#and i only now bought some binders cause i still dont have every i need

[nauticalfools]

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[hadtochangemyurlquick]

i saw in your bio your pronouns are “she/her probs” if you wouldn’t mind could you elaborate on that? you 100% don’t have to bc at the end of the day it’s none of my business but i’ve been thinking a lot about my own gender identity recently and your pronouns caught my eye

okay so basically, when i was born the doctor wasn’t there, he was helping out the teenage girl next door, and my mom had done it a bunch of times already so it was kinda no big deal? so there was no one there to be like “it’s a girl!” and i’ve been chasing that high ever since.

i was the youngest of too many, growing up on street with only little boys and my parents were never home so we’d basically be out and about until like 11pm trying to decide which god from the greek mythos was our secret parent and never once was i a girl with them we just didn’t have gender it didn’t exist

my two older sisters were extremely close whereas my two older brothers were hated each other and I was close with both of them individually so i never interacted with my sisters bc they were always hanging out together

when i started being a woman in middle school (my mom said I had to :/ ) i didn’t do it right and the first question i got asked was “are you a boy or are you a lesbian?”

i was so obsessed with looking like my older brother i kept my hair super super long and to this day he hasn’t cut it he keeps it in a man bun but i cut mine short directly after high school so i could go to an hwc like the fucking lesbian i am

the first girl i dated had four fingers in total on both her hands, not counting thumbs, and we fell in love play wrestling and like, physically rough housing, like i had with the little boys on my street growing up. she plays the viola to this day i think

when i first saw my now ex-boyfriend my first thought was, he’s either a lesbian or he’s trans, and to this day he’s identified as every label on the lgbtqa spectrum which is funny to me

i like the way i look in a binder but maybe that’s just cause i hate my body and want to punish it?

growing up i played a bunch of sports bc the commutes were the only guaranteed time alone i had with my dad and it was on a softball field in sixth grade that i realized i was a lesbian while looking at the short stop. her sister was a lesbian but the girl i liked was very straight :/

every dress i buy makes me look like an ethereal woodland goddess except for the one i bought that makes me look like a witch, and i look objectively gorgeous in them all except i dont wanna be pretty i want girls to jump out of their boots when they see me so i can catch them in my big strong arms and carry them home

once this kid i had a crush on and i watched the carmilla movie together. they were dating someone and i was pretty sure i was in love with them and when the sex scene came on i did not kiss them which i am both proud of and deeply regret

we also watched the miseducation of cameron post together with similar results

my grandfather carried around a pocket knife around with him everywhere bc he wanted to be useful, i carry around a backpack with a playing deck, a phone charger, a portable charger, a charger for my portable charger, a bar, bandaids, hand sanitizer, pen, pencil, notepad, pencil sharpener, a candle, a flashlight, a compass, matches, a book, lip stuff, pads, tampons, advil, neosporin, and a knife.

my dad has a big leather jacket i steal from him constantly and it’s big and brown and i keep an acorn in the pocket of it like i’m a stardew valley character who might need a nature snack. it’s very good for hiding in and definitely conceals my body

whenever i go shopping with my sisters they always try and dress me up as femininely as possible, despite neither of them being feminine in the slightest. whenever i go shopping with my brother i always empty my wallet. so i dont go shopping.

once i explained this problem to a close friend and he dropped off four shirts and those are pretty much the only thing i wear now. i found one pair of jeans that fit and i just wash those when they get dirty and hope low rise comes back into fashion eventually cause high rise hurts my belly

over time my friend group and family (extended family) has become increasingly trans allowing me to explore my gender for what it is, i don’t feel as though i always need to present anything bc often they’re too tired or in chronic pain to present anything either. in truth, my name is not gus, but it’s one i’m considering going by offline and that a few friends call me. i have warned my fam that i might change my name and pronouns and they were all like :/// okay sweetie, but not they/them okay? the grammar would be a nightmare which like. i’ll take it. they accepted me being a theater kid when i thought i was a theater kid, i’ll give ‘em a break on this one

this snl sketch is a very good thing that was made, my sister is one of those women at the beginning, she’s extremely fashion minded and so smart and aesthetic. the line ‘as a child you were humiliated in a kohls fitting room where your mother said something so harmful it seared off the top layer of your brain”

it was actually my mother’s room where i had been called fat one too many times by my brother and went to her and asked if i was. she said i could stand to lose a few.

my mother really struggled to lose her own baby weight as she had me late in life and with so many kids financial woes didn’t really ease out until i was maybe 7? 8? i didn’t realize at the time but she was looking at her reflection in one of the big mirrors she had in her room and even if she was talking to me she wasn’t talking to me, you know?

my mom did eventually lose the weight and got really in shape, like insanely in shape, she can now outrun god and dead lift satan on the days where her knee isn’t bothering her.

what else what else.

this poem:

“the tomboy grew up and she never went tame and she never found boys or makeup or nothing – nothing wrong with the girls who did but also it’s not inevitable, this progression womanhood rejected you, because where are the grownup tomboys? there’s no room for the rough-and-tumble girls to become rough-and-tumble foulmouthed broad-shouldered women. it’s alright to play at, daughter, they told you, but you have to grow up, and you were confused because you were playing at nothing the tomboy grew up, nonetheless. and instead of wrestling with friends she wrestled with herself for a while. but despite what they said, here she is, still rough, still wild. don’t believe the lies, daughter. grow as you need to. allow yourself to be pruned only to become stronger. grow bold and proud, daughter, like the trees that give you shelter, tomboy, wild girl. love the girls you dream of being strong for and the friends who bear you up when the storms shake your roots. there is value in the crabapple trees, wild daughter, even if the orchard-keeper turns up his nose. know this always, daughter: i love you exactly as you are, and however you need to be” by @sailorshadow

for julia in nebraska by addrienne rich

my friend got me that shirt during quarantine and i got the haircut a few weeks later

on the subject of rita mae brown who wrote ruby fruit jungle, i read the book while overseas in two days, didn’t look up the entire time, and was one of the first gay books i read. one of the things i loved about it was how the speaker was so unapologetically herself. how it ends on a note of bitter strength and triumphant defeat. i reread it while in georgia last year and found i had outgrown it. you might find some comfort in it, idk, just watch out bc there is some terf stuff in it? it aint perfect so just keep an eye out for that, it doesn’t ruin the book i don’t think, there’s other good stuff in it.

here’s some pictures of men:

growing up i was also surrounded by picture books, my grandmother was a children’s book librarian, and here are a couple of important figures:

then how to catch an elephant by amy schwartz but in particular this page:

and i’m sure i’m forgetting things but here’s my gender euphoria playlist:

i’m sure there’s stuff i’m not thinking of but i think that’s the gist of it? if you have any questions feel free to ask

ope! i almost forgot a couple of other important things:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hq27hcPTzDo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ENxbcvUXfnM

hope this helps you on your journey!!!!!!

[aplaceforthesoul]

hi! im having a bit of an identity crisis that’s less of a crisis and more of a state of general wishy-washy-ness

i (currently) identify as a lesbian. i started out as lesbian but i tried out bi and queer when i thought that i was romantically interested in this trans guy i met but as much as i liked him i really didn’t want to do anything that you’d expect of a romantic relationship and i wasn’t a fan of labelling myself as bi or queer either

i just feel most like my true self when i call myself a lesbian

but as much as i’ve come to learn that im not attracted to men, both cis men and trans men, i still notice that i heavily gravitate towards straight trans men, just to like be in their presence

now i cant tell if it’s cause it’s like a birds of a feather situation where i tend to just have a ton in common in terms of understanding being forced to wear dresses as a child while feeling very masculine, or that im just jealous of their masculine fashion sense and general aura, or that im a trans man with fourth dimensional denial or something

now if the fourth dimensional thing is true, i still dont think i’d want to *do* anything in terms of transitioning… like as much as i think it would be really cool to have a smooth chest to walk around shirtless or wear muscle shirts without a bra or just sleep on my stomach without boob pain, i don’t actually want to have top surgery

and it’s not like i have a large chest either, i only wear sports bras and they work about as good as a binder for half the price

but i do have moments where i look in the mirror and dont recognize myself, especially when my hair gets too long

but i also have moments where i look in the mirror where i love how i look, wish to grow my hair out, and question why i don’t wear that dress my mom bought me years ago

i know finding a support group would be best for all this, but most of the members of the lgbt+ friend group that im sort of in with and sort of out of used to tease me heavily for identifying as straight when i did, so i dont trust them with anything that could be perceived as a vulnerability

so sharing my feelings with people that i know in real life who are possibly going through the same stuff im going through that are nice to me (but are very close friends with the people who teased me to tears) is a big no no

talking to my parents is also not an option at this time

i just dont really know what to do, who to ask, or even what to google to find articles written by people with similar experiences

i like being in control of my life and my identity and i feel like my self-perception is melting

please help, or at least point me in a better direction about where to start with all this

I personally think we place far too much stock in labels and pigeonholing ourselves for the sake of ‘having an identity’ and all it does it stress us out further. So I’ve known I’m attracted to more than one gender and have done since high school - but I’ve never been one for labelling it more than “I like who I like”. Also I didn’t really realise that I identify as non-binary until very recently. I’ve just never really bothered with labels - I like what I like, I am who I am. Obviously, if someone has asked me about my sexuality or my gender, I’m kind of forced to label things. But for me personally, I don’t see the need to put a huge sticker on every aspect of myself.

Obviously, some people are like “I’m trans. I’m this/that” and they know exactly who they are and take comfort in having figured themselves out - and power to them! - but I also see life as a journey. And as long as you’re living authentically for yourself in the moment - then that’s all that matters. To me, it sounds like you’re so focussed on figuring it out, you’re just confusing yourself further. Wanting to be around trans men doesn’t make you one yourself - I also would suggest you investigate further why you’re so drawn to them, that perhaps you’re inadvertently (for lack of a better word) fetishising them?

Because perhaps you’re drawn to masculine people/clothing. I don’t mean that in a sexual way but it seems like you’re obsessed with masculine transmen for a reason. Maybe because you’re repressing things from your youth or even the opposite - that you finally get to dress as masculine as you want and you’re drawn to others with the same energy.

My point is, you can get to 31 years old like I did and realise something about yourself that you hadn’t ever really expected. You have time to figure yourself out. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself to be anything specific. Some people don’t transition until later in life, some people don’t realise they feel more comfortable with the non-binary label until they’re in their 30s...your journey is just starting.

But finding a support group and hearing from different people would be a good thing. Look for stuff in your area, there might be people who you haven’t met yet who you can speak to without fear of being judged. You’re not not in control by not having every little thing figured out yet. You have time to figure things out. The more life you experience, the more you actually get to know yourself.

Also there’s more to being trans than styling your hair a specific way or wearing specifically gendered clothes. Gender is so layered and varied and everyone expresses their own gender or even lack of gender, in different ways. I think you need time to get to know yourself better, figure out why this is something that you’re obsessing over and where it’s come from. What is triggering these feelings. I suggest finding a support group and maybe even consider talking to a therapist about these feelings. Best of luck to you!

- Bonnie