#now everyone else has to suffer as well
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Oh no! How? How could you “fix” it and stick to canon story line?
If you’re crying. I know I’m gonna be too!
I'm fuckjng sobbing right now, Tats, it's bad
Major Character Death warning for below the cut
So, I don't know if it's just me but the main reason Soap's death just sucked in like a bad storytelling way is that it felt so anticlimactic? Like, there was a bit of emotion but it was lacking and just felt weird and out of place. And then the scene with his ashes? Just like did he not have family? Was this something after an official funeral for him? That scene also just felt really fucking awkward.
Anyways, yeah I "fixed" those issues. In other words, I'm here with proper storytelling to make it hurt like it was supposed to.
When Ghost and Gaz are coming in, just after the bullet is fired, all Price can hear is the broken, desperate way the lieutenant screams for Johnny. After the bomb is defused, and they're all standing there when the realization hits. Ghost is already on his knees, hands hovering just over the bloody wounds on either side of Soap's head. For a moment, the only sound is the ragged, heavy breathing from Ghost as his whole body trembles.
Price can't even get the words out to update Laswell. Can't force himself to use the proper terms. Just manages to blurt out with a broken cry that "Soap is gone". And those three words are daggers to their hearts. Gaz lets out a small whimper and he turns and looks away because he just can't bear the gruesome sight before him. And Ghost lets out a sound so unlike him, no one really knows what it was. A growl, a whimper, a plea, a confession?
The quiet, mournful whisper of "You're supposed to be with me" doesn't go unnoticed by Price and Gaz.
In the plane, heading back to wherever, Soap's body carefully concealed and hidden away. And Ghost finally speaks. Tells them of a private conversation the pair had before everything kicked off. How Soap told him he'd want a proper funeral, nothing fancy but a send off nonetheless.
Ghost tells them how Soap wanted him, Simon, to go to the spot in the mountains overlooking the water and spread his ashes.
To let him go.
By the time Soap's family is notified and arrangements are being made, Ghost is nowhere to be seen. He's disappeared, vanished like the specter he's rumored to be. And Price is doing his best to assist with the arrangements, doing his best to notify those he'd think deserve to know that John "Soap" MacTavish is gone.
And Gaz is struggling. He feels he's lost two best friends. He feels like he's mourning alone, lost without the lieutenant there.
Lost without Soap and Ghost, Ghost and Soap.
It's the funeral now. Soap's family is a wreck, yet just like him, they're facing the dark with mournful smiles, not letting the darkness of the day chase their light away.
Laswell is the first to approach his parents. She praises their son and how well they raised him; saying he was a good man and a good soldier. Saying he died to save hundreds more. That they should be proud of how selfless and brave a man their boy was.
Price is the second. He apologizes. He never expands on why he's so bloody sorry. He can't. He can't bear to tell them that the bullet should have been for him but Soap took it instead. That Soap sacrificed himself for him. Because Price doesn't believe he deserved to be saved like that.
Gaz is the third. He tells them he'll miss his "brother", that he wishes they were all meeting under better circumstances. The conversation doesn't last long; Gaz walks away before he loses composure.
Alejandro and Rudy are next. Alejandro tells them of how Soap saved his life, how he is eternally grateful for the man. He tells them they should be proud, and yet that it is still okay to mourn the loss of a hero. Rudy prays with Soap's mum.
But the one person to never approach them is Simon Riley. He stands off to the side, looking lost yet emotionless all the same.
Soap's mother asks Price and Gaz something: "What about him?"
Price tries to deflect it, tries to say she shouldn't worry about others, this is her son's funeral after all. But she stops him. She tells him that "while he rarely spoke of you all, he spoke highly still. So I ask you, what about him?" And Price doesn't have an answer.
Gaz tells her "He's dissociating really bad. He's just not coping well at all."
And Price speaks on how special the two were. How they survived some serious shit together, just the two of them. How they were an unstoppable duo, a perfect pair on and off the field. That "wherever Simon went, Johnny followed."
The procession is rough on everyone. Price and his father take the front end of the casket, while Soap's brother and Gaz take the back. And as they walk down the aisle, the reality sets in for everyone there, and there's not a dry eye.
All except for Ghost. Who remains at the side, expressionless and slightly unfocused.
A candle is lit for him, and a line forms before his casket. Alejandro, Rudy, Price, Ghost, and Gaz.
Alejandro salutes first, and Rudy follows.
Price's arm raises firmly despite the quivering of his breath.
Ghost's arm raises slowly, like he's moving through water and his face ever so slightly twists with an almost confused pinch of his brow.
Gaz is the last to salute, eyes squeezing shut as tears fall down his cheeks.
But in that moment, something changes. Simon sees Johnny smiling at him. He hears himself ask "Are you with me?" only to hear the distant whisper of "Always, Lt."
But Johnny wasn't with him.
Johnny never got to know how much Simon loved him.
And Ghost broke. His hand dropped as his knees buckled, a painful cry worming its way out of his chest. Sobs rattled him as he put his head to the ground, the cold stone of the church floor seeping into him. He cried and sobbed and wailed, kneeling on the floor with his head to the ground. And he begged, he pleaded, he confessed
You're supposed to be with me
#*fucking sobs*#*screams in pain*#I did this to myself#now everyone else has to suffer as well#john soap mactavish#simon ghost riley#soapghost#ghostsoap#kyle gaz garrick#captain john price#mcd#mw3 spoilers#cod mw3
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I cannot imagine being a Damian stan right now. You've got both Zdarsky's bullshit (where he clearly doesn't give a shit about your boy) and The Boy Wonder (where Juni Ba clearly gives so many shits about your boy) coming out on the same day. The whiplash must be insane. I hope y'all get some nice warm soup for your efforts jfc
#damian wayne#damian al ghul#damian al ghul wayne#batman#batfamily#for all of the issues that come with having Steph as your fave having too much wild shit happening at once is never one of them#btw I quite like The Boy Wonder Issue 1. wow shocker an artist and writer who I have liked everything they've ever done#has once again written something that I am enjoying with art that makes me want to be part of its world.#it's almost like Juni Ba is really freaking talented or something#like I have some problems with it but it seems like many of those are part of the point. Damian is learning that his siblings are more#three-dimensional than he realized and that is part of this 'coming of age' story merged with fairytale#so I can't be mad at the oversimplistic defining of Dick and Jason and Tim until the conclusion of the series. that might be the point.#I hope that the series will address Steph as a Robin but if not then frankly it's not an issue unique to this series.#I'll be annoyed and disappointed but ultimately roll with it like I am with Babsgirl being here. There's too much good stuff here to get#hung up on shit that seems to be almost an editorial mandate at this point. at least that's where I'm at.#I am also very sorry that Chip Zdarsky is massacring your boy. he has 'X (Tim for him) is the best Robin so everyone else must suck' diseas#where a writer really likes one specific Robin and in trying to uplift them demeans all of the other Robins. instead of like...just writing#for that one character only or alternatively not demeaning the other characters in order to make his blorbo look good#it's wild because I actually think his writing for Tim is pretty solid. but he's not writing a Tim series. he's writing a Batman series.#and if you are going to write a Batman series and include other Batfamily members you need to actually write them well.#instead of assigning them like 2 personality traits while Tim gets to be a whole character#I accept that behavior in fanfic where I have lesser standards because it's fucking free. not a comic run that wants me to pay#tens of dollars in order to understand what the fuck is going on. he's been going for a while now it's gotta be a lot of money.#I can buy Steelworks with that money. I can see John Henry and Natasha Irons in a trade. Fuck you Chip.#it's why it takes such a special person to write a good ensemble story/a good Batfamily story. you have to be good at writing a LOT#of different characters. which I don't think most people are. I sure as hell am not. I can write maybe 3 at a time confidently well.#and you also have to give all of them at least SOME love or else people will be upset that you aren't focusing on their fave#and also the writing as a whole will suffer. Chip Zdarsky is a pretty good Tim writer. I'd maybe read a Tim solo written by him.#I would not read a story focusing on multiple characters that I like written by Chip Zdarsky. because every character who isn't Tim#is at least a bit weak/inconsistent/out of character INCLUDING FUCKING BATMAN. THE NO. 1 GUY MOST ARE HERE FOR
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I am the most hopeful of pessimists
#is the world about to go up in flames?#probably#but i will enjoy it for now knowing God wins#are things terrible everywhere#yes#but i have a mission and if i complete my mission then things will work out for the good...even the bad stuff that happens along the way#and everyone else also has a mission and if everyone completes their mission then the world gets better#and if they don't#well as tragic as that is...God wins anyway#and even the inevitable pain and suffering is only the refining process#i will probably never own my own home (which does break my heart a little bit)#but there's a mansion waiting for me in heaven#all of the beautiful things that i wanted are now out of my reach#but even just seeing other people have them means i get to enjoy them#maybe i don't own my own pond#but seeing the neighbor's pond is nice when i drive past his place#so in a way i'm enjoying it too and i don't have to pay to treat the pond to make sure it isn't scummy so maybe i'm ahead after all#life is hard and it will only get harder but i'm learning to fight as i go and i will only get tougher so with God's help i can do this
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2 am and my npmd rotted brain is even more incoherent than usual but like... max explicitly saying that he views grace as "forbidden fruit", and while not said out loud, that is clearly also how grace views max... in christian doctrine, adam and eve ate the forbidden fruit and became sinful and unintentionally doomed the rest of humanity with original sin... grace having sex with max, tasting her forbidden fruit and becoming sinful and taking it upon herself to doom the rest of sinful humanity (well, dirty dudes, but she clearly doesn't have extreme qualifications for who could deserve that title)
#is this anything? fuck it. send post.#grace chasity#npmd#nerdy prudes must die#insert 'ive connected the dots' 'u didnt connect shit' 'ive connected them' meme#has grace still not abandoned her god even as she works for the lords in black???#does she view herself as a main part of god's plan? as the start of the next age? as part of the rapture?#as part of the fire that will cleanse the world of sin?#does she see herself like eve?#a woman made in god's image and was in his direct light who succumbed to sin so hard she doomed everyone else?#but ultimately vital to the story. to humanity? a suffering but major chess piece in god's plan?#do any of these thoughts make any fucking sense or even connect that well??? almost definitely not!!!!#it's 3:04 in the morning now. goodness.#what is my brain if not a microwave that spins grace chasity around and cooks weird thoughts and half baked so-called analyses about her#she's just so fascinating to me okay#my posts
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"Shout Out to My Ex" by a Little Mix is a Verosika & Blitz song and I hate that I'm right about this but also I will hear no arguments otherwise.
#helluva boss#verosika#blitz#listen i had to suffer with this realization so now everyone else has to as well
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sometimes I think about how when I went to college for a year before I dropped out (basically failed out,) the counselors/dean told me they can't help me at all or give any accommodations unless I have an official autism/adhd diagnosis. that might sound logical at first, but when you think about it more, it's actually quite fucked up. if someone is struggling really bad, what's the harm in helping them? why do they require a paper to get even the smallest amount of help? people who don't need help aren't going to be failing miserably without help! even NTs could benefit from some adjustments to the horrible school system! (but changing the entire system is a whole other conversation that the school system isnt ready for)
but even if you do agree to jump through their hoops, you realize it's even more fucked up that the diagnosis process requires YEARS in most cases (in my case it took 4 or 5 years, can't recall exactly now, for autism/adhd diagnosis, which would have meant i finished school before getting it if i managed to mot fail out, or i wait that long before going back, which is a whole struggle itself) and they also tried billing me for THOUSANDS of dollars because of insurance issues!!
so you put a ton of time and money into this, and then get told the only accommodation they are willing to give you for autism and adhd is "a little extra time on tests"
....
my test scores were the best part of my whole class experience. that was NOT what I struggled with!!!!! those tests were all online and could be done in the comfort of your home where you can accommodate yourself and have plenty of time left over when you finish them because you are comfy in your own space, (and also, no one was stopping you from having your notes/books/google open to find the answers,) and you don't even need a time consuming, expensive diagnosis for that!
SO WHAT'S THE POINT!!!!!!!
#mind you this was over 10 years ago now. it *could* have gotten better but id be extremely shocked if it has#autistic#autism#actually autistic#adhd#neurodivergent#audhd#school#school problems#yes i know theres rules or maybe even laws for this and its why they are like this but its bad and should change#if they offered smaller classes with less sensory overloading bullshit and other things i needed it would be great!#but they refuse to accommodate your actual needs and make up useless accommodations to legally say they help disabilities#ND people (not just audhd) and other disabled people that graduate with no useful accommodations are so strong and cool. proud of you!#ones who had to drop you youre also cool for not dealing with their bullshit snd allowing yourself to not suffer for a sheet of paper!#(though i know it can feel bad when everyone around you makes you feel bad for needed to drop out or failing out and not going back)#i completely stopped going to my psychology class because i started a week late due to scheduling issues and#suddenly we are told theres a paper due in 3 days and need to hse the textbook i didnt have yet as the source for it all#and it was in the syllabus i didnt get because i was a week late and didnt know we got one. the professor didnt notice me out of#the 100 other students in that large lecture hall. that room was also a sensory nightmare hellscape#too many students made things noisy and distracting. multiple fluorescent lights were flickering constantly and never fixed#the professor used a mic to speak to us and it had a constant horrible loud buzzing. it did that loud mic screech noise randomly#without warning. all the time. the quality of the sound was horrible so it was hard to understand her. on top of that she had a very thick#accent i wasnt familiar with so that on top of the horrible buzzing mkc quality that also cut her out constantly was auditory processing#disorder HELL. I dont know how ANYONE survived thst class but i seemed to be the only one struggling. everyone else turned in their papers#and i gave up and stopped going. was too late to drop the class to get my money back so i wasted probably a few thousand dollars#and THATS what i mean by give me reasonable and useful accommodation. test time would NOT make that class better at all#fix the mic and light issues at least or give me a smaller class with more attentive professor or something!#offer smaller classes for struggling disabled people! if the issue is not knowing who needs them then offer a switch to those struggling!#i got called onto a dean/counselor meeting because a professor noticed my horrible grades and stuff so its possible to catch us and help!#THESE SCHOOLS JUST NEED TO START BEING WILLING TO. dont make us do all the work to accommodate ourselves and expect to do well in school!
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im writing up the [long overdue] look at wotr Cecios childhood and pre game life now ive actually played through most of his run, but have a [somewhat] quick post about jjba him post Celias death and his relationship with Rametto/a<3
It would be an understatement to say his relationship with Rametto/a is one of his healthiest bonds with anyone. Its somewhere between siblings and old friends, them both united in their distance from the core of Celia & co- Celia, Tesoro, Conficcare, and the lingering memories of Elena. Coming after, they will never quite share that groups bond and will always be slightly on the outside due to not being the same age. that is to say they're both younger siblings, closer in age to each other than to their own siblings, and share the bond that those similar experiences form.
Cecio was for so long the youngest, the one coddled and protected, that he was partially glad when Conficcare brought a young Rametto/a to the flat and said they were both living there. the three years between them felt so little compared to the nine and six respective to their older siblings, and they soon got on well, partially because they would complain about overbearing and stressed older siblings.
Cecio was always protected by Celia, shielded from his actions, so the great thing about Rametto/a was he wanted to be a good friend to them, wanted to be able to comfort and help them, wanted to help them not feel so alone and disconnected from family. Cecio took on the role of the older brother, took on that responsibility, tried to be good for them. Cecio was very driven by a desire to help Rametto/a have a happier life, and its the one thing where he isn't primarily a selfish asshole preying on those weaker than him.
When Celia/Muro dies Cecio is devastated- for so long he had thought of them as untouchable and everlasting. But as much as he would love to wallow in his grief and lash out at the world, Tesoro and Conficcare also died, hes now the eldest, and hes the only person Rametto/a has left of her found family. So he steps up, he looks at who Muro was, at who Tesoro was, and makes a new mask, makes a new story, and swears his undying loyalty to Rametta. He could lose himself in his grief, but his little sister needs him- just like he needed Celia all those years ago.
Its hard. Looking in the mirror with his new shorter haircut, every time new memories of young Celia resurfacing, him seeing them with new eyes, with understanding he only has now. His understanding of Celia deepens, the lengths she would go to, the cruelty she could say was for the best- and the pride in her eyes, the hard earned smiles, the joy at quiet mornings, so hard won, even harder than he could imagine back then.
He does it for Rametta, for her smiles, for the confidence she holds, for the little sister that always pulled him out of his gloom. She doesn't need him, in many ways. if he died he is fully confident she could do it all, and do it better, but he hates the idea of her having to do it all alone, no-one she can trust to cry on, no-one she can share the joy she feels at being herself, the grief that the rest of their family will never see it.
He may be a selfish bastard, but when it comes to his little sister? he will do anything for her.
#gold & silver#cecio#rametto/a#OUGHHH#Cecios not fussed about how much Celia cares about Rametto/a bc thats also now his younger sibling. OUR new family member#Conficcare in the corner: that my fucking sibling get your mitts of#jokes aside. it fucking does something how much Cecio cares about rametto/a. compared to everyone else#how he takes on responsibility and builds her up and supports her#completely against how he interacts with everyone else#also how he comes to understand Celia....#also seeing the trans joy Rametta has<3#SIBLINGS#they also annoy the fuck out of each other all the time but <3#She really is what keeps him going after Celia dies. he cant leave her alone to navigate the world they live in#he finally refuses to be complacent in the suffering of others#[well just for her]
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I have been mentally repeating the exact same scene for fwct in my head every day since I started writing it .and with every repeat it drives me more insane that I'm not writing that scene instead of literally anything else
#IT'S MY FAVORITE SCENE!!!! I WANT TO WRITE IT SO BAD!!!!!! I WANT EVERYONE ELSE TO KNOW!!!!!!#like I KNOW very well could write that scene now and just have it ready in advance. But at the same time I like building Myself up to it#Tension has to grow not just for you people but for Me. Who suffers every day not writing this scene#like literally every brain animatic I have for fwct (because of course I'm having those) features this scene.#OR is JUST this scene.#because it's so integral for .everything. and it. RRRR#gnaws at the bars of my enclosure LET ME OUUUT LET ME OUT#clamtalk#writing woes. get me out here.
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Girl are you okay? Cause you've been looking through the "My lesbian experience with loneliness" tag again
Well the short answer is no :D
#the long answer is I saw one post of someone going 'well now that I'm 28 too maybe I'll try doing the same thing the protag does here''#and nearly cried because 28 is such a ridiculously long time away except not really except it's SO#fucking long and so close to what I was gaslit into believing I would ever have that I'd be lucky to make it to my thirties for no reason#and I never wanted anything different and just wanted to live and had panic attacks when reading but I'd still believe it was inevitable#and now I am suddenly having to come to terms with so much I want from life that I had resigned myself to never having because I couldn't#but how am I meant to do that? it's just hanging over my head now and it feels so stupid and I feel so out of place everywhere#it feels like I'm too bad at being a person to be loved and too angry to even admit I want to be#and too regretful to seek it because I'm scared of trampling over people's boundaries like people have done to me#and like I did too before I grew up and thought my way through having some empathy#why do only boys show any interest in me.... why is every friend I make entirely outside the range of people who could possibly reciprocate#why is it so easy for me to brush crushes aside aren't people supposed to suffer for this stuff#does that prove it's not a romantic crush and it's just that I want to be held and wanted#it feels so wrong to want this after fighting so much just to have fulfilling platonic relationships what's wrong with me#that I still want something else what more could I want this life is so ideal as far as 12 yo me is concerned#...when did my brain start viewing any and all kinds of want or ambition as doomed efforts for me?#I have such a headache all of a sudden#I think... the way I value self preservation has gotten all the way around into being harmful maybe#at least a little#everyone I know is nowhere near the amount of control freak as I am and they just go do things they want to do#have I seen them hurt over the consequences multiple times yes. but . I'm tired of hurting over absence#''did you know wishing you had more extreme and easily verifiable trauma is in itself proof of having undergone trauma'' well yeah but like#fuck why couldn't I be traumatized by anything else that wasn't literally the profession supposed to help you with all the trauma#delete later#like for real I want to delete it rn but I also don't
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being a ✨historian✨ on the internet is hearing the worst most god awful fucking takes you have ever seen by ppl that have never actually studied history beyond youtube videos and tiktoks and maybe some trending half fiction half conspiracy book and just want to say smth they think is like earth shattering and edgy but is really just completely ahistorical and vaguely offensive but you can't even say anything bc you will get called an elitist and you kind of just
#oh my god I am tired I'm tired if I have to hear one more person talk out their ass about history or religion I'm gonna lose it#on today's takes I've heard:#the us is actually comparable to africa bc africa is only suffering bc their governments hate them#(completely ignoring how vastly different each political climate and history is of each African country#as well as how undeniably responsible Europe and esp England is for the bullshit in Africa)#and now the take that Actually before europe every single other country on earth was peaceful and a fucking fairy land utopia#but Europeans have generational trauma that make them evil and mean and inhuman as compared to everyone else#which is just. I don't even know where to begin there.#Europe has done irreparable harm w colonization yes absolutely#but to say that every non European country had never experienced violence is also racist bc it's denying the autonomy of entire peoples#and their very real and important histories and contexts#just to give the dogshit fake edgy bullshit take that Europeans invented violence bc they're not actually human
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havent read tbc but i think its so funny how shadowsight seems to be popular to the people i follow just because “the narrative treats him like all the female characters do so hes an honorary girlie”
#and by ''how the narrative treats him'' they mean badly ofc bc apparently everything is blamed on him repeatedly#w no one realizing that he was manipulated and the narrative being retconned just to say hes actually a screwup who was never good#and everything genuinely is his fault bc why else would he listen to an evil cat in starclan#like. damn that really is something theyd do to a female protagonist#also the only ppl ive seen hating on him do it for boring and stupid reasons so im inclined to like him out of spite#bc ''he has an ILLEGAL name in this universe. hes a TIGERDOVE kid. hes a FANFICTION made REAL'' ok well hes the most interesting one. so.#not like anything he actually does in the narrative it seems. plus the other two protags sound boring as hell#''oh im sad i couldnt get w the boy i like. now i love another guy but its forbidden. oh and my leaders possessed ig.''#''SIGH i wish people didnt compare me to my cringe OUTSIDER dad. also i see ghosts and i hate this its cringe''#''also my sister is a legacy name after an important character from the previous arc but who cares''#and then shadowsight is like ''since i was an infant i had excruiciating seizures and visions. i threw myself into a river as a sacrifice#i am suicidal. i got manipulated by an evil man into possessing my great uncle. everyone outwardly wants me dead for it#everyone blames all of their problems on me and expects a lot from me. i got demoted for it. my only support is my close family#and even then they have to suffer the extreme guilt of not being able to help me with literally anything#also the antagonist wants my mom dead for my own existence. i have lost so much#i am literally blamed by god for everything thats happened to be despite being used by them since i was an infant and thats where my story e#ends''#like fuck. yeah he is an honorary girlie to me. i barely know u man but like i support u. cmere be my pet cat#echoed voice
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hmm. this show is hitting a little too hard.
#og#this is about midnight mass btw#all of them. all of the characters i relate to.#guy who does something wrong and has now broken the relationship w his whole family? me#girl who is disabled by someone and holds ungodly amts of rage towards them even after she recovers? me#i relate most to ali tbh#he feels ignored and unseen because his father never considers him in important decisions#he lives in a very conservative and bigoted area and is pressured by everyone else to believe in a religion he doesn't#and when he expresses interest in this religion his father is shocked and angered#but i relate to his father too#if god loves us then why does he save some and not others? why does he make us suffer?#maybe i'm taking it too seriously as i always do#also my mutual was right the priest is super hot btw#and so is the. well. spoilers.
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"Wahahaha!"
Rolling with laughter, spitting onto unfortunate fellows!
"Gyahahaha!"
A light brush-off, a hymn of love loaded with compassion!
"Wahahaha!"
Get a taste, please, the status quo is boring.
"Gyahahaha!"
Tasteless superiority, this is the "answer." Have any complaints?!
Life or death, sink or swim.
A calculating life, a gambling game,
just keeps going up without folding.
Even exposed in the rain, even as I was crying alone..
The accompaniment track rings out..
#a shattered view au#!lyrics!#!posts!#lil coding is.. not doing well once hes finally free from the mirror#to him.. It's been about 7 years while it's been a week for everyone else. 7 years alone. by yourself. with the knowledge that you arent-#-real? that youre just being used for videos? that people have been watching your family's suffering?#of course hes angry. of course hes upset.#of course hes gone *mad*.#and now he has a target for his anger. hate. loathing. and *maddness*.
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bigass vent over general life things
things in general are really not great i don't really have any optimism for the future or making a life for myself. like i don't really have any drive or ambition to look forward or work towards anything good/meaningful because as time goes on there are going to be really bad life events that i just don't think i can keep facing anymore. and theyre going to be worse. i'm just dragging along life solely on the basis that i was plopped here to just Exist and that's my task at hand that i'm reluctantly upholding. just exist until it's over
#when i say 'i'm 25' 'i'm going to be 26' it does not feel right coming out of my mouth. i do not feel just 25 or 26 i feel far far older#mentally and physically#when i'm around other people my age i just feel on a completely different plane of experience from everyone else#idk. i've always been a naturally anxious and socially stunted person & def have some kind of lingering trauma that keeps me from connectin#w people. but also having no family members or relatives anywhere near my age (~17 yrs older than me at the least) while i was growning up#probably did something to me as well. my entire life has just been witnessing family members decline and die like dominoes over the course#of 25 years. like i know all about end of life care and legal paperwork and shit like that. i know what grief is like and#seeing how it affects people. i know the stages of dread and worry and numbness & guilt-ridden relief that comes with being terrified 24/7#for an ailing family member over the course of years. knowing what it's like to grieve people who arent dead yet but you know it's coming#and then when the inevitable happens it's horrible. but also you're so exhausted from the strain that you're mostly numb. and then you feel#a sense of relief that the worst is over they're not suffering anymore you don't have to dread it anymore. which obviously makes you#question if you're some kind of deranged asshole for feeling that way. idk#25 for me has been a very eye-opening age where i'm fully realizing how fast time passes. i thought i was at around 18-20 but i was really#just first becoming aware of it.#i know how to view the world from that lens bc that's all i know. i only see life as a preparation for the end#instead of a beginning. or at least see it as a beginning at this current point in my life#covid/lockdown has definitely been a source of mental drain on me as well. the constant fear and paranoia of getting sick AND what sort of#long term consequences i could have due to getting it twice. and what i could have if i get it more than twice#add that with the general social and political climate right now and it's just...so very bleak. home life is bleak & outside world is bleak#vent
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At this rate I’m pretty sure every day is starting with something new that makes my life permanently more shitty until god kills me
#randos don’t read these and if you do anyway kiss me on the mouth#then die <3#it doesn’t fucking stop#it just doesn’t fucking stop#how long#every fucking day something new comes along and it doesn’t FUCKING STOP#JUST KILL ME ALREADY#I was finally had the fucking energy to make things a little better and the fucking MOMENT I TRY I GET FUCKED#GOD FORBID I MAKE ANYTHING BETTER IN MY LIFE#GOD FORBID I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF#if I can’t die and I can’t get better WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ALL FOR#oh! i get it now. I’m in hell#i can’t kill myself. god won’t do it. i suffer perpetually. yeah. that’s hell#23 years of living hell and for what. no close friends. no genuine family. actually what was this for again?#23 years working my ass off whenever I can for people who either abuse me or never cared to begin with#and look what all that hard work and genuine care has earned me! a home in a rotting trailer!#all 5 of my siblings are thriving. everyone else is moving forward. all content to leave ol’ Sam rotting away#all content to leave ol Sam as the only one helping our grandparents when they need it. grandparents who also don’t give a fuck mind you#all are content. all is well. eventually Sam will die and we can live the rest of our lives unburdened! god willing!#or so the plan would seem#my fathers family did the same thing with their mentally ill kid and I’m gonna be round fucking two
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New model of organised religion: combination rehabilitation and education system, no longer a criminal trial.
#if you're wondering about hell#it's when you get reincarnated as one of the shitty lives that exist in the past of linear time#the prison is only being able to see backwards in time on your infinite self's path#and when you achieve enlightenment#you get the option to come back and make things better for other people who are still in hell#but also you get to leave the next day if you want#every soul that was ever born accepted the suffering of the world#so that they could learn to be good enough to build the world without suffering#i have a really nasty suspicion about the next life i'm going to be offered#it's not who you may be thinking#feel free to ask me#i really really hope i'm wrong#guys i'll find out someday#let's see what i can build on earth in the meantime#also yes i am aware that there are already models of religion that work like this#i told you i wasn't the only one building this jigsaw#i just got a bigger picture of the lid of the box after having to rely on second-hand information from everyone else my entire life#i'm not claiming it's the whole thing#or that it's not blurry in places#the photographer's thumb may be covering part of the lens#but it's MY PHOTO#i didn't take it i was sent it#and now i'm trying to describe it to you well enough to help with making the actual jigsaw#who here has played Keep Talking And Nobody Explodes?
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