#not to mention relapsing into all of my self destructive behaviors

[s-e-a-s-l-u-g]

hi and welcome to I am having. one of the worst times of my life and I feel absolutely alone.

[linddzz]

Here an assortment of Facts About Morpheus in the Red Flags AU. Where I'm starting to lean more towards the version where they meet and are already into each other before the ""Fake Date"" Incident:

-Jessamy is the raven he took care of when he found her injured outside of his townhome. He now has a room with a window he often keeps open for her to fly into whenever she feels like it. I don't know how legal any of this is in London but tbh it doesn't matter because he also does not know what the laws are and doesn't care.

- His townhome is very dark maximalist in decor, which tends to surprise people at first. There are houseplants and little statues all over, and the walls are hidden behind millions of bookshelves. There is an art studio room and books scattered everywhere. Very recently, hypothetical visitors would notice a lot of child locks and child proofed areas that have a bit of a panicked "I bought every safety thing in the store bc I have no idea wtf I'm doing" energy to them.

- He has a therapist. Yes, the Morpheus that Hob meets is the upgraded version who is actually working on himself already. This is what the improved personal growth version of Morpheus is like.

Anyway, said therapist is Gilbert F. Greene. Because Morpheus going head to head with an unstoppable force of old timey adorable optimism who will also not take his shit is delightful. Dr. Greene insists on going by first names and Morpheus always makes "Gilbert" sound like a slur in retaliation. Some conversations I imagine include:

"Good morning Gilbert, you will never guess who had what you might call a """relapse into self destructive behaviors"""" last night."

"I am very sorry to hear that my dear boy. Let me say though, that I am so very proud of you for calling me! That is a phenomenal step for you and it's wonderful that you are being proactive in your recovery."

"Don't patronize me Gilbert. I will hang up."

(this ended up being super long so I'm just gonna spare y'all's dash. Warning for some lightly touched on mentions of drug use and self destructive behavior.)

- Him getting a therapist was part of the requirements for gaining visitation rights and then weekend custody once a month with Orpheus. The therapy is actually helping, and he's bitter about that.

- His given name is actually Dream, he goes by his middle name. All the Endless siblings have awful names. Desire goes by Adonai because who calls a fucking child Desire???

When Hob meets the rest of the family, Destiny goes "it's good to see you again, Dream" and Hob begins turning to Morpheus like "lmao who tf is named Dream" only to find Morpheus glaring daggers at his brother.

- The Endless parents are rarely around. Some of the siblings still live in the manor and they all use it for family dinners, but it's common for their parents to be off travelling for years at a time.

- Morpheus is an author and a painter who has a bajillion pen names to go with each genre he writes in, so it's hard to figure out exactly how much he's written. Even before becoming a father though, his face and full name is mostly associated with children's fantasy stories that he illustrates himself, and his Art vs Artist vibe is very Miyazaki.

Him and Calliope collaborated on a series of illustrated poetic translations of ancient epics. Their divorce was exactly as messy as one might imagine the divorce between two passionate artist types might be.

- His downward spiral of self destruction started before the divorce but oh boy did it nosedive during and after.

- When she got pregnant after divorce proceedings had started, there was a moment where they were both meeting with lawyers and one asked something along the lines of if this meant they would try for reconciliation and staying together. Calliope said "no" immediately.

It's not like Morpheus exactly thought they would get back together, but the speed and firmness of that hard "no" had his head screaming with white noise and some badly thought out self medication for months, which ended up being why Calliope got full custody and he is just now able to get more involved with the now two year old Orpheus.

- His rebound with Thessaly was also messy. She was just in it for a fun fling and he was... Morpheus. He found out he got dumped when she informed him she was already in the process of moving back to Greece, and Johanna said he needed to be banned from any more beautiful Greek expats from that day forth.

- No one can figure out what the deal is with him and Lucienne. The simple explanation is they're queerplatonic soul mates. Lucienne's wife Gault thinks they're a bit codependent (not an inaccurate assessment), but is more civil with him since the day she yelled at him to go get an actual therapist instead of constantly putting his shit on Lucienne, and he actually did. (It is unclear if this or Calliope demanding therapy for him to get visitation with Orpheus was his wake up call catalyst, but probably a bit of both.)

- Lucienne was originally a personal assistant. She now works as his editor since she seems to be the only person who can keep track of all the shit he's written. She is also the only person who can get away with critiquing his works in progress without sending him into a fit where he might burn all his manuscripts.

- When Morpheus started mentioning this Gadling guy a lot, Lucienne paid a visit to the pub. Not to do anything so crude as to threaten a man's life if he breaks her sensitive friend's heart. What could she do anyway? No no. She's just here to smile with zero trace of humor and ask some questions while looking him up and down through her spectacles. Hob will later describe this as one of the most pants shitting moments of his life, and he felt like he got transformed back into a primary school kid who talked slightly too loudly in the library.

- Morpheus went through a slutty phase during and shortly after University that was less of a healthy and fun exploration of his sexuality and libido, and a bit more "I will take anyone who will have me in any way they will want me and I know that if nothing else, I'm pretty."

- Him and Johanna used to have a game seeing who could get more free drinks in one night. This had to be put to an end when it turned into the catalyst for at least three screaming fights between them.

Fight subjects were

Quality vs Quantity. Morpheus insists his ability to get people to buy him a single glass of wine that costs £50 beats Johanna's cheap beers. Johanna disagreed. loudly.

Is it cheating when Morpheus ran to the bathroom to smudge on some eyeliner and then stole Johanna's lip gloss? Is it further cheating when Johanna realized that his main method of getting drinks was "act like Adonai"? Accusations that he would ever act like his horrid annoying younger sibling sent Morpheus into an absolute tantrum.

Competitiveness DID overcome sibling rivalry enough for Morpheus to go to Adonai for makeover assistance. This backfired because it made Morpheus hot to the point of intimidating, and Johanna won that night.

- After Hob starts flirting with him, Morpheus goes suspiciously into a Romantic, Pre-Raphaelite inspired art era featuring lots of noble knights with dark sunlit hair. A lot of them seem to be lured in by dark haired fae entities all La Belle Sans Merci style. It's disgustingly obvious.

-Therapy has made him juuuuust self aware enough to know that he MAYBE tends to go a bit hard and fast with romance. This makes him a little more cautious with Hob than he usually would be, and he's doing a bit of "Hob is so nice and sweet and interested but I'm gonna mess it up :(((" pining. Everyone around him is fucking sick of it. He is not self aware enough to realize he's still going super hard and fast, but this time he's doing it while sighing sadly and drawing Hob in his sketchbook all the fucking time.

[sh1-n0bu]

HELLO HELLOOO I was just wondering if I could ask if you could do a

Kaeya or Thoma ORR Diluc x Self destructive reader? Maybe any genshin character but whenever my mind goes to angst my mind automatically goes to Kaeya and Diluc LMAO

And basically Reader has a hard time expressing feelings and finds comfort in their lowest so they are seen as reserved

And Kaeya or (Character) tries their very best to help them despite reader rejecting their affections and worries But Kaeya or (Character) loves them too much to let go so they just stay by Reader's side

You can add more or plan the rest of the story but right now that's all I could explain

One last if I could ask I'd like to be Banananon/ 🍌 Anon

Besides that have a great time! Your works are amazing 🫶

✿ 𝙧𝙚𝙘𝙤𝙫𝙚��𝙞𝙣𝙜 ✿

characters: kaeya, diluc and thoma x nb!reader

warnings: angst, comfort, reader daydreams a lot, mentions of self harm and healed scars

notes: what the reader is going through and their description of self destructive thoughts, actions and behaviors are all greatly influenced by my own not so great moments. if such topics are triggering to you then please scroll past or continue with caution. i hope you’re all doing well in this dark times. i love you and thank you for being here

as the sole survivor of his family and the one given the task to be his destroyed home nation’s one and only hope, the cavalry captain has his own dark moments

definitely did used to self harm as well. it only worsened after his fight with diluc and crepus’ death

and seeing you, his closest companion, lover, his light and life, his dark days and pillar suffer through the same things makes him want to curl up on the floor and wail until there’s nothing left in him

will sit you down and have a nice long talk with you. it can range from your self destructive habits, self harm scars, bad coping mechanisms to even the gossips the cavalry captain had heard or shared with lisa, how diluc’s hair seemed a bit more trimmed today at angel’s share, how the cats at cat’s tail was seemingly more affectionate etc etc

anything you want to talk about, kaeya’s here

scars, relapses or even a new stimming you’ve got, he notices the second he sees it. he may have one eye but he’s keen on noticing the smallest, minute detail that is changed

but if you don’t wish to talk about it or don’t hint anything to him then it’s okay. kaeya can wait but please don’t take too long until you have completely destroyed your own self beyond recognition. he can’t carry the guilt and regret

if you have been relapsing too much then kaeya will have no other choice but to sit you down and talk about it

he will even come to a compromise to quit his alcohol addiction and learn to live again with you, together

if he comes back from his work to see you feeling down in the dumps, prepare yourself to be wrapped up in the biggest fluffy blanket like a burrito and given cuddles and smooches mwah mwah mwah mwah (¯ ³¯)♡

“there there, darling. we’ll go through this together”

another person who has self harmed in the past

personally speaking, i think he used to self harm in a deprivation type of way especially during his time when hunting the fatui harbingers in the merciless eternal winter clad nation of shneznaya

depriving himself of food, water, hygiene, sleep, the basic human necessities to survive

so after the whole hunting harbingers thing is over and the wine tycoon comes back to mondstadt, diluc’s trying his best and starts to let go of his self harming habits, actions etc

in the present time when he sees you, his lover, the dawn to his dark side, the apple of his eye and his most cherished person doing the same things he used to do - it pains him immeasurably

diluc is a straightforward person. if there’s something he doesn’t like he says it, shows it without wasting a single second

but this. this was an incredibly sensitive and a hard topic for anyone to talk about or mention

so he decides to wait for you to say something or even give him the smallest of hints first. however don’t take too long because if diluc sees you continuing to be self destructive then he’s taking things into his own hands

will bring up about the topic on a warm night, when the two of you are cuddling close to each other under the blankets as the fire in the fireplace crackles softly

the atmosphere is soft, silent and comfortable with the smell of your cups filled with hot cocoa wafts through the air. this is when diluc gently brings up the topic

will patiently wait until you wrap your mind around things and answer him. even then the uncrowned king will stay quiet, taking in every words, every names, every breath and sighs you produce with a gentle squeeze to your intertwined hands

when you’re finished opening up to him, diluc will place down both of your cups on the nightstand of the bed and pull you in for a cuddle. you can cry if you want to, he will soothingly rub shapes and sizes into your shoulder with a low hum to soothe you

“it’s alright, my love. you’re safe now. here, with me”

first of all

yes my skrunkly (you), you can marry the puppy vibed blonde fictional man you saw on your device screen. mama nobu approves, he looks like a green flag

anyways, with that shit out of the way

green flag. seriously. just green flag all over

thoma has personally never experienced or committed any self deprecating, harming or destroying actions, thoughts or whatsoever

he does have bad days but that’s it. bad days. he likes to stay enthusiastic about life and living in general so he simply sits down, takes a breather, maybe pay a visit to the stray cats and dogs he looks after in inazuma city before continuing

when thoma first notices your scars whether they’re healed or not, or even sees your self destructive habits such as not eating when your stomach is grumbling, tugging on your hair harshly, peeling the skin around your nails - thoma instantly reaches his hands out and envelopes yours in his own

with a soft voice, the housekeeper would envelop both of your hands in his before looking into your eyes with the most saddest kicked puppy look

will ask you if you’re okay first and foremost before holding your hand and walking back home together. on the way he will buy you some of your favorite treats, drinks, point out a newly opened shop, a new vendor etc etc

when home, thoma would make a nice chamomile tea before sitting down with you on the chabudai. first will start with the small little talks about what happened during his time at the kamisato’s, a cute cat he saw and will eventually slowly drift into your habits

he will be here with you through thick and thin. you’re his pudding after all but before that you are your own person and you deserve to live

“sweettums… i will always be here with you through anything and everything okay?”

[serickswrites]

Whumptober 2024

Here are all the links to prompts

Day 1: prompt: "if only we could hold on;" TW: captivity, potential drowning, rescue attempt, self sacrifice

Day 2: prompt: trust issues; TW: betrayal, stabbing, blood, wounds, trust issues, fade to black, guns, mention of murder, knife

Day 3: prompt: set up for failure, "I warned you;" TW: lies, betrayal, manipulation, captivity, restraints

Day 4: prompt: "you're still alive in my dreams;" TW: captivity, torture, restraints, blood, bleeding out, mcd, survivor's guilt, self destructive behavior, caretaker and whumpee, hurt/no comfort, grief

Day 5: prompt: healing salve; TW: self sacrifice, burns, hurt/comfort, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Day 6: prompt: "it's not my blood;" TW: kidnapping, implied torture, restraints, rescue, blood

Day 7: prompt: magic with a cost; TW: magical exhaustion, collapse, shaking, unconsciousness

Day 8: prompt: forced to stay awake; TW: captivity, restraints, non con drugging, creepy/intimate whumper

Day 9: prompt: bruises; TW: captivity, restraints, torture, rescue, bruises, caretaker and whumpee

Day 10: prompt: slurred words; TW: concussion, head injury, migraine, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hurt/comfort, caretaker and whumpee

Day 11: prompt: TW: captivity, restraints, torture, unconsciousness, rescue, blood, blood from the mouth, mcd, hurt/no comfort

Day 12: prompt: "just a little bit more;" TW: restraints, captivity, torture, physical violence, public humiliation, cruel whumper

Day 13: prompt: "death will do us part;" TW: captivity, torture, restraints, blood, wounds, electrocution, escape, unclear character status, unconsciousness

Day 14: prompt: blackmail; TW: threats, betrayal, video recording, implications of noncon, black mail

Day 15: prompt: "I did good, right?" TW: blood, explosions, wounds, conditioning, living weapon whumpee, blood loss, caretaker and whumpee

Day 16: prompt: wound cleaning; TW: gunshot wound, blood, field medicine

Day 17: prompt: ruined map TW: abandonment, heat stroke, lost

Day 18: prompt: "I see what's mine and take it;" TW: black mail, trickery, bribery, cruel whumper

Day 19: prompt: one way out; TW: self sacrifice, exhaustion, magical exhaustion, unconsciousness

Day 20: prompt: giving permission to die; TW: captivity, torture, restraints, forced to watch, blood, wounds, infection, mcd

Day 21: prompt: tattoo gun; TW: pet whump, captivity, body modification, noncon body modification

Day 22: prompt: "Oh that's not good;" TW: blood, wounds, gunshot wound, bleeding, hospital reference

Day 23: prompts: public display, "I'm doing this for you;" TW: captivity, torture, restraints, self sacrifice, blood, wounds, threat of death, mcd, public display, betrayal

Day 24: prompt: equipment failure; TW: captivity, restraints, gag, electrocution, unconsciousness

Day 25: prompt: "It's for your own good;" TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, medication, unconsciousness, passing out, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery

Day 26: prompt: parting words regret; TW: captivity, torture, restraints, self sacrifice, forced to watch, drowning, mcd

Day 27: prompt: muzzled; TW: captivity, restraints, muzzle, torture, defiant whumpee, sensory deprivation

Day 28: prompt: exposure; TW: sun exposure, hyperthermia, delirium, kidnapping

Day 29: prompt: "Who said you could rest?" TW: collar, whipping, blood, bruises, pet whump, cruel whumper

Day 30: prompt: "What have I done?" TW: referenced captivity, referenced torture, referenced conditioning, relapse, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, caretaker and whumpee

Day 31: prompt: "I'm alive, I'm just not well;" TW: rescue, captivity, torture, broken bones, blood, bruises, hurt/aftermath, hurt/recovery, hospital

Tags: @whumptober

@mousepaw @jumpywhumpywriter @knightinbatteredarmor @hufflepuffwritingstuff2 @anightmarishwhump

@steh-lar-uh-nuhs @celestialsoyeon @st0rmm @ay5ksal @pedro-pedro-pedro-pedro-pe

[erabundus]

i  made  a  post  early  on  in  this  blog's  lifespan  about  how  ren  would  occasionally  have  these  moments  where  the  grief  became  overwhelming,  when  the  anger  and  shame  would  grow  too  violent  to  control  —  and  his  usual  coping  mechanism  would  be  to  go  somewhere  very  isolated  and  SELF  DESTRUCT.  scream.  cry.  reduce  trees  to  splinters.  an  ugly,  ugly,  ugly  outburst  that  feels  more  akin  to  the  tantrum  of  a  child  gifted  incredible ( and dangerous )  power.  there  is  so  much  pain  inside  of  him  that  he  doesn't  know  how  to  process  in  a  healthy  manner  —  that  he  has  never  been  TAUGHT  how  to  process  in  a  healthy  manner,  and  the  only  way  he  knows  how  to  vent  his  frustrations  is  by  turning  those  destructive  feelings  outward.

i  like  to  run  my  blog  with  a  sense  of  continuity  and  story  progression.  time  doesn't  stay  stagnant;  interactions  and  relationships  will  influence  my  muse  going  forward,  other  characters  may  occasionally  be  mentioned  in  threads  they  don't  appear  in.  all  this  to  say,  i'd  like  to  think  over  the  past  year,  ren  has  slowly  come  to  a  point  where  he  doesn't  have  these  outbursts  anymore  —  or  if  he  does,  they've  become  so  rare  that  they're  more  isolated  incidents  than  a  pattern  of  BEHAVIOR.  he  is  still  hurting.  he  is  still  learning  how  to  forgive  himself.  he  is  still  unraveling  the  mess  inside  his  head  and  trying  to  figure  out  how  to  live  with  the  ghosts  of  all  the  people  he's  wronged.  but  he  has  learned  at  least  how  to  take  it  one  day  at  a  time  and  sometimes  even  allow  himself  to  enjoy  tiny  things  while  ignoring  the  voice  that  tells  him  he  doesn't  deserve  it. he's created genuine relationships despite kicking and screaming in PROTEST all the while.

it  hasn't  been  constant  improvement;  he's  relapsed  back  into  old  habits  and  sabotaged  himself  at  every  turn  —  but  little  by  little,  he  is  getting  better.  even  if  he  only  inches  along  in  these  infinitesimally  small  increments,  he's  still  in  a  HEALTHIER  PLACE  than  he  was  a  year  ago  and  it's  just very  sweet  to  see. ren may not believe it, but he's healing.

[aestheticsofdismemberment]

TW: SH mention

another person has completely left my life without a trace. no goodbye, no reason as to why they stopped talking to me. im okay with that. this isnt the first time its happened. but now im left with the thoughts that its my fault. and it probably was, i wasn't a good friend. and i wish i was better, i just wish they told me they were going to cut ties with me. im very sad. a lot of feelings are rushing in my head, and i think it has something to do with my self destructive behavior. i probably have bipolar disorder. i dont know what to do anymore. its getting harder and harder to trust people. all thats left is the vast void that is the internet. i'm scared. i'm sad. and i'm lonely. i really want a connection with someone but im too scared to get hurt again. its half generational trauma and half of my own learned trauma. im tired. im thinking of relapsing. the last time i did so was in january, i think. i just missed the feeling, thinly veiled by the excuse that i was punishing myself. nah i just liked the high it gave. ive been 7 years 'clean', with little slip ups here and there. i never did anything that would severely harm me, just enough to get that rush again, and the immediate sense of calm that would set in right after. i should be hospitalized. i should be back in therapy. i should get back into art, i miss it, but its been so long since i've drawn. im tired. i want to be okay. i want to be able to trust people. im scared.

[ccrowsiie]

I've decided to explain what's been going on with me for the last few months. I figured I owe it to my mutuals since it's definitely going to affect my behavior going forward. I feel it's fair to say something now and maybe even apologize in advance.

In a nutshell: My best friend of 12 years ghosted (me and only me) for people he just met, destroying our relationship. In a coconut shell: One of the most important people in my life allowed our relationship to not just stagnate but actively die, willingly and knowingly breaking our social contract and my boundaries in favor of the adoration and attention from strangers and newer, fresher friends. The fallout sent me into a several months-long spiral that regressed my mental and physical health and led to the relapse of my most self-destructive addictions.

The full story, abridged (if you can believe it):

1/? CW, mentions of child abuse, drug use, mental health.

For clarity's sake, I'll be referring to him as 'Bestie'.

In the hierarchy of closeness, Bestie was right under my husband. Our relationship was 100% platonic but emotionally watertight. We had our disagreements like any pals would, but for the most part, we were siblings. We'd gone on vacations. We'd cooked meals together. We hung out for hours and hours over the many years of our friendship. It's safe to say that he was the closest thing I've ever had to an actual brother. …Because my real one totally sucks ass. I don't have a good relationship with my family. At. All. The majority of our interactions are made out of obligation. It was my dad's literal dying wish to at least try and reconcile with my mother after a lifetime of drugs and abuse. I've been trying my hardest, but dear God she makes it hard sometimes. My sister is alright, I tend to keep her at arm's length because she's a control freak (eldest daughter syndrome + history of abuse) but to say that my relationship with my brother is antagonistic would be a massive understatement. I usually say 'We don't get along' and keep it at that, but it goes deeper. We barely tolerate each other… for reasons I can't understand. I was born dead last in my family, the next oldest sibling is 13 years my senior. Despite the age gap, I may as well have been born the middle child, because bro didn't give up his youngest spot. Both he and my mother show signs of classic narcissism.

You may be thinking to yourself, "Crow, not everyone you dislike is a narc just because your personalities clash~' Save it, please. Don't speak on what you don't know. My mother and brother are a classic narcissistic binary star system. Mother and her golden child. They revolve around each other in a borderline emotionally incestuous way. They do drugs together. She coddles him to an insane degree. He did not move out or get his first job until his 40s. Mom didn't parent me so much as she let me live in her house so she could collect a check from my dad. When I wasn't being actively abused by her husband (won't go into detail here, but know that he was my primary abuser, as he was also her abuser and to a lesser extent my sister's) I was almost always being actively neglected, sometimes in favor of brother. Like, locked out of/into rooms or told to go away whenever she didn't need me for something. Especially in my formative years (age 5-10), when mom was still shooting dope and leaving me alone for days at a time or bringing me around the men she'd shoot up with. I almost lost her to drug-related violence and she almost lost me to the state a couple of times. Eventually, she found a way to have her cake (me, child support check generator) and eat it too (heroin and crack). While she gained sobriety from hard drugs just before I entered middle school, the neglect and other forms of abuse persisted through the remainder of my childhood, until I enlisted in the military out of desperation.

So with all of that boo hoo hoo shit out of the way, it's safe to say that I have a bit of a -thing- surrounding abandonment.

[bizzyboys]

Tw for mention of self destructive behavior

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I need to rip myself to shreds. I need to bleed into these sheets and let the darkness take me. I need to be whole again. I am not myself. Maybe if I die I’ll look like myself again.

I need to do something. I need to drink until I can’t think. I need to smoke something. I need to scratch at my legs until they’re bleeding.

The red reminds me of myself. It’s comforting in a way. But I also know it’s bad.

I hate the thought of relapsing. I hate the thought of losing all this progress. I can’t remember how long it’s been since. I know I’ll regret it, of course I will. But I need to hurt someone and I can’t have it be anyone else besides myself.

[raincamp]

7 - 20 - 23

i relapsed yesterday

it was a mistake. partly because the hangover was Hell, mostly because i had therapy today and had to sit in the all encompassing sea of shame and guilt for 50 minutes straight.

last week i mentioned how my therapist told me in order to continue therapy with her i would have to do addiction counseling. i have been procrastinating calling her referral to schedule an intake appointment, and this week (today) she finally told me that she will not have any more sessions with me until i call him.

i mean. i get why she said it. she can't help me and she wants me to get help because, as she said, "we've tried the whole 'you can handle it on your own' thing and that only made it worse," and— well she has a valid point.

considering i did relapse. even after i said i could handle it on my own.

((talk of therapy session ahead))

i hated her fucking smirk when she said it though. when she says stuff like that she always ends it with a little self righteous hum, because she knows she's right, and she knows that i know that she's right, and when its something i don't want to hear, it pisses me off.

she's such a smartass (affectionate)

i hate relapsing because of her (which i suppose is the point), and if i, for whatever reason, fully go off the deep end and start going on benders again, my sessions with her are going to hurt so much. because they did every other time. and it did today.

people with BPD have maladaptive learned behaviors that are survival mechanisms to get our needs met. DBT tells us that any maladaptive learned behaviors need to be replaced with adaptive and effective coping skills that still help us get our needs met.

sometimes, a lot of the time, one of these needs is attention/ validation, solid physical proof that we are loved and cared about. and a common way to get this need met is to be self destructive in hopes that someone we love will see and try to save us.

DBT also tells us that in order to eliminate these self destructive maladaptive behaviors, one should not continue reinforcing them by giving them the validation and attention that they are being used to obtain.

because of this, my therapist will be cold and clinical with me in sessions where i had been self destructive during the week. as well as while we're talking about slip ups like i had this week.

and OH MY FUCKING GOD is it painful. i cannot describe to you the amount of abandonment and rage and shame i feel when she does this. and you know why that is?

its because i didn't get my needs met when i wanted to. and its not that she won't give that to me when i need it, (within the confines of her abilities and boundaries of a therapist), because she does, but only if i've actually followed through on my treatment.

it may seem manipulative, and it is to a fault, but imagine the shit she has to deal with from me. i think i can admit i do way more of this type of "manipulation" than she does. my "manipulation" causes me and other people harm. hers is psychologically proven to put BPD into remission.

anyway fuck her for setting that boundary because it fucking hurt so fucking much and also fuck her for saying "i knew you would be" when i told her i was angry at her

but i know she's just trying to help. and im grateful for the strength she has to be able to do this for me. even if its causing me pain right now. especially because its causing me pain.

she is literally the only person in my life who can give me this kind of care, who can give me the emotional support that it need, even (and especially) when i dont want it.

and when im not being pissed at her about it, it makes me feel incredibly loved and cared for.

- andrew

[lacrimosathedark]

Is rhato really not worth reading? :( Honestly I was interested because I wanted to see red hood jason run around with friends (also dog... That's so sweet I love that he had a pet) but I just saw ur post (thank u for it btw ur doing the good work, intense boost of serotonin from all the dog) and was wondering if all its faults are really egregious enough to make it unreadable? :0 hope ur having a good day!

Honestly, it depends on your tolerance and attachment to the characters.

I'm going to spoil a bunch of stuff so if you want my spoiler-free tl;dr: the second series might be worth it. Mileage may vary. The first is absolutely not--just read a summary. Recommendations for Jason reading in the last couple paragraphs of the post!

The first series centers around Jason, Roy Harper/Arsenal, and Koriand'r/Starfire.

The characterization isn't great. Jason gets dumbed down, makes some off-color jokes, and feels like he's just an "edgey protagonist". Basically a mouthpiece for Lobdell and Lobdell is a sack of shit.

The characterization of Roy Harper is...not great. It's not necessarily inaccurate, but it's honestly only accurate for early Roy Harper. Like, decades and decades of character regression. They also in New 52 changed his backstory like...a decent amount. Like, I think initially his Navajo heritage was removed? And then it was made that he might have accidentally killed his Navajo foster father while drunk??? It's yikes. They also changed his self-destructive weapon of choice from heroin to alcohol. And removed that he was pretty much fully recovered from addiction and actually spent a lot of time volunteering to help people struggling with addiction. It also very much removes how close he was with Dick Grayson. They grew up together, formed the Teen Titans together. They were tight. Dick actually helped Roy through a relapse, was one of the few who would help him. And the biggest issue? The lack of Lian. Lian caused a huge change in Roy's behavior. Before Lian, he was, tbh, a fuckboy. But pretty much as soon as he learned about his daughter, he single-mindedly tried to retrieve her from her mother and was the best father he could have possibly been while being a vigilante (ignoring Devin Grayson's Arsenal run where he let Lian play with guns wtf). Everything he did, even in part the people he saw, was connected to Lian. She was his entire world. And y'know what? Jason was present--as Robin!--when Roy learned he was a father. And that's never mentioned.

As for Kory, it is absolutely awful. They give her gnat-like memory and face-blindness and make her hypersexual. Kory has never been a prude, but she's also a romantic, not one to just sleep around, and they made her pretty much all about sex. It also changed her backstory and made her more...angry. Kory has always been a being of emotion and is prone to righteous rage, but she was never fueled by anger the way she could be in RHATO. It also almost completely--and this seems to be the trend!--erases her relationship with Dick Grayson! Which is probably her most important relationship period, just maybe edged out by her relationship with Raven or Donna. Barely. And she has completely forgotten all of them. It's incredibly dumb.

The New 52 as a whole, is godawful with a handful of exceptions. You're better off reading the summaries.

The second series swaps out those two for Artemis Grace of Bana-Mighdall and Bizarro Superman. It is overall marginally better...at first.

Artemis is also sexualized, and there ends up being a somewhat-forced romance between her and Jason. Could there be excellent chemistry between them? Yeah. But she suffers from "Men Writing What He Thinks is a Powerful Woman" Syndrome. She's not awful, though. She's wlw, very much in love with her deceased childhood best friend that she essentially had to kill because she lost her shit. She also does not take Jason's shit and it can occasionally be funny to watch them interact.

Bizzaro is incredibly difficult to fuck up. He's (initially) got toddler-level intellect. He speaks like a caveman. "Me am Bizzaro", y'know. Then he nearly dies and Lex Luthor manages to save him but he's temporarily a super-genius, which isn't...too bad. But then he's essentially made an addict to synthetic Kryptonite, which he literally bathes in like a Lazarus Pit like???? It's bad. And then when he finally stops being a genius, it gets worse. Like...ugh. But Jason's relationship with Bizzaro is actually sweet; it's compared to Jason being a big brother to him. He literally starts their relationship telling him everything's gonna be okay, and then buys him a stuffed Superman doll that Bizzaro names Pup Pup (mimicking Superman's "Up up and away" thing) and it's really cute.

Under the second RHATO run umbrella is Red Hood: Outlaw, which is Jason going solo for a bit. I wanna talk about that, but first I really need to talk about the ooc trauma conga line that came just before it.

So, Jason just found letters Ma Gunn had kept that Jason's dad had sent him from prison. It's a whole thing. But through this, Jason learns that his father was put away not for any of the awful shit he actually did, but as a fall guy for the Penguin. And Jason kinda...loses it. He hunts Penguin down, reveals his identity, and shoots him point blank in the face.

(Don't worry he got better)

But we all know how Bruce feels about people killing in his city. He has been allowing Jason to operate in Gotham, despite his general disapproval, so long as he doesn't kill anyone. And Jason almost killed the Penguin, and definitely tried to.

Bruce Wayne's parenting skills vary wildly between writers. Some people making him a loving and affectionate, if emotionally stunted, parent. Some make him emotionally and physically abusive. He has, admittedly, hit his children before. It varies widely enough that I think it equally valid to say he's a good parent or a bad parent due to your personal canon. But what happens here is out of character despite even that, because the one constant is he always loves them.

The Goddamn Batman hunts down Jason and very much brutalizes him. Like, punches him hard enough to break his helmet. Like, completely shattering the front of it so you can see Jay's whole fucking face. He's yelling about how if Jason left it would be his own choice and not Bruce's, and saying shit like "No more Red Hood!" and it's...disgusting. Really bad.

Jason manages to get away long enough to discover that his HQ is falling apart. It's kinda complicated, but basically to save them and entire Gotham block, Bizzaro drags their HQ into another dimension, and Artemis goes after him. So, Jason just lost two more good friends. (for note: he hasn't heard from Kory since RHATO, and he quite literally broke up with Roy at the end of Red Hood/Arsenal, "it's not you it's me" speech and all, and the most he's heard from him is second-hand from Waylon Jones aka Killer Croc who is his addiction recovery sponsor like????) And then Bruce does the thing where he appears behind you. And he proceeds to attack Jason again.

Out of nowhere a savior arrives: Roy Harper! He has a knockout gas arrow that knocks them out and carries Jason to safety.

He takes Jason back to the island they stayed with with Kory as Outlaws and helps with his recovery, and Roy lets Jason in on a drug trafficking case he's been working. Partway through, Roy goes separate ways from Jason because he's going to "superhero rehab". Jason teases him but is supportive, and they go separate ways.

And then Roy fucking dies at Sanctuary because Heroes in Crisis was even worse than RHATO!

You know who comes to tell Jason that Roy's dead?

Bruce.

Their whole interaction is actual fucking bullshit. Not because what is written itself is bad, but in the context of their last interaction it rings hollow and disgusting. They hug. Like??? That is so fucking tone deaf I can't even--

Jason just lost Ma Gunn (who's missing), Bizzaro, Artemis, Bruce, Gotham, and possibly the rest of his family. And then Roy on top of that who he has not one, but two series with establishing their closeness. And Roy died, as Jason says, somewhere he was supposed to be safe. He actually calls Roy's phone and leaves a message that starts with "Hey, it's me. Jaybird." This man pretended he hated that nickname; he once told Roy to "choose between Jaybird and your trachea. You can't have both." and like--fucking ow. Throughout the rest of RHATO, it is repeatedly brought up how effected Jason is by Roy's death.

(Which makes me even more mad when he comes back to life and doesn't fucking tell him like??? Fuck the people writing Roy rn let him go back to Gotham and find Jason and Lian I am begging)

But other than that, the earlier part of Red Hood: Outlaw is pretty good. Funny enough, the time that it's good is pretty much the duration of Dog's appearance. It's honestly coincidental, but she does make everything better. But Jason kind of does what he initially planned to do! He's practically running crime in Gotham from the Iceberg Lounge, which he stole from Penguin! He's a semi-legitimate business owner! And the art is still decent there, and damn, boy looks good in a suit.

After the departure of Jason from Gotham (and Dog from the comic :( ), is an era called Generation Outlaw. It's written sooooo bad. Jason accepts a teaching job from Lex Luthor to train the next generation of supervillains. Like??? The premise itself sucks.

The kids are worse.

First off, the art is ugly. Second, only two of them have actual names. The rest are only known by their "villain" names.

One of them is literally a genius baby and her zombie "mom". She has no actual name, just "Baby in Arms" and "Mombie". Dumb as shit.

What really gets under my skin is DNA. DNA is referred to as nonbinary. What's the problem? Well first of all, it keeps being brought up, like it's one of their 2 personality traits. The other? They literally identify as a multiplicity rather than a singularity. Like, they refer to themself as "we" and "us". This is first of all, annoying, and second of all, reinforces the trope of enbies being amorphous inhumans. I hate it and I hate them. (However at least Jason treats them with moderate respect unlike Roy who repeatedly misgenders Stitch in Titans Academy and god do I hate that characterization of Roy)

And it just goes further down the drain from there.

Honestly, if you want Jason content that's not Death in the Family, Lost Days, Hush, or Under the Hood, (cuz they're all old and technically a different continuity, sort of, it's complicated) Batman: Urban Legends is where to look, followed by Task Force Z (though maybe read the run-up to it which is in Detective Comics 1042 I think? there's a few issues). They both have pretty good grip on Jason's character. It reinforces his anger, his general emotional-ness, and his empathy. It also reinforces that he's intelligent, clever, and plays dirty. And it finally tries to address the distance between him and the Bat-Family, which is entirely Bruce's fault. And it makes his vow to not kill based on his own moral choice rather than appeasing Bruce! And it's not that he thinks killing is wrong, but that he's faced with the fact that even killing the scum of the earth can have innocent collateral. It's so good.

He's also in a few crossovers with his family, like when all the Robins show up in Robin to catch Damian, it's great. Robin as a series is pretty great actually. And before that I'm pretty sure he appears in Joker War. I think specifically in issues of Nightwing. Jason is also in Batman Secret Files: Clownhunter, and in the 2017 Talent Showcase has a story where he's training Duke Thomas.

Also if you don't mind Elseworlds, Wayne Family Adventures on Webtoon is honestly so good and it does Jason great justice. He is a dramatic bitch, a book nerd, makes jokes about his death while also demonstrating accurate trauma from dying, and due to the premise being essentially Slice of Life, he can have actual healthy relationships with his family and it's so cute. Also Alfred's there and alive which is always a bonus.

But yeah. RHATO is kinda yikes.

[taciturnsoul]

TW: SUBSTANCE ABUSE

SPECULATION ON TK’S ADDICTION TO SUBSTANCES AND HOW OWEN MIGHT HAVE INFLUENCED IT

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Since the next 911 Lone Star episodes will be about TK’s addiction, I was just thinking about how his propensity to use substances and subsequently become addicted might come from Owen. The series did drop hints about Owen’s history and recent use of alcohol as a way to numb his pain and guilt.

In S01E03, we see Owen drinking a whole bottle of tequila with Michelle when he started his chemo, as a way to cope with the guilt of hiding his cancer from TK and the news of the side effects of chemo that might cause him to lose his hair and libido. Even the background song in that scene (The Bottle Let Me Down by Merle Haggard ) is relevant to the situation at hand. Some of the lyrics:

“… Each night I leave the bar room when it's over

Not feeling any pain at closing time

But tonight your memory found me much too sober

Couldn't drink enough to keep you off my mind

… I've always had a bottle I could turn to

And lately I've been turnin' every day

But the wine don't take effect the way it used to

And I'm hurtin' in an old familiar way”

In S01E09 TK had told Owen that Owen is an addict like TK, always chasing the first high, although that was in reference to the adrenaline rush that Owen gets when working as a firefighter/rescuer rushing into danger and saving lives. Which is similar to TK running towards the danger (ie drugs) like Gwyn mentioned in S03E08 but also saving lives as a firefighter at the same time.

In S02E02 after Tim’s death, Owen was seen drinking tequila, and although Gwyn was there with him, he still needed substances to numb the guilt of losing one of the members of his firehouse.

In S02E10, we also see Owen bingeing on tequila, using Mateo moving in with him as an excuse, although afterwards we find out that it was because he wanted to anesthetize the pain of losing Gwyn again and to cope with the fact that TK has moved in with Carlos, leaving Owen all alone by himself without his family in his house. Luckily Mateo shared Owen’s secret with the 126 and TK managed to stage an intervention before things got worse.

In S03E09, Owen had told Judd that one of his coping mechanism for his PTSD after the 9/11 attacks was alcohol, and he would frequently come home drunk and say horrible things to Gwyn with Ginsburg (and TK) witnessing his and Gwyn’s fights.

Furthermore, another unhealthy coping mechanism of Owen’s when not involving alcohol is sex. Owen used sex as a way to forget his pain after seeing Gwyn with the baby that wasn’t his, thus the One Night Strand nickname in S03E05. TK was exactly like that in the beginning of Season 1, when he was hooking up with Carlos purely for sex in order to forget the trauma of his breakup and relapse/overdose.

I don’t think it is a coincidence that they keep on showing Owen and his alcohol consumption throughout the series because most of the time when Owen consumes alcohol, it is almost always related to major life-changing events in his life.

Since TK has been witnessing Owen’s self-destructive behavior since he was 7 years old, most likely he had learned from Owen that the only way to cope with the painful reality of life is to use substances to make the pain go away, apart from work. Sure, we still don’t know what is the direct trigger for TK to start using substances, but in my opinion, Owen have played a large part in it, in more ways than one.

[unknown-writing]

The boys reacting to their s/o pulling themselves out of a Bad Depressive Relapse:

Warning(s): Mentions of depression, Intrusive thoughts, self-destructive behavior’s

A/N: I’m very proud of myself for pulling myself out of my bad depressive relapse episode this morning so, it’s time to write some comfort!

This man is pretty dense when it comes to dealing with other people’s internal suffering tbh.

Like, unless your outwardly showing signs of pain, he won’t fully get it.

He noticed that you were...Not your usual self for a while. A long while at that, it started to worry him that you weren’t laughing with him anymore for that period of your slump.

But, one morning, an early morning that is, you had snuck out of your room that you shared with the girls to find Luffy for some much needed Cuddling.

Ever so quietly moving towards his bed, you slowly climbed in. Him feeling movement on top of him startled him awake but, he kept quiet.

Seeing that you were the one crawling in his bed, literally made him have the biggest grin on his dorky face you’ve ever seen.

“Welcome back y/n-san” He whispered as he pulled you in for a tighter cuddle session, you couldn’t help but chuckle but, you kept quiet to avoid waking the other boys.

Soon enough, it was morning, and the rest of the crew saw that you two were finally cuddling again after your depressive slump.

Nami so took a picture with the Camera-snail for blackmail evidence to tease you with.

Seeing you severely depressed drove him Mad.

Not because he was mad /at you/ But because he was mad at /himself/ for not noticing it sooner than he should have.

Robin tried telling him about your depressive slump but, Zoro was completely clueless on what she was getting at.

“My y/n? Depressed? Why? She looks perfectly fine to me.”

That line was a big mistake on his part since you accidentally heard that, which sort of drove you over the edge again

Ngl, it took him quite a while for him to start making it up to you again after that night. His guilty conscious refused to let him rest peacefully until things where settled between you two again

Weeks went by, and even though most of the Straw Hats assumed you where still depressed, Zoro sensed otherwise.

It seemed like to him that you were finally starting to shed your light again, even if it was a slow start at first.

One day though, while the two of you were on grocery duties to help Sanji since he took the role of guard duty this round. You grabbed his arm and hugged it tightly.

it startled him at first because he thought he was being kidnapped or something, but once he saw that you had just grabbed onto it and acted so casually about it

This mans started to blush a pink hue. A brief silenced filled the air between you two before he spoke up,

“...Y/n-san....” He paused before turning towards you, “Is everything ok now? And I don’t mean that fake bullshit ‘Ok’ either...” he asked while looking concerned

You looked up to him, with the biggest smile he’d ever seen. Even if it was a small one, the fact that you smiled again after so long of not smiling, it drove him Wild.

“Yeah...........Yeah.......Everything’s gonna be ok now.” You started off before holding his hand firmly, “I have my Nakama...And I have you by my side. So, I’m no longer alone anymore.” You smiled again while looking up to Zoro, who still had the blush but, a genuine smile back

“That’s my girl.” Zoro just says while bending down to give you a quick peck on the forehead, which made you blush a deep crimson red seeing as you two were in public still.

Okay but, you /KNOW/ this idiot is gonna think it’s his fault your depressed.

He’ll constantly blame himself for your sadness, as it’s not something that could be easily cured with affection or food.

He’s even more sad when he can’t dote on you so much because it makes you feel even worse.

You have to keep reminding him that this was just how your brain worked sometimes.

It wasn’t until Nami and Chopper explaining it to him properly, is when he started to finally understand that some people just feel down and needed some space for a bit.

Even when he was giving you your personal space, he still made you your favorite foods, making sure that you had stuff to drink and eat even if you were cooped up in your bedroom for a long time.

He won’t admit it directly but, he genuinely misses you. He misses your smell, your touch, your face, your body, your everything.

He especially misses the way you can easily fluster him and make him feel like a King, but he’ll deny those feelings if you asked him though.

A couple of month’s had gone by of this depressive state of yours. it was starting to take a mental tole on himself, knowing that you were stuck in those same four walls, missing everything that was happening, being unable to help you at all during this.

Just as he was about to head towards the sleeping cabin area to drop off your next meal, he’d noticed that your door was slightly open. He blinked, confused and worried that somebody had tried sneaking inside of it somehow.

But soon enough, you had popped out, yawning as you’d just woken up that morning. Nothing had harmed you physically from the looks of it, he looked up and down for a while before placing the food tray on a nightstand to avoid spilling the food.

You turn after hearing the tray clink against the wooden surface, “Oh? Morning Sanji-sa--Ouf!” You where cut off from a tackle hug.

Sanji had wrapped his arms around you tightly, holding you so close to him you were practically choking on his hair. “S-Sanji?? Is everything alright?” You asked, patting his back gently

Your eyes widened as the next thing he did was give you a big passionate kiss on your lips. You felt salty fluids on his face. “Oh.” You thought as you realized what was happening

“I missed you so fucking much y/n-chan.” Sanji says after the kiss. Hearing him say that so bluntly made /you/ turn red-faced and start to stutter.

“....Yeah....I missed you too Sanji-san.” You admitted while smiling again after so long of not showing your smile to anybody. Poor Sanji nearly fainted.

Law knew something was off about you even before you realized it yourself.

You were grumpy, snippy, more “tired” than normal. You had constant mood swings that showed up out of the blue. Everything was just...Off.

It didn’t take much for him to realize that you were dealing with Depression. Although he knew very little of your past, he knew that something was eating at you.

Once your downward spiral of your mental suffering began, you stayed in your bedroom for the majority of the time, refusing to go out even if it was for a general meeting for a mission, or even for food.

Law wasn’t the best at communicating his own feelings towards somebody, so helping his crush with her depression was a little bit harder to do than he thought.

He didn’t realize that you would get so bad that you just woke up absolutely /screaming/ at the top of your lungs during a nightmare. The only reason he knew what was happening was because Bepo went to drop off some food for you, and then ran once he heard the screaming.

After a while of some studying on Depression, Law tried everything that he could to at least /try/ to get you to speak with him...But, after a few weeks of this, he started to get tired of chasing you.

“Y/n-ya...At least let me check for injuries.” He said as he sat on the floor, leaning against your bedroom door with a frown....No response.

He could hear silent sobbing and hiccups behind him, which hurt because he didn’t know how to help you! it drove him Mad!

He was about to give up, sighing in irritation. As he started to walk away, he heard the bedroom door start to click open. You peaked your head out tiredly, face stained with dried and fresh tears, your face all red from not just crying but from stress as well.

Seeing you so Broken hurt him. He’s been there before, he’d never wish to see his friends be broken like this...Let alone his crush.

You opened the door wider so that way he could come in, “...sorry....For the mess...” You weakly spoke, allowing him to enter your room.

Once the two of you were in your room, you had shut the door, then locked it behind you...Eventually turning to face Law, the next moved startled him

You were so tired from the depression night terrors, the screaming, the crying and well...Everything else...That you just fainted into his arms! “Y-Y/n-ya??” He questioned as he stood still. No response...Well, nothing with words anyways. A soft snore leaked passed your slightly open mouth

You had fallen asleep, quite literally in his arms. And he didn’t know how to handle it. You were his crush after all! What was he supposed to do!? Move you away!? Fuck.

He calmed down and carried you bridal style in his arms, thanking God that you were a heavy sleeper, and shuffled his way onto your messy bed, kicking his shoes off at least before getting comfortable.

Another week had passed since that night, and throughout that week, law would give orders to Bepo and Penguin to take control of the ship while he stayed put. he would only move to take a piss/shit or a quick shower before rushing to your side again. He’d forgo the shower if waking you would cause you to feel alone and start crying again.

Once that week had passed though, you had woken up to feel a body underneath you. Blinking, you were confused as to what was happening. You then blushed a deep crimson red seeing Law underneath you, holding you so tightly to him that you could hardly breathe properly because of it.

Law had woken up after feeling your movements to try and get out of bed and take a shower, since you hadn’t taken a proper one in the past three weeks due to your depressive state hitting you like a two ton truck.

You then felt an arm snake around your lower waste, pinning you down of sorts, which made you jump a bit and turn to see who’s it was. Only to see Law wide awake and looking upwards at you

A brief silence filled the room before Law had spoke. “Y/n-ya......You’re Ok.” he says quietly, trying not to startle you...Soon, the memories of what you went through during your depressive state had hit you. You saw everything that happened. And then you saw that Law had tried his hardest to get you to feel ok.

You started to cry again, which made him frown in worry, only to . be taken aback by the sudden tackle hug you were doing, “Law!” You kept muttering in between your hiccupped sobs as you held him.

All Law did was rub your head gently and held you close to him again. He didn’t know how to respond. “....You saved me.....” You commented, now hovering over him with a shaky smile.

Those words. Those three single words made his heart melt with pure happiness. A feeling he hasn’t had in a LONG while. Despite the fact that he hated being called a Hero, if he could save /you/ from death? Then he’ll take being called a Hero by you any day.

You just kept hiccupping as you cried of happiness, but that was easily silenced with Law’s next action. You felt Law’s rougher lips against your own, which easily made you stop crying. He broke the kiss after a while and smiled back, “...I’m glad that your Ok y/n-ya.” he says before pulling you down for another kiss

[ceiling-painted-white]

Hiya, love your writing! You may be seeing me a lot💖

Could i request sal x a reader who just found out her pain meds were elevating her mental issues and its been making her self harm bc of ✨psycosis✨ but she’s scared to tell him because psycosis has such a bad rep in the media. She isn’t allowed near blades anymore (probably for the best lol) but whenever she’s angry or scared she punches herself in the face. She’s getting counselling tho, so thats a good step lol!

Sorry if its too much detail or I’m oversharing, and please don’t feel like you have too, I completely understand if you feel uncomfortable 💖

heyy glad to see u in my askbox again!

disclaimer: im sorry if some of the stuff written is inaccurate, and please DM me if there's something i should change or fix. im always open to criticism and feedback, especially regarding things like this!

content warning: strong mention of self harm, therapy, self destructive behaviors, pain meds, mental illnesses, and depression. please PLEASE read with caution

sal with a s/o who deals with psychosis and self harm - gn!reader

✧he's such a good listener

✧you can vent and rant to him about literally anything

✧and he'll listen and offer the best advice he's got

✧he supports you all the way and offers as much help as he can

✧anything that you need he'll do his best to offer

✧if you ever have the urge to self harm/relapse

✧or you're just feeling bad

✧he's the best a comforting

✧he'll hold you and run his fingers thru your hair

✧telling you all about the things he loves about you (spoiler alert, its literally everything)

✧he'd wanna watch a movie or play on his gearboy with you to distract you, too

✧he encourages you to stay away from medication that makes things worse, and tries his best to help you find alternatives

✧he always tells you how proud he is of you for working on yourself and trying to get better

✧and he's there 100% of the way :)

[halinski]

I have a lot of feelings about Buck, like don't even ask, I will never be able to put it into words or anything other than abstract feelings in this world

I just know this, Eddie loves Buck and Buck is ace and Taylor is a relapse ✌️

"You've been shutting me out."

It's ironic, Eddie thinks, that these exact words come now 20 minutes after the black out, which felt like maybe the world had shut down. They were stuck mid rescue in an elevator and well, the world had been such a whirlwind since he'd been shot, and this emergency and that- but now it had stopped. And they'd succumbed to their fate, sat down on the dingy elevator floor, bathed in a red back up light, the building silent around them. Out there, somewhere, a siren rang, and Buck sighed.

It was deep and heavy, like he was Atlas lifting the world off his shoulders for a break, something like relief, like that first deep shuddering breath when your lungs finally recovered from a run. It was way too heavy for a young man, barely thirty, who was finding himself. Eddie knew that Buck had been fighting lately. Mostly himself, but also his parents and past, and pushing past the boundaries of life that had been set around him. Then there was the shooting and Buck had truly been nerve-wrecked, Eddie was far from blind, and hell, he'd been a little preoccupied with figuring himself out, and recovering, letting go and paving the way for a future with no regrets- but he'd seen Buck. It was harder to look away at this point.

But he had, because the world had been spinning and Buck had been putting enough pressure on himself, becoming an uncle, and taking care of Chris with full abandon, and therapy and... Taylor. Eddie hadn't wanted to push too hard.

Now that they were here though, just the two of them...

Buck's looking at him, that irritated lost puppy stare, vulnerable and defiant all at once, like Eddie was the first to venture into certain spaces that made up Evan Buckley. It was a deliberant choice, at this point. Back in the beginning, he'd just reached out a hand and had been surprised to find an anchor to the world he'd never knew existed, and now he ventured further deliberately.

It hadn't been a question, and even so Buck looked ready to fight him, a last defensive wall, before he caved and those murky blue eyes dropped away. Full submission.

Eddie waited, opening up the room and hoping for his partner in crime and rescue to fill it and yet... Buck only shrugged weakly.

"Things have been..." He started half-heartedly, losing motivation half-way through and concluding with a disheartened, "busy." Eddie watched him busy himself with the callouses on his palm, picking and rubbing, as if he could erase the last few weeks of running himself ragged.

There had definitely been a lot less mentions of calls to Dr. Copeland lately, a lot of unfocused Buck, who was making himself smaller, less noticeable and quieter. Not that he was actually quiet, Eddie knew Buck could fill the building with vibrance for the benefit of everyone around within the blink of an eye. But his true emotions dwindled, where they'd slipped out before in shadows of an action, or an obvious plea hidden in drowning eyes - now he was more... Calculated.

And even now, Buck lifted his head again under Eddie's scrutiny in square-jawed surrender as if that was that to this conversation, there was nothing more to be done.

Eddie was not convinced. They'd gotten way too far, the two of them, to slip back down to the trenches in this mud slide. Eddie had found solid footing in his own world, and he was unafraid right here, under private eyes with the one person in the world he trusted most. Solid enough that he could stare right back at the nervous energy Buck was holding back and dare it.

What are you so afraid?

A question he had asked himself many sleepless nights, especially after Carla's little "follow your heart" speech, after he'd laid in bed, heart racing, hearing shots and all he wanted had been to-

All he'd wanted was safety, and he could've kept lying to himself, could've deliriously shouted at the universe that he didn't know where he could ever feel safe again, and yet his own body and heart had long gone betrayed him that day in the hospital just before he'd walked out, explicitly stating that he had signed his heart off to Buck a year ago. He couldn't even call it betrayal, because there wasn't a single cell in his body that doubted his decision, that doubted Buck. He just doubted... Himself.

And maybe that he'd be enough for Buck right now, still. He was so far from his best self, and yet better and more stable than he'd ever been. So he sat and he stared back, arms resting easily in his lap, and challenged.

"Why do you keep going back to her?"

Goddammit, Eddie, way to sound like the most jealous jerk in the world.

Buck winced, eyebrows seeming to ask 'really?' and 'what do you mean?' all at the same time and then shrugging again.

"Taylor?" He asked simply, biding time probably.

"Yeah," Eddie assured, the hum of the emergency light their only company as he waited for Buck to reply.

"She's the only one who really wants me," he said, but the tone of his voice wasn't right. Unconvinced. The admission to easily offered to ring true.

Eddie can't stop the snort of disbelief from escaping him. From all that he's heard about the rust-haired reporter... He couldn't imagine what Buck saw in her. He'd seen the effect of her words on him, saw Buck fall in line behind her with a bowed head, saw how the hurt now flared in Buck's face at his open faced challenge to that statement.

A part of Eddie wanted to grab Buck by the face and scream at him, can't you see?!

You're wanted whole-heartedly by me.

But Buck wasn't his to love yet, not really.

"Look, I don't know what you see on the outside but... She wants me. She chose me and I- what more could I ask for, you know? I'm... I'm working on it. On myself. And for now- this is it," Buck said, rattling it down like he was trying to work it into a checklist.

Eddie just wanted to know what 'it' was supposed to mean. But he nodded, because in a way it did make sense. The same way Ana had made sense, even though she absolutely didn't and he was glad that was over and he could laugh over that foolish affair now.

People had questioned his change of heart when he broke up with her during recovery, but when they'd realized he truly wasn't heartbroken and backsliding, they had taken it in full stride. A little misstep, no great scars taken (well except for the new bullet hole in his shoulder but that didn't really have anything to do with Ana, it just happened to be a part of the same journey heading toward a joined destination) and here they were at a pit stop.

The silence simmered between them, just somewhere right before the cliff, staggering before the precipice toward their comfort zone. It had always taken a little leap from both sides to get them to where they were today. Buck usually happens to fall into his without thinking much, just because he was ready to throw himself in dangers way or alternatively, rushing in out of sense of duty, and making it seem so, so very easy. The way he had walked into Eddie's house and kitchen, stepped right into his space and said: 'i'm here and I'm owning my mistakes because you're worth it' or something of the sort. All Eddie remembered was the care and the genuine emotion he'd felt and... The realization that he'd finally found home.

"It just feels like... You smile less when it comes to her." Eddie still did't really want to say her name. He wasn't about to go out blaming Taylor for all the times Buck was sad- it was just an observation. It took a lot to get Buck to giving up his smile. He hated that Taylor accepted a watered down version of him; bright, bold, and boasting Buck.

"Do I?" Buck asked, a furrowed crease appearing between his eyebrows, truly confused.

Eddie nodded.

"Relationships are always a compromise," Buck offered with a half-hearted twitch of his shoulder. "You know me. We're both pretty stubborn. We butt heads."

Buck flicked his wrist for a useless gaze at his watch. It made them none the wiser about the state of their rescue.

"Yeah, I know you," Eddie retorted gently. "Though, you do tend to have a point."

He could come up with a million examples. Eager, always ready to show up and make it work, Buck. How many times had he burrowed himself into Eddie's skin already with truths that stuck like thorns until Eddie accepted them into his bones.

All he wanted was to return the favor

The man granted him a small, crooked smile. It was crazy how much so little could mean to one person. Desperate, wounded, isolated Buck.

How Eddie wanted to tell him explicitly 'dont do what I did, kid, don't fall back into and habits at first chance just because you don't think you're worth anything else'- there were reasons why it didn't work in the first place. He'd learned the exact same lesson with Shannon. And God, the way Eddie had dragged Buck with him back then, for safety, as he had ranted to him and searched for the answers, only to make the same damn mistake.

That wasn't his life.

And Taylor wasn't Buck's. And Eddie knew this.

Knew from what Buck had told about her the first time she had been around, and from all that Eddie had heard about Buck's relationship to sex. It had turned into a joke at the station, oh, Buck and his self-diagnosed sex addiction, but Eddie recognized that worried little steeple on Bobby's forehead when he reminded everyone that that one therapist wasn't licensed to work for them anymore. But it went way deeper, didn't it?

Eddie knew about self-destructive behaviors. Not intimately. But he'd learned a lot about PTSD lately and adjacent behaviors. Buck and sex was a self-destructive bomb if he'd ever seen one.

And it was no coincidence that Taylor and Buck's relationship centered around physical intimacy.

Buck showed up where he was wanted or needed. They all knew that.

"Just... Make sure you get what you want too," Eddie said. "Put yourself first."

Cue the bewildered, insecure facial expression. Now and then Eddie wished he could hide Buck from the world. Shield him. For now all he could do was stand by.

"Because you'll always be wanted. Make sure the reasons are right for you. It has to be good for you."

And Eddie wouldn't be leaning so far out the window if Buck were to look him in the eyes and say 'nah it's not like that' but all he did was get quiet. Eddie couldn't leave him sitting like that, rearranging himself to stretch his legs out before they fell asleep and casually leaning his shoulder against Buck's.

"You're a good guy, Buck. You deserve only the best.

If you wanted Buck to hear you sometimes you had to get straight to the point.

Maybe one day Eddie could conquer his fear and say what he really wanted to say.

When they were both ready.

[bloodgoddarlin]

Here's the optional continuation of my last ask

If reader is not stopped soon enough in their self destructive training, or if this is happening while they're left alone, I imagine the self destructive behavior would extend to other things, like not eating much if at all, or possibly relapsing into s/h or ed behaviors (no I'm not projecting, what?). They'd try to hide it all from techno and titus if they can, and I have a vivid idea in my mind of them doing their thing, punching something (in my head it's a tree but minecraft logic makes that. Uhhh weird.) And one of their boys comes to get them, gently touching their shoulder to get their attention. However that startles them and they punch whoever is there

Things diverge from here

(If it's techno, they don't actually hurt him, but they freak out about it anyway, insisting they take care of it/him

"There's blood, you're bleeding, let me take care of it."

"Darlin'. Look at your hands. It's not *my* blood."

"...doesn't matter. I hurt you. I need to take care of it. I need to take care of you"

The fact that they clearly didn't hurt him and their shaking hands make it very clear that they are not okay, and they get taken care of (kinda like I discussed in my last ask) )

(If it's Titus, they actually might've hurt him if they're strong enough, and the caring is turned up 1000% in that case, which can cover how bad they're actually doing. Constantly apologizing and trying to give him all the possible comfort while dodging any concerns about their own well being. Eventually they'll be worn down about it and they can get the comfort/venting that they need)

🌌anon

tw: mention of self harm, mention of eating disorders, general self destructive behavior

oooh.... the angst... i imagine that, once he figures out, tech legit just carries you home and cuddles and quietly says something along the lines of, "you're not evil. you deserve comfort and warmth and happiness i will do everything in my power to give it to you. please just... don't hide anything from me, or titus, even if you think it'll upset us. we're a team and we need to work together."

they love you and support you and will do everything they can to help you <3

[carmen-berzattos]

why do you not like jane the virgin season5?

Ah JTV season 5... where does one begin with JTV season 5? The utter disaster. The NERVE to call that flaming mess their best season in promotions. The insanity of thinking this the best that show has offered us when it was their worsT season.

Let’s break this down, shall we?

1. Michael’s return: I was against the idea of them bringing back Michael from the very start. One of the reasons for that was that I didn’t like the implication that the only way to validate Jafael would be by her choosing Raf over Michael in a parallel situation, ‘cause guess what, that’s a crappy message. And makes it seem like whatever relationship one enters into after the tragic loss of a partner is lesser because they didn’t choose that new relationship over the old one, which is not at all something that you want to send to any audience. But my main reason was that I didn’t think they could pull it off. And guess what? I was right. His amnesia happening and I was like okay, but what the fork are you gonna make Jane insist he remembers her only to be like but lol I love Raf so bye. And then she does exactly that but not once does she or anyone else question the rightness of such actions? Everyone is so blase about it? And speaking of memory loss, memories are such a weighty SL to take on and rarely do shows get it right. So I wasn’t expecting JtV to get it right, really. But they still royally forked it up. Because Michael with no memories = Michael is a dick and I’m like???????????? Why???? One’s personality is vastly complex???? It doesn’t hinge on specific memories and experiences only? And even in the absence of the ability to recall specific things you still can have a visceral reaction to things through simple cognition and internalization of certain habitual patterns which has nothing to do with memories?

But, okay, fine, he’s back. He has no memories. He’s kind of a jerk. Fine. Okay. But then he gets his memories back and it has absolutely no bearing on anyone who is not Jane? Rogelio loved him? He was a part of the family for over 3 years? HELLO? Does no one else care about the implications of this beyond the godawful (at this point) love triangle? Where are the emotional stakes? The drama? The fact that they lost but didn’t lose this person and now he’s back and he fits back in but also doesn’t fit in all the worst places and it hurts and no one knows what to do with it? Who the fork care about the love triangle, this person was family and he DIED and then got back and then lost his memories and now he has them back oh my god stop just standing there. DO SOMETHING.

But okay, fine. He’s back. He has no memories. He’s kind of a jerk. He got his memories back and no one cares about it meaning anything except about the triangle. Okay, fine, I’ll roll with it. Now give us some juicy delicious drama for the triangle. But they don’t? Michael doesn’t at all react to her being with Rafael. He doesn’t lose his sh*t in any way about the trauma that he had to go through. He doesn’t have feelings of anger or resentment that he lost years of his life and now he’s back only to find that the love of his life has moved on. And no one is saying that he’d be right in those emotions, but he’s a person, yes? And sometimes you feel things that aren’t right or aren’t fair because that what emotions are like and that’s where all the drama is and I’m just absolutely bAFFELD? that?? they?? missed????? such??? obviously??? ripe?? material??? for?? heartbreak???? that would have made even the most die hard Jafael shippers cry????? How?????? AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM HOW TO DO THEIR JOB?? Do I have to do everything myself to get it right? Not once does Michael react in any recognizably human, non-angelic way. He acts not like a person but a cardboard cut of a man who can do nothing but tout “I just want you to be happy” and it’s like????????????????? why??????????? bring????????????????????? this?????????????? storyline????????? if you will not take full advantage of one of its most obvious emotional stakes???? whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

2. Rafael: Micheal’s return inevitably leads us to the utter garbage that was Rafael’s characterization in this season. Fork me did we get forked seven different ways with how this was handled. First and foremost, Jennie Urman kept saying that it was a huge sacrifice of Raf to bring Michael back to Jane’s life and basically, this is the act, this is the incredible sacrifice that we are supposed to hold as the criteria for everything romantic and that’ll lead us to believe that Raf is the one and I’m like????? dude??? that was basic decency? I know it must have been painful but like..... he absolutely had to tell her he had absolutely no choice???? But no, GREAT SACRIFICE. Said as such so must be taken as such.

But okay, fine, whatever. Great sacrifice. But then what? Then he gets insecure. Which makes sense considering the whole situation about Michael before. But it’s brought up in a way that just makes him.... how do I put this nicely? Makes him a dick, tbf. And I’m like Jennie wants me to root for you but you’re crying about your pain and about wanting to be engaged to the woman whose world just turned upside down and I’m like????????????? Hello?????? Can you calm tf down for twO seconds and let her figure out her way??????????

But okay, fine, whatever. Great sacrifice. Then he’s a dick. It’s fine it makes sense that he’s so insecure. The ghost of the past has crept back up and he’s so damn afraid to lose everything that he ever wanted when he was so close to having it all. And people aren’t perfect and they don’t always react in a perfect way and that’s fine. AND this is a great opportunity to explore his insecurity! And finally put him through therapy! And finally have him move on past his self destructive behavior! So they kind of do that but in the most laughable way possible. So the moment that he breaks up with Jane could have actually been a great character development moment. And it is. Kind of. It’s a moment where he acknowledges that, unlike the first time where he went as far as to try and sabotage Michael’s career to take him out of the competition and win Jane over, this time around he’s not willing to live through that charade. He’s putting his own self preservation and making it easy for Jane by taking himself out of the equation altogether. So, he breaks up with her and we seem to be on the right track, barring the whole Mateo walking in on them situation (we will get to Mateo in a second). Sure, he has that momentary relapse in the following episode where he wants her back but it’s quickly done and he starts to take anti-depressants., And I’m like YES finally, getting to the good stuff! But then... THE WHOLE STORYLINE HAPPENS OFF-SCREEN. Do you know how ENRAGING it is that something so essential to Rafael’s arc in the last season happens completely off-screen? Not once do we see him go through therapy. Not once do we see his perspective. NOT ONCE. Not to mention it happens off-screen in the span of one episode which is like 2 days at most and I’m like????????? (ALSO, an aside to writers: As a person who suffers from depression, the healing is not in the medication, the healing is in the therapy sessions. The medication is important to curb your symptoms and lift up your mood and help your brain cope with the chemical nightmare happening there. But it doesn’t address the root cause that’s made you depressed. THAT happens in the sessions. So you can’t simply throw pills at the issue. That’s only a half solution)

But OKAY, FINE. Great sacrifice. Then he’s a dick, but it sort of kind of makes sense. And then he breaks up with her our of self preservation, and then depression that happens off-screen. But then... but then NONE of his past behavior is acknowledges or talked through. Jane doesn’t confront him about it. And then, when that conversation does come up when they decide to get married in city hall, it’s half baked and doesn’t really delve into root issues.

(I could talk about Rafael’s career, too, but I Do Not Have the Strength)

3. Jafael: Which brings me to Jafael *screams into a pillow*. So like, they’re happy by the end of season 4, and it looks like they’ll make it. And they’re about to get engaged and all. And then Michael comes back to throw a wrench in the plans. Because as Jennie Urman would have us believe, conflict and choosing each other can only happen in the context of a triangle. Heaven forbid that we come up with new storylines. ANYWAY. So all of the problems of early season are discussed in Raf’s section. But then, okay, Jane chooses Raf, she tells him that he’s the one for her and leaves Michael behind. And he’s like lol, nope, I don’t trust you no more. Which, okay, makes sense. If he’s so insecure and has been spiraling, it makes sense that he wouldn’t want to be with her right now. So I go like, yeah, okay, fair. And you guys need to figure your stuff out before you can get back into this relationship. Jane understands that she needs to win him over again and that doesn’t work and I’m like, yeah, that’s not the problem. Let’s talk about the real problem. But then they don’t? We, once again, do not get to see Rafael’s perspective, not once managing to experience what’s happening in his head. So we’re kind of just left in the dark, wondering what he’s thinking and how he’s dealing.

But, okay, fine, I’ll accept that this is not what we will be experiencing. But then once they reunite, surely they will address his trust issues. Right? RIGHT? Well, guess what, I am the forking goddamned motherforking fool. Absolutely NOTHING gets acknowledged. Their reunion is not prompted by a change that Rafael feels about his issues of trust, but rather just him remembering that he loves her. Which we know. The lack of love was never the issue. The issue was, has been, is about his insecurity and there is no reason for me to believe that this has been cured by absolutely no acknowledgement.

But fine, okay, I’ll accept all of this. Fine okay, he remembered how much he’s loved her and doesn’t have the strong will to use his head anymore. He just wants her back. But, surely, once they get back together they will march their asses to couple’s counseling and figure that shirt out, yes? RIGHT? But once again I am the forking goddamned motherforking fool. It is absolutely NOT what happens. Instead, they hurtle head first into their previous arrangements, as if the past few months, ripe with trauma and emotional distress has not at all happened. And, guess what? It DOES, in fact, become an issue, when Raf wants to pressure her into a city hall marriage because he’s afraid he’ll lose her again. And I’m sitting here like...????????/ you think one conversation where she promises and swears that she’s committed to him will actually solve things? An offhanded conversation that you had like three episodes before the finale and will absolutely not acknowledge after???? And I’m supposed to believe that, what, they’re cured? Saying the right words was never the issue, it’s internalizing them??? And marriage is no guarantor of you not losing a person???? You not feeling secure in a relationship will not disappear once a wedding happens?????? hELLO????

All of what is mentioned above about Jafael is also compounded by two other bullshirt factors in their writing for season 5: Mateo and sparks/romance.

The heavy involvement of Mateo in Jafael’s relationship and storyline has got to be one of the most baffling writing decisions of this season. First, let me clarify that I understand that this would justifiably and understandably be hard for Mateo. But Mateo’s direct involvement in the emotional conflict is just... no. I cannot fathom why they had him walk in on Jane and Rafael’s break up. Having him there to heighten Jane’s heartbreak actually undercuts Jafael because it becomes more about the loss of traditional, nuclear family bliss than about the couple itself. And the continued use for him as the epitome of tragedy for this couple not reuniting only serves to reinforce the idea. Making this more of a case where Mateo is heartbroken but reassured that this doesn’t mean that they’re no longer family would have been a lot more effective, IMO.

The other thing: Sparks and romance. Usually, in big couple moments on JtV, there tends to be a big moment, a big realization before a decision is made. And that realization is usually the result of build up from that same episode if not several ones. But, this season, those moments fell short. Jane’s realization was... okay, but wasn’t caused by anything externally that happened between her and Raf. Which, I guess is fair but misses the epic romance factor. But the one that was truly anti climactic is Rafael’s moment of realization that led to their reunion. This is IT, JtV, this is your main couple reuniting. This is your main male character fINALLY ready to reunite with the titular character. No time to hold back now. But then they did? Him realizing he loves her and wants to be with ehr still is merely through a list of pros and cons that he makes about someone else only to realize that it doesn’t matter. This person is Jane. And I’m like... but what changed, really? What shift happened? What did Jane do that made those sparks fly again??? How did he make the leap to actually deciding it’s time to throw caution to the wind. A huge part of this problem is that we didn’t see any of Raf’s point of view. So it’s near impossible for us as audience members to really follow his logic.

4. Cordueva: Now, of course, talk of Jafael naturally brings us to Michael and Jane. I don’t have much to say in their regard except they were done such a huge disservice. One of the things that makes my blood boil is how not only Jane’s book about Michael had to flop, but they also had to make it so that she couldn’t at all get the deal for the book if it weren’t for regelio’s intervention. And it’s such an unnecessary extra dig at the couple? Like why do that? Why not leave it at Jane’s book being a commercial flop? Commercial flops in the book industry are very very very common for a variety of reasons, especially for young authors. In fact, debut authors especially are unlikely to earn back their advances so like, it’s not the end of the world. And it’s hardly ever an indication of the quality of the book if it doesn’t sell well. Just fucking let it be what the fuck Jennie?

(I don’t have it in me to rant more about this couple though there is more that I can just reeeeeel over I’m sure)

5. Petra/Petramos: I’m kind of lumping these together because I do not have the strength. When it comes to Petra’s characterization itself, I think they did.. fine, for the most part. I think she had really good character development and has seemed to finally find her way through life in a balanced way, which i very much enjoyed. And her relationship with Jane, Raf, and the rest of the VIllanuevas became one of my favorite things by the end. Just so heart warming. The thing that puzzles me most about the characterization is her reaction to the triangle. The writers made her the writers’ stand in for Jafael which was a little ... eh? I know that she’s friends with both of them so she has a vested interest in the whole conversation, but it felt disingenuous in its representation. More of a way for the writers to validate their own approach to the couple than anything that seemed to naturally come from the character. Though, again, this is not really a huge deal, I guess, in the grand scheme of things.

Petramos is the one that really hurts. From the moment that we find out about Petra’s long lie to JR about the Anezka situation at the end of season 4, I knew we were in trouble for season 5. I couldn’t see how they could bounce back from that within the span of only 18 episodes that seemed already bloated with conflict and need to wrap up. I knew that while we were going to get some swoon worthy scenes between the two, the writing was going to be truly unsatisfying for the story. And that’s exactly what we ended up with: a half-baked initial reunion, followed by a quick relationship escalation, a brutal, traumatized and abrupt break-up, silence for the rest of the season, culminating in an endgame reunion that was anti-climactic and made no real sense. I have no reason to believe that what Petra and JR went through won’t happen again because the underlying cause that led them to a break-up never got fixed. And JR’s realization is far from effective because it happens off-screen, so there isn’t an arc that we’re following that would lead to the cathartic moment of their reunion. I’m glad we had that, don’t get me wrong. But it was not good enough.

6. Jane: This is the last character that I will go in-depth for. And even then, I’m not really sure how much strength I have for a deep-dive. I’m truly disheartened by the direction of Jane’s character by the end of the show. This is mainly due to the love triangle. Her SL was SO focused on the love triangle that she had very little else to do. And unlike season 1 and 2 where Jane’s love life worked in tandem with everything else that was happening in her life (being a mother to Mateo, her writing, her family, her friendships, her own inner world) none of these things truly shined in this last season. Her most satisfying interactions where with Petra. But all her other Storylines fell flat.

My main beef about this is her writing. What the actual fork happened to them this season when it comes to her writing? Jane has always been so good about incorporating Jane’s writing as a thread that holds the show together. They did it in entertaining and creative ways that weaved it seamlessly into the show without feeling too trite or too self conscious. But this last season just couldn’t seem to give a fork about Jane’s career as a writer anymore. Gone the magical realist elements stirred from her writing. Gone her alternate personas that she bounced ideas off of. Gone all the build up for the book. Instead, she writes the whole books, submits it, gets an agent, and gets a deal all within the span of like 3 episodes. There is no build up. It’s not thought through and has little bearing on emotional stakes beyond getting the deal. The show before has managed to somehow use Jane’s writing to propel forward storylines or plots. Sometimes, they were comedic goals (like her characters materializing and having conversations with her to offer insights, or the time when she messed up and sent a recording of her and Michael’s first time instead of her manuscript) or spurred on character relationships )the time when her story that’s based on Xo was accepted to be published and caused conflict) or were involved in a cathartic process for characters’ development (Her book about MIchael getting written and published). This last book that she writes feels so disjointed and has no bearing on anything else happening in the show beyond itself. It does not propel her into reconciliation with Rafael since it’s essentially the re-telling of their story. It doesn’t write into existence a different ending for the characters that would be interesting and imagine alternatives for their lives. It kind of just exist as a wink wink nudge nudge this is what we’re watching but how and WHY that’s important doesn’t really seem to matter all that much. And I’m like .. okay, cool.

The more disappointing thing about it is the lack of build up. For fork’s sake Rogelio’s telenovela had more build up than Jane’s book. That’s very confusing to me. Why would you not be so damn focused on this book that will bring Jane eventual success like it’s the thing that you’ve been building up to, because it IS the thing that you’ve been building up to?

Her wanting to give up after like three rejections is also confusing. Rejection is literally the name of the publishing game. Three rejections are nothing yo, you gotta be patient and have tough skin. And Jane does not seem like the kind of person who would not have that kind of resilience of that kind of faith in herself to become a hopeless mess after three (3) agents said no.

(Another thing that really salts my roots is how uninterested this show is in the publishing process. Absolutely nothing of what they did is realistic, starting from Jane’s belief that 3 rejections is catastrophic, to her agent putting the book on auction after ONE publisher is like idk :/ how would we sell it to the fact that Jane MAILS in her manuscript like we still live in the early 2000′s. Nearly no one accepts physical manuscripts anymore yo, it’s a near obsolete practice. Not to mention, the whole Michael must agree to the publication of this book is pretty bullsh*t, this is being published as a work of fiction. Not a memoir. There is no case for getting his permission because it’s a work of fiction, will be promoted and published as such, even if it says based on real life events, it’s still a work of fiction. Any problems that would arise out of a specific characterization done by the author will be personal problems between the writer and the Real Life person who does not enjoy the way they’re presented in the fiction. But from a legal stand point, it’s a work of fiction. Those characters belong to Jane because of that fact. But this is more of a personal beef because I work in the industry than anything else really)

The other SL that fell flat when it comes to Jane is the whole thing with Rose. That ending for Rose in itself was pretty anti climatic, but it is even more so by how completely ineffective Jane was in taking Rose down. I’m very confused by why the Narrator would say that Jane took down Rose. I’m like nah man she did shit.

7. Misc: These are just a few other scattered thoughts that made season 5 that much worse. Xo going to nursing school is confusing, out of character, and comes out of nowhere. Out of everything, honestly, this is not something that I imagined would be good for her. Alba and Jorge took so much time from everything else and were simply not that interesting. Jorge is kind of a dick, and Alba has nothing going for her beyond him this season. The other thing that I do not understand is how much time we spent with River Fields. I’m like but does anyone actually care? I know it’s Brooks Shield and all but I don’t give a damn about her emotional journey or her relationship with her daughter. Like just who cares, these realizations have no emotional bearings on our main cast why are we wasting time on this. The shoe-horned happy ending for Michael also felt disingenuous.

All in all, the last season of JtV was bad because the show forgot everything that it did well over the course of it’s earlier seasons. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk