#now i want to write the next summer
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Help...save me...it won't leave my head...
#reverse 1999#vertin#schneider#sonetto#regulus#my art#magical contract au#in case it won't leave my head again#i have a serious problem with making AUs that i wanna draw and write for#pls someone rescue me from my brainrot i can't have this right now i have summer internship next month--#y'all ever want more older women magical girls? me too#classic ābeing a magical girl doesn't affect my daily lifeā VS modern ābecoming a magical girl retroactively ruined my lifeā#why not both at this point it'll be an interesting narrative
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finished this before traveling but never posted it, so here i am posting it after my travels! yves, finally with his own big illustration and outfit design after 2 years... im so sorry babygirl
yves (he/him) is my oc! please do not tag as otherwise <3
#clerichs.png#he was created first too before klaus... im so sorry#i havent made his ref sheet like i planned to either... motivation just never came around#ive changed a lot for him tho! he's transmasc and intersex now! i missed him ive rotated him a lot this past summer#i gotta do some more digging before i settle on specifics in terms of body#this is important for his story because well. they fuck nasty and then tenderly and THEN get married. because we like reverse intimacy here#i didnt write a ton of lore like i wanted either but i reshaped the world a bit.... more updates to come when i post abt them next#ANYWAYS. MORE TO REVEAL NEXT TIME IN THE NEXT K+Y ILLUSTRATION. for now this is just my bbg yves' spotlight <3#klaus is the beefcake yves is the magical powerhouse they complement each other very nicely <3#HAD A BLAST sketching this but when it came time to render i shriveled up and left it to rot for a month#then came back when i have 2 days before traveling to finish the render and it was SO much more fun#i learnt a thing or two while doing other illustrations.. mainly that i dont like too many layers of shading#my art#my artwork#original art#original illustration#original character#ocs#oc art#artists on tumblr#digital art#digital artwork#digital illustration#yves artemi volkivich vii
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Heyyyš
Are you planning to write a new bokris story (completely unrelated to holidate)?
hiiiiii technically yes, but its probably not gonna be the next thing <3
again, i dont really have a schedule for what comes next, im kinda going with what im feeling like writing the most atm
so the next thing is either gonna be another bokris, jankris (both related to holidate) or unrelated to holidate bojance but we'll see! i dont have concrete plans right now
#lesbian bokris is also around somewhere but its definitely not gonna be the next upload idk when ill get to that#right now for the most part im spending my evenings watching football and making bracelets haha#so no real writing is getting done at the moment#inbox#anonymous#oh also im not really planning on anything multichapter btw#first of all again my summer is busy as hell so i wouldnt manage to work out a schedule around that#plus the fact that holidate happened is a miracle in itself idk how that DID happen i didnt imagine being able to write more than 5k even#and also i just. dont really have anything in mind that would be multichapter? and im not actively trying to come up with anything just for#the sake of writing anything#everything i did write and want to write is bc its just popped in my head in a daydream and then wouldnt leave again lol
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Apparently I can meet my goal of roughly 400,000 words in 6 months if I just somehow write at least 2,200 words a day ghbjh... Almost 2,500 today... huzzah...
#Definitely not going to be able to stick with it just due to like... being realistic about my energy levels and etc. ESPECIALLY as we#enter the Evil Summer and it becomes hot all the time. But... one can attempt.. at least...#I'm also a very slow writer since I tend to re-read and edit while I write. and only move onto the next section once what I'm writing#seems okay. Which is easy for visual novel type stuff. since ''sections'' of a conversation are more clearly marked (like if you#have a menu option with 5 different dialogue choices. finish the character's response for choice 1 before moving onto 2. etc.)#Especially since when I'm done with a whole quest I always follow it up by playing through it and picking every option and making sure it#actually all works okay and etc. So I am already going to see it all a second time. Then I can go back and reorder a few words or remove#certain sentences that don't sound natural when I read them out loud (I always read it all outloud to myself since it is... just peple#talking.. it should sound like natural dialogue in their voice. etc). But my ''first draft'' is kind of not as first drafty since I pause t#edit a lot as I go along. So it also takes longer probably than it would take other people who I think treat a first draft as more#of a loose guideline or something. AANYWAY...#80F in my bedroom right now again... huzzah... I did end up finishing and recording that sims build video before the heat wave (or is#it really a heat wave if it's just summer..?? lol) came in.. but now... augh.. the editing... plus the costume photos and all else... Much#to do as always.. Often such a long todo list.. a giant scroll hung upon the walls of the evil hermit wizard tower..#Anyhow.. I hope I can finish getting ready for bed early in time to reward myself with a game of tripeaks solitaire whilst I snack on#cheddar cheese and some of those preserved artichokes in a jar. hrgm... I actually have nasturtiums (ultimate best flower) on the#deck again this year but I had to move them all into a corner today because the leaves were getting burnt by the sun lol.. Also am now more#cautiously weaving through social media to ignore all dragon age news. NOT bc of spoilers (I actually love spoilers/literally never play#any game until there's full guides on it I can read to plan my entire playthrough based on knowing exactly what I want to happen lol + mods#and etc.) but just because I'm so busy with my ownprojects I simply do not have the brainspace to dedicate... Yes I love to think#about elves and fictional universe lore. but no.. I pretend I do not see it. Does not exist to me actually. ghgj.. OHH also took som#cool pictures of flowers in the garden section of a store and I wanted to do like.. character designs based on the colors of the flowers o#something. but that might just be another unnecessary project to add to the pile.. I want to commit to the daunting task of dyeing my#hair again some time.. hrm.. this is all of the updates I can think of. As if a bunch of random tags make up for never posting anything for#weeks on end lol.. alas.. too warm to think properly I suppose.. .. I neeeeeed a long lost relative to leave me some million dollar#estate in their will so I can have the resources to move to a colder climate or something ..augh#.. but for now.. I shall toil away in my little wizard tower trying to write 2000 something words a day whilst sweating and such ghbj
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wip wednesday: ???
#the bottom two are for the anon last night who asked if i had more domestic fluff.#anon i have about 50k of domestic fluff ive just been sitting on for the last 6 months.#i have a boat load of real life work recently im so so sorry again these are taking so long ššš#i want to post slider next Saturday/the wed after that if sat doesnāt work#i have about 10-15 extremely difficult paragraphs left to write#1. this is really the crux of the issue right here.#2. ice having post-marriage doubts???? he signed the papers but what now?#3. what now: oh nothings changed. weāre still the same people weāve always been.#top gun#top gun maverick#pete maverick mitchell#tom iceman kazansky#icemav#top gun fanfiction#i just found out i got my dream summer job covering the aerospace & defense beat in DC this summer#did i put this fanfic on my resume? NO but maybe i shouldāve tbh#i will literally be writing about airplanes for a living. the Dream.#the ??? is just bc i donāt have a witty caption queued up#and no he does not pass out
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chapter 15 of CAYA is finally finished. unfortunately i will not be posting anything until i finish chapter 17 <3
#mitten lady writing things#yeah all it took was an 8 AM in a hall with a nice study lounge and having no classes afterward#technically i have hw i need to be doing but i just sat here for like 3 hours and now intend to get subway#if we do bad at regionals then iāll have a lot more time to write too#but i also will have less of a social life and so. i will need to find another hobby . until next semester#mawk twial is literally half my social life#anyway i just want to finish CAYA.#i at least want to get to the point where the chapters are just the ones detailing in game events#because those are substantially easier to write lol#itās been really hard getting back into writing after months of being away from it#and tbh iām struggling to maintain my motivation as intensely as i did this summer again#BUT iām really excited to write the obligatory post 4-4 scene ;)#and then chapters 22 and 25 iām very excited for
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I've seen the collaboration with Milgram drinks and considering that they are specially personalised for each character I decided to find some symbolism in the drink's contents.
Because my last posts had been with Muu, I decided to begin with her. ~š
(mentions of suicide, murder! )
Translation: (It was done with some apps so I'm not very sure how good is this translation, but let's hope for the best!)
~Yuzumitsu syrup~š„¤(I think it should've been yuzu and honey?)
~Lemon~š
~Whipped cream~šØ(the second one looks a little bit like in the photo)
~Honey~šÆ
Now let's start!
~Yuzu fruit~
"Yuzu is a citrus fruit that is native to East Asia, specifically China and Japan. It is a cross between a mandarin orange and a pomelo, and is known for its unique flavor and aroma. The fruit is typically small and round, with a thin, bumpy skin that is bright yellow when ripe."
-> "Yuzu has been an important part of East Asian culture for many centuries. In Japan, the fruit has been associated with the aristocracy and the imperial court, and was often presented as a gift to the emperor."
To sum it up, Yuzu is a symbol of wealth and luxury.
This easily links to Muu as she admits that she comes from a rich family and she is often provided with everything she needs in the interrogation questions, but also in voice dramas. Even her second MV in where she is portraited as the queen bee is a good example of her higher status. Funnily enough, to fit the bee theme she is given honey in shape of larvae, which has another similarity with the description below where the emperors received Yuzu as a gift.
->"In Chinese art, yuzu has been depicted in traditional Chinese paintings, particularly those related to nature. Yuzu is depicted as a symbol of longevity and auspiciousness(promising success) ."
Again, because of Muu's higher status, she was meant to have a very successful life, if her murder never happened. She admits having received many model scouting offers due to her natural beauty and her mother's career. Also, a lot of money means that she can pay for her medical needs so, if not for some accidents or some sort, she would probably have lived a long life.
->"People heralded yuzu as a powerful fruit for more than its medicinal properties and its ability to leave your skin silky smooth after a soak. It was also regarded as auspicious due to its bright, sunny color and strong, fresh fragrance. Many believed soaking in a yuzu bath on the Winter Solstice invited health and fortune for the new year. Some even believed the powerful aroma could ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits!"
Okay, here a many things that I want to cover up, so I'll make it short.
Medical properties and smooth silky skin can again link to Muu being very healthy and very beautiful. But what I want to point out is the yuzu bath, which is said to ward off bad luck and exorcise evil spirits. Muu often says in her first VD that Rei was a bad person and was the actual cause of her misfortune. This fruit could be a metaphor of her crime, because Muu by murdering Rei (in her pov)she got rid of the source of her bad luck and suffering.
Even the Winter Solstice itself points this out. By the standard definition winter Solstice is marked as "the symbol of death and rebirth of the Sun". Muu is often portraited in yellow colours, so by thinking of her as the sun we can interpret this way: Muu's old bullied self died as soon as she killed Rei and was rebirthed as a more confident person freed of pain.
If Muu were a fruit, I would say that Yuzu will definitely be a perfect choice, so no wonder Milgram chose this fruit for her drink.
~Lemon~
->"The lemon has come to symbolize many ā sometimes opposing ā ideas, depending on the cultural reference point. Sometimes it is considered a symbol of longevity, purification, love, and friendship, and other times it is seen to be symbolic of bitterness and disappointment. Catholic tradition linked the fruit to fidelity. Because it was imported at great expense to some countries it became a symbol of wealth."
I will not explain again the longevity, purification and wealth part as it will be just me repeating myself. Instead, I will talk about friendship which is an important theme to Muu's character.
I will begin with Muu's views about it, because I think it will be a better introduction.
"Friends aren't like that you know. Rather than using each other for something, we just get along because we're comfortable around each other. That's all."
Muu thinks that friendship means to be yourself without the fear of being judged. To talk happy about silly topics, to express yourself in a comfortable atmosphere, to get along with people that understand you. At the surface, Muu's idea of friendship it's the standard definition. However, if we dig just a little bit, we easily see that Muu doesn't truly respect her ideals or rather she is using this definition to the extreme. When confronted by Es about Haruka's intention to keep her safe, Muu admits that she already knows about it. She is happy, because Haruka wants to protect her from a possible guilty verdict. After that, she explains that she will not stop him from killing himself if that's what he wishes, because according to her "Isn't friendship about letting your friends do the things they want?". Again, just by definition, it is a correct affirmation. Friendship means to help your peers achieving what they want and supporting them on their journey. But Muu takes this definition to the extreme. Friendship doesn't always imply that you should let the person you care about to do whatever they want. This is just negligence. Sometimes they need a reality check or words to convince them that what they want to do at the moment it's not the best choice and should find another solution or simply to abandon that idea.
Muu then ends her friendship talk with an interesting sentence. "Then what is friendship? You're together because it's beneficial for everyone involved, aren't you?"
By theory, what she says is true. Friendship is needed in humans life, because we can't properly live without other persons to interact with. Even if we talk about a connection that it was made simply because you share a class with and you don't want to be lonely or a relationship that actually lasts for a lifetime, they are important for our development.
In Muu's case both her and Haruka are benefiting from their friendship, not only as a way to pass time and keep sane in a magical prison, but also for their own desires. For example, Muu thinks that the most important thing that a friend should do is to listen to what she has to say, something that Haruka is actively seen doing.
(from the interrogation questions)
What's a friend in your opinion?
"People who listen carefully to what Muu has to say."
So Muu seeks people that listen to her and with whom she's comfortable in a friendship. In the second MV the scene where the "bees" are around her could be a metaphor for her wanting to be listened(after all, what a queen says never gets unnoticed), but also in this specific scene she looks the most comfortable around her friend group.
Okay, but what her friends are benefiting from this relationship? Considering how easily they betrayed her trust means that it was never a very deep connection to begin with. That's because what they gained were objects, expensive things. Muu's love language and appreciation is giving things to others. Being rich means that she can afford many items so for her it's not a big struggle. In after pain the text from her phone suggests that she gave her lipstick to one of her friends.
Also, to who she gave something to as a sign of friendship? To Haruka! The hairpin.
Her friendship at school was most likely superficial, based more on materialism, and was never a deep connection like Muu wanted. Despite that her views of friendship seem like the standard definition, because they were taken to the extreme, she didn't realized until too late that her friends were superficial and didn't care much about her.
And even after all this she still wants to see her friends again, meaning that Muu still cares somewhat about them.
"At the moment is there anyone you want to meet?"
"I want to meet my friends, but in the first place there's daddy and mom I think~"
At the same time though, she is disappointed with how everything turned out to play and how easy her friends started to bully her.
"Do you regret it?"
"Mhm, I should've chosen my friends better."
What did lemons symbolise again? Disappointment, bitterness and fidelity. What Muu feels now about her past friendship and the loyalty that she never had truly gotten, but wants to.
Lemon is a fruit that represents very well Muu's desires and it's sad that such a simple wish (friendship) was too hard to be granted.
~Whipped cream~šØ
I will not talk much about this, since there is not much to say.
Whipped cream is used a lot in desserts, sugary things. Usually, it symbolises a carefree attitude and a joyous mood. This could make a reference to Muu's actual state of mind in Milgram, her being one of the only prisoner who is still fine, both mentally and physically.
~Honey~šÆ
"Honey symbolises positive things, such as abundance, wisdom, and even the word of God."
I think it is no wonder that honey is an important part in Muu's character considering the second MV.
Her second MV adds information about Muu's murder and uncovers us the revelation that she was once part of the bullying group. So based on the symbolism, we can say that honey represents truth.
But what does honey represents in her MV? Muu associates it with devotion in the lyrics, which makes sense considering the visuals. The first bee scene that we have is Muu being surrounded by other classmates. Almost all of them have a plate with honey waiting for her to delight with the food. Just one of the bees has an empty plate that doesn't get unnoticed by Muu, who with just a slight push, breaks her into pieces.
And not just the visuals and the lyrics are showing that honey means devotion and loyalty.
"She will stop from time to time in the hive, to be groomed and fed by the worker bees called her 'attendants.' They form a circle around her, and will also spread her pheromone through the hive. This queen pheromone tells the bees that she is alive and well."
The scenes from the MV are mimicking the bees in real life. Her friends, the worker bees, by giving her honey, are showing how much they value their friendship. So it's only naturally that the girl who doesn't give her honey (in Muu's point of view) it's like she's wishing for her downfall.
Another thing... (feel free to ignore, because it's just me being annoyed at the bullies) Honey symbolises sweetness in life. I can't shake the feeling that by giving Muu this sweet honey, they are flattering her so they can receive more expensive things. Even the text on the phone seems like the friends are complimenting her too much?
Anyway, back to the analysis!
Also I want to point out the shape of the honey, which are bee larvae. Normally, the queen bee is the one that makes them to assure that the colony is prosperous. Instead, Muu eats them, indicating how her friends circle is slowly diminishing and, in the world of bees, the colony is slowly wiped out.
It doesn't help that Muu's actively destroying the colony by breaking the worker bees into pieces. If Muu and her friend group believe that the respective classmate is treating them badly or "betraying from jealousy", they are cutting ties with that person removing them from the friend circle and target them as the new victim of bullying. A good example is the short haired girl from the thumbnail, which resembles a lot the first bee with the empty plate.
Basically, Muu believes that if a classmate is treating her badly she is being bullied by them, so her deciding to bully them back is a sign of revenge. Her voice drama also implies this assumption.
"You see, if you think that me bullying someone back after being bullied is the natural course of events, then wouldn't it be bad to bully me back again in return?"
To sum it up:
classmate (doesn't value the friendship/does something that Muu and the friend group dislikes) is a bully in their Pov -> they bully back as an act of revenge
Rei is interfering(wants to stop the bullying)-> Muu is the new victim of bullying and is betrayed by her closest friends
Muu thinks the only way to escape is by killing herself -> ends up killing Rei (revenge)
Muu implies that by giving her a guilty verdict we basically are telling her that it was wrong for her to seek revenge. However, it also means that Rei was wrong to instigate the bullying, again, as an act of revenge.
"But if you were like, "I won't forgive you, Muu! Revenge is bad!," then wouldn't that imply that it's also bad for me to bully someone back after they bullied me? Since we've all done something bad anyway, doesn't that mean that I've not done anything wrong in the end?"
And she ends her argument with the fact that she and her victim are even, meaning that she didn't do anything wrong.
Now that we have the bullying part cleared up, let's end this with the last scene from the MV were honey appears.
Throughout the MV, we see that the queen cell above Muu is glowing when she is eating honey. That is the place were all the honey is deposited and is spilled out when the fully developed Muu with wings escapes.
In the first MV the hourglass was used to represent how much Muu could endure the pain until she would've suffocated(literally). That queen cell could symbolise the same thing. When Muu escapes, the honey that was once a sign of friendship and loyalty was now suffocating her due to the fakeness and the betrayal of her friends. She is no longer looking at the spilled honey, and is happy that she can finally break free since there is nothing left in the broken hourglass(not even her three closest friends).
Honey is a good representation of trust and devotion. It showed the truth of the situation, how too much sweetness in one's life could cause someone to "suffocate" in the lies hidden in it (in this case, the false friendship that Muu believed she had).
Thank you for reading! ~š
Credits
#tbh it was done as an excuse to tell how I interpretated her MV#this was so hard to write#it took me 4 days to write and I dislike it because of how many times I read it#I was thinking to do other drinks for the other characters#But i feel like this will not reach anyone because I haven't posted for a while#idk who I will do next so if anyone has a preference i don't mind to do it#however I only wrote for Mahiru Yuno and Muu until now so I hope that I will manage#maybe I'll do a poll? I don't mind if people send me a message with the name of the character that they want though but I'll see!#I hope that'll I have time to post something until the end of this summer#milgram#milgram muu#muu kusunoki#character analysis#theory#drinks#fruits#honey#queen bee
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i think (one of) the reason(s) i've been so lethargic abt art this month is i've reached a crux where my eye is trained better than my drawing skills so i don't like how my art looks anymore
logically i know the stepping stone from here is to do studies and a bunch of boring repetitious stuff to improve my basics but i don't wannaaaaaaaa (mostly bc it's summer n the semester burnout is real) so i am currently in limbo
#i realized this the other day which was groundbreaking for my self-esteem#but also artfight starts next week n jus bc i know the reason doesn't mean i wanna do anything abt it#but i will think abt it#i wanna be the type of artist that thinks of a cool idea n is able to do rough sketches#for it that same day w/o persisting on details and keeping it rough af#and i also know i can literally learn this so easily if i jus commit and practice each day#but i think my impatience wipes the floor w my persistence every time sadly#the flaw w making fics now is that i get it stuck n my head that i wanna draw for it#and then i don't and then that compounds to never writing for it oof#anyway this month rly has been such a haze n i need to think#abt what i want out of artfight before i pull a Last Summer and#literally only complete one piece but start fifteen (14 whole wips last time...yikes)#i also think it's hard to do AF bc i think abt doing refs all june then don't bc Burnout#and then i still think i'll get them done during july and also do attacks every other day too haha!!!#but i do think being real w myself and setting an achievable goal will help this time around#what was this post even abt lmao time to stop rambling
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Clocking in for another shift at the wasting my life away factory
#ramblings of a lunatic#I've been free from school for a few weeks now and bc i haven't written the next great american novel (impossible. im irish) i feel like-#-someones going to drown me in cement. free me from this hell#idk my parents meant really well when they encouraged me to apply for the comic job that ghosted me#but they kinda phrased it as ''itll be good for you to have a job so you dont waste your whole summer :D like you always do :D''#gang i know u want what's best for me but that outlook is NOT helping#idk what i want 2 do over summer...maybe write something. a screenplay. or my own comic fuck it#ideally comissions would be nice tho#ya girl just put down a bid on ebay that came to Ā£20 w/ shipping AND I'm waiting for the joker war Steph funko to release in europe#among other more pressing things that would require money#so uh. yah prioritising comissions sounds good rn
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Alright tomorrow (or, well, today now, I suppose) I am FINISHING THE CHAPTER I'VE BEEN WORKING ON. I've got one scene left of it. And then I can write the third chapter in this section and I will feel way better.
#even though the next section is like. ugggggh I don't wanna. I do but I don't.#writing the first half of the fucked up book just doing tension building is like. whyyyyy#screaming crying throwing up climbing under my desk#tbh I complain now but I will complain just as much when I get to the second half and I have to like. deliver on shit. fuck#however it is going WELL so it's fine. it's cool it's fine I'm good#megs is writing#I promise this time!#I am GOING TO FINISH THIS FUCKING BOOK BEFORE THE END OF THE SUMMER GODDAMMIT#and then I can write other things. also I need to write a novella but that involves some notes.#and I wanted to write a short story for a submission! AUGH FUCK#I really do need to also write some fic or the blorbos will drive me nuts. anyway.
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.
#having a Bad Day#one of my bosses was talking to me about classes i should take next year#and gave some helpful ideas about taking trial advocacy and pretrial lit#which. i do plan on taking the latter sometime next year#but both of those classes would severely mess up my entire course schedule and probably wouldnāt allow me to work twice a week at the firm#but i ofc donāt say that i just nod and agree and say thank you. they donāt need to know what classes iām taking#and then my head boss talks to me after and says they are suggesting these courses bc my analysis writing has gotten worse since i started#and that he noticed i donāt have a āpassionā for this work#so . great. now i feel god awful. not about what they think about me but more about whether or not iāll be able to keep a job here#and like normally i would not care but. i NEED this job i NEED the money#i pay for my momās mortgage and i have loans to pay off + just! normal general things to buy! and GAS!#without this job iād have $240 a month roughly from my other job which is next to nothing#idk what iām doing wrong. this job is such a ātrial by fireā and iām sooo intimidated by my bosses#and iām cheery and i donāt complain and i listen and i smile and i work quickly#and sure i make mistakes but i try! i swear!#if i donāt have this job past the summer idk what iām going to do iāll be so fucked#putting all of my eggs in this one basket. already committed to this summer but if they donāt want to hire me after graduation#i will be jobless. i have no network. i spend all of my time working or at home bc i live with two disabled people an hour+ away from campus#and i donāt have the time or energy to do anything else#iāve dealt with soooo much worse in my life idk why iām freaking out so much rn#i would give anything to call my grandpa rn for some advice but .#ā¦. haha anyways . great weather weāre having
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Iām sad, Iāve had a bunch of fun cool ideas sitting in the back of my head since like new years which I wanted to use for rare pair week, but like life has been kicking my ass so I didnāt have time to even start anything and now itās over :( guess they will just keep living in my head until next year
#this is if Iām also not dying next yearā¦ which is unlikely#donāt do what I do. donāt work full time and do school full time. especially when youāre doing a dual graduate degree program. Iām in hell#brain screams#it especially makes me sad cause when I started writing fics in the summer it made me SO happy to be writing again!!!#especially about sailor moon!!! one of my special intrests and fav shows of all time!! it makes my brain SO HAPPY!!!#as I keep telling myself - just cause I donāt make these things now doesnāt mean I can do them in the future. my ideas will still be there#I can write the fics I want and finish the YouRube videos Iāve started. I can make silly little doodles and comics and short animations#I can take my Venus plus on hikes and exploring and to wonderful places!! we can go to museums and cafes and concerts!!#we can go to the ocean and climb mountains and get lost in the forest and get muddy and wet and cold and sit by campfires and climb on logs#I can take my not fully fleshed out idea of using her and my other plushes to make a sort of live action stop motion skit video!!#I want to be creative and free and have fun and live my life and pursue my passions!!#but rnā¦ all i do is work. work and homework and class and homework. until Iām so fatigued I canāt walk and I canāt sleep and I canāt think#to be real watching the anime and having the codename: sailor v and stars arc of the manga is like one of the few things getting me through#when Iām so tired I canāt think I have those as comforts so Iām not sitting on the couch wanting to die#I find so much comfort in existing in the space of this fictional universe and I draw strength from the characters#like sailor moon helping me get through some of the hardest fucking shit Iāve ever done in my life. and helping me remember to love myself#also lowkey helping me fight off my depression and ed and substance abuse issues#I just both get so much joy and comfort from this space but also I feel I owe it so much gratitude for kinda helping me from crumbling#I want to also contribute to this space cause it gives me joy to do so and cause i want to give back and contribute to others joy as well#like itās a combo of I love this and want to and also as a form of gratitude i want to and also to help others experience joy I want to#butā¦ I donāt have the time or energy now. and if my life keeps going on like this. will I ever? Iāve never let myself slow down.#idk if I ever will :( oh well
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the agony of being a fan of the āvillain who also is/acts like an uncle/parent/guardian figure to the protagonistā and āfunny road tripā tropes and also sinking too much emotional investment into pokemon ranger guardian signs characters means my white whale of a fanfiction is post game summers out doing some international mission r something. maybe undercover idk but itās something where sheās mostly cut off from official support. and mewtwo finally decides to spit Ed out of whatever limbo portal rand and him got Got in back on the sky fortress and now sheās gotta deal with this bullshit, and all the hurt that came w his betrayal that she thought she successfully buried is suddenly there again like it was just yesterday gs happened (except itās been marinating for a few years at least so now itās uhh definitely off color a bit) and Edās gotta deal with his survival being entirely reliant on the girl who effectively wild card-nullified any reputation n standing he built and decades of work towards world domination in the span of a month (maybe two). and despite the fact that they both feel very deep resentment towards each other they still had a genuine friendship in Oblivia and still very clearly see aspects of themselves in the other and theyāre both stuck trying to reconcile the urge to fall back into that familiar weird grandpa n weirder grandchild dynamic versus the urge to scream at each other until their voices give out.
#and then the. what'd you call it in writing terms but the bridge of the story#yāknow like towards the end#THE CLIMAX THERE YOU GO#the climax summers. hurt bad or something and maybe somewhere along the road Edās acquired a Something thatāll give him a shot at eternal#life or whatever#or maybe not#but what it comes down to is that he chooses to you use that McGuffin (or not if thereās no McGuffin) to keep her alive instead of saving i#for himself#chooses to help heal the next generation and the generations to come instead of trying to preserve a dead and dying age#bc Thats His Granddaughter and despite her taking a wrecking ball to his lifeās work#he cares abt her very much and wants to see her thrive#wants to see her live#idk how it would end in regards to what happens to him#like if heād go to prison or not#thematic narrative says heās probably pass. accepting death n all that but thatās sad :(#and thatās another thing heās have to grapple w - would the rest of the Societea be dead by then#his closest friends like family separated by space and now by possibly death#well one of two white whales of a fanfiction#my art#<- tagging for reference
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Incredible day today. Uni blocked. Did some translation stuff. Played Minecraft with my beloved my love my coronet (extremely fun). Finished it by rotating our VtM OCs with my friend M. Impeccable.
#i am going to bring this joy into tomorrow#because tomorrow i have to finish my resume and write to cover letters for two different jobs#they'll be like. summer jobs so i can have some money next year.#i HATE writing cover letters#i will drag this happiness with me. putting it into my hot water bottle to warm my soul whether it wants to or not.#anyway 2am sleepytime#wow i have a ramble tag now
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#this has been such a shitty week and were only on wednesday#my rent will be raised in may w 30 euros#i spairned my back yesterday and everything is pain#and top of everything i just. cant get myself a fucking job#for the last month i have been waiting an answer while constantly exchanging emails from this one place i really really wanted to go#and the ceo there said id really fit there but none of the project managers seem to want to take#me as their apprenctince or whatever i cant come up with a better word#so now i gotta keep looking but ive already sent so many applications and 0 asnwers#i just dont get it what is so incredibly wrong with me that i get no answers#its this same struggle every single spring#im so so so scared i wont have a job this summer#like hello im turning 25 and have had like . one proper summer job since turning 18#it fucking sucks so fucking bad i just dont get whats wrong with me#am i really that bad at writing applications??? i just dont get it aaaaaaaaa#im so sick of everything i just want a job please give me a job#im so tired of stressing out money everything costs so fucking much and i just know the prices will never lower again#bc we live in a capitalistic hellhole#im disappointed in me and everything and#idk i wish i could sleep for the next 3944 months
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i miss the times back in shadowbringers. donāt get me wrong i love how things are in endwalker but there was just ?? something so magical about shb to me ???
#āÆ ź°į starry thoughts ą»ź± *Ā·Ė#āÆ ź°į ffxiv ą»ź± *Ā·Ė#just being afk with my fc mates or in the shb places and man. man.#going through enw msq is amazing! 6.0 made me so incredibly emotional and i owe a lot to it for helping me get thru my uh... despair#and the patches really feed into those brainrotting parts of me head. and the new content is super cool and ohh the stories of the side stuf#but i still prefer the fantasy of shb compared to enw. and the rest of ffxiv tbh. and the whole of ff. it is just so yeah to me ???#and. and. it was just SUCH an experience and everything about it means so much to me!#ffxiv has helped me with anxiety and social anxiety and issues like depression and it. helped me make friends again and even now#i make friends because of ffxiv and some people i have met because of this game mean so much to me and it brings my other friends together#too and the story is just everything to me and ffxiv just. yeah#social life kinda dipped a bit b4 i got so absorbed into ffxiv and sometimes i see that summer of 2021 as unhealthy but also??#it wasn't like i had friends at that time eitherway bcs i fell out w my irls and then online friends so. ffxiv really really helped#and then i reconnected w my irls and then wow. the world is so beautiful and so silly with the way it brings people together!#sorry this kinda turned into tmi but also wow i should make a proper text or sorts as an appreciation to ffxiv bcs i've been meaning to#for a long time now. i want to write a text and then a story (both! they are different to me) and then a video. yeah#and i want to do all this before 7.0 :) which is pretty soon tbh... in a year or two or so? wow#these next years will be very important for my future so idk if i'll be active w ffxiv but i really want to be!#so i'll improve myself and my schedule and all that i do ^___^#idk man ffxiv just really helped me a lot and i feel bad a bit for feeling so much at times but#it really helps knowing i'm not alone. and those much older than me also feel the same! it's really nice#a central theme of ffxiv (endwalker in particular) is that you aren't alone and that shit really hits man. i think everyone should#try to experience ffxiv's story but people also have different preferences and all and that's fine but#i hope i can find people who are like me frfr! and keep those who are close to me <3 hehe
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