#not having a great day tbh | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

mulders-too-large-shirt · 1 month ago

Text

s5 episode 12 thoughts

oh man. i think i’ve heard that this episode is a favorite among the fans. i also think that scully hooks up with a vampire in this one? because that got brought up in that one post i made about 3 a while back. curious to see if i misinterpreted that comment or if this is actually going to happen.

well! no time like now to find out!

the description mentions recounting their version of events… i LOVED that part of jose chung, so i really cannot wait to see what happens here :D

post episode note: not sure if there has ever been a lower words to "LMAOOO" ratio in my note taking history, so i will do my best to make this comprehensible, but i had so much fun watching this :D

man, i'll need to remake my top episodes list at some point... but it might stretch into top 20 or 25!!!

ohh, i wonder what the top 20 most beloved episodes by the whole fandom are...?

we begin with some very dramatic spooky music as this kid runs around in texas, calling for help, followed by someone who is very very fast!!! this guy is going to kill this poor kid!!!! why is he running into the woods??? not a great place to go when you need to escape someone!!!

bigger guy is on top of the little one and OH!! he shoves a stake through his heart!!

IT’S MULDER DOING THE STAKING??

scully finds him over the body of the dead kid… and the kid has fangs!!!! BUT THEY’RE FAKE!!!

DID MULDER JUST KILL THIS KID????????

WHAT THE FUUUCK?!?! WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE

my face at this exact moment:😳😳😳

the intro was shortened... I ALWAYS NOTICE

okay, so now mulder is at his desk. scully walks in looking very very very tense. as if he just killed a child, perhaps. she carefully sits down.

“mulder…” “don’t. don’t even start with me” LMAO WHAT??? she is gagged and also making the same face as me 😳😳

(i couldn't tell what the tone of this episode was at the time, but now that i think about "don't. don't even start with me" i am CACKLING)

he throws a paper into his garbage can, which is surrounded by other thrown papers, and then starts KICKING IT??? she’s watching with a very “wtf” expression going on

IT’S TOO EARLY FOR ME TO FIGURE OUT THE TONE HERE, WTF

he is defeating the evil of that trash can, though.

ohhh no, skinner wants their report in ONE HOUR!!! scully is trying to be very pragmatic here.

they both clarify that they are going to say exactly what they saw, but he says “i got to know if you’re going to back me up or what” because he’s the one that might be going to prison!!! no pressure.

she adjusts her sitting position angrily: “first of all, if the family of ronnie strickland does indeed decide to sue the FBI for, i think the figure is $446 million, then you and i will most certainly be codefendants. and second of all… i don’t even HAVE a second of all, mulder” <- LMAOOO i’m HOWLING! SHE’S AT A LOSS FOR WORDS. JUST FILLED WITH FURY

“i’m in this as deep as you are, and i’m not even the one that overreacted!! i didn’t do the… with the thing!!” <- SHE CANNOT EVEN SAY IT, SHE CAN ONLY MAKE VAGUE GESTURES BAHAHAAA

he says that she needs to tell her story the way she saw it… and she replies that she doesn’t feel comfortable with that (queen of expressing boundaries!)

however, mulder counters that they’re facing the threat of prison, and that scully's cellmate will be named "large marge" and read lots of gertrude stein (oh god. that’s out of pocket, mulder!)

((this man makes far too many prison assault remarks. i understand that he is in a stressful situation. but still!))

he begins recording her version of the story…

“yesterday morning, when i arrived at work, you were… uh… characteristically exuberant” <- i’m crying, that is SUCH a perfect description of him. i have half a mind to change my url to that. but surely it has already been taken.

"HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR COWBOY BOOTS! YEEHAW", he says, slamming down plane tickets to texas on the desk <- LMAOOOOO she remembers him as a nonstop yapper, which is mostly accurate

(absolutely crying at the yeehaw in retrospect)

he won’t shut up or let her talk, he's too locked into these images of dead cows LMAOO “is there any sign of-" “two small puncture wounds in the neck?” “that’s not what i was going to ask” “too bad, we’ve got ‘em” <- i am actually giggling at this. she sees him as constantly over-caffeinated, and i love that

NOT THE CHUPACABRA SLANDER LMAOO “no, they got four fangs, not two, and they suck goats, hence the name” <- YOU TELL HER MULDER ‼️

(that episode is one of the worst, so i think the combination of light acknowledgement of that fact and allowing mulder to flex his encyclopedic memory of cryptids with the manner of a child who got into way too much sugar is frankly iconic)

and he casually adds there is one dead human, prompting her outraged “well why the hell didn’t you tell me that from the beginning?” but he’s already out the door LMAOOO

okay, i cannot stop laughing even though this episode may be about mulder murdering a child. such is the nature of this TV program.

they’re going to investigate the body deep in the heart of texas… and is that romantic music playing when this sheriff hartwell enters??? and she remembers mulder SNAPPING at her while he introduces them as if he cannot remember her name!!

(as if mulder could forget her name... scully i'm calling your bias out there)

mulder tells her to "MOVE YOUR LITTLE LEGS" LMAOOO???

now the sheriff and her are very close as he eagerly agrees to all of her ideas (that the killer was not a real vampire, but someone so obsessed with vampire movies that he wished to emulate them) and mulder watches, suspiciously

LMAOOOO MULDER CALLS HER STORY OUT BACK IN THE PRESENT WHEN SHE SAYS THE SHERIFF USED HER NAME “dana?!?! he never even knew your first name!” (angry scully look) “you going to interrupt me, or what?” “no, go ahead… dana”

(saw a post the other day that was like "they get to call each other dana or fox once each calendar year" and it's so true because it sounds so wrong when he says it in this context)

this point is where mulder makes his discovery: the dead man’s SHOES are UNTIED!

yeah, idk what that means either.

SHE KEEPS SMILING AT THIS SHERIFF HARTWELL LMAO. DOWN BAAAD.

mulder is pondering… “sheriff, do you have an old cemetery in town, off the beaten path, the creepier the better?”

it is so funny to think that all of these events are through the lens of scully's mind because she sees him as so fucking weird and spooky. both of which are true.

LMAOOO mulder says she must do a full autopsy! “what am i even looking for?” (he grabs her shoulders and leans in) “i don’t know”

LMAOOOO okay, so back before i even thought about watching this show, i saw that gifset on my main and i reblogged it with the caption “man. i’m going to have to watch this show, aren’t i?”, and here we are. so this feels very full circle to have finally seen it

poor scully has had an autopsy thrust upon her :(

scully is totally smitten with this guy though, oh my god…..

(i truly cannot figure out her type. mulder, jerse, esther, and this guy? what is the common ground?! between mulder and esther there was the whole "incredibly intelligent" thing, but the other two?? just like?? dark hair?? idk!)

autopsy time… she's talking into her little voice recorder about the dead man “who is arguably having a worse time in texas than i am. although not by much” LMAOOO

(i wonder if she really did get that candid in her recording, or if she is just being dramatic in her retelling of the tale. i assume she only records herself for the sake of writing the reports, so maybe she is free to say whatever it is that crosses her mind, in which case i would like to listen in)

NOOO, her blade falls out before she can begin and she sadly yeehaws

(god. a sad scully yeehaw. i used to pray for days like these)

time to weight all the organs. UGH the intestines are all slippery!!!

he had pizza in his stomach. LMAO THE MUSHROOMS SOUND GOOD TO HER BAHAHA SHE IS SO STRANGE

back to the present moment- our agents can’t agree on the name of the motel they stayed in, which is not promising for the rest of their stories aligning

you can put two quarters in the bed and make it jiggle? this is news to me! and this is just what scully does!

an angry and dirty mulder appears just as she begins this process!

ohhh, the dead guy had lots of sleeping drugs in his system… and her voice is all funny because she is jiggling while she says this… she thinks the “vampire” gave the guy the drugs. meanwhile, mulder is not elaborating on his very dirty appearance!

NOOOO there’s another dead tourist and she has to do another autopsy!!! “i just put money in the magic fingers :(“ AWWW POOR SCULLY

(why couldn't that wait until tomorrow!?!!)

he says he won’t let it go to waste and IS HE GOING TO CLIMB IN ALL DIRTY??? LMAOO NOOOO

the subtitles point out that he is “laughing mischievously” which escalated to “cackling”… what is this man planning!!! he takes pleasure in dirtying her jiggling bed!!

(regardless of the accuracy of if it really happened in such a manner, it’s sad to see how taken advantage of scully feels by him 🙁)

she sadly leaves after telling him not to get mud everywhere

NOOOO the pizza guy just got there :( BAHAHA she wanted pizza after autopsying that guy… well she is going to make “the guy in there” pay for it. serves him right!!!

OH! the pizza guy is the vampire kid!!!!!!!

she’s soooo sleepy as she does the second autopsy…. ANOTHER NASTY SLIPPERY LARGE INTESTINE

she is going to fall asleep like this!!!!!!

then she gets a phone call that is just heavy breathing. so she hangs tf up!!!

this dead guy has pizza in him too!!!! OH.... she realizes the chloral hydrate must be in the pizza!! and it must be the pizza guy who is the killer!! and oh no, mulder!!!

scully bangs down the door to her motel room and mulder isn’t visible…. just the creepy pizza kid!!!! she fires a bunch of shots at him, but he runs away!!

so mulder was drugged… and he says some very weird stuff about "shaft" that i don’t wish to unpack. hearing of this makes present mulder gasp and exclaim “i did not!” and yeah, i don’t even want to know <3

(a lot of times i google stuff i don’t understand due to not being alive in the 90’s. this one? i shall not google it. i am not a fool. i recoginzed Enough of those words to know i don't need to know)

she missed the pizza kid with her first four shots which is rare for her, ran after him, leaving poor drugged mulder behind, but somehow, mulder caught the kid before she did, where he... “overreacted”

damn. he's a track star even when drugged.

she argues that they can tell skinner they caught a killer, and that mulder's zeal was due to the drugging, which i think is a fine story.

but mulder is pissed! “you are afraid to tell the truth. that’s not the way it happened at all!” OHHH, I CANNOT WAIT TO GET HIS VIEW

“yesterday morning began like any other morning; you arrived at the office, characteristically less than exuberant” LMAOOOOOO BE NICE TO HER!!!

he remembers his explanations being very slow and gentle and her reactions being very sassy AND I’M LAUGHING AT HER “AND?” LMAOOOOO

she’s just LOOKING AT HIM and he doesn’t know wtf to do BAHAHA AND HE IS SOOO CAREFUL TO USE “APPARENTLY” and “VAMPIRE-LIKE” IN HIS DESCRIPTIONS OF THE ATTACKS LMAOOOO

he ends his very cautious assessment that this attack was "vampire-like" in nature by telling her “but as always, i’m very eager to hear your opinion” <- THAT DID NOT HAPPEN YOU LYING BASTARD!! YOU HAVE NEVER SAID THAT ONCE LMAOOOO

“well it’s obviously not a vampire” “well, why not?” “because they don’t exist?” <- BAHAHA that is ANOTHER GIFSET I SAW BEFORE I DECIDED TO WATCH THIS SHOW!! oh man, so this one really must be a fan favorite if i saw two scenes from it before i even started watching

“well… that’s one opinion, and i respect that” <- BAHAHAHAAAA YOU LIAR!!!

so they go down to the funeral home where he points out the plentiful caskets- unusual for such a small town. scully had tuned out at this point. and you know what? can you blame her?

HE REMEMBERS THE SHERIFF AS HAVING HUGE BUCK TEETH THAT MAKES HIM HARD TO UNDERSTAND which present scully DENIES bahaha ohhh he’s jealous and she is gaaazing at sheriff hartwell and smiling and oh my god, mulder is so jealous

he’s monologing on the nature of vampires but scully shoots this down

“there are as many kinds of vampires as there are cultures that fear them” <- ohhh nerd. NERD!!! nerdy thing to say.

she’s yawning as he talks about red hair being an indication of vampirism, gesturing to her, which happened in an AU fic i actually did briefly read once and would like to see explored in greater detail. i'm a sucker for fic or art with the "skeptic is actually a monster" trope

he is now at the cemetery with the sheriff, whose country accent has increased greatly between the agent's perspectives

cemeteries are a haven for vampires, “as are castles, catacombs, and swamps”, mulder points out, and i'm writing that down ✍️

he remembers this sheriff as being incredibly stupid. ohhh, the pizza guy pulls up at the cemetery!!! he waves hello and then drives off.

so they staked out the cemetery. fun times.

she wants to know why he cared so much about the corpse’s shoelaces, but he just looks at his OWN shoes lmaooo and says he’s getting to it

he was leaving sunflower seeds for the vampires at the cemetery, because all vampires are obsessive compulsive. they must untie knots and count seeds. which is why he thinks the shoelaces were untied. fascinating bit of vampire lore.

but they must go to the RV camp, where there is a situation. ronnie the pizza guy is here!! there’s an RV that’s spinning around.

mulder doesn’t want to talk about shooting out the tires... what is this man HIDING!!

well, it turns out it is very hard to shoot the tires of a moving RV... so HE GRABBED ON THE BACK AND WAS SPUN AROUND IN CIRCLES BAHAHA WHYYYYY WAS THAT HIS NEXT COURSE OF ACTION?!?!?

finally, they manage to stop the damn thing. and inside the RV was a dead guy!!!! with puncture marks on his neck and untied shoes!!! gasp!!

when he returns back to the motel, he remembers scully yelling at him because she has to do another autopsy, saying “i do it all for you, mulder!” (which is CRAZY!) and that she hasn’t eaten since 6 that morning, and she only had a bagel, and it wasn’t even REAL CREAM CHEESE!!!

listen!! can you blame her for being furious?? she just paid for the magic fingers!!!

he remembers her leaving as being a great relief, and her SLAMMING THE DOOR SO HARD THE PAINTING SHOOK ON THE WALL BAHAHAHA

aww, he sees himself as the poor little victim…. bro. you MAY have had it rough with getting dragged around by an RV, but in her defense 1. that was your faulty idea and 2. it probably was still not as bad as having to do 2 autopsies on an empty stomach

he goes to get in the shower. ohhh hello. that is a man who is emerging scantily clad.

now ronnie the pizza guy is here, and mulder is saying that he will pay for the tasty food. not knowing it contains the sleepy stuff!

he opens up the pizza and sighs with relief: “ah, scully” <- oh, so you think she has good taste in pizza toppings? that’s hilarious

“so, i ate your dinner” <- okay, well at least he’s honest about that!! a grown man on the vibrating bed, noticing his shoes were untied…. and the drugging is taking place!! this is instant karma for such a pizza thief!!

he tries to call scully, but only groans into the phone…. then ronnie returns

BAHAHA he recalls scully calling the voice on the phone a creep <- well, you can’t really blame her!!!!!!

ronnie is here, and his eyes glow and he has fangs… but the inebriated mulder manages to toss his sunflower seeds on the ground, thwarting ronnie the vampire slash pizza guy's plan!! which prompts him to say “aw man!” (LMAOOOOO) and then mulder's back out in sleepy land…

when he comes to, scully is bursting in the door, and she shot ronnie TWO TIMES IN THE CHEST!!! to no effect!!!

scully is shocked at this recollection: “and then he sort of flew at me like a flying squirrel?” BAHAHA

so, she runs after ronnie into the woods, while mulder breaks a chair leg to make a stake… and bam. the "overreaction".

scully points out that no one will believe that story, but he says they will have to when they examine ronnie’s body

(i think it's very funny/sweet that scully does not remember being able to shoot ronnie, but mulder remembers her aim being perfect and that it was simply ineffective because you cannot kill vampires with bullets. not sure whose perspective is the objective truth, but it's adorable he remembers her being a great aim)

someone else is examining ronnie now. what shall he find??? bleh, he takes the stake out! nasty nasty!!! what if ronnie gets up and runs away??

OH RONNIE *IS* GETTING UP!!!! and his eyes are set on this coroner!!!! he attacks!!!

poor scully and mulder are waiting for skinner… she tries for fix his tie, but he shoos her away!!! so rude!!! there is no gesture more loving than the adjustment of a necktie!!

she asks him to keep reminding skinner that he was drugged, which ALSO pisses mulder off. BUT IS SHE WRONG??? IT WILL GO A LONG WAY!!

THEN WHEN SKINNER COMES IN HE STANDS STRAIGHT UP AND ANNOUNCES “I WAS DRUGGED” <- LMAOOOOOO

(i laughed so hard at this that i accidentally hit the pause button, and i’m looking at mulder's expression and scully watching him, and there are TEARS in my eyes)

skinner sighs deeply…. and says they have to go back to texas!! ronnie’s body is gone, and the coroner was attacked!! his throat was “sort of… gnawed on” LMAO?????

“but… he was dead” “i noticed that” (mulder is doing his slutty hands on hips while thinking pose)

so they’re back out to the yeehaw cemetery. why would a real vampire need fake fangs? well, mulder answers, the fangs of vampires are rarely mentioned in folklore!

“i think maybe you were right before when you said that this is just a guy who’s watched too many dracula movies. he just happens to be a real vampire” <- BAHAHAAAA I SMACKED MY CHEST I LAUGHED SO HARD AT THIS

scully sighs deeply. average scully reaction.

the sheriff pulls up!!! she turns to him and points at her teeth, indicating that to mulder that his teeth are NORMAL LMAO

GASP... HE LEAVES AND SAYS THE SHERIFF SHOULD STAY WITH HER… THEN HE PUTS HIS HAND ON HER SHOULDER AND SAYS “don’t say i never did anything for you” OH MY GOD?

mulder was so jealous before and now he is leaving her with this man... what does this say about him!!!

he’s off to the RV park, and scully is here to share some coffee with this sheriff.

woah, he asks her about vampires….. and she says they’re supposed to be charming and seductive, but who is to say if that is the case? after all, there are many kinds of vampires. wait. why did he say “yup, sure are” I DON’T LIKE THAT!!

HE APOLOGIZES FOR RONNIE AND SAYS HE MAKES US ALL LOOK BAD? “i mean, we pay taxes, we’re good neighbors” OMG LOOK AT HER FACE WHEN SHE REALIZES WHAT HE MEANS!?!

NOOO, SHE DRANK THE COFFEE HE GAVE HER, AND NOW SHE’S PASSING OUT!!! DON’T TOUCH HER, CREEPY SHERIFF MAN WITH NOW-GLOWING EYES!!!!!

mulder is at this RV park far away!!! run, run back to her!!!! she is going to be out of blood by the time you return!!!

he goes into the RV from earlier and finds more pizza… and a casket!!! with ronnie inside!!! listening to a walkman!!

he sits on his coffin as he reads ronnie his miranda rights…. but the whole RV park is full of vampires and they are coming to get him!!!

so he handcuffs the coffin shut, grabs some breadsticks, makes a crucifix, trying to repel them…. which is objectively hilarious... but they take him????? TO DO WHAT???

and he’s found the next morning with his feet out the window of a car. AND WHY IS SHE IN THE SHERIFF’S JACKET??

he checks her neck and his own for fang marks, but they don’t seem to have any. they just have no memories at all from the evening before!!! and every single RV is gone!!! and mulder's shoes are untied!!!

skinner is being told that the vampires simply disappeared

“and that’s exactly the way it happened, start to finish?”

(silence) “well, i can neither confirm nor deny agent mulder’s version of events, which occurred outside my presence” “and i can neither confirm nor deny agent scully’s version of events, but, um…” “anyway, i was drugged” (LMAO SCULLLLYY) “that is…. essentially, exactly the way it happened” “essentially”

we fade to black with this. (“except for the part about the buck teeth”, adds mulder)

LMAOOOO??? that was it???

no answer. no convictions. the vampires all just left.

someone else recently pointed out that despite them never figuring out wtf happened on these cases, they somehow have the highest success rate at the FBI, and that is so funny because. by jove. the other FBI members must be terrible at their jobs.

okay, so i could not stop laughing during this episode, and the sheriff plot twist really surprised me. so she never actually *slept* with the vampire, she just had a little crush on him!!! therefore, i must have misinterpreted that comment someone made on my post waaayyy back in s2.

but he *did* drug her, and she woke up in his jacket, which has… implications, especially when we earlier opened with a prison assault joke.

but. okay. maybe i’m just hyper-sensitive to these things and it didn’t intend to be interpreted that way. plus, mulder was drugged too, and also woke up with no memory of what went down. at least there's gender equality in that regard.

ohhh, mulder was jealous!!! they both think of the other as too harsh!!! it’s fascinating to see how they see each other!!! he thinks he’s this suave encyclopedia of vampire knowledge, and she thinks he’s the type of guy that slaps down plane tickets on the desk and says yeehaw!

she thinks she’s overworked and taken advantage of, and he thinks she’s overly negative and hates all of his theories and ideas!!!

oh, the joys and sorrows of being with someone 24/7. and yet. the absolute MINUTE she leaves for vacation. he’s blowing up her phone. bahahahaaaa. couple’s therapy now.

i remember someone pointed out in 3x13 that it was almost like the writers were trying to prove why they would never make a good couple in the way they got along horrifically when mercury was in retrograde or whatnot. i feel like maybe the writers intended for that to happen again this episode, like they were pointing at them and saying "SEE? this is why they can't kiss! they get on each other's nerves!"

joke's on you, i love couples that annoy each other. so jot that down.

oh, it was a good episode. a nice little silly one. which we all deserved after last season, and frankly even after earlier in this season as well.

mulder: let her fix your tie >:(

#after alllll of s4 they said “we need to do a few silly ones” and thank god for that tbh.#these last 3 episodes were such a great run. i am curious to see where we will go next #also curious that this season has fewer episodes! but the movie comes next right? so i guess that makes up for it. maybe.#oh poor scully doing two autopsies in one day. why couldn't it have waited until the next morning? there's no good reason!#but in the end it saved her from being drugged twice. so that was a good thing.#i hope they went and got a nice and non-drugged pizza after this. and it was big so they could share it and get fun toppings.#the end!#juni's x files liveblog #5x12 #the x files #txf

23 notes · View notes