#not sure if there are food triggers I'm missing or if it's just a combination of stress and sleep and other environmental issues

[sensitiveheartless]

Hullo!! Just wanted to give a belated thank you for all the well wishes, I really appreciate them all :'D I definitely seem to be on the mend! I've been having an...interesting health time this year, but I'm working on it. I've started getting more sleep, at least, which is helping — sleep deprivation makes my digestive issues way, way worse. And also makes it more likely that I'll get sick in general aksjdfksjdf

But yeah, anyway! With luck I will be able to get more things done this week, as long as I can avoid making my body rebel against me again!

[justmystyles]

The Morning After

read my other work here!

pairing: Harry Styles x plus size reader

*i say it's a plus size reader, but it is not something that i focus on explicitly in my fics, because your size should not define you. it will only come up if it comes into the story organically.*

word count: 2,583

trigger warning: vomiting

summary: the morning after Harry's 30th birthday, you're hungover and Harry reminds you of your drunken actions from the night before, leading to a conversation you never expected.

a/n: i missed Harry's birthday, but I got this idea for a morning after fic, so here we are. i've been writing a few things behind the scenes, and I know i've said a few times that I was going to try to come back, but this time i mean it. i'm working on a couple of one shots, and a new series that i'm very excited about, so hopefully you'll hear more from me soon!

tags: @abby8694 @allthelovehes @ameerakane20 @ash-craze @bethanysnow @blue-ballad @blueraspberryreader @brightlightsinlife @creativelyeva @cute-as-ducks420 @deannaard @fanficismydrug @gem1712 @golden-hoax @gothmingguk @groovychaosavenue @hillzrry @iceebabies @indierockgirrl @jerseygirlinca @jng4kook @jooniesbabie @kaverichauhan @laurxn-robinson @lexiecamposv @likeapplejuicenpeach @lilfreakjez @mrs-anna-styles211994 @n0vaj3an @potterheadandsherlocked @rach2699 @ravenclawdirectioner @stylesfeverr @superchrystaldrug @tenaciousperfectionunknown @tiaamberxx @thechaoticjoy @theekyliepage @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @youknowwhaaat

You open your eyes and immediately groan in pain as they meet the sunlight shining into your bedroom. You quickly shut them and pull your pillow over your face. You had promised yourself you wouldn’t go too hard last night, but Harry kept wanting to do shots, and who were you to deny the birthday boy? 

It was your best friend, Harry’s 30th birthday party, and he spared no expense. The room was packed with his closest family and friends, including a long list of famous faces. There was loud music, dancing, tons of food, and of course, alcohol. As with most parties, Harry barely let you out of his sight, and any time a tray of shots went past him he’d grab one for each of you. You lost count after a while, and truthfully, you aren’t really sure how you ended up at home and in your bed. You assumed Harry had something to do with it. You rarely got drunk, but when you did Harry was always very protective and caring, even if he was two sheets to the wind himself. 

The ringing of your doorbell, followed by the incessant knocking at your door feel like a thousand nails being hammered into your head. You groan, but know it isn’t going to stop until you answer the door. You throw your legs over the side of your bed and sit still for a moment, working up the energy to stand and walk to the front door. Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a full glass of water and a couple of aspirin, sitting on top of the note: 

For the lightweight in my life. 

xH

A small smile plays on your lips at the note, combined with the thoughtfulness of your best friend. You take the pills and drink the entire glass of water before standing and making your way to the front door. You are immediately met with Harry’s infuriatingly handsome face, a wide grin plastered across it as if last night never happened. 

“Took you long enough.” He says in a bright, teasing tone. You immediately bring your hand to your forehead, the voice that usually causes butterflies in your stomach piercing right through your brain. “Rough night?” He asks knowingly. 

You flip him off before stepping aside to let him in. “How can you possibly be this okay right now?” You ask in disbelief as you shuffle to the couch, collapsing onto your back and resting your arm across your eyes. “I’m not just okay, I’m great!” He lifts your feet up and sits on the couch, placing your legs down in his lap. “I’ve been up for hours, went on a nice run, got some shopping done. It’s been quite a productive day.” 

You pull the pillow out from under your head and throw it at him. He catches it with ease and chuckles at your meek sign of aggression. 

The two of you sit in comfortable silence for a few moments before you finally speak up. “I’m not going to be a fun hang today, just so you know.”

Harry chuckles and shakes his head. “You never are, why would today be any different?” He jokes. You move your arm away from your eyes and look up at him, narrowing your gaze. 

He lets out a loud laugh and holds his hands up defensively. “Just kidding! You know you’re my favorite.” He leans over and boops your nose. A sign of affection the two of you often share. 

You smirk and shake your head as it falls back on the couch. “Did you have fun last night?” 

“So much fun, the party was amazing!” Harry beams. “I got to see so many people that I hadn’t seen in a while. But you know what my favorite part was?” 

You groan in reply, signaling for him to continue, your eyes closed to block the sunlight. 

He turns to look at your face, his expression and tone softening. “At the end of the night, when we were saying goodbye to everyone and you kissed me…”

It feels as though time stands still. The nausea and pain from the hangover immediately replaced by panic and shock. You sit up straight and look at him with a furrowed brow. “Kissed… like kissed kissed?” 

He grins and nods. “A proper kiss, tongue and everything.” 

Your face immediately turns a bright shade of crimson and your eyes go wide. You’d had more than friendly feelings for Harry for a while, but you were certain those feelings would never be returned. He always introduced you to his superstar, super skinny girlfriends, so you always felt your thick thighs and big stomach were far from his type. You’d much rather spend your life hiding your feelings and having him in your life as a friend than to tell him how you feel and end up losing him because those feelings weren’t returned. 

“Harry, I am so sorry… I was drunk… I don’t even remember it happening… I…” You panic and begin to ramble out an apology. 

“Hey hey hey,” he interrupts you, placing a comforting hand on your shoulder. “You have nothing to apologize for. I was glad that you kissed me. It was nice, I felt… wanted.”

You scoff slightly. “You’re one of the most wanted men in the world, you don’t need a sloppy drunk kiss for that.”

“But I liked feeling wanted by you. You didn’t want Harry Styles, famous pop star. You wanted me, just regular Harry.” 

“Just regular Harry is my favorite person.” You say in a soft, caring tone. 

“I know he is, that’s why I enjoyed that kiss so much. And it got me wondering…” He trails off, thinking of the best way to bring up what he wants to say. “They often say people are their most honest selves when they’re drunk, so I was wondering if that kiss meant anything to you? Like if maybe you were thinking of me as more than just a friend…” 

Your hangover mixed with the anxiety of being called out for your secret feelings causes your nausea to return. You immediately start stuttering. “What? I… you’re my best friend! We aren’t… I don’t…”

Harry reaches out, gently cupping your cheeks in his hands. “Shhh, it’s okay. We’re always going to be best friends, I promise.” He assures you, his eyes staring deep into yours. “Do you want to know what I wished for last night when I blew out my candles?” 

You shake your head slowly, your mind racing and your stomach churning too much to actually be able to form words. 

“The same thing I’ve wished for every birthday since you came into my life. For you to see me as more than your best friend, for you to want me even half as much as I want you.” 

Your breath hitches at his words, you study his expression and see love, adoration, vulnerability in his eyes. Before you can respond, you feel the nausea taking over. You push out of Harry’s arms and run to the bathroom, You drop to your knees just in time to empty the contents of your stomach into the toilet. 

Harry is right behind you, kneeling down next to you, pulling your hair back with one hand, and rubbing your back in soothing circles with the other. “Shh, you’re okay Y/N, just let it out. You’ll feel so much better when it’s over.” 

When you’re finally finished throwing up you shift so that you;re sitting on the floor, your back resting against the wall. Harry grabs a washcloth and runs it under the water before bringing it to you and dabbing it on your forehead. “You know, you could have just said no. It doesn’t do great things for one’s self esteem to have a girl vomit the moment you declare your love for her.” He says with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. 

You let out a small, weak chuckle. “Harry, I…” You whisper. 

“It’s just a joke, love. Let’s not talk about it right now, let me just take care of you, yeah?” He says kindly, brushing a lock of hair behind your ear as you nod in reply. “Good girl, now what do you need?” 

“Toothbrush…” 

He nods, and places a kiss on your forehead before standing up and getting your toothbrush, he puts a bead of toothpaste on it and kneels back down handing it to you. “Go easy, you don’t want to start anything back up.”

You look at him gratefully as you begin brushing your teeth. He watches on, as he strokes your hair to comfort you. 

“Is it weird that I think you look cute when you’re sick?” He asks, looking at you fondly. 

You let out a soft chuckle and shake your head as you continue to brush your teeth. 

His smile grows at the sound of your laugh. “I love that laugh, I’m glad I was able to get it out of you even when you’re feeling like this.” He’s silent for a moment before speaking up again. “I hate that you don’t feel good, but I love being able to take care of you. Especially when you’re so vulnerable like this, it shows how much you trust me, and that means everything to me.”

You look up at him as you brush your teeth, hoping your expression conveys all of the love and gratitude in your heart at that moment. You slowly stand up and make your way to the sink, where you spit and rinse. 

Harry is quick to get up and stand beside you, he takes in your blotchy complexion and messy hair, and it’s clear that you’ve still got a long way to go before you’re back to normal. “Still not feeling so great?”

You shake your head. “I told you I wasn’t going to be a good hang…”

Harry chuckles. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m having a blast! C’mon, let’s get you back to bed.” He moves to put his arms around you as if he’s going to try to lift you.

“Harry, what are you doing?” You step back from his arms. 

“I’m carrying you to bed.” He says, confused. He thought it was pretty clear what he was doing. 

“I can walk, it’s fine. Nobody wins if you try to carry me.”

He furrows his brow and tilts his head. “What do you mean, nobody wins?”

You sigh, hating that you have to spell it out for him. “You’re not going to be able to lift me. You’re going to feel bad because you were wrong, and I won’t even be able to gloat about being right because I’ll feel bad about being fat.” 

“Hey,” Harry says sternly. “I told you never to say that about yourself.” You had always been self-deprecating, and Harry hated it. He wished you could see yourself the way he did, because he saw you as absolutely perfect and beautiful. 

You look down, embarrassed about the slip of the tongue. You had stopped saying it in front of Harry, but you hadn’t stopped believing it, so in your weakened state, you had let it slip my mistake. 

Harry slides a finger under your chin and lifts your gaze. “How about this? Let me try, if I can’t carry you to bed, I’ll clean up your whole apartment while you sleep. If I can, you have to cuddle in bed with me all day. Deal?” 

You roll your eyes and sigh, knowing he’s not going to let this go. “Fine.” 

Harry grins triumphantly and scoops you up with ease, carrying you bridal style down the hall and to your room, where he places you gently on the bed. He tucks you in before moving to the other side and slipping in next to you. “Told you so.” He says smugly. 

“Nobody’s ever been able to do that before.” You say in awe. 

He smiles and pulls you into him, laying your head on his chest. “I bet I can name three more things nobody else can do for you…” He kisses the top of your head. 

“Try me,” you mumble as you snuggle closer to him. 

“I can make you laugh when you’re at your worst, I can calm you down when you’re spiraling, and I can make you turn that adorable shade of red when I get flirty with you.” He chuckles. 

You sigh and nod your head against his chest, agreeing to all three statements. 

He squeezes you a little tighter, one hand coming up to stroke your hair. “And you do all those things for me. That’s why I think we’d be so amazing together. We bring out the best in each other, and provide comfort and support at our worst. I can’t think of anything more important in a relationship.” 

I hum thoughtfully, tears welling in my eyes at his words. He’s right, of course you’ve seen it all along, but the fact that he sees it too is overwhelming. I tilt my head and lock eyes with him. 

When he sees your watery eyes, his expression drops. “Oh, Y/N I’m sorry if I said too much. Nothing has to change if you don’t want it to, I promise. Just don’t cry, okay?” He reaches down to cup your cheek, wiping a stray tear away with his thumb. 

You shake your head rapidly. “No no no, I just… I never thought I’d hear you say this kind of stuff to me. I agree with you completely.”

Harry’s breath hitches at your words, a wide grin spreads across his face. “Yeah?” You grin back and nod your head. “So you’d be willing to give us a shot… as more than friends?” 

“Definitely.” You say without hesitation. 

He smiles softly and strokes your cheek with his thumb. “I really want to kiss you, but I’m afraid you’ll throw up again, and my ego can’t take it.” He says lightheartedly. 

You giggle softly. “I get it. It’s okay, I feel too gross to kiss anyone right now anyway.” 

“What can I do for you right now?” 

“Um… I actually think I want to take a shower, but I can do that on my own.” 

Harry arches a brow and smirks slyly at you. “You sure I can’t help you?” 

You chuckle and slap his chest playfully. “Positive, you perv.”

“Fine, fine… how about this? While you shower, I’ll make you some breakfast, to help your tummy.” He runs his fingers through your hair, wanting nothing more than to take care of you. 

You smile and blush. “You don’t have to do that…”

“You’re my girl,” he pauses, letting the gravity of his words sink in, you both smile dreamily at each other. “It’s my job to take care of you.” 

“Your girl…” You sigh. 

He smiles as he stares down at your dreamy expression. “You alright?” 

“Yeah… actually, I’m suddenly feeling much better.” 

Harry chuckles, kissing you on the forehead. “Good, well you go shower and I’ll make you a nice breakfast, we’ll get you back to normal in no time.

You roll out of bed and make your way to the door. You throw one more glance over your shoulder, smiling softly at Harry. When your eyes meet, he blows you a kiss. In that moment, he can’t help but think that thirty could be his best year yet. 

[fanficsrusz]

Lure Of The Maw Chapter Two - Henry Cavill Pirate AU

Warnings: Eventual Smut. Kidnapping. Mentions of physical harm. Men being Pervy. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN SOCIAL MEDIA CONSUMPTION. NOT ME. THEREFORE I DO NOT ACCEPT ANY RESPONSIBILITY IF YOU GET TRIGGERED FROM THIS POINT ON. If you read and you feel like I’ve missed a T/W then please let me know nicely and I will adjust ❤️.

Pairing: Y/n x Pirate Henry cavill

Word Count: 4.3k

Summary: Y/n’s sheltered life comes crashing down when pirates use her to get what they want.

A/n; I take way to long to update anything but here we are 😂. I still have no idea what I want to happen do enjoy the nonsense until i finally get a proper plot.

Chapter one

Sleep came like the falling of an axe. I knew it must come but I fought it with everything that I had. Those defenceless hours, oblivious to my surroundings, were enough to light up my whole body with fiery sparks that make me want to scream with anger and cry with fear. I am utterly wired until that time when I cannot fight it anymore and the sleep is as instantaneous as it is unwelcome. I have some warning though, when my thoughts become intertwined with random ideas, impossible ideas, I seek my flimsy bed, not what I'm used to, and hope I can get maybe even an hour's sleep before I have to experience the horror show that is reality.

Tucked into the little shelf that night, the sleep pooled on my eyelids, and the wooden ship was filled with the soft sounds of people sleeping. The wind swooped up, over the heights of the sails, rushed and rustled through the creaking beams, and gradually ebbed away through the crags to silence that wasn't filled with the waves crashing against the side of the ship. No longer did the rocking make me feel sick, but instead created a soothing rhythm to which rocked me to sleep.

The previous day had been quiet, nothing to feel the numbing void of darkness that was offered from the bare walls. Those few hours alone was enough to make me crave any type of communication, any voice, any entertainment. But instead I only found comfort in the darkness of my eyelids.

I had no idea how long I had been asleep for until I woke to the sound of breathing that wasn't my own. It was heaving, like a man's and rapid as if he's run into the room. I listen, still, trembling as the memories of where I am rush back. He's moving slowly, his heavy feet creaking floor boards that are silent for me.

"Wake up, Princess" there booms that deep voice that still sends shivers down my spine and despite the heat that floods my body, I remain still in the poorly lit room. I can hear him lean against a beam in the room, his hands tapping gently against metal - probably his sword, or belt buckle. The way he calls me princess is more of a sarcastic humour rather than being respectful and I fight the urge to roll my eyes beneath my closed lids.

I can hear him huffing to himself when I don't respond to him and within seconds he's calling out to me again.

"For God sake, heavy sleeper are we?" I hear his weight shift again and this time the heavy strides of his steps come closer and before I can even register anything, I can feel his hand on my shoulder as he roughly shakes me.

My eyes shoot open as a gasp leaves my lips and he pulls away from me. I sit up straight and throw my legs off of the bed as I jump to my feet, trying to make my body appear as large as possible, as if he was a bear.

"I would prefer it if you didn't lay your dirty hands upon me again, captain!" His title came out as a bitter poison that I hoped would cause him some pain, something I had come to do just as he called me princess. I could have walked away had it not been for the smirk. That little rise in the corner of his mouth he was oblivious to combined with the cool detachment in his eyes that was mixed with a playful gleam of excitement that seemed to spark in his eyes.

I had unintentionally given him inner delight. He was savouring the moment as if it was a sweet nectar.

"Sleep well?"

Maybe it was his stupid face or his stupid tone, or maybe just my lack of control but I once again found my self taking a swing at him with as much ease as the restraints around my wrist would allow. But with a grunt Henry caught my wrist mid air.

That deep, low, chuckle that only he could manage echoed through the cabin again and I felt my teeth dig into my cheeks as he tightened his grip on my wrist.

"Barely even awake and already taking swings at me." his smirk remained unchanged as he stared down at me and with a rapid jerking motion of my arm, I pulled my hand from his grip.

"You're going to have to be faster than that next time"

Henry's stillness scared me. Perhaps it is the faint sunlight making his skin gleam, or the lack of wind letting every hair hang without movement, I'm not sure. He doesn't even blink. Our bodies sway with the movement of the ship, a lazy and understated rocking motion. It's times like this where if this was someone else, I would turn away and try to hide from their gaze, but not with Henry. He had this power over me that even I couldn't explain.

Henry had quite forgotten what one can see in peripheral vision and his eyes are walking from my hair line to my feet and back up again. In short, he is staring and there seems no end to his fascination. The only time his gaze breaks is when I clear my throat in an attempt to calm my thumping heart.

"I guess I will just keep on practicing".

With a swish on my dress, I take my seat again, holding my back straight and folding my arms as best as I could as I turn my gaze to the small window in the room.

I can feel Henry's gaze on me for a moment longer and from my peripheral vision I can see his tongue lick over his bottom lip.

"I have some businesses to talk to you about". The playful tone in his voice had stilled and instead was replaced by a more serious one and I rolled my eyes.

"And what's that? Is my scent to hypnotic for your idiotic crew" sarcasm.

I expected some sort of laugh or sarcastic comeback but instead all i got was a serious response.

"We have received word from your father" just like how Henry had turned serious, I too felt my body stiffen as I snapped my head to look at him, analysing to see if he was telling the truth.

"What?"

"Read for yourself" He produced a single piece of parchment from his pocket, the bright red wax sigil was one I was oh so familiar with.

With a push I was on my feet and with two large strides I found myself inches in front of Henry as I snatched the paper from his hands. My eyes skimmed over the cursive letters, my mind numbing at the words that laid there.

"It seems we have a deal"

Shock brings a quietness within, a moment to feel my emotions change gear and numb my soul for what is to come. My brain stutters for a moment and my eyes take in more light than I expected, every part of me goes on pause while my thoughts catch up.

"Looks like he really does care about you after all" Henry's sarcastic tone returns and for once I don't know what to say.

"No" that's the only word on my mind as I reread the words over and over again. "My father would have never made a deal with people like you!"

"Well whether you believe it or not, Princess, your father has agreed to disburse the taxes back to my people in exchange for your safe return".

My eyes glance up at him through my lashes and I shove the paper back into his hand as I turn my back to him, not quite sure what I was feeling. How could my father bargain with - pirates?

With a sigh Henry continues.

"I'm just waiting for word from a friend in the village to make sure he does what he says and then your father has demanded that I leave you with a fleet of his royal guards, about a four days journey from here" I hear his voice waver a little and all I do is remain silent.

"So that's it then? I can go home in four days"

"As long as your father keeps his end of the deal then you will be sipping tea and eating your fancy pansy food by the end of the week and I will be nothing more than a distant memory"

That's what I was afraid of. Maybe it was seeing the same castle walls for the past countless years or the constant routine of being followed by guards everywhere, but with Henry, I felt a spark of excitement, endless thoughts of what could happen rather than knowing every little detail of what my future holds. And even if Henry didn't say it, I could see the look in his eyes when I disobeyed him or talked back to him. He enjoyed it just as much as I did.

His face remained motionless for a second more before his lips turned up again in what I had come to assume was his factory setting.

"Did you think I was lying? That I wouldn't keep up my end of the deal?" he chuckled lowly as he stepped forward and I felt my feet remain in their spot. "Just because I'm a pirate doesn't doesn't inherently make me a liar"

I could feel his breath on my face, the smell of alcohol strong but not unbearable, instead it was almost intoxicating but for all the wrong reasons.

"I had a mission princess." I watched as his eyes darkened and I felt the way his warm, rough fingers found my skin, wrapping around my neck with ease as he gently squeezed. I could breathe but I was more than aware that he could take that from me at any moment. I didn't move, didn't jump or didn't scream. I only stared at him, watching my reflection in his eyes.

"It wasn't to take you…. To torture you or - have my way with you" I heard the desperation in his voice and I to felt a familiar warmth in my stomach as I tried to control myself.

His eyes remained focused on me, as did mine on him. I swallowed hard and it made me all the more aware of his hand on my throat and the power he held over me.

Just as the warmth became almost unbearable, he pulled his hand away and it left a burning that I know no one could even recreate.

"No. It was to simply get your father's attention" Henry cleared his throat as he turned away from me, trying and failing to hide the fact that he was readjusting himself. "and Now that I have that, you can rest easy. Enjoy your few days at see and then you can be back home"

Seeing the effect I blatantly had on him made my heart twirl and hearing his voice made my stomach flutter. I can't help but feel this way about him.

Pin-drop silence...? How is that remotely possible with my heart somersaulting. His mahogany hair moving through his fingers as he brushed it back in a way I have come to adore and his cerulean eyes locking onto me as he turned back to face me in a trance with such intensity; looking away is unthinkable. His eyes constrict as he winked at me, unaware of the repercussions. The dimples that indent in the corners of his embellished skin is my last coherent thought as I become painfully aware of the silence that wrapped around us.

I felt the heat rise to my cheeks as Henry looked in my direction, he grinned and I snapped my head away, knowing that if I continued to stare I would get lost in his big blue eyes. I could feel his eyes still on me, I silently inhaled and exhaled, hoping that his thoughts about me were good.

"I'm hungry" I quickly spurt out, not really knowing what else to say. What else could I say? I want to feel your touch on me again? I don't want to go back home because I can't stop thinking about what could happen between us? You make me feel something I've never felt before? I want to have your cock as deep inside me as humanly possible? This man was turning me into a harlot.

Henry smiled to himself, his eyes dropping as he inhaled deeply.

"Very well, i'll send something in".

With a nod of his head he sent a member of the crew off to fulfill my request. Henry turned around to leave but not before taking one last look up and down my body. He may have thought I didn't see that, but I did.

"Captain?" I called out hastily and he stopped in his tracks and his attention was back on me.

I said nothing and only extended my binded hands in his direction. Henry raised his eyebrows in confusion before finally letting them fall as he realised what I was asking of him.

"What? No!" he huffed out a chuckled and I let my arms drop back to my body

"How does once expect me to eat with these"

"Well you seemed to manage quite fine when trying to attack me earlier. Not to mention how you busted my lip not too long ago as well" Henry crossed his arms and my face remained stoic.

"it's not going to happen, Princess. No offence but I don't fancy waking up with a knife to my throat" I opened my mouth to protest but decided against it seeing as he was half right.

I felt my lip twitch in annoyance as I suddenly accepted the fact that the binds were there to stay for a while longer and I shifted on my feet.

"I don't blame you. I would do the same if I was in the same situation - fight back that is." His eyes softened a little in reassurance and my heart once again flipped. "But nonetheless, the ropes stay tied".

Henry once again turned to leave me but for some reason I just couldn't stop myself. I wanted him to stay with me almost.

"My father really isn't a bad man" I watched as Henry's shoulders stiffened and he sighed heavily.

"How I do wish to live in that fantasy world you get to live in"

He slowly turned again and the soft expression and playful smirk were gone, instead replaced with an angered grimace.

"He is a bad man. He's a murderer and a thief." his eyes remained dark with rage.

"Let's just say I wouldn't lose a night's sleep if I got the chance to kill him myself, I can tell you that" his rage subsided a little as he noticed my wide eyes and his chuckle once again filled the room.

"Don't worry, princess. Your daddy's going to be just fine unless he goes back on his word. if he takes you and then goes back on his promise, he's going to lose more than just you. He'll lose his limbs, his eyes, he's tongue and just about everything else".

I remained silent through his little threat. Henry huffed a little, running his hand over his beard.

"I'm not a monster, princess. I may be a brood and violent at times. But I have my reasons for the way I am. Can you say the same for your father?" His voice became softer and calmer than I had heard before. I couldn't tell who was lying. Him. Or me. The one person who kept saying my father wasn't a monster.

I saw those gravity-drawn shoulders painting a picture of Henry's heart, as if neither it nor his soul would welcome a beat. I see in his eyes that his brain had built some new walls with him so lonely on the other side. I too knew that same feeling as I felt the tears burn the edges of eyes.

My eyes fell to the floor and I watched as he stepped closer to me, his hand coming to tap my chin, forcing me to look up at him.

His eyes were so different in that moment, more soft than I knew eyes could be. The dangerous pirate who could kill me at any second was gone and instead they were the eyes of one who cared deeply. If it were anyone else I would drop my gaze, but with him, I'm drawn in closer, always wanting more. In his eyes is humanity, the person he really is and not what the world saw him as.

"The world is a cruel place and the truth is cold, y/n" he spoke my name with such delicacy and it made me feel warm inside. Never before did my name sound so beautiful.

"you've had the luxury of hiding from it, but I haven't. You could judge me for the way I turned out and I can sure as hell judge you too. Safe, naive, sheltered, believing that everything is good and all is right. All the while my people are being beaten, hung, dragged behind on horses as they scream for their lives - " his voice grew in volume and the rage he felt was understandable and I felt sorry for him. " - and for what? For not being able to pay some ridiculous tax?"

Henry's breathing became heavy, rugged and uneven and my heart ached to hug him, to apologise for everything.

"All I can say is ask him yourself when you get back. See if his eyes speak true to his innocence." Behind that icy stare was a mountain of pain, yet extracting it would bring pain and instability.

We stood in silence, the only thing keeping me from crying was the fact that my teeth dug into my cheeks, a trick I was taught by a maid to control my emotions years ago.

Neither of us moved until a knock filled the silence and we both shifted away from each other. I wiped my eyes of their vacant tears and Henry cleared his throat. I turned my head away from the man who entered the room with a tray of food, and I listened closely as I heard two sets of footsteps leave the room without another word.

~~

My thoughts were blank. What a strange occurrence. Normally my thoughts were twisting and turning; suffocating me with their whispers. But now, nothing. What did I know? I knew nothing. I lived a lie and now I didn't know what to do.

I chewed my nail impatiently, my foot bouncing against the wood below them and I needed answers of the truth.

"Princess!" that deep voice called out to me from down the hall outside my room and I jumped to my feet, straightening out my dress a little in the process.

The second I saw his head of hair peer round the door, I allowed my face to hold its stoic position as I waited to see what he wanted.

"Good evening. How was your dinner?" His eyes fell to the empty plate that once held an array of foods from chicken to nuts and dates, not what I had expected from a pirate ship. In all honesty they could have given me a stale piece of bread and I would have consumed every crumb within seconds.

"It was satisfactory" I held my head high as he picked up the plate and handed it to someone else.

"Oh my sincere apologies on behalf of the ship's cook for disappointing your majesty" he gave a small bow and it stunned me how his cocky nature had quickly returned and I was still caught up in my emotions.

"Are you mocking me, Captain?" His eyes squinted slightly as he drew out a long hum before nodding profusely.

"hmmm, yes" he laughed loudly and I rolled my eyes.

"Well if that is all you intend to do I request to be alone"

"That's not all I came down here for".

He peeked my interest and I peered at him intently.

"No, I came to check in on you. Give you a little bit of company" Henry looked around the room as if he had never seen it before himself as he took a seat on a chair that sat in the corner, the wood creaking under his weight.

"it does get awfully lonely down here and something tells me you aren't one to go without attention"

I stared him down and blew a strand of hair from my face.

"Don't take me for a fool, captain" my voice was strong and unfaltering and Henry held his hands up defensively.

"Caught me in a lie you did" he chuckled again before sitting back comfortably. His eyes stared at my body again before landing on my face that I was sure had a tint of red.

"Alright, I confess - You fascinate me"

Words left me as my mind went blank.

"w-what?" the only word that seemed I was able to speak.

"Well I just can't stay away. I'm actually going to miss having you aboard. You've got a fire inside you that no one seems to dampen. Never before have I had someone speak to me the way you do. I thought about the day someone finally did and I imagined what they would look like. But a princess never seemed to fit that description. You're definitely more than I bargained for".

I felt almost embarrassed as he stared at me, the warmth in my stomach almost matching the warmth that radiated from my chest.

"Not once have you wailed or cried in self pity. You haven't begged for your life or your father's" he shook his head as he seemed to remember something, an inside joke maybe. Henry wagged his finger at me and chuckled.

"But you. You take swings at me, spit in my face and you fight back".

I felt a small smile pull at my lips as pride filled me.

"So?"

"so, if I stay here for a little while will I get hurt again?"

The smile on my face grew a little at the admittance that I had managed to hurt him.

"No" I simply said, taking a seat on my bed.

"tell me. Will you be happy to return?" The smile I had faded just as quick as it had appeared and even I didn't know the answer to that but thankfully Henry was too eager with his questions to allow me to linger on that one.

"What's it even like there? To live in luxury? I reckon my imagination doesn't do it justice"

I felt a sarcastic remark bite at my tongue and I couldn't control it.

"It's more than an animal like you deserves" I glanced at him briefly with a glint of resistance before turning my gaze back to the wall.

"Oh I see. You know it's funny, princess" Henry stood from his seat and slowly marched to stand in front of me, hands behind his back as his eyes remained on me. "Your lips insult me… But your eyes twinkle as they do"

I swallowed the lump in my front as I crossed my legs and straightened my posture.

"I have no idea what you are talking about"

Henry chuckled, stepping closer to me before leaning down so his face was inches away from mine.

"You know what I think? I think I am no more of an animal to you than you are a rich, spoiled brat to me" our eyes met and I could see the resistance that both of us held. His eyes flickered down to my lips for a second and I could tell he didn't mean to do it. "I think we both know that there's more to each other than meets the eye"

I so badly wanted to reach out to him, to run my fingers through his salty hair. But my pride held me back and Henry thankfully stood up.

"Be honest, there's a part of you that's thriving on all of this. Being amongst pirates and being at sea away from civilization and prying eyes. And being more than a pretty face in a perfect little world" his voice turned dark with desire as I stared up at him, not quite sure what to say.

"So you admit you think I'm pretty"

"and you don't deny anything else"

We both held our gazes strong and anyone could feel the tension that surrounded us.

"You see, I can be quite perspective - for an animal" He chuckled lowly and I still remained silent.

"Well princess, I bid you goodnight. I'm going to be turning in soon."

Henry turned to leave and I suddenly found my voice.

"Can you leave a candle burning?" Henry smiled and simply nodded, pulling a match from his pocket and sticking it to create a flame that lit the room much more.

"I'm sorry for leaving you in the dark, princess." he smiled softly.

"And maybe a blanket?" Henry's eyes flooded with guilt as he finally noticed the way I clung onto myself for any warmth.

"You've - you've been cold?" I watched as his gaze turned to his men who stood outside the door and their faces turned white with fear.

"My sincere apologies, Princess. My men should have been on that and I promise you the right consequences will be taken"

I laughed quietly as I watched the men scramble to find a blanket and within seconds one was being handed to me.

"Now for God's sake we are not your servants, no more requests".

I wrapped the scratchy blanket around my body but I couldn't care less because the warmth was all I needed.

"Good night, princess"

"Good night, captain"

Tbc

(tags will be added in reblog)

[lilolilyr]

Andromaquynh for the ship ask obviously 😍😍

This ship ask, I'm pretty sure? :D

1. Who buys picks flowers for the other

Both of them! It started with Andromache picking up single flowers to put in Quynh's hair the way she was used to decorating her own braids at times, and Quynh picks flowers for Andromache as well, random ones and others she knows local meanings of, bouquets and flower crowns or some she dries :)

Neither would enjoy buying flowers in modern times, even though the bouquets there are more grand than anything easily found in the wild, it's not quite their style, Andy still picks single roses for Quynh to smell and Quynh makes Andy daisy chains or steals her flowers from the park. The only way I can see them buy flowers for the other is when they're in different places, for example when (my fav future headcanon for her) Quynh's a fashion designer doing shows elsewhere, Andy has expensive flowers delivered to her :)

2. Who makes the other coffee/tea

Food is Andy's love language, she used to do this a lot for Quynh, but Quynh soon picked up on it and in modern day they've almost switched it around

3. Who eats the most candy on Halloween

Andy, no questions :D her sweet tooth is legendary

4. Who tries new recipes all the time

Both, and neither - 'all the time' they stick to easy, enjoyable food they know, but both are interested in trying new things as well

5. Who genuinely likes pineapple on pizza

Both of them, and they drive the rest of the Guard Mad with it. Of course, Andy likes some combinations of food that are even weirder, so even Nicky tries to keep his mouth shut when he sees their pineapple pizza lest she retaliate with something even worse, but the agony is clear on his face xD

6. Who wears hats on special occasions

I can see Quynh decorating everyone in her vicinity with party hats when the occasion asks for it and she has been introduced to the modern tradition xD she still prefers flower crowns tho

Andy is more likely to wear 'useful' hats to hide from harsh sunlight (even if they can't properly get sunburn because it instantly heals, it can't be comfortable to overheat), while Quynh wears hats for fun and for style.

7. Who likes ‘90s R&B

I think they wouldn't mind the music exactly, but I can't see it being either of their favorites

8. Who likes long walks on the beach

Before: Andy. While Quynh is in the ocean she can't stand the sight of it except when trying to get her out, and afterwards it still triggers bad memories in her for quite some time. For Quynh, it's almost healing, seeing the sea from the outside, and when she takes her by the hand, feeling that she's still with her, by her side, it's alright for Andromache as well.

9. Who buys wacky picture frames

Neither because they don't have a lot of clutter that isn't weapons or artworks from people they actually knew (or posed for), and because they don't take many photographs for security reasons

10. Who compares themselves to fictional/celebrity couples

Quynh! Andy quit trying to keep up with celebrity culture when everything turned international at the latest and is totally behind on it, her favourite movie's still a black and white one (she points out to Nile that at least it's a 'talkie' and so can't possibly be that old, cue Nile facepalm), while Quynh, when she returns, tries to quickly catch up with modern popular culture and everything else she missed out on, she'd probably hear about 'Brangelina' or some other celeb ship name and refer to herself and Andy in third person by 'Andromaquynh' for the next month at least ('drama Queen indeed' -Joe)

11. Who would wear Hawaiian shirts on vacation/during the summer

Both of them, but not exclusively, they also love dresses, especially when it gets really hot it's just better to wear sundresses than trousers

12. Who wears mismatched socks because they can’t keep up with the pairs

Andy xD she has her stuff in a lot of different bases all over the world, since planetravel became a thing not just sturdy stuff like weapons or furniture but also her clothes, and she swears it isn't on purpose that she can't find correct pairs of socks in any location anymore

Okay to reblog!

Thanks so much for the ask! This was fun :D AQ is still one of my favourites <3

Oh, and @knoepfchen I couldn't remember your url earlier but if you like pls also feel tagged in the opening lines fic tag I did earlier!

If anyone is also doing the ask meme, list for more easy copying the Qs on mobile below:

1. Who buys flowers for the other 2. Who makes the other coffee/tea 3. Who eats the most candy on Halloween 4. Who tries new recipes all the time 5. Who genuinely likes pineapple on pizza 6. Who wears hats on special occasions 7. Who likes ‘90s R&B 8. Who likes long walks on the beach 9. Who buys wacky picture frames 10. Who compares themselves to fictional/celebrity couples 11. Who would wear Hawaiian shirts on vacation/during the summer 12. Who wears mismatched socks because they can’t keep up with the pairs

[ilove-cedricdiggory]

Kiss away the insecurities and pain

George x Reader

Requested? No, I just had this idea for a hot minute and needed some George fluff too

Summary - After Draco speaks down on your size, your head is full of the insecurities and your heart is full of the pain.

Trigger Warning - Plus size reader bullying, family abuse,

Your tears slipped down your face, sniffles leaving your lips softly. You were quite used to tears caused by Draco Malfoy, seeing as the pure blood considered you quite a disgrace. Your heart hurt at the thought of people seeing you like he said, especially your boyfriend, George.

You were bigger than most students at Hogwarts, your hips were what muggles called, child birthing hips, your thighs containing more stretch marks than you could count, let alone with both hands, and your tummy was quite the pillow for anyone you trusted to let rest their head on it.

For the most part, that spot was reserved for your amazing boyfriend, George, but you occasionally let your friends cuddle up with you, seeing as how they all commended you on your snuggling skills.

But, Malfoy had just cornered you, Crabbe and Goyle on each side, insulting you about as bad as your entire family did each time the school year ended and you were taken back to their grasps.

"As wide as an elephant." He laughed, looking back at Goyle. "Thighs bigger than the heads of our entire class." He perked in, satisfying the blonde. "I bet it takes three wands to lift her up in the air."

The words bounced in your head, shaking you to your core. The loudest of them all, being what Draco called out as you rushed out of the hallways, "Weasley's probably laughing at her every time she's gone. I bet Lee and Fred dared him to see how long he could last." The sharp words dug holes into your head, insecurities filling up every gap. There were many spaces filled to the brim with insecurities due to your family, but these were the first real ones you had with your relationship.

You had always been precautions with getting into any relationship, especially a romantic one. But George always reassured you that he was in this with you because of your personality, not because of your looks, but either way, he thought you were absolutely stunning. He loved your size, loved the idea of their being more of you to love. To kiss every inch of your skin, to love every ounce of your skin.

But, you hadn't ever considered this to be a dare. You knew Fred and George dared each other to do quite a bit of crazy things, but would they ever play with someone's feelings like this? They wouldn't do that to someone, would they?

No.

No they wouldn't, what were you thinking?

Well...George only really ever dated skinny people before you. People who felt confident in wearing crop tops on warmer days, girls who's thighs together were the size of one of your own. George never dated anyone bigger before you...

That doesn't mean he's playing with me, or was dared to date me, no way.

Tears fell from your cheeks, the inner turmoil digging the insecurities further into your skull.

You weren't sure what time it was when your roommates walked into your room, but each of them had questions for you.

"Where were you? Where have you been?" Their voices were right out of your closed curtains. You kept your eyes shut, hoping they would consider you asleep. After a few more moments, they walked off, although you weren't sure if it was due to them believing you were sleeping, or just annoyed from your silence.

The next morning came, and you still stayed still in bed. You heard your friends come close to your bed, but walk off, moving down stairs to bed. Once you confirmed it was just yourself, you peeled off of your bed and slipped on some of your muggle sweatpants and a bigger sweater, one you purposely bought to be bigger so it could surround you. You silently moved out of your common room, down the hallways, and into the medical wing. Maybe you could convince Madam Pomfrey you were under the weather and give you an excuse to stay in bed.

She took one look at your face, sighed softly, and moved to hug you tightly. Your cheeks still red and puffy from all the tears shed, your eyelashes still damp from the way you fell asleep. Before you said a word, she guided you to a bed and handed you a mug. "It's hot cocoa. You can't stay for longer than today, but I'll tell your professors you're suck and staying in here with me." You were incredibly grateful for the woman, taking a sip of the warm liquid before curling into a ball on the bed.

You hoped George wouldn't hear anything of your recent wearabouts, but you knew your professors would question him about your illness, all of them knowing about your relationship status with the red head.

The hours ticked along, Pomfrey bringing you food, but for the most part, it sat on your bedside table, untouched. Right as you began to drift off to sleep once more, the doors slammed open, causing a bang to vibrate through the colder area. "Mr. Weasley's! What in earth are you doing?" Pomfrey immediately began scolding the two boys, glaring at them.

While you expected George, you still expected Fred, seeing as you had been best friends with them long before you and George began to date. You got them out of punishment your second year and they decided to keep you around. Fred had comforted you after small fights with George, laughed with you while his twin was stuck in the library, trying to understand a lesson he missed, or sat with you at dinner when George had his own detention.

"Madam Pomfrey, where is she? I haven't seen her in two days!" The voice of your boyfriend spoke to the older woman, trying to glance behind her to find your bed. "Mr. Weasley's, she can't have visitors right now, I'm sorry." She began to push them out, closing the doors behind them.

"She has to! I need to see her, we both do! Is she okay? What's wrong with her?" The two were finishing each other's sentences, trying to communicate to the older woman how badly they needed to see you. She glanced back at you, watching as you shook your head no quite quickly. Raising an eyebrow, she opened the doors once more, letting the two in. "Madam Pomfrey!" You groaned, turning over to your other side quickly.

This woman.

You heard their footsteps rush to your bed quickly, finding your covered bed quite quickly, seeing as you were the only one in here. "Your eyes squeezed shut, attempting to keep the tears from slipping from them once more, hoping they would believe you were asleep, even though you were talking moments ago.

"Hey love." George sat right on your bed, Fred taking the seat behind you. "How you feeling?" He asked softly, running his fingers through your hair softly. After a minute of unresponsiveness from you, he sighed softly. "We know you're awake." Fred's voice spoke this time, moving to stand, looking down at you.

You sighed, turning to look up at the two red heads, praying to whatever God was there that your face had calmed down from your last crying fit. But, alas, you were left to curse whoever was out there, seeing both of their faces scrunch up in confusion. "Are you okay love? Are you in pain? I thought Pomfrey would have given you something for pain." George mumbled, looking up to glare at the office, knowing she was in there.

"George, there isn't anything she can give me for this." You mumbled, looking away from them both.

"What on earth are you talking about? I thought the woman had a potion for everything." Fred said, moving to turn around to speak to the healer himself. You quickly grasped onto his wrist, keeping him still.

"I'm not sick, Fred. It was just Malfoy." You whispered, biting your lip at the admission. "What did the git do? Owl Lee, tell him to start grabbing some puking pasties." George spoke to his twin, hate already filling his eyes. "Love, it's nothing I haven't heard before." Your voice grew softer somehow, your heart hurting.

Both Fred and George knew about the abuse from your family, having comforted you many times as you sobbed into their chests. They both wished they could hex every person that spoke to you like that. George's arms quickly wrapped around your frame, pulling you to him, leaving space for Fred to sit on the bed himself. "What did he say?" Fred asked softly, hate filling his entire being.

"Just, normal stuff." You whispered, but felt George gruff at that. "No, what did he say, my love." George hating having to push this stuff from you, but also knew if you didn't speak it out, it would stay in your head for yourself to hear, over and over again.

"He, uh, he said I was the size of an elephant, that my thighs were bigger than everyone's heads in our class combined, that it takes" tears filled your eyes, slipping down your cheeks as you spoke the words into the air. "That it takes three wands to lift me up and uh." You paused, not wanting to admit to the two what was being said about your relationship, with either of them.

"Hey, come on, you can tell us." George's warm thumbs wiped the tears from your cheeks, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

You peered up at the boy, the boy you were madly in love with, and wanted to sob at the idea of having ever thought he would date you as a dare. He was the kindest, sweetest man you had ever met, besides his father, and you knew he loved you incredibly. You sighed, looking over at Fred, seeing him nod slightly, smiling at you.

"He, uh, he said that you were only dating me because Fred and Lee dared you to. That when I wasn't around, you guys probably laughed at the idea of me being with you." You whispered, finding yourself hating Draco about as much as you did your family. To put this kind of fear and insecurity about, not only yourself, but your relationship, had you disgusted.

Fred stood up abruptly, grabbing a spare parchment and pen from another side table, writing ferociously on it. "I'm going to bloody kill him. I'm going to kill him." George mumbled in your ear, holding onto you tighter. "George, I can't kiss you in Azkaban." You tried, hoping to see him crack a smile. "I'll take his place, they won't know the difference." Fred said, continuing to write on the paper. "Freddy, who's going to make me smile when George is in detention?" You hoped to get both of their attention once more, wanting to calm the twins down.

They began to speak to each other, planning what you assumed was the death of Draco Malfoy. "Fred Weasley, George Weasley." You interrupted, looking at the two. "While I want nothing more for a revenge to be set on the Malfoy, can we please just calm down for a second?" You whispered, looking at the boys. "I just want George cuddles and Fred jokes for a bit, please." Your heart hurt less with the honesty of your words to the boys, but your head looked down, hating having to ask for comfort.

Both the boys stilled, looking at you with regret and shamefulness. "Sorry." They both mumbled, George wrapping his arms around you tighter as Fred sat back in his seat. George pulled you into his lap, his hands running through your hair. "First off, you don't believe we'd ever do anything like that to you, do you?" His voice was shaky, afraid of you're response.

"Right after it happened, I was arguing with myself about it. My head was full of the insecurities, from Draco and my family, but my heart knew better. You two would never hurt me, especially not like that. Maybe an accidental prank, but that's the worse you two would ever do to me." You spoke, looking between the both of them. Fred smiled, nodding at you before George kissed you softly. "Secondly." Fred spoke, clearing his throat. "The last thing you should ever worry about is your size, y/n." He was soft spoken, a tone you only heard when he was serious.

"You're absolutely beautiful, incredibly smart, and so much more than your size of clothes. Draco Malfoy and your family are so incredibly insecure for trying to make you feel bad about yourself like that. So, so stupid." George kissed your head, attempting to calm himself down.

"I just, I hate the idea of people seeing me as nothing more than my size." You mumbled, looking up at the twins. "Y/n, you are so incredibly more than your size. Anyone who refuses to see that is nothing more than their stupidity." You smiled, laughing softly at them.

"Now, can we please go back to the common room to plan the sweet revenge on the twat?" Fred asked, George slowly standing the two of you up. You all walked to Pomfrey's office, thanking her for letting you stay for the day before you walked hand in hand with George.

You knew, no matter what was said about your size, Fred and George Weasley would always be there to make you smile, and George would always be there to kiss away the insecurities and pain.

[xanderwithanx]

Chloe does night-time diary posts on HER tumblr, so I'm going to start doing them here, sometimes. It would be nice if you read it, but, please, don't feel obligated! This is more for me to write.

(I got tired of my normal journal, I guess. It's full of bad poetry anyway. Besides, where's the thrill of losing anonymity in a physical notebook?)

I've basically been asleep and depressed for several days, because I had withdrawal after not being able to get my adhd meds. But, I got it today, and DID THINGS. (This is SO much better than before!)

Today, I went to a small café or restaurant (focused on tea) called Alice's Teacup that was Alice in Wonderland themed! My long-standing obsession with Alice in Wonderland knows no bounds. It was a really cute place. I got pumpkin pancakes, and some really good iced tea. Like... REALLY good iced tea.

Still, it seemed like the entire place was geared towards having a pot of tea and snacks with your friends, which left me a bit lonely. The person I asked couldn't come, and by the time I heard back, I was more than halfway there. Still, I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead and watched Monty Python on my phone, so I still had a good time!

I dressed pretty eccentricly and effeminately all day, but, with my facial hair, I was ALWAYS coded as a man, even by people on the street! Pastels, a stupid hat, a crop top, and facial hair was a winning combination.

On my way, I was stopped by some guys soliciting for charity. I don't make a habit of stopping for strangers on the streets of Manhattan. What if it's a scam? What if I'm being pressured to buy something? What if it's a strange political rant? But, I had already taken my earbuds off, I wasn't in a hurry, and I'm terminally polite. The first guy said he liked my energy, which seemed to come from a genuine place, because I liked his too!

They were asking for donations for a breast cancer charity, the United Breast Cancer Foundation. After a discussion, it seems like the charity helps pay medical debt, medical bills, and other practical needs, which is much better than *some* others I could name. I regretted not being able to give their minimum there, as it was pretty high, but told them I'd give what I could when I got on the website.

I... did not. Money is tight, because I'm bad and irresponsible with money, even though this is more than a worthy cause. I didn't NEED to go to that tea place, and I don't NEED to spend so much money on food. Sure, I can justify it: I wanted to go to that place for so long, and it was near the college anyway! But, if I was responsible with money, you KNOW my friends direct fundraising drives would go first, worthy charities second. Still, I feel bad about it.

Then, I went to the college library, to get books to start my thesis research. I have literally been unable to go to the college itself, aside from getting my ID, so this was great! There just wasn't a reason. It was... very empty. I went to the library stacks, which was deathly quiet and deeply haunted by the old books. I half expected something to pop out at me, as I turned the stacks, but I wasn't even paranoid or anxious. It was like I was in something else's house. I was welcome, but on thin ice.

I picked up an irrelevant psychology book on the "schizophrenia problem" from the 1930s, out of morbid fascination, and quickly put it down when it threatened to shatter in my hands.

Some students walked past (which was a suprise in those monastic basement library stacks), and I added something to their conversation, in a totally natural and casual way. But, omg the poor girls, I made them jump! Luckily, I'm the least threatening person on earth, and we laughed it off.

After a lot of hunting, I got 5 out of my 10 books (for the most part)! (The rest are, sadly, online. I like to read physical copies.) Strangely, I only came in with a list to get 3 books out of 6.

Most of the books I got are about art in the AIDS crisis, which is the core of my thesis, I think, all with different value. One about exhibitions, one about the larger narrative of those gay artists, and another contradicting the larger narrative.

I also got a book about "Art and Homosexuality". Just, the parallel construction of both "art" and "homosexuality" across cultures and times, from earliest history to the modern age. It wasn't on my initial list, but I'm really excited to read it.

Finally, I got a book called "The Thief, the Cross and the Wheel", about the pain and spectacle of punishment in Medieval and Renaissance European art. I'm mainly interested in Italian Renaissance art of the crucifixion--and its masochism--for the second quarter of my thesis.

The rest are online, and Should mostly focus on Bacchus in the Italian Renaissance (especially through art) and what I call the art of "gay liberation", concurrent with the AIDS crisis (i.e. The Cockettes). These two topics make up the last half of my thesis.

I'm SO excited to get started!!

I even got to cross the college's sky-bridges! (The college is a few skyscrapers.) Still, the loneliness and novelty were kind of the same thought. Imagine if I had been here before COVID, or, if COVID hadn't happened. Who would I have been able to meet? What would the college buildings mean to me? Because, for now, they're just buildings. But, I got to see the street from above, and that was amazing!

Just walking through New York--the Upper East Side--on a cool, sunny day was beautiful. It takes 20-30 minutes to get from my place to the college (and the tea place), but it was great being able to listen to my music (a lot of They Might Be Giants on the playlist today) and see the city. You know, people, super cool old architecture being pushed out by terrible new architecture, and pigeons.

Oh my god, the pigeons. I took pictures, but none of them are good. I kept thinking about how pigeons and doves are functionally the same. We domesticated pigeons, which is why they're here, and no one is stopping to notice them? Even the ones that were splotched with pure white, like doves? There's only so many pigeons you can take until they're just white noise and a nuisance, I know, so don't think I'm blaming anyone! But it's so hard to look away from these quirky little birds.

Also, at one point my walk, I was vaping very strategicly. The mental task of searching through library stacks will do that to you, when you already have an addiction to nicotine. I made sure no one was around, and no one would be affected. I stopped on a corner next to an old, ornate Catholic church while the traffic light changed, and I almost juuled right next to a priest! I'm glad I stopped. I don't believe in Hell, but, I would have walked down there myself had I vaped at a priest. Still, the church advertised itself as LGBT+ friendly, so maybe they aren't so trigger happy on the damnation. Either way, I DIDN'T vape at a priest today, which is good.

Once I got back, I spent a few hours watching things with my amazing girlfriend Chloe, who you may know here as @cisphobiccommunistopinions. She is so beautiful, and I love her more every day, every time I see her. God, it's almost been 5 years!

I just wish I could spend more time with her. She's in Virginia, and I'm in New York. Like she said to me earlier, I'm flighty at the best of times, and, with my lack of object permanence for the digital world, I find myself not giving her the attention I deserve, or, the full connection I long to have with her. We used to live together. Luckily, someday we will live together again! All these problems won't be forever, and we can live together again.

We watched a lot of things, but we're pretty deep into Serial Experiments Lain right now. It's a postmodern anime from the 90s, and, wow, do I have no idea what's going on in it. It's about the internet, and potentially schizophrenia as well. However, I'm obsessed! One day I'll be able to crack this artistic code, and it's unreality, thematic knots, and double-meanings. I will probably understand it better on the second watch. I don't see myself in Lain, but I see my 14 year old self in her, when I had just developed schizophrenia. Her cyberpunk fate seems like it's railroaded towards tragedy, but I want to save her, even if it's silly and irrational.

I told Chloe that I was scared about spilling apple cider on my library books, and she referred to it as "The Great Apple Juice Disaster of September 11, 2021." To which I said that it was the second worst thing to happen in New York on that date. It was funnier if you were there, and also were in my brain at the time.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm meeting some online acquaintances from the college's "Queer Srudent Union" at a Japanese Culture Fair in a park. (I do not know which park.) It emphasizes "fun"! I don't know them very well, but they're friends with the one person I know irl, so it should be good.

Tomorrow night, I should Probably head downtown to check out a gallery show by MFA (masters of fine arts) students at Hunter! After all, I was in a group project with one of them, and they're absolutely brilliant. I missed the Thursday gallery opening by a landslide, because of the aforementioned lack of adhd meds and Being Asleep, which I infinitely regret. I could have listened to all the artists and curators talk about their art and exhibition! Maybe I could have even talked with the artists and curators. But, it's best for me to go sooner, rather than later, so I don't forget. And, I REALLY want to go.

It's "This dialogue which happened to be present in all other dialogues" at the Alyssa Davis Gallery. From the email I got, "Each of these works observes a threshold of transition. [...] [These] intimations [are] of a frame of mind shared by the artists. These works perform, record, access, engage, document, and entrap, embalming the viewer within the gallery space."

sgp is a really good artist, by the way. Their work is just next-level. Be sure to check out their art, if you have a chance. Let me link their portfolio: https://saragracepowell.com/

(I highly suspect spg and the other member of my group project ghosted me afterwards, but I understand. I was really in over my head. Still, they're both really sweet and kind people, don't get it twisted!)

I ALSO really want to see The Cake Boys. They're performing at the 3 Dollar Bill in Brooklyn on September 26th. (It's only $15!) They're the only all drag king collective in NYC! (Are... there any Other all drag king collectives out there?) Other than the fact that a lot of them are trans or nonbinary, which I love, this show is a totally non-judgmental competition for over 40 drag kings! I've heard their shows are hilarious and unique.

I just have to wait until I have $15 to spare. I... didn't eat dinner tonight, because I'm irresponsible with my money and don't want to ask my parents for money... again. Don't worry, it's literally fine, and I don't make a habit of doing this!

Which reminds me! For my birthday, my parents gave me a gift card to Lush! I'm definitely going to Lush tomorrow, which will be great. I would describe my personality as "Lush store employee acosting you about a bath bomb demonstration", so I'll fit right in.

I also made a transition timeline, to show how much I've changed on testosterone. For the better, I hope! I really believe I'm becoming, if not Have Become, the man I was always meant to be. It's so strange to look back at who I was not too long ago, and to know the absolute pain I was in. It's also strange, in a good way, to see the man looking back at me in the selfies. I'm so much happier now! Much more candid in my pictures, at least. But, I know that I'm so much more comfortable as myself than I was even 6 months ago. It's strange. Sometimes I think to myself, "I don't pass yet; I'm not who I Need To Be yet." Then, I look at my selfie from today, and... I'm THERE. My mind just hasn't caught up with my amazing, natural, normal reality.

The end. I have to get ready for bed, (even though I could be partying on a Saturday night in the city. I'm lame.) If you actually read this, I am kissing you on the mouth right now. I hope it made you calm down tonight, like a terrible bedtime story. If you didn't read it and just skipped to the end, don't worry: you did the rational thing.

[fifteenskies15]

Kanae's Precious Doll

(Yandere! Kanae Kochō x Reader)

Summary: Kanae Kochō had never developed a romantical interest to her fellow pillars, but when (name) joined the ranks, it all changed... Kanae tend to get whatever she wants and she'll most definitely do anything to keep you herself.

Trigger warning: mention of necrophiliac, disturbing themes, sadistic Kanae, and mention of reader committing suicide by drowning.

Note: Mention of Sanemi and Mitsuri having a crush on reader

Admin's note: Oh my, oh my, a first fic of Kanae, this is all for you my fellow Kanae stans, fair warning that this fic consist a lot of disturbing themes and not compatible for you who had fragile soul, so please tread lightly and also this is rushed also it's long, I'm so sorry if you don't like it.

----

Oh what a good day today! Yes it is indeed a good day!

Kanae hummed a happy song as she make her way to Butterfly estate, the other slayers look at her slender and slim figure along with her long, beautiful black hair swayed by the wind in awe of her beauty.

"She looks awfully happy today"

"Well she's just succeeded in her mission of course she's happy"

"She's beautiful when she smiled like that"

"Whoever her lover is, they must be very lucky to have a beautiful lady like her"

Kanae overheard what they said, her smile goes more sweeter, of course, they were right, a certain person is extremely lucky to have faithful, loyal and loving girl like her.

Yes, you're very lucky indeed...

"Shinobu, Kanao! I'm home!" Her melodious voice said as she took off her zori sandal, Shinobu then greet her and bow her head respectfully at her "Welcome back, Nee-san, I hope your mission goes well today"

"It is~ How's Kanao doing?"

Shinobu shrugs and sighed wearily "Still same as ever... She hasn't eat her food yet"

"Oh my~ well, I'm sure she'll get used to it soon, have a patience, Shinobu~" she said as she affectionately ruffled Shinobu's hair, "Speaking of which, how's my beloved (name) doing?"

There's a smallest gleam of fear in Shinobu's face, but she immediately regained her composure "She's/He's doing well, nee-san" Kanae beam happily and clapped her hands "Waah~ that's good to hear! Excuse me, Shinobu, I must see her/him at once" Shinobu nods and step aside as she just watch her sister's back with a sigh.

"... Nee-san..."

"(Name), my darling! I'm back! Today's mission is a great success!" She said as she took off her haori and put her sword away "I managed to kill the demon and everyone is so very happy! It warms me to see them smile, don't you think it's great to see them so Happy, (name)?"

You were just sitting there in your (F/C) kimono and your hair done, your blank (E/C) eyes just staring at the ground, Kanae giggled and hugged you "Oh, I know you're happy too, my little butterfly! After all people smile shows that our efforts are worth it!" Kanae sighed happily as she settles herself on your lap.

Her nimble fingers traced around your neck and collarbone, smiling as she could feel your porcelain like skin against her fingertips "I'm elated that I could spend my time with you again, I have missed you! And now I'm happy that I can be in your arms again"

She sighed once more and snuggled closer "My love, doesn't it feels like yesterday we met?"

...

...

Two years ago...

"(Last name) (name) we're happy to know that you're enjoying our rank as a pillar! I look forward to work with you!! The flame pillar Rengoku Kyojuro said with a beaming smile on his face as you smile gently at him.

"Thank you, Rengoku sama, I'll look forward to work with everyone of you" a woman with long pink hair smiled and hugged you "AHH! You're so beautiful/handsome! And also you're nice! I hope we can be friends!"

You chuckled warmly "I'm sure we will, miss...?"

"Kanroji Mitsuri! It's great to meet you!"

"Likewise, Kanroji sama"

You then spot beautiful woman next to wind pillar eyeing you like she's looking at the most beautiful thing she's ever seen, you smiled warmly at her "May I help you with something?"

The woman blushed lightly and smiled "Ah, no, I think I'm just flustered to see such a beautiful woman/handsome man in front of my eyes"

Oh my! Did I just said it out loud?!

You stare at her unbelievably before you laughed warmly, the pillars thought your laugh is melodious so they stare at you with a slight blush on their faces, "A bold one aren't you, miss...?"

"Kanae, Kochō Kanae"

"Nice to meet you, Kochō sama"

Kanae smiled and blushed and tucked the strand of her hair behind her ear "Oi! I'm still standing here, (breathing style) pillar!" The wind pillar Shinazugawa Sanemi said, you looked up at him with a smile "I'm fully aware, Shinazugawa sama, are you jealous that Kochō sama got more attention than you did?"

You could hear Uzui letting out a whoop, Sanemi sputtered as he blushed and looked away "It's nothing like that!!"

You just chuckled at him and patted his arm and turn your attention to Kanae "I'll look forward to see more of you, Kochō sama"

Kanae's heart beating so fast as you smiled at her and she felt her face getting warmer, she never felt such things as this.

"I sure hope you will"

Kanae had never felt something like this to someone else before, is this how it feels to be in love? Her heart beating so fast, her beautiful face were streaked with nice shades of red and she felt like she's smiling like an idiot.

(Last name) (name) is a delightful pillar...

Lovely, kind, clever and compassionate...

Kanae loves (Name)

And (Name) must love Kanae too.

A surge of possessiveness and obsessiveness blooms in Kanae, she watched as you were smiling and laughing with Kanroji and Shinazugawa, why, her heart feel stings...

...

Her light purple eyes glared maliciously at the two pillars who just made you smile, the usual gentle Kanae suddenly replaced by a possessive and violent Kanae...

"Kochō sama, Kanroji sama and I are going to get some sweets, you want to join us?" You offered her with a smile on your face, Kanae counted in her mind as she smiled to both of you and Kanroji

"Why, of course!"

...

...

...

...

It's been a months since (name) joined the rank as pillar...

At night, Kanae can't keep (name) off her mind, she was wide awake and looking at the ceiling as she hallucinating your warm and gentle smile, and your melodious voice.

"Ah, (name) you're such a beauty"

Her mind wander about the thought of you and her living together as married couples, wives/husband and wife slaying demons together, side by side... Encouraging each other... Morning kisses...

Ah, what a wonderful thought.

Kanae sighed dreamily as she hugged her pillow, imagining you laying next to her

"Hmm, hmm (Last name) Kanae or Kochō (name)? Or combined? Kochō-(Last name) (name)... It sounds beautiful too"

She giggled as she thought of you had her last name or yours with her name.

Kanae sat up from her futon and looked at the full moon.

Luna...

Luna equals Lunatic...

Kanae's usual warm eyes turned empty with a streak of craziness and obsessiveness as a twisted smile cracked on her beautiful face.

"Ohh (name), how I long to hold you in my arms"

She giggled and looked at the moon again

"My love, one day soon, I will... Make. You. Mine..."

...

...

...

...

Awry and anxious that's what you feel recently, you don't know why, but you could feel a pair of eyes are always watching you, you were just sitting under the birch tree to relax after today's mission, but sometimes you still can't get rid of the feeling of being watched.

"What on Earth..." You mumbled as you look around and to see no one was there, you just lay down and close your eyes for a while until two familiar voices call out to you

"(name)-san!!~" you sat up and to see Kanroji and Shinazugawa approaching you, you smiled as she hugged you "Hello to you too, Kanroji sama" the pink haired girl just smiled and grab your hand, you looked up at Shinazugawa who just saying a simple "Yo" at you, you smiled at him in response "So what's up, you two?"

"Hmm, nothing much~ but we would like to take you to a nice teahouse in the city! How about it?? You, us, a cup of tea and plenty of delicious sweet? Besides you deserve a treat after today's mission!"

"And we won't take no as an answer" Shinazugawa said looking away with a slight blush on his scar face, Kanroji huffed and glare at the wind pillar "Don't force her/him, Shinazugawa San!" You giggled at both of them as you dusted off your uniform "Well, I don't have anything much to do, so why not?"

Kanroji squealed and take both of your and Shinazugawa's hand "Brilliant!! Now let's all be off!" You share a look with Shinazugawa and just chuckled at each other

Somewhere, Kanae watched as you and Shinazugawa share a warm smile together, she clenched her fist and glared at the wind pillar begrudgingly.

He shouldn't be the one to be smiled at....

Her knuckles turn white as she saw Kanroji hugged your arm with a smile on her face

Just because she's the love pillar doesn't mean she had rights to love you...

A warm tears threaten to spill out of Kanae's beautiful eyes, she couldn't breathe as she saw you and Shinazugawa being "friendly" to each other, her heart breaks as she saw you and Kanroji smiling and giggling to each other, she can't take it any longer so she ran back to butterfly estate.

Once she came back, she locked herself and cried, even when her sister asked her if she was okay, it's as if her ears turned deaf, when she run pass the butterfly sisters, it's as if she was blind because all she can see is you and only you and even the ugly picture of either Shinazugawa or Kanroji or worse, BOTH of them manage to win your heart, which was supposed to be hers.

"Nee-san! Nee-san!! What happened?! Please open the door!"

But Shinobu's concerned voice were replaced with other voice.

"I'm so sorry Kochō-sama, my heart belongs to another..."

Please, Don't go!

"She/he belongs to me, Kanae-chan..."

No, no!! She's/he's mine!

"Face it, Kochō, there's no way you can win, (Name)'s heart, try harder"

SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!

"...Goodbye, Kochō-sama"

"NOOO!!!" she collapsed and sobbed as she clenched her heart "No..no..." Slowly but surely Kanae's eyes flutter close and fell asleep due to exhaustion

...

Only a half of hour later, Kanae woke up, slightly haunted, she had bad dream of you left her for Shinazugawa and Kanroji and the sick smile on their faces...

Kanae clenched her fist, her eyes looked at her sword, she unsheath it and see the reflection of her empty purple eyes, she closed her eyes and take a deep breath.

One of the rule in demon slaying corps; never use sword against each other...

Kanae always obeyed the rule, she always has, but this time it's different "Forgive me Oyakata-sama, but I'm doing this for love..."

"thanks for hanging out with me! It was really fun to spend time with you two!" You said smiling brightly at the two pillars, Kanroji smiled and blushed as she played with her hair "Ehehe, We love spending time with you too"

Shinazugawa just looked away a blush on his face "You're okay, I guess..." You smiled at them and hugged him "You're okay too, Shinazugawa"

Shinazugawa malfunctioned.

"Eep! I want hugs too!" She said as she hugged both of you, you giggled at them and parted the hug "Alright, it's time I call it a day, good night, you two!" You said as you walk back to your estate.

Kanroji sighed dreamily "(name)-san is such a darling..." Shinazugawa just scoffed "She's/He's nice I guess..."

"She/he is, does she/he not?" The two pillars jumped as they saw Kanae with her usual smile "Damn it, Kochō, are you trying to give us heart attack?!" Kanae just raised her eyebrows, feigning innocence, "I apologise, Shinazugawa-san I tried to call both of you but you and Kanroji-san did not hear me"

"Oh! Sorry Kanae-chan, we don't know!"

Kanae just smiled as in understanding that, while Shinazugawa, knows the flower pillar didn't even call after him and the love pillar, he eyed Kanae suspiciously.

"So what is it do you want?"

"Oh, I was wondering if we all could talk, in somewhere secluded"

The two pillars looked at her, perplexed "Well, anything for you, Kanae-chan!" Kanroji said as she start to walk along with Kanae, meanwhile, Shinazugawa just follow them with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

Once they're arrived at a field...

"So what is it you want us to..." Before Kanroji continued, Kanae unsheath her sword and point it at Kanroji's throat "K-Kanae-chan...? What...what are you doing..."

"Oh, it's nothing~ just to warn you both to not get too friendly with my lovely (name)"

"Wh...what do you mean??" Shinazugawa immediately get Kanroji behind him and glared at the other female "Your lovely (name)? What the hell, Kochō?! Are you threaten to kill us because of (name)?!"

"Shinazugawa, I ask that you don't say her/his name, what gives you right to do that?" Shinazugawa recoil as Kanae pressed the tip of her blade on his throat "Kochō, you seriously violated the rule of demon Slayer corps just because of (name)?! You're sick!"

Kanae pulled her sword away and laughed, but she didn't laugh sweetly like she always did, it sounded... unnerving.

"I'm sick?! I AM SICK?! Tsk, tsk, that's rich, coming from you" she put her sword back in her sheath, "Anyone would do anything for love do they not? And what I did is a prove of my undying love for her/him! Violating the rules for (name)? I would do that with no hesitation! Killing you both and the rest of the pillars? It would be my pleasure! And turning into a demon?? Yes! I would do that for (name)!"

"Kanae-chan, please snap out of it!! That's not how loves works!!" Kanroji said with tear in her eyes, Kanae glared at her causing her to wince "You don't know anything about love, Kanroji-san, an this is your last warning both of you... Get close to (name)... I will not hesitate to hurt you or hurt someone you love"

Kanroji said what seems to be "Not Iguro!" Under her breath, Shinazugawa even know she had capability to hurt Masachika, gritting his teeth and hating the thought of Kanae hurt his best friend irked him a lot he almost do something he'll regret.

With heavy heart, Shinazugawa cast a withering glare at the woman "Fine...we won't...we won't go near (name) again as long as you keep your word..."

Kanae smiled brightly and clapped her hands "I knew you would understand! Of course I wouldn't hurt those who you care about!" She then struts away purposely bumping her shoulder with them and whispered "Unless you disobey, then say goodbye to your loved ones" she giggled as she head back to butterfly estate.

Kanroji then burst into tears, Kanae's threat had impact on her and that goes for Shinazugawa too, the man had his heart broken when he thought that someone he had feelings on is going to fall on the hand of a lovesick pillar, he also hate the thought Kanae hurt his only friend, he clenched his heart and grit his teeth.

"(Name)..."

"Forgive us..."

...

...

Today, you're in gloomy mood, it's almost a month since you hang out with Kanroji and Shinazugawa, and all of a sudden they give you a cold shoulders, you don't understand, why? Why would they avoid you? Did you do something?

"(Name)-san? Hello? Is everything okay?" You looked up at Kanae, she's have always been around you lately, she's been there when you're sad and down, you just sigh and shook your head "I'm okay, Kanae, just...still sad with the fact that Kanroji and Shinazugawa have been avoid me lately" you say as you walk along with her, tonight you and Kanae are having a nightly stroll which is a thing you do everytime you need to clear your mind, and you invite Kanae since her presence comforts you.

Or so you thought, sometimes there's something bizzare about her, you couldn't just put a head or tails about it.

Kanae place a comforting hand on your arm before she leans in and hugged your arm "Everything is going to be okay, (Name), you have me don't you?"

"Well, I know but..." You sighed for umpteenth time "I just miss them, you know?" Kanae stayed silent when you said you missed the wind and love pillar, all that and you still miss them?

"Oh but, (name) I'm here for you" she said looking up to you with a smile.

Now you know what's wrong with her...

Her smile...

It's not warm nor genuinely sweet, it was sickly sweet... it's unsettling and unnerving.

"K-Kanae, I think that's enough for tonight, how about we call it a day?" Kanae raised her eyebrows and tilted her head "Why? We've been here only for a minute"

"I just...um..." You don't know why your instincts told you to run, somehow you can hear Kanroji and Shinazugawa voice saying "Run!" Inside your head, out of reflex, you yank your arm off her and start to bolt off.

"(Name)? What's wrong? Why are you running from me?"

You ignore her as you keep on running aimlessly with Kanae tailing you, now that you think about it, she always acting odd, she's always too close to you, and seem to always cling on you everytime and too much that it nearly invade your personal space.

Also the feeling of you being watched by someone? You realized that Kanae has been watching you all the time, she seems always around you with no reason and now...

Lastly...she always looked uncomfortable everytime you're with the other pillars and drag you away from them, could she be the reason why Kanroji and Shinazugawa avoiding you?

"(Name)?~ (Name)? Why are you running, dear? Are we playing hide and seek in this forest now? Fufufu"

Her voice calling out to you runs a chill down your spine, by the Gods, she lost her mind...

You didn't respond and just keep running, panting and your heart beating like crazy, you never feel this scared, what happened to that graceful and elegant flower pillar you knew?

"(Name), dear (name)~ I really wanted to hug you now~ where oh where could you be hiding?" She giggled as you could hear her rapid footsteps, she's hot on your heels "Don't be scared, my love, your darling Kanae just want your arms around her"

"She's obsessed of me, Gods, I can't believe this..." You thought as you run, your mind wander over Kanroji and Shinazugawa, hoping that they would save you now, but it's impossible.

You realized that you're nowhere to run, ahead of you, there's a big lake, you gulped as you hear Kanae's voice getting louder"

"(Name)~ please be a dear and come back to me, you know you can't hide forever, right? Hehehe"

You looked at the lake, the thought of you drowning in the suffocating cold water scared you but...

Death is better than spending a miserable life with someone obsessive and lovesick like Kanae...

With that you drown yourself in the lake, it hurts, it really hurts as water fill your lungs, your vision start to fade away and it's hard to breathe...

And the last thing you see is the smiling faces of two pillars you care about.

Kanae arrived at the lake and looked around as she hums "(Name)~ I know you're hiding somewhere" she looked around the trees and bush while constantly said "not here" and "where could you be?"

Her eyes then caught a lifeless body floating on the lake, her eyes widen when she realized it's you.

"(NAME)!!" She run towards the lake and dragged your lifeless body to the dry land, you were already a goner... The color of your skin has disappeared and there's no more sign of life, Kanae wailed and embraced your dead body "Why? Why would you do this?!" She cried against your chest, mourning over your death.

She looked at your face with tears in her eyes, but then her sadness replaced by something close to admiration, she then traced your face with her fingers, feeling your cold skin as a smile slowly spread on her face.

"Beautiful..." She then cupped your face and smiled "My Gods, even though you're no longer alive, you're beautiful, (name)..."

You're too beautiful to let go.

So Kanae decided to do something to keep you and your beauty stays forever, "(Name), I will make your beauty last longer, and not only that we're going to be together forever too!" She giggled happily as she carried your body to butterfly estate.

Needless to say, she secretly preserve your body along with Shinobu's help, the girl was surprised and don't know what to say when she came with your lifeless body and ask her to help her sister to do her job and keep her secret.

And to keep it, the flower pillar lied to the others by saying you were gone missing so that no one's suspicious of her.

"Ah, those were the days" Kanae said playing with your hair "And now, I'm just happy that you and I are going to be together till the end of the time" she said sighing happily and look at your blank, empty (E/C) eyes "Oh now! Don't be sad, I won't go anywhere! I will be by your side today... tommorow and..."

She giggled and hugged you.

"...Forever!"

And this is your fate now, whether you're dead or alive, You belong to Kanae and only Kanae.

Because you're her precious doll...

----

Admin 15: Whooo, I'm glad I managed to finish this after I abandoned this for like, idk, weeks, I guess, and I still had unfinished Mist route draft to finish, anyways, thanks so much for reading, I apologise for the errors in the story here!

[nessamaurice]

Simple Ch. 2 (Loki x F!Reader)

Masterlist

Summary: Tony and the Avengers are in desperate need of something like a “babysitter” to have an eye on Loki and teach him “how to human”. He decided to stay on Midgard over the dungeons of Asgard as punishment for his deeds in New York. That’s where you swoop in. A simple receptionist at the Avengers compound. You have to share an apartment in the compound with Loki and damn, he’s a really tough nut. With your open and kind character it seems that you are slowly cracking his shell. But suddenly things are getting twists that will change your life and your relationships there irreversibly.

Story rating: M

Chapter trigger warnings: n/a

Words: 2492

2

Your head just did not keep quiet.

Oh my god, what have I done. I don't want to be kicked. I really like my job. Don't fire me, oh lord have mercy with my poor soul.

Your mind went on and on while you followed the famous Hawkeye through corridors of the compound you never saw before. You stepped into a lift and the doors closed. You noticed that he did not push any button but the elevator started to move anyway. You glanced over to him and caught your own reflection in the mirror of the lift wall. Embarrassed you shut your mouth that was still open. You stared at your shoes (which were pretty dirty as you just noticed) and you wished so much you would not be wearing your favorite Star Wars shirt under your cardigan right now (the combination looked really good and the cardigan hid your nerdiness) as the heat in your cheeks did not stop rising.

"You don't have to be nervous."

You audibly gasped as Clint Barton pulled you out of your thoughts. You looked at him from the corner of your eye and saw him smirking. You wished you could bang your head against the wall.

He leant a little over to you and lowered his voice. "You are not in trouble. We just have an offer for you." He leant back again. "But Tony wants to present it to you himself. Typical." He rolled his eyes really hard. He noticed that you had turned your head to him and you must have looked a bit puzzled `cause he said "Well, if you knew Tony you'd understand what I mean."

"Oh, I know." You said out of a reflex and immediately pressed your lips together in regret.

Now he turned his head to you, asking you with his eyes.

"I, uhm, I know him from the TV in interviews and sometimes he crosses the entrance hall, followed by several persons most of the time and, uhm, well, he has a loud voice so it's not hard to hear what he says and how he says it and... uh" You paused to find the right words to say what you were thinking without giving them a reason to fire you now, "I think he likes to set the tone." You smiled a bit as you compared your thoughts with your words and were proud of yourself. Quickly you added "And of course he has every right to do so, he's a genius and deserves every attention he gets."

After a very, very long second of silence, all Hawkeye did was let out a little snorty laugh.

Shortly after the lift stopped. Just before the doors opened, Clint Barton patted you a bit roughly on your back, which made you stumble a small step forwards, and said "Don't worry, you'll do great."

He stepped outside and you just followed him. Eventually he stopped, opened a door, held it open for you and waited for you to get in first. You took a deep breath and went inside.

In the meeting room was a long table with several chairs around it. The left side of the room was just one giant window. In the other corner of the room stood a man in jeans and a dark t-shirt (which turned out to be a Black Sabbath tour shirt) looking out of the window. As you entered, he turned around.

"Ah, you got to be Miss Y/N" he almost sang as he crossed the room quickly to get to you, stretching out his hand. You stared a moment too long at the hand, now being in front of you, before you grabbed and shook it.

"Uhm, yeah, hello Mr. Stark. What an honor to meet you." You stammered while smiling a bit helplessly.

"Oh, let's keep it casual if you don't mind. Tony." He grinned right into your face which just worsened your blushing. You assumed you just reached level tomato red. A very short moment his facial expression shifted just a little bit. He focused on your face, seemed to search certain features. Just as if he knew you from somewhere. But that lasted just like two seconds before he returned to his childish grin.

"Sure!" You cleared your throat; that came out a bit too enthusiastic, "Sure. A pleasure. Oh and of course, it's just Y/N to you."

"Alright! Sit down please."

He gestured you to one of the chairs. While you sat down he pulled a small plastic bag out of nowhere and offered it to you.

"Cashews?"

You couldn't help but smile and grabbed some, thankful to have something to do with your hands besides fumbling on your clothes.

"Okay. Barton?"

He simply nodded, waved someone to come in and joined you on the chair next to you. You simply smiled at him, chewing on your cashews as you heard the door closing and looked to the entrance again. You literally almost choked on the kernels as you gasped "Whoa fuck!" Right there in front of you stood no one less than Thor himself. You pressed your hand on your mouth to stop you from saying more swearing and spitting the food around.

The broadest of smiles in his face, he just said "Mylady.", leaning slightly forwards into a little bow.

You silently watched him getting closer to you with just a few steps. He took your hand and placed a decent kiss on its back.

Staring at him in all his armour, surrounded by some strange sort of glory, you swallowed hard.

"Hello! Uhm, Thor, I guess?" You smiled nervously. You noticed all the smirking from the other two men.

"You guess right. Your name is Lady Y/N, right?"

"Just Y/N, yes, thank you."

"Okay!" Tony said while clapping in his hands. "Everybody's here. So, Y/N, let me explain what's going on here. Thor, sit down please, otherwise she will just keep staring at your shiny hair." Your brain took a second to process what you were hearing and immediately turned your attention to Tony.

"Fine. Y/N, I am sorry to say that, but over the last month we observed some of our employees without informing them and one of them was you."

"I knew it!" you whispered to yourself, a bit too loud. "I'm sorry. It's okay, I don't mind."

Tony grinned a moment before he continued. "You noticed that, very good. No one else did. I'm honest, you are not our first choice for this job."

"She was mine." Clint interrupted. Tony's answer was just a dark glare before he continued.

"We tried it out with two other employees but none of them could handle the task, they gave up after a few days. I have to admit, this job is not easy. But on the other hand, it is pretty easy. First of all, I have to ask you a serious question and you have to answer it absolutely honestly. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir. Tony. Sorry."

Ignoring your stuttering he sat down on the table right next to you. His gaze turned a bit darker, steadily focusing on your face.

"Is there anything special about you? ... Not like you are not unique and this stuff", he added as you furrowed your brows on that strange question. "I mean, do you have any gifts? Super specialized knowledge we couldn't find out during observation?"

"Oooh" you let out in understanding, "Like telekinesis and stuff? Or a secret PhD in astrophysics? Noo, no, clearly not. I'm totally normal. I'm just a secretary. The only talent I have is that I can draw, well, not that bad."

"She's a very skilled artist" Clint suddenly corrected you. "But that is not important for the mission. No danger here."

"Great! Do you have any responsibilities that bind you to any person? Or maybe a pet?"

A bit confused you said, "Uhm, no..? I'm single and all I have is a salt water aquarium. I don't have any relatives to maybe look after, neither. If that is what you meant. I don't have any relatives at all. ... My family died early and I since had no other relatives to take care of me, a friend of my mother adopted me. But she died some years ago so... yeah. Just me." You added in explanation and stopped your own rambling.

Tony glanced quickly over to Clint who nodded sharply.

"Fish tank, okay that's no problem. In that case, I hand the word over to our big blonde one." Tony said pointing with his open hand at Thor.

"Thank you. Mylady, you surely know of the attack of the Chitauri lately. And I am sure you know that my brother Loki was in account of that. I took him back to our homeworld, Asgard, to obtain justice for all he did. He was offered two choices; to spend the rest of his days in our dungeon as a prisoner or to leave Asgard forever and stay on Midgard. If he would choose the second option, as soon as he would do any harm to Midgard or its people, he would be sentenced to death. At first, he wanted to stay on Asgard. But that... it did not work very well for him. He became more and more miserable, so I convinced him to take the other option. I was able to win our father over to put up that option again and now he is here. But after all he did, it is hard to trust him, especially now at the beginning. So Stark was so noble to offer my brother to stay here. We all got missions to look after, we cannot watch him all the time. So we decided to introduce him to someone to get him used to a life on Midgard."

"Okay, ehm, wow", you started after some awful long moments of processing, words failing you, "But, when I'm allowed to ask, why no SHIELD agent? I guess he's kinda... dangerous? How can you be sure he won't try to trick or kill me?"

"That's simple", Tony said, "because you are just a normal person. Sorry, no insult", he added lukewarm, "Therefore you are of no use for him.” He paused for a second, tilting his head. “I'm... I'm sorry, do we know us from somewhere? I can't shake off the feeling we already met."

"I don't think so? Oh, I'm working here down at the reception, maybe that's why I seem familiar. You never spoke to me but you often cross the entrance hall and I sit there all day. Well, most of the time I'm hiding behind the desk. Not that I want to hide, it's just because I'm in charge of the emails most of the time so my attention is to the screen. Uhm, yeah." You grew so hot you wished you could take of that cardigan without revealing your geek.

"Ah yeah. That'll be it. Are you okay? You look like you would faint."

"What? Oh, no, sorry, it's just a little hot", you held your ice cold hands to your cheeks, "I've never fainted once in my life. Everything's fine."

Tony kept staring at you for just a moment longer before jumping off the desk and turning to the coffee machine next to the door.

"Alright! Any questions?"

Unwieldy you took off your cardigan finally and try to hide the broad STAR WARS writing on it with your arms without looking totally awkward. You failed.

"Uhm, yeah. What exactly do I have to with him? Entertain him? Show him our world?"

With a steaming mug in his hand he turned around again and stared at your shirt for a second before answering.

"Love that shirt. First of all, try not to kill him. That could be the hardest part."

"How does it all work?"

"You will have to move in here. We have something like a little flat. We all live here. And with 'we all' I mean the avengers. Everyone has their own space, but we have a common room with a kitchen and stuff. We're like a big, crazy patchwork family." He grinned quickly before taking a big sip from his mug.

"Oh. Wow. Okay. That's a big move. What happens to my stuff? How long will all this take? Will you fire me completely when I mess this up or can I return to my reception desk when I can't do this? What if the others of you don't like me? What if I'm totally useless for you? How can I be sure your brother, what was his name? Loki? Right. How can I be sure Loki won't kill me?"

"You can take as much stuff with you as you want, we have space enough. We don't know how long it will take, probably several months the least. No, of course not, if you want to quit this you can get back to your emails. Don't worry about the others, when we can handle each other we are able to get along with a regular person. No matter how this will turn out, we will have advantage from learning so there is no chance for being useless. He got a little receiver injected under his skin and you will get a bracelet with an emergency button. If you feel threatened, press it once, we will get notified and be there within a minute. If you are in complete distress, keep it pressed for at least 3 seconds and Loki will get... a little electronic tickle. In that case, we also get notified but he won't be able to move for a few minutes. I know, that sounds fun, but just use this in case of emergency."

While processing what you heard you realized you relaxed completely. Resting the ankle of one foot on the knee of the other, you sprawled out on the chair, eating the cashews from your hand. You immediately snapped back to attention, not wanting to be taken as disrespectful.

"Relax Y/N. Don't act like I'm the president. I'm just a normal man. With a genius mind and unbelievable abilities, but - just a man."

You caught Clint next to you rolling his eyes, facepalming.

"So, what do you say? Interested? Oh, and of course you will get paid for your service. Catering and all essentials you need are on me. Don't worry about that. And we have room for your fishies."

"Ehm, well, it sounds really exciting. And since nothing ever happens to me, I'm seduced to say yes right away. But,", you held up one finger, "I would like to meet Loki first. Oh, and I want to know why the other two quit."

"We can arrange that. And they quit because he pissed them off too much. No life threat, he can just be a little pain in the ass. Uhm, do you want to meet him now?"

[jamiebluewind]

Why I'm So Good At Angst

Why The Latest Episode Of Fantasy High Effected Me So Much

I got pretty emotional after the last episode and when combined with recovering from bronchitis... it wasn't a fun night. I decided to write down a bit of my history to help and then I decided to post it because... well who knows? I just felt like it. Let me make it clear; I am okay. I am going to therapy. I moved 1300 miles away from these people. Most of this was years ago. There is NO reason to treat me differently because of this. But it's dark and PTSD is a bitch sometimes. So here are the crib notes on why I'm so good at writing angst. Trigger warnings abound.

Tw: child abuse, neglect, starvation, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, insults, controling, isolation, sexism, racism, homophobia, biphobia, gross imagery, sickness, mention of surgery without consent, dark themes, blood mention, rape mention, death mention, suicide survival mention, animal abuse mention, very minor spider mention (tell me if I missed any!)

Let's start at the beginning. I was born a "mistake". My mother wanted a kid, so she went off birth control and got pregnant. They were late 20/early 30s, VERY broke, not equipped to have a child, he didn't want more kids (he already had 3 from his first marriage), and they were about to break up. Instead they got married so I wouldn't be a "bastard". Turns out, that is a bad foundation for a marriage.

They were expecting a boy when I came out. The doctor said my heartbeat was so strong that I had to be a boy, so they didn't have a name picked out. Thus James became Jamie and my parents became disappointed.

I was mildly intersex so the doctors "fixed" me, but I didn't find out for years. What I did find out was how much money I cost and what a burden I was on my family with shocking regularity. Also, nobody told my mother that babies aren't cute little bundles that you can use to get more attention. They cry, poop, eat, and repeat and they need constant care. So, I started out with the cards stacked against me.

My mother was also... not the sharpest tool in the shed. Case in point, for about the first six months of my life, my mother gave me formula that I was allergic to. My dad (worked extra shifts and odd jobs to make ends meat) only found out when he was watching me when my mother went out of town. There was a substantial amount of blood in my diaper, he called my mother, a day or two later she finally called back to tell him it was normal, he got worried and took me to the doctor, and they told him I was allergic to whey protein.

Thankfully, my dad's parents lived next door. I stayed with them a LOT. Basically lived there. I would visit my parents, say hi, and then run back next door. Mamaw (dad's mother) kept me fed, never made me feel bad for how I saw the world, and was always willing to help. I had dyslexia and every night we would sit and drill my spelling words before she would sing me to sleep. Papaw (dad's father) was great too, but more of the playful one who taught me jokes and how to play poker.

Then Papaw got sick. First cancer and then Alzheimer's. I had to start staying at home a lot. I helped as much as I could. He lived a long life. I was there when he died. Death is not like it is in the movies.

In the meantime, I had school. It was tough, but I had Mamaw helping me and a friend. We hung out on the playground together for a year or two, but my parents found out and threw a fit that the teachers had "allowed" it to happen. Because he was black. Yes. They were also racist. So my friend and I were no longer allowed to be near each other. Mamaw found the whole thing stupid.

In 6th grade, I had a teacher that hated me. Long story short, long before I was born she and her husband owed my grandparents money and they were bitter over eventually having to pay it back. So she "lost" a lot of my homework and treated me like crap.

At the end of the year (after it was already over with), my mother took me out of school and told everyone that she was going to homeschool me. She did not.

Suddenly, I was my mother's maid. I waited on her hand and foot. I did the cleaning, she told my dad that she did it while I sat on my butt, and I would get in trouble for being lazy. She gave me an allowance and then took it back saying she needed it for bills (mind you while saying they were broke because of me). She told all my friends that the number I gave them was wrong and that I had moved away. She bought homeschool books and when I eventually got stuck on every subject, she told me just to forget it and that I could eventually get my GED. She never registered me, so on paper it just looked like I dropped out of school 2 weeks before the end of the 6th grade. Nobody ever checked on me.

I rarely left the house and my mother used me to con people out of money. I went hungry a lot. Sometimes she would give me food that I was allergic to which would make me sick. Sometimes she would make me eat rotten stuff (just imagine a cabbage stew that has been sitting in the fridge for weeks and has this waxy film on top and a sour smell ones you break through. I've eaten stuff like that because she said I wasn't allowed to waste food). I snuck food out under my clothes and kept what I could hidden in my room. We had a pantry full of food too, but she said I wasn't allowed to have any of it. Things like panties and bras weren't replaced as I grew and became so tight that I still have a dent around my waist and my chest. However, the shirts she bought for me were in her size (so she could borrow them), so they were just massive on me (she was a plus sized adult).

Still, I felt like a selfish brat for asking for even minor things, so I just... existed. I had a game system in my room that helped me escape. My older half brother moved in with his wife and kid and I babysat my nephew (for free) which was... something. A second nephew came along and the pair were a handful, but I did my best.

I snuck outside as much as I could. I would jump on my trampoline (before it broke). Play with a stray dog or cat. Observe a spider. I saw Mamaw (and Papaw before he died) as much as I could, but I hid what was going on at home. Mamaw was my escape, but then she moved out of her house and into a smaller house in town. That's when it got bad. Nobody was there to notice anymore, so my mother could get away with more. Dad worked too much to see.

I asked to go back to school when I was 12 or 13. My mother told me that they would hold me back three years so I would be in a class filled with children and she would get in trouble for me being lazy. It was my fault. She made me scared to go back. Later in my mid teens, she would tell me that I wasn't allowed to tell anyone what she'd done or she would go to jail, my dad would go to jail, and I would get put in an orphanage and raped every day. At the time, I was getting physical contact so rarely that it hurt when people touched me. I had a panic attack when a doctor told me to undress for an exam. So not only did I want to protect my parents from jail, the possibility of... that... it was enough for me to not only keep quiet, but actively try to keep what she was doing from getting out.

A lot of my teenage years are rather blurry (part due to monotony and part due to the food stuff). Mamaw had a stroke and I volunteered to take care of her (which I did). My mother used me to con people out of more money (unbeknownst to my dad). I got sick a lot and was often not taken to the doctor when I should have been. I waited on my mother. I took care of my mamaw a couple days a week. My mother started taking pills and gambling heavily. I was told later that she bragged to people about being able to do as she pleased as long as she got home before her husband because her daughter was at home doing chores. When I cleaned the toilet, I had to do it barehanded with a washcloth. I'm pretty sure she poisoned me a couple times. It wasn't fun. Did I mention that her favorite book was Flowers In The Attic by V. C. Andrews? She had a copy that was extremely well worn. *shivers*

At one point, I rescued a kitten from stray dogs and got my dad to let me keep him. I got a second kitten less than a year later who was so tiny she had to be bottle fed. Their names were Punkin and Hopee and I kept going because nobody else would take care of them if I was gone. I know my motger wouldn't because they weren't fed when I wasn't there. They are the reason that I fought to survive.

At 16, my mother took me to a urologist and told me that they were going to put me under to take a urine sample from my bladder. I woke up having had a surgery on my genitals to make them more feminine. Yes, I know how messed up that sounds. I had to go to a specialist when I got older for pain and get treatment for it. I'm mostly okay now, but that doesn't change the fact that it was objectively wrong. Please, if you take anything from this, remember that.

A week after my 18th birthday, my mother kicked my dad out. She wanted a divorce. She told me that she couldn't get in trouble for what she did anymore because I was an adult. The few weeks I was totally alone with her were really bad. She got a stereo, put it right next to my door, and blasted country music when I was trying to sleep. Made some excuse as to why it had to be there and that loud. We were in a well insulated house, so there was no one nearby to complain. I was so tired all the time and still had to wait on and cook for her. Til this day, I hate country music and I can sleep through most background noise.

I moved in with my dad. I had a lot of panic attacks. Some seizures. I was scared to be alone. Horded food. I was at one point sitting and wriggling because I had to pee and needed permission. I was a mess.

Dad and I were good for a while. I followed orders and kept the place clean. He insulted me some and was... honestly very harsh. He said he was preparing me for the world. He was nice most of the time though and so much better than my mother.

As time went on, the insults became more frequent. How much I looked like my mother. How I got all my bad traits from my mother. My voice could give people a headache. Useless. Dumbass. On and on. Nothing was off limits. He became so controlling. Taught me to drive, but my curfew was 8 or 9 pm. I had to save money and not waist it because I would need it later and buying anything small for myself was stupid (but he would buy random stuff all the time). In fact, everything I liked that he wasn't into was stupid and a waste of time and energy. He was better than my mother in so many ways. I never went hungry with him. He let me hug him sometimes. He would help me out with things. That was why it was so hard for me to see the verbal and emotional abuse and how much he was controling and gaslighting me. Every favor had a price. I was isolated. When I started going to college, the control became worse. The insults more rapid pace. I was beat down.

Then I met a guy whom I thought loved me. You know how it goes. He seemed better than my dad. Better than my mother. That was the best I deserved... right? He isolated me. He tried to get me away from my friends. He controled my money. He didn't take no for an answer. He used my bisexuality as something to guilt trip me over and like it was some grand thing for him to be as okay with it as he was. He made me feel like nobody else would be with somebody like me. It... wasn't good. I was with him seven years. Multiple break ups, but I always took him back. I survived two suicide attempts (OD for the first and called in before anything happened the second time after he had me go off my antidepressants). After the final breakup, we met up about the money that he owed me and he decided to not take no one more time and then blamed me for it. My best friend was on the phone with me afterward as he was texting me. My ex also said that it would make him happy if I never dated another man again. Then he sent me religious pamphlets. There's so much more, but he's not worth talking about.

I lived with my dad a year. I was broke and broken. I had my dog, my albino sand boa, and a few posessions. I didn't even have mamaw anymore (she had died a couple years prior). My ex threatened me. My dad just told me to ignore it, so I didn't pursue it legally. My dad limited the time I could be on my phone, gave me an 8pm curfew and a 10pm bedtime, and a door with no lock that I was to leave open unless I was changing clothes. He did nice things too like letting me stay with him and getting an old beat up PS3 from a pawn shop so I would have something to do, but he also insulted me constantly. I had made friends online and been friends with them for years (including my best friend mentioned before), but he said they weren't "real" friends and would ditch me the minute they had to be around me for any length of time because I was so annoying. I had too much wrong with me and nobody would put up with that shit. Just a string of insults. Dad even insulted how I laughed! It was hard to realize how bad it was due to the duality of it all.

Dad only "allowed" to date white cis men. He also said that if I ever had or adopted a non-white child, he wouldn't be able to accept it. I was chastised when I did things he considered not feminine and not "allowed" to do or talk about things in his presence that he was fine with my minor nephew doing and saying. He blew up if I mentioned anything LGBTQ+. He went nuclear when I got a tattoo to take back ownership of my body (my avatar), saying he thought I would back out and then said it made me that it was ugly and disgusting and no good man would want me now.

Through all of this, I couldn't even get support from the people in my hometown. It was a very religious area (almost infamously so). The locals considered me weird and "off". I was religious positive and supportive as long as it didn't hurt the individual, others, or society as a whole, but it wasn't for me. People were always trying to get me to go to church and praying for my soul. I was accused (more than once) of being possess by a demon that was blocking god from coming into my heart and slowly turning me half gay. Others tried to convince me that I was confusing apreciation for women with attraction and I couldn't prove that I wasn't straight (with the addition that all bisexual women were sluts and I wasn't one). There wasn't LGBTQ+ resources in town or out people to begin with (I only met two or three my entire life). I couldn't make friends. I was used a lot. Some people worried about having me around their kids. It was a stressful environment. I got pretty decent on arguing with strangers who wouldn't leave me alone (I seriously had someone screaming bible verses at me trying to save my soul while my dog was in emergency surgery so... yup). My only escape was my two best friends online and a few other awesome people I met the same way.

I moved into an apartment, but I was still isolated, alone, and touch starved. I broke my arm (oblique compound fracture of radius and ulna with a crack towards the distal end of my ulna) and my family was there for my dad because he had to take care of me. No hospital visits. I had to hire someone to clean my appartment (despite being broke) because they saw the mess as my fault as well as the injury. Dad dropped me off at home much sooner than I should have been left alone. But my two online best friends? Calling. Texting. Sending things to help. Checking on me often. One got on a plane and flew down to see me and do what they could with the day they had there. That's when I realized. They were my support system. They lived fairly close together. So, despite living in one small town my entire life, I packed up the moment I was able to and moved 1300 miles away to be near people who cared about me.

It wasn't easy. I had so many panic attacks. My one year old ESA cat Danny worked overtime. My dog passed away from kidney failure. My dad drilled it in my head that they would ditch me after a couple months because of how annoying I was and that I would either come back to [state] with my tail between my legs or in a body bag. I had to sell or give away everything that couldn't fit in my friend's small suv. It was hard, but I found a way to push through and do it. One of the last things I did was leave daisies for mamaw at places she liked when she was alive. I like to think she helped me have the strength to walk away.

I've lived here in my new home about 9 months now. I'm happy. I'm loved. I don't regret leaving a second. Sometimes PTSD will rear its ugly head like it did with the latest episode of Fantasy High. It's not something that I can control and honestly? The idea of being trapped after getting away and being stuck with my abuser again terrifies me. Seeing it happen to Adaine? It made me sick and I had an anxiety spike. I'm better today and I intend to eventually rewatch the episode to desensitize myself, but still, it was a lot for me. It's okay to not be okay sometimes and to need a break. It doesn't make me weak or bad or stupid. Another lesson for the person reading this I suppose. If it's not bad for me to ask for help orneed a break, then it's not bad for you either ^_^

I still have depression, anxiety, OCD, PTSD, health problems, and food issues. I think I always will. But I'm finally allowed to be happy. I'm finally allowd to be myself. I'm finally allowed to let myself be cared for and loved. I'm getting help. Learning techniques. Started taking CBD along with my meds. I'm finally as okay as I've ever been in my life and it's amazing.

PS: Just as a side note, remember to use trigger warnings. Even if something doesn’t bother you or most people, doesn’t mean that it wont make someone else have a bad day. Sometimes all we need is a warning to mentally prepare ourselfs. Sometimes we just can’t handle something that day, but can another. So remeber to tag, even if something seems minor to you or canon complient. Your readers will sincerely apreciate it. ^_^

[recovering-witch]

I started a workout routine this week and immediately GAINED weight! I have bulimia and this was an attempt to begin to lose weight in a healthy way (I'm just a little overweight and I want to get in shape). I'm so triggered and just wanna give up, I just feel like a failure. I don't know how to feel better about this?

Sit down for a minute and take some deep breaths, okay? Listen. What’s really making feel you this bad? the fact that you gained weight or the fact that you’ve been pushing yourself to lose the weight in the first place (for only you know how long)? You probably know better than I do that working out right now may not be the best recovery wise. Are you taking care of your body? are you fueling it properly? are you allowing yourself to enjoy food and human company? 

Hear me out. Last year, I was restricting and also decided it was a great idea to work out. Truth is, I convinced myself it was for the endorphins but quickly realised I was using it as a way to purge calories or even the food of the day. So first off, ask yourself why are you really working out?? I also gained weight while doing that!!! (ironic!!!) which left me mad and confused. Mostly mad, I must admit!! but... maybe it was a sign that I needed to chill? maybe this is your body asking you to chill too?? Plus: there’s a ton of reasons (aka variables) that may have combined and caused the gain weight. Those things are never linear. For all we know it may be water weight. Or it may be your muscles repairing after the excercise. maybe its your good old body just doing its best trying to keep you alive. and I know ‘staying alive’ sometimes does not sound as appealing as ‘losing a few pounds’ does but.. ask yourself how worth it could it be to live an entire life like this. you wouldnt be able to miss a workout. or you wouldnt be able to eat above some arbitrary limit you decided was enough for the day. you wouldnt be able to have popcorn at the movies or cake at birthday parties. or you would and then you would have to pay for it because you’d treat yourself as a filthy sinner. all for what??? watching the number in the scale drop?? only to beat yourself up the moment you hesitate or lose control?? I mean, yeah, sounds like a fun game but ???? its not??? it would keep you busy, that’s for sure, but you’d be miserable. 

So long story short, how to feel better about this? you ake a leap of faith and commit fully, blindly, to recovery, and embrace the fact that a) weight fluctuates (its what it does!!! you cant change the force of nature!!!), b) you will always deserve food, whether you believe it or not, whether you worked out or not, and c) you dont need to lose weight to be complete (YOU!!! JUST!!! DONT!!!!). And as a beautiful human here said once, you’ve proved you can be sick, now prove you can recover.