#now i just need a good distraction
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Today has been such an unpleasant rollercoaster of emotions, culminating in freakin myself out by not recognizing the mysterious thumping sound as my own heartbeat going ballistic in my ears.
On the plus side I folded all of my laundry in record time during one of my high points, dinner on the other hand was....... Stressful... I'm usually much better at tuning things out or "disassociate™" but I was very much present tonight.
#sorry i just need to vent somewhere#i have 1 sore subject#and if anyone even come close to it i just go into hyper mode#the sleep deprivation is probably not helping#i put a bow on today#so ending on a positive note#now i just need a good distraction#but i don't think i have the brain cells for a hefty fanfic#if anything i feel this odd pressure behind my forehead#i was so happy and content this morning guys#like hallmark movie levels of happiness#i even indulged in doddles#maybe some DST might help me out a bit#killing some pirates and taking their treasure might put me in a great mood#or maybe i should sleep
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Erik when Charles showed him the brightest corner of his memory system and telling him there’s good in him:
#i think charles was one of or even the only person erik felt comfortable being vulnerable with#he’s gonna be tucking his hair behind his ear like radio rebel#damn i really need this scene but moira never interrupted#we could have had cherik kiss in 4k 😭😭#‘theres so much more to you than you know not just pain and anger there’s good too i felt it’#going crazy about these gay people#trying to distract mysekf from the sadness that is looming over me right now 😥#cherik#charles xavier#erik lehnsherr#x men#professor x#magneto#wish does not shut up
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I think Astrid Hofferson has a bad case of the 'my childhood was wasted, I grew up too fast for something ultimately proven pointless.' Syndrome and that she deserves to get to do silly things she missed out on and take up new hobbies, even if she's not particularly good at them–it's purely for the experience yknow, and learn to finally breathe no longer needing to be on constant high alert and get to be truly happy
#astrid hofferson#big hc is hiccup teaching astrid to sew (shes not very good at it or patient enough to be#but still appreciates it) since she never had the chance to learn growing up#i think hiccup would have astrid try a ton of different things to find what she likes (it ends up being art. SHE CAN CANONICALLY DRAW#AND WELL.) bc he knows a bunch of random shit from how much time he spent holed up in his house#during raids and stuff. he had to entertain himself somehow. and he ends up spending time with astrid doing things that would've previously#been considered pointless back when it was constant survival mode but now they finally have time to just. Be. and are making the most of it#maybe it starts bc without the constant threat of raids looming over them it feels like they have nothing to do (despite all the work that#goes into helping the dragons acclimate) somehow not needing to be on constant high alert makes astrid antsy and she needs a#distraction other than training until she cant feel her arms anymore (unhealthy coping mechanisms abound)#trans astrid hofferson#<- RELEVANT.#httyd headcanon#httyd#moth.txt#deyas dragons
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🫶🏼😛🖤
#it’s loving myself hours#Got pretty to distract myself from my back pain it kinda worked lol#hope you’re all having a good day/night/whatever time it is for you#I finally got a good black lipstick (not Halloween makeup type shit) and I’m obsessed#now I just need someone to leave black lip prints all over bahahah#me#mine#selfie#selfies#my face#feeling myself#feeling pretty#personal#pnw
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fwee top 5 things i had fun with this year :-)
#*begins talking to myself in my tags like a freak*#since reikoumi retired i have thought about zuka less than ever before in my zuka-knowing life. i used to think about REAL women EVERY day#i miss being in love with reiko. being loopy about a REAL person......damn...what was that even like...so distant (happy birthday to her)#my zuka obsession wanes & waxes through the years. it's fine. peaks were 2014 (first saw it live) 2019 (lived there) 2022 (reikoumi reign)#fields of mistria is really cute and fun....i love it a lot more than stardew. i love my crush....i love baking..feeding my golden rabbits.#i've played it for like 70 hours and it's not even out of early access....PLEASE UPDATE IT!!! I NEED MORE FISH TO CATCH! NOW!#edgeworth game was lovely. i actually was thinking of narumitsu as much as orufrey for a while. Whoa. but i never drew those ideas...#VEILGUARD....WAS STUPID FUN FOR ME. my personal and romantic little adventure :)#falling in love in a game isnt the same as when you already know you'll love a character. it's UNEXPECTED. keeps you young.#orufrey.........ya know the deal. They are my life.#the only thing that distracts me seriously from orufrey is when i think not of their love but MY love.....in video games.#runners up were dragon age 2 where i also fell in love. i immediately spat out so much art about da2 and veilguard LOL#i discovered various media that wasnt included here too..read some good manga..etc#i made several personal comics this year (the wha oc one and the Wolf one) and a lot of.. semi-personal art like my veilguard oc#i'm slowly learning to express myself artistically in ways that arent orufrey...... next year..i want to achieve various things....#i don't know what i can really manage any more. but i'll try a bit harder. just in CASE life can still be good..#OH AND I DID BG3 HONOUR MODE...bg3 was a 2023 thing but the first half of this year i was also just soulfully playing bg3. saved me#the second half of the year was actually better even though i got sick. Weird. anywayyyy *ceases talking to myself*#i pray for health and safety and peace for everyone and for my dreams to come true.
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i’m absolutely fucked,,
#PLEASE feel free to ignore this im just mad and need to vent#went to the dentist and i need a root canal and it’s gonna cost me £1300#im fucking cooked#that’s like#majority of my available savings#the rest are in a lisa i can’t move money from for my house fund#i’m so fucking frustrated i want to cry#i take such fucking good care of my teeth too#it’s in a back tooth that i apparently have a filling in???? a filling from when i was like 8 that i thought was in my baby teeth#and like they’ve only just caught it now#i’m going to be so skint#so yeah rip to me and being able to do ANYTHING next year 🙃🙃🙃 like at christmas too this couldn’t have been a worse time#stelle yaps#if i’m not active today it’s bc ill be trying to distract myself
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i finished this in the last 20 minutes of lesbian visibility week after not drawing at all LETS GO
#lila art#genshin#genshin impact#genshin fanart#arlecchino#arlecchino genshin#navia#navia genshin#arlevia#navicchino#i dont think thats a ship name that anyone uses but im tagging it just in case#arlecchino x navia#this took me SO FUCKING LONG you would not believe#to be fair it was because i kept getting distracted by youtube or twitter or the thoughts inside my head#but STILL#i am very proud of this though this is one of like. two kisses ive ever drawn that look Good and the other one i didn't finish lmao#i was kind of impartial to arlevia until like. Yesterday#and now they are very important to me#arlecchino has a big polycule full of all his lesbian girlfriends and one bisexual woman (clorinde)#im also lowk obsessed with drawing sideprofiles because i am fascinated with drawing different noses#and giving characters different nose and face shapes#it is so beautiful how humans are so diverse in even the shapes that our bodies make#i went on a rant with my friend about this a few weeks ago#ANYWAY i was going to say this earlier but i forgot#i am Sorry for those two panels being so rushed and bullshitted#i had been working on this for like 8 hours and i wanted to be done SO BAD#but i needed to finish before lesbian visibility week ended!!!!#ok going to farm for father before i pass out good bye
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dp fanfic ideas are getting to me again goddammit
#so like a typical giw facilities type thing with enclourses and all#but the ghosts keep escaping and so they commission the dr. fentons to make a weapon that calms ghosts#like an anathesia#BUT its the fentons so it doesnt work that way it actually just switches the fear of the ghost into what it wants. desires (NOT OBSESSION)#but what is the fear of the ghost in the moment? being stuck with the giw. so they calm down and let the giw take them and keep them#<- which makes it LOOK like its behaving as it should#so they use it more and more and the giw mass ghost kidnappings are becoming widespread- now successful#so set the scene. phantom teams up with some rouges and co to break some ghosties out#it works but the giw are hot on their trail and phantom-being a fenton-sacerfices himself for the team and is used as a distraction#(so the others get away)#BUT he doesnt fear being taken by them. fuckin hero complex kicking in and all#which means that when they use the gun. he isnt complict. at all#because whats his greatest fear? becoming a monster. and so. it flips. to what he wants.#and uhm. the giw arent there anymore#BUT as said before his obsession wasnt overidden so he cant hurt civilians and stuff#(his core rationalized the giw being a threat to peace and others safety so it uh. made an exception.)#but while he was taking them down he got shot again by the weapon. (a fruitless attempt really)#and uh. is being a monster is his (former) worst fear. pray tell what is the runner up to that?#people thinking hes a monster.#and yknow. he may not be able to harm innocents and good people#but he CAN pretend. really fucking well#and uh. yeah :) thats all i got and also some reactions by team phantom on it#<- some of the escapees and the rescuer ghosts saw the start of what happened to phantom while they ran#and considering the fact that they havent seen danny in a week? kinda concerning#(he swears he isnt avoiding them he just needs the time to set up he SWEARS-) meanwhile. hes lying to himself#someones priorities and mentalities switching doesnt necessarily change their morals or tolerances. just saying :)#yeah okay thats all i ACTUALLY got#really busy and will be busy and very tired rn so nothing may come of this#fanfictionfuckeries#<- starting a tag for this typa shit? more likely than ya think :)
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thinking about when guts sent a bunch of his men directly into zodd's meat grinder without even knowing demons like him existed. and that moment after the fight where casca runs to griffith unconscious on the floor and tells guts it's all his fault. and the time gambino tells him he's bad luck and should have died instead. and about how he tells griffith he cares about his men, and how casca doesn't seem to see it. and the time guts is thinking about casca telling him it's all his fault (after he got griffith hurt) and then griffith comes to him and says (like it's nothing) do i need to give a reason every time i come to save you? or whatever. like he's worth it. like he's worth dying for, and like it can be a choice people make because they value you. like he's a good luck charm, like griffith needs him to reach his goals, his full potential. like griffith is not enough to make it without him. like griffith finds out when guts leaves. fuckin.g gnawing someone else's legs off because i still need mine to run into traffic
#so guess who's rewatching berserk 1997 lol#berserk#i hate griffith i hate him i hate him he's bad i hate him (<- deeply tragically attached to him. im so not normal about him it's fucked)#aghhh can't wait until break so i can read more. i've ended up just consuming the golden age arc over and over for various reasons#and it's so good it fucking rules i just need to keep reading past that too bc that's Also good#and i have! i just have more to read oh hey it's midnight my paper's due haha#(it's fine it doesn't matter genuinely i will be fine)#anyway my older sibling's been buying those bigass tomes they sell and he got a bunch more a while back so like. more to read more to read#also side note but they smell so fucking good it's actually unfair#but anyway i keep on being like nooo i gotta go start over so i can get the momentum and then i get brainstuck/distracted and don't actuall#get very far past the lost children subarc (which i've read i think 1.5 times now)#ANYWYA. berserk good. no i don't ever make content for it but every like 4 months or so it infects me quietly
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I am not immune to the charms of beaten, bedraggled, post-pyrrhic-victory gunfighter-turned-preacher-turned-sheriff Cort
#i mean come on#that is a face sculpted in heaven#and he just somehow wears bruises and cuts like some people wear makeup#it only ✨enhances✨#and the fact that this is the last shot of cort’s face#he feels like he’s lost his faith and fallen back to what he was#but ellen gives him this special hope#like even though he’s killed again and given into his rage#he did it to kill a genuinely evil man and free a town from fear and corruption#AND NOW#he has a chance to do some good again#i don’t think cort could ever go back to being a preacher after this movie#but being a sheriff can give him the same feeling of helping and protecting people#while still using his natural skills as a gunfighter!#i just finished the novelization and am not at all thrilled about how jack curtis concluded cort’s characterization#so i’m thrilled that the movie did so well with him#but let’s not get distracted from the main point here which is WOWZA#the hair is just begging for me to run my fingers through it#and his neck? BEGGING to get kissed#i have the insatiable urge to just lay him down and take care of every injury he has#i would be so good to this man y’all have no idea#i’ve honestly been in such a cort mood#i need some of that repressed passion in my life. and also my bed#*quick cut to me and cort coaxing some hallelujahs of a different kind out of each other*#that single lock of hair that blows across his face is my whole personality at this point#the things i’d do to him and let him do to me. cannot and should not be uttered#the second picture I SWEAR just marry me cort#russell crowe#the quick and the dead#cort
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somebody rec me some good books. and they do actually have to be good. don’t rec me something just because it’s gay or it’s popular, it has to also still be good. like both the story and the writing have to be good none of this good concept bad writing or good writing horrible story. fantasy or soft scifi preferred, especially if it’s nontraditional fantasy. I am bored and sick of the internet and I want to get back into reading more but I’m kinda meh about most of what’s on my shelf
*edit: when I say “soft scifi” I don’t mean cozy I mean not hard scifi, as in stories that are more fantastical than grounded in hard science. for example the Martian is considered hard scifi, so not that. Star Wars would be closer to a soft scifi bc it’s all bullshit on the science end and it’s more about the vibes
#I started the jasmine throne and that was good but then I noticed a somewhat repetitive quirk of the writing style#and once I noticed it I couldn’t STOP noticing it which was extremely distracting and made it hard to pay attention to the story#the problem with books is I am sooooo hypercritical and so many ppl are bad writers and get published anyway#and booktok can’t tell the difference so these shitty books become bestsellers just bc they’re gay and tropey#not that jasmine throne is bad writing. it’s ok writing I just can’t stop noticing they overuse one particular sentence structure#and now it’s driving me crazy#but there are plenty of other bestselling books that ARE legitimately bad writing#I’m reading a psalm for the wild built rn and that is genuinely really good and next is the second book#but I’m almost done with the first one and both are like. really short. so I need something for when I finish those#(carefully does not look at the stack of comics I bought at SPX that I haven’t read yet)
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it was once observed by a dear friend that the hours in which i am most alert are like 7pm to 2am which probably explains a lot about how my posts get worse throughout the evening. but also sometimes i look at today where i was just sort of gnawing the couch all day until about 5pm when i wrote an entire fic in two hours and then another entire post about kaapo which to be clear took another two hours bc i had to chase links and explain my passions in a kind way and this was in addition to a church meeting. i would excel as the person who lights and then extinguishes lamps in the night
#this morning my therapist was like your eyes are red what's going on#and i said bro i am not on drugs. it is cold and dry in my apartment and i was standing in front of a sad lamp#and they said ah. a sun lamp. i see#YES. BC I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON AND I AM BEING PUNISHED BY CAPITALISM TO GO TO THERAPY AT 10 IN THE MORNING#INSTEAD OF 6PM WHEN I WOULD BE ABLE TO HOLD A CONVERSATION BETTER#i think they think i am abusing substances. human the reason i am the way i am bc i am not abusing substances#i am rawdogging reality in almost every way and i HATE it. i am experiencing a full of range of emotions in real life!!#one good thing about today i must say. i looked in the mirror and went oh wow my california hair stylist did a good job!#my california hair stylist was good at cutting my hair in that she was filipina and understood how to cut filipino hair#she was not good at cutting my hair in that she would get too deep in explaining warriors drama and get distracted while cutting my hair#and up doing something absolutely wacko that made me look like a pepe frog guy bc she was too amped up about klay and steph#and then i'd be stuck with fucking alt right hair for a good three weeks and my only saving grace is how i look ambiguously ethnic#BUT when i saw her last i was like i need you to give me a haircut where if i can't get my hair cut for four months i don't#look stupid as hell. and she said oh yeah i can do that. and gave me a blow by blow of klay and steph's divorce while cutting my hair#and i was fearing for my life. but now that it has grown out pretty significantly i will say she did a very good job of cutting it#unlike every other time i grew out my hair in a big way and it looked incredibly stupid for several months until it evened out#but she cut it so it looks like my hair is on purpose. which i appreciate!#now i have more time to decide if i want to avenge bo bichette and grow out my hair again#without feeling stressed about looking incredible stupid and unkempt#thank you nicole...a true ally...i will never forget how much you hate kevin durant even though you stressed me out so bad...#and you may be wondering why if she gave me that many bad hair cuts why i'd keep going to her#and the answer is: bc i only want my warriors and 49ers news to be reported by an energetic filipina lesbian holding razor on my neck#and unfortunately the local newspaper beats just can't replicate that experience#fresno oilers.txt
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adhd advice will be like people with adhd struggle to get their thoughts organised. also to get diagnosed you need to get your thoughts on why you have adhd organised in advance in order to convince the doctor you have it
#sorry for the vent incoming but#both my sister (who is diagnosed with adhd and autism) and my mother have been saying they think i might be adhd for like a year now#and like thatd be cool bc adhd can be medicated right? so maybe i can get help with my disaster life after all#except the problem is every time i think about the task of calling the doctor i get overwhelmed and cant#unfortunately asking my family for a list of why they think i'm adhd is not helpful bc theyre always like#“idk just whenever we talk about [sister]'s adhd i think how it sounds like we're describing you” & then none of them can give me an exampl#all ive come up with myself if when i was a kid i remember i was either quiet or so chatty that i forget the other person needs to speak#or like i'd try to join in a conversation and many times people would say like 'thats not really related to what we're talking about'#i no longer and super chatty bc i learned fo shut the fuck up pretty quick or you get made fun of but yeah.#i also forget things but i'm also very good at writing them down bc i know i'll forget and make people annoyed if i dont#so like idk if that counts like i feel like in my life ive been forced to learn how to cope and fit in so its like#is it adhd and i'm masking or is it not#like this is always the problem when i seek professional help they find out i can do hard stuff and they say you seem like you're okay#but like. hard stuff i can do is still hard. is everything supposed to feel this hard then? i hope not#vent#anyway other points are my thoughts keep me awake at night (its like loud jumbled thoughts of tv quotes and music and conversations ive had#and also obviously i struggle to make appointments. and i get distracted when i'm doing something boring even if i remove distractions#from my sight bc if i have no distractions i just start daydreaming. is this anything#this post itself is distracting me from work#i also connot make connections with 99% of people i meet socialising is so hard for me#maybe i should just send this tumblr vent to my doctor and see if it gets me a referral would that work
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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no one:
me: haha alright another one
#yes babe. make him grovel.#this is basically done btw it just needs some tweaks#but im crazy busy so i'll post it next week. or weekend idk.#unless i post it sooner but in that case i fucked up#bc this is really NOT what i should be doing right now#i also dont know if its any good but idc it was fun to write#mainly because it distracted me from The Horrors#merlin fanfiction#merwaine#*
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I have finally FINALLY got up to the dream scene at the start of the last mabelcorn in kmky and everything is flowing nicely finally, and the scenes and characterisation all are smooth and make sense and I am no longer going over the same establishing scenes like a pedant trying to make them perfect. SUCCESS!
Just have to knock out these next few bits then it's onto unicorn beatdowns, funny hats, pizza parties and loophole heists!
#i am so relieved#i feel a lot happier writing now that im happy with those establishing scenes#they didnt pan out how i originally planned but i think theyre better for it#i kept wanting to make bill and py fight but thats just not what they want to do#and das flavor pups have downgraded themselves from terrifying imposition to mild annoyance with potential for drama down the line#but these things will make everything else make better sense so i dont mind the bits i scrapped#now im cackling to myself writing out the dream scene and yes it will diverge slightly from how it panned out in the show!#because why the hell not#i also have been inundated with ideas for a sequel so im steadily noting down dialogue lines and ideas i want to see#and hopefully i stay on task and don't get too distracted by sequel daydreams#it'll be good tho when it gets there i promise you that#a true healing narrative that doesnt rely on punitive justice and creates a positive outcome without repeating codependant patterns#that we see so often in billford#yes love redeems but love for yourself is important in redeption arcs too and knowing that you can make something good with your own hands#is just the game changer i want to bring to the billford fandom#but anyway thats for later for now im back in action and hopefully on track for finishing the chapter by the end of the month#fingers crossed buds#I'm doing my best so all the folks needing a pick me up after world events get something fun to look forward to#kmky#knowing me knowing you
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