#not talking about asexuality here but on the topic of labels

[wingstobetorn]

I am still so confused on whether I'm asexual or not.

[writer-ace]

I watched the asexual and aromantic communities get eaten away at by exclusionists and proto-TERFs and queer people making fun of microlabels and people who talked about how they just wanted all of us to stop dividing ourselves so much and people who decided that the concept of the Split Attraction Model was homophobic and people who flooded the ace and aro tags with porn and--

Well, you get the point.

But now a lot of people on this site don't know about ace culture and modern history, so here's some stuff you should know about:

The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) was started in 2001 by asexuality activist David Jay as a forum and educational space about asexuality.

A Carnival of Aces, which is a monthly blogging carnival on ace topics, has been taking place since May 2011 and has included such topics as coming out, non-traditional relationships styles and polyamory, asexual education (which I hosted), and labels and microlabels.

The Split Attraction Model is one model for talking about sexual and romantic orientation that splits out those two orientations, allowing individuals to describe sexual attraction/orientation as distinct from romantic orientation (e.g., aromantic bisexual, heteroromantic grey-asexual). While this model is primarily used by people on the ace and aro spectrums, it can be used by anyone who wants to discuss or describe sexual orientation as being separate from romantic orientation.

The AVEN triangle (or asexuality triangle) is a black and white or greyscale triangle that originated from taking the Kinsey scale and extending it down into another axis to address/acknowledge the range of attraction between what's on the Kinsey scale (allosexuality) and no sexual attraction (asexuality). It's generally presented as white at the horizontal line at the top and then black at the point at the bottom, often with a gradation of shades of grey down to the bottom.

Microlabels are specific (sometimes very narrow) labels for sexualities, romantic orientations, and genders. While these are not aro- or ace-specific, they were often associated with those communities because there was a culture of having nuanced conversations about narrow definitions, often by people couldn't find something that fit their experience in the standard L, G, B, or T lexicon. Demiromantic/demisexual, cupioromantic/cupiosexual, and quoiromantic/quoisexual are all examples of micro-labels.

The ace ring, a black ring worn on the middle finger of the right hand (generally) is a symbol of asexuality that some ace people wear. It originated on AVEN in 2005 when people were looking for a symbol that was rather covert.

Cake has also been an ace symbol, mostly from the idea that ace people agree that cake is better than sex. It used to be common to see a drawing of a cake with the ace flag colors.

The ace of (heart/spades/clubs/diamonds) has at times been used as a symbol for different ace spectrum/aro spectrum combinations. Ace of hearts is generally agreed on as alloromantic asexual and ace of spades as aromantic asexual (aroace or aro/ace). Ace of clubs is sometimes for grey-romantic asexual and ace of diamonds sometimes for demiromantic asexual, but those are less common.

Dragons were also associated with the ace community, at least on Tumblr. I'm less certain where this one came from (theories include that they're mythological creatures the way ace people are seen to be or that it's because there were headcanons that Charlie Weasley was ace).

[chronicbeans]

Queerplatonic Alastor x Reader Headcanons

Hehe my plan of writing headcanons for various Aroace-spec identity Alastor headcanons has begun. This one is with a cupioromantic and asexual Alastor in mind. I haven't seen enough of them, and as they say! "If you want it done right, you gotta do it yourself."

TW: Frustrations regarding romantic identity, complete unawareness of certain LGBTQ+ topics (my man's from the 1920's, he's almost completely in the dark), slight yandere behavior? (I feel he's just obsessive by default, regardless of the relationship type)

• So, this man has never necessarily identified himself with any sort of LGBTQ+ labels. Back in his day, there weren't any terms to use for being asexual or aromantic. At least, not any that he knew of. He's always been comfortable with his sexuality, though! His main thought process was always "I'll probably find someone that I'm attracted to at some point, and if I don't, that's alright." That thought process has also followed him down to Hell, and stayed the same for all these years.

• However... Whilst he's very comfortable with his sexuality... His romantic feelings are very complicated, now. He's always desired to have one, and he's very confused as to why he hasn't felt any romantic attraction, yet. It makes sense that someone who wants a romantic relationship to be able to feel romantic attraction, yes? He's very much in the dark to the complexities of how these things really work, mostly due to him being from the 1920s-30s. He's caught up on slang and technology, but he hasn't bothered to keep up with sexualities and romantic identities, as he doesn't think about them much.

• So, does he ask any more modern demons and sinners for help? Ha! No. He's too prideful, and simply assumes that there probably isn't much of a difference in knowledge on romantic attraction as compared to his day. Yes, he's aware that there's way more identities for sexualities. People talk about them often, and he hears terms thrown around here and there as he walks through Hell. He never hears anything in regards to romance, though. It's simply not talked about as often, from his experience. So, he's completely in the dark. If anything, he's probably completely unaware that there are identities for romantic attraction.

• He does what he can to cope. This whole situation is very frustrating for him. However, at the same time, he thinks that it shouldn't be so frustrating. So, it's embarrassing to him, and he doesn't tell anyone about it. Instead, he does what he believes everyone who is single and ready to mingle does: reading romance novels. More specifically, he flips to parts where said attraction is described, or little scenarios that he wants is going on. Restaurant dates, walking through the park, dancing, holding hands and cuddling. Those sorts of things! Things nobody would ever expect someone as unhinged as him would want...

• The most frustrating part, however, is that he feels he should already be feeling such an attraction to you. You, being his most close friend. You're the one he trusts with certain secrets, one of the few people he doesn't mind touching him unprompted (besides, say, Niffty), and probably the only person he lets his smile down around. Though, he rarely does so, as he doesn't want to worry you. Unlike Niffty, who he sees as having a more familial feeling towards, he sees you as a close friend. His closest friend, but just a close friend, which frustrates him to no end.

• It takes him a long time to even think of mentioning it to someone. However, when he does, he'd feel too awkward to bring it up to you. So, he decides to speak to Charlie about it! After all, she has one of the more "modern" relationships. So, she probably also knows something about whatever is going on with him! And after the long and grueling process of talking to her? He comes out even more frustrated than before. Being unable to feel romantic attraction, but still want romance? Cupioromantic? It is all so confusing. However, he won't question it. He's clearly out of his zone, and he was horribly wrong when assuming the world of romance hadn't progressed...

• You, however, are his most trusted friend. His closest friend. So, he decides to waste no time in deciding to propose an idea to you. He's heard of these things called "queerplatonic relationships", and his understanding is that they are like friendships, but with some more traditionally romantic interactions involved. Which, whilst his understanding of the nature of queerplatonic relationships may be a bit off, he's trying his best. Once you explain it a bit further, emphasizing that they're closer relationships than friendships, but not romantic and can vary widely in affectionate interactions, he is immediately is set on trying to start one with you. Luckily, though, you agree rather quickly.

• Despite him wanting many of your interactions and ways of showing affection to be more traditionally romantic, such as cuddling or going out on friendly dates, he won't cross any boundaries. Both because you're his closest, most prized relationship with another person, and because he can't think of many other people who would even be willing to enter such a relationship with him if he ever asked. Not that he'd want to ask anyone else. There's a reason why he immediately went to you. It's hard for him to describe it, though. Despite being a man of words, whenever he tries to explain why he feels like you are the perfect person for him to enter this queerplatonic relationship with, he stumbles heavily.

• His little ideal for this relationship is, essentially, the types of things he's read in the romance novels he has. Sure, a little bit of a twisted version of it, but at it's core it's the same. He wants to cuddle in a nice, safe, and warm room (while there's probably the screams of an extermination going on the background). He wants to go to restaurants (this man's a cannibal so check your food). He wants to do the cheesy move of handing you red roses and candy as a gift (do not ask how he was able to buy such an expensive brand, or where the two large, heavy trash bags came from or what they are filled with).

• He's going to be very, VERY protective of you. Almost, if not completely to an obsessive degree. He knows how Hell is. People want power, and he's powerful, and you are close to him. He's sure many people are going to go after you, in order to get to him. So, your little relationship is going to be as well protected of a secret as it can be, at first, until he believes he can properly protect you from any danger. And after the secret is out, he's going to be right by your side the entire time. Literally. Whenever he can be, he's next to you. Nobody, except maybe Vox or another pesky overlord, is going to try to hurt you as long as he is there. Even then, he could completely destroy them, anyways!

[faithisyours]

Something to Tell

Azriel x Ace Fem!reader

Summary: You and Azriel are recently mated. You decide to take things slow, but you have something personal to tell Az.

Warnings: coming out, fluff

Word Count: 965

A/N: Sup y’all. Sorry I’ve been absent, a lot of shit happened. Anyways, I really just wrote this one for me. I think the topic of asexuality is really left out of this book series and fandom, understandably so, but I think it would be an interesting subject to discuss, so I’m here to fulfill my own wishes. Given the lore and rules around mates, I don't even know if this could be considered a thing, but I’m gonna try my hardest to make it a thing for my ace baddies out there. IDK if I’m gonna make this a series or not (probably won’t), but maybe see how people like it before making decisions. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to tell me. As always, minors gtfo. Adults, you enjoy!

You’re just finishing up bottling an allergy tonic for your neighbor’s son when the door to your apothecary opens, the bell above ringing out. You know exactly who it is, and you are simultaneously filled with dread and relief. Azriel, your freshly bonded mate, walks into the back room where you are working, his big Illarian boots creaking the floorboards wherever he steps. When you look up to greet him he gives you a soft smile, a smile you return.

You’ve known Azriel for a little over a year now, ever since Mor begged him to come pick up her sleeping tonic from you because she had been busy. But the bond haden’t snapped for either of you until roughly a month ago, when you were out drinking at Rita’s with the inner circle, per Nesta’s invite. Over the years you had grown close with the inner circle, specifically Mor and Nesta. What had started out as small talk when they came to pick up a tonic had blossomed into a beautiful friendship.

But the last thing in the world you had wanted to happen was to form a bond with someone, especially someone as good and sweet and caring as Azriel. Sure, he is beautiful, you of all people can see that, but the physical attraction stops there, like it always does. Emotionally you two are very compatible, sharing similar interests in books, music, and dancing. After the bond had snapped you both decided to take things slowly, moreso for your sake than his. Every day you grow more and more in love with him; you’re just terrified to see the disappointment and confusion in his eyes after you tell him you’re ace.

“Almost ready to go, Love?” Azriel asks, his eyes following the skilled movements of your hands.

“Almost done,” you respond, screwing the cap and writing the label onto the bottle quickly. You buss your wok table, putting away ingredients and empty bottles. You look over everything twice more, checking for anything out of place, but also as a means to stall. You are dreading this conversation.

“Looks good, Love. Want me to grab your coat?” You turn to him, a small smile on your lips, and grab his hand, gently cradling it in yours.

“Actually… Can I talk to you for a minute before we leave? I need to tell you something.”

“Ya, of course,” he squeezes your hand gently, reassuringly. “What’s up?” You take a deep breath and guide him to sit in one of the chairs at your work table, then pull one towards yourself so you're sitting in front of him. You take both his hands in yours. You don’t make eye contact but instead stare at your hands intertwined.

“There’s something I need to tell you about myself and I need you to listen and let me explain before you say anything,” you look up to see him nodding, a look of concern and confusion on his face. The knot in your stomach is twisting. Your anxiety is through the roof, but you take a deep, albeit shaky, breath to steady yourself.

“Okay. I don’t really know how to go about saying this so I’m just gonna say it. I’m asexual, which means I form little to no sexual attraction, in my case none at all, to anyone. Which means the likelihood of me wanting to have sex with you is basically zero. I know it’s kind of a thing for mates to do it all the time, and so I thought since I am the way I am that I would never form a bond with anyone, but I guess I was wrong. And I know you're probably thinking, “well, didn’t the bond snapping make you feel anything like that?” and the answer would be no. Umm…I guess I just want to add and say that I’m not broken, and that life will be a little different with me, and that I know my boundaries, but I’m also willing to try things with you because I love you and trust you… And this doesn’t mean I don't find you attractive, because I do, I think you're really pretty, but it's more in a ‘I want to paint you’ sort of way instead of an ‘I want to fuck you’ sort of way. And I’m rambling so I’m going to stop now.”

Your leg is bouncing up and down, gaze still glued to your entwined hand. A beat of silence passes, and then he squeezes your hands, which in turn makes you look up at him. His eyes are full of understanding and love, emotions you were not expecting to see. You exhale the breath you didn’t realize you were holding, feeling some of your anxiety fade away.

“You think I’m pretty?” he asks, a cheeky grin plastered on his face. You roll your eyes at him, the last of your anxiety washing away. He stands and pulls you up to do the same. He releases one of your hands, using his to brush a rouge strand of hair behind your ear, then pulls you into a tight embrace. You’re taken off guard, but you melt into him, breathing in his crisp, piny scent.

“Thank you for telling me,” he squeezes you tighter. “And I know you said life will be different with you and I want to let you know I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you, and I know we can work through any problems we may face. You are perfect. Cauldron boil me if I ever so much as think to change a single thing about you.”

And with that, he releases you from his embrace, you wipe the few tears that had welled at his words, and you go home.

[platonically-loving-alastor]

Aroace Alastor

Hoo boy here we go- This one might make some people mad at me, so I'll preface by saying I do not want to start a fight and as long as you respect my business, I'll respect yours. But let's get this over with-

First off, I genuinely don't understand how some people can see the Ace-In-The-Hole quote and still believe that Alastor is only intended to be asexual and not also aromantic. Yes, the term Rosie used for purpose of the pun was 'ace', but can we look at the context of that moment before jumping to conclusions?

Rosie, motioning to Charlie: "Oh, who's this you brought with you? Come now, Alastor, she's much too young for you! Oh, I'm just kidding. I know you're an ace in the hole!"

Her original statement implies nothing sexual, only that he's involved in a relationship with Charlie, and she follows it up with why she knows that couldn't be because he's an 'ace in the hole'. I don't think you have to read too far between the lines to see that.

I would also like to say that when Vivienne has spoken about his orientation before, I recall her saying that she didn't want to confirm him being aromantic so that she wouldn't 'ruin anyone's fun', which I just feel like is an odd thing to say if she wasn't already explicitly picturing him as aroace. If she thought he had romantic attraction, why wouldn't she just say that? What fun would that ruin? I also feel like keeping things like this ambiguous just to appease the shippers is a little weird, but I digress-

And to those of you who I know are saying "But aromantic people can be in relationships too!!" *deep inhale* yeah I know. I'm not gonna pretend you're not right about that, but there are also aroace people who have exactly 0 interest in romance or sex at all. This is the part of the post that really is based on how I interpret certain moments, but to me he is absolutely one of those people. I don't really know where people get any vibes of him being interested in that stuff. I have never once looked at him and thought "Yeah I could see him in a romantic relationship with *insert character here*". Even aside from attraction in general, since that's what we'd be talking about at this point anyway, he just seems like the kind of guy who'd rather work and live independently instead of relying on anyone, whether practically or emotionally (which is also probably part of the reason he never joined the Vees, but that's another topic entirely). Hell, I'm pretty sure he's in heavy denial about even developing any kind of care or friendship with the people at the hotel (ie. the episode 8 scene with him and Niffty).

The only ships I see him involved in with people he doesn't hate (so ignoring RadioApple, RadioHusk, and StaticRadio. But to be real, maybe the fact all his main ships are enemies to lovers coded says something about the whole situation, but that's just me-) are Charlastor - which I will not even try to discuss here, people aren't gonna like this post as it is - and RadioRose. Rosie and him would at least be fair, if it weren't for one thing (which is also personal opinion on my end), and I don't know exactly how to word it. I'm tempted to say she has wingwoman vibes? But she knows he's aro, so that's not the right word, but there's vibes of like, she probably did act as a wingwoman before she realized that about him or something.. There's also something about her joking around like "Oh this is the girl? You have a girlfriend and I'm only now meeting her?" is almost giving motherly behavior. Idk man they're just besties to me, I could see them in a QPR though (not that they'd probably label it that way, considering the word queerplatonic is likely just complete gibberish to Alastor lmao).

So to summarize: It feels incredibly likely, if not practically canon, that Alastor was written with aromanticism in mind, even if Vivienne refuses to explicitly state it. Subtext and not-that-subtle implications can say just as much about a character as word of God, especially when that God has explicitly told us why she won't confirm or deny this information. Do I think any of this will stop people from shipping him romantically with literally any other character? No ofc it won't, and that's okay, that's just what fandoms do. I do think there's something to say for the fact the one aroace (or even at the very least asexual) character gets constantly shipped with everyone else in the cast, but this post is long enough I think. The only point of posting this is that I wanted to get information out there in one post to say "Hey, let's look a little bit past the surface for a second before saying there's no proof of him being aromantic"

Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you at least took something away from this

[aspecmemesdaily]

How do I know I'm asexual?

How does one know they feel sexual attraction?

I don't know if I should really label myself this because I want to because I also feel like I'm lying to myself when I do

Haha, that's funny, I think most acespec people aren't exactly the best people to ask what sexual attraction feels like. I mean, we have a vague idea, but that's about it...

I've heard that if an allosexual was given the opportunity to have sex with an attractive person, right then and there, on the spot, even if it's a stranger they've never met, they likely wouldn't be opposed?!

I think maybe it's like looking at delicious food and thinking 'Wow, I'd taste that', but it's someone's body? It's like finding a great book or seeing a stunning sunset and really wanting to read/enjoy that but instead of books or sunsets it's sex with a person?!

In my case, I also couldn't relate to the mainstream media and conversation topics, e.g. all the talk in school about who's hot and who you have a crush on and which celebrity you'd like to date, having the feeling that we're too young to want/have sex and then realising that people do want sex that much (some even crave it??) and didn't exaggerate, and pick up lines and all that whining about not having been laid in months was actually not a joke?!

I really don't know, allos and aces who have experienced sexual attraction before, please back me up here...

And most importantly: Choose the label based on whether you feel comfortable using it (the label should fit you, not you fitting the label). You might want to research about it, learn about other people's stories and find out whether you can relate to them, scroll through memes and find out whether you feel seen, etc. The ace spectrum is large and diverse, and it doesn't matter whether you enjoy sex on tv, in fiction, in theory, for others, for yourself, only for specific people (celebrities, fictional characters, people you know intimately, people you don't know at all, etc.) or not at all, and neither does it matter whether you're sex-repulsed, sex-indifferent, or sex-positive. If you like how the label feels for you and want to use it, go for it! Or just try it out for a while and change it if you're not happy with it; labels aren't permanent after all!

All the best with figuring out your label, dear @jackcorvos <2

[viviennevermillion]

With an asexual s/o

notes: just some self-indulgent headcanons. i don't think this is going to get a lot of notes but the ace community deserves more content.

contains: character x gn!reader, qpr in alhaithams part, the plot twist here is that the characters in question are also on the ace-spectrum

characters included: alhaitham, diluc, pantalone

warnings: mentions of sex in the context of being asexual, hints at harassment and a bit of violence in pantalone's part (not towards the reader)

aphobes, dc creators and consumers dni

Alhaitham

Let's be real here, Alhaitham as a kid took one look at romance and sexual relations and decided that he'd have a better time with a good book and a research trip to the desert. "You'll change your mind when you get older", they said to him. And then he didn't. And everytime someone brings that up he's kinda smug about it, in a told you so kinda way. Alhaitham always knew what he wanted and didn't want and people thinking they knew better was a hassle for him he'd rather not bother with.

Alhaitham is aware of the term asexual and that he falls under it by definition but he doesn't really care for putting labels on himself as he sees no necessity to find ways to explain and define himself to people. The only time he actively labels himself as asexual is when you come out to him to make things easier for you.

Alhaitham would be considered quoiromantic; he's not sure if what he feels is romantic attraction but the concept of romantic attraction also doesn't have much significance to him.

You don't get together with Alhaitham by asking him out and going on dates with him. Your bond just kinda happens. You spend a significant amount of time in each other's presence and Alhaitham finds that he quite enjoys your company. As you become closer, he notices he looks forward to talking to you everyday; to even engage in some playful banter with you. He can talk to you about all sorts of topics and your relationship just has this feel of mutual comfort to it. You can just idly sit next to each other and exchange a couple of words and somehow people can always tell you two are close. He's clearly looking out for you and you're very considerate of his habits and preferences. You're always each other's first choice for anything, whether it's spending your freetime together, seeking advice or working on something together. Alhaitham seems more at peace and happier when he's with you and so do you.

Several people had asked you whether you two were dating or just friends and feeling unsure of where you stood with him, you decided to talk to him about it. "And why would we need to put a label on it, hmm?", he asks and wraps an arm around you affectionately, "so people can put us into categories to ease their own confusion because they struggle to clearly define our bond?"

Alhaitham thought you might have romantic feelings for him and he was half-prepared for holding you a lecture on alterous attraction and how he doesn't experience attraction and relationships the same way most people do. When you come out to him as asexual he's like "god you're making this so much easier for me."

Alhaitham reassures you that he cares deeply about you and he'd like to keep you close to him as you already were. From that moment on, Alhaitham calls you his partner and you call him that too. What that entails? No one's business.

Alhaitham doesn't often initiate physical affection but he does a lot of idle motions like putting an arm around you when you sit down next to him or leaning his head against your shoulder when he's laying next to you and reading his book. He doesn't mind if you want to kiss or cuddle though.

It's clear as day to anyone who knows you that you two love each other even if they can't exactly define what you have as either friendship or romance.

Diluc

Lisa was the one person who started off teasing Diluc a little about having so many admirers and asking him "aren't you interested in any of them?" but she also was the first to notice Diluc was probably ace before Diluc himself even noticed he worked differently than most people around him.

But oh Diluc noticed, even if he didn't have a label to put on it before he met you. He always felt a little uneasy when the topic came up because he just knew it'd result in people asking questions and him not having an answer nor particularly wanting to answer them.

By the time he met you Diluc had become quite the expert in turning people down but the more time he spent with you, the more he noticed that he didn't want to turn you down. And that this time would probably result in you turning him down. Oh how wrong he was.

He could tell you liked him as time went on but he was hesitant about taking the next step because he feared you might, by convention, expect things from him he couldn't give you. And you felt the same way. So the two of you grew gradually closer, even flirting with each other on rare occasion, all while actively dancing around the confrontation because neither of you had an idea how to address the subject

You're the one who eventually tells him how you feel and comes out to him. Diluc asks a couple of questions and listens attentively as you explain asexuality to him. Then goes: "Oh, so there is a word for it.."

You felt really relieved to hear that Diluc felt the same as you did and that you helped him make sense of his experiences. He confessed to you that for a while he was worried that there might just be something wrong with him and that he's happy that's not the case and that he gets to be with you, someone who understands him and can relate.

He has a long conversation with you about your shared experiences because this is the first time he could talk with someone else about this without being at least partially dismissed. He also talks about your boundaries with you and his as well to make sure neither of you makes the other uncomfortable with something.

After the talk Diluc feels a little exhausted because even though it was relieving and enlightening, it was also stressful and made him feel a little anxious, given that you were talking about something he mostly kept to himself up to this point.

He asks if he can kiss you and if you say yes, he leans over and kisses you softly, letting you bury your fingers in his hair. His kiss is hesitant at first but he gets more passionate with time, smiling into the kiss when he notices this is actually happening. That you accept him the way he is and love him and are kissing him.

He lets you stay with him for the night, holding you protectively against his chest.

Pantalone

Painfully aware of the fact that he's on the ace-spectrum because the rich people he scams for his plans tend to get really good at oversharing about their sexual preferences after enough wine at the banquets. The alcohol is a double-edged sword because it sometimes works in his favor since he can find out people's weak points but it's also an easy spiral into "too much information, didn't need to know this"

Several of his business partners have tried to pressure him to join them in their endeavors because they "know a club in some fairly unknown alley" or have encouraged him to "hit someone up", which he always refused. Which is what bred the joke in those circles that the only thing that man is attracted to is cold hard cash.

He had many people who tried to make advances towards him, some because they were after his money and some because he was conventionally attractive. Quite a few entitled nobles had a tendency to mistake his mischievous and suave demeanor as him being flirty when really he was just scheming how to bleed them dry of all the money they have 💀

Some of them just wouldn't take "no thank you I'm not interested" as an answer, insisting they could change that. Most of them he just shooed away. Two or three ended up with some broken bones because they took it a step too far.

Pantalone has seen some shit and been through a lot and he hasn't been given physical affection in over a literal decade so he's actually fairly hesitant and receiving affection from you and he needs to warm up a bit to the idea of being kissed and held.

When you tell him you're asexual he's like "oh thank god, me too."

He always asks before he initiates any new physical contact or kisses you in a place he hasn't before to make sure to not overstep any of your boundaries. After all, he's receiving the patience from you he craved but most people wouldn't have given him.

He's pretty sex-repulsed because he spent too much time around the worst kind of people for the sake of harbinger business.

He's clingy and extremely gentle with you in private and will love you with all his heart but if anyone dares to give you shit over your asexuality or bothers you they'll receive the iciest death glare that banker is capable of. The one more step and you're a dead man kinda expression.

He'll smile and go "My, my, it sounds like you had quite the exciting day, my friend" at some rich, slightly intoxicated merchant making small talk with him at a gathering and telling Pantalone about all his pursuits of women and his affairs in detail but the second that person is out of sight, Pantalone's face falls and he looks at you with an "I'm done" expression. "I don't want to be here", he says dryly and you suggest to get another mousse au chocolat from the buffet and share it with him. "Yeah, let's", he takes your hand and glances at the guy who talked to him just now, "once I have his cash I'll buy you something nice from it." "Not this again, Pantalone." He gently kisses your lips. "See it as compensation for the emotional damage this conversation gave us."

Over the course of your relationship Pantalone finds out he's actually demisexual but that doesn't change anything between the two of you either. He adapts to you with ease, no matter what your boundaries are.

author's note: tagging @k-zu because he wanted to be tagged! ✨

[myfaceaches]

hi im an ask here to give you an excuse to talk about serirei sex headcanons. i wanna hear them

Helloo thank you so much for asking + giving me an excuse, because I have so many sitting around in my head. I’ll list them below in no particular order:

I say this in the most positive way ever— they have very vanilla, sappy sex. Here and there they’ll experiment because they’re very open and communicative with each other about that, but for the most part, very sappy and vanilla.

Reigen is aspec, and has a very complex relationship with sex. I don’t think he’d even know there was a term for it until he’s dating Serizawa and they’re on the topic of sex and Reigen brings up his relationship with it. Given Serizawa spent so many years as a shut-in and the internet was one of the only things he had, he’d be very well-versed in labels alongside many other things, and he’d probably be the one to tell Reigen, “Arataka, do you think you might be on the asexual spectrum?” On the topic of that, it would take a while in their relationship for them to have sex, and Reigen would be the one to initiate it (something Serizawa never even expects out of Reigen). Reigen having sex with Serizawa revolves more around the vulnerability and the intimacy rather than the actual attraction. He gets pleasure out of making Serizawa feel good, and that’s his priority in most of their sexual encounters. He feels comfortable and assured by Serizawa in ways he never thought were possible, and it allows him to view sex as something deeper when it comes to Serizawa. He can only imagine it being this way with Serizawa, no matter how much he tries to imagine how things would play out being close with other people.

They don’t have specific places in regards to topping, bottoming, dominating, being submissive, etc., it kind of comes naturally to them in the moment during foreplay. Though, if I were to place labels, Reigen would lean more towards being a power bottom and a service top, and Serizawa tends to place the deciding in Reigen’s hands, but also communicates about when he wants to be the one in control; nonetheless, Serizawa is very gentle and also tends to focus on Reigen’s pleasure. They’re both very motivated by making the other feel really good.

Reigen’s strap-on is the same color as his tie, and the first time Serizawa is about to get pegged he notices it and laughs. To this day he doesn’t know if Reigen chose that color subconsciously or purposefully, but either way it seems to be his signature color now.

Out of the two, Reigen is more squirmy and sensitive. Serizawa eats Reigen out one time and Reigen accidentally clamps his legs together and crushes his head. Where with, Serizawa he is mostly just touch starved and melts easily at any affectionate, tender gesture.

Serizawa is noisy and more often than not fails to suppress his moans. Reigen does a better job being able to silence himself, mostly out of fear of appearing too vulnerable (this is mostly something he worries about early on in their relationship), and also because he doesn’t want his neighbors hearing. That would be embarrassing for them.

They are HEAVY on foreplay, and often get each other so worked up that by the time they actually get into having sex, they don’t last long.

Serizawa has a praise kink. He melts at Reigen’s words of encouragement and affirmation. Even before they were dating, Serizawa always found himself oddly affected by Reigen’s praises (ex: “You did really good today, Serizawa! How about some ramen?”, “You’re quite the powerful psychic.”, et cetera).

On the contrast, Reigen leans more towards having a degradation kink. He can’t accept much praise without trying to deflect or pull a one-up or a “No, you” type thing, but it still makes him melt, because Serizawa knows what to say and when Reigen gets overwhelmed by it.

To add on, Serizawa has a hard time accommodating Reigen’s degradation kink at first, given he’d never refer to him like that in any other setting. Throughout time he gets more comfortable trying, though. While they’re having sex one time, Serizawa, albeit very bashfully, calls him a slut, and it makes Reigen cum prematurely (my friend Brandy actually brought this headcanon to life and made a comic about it. Godbless you bro).

Serizawa is very, very clingy during and after sex.

Before dating, Reigen moans Serizawa’s first name while masturbating and he calls off the next day because he wouldn’t have been able to look him in the eye.

OKAY THANKS BYE

[lorynna]

Please understand I am writing this from a position of genuine curiosity and not one of malice.

I saw your response to the anon talking about their aroace friend and you both agreed that asexuality is being “muddied” by people who identify as asexual since there’s so much variation between them.

I am honestly quite confused as to why you are dictating the definitions of lived experiences you don’t share. Why do you have to decide how people feel and perceive their feelings if those are completely separate people than you?

Is it truly your business to decide how labels should be applied if you aren’t the one using them? As an asexual, the way you discuss my identity dismisses me and other asexuals as people, because you make assumptions about what and how we should be feeling. It feels dehumanizing.

Again…I write this with no malice, I just don’t understand your position on this matter.

Hello anon.

My response to the other anonymous person submitting an ask involved both of us agreeing about the fact that those labels are hard to get taken seriously due to a lot of people either trying to weaken the definition of asexuality/aromanticism by widening it until cinderella's unique custom-designed shoe is a one-size-fits-all, (in other words:) it completely looses it's meaning and can be applied to the average person or a person who simply has a low sex drive and/or are following a trend, where it "seems cool and quirky" to pick out a label and make it your entire personality until you get tired of it and need to get something new.

Touching on your comment implying that I am calling this term (who in my opinion has become useless due to the above mentioned reasons) as me not rejecting the label therefore but because "there is so much variation between asexual/aromantic people". Which is just...sigh.

I don't think I have to point out that the reasons (again, listed above), that I have also stated in multiple of my takes about this subject, don't indicate any sort of valid variation but the broadening of a simple term until it is applicable to the average person who "sometimes does not feel like having sex" or "feels like not having a relationship for some time in their lives".

Now a counter question. Am I really dictating the definitions of lived experiences I don't share (like you claim) or am I simply talking about my opinion? What power do I have to truly dictate how someone can/has to label themselves? Suprise: I don't! People can continue to pick labels how they please and I can give my opinion accordingly, how I please.

I am challenging you to try and analyze if I am truly trying to be malicious towards actual asexuals/aromantics or if I am just fed up by everything getting used as a trendy label or people pretending to "be cool". I am challenging you to form an opinion on wether or not I am truly coming from a place of hate or rather constructive criticism. And I am challenging you to not see everything that defies your worldview as hate. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has them and sometimes they stink!

My favorite saying : You cannot define something, without actually excluding anyone from said definition. To defines means to limit and that's okay, that is essential. Otherwise words, labels, definitions, it all means nothing. To open the doors to everyone means to protect no one.

I would encourage you (if you are really interested in my take on the topic) to take a look into my pinned post, where I am talking about this more intrinsically. I'll link it here down below.

Also linking here now below the question of another anon that THIS anon is referring to.

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

Hi there! How are you doing? I have some questions, well, a rant *plus* some questions.

I feel... safer with allo allies than I do with aro/ace communities (online). Does that make me aphobic/bad? I don't go by labels because for me, they're not necessary. If I *were* to label myself based purely on definitions, I would be aroace, specifically, demiromantic asexual. I used to go by this a while back.

I don't fit the stereotype of being aroace at all. I'll talk about the aromantic side. Unlike most arospecs i've seen online, I LOVE Valentine's day! I LOVE shipping! I LOVE consuming romance fiction. I LOVE romance et cetera et cetera and yet I don't experience it like allos do. I need a strong bond with someone in order to fall in love and it takes me really, really, long to do so. But once it happens, my love is not 'weak'. It makes me pass really well as allo because of this, but it makes a lot of people in the aro community mad because I'm 'stealing' a label to 'feel special'. I was always told I was not aroace, that I couldn't be aroace by definition. That I was alloromantic asexual pretending to be on the arospec. That I was too scared to be 'basic'.

On that topic, and I think this is unintentional, but... why is nobody batting an eye when an aro or an ace person shames an allo or calls them weird or basic? Because they're doing exactly what allo aphobes are doing to them. I had this conversation with a friend and he said, 'that doesn't happen, allo people don't get shamed especially by aspec people', yet, I keep seeing things like 'I fucking hate allos so much' and 'To all my aces, we're not like allos, we're better' or something along those lines.

Whenever I enter an aspec online space, I'm made to feel like an intruder because, as I said, my experiences are very similar to the allo experience EXCEPT for the fact that I don't feel romantic attraction unless a strong bond has been formed. I'm not saying the aroace community is bad in any way, don't get my wrong, I'm saying that there is a massive gatekeeping problem going around and so much bubbling hatred and separation, and I don't understand any of it. In a prefect world, I'd happily identify as aroace, but I feel ashamed to do so now.

The gatekeeping... the infighting, I don't want to hate the online community of which I'm supposed to belong but this... this isn't right. The allo allies don't do things like this. They don't make me feel insecure about myself. And yes, while I don't experience romance like an allo would, I feel safe around them. I need to ask, have you seen this too? Have you experienced this? Is this truly all in my head? What do you think?

I apologize for the vent or if I seem aphobic, I just really need answers and I'm tired of the constant hatred... How are you? Did you drink enough water? Did you sleep well today? Did you eat? Again, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable with this!

Vents are totally welcome, Anon. Don't worry.

I'm really sorry you ran into gatekeeping, Anon. I feel like that's something that's really been on the rise especially over the last couple of years. It's a real issue and it causes a lot of harm. This should go without saying, but demiromantic people are aro, and have just as much right to be here as anyone else on the aro spectrum.

I do think at least part of the problem is social media in general and how things are set up these days. We don't have community spaces as much anymore, in particular we've lost moderated spaces where gatekeepers can be properly dealt with. And there's very little curation or organization. Things are chaotic and fragmented, and one person's experience and what kind of posts they say see may vary wildly from someone else's. There's also a competing needs issue, where one aro may need to vent about romance, another may need their romantic side validated and there's no way to organize so each can find the space they each need.

If finding aro spaces/blogs that are more accepting is important to you, Anon (and it's OK both if it is or isn't), my big advice would be seek out demiromantic blogs and posters specifically. There's some very good ones around and they'll be posting about aro things that are relevant to you, and even more importantly won't be gatekeeping demi identities.

For more aro-general blogs, there are ones out there that are also inclusive and anti-gatekeeping, but it may take a bit of work to find them. Be very liberal with your unfollow and block buttons. If someone is gatekeeping block on sight, but also if they're not posting the type of aro content that you need or want to see, you're allowed to organize things so you don't see their posts. Sometimes unfollowing is enough, but blocking also doesn't necessarily mean the other person has done anything wrong, it's just a tool to make sure you're not seeing a blog you don't want to see.

For the shaming allos question, I do think it's a complex topic. For me it depends on context. I definitely do not believe in any kind of ace/aro superiority, being ace and/or aro, or being allo are both neutral. Nobody's smarter or more moral or more pure or anything like that. But sometimes people say things as a vent in the moment and are reacting to a difficult situation they've been in. So for example someone may say 'allos suck' but it comes from a place where they've been very badly treated by allos for being ace or aro but they're referring more to the societal systems that are in place that privilege allo people and make life more difficult for ace/aro people, they don't actually believe being allo makes someone a bad person. (It can be hard to tell what's going on just from a post, again it's OK to unfollow and block, especially if it's just not what you personally need to see in the moment).

Personally I don't come across a lot of this type of stuff, but this is what I mean about things being fragmented, the blogs I follow just aren't posting about the infighting or gatekeeping and I don't happen to see it in the tags when I go in there. But I do hear about it second hand, and it seems like it's a problem on other social media sites I'm not on as well.

I'm sorry you've had a hard time, Anon. But I am glad you've found people you can be comfortable with and be yourself around. That's really important too. And thanks for the reminder that I really should drink more water today.

Hopefully at least some of this is helpful, but if you have more questions or want to discuss anything in more detail, feel free to send in another ask.

All the best!

[an-obsessed-cactus]

I think i may be asexual?!

(okay this got longer than expected and i wanted to stop talking cuz ppl won't read it if it's so long and then i realized I'm not here to please anybody and i just wanna process some stuff so. yeah. also i come to realizations farther down that contradict some stuff from the beginning but I'll just leave my whole thought process here)

fun. um. I've realized I'm not straight two years ago and then started learning more about all things LGBT related and think myself educated enough on this topic but.

I've been pondering my sexuality and gender identity again more in recent days and. today i randomly stumbled across a yt video where the author (are you an author on yt? my brain is glitching rn)(also the 'author' in question is @jaidenanimationsofficial wonderful videos love the animation and the humor) talks about being aroace. few hours pass, my stomach hurts like hell so i go to lay down and sleep a bit, wake up and have a realization.

i googled again what asexuality is and read some more on this. i did this before and i guess i didn't see myself in it? so i kinda crossed it off the list of possible identities. i guess because i do want to have sex. i think. I'm not opposed to it and i get horny lmao. but that's only with fictional characters and works? like i just think: that was very sexy of you. but in a platonic way?! sex doesn't cross my mind. (also can you get aroused by music? or a good written work? or movie? like not even the characters but the work itself?) sorry i dunno I'm confused.

anyway i got a bit off track. what i wanted to say was that i suddenly remembered a convo i had with my sister a while ago where we talked about what is the difference between friendship and a romantic relationship. and she said it's that u wanna have sex with them and i was like ... i don't really think that's it...

and like. i get crushes i think. but I've never experienced this want to have sex with a particular person at least that i could remember. like a want to have sex? i guess yeah i mean not rlly sth i think about much but it's not unprecedented(see: i get horny)

honestly I'm not even sure anymore if im not aromantic as well. cuz queerplatonic sounds more like my jam?

like i felt(feel?) like omnisexual described me well because i think I'd be attracted to who the person is at their core. what if ur straight as a girl, date a boy, and then it turns out he's trans? i dunno i feel like gender isn't this fixed thing which then kinda creates problems when labeling urself with a certain sexuality. aaaa people came irl and i lost my train of thought. um. i feel like labeling myself anything other than omnisexual would feel limiting. even if i never developed a crush on a girl for example (i did), i still feel like i could potentially. like there's nothing stopping me. why shouldn't I?

OKAY SO

that was written yesterday. it is now today and i have a whole lot of new thoughts and realizations.

I had a bit of a marathon with @jaidenanimationsofficial videos and i came across an older one she mentioned in the previous one i watched about being aroace(ik it's a mess) about how she couldn't understand why when romantic feelings are not mutual people don't just continue being friends. and i was like EXACTLY WHAT IS UP WITH THAT?! and um. ahem. do u really see it as a problem? I guess if everyone does. but I'm starting to seriously consider if I'm aroace as well which woah there. this happened in a span of a day and I'm not sure it's real and it doesn't feel real? some time will have to pass for me to check out this theory cuz. ppl often say they felt like there was sth wrong with them and then they discovered these terms and were like aHA that's it! that explains everything! and I didn't... have that? and I'm not sure to what extent i identify with aroace because reasons(ill talk about some of it below). and I'm not saying that not having this realization moment or not feeling like sth is wrong with me through my life devalidates my orientation and stuff but it makes me doubt i guess?

i also came to an important discovery that aroused and horny are not the same. who would have thought?! I said above i get horny but apparently being horny means to want to have sex. and i just get the physical part aka arousal. fun. someone help pls im so confused.

okay for the last part(which prolly won't be the last part but one can hope right?)

i said i realized i wasn't straight two years ago. that was when i realized i like my best friend as more than i friend. well it wasn't exactly that simple. tbh i think Lucifer(the series i am NOT a satanist) helped a lot with that? like i knew about some lgbt stuff before because I'm alive on this planet but it kinda made me think about a lot of stuff, and between that stuff was my sexuality as well. idk. it's not like i had a crush on any of the female characters. just got me thinking for some reason. like why is having sex with people you're not romantically involved with wrong? why is prostitution wrong if u enjoy it and get money for it and it's well managed and secure? but that's beside the point.

well anyway I didn't know what i felt towards my bff(I'll say bff cuz bf also stands for boyfriend so it feels weird) but it felt like more than friendship. didn't feel like sth romantic tho. then i discovered queerplatonic relationships exist and i was like i think that's it! and then new school year came i saw her again and doubts flared up. again there was never i wanna have sex with her, but there was an occasional i wanna kiss her. and she was so important to me so it has to be romantic love right?! romance is the highest form of love one can experience afterall! nothing whatsoever can compare to it!! it feels ✨magical✨ when you find you will finally be completed!!! anyways.

it felt like romantic love was the only thing that could justify me feeling this way. i won't go deeper into this because i already have a draft where i do(i have like 16 drafts with uncompleted rambles so...) I'll try to post it but. i told her and we're still good friends! it actually made me closer to the rest of my friend group(which i was only a part of on the paper before)(i was so focused on my bff before I didn't really do group) because i felt a bit distanced from her for a while(she's a people pleaser like me and even tho i think i can read her well im paranoid and i thought she may feel weird?). anyways i got close with 3 other amazing ppl in the meantime and my friendship with my bff hasn't suffered!

but between my feelings being kinda realized and me telling her a whole year has passed and in the end i wasn't even sure what i was feeling anymore just that i didn't want her not to know. idk.

now im wondering what it was. even back then half year pre confession i was thinking if it was just because someone was finally paying attention to me. i didn't really do friends before (i kinda had them but there were no deep convos or shared secrets) and then there was suddenly this person who genuinely enjoys spending time with me! and listens to my problems! and weird obsessions! this sounds kinda sad put like this ngl lmao. but this was the first time I had that deep connection with someone. two years in my confused feelings came. geez i got off track again. point is i thought i was straight up until then and then had a crisis cuz i thought i only liked her cuz she was giving me attention cuz i was straight goddamit! ANYWAYS.

this post has lost all direction. it is a frustrated ramble of a very confused person. let us continue

i will just sum up how i feel about genders and people because I'm a chronic oversharer. oops doops.

men: find them aesthetically pleasing, all celebrity crushes are in this category (there's only one really but if i found a celebrity attractive like not objectively but to me it was a man), i would also get kinda crushes on boys my age when i spent 5 minutes with them. don't ask. i think it's dopamine mining(i suspect i have adhd). im not used to male company and i kinda don't like it that much but the the ?butterflies? are still there. tbh i don't really know what to do with men. doesn't stop me from having crushes tho. i don't have any real desire to be in a romantic relationship with men. i don't exclude the possibility but i haven't found one i would want it with. i also don't know now to interact with them. let alone flirt. actually flirt in general. it feels like it would be cringe and belongs in bad movies.

women: freaking amazing!! love them! no celebrity crushes, one irl crush which might have moved beyond crush(i suspected the L word for a while) to friends or it might have never been a crush in the first place! help! now there's another friend outside of my friend group who i may like. or i just enjoy her company? im not used to this yet. i forgot i think im aroace. this is killing me.

nonbinary/other genders: I haven't met any yet. there are some on discord servers im a part of but I don't really interact much just lurk there. i think irl experience would be different anyway.

someone please explain sth to me. you have sexual attraction okay get that(not really but that's not the point). but then there's romantic attraction. how do you separate that from friendship? just this intense feelings of wanting to be with them at all times? okay myb myb let's say u can separate them from friendship. what about queerplatonic? guys??

i am starting to dislike labels. this is confusing.

also i gotta figure this romantic thing out cuz im writing a fantasy series and there's romance involved lol.

okay so i guess i am at least asexual cuz i don't see ppl and go 'i wanna have sex with them'. i am not yet thoroughly convinced im aromantic as well but we'll see about that ig. because i still don't understand what the difference between romance and deep friendship is. aghhh

although if i can't tell the difference myb that answers the question.

also how does someone who is asexual but romantically attracted to all genders label themselves? like omnisexual ig doesn't work cuz it omnisexual.

i went to google aromantic and.

"demiromantic people have romantic attraction only after forming an emotional bond with another person."

HOW ELSE DO YOU HAVE ROMANTIC ATTRACTION??? Isn't this about who the person is?! Do you just see them and go: oh this must be such a good person. what?

like i understand sexual attraction when you see someone ig. but romantic? i really need someone to explain this to me in depth. i haven't even been asking the right questions.

"Quoiromantic people can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic attractions." Welp i guess i have a new label i can stick on myself. also the name is killing me. (quoi=what in french💀)

(edit: well this thing just posted itself. I DIDN'T HIT POST WTF. but it's out there now. ig it had enough of me adding new and new thoughts. im inclined to agree)

[velvetvexations]

not sure where else to vent about this but as always Velvet your blog welcomes people on the fringe with open arms and for that I'm very grateful <3 it is a nsfw topic, jsyk

so i'm aspec, to use the broadest categorizations of my sexuality label. kink to me is not really appealing in sexual contexts outside of like, a very specific set of dynamics and tools but that's about where it ends. i'm not really entirely comfortable posting about/sharing/talking about this inclination of mine with anyone in any space, digital or irl, because everyone jumps the gun to "freak sex" when that's just not what i want out of kink in the slightest. recently on here there was that poll that was, like, "is all kink sexual?" and the notes on it were pretty abhorrent-- there were people proclaiming incredibly reactionary things as if it were progressive sex-positive comments, like "so you would do kink with a kid" i.e. equating nonsexual kink with grooming.

and the thing is, from what i've read of kink/sex literature and seen of online asexual communities, kink has a history of being used in nonsexual ways. kink is something that develops from a very young age and in my case i can recall signs from all the way back when i was in preschool. it's extremely isolating and, idk. i think in the light of the recent resurgence of exclusionary politics on here it's just another link in our sticky web of intracommunity aggression that deserves to be talked about. sexualization is not an effect disparate of moralization and none of us are free until we're all free, and all that

This is an interesting perspective. Something I really believe in and want to bring to the world is non-sexual BDSM relationships, wherein one could casually talk about a master or...we really need a word other than "slave", I think, because that's so politically charged, but I also feel like "pet" is not quite the right vibe for me outside of describing the lens through which I see romance as a result of my NPD, and "sub" seems too meager...but anyway, where you could talk about that just eas easily as you would say "boyfriend" or "girlfriend". I'm happy to stand with you on that.

[aromantic-diaries]

so, im both aro and ace (despite the amount of sex jokes and calling people hot, still asexual)

well, this is a long story, sorry in advance

so, im talking to this friend (A) here, he says something that is sooo aro-coded, and im like "this guy is probably aro-spec too and maybe he doesnt know so lets help a little" and i tell him to read loveles because 'the main character is very relatable', he ends up with him knowing about aro identities, he questioned his own sexuality before and he isnt aro, but with the 'very relatable' part i sold myself out as aro, and he wasnt arophobic (he literally said he almost used the label so) so it was okay

fast forward a year , we are talking, sexuality ends up as a topic, and i confess i didnt come up to anyone, the only people who knew were him and another friend who found out by accident (really supportive, even though im not sure that i was ready), he ask about this other friend of ours (B) and why i didnt come out to her, considering she is queer herself. i think im not ready to do that, both times i came out were not intentional and though it didnt end up badly still, not ready, also, my relationship with this friend is, well we mostly talk about gossip and all of her crushes, boyfriends, etc., basically it was purely sexual acts and romance, not my favourite topic of conversation but i we dont have anything in common outside shared memories (childhood besties) and school and we are both pretty unpopular so no more people) plus we never talk deep shit so i felt weird bring it up

few days later, the three of us were in class and talking about our teachers (and shipping them cause we are nosy), we get to his teacher and i say that i couldnt picture her with an special other and A says "like asexual, you mean", (it was more like aro but i didnt feel like explaining the difference plus i was panicking a little because i knew where this was going) and A countinues "B, what do you think of asexual people?", B says something in support, and then he asks me "[my name] do you know any asexual people in real life?" with a look on his face saying 'come out', i kinda evade the question so he asks B if she knew any, and B answers she had the theory that i was ace (i mean, she was right). i didnt know what to do so i made a joke "was it so obvious?"

i dont think i was ready to come out to her and i didnt want it to happen, but the conversation didnt end up bad, she was supportive but still i wasnt ready. i dont think it counts as getting outed because he just forced the conversation that way but didnt really say "[my name] is aroace", but i dont know of B hadnt mentioned her theory, would he had outed me?

i dont know how to feel, im basically venting, maybe do you have any advice for this situation?

I really don't think anyone should make you come out if you don't want to do it and it's supposed to be your choice so this sounds like something you should really talk about with friend A and explain to him that you didn't want to come out yet and that this wasn't okay. It is lucky that friend B was supportive though because this type of situation is even messier when the other person is not supportive. But even so it's still a gamble because most of the time you can't predict how someone will react and it's better to not take the risk of coming out to someone, let alone put someone else at risk. I hope you can talk this through with friend A

[mono-blogs-art]

Tsukutabe Vol 3 English Release, A Review!

A few days ago I was finally able to get my hands on the long awaited third volume of the Tsukuritai Onna to Tabetai Onna (She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat) manga! Here are some of my thoughts - first, no spoilers, and then under a readmore I'll discuss some specific scenes I really liked.

I was very excited to finally read ahead - since the TV live action adaptation covers the same plot points as the first two volumes of the manga, and since there are basically 0 spoilers floating over from the jp fandom into my periphery, I truly had no idea where it was going. And what can I say but it was an absolute delight.

Like in volume 2, we are keeping a balance of the silly, everyday life of Nomoto & Kasuga and their cooking adventures, interspersed with quite serious, even dark moments in their personal lives. In fact, this volume features probably the darkest scenes in the series yet, more on that in the spoiler section later, but I truly had tears in my eyes for a bit. However I love how the focus when discussing these serious topics is always on the character and their feelings in the moment - how they can recognize what's been in their past, and how they've been able to move on and find happiness again, expressing a desire to do so. They've been hurt in their lives - mostly by their families that they've left behind, or by coworkers and strangers - but they are allowed to work through those feelings, take no shit, and say "No, I deserve better than this." There's also more focus again on LGBT advocacy now, with Nomoto coming out (to herself) at the end of volume 2, we now see her try to get comfortable with the lesbian label and how it affects her. There's also discussion on asexuality and its many shades, which I really appreciated!

The biggest change in volume 3 is the addition of two new characters - Yako-san, one of Nomoto's online friends who starts to become a bigger part of her life when Nomoto starts opening up about her sexuality; and Nagumo Sena, who is their "middle neighbor", the person who moved into the apartment between Nomoto & Kasuga that's been empty for the previous two volumes. Nagumo starts to befriend Kasuga when the two have a run-in. So a lot of the volume we actually see the two new pairs interact, and the focus is away from our main couple for a bit (but not really). Rather than new side characters, Yako and Sena feel more like an extension of the main cast, an extension of their little family, and they are immediately likeable and mash well with the rest. Speaking of family, although it's been a theme before, volume 3 really makes the central theme of "found family" very explicit. And it really warms the heart.

And my favourite part, without giving too much away, Kasuga also again receives chapters with her as the protagonist, rather than having Nomoto be the narrator all the time. This is actually the only thing I really miss in the TV live action, there are only a couple of scenes in there where you can see Kasuga's train of thoughts. The manga gives you much more insight into her inner workings. I'm hoping this will change for season 2 of the show, especially knowing what's in store.

Overall, the third volume brings a lot of fresh turns but stays true to its vibe and feel at heart. And of course it doesn't forget that there's also a love story, with Nomoto & Kasuga inching ever closer to each other. But I think this volume is where the story makes a point to say, Hey, This Isn't A Romance Series - it's a series about healing from past trauma, family, and especially found family, tackling everyday misogyny and homophobia, and all that through the very mundane task of cooking. I can't wait for volume 4 to come out, and season 2 of the live action series of course!!

The biggest thing I wanted to talk about was the conversation Kasuga has with her father on the phone. It's just so fucked up. We've only seen her family in flashbacks up until now, and reading the conversation between the two of them shows how far Kasuga has come in the 10 years since she's left home. Unlike Nomoto, who has a rocky relationship with her family but still keeps in contact, Kasuga has cut herself completely off since she left, and her views on family are central to her storyline. She wants to eat whatever she likes and not be shamed for it, own the things she wants, live in her own space, work a job that she choses. She wants to be herself.

At the same time, Kasuga is also the most family-oriented character. She loves to take care of others, make them feel at home and feel included, and she wants others to care for her too, unconditionally. When she thinks about what she values about "family", and the things she desires, there's only one logical conclusion to come to.

Kasuga's ties to her family also make her the perfect person to bring in Sena to the group. Sena is the total opposite of Kasuga, yet they're able to connect because of their shared traumas connected to food and family. When Kasuga bluntly accepts Sena without a second thought, the two really start to connect and it was just so sweet. Sena's whole backstory really touched me a lot and I definitely cried xD

These are the main two things I really couldn't wait to talk about!!! I really love Sena a lot and I'm excited to see more of her in the next volume. It's also very funny that it takes her, what, a single evening to immediately get that Nomoto and Kasuga have mutual crushes on each other, lmao.

The other new character, Yako-san, is also really fun. She's the confident, take-no-bullshit counterpart to Nomoto, and she proudly identifies as both a lesbian and asexual. Apart from that, we haven't seen much of her and her backstory yet - I'm hoping there'll be more in the future, especially with her in parallel to the main romance (idk if she's also aromantic, but it might be hinted at already?). I can't wait to see!

Those are some assorted thoughts... I really love this series and I appreciate it for the simple yet concise storytelling, and the love Yuzaki-san puts into her characters. They feel like real people, reflecting real insecurities and problems you'd run into in real life, even when it's exaggerated in a comedic manner. Can't wait to see where it goes next!!

[holdoncallfailed]

hey, ace person here! I've messaged you before about feeling similarly "left out" of a lot of cultural milestones including dating+sex and I totally sympathize with there not being more discussion about how to live your life as a young adult in the absence of those things. and I agree that sometimes the identity labels definitely get in the way of that discussion.

the asexuality label has felt less and less helpful as I've gotten older, and lately it just makes more sense to say that I'm straight or straight ace, because there is a very small demographic of the opposite gender who I am interested in, and when I do pursue a partner that's the kind of person I want to be with, so it seems like a helpful shorthand. however it still feels useful for me to say that I'm on the asexuality spectrum, because it's very clear to me that my experience of the cultural norms of sexual attraction/dating just do not conform to the ways that other people experience them.

as someone who is also decidedly not aro I also tend to stay out of ace spaces because it annoys me how the two get conflated and how everyone has the idea that asexuality = not having sex/not wanting to have sex/not dating. the sex negativity in those spaces can be super annoying and immature. like for me at least my asexuality is literally just an absence of sexual attraction which is all that asexuality is supposed to mean but it gets wrapped up in all these other cultural meanings about partners and romance and whether or not you want to have sex which is really not what it's about and not the point at all.

also personally the "queerplatonic" label has always bothered me because it seems to be implying that relationships without sex/romance are so wildly different that we need to invent a different term for them. like, you can just have a relationship without those things or a friendship that includes them, the terminology doesn't really matter, all that a relationship is is an agreement between two people.

I think identity in most cases is going to have more nuance and complexity than any single identity label will convey, and I also get exhausted of the microidentities bc like, at the end of the day, my relationship with sexuality (or lack thereof) will not be easy to explain no matter the shorthand. and maybe your lack of dating/sex experience has something to do with being on the asexuality spectrum, and maybe it doesn't, and there still needs to be room for those people in discussions, too. because it's totally normal for sex not to be a part of your life, whether you want it to be or not.

and like yeah, my biggest problems that arise from ny asexuality are not whether or not I'm included in the LBGT+ club, they're more about how the perception of being outside of cultural norms affects me and how people treat me because of it.

idk exactly what my point is but these are complicated ideas and it's hard to talk about. also I get the sense, though I may be wrong, that you personally do actually want to be someone who dates but doesn't know how to go about it, and I greatly empathize with the bitterness that comes with feeling left out from something you desperately want. it might not be something that I ever understand in the way that other people do, but there is still room in the world for people like me and you to have relationships. and I hope that if that is something you want that you find it someday; and if it isn't, I hope you can find the acceptance in yourself that this doesn't mean you're broken or wrong and that there is just as much value in being a single person in the world.

I hope that none of this comes across as rude or snarky, I'm just interested in the discussion and it really is a complicated topic. enjoy the rest of your day~

not rude or snarky at all, thank you for such a thoughtful message especially the last bit, i appreciate it a lot. 🥲

i agree with a lot of what you said and i think you've phrased it all much more reasonably than i would (could?) have lol so i also appreciate that.

i guess my leeriness of the term 'asexual'/its definition as a 'lack of sexual attraction' is that for me PERSONALLY it's not so much a lack of attraction as it is an attraction + lack of follow through. like, i feel attraction toward women and i have a libido but neither have intersected to the extent that i felt compelled to act on it. like why would i try to get another person involved when i could just not go through the trouble of all that. but also i'm aware that that has to do with the deplorably low image i have of myself which i'm allegedly working on with my therapist lmfao...

so in that vein i think i would actually say i would prefer 'asexual' to be understood as a lack of sex because in my mind my issue with having a relationship is that i'm there too, rather than the other person. and it disturbs me to consider that as an immutable identity as opposed to an objective state of being because i know how much it's intertwined FOR ME with my own self-esteem issues but i realize that doesn't apply to everyone. but all of that is very difficult to convey succinctly in a way that doesn't seem pathological. but i guess it is kind of pathological for me personally so.

and anyway there ARE people like yourself who genuinely just don't experience sexual attraction and that's it! so it isn't your or anyone else's fault that that language does fit your experiences (or theoretically could/should). i guess i am resentful of not having the language in the first place and then having the conversation obscured even further by all this gooooooofy microidentity discourse.

i would like to be able to just live as a solitary woman and have that be a neutral 'lifestyle choice' like idk having a pet or not having one. but that is not possible. and i would argue that the 'ace pride' stuff contributes to its impossibility just from the other direction. idk lol

it's just frustrating that evidently there was some move toward trying to address this stuff on a wider level but it doesn't appear that it was a particularly productive dialogue except on a very granular personal level. but tbh maybe that's OK and also just the nature of these sort of conversations about the human experience...regardless of what Society says people can understand each other one-on-one if they both want to understand each other.

it's very clear to me that my experience of the cultural norms of sexual attraction/dating just do not conform to the ways that other people experience them.

i think even just describing it very simply like that without any labels or identities attached is much more meaningful and easy to understand. and i guess it doesn't have to be so hard to just say it. even if it's just to myself

[olderthannetfic]

yeah, re: microlabels just leading to confusion.... every time i've asked what exactly "bi lesbian" means i've gotten about as many answers as there were people in the discussion, and that's one of the more common microlabels. (for some it seems to be synonymous with bisexual, for some it seems to mean "technically bi but only dates women," for some it meant you dated multiple genders but "men" wasn't one of them, etc. to just name a few i've heard.) i personally couldn't care less about what people call themselves, i'm not one of those people who is really gatekeepy about the definition of "lesbian" (especially since the restricting of it to women who are ONLY into women and NOT into men is way more historically recent than the term's "guardians" want to acknowledge) but it does seem like if you're on the bubble between the two terms - as i am, i consider myself to be a 5.5 on the kinsey scale - it makes more sense if you want to avoid explaining the nuances of your sexual identity to everyone to pick one or the other, and save the more detailed explanation of it for when it comes up and you're comfortable with giving it. i call myself a lesbian because i really don't have any interest in actually having sex with or dating men, despite (very) occasionally being attracted to them - i think if i did actually have that interest, i'd call myself bi. because for me, sexuality labels are primarily about answering the question "who are you interested in? am i/is this person potentially part of that group?" everyone else can draw the line where they want, but despite the way that some lesbians online will act (i saw a lesbian recently get anonymous hate mail on here about how they were responsible for "men feeling entitled to lesbians" and "need to go suck a dick" because they joked about being attracted to a male ANIME character!!!), in the real world, and anyone worth talking to really, will not care one way or another. you are not dishonest for calling yourself a "lesbian" without being some hard 6 on the kinsey scale. and more of us self-identified lesbians are like you than you'd think.

and i think this applies to basically any kind of microlabel. the concept of the asexual spectrum means you don't have to NEVER experience sexual attraction to call yourself "asexual" if it makes more sense for you than identifying as allosexual. you can have a strong preference for one gender and still call yourself bi. it's really up to you. the vast majority of people you meet will not care, will just accept the label you give at face value unless you act REALLY contrary to it (e.g. having a ton of same-sex relationships while calling yourself straight) but even then they'll likely still mind their business. the people who try to make you feel bad to your face about the label you chose are people who need to get a life, people who will likely be pushy busybodies about a whole range of other topics to you later, and therefore are just not at all worth your time.

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