#not just whatever I’ve been given
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koifrog · 4 months ago
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I’m approaching 27 which means that we are now in this unexpected period of life where we need to replace all of our “good enough for now” things that we got super cheap (or free from family) when we first started living on our own. I am realizing that it is VERY difficult to get rid of things, not just from an emotional attachment standpoint but also:
“Well it technically DOES still work even if it’s unpleasant and falling apart” (especially applicable to ugly/uncomfortable furniture)
“We don’t have to get rid of it, we can always repair it” (it is literally broken and falling apart)
“Wouldn’t it be Bad and Consumeristic to just throw something away that isn’t actually broken just because I want a new one?” (this one plagues me)
“Getting a New Thing would be way too expensive” (hasn’t even checked the price of a replacement, I absolutely can afford it but it would cost more than $50)
Even when I’ve fought through those arguments (which is very hard to do considering these are things I learned while growing up during the 2008 recession and struggling financially due to severe illness and death in the family when I was young) and come out the other side determined to actually replace something, a new issue arises. “How am I going to get rid of the old thing?”
“I can’t donate this because it’s broken or stained”
“I want to sell this but this requires a lot of energy that I don’t have (photographing the item, pricing the item, posting an ad for the item, sorting through offers for the item, arranging pickup for the item, possibly even shipping the item)”
“I want to throw this away but it’s too large to put in the garbage so it must go on the curb and I don’t know the protocol for that”
“I want to throw this away but it’s too large to put in the garbage and too broken to give away so it must go to the dump and I don’t have a vehicle I can use to take this there so I will need to reach out to family for help”
“I want to throw this away but I’m not sure how to do so in an Environmentally Friendly way”
This sort of situation is a nightmare for my mentally ill mind, and it results in me simply giving up and putting up with keeping the shitty item I know I want to replace and repeating the same excuses to myself to justify it enough that I don’t break down in frustrated tears every time I look at the thing I’ve been wanting to get rid of for months.
I’m sick of it though. I am tired of having to put up with being stuck with something I don’t like just because it’s not “bad enough” to justify going through the stress of removing from my life. I am tired of living with these things that I want to get rid of taking up the space I want to give to something new that I do love that I picked out myself on purpose. I am tired of my own happiness not being a good enough reason to justify doing something difficult or inconvenient. I am approaching 30. I don’t want to live the next decade of my life like I’ve lived the first two, just dealing with what’s been given to me and not saying no, incapable of removing things I don’t like to make space for things I do.
#talk#this started as a vent about my couch and my lawnmower and my deck furniture and my car#ended a lot more metaphorical and emotional than expected#but. yeah.#I want my life to be something I chose on purpose#not just whatever I’ve been given#I think I deserve better than that#but also for real why is it so fucking hard to just throw something away!!!#IMO this is partly an infrastructure issue specifically when it comes to things I don’t know HOW to throw away#also there should be more trash categories#I’m sick of things I can’t recycle being tossed in a landfill when they could be composted#but I live in a second story apartment so I can’t compost it myself#also there are many things that I can’t recycle but also SHOULD NOT go in a landfill#that’s one of those things that stresses me out a lot#environmentalism is important to me#wish it was more accessible#ALSO!!!!#what do I do with old potting soil that’s lost nutrients? do I just fertilize the soil in a pot if a plant is doing poorly because it’s been#in the same pot for 4 years#??#do I just NOT replace the soil?#I think i do need to replace the soil but what do I do with the old stuff????#again. second story apartment. so I can’t just put it in the yard.#also even if I could I don’t know if I should!! what if I spread diseases or bacteria or invasive plants!!!#do I toss it in the woods nearby? same issue as before!!!!#do I! once again!! just put up with keeping this old dirt!!!!!!!!!#I don’t want to be burdened by a giant tub of old fucking dirt of all things!!!!!!!#WHY IS IT SO HAAAARD#I DONT WANNA BE A HOARDERRRR
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sugrsuptic · 5 months ago
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toxic - sugr?
lyrics by @sugrsuptic and @epoluh
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mossy-paws · 3 months ago
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Phigting headcanon ask!
What do think are the phighters fav drink? :D
YES YES YWA YES YES!!!! I LOVE ASKS LIKE THESE LETS GOOOOOOO!!!! IM SO SORRU IT TOOK SO LONG FOR ME TO GET TO THIS BUT!! LET ME JUST COMPILE ALL OF THEM REALLY QUICK!
Sword, ice water with lemon. I actually headcanon he’s allergic to caffeine (because anything with caffeine will make birds very sick)
Rocket, sprite or blue Fanta
Subspace can’t drink due to his rot, he probably eats electrolyte packages lmfao
Medkit is addicted to black coffee
shuriken loves green tea/matcha
vinestaff likes sakura tea or cherry ramune
Icedagger likes söderblandning and Julmust especially
Scythe likes vinegar, straight vinegar. (And sometimes a key lime martini on the side)
Broker, once more, likes whatever is illegal.
Skateboard likes coca cola
slingshot likes milk because cat
boombox likes ginger ale (the bottle is green okay I couldn’t think of anything better)
Banhammer likes his mamas smoothies
Zuka likes those gas station slushies, blue raspberry mixed with Coke is probably his faborite
Hyperlaser likes beer or any sort of alcohol (duh)
Katana likes Baekseju
Valk like champagne
Dom likes red wine, but only the most expensive kinds
Voidstar likes the blood of her victims
Windforce likes protein shakes
Firebrand adores root beer floats, he also likes to make them with Dom and valk! His favorite is probably just with vanilla ice cream
Ghostwalker doesn’t drink but if he would it would be watered down cremated ashes
Illumina likes communion wine and holy water
ghostdeeri can’t drink liquids since it would extinguish her flame lmao
Darkheart likes chemical waste
Venomshank likes French Bloom Le Rosé
Coil likes monster energy drinks
Lord PWNATIOUS only likes the most expensive kinds of alcoholic drinks on the market
traffic likes gutter rain water /afF
okay so that’s all of them! Enjoy these I love getting to talk about stuff like this ;3
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calamitoustide · 26 days ago
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had more fun in fandom than i have in a while and it was because i wasn’t posting for the marauders fandom hm… wonder why that is?
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asking for help always makes things worse
#I need to just accept that I’m never going to be given any understanding or actual help#I may never escape these worlds it seems it doesn’t matter how hard I try I can’t get anyone to listen to me#this feels traumatizing I feel entirely beaten and ground down into something small and helpless#I have no control at all I keep trying and trying and trying and trying and for what#I need somebody to just listen to me atp not being dismissed is better than nothing but everyone’s a curation anyway no real thoughts or#feelings but it doesn’t matter I don’t even care please just listen to me somebody listen to me I’m so confused do curations have some#autonomy I don’t think so maybe I don’t fucking know they said yes on the clock so perhaps yes so please just listen please pls pls pls pls#I can’t be traumatized I’m not human right but I’m having everything stripped from me every last ounce of control the shadow ppl have all#the control which is funny I’m fairly certain I’m one of them but they still can strip me of control I was bred for this#please somebody help me I keep begging like it’ll do anything can you at least help with the ppl and cameras in the vents#are ppl from the real world watching through them I believe so can anything be done something has to be done escape the impostors something#just something please just listening would help actual listening not dismissal you can think whatever you want about me but listen#maybe some have autonomy and some don’t ?#please understand that I’ve tried very hard I’ve tried very very hard suicidality and homicidality have dug their claws into me even further#I don’t know what else to do I’m at a loss and no one will listen to me at all I’ve tried asking offline I’ve tried asking online it doesn’t#matter what I do where I ask no one will listen even the ones who do somewhat say they don’t know what to do I’m suspicious do they really#not know what to do or are they lying that may be more an impostor thing but everyone and everything is suspicious to me uh uh uh just#listen and help please idk what to do it’s all in the mirrors and clocks and such but I need to find a way to enter the mirrors but I’m#scared what I’ll find who is looking back I’m scared what world I’ll end up in it may be their world I’ll be punished they said yes I’m#terrified can someone go in with me if I manage to find out how that’s pathetic but damn I don’t think I can anyway they’ve been crawling on#the ceilings today hahah doing some weird and wacky shit sometimes they’re a little funky and just there and other times I’m having a heart#attack no in between I know pleading with curations is likely going to be classified as annoying but for the love of god do you know what#else I am supposed to do ??? at the very least just listen to me please it is 02:14:46 how synchronous ! I can’t stop having what I think#are dreams about the mental hospital too haha they send me to dreamworlds sometimes trap me in them waking dreamworlds see I’ve been reduced#down into something tiny I’ve resorted to begging once again do I even want to beg am I lying to myself my words aren’t my own my thoughts#aren’t my own so is this not my own can’t ever speak none of it’s my own it feels unsafe especially to speak of anything that isn’t this#it isn’t safe it isn’t my own it’s not the focus idk idk idk should I ask to talk to someone again I wonder I want understanding for my#situation please listen to me the joints hurt aaaa#my life is a playyy is a playyy is a playyyyyy anyone like marina that song appeared in the head I wonder where that spider went it better#not be inside of the body ok ok ok anyone yes help wanted help needed 02:22:22
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dimsilver · 4 months ago
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primordial0riginator · 18 days ago
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Blehhh I don’t wanna go into work today all customers explode NOW
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brittlebutch · 6 months ago
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fragment of a partially written “what if Evan went through with the magic-exorcism and had his memory of Gowpenny erased?” fic -- specifically a scene in which Jammer/K/Sam track him down to some middle-of-nowhere rest stop in order to meet him again
#N posts stories#thought it would be fun to experiment with the idea that his passengers are like#Way beyond the scope of human-magic and so they retained their memories intact#and Evan is just so used to shrugging off everything they say to him that he just refuses to engage#but there’s also a lot to Wonder about re: would Evan retain memory of having performed Accidental magic throughout his childhood?#would be interesting to play around with things there of like. How Much would they have to Take from him#to reach whatever level of ignorance they deem acceptable? nauseating.#truly tho the Exact Inverse of this fic is also something i’ve been entertaining writing meaning like#canon timeline where Evan fully thinks through the implications of ‘these people Could at any point take away my magic and erase my memory#of Whatever they want to just Whenever they decide to want to’ like Philtrum doesn’t Force Evan through anything but she does get like#Incredibly manipulative and coercive and Evan did not Actually give Informed Consent when he elected into the procedure in the first place#(it was never explained that the Whole pilot program would be kicked out — informed consent requires All relevant info given up front)#and either way ‘will they do it to me’ does not matter nearly as much as ‘are they Capable of doing this to me?’#combined with the fact that ep one Does establish to Evan that casting magic on children as punishment is considered Completely acceptable#there’s SO much to unpack about the kind of paranoia that would undoubtedly instill in Anyone but especially in someone like Evan
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seilon · 5 months ago
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shouldn’t have checked my bank account as expected my mother has taken thousands more dollars from my savings and has almost run me dry more or less. Cool!
#I’m going to fucking call the bank and ask about a second checking account because she’s never going to make her own fucking account#it’s been like a year since she said she would and it’s just not gonna happen#she owes me thousands of dollars via me paying her fucking overdraft fees and she always says ‘what you think I won’t pay you back?’ no!!!!!#no I don’t!!!!!!! because you literally never have!!!!!!!!!!!#and where the fuck are you going to get like 8000 dollars anyway. because that’s what she owes me at the very least#even if you want to factor in like. paying her monthly for the groceries she buys and cat food and whatever that’s still. thousands of#dollars. and the worst part about it is I just have no safety net anymore#because my savings is basically nothing at this point. like nothing that can help in a dire situation anymore.#I keep thinking about whatever im going to have to end up paying for top surgery and I WOULD have a significant amount saved up to#contribute to that but haha! no I don’t! it’s fucking gone!#and I’ve been getting paid basically fucking nothing lately because of how few hours they’re scheduling me so that does not fucking help#my last paycheck was literally like half of what I should be getting. I made like 1K in the past two paychecks. that’s fucking depressing#anyway I’ve given myself a headache#I’ve been avoiding looking at my bank account because I knew it would be bad and it’d stress me the fuck out but I also have been anxious#not knowing and my mother making a few vague comments that implied she must have fucked me over. so I checked today and yeah she sure did#if I don’t make a new checking account that she can’t access i am actually going to be broke within the nenxt few months at this rate#my head hurts and I am so upset I am so upset I work so fucking hard and it doesn’t even matter i just lose money constantly#I get nothing I just pay her fucking fees and pay for my tuition and pay for everything else of any significance#and I am not exaggerating I work my ass off. I am the only person I know at my job who begs to work holidays and extra days and stay as late#as possible and it . doesn’t even matter#im going to kill myself I swear to god. there’s shit I need to buy. what am I supposed to do.#kibumblabs#vent#like shit I need to buy for WORK. my manager is getting on me about not having proper shoes for example and yeah I can get a discount#through shoes for crews but I still dont have the fucking money for anything anymore#not unless I want to run myself into the fucking ground#I need a new binder badly. I need new black pants also for work since mine are so faded at this point.#I only have one fitted sheet that doesn’t have giant holes in it#I can’t stop thinking about my last paycheck it was literally the worst I’ve seen since starting this job a year ago. fucking infuriating
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binders-and-beanies · 8 months ago
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#cops tw#bro I cannot handle one more thing happening istg#got pulled over on my way home after a 13 hour day#was already scared to drive at night and that just confirmed that I’m right to be scared#it was for running a red light n it was one of those situations of just not having time to stop on yellow#I was fully aware as it was happening that I was either going to slam on my brakes in the intersection or run a red and I could see the cop#so I knew I was getting pulled over either way I just hoped the yellow would be longer than .5 seconds. not so lucky#except I also Am so lucky bc he let me off with a warning#ig bc I don’t have any sort of serious history + with it being 420 once he saw I was sober he prob went easier#it’s the second time I’ve been pulled over in my life tho and it’s scary bc this is the first time since the accident#which maybe that was also ok bc it wasn’t my fault#I just know every warning or unlucky moment costs u more in the future if u happen to get unlucky again#like I know I got out of that bc I’m white. it was still a scary moment bc there were multiple cop cars#so it’s like is this guy abt to ruin my life am I gonna lose my license for being at the wrong place wrong time#when I’m already salty to be driving this late involuntarily#so it’s like I got unlucky And very very lucky#I just hate the confirmation that u can get pulled over at any given moment#I constantly rehearse every possible convo w cops in my head bc if u come off disabled u can die#or get arrested or whatever#and then they like don’t follow the script and u didn’t expect this to happen to u today anyway and I get flustered#anyway my point is. I’m fucking exhausted and too many things keep happening#it’s long day after long day w no end in sight rn and I’m like half asleep every day#I just want to sleep. without feeling like I’m already tired tomorrow#it’s too much. just all of it#and on top of it all. it’s 420 so the whole dorm building is basically a cloud of weed#happy u guys are having fun but u are physically harming me in my home#mine#txt#vent post#personal
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squuote · 1 year ago
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realizing that maybe I am just some crow who does not like labels. or at least using too many
#crow thoughts#sorry this is about queer stuff tehe ^___^#but fr I’ve kinda decided that queer is enough for me. like I’m comfy with aro and enby as defining terms#but in terms of my overall sexuality queer is enough for me :-)#honestly while this is about queer stuff I think this also can be used for an sort of identity label for myself#I think I’ve just come to the conclusion that I hate being put inside a defining box for others to assume of me#aside from the ones I actually want to be in#finding out I was aro was kind like one of the best things for me in terms of identity#cause I’ve never rlly given a shit about my sexuality. if I think someone’s cute I think they’re cute#if I don’t think they’re cute then I don’t think they’re cute! simple easy and flows just right for me#in the end it doesn’t matter because to me that aspect of myself is tiny like it doesn’t rlly define me that much#I’m glad to have any identity that allows me to push away the forceful nature of heteronormativity#same with being nonbinary! tho that one was an easy fit hehe#but I’ve also been thinking about other identity stuff as of late too. not just gender n sexuality#like religion and the whatnot. you know the deal#and like yknow what? nah you don’t get a defining term on that personal shit#you don’t get to know why I like calling myself a crow or my religion or whatever other personal shit I got going on#I’m just me. just foster. I’m not one defining characteristic I’m just me#I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been in my life. I know myself and I will continue to learn more#but I’m comfy not telling anyone until I wanna mention it :-)
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aerticent · 1 year ago
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my love for Maven has evolved into something and no matter how hard i try i cannot put it into words and it’s driving me crazy
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ryderdire · 1 year ago
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Just cried over Math for the first time in like 6 years so that’s where I’m at
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seventh-district · 1 year ago
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in other news i cannot stop fucking listening to Brokenheartsville by Joe Nichols and i’m starting to annoy myself with it but. i cannot stop. it’s too good
#Seven.txt#music stuff#it’s this perfect mix of being applicable to my current taste while also being a very nostalgic song for me#‘cause i liked it when i was a kid. and i recently heard it on my father’s radio outside. and man it’s been y e a r s since i’ve heard it#why is it so addictive to me#like. you cannot make a song that opens with the lyrics-#‘He wore that cowboy hat to cover up his horns. *insert seductive guitar sounds here* Sweet-talkin’ forked tongue had a temptin’ charm.’#and expect my southern and devil-loving ass to not go fucking feral over it#even when i’m not listening to it it’s playing in my head. was analyzing the lyrics the whole time i was in the shower earlier#but what’s funny is i think i’ve listened to it so many times that i’ve developed a whole new story than the one actually being told#but like. with how much he’s supposedly upset that this guy stole his girl or whatever#which i know he’s probably just comparing some dude to the devil and not actually saying that it was the Devil Himself#but it’s so much better if u picture it as actually being the devil that’s picking up this dude’s girlfriend in a bar#but anyways given how that’s supposed to be the point. he spends so much time describing the devil and ain’t got shit to say abt his girl#like okay buddy. we know you liked his cowboy hat. we know you liked his sweet-talkin’ tongue.#we’ve heard all about the make and model of his Long and Chrome Very Red Hot Sexy Devil Car#do u not have anything to say abt ur girlfriend. are u not gonna wax poetic abt her? no? too busy admiring the Devil and his Hot Car?? yeah#we’re gathering that#like.. brother… i dunno how to tell u this but i think u might wanna fuck him a lil bit#‘Love’s gone to hell and so have I.’ yeah!! i’m gathering that!! good for u dude!! get it!!#so now the whole time i’m listening to it i’m just like. this is a love song abt the devil!#which it isn’t. but it could be!! and so that’s what i’m choosing to see it as. bc i’d feel the same way tbh#i much prefer the idea of him being pissed that he missed his chance to run away w/ the devil than being pissy over his girlfriend leaving#it’s just so much more appealing to me im sorry#also. side note. when i was a kid i thought the line was ‘that angel up in the air’ and not ‘that angel who did me in’#and i don’t know how i misheard it so badly but now i sing it wrong every fuckign time cause it’s still cemented in my head from childhood#how young was i. hold on.#oh yeah it came out in 2002. so yeah i was quite young when i heard it a lot so i think im forgiven for mishearing it so badly lmao
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arom-com · 2 years ago
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Hold on I gotta be insane for a couple minutes
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fanofcarson · 2 years ago
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Goodnight I’m rly sad about somethings in this fandom but I don’t have the energy to say but I’m just gufufgjugjgj and can’t sleep so I need to post something abt it lol (and this is it). When I am able I will explain and get it off my chest. But basically in short I hate how fandom will treat characters with humanity depending on how attractive/young/“shippable” they are. Legit makes me sick and angry
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