what got you. After lying in a hospital for days, all you really wanted was to be back in your home, with Y/N, a fire going, music playing, and life happening all around you. 

You walked yours and Y/N’s suitcases to your bedroom, switching on all the lights as you did so. You lifted the suitcases, placing them on the bed so you could unpack a little later. A cough rattled through your chest, sending tiny shooting pains into your lungs, but not nearly as bad as it hurt a few days ago. 

You could still feel the lethargy, the exhaustion, and the body aches hanging in your body, and you knew they were right. You needed rest. No way you could go back out on the road right now. 

You walked around the house, ready to pick up the little messes you’d left behind before you left. But there were none. In fact, the place was so clean you could eat off the floor. The floor…had the wood been shined? You walked to the bathroom. Spotless. Shower scrubbed, laundry done, bedsheets changed with folded extras in the closets…what the hell? It almost felt sterile…

You decided you’d talk to Y/N about that when she got home. In the meantime, your fingers were itching to play something, so you decided to go into the study and turn on the fireplace, drifting away playing that new tune you had written in the hospital until Y/N got back. 

You walked into the study, finding that your acoustic wasn’t in its normal place. Oh, you’d taken it upstairs to hide away forever in the closet. Back when things were bad. Back when the guitar held horrible memories. 

You ran up the stairs and pulled it from the closet, also in a different place than you’d left it. 

Fuck. 

You made your way back downstairs, completely winded, and sat down in your leather chair to check the tuning. It felt so perfect in your hands, your old faithful. Always there when you needed it. You glanced to the desk, as something out of place caught your eye. Small and red…

Wait. Your notebook. The one you’d given to Y/N for Christmas. Sitting right here on your desk. And…a flower laid perfectly on top? Dried and wilted and brown, with only one petal. 

——

You aren't sure how long you'd been sitting there staring at the notebook, it had to be at least an hour. Flipping through the pages reminiscing on all the memories it held. Finding it on the desk felt like someone had ripped your heart out of your chest. Why would she leave this? Did she not want it anymore?

You sat back in your chair twirling the flower stem in your hand. One last petal. One last she loves me. Or maybe she loves me not and that's why she left it? 

You hear the front door open slowly, and seconds later she’s stepping into the house. You continue to sit there, twirling the brown stem in your fingers, just waiting for her to find you.

“Jake, what are you doing babe, you need to get in bed.” she says, tossing her things on the table by the door.

She steps into the study, and as she gets closer she spots the notebook on your lap at the flower in your hand. Her face goes white as she makes the realization.

 “You don’t want it anymore?” you ask.

“No…Jake…” she says, fighting off tears.

“You left it…were you not… were you not going to come back?” you ask, your voice shaking.

“When I left here, we weren’t even speaking Jake, I– I didn’t think you wanted me back here. I thought we were done, over, all of it. I couldn’t take it. I could hardly look at it. Just reminded me how badly I betrayed you. What I did to us.” she admits.

“The flower. You left one petal…” you question.

“I just…wanted to tell you I loved you one last time.” she replies quietly.

You run your hand over your face. It’s time. You have to tell her.

You stand up from the chair, and reach your hand out to her, letting her clasp her hand with yours as you lead the two of you to your bedroom.

You lead her to the end of the bed, and she sits as you kick off your shoes and flannel. You join her on the edge of the bed, taking a deep breath. “I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something. I’ve needed to tell you for a few days, but… I just couldn’t find the right time.” you say.

Her face drops, and you wonder what she's thinking. 

“You know that whole night… it’s kind of a blur to me. I really don’t remember much of it. I think I was just so mad initially about you and Sam, that I kind of blocked out everything else. My brain was only focusing on that hurt.” you start.

She nods her head as you continue, grabbing her hands in yours, “I don’t remember much of what happened in that hotel room with them. Part of me tried to just forget the whole thing ever happened, but a few days ago, Elle texted me.” 

Her eyes widened at her name, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. She, apologized for kind of pushing the limits, so to speak. At first I had no idea what she was talking about, so I told her that. And well, she told me what happened.” you say, pulling your phone from your pocket. You scroll to your messages with Elle and hand the phone to her, to let her read for herself.

You watch as she reads the messages, her brow furrowing and relaxing a few times over before she reaches the end. She looks over at you, a confused look on her face. 

“You don’t remember any of that?” she asks.

“No, well, I didn’t but, now I kind of do. Bits and pieces.” you confess. “I’m so sorry. I…I wouldn’t have been such a dick if I had known that… I don’t know… that I was probably going to do it too. How could I be mad at you if I was going to do the same thing? I– I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“Jake… It’s not the same. I went behind your back. There was no conversation between us where you said it was okay for me to do that... I cheated on you. It’s different because I knew you two were probably going to hook up and I was okay with it. Do you not remember our conversation about it, either?” she asks.

“Not much…” you breathe.

“Jake, I told you right as you got that phone call from Josh. I told you it was okay. I told you I knew things with you and her were looking like they were heading that way. I gave you a free pass, I told you I trusted you both. I’m not mad baby, I gave you permission.” she says, rubbing her hand up your arm. “I thought you knew that…”

“Did I…tell you, you could…?” you ask, hoping she knows what you’re asking.

“No. We never finished the conversation. Your phone rang, and then you left. Part of me thought maybe, you kind of had? We never spoke the words, but we both sort of acted like we were going to…ya know. Switch, I guess. But I don’t know, the second it happened I knew what I was doing was so wrong. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I shouldn’t have stayed. I should have left with you. I know that now. But I had to learn the hard way.”

“Y/N…” you say, running your hand over her shoulder. 

“Why aren’t you mad baby? The guilt has been eating me alive for days…I feel like you should be mad at me.” you say.

“Because Jake, I knew that you two were probably going to. I came to terms with it the second the two of you started making out. It hurt a little, but I knew it was just a one time thing. I knew you loved me, and you were coming home to me. You promised me that. What did I have to worry about?” she pauses. “But… the weed, the alcohol… it got to me. I took things past where they should have gone. And I ruined it. I ruined everything we built.”

“You had every right to do what you did that night Jake. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but…I hope that maybe one day…” she trails off. 

You twist your fingers with hers as you bite your lips together. “One day.”

“That’s why I feel like we need space from each other. So that you can process and have time to figure out what you want. So maybe you can forgive me. It’s easy for us to fall back into our same pattern if I am here everyday, and around to tempt you. If I’m gone, maybe you’ll realize that this isn’t what you actually want, or maybe we will both realize it is. I don’t know, do you know what I’m trying to say?” she says. “None of this makes sense, it’s like there’s not a correct road to take.”

“Y/N…I completely understand. But, can I ask you a question?” you ask.

“Yeah…” she breathes.

“Do you love me?” you ask.

“Yes, I do.” she replies.

You nod, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” you ask nervously.

“Every single second.” she replies.

“So why would you walk away from that?” you ask.

“I…I just want to give you space to figure out if that's what you want, Jake…”

“Baby, I have known that since the night you picked those glass shards out of my hands. There’s nothing left to figure out.” you reply.

“So please. Don’t go because you think it’s what I want, or what I need. What I need is you. Always you. I know I need time to forgive you, but that’s something I am willing to work on together. I want you to have your space though, so I am fine with you staying in the guest room, as long as you want. We can follow all your rules, and shit, I don’t even care if you add ten more. I’ll follow them. All of them. I just… I know what I want, and it’s you and it will always be you.” you finish.

She wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you into her. You wrap your arms around her and pull her down to lay back onto the bed. You hold each other there for a few minutes, just feeling each other closely as your bodies melt into one. 

It’s quiet, just the sounds of your breathing filling the air in the dim room. Your room. The room you hoped to share with her again one day. You would. You just knew. 

Her phone alarm began to echo through the house, bouncing off of the walls and into your ears as she pulled away from you. You held her hand as she pulled away walking towards the door to grab her phone. The alarm stopped and you heard her make her way into the kitchen before returning back to the bedroom with a glass of water. 

She came back to the bed, standing between your parted legs, “How about you take a shower, and get in bed, while I find something for you to eat before you take these pills.”

“Is it time already?” you ask.

She grabs your hand and pulls you up from the bed, shooing you off to the shower, as she disappears through the door. 

You had to admit the shower felt good. As much as you hated postponing the first leg of tour, there was nothing quite like being home. You ran your towel through your hair and pulled on a pair of boxers before making your way back to the bed, and pulling back the duvet. Sliding into your own bed felt like heaven. You opened your side table to grab the TV remote and stopped when you saw her photo.

Fuck.

You had forgotten you took it out of your wallet. You pulled it out, tattered around the edges and looked at it. You looked into the drawer again, finding the pick, right where you left it. Thank god. How could you have ever been that mad?

You quickly got up, finding your jeans on the floor, and fishing out your wallet. You hastily put the items back where they belonged, and jumped back into bed before she came back. 

You grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, seeing it still paused on the documentary you started a few weeks ago, but at the end, not the beginning where you left it. Did she finish it?

Seconds later Y/N walked back into the room, carrying a plate.

“Best we had. We need to go to the store.” she laughed. 

“We can go. Do you want to go tomorrow?” you offered.

“I will go. You need to stay in bed and rest.” she says.

“But I want to go do something…I’ve been in bed for days…” you whine.

“Okay, maybe.” she concedes.

“Make sure you take those after you eat, okay? Almost done with them. Two more days I think.” she says, pointing to the pills on the nightstand. 

“I will.”

“Okay…I’ll see–” she says, slowly walking to the door. 

“Wait! Are we…not gonna see what Scully’s solution is?” you ask, hoping she would come back.

“Jake…” she groans, leaning into the door frame.

You nod towards the TV, bringing up the episode you stopped on. 

“Let me change, and then we can watch one episode. But I’m staying on the other side of the bed, then I am going to the guest room when it’s over.” she says.

“Yes Ma’am.” 

—

A few minutes later she is walking back into your room in a blue silky pajama set, your mouth positively watering as she releases her hair from her bun as she walks to the other side of the bed. 

She pulls back the duvet and slides into the bed, sighing as her head hits the pillow, “God, I forgot how comfy this bed is…”

“Mmhm….” you smirk, biting your lips together as you look at her. 

She turns to look at you, you still examining every inch of her body that she was willing to show you.

“What?” she scoffs.

You smile and shake your head, “Nothing. You’re just…gorgeous.”

“Jake…” she warns.

“I’m not breaking any rules.” you quip.

“Just hit play.” she says, turning back to the TV.

You finished your food and took the pills like she said, and within minutes you start to feel drowsy. You turn off the lamp that was lighting the room, and roll toward the center of the bed to keep watching. 

When the episode ends and she doesn't make a sound, you turn to look at her, only to realize she's been asleep the whole time. You just look at her for a minute, taking in the subtle part of her lips and the way her chest is rising in falling in her deeply content sleep. How could you possibly dream of waking her up?

You pull the duvet up over her shoulders and brush the hair from her face before quietly rolling out of the bed and bringing your dishes to the kitchen. As you place the items in the sink you spot her phone on the counter, and decide to bring it to the bedroom for her. You grab the phone charger she keeps in her purse and quietly plug in her phone and place it on the nightstand next to her head. 

You return back to the bed, and let out a sigh, ready to finally sleep in your own bed. As your eyes close you feel her body move closer to yours, cuddling into your side before going still once again. You wrap your arm around her, and gently kiss her forehead, closing your eyes and finally feeling like things might turn out okay after all. Just you and her, right where you should be.

—

Your eyes open slowly, adjusting to the light of the room as you blink away the sleep. You let out a huge yawn, noting that your deep breath isn’t nearly as painful as it has been. You reach your arm to the other side of the bed to feel for her, but all you’re met with is cold sheets.

You sit up on your elbows looking around to see her phone gone and her side of the bed made. What the hell?

You roll over to your side to grab your phone but see a folded note sitting on top of it. You grab it and rub your eyes before opening it and reading it.

Jake,

Went to meet Logan for breakfast. 

Will be back soon and we can go to the store. 

Next dose of medicine is at 9:45, don’t forget.

xo

You fold the note and set it on your night stand, laying back into your pillow. Logan?

You roll out of bed and into the kitchen, seeing the coffee pot still on and half full, your favorite mug waiting by the machine. You smile to yourself, knowing she took extra time to do that for you. You pour some coffee into the mug and make your way back to the bedroom, rummaging around for a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, finding everything you’re looking for simply because she did all your laundry. While you were a total asshole to her. While you left her here alone. While she thought you hated her.

God, I fucked up.

You pull the clothes on and make your way to the front porch, settling yourself in the wooden rocking chair as you enjoy the sun on your skin. You scroll aimlessly on your phone for a while, wondering what time she left this morning, and how long you slept after. 

After draining your mug you returned back inside, deciding that if you were going to be banished to your house for a few weeks you would at least be productive. You made your way over to your record cabinet and pulled the entire stack. You made piles by letter and began organizing each one into the appropriate pile, by artist name. 

You must have lost track of time, because the next thing you knew your phone was ringing alerting you that it was time to take your pills. You pulled yourself up from the floor and made your way into the kitchen, grabbing the medicine and a glass of water and following the rules laid out for you. 

You returned back to your study and finished putting the last of the albums into the cabinet, very satisfied that you’d completed a project you’d been wanting to do for a long time. 

You drug yourself into the bedroom to start unpacking your suitcase, taking out the clean items and putting them away until it was time to pack again. As you reached the bottom the tiny white bag laid there just staring at you. Shit. You had almost forgotten about it. Where should you put it?

You grabbed the bag, sitting on the bed and dumping it out into your hand. You held the tiny piece of circular gold metal between your fingers letting the small diamond glint in the light. You imagined what it would look like on her finger, tying her to you forever. You wanted it. You wanted it more than anything. You wondered if you would ever get back to that point with her. You hoped and prayed you would, but for now you needed to hide this away. Somewhere she would never ever find it. 

You stood up and walked into the hallway, spotting your guitar case leaning against the wall. Perfect. You bent down and unlatched the locks, opening it up to see your guitar sitting perfectly nestled in the red velvet confines. You opened the tiny pick slot, and slid the white bag inside, shutting the small slot, and reclosing the case. Safe and sound. You knew the crew guarded this case with their lives. No one was getting their hands on it other than you. You walked the case upstairs to the music room, putting it there with the others, just waiting for their time to play.

You made your way back downstairs, positioning yourself on the couch for a while flipping through TV channels as your stomach rumbled. Shit, you hadn’t eaten yet today.

You drug yourself to the kitchen and began pilfering through the pantry, looking for anything you could eat before you went to the store today to restock. Finding a lone granola bar you scarfed it down, hoping she would be home soon so you could go. 

You took a quick shower and shaved for the first time in days, hoping Y/N wouldn’t be too sad to see it go. As you dressed yourself in fresh clothes, you heard your phone chime on the dresser. 

Danny

11:14am: *Attachment* (4)

Danny

11:14am: I know it’s probably nothing, but didn’t want you to randomly see these scrolling through socials. They’re eating her alive in the comments…

What?

You opened the attachments seeing screenshots from social media of photos of Y/N and Logan, from what had to be this morning. Comments about her being with someone else, or speculating on her cheating on you. People wondering who that guy is since she wasn’t with you… Photos showing them walking together with his arm over her shoulder, at what seemed to be a farmers market. Photos of them eating this morning. To be fair, it didn’t look good, but after everything last night, surely it wasn’t what it seemed. You had a nauseous feeling in your stomach, but you pushed it away, knowing that she loves you, and only you. She told you. Right?

You

11:18am: Thanks dude. 

You tossed your phone on the bed, pacing the room for a second as you tried to let the negative thoughts leave your head. In a split second decision you decided to call Josh, grabbing your phone again and hitting call. 

The line rang out until you were met with his voicemail, groaning and throwing it onto the bed once again. You carried yourself to your study, turning on the TV again and starting a documentary knowing she would be home any second. 

Your phone buzzed on the couch next to you, picking it up, you saw her name. 

Y/N

11:27am: Hey, Wanda from next door just called me. She was confused why we were home early since she was going to keep our mail for us until the end of April. Anyways we were talking and I told her you got sick and we came home so she wouldn’t need to get the mail anymore – all that to say she is making you ‘get well soon’ muffins. So check the porch in a little bit. Be home soon!

You

11:29am: Thanks baby

When another hour passed and your stomach continued to growl, you snatched your keys off the counter and drove to Publix, buying any and every item that looked even remotely appetizing. As you walked the aisles you dreamed about the sandwich you were going to make when you got home, piling it so high that it might be physically impossible to eat it. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket as you perused the wine selection, needing to refill your stash with her favorites. You placed them into the cart as you pulled your phone out, seeing her name on the screen once again. You swiped your thumb across the notification, expecting to see that she was on her way home, but instead you were met with the opposite.

Y/N

1:10pm: Running longer than I thought. I’ll be back soon! ❤️

Right.

You shoved your phone back into your pocket and headed towards the checkout. You swiped your card and made your way back to your car, filling the trunk to the brim. As you pulled up to the house to see that she still wasn’t there, you felt your face grow warm. You spotted the muffins on the porch, smiling and telling yourself to walk over and say ‘thank you’ as soon as you could. You carried all the groceries and the muffins inside and put them away, finally able to make yourself that sandwich and of course have a muffin.

The day continued to tick by and Y/N still hadn’t come home. Part of you started to worry if she was okay. Around 2:45 you took your next dose of pills, retiring to your bedroom for a much needed nap. Even the simplest of tasks were exhausting you. You knew the guys made the right call postponing the shows. There’s no way you could have played a show in a few days. 

You scrolled on your phone for a while, eventually falling asleep as the TV played in the background. 

The chime of the security system woke you up, and you sat up instantly knowing she was probably home. You looked at your phone. 4:03pm. Damn.

You stood up from the bed and walked over to the bedroom door, leaning into the frame as you watched her kick off her shoes and coat, arms full of various paper and plastic bags and a bouquet of flowers. 

You crossed your arms and looked at her as she finally saw you standing there, dropping most of the bags and the flowers as she stared back at you.

“How was your breakfast date…” 

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