#not to mention my mum is bpd as fuck

[dyslexic-mess]

Not to get political on here, but it always makes me giggle a little when the pro life ppl are like,'But what if your mum aborted you!? 🥺'

Besti. I am the child of a man who, at 30, cheated on his wife (who was at home with his newborn son) with a traumatised 19 year old.

She should have.

[gaykneecaps]

tw vent

[squarebracketsmileyface]

BE SAPPY AND WEIRD ABOUT YOUR PROJECT!!! YOU DO DESERVE A HAPPY ENDING!!! AND YOU DESERVE TO TALK ABOUT THE WAYS YOU REALIZED THAT YOU DESERVE IT!!! ARRRARARA YOURE MY FRIEND AND I LOVE SEEING MY FRIENDS HAPPY

I will CRY /threat

Also I took this as an excuse to ramble, because actually thinking about it, damn this fic has done a lot for me. Like this is dramatic as shit but genuinely writing this fic has changed my life in such a good way. You don't have to read all this lol, it's a mess and weird and ended up extremely long, it was just nice to put it down in writing cos it's been meandering around in my head for a while but I haven't spent much time thinking about it in a coherent way and it was nice to get all my ducks in a row with it all

God though, this fic has helped me figure out so many things, and it's so important to me. Like half of what it helped me figure out isn't even things I could put into words properly, like I can't bullet point most of those things, they're just weird emotional things that are just there.

Anyway, back to my dramatic ass "this fic changed my life." Like just for one I've made friends because of it which is amazing, but also like, just the things this fic has helped me process and understand? Like idk they feel like they shouldn't mean that much and should be fairly inconsequential, but they just aren't? Like the whole "hey maybe I can allow Lark to have a happy ending in an "everybody lives" au of this AU" kinda came about at the same time as I started to really settle mentally into my relationship with my boyfriend and stopped feeling that vague threatening feeling of "this is going to hurt like a bitch when something goes disastrously wrong and ruins our relationship, whether platonic or queerplatonic, forever". Like I started really properly feeling and believing "hey maybe it won't go disastrously wrong and he is just a very lovely guy who absolutely won't turn around and be evil and purposefully hurt me at some later date" instead at around the same time I was like "hey maybe Lark's relationship with Tim wouldn't fall all the way the fuck apart and maybe she'd actually get to raise her kid and be a good mum with a good partner and live a nice life where everything would turn out fine in the end."

And also like, another thing this fic helped me figure out a bit is like, just people mentioning how much the way I write Jay makes them think he'd have bpd in this au? Like I think you were one of the first people to mention that and honestly it's put so many things in perspective for me about just, the way my brain works that I didn't have an explanation for before? Or I did, I tried to explain it with Autism but it didn't quite fit perfectly. And like, I still don't know if I have bpd and I probably won't for a long while, but I write all my characters as me in some way, and Jay especially started out as basically just a self insert wearing a terrible wig and those mustache glasses. But from what I've looked into about bpd now it does seem to fit pretty well, especially the parts people have talked about with like, "very intense but unstable relationships with others"? Thankfully I'm better about that now than I was a few years ago? Tho sometimes I still get scared I'm about to become obsessed with my boyfriend in that way that ruins my relationships with people 💀💀 And the thing with like acting really impulsively? Though I've gotten better at stamping down every rage fuelled "hey you should throw this water bottle at that person's broken arm because they hurt you" type impulse since I was a kid. I now know how not to just lash out and harm people way more than they've hurt me, even when it's all my brain can think to do. So like?

Sorry anyway 💀💀💀 that was such a weird ramble to go on. But speaking of obsessions that ruin relationships

I haven't really talked about it much on here, but when I was 16 I was in a sort of similar place to Jay with Alex, not the friends with benefits bit (though yeah there were a few Very Interesting sexual things going on there that I'm definitely not gonna talk about in anything but the broadest strokes 💀) but definitely the "I'm going to string you along because I like you back but you like me way more than I like you and i dont know how to deal with you, so ill have my fun then ignore you the rest of the time," kinda stuff. And like, I was still pretty angry about that when I started writing this fic and it actually kinda helped me feel less angry at the guy? Because at first Alex was at least loosely based on him and the feelings I had about all that (and then later on Alex became a bit more Also Based On Me like Jay is lol). Like, in my case it was apparently a lot more that guys fault than it ended up being with Jay and Alex? I just kinda assumed it was entirely my fault for not texting him first enough cos I was terrified of annoying him by acting as clingy as I felt 💀 but apparently my guy was just actually a little shitty? (again, not gonna go into that here, it's a mess 💀), but like, for at least some of the less Actually Pretty Fucked Up things he did I kinda got to understand where he was coming from through thinking about Jay and Alex and thinking about Alex's pov. Like, he wasn't trying to be cruel, he just didn't like me as much as I liked him. I got obsessed with him and he was just there for some casual sexting and flirting etc lol

But like, yeah. This fic is so important to me, especially Jay and Tim's relationship. I haven't been thinking about that quite as much recently because I've been focussing on If It Ain't Broken and Jaylex, and I might not even get to focus on it in exactly the way I want to for the next Jam fics in the series, but like. Jay's hang ups over Alex and feeling scared that "what if Tim is just the same" is loosely something I've struggled with too. I'm better with it now than I was a year ago, but even so, every now and again not getting a reply to a message pretty much straight away can send me careening down "oh my god I've annoyed him, oh my god he's not going to talk to me for two weeks straight" street lol. Plus other weird hang ups that Jay most certainly doesn't have 💀

My boyfriend puts up with so much, he's wonderful, ily Vin if you're reading this.

Hell, even the way Jay and Alex end up leaving things at the very end of If It Ain't Broken is actually kinda similar to how stuff ended with me and my guy, I didn't even think about that till now. Alex is just gonna go off with Amy out of the blue and Jay isn't going to know what to do, even though he sort of saw it coming? Like he could kinda tell something was up but he doesn't want to accept it because like "oh well it's probably nothing maybe Alex is just busy. And my guy just texted me one day to say "How do you feel about me? Hmm? Oh yeah? Cool I no longer like you, actually, yeah sorry, I know you think you're in love but. Yeah I've been talking to someone else for a couple weeks now so I think this is the end of our little thing. Bye" lmao. I didn't even realise I've planned the Jaylex 'break up' to parallel that 'break up' 💀 tho honestly Jaylex's 'break up' will probably be slightly nicer on them coa Alex is going to move uni's and they're not going to see each other. So no panic attacks on sight for those two, lucky fucks.

[fayewoods-2]

Was just thinking about my own thoughts and life and how its been impacted by my mum, which im slowly realising its worse than I thought.

I have slightly negative views on sex workers that im working VERY hard to change

i used to have a rather radical feminist like viewpoint, which as i got technology i realised wasnt good

it took a while to get past my own prejudice against trans people, and i still catch myself thinking rather transphobic stuff occasionally, which i absolutely HATE

the belief that polygamy cant work out, which im slowly realising is utterly false

This sorta horrid slightly misogynistic view on women, about stuff like clothes

and then i used to have something against sorta coquette fashion, stuff like corsets

Then theres the prejudice i had against stuff like narcissism and BPD and DID and all that which is mostly gone now, and im trying to eliminate completely

And I bet theres even more stuff that I didnt catch and will learn years into the future that isnt right.

And then theres the fucking self hatred that I have of myself for something ive been wanting to do for a while now.

I literally fucking hate myself for wanting to try wearing a corset and a skirt.

And Dad knows about all Mums views and how she pushes them on us and he doesnt do anything!!!

I brought up wanting a corset to him, he was fine to it, i mentioned Mums reaction when i simply observed off a girl wearing a corset that they were cool and she fucking BLEW UP about how women fought to NOT HAVE TO WEAR A CORSET, and its like NO WE FOUGHT FOR FREEDOM OF CHOICE, FUCK YOU!!! (i didnt say that i just sorta tried not to cry)

and she screamed at me for calling a dickhead a cunt, because its a derogatory word related to a womens private. BUT CALLING SOMEONE A DICK IS FINE, COS ITS A MANS PRIVATE

then theres the small transphobic stuff she believes, while calling herself an ally, the ableism, all that bs.

I wondered why I hated myself but im slowly figuring out that its because of what Mum ingrained in me, while Dad stood by and did nothing.

And I'm so fucking scared that itll happen to my little siblings too. And I'm so fucking scared that when they realise theyll still be here and they wont have a good enough support group, and theyll end up... yknow

and like I dont wanna stay any longer than I have to, but i dont wanna ditch my sisters!!!

[yougotwinterinyoursoul]

idk thoughts

I don’t really know how I am supposed to feel anymore. I know i feel things too deeply and all of my emotions are too big. But how am i supposed to feel them?  Examples of things I have a lot of mixed, but very heavy feelings towards (this is your chance to scroll past):  My mum asked me if it would be okay if my brother gave my niece my old things. Things my mum was saving for me to collect whenever i visited next. I know maybe I shouldn’t be so upset about this, but neither of my older siblings were really there for me when I was a child. They are older than I am and had moved out when all of the abuse from my dad started. I resent them because when they would ignore his calls I was the one who got the shit kicked out of them. My siblings ignored me so much when I was little, and now they want my niece whom I have never met to have my stuff. Not to mention, they guilt me all of the time because I am not “involved” How am I supposed to be involved when I live across the country? I don’t ever go home because it’s expensive and I would rather go other places (not that I can afford to do that either). It’s funny how they can make me feel so guilty for not calling or visiting but they can easily forget that my brother accused me of being a drug addict a few years ago because I take medications for my bipolar disorder and bpd. Or how my sister said to my mum that she’s afraid of me. I am afraid of me, too. How am i supposed to feel about all of this? Because it honestly really hurts my fucking feelings. I am glad they are putting in so much energy into my niece, she deserves that. But why are you trying to replace me? How am i not supposed to see it that way? Or Like idk, friends coming to visit or not. When I ask how long do you plan on staying and then replying with “I need to see the availability of the other person first” like ok. How is that not supposed to make me feel like shit? If you don’t want to stay with me or not see me then don’t. You are not obligated to do anything here.  Also I wish I could stop being sad about not being able to see Paramore. But like I have floor tickets, I was planning on joining the line and getting to the barricade. Now I can’t and I have to sell and someone else gets to. Do you not realize how much that fucking sucks? I don’t know maybe some of you don’t have an attachment to things, maybe you haven’t attempted to kill yourself and have a few bands save your life. I don’t know, I just won’t ever get this chance again and the fact that it’s not going to happen for me makes me feel like nothing else is going to happen for me. I am done trying so hard. I just can’t keep living like this anymore. I need to not take things so seriously and personally but it’s so hard not to. Sometimes I think that I deserve better and more than what I had to put up with growing up. But I don’t know, I probably deserve all of the bullshit I have to put with. I fucking hate myself so much. I just wish to disappear and save everyone the god damn burden and annoyance.

[thedreadvampy]

THEY'RE NOT THOUGH THAT'S NOT A CRANK OPINION

They're real in that psychological diagnosis are clusters of symptoms and the symptoms exist. but I don't think it's in any way controversial to say 'the way symptoms are clustered is a human invention to help clinicians and patients make a maximally educated guess about what treatment or management is likely to work best'

what's diagnosed as a disorder or mental health issue and how it's grouped changes with what we socially consider to be a) a problem and b) a solution. see: homosexuality. see: epilepsy. see: hysteria

and how personality disorders are grouped represents no ability to treat them beyond describing the symptoms, no additional understanding of their causes or how to ease the strain they put on either patients or people who care about the patients, and no meaningful research into how to support people with them

but like you've said it does represent an end point for a lot of clinicians. you have a patient who is suffering because they have poor emotional regulation and sense of reality? they have bpd. boom. fixed it. byeeeee! what's the solution? strategies to address harm? help managing complex trauma? treatment for a neurological issue? we don't know but we'll keep looking? NAH what we'll do is we'll put a stamp on your records marked 'FUCKED' and there an end to it and you can carry that label around forever and let your existing "diagnosis" get in the way of ever recieving a useful diagnosis.

(and sometimes the diagnosis is "person who doesn't like talking to me as a clinician and this is their fault" (psych trying to diagnose my mum with AVPD bc she wouldn't talk to her) or "person who I don't like" (NPD a lot of the time if we're honest))

and these diagnoses actively block a lot of other, more useful diagnoses (you're not traumatised, you have NPD and just think you were; you're not depressed you just have BPD)

and like. whenever we're discussing how diagnoses are grouped to Manage Symptoms we have to ask what symptom management means in that context. and by and large PDs have been grouped as being a) bad b) innate c) incurable d) to do with the patient's inevitable behaviour (not how they're treated) so even if your doctor doesn't see them as those things that's the function of describing them as personality disorders. it's to displace responsibility fully onto the patient while also framing them as inevitably harmful to others.

it's bullshit designed to get ppl off your plate. which has been the case for a LOT of diagnostic categories over the years bc patient-centred treatment for mental health issues (ie treatment which helps the patient feel better rather than be less of a Problem to those around them) is relatively new as the dominant idea. arguably still isn't but it's much more prevalent. and PDs definitely belong to the 'patient as the problem' model imo.

but like even if you AGREE with PDs, PDs aren't Immutably Real in the same way fish aren't real. it's an arbitrary taxonomic category that we use for ease and if it makes more sense to categorise something differently we can just. Do that.

(My more controversial opinion is that DID is actually an exception to the Personality Disorders Aren't Real thing, despite the public perception that seems to hold that it's the Fakest One.

bc a) it's not a personality disorder. like taxonomically that's not how it's used. and b) I DO think that DID is useful to treat as a coherent category. I have friends who have found being able to find specific therapies for split personalities really really valuable in getting to a functional place whereas pretending they DIDN'T have dissociative identities/alters/whatever they are wasn't going to help at all.

I mention this bc DID gets jumbled in a lot in conversations about personality disorders but frankly the reason I think PDs are fake is bc the diagnosis is bullshit. the reason people seem to think DID is fake is bc they don't believe that people are experiencing the symptoms they say they are and THAT'S bullshit frankly. people experience all the symptoms invoked to diagnose these things, the question is whether the diagnosis is a useful grouping. and get over yourself if you're like 'errrr I don't believe people have alters bc that's Cringe Internet Lying' like what, you're the expert on other people's experience? shut the hell up.)

this is my only lke, absolute crank opinion i am a conspiracy theorist & insane but i genuinely dont think personality disorders are real

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

Out of all the Beatles, who do you think had the most stable environment growing up?

Seems like George had the most stable environment to me, but ill rank them all to procrastinate on school work

1. George

@sailtheshipchopthetree informed me on a lot of this in the comments to this post (x) (so credit goes to them!) but apparently Georges mum was a very supportive force, even through Hamburg era and the early, unpromising Beatles career. As well as this, they mentioned that George was getting poor grades at school, largely due to him putting in a lack of effort to his studies at the Liverpool institute. But this suggests he felt so secure in his parents love and affection for him that he didn't fear failure or feel a need to excel in his subjects.

And also, theres this interview (x) of course, in which we learn Georges dad was fucking legend and we love him <333 Plus, George had siblings - and I know in later life him and one of his sisters didn’t speak for years - although I think there must be more to that story that I don’t know, because its just ridiculously petty and cold - but outside of that I recall him speaking fondly of his early family life in “I. Me. Mine.”

I think the Harrisons had some financial struggles, but overall, I feel they were a strong, supportive family unit, with a good sense of humour.

2. Ringo

Ringo I think also had a pretty stable environment - although his father left both him and his mother, so Elsie (Ringo's mother) was left as a single mother - which especially in such a patriarchal era must have been difficult. He had a step-father too, although im not sure exactly when he came into the picture. And then of course there was his sicknesses, which must have put a lot of stress onto his poor mum. But outside of all this, ive heard Ringo had a great relationship with his mum and step-dad - so although that family faced a lot of trials and tribulations, they still seemed like a very loving one even through the more unstable and difficult times.

3. Paul

And then theres the McCartneys. We really don’t know much about Mary outside of what Paul has told us, which tends to be very positive - and so its difficult to discern any clear outline of her as a person. But we know a bit more regarding Pauls father, Jim; although Angie McCartney (Pauls step-mum) portrayed him in her book as a very reserved and self-effacing man, and didn’t mention any instances of aggression on his behalf - this portrayal of him seems to be contrasted by mentions from Paul that his dad would hit him into his late teens, and was arguably overly-controlling. Thats not to say though that I don’t believe these two sides to Jim couldn’t co-exist - I feel they did! And I wouldn’t be surprised if Angie seldom ever saw him yell or anything, as they married when Jim was already ill and old, and therefore more fragile. But I think Jim could be both a stable and unstable force - where in some instances his controlling nature was probably quite grounding, in other cases it perhaps drove Paul towards an insecurity.

Theres also his mothers death at 14, which was very abrupt for both Paul and Mike, being that they weren't told of her illness until shortly before her passing. A disruption like that probably threw Pauls once overall stable and loving environment into chaos.

4. John

Im very conflicted with the whole Julia vs Mimi thing, and I just dont know who to believe. Some say Mimi practically just stole John from his adoring mother, Julia, solely on the basis of classist and sexist reasons. Other people say Julia was reckless and negligent, and Mimi was genuinely concerned. I think it was a bit of both really - my guess would be that Julia could be impulsive, a bit reckless, and emotional, all of which had the capacity to be both good and bad traits! And I don’t doubt that she adored John - but I think she was probably struggling with some sort of untreated mental illness (perhaps BPD or Bipolar, or both even? Just pure speculation, but I think it was definitely something) that could make raising a child challenging, and so I do think Mimi probably intervened with good intentions - although I believe that there was also classism and sexism involved in her making this decision to “adopt” John in a sense.

Alf I just don’t have much to say on because he wasn’t in Johns life throughout his childhood, but it clearly promoted an insecurity within John and his attachment patterns. And there was also Johns Uncle George, who was effectively a father figure to him until he abruptly died when John was 13. He’s someone who can tend to be overlooked in his significance to Johns abandonment issues - but certainly his death did really displace John. He apparently complimented Mimi well, because he was a very easy-going guy, whereas Mimi was clearly quite stern and strict and difficult; and I cant even go into all my thoughts on Mimi here cause I have so many (though I don’t hate her, but im definitely not a cheerleader). I wrote out quite a lot of my thoughts on her here (x) and here (x) though if anyone wants to read them!

Ive just got so much to say about Johns upbringing that I can’t even get into all of it rn (cause im tired) but I think you get the point. There was a lot of instability.

[rollforjackass]

AAAA THOSE ARE MY TAGS everything you had to say was so so fascinating, and i relate personally to a lot of it! i'll put my own stuff under the cut because i'm not good at judging what's too much vs not enough, so similar trigger warnings to above. additional tw for mentions of alcoholism & substance abuse.

but i definitely see the argument for everything you talked about above! i won't speak to bpd or schizophrenia because i have little to no experience with/knowledge of either (just one freshman-level psychology class and my own random research for myself), but as someone who also has c-ptsd from abuse, specifically childhood parental abuse, i'm aware that it can have a lot of comorbidities or similarities with other diagnoses, such as dissociative episodes and hallucinations. so there's definitely the possibility that he's been being triggered again and again and had his c-ptsd all but develop legs, which would account for a multitude of the symptoms we see him express during the various runs, but i wouldn't rule out a cornucopia of different things. he's such an unreliable narrator, and especially in illustrated form it's hard to tell what's a narrative device and what's something he's tangibly seeing. bpd and schizophrenia would absolutely account for a lot of his behaviors, and so would c-ptsd.

there's also a lot of ways that other disorders can develop through continued exposure to trauma, i believe, and it's fairly clear in the comics that constantine pretty much never saw stability growing up. iirc, he goes straight from the abuse from his father and bullies (and some unkind treatment from his extended relatives while his father was in prison) to being SA'd while running away from home, to the situation with chas's mom queenie and slag (where he was SA'd again), to food and housing insecurity, to newcastle, and then to ravenscar, all over the course of his teens to early 20s (again, i'm just going from memory so i may not have it all down pat with this timeline). everything you've listed and gone into detail about above makes total sense for him.

relating to the way constantine handles his trauma from abuse specifically, one of the things i absolutely love about vertigo is the way that they did include all those 'fawn' and 'flight' reactions that build up over time instead of just the idealized 'fight ones', as well as the internalized guilt and the kneejerk acceptance that anything that goes wrong is probably your fault. growing up, i struggled a lot with feeling guilty for making my abuser angry with me, and was manipulated a lot into feeling bad for them when coming from a stranger i might have been fucking furious, and i see a lot of that in constantine. the family man arc for example: a lot of times, media tells us that when our abuser dies we should feel contempt and victory. constantine's reaction to receiving the postcard with blood on it and confirming with cheryl that his father died was to panic, sink to the floor, cry, and blame himself. in issue 100 when he finally learns how his mum died and realizes that his dad had been projecting his own guilt onto constantine the entire time, his reaction is one of betrayal, not vindication. he never gave up on trying to appease and impress his father, and still quite genuinely loved him in the end. that's a rare thing to see in media about abuse, at least as far as i'm concerned.

i also think the margaret thatcher era had a huge role to play in shaping who he is, because from the context clues we're given and from what little i've read about that time, mental health was Not taken seriously back then, and mentally ill folks were pretty disparaged. constantine even says at one point that it's the maggie thatcher policy to "throw the nutter in the gutter". he never received proper, compassionate treatment after what happened at newcastle, he got electroshock treatment and habitual visits from cops who wanted to kick the shit out of him. nobody had his best interests at heart, they just wanted to punish him. even the way he left ravenscar was, iirc, just an eventual bureaucratic decision of "we're tired of dealing with you, get out". even when he's pulling himself out of a depressive episode or nervous breakdown, he almost never does it kindly; the most i remember of constantine's self-pep-talks are along the lines of "we go on because we have to" or "get it together" or "__ needs you". in fact, he tends to project his reasons for living onto his friends and family, even when they hate him at the time, which is a common sibling-brand symptom of c-ptsd from childhood abuse (at least according to my therapist; source: am a sibling). not only was he taught to blame himself for everything, he was taught that he doesn't deserve kindness from anybody, or patience, or understanding.

and that's where a lot of his anger comes from imo, because he's old enough to have had that moment that a lot of people (like me) have growing up where they look back on the unhealthy values they've internalized and the terrible memories they've suppressed and go "i didn't deserve that". to recognize the ways that other people have been treated kinder (or the ways that he's treated other people kinder) than anyone ever treated him and want that for himself, but also feel like it's too late for it to have any real effect.

this has mostly been a ramble about his c-ptsd, but i do think part of his rage could be due to a heightened internal sense of justice, too. i've read that a lot of neurodiverse folks, specifically autistic people (like me), have a particularly strong sense of right and wrong, and often struggle socially because the world doesn't run on solely right and wrong, but personal interests. i personally have gotten into lots of trouble growing up because i felt things weren't just or fair and while sometimes people agreed with me, it was "the way things are" and i had to conform to that fact rather than trying to change things. constantine sticks up for the little guy, he rails against bigots and sprays racists in the eye (to the point that he's known BY NAME as someone not to mess with), his people are the oddballs and weirdos that society would rather spit on than care for. to an extent, that's learned behavior, being the victim of bullies and growing up in the punk scene, but him being neurodiverse as well as traumatized would also make a whole heap of sense as to why he keeps returning to magic as a way of helping people and making the world right. he self-sabotages a lot because of that rage and that sense of justice.

on top of all the many, many possibilities of disorders and trauma, there's also a massive theme of addiction that runs through hellblazer, which is to me one of the most interesting elements that underlies (and probably worsens) a lot of his symptoms and behaviors, and also accounts for stuff like his ever-present guilt, since stuff like alcohol is a depressive substance and the behaviors that addicts can express while high/drunk are alienating, hurt others, and produce strong feelings of guilt during sober periods. (speaking as a former alcoholic)

especially interesting is the different ways that it's touched on again and again in various forms, because we see various addictions affect constantine in quite a few ways (often severe) but only a few are really given weight or treated as such. for example, we see him drink constantly, often to the point of throwing up or in the form of a depressive bender, but it's often treated like a moment for comedic value (pissing on the stranger or singing shanties in a pub) or as an indicator that he's spiraling (his breakup with kit) without actually being addressed as a problem that needs treating. hell, constantine sees brendan die of cirrhosis of the liver because of his drinking and he still continues to knock it back like water.

we see his chain-smoking give him terminal lung cancer and the way it deeply affects him to say goodbye to everyone he loves, but then once he's made the deal for his life he gets right back to it and never quits. we even see constantine's active disdain for gary lester, an active user, throughout the entire run leading up to gaz's death, which can be taken as a form of self-loathing and projection given the way he treats magic.

the only addiction that, afaik, gets addressed as something that he actively needs to change in order to save his own life is, as i said in that last sentence, magic. which is what he's known for, and why i think addiction is such an important factor in his mental health and behavior. over and over again, we see magic talked about as a drug and a fix and a cure and bliss, and it's about the only addiction that he acknowledges as such. like a lot of cases of addiction, magic starts out as a coping mechanism for abuse (the curse he places on his dad and buries in the dollhouse as a child) and then develops into a means of escapism and self-sabotage. he literally feels like someone else when he uses magic, someone powerful and all-knowing, someone who can act on that internal rage and enact justice for all the trod-upon people like him. it's what kills his relationship with kit ryan, in the end, because as is common with people close to addicts, she sets a boundary out of self-respect - where she is not willing to sit through the cycle of getting clean/relapsing anymore - and has to enforce that boundary and leave when he breaks her rules and uses.

i definitely think the desire to make his problems easier to solve by simply finding the easy way out of them (a hit of magic) is central to the way constantine interacts with the world and with other people, and why those moments when he's just being an ordinary guy surrounded by ordinary friends (like his arc with rich, slag, and dani) always seem so silly and jovial and carefree when every moment surrounded by magic is jagged and chaotic and bright colors against overwhelming darkness. and like i said, it can definitely heighten a lot of the symptoms of c-ptsd, depression, anxiety, bpd, and schizophrenia.

anyway i hope that makes sense!!!! i learned so much reading your meta, and it's a lot to think about. constantine's such a nuanced and complex character, he's very realistic and i love that about him. and also, the fact that so many people can read so many different things in him, and see so many different parts of themselves. makes him a very compelling character to me. he's the everyman for every man and his mental health struggles are no different in that regard.

these were some of the tags on the post where john was commenting on if facing demons was because he being self-destructive or if he was being enraged. i say both, and very much do agree with the tags, but i'm putting what i have to say on it under the cut because it's going to be a lot. trigger warnings for abuse, mentions of death/animal deaths, depression, etc. also a bit of rambling. this also somehow turned into psychoanalyzing. oopsie.

naturally, john and i have vastly different experiences regarding life, but i think there's a connect that helps me see things through his lens a lot more clearly, especially when it comes to the psychological.

just a bit of recap on my life i guess, but i'll just say "i got abused" and we'll move on from there. i can connect, in sum.

while john has newcastle and the deaths of friends under his belt, the abuse of his father, the blame of the death of his mother ( though i can't remember if he knew about his twin or not, but i don't think he did ), the magic, the killing animals, the killing of that one man all weighing on his shoulders and then much, much more, the trauma left behind was something i could easily connect with because of the depression, the self-destruction, the instances where even he himself is debating on suicide and alludes to it consistently, while also doing things to save his own ass but also that could very easily kill him. it's conflicting.

for me, i was angry and self-destructive because i felt like the world hated me. i'm sure if there was some form of power that i thought could help make me feel more powerful and i had less of an obligation to my siblings of whom faced the same treatment, i would have taken it and ran with it, too.

but there are things you start to do. you learn to lie to keep yourself out of trouble, give the people hurting you the truths they want to hear and it's something you learn to do in every day life. you'd say something that fed into what they wanted to be the truth and get the same abuse anyway, except the arguments wouldn't be as long and you'd get out of the situation faster. it's a bit of a morbid way to look at it, but while people tell you to "fight back", it's not that easy. i think it's why i connect to john so much- he didn't necessarily fight back against his dad from what we could tell until he eventually did the spell to keep his dad sick. and people will constantly say "i'd just fight back", or "i wouldn't have let that happen to me when i was a kid" and that ends up enforced in some medias that people write.

john does a lot of running and ducking his head and getting other people wrapped up in his shit. it's a path of destruction because he doesn't realize, at first, that it's going to be as big of a shit show as he thinks. for example, with ritchie, when ritchie says "oh i can handle it no worries john it's my expertise" etc. and john trusts it- he needs something done, and someone's willing to do it. but then ritchie ends up another person hurt or dead in what he thinks is his own fault.

you get told the same thing so many times throughout your life that you eventually start to believe it. sometimes, things just fuck up. you get called killer all your life, it only takes so long before you think that, well, maybe you're the curse. maybe you're all the bad shit that everyone says you are.

i do want to note that john does have dissociative episodes, especially in the newer run of hellblazer and he straight up says that. however, as someone who's taken so many psychology classes that i probably could have gotten a degree in it had my university provided the program, that doesn't necessarily mean a disorder, but it does usually fall under ptsd, depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorders, borderline personality disorders, schizophrenia, and other disorders. most disorders fall under these categories, though.

i have c-ptsd, depression, anxiety, and probably a lot of other mental disorders not explored because of past traumas that i could probably connect to his self destructive nature, but john has also probably only seen the therapists in ravenscar that proceeded to give him electro shock therapy while everyone else who had the nerve decided to beat the fuck out of him because they thought he killed astra. so more trauma tacked on to john's little plethora of already traumatic memories.

to be technical, there is a difference between c-ptsd and ptsd. with c-ptsd, the symptoms tend to begin six months or more after the initial traumatic event. *cracks knuckles* there is also a difference in symptoms, though they aren't necessarily exclusive to one or the other. c-ptsd tends to also be a result of ongoing, repeated emotional traumas, and on top of that, holds the trauma of ptsd, and then more. to clarify, ptsd usually has symptoms of dissociative episodes, flashbacks, dreams and nightmares related to trauma, commonly taking part in self-destructive behaviors, etc. to tack onto c-ptsd's symptoms, there is the constant feeling of guilt, constant hate towards yourself, consistently believing the world is bad in general, etc. i also want to focus on the fact that c-ptsd usually stems from childhood abuse, which is why i personally think john has c-ptsd, and then it just got worse from there. but you can have both! that's possible. so. i mean. well. call it like it is, john's probably got both.

anyways, moving on! borderline personality disorder, or bpd, kind of changes somewhat person to person, but overall, i think that the symptoms can fit john, in some cases. i pulled up a list just to be a little more clear and concise, but there is "an intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection" and i would really like to point out that, most of the time, john likes to say things like "i'm not good for you" or "i walk this path alone" or. you know, things along that line. for the most part, he pushes people away before they can get close. "a pattern of unstable intense relationships" and i would like to use chas as an example, which i know people would hate, but there are quite a few moments throughout hellblazer where chas will literally tell john that he hates him or shove his face in a toilet and tell him that's where he belongs.... and john doesn't walk away, he just lets chas walk away and come back because. well. why not? he thinks he deserves it half the time. but also, most of john's relationships aren't exactly stable. half the time, his niece and sister don't want to see him, the other half are his relationships that end fairly quickly, and others are just. john being john. "...seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all." "impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success" the guy smokes after having of had lung cancer. what more do you want for an example. he also consistently does magic even though it's fucked over his life multiple times. again and again and again and he knows that it's fucking him over. unsafe sex can also be debated- in the newer version of hellblazer, he has an illegitimate son named noah that he didn't know existed, for example. and that's where i'll leave that. though in some cases, it can be argued as symptoms of ptsd, though it's possible he could have bpd.

this is going to be the last one, and i am not a doctor or anything but i think that it's possible he could have schizophrenia, or simply hallucinations as a result of any of the other disorders on here, which is sometimes possible but not exactly always common. based on john being an unreliable narrator, there is the suggestion that the ghosts that plague john constantly are not actually there, and that they might just be hallucinations. there are other symptoms of schizophrenia, but i've mostly covered them above. visual hallucinations also include people who are typically loved ones and friends who are no longer alive, i would like to add, but again, they could actually be ghosts, though it's somewhat possible that they're not. in the case that the ghosts are not real....

ANYWAYS. feel free to add more. i did it quick, but. there is this....

[sadaboutfood]

Brief into about me:

I’m 19, female from Melbourne Australia

I have avoidant restrictive food intake disorder (feel free to research) but basically scared to try new food my whole life and overtime I developed ana when I started to gain weight and it scared me, not to mention the weight comments from my mother.

I also suffer with sh issues and have been for the past 5 years. I’m diagnosed with depression, anxiety, complex ptsd, autism, bpd, and lots of su!c!dal thoughts/attempts. I’ve delt with a domestic household for my whole life and to narrow it down for you picture what my parents and house hold is like to cause like 10+ police raids. Yeah.. a lot goes on, when people ask about my family I tell them to watch shameless or something. Mum and her boyfriend are heavy addicts and dealers with so many issues. Mums got all sorts of disorders and takes her frustrations out on me so you can just use your imagination as to what childhood was like. Pre fucked you might say.

Don’t know if I’ll post much but I’m on here for motivation and let’s be real I’m trying to make it worse. isn’t that why were all here? I feel as though I deserve this pain and I deserve to slowly yeet myself through starvation so here I am

[teenage-mutant-ninja-freak]

fuck it, I am gonna rant about my old therapist- why you should always shop around and find the *right* therapist for you

so, let’s set the scene: I’m 14, I’m s*lf h*rming, I have diagnosed depression and anxiety and a couple s*icide attempts under my belt. My previous psychiatric nurse feels like she can no longer deal with me and sends me to this guy that we’ll call Bob (which leaves me with some abandonment issues but alright)

1st shitty thing Bob does: he makes me sit away from the only exit in the room. Now this doesn’t sound too bad, but considering every other therapy room in this building has at least 3 chairs in various places in the room so *you* can chose where to sit and feel safe in the room, it’s not nice of him to only have 2 chairs and make me sit away from the exit which makes me feel like I can’t leave even if I want to because he is blocking my path. This was the 1st sign of the weird power plays he would do that made me hate him so much.

2nd offence: he was slightly creepy- we were talking about my anxiety, while talking about that I briefly mention that my mum’s a lesbian (I think because I referenced her girlfriend at the time) and instead of talking about my anxiety he questions my sexuality which is none of his business and also creepy considering the conversation was nothing about that 

3rd thing: he never fucking listened. he had to miss one of our sessions which was fine because I had to miss the same day as I was visiting my aunt and uncle. Seems fine, right? Nope, because I didn’t really talk the next session, he blamed it on him missing a session. I told him that wasn’t the case but the next session he said the same thing, and the next session and the next- so on and so forth.

4th thing: power play pt. 2- he would never talk first. he would call my name to bring me into the room, and then we would sit in silence until I spoke first. eventually, because I didn’t like him, I got petty and wouldn’t talk at all which means we would waste 30-40 minutes of a session in utter silence because I was too stubborn to talk and he thought not talking first was some kind of power move.

Now, if none of this seems too bad, it gets worse. Eventually when he (after like 50 minutes of silence) brings up AGAIN that “Is this because I missed that one session?” I just start yelling and swearing at him because he’s pissed me off so much and then leave therapy and never go back to see him. His ego is clearly bruised by little 14 year old me. 

cut to 3 years later, I’m 17 and I’m in collage. A friend of mine who I’ll call M is being treated by Bob and I’m back in therapy as well. I legally changed my name at 16, like my full name and he only knew me by my birth name but would continue to call me by it even after M told him that’s not my name anymore and we even took a photo of me holding up my collage ID card with my new name on it and flipping him off in the picture because screw him. 

Then at 18 I’m diagnosed with BPD, he (for some reason) invites me mother in for a few therapy sessions and tells my fucking mother (despite having not seen me for 4 fucking years) that there’s no way I could have BPD making he invalidate my illness and completely undermining the professional opinion of the psychologist I was working with at the time who diagnosed me.

When I told my psychologist what Bob was saying and he looked pissed as well I felt so vindicated that it wasn’t just in my head that Bob was out to get me even 4 years later, I wasn’t just paranoid, he actually did have a vendetta against me.

Anyways, moral of the story: some people get into therapy to actually help others, some people just like the control they can have over you with that profession so be careful and if a therapist or mental health professional gives you a weird vibe or doesn’t work for you, please, please, please find a new one (if you can).  You should never be not listened to or belittled or make to feel uncomfortable by someone who is supposedly trying to help you nor should your diagnosis be undermined by someone who isn’t even treating you and hasn’t seen you for years.

Thank you for coming to my Ted talk (if you’ve even made it this far, well done)

[far-off-flower-fields]

Okay another update on the situation with the psychiatrist situation.

I heard back about a week later, but it was the receptionist again. She said that my appointment hadn't just been cancelled without actually telling me, I'd actually been removed from his patient list, ie I wasn't on the waiting list and needed to go to a doctor again to get another referral. I tried to play it cool but just kinda started to cry because I can't try to get on with my life until this shit gets sorted so I can get some benefit stuff sorted and maybe find a mental health management system that actually works for me. She's really nice so she was asking if I was okay and I was trying to just say I was because I was also about to have a meltdown, but then I managed to explain that I had trouble getting referred in the first place because my go sucks. She literally was like hm I wonder if we have the same gp, and then said she'd send another email to the psychiatrist to see if he could work something out.

I should maybe preface this but by explaining the steps I had to go through to get referred, I spent about 3 years going in and complaining about my mental health, I tried a new medication which did literally nothing, I saw a counsellor who was a terrible fit for me. Then when I stopped that I went in to the doctor and said I don't think I have my full diagnosis and why I think that and that I want a referral for that without saying what I think could be my issues and they said they couldn't. I went in again and asked again to a different doctor, this time saying the things that could be going on in case that made a difference but as soon as I mentioned that I think autism or add could make sense (without speaking in certainties even though I've done a ton of actual research) and they point blank said that even though it was so long ago and I had to convince them to even look at me that my diagnosis is exactly what I was told (doctors don't like when you say another doctor got it wrong even if you speak as cautiously as you can and the doctors were literally on the other side of the world). I went in a third time this time only mentioning the possibility of bpd and they actually referred me through. Then I waited several months (like 4 or 5) and my mum buried my appointment notice under some towels so I missed it, then had to reschedule, then that was set to march 31st and the lockdown happened and I've covered the rest already.

The day after I spoke to the receptionist I got a call from a doctor, this time it was the one I spoke to when I got a medical note because of my mental health when I first went on the benefit and I'd told her back then about my "postponed". She was confused because she received an email from the psychiatrist basically asking if she thought I actually needed seen. I explained to her that it was starting to feel like he just didn't want to help me (because it does), but I also explained how my day to day life/mental health is rn and she was like yeah no that's not acceptable and that I shouldn't really be waiting this long so she re-referred me as urgent. She asked if I'd likecto try some medication or just wait and see what the psychiatrist says, I ran through all of the meds I tried that haven't worked and that I've seen so many counsellors who all tried cbt on me to no avail, and she was like yeah you've run the course and tried all there is.

So now I have to wait, probably 3 months minimum but more likely closer to 6 months to move back through the waiting list. Which means I'll be just starting the process of getting diagnosed for whatever is in my head literally a month or two before I wanted to move out of my toxic parents house so there's that out of the window. It also means I have to push back getting married because I'll be doing that just after we move out since otherwise we can't actually see each other more than every second weekend and my benefit will be reduced. My life literally has to continue to be put on hold because the nhs (especially for mental health services) is hugely underfunded and most GPs are shits who won't listen.

I'm so sick of this, I bet they're just hoping I'll give up and just like go back to work and promptly fucking drop dead.

Still 99% sure I have some sort of neurodivergence and/or bpd and I have serious doubts after how the psychiatrist has been acting so far that they're going to listen to me when I actually explain all of my shit and take me seriously because he just seems like he can't be bothered or doesn't have time. I literally have no choice but to keep pushing though.

[habibialkaysani]

so look. I have been having another bad brain week. am thinking it would be good to get down some of why I’m feeling shitty. this will get long.

1) I just feel inexplicably sad all the time. so fucking sad. and I’m trying so hard to have energy to do shit, but it’s so difficult esp when out of nowhere I keep being on the verge of tears for no apparent reason??? and because of a combo of my meds, my hormones (bc my period is due soon) and my bpd flaring after a manic phase - I just feel really turbulent in my emotions. I go from up to down in ten seconds and I hate that. 

2) things have been super stressful with family. it looks like my little brother has a drug problem because he got arrested a week or so ago. he wasn't charged but I'm still super worried about him esp because he won't open up to me no matter how understanding I try to be with him.

3) then there's my nan, who is now out of hospital but who is also not given the best prognosis - I don't know the specifics but unless she has a liver transplant she doesn't have that long. which worries me. especially given how my uncles are just really shitty people who keep picking fights even while their probably dying mother is suffering.

4) speaking of. everyone is going to see my nan in my family and social distancing is not a thing for anyone right now. and family members keep getting huffy because we want to keep shielding speedy.

5) I got an email from work from a certain colleague who tbh I did not have the best relationship with saying that she was leaving, and that someone in another office was briefed on my furlough situation. but in the email it seemed to suggest that me returning to the office wasn't completely off the table which seemed strange, because when I was first told I was being furloughed it was with the understanding that I would eventually be made redundant. and idk. the thought of returning to that office... for some reason it fills me with dread. I've been having a lot of bad dreams about work and I hate that. I hate that I have to work and make a living because I don't want to. I hate being an adult.

6) I'm trying to do other stuff that I need to get done and I'm making progress with some writing things, but finding the energy to do that is so fucking hard.

7) I've been having so much trouble with my body image lately. like I've touched on this before but I've had a high bmi for a long time, and at one point it was 35, which is well into the obese category. but when I look in the mirror I - don't feel its as bad? like I know my mum's weight. it's a good five kilos less than me but her tummy looks bigger and physically she looks bigger than me. I say this not because I want to start any kind of competition or point scoring exercise - for certain my mother has been doing more walking than I have because I hate going to the park knowing that people aren't socially distancing or taking it seriously. I'm only mentioning it because I'm wondering about the limitations of bmi. at the same time maybe I just can't see what is on the scales. my bmi did go down a bit in recent months and was around 32 last time I checked, but I just. kinda like my mood, I keep bouncing between liking how I look when I see my reflection, to hating myself with a passion. and neither of those things are good for me.

8) generally I feel really tired all the time. even tho I haven't been doing much. like technically I am bc speedy needs homeschooling and that has been my job in the absence of an actual job. but I haven't been walking much. I haven't been moving around. and quite honestly I'm wondering what the point is of all this, because being in lockdown this long has not been fun. and given the uk is not exactly doing well in terms of coronavirus transmission and deaths I highly doubt they're going to go through with their plans to open up.

tl;dr I need to figure out my purpose in life because my brain is a mess. I don't think that means I'm going to be doing anything drastic so if you're reading this and are worried, don't be. I know I have it easier than some people esp because I'm still being paid, just not my full wage. I just feel really lost, and anytime I want to have a conversation about it I just - don't know who to talk to. this is deep shit and I don't want to land anything on anyone. its not fair that I keep having these mini breakdowns and for anyone to have to shoulder that burden for me. but hopefully just getting it down in words will help to get it out of my system.

[qveenbpd]

I'm so confused maybe someone could weigh in?

Tw Sui and self harm mentions**

Me and my partner Josh, got together around December 2018. I'd just been broken up with by my fiancee at the time, lets call her Jane, and I was in a vulnerable place. She cut off all contact with me after the breakup. She had a really bad lying problem and it sorta fucked me up and I did stuff I wasn't proud of (developing feelings for Josh but we never acted on it til after she broke up with me). Mostly me and Josh were good friends at the time.

He was funny and sweet but kinda emotionally immature. He has a bad history of self harm and has attempted sui twice seriously and more times in a sort of more half hearted way (if that makes sense.) He has been in a mental health clinic as an in-patient twice about 6?? Years ago. He says he has a bad memory so he can't remember how many times or how long but I know he was there coz his family knows.

He grew up abused and has bpd traits, I only say coz I identify with him. Reading into people's actions and he splits on me a lot. He'll say he wants to break up and doesn't know if he loves me, then he will say it was just his brain telling him that later.

This morning I woke up to a lot of missed calls from him, I texted him and he said he was at his mum's. Long story short he says I am emotionally abusing him. This will get long if I go into detail I guess so idk what I'll get out of it, but I don't emotionally abuse him. My bpd is under good control which is why I don't use this blog for what I used to anymore. I've been happy beside my PTSD (which is mostly unrelated to what caused my bpd)

He is saying he's scared of me. I know this shouldn't matter but I'm 5'3 and tiny and he is 6'4, 100kg and works as a justice officer (prison guard). The idea of me scaring him is confusing to me.

He is going to stay at his mum's for a while. I rang her and she was very short with me, she didn't seem happy with me so God knows what he's told her. She said he's better off there. Which honestly I agree with coz I can't have this around me atm I have kids in the house and family, coz of covid-19, but what she meant was he should stay away from me. 

Connecting me to his suicidal mood just coz he lives here is a bit silly, as he has never tried suicide and only self harmed once while living here since 2018, whereas when he was living there he did it all the time and attempted sui multiple times. His dad hits the kids and throws things at his mum to this day. Josh left his job at the family business coz he's scared of his dad. None of this makes sense to me.

He seems to only bring up me being "mean" when there is something he doesn't want to do. 

And this comes back to Jane, I can't shake the feeling I'm being lied to and manipulated. After a long chat with my brother, he seems to think I'm the one being manipulated and abused. I was, hand on my heart, totally honest about everything that goes on, including the things I do wrong. Like get angry at Josh when he doesn't listen to me, when he ignores me, when he won't pull his weight around the house.

When he was scared of his dad he said he wanted to quit his job. After his dad attacked him with a metal rake, I said please quit and stay safe, I'll support you. His mental health and physical safety is more important than money and I was working. I supported financially him fully for 4? Months I think, maybe longer. Now I'm not working coz of covid-19 and he's just at him mums, idk if he is coming back, and when I asked what I'll do financially he just said 'idk sorry'

Am I the cunt here? Am I too mean??? Idk

Take this as a rant if it makes no sense coz I can't think straight right now

Eta

He has hallucinations. Once he said I appeared very big to him, like a giant, and he was scared. Also he said that he thinks I have a 'game' where I see how far I can push him before he commits suicide. This.. isn't true?? That's wild? I think he has bad delusions but I can't say that coz then I sound like I'm gaslighting him

[fairiencarnate]

Being diagnosed with "quiet bpd" is so weird like, I have most symptoms but not all of them. And specifically not the more "obvious" symptoms I guess. I very rarely feel represented anywhere. The references in shows, films, most social media posts, etc, aren't relatable to me at all. Like yeah I have problems with my all or nothing/black or white perspective, my impulsivity and self destructive tendencies, my extremely low self esteem, abandonment issues, etc. I even have the constant "this person is terrible and toxic for me and i must leave immediately" and then next minute "ive never met anyone better and i want to marry them this afternoon". Maybe the difference is I just let it stir around in my head most of the time until I start to drive myself insane, instead of acting on any of it. Maybe its because I have social phobia counteracting it, telling me to be quiet and not draw attention ever. I fucking hate being the centre of attention. When I decided to go to boarding school for my final year, my mum threw a surprise farewell party with some relatives, and I was so uncomfortable and mad (I begged her not to throw me one) I just curled up on a picnic blanket behind my fav cousin and napped, ignoring everyone. It was either that or coming out of my dissociative state and crying in front of everyone. The other thing though is there's still SO much stigma around borderline people. Even those with severe symptoms, they're still just struggling humans, not fucking monsters like they're portrayed. Yet the only time bpd is ever mentioned in the mainstream world, its something like "this lady fucked her manager for a better position and then faked pregnancy to coerce him into marriage, and then murdered his whole family when he found out she was lying and dumped her". I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling weird about this diagnosis and I want to accept this part of myself more

[bpdeadd]

also I love how in fam therapy today my mum was going on about how I don’t like to be abandoned by friends and such and get rly upset by it and expect ppl to be completely loyal to me and I get rly super attached to like one person and I'm like YES I KNOW ITS THE BPD and me explaining about favourite persons/fps, idolising/devaluing ppl and legit abandonment and rejection issues and as soon as I mention bpd everyone sighs irritated and rolls their eyes and I'm like ???????? are you fucking ok like wtf

[tidesreach]

what are your top 5 clips/scenes from s2 of skam italia? (i know it's hard to choose)

This was incredibly difficult, anon. How dare you? But l gave it a good go. This took longer to answer than I intended because I am me and thus I could not stop prattling on. Sorry? But here we are:

1. La Grotta / Martino e Niccolò

Tied first place because it is impossible to separate them. I refuse. I know I have already talked everyone to death about both of these clips but I just adore them. Every single thing about them. They are so important. La Grotta took my breath away. Both Rocco and Fede did such an incredible job at conveying the emotion of this moment. Because the thing is, Marti's issue was never entirely to do with Nico having a mental illness. Despite what happened in Milan, Marti still wanted to see Nico, to know that he was okay. Marti's struggle was predominantly with the idea that Maddalena (*side-eyes*) planted in his head that Nico's illness somehow voided their relationship and his feelings for Marti. Nico's illness never made Marti love him any less. In fact, Marti was afraid of the opposite. That Nico's illness meant that Nico didn't love him. And all of that is just so apparent in this clip. Because as soon as Marti realises that Nico is truly in love with him, not even God himself can fucking stop him from getting to that terrace. The entire scene on the terrace is utterly heart-wrenching and breathtaking. One of the most beautiful things about that moment is that Marti does not stop smiling through it all. It is the most certain and understanding and reassuring smile. He looks at Nico with so much softness and conviction. Because he knows that Nico loves him now. And that's all that really matters. Yes, it's going to be tough. But it's worth every second. He breaks through Nico's shame. He literally kisses away his tears. He soothes Nico's deepest fears. And all Nico can do is watch in silent awe that this boy really exists in front of him. That Marti's not ashamed of him or abandoning him. Like, it's so beautiful? Everything about it is just so beautiful.

Martino e Niccolò is just as beautiful. I've talked about this before so I'm not going to write an essay, but Nico's fragile vulnerability hit me like a fucking train. I can feel every single moment of his conflict and shame in this scene. Of how utterly terrified he is of Marti witnessing a depressive episode. Terrified that he's going to drag Marti down with him and that Marti will inevitably end up hating him and leaving him. And Marti handles it with such care and reassurance. So much gentle certainty. I am truly in awe of that boy. He is such a grounding presence for Nico. It was so lovely to see Nico respond the way he did. Because despite how completely horrible he feels he manages to smile. And that's a wonderful thing.

(Also I love when Marti's on the phone to Maddi and she says, "It's not true that he only wants to be with you because of his illness" etc. Because Marti's face is so funny? His expression literally says, "Yeah, cheers, but I already fucking know that now. No thanks to you." In fact, he doesn't even dignify the comment with a response. I love you, Martino.)

2. Due Ore

I will never forget the night that clip dropped (or the previous night when we were all sat waiting for it and it didn't drop, what a fucking time). I love every single second of Due Ore. The atmosphere -- the feeling -- of that scene was just incredible. It was like an exhale. You could feel it. Could feel the relief, the finally, this is where we're supposed to be, after the tumultuous push-and-pull of the last couple of weeks. You could feel the inevitability of it when they were stood there staring at each other. Nico's nervous anticipatory smile as he waited for Marti to make the first move. Marti grinning back at him in earnest. They both knew that there needed to be an actual conversation at some point. But in that moment it just wasn't necessary. It could wait. Because everything was written on their faces. This is what I want. You are what I want. We talk about fate a lot with these two -- the red string of fate! -- and I never felt it more strongly than I did in this scene. You could almost see the damn string tying them together. It was inevitable and they both knew it.

3. Patatine e Marmellata

Getting to see them wake up together was such a blessing. The way Marti was sleeping on Nico's chest, gosh. They looked so peaceful and content. It was wonderful. And their conversation -- the conversation that they inevitably had to have -- about Maddalena was important. "I want to figure out how I feel for myself." It gave us an important insight into Nico's headspace and the way the people around him treat him and his illness. When Marti directly asks him how he feels, Nico's face just lights the fuck up. It hurts my heart a little. When was the last time someone asked him that without trying to dictate the answer for him? His soft, whispered answer of "You know perfectly well. And it's never happened to me before." He knows how he feels and he can finally say it and not have it questioned. Marti's smile and his little breath of a laugh -- like he just can't contain how delighted he is that they feel the same way -- before his "Me neither". And then of course, Buon Viaggo. The way they literally cannot stop grinning at one another. Their soft kisses in between serenading each other. I mean, you could not make this up. And god, the way Marti stares up at Nico when he starts singing absolutely floors me every time. He is so in love with him he is completely incapable of keeping it off his face. Then he just straight up calls him the man of his dreams. And not forgetting the boys and their incredible dance and sing-a-long while cleaning the kitchen. How was this clip even real? What a fucking blessing.

4. Nel Mio Letto

Soft Boyfriends(tm). This is always my first go-to clip when I'm feeling particularly awful. Because there is just something so incredibly comforting about it. It's like a warm blanket and a hot cup of tea on a bitter cold winter's day. I think it's to do with the cosy softness of it all. The way they're intertwined. The sleepy cuddles and kisses. The coffee. The coffee heart. The song. It's like a wonderful bubble of contentment. Like Nico's bed is its own little safe haven. I love the whole atmosphere of it. It really does feel like they are the only two people in the world. Which ties in perfectly with their conversation about the last man on earth. (Still sad they didn't get their three days in bed though.)

5. Halloween

HALLOWEEN. Everything about this is iconic. The giraffes on the beer glasses? Marti dramatically ditching his mask in front of the Catholic church? The lighting in the pool? That shot of them underwater where they're surrounded by an endless expanse of water like they're in the ocean? Nico somehow managing to never stop fucking smiling at Marti even when trying to hold his breath underwater? I love that Skam Italia managed to make the pool scene their own. It was a world away from the OG scene (in the sense that it has a completely different feel to it) and I love that. I love that they're both essentially the same scene but evoke so many different emotions. There was this sort of giddy anticipatory feeling with Marti and Nico. Their kiss was like taking that first breath after being underwater for so long. The way they clung to each other? The way they were so in awe of each other? Like in Due Ore there was that overwhelming feeling of joy and relief. Finally.

Honorary mentions, because just five is too hard:

Tu Non Sei di Milano

It feels a little bizarre to call it a favourite clip. It would perhaps be more accurate to say that it is a clip that particularly resonated with me. I have only watched this clip in its entirety three times. The first time I was on a bus to London -- frankly I should have known better than to watch it in public -- and I almost had a panic attack while watching it. I sobbed in a public bathroom for a good twenty minutes, it was quite the day. Because I recognised so much of myself in Nico and his behaviour and I felt so much empathy for him. It hit me like a fucking train. It was the most difficult clip to watch, but it was also incredibly important. It took me a long time to rewatch it. The second and third times were difficult too. But also cathartic in a way. When you suffer from an illness like BPD, it can be incredibly isolating. You can feel like there is no one else in the world who can possibly understand what you're going through or what it feels like. Sometimes I think, "I'm ridiculous. No one else does this crazy shit. Why am I like this? Why can't I just snap the fuck out of it?" Watching that clip was validating in a lot of respects. It was difficult to watch but it also reminded me that I am not alone. That there are other people out there who experience the same struggles that I do. Who battle with episodes like this too. It was an incredibly tough watch, but it was so important.

Also, veering away from the more painful aspects of that clip: I absolutely love the way Nico seduced Marti in front of that damn neon light. Marti's soft and naive voice when he's attempting to read the "how fun". Nico's "no, no, it says Marti and Nico" and insisting Marti look again just so he can catch him by surprise in a kiss. Those achingly slow and soft kisses they exchange are probably my favourite kisses of theirs. That scene was just so intimate and beautifully done.

Vediamo

One of my favourite things about this season is the dynamic between Marti and his mother. It was so lovely to watch them heal and slowly but surely repair their relationship. Vediamo really captured the essence of that. Marti's misplaced anger towards his mother during the fallout of Milan. The brutal yelling. The way they both sit on opposite sides of the door. Marti's quiet and tearful "Are you sitting there?" His mum asking him if he thinks she would have a problem with it and then her sobbing "You are the most important thing in my life." The two of them just bloody sobbing on either side of the door. I am tearing up thinking about it. Good grief. I absolutely adore Mamma Rametta. And of course, "Vediamo" and her calling it Martinese for "No." Their tearful laughter. I love it so much. They have their ups and downs but they really do love each other unconditionally.

Effettivamente

This might just be one of my favourite coming out scenes that I have ever witnessed. Fede did such a wonderful job at conveying Marti's inner struggle. The way Marti has to fight to get the words out. The way he falters a little when he says "It's not a girl." It makes my own heart falter every single fucking time I watch it. You can see him wrestling with the words. And Gio, darling Gio. I love Giovanni Garau with a U (it's Sardinian), resident Love Wizard. He's such a wonderful friend and I just really adore the way he handles it. The way he stops playing FIFA to give Marti his full attention. That wonderful and supportive smile of his. How he asks questions about Niccolò and lets Marti get out some of the shit he's been holding onto. He really puts Marti at ease. You can see the relief seep into Marti's body when he realises that nothing is going to change between them because of this. Marti's huge smile when Gio says "He needs to leave his girlfriend" and then ruffles Marti's hair. I love supportive best friends.

And there you have it. Sorry, you asked for five and I gave you about nine. You probably didn't want a novel. But what can I say? I have a lot of love to share.