#im so tired of stressing out money everything costs so fucking much and i just know the prices will never lower again

[hermoglobiini]

.

[gossamermoth]

adulting is so hard

my adulting to do list and reasons why I haven't gotten them done

credit card: every credit card I apply to I get denied. i signed up for a line of credit with my bank and haven't heard back yet

paying back old apartment: i had to break my lease when ronan died, and I still owe them money. the account was closed and im supposed to pay back some collection agency, but I never got a letter, and I don't know who to pay, how to pay, or how much I owe

getting a new apartment: every place either costs too much rent, initial fees (and pet fees) are too much, won't accept me bc I haven't paid back my old apartment, or is infested with roaches and has bad reviews

getting car fixed: my traction control is messed up, there's a violent rumble when I accelerate sometimes, my check engine light keeps coming on if I accelerate too much too quickly bc of a sparkplug issue, my brakes are squeaky, and I think my tire pressure monitor is messed up. all of these cost too much right now. I've been chipping away at the issues, like I got new tires and replaced a bent rim I got from hitting a wild pig months ago

my health insurance I have through my work doesn't have a network, so finding a doctor that will take it is impossible. hopefully I never have to go to the hospital bc I'm fucked

I'm just so stressed out and feel so hopeless. I'm trying to save up as much money as I can to find a place closer to my job and to my bf. i wish I could just find a place with him now, but that would require quitting my job and finding a job up in the city at the same time as moving and everything. plus he's allergic to cats and I have two cats and he would be miserable unless he can find out about the cat allergy shots you can get

[the-kipsabian]

im just gonna complain idk

but like. i applied for payment helps last week. i got a message back today that apparently between receiving my application and working on it to make decisions, some law changes happened and now they are enforcing the preset cost of living limit harder than before when applying for these things before they make decisions on whether or not you qualify for this kind of help or not

this thing is already incredibly difficult to apply for properly and to get in sums that actually help much of anything. previously if your living costs were above the limit, they just shrugged it off depending on the sum and just deducted that from the amount they paid to you. this has never been an issue for me before, ive been applying for this every few months while being unemployed for years

with this new change, however. my living costs are 27.65 euros above the limit. twenty. fucking. seven. and they are making an issue out of that. and by making an issue out of it, it not only delays them making decisions on my application (and me getting money which at this point and around this time of year is not only fucking irritating but also affects like everything else going on rn), but with the new law it apparently comes with a requirement for me to either offer reasoning why im living in an apartment "above my affordable living costs" OR they are gonna cut my benefits and force me to look for a cheaper apartment for a few months until i can prove its impossible (this is literally one of the cheapest one bedroom apartments in this entire city. what in the fuck. we looked around with friends this morning when i broke the news and the only places that are under the 498€ cost limit this city has for some fucking reason are in places that no unemployed carless person - that i am - will be able to live in. but nooooo i have to keep looking)

im just. this whole thing makes no sense. its so fucking stressful. they keep the preset limit the same throughout the years but dont count in the fact that not only are small, cheap apartments more and more difficult to find every fucking year, but that the actual cost of living and rent and shit keeps going up all the time. im literally only applying for this payment help cause im out of everything else. the rent is not the fucking issue here, its literally everything else. me having to suddenly try to find a new apartment and move (which, ofc, they wouldnt help me with at all. cause obviously) is not going to fucking help, cause all they are gonna do with that is cut my pre-existing rent help to match that rent price and im still out of fucking money

im stressed out, im exhausted, i woke up to this fucking mess after barely sleeping for a few hours, im in both mental and physical pain rn and im just. im so ready to give up if they dont accept my explanation on how i need this place and these payments in full cause theres literally no other feasible options in this city for me without it making me physically and socially separated from everything and everyone which will be disastrous for my mental and physical wellbeing. im so fucking tired

merry christmas to me or whatever i have never wanted to kill myself more than i do right now sorry

[babyloniastreasure]

oh boy

I’ve reached a point in my recovery where I think I’m okay enough, regularly enough, to be able to work, but at the same time i know i absolutely am not okay enough

working puts so much extra stress on my body in ways that I dont ever have to deal with during recovery. just because I’m finally okay enough to do a daily task for ten minutes at home doesn’t mean I’ll be okay doing a daily task four hours into an eight hour shift at work.

i so very badly want to be capable. but rushing into it when there’s a good chance i’ll fuck up my entire ONGOING recovery back to square one from one or two shifts would only prove i’m truly not capable after all. and its not even me making excuses. i know what i can and can’t do, and i know my limits. im not well enough to work. i dont know when i’ll ever be well enough. IF i’ll ever recover.

but shit dude like. im damn near thirty years old and i can’t even afford a $50 bill each month for hormones. let alone my phone bill or groceries or utilities or RENT. or things I’ve been hurting for for these last two years, like socks because all of mine have holes in them, or a second pair of pants. never mind things that i want that would make life a little more bearable--video games or figures or a new book. hell i can’t even go to the dollar store and pick up a new pencil without stressing about how i’m going to get a replacement dollar by next month. every single cent is precious. i can’t afford to use even a single one

like i’m lucky enough to be able to live at home with my dad, who does support me and understands my position, but shit. i don’t LIKE that he pays for everything. i really wish i could help with all these costs, but i can’t

and aside from the helplessness of not being able to help him out, life is just so...utterly stagnant this way. i can’t drive, but even if i did it’s not like i can afford gas to GO anywhere. i don’t have any local friends. i don’t have any outlets. i watch my sister succeed and make all kinds of money from putting in two seconds worth of effort toward something i’ve been striving to earn success at for years to no avail (art). i can’t work. i have nothing, man. i’ve been stuck in this same spot for a decade. i feel so hopeless and helpless and useless and pathetic and tired

but there’s nothing i can do to change it

no amount of optimism can change the fact that my body can’t handle my ONLY way out of this. i need income. i cant work. nobody wants my art or my skills. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

[houseofwolvess]

god. im scared

[uncloseted]

What are some effective waya to become more productive?

what are some effective ways 2 be productive?

First things first, figure out what the problem actually is. Why are you struggling to be productive? Is it because you're a perfectionist and the idea of not doing the task perfectly stresses you out? Is it because you're lacking the motivation to do anything? Is it because you're struggling to concentrate, or because you're overwhelmed by the task, or because you don't know where to begin? There are tons of reasons why you might be struggling with productivity, and figuring out what the roadblocks you're encountering are can help you to find ways around them. Since I can't read your mind, I'm going to try and give advice that will work for most of the roadblocks you might encounter.

When it comes to big things, I recommend using the SMARTER & WOOP methods. SMARTER and WOOP are two tools that are really useful for behavior modification and other long-term goals you might have.

SMART(ER) is a tool to help you set the right goals for you.  Too often, we set goals like “I’m going to start exercising” or “I’m going to quit going on my phone”.  Those are great in theory, but without an action plan, it’s easy to not follow through.

SMARTER goals are ones that are:

Specific (simple, sensible, significant).

If your goal isn’t specific, you won’t be able to focus your efforts or feel motivated to achieve it.

Try to answer: what do I want to accomplish? Why is this goal important? Who is involved? Where is it located? Which resources or limits are involved?

Measurable (meaningful, motivating).

Having measurable goals is important because it allows you to track your progress and stay motivated by seeing how far you’ve come.

A measurable goal should be one that answers “how much”, “how many” and “how will I know when it’s accomplished”?

Achievable (agreed, attainable).

Your goal needs to be realistic in order for you to stay motivated and be successful.  If you’re aiming too high, you’ll become demotivated quickly because it doesn’t feel like you’re making progress.

An achievable goal requires you to ask “how can I accomplish this goal” and “how realistic is this goal based on other constraints?”

Relevant (reasonable, realistic and resourced, results-based).

Relevant goals are ones that matter to you.  Make sure that these goals are ones that are important to you, not ones that you think you should be pursuing.

A relevant goal is one that can answer “yes” to the following questions: “does this seem worthwhile?”, “is this the right time?”, “does this match my other efforts/needs?”, “is it applicable in my current socio-economic environment?”

Time bound (time-based, time limited, time/cost limited, timely, time-sensitive).

Every goal needs a target date so that you have a deadline you can focus on and work toward.

A time sensitive goal is one that answers “when?”, “what can I do six months from now?”, “what can I do six weeks from now?”, and “what can I do today?”

Evaluate

Every day, evaluate how you’re doing on your goals.  Long term goals can be easily ignored if they’re not evaluated every day, and if you don’t evaluate how you’re doing on your goals regularly, you might miss the things that are preventing you from achieving them.

Readjust

If you find that your approach isn’t working, you may need to readjust your goals.  That doesn’t mean that you’re failing at your goals or that you should quit; it just means you have to rethink the approach you’re taking.  Maybe the goal isn’t as relevant to you as you thought it would be, or it’s not as realistic as you expected, or your timeline is too short.  Identify which part of your SMARTER goal is tripping you up and readjust it.

The best goals are ones that include trying new things instead of quitting old ones.  Quitting things is hard; learning something new is easier and more exciting.  If you’re looking to quit something, replace it by establishing a new habit that takes its place.  For example, “I’m going to stop going on my phone,” is hard, but “when I feel like going on my phone, I’ll read a book for ten minutes instead” might be easier to maintain.

After you’ve figured out your SMARTER goal, it’s time to WOOP.  WOOP is something like the scientifically proven cousin of “manifesting”.  Just visualizing our goals or positive thinking on its own can be counterproductive, because it fools our lizard brains into believing that we’ve already achieved the goal.  By using the WOOP method, you can prevent that from happening and actually achieve what you want to achieve.

WOOP stands for:

Wish: Identify a wish that is challenging, yet attainable.  This should be your SMARTER goal.

Outcome: Imagine the best outcome as a result of your wish (as vividly as possible).  Really daydream about what your life would be like if you achieved your goal.

Ask yourself, what is the biggest benefit you could receive from achieving this goal?

Obstacle: Identify and imagine what obstacles will get in the way of your wish.

What might get in the way?  Thoughts, feelings, beliefs, old behavior patterns, bad habits, social pressure… identify as many as you can, then prioritize their likely they are to happen and how significant they would be if they did happen.

Plan: Create an if-then plan to overcome the obstacles you identified- “if [obstacle occurs] then I will [plan A].”  Do your best to pick the most effective path you can for each obstacle, and identify a few different plans in case your first plan doesn’t work.

For example, if you wanted to start exercising, your WOOP might look like this:

Wish: Go on a run 3x/week after school/work for a month.

Outcome: Better energy, confidence, and health.

Obstacle: Feeling tired and hungry at the end of the day…Not wanting to go.

Plan: Pack a snack for the end of the day, and put on gym clothes right when you get home.

Or if you wanted to stop watching TV and read more:

Wish: Watch only 5 episodes of TV per week, and read when I feel the urge to watch TV for a month.

Outcome: Learn a lot. Get smarter. Feel better. Enjoy the great ideas. Feel like I’m spending my time wisely.

Obstacle: Not feeling like it. Preferring to watch TV.

P: If I catch myself watching TV, then I turn it off and start reading a book instead.

The last thing you can do to increase the chances that you’ll achieve your goal is to get someone else involved.  Either find a friend who’s setting the same goal that you are, or tell someone about your goal and ask them to help you achieve it by checking up on you.  It can also be helpful to put money on the line- give money to a friend with the understanding that you’ll get it back on a set date if you’ve achieved your goal.  If you really want to ensure that you reach your goal, tell your friend that if you fail, they should donate the money to a group or cause that you really hate.

For smaller, more day to day tasks:

Make a list of everything you need to do. Sort them into four categories- tasks that are Urgent & Important, tasks that are Not Urgent & Important tasks that are Not Important but Urgent, and tasks that are neither Urgent nor Important. Focus first on the tasks that are Urgent & Important. This can help you prioritize which things to work on first.

From there, take a look at each individual task and break it down into very small steps that you can't fuck up. These can be as small as "open laptop", "open Google Docs", "write name at top of the page", etc. If it helps, you can assign each one of these steps a point count, and then give yourself a treat once you collect enough points (10 points, 20 points, 50 points, and so on).

Once you have your list and have identified all of the steps, just do the first step. It can be daunting to start a big project or task; it's way easier to just do one thing. And once you do one thing, it feels easier to do just one more thing, and just one more thing, and so on until the task is complete.

Once you build up some momentum, I would recommend using the Pomodoro technique. Work for 20-25 minutes (or as long as you can really focus) and then take a 5-10 minute break. Stand up, get a drink, get a snack, watch a short TV episode or a YouTube video, look up that thing that was on your mind, whatever will give your brain a break. Then, set another 20-25 minute timer and get back to work. After three or four cycles of working and taking a short break, take a longer break.

A few other things that I think it's important to remember when it comes to productivity.

Anything worth doing is worth doing badly. You don't need to finish things, and you don't need to do them perfectly. If it's a choice between doing something badly or not doing it at all, it's always better to do it badly.

You don't need to do things the way other people would do them- do it how it works for you. Sometimes that won't make sense to other people, but that's all right. The only person it has to work for is you. If bouncing back and forth between different tasks works better for you than focusing on one task until it's done, then bounce back and forth between tasks. That's okay.

It's okay to ask for help. If you have trouble doing things, that's okay- find someone who can assist you. Maybe you're bad at projects that don't have someone to be accountable to. Find a friend who will hold you accountable. Maybe you're bad at projects without deadlines. Set deadlines for yourself and get someone to make sure you meet them. Sometimes you don't need to work through your shortcomings- you just need to find a way around them.

[dumb-naive-bitch]

I'm kind of really glad that nobody reads this page of mine anymore, so then I can vent to myself about how I'm truly feeling at this moment, and put it into words without being judged or told to stop complaining.

I know 2020 has been rough for a lot of people, but its extra hard on us who thought every other year was rough to begin with. Im sick of waking up every day knowing I have to go through the same fucking motions over and over and feeling like my life is going nowhere and yet I'm just getting older, fatter, uglier, etc. Its depressing on top of my depression. It doesn't matter if you have a decent job in this day and age because you still won't be able to afford shit. You won't be able to live in a house or apartment by yourself unless you want to be mortgage/rent poor. Im going to school and I dont even fucking want to because what's the point? If you don't have a doctorate, you once again wont be able to afford shit even after you have a degree. Im over 70 thousand in student loan debt and I have absolutely nothing to show for it, with roughly 30 to 40 thousand more to go to get a basic degree that will probably increase my current pay by 5 dollars an hour maximum. How fucking exciting and motivating is that? Like what is the point of living if you can't afford to do anything or have anything despite working hard for years and years? I'm honestly so over this fucking mundane every day bullshit that has no purpose because why even bother staying alive to not be happy? I dont know what is more annoying then people saying "money can't buy you happiness" because I would slap the fuck out of that person right now. Money would keep me from wondering if I'm going to be able to pay my car payment, or the 10 credit cards I racked up because buying small things like clothes/shoes is one of the only things that makes me happy and gives me something to look forward to. Other than that, I have my dogs which I would die for, but honestly that causes me more stress and anxiety than I ever care to admit.

Its exhausting feeling trapped in a mind full of stress and worry and no light at the end of the tunnel because no circumstance in my life can ever change drastically enough to erase the despair that has become my reality. Ten plus years of major depressive disorder and anxiety with no relief because of once again not being able to afford the proper resources to get better, well that just sounds like a full circle, never-ending fuck of a life doesn't it? People out there who have it good just say shit like "start over," "find what you like to do," "get a different job," like how does any of that sound possible when you have no money to do any of those things? I'm so tired of everything being hard for me. Every fucking thing in my life is hard, yet other people get everything handed to them. Why? Do I want everything handed to me, fuck no. I rarely take help when offered because I'm not a charity case. I want my hard work to pay off, but you cannot get ahead in a society such as ours because everything costs so fucking much that you have to pick and choose between necessities. So basically, as a lower-middle class citizen its impossible for me to be happy and also live within my means, and in SC I make more than double minimum wage. How the hell to people who only make that afford to live? Or have anything nice? They will never be able to be independent, because affording housing for yourself with that salary is damn near impossible.

This short release of emotions I had planned in my head turned into a much longer bitchfest then I intended, but its just hard to go to bed every night knowing I'm still going to be me when I wake up. I truly cannot do it anymore. Im also so sick of worrying about how others will feel if I just die. They never say "I understand it must be hard for you to have to live like this every day, so I respect your decision because it is your life." Nope, they say shit like "just think how I would feel, or how so and so would feel if you were gone." Like why am I the selfish one in this situation? Because I don't want this life for myself? So fucking sorry your lives are so fucking great that you couldn't possibly see this through my eyes. No amount of telling someone how you feel is going to change how bad they truly want to hear it. Sick of trying to explain my feelings to people who don't really care to hear it, and definitely not understand it. Probably why I need a therapist. Oh wait, can't afford one so I will continue to suffer within my own thoughts and feelings.

They wonder why suicide is so fucking common among young people. Like do you see what we have to deal with? Besides the topics I mentioned previously, what about constantly seeing celebrities flash their endless shiny and fancy shit all over social media and the instgram models making you hate your fucking self for wanting to eat. Don't follow them? It doesn't matter if you do or don't because you will see it in ads or on one of your friend's pages anyway. You basically need to live off grid, grow your own food, live in a cabin in the woods without any form of media or form of entertainment whatsoever to rid that shit of your life. I also do not want that, so here I am yet again stuck again. Pitty me, pitty me hey? I dont have it that bad people will say. I have somewhere to live, a car, a job, blah blah blah. Like they know a single fuck about what races through my head all day every day. The stress, the feeling of failure, the feeling of not being good enough, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of whats going on behind my back in my relationship, the feeling of why don't I have the motivation to do my school work, or finish the 5 projects I started, or go for a walk or run, or workout, or eat better, or want to do anything other than sit on my fucking couch and watch TV while my brain continues to race subcontiously, or why the fuck I cant just be happy? It's because not everyone is satisfied with the "simpler things in life." I want to be able to have options in my life. Like if I see something I want thats going to make me happy, I want to be able to buy it. I want to be able to go and travel to do it. I want to be able to relax and not have to worry if I buy or do that thing am I going to be able to pay my bills or buy food. Its debilitating for me. I am controlled by this disease that never lets my mind rest or be happy. Life is simply not worth living if it has to be this hard every day with no sign of a possibility to be better because of the circumstances I have been exposed to. You can't change certain things no matter what and those are things that im not willing to live with anymore. Im suffering and thats not what I want for myself. I want it gone, and for me I only have one option and I'm okay with it. I've been okay with it for over a decade now and that's never going to change. Period.

[voidendron]

The Outside: Chapter 57

Series Ask Blog: @asktheoutside​

Chapter 57: Spring Chapter Warnings: Swearing, Brief Mention of (Medical) Drugging POV: Dr. Iplier

March 28, 2031, 6:20 PM Breckenridge, Colorado

Everything had become a muddy mess with the recent snow melt that would end up freezing if they got the final, late storm that was expected. Dr. Iplier grumbled and kicked a foot to send muck flying off the toe of his boot. He was wearing a sweater instead of the usual coat, beanie stuffed in the pocket. Another trainee had given him a ride from the resort and dropped him off on the main drag.

Now, he found himself leaning near the door to the toy shop as he waited for Wilford to get off work. He was grateful the roads had been cleaned off; at least that meant vehicles wouldn’t splash slush at him as he waited for the older Ego.

Shifting aching feet, he huffed. Ten minutes before Wilford was off. Edward wasn’t sure he could stand there that long. God, was training tiring. Especially with an impromptu rescue when some teenagers decided to try and hike the melting ski trails. Slushy, muddy, slippery. What did they expect? Not possible injury, apparently. The little quest had ended with one of them breaking their leg and another with a sprained wrist.

As well as some very irritated rescuers and parents. It had been like a goddamn mud-wrestling pit trying to get down to the teens and then get the one who broke her leg back up the slope. Edward was wearing borrowed clothes because of it; what he’d been wearing now soaked and caked in mud. At least the resort had showers…

The doctor groaned and dragged a hand over his face. He was just in training and he was fucking exhausted. Training would probably continue on until the snow returned in a few months and god how could anyone do this for life? His feet and back were aching, and he was going to bed the moment he was back at the hotel only to start again tomorrow. Or…no, he wasn’t. Dammit. He’d need to tend to the Host’s eyes first. He felt guilty for the pang of annoyance that brought him. It had never annoyed him before.

He was just tired. He knew that’s all it was. Tired and irritable and hungry and he just wanted sleep goddammit.

A harsh breath huffed through his nose and Edward leaned his head back against the building and closed his eyes.

Speaking of the Host, they needed to figure out what to do about him. His eye sockets wouldn’t return to their original state with the light bleeding that had never caused him trouble. It was almost as if his body was attacking itself.

The doctor’s brows furrowed as he went over the others in his head. The only others with permanent injuries were Anti with his throat, and Dark’s broken neck. The glitch’s throat had healed over, though, and Dark had outright said his neck was sore (from stress, no doubt), but no longer causing any sort of pain he’d gotten used to after so long. So why hadn’t Host’s eyes healed upon coming Outside? It had been months, and now a fever had finally hit him. They’d grown worse over that time, not better as the other two’s had.

A frown crossed his lips and he shook his head. Hopefully Host was laying down rather than straining himself with writing or narrating. Dark was surely keeping an eye on him, periodically making him drink water with a cellphone nearby to call Edward if anything changed.

The doctor dearly hoped it was just the cold and dry air that had caused the problem. They’d never gotten the sort of cold they had here in Incorporated’s territory of the Figmental Plane. Hopefully it was just that the Host’s body wasn’t used to it. Maybe now that it was warming up, he’d start improving.

At the sound of the bell hanging above the door, the doctor pushed himself away from the wall. “Wilf—” He cut himself off with a startled yelp, then a thin wheeze as his back hit the ground.

He blinked up at the man who’d run into him. Mr. Flynn. …Great.

The man was grumbling, feet slipping in the slush as he tried to stand back up, only to fall back down. His paint- and varnish-stained clothes were quickly soaked through.

“For fuck’s sake…” he growled.

A shake of the head and Edward sat up, grimacing as he felt moisture soaking into the back of his sweater. That’s just great… He huffed and carefully pulled himself to his feet before holding out a hand with the other braced against the side of the building. “Mr. Flynn?”

The man’s head snapped up at his name. He hesitated a moment before grasping Dr. Iplier’s arm and the two fought with the slush a to get the business owner up without sending them both back down into it. He was glaring. Of course he was. Was he always pissed off? And this was just even more reason for him to be if so.

“I’ve got a goddamned meeting with a client in ten minutes.” He shook his sleeves out; water and wet snow flying in all directions. “You’re here for Williamson?” He waited for the nod before waving a hand about. “Then go get ‘im, an’ get the hell outta here.”

The doctor bit his tongue when the man turned sharply on his heel to stalk down the sidewalk. Edward could say something, but he really didn’t want to cost Wilford his job. Flynn was…such an unpleasant man. He dreaded the day Wilford lost his patience. How he had any for the man in the first place was a miracle in and of itself. They were…very, very fortunate Wilford understood very well how much they needed his income.

Stifled laughter immediately after the bell at the door rang again cued the doctor of Wilford’s presence. He sighed and shook his head. Yes, he knew his sweater was soaked and that he look ridiculous.

“Come on,” he grumbled as he grabbed the older Ego by the arm and marched off through the slush. He may or may not have splashed a little more than strictly necessary just to mess up Wilford’s pants, but hey. He deserved it for laughing.

“Your boss is a wonderful man.” Edward’s voice dripped with sarcasm. There, he couldn’t help a grin when his companion snorted.

“He’s drivin’ me up a wall is what he’s doin’.”

“Just don’t kill him is all I ask.”

Wilford shrugged as if he really didn’t care. For a moment, Edward’s anxiety spiked with that simple motion. Then, “Eh. Not interestin’ enough for that.” He proceeded to grin and elbow the doctor in the side. “And we need the money!”

“Thank god… Just keep it that way.” He paused a moment; ran a hand through his hair. “Have you heard anything about Marvin?”

“Eh… Last I heard he was awake. Loopy though.”

A little nod. Poor guy was probably so drugged up he couldn’t think straight. The doctor had to wonder what exactly went wrong to cause Marvin such severe burns. At the same time, he was more worried about one of his own companions.

“I’d like to start speaking with Anti, if you can get his number from Bing or the Twins?” He waved off Wilford’s surprised look. “I need to figure out what to do about the Host. Anti may be a good place to start.”

No sleep, it would seem; at least not until late that night. Edward’s shoulders sagged slightly, but he knew he had a job to do first and foremost.

[shakingsphere]

um i need a distraction so heres a question thing that yall are supposed to send to me but i just answered all of them if ur interested

Alisons: Sexuality?

straight i think

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/her cis

Amaryllis: Birthday?

january 30th!

Anemone: Favorite flower?

idk what they’re called but these vine type flowers on the side of my porch!

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

atla

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

depends on the context, definitely nothing where they could take advantage of me

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

i hate quotes i can never remember any lmao

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

.... diet coke

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

no

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

maybe? he didnt love me back

Baneberries: Favorite song?

vienna by billy joel

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

my parents are nice and supportive but overbearing and judgmental. my dad has a tendency to talk when its not his place and my mom is very jewish. my sister doesnt like me very much and is kind of rude. one of my brothers is really nice and the other is awful

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I dont

Begonia: Favorite color?

green

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

red panda

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

a cat

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

an animator 

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

i love kids theyre so cute

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

heights bc theyre scary, and unachieving because i dont want to waste my life

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i used to play with ants a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

like if i was conscious it was my last day? i dont even know

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

single :/

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

central asia and iran

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when im with my friends and we’re just hanging out

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

no ma’am i am a child of god

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

my ear lobes and i want to get my doubles done

California Poppy: Height?  

5′3. it be like that

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

yes!!!!!!!!!!!! omg

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

a college sweatshirt and pj pants with penguins on them

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

when i was little....

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my friend hannah

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

i haven’t...

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

um lobster?

Columbine: Are you tired?

yeah lol

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

college and moving out of state!!

Coneflower: Dream job?

something where i can use my degree lmao

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

i think im an introvert but i also might just have anxiety

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

maybe?

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i would take a bullet for most of my loved ones

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

yes. a tie-dyed teddy bear named tie-dye. he is my husband.

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

aquarius

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

nothing that people who arent me should remember, but i think our experiences shape us so

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

im not dead idk

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

um id probably be upset i care about my parents approval way to much

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

my friend hannah again lol

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

public speaking!!

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

math

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

um i met my future roommate, i lost a bit of weight, and i got some cute shorts

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

stressful! 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

no

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

join my college’s honors program and study in russia

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

im not doing this one too tired

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed? 

xanax 

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

i try to tell ppl they are important to me

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

im funny i think

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

i wake up at 9:30 its 70 degrees Fahrenheit and i get lunch with some friends and then we hang out for the day

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

im so bad about this all i do is watch youtube and study, but i love to draw and im going to start reading more

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

pretty sure its french for clear or bright (depending on the context). my mom just liked it

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

im from a suburb of kck. its a nice and safe place to grow up but i wouldnt choose to live here

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

nice, but its in the basement so the view is really bad i hate that

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

no nope no

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she is very smart and hardworking but very judgmental and a bit inconsiderate. she loves me very much tho

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

he is short and angry. he tends to interrupt me a lot. he is supportive of everything i do. he is stingy about money tho

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my mother’s mom died before i was born, and my i was never close with her father. he died when i was 8. my other grandma has bad dementia and isn’t sure who i am anymore. shes presbyterian but she would send my sister and i dreidels and such for hanukkah. im told i look a lot like her. my grandfather has been very grumpy for as long as ive known him.   

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

my 13th. i had an anxiety attack and had to go home early.

Peony: What was your first job?

i was a hostess at a seafood restaurant.

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

i give myself time to process it and then just move forward i guess

Pink: Where is home?

where your sense of belonging is ig idk

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

i would have made better grades and quit band in middle school haha 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i want to be happy with 2 kids and a husband and live below my means but still be comfortable 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

nihil was a philosopher. 

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

fuck idk my dog

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

background noise when your sitting outside

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?

for everything to work out!!!  

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

very very hard

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

the internet

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

8 hours but i overslept

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

i have to

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

i dont have a job rn and thats bad

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

my jeans from uo

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

cool librarian or 90s mom

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

160,000 dollars :)

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

the cost of college!!!!

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

oof like 2. i read Dune, and Slaughterhouse Five

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

college! finishing up my first semester

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

yeah :( 

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

ive been late to ap french almost every day this semester #c’estlavie

[nakedfullmonty-fr]

being tired makes me emotionally vulnerable and i know i just. keep apologising and doing nothing to fix it but uughhhhhhhhhh i miss you guys and i miss working on my lore but im just a fucking mess aha

its a whole bag of ass i guess. you guys know already that i went part time at work to start studying again so there’s that which just sucks all the life outta me. its a two year course but i was trying to fit it into one year, so that’s A Lot. im stressed always.

but also we’ve discovered there’s a solid chance i have undiagnosed adhd which would also explain. a lot. but thats also a nightmare to deal with (always has been but i guess because i have so much going on now that it just. feels worse). i put blocks on my laptop to help me try and deal with this so i only get about 10 minutes of social media per hour (and i still dont get anything done lol it doesnt work) so obviously i can’t post much here.

and part of my studying involves having to go and do lab work, but the centre they do it at is nowhere fucking near my house, so i have to spend my saturdays travelling for like 4 hours across like 4 different train and bus combos,and staying overnight, then getting to the place and working all sunday and then coming home late and going back to work monday morning. so i basically dont have a full day to myself for the next month and im already very tired. its also costing me a fucking ridiculous amount of money which is depressing lol.

i also went vegetarian a few months ago out of desperate need for any sort of relief from the unrelenting fear and guilt that climate change brings me, and because i rushed into it i didn’t plan very well RE the fact that me and food dont get along well psychologically. so i think i also gave myself some sort of nutrient deficiency. hopefully when i get my weekends back i can sit down and properly work out how to get what i need and use my weekends to batch cook so i can eat decently in the week.

sorry for just coming here to whine again but i just dont want you guys to think im gone or i dont care any more. i do, i just have a fair bit going on right now, and im stressed and tired all the time and just dont have any energy to even think of some boring ass headcanon to spout, let alone write actual lore. i see all my mutuals posting theirs and i want to catch up so maybe once ive fixed my fucking 8 simultaneous nightmares i can sit down and read through everything.

so yeah my lack of posting means i lost all momentum and internet clout i had but if youre still sticking around; thank u

[spark1edog]

alcohol/suicidal ideation cw

long ramble about. Things ig. tldr: moving house, coping with substances, really going BbrbrrrrrRrr about having turned Older

i had my bday party on the 28th and went kinda wild at the liquor store so there’s just been. soooo much alcohol in the fridge and like it hasn’t even been a full week and it’s almost entirely gone. ive been avoiding day drinking pretty well, but this month has put me through the fucking wringer goddamn

i had my first booth vending for my small business early this month, then i greyed out a whole week and it was birthday time, blacked out a couple more days, then it was a few days until the party, and since then ive been even MORE out of it and losing time AND now we have to fucking move. im also like mega depressed but that’s probably just because ive been drinking and also taking my meds so. whatever it’ll go away maybe

im just super worried and kind of ashamed of how easily alcohol could become a big problem for me. the only barrier now is money, and maybe distance when we get to the new place. sighs i just.

i hate moving so much it’s really hard for me emotionally cuz moving is usually associated with a terrible situation for me, but this time it isn’t and it’s like. my body is kind of in shock and ive been so so so dissociated bc of all the feelings and memories moving brings up.

it’s a terrible sensation i feel it in my stomach and groin almost, that tends to be where the most visceral confusing deep seated stress is felt for me. to compound things, my hip has been causing problems RIGHT after my back stopped. so walking and lifting things has been hard and im. agh im dreading packing and moving and thinking about all of the bullshit logistics and stuff behind everything.

my mom was like. hey do you want me to tell you guys (me and my partner) how much this is costing As A Life Lesson? and i just said. listen man. that will make everything so SOOOO much worse for me bro. like if something financial related is like relevant to a conversation you don’t have to Hide it or anything just. i really really don’t need every detail because that will just make me feel triggered and guilted and then i’ll REALLY have a rough time with this move.

it’s interesting though that like. when we moved in here it was a genuinely just. awful time and i didn’t even plan to survive to see the next place tbfh, but im here now and it’s really very surreal and scary and im. upset. there’s so much going on mentally like. god how the fuck did i let myself get this far away from The Plan yk like. i never planned to be 21. Never. i thought i would die under 19. i fucking Wanted to. but i like. i don’t now, not right now, i think ill still die young probably but. i have concrete like reasons to live now and plans for a future where i can maybe even be kinda happy. i just. it’s so fucking scary to have gotten to this point where im actually. somewhat content with being alive.

and now moving out of this place in that position is. hopefully going to make it easier to bounce back, im just trying to focus on what i want to do with my room and all that. i want to try to get to community college in 2023 i think, but im just trying to get through the day right now. im just fucking exhausted on so many levels and like. the system has been cooperating more or less on making sure things stay moving and stuff but. god im just so. fucking. tired. all the time. i just want to be Done and stay that way for a minute.

[unbakehisbeans]

I’m so tired and I don’t want to do anything. It sucks because like I don’t even really know how to express my feelings in a way that helps.

Like, I stay up late to do homework and then I get up early-ish to go to school and I don’t really zone out while driving I pay attention basically the whole time so that’s really tiring and then I do the mental work required of me in class and then I do the mental work required of me for homework and it really wears me out. I need more rest than this. And then on top of that I don’t get enough to eat most days so im even more tired.

And I’m stressed as hell because it’s the end of the semester and I was out of commission for three days because of my trip for grad school so now my work has piled up and I have so little time to do what I need to do and even less energy. If I wasn’t so drained and tired I wouldn’t have to stay up late to do my homework because I’d get it done before bedtime, but I’m always drained and tired because I have to go to class and commute then worry about dinner and do my chores. So I’m worried about not getting things done in time and making bad grades because of it and I’m worried I won’t finish my manuscript in time and my scholarship will be revoked and I’m worried about disappointing people if I don’t do well.

And every time I express this to anyone they’re always just kind of like well you always do the work and you always get good grades so everything will be okay, and that’s not really what I want to hear, idk what I want to hear but it’s not that. Like, I know that, I know that it’ll be okay and that I’ll get it done and do a good job but it still feels really bad right now. And more than that I’m so upset about the cost it all comes at.

I don’t get to rest, I don’t get to eat, I don’t get to exercise and keep my body healthy, I don’t get much of a social life, and driving to school costs me so much money. I’ve been grieving for my youth and my health basically. It sucks that I don’t get to hang out with friends and loved ones, it sucks that my success is directly related to really unhealthy behaviours, it sucks that I have to be so stressed and so tired.

And like I try not to complain because it sounds really petty and I think everyone hates that the girl with the sparkly grades and the phd program acceptance is complaining about school—and yeah you’re so right, so much of the work required for this is easy for me and I’m good at it, but look at the cost of it all. I don’t know if that’s a good thing. I’m not really miserable or anything I’m just overwhelmed and I feel like I’m drowning.

And I think people’s expectations for how difficult college is and what that looks like really fuck me over here. Like I know all-nighters are relatively normal but I never ever do them, I can’t do them because at some point I just can’t focus and get any work done AND it’s horribly dangerous because I have to drive for two hours going 70-80 mph and that should never be done after an all nighter because somebody could die. And most of my work gets turned in on time I’m not usually late, but that’s because that work has hard deadlines and is usually less time and labour intensive than the work that isn’t getting done. And I’m not like outwardly freaking out, I don’t break down and cry in front of people and I don’t constantly tell the people around me that I’m exhausted and stressed and lonely and feel like I’m dying inside. So yeah I’m sure on the outside it looks like I’m perfectly fine and when I say that I’m not doing okay then idk I guess no one believes me? And idk what I need I want emotional support but idk what that looks like.

And I’m kind of furious with and jealous of other people. Like I know other people who complain and wear their stress on their sleeve, but a lot of those people have time to spend time with friends, or they have time to work out or even go to the gym and stuff, and every single one of them has time to eat they all eat just fine everyone else eats enough with no problems. They have time to read for pleasure and to watch TV. Am I doing something wrong?? How come I don’t have time to work out and eat and watch TV? How come I don’t have time to have a social life?

It feels like I’m locked inside a little grey box. I get up I go to school I come home I eat I do homework then I go to bed. And even then, even though I’m not doing anything else there’s still not enough time to do everything I need to do, how could there possibly be time to socialize or work out or watch TV?

[spes-elpis]

3/21/2022

wow its almost been a year since i wrote in here. and im not gonna finish all that other stuff from that last post. i actually had that post in drafts for some reason. anyway, i’ve been...tired. so much has happened these past two years i feel like ive aged 10 years, and yet its also been such a blur too. i started a new job and been working for about 3 weeks now. its coffee bean and tea leaf. the people are so nice its almost suspicious. and it wasn't until a hobo freaked out in the store that i realized im un-phased by those things cause they were so normal where i used to live. this is my first “teen” job. ive only ever really worked jobs that entailed certain professional fields and not barista with drive thru experience. its fine though. pretty easy although instead of me being the younger new girl, i am now older than half my coworkers and a few supervisors. after the past 2 years my finances went down the drain along with my credit score. so ill have to look for a second job cause this 15bucks and hour on part time is not gonna cut it. ive been stressed over money since last December when my government help stopped. for a while my fiance was working side jobs when i need him to work an actual job where he clocks in and gets a steady paycheck. i support him way to much when im the woman in the relationship i should be the stay at home one in the kitchen. its bothered me for a while now. me taking care of him when he should, at least financially. hell a few days ago we bought groceries for 300bucks and he was like it was expensive when can i get money from you and i was like EXCUSE ME? it had gotten so irritating with little things here and there like i bought him a 50 dollar atst figure for his bday while i also buy our toiletries, laundry, and food things. he doesn't buy me shit. when we go out for food is really the only time he pays and even then he sometimes asks me for money. i really needed nonslip shoes for my job but couldn't afford them and it took so much for him to finally say ok you can BORROW my money. i was like fuck you cant just buy them for me? its not even a fun thing its a job necessity. and with all this buying stuff and him asking me for money almost expecting me to do it has gotten me into the type of thinking where i don't want to marry him. ive come to that a few times. though he doesn't know, im sure it'd hurt him, ive come so close to calling off the engagement and just staying this way but where i don't buy him shit anymore. so i made a promise with the Lord last month. i was like ok if by the end of next month he doesn't go out to apply to a steady job, then im gonna have a serious conversation with him about whats at stake. THANKFULLY pretty much at the beginning of this month he started looking for a steady job with tradesman stuff like electrician and construction. i hope that him having a steady income will also fix his attitude and depression. i cant help but remember what my dad told me once.

     “Men need to work and have a steady income in order to care for their families and when they don't have that they feel so helpless and depressed because they feel they are unable to care for their loved ones.” (paraphrased)

I think that's exactly whats happened to Max. i love him sooooooooooooo much but i also am starting to think more of how i want to be a stay at home mom who home schools her children and takes care of a small farm. all that traditional family life costs STABILITY. and money, sadly, is the root of everything. i don't ever want to hold money over anything, because i believe life and relationships and experiences are worth so much more. but i also know the reality of it being, you need money to do all those things. i want my kids to experience different cultures and travel to beautiful natural places but that costs money. i hate that money has such a horrible hold. i grew up with no money so no real way to adventure and fly free like ive always wanted, like i would in my books. i don't want my kids to feel trapped like that. i don't want them to just explore from a book, but also out there where people and nature are.

[artistlove17]

Me with my parents 110% I've finally gotten fed up with my dad. I went over there to pick up my Stepsister and while I was there I dropped off his credit card (that he had given me to get gas and food). I'm cutting myself off because I'm tired of him feeling as if he can hold anything over my head. It's just annoying as all hell to have your parents act like total jackasses and lie to your face before turning around and pretending to be these perfect people. My dad and stepmom sat and told my stepsiblings that they didn't have the money to take them to see their family last summer... And then LITERALLY 2 weeks later my stepmom went and got a brand new 2017 model car... Traded in her car for it and started making those expensive ass payments. She even made a comment about how it was costing her more than her other car (which was also new and perfectly fine!) And all I could think was "So.. you can spend thousands of dollars on a new car that you didn't even NEED. But you can't afford to buy two plane tickets or provide gas money to send your kids to visit their grandmother and brother two states over!?" Then my dad is always... ALWAYS... asking when I'm going to get a job, where I'm trying to get a job, if I'm trying to get a job. (I have been applying and no one will hire me because I have no experience!) I'm in college. My classes go from 7:30am to 3:30pm... And that doesn't include the 2-4 hours of studying/homework I have to do afterwards. I literally don't have TIME for a job. But he always claims "a lot of people work while they're in school!" IM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE!!! I can't stay focused all day at school... Have time to study so I can keep my grades up... Then spend at least 5-8 hours working a job! There is only 24 hours in a day... How the actual hell am I expected to do that!? 8 hours of school + 2 hours of studying/homework + 5-8 hours at work. That's 15-18 (maybe more depending on homework and job) hours being on my feet, using my brain, and getting shit done. That leaves me around 8 or 9 hours to also go home and do my laundry (and any other chores I need to do) and shower and sleep. That leaves me NO time to myself. No time to take a break and do what I need to do to even be mentally stable. I'm already struggling as it is. I have PCOS. I'm constantly in pain. I battle anxiety and depression every fucking day of my life. I deal with constantly being sick. Then I have to deal with life stresses and situations. Having my dad constantly asking when I'm going to get a job seriously pisses me off and stresses me out even more. The ONLY thing he pays for me is my car insurance, and I don't even know if he is still paying that! My card is out of date and he hasn't given me a new one so I don't know if he's even paid it!! Yet here he is, talking down to me and acting like NOTHING I do is ever good enough. I always have to do more. I'm apparently supposed to run myself into the damn dirt! Is that what will make him happy!? For me to try so hard I end up failing at everything?? Or for me to finally drive myself off the fucking cliff I constantly feel like I'm on the edge of!? Then he wants to start arguments on fucking Facebook like a damn child!? He literally HAD to comment on my post about this crazy lady who was arguing with me when she had no idea what she was talking about and part of my post was "she literally could have figured it out with one Google search" and he HAD to start in with his old person rant. Claiming MY generation is the problem and we hate all the older people and went on and on about how we can't trust the internet and "you learn more from life experience." WHAT FUCKING LIFE EXPERIENCE!?!? ALL HE DOES IS EAT, SLEEP, SHIT, GO TO WORK, AND FUCKING REPEAT!! He doesn't go outside of this state more than maybe once a year... And he only goes one state over, which isn't saying much seeing as we LIVE on the fucking border!! The state line is literally 7 minutes from my house!!! And he acts like he's been around the world and done SO MUCH with his life... HE HASNT EVEN BEEN OUTSIDE OF THE UNITED STATES!!! Then he ended his immature little rant with "I'm just stating the facts!" When NO BITCH YOU WERE STATING YOUR DUMBASS OPINION!!!! I AM the one who has been all over the country! I flew to the complete other side of the United States to be with my best friend after she tried to commit suicide!! 👏LIFE EXPERIENCE!! 👏 And what I was even talking about in my post was RESEARCH! Which means reading and searching and studying to figure out all sides of the story. So you can be INFORMED and knowledgeable about what you're speaking on. Studying scholarly articles for HOURS ON END so you know as much as possible about what you're talking about. Watching documentaries and travelling to places you're trying to learn about. THATS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT. And he literally started an argument about it... Pretty much calling me stupid and acting like he is this all knowing and great individual who knows SOOOO much about everything. Literally tried to tell me that I was dumb for trying to RESEARCH and STUDY things and claimed "You'll learn more from life experience!!" WHAT LIFE EXPERIENCE!? IM IN COLLEGE! HE WORKS IN A FUCKING FACTORY!!! Does he mean him abondonig me when I was a baby!? How he LET my stepfather beat me with a belt until I was black and blue and covered in welts!? I was so fucked up from my back to my thighs that my Grandmother threatened my stedads life with a fucking butcher knife!! She told him she'd "deMAN" him if he ever touched me again. Yet when I called my father begging and crying for him to come get me.. he told me to suck it up and said it "was just a wooping" and that I'd "get over it by tomorrow." When NO. What happened was, I wasn't able to sit properly for a fucking week! I was a child who was scared out of her mind and hurt. That's my "life experience" thanks to him. Even when I was still in high school he tried to do that shit. Would talk about how "high" his test scores were and tried to make it seem like I was stupid compared to him... When I was the one getting scholarships and ACTUALLY going to college!! While all he's EVER done is work in a fucking factory!! And I understand there are different "kinds" of smart, like book smart vs street smart. HE IS NEITHER AND I AM BOTH!! AND IM SICK OF HIM ACTING LIKE IM SOME STUPID AND NAIVE LITTLE GIRL!! He is the idiot. He is the one with literally no fucking common sense. All he did my entire childhood was smoke pot with his BLACK friends... And then got pissed when he found out I fucked a black guy! Got pissed when he found out my Stepsister hangs out with black guys (and has probably slept with a couple herself)! How the fuck are you going to be racist and judge people after YEARS of you BEING one of those people you now get pissed at!? I hate racism anyway, it's fucking stupid, but I hate even more when someone is a fucking hypocrite! Luckily for him he hasn't said shit about me being bisexual to my face. I'd probably knock his damn teeth out his mouth if he did.... That's how fucking fed up I am. Hell, my mom doesn't even know because I already hear enough homophobic shit from her. And then they both wonder why I never visit. Why I never call or text. Because it's ALWAYS drama and bullshit with them!!! They don't know shit about my depression. They don't know shit about my anxiety. They don't know shit about my eating disorder. My dad acts like my PCOS diagnosis is a joke and that it's some fake disease I made up! Which is fucking stupid seeing as it affects literally 1 in 6 women!! That means statistically me and at least one other girl in each of my classes have it! There are whole pages and articles and books about it! There's a movement right now to raise awareness and money for PCOS! We have our own ribbon and our color is teal! IT'S NOT JUST SOME SHIT I MADE UP FOR PITY!! I'm just so goddamn sick of it all. So. Goddamn. Sick.

[irl]

actually i wanna rant

im so fucking tired man. i have no connections in this city. the only people i have is my neighbor and my coworkers

i cant just. call up my mom or my sister or my aunt or my tons of friends ive grown up with here for help and rides. because i dont have that

like. ive moved so much since i was born that i dont have anyone outside of family that ive known my whole life. the longest ive known someone has been like. 7 years. and no one is near

ik you all grew up here i know you all have barely ever left the state not to mention the rest of your families

ive got no one here. im terrified. i dont know how to get to work, ive got almost no options. i cant just takw the bus here theres no buses that run to the rich area of the city, where i work. i cant take an uber every day because an uber just to work costs like 18 dollars

ive got less than $50 to last me until the 8th of july. i cant do this.

im tired im so stressed. i cant ever do anything at all like

if im not at work im at home. and if im at home im just. dissociating to pass the time because theres almost nothing to do. i cant go out and do anything because everything costs money and indont have a car

i dont have people around to help fill the time fill the air

i just have myself and my cat and my phone to tap tap tap away on and just

dissociate

at this point im either asleep, dissociating, or in Customer Service Mode. theres no existing outside of this. and even now because im just. dissociating costantly. im dissociating at work constantly. CSM is getting harder and harder to maintain because then my stress and thoughts are active and i have nothing to beat it back with because i cant just. let myself slip into the dissociation. because i need to be customer oriented

and so unless im actively engaging a customer im just consumed in my head

theres no escape

i just

need a break

i feel like ive been backed into a corner

i feel the walls closing in

im so stressed and i feel like im on the verge of a mental break, but ive been on the verge of a mental break for god knows how long

[lala-baby]

just to keep track of this

verbal

insulting things she knew I liked or was insecure about as a “joke”, especially my body

constantly insulting my intelligence and saying that she’s never met anyone as stupid as me, including saying that nobody else did things I did (e.g choking on spit occasionally)

speaking to me in a demeaning way (“go be a good little bitch and do X” “you can give me £xx for that since you’re using it” “know your place, bitch”)

Angrily criticizing me for things that weren’t my fault (and in a lot of cases were actually her fault)

telling me she doesn’t want control of me despite her actions completely contradicting that

calling me a nympho if i showed any kind of sexual interest, and occasionally telling other people that i was to try to embarrass me (like veda/stacey)

yelling at me for petty things like if I got water on the worktop after washing up

calling me a man or saying I was manly to me/others, or referring to me as a troll or a hog

saying i was too sensitive if i said i didnt like her shouting at me/calling me names etc and she was just being “brutally honest” because i wouldnt listen to her otherwise

calling me a narcissist

calling me arrogant if i didnt listen/disagreed with her

saying i had selective hearing when i genuinely didnt hear her say something (she may not even have said it and just been fucking with me)

bringing up ancient grievances at every opportunity (e.g when i gently tried to suggest that she might be a hypochondriac because its not normal to constantly want to go to the hospital)

making threats about hitting me if i did something she didnt like

shouting at me for crying if she’d upset me

deliberately saying nonsensical shit to win arguments since it cant be argued with (word salad)

having to win at absolutely everything and generally being adversarial

telling me that i can do things/that she wont stop me but then getting jealous and angry making it too difficult to continue

calling me arrogant and saying i was deliberately ignoring her if i didnt hear her because i was concentrating on something on my phone, usually followed by threatening to smash it

Telling me I was a cunt

Being deliberately transphobic to try and upset me

Saying my haircut made me look like I had downes syndrome

physical

hitting me for fun and then telling me it didn’t hurt and I was a pussy, even if bruises formed afterwards and were pointed out to her (she just continued to deny doing it or laughed at me)

holding me down and forcing medication into my mouth, giving me a panic attack so severe she thought i was having an anaphalactic reaction and called 999

Forcing me to drink herbal cough medicine that tasted vile because she said it was the only one that worked for me, even when I didn't really have a cough

using her security training to restrain me for no good reason other than to demonstrate her strength, while telling me I was weak

not allowing me to, or making it too difficult for me to make my own food choices leading to me putting on a huge amount of weight

controlling my medication/using it as an excuse to gaslight me (“these meds are making you act like a cunt, im taking you to get them changed” if I said no or disagreed with her, dictating when i took them/what dose i took, telling me certain medications wouldnt work for me because they didnt work for her and that the prescriber didnt know what they were talking about)

picking her stank-ass belly button and holding me down and forcing her fingers up my nose (what the fuck)

biting me hard enough to leave marks

controlling when i was allowed to sleep and getting angry and calling me lazy if i was tired, but also often waking me up throughout the night insisting that i was snoring and had to turn over /go sleep on the couch

forcing me to sleep under a duvet even though i sleep badly with them and making a big fuss if i refused

“jokingly” burning me with a lighter (though not inflicting actual burns)

Sitting on me to the point of restricting my airways

Pulling my hair

sexual

holding me down and sucking/biting my neck painfully hard even when I was yelling at her to get off of me and had warned her beforehand not to do that because i hated it and it hurt me (and insisting that it wasn’t hurting me, then mocking me/being angry afterwards)

deliberately giving me love bites against my will in places i couldn’t hide them, especially if i was due to see my family to try to embarrass me

telling me that it was my own fault for not being relaxed enough if I wanted to stop penetration because it was hurting and continuing despite my discomfort; getting angry/frustrated if I continued to say no/still didnt enjoy it to the point where i had to wait until I couldn't take it any more to get her to stop

saying that the reason I couldn’t orgasm from sex with her was because I masturbated too much and “banning” me from it for months at a time, then accusing me of not following orders and lying to her if i still couldnt orgasm

putting me on a “sex ban” if I didn’t do what she wanted in day to day life

saying inappropriate things to others, including my parents, alluding to our sex life

having inappropriate conversations about my body with the elderly man we were caring for in front of me, despite knowing that he had sexually assaulted me in the past

angrily insisting that she knew what she was doing and I didn’t have to tell her if I tried to communicate about how things felt

insisting that she had brought me to orgasm when she hadn’t, and that she knew because she could “taste the difference” and I must just not have felt it because my body didn’t work right, to the point that I believed her and thought there was just something wrong with me

insisting that “all /none of the other girls I’ve been with were like that” to try and guilt me about things I had no control over (genital appearance etc)

financial

making me spend the weekends (friday to monday) with her but complaining that I used all her electric/water/etc. when challenged about how much it was actually costing she said i didn’t know anything about how much things cost because “mummy and daddy had always paid everything for me”, and wouldn’t stop being nasty/aggressive until I gave in

making me buy her food shopping with my savings /using my savings as a free resource to be dipped in to at any time when she had spent her own money

making me buy her things or contribute towards buying things for her flat (hundreds regularly) through guilt /empty promises of repayment/getting me stuff when i moved out

telling me that I only give a shit about money and that I’m obsessed with it if I tried to say no to any financial demands

pressuring me to pay for holidays for us on the understanding that she would provide the spending money, but using her benefits payment instead of saving up for it so I ended up having to give her more money after the holiday so she could still eat/pay bills

not bothering to pay her bills/debts, knowing that it would worry me and that i would end up paying them off for her

buying me presents I didn’t want or need as a way to control me (either through guilt or just buying me things like tracksuits that she knew i didnt want to wear but would feel obligated to because she wanted to control how i dressed), but then getting the money off of me for them to pay for her bills etc as she had run out

becoming angry if I tried to donate anything she had bought for me, including things like children’s toys that she insisted I needed for my “autism”

pressuring me to buy ostentatious gifts (e.g nintendo switch, televisions) for her niece and nephew, usually in the range of hundred of pounds, and then taking credit for it as if she had spent her own money (her justification for this was that she had already spent all of her own money on presents /food /etc for me)

refusing to save/claiming she couldnt save and was “happy as long as she had a fiver in her pocket” because money didnt matter to her, to the point that she had no savings and my family and i had to help her buy furniture etc for her flat

psychological/emotional

being nasty about aspects of my appearance until I gave in and changed it (e.g piercings, hair)

pretending that she had no control over her temper, to the point that she claimed to have “blackouts” of rage where she would come round having seriously injured someone but have no memory of it

telling me it was creepy that I kept my pets ashes and threatening to get rid of them/saying i wasnt bringing them with me when i moved in with her

accusing me off loving my pets more than I loved her, despite causing me to be unable to bond with them properly due to the constant stress I was under

telling other people embarrassing /personal things about me that she found funny, usually in front of me, to try and embarrass me

smugly telling me “I know you better than you know yourself” at every opportunity and generally eroding my sense of self

belittling my likes /interests and replacing them with what she wanted me to like /be interested in - everything from clothes to food to shower gel to music to who I was friends with

trying to convince me to use sperm donated from a fucking facebook page like some kind of insane person

planning to use me to have a child and then send me off to work so she could stay at home on her arse for the rest of her life but framing it as “you can go have a career and ill take care of the baby :)”

accusing me of cheating on her constantly with anyone she perceived as a threat to my obedience (e.g regan, sophie), despite her being the one constantly texting her exes (which i never had a problem with because i trusted her for some goddamn reason)

not allowing me to make friends with anyone she didn’t like and lying to me about them/their motivations to turn me off of them (she claimed to be a good judge of character) - again, regan and sophie

lying constantly in general but making it so that disagreeing with her or calling bullshit would make my life hell and it would get brought up weeks or months down the line

constantly telling me my breath stank (nobody else has ever said that and my dentist literally said my teeth are perfect last time i went), claiming it was because i only drank water and that wouldnt hydrate me (????) and constantly forcing me to drink tea or lucozade (neither of which i would drink given the choice) in large quantities

constantly talking about her work history and forensic history with a sense of pride(assault with intent, gbh, abh, criminal damage, etc etc) and about how badly she’d hurt people in the past, I think to leave me in no doubt as to her capabilities

warping my perception of reality by aggressively denying that things had/hadn’t happened, to the point that I didn’t know what was real and became dependent on her to tell me

using love as a means of control (“you’re meant to love me, I’m your girlfriend” if I tried to assert boundaries/did anything she perceived as insubordinate etc)

bagging up any belongings (except the stuff she wanted to keep for herself) I had at her flat and saying we were over and to come get my shit if I wasn’t obeying her enough

getting suspicious/irritated if I tried to take a bath or use the toilet with the door closed

constantly accusing me of hiding things from her

forcing me to strip naked to allow her to check my body for evidence of self harm

making me use her dirty bath water if I needed one, to “save water” (despite already taking money from me for the water bill)

trying to make me suspicious of the mental health professionals in charge of my care and make them seem untrustworthy or that their opinion was worthless (e.g saying they were wrong about my Dx, therapy won’t work for me, “you don’t have to do every little thing your care coordinator tell you to do it’s just SUGGESTIONS, they’re just trying to control you” etc)

insisting on coming to all my appointments with me so i didnt get to speak to anyone on my own

trying to control my family relationships, e.g making me phone my parents but ensuring that she was there to witness whatever was said, to the point that my family were afraid to voice their concerns about the relationship in case i cut contact with them

constantly posting cringey “romantic” bullshit on Facebook, including buying flowers etc for the sole purpose of showing off what a great girlfriend she was, and becoming angry if I didn’t respond in exactly the right way (not enough kisses etc) for “making her look a cunt ”

getting her niece and nephew to call me auntie lauren and constantly referring to me as her wife from only a few months into the relationship so that i would feel more committed than i was and less able to leave

blaming me and getting angry if the flowers she bought me died too early

getting angry if I didn’t sleep with the multitude of teddies she’d brought me/have them on display at all times and angrily demanding to know why she had wasted her money

constantly telling me that I was doing the things she had to me to do like an idiot, e. g hanging up washing, and taking it down and redoing it in a way that was not discernibly different

always threatening to break up with me if I didn’t toe the line, saying there was no point in us being together and that she didnt need me and wouldnt miss me, and that shed finally have less stress and a tidy flat

saying i was hard work and belittling my intelligence if i asked her how she wanted me to do one of the really specific chores she would make me do

badly neglecting her fish by not performing water changes or removing dead fish to the point that they would literally all die before going out and getting a load more, but not letting me care for them instead despite me pleading her and buying things to make it easier for her to do (e.g an expensive water testing kit that would have lasted her years); getting angry at me if i went behind her back to try to care for them by waking up early to do a water change etc and accusing me of being a smartarse for thinking i knew more about fish than she did when i literally studied animal management at college and actually did know more than her

using me like a slave to clean up her flat/do her washing up/take her mountains of rubbish out by angrily telling me that I had made the mess the previous weekend so she had left it waiting for me (this eventually lead to her having nearly 30 bags of months old rain soaked waste on her balcony one winter that she made me take down myself because “the rubbish is YOUR job and it’s your rubbish too, Ive only ever asked you to do one thing for me and you’re so lazy you won’t even do that blah blah blah”)

telling me to do important things “later” in a way that was framed as her being nice but was actually just more convenient for her /she knew would result in the thing not getting done because she didnt want me doing it

repeatedly breaking my toilet in Nelson House by insisting on flushing her tampons down sand saying that thats what you’re supposed to do, to the point that the toilet was eventually removed, then telling everyone I broke it by having a big shit. as sharing toilets was a mental health difficulty for me I had to suffer for months before being able to move rooms because of this

washing one of my outfits in with her own washing, acting all nice and then later saying that because she had done that for me I had to do a mountain of housework for her

making me go to a&e with her constantly (multiple times a week sometimes) and getting very angry at me if I tried to point out that she didn’t need to go; expecting me to go along with whatever lies she told people about what happened (e.g saying her blood pressure was extremely high and dangerous when it had come back completely normal)

forcing me to spend the weekends at her flat whether I wanted to or not, to the extent that my housing benefit and tenancy at nelson house was put at risk

alternately praising and demeaning my support worker depending on what she had advised me about our relationship (she was leas friend/flying monkey and would switch between saying lea was abusing me and that she was good for me)

making false accusations to the police and sanctuary about me “watching videos of babies being raped” on the darkweb in an attempt to get me to kill myself because i was starting to break away from her control

breaking up with me because i sent someone she didnt like a text after being banned from talking to her all weekend

banning me from talking to people and constantly checking to see if i was or not

taking an “overdose” (it was 25mg of diazepam lol) to try and get me to go crawling back to her

saying that I snored and forcing me to use all kinds of expensive and extremely uncomfortable anti snoring medication /devices, and then usually waking me up in the middle of the night and kicking me out anyway (but getting offended if i suggested sleeping separately from the start)

acting indifferent to my presence and alternating between saying she loved me and that she didn’t need me and wouldn’t miss me if i was gone

forcing me to disclose traumatic things even if I said i wasn’t comfortable speaking to her about it (guilt trips), and then using those things against me/miraculously having the same thing happen to her but ten times worse

gossiping about me with one of my support workers and using that support workers opinion to give legitimacy to her attempts to control my decisions

making me sleep next to the open bedroom door (in her usual spot) when i was unwell despite knowing it terrified me

blaming my behavior on diagnosis she had given me herself (“it’s your autism/bipolar” etc) and insisting i didnt have bpd because “thats just what they diagnose you with when they dont know what to do with you”

making me give her massages/wash her hair and body/squeeze her back spots/shave her legs /cut her toenails for her more or less every night and getting aggressive/sulking if i didnt want to

blaming physical ailments (that she demonstrably didn’t have and who’s severity /presentation changed on a very convenient basis) as an excuse to make me do things for her

putting me under huge amounts of pressure to perform “correctly” for her at all times or be harshly berated, ultimately driving me to attempt suicide several times because there was no escape from her nastiness

telling me that her family didn’t like me /disapproved of our relationship if she couldn’t get her own way and saying they wanted her to leave me because I was x y or z

Repeatedly telling a story about her dad (who has a violent history and had been in prison for attempted murder) threatening to burn down an ex girlfriends workplace and finding it hilarious that her ex was too scared to go to work for weeks

dismissing my concerns about anything as not a big deal or getting angry about me bringing them up, even serious things (e.g a sexual assault)

deliberately provoking me when I had told her to stop because my mental health was bad and i didnt feel able to control my reactions, because she enjoyed the drama /going to the hospital /getting attention from playing the long suffering loyal girlfriend role

only ever treating me with kindness if I had made a suicide attempt/done something dangerous to myself, and then using that against me later (”you put me through hell and im still always there for you so why cant you x y or z”)

blaming her being “in crisis” on me/my poor mental health (and not even being in crisis to begin with)

never saying sorry for hurting me, ever, even when proven “wrong” about something in front of impartial third party who insisted she should apologize for it

getting angry at me for googling any of the ridiculous things she said if I wasn’t sure it was accurate

making me go to a&e/doctors /mental health team when I didn’t want or need to be there because she enjoyed the attention she received as my partner

being angry at me for bring “constantly” on my phone and accusing me of texting other people instead of paying attention to her/whatever was on tv

getting angry if I didn’t want to watch whatever she was watching on tv (she would still be watching it but would get angry if I didn’t pay enough attention)

constantly trying to one-up me with her mental health/dismiss my concerns about how i was feeling and calling me self-centered because she had everything so much worse but was still “getting on with it”

demanding that i always answer the phone to her, and calling multiple times a day to keep tabs on me, usually keeping me talking for 2-3 hours daily whenever i wasnt staying at hers. it got to the point that it was pointless for me to try to do anything because i would start and then she would interrupt. if i didnt answer she would continually call the office claiming to be worried about me

trying to stop me from drinking, going to the extent of telling my parents she thought i had a drinking problem (i objectively didnt) because she didnt want me to spend time with a housemate she was jealous of because we actually had fun

expecting me to drop everything even when I was unwell to help care for an elderly man (who at one point sexually assaulted me), including regularly cleaning up urine/feces from the walls/floor because she didnt want to do that part, despite me saying that we werent trained and didnt have the correct ppe, and if we kept going above and beyond for him social services werent going to put a proper care plan in place for him. includes countless hours at hospital etc

buying me a shirt with a a swear word printed prominently on it and getting angry when I said it would be inappropriate to wear to a care home in case they kicked me out, and forcing me to do it anyway because she wanted brian (old man) to see it

lying about the value of gifts she’d brought me as a means of control/guilt (e.g earrings that she’d told me were £60, getting angry when i accidentally damaged one but when i went to get one fixed the guy said they weren’t worth more than £10 and would cost more to repair than replace)

insisting she couldn’t wait to rehome our cats (and taking the money for them despite the fact that i paid for them and their stuff) and giving them to a stranger despite knowing it would be a matter of weeks before i would be in a position to take them myself, because she couldn’t be bothered to look after them

deciding that we were getting guinea pigs (i wanted something else) and saying that caring for them would be split equally with one belonging to her and one to me, and that she would take them with her when she moved out, but only ever cleaning them once and then leaving me to care for them exclusively

complaining and calling me needy whenever i tried to show any kind of affection

accusing me of not trusting her when i did implicitly like an idiot

blaming all the problems in the relationship on me and whenever i brought up something that was upsetting me telling me that i did it to her too but worse

taking credit for me “getting gobby”/becoming less introverted and saying she was a good influence on me, despite having nothing to do with it (and that not being true, I was just settling in to the house)

having to sit in darkness because she wouldn’t let me open the blinds because she said having them open would damage her tv

if i was ever angry/irritated saying i was “hangry” and taking the piss, encouraging me to comfort eat and then acting smug when it calmed me down

saying that she hopes my friend dies and that she deserves to die when she was in a coma

trying to turn a mutual friend against me after she broke up with me, to the point that the friend refused to repeat what she'd said but told me she was dangerous and to stay away from her

expecting me to drop everything and make her cups of tea whenever she wanted, and making me remake them if they weren’t perfect /getting angry if I said i was busy

particularly saying i had to remake tea because it tasted like soap because i hadnt washed her cup up properly (she would use the same mugs continually until they were absolutely filthy and then leave me to wash them when i was there), often after I definitely had washed them properly but she just wanted to keep me in my place

playing on my fears (of guilt, abandonment etc)

convincing me to change my mind about what i wanted through compliments etc (e.g saying i looked much better wearing whatever she wanted me to wear)

expecting me to know what she wanted at all times without being asked and generally to be able to read her mind, and getting angry and claiming that i should know what she wanted because i was her girlfriend and that she always knew what i wanted and did everything for me blah blah blah

getting angry when i suggested couples therapy and saying it would be pointless because i would just blame everything on her

accusing me of “thundering around” and having heavy footsteps when i was just walking normally so I got so paranoid i had to tiptoe everywhere

refusing to clean up to the point that she got cockroaches, then refusing to acknowledge that it was because she kept leaving dirty dishes etc out and blaming it on her neighbours or on me, and then refusing to do anything about it so i had to pay for the poison and put it out repeatedly etc and make sure I cleaned up after her every time I came over so they wouldn't keep coming back

getting extremely frustrated when trying to accomplish simple tasks (usually diy related) but getting really angry and me when i offered help and accusing me of thinking she was an idiot (she was being an idiot a lot of the time, not reading instructions/using powertools in dangerous ways etc). it was scary and she would sometimes break things that i had bought out of frustration if she couldnt get them to work right (the cat cage & ball track toy for example)

refusing to prepare at all for when she moved out of nelson house so i had to do it, and then refusing to unpack her stuff at the other end in the hope that i would do that too

refusing to let me report an incidence of child abuse that happened in a neighbouring flat to hers because she was friends with the father and said the child deserved it

refusing to let me take the bus at times (she did pay for taxis for me but given the amount of money she took from me i might as well have been paying for them) even when i wanted to and acting like by not giving me a choice she was doing me a favour. in retrospect i think she wanted to know that i was going straight home

always asking me where i was, who i was with and sometimes accusing me of lying about it, either way trying to make my life hell

trying to encourage me to stay on my own and ignore my housemates but phrasing it in a cutesy way (just make a cup of tea and shut your door and have a nice night to yourself without any drama) so it sounded less like she was trying to be controlling

ringing me every night to confirm that i was in bed when i said i would be and making me video call her if she didnt believe me

telling me gossip about mutual friends that wasnt even true because she loved the drama (e.g saying venetias children had died because they had been born deformed)

constantly slagging off her exes and telling fantastical stories about how they broke up/stalked her/abandoned her/abused her and about the triumphant ways she got back at them

generally always telling incredibly unbelievable stories that made her look either “good” (e.g “taking down a squaddie in front of his mates”, sleeping with a nurse while both on duty) or made her out to be the illest (claiming to have had a psychotic break, coughing up a kidney stone)

virtue signalling with brian while also being controlling towards him/explaining things to him in a way that he would do what she wanted/saying “oh he won’t mind, he’d tell us to do it if he were here” when she used his card to buy us lunch etc (yeah he probably would have but that isnt the point)

getting angry if i ever discussed our relationship with anyone else, saying it was none of their business/i was trying to make her look like a cunt; telling me not to tell anyone after she did horrible things

promising things about the future and then never delivering any of it

saying that she wouldnt be the one carrying our children, trying to tell me that getting sperm from facebook was safe and generally treating me like a walking uterus

ending lies/false promises with “you know i will/do/am” to try and enforce to me that she was telling the truth

telling me to cancel holidays id paid for/not come over/generally throwing her toys out of the pram when she couldnt get her own way

forcing me to watch murder documentaries, usually about women being murdered by their partners, and getting way too in to it in a way that was a bit creepy

telling me my menstrual cup was disgusting and trying to force me to use tampons instead

making a big fuss about how she used to ~be an alcoholic~ and that she cant drink because it makes her a nasty person, and then buying a load of beer and vodka when the relationship wasnt going well and saying shed fallen off of the wagon because of me

constantly telling me i had BO to the point i was really paranoid (nobody else has ever said anything about it)

bullying me into letting her smoke in my room

throwing her rubbish on to my floor constantly because she was too lazy to pick it up, so i had to

constantly talking about how against domestic violence she was, saying she'd never hit a woman and how she had been a victim of it to make me think what she was doing wasnt abuse

doing small things for me that I found difficult because of my mental health (e. g phone calls) and then holding it over my head

telling me that i was incapable of love, and that the only person i loved was myself because of how selfish i am

deliberately killing two bees that I was enjoying watching by stomping them into the pavement then laughing at me when I was upset about it