#not just whatever I’ve been given
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I’m approaching 27 which means that we are now in this unexpected period of life where we need to replace all of our “good enough for now” things that we got super cheap (or free from family) when we first started living on our own. I am realizing that it is VERY difficult to get rid of things, not just from an emotional attachment standpoint but also:
“Well it technically DOES still work even if it’s unpleasant and falling apart” (especially applicable to ugly/uncomfortable furniture)
“We don’t have to get rid of it, we can always repair it” (it is literally broken and falling apart)
“Wouldn’t it be Bad and Consumeristic to just throw something away that isn’t actually broken just because I want a new one?” (this one plagues me)
“Getting a New Thing would be way too expensive” (hasn’t even checked the price of a replacement, I absolutely can afford it but it would cost more than $50)
Even when I’ve fought through those arguments (which is very hard to do considering these are things I learned while growing up during the 2008 recession and struggling financially due to severe illness and death in the family when I was young) and come out the other side determined to actually replace something, a new issue arises. “How am I going to get rid of the old thing?”
“I can’t donate this because it’s broken or stained”
“I want to sell this but this requires a lot of energy that I don’t have (photographing the item, pricing the item, posting an ad for the item, sorting through offers for the item, arranging pickup for the item, possibly even shipping the item)”
“I want to throw this away but it’s too large to put in the garbage so it must go on the curb and I don’t know the protocol for that”
“I want to throw this away but it’s too large to put in the garbage and too broken to give away so it must go to the dump and I don’t have a vehicle I can use to take this there so I will need to reach out to family for help”
“I want to throw this away but I’m not sure how to do so in an Environmentally Friendly way”
This sort of situation is a nightmare for my mentally ill mind, and it results in me simply giving up and putting up with keeping the shitty item I know I want to replace and repeating the same excuses to myself to justify it enough that I don’t break down in frustrated tears every time I look at the thing I’ve been wanting to get rid of for months.
I’m sick of it though. I am tired of having to put up with being stuck with something I don’t like just because it’s not “bad enough” to justify going through the stress of removing from my life. I am tired of living with these things that I want to get rid of taking up the space I want to give to something new that I do love that I picked out myself on purpose. I am tired of my own happiness not being a good enough reason to justify doing something difficult or inconvenient. I am approaching 30. I don’t want to live the next decade of my life like I’ve lived the first two, just dealing with what’s been given to me and not saying no, incapable of removing things I don’t like to make space for things I do.
#talk#this started as a vent about my couch and my lawnmower and my deck furniture and my car#ended a lot more metaphorical and emotional than expected#but. yeah.#I want my life to be something I chose on purpose#not just whatever I’ve been given#I think I deserve better than that#but also for real why is it so fucking hard to just throw something away!!!#IMO this is partly an infrastructure issue specifically when it comes to things I don’t know HOW to throw away#also there should be more trash categories#I’m sick of things I can’t recycle being tossed in a landfill when they could be composted#but I live in a second story apartment so I can’t compost it myself#also there are many things that I can’t recycle but also SHOULD NOT go in a landfill#that’s one of those things that stresses me out a lot#environmentalism is important to me#wish it was more accessible#ALSO!!!!#what do I do with old potting soil that’s lost nutrients? do I just fertilize the soil in a pot if a plant is doing poorly because it’s been#in the same pot for 4 years#??#do I just NOT replace the soil?#I think i do need to replace the soil but what do I do with the old stuff????#again. second story apartment. so I can’t just put it in the yard.#also even if I could I don’t know if I should!! what if I spread diseases or bacteria or invasive plants!!!#do I toss it in the woods nearby? same issue as before!!!!#do I! once again!! just put up with keeping this old dirt!!!!!!!!!#I don’t want to be burdened by a giant tub of old fucking dirt of all things!!!!!!!#WHY IS IT SO HAAAARD#I DONT WANNA BE A HOARDERRRR
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toxic - sugr?
lyrics by @sugrsuptic and @epoluh
#steven suptic#listen#this is just a lil silly goofy thing#i’ve had these clips on my pc for forever#(the oldest one is from dec ‘21 so when i say forever i really do mean forever. it’s also of. very bad quality but whatever)#but for some reason the clips have been on my mind lately#so i’ve decided to finally put them all together :)#i am by no means a video editor but i’ve given it a try that’s for sure
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❔
#ladies it’s a guessing game in this chili’s tonight#do I feel incredibly emotional (slightly frustrated but mostly just ~emotional~#because a) I’m just really tired#b) that time of the month is affecting my emotions even though it never really has befofe#c) because I just had a long and confusing music practice most of which I really enjoyed but also I have no idea what parts I’ve been given#and I don’t know how to prepare for the next one#d) I want a nice long quiet talk about whatever with my boyfriend and I will have one literally tomorrow but not today#e) working girl woes etc bc Monday is tomorrow#f) all of the above#anyway ignore this lol I’m just thinking out loud so to speak
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fragment of a partially written “what if Evan went through with the magic-exorcism and had his memory of Gowpenny erased?” fic -- specifically a scene in which Jammer/K/Sam track him down to some middle-of-nowhere rest stop in order to meet him again
#N posts stories#thought it would be fun to experiment with the idea that his passengers are like#Way beyond the scope of human-magic and so they retained their memories intact#and Evan is just so used to shrugging off everything they say to him that he just refuses to engage#but there’s also a lot to Wonder about re: would Evan retain memory of having performed Accidental magic throughout his childhood?#would be interesting to play around with things there of like. How Much would they have to Take from him#to reach whatever level of ignorance they deem acceptable? nauseating.#truly tho the Exact Inverse of this fic is also something i’ve been entertaining writing meaning like#canon timeline where Evan fully thinks through the implications of ‘these people Could at any point take away my magic and erase my memory#of Whatever they want to just Whenever they decide to want to’ like Philtrum doesn’t Force Evan through anything but she does get like#Incredibly manipulative and coercive and Evan did not Actually give Informed Consent when he elected into the procedure in the first place#(it was never explained that the Whole pilot program would be kicked out — informed consent requires All relevant info given up front)#and either way ‘will they do it to me’ does not matter nearly as much as ‘are they Capable of doing this to me?’#combined with the fact that ep one Does establish to Evan that casting magic on children as punishment is considered Completely acceptable#there’s SO much to unpack about the kind of paranoia that would undoubtedly instill in Anyone but especially in someone like Evan
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i’ve
been feeling sort of conflicted about my relationship / whether it should be going on but . i really wanted the space and support to sort those out on my own terms. silly me, forgot that i’m not white and i don’t get to live my life on my own terms . my parents essentially stated that if it goes on they’re cutting me off financially and like. yes ill be frank i love having money. and i know a more resourceful and harder working person than me could make it work on their own but i’m not that bitch. anyway i’m just pissed off that like, ok regardless of my own conflicted feelings having a relationship and knowing i’m not alone is currently the easiest part of my life and my parents are artificially introducing stress there knowing full and well that chronic stress has fucked my body up so bad that i’m now on a bunch of (decently expensive) medications (that are also always on back order) just to get through my day. i’m also pissed off that after years and years of trying and being humiliated by the system (tm) i decided to change my career goals a little and that’s not good enough for them because they want me to last minute apply to [redacted] around the rest of the world. like they want me to be in a place where i am constantly stressed + my expenses are so off the wall that i am financially dependent on them forever, when the plan i finally settled on could’ve freed me in the next few years with a lot less effort. anyway i hate that they’re too middle eastern to let me make my own decisions wrt my personal life but not middle eastern enough to like. arrange me a marriage so that i can fuck off and be someone else’s problem.
#i feel so alone like. who do i talk about all this to. my white bf who doesn’t understand any of it???#like i’ve . given up. i swear even the three people who have enough permanent occipital cortex damage to delude themselves into#thinking i’m attractive. my family gets themselves in the way. and those ppl don’t understand why i don’t just leave or whatever#i’m 26 years old and i haven’t earned the right to live a life for myself yet and i hate myself#i wish i’d been brave enough to just up and fuck off back when family was kinda poor#because now like. oh i like being able to afford things. and i can never repay my parents for the things ive needed their help with.#my posts
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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.
#cops tw#bro I cannot handle one more thing happening istg#got pulled over on my way home after a 13 hour day#was already scared to drive at night and that just confirmed that I’m right to be scared#it was for running a red light n it was one of those situations of just not having time to stop on yellow#I was fully aware as it was happening that I was either going to slam on my brakes in the intersection or run a red and I could see the cop#so I knew I was getting pulled over either way I just hoped the yellow would be longer than .5 seconds. not so lucky#except I also Am so lucky bc he let me off with a warning#ig bc I don’t have any sort of serious history + with it being 420 once he saw I was sober he prob went easier#it’s the second time I’ve been pulled over in my life tho and it’s scary bc this is the first time since the accident#which maybe that was also ok bc it wasn’t my fault#I just know every warning or unlucky moment costs u more in the future if u happen to get unlucky again#like I know I got out of that bc I’m white. it was still a scary moment bc there were multiple cop cars#so it’s like is this guy abt to ruin my life am I gonna lose my license for being at the wrong place wrong time#when I’m already salty to be driving this late involuntarily#so it’s like I got unlucky And very very lucky#I just hate the confirmation that u can get pulled over at any given moment#I constantly rehearse every possible convo w cops in my head bc if u come off disabled u can die#or get arrested or whatever#and then they like don’t follow the script and u didn’t expect this to happen to u today anyway and I get flustered#anyway my point is. I’m fucking exhausted and too many things keep happening#it’s long day after long day w no end in sight rn and I’m like half asleep every day#I just want to sleep. without feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow#it’s too much. just all of it#and on top of it all. it’s 420 so the whole dorm building is basically a cloud of weed#happy u guys are having fun but u are physically harming me in my home#mine#txt#vent post#personal
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realizing that maybe I am just some crow who does not like labels. or at least using too many
#crow thoughts#sorry this is about queer stuff tehe ^___^#but fr I’ve kinda decided that queer is enough for me. like I’m comfy with aro and enby as defining terms#but in terms of my overall sexuality queer is enough for me :-)#honestly while this is about queer stuff I think this also can be used for an sort of identity label for myself#I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that I hate being put inside a defining box for others to assume of me#aside from the ones I actually want to be in#finding out I was aro was kind like one of the best things for me in terms of identity#cause I’ve never rlly given a shit about my sexuality. if I think someone’s cute I think they’re cute#if I don’t think they’re cute then I don’t think they’re cute! simple easy and flows just right for me#in the end it doesn’t matter because to me that aspect of myself is tiny like it doesn’t rlly define me that much#I’m glad to have any identity that allows me to push away the forceful nature of heteronormativity#same with being nonbinary! tho that one was an easy fit hehe#but I’ve also been thinking about other identity stuff as of late too. not just gender n sexuality#like religion and the whatnot. you know the deal#and like yknow what? nah you don’t get a defining term on that personal shit#you don’t get to know why I like calling myself a crow or my religion or whatever other personal shit I got going on#I’m just me. just foster. I’m not one defining characteristic I’m just me#I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been in my life. I know myself and I will continue to learn more#but I’m comfy not telling anyone until I wanna mention it :-)
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my love for Maven has evolved into something and no matter how hard i try i cannot put it into words and it’s driving me crazy
#i have a post talking about how his body is decaying from the inside out due to his soul rejecting his mother and that’s the closest i’ve#gotten so far at explaining my feelings for him rn#i’ve also stopped seeing him as this sad pitiful creature and am more so leaning towards he was a rage and resentment fillled creature and#his main ways of showing love went hand in hand with him putting Cal and Mare through the worst pains/horrors imaginable#he also is absolutely batshit like#bro is on the brink of madness the whole time it’s a wonder he never fully falls through#bet u money if he had been successful in killing Mare or Cal he would’ve fully lost it#cause like now what#this whole war and the two ppl he hates/loves the most r dead and it’s his fault#idk what i’m talking about#he got me feeling like#[CAR CRASH] [GLASS SHATTERING] GOOD LORD! [GENERAL COMMOTION] [BABY CRYING] WAAAAH WAAAAH [YELLING] [POLICE SIRENS] WEEWOO WEEWOO#he still is sad and pitiful but he’s also a rage filled monster who was given too much power without enough guidance#just running on hatred and whatever fucked up version of love he knows of#the closest he got to truly not gaf about literally anyone or anything was his reaction to Elara’s death#did all that running on nothing but anger and hatred almost killed Cal he was so enraged#does this make any sense?#he’s still baby girl sunshine loml 🔛🔝 tuck him into bed and read him bed time stories little angel
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Just cried over Math for the first time in like 6 years so that’s where I’m at
#ryders rambles#personal#sorry again for posting about personal stuff so much lately It’s basically consumed my life and I’m not good#please don’t make fun of my math skills haha#I’m venting here sorry#I mean it when I say I’ve been struggling academically lately haha#im not getting my accommodations despite my effort and im tired.#im Like.#this close to fucking dropping out or somthing I just can’t do this#I don’t want or Need help from anyone online rn I just need a bit of break#technically I cried over how poorly the website I’m doing homework on is codded and then just broke down from there but whatever#like it only takes answers if it’s written in a very specific format but the teacher didn’t fucking bother to tell us what that is#so I’m sitting here trying to figure out how to type in the polynomial remainder nothings working and It’s so frustrating because this#is the right answer and I’ve checked it several times but I haven’t been given the tools to apply it properly and I know no one cares#enoguh to actually see if I know the answer so I just get it wrong#pretty apt medphor for how the shcool system treats neurodivergent people but I digress#okay to rb but leave the tags out of it lol#ry diaries
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dumping a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle on the floor and hoping for the best 😭
#holy fuck i’m crying#LET OLD MEN GO CRAZY !!!!!#THIS IS SO FUCKKNGNDKSKSK#i’ve been saying. he truly just goes based on the voices in his head and how he feels on any given day.#and yk what. if i was coaching those losers i’d do whatever the hell i felt like too
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in other news i cannot stop fucking listening to Brokenheartsville by Joe Nichols and i’m starting to annoy myself with it but. i cannot stop. it’s too good
#Seven.txt#music stuff#it’s this perfect mix of being applicable to my current taste while also being a very nostalgic song for me#‘cause i liked it when i was a kid. and i recently heard it on my father’s radio outside. and man it’s been y e a r s since i’ve heard it#why is it so addictive to me#like. you cannot make a song that opens with the lyrics-#‘He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns. *insert seductive guitar sounds here* Sweet-talkin’ forked tongue had a temptin’ charm.’#and expect my southern and devil-loving ass to not go fucking feral over it#even when i’m not listening to it it’s playing in my head. was analyzing the lyrics the whole time i was in the shower earlier#but what’s funny is i think i’ve listened to it so many times that i’ve developed a whole new story than the one actually being told#but like. with how much he’s supposedly upset that this guy stole his girl or whatever#which i know he’s probably just comparing some dude to the devil and not actually saying that it was the Devil Himself#but it’s so much better if u picture it as actually being the devil that’s picking up this dude’s girlfriend in a bar#but anyways given how that’s supposed to be the point. he spends so much time describing the devil and ain’t got shit to say abt his girl#like okay buddy. we know you liked his cowboy hat. we know you liked his sweet-talkin’ tongue.#we’ve heard all about the make and model of his Long and Chrome Very Red Hot Sexy Devil Car#do u not have anything to say abt ur girlfriend. are u not gonna wax poetic abt her? no? too busy admiring the Devil and his Hot Car?? yeah#we’re gathering that#like.. brother… i dunno how to tell u this but i think u might wanna fuck him a lil bit#‘Love’s gone to hell and so have I.’ yeah!! i’m gathering that!! good for u dude!! get it!!#so now the whole time i’m listening to it i’m just like. this is a love song abt the devil!#which it isn’t. but it could be!! and so that’s what i’m choosing to see it as. bc i’d feel the same way tbh#i much prefer the idea of him being pissed that he missed his chance to run away w/ the devil than being pissy over his girlfriend leaving#it’s just so much more appealing to me im sorry#also. side note. when i was a kid i thought the line was ‘that angel up in the air’ and not ‘that angel who did me in’#and i don’t know how i misheard it so badly but now i sing it wrong every fuckign time cause it’s still cemented in my head from childhood#how young was i. hold on.#oh yeah it came out in 2002. so yeah i was quite young when i heard it a lot so i think im forgiven for mishearing it so badly lmao
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Hold on I gotta be insane for a couple minutes
#just binged a kdrama in two days. feeling normal (lie)#the glory was SO good it altered my brain chemistry I will never be the same#I’d rank it above cloy but below wyws. if anyone was wondering#I’ve been given TWO insane dynamics to play with and rest assured I will be eating these#whatever dong-eun & yeon-jin have going on and whatever Will & hannibal have going on are on opposite points of the same axis#if you even care#I gotta let my thoughts brew and then I’m probably gonna drop an essay in the jaeger. pilots beware (ily)#and you can fucking bet I’m gonna make this about renbrand#OR more accurately the professor & the acolyte bc I want them to have a dynamic that is So#anyway. posts incoming
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Goodnight I’m rly sad about somethings in this fandom but I don’t have the energy to say but I’m just gufufgjugjgj and can’t sleep so I need to post something abt it lol (and this is it). When I am able I will explain and get it off my chest. But basically in short I hate how fandom will treat characters with humanity depending on how attractive/young/“shippable” they are. Legit makes me sick and angry
#abt downton abbey#I’ve worked out what actually has been getting to me abt the Carson vs Thomas type fans and some of the takes/posts/sentiment I’ve seen#i don’t need ppl to act like either character is perfect or one is evil coz that’s the POINT:#they’re both written as HUMANS because they ARE humans. but no#according to most this fandom Thomas is a uwu misundrstood complex flawed human sad boy-#-but Carson is just a monster no questions asked!! :)#Carson is treated so shittily by this fandom legit. he gets NO humanity given. like why???#because I know if he was a younger typically handsome character this wouldn’t be the case. he’d get pages of text he’d get sympathy he’d get#actual thought and analysis and not just whatever is going on here#i just wish the fandom wasn’t like this and just had some fairness about it in general#I’m not asking anyone to become a fan of Carson lol - i just wish that when he WAS talked about it is with the same rules applied to other#-characters#for example how can you say Jimmy Kent did nothing wrong and then Carson was evil because his homophobia at the same time?#bitch either they were both evil for that or neither were you can’t pick and chose#what Jimmy did was literally worse too but who cares
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what if I just screamed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and cried!!!!!!!!
#local girl forced to deal with everything on its own due to incompetency of parents 5 dead 24 injured.#I’m all of the ppl who were harmed. i am. i just wish I could ask someone about things and get a good answer#that didn’t make me feel like. well. you know. but yeah.#and then INVITING THEMSELVES UP FOR MY BIRTHDAY.#like. yeah I don’t have plans and I won’t have friends up there yet but also. maybe ask me first instead of just deciding 😔#but also I might not even be able to do any of that bc ! none of this might happen!#bad things just keep happening and it keeps making me just. want to quit the whole process and stay here and give up#but I already bought the car so now I have to commit and just. yeah. yeah. i wanna scream#i am trying to vent less on the internet but also there is nowhere else to put this!!!!! i don’t have ppl to vent to so now this is my diary#but yeah. I’m just. going crazy. i know I should be doing my own research but also god would it kill you to even try.#like literally no effort has ever been made to help me it’s just an afterthought of like oh have you thought about x when I thought abt x#like weeks ago. and it’s always been this way. or me going yes I’ve thought abt x and them going oh good and then not offering any more help#i would just like to be given proper guidance once in my life. just once.#that didn’t feel like ripping my heart and all my guts out of my body. like just once in my life yk is it too much to ask for#but no I’m the only one with any fucking vision around here and I hate it so much#whatever. it’s fine. I’ll suffer through another day tomorrow. its fucking fine.
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man it’s really been crickets on here since monkey band dropped their latest album huh 😬
#sid speaks#i might listen to it at least once to see what i think#it just speaks volumes that they used to trend like crazy and don’t anymore LOL#i did quickly catch myself up to speed on what i missed in terms of lore and etc and given how THAT’S been going…#yeah i can see why so many people jumped ship#i care about the characters and that’s specifically Why i don’t engage with the source material in its current state#it’s not even anything worth discussing imo it’s the same old shit i’ve always disliked#ogh murdoc evil murdoc likes this woman murdoc cause trouble for 2D blah blah blah#not to mention russel getting horribly sidelined as usual#rolls my eyes. whatever#better things to engage with rn
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