#note 1

[cocrante]

Opened the first chocolate from the advent calendar ~☆

Baci Perugina are my little obsession eheh I've been collecting these little notes for many years. So happy to have found this phrase, one of my favorites, as the first note :3

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

[nardacci-does-art]

I meant to draw this back when I did this other doll comic as another side, to show a doll that had been cared for instead of abused, but somehow I wasn't able to finish it till like 10 minutes ago, anyway I did it *confetti*

[melblancscream]

(x)

[1percentcharge]

One of my roommates cannot stand the way I play minecraft

[s-ccaam-era-crepe]

i think everyone who's ever had migraines should be financially compensated forever btw

[fulcrvm]

illya is so dramatic oh my god i love him

[ikeepforgettimypassword]

Do you understand my chart?

[mistressemmedi]

Maybe if Nelson Piquet said "fuck" then FIA would take a more harsh stance on his presence in the paddock

[candieduranium]

1 note = sssniperwolf gets slapped 1 time

[anterieur]

The genius annotators who weren’t even done writing out the quintuple entendres from Meet the Grahams when Kendrick drops again:

[theoncologistof911dispatch]

[autismswagsummit]

Round 1 Part 1

[yourneighbortoasty]

jar

[crimsoletta]

CW suicide ideation & personal VERY NEGATIVE & polarizing thoughts airing into the universe. To Organize my Thoughts Post-Realization of Whatever. Note #1

i don’t usually post here or anywhere personally to this degree

but i have nowhere to go (figuratively)

it’s too shameful to admit to anyone else what happened. to some people it’s not life shaking but it is right now for me.

i’ve burdened my close relative again. i’m going to be vague. I’m an adult a worthless one. i never realized i became one and even when i did realize. i really was pretending all along. everything feels like a facade for me suddenly. it must have been all along.

even as a facade, i never been committed. there’s nothing for me here and nothing i cared for enough not even myself. and everyone else takes the hit for me in that stead.

i’ve begun realizing ever since i was born i was a parasite and i never stopped being one. in some shape or form, i guess everyone starts off as being one. but i don’t think now that i ever stopped.

at most i’ve just been a sort of pet to drag around. not even the obedient type and not even one that you can tout around to people. i’ve just been the biggest bill for people a big investment for the affection and life fulfillment that no one actually wanted. i fell flat. i’m a dog with the lowest iq. the most unlovable and disposable one.

i lack any qualities that stand out that will allow me to stand on my own two feet. i actively choose to be passive and take no risks.

it’s been [redacted] years. people say it’s supposed to get better. I’ve barely lived. BUt people want me to be better now.

I’ve always been the chick stuck in its shell. if i don’t break out of the shell, i’ll die before i’ve ever lived. i refused to save myslef and everyone else is going to waste their lives for it.

this is my last chance to become something anything and i won’t even think twice about breaking my pattern. if anything i’m making revisions on top of it. I’m making it worse i’m regressing.

i often think. the only realities i am born are the ones my mother is unhappy. in any alternate reality only my sister is born, she has the option to divorce sooner. leave sooner. be free sooner. i was 7 more years and more. 7+ years more.

i should have been a miscarriage. i should have been stillborn. i should have been anything but myself. because that’s always going to be the worst version of me.

i used to have more notes i wrote terrible thoughts about myself though i don’t believe them to be unfounded at the moment. my self hatred was at the full time since middle school and into high school. things improved once i entered university.

but like she said… that self. that hope that i can improve motivated me to construct a false persona. the one that pretended she could handle anything. adult issues. it was never real. i could never be that ideal i constructed because there’s was never a desire or drive to be it.

i’ve grown reliant on others to push me where i lacked where i couldn’t.

i keep reading stuff on quora. i have nowhere else to go, so i go on google. i find quora because that’s the only place that phrases exactly my feelings to almost a T.

They are often right even if sometimes a bit general.

However, at the moment I do feel so wholly worthless and unchanged. I feel helpless and not at all in control of anything in my life. Something that’s not relevant in this situation directly but perhaps associated with this could be “learned helplessness”.

it’s all my fault. i can’t process that without shaming myself. all i’ve ever been was the embodiment of shame. even as i learned that i could be lovable. i still felt ashamed of that fact. why am i considered lovable. how could i possibly be lovable despite? how could i be worth it? when i mess up? when i never get better?

at least invest in someone better. someone who improves and learns from their mistakes. someone who gets up and keep running.

i have never done that. not in a way that matters. not in a way that’s consistent. not in a way that i could take charge and prove to others. i rely on them heavily because i see no other way. no other option. i never let myself grow any ego in a way that was productive.

[ukkigirl]