#not sure what user to tag You under LMAO

[bastardcherub]

Mutual colour black (dunno if you follow my main though, but I’m guilty-pleasure- writings)

!!!! BITES YOU!!!! (I don’t follow Your main bc this is like. my nsfw blog shbdbdhfhd but it’s still ur blog so like. You’re still my mutual hehehhee)

[wraithdance]

The TF 141 Compatibility Love Report

For: @mikichko

Disclaimer:

This is based on my personal opinion and interpretation of you and the character.  the user makes no claims to be a real doctor or any medical professional. I will knock all this shit over and plead insanity in a court of law, so please don’t sue, jump me or take my kidneys, fingers or toes. 

The Doc says your TF 141 Perfect Match is…

John 'Soap' MacTavish!

Romance: Structure! Responsibility! Hard work! You're the constant that keeps all the plates spinning in your universe. That's why Soap as a partner would be a match made in heaven. He'll meet you passion for passion and help you realize things about yourself you may not even recognize (doesn't matter how self aware you are babes, he'll teach you a trick or two!) If you play things close to the chest and prefer to keep emotions at a safe distance, he's the partner who will take the time to chip at your walls brick by brick. (that's a promise and a threat)

This lover boy is actually super emotionally attuned to those he loves. He will ease your mind with the obvious devotion he has for you and maybe you'll only be a little bit embarrassed if he insists on painting a few boudoir portraits... or five. Soap would encourage you to stop and smell the roses sometimes and not get so stuck on the fine details. Not to say he wouldn't absolutely live to challenge you when he sees fit! It would be worth it to be in the dog house as long as he knows he did what he could to make you see that he's there and he's not leaving (even if you want him to). Whether it's as the man at your back supporting you or the bruiser at your side ready for you to say sic, he's ready and willingly. Silly mornings teasing him for his awful Spanish, relaxing days on the couch cuddled up and...

Sex: I'm gonna hold your hand when I say this... your coochie is in danger girl :(

For at least the first month Soap will make it a mission to keep you under him in as many positions as he can get you. Slow and intimate or so nasty you can't look your neighbors in the eyes, Soap is going to do it all. If you have even an ounce of submissiveness or praise kink in you, Soap is exploiting that asap. He wants you on your knees and every worry out of your head so he can fuck all thirteen letters of his name into you until it's the only thing that's left. Lovingly of course. If you're a bit on the secretly kinky side he's so down and will encourage you to take what you need from him, no matter how crazy it seems. True love lmao.

Possible points of Contention:

Doesn't know when to quit

Second hand Embarrassment

Bringing the filter-less white boy home to the family

Your Poly Pairing (haha) is….

GHOAP- Now before you run away!! This traditional fan fave pairing is the perfect blend of danger and comfort. Soap would be the outwardly loving partner who'd cry with you over tiktoks, while Ghost snorts under his breath but makes sure nothing disturbs your peace. Despite his intensity and a possible learning curve at the beginning, Ghost and you would act as a mirror reflection of each other (Layered, looking for the deeper meaning and efficient at what you do.) He’d take you seriously and be an excellent counsel for you to lean on. Johnny will act as a natural buffer and bring a 4 speed magic wand, the spirit of fun and spontaneity to this threesome. Good luck if they tag team you or identify a threat though...

[sleepanonymous]

helloouugh i have seen your tags from the ivy neck post lmao.. did.. something happen again in the fandom? i am not asking for details if you don't wanna give tbh, i just have seen nothing and i was a bit bummed out to see you saying you need ''unsee juice'', the boys can't catch a break. :/ i hope that was a 'general state of things' unsee and not smething recent

Hi Anon, ty for the ask 🖤😅 Yeeeah there was some very subtle but creepy drama happening on Reddit over the past 2-3 weeks. Tea below the cut, I guess? TLDR is everything turned out fine but was still a big "Yikes!"

I was a quiet observer of this one, and I'm pretty sure it flew beneath 99.9% of the fandom's radar. I feel kinda bad bringing it up after the dust has settled, but I guess it's my own fault for tagging that IVy's neck meme the way I did 😅

This stated around the beginning of the month, but to tell the story properly, I gotta start 10 days ago. There is an "identity friendly" Sleep Token subreddit where a girl commented under a post stating that somebody's "acquaintance" was mates with her big brother (III being the acquaintance mentioned).

That comment piqued the interest of one of my good friends, and with a little snooping on the commenter's Reddit profile, they found a post from 22 days ago under r/crushes titled something along the lines of "Are your brother's friends off limits? Age gap?" In the post the Reddit user talks about crushing on an older guy who is friends with her brother (👀), and how he used to like her Instagram stories until he deleted his social media late last year (👀👀). At this point, my friends and I were thinking this could be a coincidence or the user could be talking about III based off the similarities and sparse information provided.

I'm almost certain there was a second r/crushes post or an r/dating post, or comments made under other posts, where the user talked about getting invited by her brother to hang out in his "friend circle," where she asked for advice in flirting with an older guy that shares 0% of her interests. I can't find it linked in any conversations, and (spoiler alert) the user's Reddit was deleted.

By this point I, being a 30-something-year-old woman who used to crush on men much older than me when I was this poster's age, who knows exactly how damaging these age-gap relationships can be, felt extremely concerned for this girl (no offense to III). But I, as well as my friends, all decided to keep our mouths shut and not engage because it's honestly none of our business and we don't need to get involved anymore than we were.

Then there was a post under r/dating seven days ago where the Reddit user asked for advice in staying overnight at her new boyfriend's house. This post pretty much confirmed the Reddit user was talking about III with the information she provided in the post, but it's also where my friends and I concluded that this was most likely an entirely made up situation. This r/dating post literally read like the premise to a fanfiction: recently started dating her brother's older friend, she'd never been in a serious relationship but really likes this guy, he invited her to spend the night, and she has no idea what to expect. People were responding to her post with concern and genuine advice and she was engaging and thanking them and giving them more info.

This all posed two possible major issues: One, if this was real, and III had began dating his friend's little sister, she was posting all of this private information about him and their relationship online in a literal breadcrumb trail for Sleep token fans to find. Two, if this was fake, then what the fuck? What was she getting out of this? Was this some weird IRL Fanfic she was writing for herself, using Reddit as her platform and involving real people who were giving her attention, advice, and genuine concern? Was she trolling in the hopes that somebody in the Sleep Token fandom would be following along? Because that sadly did work.

In a very anticlimactic manner, because I can't explain how, why, where, or who, it was found out that III was not, in fact, dating this person at all. Within half a day of me and my friends finding that out, the Reddit user had deleted her profile. I have no clue if someone reached out to her (nobody in my friend circle did) or if she maybe received the same information about III and was embarrassed by her actions online.

Honestly, for III's sake, I hope that this entire thing was some crazy daydream fantasy of some random girl with absolutely no connections to Sleep Token whatsoever. I hope that it simply blew out of proportion and that III had absolutely no idea about the posts the user was making. Also, for the user's sake, I hope she sticks to ao3, ffn, and similar places for these weird fantasies.

Anyway, yeah. Some people don't know how to behave online and they also need to stop bothering III and stay out of his personal business for god's sake.

[toriwritesstories]

No one tagged me in one of these but I saw the questions and wanted to participate hehe

20 Questions for Fic Writers

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

53 total, technically 1 of those is under a different pseud because it's the only fic I ported from FF.net onto Ao3 and I used my FF username as the pseud for that reason.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 

Just checked and apparently it is 2,416,967 .... sooo that's totally normal right?!?!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I struggle to write for more than 1 fandom at a time so right now I'm pretty much only writing Shadowzel from BG3.

BUT the others I've written for are, in order of recency:

Hosie from Legacies

Deanoru from The Runaways

Choni from Riverdale

Clexa from The 100

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

Pretty sure that they're all going to be Clexa but lemme go pull the list...

1) Pristine (Clexa)

2) Come With Me (Clexa)

3) Lift Me, Catch Me (Clexa)

4) Still Made of Gold (Clexa)

5) Online Lifeline (Clexa)

Yep, no surprises there. But actually my 6th is Choni: She Didn't Know It Then but seems like my older fics from the fandom that was probably the biggest I've been in have the most kudos, makes sense to me hehe!

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to respond to as many comments as I can while I'm posting. Unless I feel the urgent need to respond to a comment, I only respond when I'm at my desk about to update. So I don't usually respond once a fic is finished unless the comment really compels me to. This is simply a time and effort kinda situation, I read them in my email and they always make my day, and I'm always happy to respond on social media if anyone ever wants to chat about any of my fics!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

The angstiest ending?! Uhhh I'm a happy ending girlie. I guess technically it's probably one of my Hosie oneshots in my A World Where I Was Yours series, just because it's my version of post canon of Legacies!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

There are too many happy endings in my fics for me to decide aaahhhh. Ummmm. Maybe it's hard to breathe (when you're in the air) which is one of my favorite Hosie fics that I wrote?? but idk seriously they're all happy endings in terms of the pairing so it comes down to which characters in which fics had the happiest overall life situation and there are too many to think about it lol!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten negative comments for sure but I dunno if I'd call it hate exactly. The negative comment that I remember the most was on a Choni fic and they complained that the characters were too OOC, and it was nooooot done constructively at all and someone else (possibly same person different guest user) piled on even more rudely... so that wasn't fun (and also yeah all my characters are kinda OOC because that's what happens when you write AU?)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, yes I do. I feel like it's fairly vanilla. I used to mark everything rated M before I was informed that perhaps I've been writing E smut without realizing it lmao. So now I rate new fics with smut as E.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I haven't ever posted any crossovers, but I did start one that was a Legacies/The Runaways crossover because of an idea that seriously amused me, but once I wrote the premise I got bored and stopped lol.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not a whole fic but back in my FF days someone took a Halloween Party chapter (wow I write those a lot actually, I'm not even a Halloween party girlie) and used it as a flashback on their Wattpad fic and someone kindly let me know and I had to message them to take it down.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? 

Yes! I had a few fics back on FF.net that were translated into French :) but the deal was that I wanted to post them because I wasn't comfy with someone else doing the posting of my ideas. And now I typically turn down offers of translation just because I'm less comfy with it now then I was when I was younger.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? 

I haven't, but I'd be open to doing so if it was for an idea I felt like me and the other author(s) were really vibing with!

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? 

Impossible question. Whichever ship I'm currently obsessing over is my all-time favorite. Which would be Shadowzel rn. But probably in a few years I'll feel differently lol. I strongly feel that all the ships I've ever shipped are the best ever and I cannot choose a favorite.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Sooo many. I have a ton of Choni WIPs that I never finished, including one that got to like 20-30k words but just sits all dusty in its word folder. I once started a Part 3 to my Clexa travel fic (Come With Me linked earlier) that I couldn't get into but the vision was soooo cute. I also started a Part 3 to my Choni travel fic which also had a great vision but I'm just not as into Choni anymore so it feels hard to go back to now.

16. What are your writing strengths? 

I think I'm good at dialogue and characterization, those are my favorite parts of my own writing at least!

17. What are your writing weaknesses? 

Dude. I apparently cannot get enough of adverbs. I have to prune so many when I'm editing fics. Ugh. And I have some repetitive phrases that I also end up having to prune out.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? 

I've done it before with google translate and made modifications when people who spoke those languages corrected me haha. But it's not something I do often just because it hasn't really been super relevant to most of what I write.

19. First fandom you wrote for? 

Glee. It was Glee. I was 13. We don't need to talk about it.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? 

My favorite?!!? It's always my latest fic, I pretty much always feel like the latest thing I'm working on is the best and so it's my favorite right now for sure. And that would be Reignited (Shadowzel).

Anyone who sees this and wants to participate, feel free to copy the questions, I know this is a tagging game but I don't do that kind of thing, I just saw these questions in another post and felt like talking about my fanfic lmfao.

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 9 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year

additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 9.6k

genre: angst, hurt/comfort, not really fluff but a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: miss jenn is a legend icon queen slay goddess (cited two times), iconic interactions between the cast, jealous ricky being a cutie, ricky and EJ are not bros yet, nini has gone from messy to borderline evil, your mom is a legend, kourtney anxiety foreshadowing, opening night/theatre vibes so strong it made me tear up a little /hj, lynne bowen is a horrible horrible toxic person!!!, todd jumpscare, ricky has a mental breakdown, EJ is trying his best but horribly misreads the situation, ricky is in a crisis, ricky bpd episode, art to cope :'), ricky has a good support system, reader is good in a crisis, nini is REALLY testing your patience, gina gets a well deserved moment to shine, terrible theatre etiquette, ricky gets emotionally ambushed, mike is a good dad, nini gets yelled at by reader (slay), reader yells at lynne (slay), reader gets slapped (in a dramatic way not a violent or sexy way), reader gets called a slut as an insult, ricky defends you, messy necessary screaming match (slay), things are said that cannot be unsaid :/

summary: opening night is just as magical and incredible as ricky hoped it would be, just as wonderful as you made it sound - until the worst case scenario comes to fruition. but the show must go on, right?

song recs: something about this night - finding neverland obc, twenty million people - my favorite year obc, opening up - waitress obc, twinkle in her eye - leann rimes, window seat - amelie obc, this is how I disappear (instrumental) - my chemical romance, un organo suona - ennio morricone, the music and the mirror - a chorus line obc, holding onto you - twenty one pilots, you oughta know - jagged little pill obc

other media: "art is not a luxury, it's sustinance" - ethan hawke ted talk clip, "and the way he sings sends a chill right through me" - lullaby for the taken lyric by kimya dawson, "what a mother does for you out of obligation vs what a mother does for you because she wants to" - text post/poem by tumblr user vympr,

a/n: fangz to cici for reading!!! I felt like my immortal chapter 6 "paragraph" 4 while writing the last part trying not to under or overuse dialog tags lmao. remember when I said it's gonna get messy? it gets worse :)

tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

You and Ricky had been planning to get to the El Rey early on opening night since tech week, to make sure you have plenty of extra time to get ready, warm up, and get in character. Plus, you’ve been telling him how much you’ve missed just being in theaters, and near stages. The more time you’re there, the better. When you’re on the way over Ricky couldn’t shake the excitement gripping him. You can’t seem shake the feeling something was going to go wrong.

It was different from nerves, different from anxiety or worries that everyone can get before a big event. It was the same small, nudging feeling you got the night the basement flooded during your run in Matilda. It’s not as bad as it had been that time, but you take in a breath, steadying yourself and knowing you should be ready for anything. When you do, the feeling is quickly overshadowed by your excitement. You haven’t acted in far too long, and you’re ecstatic that you’ll get to perform again soon. 

Once you get to the theater, you and Ricky are the first to sign the sign in sheet. You draw a little smiley face next to his name, and when he glances back at you, eyes falling on the paper. He smiles, struck by sudden joy at the little face. He leans back over and grabs a pen, drawing a smiley next to your name on the line below. Miss Jenn glances down when he returns the pen. 

“Oh!” she exclaims, seeing the little faces, “How cute. I love this energy we’re creating.” she gestures vaguely before shooing you off to your respective dressing rooms to get ready. 

Soon everyone’s there, and you’re once again wrapped up in the familiar hustle and bustle of show nights. You and your castmates are simultaneously getting in costume, warming up, and trying to get ready while helping each other’s hair and makeup. Ashlyn and Nini join you in an impromptu karaoke session, singing your hearts out to Bop to the Top while Nina riffs and harmonizes. The boys, one or two rooms away, start singing Getcha Head in the Game at the same time. In spite of the chaotic cacophony of voices, it's both a good way to warm up, and a good outlet for the nervous energy growing, bouncing from one person to the next, turning electric. 

Kourney enters suddenly, grabbing some bobby pins.

"Do you know if you have any safety pins?" She asks.

"Uh," you pause doing your hair, tying it up into a bouncy low half updo, and fumble through your bag, "how many do you need?" 

"Two or three?" She says hopefully. No matter how many you buy, bobby pins and safety pins always seem to be in short supply at every theater you've been to. You dig around for a minute before finding them, handing them to Kourtney.

"Thank you!" She declares, "Seb's shirt just completely-"

"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Ashlyn asks, and Kourtney pauses, noticing she's not wearing them. 

"Shit," Kourtney mutters, both of you looking around for them.

"Knock knock!" Comes Seb’s voice from behind the door.

"Decent!" You and Ashlyn reply in unison. Seb enters, holding the side of his shirt together with his hands. 

"Any luck?" He asks Kourtney. 

"Right here," she replies, holding up the safety pins. "Turn around." Nina puts in her headphones and starts doing some vocal exercises and scales to warm up a little more. Seb lifts up his jacket so Kourtney can pin the ripped seam back together.

"Oh," she remembers, "have you seen Ashlyn’s glasses?"

"The really big ones?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"Nope." He shrugs. She turns to Ashlyn. 

"We'll find them." Kourtney reassures her. Seb heads back to his dressing room he shares with Ricky and EJ, and you move on to the last few steps of your makeup routine. 

"Where are they?" Ashlyn huffs rhetorically. Natalie pokes her head in a moment later. 

"40 minutes till show time!"

"Thank you 40!" The three of you reply together. A little while later, you’re finally dressed and waiting for the glue on your eyelashes to get tacky, when you hear EJ call your name. You stumble out of your dressing room, zipping up your boot, and you’re greeted with EJ in his Chad costume, clearly in a huff. 

“Can you help me with my eyeliner?” he asks, a slightly petulant tone to his voice, handing you a black pencil. You laugh. 

“Yeah, hold on.” you go back into your dressing room, passing by Seb telling Kourtney something. You dig through your makeup bag as Seb reenters, Darbus glasses in hand, presenting them to Ashlyn. 

"Where were they?" She exclaims. 

"The prop table!" He says. 

"Why?" Ash asks, stating your thoughts exactly. 

"Natalie says they're technically a prop because in the detention scene when you…" you find what you're looking for, missing the tail end of his sentence as you leave a moment later with a stiff angled brush in hand. You grab EJ and lead him to the stairs where he can sit down. He does so, and you rub the bristles against the eyeliner, demonstrating for him. 

“This will make the application a lot more precise. Close your eyes…” you instruct, tilting his head back. You smudge the outside of his lash lines, careful not to make it look like too much. 

“Okay, now this is the scary part…” you trail off, gently lifting up his eyelid. “I swear I’m not going to stab you, just look down and don’t blink.” you instruct at the worried look on his face. You tight line the middle of his lash line for a defined, natural effect, then repeat the step on the other side. 

“Okay,” you say, pulling away to check that it looks even, unaware of Ricky standing a few feet away, watching you hold EJ’s face. You look so focused, and a twinge of jealousy flashes through his stomach, wishing you were holding his face, looking focused at him like that. 

“You should be good,” you say, and Ricky approaches, dragging you away as EJ thanks you.

“I just need to borrow her for a second.” he cuts EJ off, smiling tensely at him - one he returns. Ricky takes you a few feet away while EJ goes back into their dressing room. 

“What’s up?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh.

“I just… I can’t figure out this whole bronzer thing.” You bite back a smile. You know that  it’s bullshit, specifically because you went through his whole stage makeup routine with him twice last night. He could do his makeup and anyone else’s with one hand tied behind his back, so he obviously just wants your attention. You can’t deny that it’s really cute - and it’s working. He’s probably nervous, you figure. You chuckle, taking the brush from him. 

“Make a fish face,” you instruct, sucking in your cheeks and puckering your lips. His face mirrors yours, and you blend the product into his foundation. Your hand rests on his jaw, angling it this way and that until you’re satisfied with your work. He glances briefly back at the stairs, where EJ has long since left. Ricky’s about to look for any other excuse to keep you here for a few more minutes, your eyes light up, remembering something.

“Oh!” you exclaim, turning around, “Stay right here.” You’re back a moment later after digging through your bag past bobby pins, safety pins, your water bottle, script, sewing kit, extra makeup, makeup wipes, bandaids, and throat lozenges. You grab a small box, holding it triumphantly before running back out to Ricky in the hall. You stand in front of him, that glimmer in your eye. 

“I have a surprise.” Excitement swirls in his chest.

“What is it?” he asks, trying to suppress the anticipatory giggle bubbling up, his energy matching yours. You hand him the small box, and he looks at it, confused. He opens it slowly, pulling out a little charm. It’s a dog tag with the number 14, and a metallic T on a jump ring.

“Oh my god…” he breathes, looking at it closer. You’re beaming, so glad that he likes it. 

“You know,” you say softly, “something to remember your first show by. And your heart ring was looking kind of lonely.” You smile, pointing to the plastic ring he still wears around his neck, waiting until the last possible minute to take it off. You barely get the words out before he grabs your arms, pulling you close and kissing you. His lips are warm as they move against yours, and for a split second, you forget where you are, completely losing context for everything around you. 

“I love-” he murmurs against your mouth, freezing for an instant. Your hearts skip a beat in tandem, then he cuts himself off to kiss you again. “I love it.” he finishes. You smile against his lips, pulling away very reluctantly. He leans back in, pressing a few more kisses to your lips before you wiggle out of his grasp. 

“Ricky!” you laugh, “We’re gonna mess up our makeup. We can kiss after the show.” He runs his fingers up and down your arms, gazing at you as you talk. You have all his attention. 

“Okay,” he says in that light hearted, joking tone of his that always makes you laugh, “but I’m gonna hold you to that.” You laugh again, and he takes off his necklace so you can slip on the new charm. After getting it fixed on the chain, you reattach it to his neck. 

At the end of the hall where you’re standing, Nina lingers, watching Ricky touch you and kiss you like that. It makes her sick, and she finds herself holding back a gag. Her hours of research had turned into days, and she has your playbill.com page open on her phone at this very moment. She’s torn, reminiscing over how much she loved your performances and how obsessed with you she was as a kid, and simultaneously fuming over it. You’ve done all this professional work, you’ve acted on Broadway, and now you’re here at East High? 

She scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. She wanted so badly to be you, to have your perfect life, and you threw it all away for what? To come do crappy high school theatre in a town that couldn’t be further from New York? She fights a laugh suddenly, realizing just how much dirt she has on you. There must be a reason you’ve been keeping this secret, lying to everyone, lying to Ricky. She shakes her head. She doesn’t know why yet, but she’s going to find out. 

35 minutes before curtain, Miss Jenn gathers everyone for circle time, and a cast meeting to boost morale before the show. Everyone is finally in costume and Kourtney follows Seb, makeup pallet in hand, adjusting the finishing touches to the glitter on his cheeks. You can feel the energy stirring and growing, electric between all of you. 

“Most of you know that our dazzling Taylor had to leave under family circumstances. Gina sends her love and support, but has left for the east coast and will not be able to make it to tonight’s performance.” Miss Jenn says. You and Ricky share a look, trying not to be too obvious. You got Gina a plane ticket together, and your mom is at the airport right now to pick her up. The last you heard from her, Gina’s flight was delayed. Now there’s only a slim chance she’ll get here in time. You silently keep your fingers crossed, praying to whatever theatre gods are out there that she’ll make it to the theater before it's too late. 

“And so,” Miss Jenn continues, “I have asked… Kourtney to fill in, in her place!”

The room erupts into cheers. Kourtney smiles, eyes on the floor bashfully. She’s praying she doesn’t seem as nervous as she feels. It’s not that she didn’t expect you guys to be supportive of her subbing in as Taylor, but seeing first hand how excited everyone is for her eases some of the worries that have been building up. 

“Now,” Miss Jenn continues, “everyone join hands.” After some heartfelt words of encouragement and other usual circle time warm ups, she claps her hands.

“Let’s go, wildcats! 20 minutes to curtain!”

Once again, the room erupts into cheers. 

“Now, if I can get my main characters and my ensemble members starting the show with a mic on stage for mic check?” she directs, pointing towards the way to the wings. You walk with everyone else towards the stage, pausing when you pass Miss Jenn. 

“Do you want me to help Kourtney get ready?” you ask. Her hair and makeup are done, she just has to get in costume, but you can sense that she needs a pep talk. 

“That would be fantastic,” she says with a look that indicates she thinks Kourtney could use a pep talk too, “thank you, Sharpay.” She pulls out her walkie to let Big Red know you and Kourtney are going to be released from mic check early to finish getting ready. After singing We’re All In This Together while Big Red adjusts your volume from the sound booth, Kourtney sings Bop to the Top, voice getting louder and quieter as Red tweaks the settings. Once you’ve both gotten the thumbs up, you scurry backstage to your dressing room, handing her costume pieces while she gets changed. 

“Oh, wait,” you say before she pulls on her top. You grab your setting spray you use for shows from your bag. “Close your eyes.” You mist her face with the product, fanning it dry so it doesn’t smudge. 

“Thanks,” she says. You take one look at her expression, and can tell she’s nervous.  

“You okay?” You ask. She hesitates, then sighs.

“I had two weeks to learn all my lines. I had two weeks to learn all the lines and the songs, I haven’t even gotten to rehearse on stage with you guys, and I’m just so worried I’m going to blow it, or choke in front of everyone…” she trails off. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg, and she fiddles with her bracelets, trying to get out some nervous energy. 

“There is no way you’re going to choke.” you say confidently, “You know this show inside and out! Plus, haven’t you been running lines with Nini the whole time?” you ask.

“Yeah,” she replies, listening carefully, trying to grab onto your reassurance.

“Almost all of Taylor’s scenes are with Gabriella.” You state. Her expression changes as she realizes you’re right. She knows this part better than she was giving herself credit for. 

“Plus there will be scripts in the wings if you need to refresh between scenes.” 

“Yeah,” she says again, more confident this time. “I know my lines, I know the songs, I know the dances - mostly, at least - so it’s all going to be fine! Even if the choreography in Stick to the Status Quo is still totally terrifying, and I have no idea how to dance with a lunch tray or do a death wack, it’s going to be fine!” Her laughter turned from relieved to slightly panicked again. 

“You think you’re nervous for Stick to the Status Quo?” you ask rhetorically, a comedic note to your voice, “I have to get caked in the face!” You exclaim with a chuckle. You’ve only practiced with an actual cake once, during the last tech rehearsal, and it was messy, to say the least. Literally and figuratively. 

Kourtney laughs, remembering the whipped cream that got everywhere, how loud you were yelling in character before storming off. It took more makeup wipes than you'd expected to get the sticky sugar off your face. 

“We’ll get through it together.” You state, holding out your hand. She squeezes it, reassuringly.

“Yeah. We will.” 

“Five minutes to places!” Natalie calls, poking her head in. 

“Thank you five!” you both reply. You check your phone one last time, the new text from your mom stating that she’s still at the airport, waiting for Gina’s flight. You text Ricky the same thing, letting him know you’re all still waiting for more updates on the delay. The good news is that your mom’s friend from work - who was planning on coming to see the show anyway - is going to stream the show to your mom until she can get there, that way she won’t miss anything. 

It doesn’t feel like five minutes has gone by when Natalie is calling for places, ushering everybody into the wings and into their starting places and positions. Hushed whispers of encouragement and break a leg spread through the wings, and everyone falls silent as Miss Jenn begins her curtain speech. It’s unusual for a group of such high energy people to be so still, so quiet, and you soak up every moment of it. This is your favorite part - or one of them, at least; it's those few fleeting minutes when everyone’s backstage in the wings, the opening of the show is seconds away and hurdling closer and closer with every breath, every heartbeat. This is one of those magical, transformative, fleeting times that can only really be described as in between. 

You never knew just how much you would miss this, the distinct and irreplaceable energy, the feeling of being in a theater. Tears spring to your eyes as it really hits you that you’re home, back where you’ve always needed to be. You close your eyes, taking deep, measured breaths to focus, to get into that headspace of being in character. Even with your eyes closed, you can feel it around you; the rich wood and cement mixing into different sections of the floor, the heavy curtains, the grid and catwalk and lights, all intangibly high and far away. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you don’t know how your body is supposed to contain it. You know now that you could never leave, not really. Theatre will always be your home, and you know this feeling will only solidify more and more with time. You realize, too, that it’s a home that will always grow and change and evolve with you, because that’s in its eternal, fleeting nature. That’s the most beautiful part, you think.

You squeeze Seb’s hand in excitement and encouragement and every other good thing, a gesture that he returns. In spite of the silence and the stillness, you know that everyone is just as excited as you are. Ricky’s in the opposite wing, or else you’d be squeezing his hand right now too right now. You use this moment, this stillness that's growing and getting more charged with energy every second, to become laser focused on giving this performance everything you've got - on really getting your head in the game. 

Nini looks around, then over at Ricky - again. He’s been avoiding her this whole night, and she can’t stand it. She leans closer. 

“I need to talk to you. After the show.” someone shushes her, and she lowers her voice, continuing. “She’s been lying to you about everything. You don’t know everything about her, Ricky.” 

“Yes, I-” he cuts himself off, not wanting to feed into this. Not now. “I have to get into character.” He says, moving away from her. He tries to focus on the energy the cast is creating around him, on becoming Troy. He takes a breath, centering himself. 

“Without further ado, I am proud to present… East High’s High School Musical: the Musical!” Miss Jenn’s voice is drowned out by applause, and the music begins. 

The first few songs and scenes go smoothly; everyone is on time and remembering their cues, and the audience couldn’t be more engaged, applauding and laughing right when you want them to. During Jack Scott’s announcements after Darbus reveals what the winter musical is going to be, you leave to get ready for What I’ve Been Looking For. You pass by Ricky, who’s quick changing for Get’cha Head in the Game, and shoot him a big thumbs up.

“Great job!” you whisper enthusiastically, stomping your feet quietly in excitement.

“Thanks,” he smiles, beaming as he pulls on his jersey. He watches you scurry down the hall before getting nudged toward the stage right before his cue. He shakes his head, wondering why he let Nini get him so worked up before. Of course he knows you. He knows everything about you! There’s absolutely nothing on earth you could tell him that would throw him off, or scare him away from you. She’s probably just making something up to get in his head, to drive a wedge between you. That seems like something she would do lately.

“Let’s see some hustle! Move, move, move!” Coach Bolton calls from onstage, and Ricky jogs over to him, as ready as he'll ever be.

“Sorry I’m late, coach.”

As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, as much as he’s trying to stay in character and stay focused on the scene, Nini’s words are still echoing in the back of his mind, throwing him off a little. He catches his dad’s eye in the crowd as the music starts. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked this proud, and it steadies Ricky. He takes in a breath, and begins to sing. Part way through the song, he notices a woman in the crowd who looks weirdly like his mom. He doesn’t miss a beat, making sure to look in his dad’s direction instead. That’s weird, he thinks, but it can’t be her. There’s no way she’d come all the way from Chicago for something like this. Just like what Nini said to him before the show, he won’t let that distract him from performing, and tries not to let that throw him off.

During the dance break, he gets hooked up to his harness, and his stomach erupts into excited butterflies as he slowly moves up. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd that turns into cheers as he hovers in front of the hoop, ball in hand. Up here, he’s not blinded by the stage lights, and he looks down at the crowd, able to see his dad’s face even better than before. He’s filled with such euphoria, he knows you’re right - nothing can beat this feeling. He feels more alive, more awake than he ever has, simultaneously enveloped by a deep sense of peace, of rightness that he doesn’t want to let go of. 

On the other side of the auditorium, someone moves, catching his eye. Some guy is making his way into his seat, presumably because he showed up late. He leans over to his date, kissing her and touching her leg. Nothing could have prepared Ricky for what he saw when he pulled away. Past the blinding stage lights, his stomach plummets back down to earth as he’s able to make out more faces in the audience - including hers. She’s here. She’s really here, and she brought that douchebag with her. She’s whispering something in that bastard’s ear, barely five rows away from his dad. They’re all over each other, talking close and kissing and smiling. 

It’s only when she points up at him that he snaps out of it. He realizes the pit has been waitin for his cue a beat or two longer than usual, and follows up quickly with it. He had dropped his basketball when he was up there, and he’s scrambling to make it through the rest of the number. He tries desperately to get back into character, to focus on the lyrics and choreography, to focus on the music instead of what he just saw in front of him, but he can’t shake what just happened, what he just saw. Even as he’s being pulled backstage to change into the costume for his next scene, it takes all his effort not to let that overwhelm him. He can’t crumble right now, not like this. There’s a whole cast and crew, all his friends, that are counting on him. He gets some water, tries to pull himself together. 

EJ looks for Ricky backstage, having a few minutes before their next scene. Even he has to admit he was impressed with Ricky’s performance back there. He looked so conflicted, so torn between basketball and singing. He even managed to make his distracted blocking and choreography look so organic EJ was worried he’d messed up for a second. He’s been giving him a hard time, butting heads on and off stage, but Ricky is really shining tonight. He’s committed, and EJ has to commend him for that. 

“Ricky,” he says, just loudly enough to get his attention. Ricky turns around. “I have to hand it to you; you’re doing great out there, man. You deserve all the applause you’re getting.” 

Ricky takes a breath, closing his water bottle.

“Thanks.” 

He stares into space to the ceiling on EJ’s right, gripping his water bottle until his knuckles have a white cast to them. EJ’s brow furrows. He actually seems a little out of it. 

“Are you okay?” he asks carefully. They’re not really close like that, but even EJ can see that he seems a little off. 

“I’m fine,” he says a little too fast. “I am totally fine. Because it’s opening night, and nothing’s going to ruin this.” 

Suddenly it makes sense. He knows exactly what Ricky’s going through. He sighs. 

“Look, everybody gets stage fright. Just take a deep breath, and use the music and your lines to stay grounded.” He claps Ricky on the shoulder supportively.

“Thanks,” he chokes out again. EJ leaves to fix his mic tape, and Ricky is once again exactly where he doesn’t want to be - alone with his thoughts. Even though EJ has no idea of the scope of issues Ricky’s dealing with right now, his advice might still work. Instead of waiting in his dressing room, he hovers in the wings, going over the chemistry class scene as it happens, waiting for the lights to go down so he can talk to you, or at least be near you. He’s so tempted to barge onstage and drag you away with him. Instead he listens closely to your dialog with Gabriella. Just hearing your voice is enough for him to hold on to for now.

The lights go down, and you exit into the wings. You’re surprised to find Ricky there - he usually comes up about half way through Jack Scott’s narration. One look at his face and you know something’s wrong. Before you can ask, he’s pulling you into a less busy area by the prop table. 

“She’s here.” He grips your arm, hand shaking. He doesn’t need to say anything else, you already have a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, the effect this is having on him. 

“Here?” you ask, needing to clarify, and he nods. “Are you okay?” you ask sincerely.

“I’m…” he struggles for an answer, “trying to be.” You take his hands in yours so gently he doesn’t even notice until your thumbs are stroking his skin reassuringly.

“Okay,” you say calmly, and he can see the gears turning, see you figuring out the perfect solution as you speak. “Why don’t you have some water, stay right here, and I’ll go get Miss Jenn, okay?” 

He nods, and you move quickly to Natalie, asking her if she knows where Miss Jenn is. She picks up her walkie talkie, asking Miss Jenn to come to the stage right wing. Jack’s narration scene wraps up and the crew changes the set to Darbus’s detention. You have seconds before you have to get out there, and you turn to Ricky, worried about him. 

“Are you going to be okay?” you ask in a hushed whisper. 

“Yeah.” he says, “I think so.” 

You see Miss Jenn walking toward the stage right wing as you’re about to head onstage.

“We’ll talk to her right after.” you tell him in a hushed, reassuring whisper. You give his hand one more squeeze before you find your places in the dark. Moments later, the lights are up, and the scene begins. In all the time you’ve spent acting, you’ve gotten very good at staying in character, compartmentalizing thoughts and worries about your personal life while you’re onstage. You find it a little more difficult to keep the disgust at Lynne Bowen’s blatant lack of basic respect, or even awareness for the consequences of her actions, buried in the back of your mind as the scene plays out. 

Sitting on the wooden flooring of the stage, warm under the bright lights, Ricky does exactly what he’s supposed to do - he uses the scene and dialog to stay grounded. He follows the dialog while doing his stage business, listening for his cues just like Miss Jenn thought him to do. If he stays in character, he doesn’t have to think about any offstage drama. As long as he doesn’t look out to that section of seats, as long as he can keep his eyes from being magnetically drawn there, he’s going to be fine. He stays in character, stays right there as Troy, clinging to his character like a life raft. If he can be Troy, he doesn’t have to worry about everything he’s going to have to deal with as Ricky for just a few more minutes. It's desperate and fleeting, but it's the only thing he can do right now. 

Soon, the lights are down, and you’re hustling toward the stage right wing, where you know Miss Jenn is waiting. He finds your hand in the dark, the sparkly pink sequins on your outfit unmistakable even in the darkness. He holds onto you desperately, until you’re both standing in front of Miss Jenn. She knows from one look that whatever is going on, it’s bad. 

“Um," Ricky starts, swallowing hard, "my mom is here…” he hates that his voice is already trembling so soon. It sounds more like a question than a statement, and his stomach twists at how foreign the word now feels in his mouth. My mom. The last time he called her that had been months ago when he told you and Miss Jenn what had happened. Ever since he’s only referred to her through pronouns and as briefly as possible, trying to disconnect the person she is from who she was supposed to be. Who he thought she was. The closest he’s gotten to addressing her has been vague statements; she didn’t call back, or I think that was her recipe, let’s find a different one. Actually saying it, actually calling her that makes his jaw feel stiff. 

“My god.” Miss Jenn says softly, unable to believe that she could have the audacity to show up unannounced after what she put Ricky through. Ricky hesitates, and she knows there’s more. She nods, waiting for him to continue. 

“And she, uh,” he swallows thickly, hating his throat for tightening up so much when he has to sing in a few minutes, “she brought her boyfriend…” Your eyes widen and Miss Jenn gasps. 

“They’re in the sixth row, they keep talking and kissing, and-” he cuts himself off, unable to continue. His hands are balled up, tight and shaking. 

“Okay. Ricky, sweetie, why don’t we talk about this somewhere a little more private.” You both guide him to the boys’ dressing room, and after making sure no one’s in there, she sits down facing him, and takes his hands in hers. 

“From the beginning, what happened?” 

He was barely able to get it out the first time, but now he can’t stop. Everything he’s been trying so hard to ignore and shove down for the last 20 minutes - and it’s felt way longer than 20 minutes - comes tumbling out. He doesn't think he could stop talking if he tried. He doesn’t even realize how loud he’s getting until Miss Jenn gently shushes him. 

“We don’t want the audience to hear us.” he nods, taking a breath for the first time since he started talking. You left a minute ago to check on how much time you have before the next scene, and reenter the dressing room now, looking stressed. 

“They’re almost done with Auditions.” you state. You need to go up there now, you and Seb have What I’ve Been Looking For soon, and you don’t want to miss your cue. 

“Go,” she says. Ricky nods, so you do, knowing that Miss Jenn has this under control, that she can help Ricky right now. Your footsteps recede, and Ricky turns back to Miss Jenn. 

“Ricky,” she starts calmly, “what she did was wildly inappropriate.” He already feels a little better, less crazy, and he waits for her to continue. 

“Showing up unannounced with a…" she chooses her words carefully, "date, was… probably the worst thing that could have happened tonight.” 

“Yeah,” he scoffs in agreement. She continues.

“You have every right to be as upset as you are. Whatever you need right now, just tell me, okay?” He nods. “I think what we should do is get your dad, and let him know what’s going on. I can try to have one of the ushers escort her out, but I’m sure the last thing you want tonight is even more drama.” 

“Got that right,” he breathes, relieved. 

“I’m going to talk to EJ and see if he can go on as Troy-” 

“What? No.” he protests. 

“Ricky-” 

“No, Miss Jenn- I have to play Troy. Please, I have to!” 

“It might be best for you-” 

He stands up suddenly. “What’s best for me is going out there; acting and singing, like we rehearsed -  like I’m supposed to! Please, you can’t…” 

“Okay,” she says, standing up and trying to calm him down a little. “Okay. If you think you can do it, you can go back out there.” 

He relaxes a little. 

“Thank you.” his voice breaks as he speaks, and she realizes how badly he needs this right now.

“Why don’t we revisit this at intermission, see how you’re feeling then? Just to check up on you.” she adds quickly. 

“Okay.” he agrees. She puts a hand on his arm. 

“I’m going to let EJ know to get ready, just in case you change your mind. We’ve got to be ready for anything, right?” She smiles gently, one he tries to return. 

“Right,” he says. A stagehand pokes his head into the room.

“Troy, we need you.”

“Be right there,” Miss Jenn says. She claps her hand over Ricky’s one more time. “Okay, Ricky, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go out there and sing a ballad with Gabriella that will make the audience swoon,” he smiles, “and I am going to do my best to get this situation resolved as quickly and discreetly as possible. If anything else happens, or you need anything, come tell me right away.”

“Okay.” he says, this time, with a note of determination in his voice. Miss Jenn pats him on the back, sending him off. He runs through the halls, making it just in time. Once he’s in the wings, she pulls out her phone to text Mike, and fill him in on everything that’s going on. He enters on Gabriella’s cue, and Miss Jenn pauses, watching him deliver his lines. All the distress, all the pain melts away as he steps into character.

It’s giving him a break from everything, she thinks, it has been the whole time. Theatre isn’t just a luxury or a passion for some people, it’s a means of survival. It hits her all at once, that in staying here, in facing the challenges and struggles that came from directing this show, she’s helping Ricky through one of the hardest things he’ll ever go through. She’s become the person she needed when she was his age; with only one parent, feeling completely lost at sea. Her chest squeezes, and she watches them sing, their voices sending a chill through her. 

Backstage, in the few dark moments of the set change for Cellular Fusion, Nina somehow manages to corner you. 

“What did you do to him?” she demands, and you know she’s referring to Ricky, who exited to the other wing. You stare at her, aghast. You lean in close, lowering your voice, desperately holding on to your professionalism. 

“We have to go onstage, literally right now. I am not doing this with you right now.” 

“Huh,” she scoffs with a fake smile, “you’re one to talk.” You have approximately two seconds to look at her, baffled by everything she’s saying, before you have to go on. You enter, and hit your mark. At the cue, you and Seb begin to harmonize. Right as you do, your phone - tucked away in the wings - silently begins to buzz. Your phone lights up with a text from your mom, informing you that Gina’s flight has finally landed, and they’ll be at the theater any minute. 

You run off stage as Cellular Fusion wraps up, and Miss Jenn and Carlos are trying to figure out what to do about the Taylor dance break coming up. Kourtney has been doing great so far, but she doesn’t think she can handle choreography that complicated with so little time to rehearse.

“I could tell the pit to cut that section…” Carlos offers. You check your phone and your eyes light up, looking at the doorway. 

“Uh,” you start with a smile, “I don’t think that will be an issue…”

Miss Jenn, Carlos, and Kourtney look over at Gina, smiling timidly. 

“Oh, thank god,” Miss Jenn chokes out. She turns to Kourtney, then Gina. “You, go out there before you miss your cue. And you, quick change into something more 2006 before the dance break.”

They both agree, and a stagehand runs over with something for Gina to change into, guiding her to the dressing rooms. 

“Is he doing any better?” you ask Miss Jenn before you go on. You don’t have much time, but you need to know if he’s okay.

“A little,” she says, “I think.” You both know it’s better than nothing, and you’re just hoping whatever he’s doing keeps working. 

Stick to the Status Quo couldn’t be going any better. There’s so much happening, so much organized chaos, that he forgets about everything for a few wonderful minutes. There’s no time to think about that when he’s dancing on tables, begging his classmates not to sacrifice their individuality so they can fit in. It only gets better when you and Seb enter toward the end of the number. You look so genuinely pissed off that people are breaking free from the boxes they’ve been put in, and your voices sound perfect harmonizing together, reverberating through the auditorium.

He tries in vain to stop Zeke from giving you a cake, watching with bated breath as it smashes into your face. He turns away, just like he’s supposed to, but his eyes accidentally land on the one place in the audience he shouldn't be looking at.  His stomach plummets. Has she been on her phone this whole time? After running from everything this whole night, it finally gets the best of him. He can’t stand it any longer, running into the wings as you let out an ear shattering scream, loud enough to finally make her look up.

“Someone… is going… to pay for this!” you yell furiously, before the lights go down. The curtain draws to a close as applause thunders through the building. The lights in the house go up for intermission, and you hear a slow rise of chatter as people mill about and make conversation as you exit the stage. You grab a makeup wipe a stagehand has ready, thanking them as Natalie calls out that intermission is starting, and you have 20 minutes to places for act two.

“Thank you 20,” you call out distractedly, searching for Ricky. You run to the back, wiping the rest of the whipped cream off your face, and check the boys dressing room to see if he’s in there. He is, sitting in there by himself, seeming worse than before. One look at his face and you know something else happened.

“She was on her fucking phone the whole time!” he states in disbelief, “Like…” The words dry up as he holds a pillow in his lap in a death grip. 

“Oh my god…” you say, shaking your head. He’s not doing good, clearly. No one would be in his position. He pulls you in for a hug as soon as you’re close enough, one you reciprocate. He holds onto you tight, feeling just a little more stable as soon as you’re in his arms. Surrounded by your familiar grasp, it’s just a little easier to breathe, to think clearly. Unfortunately, it also means he has a much clearer grasp on everything that’s happened tonight and how it’s affecting him, how he feels about it. His dad is right behind you, and he lets go of you long enough to stand up and greet him. His dad pulls him into a hug, patting his back. 

“I’m so sorry, kid. I had no idea she was going to pull something like this.” Mike’s voice wavers, and when Ricky doesn’t answer, you know it’s because he’s choked up. Miss Jenn enters a moment later, walking over to Ricky and Mike. 

“The both of them have been removed from the premises.” She states. 

“Thank you,” Mike says earnestly. 

“Oh, it was nothing a little faked parking violation couldn't take care of,"  she says, earning a small smile from Mike. She turns to Ricky, continuing. “I filled you dad in on what’s been going on, too.” 

“Maybe we should just go home,” Mike offers, knowing he probably won’t want to. 

“No,” he protests, “I can do act two, I want to. Plus, if we leave now, she’ll know where we are and she’s going to ambush us again, and-” 

“The one place you’re guaranteed not to run into her is here at the theater.” you finish quietly. 

“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, motioning to you. Mike considers, weighing his options. Since she’s gone, if Ricky thinks he can handle it, he doesn’t see why he can’t do the second half of the show - especially since he seems to want to so badly. Maybe now isn’t the time to take that away from him, even if he means well.

“Okay,” he sighs. “But if anything happens, if you change your mind at all-”

“You’re the first to know.” Ricky agrees quickly. 

“I want you to stay plugged in with me, okay?” Mike says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Text me when you’re not onstage, let me know how you’re doing.” Ricky agrees again. Miss Jenn looks between them. 

“Alright. Well, in that case, Ricky, you should get changed for act two.” She says with a tentative smile. He nods. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys.” he says sincerely to his dad and Miss Jenn. Before you leave, you catch his eye.

“I’m going to refill my water, then I’ll be back here, okay?” 

“Sounds good." He says, "Hurry back,” he adds quickly, giving you that sweet look with those big puppy dog eyes, and it makes your chest squeeze. 

“Absolutely.” you agree. 

You barely leave the dressing room before you're met with Nina. She barges forward and stands in front of you, arms crossed, and you realize she's waiting for you to move out of the way so she can get into the boys' dressing room. You don't budge. 

“I need to talk to Ricky. I heard what happened, and I'm the only one who can convince him to go on for the second act, and I don’t need you-” 

“Wow,” you begin, cutting her off, once again amazed at her audacity, “now is really not a good time. Don’t go in there and stir things up.”  

She looks you up and down, letting out an indignant scoff. 

“Don’t act like you know him like that. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, I know him better than anyone.” 

You take in a deep breath, trying so hard to stay patient. 

“Sure. You know him better than anyone.” you say, in a pacifying tone, “So you should know the last thing he needs is more pressure on him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis, right?” The question is rhetorical, and you continue, patience with her finally starting to run thin. “If you actually care about him, then for the sake of his well being you’ll leave him alone and let him get through this. Now is really not the time, Nina, read the goddamn room!” 

The sentence is finished with an aggravated, humorless laugh. Your priorities right now are Ricky, and getting through opening night. You need to help him process some of the shit that's been happening tonight, make sure he’s okay, so he can perform like he wants to. The last thing he needs is Nina barging in there and telling him he’s letting the cast down, or that he’s not serious about theatre, and that he should have quit after auditions - all of which you’ve heard more times than you can count over the duration of rehearsals, even up to a few days ago. 

You’ve tried so hard to be patient with her, but dear god, she’s really starting to get on your last nerve - nevermind the fact that you have a special type of hatred for the kind of people like Nina, who shit on people that are still learning about something they have more experience in; like telling someone they’re not serious about theatre because it’s their first show, for example.

“Do not fuck with him right now.” you state, rolling your eyes at her shocked expression.

You push past her, walking over to the water fountain. She watches you walk away, mouth hanging open, and lets out an indignant scoff. You swear to god, if one more thing goes wrong tonight, if one more person tries you, you’re going to absolutely lose it. You take a few deep breaths as you fill up your bottle, trying to calm down and center yourself a little. Once you’re done, you start to walk back to the dressing rooms, but you’re stopped by a woman who is definitely not cast or crew. She sees you and approaches, seeming a little pissy. 

“I’m looking for Ricky Bowen?” she states. As she speaks, your stomach drops. 

You recognize her voice from when you heard it on the phone, and from the voicemail Ricky showed you over Thanksgiving. This is Lynne Bowen. As in, the Lynne Bowen. The one that left.  The same woman who’s made such a tactless and selfish decisions over and over that have ultimately caused her son to be on the verge of a breakdown just down the hall from where you’re standing right now. 

“You are not supposed to be back here.” you state, desperately trying to figure out how to handle this. You pull out your phone and text Miss Jenn, ‘code red, really need backup’.

“Can you just tell me where Ricky Bowen is? I’m his mother.” she says it in a way immediately expects sympathy from you, sympathy she doesn’t receive. You stare at her blankly, and she continues, much less kind than she’d been pretending to be. “I need to see my son, okay? Maybe when you’re a mother someday you’ll understand-”

You’re not sure what about her, about the way she’s talking to you specifically is the last straw for you, but your patience is already running so thin it’s practically transparent. Against your better judgment, you cut her off. 

“He does not want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak to you - or be anywhere near you right now, for the record - and you need to fucking respect that, okay?” you say decisively, offense written all over her face, “And you are really not allowed to be backstage if you’re not cast or crew, which you’re clearly not-” 

“You are way out of line, young lady!” she yells, “I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk. I’ll talk to him if I want to; I’m his mother.”  She adjusts her purse, clearly expecting you to fold, to tell her where he is. You know you should keep your mouth shut, you know you should be diplomatic and patient and professional like you always are, you should wait for Miss Jenn to handle this, but you’ve spent the past three months watching Ricky suffer because of this woman and her choices. You can’t stay quiet when the woman who hurt him is right in front of you. 

“I think you lost the right to pull that shit when you walked out the door and chose not to be in his life!” you snap, a dangerous smile on your face. The stunned look on her face is better than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s clear no one has ever tried to take her down a peg until now. 

“How dare-” 

“You gave him a free pass to hate you forever, because you’re not the parent who stayed! You didn’t try-” 

Your words lose momentum as you find yourself suddenly looking at the wall to your right, your cheek stinging. The sound of her slapping you across the face echos across the walls for a moment before fading away, and you freeze, tears prickling the corners of your eyes from shock.

“Listen here you little slut,” she says, much more ferocious than before. All facades of a concerned mother have melted away. “You have no right to talk to me like that-” 

“What the fuck?!” 

You snap out of it, and she turns around at Ricky’s voice at the end of the hall.

“Ricky, my baby,” she starts, walking toward him, but she’s thrown off at how distant he seems toward her. “I’m sorry you had to see that, this girl is so-” 

“Don’t ever talk about her like that again.” His voice is stone cold as he brushes past her, analyzing your expression closely to see if you’re alright. 

“Are you okay?” he asks, voice shaky.

“I’m fine,” you say as calmly as possible, “are you okay?” 

He’s decidedly not, but he tries to pull himself together. 

“If you are, that’s all that matters.” Behind him, growing impatient, Lynne takes a step forward.

“Ricky,” she demands. He takes a breath, and leans closer to you. 

“You should change for act two.” You look between them, wishing there was something else you could do, some way that you could make this better. You agree, stopping before you leave for your dressing room. 

“Text me if you need anything.” you say seriously, and he agrees, understanding the subtext of your words. Text you if he needs backup, or if it gets to be too much, because you’re there for him. Lynne moves toward him again. 

“Can we talk?” she says with a domineering tone to her voice, and you both know it’s not a question. You want to object, but all he wants is to get her away from you. He nods, indicating you should go, and you do - albeit, very reluctantly. He turns back to her. 

“Yeah,” he says seriously, “I think we need to.” 

She grabs his arm to lead him down another stretch of hallway, but he shakes her off immediately, walking a few feet in front of her. 

“Ricky, are you alright?” she demands, once they’re relatively out of earshot. She crosses her arms. “I was so worried about you when you ran offstage like that.” 

“I’m surprised you noticed.” he murmurs. She either ignores him or doesn’t hear. Regardless, she continues. 

“Why did you leave? Is it stage fright? Because a lot of people are counting on you, honey. You made a commitment to this-” 

“You’re one to talk about commitment,” he mutters, voice low, but loud enough to be heard. His impulse control is not at all where it should be, especially with how she just talked to you, what she called you.

“I’m sorry?” Lynne demands. She’s not used to Ricky yelling at her. She’s always had a lot of influence over him. He used to do everything she said, he’s always been such a mama’s boy until now. 

“I mean, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?” he snaps, “Did you even care that you ruined the only thing I’ve been able to count on in my life- I can never get this night back, Lynne. And now…” he trails off, trying so hard to regulate his emotions, even though he knows he’s out of control. He takes a shaky breath, trying with everything he has inside him to reign it back in a little. 

“...Why would you bring him to the show?” 

Lynne looks stunned at his question. 

“Wh-” she starts, “This is about Todd?”

“Why would you bring him here?” He demands, repeating himself.

“I…” she struggles for an answer, “wanted him to meet you.” she infuses as much guilt into her words as she can. He should feel bad for the way he’s speaking to her. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to throw you off.” 

It doesn’t work this time, and he refuses to back down, to fawn for her. He doesn’t buy it for a second.

“So you waited until I was suspended, mid air over a basketball hoop, for me to see you all… cozied up together? You didn’t think - not for one second - that might be just a little upsetting to me?!” 

“Ricky-”

“And what about dad, huh? How do you think he feels watching you feel each other up right in front of him?” tears brim in the corners of his eyes as everything he’s been suppressing all night, all these weeks and months finally breaks the surface. She lets out an indignant scoff and tries to say something, but he ignores her and keeps going. It’s an avalanche now, and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to. 

“He didn’t leave the couch for a week after you left!” he roars, remembering how hard it was to see his dad like that, to have to be the one to drag him out of it. 

“...I didn’t know that-”

“How could you?!” he laughs bitterly, "You weren't there!" He screams. He doesn't think it's ever felt better to say something than it does now. "You weren't there the whole time I was rehearsing, you weren't the one running lines and going over blocking, and teaching me how to listen for cues and do stage makeup and quick change! You weren't there for any of the work that went into this, and you just waltz in here with the newest guy you're screwing to your fucking son's musical like you've been here the whole time, but you havent!" He's never yelled at her like this, but a part of him thinks after how much she hurt him - and his dad - it's long overdue. "You don't get to enjoy this show, and you don't get to be around me, or dad, or anything we do because you walked out!"

"You are way out of line-" she starts, voice cracking. 

"No, you know what’s way out of line?" He demands, all too ready to throw her words back in her face. "Breaking my heart, breaking dad’s heart, then acting like everything is fine when it’s not!"

"You think I wanted to leave you?!" She screams back at him. 

"Yeah," he answers quickly, "I do, because you did! And you know what? I'm glad you left." He spits, watching the pain grow in her eyes, his words like venom. 

"All you do is hurt us." 

She blinks like she was just slapped. He takes a step forward, shaking, angry tears silently spilling from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is low and dead serious. 

"Don't call me anymore."

Before she can say anything, he starts to walk away. She calls out to him, desperate to get the last word in, to make him know how much pain his words have caused her. 

"You are really hurting me, Ricky." She says, voice shaking as she cries, "you're breaking your mother's heart."

The sound of his mother crying like that because of something he said should have wrecked him, but he pushes away any last remaining scraps of guilt his rage hasn't burned away yet. He turns back to her, no love in his eyes, and laughs bitterly.

"Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. You know, the one thing I got from you is the ability to ruin any relationship I have, so thanks for that, mom." He spits, turning to leave. She takes a step forward. 

"Don’t you walk away from me-"

"Like mother like son, huh?" He barks. With that, he's gone. He doesn't stick around for any more of her manipulation or guilt tactics. He just really, really needs to see you right now.

[girlwithakiwi]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

Tagged by @elder-flower

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

32 (20 are user-locked)

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

1,238,164

3. What fandoms do you write for?

For the past five years, it has been iterations of A Song of Ice and Fire (the book canon, Game of Thrones, and House of the Dragon). Prior to that, I've written fics for Sailor Moon, Gundam Wing, Kingdom Hearts, Fushigi Yuugi, High School Musical, RENT, The Dresden Files, Harry Potter, Glee, and BBC Sherlock.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

the gather, the bend, the bringing forth (Game of Thrones S8 canon divergence)

some nights the lighthouse, some nights the sea (transatlanticism) (Game of Thrones S7 canon divergence)

the silhouette of a single memory (Game of Thrones reincarnation AU)

all the ground beneath with tears and blood (Game of Thrones/The Vampires Diaries fusion)

where ruin also exists (A Song of Ice and Fire, post-ADWD)

5. Do you respond to comments?

I try to!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Even before I started writing in the ASOIAF fandom, I did tend to write bittersweet endings. Loss and grief is a fascinating frame of reference for an otherwise happy ending and I've always liked being able to write about those conflicting emotions. That said, it was probably never let me go.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Haha, lmao—this is definitely the silhouette of a single memory and its adjoining prompt ficlets.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

My canon divergent fics for Game of Thrones sometimes get the rare grumpy butt but honestly, I pay too much in taxes to be bothered by someone trying to be snide behind the anonymity of a computer screen.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Sure? I think my smut is pretty tame compared to a lot of stuff I read but I do write it.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

Yes, I've written plenty. Sailor Moon/Gundam Wing and Game of Thrones/The Vampire Diaries might be the craziest though, considering how ridiculously dissimilar the two canon sources are.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

the gather, the bend, the bringing forth has its beginning chapters translated into Russian here

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Yes and no. My old RP partner @lyrangalia and I used to email RP during slow days at work and through that was born the AMD and Silvered Lightning universes. But since these technically never started as fic, then it's kind of in that weird uncategorized space.

14. What’s your all time favourite ship?

All time? I'm not sure if I have a single one that takes the top spot. I've liked Tomberly (MMPR), Willabeth (POTC), Neal/Sara (White Collar), Parker/Eliot/Hardison (Leverage), and Jonerys (ASOIAF) but I love them all equally.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Hands down, Arcana. The reason I won't finish it is because I fell out of love with the source material (it didn't age well) and the author of said source material (he's kind of an asshole!). I do still love the character that this fic revolves around and it's removed enough from the source material that I could finish it but...

16. What are your writing strengths?

Characterization and dialogue, probably? Who knows.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Characterization and dialogue, lmao.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

Eh. It can be done and I've done it a few times honestly. I don't make a habit of it because it's just a bit of a headache to translate.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

Sailor Moon.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written?

Based on re-readability? a silhouette of a single memory and where ruin also exists

No pressure tags: @jellybeanficwriter @moondancer71 @zavocado @kiaxet @luthien-under-bough @calenlily

[acourtofthought]

“The Phoenix is a mythical Greek bird often referred to as a Firebird”

“Firebird (Classification) Firebirds, also called Phoenixes, come in many shapes and sizes, and can be found around the world.”

We can all copy and paste from online websites to prove a point.

As for the rest of your rant, I have no idea what you’re taking about. I left you one comment highlighting all the Lucien and Vassa hints, as I was interested in your POV, but your reply to me was irate and kinda rude (so I wrote a lengthy rebuttal in response - purely out of the merit of debating). I didn’t call you a high schooler, I have no idea where you got that from ?

And sure, this is your blog. But your blog doesn’t exist in a vacuum - you are posting your opinions on an online, public platform using hashtags, meaning that it will be seen by other tumblr users. I found your blog because of your anti-Vassien posts, stuff like this; “He and Jesminda were an inferno while Vassa would feel like a lukewarm bath in comparison.” (As if we even know anything about Jesminda?).

It seems like you post a lot of antagonistic stuff yourself (literally the top photo is mocking elriel shippers with a juvenile buzz light year gif, saying there’s “no sign of intelligent life” lmao). A quick scroll shows that you’re not afraid to enter the spaces of other ships and reply to their stuff, telling them how they’re wrong (despite you saying in your recent reply to me, that you don’t see the point in debating with people who have opposing ships to you ???)

And tbh the fact that you’re confusing me with someone else who is calling you a highschooler, or whatever else - speaks to this. If your blog was purely pro-elucien content, and people came into your asks just to shit on elucien - that makes them the assholes. But if you’re posting stuff publicly that shits on other people’s ships (as you do), as much as it’s your right to do so, you can surely expect people to take issue with what you’re saying, and debate you on it. Which again, is literally what you do to other people.

I’m not “angry” at your blog - you’re just getting back the same energy that you put out.

You can copy and paste all you'd like from the internet however, Vassa is not a phoenix so in this case your selection isn't valid.

Firebirds belong to Russian / Slavic folklore while Phoenix belongs to many cultures. To proclaim they are one in the same means you're trying to lump all cultures into one.

You're searching for any possible way to try and tie your Lucien / Vassa theory belonging in Day together while ignoring what we know of her curse.

The fairytale revolves around Koschei and the FIREBIRD. Which is not ever noted as Koschei and the Phoenix.

She was cursed and wants to break the spell. What about what she's going through makes you believe she wants to continue turning into a bird and requires the sunshine of Day to do so?

Energy I'm putting out there? You mean the energy I share with my followers under the Elucien, Anti E/riel tags? The energy where I'm not seeking out E/riel or Vassien fans and starting arguments with them? You saw my posts in the Anti Vassien tag yet you thought it would be a great idea to start an argument? Because you're triggered by my stance? Are you saying I'm not allowed to think "Lucien and Vassa would have lukewarm chemistry?"

As far as the intelligent life post, did you happen to note who it was aimed at? Was it everyone who shipped E/riel or was it at Anti Lucien's who eviscerate him because he had never even met Elain but wanted to meet her once to know if he should try to fight for her while she was in love and engaged to someone else? Then those same people turn around and ridicule Elucien's for shipping them. So yeah again, people that throw the first insults are going to find that their targets fight back.

You and I are not the same because again, I am sharing my content under the correct tag letting people know which side I fall on and am not baiting people or entering their blogs to start things. My mutuals and I deserve to address the bullying and flat out twisting of facts that occur in this fandom in a space that was created using proper tags.

YOU are the one actively searching out accounts that you don't agree with and hiding your identity while trying to start something. And it's interesting you claim you're not the Anon from earlier yet I have never received Vassien shipper anons back to back on the same day. In fact it's rare that I have any Vassien shippers message me 🤔

[chaos0pikachu]

tldr: I disagree that mxtx was trying to say “bad actions make bad people” and more “society is the real bad guy” 

[pic of the tags I’m responding to under the cut so user doesn’t feel attacked lmao]

I ain’t gonna put this person on blast by like showing their name or anything or even tagging this post but I fundamentally disagree lol

like, firstly I don’t think this is even what that passage in SVSSS was referring to. It’s a meta-commentary on how when an antagonist is layered, and complex, fans get cranky as fuck b/c they want simple, clean, and morally simplistic b/c it’s easier text to engage with. If a character does bad things but is sympathetic in some way fans get cranky and flame wars start racking up. It’s actually kinda cool to know this is a global fan issue lmao

second, like what I get from MXTX’s novels isn’t “these people are bad actually, and you shouldn’t excuse their actions” but rather “these people made horrible choices, but what societal and structural oppression and problems contributed to those choices?” 

like, the tragedy in MXTX’s work is - from my reading - society failed these characters and thus the cycle of harm continues on. Example, what would Shen Jiu’s life had been like if he wasn’t sold into child slavery, and horribly, horrifically abused his entire formative years? If he hadn’t been subjected to the whims of powerful people (by class, classism is such a recurring theme in MXTX’s work)? Would he still have been as resentful? As harmful? As abusive? We’ll never know but it’s something to ponder and part of the tragedy of his life. Could he have been a better person if he was treated as a human being? If society didn’t deem him lesser than and the cycle of violence didn’t continue but was instead broken?

XY is another example, he was a child who was mistreated not just by the powerful adult cultivators, but by enablers surrounding him. No one offered a helping hand to a hurt child, and no one held the adult who hurt him to justice. He had no recourse for justice even b/c of his position in society. Now, does this “excuse” him of killing the entire sect? No. But that’s why cycles are so hard to break. Why systemic issues are so hard to address b/c their are no easy answers for them and require systematic change.  

WWX did try to be a good person - and the world killed him for it. 

That’s the point - again for me anyway. WWX, save for some super violent war crimes, did what he thought was right and it bucked against the status quo. The system in place. JGY did not kill WWX, neither did XY. Hell, JGS didn’t kill WWX. The cultivation society as a whole enabled the mistreatment of the Wen refugees (including “righteous” characters like NMJ!!), their continued mistreatment, enabled the Jin’s power grab, enabled JGS Harvey Wienstien-ing it all over the cultivation world, enabled the siege that lead to WWX death and the death of all the surviving Wens, and willingly murdered WN and WQ. 

It is far to easy to simply look at the novel and say “yes, JGS, JGY, and XY are Bad People and therefore the Root of All the Evil”. JGS is most certainly a Bad Person dude was a full on rapist. But the society surrounding him enabled that behavior, they looked away, they didn’t confront him, they saw his behavior and turned their heads and said “not my problem”. Sure they judged him, but no one every questioned him, the Jin’s, or the system until WWX. And then WWX was killed for it. 

It’s why in the end, what is WWX’s happy ending? Riding off into the sunset with his husband away from cultivation society. Sure they make Cloud Recesses their home base, but they are no longer an active part in the politics, they decided to play no part in the society as a whole. Which uses, abuses, and hurts people they deem “lower class”: poor people, non-cultivators, servants, sex workers, etc. 

Often when people think “justice” they associate it with “punishment” which is something activists are trying to combat (speaking from an entirely American POV here) with “restorative justice”. MXTX doesn’t really give an easy answer to the societal issues she brings up in her novels, if anything the only “answer” she provides is “removed yourself from it” in the cases of MaimMaim and WWX/LZ. But I implore people to look into restorative justice, and more community/societal based thinking rather than individual and punishment based thinking. 

also tapping in one of the MDZA experts I know, @thatswhatsushesaid​ in case I got any book shit wrong lmao 

anyway here’s the tags I’m responding to that gave me Thoughts:

[avasillva]

so im still new to giffing and tagging still confuses me. how do i know who to tag and how do i tag other users? any tips? thank you and i love your wn gifs! xx

hello anon and welcome to the wonderful? world of giffing! has coloring gifs driven you a bit crazy yet? answer under the cut since this got a bit long aslkdjghdg

about tagging –

search whatever show/film/fandom you're creating for (or even a specific character). for example: warrior nun (since you mentioned it). you can search for #warrior nun or #warriornunedit. there, you’ll find source blogs and users who are creating content for the show

use tracking tags. to tag specific source blogs or users, check their ‘tracking’ tags. using WN as an example again, there’s a source blog called @/warriornungifs and they are tracking the tags: #warriornunedit and #wngifs. active users and source blogs regularly check their tracking tag and reblog all posts / add it to their queue

same goes for users – just look up the user you want to tag and check if they have a tracking tag. not sure if they’ll reblog your creations? look at what they usually create/reblog and go from there (oh, and check if they ask to NOT be tagged in specific things). personally i track #tuserlyn and reblog all content i've been tagged in. note: some users prefer you follow them before you tag them, some don't. personally i dont mind whether you follow me or not lol. i love seeing everyone’s creations, no matter the fandom! just.. please dont tag me in clown stuff. and i mean literal clowns. its triggering for me lkasjshf

remember: only the first 20 tags show up in results. anyone you tag from the 21st onwards wont see them. also, if you have wayyy too many or really long tags, tendency is your entire post wont show up in results either (i once wrote an entire essay for ava silva in my tags and it hid my post from the warriornunedit tag lmao)

so what i usually do is: first 19 tags are source blogs + other users and the 20th tag is my personal tag. note: a personal tag (i.e. #myedit) is different from a tracking tag. basically, a personal tag is just an index of all my stuff and it helps me keep track of all edits i make on my blog. again, if this fell on the 21st tag onwards, my post wont show up under that tag. all my other thoughts/commentary go on the 21st tag onwards lol

make your own tracking tag! if you want other creators to tag you in their work, make sure to create your own tracking tag. put yourself out there, share your creations, and people will eventually find you :)

i hope this made sense, anon! enjoy giffing and please watch out for gif reposters as they seem to have increased lately. and i'm glad you're enjoying my wn gifs 💜💜💜

[youraverageaemondsimp]

Please can you tag self insert posts with general "reader insert" "reader imagine" or "self insert" tags? I assure you that people going to the general fandom tags, like the show tag or Bucky Barnes, Steve Harrington, Daredevil, Aemon (or any of your tens of Targaryens), Frank Castle etc. tag really aren't looking for your personal masturbation fantasies

And I can PROMISE you that the users wanting to see reader inserts will 100% look up the specific Bucky Barnes x reader, Steve Harrington x reader, Aemon Targaryen x reader, Frank Castle x reader etc. tag which they want. Not tagging it what it is (reader insert) with any kind of a general reader insert tag is making fandom impossible for the rest of us and ends up with people unfortunately blocking so many of you writers because you don't tag your fics in a way that helps other people filtering them

Hello! I've already tagged my fics with relevant tags like “Aemond Targaryen x Reader" Multiple times (if you actually looked through the tags lmao.), if you have that tag blocked, none of the fics by other authors will show up unless tumblr is glitched. <3

Which only leaves blocking the writer out and trust me, we do not mind it. I only tag the general fandom tags out of habit from wattpad to reach the algorithm, but I'll keep in mind not to do it anymore.

But the way this is so passive aggressive is mind blowing to me, you're making it seem like all the writers (who are contributing to the fandom just like many other artists, theorists, etc) are single handedly ruining everyone's experience.

You curate your own experience online, I know it would be a bulk job to block all the writers who tag 'incorrectly' but it's just what you have to do when tumblr's filtering system sometimes screws up, and I can ASSURE YOU many writers already tag their fics with the reader insert tag, but sometimes also general tags for algorithm reach (if they're from wattpad or ao3 out of habit or just in general) however they would not show up if you had the x reader tag blocked already.

But even if it did show up regardless, you could simply just scroll up and IGNORE it, it's not like they're clustering up considering there are many posts which are posted under general tags lmao, it is simply just your fingering swiping up to ignore the post, like yeah sure whatever.

ANYWAY, Have a nice day, and PLEASE FEEL FREE to block me 🤍

[purplefnafpasta]

Introduction

Aka, I finally realized that i didn't make an intro yet, so I'll make one now. (Below the cut because I dunno how long this will get)

Gonna put the DNI above the cut though:

Anyone under 16 DNI thanks.

(Also, here is my ToS with an extrended DNI, as well as any other thing you may possibly need to know about usage of my art, designs or fanart, etc)

A little about me:

Hello! My name is Sam. However, I also commonly go by Wolf or Purple online. I am 19 years old, and I am a hobby artist. I don't really do art with the thought in mind to get big and popular with it. I would rather just make art for myself and then post it online for anyone who is willing to look at it.

I am mostly active on Toyhou.se or Discord. However, if you don't have either of those, then I am most likely to be reached on Tumblr. Here are my other socials, though, for anyone interested.

Username origin:

I came up with my username at around 2020.

Purple = one of my fave colors (i have 3 fave colors, purple, brown, and black. However, purple was the one that sounded the best when trying to pronounce my whole username)

FNaF = fave game at the time (still fave franchise, though I prefer Hollow Knight as of right now)

Pasta = my favorite dish at the time (by now, it's ramen)

Nickname Origins:

Sam = is my name, not a nickname lmao

Purple = because people commonly use that for a short version of my user (who tf would wanna say/write my whole username, anytime I am mentioned in a convo, lmao)

Wolf = I can't actually remember where that nickname comes from. I just know that at some point, I always got called Wolf (mostly on Discord), so I just ran with it, i suppose. My best guess is that it happened because my fursona is a wolf.

What kind of art I'll post:

I am by heart an OC artist, meaning I draw and post mostly my own OCs, or art I made of someone else's OC(s). I rarely ever draw fanart, but who knows, maybe ya'll will catch me do some fanart (on rare occasions).

I usually draw animals (anthro and feral). However, recently, i have been attempting to draw more human/oids to better my art skilly for those as well.

I may also draw my spin on what the Warrior Cats look like. Because why not, I love the book series. (meaning i won't stick to drawing realistic cats, since i just design em what i vibe with, but i'd explain that in detail in my first warrior cats design that i'd post)

I may attempt drawing some more complex/detailed chars (like robots or smth). However, i also aren't too great with that, so please bear with me and my (slow) learning progress. (Yes, I am a slow learner)

What can you DM/PM me for?:

Commissions (if they are open, however I prefer taking that to discord after the initial DM where you ask to commission me!)

Trades (if they are open)

Asking for toyhou.se invite codes (if i still have some left, which I do currently btw. please use the codes i send you within 48 hours, or i'll give it to the next person who asks, i don't wanna have to wait months for someone to just make an account- i can see when a code is used and when not btw!)

Asking me about my art or my ocs (be aware that I easily drift off and start to rant though, lmao)

What should you not DM/PM me for?:

Touhou.se coding issues. I give away invite codes. I have absolutely 0 clue how to code, so I can't help with that, you can check in Toyhou.se forums for help though, I am sure there are quite a few who are willing to help you!

Asking me to message someone who had blocked you for you. (I am sure the person who had blocked you had their reason, and I do not feel comfortable acting as an extension for you to message someone who blocked you.)

Venting/ ranting about something. Just do not, please. The only exception is, if I know you already.

Can I send you an ask?

Yeah, go for it. I just can't promise when I'll see it.

How can we find your art easier between all of the reblogs you make?

I will try to implement the "PurpleFNaFpasta's art" tag to all of my art pieces, so if you wanna find my art between the reblogs, you should be able to find them with that (hopefully).

[Edit from March 18th 2024]: i have also implemented a new tag as well, if you are looking for random funfacts about my oc's, this tag is where you will find them: "Purple's Random OC Funfacts" [Edit from September 16th 2024]: Changed my age from 18 to 19 in my intro lol. Birthday moment xd

[ohvu]

chapter one — I'm under your bed

wc: 304 ,, warnings pledis slander ig, curses, lowercase intended (written) ,, notes. set pre girls planet era . not proof read

standing in front of the director’s office, you took deep breaths contemplating whether to do it or not. “fuck this, I’m already here anyways”

knocking on the door, you waited for him to reply. finally hearing the ‘come in’ you took a deep breath before entering.

‘ah yn, what brings you here’ the ceo ushered you to sit down after greeting him.

‘well, I heard mnet is hosting another survival show. I was hoping if you would allow me, I’d like to participate and audition’

‘hm, may I ask why?’

hearing this, you also wondered why. you’re one of the trainees that exceeded the trainers’ expectations whenever they held trainee evaluations. you were sure that you would be a member if they're preparing a debut team, what urged you to take a risk?

‘I actually don’t know myself. I know I’ve been training for quite a while now but recently, I started thinking if being an idol is really the correct path for me? especially now that I’m reaching my twenties.’

‘I wanted to audition, to maybe find a reason why I should continue this path that I’ve been taking for so long. I wanted to find that passion that I lacked recently.’

‘i see’ he held his hands together looking down, thinking. ‘are you sure about this?’ he questioned.

‘positive’ you nodded, sighing after.

‘well then, you have my support. you have my permission, I hope you find what you’re looking for through the show.’ he nodded, offering his hands to shake it with yours.

‘thank you sir’ you shook his hands and bowed.

‘you may leave now, training hours are starting soon.’ he sat back down, motioning the door.

‘ah yes, I’ll get going. thank you again’ you bowed one last time, watching him dial someone before leaving the room.

error. erase the first 'to' on the second pic + intensions* on the last pic

mstrlst | prev – next

SYNOPSIS. debuting was a dream of yours, the problem was pledis doesn't have any plans on debuting a girl group soon. joining a survival show was your last chance, thus, you took it in hopes of debuting. now that you’ve achieved it, you promised yourself to not let anything hinder you while promoting. fate, however, had other plans. bumping into your senior slash label mates was a normal occurrence, but being them interested in a junior slash label mate wasn't. oh, how fate wanted to spice up things.

a/n. surprise surprise fdjhdf (early) first chapter 😵😵😵. lmao I was scared posting this but oh well . I'll only update once a week until schools over, I hope your okay w that 😓😓 this chapter gives off a bit of yn personality I think??? bffs can some of yall lend ur users ? ill tag you when I do use it 😧😧

taglist. @ikasaeki @wony6ung @pitchblacksmile @yenart @lunaflvms @1-800-lixie @enloveclub @strawbrinkofdeath @rich-man-v @moon-lys @prettywon @luvarots @mitsukifilms @soobcheek @keewho @jjhmk @strwbrymlkes @bigtoewinwin @nshrkilvbt @arizejkt19 (send an ask to be added + lmk if the tags doesn't work)

© 95trivia. all rights reserved

[autumn-foxfire]

The whole thing about Toorus cover has already been frustrating enough but whats even worse is the amount of ppl that had come out of woodwork to yell 'its not even the first time he sexualized a minor!!!' or 'this is shonen what did you expect??? Other mangaka do it too'

Like you understand that first is just worse and second is no excuse. Like yeah Hori probs wont see any of the outrage and that cover will sell like hotcakes but these are still important conversations to have in fandom about the standards of the way women are treated in manga. Like why no try to build a mood in fandom where mangaka are held to higher expectations instead of just giving up cuz 'its shonen standard'. Drawing cute girls for teen boys to swoon over is one thing, putting an almost completely naked minor on the cover of ur very popular (and publicly sold like i cant imagine how this will look on BOOKSTORE SHELVES) is another. I also see many ppl bitch about like 'oh ppl who complain the most are those who write explicit bakudeku smut' which like, wild conclusion to some to and probably not true but also i think ppl have to understand that influence of a random fic writer in a fandom (even if a popular one) is Very different from influence of a popular mangaka whos work influences the fandom culture anyway. Like there will be ppl who write freaky shit in every fandom but the mangaka very much sets up the bar there i feel.

Like, Witch Hat Atelier is extremly non sexual manga (aside from Qifrey whos sad and wet) and the only sexual content ive encountered for it was between the two adults in it. There IS a creator there that draws minor x adult explicit stuff (as i said freaks in every fandom) but the only reason i know of them is cuz there were warnings from other users like 'hey this person is posting yxz art tagged under the main manga tag, it can be p upseting so make sure to block them!' its a whole different climate for real.

Uhhhh long story short like ppl are allowed to discuss weird stuff a mangaka pulls, thats good for the fandom, why is everyone on twitter so damn ready for this to be their hill to die on lmao all ppl are saying is 'wow pretty gross for Hori to put a naked teenager on the cover' hows that controversial

....long time no rant at foxy i hope i made sense

I completely agree with you, Lucy and I'm mad that the attitude in fandom a lot of the time is "well there's nothing you can do about it so why complain?"

Why aren't we allowed to hold Mangaka, grown men, accountable for the shit they draw and sell to a wide audience. Why can't I be upset that yet again a female body is being exploited by a grown man for sales.

Yes, she's fictional but that's not the issue! It's an issue that it's okay just because she's female and this has been normalized! Imagine the outrage in public that would have caused if it was Deku in such a pose?! It probably wouldn't be allowed to be printed, let alone on the cover of such a popular magazine that is sold to young boys.

It's because people brush it off that it's everywhere that NOTHING WILL CHANGE. Yes, my voice will probably go unheard regardless but at least I'm saying something about it, at least I'm supporting people who are also upset that their bodies are used like this. It's better than ignoring it and the people hurt by Hori's choice (which you'll notice are mostly females).

And the argument that fandom creates content just as bad is null. Firstly, a fandom creator who barely gets over 100 views most of the time will NEVER carry the same influence that a man who draws in over 10s of 1000s. Not to mention, it's deflecting the issue. We're not talking about the creation of porn, we're talking about how Hori has exploited the female body, using a character of his that is a minor, for profit as representation for his work.

My question is WHAT DOES THIS COVER DO. It doesn't represent Hagakure as a character nor it doesn't represent his story of heroism. It exists just for people to, frankly, jerk off over. As a fan of BNHA, I don't want what was once one of my favourite stories represented in such a way! I don't want a character to be reduced to this!

If Hori wanted to draw sexy females for young males, he should have created an ecchi manga, not a shonen one. At least then I wouldn't have to see this bullshit with my own eyes and have it supposed to represent something I used to love.

I'm upset as a female because I'm tired of shonen artists getting away with using girls like this, especially teenage girls.

[alkalinefrog]

may I request your top 10 favorie lawlight fics ?? I’m really interested

AIGHT BUCKLE UP BUTTERCUP because I’ve got a lot of feelings about these! Also, people have been asking me for fics featuring:

Ryuk shenanigans

yagami sibling hijinks

whammy kids found family

----- from my bingo card I made a while back. Tbh, I put those on the list to try and manifest the energy into the universe hoping people would bring fics to ME about them lmao. I do have a couple that check the boxes though! 

Also thank you to everyone who’s been recommending me fics!! You’ve all hit the nail on the head and sing straight to my heart! I’m just slow to make my way through them between work. <3

GOING UNDER THE CUT (rip mobile users)

Aight here we go, in no particular order:

“Change OR the one where L and Light get married” by @translightyagami (I’m so sorry I keep tagging you in these alsfjkalsfdj)

The one I never shut up about and am adapting part of into a comic because it’s just that GOOD. :’’’D Light and L get married in front of Watari and Light’s family back at the Whammy orphanage in England. A melancholy yet painfully sweet tale as Light and L reminisce on their history together while getting ready for the ceremony, and their first night together afterwards. Single-handedly sold me on Kira being intrinsically part of Light to boot.

“the forest holds strange creatures” by @translightyagami (I’m sorryyyyyyy I just love your stuff)

An AU where Light’s a paranormal researcher and L’s a reclusive cryptid living in the forest next to a small town. The writing has a fairytale feel to it, and the romance is so gentle. Light’s bunking at Whammy’s small little house, and Near and Mello are there as little kids pestering Light. It’s ADORABLE. Beyond Birthday also shows up in one of the extra chapters as a creepy cashier at a thrift shop for double the fun!

"Sickness” by BlueberryValentine (more fics on their fanfiction.net account!)

The ultimate hurt/comfort + fluff + angst with a happy ending fic. The first fic I read to get back into lawlight a couple months back! Canon divergence starting during the Yotsuba arc. Light is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer while still under investigation. L has to take care of him, and somewhere along the way they fall in love. It carved out a chunk of my heart but luckily filled it back up with a sweet sort of aching.

“Seeking His Hand” by magic__mind

Historical regency AU! L is a rich nobleman courting Light, a humble farm boy, for his hand in marriage. One of the most romantic pieces of literature that I have ever come across. The prose is pure poetry, and their love so pure! This one also has a special place in my heart for its portrayal of Misa! She’s A)a spy who helps L on his cases, B)totally removed from her co-dependence for Light, C)the  bubbly badass she was always meant to be. 100/10 worth the read!

The “Resurrections” Series by Shadow_of_Quill

A modern Orpheus and Euridice story, wherein Light’s spirit leads L back from Hades while he’s still Kira. L is thereby present for the confrontation at the warehouse. Believing that any trace of Light is lost in the man, he executes him right then and there. However, this was a grave mistake, and Light’s soul won’t be as easily revived. (spoilers, they’re both fine in the end) ******* THIS ONE ALSO INCLUDES YAGAMI SIBLING HIJINKS. Sayu plays a HUGE role in bringing Light back!

“Is This The Way It Ends Now?” by Seastar98

The one that checks off ALL the above three boxes!! A “characters watch their own show” fic, wherein the gang receives a mysterious DVD in the middle of the Yotsuba arc. Horrified by what’s to come, Light and L work to make sure their future is brighter than the one they witness. They bring in all three heirs to watch with ‘em, everyone gets character development, and Sayu comes in like black panther in endgame yet again to bring Light back from the darkness! Ryuk pops up in the end and the epilogue and he’s great. The ultimate and most direct fix-it you’re ever gonna get.

“From the Same Star” by Nilahxapiel

This is my only pure “Ryuk Shenanigans” fic, and it’s really really sad :’’’D A short but sweet one-shot wherein Ryuk traverses multiple dimensions, dropping the Death Note at Light’s feet each time. Light and L were always fated to clash, and it’s just as heartbreaking every time. 

“Primitive Liars” by Nilahxapiel

This one’s super popular in the fandom for a reason! The only omegaverse fic that I’ve liked! The A/B/O dynamics and their affect on society are super well developed, and the writer manages to keep L and Light very in character while still developing their budding romance in a believable way. This is an AU where somebody else is Kira, and Light’s genuinely helping L and the task force hunt him down. ***** Naomi Misora lives, the heirs come in, and Sayu actually hops aboard the task force!!! DUDE. BRILLIANT. I also just love the exploration of gender and identity that the author weaves in. Lots of LGBTQ rep!

“and indeed there will be time” by lawlietismyfavorite

The ultimate soulmate AU. People grow to be 18, then stop aging until they meet their one. L is the greatest detective of not only this century, but of six centuries. And then there's Light. (taken straight from the description!) The prose is absolutely breathtaking; like walking through a dream. Can not recommend this fic enough! It’s got my head up in the clouds and looking towards the stars!

“K” by  Dlvvanzor

AU where Light’s a Whammy with the moniker ‘K.’ He and L grow up together along with kiddos covering the rest of the alphabet. A murder-mystery-thriller on top of the romance featuring Beyond Birthday as a main character! Light’s a pathological liar and L’s super into it. They’re the top students at Whammy’s and are tasked with solving a string of homicides happening RIGHT AT THE ORPHANAGE (guess who dunnit). It had me on the edge of my seat, and I binged the whole thing in two days.

i’mMMMM doing more than 10, this’ll just be my ultimate fic rec post 😂

“Change of Circumstances” by wordbombs

Another AU where Light’s a whammy! It’s just a one-shot though, but one of my all time faves!!! I’ve gone back and reread it so many times and drew some stuff for it a couple weeks back. Much more light-hearted than “K”, Light arrives at the orphanage at age four and meets an eleven year old L, and from there they grow up together and fall in love (the age difference is handled really well, L’s not physically present for a lot of Light’s childhood and they bond on a platonic level first). It’s one of the healthiest relationship dynamics that I’ve seen for these two, which is honestly such a breath of fresh air. Matt, Mello, and Near are there too in the background!

“Dial K for Kira” by @kiranatrix

“Light needs some easy money to finance his Kira plans, and notices there’s a big demand for Kira roleplay phone sex. So he figures, “Why not? Pretty sure I’ll be convincing.”He raises some fast cash and plans to shut the whole thing down and get back to writing names, until he gets a request from somebody who wants to “roleplay” as L....“

Taken straight from the description! It’s very VERY NSFW so be warned. I’m too shy to talk about it more alskfjdasldjf sorry BUT IT’S GREAT.

“Dance with Me” and “Birthday Note” by @dotti55fanfiction

These are both one-shots so I’m putting ‘em together! Absolutely adorable tooth-rotting fluff!! “Dance with Me” has Light and L going to a club, while “Birthday Note” features L trying to think of the best present for Light. The dictionary definition of “warm fuzzies.” (Dotti ilu, I still gotta find time to read your longer works)

“you’re a wasp nest” by  raisuki (inthegripofahurricane)

Blind!Light AU! Light and L are both college students who meet when Sayu dares L to break into her house. Yagami sibling hijinksssss! Their quippy dialogue is adorable and it’s just a fun time watching them flirt.

“softly now” by smallestbird (jenwryn)

THANK YOU TO THE ANON WHO SENT ME THIS REC. The softest lawlight one-shot to finish off this list! Light and L share an intimate moment while painting their new apartment. The absolute JOY this fic radiates in a short 700 words!! Read it before bed for the sweetest dreams!

These are just my favourites, but read anything by any of these authors and you will not be disappointed! I might make a separate post later for soulmate AUs because... There’s just too many. :’D

-Alka

[notepadsandtealeaves]

Dick Grayson x GN!Reader in: So Kiss Me~, Pt. 1

12 Days of Batmas || Day 9—Kissing Under the Mistletoe

↞ previous: movie nights with the (bat)boys™ pt. 1 || watching holiday specials

|| ao3 version | 12 days m.list | batboys tag | main blog ||

|| dames day 9 | jay day 9 | tim day 9 || ((links pending))

Ofc he knows that he doesn’t need an excuse to kiss you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna take it lol.

Mistletoe, mistletoe everywhere…

↠ Requested By: No one, technically ((but given the fact that I’ve been working on this series since last year I’m sure you’re all ready for me to wrap this ish up lmao)) ↠ Reader Gender: Neutral ↠ Content Type: SFW fluff ((but my blog’s 18+ so if minors want to consume my sfw stuff while still respecting my wishes of them staying out of this space, they can head over to my AO3)) ↠ CWs/TWs: None ↠ Betas? Nah, we don’t do that here. ↠ Total WC: 400~

Post’s title comes from this bop ((nobody look at me, I’m mentally regressing to a time before the shit show that is the 2020s lmao))

Another set of HCs, but this time around they’re even shorter lmao. Sorry about it folks, but my brain’s already checked out of this shitshow of a year if I’m being completely honest lol. But begardless of the length, I hope you all can still get a bit of enjoyment out of this!

Headcanon || WC: 400~

🌟 Unsurprisingly he’s super into it lol.

Dick’s one of those people who flows in all love languages, but his top two are acts of service/gift giving (I know those are separate, but with him they kinda mesh together) and physical affection.

Because of this he has a hard time keeping his hands off of you. Naturally this doesn’t always translate as intimate in the spicy way; sometimes he just wants to hold and be held, to feel the warmth of your skin under his fingertips, the pant of your breath against his neck, the beat of your heart against his ear.

All of this proof that you’re here, together, safe and sound, a thing that he needs to be reassured about more often than he cares to admit to, honestly.

More angsty reasons aside, he loves the hell out of you and thinks you’re just the cutest thing to ever ever so it’s not exactly surprising that he’s the type to constantly want to love on you.

Lots of casual touches all day, every day, ranging from chaste forehead kisses to impromptu cuddle sessions (usually initiated by him flopping down on top of you and burrowing into your warmth lol), so naturally this holiday tradition fits right in with his vibes.

🌟 Ofc he knows that he doesn’t need an excuse to kiss you, but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna take it lol.

He has definitely posted little sprigs of the stuff in every doorway/hall your home possesses before proceeding to follow you around for his free smooches.

He’s also the type of nerd that’ll get one of those doofy headbands with the mistletoe attached, and then proceed to use his height advantage for all it’s worth.

You taller than him? Not a problem! He’s a Grayson, remember, and a Bat besides, so he’ll get on some good Spiderman shit if that’s what it takes lmao.

((ugh, he’s so damn extra—I love it))

Another one that’s not at all shy about PDA, so expect to be kissed breathless the minute he catches you under the sprig. He won’t take things too far, but by the time he’s done your cheeks are gonna be on fire because goddamn does this man have a kiss on him.

Even when it’s just a peck it’s like weirdly enticing? Maybe it’s just his natural charisma mixing in with the ridiculously high levels of attraction that you have for him that does it, but either way you’ll always find yourself chasing after his lips, and he’s always, always willing to oblige…

🌟 Up Next: Day Ten || Holiday Party ((check back tomorrow!!))

Taglist is open, but to 18+ users only.

© notepadsandtealeaves, 2021 || Please do not repost, translate, or otherwise alter or distribute my works without my express permission. And for the love of god keep it away from Youtube and TikTok lol...

[imalsorettish]

Last song: i have no idea how to tag it here but another tumblr user posted 10 minutes of them just slammin these damn piano keys and i am really enjoying it. good crafting music thanks.

Fav colour: Yellow. Dandelion yellow. Yellow like a buttercup under your chin. Fireflies. The way sunlight feels. Yellow that hurts your eyes but you like it and the only reason you stop is so you dont go blind from how bright and fucking awesome it is. But also blue. i like blue too. U get me.

currently watching: the time go by. I havent been able to sit down and enjoy anything of media lately. Not sure whats up. I think im practicing just being alive and being sober and im really into that at the moment. But its okay. Theres always a movie playing in my head and its often pcap lmfao. Cant bring myself to rewatch rn, especially because his seasons make me so sad for the characters.

sweet/savory/spicy: WHERE IS SOUR???? WHERE IS SOUR ????!!!!! I USED TO STEAL LEMONS OFF MY NEIGHBOURS TREES WHEN I WOULD WALK HOME IN MIDDLE SCHOOL AND JUST FUCKING EAT THEM LIKE A COMPLETE FREAK. WHERE IS SOUR LMAO. Spicy.

currently playing: town of salem usually. But i also play lethal company with my friends. Weve all been really busy lately and im cool with that. We still talk and things are good. So i scream at people in this shitty dying game when i need the extra stimulation lmfao. This is considered normal.

current obsession: the joys of living. but tomorrow itll probably be a cocky, sort of dangerous, weird man again. Preferrably one im already into, to spare me the effort lmfao. Im tired! My next obsession should really be sleep!

I dont have anyone to tag, but i wanted you to know this was a joy to get in my notifications and id welcome another one if you ever get the chance. thank you friend.

9 people I want to get to know better

(Done this before but answers are subject to change, so why not)

(Tagged by @bobcatblahs - thank youu!)

Last song: Le fac de lettres - Jacqueline Taïeb (catchy AF)

Fav color: This hasn't changed since last time, it's still that warm thing between yellow and orange, which I unironically call yellorange in my daily life but which google has also informed me can be referred to as "amber". Essentially, my favourite colour is anything that can be found on this stripe:

Currently watching: Doctor Who and a variety of stuff Peter Capaldi has been in

Sweet/savory/spicy: they all hit the spot depending on the mood but, yeah, sweet, probably.

Currently playing: Don't really play. Except Gardenscapes or Minesweeper or something, usually when I have to listen to something, it helps me focus.

Current obsession: Peter Capaldi 🧡

alright, tagging: @snugsunresplendence (been a while, I know we've done this though), @nastasya--filippovna, @a-singing-lunatic (yeah, I tagged you both last time, I REMEMBER), @artisticautisticstuff, @imalsorettish, @nisabaismymistress-blog, @queenlovett , @omnishambolic, @millerdoc, @marthajonesurastar, ehh, imma stop here, or I'm gonna tag every single mutual I've interacted with in the past year and this is going to be a wall of tags, I love you all 🧡