#november baby shower themes

[roomselfcontain2]

Luxury new standard single room visit website Selfcontain house for rent pop standard home available now located at ada George off iwofe road in port Harcourt city rivers state nigeria.

[dellalyra]

Hello! I saw that your requests are open so if I may can I request headcanons for Nanami and Gojo when reader is pregnant? Like some random moments as well as how they act during the whole thing from telling them about the pregnancy! Also congratulations on thsu milestone!

Thank you and have a good day/night <3

AGH YAY I LOVE THIS thank u so much for sending this in!!!!

CW: I guess a lil nsfw, f!Reader, soft as hell, suggestive themes

✭ Pixie’s 1.5k Follower Celebration - send in headcanon requests! ✭

✵ NANAMI ✵

✵ you and kento had definitely been planning for a child, and actively trying. He was actually the one to suggest a baby at first, you’d been married for 2 years and he had always wanted to be a father.

✵ 100% the kind of man who would have you both taking fertility vitamins to help encourage a healthy pregnancy.

✵ safe to say - babymaking was the highlight for you both. The thought of you having his child drove this man insane (nanami breeding kink go brrr) he was literally insatiable.

✵ He was actually the one to sense you were pregnant, you had been feeling under the weather for a day or two, not thinking much of it since you’d been trying for only 2 months and it was November. But, then Kento brought you both home some delicious ramen from a local market and the smell had you SPRINTING to the bathroom. When he was done holding back your hair, he opened the bathroom cabinet and pulled out a test.

✵ When the two very strong lines appeared you jumped into your husbands arms as he spun you in a circle, whispering sweet nothings.

✵ During your pregnancy, Kento would not let you lift a finger. He was on you with your prenatal vitamins, smoothies, foot rubs, every type of Lamaze class you could think of

✵ god the other women in the Lamaze class were just fawning over your husband, arm around your swollen waist, attentive to every moment you make (and those muscles under his well fitted sweater helped)

✵ he made sure to read to your baby every night, as well as rubbing lotion into your bump to help the stretching skin.

✵ builds the crib and nursery furniture himself (from scratch), and helps you paint and prepare.

✵ you both decide on Yuuji as godfather

✵ just so prepared to be a dad man, literally came pre assembled as a father.

✵ Gojo ✵

✵ k SO one of two situations, yay surprise baby or you guys had like an ‘if it happens it happens’ situation going on, no pressure or planning

✵ I think Satoru had been scared to be a father at first, but then he realised that love isn’t a curse, and the love you two have is so powerful it can create a whole other person, not even his six eyes can do that.

✵ there’s no need for a pregnancy test , you come home one day and he freezes - you had been gone when he woke up that morning, a mission an hour or two away but short and easy. You got back around noon, and giggle at your husbands surprised face.

✵“baby, it’s … it’s not just you. i can see them.”

✵“okay mr. I can see dead people what are you on about?”

✵ he just lays a big hand over your still-flat belly, and you gasp, realising what he means. He can see the tiny amount of cursed energy coming from your womb. A combination of his and yours makes for a powerful residual. The little dot pulsed along with what he presumed was the baby’s heart.

✵“are you serious? please don’t joke ‘Toru”

✵ “shush, you’ll wake up our baby.”

✵ you both drop to your knees and he wraps his big long arms around you

✵ “we’re having a baby ‘Toru.”

✵ he warps you both straight into shokos office and by your teary smile and Satoru’s beaming face she just says congrats and pulls out the ultrasound machine.

✵ you’re 6 weeks along, “hey lil’mochi, this is your momma, and I’m papa, but she calls me dadd-”

✵ SPOILS YOU

✵ immediately you both go to the shop, baby clothes, toys, plushies, a whole new family car.

✵ literally ridiculous

✵ plans the biggest baby shower, he’s just so happy

✵ a little scared he won’t be a good enough dad but you shut that down straight away

✵ any and all cravings are catered to

✵ gets even more handsy and insatiable during your pregnancy, just seeing you swollen with HIS child makes him fucking FERAL

✵ PARENTING BOOKS

✵ at night, sits and chats with your bump, head laying on your lap facing the bump, your hands in his hair, usually stories of how he met you, embarrassing little megumi, how he annoys Uncle Nanamin, how awesome he is

✵ has planned an entire emergency plan for you and the baby, it’s eased his mind. He didn’t tell you, just put precautions in place.

✵ draws faces on your bump

✵ helps you bathe and shower and washes your hair because ‘Mrs. Gojo deserves whatever she wants.’

✵ fights with the higher ups and threatens them so much that they give you both a years parental leave, more if needed. Scary man <3

✵ has lists as long as him of name ideas, does not shut up about all the things he wants to do

✵ constantly posting and sharing photos of ‘pretty mama’

[yamahex]

No Nut November: Day 15

Summary: Jack thinks you’ve finally gave in.

Content Warning: 17+ Smut and Sexual Themes. Desperate Jack🤭

A/N: Yeah so this was supposed to be day 10 but it’s now day 15 and we vibe💀😭

The warm water coming from the shower head cascaded along Jack’s skin when the sound of the shower curtain opening caught his attention.

His head tilted up to see you in a towel with a seemingly innocent smile on your face. Suddenly his interests were peaked at the thought of what was potentially about to happen.

“Mind if I join you, baby?” A look of excitement appeared on his face, having not seen you naked in weeks.

“Hell nah I don’t mind. Bring your fine ass in here.”

His statement made you smirk before dropping your towel. Just as you hoped. Jack then reached his hand out to you as the steam from the shower started to overtake the bathroom.

After pulling you in his eyes raked over your body, a sight he had craved for what seems like forever. But now his eyes have something new to look at. His breath hitched after taking in the sight of your new piercings, almost forgetting about them.

“Remember no touching.” He sighed but nodded in acceptance. Your arms wrapped around his neck as his hands made their way to your waist. Both of you reveling in the feeling of being close again.

Jack brought his face inches away from yours, his eyes never leaving yours.

“I miss you baby.”

You looked at him with big innocent eyes.

“I miss you too J.”

The two of you leaned in for a quick kiss which quickly led to a make out session. A gasp left your lips when he moved down and began sucking on your neck. As amazing as it felt to finally give in you knew you had to stay focused and make him never want to do No Nut November again.

“Y/N forget about this damn month, can you please just touch me?” He looked up at you from his spot.

You smirked as you looked down at him.

“Are you sure? Is that really what you want?”

“I’m begging, baby. I can’t take it anymore, I need you so fucking bad.”

It was evident by the sight of his boner that he really was begging for some type of release.

“Okay baby, I’ll take care of you.”

Those words alone were almost enough to get him off. Never again would he do this dumbass challenge.

You quickly moved to sit on your knees in front of him while he looked down at you with needy eyes.

By now the whole bathroom was filled with the steam coming from the shower.

Your hand gently stroked his shaft, causing him to shutter at the contact. His eyes closed taking in the feeling of your gentle touch against him.

“Aw baby, I’ve been neglecting you haven’t I?”

“Mhm.”

You continued to stroke him, lightly teasing his tip every once in awhile. You looked up at him with cockiness in your eyes. This was surely an amazing sight, Jack is rarely this needy. (You for sure would tease him about this later.)

His breathing staggered at the feeling of his orgasm approaching. You noticed this and quickly brought your other hand up to cup his balls.

“F-Fuck babe I’m gonna cum.”

You continued to stroke him a couple more times, but right before he was able to finish you yanked your hand away and got up. His eyes quickly opened and looked at you with confusion.

“This month isn’t over yet.”

You stepped out of the shower into the steam filled atmosphere, leaving him dumbfounded. He watched as you wrapped yourself back in your towel.

“Y/N- You can’t just-“

“Oh, I can. Maybe when you want to participate in this next year you’ll remember this moment.”

“Babe please, you can’t leave me like this. What am I supposed to do now??”

You reached into the shower and turned the handle to cold water, making him jump at the temp.

“Enjoy your shower, baby.”

His shocked expression never leaving his face as he watched you leave the bathroom. His head hung low as the cold water covered him. He couldn’t even bring himself to finish the job with the amount of betrayal and annoyance that filled him.

“This girl will be the death of me.”

[esmedelacroix]

29 days til' Christmas

decorating the christmas tree with erwin smith and your daughter ⋆꙳•̩̩͙❅̩̩͙‧͙ ‧͙̩̩͙❆ ͙͛ ˚₊⋆

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Erwin had insisted on starting holiday decorations after Thanksgiving. This is what brought you here the literal morning after Thanksgiving hauling all of the decorations out of the storage with little Anna. If it was up to you, the tree would've been up by the first of November. If there was one thing that Anna got from you, it was your love for the holidays.

The tree that you had chosen as a family, the weekend prior, was delivered to your doorstep and brought inside. Anna chose this year's Christmas color theme; red and gold. She added the tree skirt and you were ready to get started.

You put the lights up and let Anna plug them in. They illuminated beautifully even with the sunlight pouring into the room. The two of you squealed in excitement as you opened the ornament box.

Anna started putting the red ornaments on the tree, scattering them so when you put the gold they would all be in order. While the two of you were decorating the tree, you heard heavy footsteps walking down the stairs. You turned your head towards the stairs to see Erwin wiping the sleep out of his eyes. "Papa! You're awake! Look what me and mommy are doing!" Anna exclaimed, running to him and giving him a hug. Erwin picked her up and walked over to you giving you a smooch.

"Ew guys," Anna said giving you both dirty looks

"Aw do you want a kiss too?" you teased. You shared a look with Erwin before showering Anna with kisses. She acted like she hated it but you knew she loved the affection. She was very sassy for a 4-year-old, but she was a softie at heart.

"I see you girls already got started with the decorations," he said admiring your work.

"Yeah, I'm sorry babe we just couldn’t wait," you chirped, showing him the parts Anna decorated.

Erwin put Anna down and looked through a box. "Hey maybe we can put some of these ornaments on the tree, they belonged to my great-great-great grandmother, it's a family heirloom of sorts," he explained. You rushed over to peek into the box he was holding with Anna. In it lay six of the most beautiful vintage gold and red ornaments.

They were shaped and designed like cupolas on top of Russian Orthodox churches. They were round and pointed at the ends like an onion, They had swirled strips, checkered designs, and spiked ones. "Oh my god, baby these are perfect, I love them!" you exclaimed and you hugged him.

"Anna darling, you want to put these up?" you asked as you picked one up and handed it to her.

She happily placed the ornaments on the tree handling the ornaments with delicacy and care. "I'm gonna get breakfast started while you girls finish up with the tree," Erwin said, giving you a quick kiss.

"Thank you, baby," you hummed while you helped Anna get the higher spots on the tree.

Once the two of you finished putting all the ornaments on the tree and breakfast smelled just about ready, you called Erwin for the final part. "Daddy, we want you to put the star up," Anna exclaimed, holding the star up to him.

"Alright pumpkin," he said, patting her head. He barely had to try because he was so tall; once he placed the star atop the tree and plugged it in, the tree was complete.

"Oooh, it looks so good!" Anna squeals, jumping up and down.

"It was a job well done, sweetheart," You said, hugging her.

"Now it's time for you ladies to come to the kitchen, and eat some breakfast, you've been working so hard, let's replenish your energy," Erwin said while ushering the two of you into the kitchen.

The two of you ate like you never have before. Erwin watched you feeling nothing but happiness overflowing in his heart. Erwin loved to spoil his beautiful girls and join them in whatever crazy adventure they embarked on. He felt as though he was made to love the two of you and would do anything for you. Even if it meant, waking up early in the morning to the sound of his girls squealing(probably over the Christmas tree arriving)and going down to help out and make breakfast.

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taglist:

@aripet22

[duggardata]

Katey Might Be Pregnant. Again.

Thank you to the many, many people who sent in Asks about this!

Katey (Nakatsu) Duggar has a public Pinterest profile. It’s definitely hers; her half–sister and Hannah (Wissmann) Duggar follow it. One of her "boards" is also entitled "Esther's shower!," and we know that Katey planned / hosted Esther (Keyes) Bates's baby shower back in September.

Direct your attention to the latest "board" on Katey's account, which is entitled "Christmas photo." Per Pinterest, Katey's latest pin to the "Christmas photo" board was 1 Month Ago. When you click into the board, you see that the most recent pin is... An idea for a Christmas–themed pregnancy announcement.

Now, Duggar Data isn't a Pinterest whiz, by any means. I'm not sure if "1 Month Ago" actually means 30 Days Ago, or possibly if Pinterest treats everything that happens in October as "1 Month Ago" as soon as November rolled around. Regardless, snarkers—Reddit, I believe, was first to find it—discovered the "Christmas photo" Pinterest page yesterday (November 2, 2022). So it's safe to say that Katey pinned the holiday–themed pregnancy announcement in October 2022.

I'm sure you're all eager for the data, so let's get on with it.

When is Duggar–Nakatsu #2 Forecast to Arrive?

As of November 3, 2022, Katey was expected to announce her 2nd Pregnancy on December 27, 2023, and give birth August 22, 2024. That's based on Jed + Katey's Marriage–to–Firstborn Spacing (394 Days), the Duggar 2nd Child Multiplier (1.7949), and a Maternal Age Multiplier for Age 25–29.99 (1.1928). All that works out to an Age–Adjusted Procreative Pace (AAPP) of 843 Days (27.7 Months). The Projected DOB (August 22, 2024) is 843 Days after Truett's DOB of May 2, 2022—so, there you go. Their ESOQ is 8 Children.

(Note—Savvy followers might be objecting at this point, like: "Katey isn't 25! She doesn't turn 25 until July 2023!" That is true; however the Maternal Age Factor kicks in because she will be Age 25–29.99 for her next birth.)

TL;DR—If Katey is pregnant, Jed + Katey are early for Baby 2. How early, you ask. Well, that depends...

If They Found Out In October...

Apparently, she was pinning announcement ideas—so, it seems like maybe she's pregnant. We have no way of knowing when she found out, but let's just assume it was close in time to the pins and go with mid–October (October 16, 2022). In the Pregnancy Announcement for Truett, Katey was shown using an "early detection" test, which is capable of detecting a pregnancy on Day 23 of a 28–Day Cycle. We can estimate that, if Katey used that test and found out on October 16, 2022, her Approximate Due Date (ADD) is June 30, 2023. The Duggar–Nakatsus announced at a mere 41 Days Along last time, so they'd be expected to announce on November 3, 2022. (Hey, that's today! Nifty.)

If Katey is due on June 30th, 2023, her child can't be GrandDuggar #29, since her Due Date is after Joy's and Joy is having #30.

If Katey is due on June 30th, she's 419 Days and 2.34 SDs Early for Baby #2. Her and Jed's Baseline Procreative Pace (PP)—without a Maternal Age Adjustment—would be 424 Days (~14 Months), which is faster than Kelly Jo Bates (456 Days), Kendra Duggar (483 Days), Michelle Duggar (491 Days), and Tori Smith (454 Days). The couples who are faster are Grace + Kord (366 Days) and Nurie + Nathan (414 Days). Factoring Maternal Age in, Jed + Katey's ESOQ would be 13 Children (+5 vs. Current ESOQ).

If They Announce On Christmas...

Okay. Maybe Katey isn't pregnant, yet. She's just planning ahead... Last time, Jed + Katey announced at 41 Days Along. Assuming they announce on Christmas of 2022, again at 41 Days Along, that yields an Approximate Due Date (ADD) of August 21, 2023.

Again, Duggar–Nakatsu #2 can't be GrandDuggar #29, since Joy is due in May and hers is #30.

If Katey is due August 21, 2023, she's 367 Days and 2.05 SDs Early for Baby #2. Her and Jed's Baseline Procreative Pace (PP), prior to Maternal Age Adjustment, would be 476 Days. That's a little slower than Grace Etbauer, Nurie Keller, Tori Smith, and Kelly Jo Bates, but still faster than Kendra or Michelle Duggar. Factoring Maternal Age in, their ESOQ would be 12 Children (+4 vs. Current ESOQ).

Conclusion

If Katey is pregnant again already, Kendra better watch out.

[ocean-in-my-witchy-soul]

Building my Liturgical Calendar 2023-2024

Sat in the sun for solstice yesterday. Didn't have a lot to do for it, but I was able to take a nap on the porch with the sun at my back and warm on my skin.

I think I've decided on some points/activities of my liturgical year. Here's my thoughts for the next calendar year. This is not 100% finished, as I want to incorporate more gods into my worship calendar, but this is a helluva start. My practice is pretty lax, and I want to tighten that up nowadays.

Under a cut for length.

What kind of things do other folks do for your practice? Do any of these match up with your practice? I'm curious!

Super Moon: July 3, 2023

Moon at closest orbit to Earth. Ritual for Mani.

Name Day: July 11, 2023

Day my name change was officially legal. Maybe something to Loki!

Gotcha Day for Saga: August 1, 2023

My baby boy Saga will have been with me for two years! I don't remember if this is specifically the exact day, but after checking my texts about getting him, I've decided on this date. He's such a good kitty cat. Ritual to Freyja. Get him treats and new cat toys.

Super Moon: August 1, 2023

Moon at closest orbit position to Earth. Ritual for Mani.

Perseid Meteor Shower: Mid-July to August, predicted peak August 13, 2023

Do something witchy or just bask in the beauty that is space.

Lokabrenna: August 20th, 2023. I used this In-The-Sky calendar calculator to find when Sirius would first be visible at my latitude. Here's some tips from the Reddit user I got the link from.

Not sure what I'll do, but I'll probably not be able to actually see Sirius in the sky. Maybe some like. fox shaped cookies or otherwise themed food and some cinnamon tea out on the porch? Maybe I'll write something and offer it to Loki. I don't have an altar, so since everyone will be asleep then (it'll be "visible" from 06:14 to 06:17 local time), I can use the table outside for some private time with Him. At any other time: bonfires are good, anything to do with flames.

Blue Super Moon: August 30, 2023

Second full moon in a single month, also super moon. Ritual for Mani.

Gotcha day for Ríma: September 1, 2023

My baby girl Reems will have been with me for two years! Much like with Saga, I don't remember the exact date, but it was approximately a month after he came home. Ritual to Freya. Get her treats and new cat toys.

Dating Anniversary: September 15, 2023

The start of Beloved and I's official relationship. Ritual of thanksgiving to Frigg. Celebration of Beloved. Maybe do something with Loki and/or Sigyn, too? I read about a ritual of 'holding the bowl' for Sigyn that really resonated with me. What an act of devotion.

Birthday: Mid-September

Can I make something witchy here? I'm sure I can.

Autumnal Equinox: September 23, 2023.

Probably something food related? Something sun and moon or fall related. Apples, harvest, wheat, corn. Maybe dedicate a harvest food to Yngvi-Freyr. Hang out in the garden. Ponder the natural balancing/opposing forces: night/dark, summer/winter, spring/fall, etc. Joint ritual for Mani and Sól.

Super Moon: September 29, 2023

Moon at closest orbit position to Earth. Ritual for Mani.

Some Point During Fall: various, unknown

I want to do something with Hel here. Maybe this year once things even out in my personal life I'll start looking at the local cemeteries and see if they need volunteers for grave keeping/tending.

Winter Nights/Disablót: October 28, 2023.

I've read that it's on the first full moon after the first new moon after the fall equinox. Something dedicated to Yngvi-Freyr, as thanks for the last of the harvest. More food. Something disir related? I've just read this article in Patheos's Happily Heathen column about the holiday. Definitely more research to be done. New year? Need more research.

Thanksgiving (USA): November 23, 2023

Secular "holiday", but still important to my family. Participate in prep for celebration, make something for dinner. Quality family time.

Geminids Meteor Shower: Estimated duration: November 19-December 24, predicted peak December 13-14

Do something witchy or just go stargazing and enjoy the beauty that is space.

Winter Solstice/Yule: December 21, 2023.

Ideas: Stay up all night to witness the coming of the dawn, stay up rest of day. Drink cocoa with marshmallows and cinnamon to stay warm through the night, moon/winter themed foods. A ritual to Mani and Odin. In the weeks leading up to Yule, make little gifts for friends and family. I made a handful of these felt goats last year!

Research more heavily into Yule being on the full moon after solstice. If that is the case, Yule will be on the 26th.

Christmas: December 25th, 2023

Not heathen, and basically secular in my family, but important to my people. Gifts, tree, sweets/food, etc. Quality family time. Maybe find a way to go volunteer somewhere. Lord knows my fam makes me crazy.

Vernal Equinox: March 19, 2024.

It's too early for the garden, so I'm not sure what. Maybe go buy some flowers for Grandma? Try to get out in the sun, if it's not too cold. Ponder the natural balancing/opposing forces: night/dark, summer/winter, spring/fall, etc. Joint ritual for Mani and Sól.

April Fool's Day: April 1, 2024.

Trickster and well-meaning pranks day. I'm not really one for pranks, so I'll probably just read some stories of about Loki. The story of Thor's wedding, anyone?

Sigrblót: April 23, 2024

Fourth full moon after the first new moon after the winter solstice, as calculated by using timeanddate.com. Three day-three night festival marking the beginning of summer. Food and celebration, for sure. Source some mead? Probably able to work in the garden.

Mother's Day: May 12, 2024

I kinda want to do some genealogy work with mom. Maybe make a list of my ancestral mothers and reflect on their lives a bit, think about how their lives went to make it possible for me to be born. Celebrate mom. Well. She doesn't much care for celebration, but I'll try to do something more than "here's some money for buying books".

Memorial Day: May 31, 2024.

My grandpa was a vet, so if next year is like this year, I'll go with mom and grandma to the cemetery to visit and clean/beautify the graves of him and grandma's side of the family. Doing this is about as close as I get to ancestor veneration. My family is Mormon, so reciting a prayer to Hel over their graves isn't super appropriate, but I have Her in my thoughts as I spend time amongst the headstones.

Pride: June 2024 (various)

Joint ritual to Fenrir as wrongfully oppressed and Loki as breaker of chains. Volunteer in the community for events and build frith.

Father's Day: June 16, 2024

Similar to Mother's Day. I want to do some genealogy work with mom. Maybe make a list of my ancestral fathers and reflect on their lives a bit, think about how their lives went to make it possible for me to be born. Celebrate dad. Maybe take him out for a movie and dinner. (This year's FD (2023) was pretty meh since I'm broke. I'm going in on a gift with my brother, and hopefully it'll arrive next week-ish.)

Summer Solstice: June 20, 2024.

Stay up all day to witness the coming of the night, stay up rest of night. Eat/drink something seasonal (lemonade of whatever variety?), maybe fruity popsicles to stay cool through the day. Sun/summer-themed foods. A ritual to Sól.

Other non-calendar thoughts:

I want to start a formal reading and reflection of the Hávamál. Like... I don't know. The thing that immediately comes to mind is the practice of reading Bible verses and reflecting in a special journal. Maybe it's my cultural xtianity speaking, but something like that appeals to my desire for structure.

Likewise, do a formal reading of the sagas/eddas.

Do more research into holy days and occasions for Odin, Hel, Fenrir, Loki, Sigyn, Jormungandr, and maybe Bragi.

Dedicated magical creativity sessions, maybe?

Monthly offerings to gods.

Something for landvættr.

Do more space witchery! It's good for the soul!

Build frith through the community using regularly scheduled volunteer activities.

[gingerradiohour]

Ginger Radio Hour #051

Show Notes November 7, 2023

Listen to archived episode.

Theme: Fox and Bear.

Miriam Körner is an illustrator and author of the new book Fox and Bear. It's a modern fable about progress, production, the natural world, and quiet reflection. Körner talks about the dynamic and intricate dioramas she created to build out the world of Fox and Bear as well as the essential existential questions her book raises. Plus, broadcaster, producer, and voiceover actor Philip Grant reads an excerpt from the book.

Playlist:

Björk “Overture” Album: Selmasongs: Music from the Motion Picture "Dancer in the Dark" 2009

Björk "New World" Album: Selmasongs: Music from the Motion Picture "Dancer in the Dark" 2009

amaarae "Reckless & Sweet" Album: Fountain Baby 2023

Primus “Hello Wonkites” Album: Primus & the Chocolate Factory with the Fungi Ensemble 2014

Hiroshi Yoshimura “Green shower” Album: Surround 1986

Neil Young "Love Earth" Album: World Record 2022

Lonnie Holley & Bon Iver “Kindness Will Follow Your Tears” Album: Oh Me Oh My 2023

Dinah Washington “This Bitter Earth” Album: Fly Me to the Moon (Remastered) 2018

[girlyandunruly]

2022: Hard time balancing work with a well-lived life.

I felt overwhelmed constantly with how much responsibility I have and still trying to maintain our house chores, errands, cooking, exercising, my hobbies, trips and social life. After pandemic period I wanted to get back to “normal” but seems I can’t go back to who I was. The amount of planning and coordination it takes to do anything has been getting to me. I made too many plans, I traveled almost every month of the year (by plane) and a few months multiple times. Normally this would be fun, but going from not traveling at all for a year, to doing so many trips, it messed with the routine I had established. At the beginning of 2022 I had felt that so much time was wasted during the 2-year pandemic that I needed to catch up, but I over did it. So, for 2023 I’ll focus on not doing too much, only the necessary. I already said “No” to a friend inviting me to Arizona in March. That’s a start!

Though overwhelmed with preparations and airport madness, the moment I’m at my destination I forget all about the treacherous journey and have the best time. Memories that stay with me forever, even the bad ones are good lessons learned and make me laugh now. Travel recap:

JANUARY:

Spent a week in Vail working and snowboarding with Kevin.

FEBRUARY:

Kevin took me to Mexico (Holbox and Playa del Carmen) for my 37th birthday.

MARCH:

Birmingham, MI for Luka’s baby shower that my mom and I hosted.

APRIL:

I traveled to Fort Worth, TX to attend a conference where Barr Engineering was one of the sponsors and I attended as the only representative.

JUNE:

Poland road trip with my mom. Drove over 700 miles between Warsaw, Krakow, Auschwitz, Wroclaw, Poznan and Gdansk. Every town was adorable and Auschwitz was heartbreaking but a must see.

JULY:

Taos and Santa Fe, NM for 4th of July. 

Birmingham, MI for Demi’s 3rd birthday and meeting new nephew Luka.

AUGUST:

Portugal road trip for our 4 year wedding anniversary.

SEPTEMBER:

Rock climb with Mary at Redmond, OR.

OCTOBER:

Minneapolis, MN for work training where I did an ESG presentation.

Cabo, Mexico for Pearl and Owen’s wedding.

Scottsdale, AZ for Elizabeth and Jeff’s wedding.

NOVEMBER:

Nashville, TN for a conference where I was the only Barr Engineering representative.

Flagstaff, AZ for Thanksgiving with Kevin’s family: his dad, Justin and (very pregnant) Vanessa.

DECEMBER:

Houston for Christmas with the family. We had a flight back to Denver scheduled for Dec 26 on Southwest but after a winter storm a few days prior to the date, SW cancelled almost all of their flights. It was chaos, we couldn’t find a flight back on any airline until 3 days later so we decided last minute to rent a pickup truck and drive 15 hours from Houston to Denver. And so glad we did because SW kept cancelling flights days later and our luggage would probably be lost.

The times I wasn’t traveling but stayed in Denver were memorable:

   1. Danny Elfman’s music from the films of Tim Burton

   2. Marijuana Mansion tour for my birthday.

   3. Denver Derby was back, and I created a gnome themed hat!

   4. Hosted adorable girls tea party at Babe’s Tea Room.

   5. Had 90s nostalgia with Kate at the F.R.I.E.N.D.S set

   6. I hosted Elizabeth’s bachelorette celebration

   7. Best of all, our annoying neighbors got two adorable kittens this year and they started hanging out in our front yard a lot. They would come visit us every day that we started buying cat toys, catnip and snacks. After a few months, the cats now hangout inside the house and we consider ourselves co-owners.

We finished big renovations in the house:

The back parlor was completely renovated (floors, roof, ceilings, electrical, walls).

Front porch concrete and posts redone.

New front door.

The outside of the house repainted.

I think we are finally done with house upgrades. 2023 will be the first year of just regular maintenance and no more weekends of long hours at Home Depot.

Baby news!

My brother and Tracey had their healthy baby boy Luka on May 19, 2022.

Kevin’s brother Justin and Vanessa got pregnant with a boy, due in February 2023.

Last but not least WORLD CUP MADNESS. It was a bit strange to have World Cup games in November/December but it brought a lot of fun exciting times even though Netherlands ended up losing against Argentina. The dutch boys fought to the end, 2-2, going to penalty kicks -where they never win on penalties UGH the curse-  but the game was rated top 3 most exciting games of the WC. Watched probably 80% of all games, I even took days off from work to just watch games all day, can’t wait for Euro Cup! #futbolislife

We ended the New Years celebrating with Elizabeth and Jeff. And after-party with Dylan and Holly. Too much fun. Grateful for these friendships <3

Our 2022 Adventures recap video:

[phantomoftheshoppera]

I posted 12,651 times in 2022

That's 4,361 more posts than 2021!

393 posts created (3%)

12,258 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@a-disgusted-green-dorito

@retroactivebakeries

@dreg-heap

@testosterone-wizard

@theflirtmeister

I tagged 469 of my posts in 2022

#judge dredd - 21 posts

#dracula daily - 10 posts

#andor - 10 posts

#warhammer 40k - 10 posts

#doctor strange - 10 posts

#dungeon meshi - 8 posts

#mysterio - 8 posts

#doctor doom - 6 posts

#venom - 6 posts

#house of leaves - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#i would believe 2 guys being sweet to each other in the fucking trenches as the bombs are falling rather than it happening in a secondary

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

When you’re researching the origins of the Disney Channel theme and stumble across a bunch of PSAs of child actors talking about 9/11 

524 notes - Posted November 22, 2022

#4

Dracula: yeah just go ahead and prepare letters saying you're already on your way home, that's normal here. If you could mention wolves biting you or being about to die of natural causes in the last one that'd be SUPER normal and helpful, thank you.

832 notes - Posted May 19, 2022

#3

Seinfeld, The Baby Shower (1991) 

Ivan the Terrible and His Son Ivan on 16 November 1581 (1883 - 1885)

2,930 notes - Posted October 1, 2022

#2

Jonathan Harker: Yes, I suppose it's quite normal for a businessman in London to have multiple solicitors.

Dracula: Good. I am normal. Johnny my guy, I am so fucking normal. I am going to get a good grade at being a normal British business man. *skitters away in a manner not unlike a lizard*

4,085 notes - Posted May 12, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Diversity win! The evil company that does brain surgery on its employees has gender neutral bathrooms.

4,412 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[perfectlightbouquet]

Great News! My Party Box Now Offers Great Discounts on Its Party Planners for Last Quarter Of 2022

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It doesn't matter if it's a children’s birthday party, a graduation party, bachelor/bachelorette party, a baby shower, a gender reveal, a success party, a bridal party, a Christmas party a private party or any other party, My Party Box is always ready with the best things that promise to brighten the event. Whether it is grown-ups or kids, any themed party that employs the services of this awesome and impressive party supplies company gets the best party in town. My Party Box is, essentially, equipped with every party box and party decor that turns the party into a breathtaking gala.

"My Party Box has years of expertise in giving people not just what they want but also what they need. We are a one-stop shop for all kinds of themed and private/exclusive parties. Entertain guests and provide them with the most comfort with our Christmas Party Box, Frozen Party Box, Easter Party Box, Rainbow Party Box, Construction Party Box and many other theme boxes that will make your invitees remember your event for a long, long time. Subscribe today and get 5% off for your FIRST order. Moreover, you also get free shipping on orders over $100.00 (excluding Balloon Bouquet Products Range). Our special infusions? Tremendous amount of love and thoughtfulness. Call us today!", said an excited owner of My Party Box.

About: My Party Box is a theme based party supplies company that provides decor items for all kinds of parties, right from children to grown-ups.

For more information, please visit https://www.mypartybox.co.nz/

Media Contact: Address: 7 Bowmore Close, Flat Bush, Auckland Phone Number: 021-1819990 Email Id: info@mypartybox.co.nz Website: https://www.mypartybox.co.nz/

###

[reflectionsnovember]

Last Night, I dreamt that I went to Madrid, and the Concierge Didn't See Me.

I was with my cousin, and her husband. The concierge carried some bags up for us, and proceeded to ask one by one if we need anything from the room service catalogue. (Now, I don't know if hotels in Madrid really work like this, but bear with me��– it's just a dream.) She asked my cousin, then her husband, then... no one. As I looked eagerly up at her waiting my turn to ask for a bottle of water, she didn't even process my presence, and bode the other two farewell. I felt invisible. But, like I said. It was just a dream.

8:00 AM. I turn on my work computer before heading down to the kitchen to make my morning coffee. Already a barrage of IMs from my boss. This needs to be done. That wasn't done right. Do this, this, this, that. I don't even start work until 9.

So I make my coffee, read a bit. "How to Win Friends and Influence People." A Dale Carnegie classic. I've read it a million times, now. I gaze through the open window and inhale the crisp November air. At 9 I respond to the IMs. I take my morning meeting. And before I know it, I sit in front of the mirror, and I cry. And cry. And cry. I hate feeling invisible. It was just a dream, right?

But... was it? I've been feeling invisible a lot, as of late. Outside of the dream world. I've been feeling like people don't see me. Don't talk to me. Don't notice me. I smile faintly at the cashier, it goes ignored. I make small talk, I get a word back. Uninterested. I have to be doing something wrong, right? Or is this just ...me?

It's strange. It wasn't always like this. I distinctly remember a time when I was more accustomed to being social. When I could strike up conversation with anyone. Where anyone would strike up conversation with me, unprompted. I could barely go out for a quick coffee without getting roped into a good conversation. I loved it, but I didn't realize how much. It made me feel alive, seen, welcome in this world. And I took it for granted.

Over the years, have I become a shell of what I once was? Have I lost some inadvertent, inviting warmth that allowed people to see me? Because now, no one does. The guest at the baby shower bids all three of the people next to me farewell, one by one. I know him. For ages. I spoke to him briefly, earlier. Asked him how he was and tried my hand at some small talk. But he doesn't even look at me as he makes his goodbye rounds, even though I'm right next to the others. The barista talks to my significant other while I stand there quietly. The waitress at dinner later, she checks in periodically on him, her back to me. He hadn't spoken to her any more or less than I had when ordering. The lovely stranger on the street strikes up conversation with my cousin and her husband (yes, the ones from the dream), ends it with "God bless both of you". Did I imagine my own presence, alongside them? Nodding along and smiling, taking in her sudden, zealous story as much as they were?

So, yes. Madrid might have been a dream. But my insecurity is real. And it's loud. Invisibility is a theme that I can't seem to shed from my life. I feel alienated. Detached from everything. And it hurts, a lot.

11 AM. Back to my desk. This feeling will poke through my mind while I try to stay put and work. It'll linger faintly all day, like the effect of a passerby wearing unpleasant, too-potent cologne on the hottest summer day. And when I go to bed at the end of the night, it'll penetrate, wash over me, until I fall into a restless sleep, blanketed by my loneliness.

And I'll start the next morning, invisible, again.

Work. Rest. Repeat.

[let-me-luve-you]

Trip to the North Pole

Dad!Jensen x Reader

SPN Christmas Bingo 2020

Summary: Jensen promises his children to go see Santa.

Warnings: Angst, Workaholic Jensen, some fluff

MASTERLIST

SPN Christmas Bingo 2020

Jensen didn’t plan on being busy during the months of November and December. He had finished filming a movie at the very beginning of December. He was recording for his new album. He was working for his new production company and trying to bring in two new shows. He rarely spent time with his family. 

You tried to include Jensen in the family Christmas activities, but he just couldn’t find time. You were surprised he could find time to eat and sleep. So far he missed putting up the Christmas lights, picking out a tree and decorating it, making Christmas cookies and candies, and he missed the family slumber party where you gave the kids their Christmas pajamas and watched a Christmas movie.

Jensen begged you to wait on taking the kids to see Santa. Hadley was 4, the twins Tristan and Raelyn were 2, and Lyndon was 3 months. He had missed seeing Santa in the past due to filming for Supernatural, but he didn’t want to miss this year. It was a week before Christmas, and Jensen still hadn’t taken the kids to see Santa at the mall.

“Jensen babe, the kids keep asking when they get to go see Santa. They’re afraid they won’t get anything if they don’t see him.” You said as you walked into the office.

“I promise I’ll take them. I just have meetings all day today and tomorrow. I’ll take them this weekend.” Jensen said. You sighed.

“We can’t. We are going to my family this weekend, remember?” You looked at him as his head fell.

“I forgot. I’ll take them right when we get back Sunday.” He said as he stood up and walked up to you. He kissed your head and then walked back to his desk. You walked out of the room to go break the news to your kids. 

“Hey bubs and bubettes, Daddy will take you this weekend when we get back from Grams and Pops house.” You said as they all stopped playing and looked at you. They looked so defeated because they were hoping to go today. “I promise babies. Daddy will take you Sunday.” 

They smiled at you and then moved on to continue playing with their toys. You moved to the kitchen to start working on dinner. You occasionally looked up at the children and would smile as they talked with each other and would laugh. Jensen was missing out on so much and he didn’t even know it.

Sunday morning came and the kids ran into your room and jumped on your bed. 

“Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Wake up! We get to see Santa today!” Tristan yelled as he shook you awake. His two sisters bouncing up and down next to him. You smiled at them. You turned your head to where your husband normally lays and his side was empty. You internally sighed knowing he was already working. 

“Okay. Okay. I’m up. Let’s turn on a movie for you to watch as Mommy gets Lyndon fed and ready and gets herself ready. What do you want to watch? Frosty the Snowman or Rudolph?”

“RUDOLPH!” All three yelled. You smiled and put the movie on the tv. You walked to Lyndon’s room and saw him lying awake in his crib.

“Hi baby. How are you this morning?” You cooed at him. He smiled big showing off his gums. “Is my baby boy hungry?” You said as you unbutton the first few buttons of Jensen’s shirt you were wearing. Lyndon latched on to your breast and started eating. You walked down the hall to Jensen’s office as he fed. 

Jensen didn’t look up as you walked in. You watched him from the doorway. His eyebrows set in a frown as he pushed his fingers into his temples to release some pressure. You knew he had been working hard on all his projects. Sometimes he put too much of himself in his work. You walked towards him. He finally looked up at you and smiled. He pushed himself away from the desk and pulled you and your youngest son down in his lap.

“You amaze me everyday.” He said as he kissed your shoulder and then looked at his son. He gently put his hand on Lyndon’s head and moved his thumb softly against his hair. “I’m so lucky to call you my wife and their father.” 

You smiled at him, “I’m the lucky one.” You leaned over and kissed him. “They are lucky to have you as a father. Someone who works so hard so they can live the best possible life. Someone who cares and listens to them. They love you so much.”

“They won’t after I break this horrible news to them.” He sighed. “I messed up Y/N/N. I.. I waited too long. Santa isn’t at the mall anymore.” He looked defeated. You couldn’t imagine how he was feeling. He was trying so hard to be the perfect husband, father, and worker. “They are going to be so disappointed.”

“Hey. It’s okay. We can figure something out.” You were internally upset. If he would have just set a little time aside, this wouldn’t be a problem, but you also know how hard he was working to provide for his family. Lyndon finished eating and pulled away. Jensen reached for Lyndon and the burp towel on your shoulder. He started patting him on the back. You fixed your shirt back. 

“I’m going to go shower and get ready and then get the kids ready. You figure something out. I’ll tell them we are seeing Santa tonight.” You said. “Is Lyndon good to stay with you?” Jensen nodded as he held his son close to his chest as he fell asleep. 

“Yeah I got him. Little man can help me brainstorm.” He smiled at you. You walked out of the room.

Jensen watched his son sleep. Guilt filling his body as he thinks about his kids not seeing Santa this year. He grabbed his phone and dialed Jared’s number. He listened to it ring a few times before he heard a hello.

“Man I messed up. The kids will hate me.” He said quietly so he wouldn’t disturbed the sleeping baby.

“What? They won’t hate you Jense.” Jared replied. “Hadley adores you, Tristan looks up to you, and Raelyn thinks you are the greatest thing to walk this earth. And I know you are the only one, besides Y/N, that Lyndon will calm down for. Nothing will make them hate you.”

“I promised them we’d go see Santa. I begged Y/N to let me take them this year. I waited too long because I’ve had so many meetings and studio sessions. The mall doesn’t have Santa anymore.” Jensen sighed. Jared heard the defeated tone when Jensen spoke. He sighed knowing how much the kids were looking forward to it. His kids loved seeing Santa.

“Shit man, I’m sorry. What’s your plan now?” Jared asked.

“I don’t know. Hoping maybe you had an idea.” Jensen said hopefully.

“I have one.” Jensen heard a voice. “We decorated the outside in a North Pole theme.” Gen said. “Who wants to dress up as Santa? Jared?” Jared nodded and then said sure.

“I mean Jensen did promise his kids he would be there.” Jared said. “How about this. Bring the kids by around 6. They can see Santa and then we can grab dinner together and drive the kids around to see the Christmas lights.”

“Jare, that’s a great idea. Is that okay with you Gen?” Jensen asked. Hope filled his chest.

“That sounds like a perfect night. Is Y/N going to be okay with it?” Gen asked.

Jensen kissed Lyndon’s head as he started to whimper. “Shh. It’s okay little man.” he said quietly to his son, but Jared and Gen heard and smiled. “Yeah she’ll be okay with it. See you at 6.” He said as he hung up with his best friends.

Later that night, with the kids dressed up in their Christmas sweaters buckled into their car seats, Jensen pulled the suburban into Jared’s driveway. 

“Why are we at Uncle Jared’s?” Hadley asked. 

You turned towards her, “We are going to see Santa.” Your kids looked confused as Jensen got out and opened the back door to help the kids get out of their carseats. You got Lyndon out and carried him around the car to stand by Jensen. All four kids were looking around in awe at the decorations. You noticed they added more decorations from the last time you were here. And that was four days ago.

“This place looks amazing!” Raelyn yelled. Tristan grabbed Jensen’s hand and started to bounce.

“I’m so excited. Let’s go find Santa.” Tristan said as he pulled Jensen’s hand. Hadley and Raelyn followed.

Gen walked up dressed in a Christmas sweater with her three kids following. “Who is excited to see Santa?” She asked with enthusiasm. All six yelled as the baby just cooed. Gen led the group to the giant chair where you saw Jared dressed as a Santa. You stifled your laugh since the kids didn’t see that it was their Uncle Jared.

“HO HO HO! Merry Christmas little ones.” Jared said in a deep voice. “Who’s up first?” All the kids lifted their hands. All the adults laughed.

“Daddy. Can I go first?” Raelyn asked quietly. Jensen nodded as he watched his youngest daughter walk over to Santa hesitantly before she turned and ran to Jensen crying. “Daddy I don’t want to.” Jensen wrapped his arms around her. He nodded at Gen to let her kids go first.

“It’s okay baby girl. Santa won’t hurt you.” He whispered as she hid in his chest. Raelyn being scared made Tristan and Hadley timid. “You’ve seen Santa before. He’s nice.” He ran his hand over her hair trying to calm her down. “Hadley, do you want to go?” She nodded. 

Jensen watched Hadley walk up to Santa. He smiled down at her and picked her up to set him in his lap. Jensen turned back to his youngest. He pulled her face away from his chest and wiped away her tears. “Daddy, I’m scared.” She said with more tears falling down her face and bottom lip sticking out. 

“I’ve got you. Daddy won’t let anything happen to you.” Jensen said as he picked her up and stood up to his full height. “I promise you nothing will hurt you. You don’t have to be scared.” He turned Raelyn to see Hadley hopping down from Santa’s lap and saw Tristan crawling up talking Santa’s ear off. “See baby. Hadley did it. Tristan is doing it.” 

“It’s not scary at all Rae. I did it. He smells just like Uncle Jared.” She said. Gen heard and laughed. “I’ll go with you. Come on.” She reached for Raelyn’s hand as Jensen sat her down. Hadley tried to lead her to Santa. 

“I want Daddy to come with me.” She looked up at him. He nodded and walked with her. He turned to see you watching with love in your eyes. Tristan and Hadley stood next to you. Jensen pointed at Lyndon and curled his finger as saying ‘bring him here.’ You handed Lyndon off and went back to your other children. 

“Hi Raelyn.” Santa said. “What can I get you for Christmas?” Raelyn looked scared but then pulled Santa’s head down to her level as she whispered. Jensen strained to hear but he couldn’t. “That’s an awfully nice gift. I will see what I can do. Is there anything else you want?” Raelyn shook her head. 

Before she could hop off Santa’s lap, you walked up with your other two children. “Picture time everybody.” Hadley and Tristan crawled into Santa’s lap. Somehow all fitting. Jared reached for Lyndon and held him as Jensen took a step back and watched as you grabbed a few photos of the kids with Santa. They all hopped down and ran to play with Gen’s kids. You pushed Jensen towards Jared. “I’m not missing out on this opportunity. Go sit in Santa’s lap and I’ll get a picture.” 

Jensen groaned as Jared laughed. Jared handed off Lyndon to Gen before turning to Jensen and saying, “Come here adult child and tell me what you want for Christmas.” Jensen rolled his eyes but sat on Jared’s lap anyways. Both smiled for the camera. “Raelyn wants to spend more time with you. That’s what she whispered in my ear.” Jared said quietly to Jensen. Jensen looked down at him. Pain filled his chest as he felt he failed his children. 

He got up and walked away for a second to gather himself before walking back to the group. You looked at him in worry but he shook off your look and walked to the kids. “Come on kids. It’s me and you tonight while Mom, Aunt Gen, and Uncle Jared figure out where we are going for dinner. Let’s go walk around the yard to see all the lights.” Jensen grabbed Raelyn and put her on his shoulders, holding onto her legs. She smiled and wrapped her tiny arms around his head and neck to hold on.

Jared filled you in on the conversation, but when you looked over at Jensen, he was laughing and smiling at spending time with his children. You knew that this wasn’t the typical Santa meet and greet the kids, or Jensen, wanted, but you knew this was going to be a night to remember. One that also causes Jensen to take more breaks from work.

[bae-science]

it’s t-t-t-t-time for another newt bae-science fic rec extravabonanza! same rules, same boys, same bullshit! let’s get into it:

a beginning; a second chance by @dykesword

other newt and i have a long and intricate ritualistic battle to become the alpha newt, but i gotta give credit where it’s due. if you like to annotate your books for fun, this fic will give you a looooong comment you’ll want to write, and for good reason! there’s a lot of really well done metaphor and character detail in here, while still keeping a very soft, melancholy but with a hopeful edge tone. and also, like, the care and detail in which newt’s mental state in the aftermath of the precursors’ abuse is depicted is so so good, and delightful to read

husbandly duties by @kingeiszler

i am soooo biased with this one bc technically it was made for me but GODDAMN it’s good. this shit has everything: gottlieb trio sibling dynamics, vanessa in giant femme earrings, hermann yearning, newt and karla infodumping together, newt’s terrible and accurate gaydar, gay crime, the newmann dynamic and why it works boiled down to its bare essentials, pride and prejudice glasses touch, and neon green acrylics. required reading for the vanessaverse

Say That Again by @robertfrobisherslover

WOOF. if you like mutual pining and lack of communication from men with rocks for their emotional processing centers, and guncle (gay uncle) newt and hermann and KILLER artsy sex scenes, and themes of words unsaid in a story about LANGUAGE..... oogoogogoogouhufug. the writing style is clear and well paced, i LOVE little mako’s scene she’s such a cutie, and there’s like. a line. that’s a play on the whole “it’s always been you” trope. that lives in my mind rent free forever.

speak right to my heart without saying a word by @thekaidonovskys

i’m just gonna paste the comment i left on it here, because that sums up what is so absolutely incredible about this fic the best:

so sometimes you stumble on a piece of fiction that you add to your little collection of stuff you would show a person if you wanted them to understand a part of you that you can't quite explain eloquently, or it would take too long, etc etc, and i've never really found something like that for my autism until now, which, like, poggers. and i'll be as straight up as i can while still being the biggest lesbian in the great state of ohio (not a hard feat but alan invented computers so i love continuing on the autistic tradition of being a living miracle), the chameleon effect hit me like a mack truck. catholic school in the deep south is the most potent and effective form of ABA therapy imaginable :/. so sometimes i wonder what i would be like if i didn't have such a strong ability to pass, and here's where we finally get to the part of this comment where i just vomit compliments at you: you nailed it. you got it. i don't know if you're on the spectrum, but either way, well fucking done. trauma therapy research talks a lot about healing fantasies, which are fantasies, usually in the form of daydreams, that abused/neglected/traumatized/etc people create that directly address a struggle they have and take the form of a scenario in which that struggle is helped in some way. it could be an abusive parent repenting and showering them with the love they never had, or someone finding them during a panic attack and somehow knowing how best to comfort them without having to ask, or being intimate with someone and having a scar or physical deformity they've been shamed for be given attention and care. and i think you have created the ultimate perfect healing fantasy for autistic people, or at least those with """"high functioning"""" autism. it has a character who is visibly and undeniably on the spectrum having the pain and trauma going through life like that causes being acknowledged and validated, they are purposefully paid attention to because person b genuinely likes them and wants to understand and respect who they are and how they function in the world, and thus get The Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known as well as the eventual rewards of being loved, person b makes a genuine effort to help teach them social skills in a way they can understand and learn through and is there for them when these skills are being practiced, their space and boundaries are respected but they aren't infantilized or thought of as an emotionless robot, and they receive love and comfort on their own terms not despite of but because of who they are, even specifically being asked not to change the way they are because that way is lovable. they are openly desired. writing is my fucking JOB and it's still difficult to put into words how much you got 100000% right about the dream with this fic. i have been in the EXACT and i mean EXACT same situation as hermann when he asked newt if it was his personality itself that made people not like him, because i deadass made a spreadsheet of all my personality attributes i thought could be preventing me from making friends in college, and then asked my fellow nd friend to see if there was anything i was missing. so i guess what i'm trying to say is that this amazing, and i'm bookmarking it and putting it on my next fic rec post, and maybe one day way way in the future if i ever get a partner i want to explain the whole autism thing to, i'm gonna have them read this.

The Facts With Newton Geiszler, PhD by what_alchemy (NSFW)

storytime: i read this fic a few years ago, completely forgot the title and author, and ended up thinking about the part where hermann admits to having fucked a trailer hitch when he was a teenager, at least once a week. last november, i say to my friend samara on twitter, head of the BSHCU (buttslut hermann cinematic universe), hey this seems like something you’d have read, do you remember a fic where... and samara says FUCK i do know what you’re talking about lemme find it. so if the fact that i have been looking for this fic for like, two years, and that it contains a moment so iconic all i had to say is, “hermann says he fucked a trailer hitch” and she IMMEDIATELY knew what i was talking about, does not convince you to read this... go back to catholic school i guess.

Feeling Blue by TempusPetrichor

fics where newt goes back to work as a biologist, especially a xenobiologist, post pru are really interesting, and usually have something neat to say about recovery, how it isn’t linear, how it often involves us returning to things we love for comfort, etc. this one sure does! some good emotional and physical h/c, LOVE the use of the ghost drift, and it’s always fun to see post pru fics use dialogue very obviously taken from dbt, trauma-specific therapeutical texts, and anything that shows the author has experience with, or did their research on, ptsd therapies.

You’re Everyone That Ever Cared by KlavierWrites

you know a fic is good when it’s an only 9k slowburn and still manages to reach infinite regress levels of are you fucking KIDDING GO TO THERAPY. newt “acts of service” geiszler may have a little misplaced misogyny due to his broken woman-centric gaydar. as a treat. the fucking. post-drift scene where hermann subtextually screams “LOOK IN OUR BRAINS YOU FUCK I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU I JUST HAVE AUTISM AND CAREER IN STEM DISORDER” is soooooo. god just hermann in general in that scene is great. if you like classic mid 2010s era newmann, ghost drift romance, and good ole mutual pining, this is a treat.

Baby, You're Hotter than my Bunsen Burner by SkySongMA

moronosexual hermann representation is something that can actually be so personal

Times of Stress by RadioMoth

the boys are processinggggggg. man what a good, quick and powerful punch to the gut. if you like post-pr1 catharsis and physical h/c, AND are the one friend that likes to comment at the end of the movie that hey newt got beat the fuck UP, check this one out.

black tea by @faggotcas

okay first of all, god fucking tier url, lee. second of all, food as a love language is my SHIT. i love the very slow relationship development here, where you see them making a genuine effort to get along and that in turn leading to feelings reigniting. it’s such a sweet little moment of a fic, with a nice atmosphere and tone to fit it

now here’s the part where i usually drop my latest fic, but i haven’t written one this month because i’ve been busy launching an audio drama! you can find it here, it’ll be right up your alley if you like cryptids and gay scientists and enemies to lovers and good ole americana, but since this is a newmann post, i’m gonna recommend the pacific rim audio drama duology i did a while back! part one is called conversations from the brink, and it’s a little slice of the pr3 we better fucking get from streaming that godawful looking anime. love and lesbians to everyone ❤️

[namluve]

you had always been a part of the plastics and he was born on the wrong side of town. what happens when your worlds collide, and you realize that he is the only one in your life that’s not fake? 

paring: jungkook x reader

genre: 90′s AU, high school AU (both are 18), fwb to lovers, smut, fluff, angst

rating: mature, 18+

warnings: explicit language, jungkook has an alcoholic abusive father, alcohol consumption, switch!jungkook, switch!reader, sub/dom themes, noona kink, protected sex, unprotected sex, fingering, oral f receiving, face sitting, praise, blindfolding, dirty talk, manhandling, slight degradation, miscommunication that leads to lowkey unhealthy relationship

word count: 13k

note: first of all, I would like to thank @spicykoreantatertots​ for helping me with developing and editing this story. I can’t thank Hannah enough for all her help. secondly, I want to thank @joopiterjoon​ for always supporting me and helping me, especially with this fic. can’t wait to share the sequel once it’s done as well!

11 November 1991

Walking down the school’s hallway you sigh as you approach your group of friends. The four girls wave at you as you approach them. You smile quickly at them, thinking about the day you would have with them. Talk about boys. Complain about your parents. Discuss the latest fashion and of course, find some kind of way to bully you without it being too obvious. Ask where you found those shoes, if you had any cake for dinner last night and if you actually went through with the workout the five of you were supposed to do. Yep, just another day in your life. Wishing the week could swish by so you could have some alone time by the weekend. 

Well, maybe not all alone you think as you see Jungkook leaning against his locker, talking with his two best friends Jimin and Taehyung. Jungkook is a piece of work but at least he is honest with you. All you were to him was a booty call at 1 AM and frankly, you would not have it any other way.

“Oh ‘____’, we were just discussing this week’s exercises. I expect this weekend went well for you since you never reached out to us?” Tiffany chippered and you smiled, you had to play your part.

“It was so much fun! Especially the crunches, they got easier every day!” You exclaim and your group of friends seem happy with your response. The bell rang, thankfully, and the five of you began walking to class. Oh, did you long for college, a way out of this hell hole of a town. Away from the plastic bitches that were supposed to be your friends. The only thing all of you had in common was being the daughters of wealthy families living in the same neighborhood. God, you wish you could just move away from them. Only ten months left and that would be your reality.

“I can’t believe how you go by your days without having an alcohol problem.” You knew exactly what Jungkook was referring to, if anyone hated your friends equally as much as you, it was Jungkook.

“I feel like I’m soon gonna have to start day drinking,” you say, joining Jungkook, leaning against the wall with him. Meeting him outside after school hours was a common thing between the two of you. No one was around, besides the nerds in the library but it was not like they would tell anyone about the two of you meeting. 

“Let me know if you do, could need a drink myself,” you always appreciated Jungkook’s honesty, how he never once bullshitted you, no matter how ugly the truth was.

“Your dad?” He nodded at your question, sighing as he extinguished the cigarette in his hand on the wall that his back rested on. He knew he did not have to say anything else. You knew about his abusing father and he appreciated how he never had to explain himself to you. You understood him.

“Isn’t he supposed to go on a business trip this week?” He smiled slightly at you. You had remembered what he said last time the two of you met.

“Yeah… but not until tomorrow. His plane leaves in the evening. So… I wanted to ask you for a favour.” Turning towards you, he leaned against the wall sideways, putting his head against the wall and looking at you with his bunny eyes.

“No. We nearly got caught the last time you spent the night at my place.”

“Come on. I promise we won’t get caught this time either. You weren’t exactly quiet baby, you know?” So… he is trying to pin it on you even though he was the one who started it all? Not on your watch.

“It wasn’t me who couldn’t keep their hands to themselves.”

“Come on baby, I don’t wanna fight. I just want to spend the night at yours.” Stepping in front of you, Jungkook meets your gaze, looking at you lovingly, winning you over more every second. He knew you loved the nickname he had for you. Baby, it rolled so easily off his tongue and he knew the effect it had on you. Taking your hands in his he took a step closer, leaning his forehead against yours.

“I just want to sleep in your bed with you, my arms wrapped around you, your heat warming up my cold body. Your hair sprawled out on your pillow…” as Jungkook softly spoke to you, he gently pushed back your hair behind your ear before continuing, “your face in a pout as you sleep that I always wanna kiss away.” 

Jungkook’s words affected you more than you wanted, they always did. He always had you at the palm of his hand, wrapped around his finger.

“Ugh fine, but you have to sing me to sleep.” 

Leaning down he kissed you briefly, knowing the two of you were still out in public. “Anything for you.” Jungkook softly murmerd. 

Things like this made you wonder if there was something more than just sex between you and Jungkook. The two of you were not really exclusive and you knew he brought home different girls every week while you went on dates with guys your friends set you up with. They rarely led to anything more than that. The few times you had actually slept with them, they were all disappointments, none of them knowing your body like Jungkook did. 

In the evening, you tidied up your room, as you waited for Jungkook to arrive. Suddenly, a small stone hit your window and you knew it was Jungkook waiting to be let inside. Opening the window, you saw how Jungkook began climbing up the garage to reach your window. Throwing his backpack inside your room before he climbed in himself you took a moment to really look at him. Hair long and messy, parted in the middle, shoes dirty, brown oversized jacket that he probably got from his father slightly ripped on his left arm. He was not from a family of wealth, unlike you.

“You really have to let me buy you a new jacket.” You sigh as you move over to sit on your bed again, and he laughs.

“Nah, that would be too suspicious. Also, can’t take away all that money that probably needs to go to the latest bags that’ll come out soon.”

Groaning, you put your head back against the bed frame. “Ugh, don’t remind me of next week. Still can’t believe we have to buy matching bags as if we’re fucking ten years old or something.” This was Hanna’s idea and it was probably the stupidest thing to ever come out of her mouth. To be fair though, nothing smart ever came out of it either so.

“I’m just gonna wash up. Then we can go to bed,” Jungkook announced as he took off his jacket and threw it on his bag. He always showered when he came over to yours, never missing the chance to shower in actual hot water with nice soaps and shampoos.

“Don’t take too long.” You say as he brushes past you to go to your bathroom. Having your own bathroom connected to your bedroom was probably the most luxurious thing you had, according to Jungkook.

“Wouldn’t keep my girl waiting.” He said before closing the bathroom door. My girl. It was something that Jungkook had started to call you not long ago. The thing you had going on-- had been going on for over a year-- on and off, but for the last two months the two of you had been meeting every week. Neither of you knew what this meant and did not dwell on it. Enjoying each other’s company was enough for the two of you. 

Brushing your hair, you decided to put it up in a scrunchie before laying down on your bed. Shortly after, Jungkook was done with his shower and joined you in bed. Smelling like strawberries he began to quietly hum something in your ear as he drew you closer to him. Your back against his chest, his arms around you. You fell asleep fast that night, feeling safe in Jungkook’s arms. He waited until you had fallen asleep to admire your features once more before falling asleep as well. This was the first of many times the two of you shared a bed without having sex.

18 December 1991

“What do you wish for Christmas?”

“For the last time Jungkook, I’m not letting you buy me a Christmas present.” The two of you sat in his bedroom, doing some homework while his father was away and his mother at the store. For a whole week Jungkook had been trying to figure out what you wanted for Christmas, but you were not budging. Not one bit.

“It could be anything, it doesn’t have to be something I have to buy for you, if you are worried about the money.” 

Sighing, you let your textbook fall to the floor. “You really don’t have to.”

This you made very clear. He did not owe you anything and you did not owe him anything either. Although, you had already got him a Christmas gift. You saw it as your only chance to get the boy a proper jacket that was not ripped everywhere.

“I know but I want to give you something.” As he emphasized the want you realized there might be something more between the two of you. Something the two of you left unspoken as Jungkook went over to your place for the second time this week without any intentions of sleeping with you.

“A fantasy you wish to come true? Come on baby, you know I won’t judge nor that I would find it gross or anything. Most likely I’m more into it than you.” This was a fact, Jungkook was kinkier than you but not by much. There were some things you wanted to try but felt weird to ask about when the sex the two of you had was already good. Jungkook would dominate you and have you in any way he pleased while giving you tremendous amounts of praise. You loved it, but sometimes you wondered how it would be to dominate him. Have him crumble in your hands, blindfolded, not knowing what would happen next.

“Come on baby, I can see that you are thinking about it. Just tell me.” Urging you to tell him, Jungkook scooted closer to where you were sitting, a smirk on his lips.

“Maybe I could be in charge for once? Just to try it out?” You hesitantly suggested, searching Jungkook’s face to try and see his reaction. To your surprise Jungkook shrugged and leaned back against his bed.

“Sure, why not?” Smiling shyly, you were happy that Jungkook is agreeing to it, even though, so far, he had been the most dominant man you had been with in bed. Maybe he was different with others, you thought.

“Although…” Jungkook began. “You are probably the most submissive person I’ve ever met, so I have quite a hard time imagining it.”

“Oh really?” You said as you start crawling towards him. You needed to prove your point now, your competitive side needing to show him you could be dominant towards him. As you reach him across the floor, you straddle him, putting your arms around his neck. An amusing smirk pinned on his face as he watches you struggle to figure out what to do next. Usually, Jungkook would have told you to do something by now, but here he was, quiet, letting you take charge.

“I think…” You began, losing your trail of thought, feeling slightly overwhelmed with the situation.

“I think I need to tie you up.” You say a bit more confidently, biting your lip.

“Then get a tie from my drawer.” Jungkook tells you and you hop off him in order to find a tie in his drawer. Even when you were the one in charge, he called the shots. Coming back with the tie, you looked nervously at Jungkook who smiled widely at you as he got up from the floor.

“Where do you want me?” He asked and you thought about it for a second.

“On the bed, take off your shirt and pants.” Biting his lip, barely believing what you were saying, Jungkook complied with your order, taking off his clothes. Eager to see what you had in mind for him.

“Yes ma’am.” He said as he laid down on the bed. You joined him, sitting down beside his head, trying to figure out how to tie his hands to the bed. Jungkook saw your hesitation and sat up, taking your hands and the tie in his.

“I’ll show you how to do it, and you just have to do the same, okay?” Reassuring you, seeing you relax a bit, he showed you how to tie the tie around one of his hands. The knot seemed fairly simple you thought.

“Lay down.” Jungkook did as you said, and you took the tie around the bed frame, bringing it back to his other hand and tying the tie around his other wrist. Jungkook tugged on his hands slightly and when you saw that he was getting nowhere, you relaxed for a bit. Taking off your pants, you positioned yourself on top of him. Your clothed pussy above his half hard dick. Staring down at him, you were mesmerized by his abs. Boy did his workout pay off. You could sit endlessly and trace his chest and abdomen, so that is what you did.

“Noona…” Jungkook grunted after a while, growing harder with every second as you touched him in any way that pleased you. It was a nickname you had not heard in a while. In the beginning, he used it to tease you because you were a few months older than him. now it had a whole different meaning and oh did you love how it sounded when it came out of his mouth like a prayer.

“Yes?”

“Please kiss me.” Reaching down you captured his lips in a sweet kiss that soon enough grew heavier. You missed Jungkook’s hands all over your body but soon enough you remembered it was not the time for that now and you began planning what to do next. Jungkook felt when you began grinding on him, and he was happy his tactics worked. Kissing always made you relax and that was what he was after. He needed you to relax so you could enjoy this as much as he did. Feeling him grow even harder underneath you made you whimper, loving the way his dick felt beneath you. Jungkook moaned as you sat up and grinded down hard on him.

“Noona please… will you touch me?”

“Not yet, patience.” Taking off your top, leaving yourself in only your underwear, you continued to grind on Jungkook, earning a quiet moan from him. You wanted more. More specifically, you wanted his mouth on your clit. There was only one way that would happen in this position with him tied up. 

You would have to ride his face, something you had only done once before when you were drunk. Remembering how good it felt was all the motivation you needed to set your plan in motion. Pulling off your underwear while still sitting on Jungkook proved to be a challenge but eventually you got it off.

“Take off your bra too Noona, wanna see your tits.” Shaking your head at Jungkook’s words, you began to crawl your way upwards.

“Not yet, wanna ride your face first.” Jungkook hissed at your words, barely believing his ears. He had wanted you to ride his face again ever since that night you took one to many vodka shots and ended up sitting on his face.

“Fuck… please ride me Noona. I promise I’ll make you feel good.” Clenching upon hearing his words, you eagerly placed yourself above his face, holding the bed frame for support as you began lowering yourself down on him. Jungkook met you halfway, too eager to have to wait any more and you let out a deep moan as he licked your wet slit. You continued lowering yourself until Jungkook’s head rested against the pillow again, slowly grinding yourself on his tongue as he laid it out flat for you to ride. 

Your moans got louder as you approached your release and Jungkook took notice. Flicking his tongue fast against your clit as your movements slowed down. With legs shaking on either side of Jungkook’s face, you came. Your vision blurred, head a bit dizzy as you got off Jungkook and sat beside him on the bed. Looking at him tied up against the bed, breathing uneven, lips red and puffy you wanted nothing more than to kiss him, so you did. You tasted yourself on his lips as you softly made out with him before pulling away and releasing his hands from the bed frame.

“Had your fun baby?” He asked you, smiling, rubbing his wrists for a bit. You nodded and smiled back at him. It was better than you could have imagined. Never did you think you would find the courage to sit on his face again. You were afraid he would suffocate somehow and had always declined when he had asked. Of course, Jungkook never pushed you and let it go every single time. Finally, he got to have you ride his face again.

“Want me to take charge?” As you answered his question ‘yes’ he got on top of you, pushing you down towards the bed. Kissing you desperately and grinding himself against your wet core. He was almost painfully hard at this point.

“Feel what you do to me baby? You were such a good girl when you were in charge, made me so hard.” He whispered in your ear as he began to kiss your neck, leaving a few marks here and there until he found the spot that made you let out a moan. 

“Want me to make you feel even better? Want me to fill up that pretty little pussy of yours?” His hands found their way around to your back. He unclasped your bra, taking it swiftly off as he began to palm your breasts with one of his hands, the other supporting him so he could lay above you.

“Please.” You pleaded and Jungkook could never say no to you. Taking off his boxers and letting his cock nudge at your entrance, you whined.

“Someone’s impatient.” Jungkook teased and you rolled your eyes as you looked into his, making sure he saw it.

“Someone has been waiting for a while.” You snarked back at him and he laughed.

“Well you don’t have to wait any longer.” As soon as the words left his lips, he began to push inside of you. The stretch stinging a bit at first but as soon as he bottomed out and stayed still for a while, kissing you in the meantime, it all went away. When he started rocking into you, you were in pure bliss.

“Fuck… you feel so good.” Jungkook grunted and all you could reply with was the moans that left your mouth whenever he hit a spot that had you feeling pure bliss.

“Wanna go deeper… Can I do that baby?” Always asking, always making sure you are okay with everything.

“Please.” You answered, wanting nothing more. He put one of your legs on his shoulder, going even deeper and occasionally hitting your g-spot. When you started clenching around him, Jungkook took it as his cue to circle your clit with his finger to help you over the edge. As soon as he began drawing circles you moaned loudly.

“Shh baby, you are doing so good for me, but I need you quiet down a bit yeah?” You nodded and he dropped his head to yours to kiss you, muffling your moans. As he did the leg you had on his shoulder got stretched out more and you felt a little bit of pain at the uncomfortable position. Luckily it was barely noticeable as you came when Jungkook started rubbing your clit just a little faster, wanting you to cum at the same time as him.

This one, he dragged out until you almost started to feel overstimulated and started pushing him away. Getting your cue, he slowed down after one final thrust that sent him over the edge. Breathing heavily on top of you, Jungkook kissed you before getting up from the bed, cleaning the mix of both of your cum off his dick with a tissue as he got dressed.

“Want me to help you get dressed?” He asked as you switched positions, so you were laying on your side, breathless and almost dizzy, needing some time to recover.

“Yes please.”

Smiling, he picked up your clothes from the floor and began to help you dress. Normally he would not do this for a girl, but you were not just any girl, you were his girl.

 25 December 1991

Laying in bed in your room at night you suddenly heard a noise outside of your window. Going to check out what it was you see Jungkook looking up at you, hands in his jacket pockets and a beaming smile. Opening the window for him, he starts climbing up your house, something he does way to often nowadays you think. Once he got inside your room, he throws his arms around you before you could even ask him what he is doing here.

“Merry Christmas!” he says softly in your ear and you melt in his arms, hugging him back and mutter ‘merry Christmas’ back to him. Pulling away, he reaches inside his jacket pocket. His hands that had gloves on that did not cover his fingers (you always asked him if they even provided any heat) had now a small wrapped gift in them in front of you.

“Open your gift.” 

Beyond shocked that he had gotten you a gift you murmured back at him, “I thought we said no gifts?”

“Just open it.” He pleads and you cannot help but to do as he says. You take the gift from his hands and unwrap it slowly. It was a box. Jungkook had a grin on his face as your eyes met before you opened the box. Inside of it was a goldenrod scrunchie.

“You didn’t!” You exclaimed at him.

“I know how much you love that yellow sunflower dress so when I saw it, I couldn’t help myself.” He spoke as you inspected the scrunchie carefully, not believing your eyes.

“I have looked for it for so long, where did you find it?” You ask him and he shakes his head.

“Not telling, in case I have to buy you more presents.” He answers, and you laugh. Smiling at him, you put the scrunchie around your wrist and admire it.

“Thank you.” He just nods at you, unsure what to do now. Breaking the silence, you ask the question that you have been wondering ever since you saw him outside your window.

“Why did you come here? Shouldn’t you be with your family?” You saw the way his face frowned a bit. Truth to be told, Jungkook wanted to be anywhere but with his family.

“Dad asked me to go and buy him more booze, took a detour to see you.” Smiling at him softly, you nervously tuck your hair behind your ear before looking beside your bed to see the present that you had bought for him.

“Guess you’ll have to open yours now as well.”

“I thought we said no gifts?” His smirk was back on his face and you roll your eyes as you walk over to pick it up.

“Shut up and take it.” Walking over to him and almost shoving it in his arms he laughs.

“Feisty.” He says before looking at the package wrapped in front of him as big as his chest. He really wondered what you could have gotten him, that was this big. Now, his own gift felt lame but so did yours to you, knowing how much your gift means to you while your gift to him was a bit more… well… not that personal. As he unwrapped his package, he was greeted with a jacket, brown and looking much like the one he already owned, well except all the holes and dirt.

“Figured if I bought you a similar one, no one would notice, and you didn’t have to freeze as much. Argh, it’s so stupid!” You say as you slump down on your bed, brushing your fingers through your hair and letting out a sigh.

“Hey…” Jungkook spoke softly as he crouched down in front of you. Searching for your eyes with his as your head hung low, staring at your hands that were placed in your lap.

“It’s not stupid, I really love it.” Taking your hands in his he caresses them. You look up to meet his eyes. The worry slowly disappears from your body.

“Really?” You asked. Jungkook nods and smiles at you, bringing a smile to your face as well.

“Thank you so much.” Jungkook meant it. Never had anyone bought him clothes, noticing how cold he was in his old jacket, having to put on layers underneath it. Now he did not have to freeze every winter and rainy day. All thanks to your gift. All thanks to you.

  14 January 1991

"Are you coming to the party?" Jungkook asked as he was laying on your bed, mindlessly throwing a baseball he found in your room towards the ceiling and catching it on the way down. He had been asking you to come to this stupid party for days now. Parties were not your thing, but if it were not for them, you would never have met Jungkook. Still, you hated them. Parties meant spending more time with the plastics and going to a social gathering where everyone expected you to play some kind of role. A role you did not like.

“I’m not sure.” Answering him with the same answer as you did yesterday, Jungkook caught the baseball one last time before placing it down on your nightstand. As you sat on the bed next to Jungkook reading this week’s history chapter, you were suddenly attacked. Jungkook wrapped his arms around you, dragging you down with him. 

Squealing as you fell down on top of Jungkook you tried your best to wiggle your way out of his grasp. Jungkook chuckled and began to plant kisses all over your face, whenever he got the opportunity. Dropping your book beside you, you tried using your hands to get out of his grasp, but he was not budging. His strong grasp keeps you trapped against him.

“Ugh let me go Jungkook I have homework to do!” You tried reasoning with him but Jungkook would just ‘hmm’ in your ear, like he was in deep thoughts.

“On one condition… You come to the party.” Once the words left Jungkook’s mouth you tried your very best to get out of his grasp without any success. Sighing, you realized there was no other way if you were going to get your history homework done on time.

“Fine, I’ll come.” You agreed, thinking Jungkook was going to let go of you but as soon as you tried to get up you were pushed down against his body again.

“Jungkook!” You annoyingly exclaimed and he snuggled his head in the crock of your neck.

“Just give me a sec… You are so cosy. I can’t help myself.” Rolling your eyes at his words, trying to get out of his grasp one more time, Jungkook let go of you. Sitting up and picking up your book, you looked over your shoulder to see him lying peacefully on your bed. A smile on his face.

“Behave or else I’ll throw you out.” You warned him but he just chuckled at your words. Knowing you would never actually throw him out.

“I promise baby.”

 17 January 1992

The moment you saw him and Holly making out you wanted to gag. For days Jungkook had asked you if you were coming to the party, only to be making out with Holly as soon as you arrived. Anger, disgust filled your body. The two of you were not together by any means but you were still angry somehow, disgusted and a little hurt. You and the plastics had been appropriately half an hour late to the party. Drinking at Tiffany’s and getting ready. 

Already tipsy and fuelled with anger you took a shot before going out on the dancefloor in the living room to find someone who could get your mind of him. Somehow, Matt who happened to be two years older than you, caught your eye and you decided that he would do. He had been flirting with you at other parties so it felt safe to assume he was attracted to you and would want to dance with you. 

As you looked eyes with him and approached him, he took a swing of his beer, eyeing you up and down. Normally, this would make you feel something but tonight your mind was clouded by Jungkook. You were not looking for Matt’s attention, you were looking for his.

“Wanna dance?” You asked as you made your way over to him, standing now in front of him and looking up at him. He was way taller than you remembered, but then again, you decided not to wear your highest high heels tonight.

“Sure.” He said, putting down his beer and reached out to grab your hand, dragging you after him out on the dancefloor. The two of you started dancing together, your back pressed to his front, grinding your ass against his crotch. 

Your focus was however not on him, but on Jungkook who danced with Holly not far away from you. He stopped making out with her for a second, moving away her hair to expose her neck for him. When he leaned in to kiss her neck, he met your eyes. Shocked, he just looked at you for a second before starting to kiss Holly’s neck, never breaking eye contact with you. 

Never once did he think he would witness you in another man's arms, grinding your ass against him while he roams his hands all over your body. Never had you taken an interest in another man, at least not until tonight.

Two can play this game, you thought as you took your right hand up to Matt’s face. Gently touching it, you urged him to meet you halfway as you tilted your head upwards. He understood exactly what you wanted and met you in a sloppy drunk kiss. You could smell the faint of alcohol from his mouth as he kissed you and he tasted bitter. 

Mother fucker, was all Jungkook could think for a while, completely forgetting the girl in his arms. He stopped kissing Holly’s neck. He wanted to reach over and drag you away from him, but he never got the chance as the two of you were interrupted by one of Matt’s friends. They talked with each other for a brief moment before Matt whispered something in your ear, kissed your cheek and disappeared after his friend.

Once Matt left your side to check on one of his friends had gotten into a fight, you were left alone on the dancefloor. When you looked straight forward again and saw Holly still in Jungkook’s arms you decided this was it. There was no point in you staying, moping around, being alone, since Jungkook was your only real friend and the only one who wanted you here. Or at least, so you thought.

Walking through the crowd trying to find the exist while being slightly drunk in a house you had been to only once before proved to be more difficult than you thought. Eventually you made your way into a hallway and saw one door open, revealing a bathroom inside and decided to try and sober up. Drink some water from the tap or something, anything to get you sober enough to find your way out. 

As your hand reached the doorknob to close the door behind you, you were pushed further in. As you stood with your back pressed against the sink and looked up to see who had followed you, you were met with Jungkook’s deep brown eyes. Anger filled your body.

“Leaving your new girlfriend on the dancefloor I see.” Jealousy filling your body at the thought of him and Holly. Jungkook locked the door behind him and closed the distance between the two of you, standing now in front of you. You turned your face away when Jungkook tried to bring his hand up to caress your cheek. He looked at you with a pout.

"Baby..." He dragged out the ‘a’ as he took hold of your arms trying to bring you closer. He knew you were upset.

"You know you are the only one for me." You scoffed at his words. His charms were not working on you tonight. Still resisting his touch, you snarked back at him.

"Didn't look like that when Holly was down your throat." The image of them popping back into your head and leaving you with a bitter, sour taste. To be honest, you did not even know why you were so upset. Just that you did not like seeing Holly anywhere near Jungkook.

"Are you jealous?"

"No," you were quick to answer him. As you did his body language changed. It was like a switch had been flicked and as he looked down on you with desire, you started feeling hot. He towered above you, parting your legs with his body, standing in between them.

"Cause I was pretty fucking jealous when Matt was down yours." Before you even had a second to process what Jungkook said he had his lips moving with yours. Hungrily kissing you, making you breathless. His hands moving through your hair, grabbing it, tilting your head so your neck was exposed. His lips left yours and travelled downwards, kissing the outer corner of your lip, your jaw and lastly your neck where he started roaming around. 

Sucking, biting and licking, trying to find your sweet spot. You let out a deep moan once he did. He smiled, smelling the faint scent of the perfume you were wearing. Sweet, just like you, he thought to himself. You felt his bulge getting bigger against your thigh, his hands getting rougher, more impatient. 

A sudden loud bang on the door made the two of you freeze in your movements.

“Can you fuck somewhere else? Some of us have to use the bathroom.” Muttering ‘shit’ under your breath you suddenly realized the situation the two of you were in. Anyone could have seen the two of you getting into the bathroom, someone is guaranteed see the two of you leaving together. Your secret would be exposed. Seeing the worry on your face, Jungkook took his hand to caress your cheek, comforting you.

“Don’t worry, I’ll go first and buy you some time, okay?” You nodded and he followed through with his plan. Letting go of your face, taking a step backwards he smiled before he turned around to face the bathroom door. 

As he unlocked it, you took a deep breath, your head hanging low, eyes on the ground, trying to avoid the eyes of the people you were imagining were looking at you. Jungkook looked back at you once before opening the door and stepping out of the bathroom. He hated it, the secrecy of your relationship. How you almost looked ashamed of being with him. He felt like it was time for him to go home, he no longer had any thoughts on staying, even though all of his friends would probably look for him. 

A girl entered the bathroom and gave you a look that more or less said ‘get the fuck out’ and so you did. Looking around once, you stepped out of the bathroom and realized nobody was really looking at you, or judging you. Thank God. 

Finally, being able to breath again you once again tried to find your way out. On your quest to find the front door you stumbled upon Matt, who was very insisting on letting one of his friends drive you home as apparently, all of you were going to the same neighbourhood. Not being able to say no, you got in the car and that’s how you found your way home.

Once your head rested against your pillow, body laying down on your bed you could not help but think how differently this night could have ended. Jungkook could have been by your side, if only you would have talked to him. If only you were not so afraid of what people might think of you. If only… and with that on your mind you feel asleep.

 03 February 1992

“So… what are you planning on becoming?” Jungkook asked you as the two of you were walking, hand in hand on your way over to his house, skipping the last class. The teacher was probably just going to put on a movie any way since your school had an information day today where they brought up the different universities and options you had after school before lunch. 

Most of the teachers thought this would be going on for the whole day so skipping class did not seem too bad. Also, this meant you could hang out with Jungkook in public without worrying about anyone seeing the two of you since every one of your classmates were at school. What you wanted to become when you grow up… This was something you had already been thinking about for the last couple of years, looking forward to when you could finally leave this hell-town.

“Maybe… a boss of some sort?” At your answer Jungkook chuckled. Letting go of his hand you lightly slapped him, asking him ‘what?’.

“No, nothing. I think you are great at bossing people around, so it’ll suit you just fine!” Jungkook said with a smile on his face but you did not really believe his words. Taking hold of your hand again, Jungkook continued walking with you by his side. Despite his words, you were still feeling as if he was teasing you.

“You are just making fun of me…” Pouting and whining as you said it, trying to make Jungkook feel guilty, you quickly realized you succeeded when he stopped walking. Holding your hand, the both of you came to a halt. Jungkook’s gaze on you softened as you stood in front of him.

“Hey… I didn’t mean it like that. I really do feel like you would make a great boss.” Scoffing, you turned your head, letting go of his hand to cross your arms over your chest. With fondness Jungkook smiled, knowing you were not really angry with him. If you had, you would have already started walking away from him. Something he had picked up over the last couple of months. 

“You are compassionate, responsible, great at teaching and you do have a lot of patience. Isn’t that exactly what a good leader needs to have in order to have people look up to them? See them for guidance and trust them?” His words almost threw you off a bit. Jungkook rarely spoke to you this way but when he did, your heart skipped a beat every single time. No scratch that, nowadays it skipped a beat whenever he would just look at you. 

You could not help but smile and feel your cheeks getting redder as you slightly slapped him on his arm again. Embarrassed and not wanting him to see your reaction.

“What now?” He would ask you, amused with your reaction. Noticing the way your cheeks had turned a shade redder.

“Shut up, let’s go.” You told him as you started walking again. Wanting to get to his house as soon as possible. Shaking his head, Jungkook followed you. Taking your hand in his again. He smiled, as you did not fight him. Enjoying the warmth, you provided by his side.  

 04 March 1992

Jungkook was late. Over an hour had you waited for him to come over to your house and study like the two of you had agreed. He was falling behind, by a lot. He did not want you to know of course but as you looked for a hoodie in his drawer last week you found his grades. You did not mean to look at them but once you saw an F on several of them, you could not help but to ask Jungkook about it. He told you the truth, as always. 

He was failing because he could not study at home but because of you, he was not failing every class. The study sessions the two of you had helped him greatly and he was very thankful for your help. So, you decided the two of you should study more often so you could help him pass this term. Give him a chance to be able to study after high school. 

He was probably not taking this seriously, you thought and when you finally heard someone climbing up the garage outside your window. You knew it was him. Angrily, you crossed your arms and waited for him to get inside so you could scold him. His face was hanging low, his whole body slumped as he climbed into the window.

“An hour Jungkook? Honestly? Do you think I enjoy-” Stopping yourself mid sentence, as soon as you meet his gaze. His left eye was swollen and purple, his lip bleeding with a cut on the outer corner. Hair messy, clothes wet from the rain that started a while ago. Your eyes softened when your eyes met his tear-filled ones. Going over to him, you gently caressed his face. He tried avoiding eye contact with you.

“What happened?” You whispered and Jungkook suddenly put his lips on yours, wincing at the pain the cut in his lip provided. He was not in the mood to talk. Jungkook just wanted all his feelings to disappear, even if for only a moment. Taking your hands to his chest you gently pushed him away.

“Please tell me…” Jungkook cut you off before you could even finish your sentence.

“You are my distraction, aren’t you?” You nodded, confused at what Jungkook was trying to imply.

“Then fucking act like it.” His harsh words left a sour feeling inside your throat, but you tried to swallow it down as he kissed you again. Leaving you breathless as he pulled away to study your face for a minute, giving you a chance to say no. You knew you were in for a rough fuck but after a stressful day, it was exactly what you needed. As you pulled him down towards you, kissing him, Jungkook took this as a hint to continue. 

His rough hands on your body, undressing you as he backed you up against your bed. Pushing you down, you bounced around in your underwear before he placed himself on top of you momentarily before he got up again. Standing in front of you, in between your legs, he took off his shirt.

“Wha…” Your question was cut short as Jungkook placed his shirt around your eyes and tied it behind your head. Usually, he would use a tie to blindfold you but this time he had to be creative. 

“Be quiet and take what I’m willing to give you.” Manhandling you, Jungkook turned you roughly around. His hands on your hips, grabbing them upwards and placing you in the doggy position. His hands started roaming around your body, feeling your ass, kneading roughly your thighs before moving upwards towards your core. 

He touched you slightly over your clothed pussy and decided it was time for the fabric to go. Taking hold of your panties he ripped them apart. Squealing at the sudden sting the waistband of the panties hitting your sensitive skin, you felt exposed as the cold air of the room hit your core. 

“You can’t just-” your complaint about your new panties being ripped apart was cut short by Jungkook. 

“I can and I will. Now… I’ve told you to shut up and somehow you are still talking. Want me to stuff that dirty mouth with your panties hmm?” Shaking your head as you felt yourself getting wetter at the thought of Jungkook stuffing your mouth with your panties. A fantasy you have had for a while but did not have the courage to tell Jungkook about just yet. 

“No sir, I’ll be good,” you answer him, wanting to please him. 

“That’s my girl…” Jungkook whispered as he continued moving his fingers dangerously close to your hole before continuing, “now… Can I use you however I please and you’ll be a good girl and take?” Nodding at his question, wanting nothing more than to be his good girl, Jungkook entered one of his fingers in your pussy. You were not nearly wet enough as you needed to be for his cock, and he was going to change that. 

Whining, when he suddenly put in another finger. Stretching your unprepared pussy a little too much for your usual liking, but you were determined to take what Jungkook was willing to give you. Wanting to please him. If only he would pay attention to your clit. 

As if he could read your thoughts, Jungkook slightly brushed over your clit with his thumb which had you let out a low moan.

“Such a dirty slut, letting me use her however I want. I knew this about you ever since the first time I saw you at that party. Bet you let a lot of guys use you however they want, don’t you?” You chose not to answer him but someday you probably had to tell him the truth. There was really no one else but him. Twice had you tried sleeping with other guys and both were disappointments to say the least. Jungkook was even your first, but you would never tell him that. Afraid of how he would react.

As Jungkook continued fingering you, you could feel the pressure building but all the thoughts in your mind were distracting you. Clouding your pleasure and somehow you never reached the top like you usually would. So… you faked it. 

Not feeling like you could cum anyway and trying to avoid making Jungkook more upset, it seemed like the logical thing. Jungkook was pleased, thinking that he made you cum. You could hear him unzipping his pants and soon you felt the presence of the tip of his cock at your entrance. 

As he slowly entered you, you could feel the stretch slightly, but it was not as bad as you thought it would be. When he bottomed out, he stayed there to let you get used to it, waiting until you relaxed, before he started fucking you. Taking hold of your hips, pushing his cock in and out of your tight pussy, he moaned. You could not help but do the same, moaning whenever he reached your g-spot. 

It didn’t take him long to reach his high, he was not exactly holding back and trying to last longer. Thinking he had already made you cum. As Jungkook came with a finally deep thrust, body slumped over yours, he took a deep breath before pulling out. As he pulled out, you noticed how you could not feel any of his cum leaking out of your cunt. Did he not cum? 

As you took off his shirt that had been tied around your head. Acting as a blindfold, you turned your head around as you laid down on your side. You saw Jungkook removing a condom from his cock before tying it up and throwing it in the bin. His pants were still on, resting just below his hips. He pulled up his boxers and then his pants. He had not even taken off his pants this whole time while you had been lying naked in bed.

This gave you a weird feeling that you could not shake off. Something felt off. For some reason, he had used a condom tonight when the two of you had been going without one for more than half a year now, both getting tested beforehand. Making sure it was safe as you started taking birth control pills so the two of you could do it safely without a condom. He was probably seeing other girls again, you thought as you remembered Jungkook making out with Holly. Yeah, that was probably it.

“You’ll be alright yeah?” Your thoughts were interrupted by Jungkook who was now putting your blanket over your naked body as he took his shirt from your hand, his eyes searching for yours as he tried to make eye contact with you.

“Yeah.” You would answer him, not really sure what he was asking.

“Good. I’ll see you around.” Jungkook said before giving a kiss to your forehead. As he stood up, he turned around and went to your window. Was he really leaving? Your question was quickly answered as Jungkook threw his leg on the other side of your window and proceeded to climb out. 

This was not like him, you thought. Nowadays, he usually stays the night. Maybe this was a one-time thing? At least, you hoped it was as your heart felt heavy that night. Thoughts filled with worry for him. Was he going home to his father? God, you hoped he was going to his friends or something, but mostly you would have hoped he would have stayed. 

A single tear left your eyes as you got up to get dressed in your pyjamas to get ready to bed. What ever had happened today, you hoped would never happen again.

That night, you kept your window slightly ajar the whole night. Hoping Jungkook would come back. When you woke up the next morning in bed alone, you realized that was not the case. You were not his girlfriend. He was not your boyfriend. What were you even thinking right now? 

Annoyed with yourself, you put on your jogging shoes to try and go for a run. To clear your head. At first, it worked. For a little while. Until you started to worry again, and you almost found yourself running over to his house. No, if he wanted to talk, he would have come to you. You thought as you made your way back home. Hoping he would talk to you one day. Hoping he would explain.

 31 March 1992

You had spent all morning waiting for the mailman to come by your house. Hoping he would carry your college acceptance letter. Anxiously, you had been walking around, cleaning, trying anything to get your mind off it but nothing was working. Your mother tried to assure you, saying any college would be lucky to have you. You were above average, sure, but not too outstanding if you asked yourself. 

Jungkook, on the other hand. He would probably say the same as my mom, you thought. The two of you had not talked much recently. It seemed as if Jungkook was busy hanging out with his friends every day, and the time he had for you was minimal. 

You missed him, although, you would never admit it. So, while you were waiting, you decided to write down your thoughts and hide them in your box of confessions. Here were all the letters and things you wanted to say to people, but probably never would. 

Maybe, getting it all down on paper would help as usual, but this time it left you writing with no end. Emotions and thoughts that were never ending. It felt like you could almost write a book to Jungkook. How mad you were at him when he kissed Holly. How sad you were the first time he left you alone in bed. How happy you felt when he brought you that scrunchie. It was a mess indeed, but at least you were getting it out somewhere when you could not talk to anyone about it. Still afraid people would judge. Still afraid people might talk if they knew what was going on between the two of you.  

Jungkook missed you terribly, but he thought it was for the best. He had completely fallen for you. Head over heels and he was screwed. You would never want him as anything more than a fuck buddy, he thought. So that is how he decided to treat you. 

Go back to the beginning of your relationship, no sleepovers. No sweet talking. No studying together. Just sex. That worked most of the time, except for the times Jungkook felt guilty every time you asked him to stay. It made him second guess his choice every time. Thinking, maybe… just maybe… you had feelings for him too. 

Those thoughts would quickly disappear as whenever the two of you locked eyes out in public, yours would turn away. You did not want to be seen with him, he had to remind himself. With that in mind, Jungkook had made his choice to stay away from you. No matter how hard it was.

Around an hour later, you finally held your college application letter in your hand. Nervously you opened it. Reading though it, you realized. You were accepted. You got into your first choice even. 

Squealing, you could not wait to tell Jungkook. Oh… right… The smile on your face quickly turned to a frown when you remembered how distant he had been with you lately. He probably did not care, you tried to remind yourself. The two of you were merely fuck buddies after all. 

With that in mind, you tried to distract yourself from the thoughts of Jungkook, by showing the letter to your mom. Hugging her tightly as she told you how proud she was of you. Somehow, she was not the person you wanted to make the proudest anymore. Somehow, that was Jungkook and as you realized it, you were terrified. You had fallen in love with Jeon Jungkook.

 18 April 1992

With a lump in your throat and your vision blurred from the tears that escape your eyes, you hesitantly walk up towards Jungkook’s house. What was he even supposed to do? Why did you even think of going to him in the first place? After all, the two of you had not lately talked at all. He had been distant for a while now, but lately, you did not even talk with each other. It was like, he came over to your house, the two of you had sex and then he left. Nothing more, nothing less.

Today, you and the girls had all gathered at Tiffany’s house to hang out and start planning what dresses you would be buying for prom. It should have been fun, considering you actually looked forward to prom, but all your excitement was flushed down the drain as soon as the girls started talking about your body. 

Who you should go with or why you should even bother to go, when no guy had shown any interest in you so far. You got out of there as quickly as possible to get some air, but somehow your thoughts drifted to Jungkook and your legs started moving towards his house. Should you even knock? What if his father is home? With shaking hands, you knocked lightly on his door and soon enough you heard footsteps approaching the door.

As Jungkook opened the door he found you, teary eyes looking down on the ground, your trembling lip caught between your teeth and hands fiddling at the seam of your shirt. The smile he had on his lips when he opened the door and saw you quickly disappeared as he noticed your state. Walking outside, he closed the door behind him so his friends would not hear your conversation, respecting your privacy.

“Hey,” he spoke softly, and you looked up at him, meeting his eyes. He never expected you to show up at his doorstep like this. Especially not after how distant he had been towards you lately. Still… he was somehow happy that you had come to him.

“What’s wrong?” You shrugged, not really knowing what to say but Jungkook was patient. Waiting for you to collect your thoughts and talk to him.

“I don’t really know, the girls started talking about prom and how I’m never going to find a date because…” Your trembling voice gave out as you started sobbing. Jungkook wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in tightly against his body. Your head against his chest as you cried into his hoodie. He truly felt like home, his scent and warmth bringing you comfort.

“Shh…” Jungkook whispered as he caressed your back and stroked your hair.

“You know better than anyone that most things that come out of their mouths is utter bullshit.” He was right, but you could not help but to feel your heart sink every time you thought about what they had said to you.

“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt,” you mumbled into his chest and he kissed your hair. Letting out a heavy breath, you finally felt like you could breathe again.

“I know, I know.” Jungkook reassured you. Letting out a sigh as Jungkook took a step back, releasing you from his embrace, you wanted to complain. Wanting him to comfort you more, but he was quick to bring one of his hands up to your face and wipe away your tears. Tilting your head up by taking hold of your chin so your eyes would meet.

“Want to hang out with me and boys for a while and once they leave, we can talk?” He suggested and you quickly shook your head. The last thing you wanted was to bother him in anyway. He was not your boyfriend. He had no obligation to take care of you.

“I really don’t want to intrude.” As soon as your answer left your mouth, Jungkook was quick to respond.

“You wouldn’t” That was all it took to reassure you and with a beating heart you quietly muttered an ‘okay’ and Jungkook smiled.

“Follow me.” Intertwining his hand with yours he opened the door and walked in with you right behind him. The boys that sat on the couch all got quiet as they turned their heads to see you and Jungkook standing in the hallway. They all recognized you quickly, one of the plastics, one of the wealthy girls in town. 

You, on the other hand, only recognized Taehyung and not the other two boys that were sitting in the living room. Taehyung was often seen beside Jungkook at school and Jungkook often talked about him with you, saying you would love him if you got to know him. Guess this was your chance.

“Guys, this is ‘____’, she’s staying with us tonight” Jungkook announced and truth to be told, you could not really read their faces at all. Staring at them as they stared back at you, you had never felt more out of place. The plastics somehow felt more normal. Never did you think you would ever have that thought. 

You were brought out of your trance as Jungkook tugged on your hand, dragging you towards the couch. Following him, he sat down on the empty couch, next to the one where Taehyung and the other two boys sat. Sitting down next to him you awkwardly smiled at the boys and they smiled a sceptical smile back at you, not really sure probably on how to react. Never had they once seen Jungkook take any girl home. 

On the table in front of you were beer bottles and tv-game controllers. As you looked over on the tv you saw that they were playing some sort of video game. Jungkook smiled as he observed you.

“It’s Super Mario, Jimin got it last week. Probably the best game out there on Super Nintendo” He explained to you and one of the boys, the one on the far right spoke up.

“It’s really fun, you should try it!” He exclaimed and you smiled shaking your head, declining his offer.

“Oh! I’m Jimin by the way, this is Hoseok and that’s Taehyung.” Jimin said as he pointed at the other two boys sitting on his couch. Once the boys started playing their game you started to feel more at ease. More comfortable as you started leaning towards Jungkook on the couch, bringing your feet up to rest on the couch as well. As you changed position, Jungkook could not help but want you even closer.

“Come here.” Confused, you looked to your right to see that Jungkook had parted his legs, encouraging you to sit in between them. Looking over at the boys on the other couch you saw that they were fully immersed in the game. Why not? You thought and settled between his legs. Jungkook wrapped his body around you as your back rested against his chest. For the next round the controller was thrown to Jungkook and he bent down to whisper in your ear.

“Imma win this one for you baby.” You felt goosebumps all over your body, heart skipping a beat. What the girls had said earlier to you was long forgotten as you sat in here in Jungkook’s embrace. He ended up winning the race and for the next one, he showed you how to play. How he managed to win despite having his focus on showing you all the controls was beyond you. 

The game after that you were the one playing against Jimin. Jungkook showed you how to change character and you chose Peach. He probably went easy on you since you won, nothing he would admit though. Jungkook was proud, happy and content. You were getting along with his friends.

You could not help but to think of the night not too long ago, when Jungkook had showed up to your house, beaten. There was no doubt it was his father who had abused him, but you never asked. Whatever was between the two of you had felt different after that. 

He had always seeked your comfort before and you his as you did today, but something had always felt off after that. As if his trust in you was broken. Not entirely, but enough to wonder why he never felt as if he could just talk to you about it. Why he had stopped talking to you almost entirely. Also, it was not the last time Jungkook came to you for comfort like that. Each time, leaving you a little hollower than the time before. Remembering your place in his life. His fuck buddy. Merely someone to take his mind off things for a while.

The rest of the night was spent playing video games, staying up way too late and lastly with you falling asleep in Jungkook’s arms. If only every night could be spent like this, you thought. If the two of you could somehow talk about the two of you. What you were to one another. By now, you were sure you loved him. Somehow you could never allow yourself to completely fall for him, scared he does not feel the same way. Scared that the feelings you were feeling were one sided. 

They probably were, you thought, remembering the way he spoke to you that night. Saying you are his distraction and nothing more. Remembering when he made out with Holly at the party instead of hanging out with you when he had begged you to come. Something had felt off after all of that. Remembering that he had barely spoken to you these last few weeks. Today, you had fallen asleep in his arms, pretending it was all fine. Wanting it so badly to be fine. Not trying to think too much about it, when lately it was all that had been on your mind. If only you could tell him your thoughts. If only.

 29 May 1992

You look over the schoolyard as you and the plastics sat by one of the outside lunch tables, eyes glued on Jungkook as he played basketball with his friends. Things have been different lately. Jungkook had wanted to spend more time with you but this time… you had been distant. 

The two of you had not had sex together in over two weeks now. Your mind filled with worry, anxiety and stress. As you got your acceptance letter, you quickly tried to find your own apartment in New York. In your favour, your aunt had a friend that was going away for a year to study abroad. Needing someone to take care of her apartment in the meantime. 

You had signed the contract a few days ago. You would be moving in a few days after school had ended. Everything was happening so fast, too fast. Therefore, you prioritised yourself. Spending as much time planning and figuring this out in order to ease your mind. Of course, you wanted to see Jungkook, but you knew that would no longer be possible once you moved. 

So, you distanced yourself from him. Tried to become used to not seeing him. It was mostly going well. Well, that was until the two of you locked eyes and he shot you a smile before continuing to play with his friends again. You had smiled back at him, loving the warm feeling inside your body whenever his attention was on you. Fuck… this was not going to be easy, you thought.

 14 June 1992

Jungkook was happy, school was over. He had passed his exams, he could actually come with you, wherever you were going to study. Jungkook had not told you this yet, but he was hoping he could come with you, get away from his father. He wanted to tell you this today so the two of you could figure it out over the summer. Maybe... He could probably work for a year or two. Maybe save enough money for college one day, he thought. He remembered how you almost glowed when you talked about your dreams. Your dream to work for a big company one day. So, he worked his ass off. Studying wherever he had the time so he would pass his exams, so he had a chance at college one day. Anything to make you proud. Anything to be with you.

As he brushed his teeth, he could not help but to imagine your reaction when he told you that he would be able to come with you. He knew you were anxious about leaving but the two of you knew it was for the best. Leave this small town and find new friends, family and a place to call your own. A place that could be potentially a home for the two of you. He was certain he would confess to you. His love, he was sure, was endless for you. A never stopping force that he could not deny any longer. Today he would tell you. Of that, he was sure.

When he saw you on the park bench his smile faded. You were crying, hands fiddling with your shirt, something you did when you were nervous. Eyes looking towards the ground. Jungkook imagined this was all because you thought he would not be able to come with you. That you had to say goodbye to him, as you left for college.

“Hey.” He spoke softly once he reached you and your eyes looked up to meet his.

“Hey…” You whispered back, and he put out his arms to pull you into his embrace, but you refused. Putting your arms in front of you, stopping his body from wrapping itself around yours. Jungkook looked confused letting his arms fall to his side again.

“What’s wrong?” He asked and you could barely look at him.

“I can’t.” Puzzled he looked at you, trying to read your face.

“What do you mean?” Yeah what did you actually mean. You had been thinking about how to tell him for the last couple of days but now when the day had come, no words formed in your mouth. You knew by now that you loved him, but you also knew he could not come with you. You had to end it here, for your own sake and his. The two of you could not make it work long distance. For God’s sake, you were not even a couple, you thought.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Jungkook asked again when no answer came out of you. Whimpering, lip trembling, breathing unsteady you said it.

“I can’t be with you.” Jungkook was quiet. It felt as if all the air in his lungs had left him. His chest empty, drained of all the happiness that had filled his body earlier on. He did not know how to react. You could not even look at him, you knew if you did you would change your mind. For him, you probably would. The desire to be able to get out of the town that was the source of your unhappiness was bigger than your desire to be with him, not by much, but enough. You knew if you did not break up with Jungkook you would stay here. Stay and regret the decision your whole life. 

The silence was killing you. You had said what you needed to say. So, you decided it was time to leave. As you turned your heel to walk away from Jungkook he spoke, making you halt your movements.

“Why?” His question raised a number of thoughts in your mind, but before you had the chance to answer him, he continued. Clenching his jaw to keep the tears that had been forming in his eyes at bay.

“Was it something I did?” No, you wanted to tell him. You wanted to tell him that he made you feel loved like no one ever had before. You wanted to tell him the scrunchie that he got you was the most precious gift you had ever gotten. 

You wanted to tell him, no one ever was as honest as he was with you and that he was the only one who never once doubted you. Never made you feel insecure, made you feel as if you could not be yourself or made you feel like your feelings and thoughts were not valid. You wanted to tell him he made you whole, as if you had been searching for something your whole life and finally you had found it. None of that came out of your mouth though.

“I can’t stand watching you mess around with other girls.” The thought of him and Holly at the back of your head. Jungkook with someone else that was not you, someone that probably would treat him better. Treat him the way he deserved to be treated. Someone that just was not you. 

Besides… How would even things work if he could come with you? He was still one of the biggest players in the school. Would he be able to drop all of that for you or would you stay worried the entire time like you had now? Worried that all you were to him was a distraction even though deep down you knew you were something more than that. At least you hoped so.

All Jungkook could think about was that you probably had feelings for him too. Why else would you otherwise not be able to stand seeing him with other girls? He felt hope. 

“I’ll stop.” Jungkook choked out, his voice quiet, lip trembling as the first tear escaped his eyes as yours meet his.

“I promise.” He continued. What he wanted to tell though was that he had not messed around with anyone ever since you got jealous at that party, ever since he saw you in someone else’s arms. After that, it all felt wrong to him. Especially since all he wanted was you.

“I have to focus on myself, I need some time.” You whispered as Jungkook stepped closer. When you did not move away, he brought his hands to your face, holding it carefully as if you would break otherwise. He rested his forehead against yours and took a deep breath.

“I’ll wait.” Jungkook said truthfully, he would wait for as long as it would take for you to come back to him. You did not want that. You wanted better for him. Someone, who could openly say they were in a relationship, without thinking of others. Show him the love he deserved without being afraid of how other people may react. 

Sobbing with your eyes closed you tried to remember what his scent was like, the one that gave you a feeling of home when you breathed it in. You wanted to remember it, forever if you could. This close you could smell it, if only you could stay here forever, but you could not.

Jungkook let his fingers run through your hair and back to your cheek, feeling the softness of your skin, the roughness of your hair telling him you had not brushed your hair today, yet, you looked stunning as ever. He had to tell you what he thought, he had to let you know. Had to let you know you were his home, his safe place, his sanctuary. You were a breeze on a hot summer day, refreshing, well needed and something he craved.

You placed your hands on top of his, taking them in yours. As you took a step back you opened your eyes, looking up at him. Jungkook opened his as well, swallowing hard as he choked on the tears that had started to escape his eyes. You could never do this to him again, never see him again like this, he did not deserve it you thought.

“I don’t want you to. I want you to let me go.” As the words left your mouth, Jungkook did so. His hands left yours and he stepped back. Maybe you did not feel the same way as him, he thought. Maybe something had happened, and you needed some time. Maybe… there was still a chance for the two of you to make it. Finally, be together. 

With this little hope Jungkook had let you go of his grasp. As he opened his eyes and met yours, he realized that was not the truth. The truth was this was it. Your mouth turned into a painful smile as tears left your eyes and you spoke your last words to him.

“Thank you.” He never got the chance to ask you for what or to thank you back as you turned around and left him on the street. He wanted to say thank you back. For all the times you had been there for him. When he did not know how to express himself, never pushing him to explain. Just being there for him whenever he needed someone. Whenever he needed you.

Jungkook could think of anything else the next couple of hours, his body limp, crying into Taehyung’s chest. Thinking about all the times he probably screwed up, leading to you breaking up with him. Was it even a breakup if you never officially dated? It sure as hell felt like it at least. 

He had to see you one last time, he had to change your mind. He needed to tell you how he felt. How much you meant to him. How badly he wanted the two of you together, wherever and whenever that would be. As long as you heard him out… maybe… just maybe… he had a chance at winning you back. Wiping away his tears he told Taehyung he would be back soon, that he had to see you one last time and with that he left his house, on his way to yours. 

As he reached the door and knocked, your mother opened the door.

“Hi, is there anything I could help you with?” She answered and Jungkook smiled at her through the pain and hollowness he was feeling. Your mother recognized his face, but she could not quite place it anywhere. 

“Yeah, is ‘___’ home?” He asked and your mother shook her head.

“I’m afraid not, she left for college an hour ago” Jungkook nodded at your mother and turned around, walking down your doorstep he let out a broken cry. This was it. You were really gone. You wanted nothing to do with him. That was probably why you had been away the last couple of days. You had probably been moving into your new place, Jungkook thought. 

He walked for hours around the town with these thoughts until Hoseok found him sitting on a bench by the river. Jungkook still barely remembers what Hoseok had told him that day. All he remembers is the hollow feeling in his chest, his nose running, eyes swollen, barely being able to breath. Consumed by the sadness you had left with your words, the sadness that he thought would never end. A hole in his soul he did not believe could ever be filled again. 

His first and only love… gone, and there was nothing he could do about it. If he only knew you felt the same, if he only knew how much you loved him too. Maybe he would have confessed sooner, maybe you would have if you would have known. Maybe… this would not have been the end of your first love. 

[katsuriin]

|loving kisses ∙ eijirou kirishima|

november eleventh  ∙ day 6

prompt: A breathy demand: “Kiss me” - and what the other person does to respond.

warnings/themes: panic attack? (mention of inability to breathe), fem!reader (use of wife once)

[back to fluffvember masterlist?]

You watched in bated breath, the distant yells around you were muffled now, not even registering in your brain as you watched the big screen "It seems like the villains have all been caught and are being restrained but there are still a number of heroes on the premises-" You willed your eyes to look away from the huge screen on the building, crouching where you stood instead. You don't even realise you're repeating the same mantra aloud as you were in your head, the crushing feeling of desperation making it difficult to breathe. You stay in that position for what feels like hours, your knees burning. Please let him be okay. You feel hands on your shoulders, warm hands coaxing you out of your tense position. You lift your head catching sight of red eyes before throwing your arms around him. "I'm right here, I'm fine babe" Kirishima rubs your back, shushing you gently. Your shoulders heave in relief as you pull back holding his face in your hands and pressing his forehead to yours. You scan your eyes over his body quickly, a couple of fresh bandages wrapped around his abdomen but other than that, fine. Fine. You sigh in relief again knees buckling slightly. He smiles at you gently taking your arm whilst pulling you up. You can feel the dull ache in your legs but the promise of home numbs it a little. Your hand finds itself in his immediately as you lead him home.

It was almost as if nothing had happened, he pressed a kiss on your cheek before going to the bedroom to shed his hero gear off and shower; you going to the kitchen to warm up leftovers for him to eat. It was later when it hit you. You sat on the sofa, hearing him put his dish away when it did. You could've lost him. He joined you then, settling on the sofa before pulling you onto his lap with ease. You scold him half heartedly telling him to be wary of his injuries, but wrap your arms around his neck all the same. "Listen babe, there was... There was a point then that I was a little scared that I... wouldn't make it back to you" you felt his grip on you tighten as you slowly move your hand to the back of his head. "And it put everything into perspective." His posture relaxed as he pulled away to look at you. His eyes were shiny from a couple of unshed tears as he cupped your face gently. Chuckling, he carried on "You know what I thought? I thought that if I was to die I couldn't even say something cheesy like 'tell my wife I love her' 'cause your ring has been buried in my sock drawer for the past 6 months." Your heart skipped a beat as you process his words. The tears come naturally, silently travelling down your face as you giggle wetly. "Out of all places, your sock drawer Eijirou? Really?" your voice is barely an amused whisper as you move his hair out of his face affectionately. "I know you hate my odd socks babe" He chuckles, as he pulls out the velvet box. "I'd get down on one knee for you and everything baby-" "Yes, it's a yes" His eyes flit up to yours, searching for any hesitance at all. When he finds nothing but pure adoration, the tears begin to fall. He fumbles a bit taking your hand in his as he slips the ring on with ease.  You press your forehead against his, eyes closed and smile serene even as the tears travel down your face. "Kiss me" The words are exhaled in a single breath and his lips are on yours immediately. The pads of his thumbs caress your cheeks, lightly brushing away the stray tears as your lips move against each others perfectly. You place your hand on his cheek, the feeling of the cool metal band on your finger making him grin into the kiss. You pull away a little breathless, resting your forehead against his. "I love you, Kiri" "I love you more, angel"

fluffvember taglist: @deephasoceanmagic​ @dreamykou​ @jmeyerss​ @anarchytheselfshipper​ @omg-haikyuu​ @aprettyfruit​ @patricia-ceballos​ @thembo-kuto​ @strawb3rry-babe​

[utterlyinevitable]

Do We Have A Future?: January

Part 1 | Part 2: November

Paring: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Rebecca Lao) Word Count: 1.9k Warning: Adult themes, mental health triggers, themes of depression, pregnancy complications and termination Summary: Rebecca told Ethan and now they have to live with the aftermath of their decision.

Author’s Note: Sensitive subject matter means I really suggest only reading if you are 18+ years old.

Taglist: @ohchoices​ @dulceghernandez​ @aylamwrites​​ @binny1985​ @ramseysno1rookie​

________________________________________

Becca stood alone in the middle of Ethan’s dimly lit bedroom one morning after a scalding hot shower while flecks of snow flurried outside. She stood in front of the double wide full length mirror taking in her full form - the unchanged curvature of her hips and abdomen. 

“I’d be in my second trimester…” she whispered to herself as she ran a hand delicately from her breast and lingering down to the blank space of skin below her navel. 

It would have been born in June. 

It was 6:30 in the morning and they needed to be at work in thirty minutes. When Ethan didn’t hear the familiar scuttering of his girlfriend hastily getting ready after choosing another twenty minutes of sleep he grew worried that something may have happened. 

He gingerly opened the door to see his love transfixed in front of the mirror. He crossed the distance quietly in four long strides. Snaking his arms around her he whispered into her ear, “Are you okay?”

There Ethan stood in his standard work attire holding Becca’s cold naked body close to him, his left hand securely wrapped around her midsection and his right hand placed on top of hers at her stomach. His clean shaven chin rested on her shoulder and his bright blue eyes searched her features for the explanation he knew was never coming. 

“Yeah,” she breathed as she snapped back into reality. Ethan could feel the goosebumps beginning to prick her skin and eyes started to glaze over as she pulled away from him. “Give me a minute. I’ll be ready in five.” 

Becca still cried at the thought of what's been lost. She still couldn’t walk past the neonatal wing of the hospital, or any babies for that matter. Even infants on social media or television bring tears to her eyes. Some days the extreme emptiness hits harder than others. 

Ethan still refused to talk about it. He wanted nothing more than to know how exactly he could help her without having to guess each and every day. But that would be breaking their solemn vow. He couldn’t break his promise after she explicitly asked him not to all those weeks ago at her appointment. Ethan couldn’t let her down; not now, not ever again. 

Unbeknownst to him, Rebecca wanted nothing more than to confront the fact head on, she’s done her self deprecating wallowing and was ready to divulge. She wanted to know what’s going on inside his head. But after the last time she tried to bring it up she feared that if she continued it would be to the detriment of their relationship. 

They were sitting on Ethan’s couch watching a Blue Planet documentary. Ethan comfortably laid back with his feet perched on an ottoman and Becca’s legs draped over his lap. She had the purple fleece blanket she brought from her apartment snuggled around her torso. Neither were too intrigued by this segment on flying fish, so Becca picked at the chipping paint on her fingernails and Ethan closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of how this woman beside him could make him feel so at home.  

Out of nowhere the demons eating at Becca’s core shakily asked, “What would we have done if we kept it?” 

Truth be told Becca had been thinking this since the moment she swallowed the first pill. What would their life be like here and now? 

“Stop, Rookie,” he sternly admonished. Ethan knew she was treading down a slippery slope. She had finally started going through a routine like normal and he believed entertaining this notion would have her regress back into the shell of the woman he once knew. “No point in dwelling on the past.”    

Becca pursed her lips and gave him an unsatisfied nod. She could push the subject but she wasn’t strong enough for that. She used every little bit of courage she had to let the thoughts slip off her tongue without the twin tears rolling down her cheeks. The topic seemed like taboo. 

Why can’t we talk about this? she thought.

***

Becca had been back at Edenbrook for six weeks. She enthusiastically threw herself into her work hoping it would help fill the void and bring her joy. However it did nothing to soothe her like the way it once had. Rebecca was barren; the things she loved didn’t carry enough weight anymore. Her moods had also frequently gone on a roller-coaster ride, more times than she or Ethan would care to admit. She lived in the realm of fury, rage, disinterest and disdain. But at least she was talking and willing to leave the apartment. 

Thankfully, Ethan thinks to himself every day she gets up and goes through the motions of her past self. 

She still didn’t spend much time at her place. The awkwardness and permanent ball lodged in her throat at keeping this secret from her dearest friends had put distance between them. Becca didn’t actively want to put a strain on her friendships; she just couldn’t bear the thought of them pitying her. It was easier for them to think she’d let her new job title and relationship become her most sacred of priorities. 

When Ethan noticed her dejected and hopeless look day after day he thought now was a better time than any to help move her mind on to something else.

“I was thinking…” he trailed off as they sat at his kitchen island having her favorite spaghetti bolognese dish he ordered for them from Don Luigi’s. Looking down and twirling the noodles around his fork he said softly, “Maybe you’d like to move in?”  

“What?” Becca’s eyes went wide as she nearly choked on the two bits of pasta in her mouth.   

“You’re here all the time anyway,” he rationalized with a shrug of his shoulders. Ethan dropped the fork and swiftly swung around on his stool to face her. There was a gleam in his eyes that involuntarily made the corners of Becca’s mouth twitch. He reached out for her hands, cradling them between his own. 

“How about we make it official?” Their eyes met and Becca took a bated breath. The corners of Ethan’s lips pulled into the biggest grin - a smile Becca knew was just for her. It had been months since she’d last seen him glow like that, all the wrinkles and cracks in his features coming to light just for her. “Make me the happiest man alive and turn this place into a home, Rookie.” 

Looking at the man before her she thought maybe, just maybe everything will be okay.

“Okay,” she nodded with a small smile, trying her best to give him the genuine declaration of adoration that a moment like this deserved. 

*** 

The move didn’t help. If anything it made her mental state worse. Rebecca was completely dissociated from her current life and there were two versions wandering around in her place. 

The first version; the doctor and third year resident who focused solely on her patients needs, continuously going above and beyond for them. No matter the turmoil raging inside of her. For the first time in a while she was back at the top of her game, she didn’t need Ethan to shadow her or reassign any of her potentially-emotionally damaging cases. In the halls of Edenbrook all that mattered to Becca were the lives of her patients and helping as many helpless individuals as she possibly could. 

Ethan knew she was deflecting but as her boss he was overly impressed with her performance as she tirelessly solved case after case in no time at all. He came to accept that the concern he had for her well-being was better felt behind closed doors, whether it be at home or with his father figure. Ethan did consistently speak about her with Naveen for both of their sakes. The two men discussed and debated on how they can support her without her knowing, while the older doctor simultaneously consoled and navigated his mentee’s guarded emotions whether Ethan liked it or not. 

The second version of Rebecca was simply Becca. A girl who’s new coping mechanism was throwing herself into packing up her life and slowly turning Ethan’s luxury and sterile bachelor pad into a home. As she packed alone in her room she let her mind project a new, better reality. One where she was still carrying. She’d pass the time singing and speaking to her flat belly of the great life awaiting the three of them. The undeniable love still coursing through her veins. 

‘What are we doing today?’ she said softly with a smile as she taped together a cardboard box on her bed. ‘We’re packing up my apartment and we’re moving into daddy’s place!’ Saying those words made her heart swell, feel fuller than it’s ever been. 

Rebecca wasn’t alone. Although science and any rationale would say otherwise, she still felt that the baby, her baby was still with them. 

Moving about her room she categorized the objects of her life out on the floor into piles of winter clothes, summer clothes, general clothes, books, household objects, and miscellaneous. As each pile started to grow and moving around became difficult she exclaimed, 

‘I have so much stuff! Where are we gonna put it all?’ She chuckled to herself as she haphazardly threw one of the piles of clothes into an empty suitcase.  

Patting her abdomen she happily added, ‘Dad’s gonna have a fit; we’re gonna take over the whole place.’ 

This quite well may be the only time she’d get to say those words out loud with Ethan. This could have possibly been the only time she’d be pregnant. Ethan was being more than careful now that she was not on any form of contraception. Her doctor noted that the typical thing to do after a termination would have been to start on the pill but Becca refused, wanting time for her body to readjust before adding more hormones in the mix. Not like we’re gonna be intimate any time soon... she thought bitterly in her OB/GYNs office back then. 

In her mind Becca was now moving and creating a nest egg at Ethan’s for their little miracle. She allowed herself to indulge in this fantasy keeping her together - keeping her happy. She had made the mistake of getting attached in those first and last two weeks of knowing and now couldn’t shake the thought. As much as she’d wanted it gone, she grew fond of the little ball of cells and all the possibilities it held. Now she felt unfulfilled; something was missing from her life, from her body and she couldn’t understand why. Why something she didn’t want and didn’t have could hurt so much. 

As a woman of medicine, Rebecca is a woman of proven science. She never did believe in a higher power. 

But there’s so much unknown in this world. Maybe, just maybe... 

If there was even the slightest chance the soul - her baby’s soul was wandering aimlessly around in the unknown, she needed to do something about it. After much internal deliberation and listening to her heart she decided it was a girl and gave her a name, Avaline Dolores Ramsey. She thought of her dark brown hair on the top of her tiny head, Ethan’s eyes shining bright with possibility, their skin colors mixed together to give an olive complexion. 

A little bundle of joy staring back at her in her mind's eye every second of every day.

__________

A/N: writing this is the most cathartic thing ever. thank you for reading. we’ve got 2 more parts to go!