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it's been ten years. ONLY ten years
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while i know wwx somehow managed to invent being a passenger princess in a society without cars, i do think in a modern au he would have the most rundown car in existence. it's older than he is. he has to smack it multiple times to get the a/c to work. he lost one of the side mirrors and it was too expensive to track down a replacement so he just duct taped a hand mirror to the side of the car. the drain pipe scrapes against the ground when he goes over bumps. he has definitely lived in it at some point. it is, of course, named suibian
#mdzs#he is over six feet tall and the car is a narrow little two door thing#so when he was sleeping in the back of it he was definitely having to twist into a pretzel#he had to buy it himself when he was like nineteen because the jiangs wouldn't buy him one#yanli has a very sensible mom van#jiang cheng has a motorcycle and he would be so fucking cool if not for his whole everything#lwj has a car that's simultaneously very practical and absurdly expensive#he keeps it very clean#there is a whole year's worth of fast food wrappers in wwx's car#meanwhile lwj's car is so immaculate it could be brand new#until of course wwx begins bumming rides off of him#and he's like lan zhan! you don't even have a pile of napkins in the glove compartment! what if you need a tissue!#and begins leaving evidence of himself everywhere#his favorite tube of chapstick is in the door pocket#his car doesn't have an aux port but lwj's does so he leaves an aux cable in his car#they go on a roadtrip and he throws a blanket in the backseat and then it just lives there forever now#at some point it ends up perfectly folded but still there whenever wwx gets cold#i don't know anything about car types or brands#but i do know car Vibes and what it says about someone's personality lmao
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A great way to end my night, with my physical violent neighbor drunkenly trying to get break into my apartment and smashing my window when I told him to get the fuck out
#now I have to clean broken glass off everything in my living room#and figure out how to cover the window since it’s fucking cold and raining right now#and it’s 4 am so I can’t exactly run a vacuum to get the glass out of the rug#and it’s my stepdads birthday so my family parents are out of town and I’m scared to go to sleep bc idk if he’s still out there#or if his girlfriend is going to show up pissed#also I’m definitely having a panic attack rn#myposts
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#hey like. not to be really annoying i shouldn't be doing this aged 32 but i'm really struggling#every time the weather gets cold i feel like i am entering winter with more and more despair#i am really struggling this time#every day is a struggle to get through#i'm losing my hair#i'm losing my reasons to live#i keep putting on a full face of makeup and clothes in my room at like 2am just to desperately try to feel human#i keep saying i don't know if I'll survive the winter and people keep laughing but I don't mean it as a joke#i'm sadder than i've ever been and everything feels like it's falling apart#whenever i get the chance to confide this in people i get told that i'm strong and i'm a survivor#and that i should do some shit to make me happy#and yea i can stave it all off for a few minutes with like a trip out or some makeup or something but it all feels like bandaids#for a serious wound that's going to go septic soon#like this isn't a way to live a life#i don't want to 'be strong' or a 'survivor' anymore i want to be fucking happy#i'm tired and promises of brief happiness between ever worsening pain feel almost patronizing at this point#i woke up the other day in the middle of the night and as soon as conscious thoughts hit my brain i almost doubled over#if i had been not on the first floor i think i might have jumped then and there#i want to be loved and feel like my love is worth something#i want a clean apartment of my own and a career that doesn't feel like it's designed to kill me#i'm 32 and still essentially feel like i'm living my life like a teenager#i want sun and suncatchers and healthy plants and a wardrobe that fits my clothes#and i want the will to actually get up in the morning#i endured all of this for so long on a delusional belief that things were going to magically get better#but i realize now they won't#i became aware of the bounds of my cage with no means of escaping them#i'm sick of living each day oscillating between numbness and grief i can barely eat i can barely work i can barely laugh#and no one's coming to save me#i'm agonized by the idea that this is maybe what life always is for everybody#is this how it's supposed to be
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stayed up late to play splatoon with my little sister who's on a horrible sleeping schedule rn and when I went to lay down in bed my joint pain and finger mobility suddenly felt so weird I couldn't control my hand (real) and I had a panic attack instantly thinking I wss having a stroke (not real) 😑 90% of the panic attacks I've had this year happened like as soon as I laid down to go to sleep. don't even know how to prevent it other then literally don't stop sleeping and napping in case you accidentally go over 12 hours of being awake and start to decline mentally. lying on back is the worst for anxiety even on a good day I can't stay like that without getting anxious for no reason and lying on my stomach is my preferred position but I can feel my heartbeat too much like that T_T and side isn't good either because I always have to switch and then I get scared.. not to mention how one side is going to feel uneven and make me think it's finally happening...
#the worst is that i know something is genuinely wrong and it makes everything im worried about more likely#when i worked as a dishwasher/general cleaning whatever i would walk for like 8 hours per shift 3 times a week#but every night i would come home feverish and it would last until days later when i was supposed to be in class#snd it didnt end for months even when i got used to it i kept getting so cold and feverish and constantly in pain and asleep i missed class#and a specific type of pain always comes with the fevers whuch is low back pain which when i first got it i was 18#and it made me collapse suddenly while walking down the stairs out of nowhere#thats when my hands started getting tremors and started having issues moving fingers right they lock and dont listen#and now im realizing the shape of my hands is so different now my fingers are so crooked and one finger has an obvious nodule on the joint#i thought it would get better because i thought antipsychotics caused my hand issues#but it just keeps getting worse and if it's like this now what will ot be like when im older#i know im b12 deficient i was hoping i couls solve that and not be in pain and tired but i think that's just a resultand not the cause#im in pain now too my body just hurts it was gone for a while but lately it's one of the worst and i didnt even do anything this time
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When the joint pain so bad you can't even hold your phone for too long
#shott meee pleaseeeee im so done#granted was my fault#been having bad pain flair up last few days because it got cold really suddenly and my body seemed to freak out#but woke up today and like ocd brain couldnt stand the state of my apartment and kept breaking down over bits#and in turn making me clean it#so i did too much and now im having a major fatigue crash and pain every aha#i hate my body#im tired everythings too hard not sure how imma get food later and I just want someone to hug mw#dont wanna be alone#man my wheat pack died on me too so i csnt even get that pain releif although wouldn't be able to get up and make it anyway#i an in hell this is hell#AceofDragons#vent#actually disabled#heds#chronic pain
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also i think i am having a bad allergic reaction to the mold in my office. there’s mold in my office btw
#their solution was to clean the carpets and talking about hiring pros to come in and clean the walls#then sending out an email about how taking everything off the walls would too hard.#but there’s lysol wipes in the hall if you’d like to clean them yourself#anyways i started getting a really bad cough and a little congestion last week.#also had a covid exposure at the office so i was freaking + testing like crazy bc i was getting respiratory symptoms + mildly elevated temp#all negative‚ requested an extra remote day just to be safe. cough went away and i felt much better after a few days. figured it was a cold.#worked my first full day in the office again today and the cough is mysteriously back and worse.#now i’m no doctor house but —#ig my next move is getting tested for mold allergy?#and if i have to submit an ada request to have Working In A Place With No Mold be granted as a reasonable accommodation.#that will legitimately be the funniest thing ive ever done.#there is everyone’s too much personal detail liz update of the day We Live in A Society
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#i am slowly trying to reach some kind of balance for being an adult#its just taking so long#even now i just realised i need a lot more sweaters after i moved countries cause its so cold here#and i only now bought some binders cause i still dont have every i need#and i need gloves cause its freezing and thick socks#but i dont have enough money to buy it all at once#im also trying to sort out my home in a way i can try to keep it clean#but im also in a HEAVY burn out and im only doing tiny steps or none#cause sometimes i only have enough spoons to clean just to decent level after a week#i cant wait till i have all of the basic stuff i need#and have everything set up#im also getting sick#so im trying to avoid that and rest as much as i can#at least i can grab a nice sandwich to have after my shift and a pastry for later too#so that saves me some money and some cooking#also the customers tip so well i can buy myself a little treat every week or every few days#i bought a book today from tips ❤#personal
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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead
#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there#There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol#I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami#If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out#And everything it implies#Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it#with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime#being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before#I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling#of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time#They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people#You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them#I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher#They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed#Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l#Now they're sick and have lost their hair#Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead#I don't know. That kind of stuff#Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body#Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead#He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude#He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them#We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long#He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back#He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry
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sometimes the world is a little mean to me
#marzi speaks#i put vaseline in my nose at night to help it heal from the time i got a really rough sinus cold in may#doctor’s orders n everything- helps prevent irritation and encourages blood clotting#well ! i was doing just that. taking extra care to really apply it in my left nostril#since it’s in rougher shape than the right#(which is basically all healed up)#well. i apparently took too much effort. and felt something pop in my nose. and then felt blood drip from my nose#i accidentally popped off the scab with my q tip :]#so. after scrambing for smth to shove up my nose and getting a Shocking amount of blood on my hand in the process#(it was a juicy one)#i spent forever with my back slouched cleaning up the blood and waiting for it to stop#it did. thankfully#but now my back hurts and that’s annoying
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man i always forget how good it is to have clean hair again
#i went without washing it for too long#BUT it was longer than i intended due to us forgetting to run the shower/bath taps#and them freezing#it has JUST been the shower and bath taps we have water and stuff in everything else#its just. too cold to shower so everyone forgot#anyway i washed my hair in the sink cause i was feeling Extra Bad about it but now i feel much better#hopefully the shower will unfreeze soon so i can do a regular shower too but even just clean hair is better
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Guess who almost fainted at a party tonight and spent the rest of it sitting on the floor with bowls of snacks
#i uh. may be a bit too stressed.#i haven't been eating and sleeping all that well#my neck/shoulders keep hurting#for the past week or so i've been having headaches and waves of nausea#it's almost as if my body is sending me signals or something 🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔#(i promise i'm working on it and trying to force myself to eat more than 2 very flimsy meals in a day)#(i also promise that i'm keeping an eye on things and will call the doctor if things don't improve)#(but i have genuinely been insanely stressed#what with my dad being gone and this being the first holidays/birthday/etc without him#i caught yet another cold which means i can't see my mum again#i wanted to do a lot of cleaning but i just. can't. although i do try#i've been really stressed about finding a name for my exhibit#and also the general everything of it#idk i keep trying to do fun things and relax and get out of the house#because i know i'm really severely depressed atm#but it takes so much energy and i'm not eating enough for it really#idk everything's so hard right now#i just want to curl up and cry and sleep for the next year or so but i can't)
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things neurotypicals don't get is that I purposfully make my spaces so messy that one day I'll sit down to work and clean everything at once bc I'm annoyed
#like it needs to hit such a level off messy that I cant just push it to the side#anyway this was me like 5 secs ago#my breakfast is cold now#kyle.txt#thats the weirdest part. how like#needed it is ill blank out. clean everything and then im like 'oh ye cool'
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love this cycle of does my roommate hate me nah we're okay does my roommate hate me nah we're okay does my roommate hate me nah we're okay its so funny i am having so much fun
#just kidding i hate it i want to have a normal brain and not constantly worry abt whether people hate me#i think shes mad at me though i just dont know why. they're just being very cold and like. biting#just. i try to do so much (<- set up the entire kitchen. clean all the time cause they're not the most hygienic which i get but its tiring)#and still the littlest things i do wrong feel so so big#but i refuse to tell her whenever something bothers me#the furthest i got was telling them it bugged me a little when they asked me to change our new cat's name for their boyfriend. which like#yeah my people pleaser side is like of course ill do anything but the precedent set by everything just revolving around emotionally#accomodating her boyfriend. who's my friend too but now i just feel like we're on opposite sides all the time#idk man its weird. im gonna try and make it better#sol.txt
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GOD I'd rather clean the bathrooms than write this fucking thing
#blah blah blah#thesisposting#i need something but i dont know what#im feeling deeply mentally ill but i HAVE to turn this in tomorrow night#it is so beautiful out today and i dont get enough fresh air or sunlight at work#i mean it is too cold for me to want to go outside ayway but i dread looking at my computer in the kitchen#i need something! but i dont know what!#i misplaced a check i need to deposit and i need to get a new checkbook for myself and i need to put away laundry and put clean sheets on#and i need to vacuum my rug and clear surfaces in my room and learn how to recycle or upcycle EVERYTHING in the world right now immediately#i want to do crafts!!!!!!!! but im missing some tools and also my motivation#inserts picture of standing in the middle of your room like this [frazzled looking person in fight or flight but acrually freeze stance]#you know the one#hhh. okay gonna put on socks and go to my mommy's house bc thats the Only place i seem able to write#i also need a new water bottle and stuff. i need to hydrate and feed myself better djfjskdjfkddk#being a person is hard!!#brain soup on main sorry but also not sorry this is My blog i do what i want
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URGENT!!!Help Abdul Salam Al-Anqar and his family get through this war in Gaza!!!
(URGENT) THEY ARE AT €3,445 OUT OF €50,000 GOAL
I was asked by @nader5555 to make this, if u cannot donate please please share this post. Copy pasted from a message i was sent:
"Only a Few Hours Left Before We Enter Our First Year of War, Genocide, Starvation, and Displacement A Final Plea from the Heart of Hell: Save Us Before Hope Dies 💔🔥 I am Abdel Salam, and I have nothing left but words written by a trembling hand ✍️. The war has not only destroyed our lives; it has taken everything from us. Our home, which was once our refuge, is now a pile of rubble 🏚️.
My car, my only source of livelihood, was destroyed in a sudden strike 🚗, and the work that sustained us is now a distant memory 💼. Today, I live in an endless nightmare. Under a sun that burns everything in its path 🌞🔥, my family and I sit in a worn-out tent, a tent that shields us neither from the summer heat nor the winter cold ❄️. Insects 🦟 invade the place, diseases consume our bodies 🩺, and my younger siblings cry from hunger and thirst 🍞💧. We have no clean water or a crumb of bread to ease our hunger. Each passing day deepens the weight of this hell we live in.
My Daughter Eman is Dying from Malnutrition 😨 My daughter Eman suffers from malnutrition; I have nothing to feed or treat her with. The deterioration of her health is killing me slowly. Every glance in her eyes, every pain she endures, crushes my heart 💔. How can I explain to her that what was once our hope has now turned into nothing but a mirage? The Night Only Adds to Our Pain 🌙 The night does not bring us rest; it only adds to our pain. We sleep on hard ground, feeling the cold in every bone of our bodies 🥶, with nothing but pieces of cardboard 📦 to cover us. My wife Aya cries in silence 🥺 as she watches our daughter’s future fade before her eyes. My mother Eman suffers from illness and needs urgent medical care 🩺💊.
My Father Ahmed is Sick with Cancer and Needs Emergency Treatment My father Ahmed, who is sick with cancer, needs emergency treatment outside Gaza, and the cost of his treatment is at least $10,000, not including accommodation. As he suffers from severe pain, I cannot provide the treatment he needs due to our dire situation.
My Siblings Are in Constant Suffering ⚰️ My brother Omar was unable to continue his studies due to the situation. My brother Nader could not take his high school exams, and my younger brother Mohammad suffers from brittle bones and needs treatment we cannot afford. Every day we live brings us one step closer to the end. Death surrounds us from every side: if not from hunger 🍽️, then from illness 🦠. And if not from illness, then from the despair that devours our souls. Where is Humanity? Where is the World? 🌍💔 We want to leave the devastated Gaza Strip to escape the machinery of destruction and killing and the severity of hunger and poverty. The cost of travel for each person is $5,000, and we are a family of seven members, bringing the total cost to $35,000.
Where are the compassionate hearts? Are you waiting for us to disappear into the depths of this suffering? Are you waiting until death takes us before you act? We are drowning, and we don’t have enough strength to scream for help 🆘. Will you let this cry go unanswered? 😭 Your donation today is our last thread of hope. With the little support I received, I was able to buy a simple phone 📱 to reach out to you. But the bitter truth is that what I and my family need is much greater. We are not asking for much; just enough to save our lives from this hell 🔥. Every donation, no matter how small, could be the difference between life and death for us 👐. Don’t Let Us Disappear in the Darkness of Suffering 🌑 Don’t let our story end here. Be the light that guides us to salvation 🕯️✨.
With every tear, with every pain, I write this final plea to you, Abdel Salam."
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#my art#**mine#free palestine#free gaza#gfm#palestine gfm#b00st#help#mutual 4id#donation link#boost#signal boost#art#artists on tumblr#digital artist#digital art#artblr#save palestine#palestine#all eyes on palestine#free plaestine#gaza#from river to sea palestine will be free#artists#please help#important#edit: changing photos per nader5555's request
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