#not good to cry this early in the day
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Set my alarm for 8:40, woke up at 7:10, the pre-race fear is real
#ah i did not get much sleep I think#im also in a bad mood bcs of other things#and like you know when you lay in bed trying to sleep#but youre upset so your brain cant stop going on this ever present monolog about why you're upset and how bad it is#and so you just lay there and you feel more upset#so yeah even if i wanted more sleep my brain is not being nice so id rather just wake up#not good to cry this early in the day#ANYWAYS HAHAHAHA#race day am i right#i dont know whats gonna happen.....#catie.rambling.txt
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bunch of portraits
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#yuji itadori#ryomen sukuna#megumi fushiguro#gojo satoru#nanami kento#choso kamo#nobara kugisaki#yuta okkotsu#fanart#crying im so tired....#busts aren't hard on their own but 8 of them ???#i should have stuck at 6 if i knew what was good fr me#but lucky fr choso n yuuta enjoyers i dont know whats good fr me and tacked on the extra 2 last minute#i did a bust piece waaay back in 2020 early jjk days and it was this crowd minus choso/yuuta so i wanted to like. do a kind of redraw#im happy choso n yuuta made the cut tho they r fun they look as tired as i feel#i've been having a lot of fun w the more semirealistic skin render so i wanted to stretch those muscles a bit more#took the better part of 3 days but u know i'm pretty happy w these i dont think i have a hard least favourite#fun game guess my favourite characters based on how i draw them it is Glaringly obvious 2 me#ik i said i dont have a least favourite but i certainly have A Favourite#uhhhh misc notes i tried rly hard to make sukuna's face look like yuuji's and only rly change the expression#i think i was successful??? i hope?????? like i didnt want to make him look like his own person as bad as that sounds#he is Wearing Yuuji that is Yuuji's Face#also i rly . wish there were more women . but as much as i like maki as a character i fr some reason don't find drawing her very fun ?#so nobara out here pulling her weight fr the girls my goat my queen <333
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I'm at that part of chapter three my friends, so let me be a reminder that Colm O'Driscoll's plan to lure in Dutch after taking Arthur failed because nobody came looking for him.
He would have died being held captive any longer, he barely escaped.
The gang did not come for Arthur.
#and it makes me seethe#listen in my first playthrough this was the part I thought Arthur was going to die in#that's how little I knew about this game#I was crying real tears#I was mourning arthur three chapters early lol#and I know I know micah explains himself but god it is not good enough#tilly went missing and they noticed right away#they hadn't seen trelawny in a few days and they went to find him#FUCKING BILL GOES MISSING AFTER BEING TAKEN BY BOUNTY HUNTERS AND THEY NOTICE#I seethe I seethe#Arthur Morgan your own family failed you#I get so caught up in the fun family dynamic that I have to remember that arthur is the “protector”#so who protects the protector? well then this mission tells you everything you need to know#arthur has to save himself because nobody was there for him#and again I know that if the gang knew he was taken they would look#but the fact that hosea said LOUD AND CLEAR that it was a trap and that THEY HAD SAID TO MEET UP IF ANYTHING WENT WRONG#AND THEY STILL DIDN'T LOOK FOR HIM!!!!!!!!#THEY DIDN'T EVEN TRY#ARTHUR WENT MISSING FROM A MISSION THAT WAS CLEARLY A TRAP AND THEY DIDN'T GO LOOKING FOR HIM#FOR THEIR SON#THEIR BROTHER#THEY DIDN'T LOOK!!!!#my blood is boiling#rdr2#red dead redemption 2#mick squeaks#arthur morgan#red dead redemption 2 spoilers#mick rants#colm o'driscoll
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this torture we're going through with the anime must be divine karma for slandering Bones all this time...... they said "oh, you don't like how we adapt things? you say the manga does it better?? okay then, well now there is no more manga. it's Bones or bust, bitches."
#bungou stray dogs#they really said now either you get the story from us or you don't get it at all 😭😭😭😭💀#screaming crying throwing up shaking HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CARRY ON FOR THE NEXT WEEK LIKE EVERYTHING IS NORMAL#NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK 'TWILIGHT FAREWELL' MEANS#NOT EVEN A FULL WEEK BUT FIVE DAYS CAUSE THE PV ALONE WILL END ME#seriously though how can i be okay with getting canon content for the first time in the ANIME#they already do terribly with content that ALREADY EXISTS#HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GETTING /NEW CONTENT/ THROUGH /BONES/#i guess looking at it another way though...... i should be glad if they deliver me some fucking hope a few weeks early#like obviously i'd rather none of this have happened and have gotten to this point in the last episode in the manga first#but since it did turn out this way....... if good things happen i'll take it i can't complain at this point just GIVE ME HOPE#mexican standoff with bones now that there's (basically) no manga content left like 'so it is down to you and it is down to me'#bones at the end of the fucking bsd world: 'never thought i'd be fighting side by side with a bsd anime hater'#me: 'how about side by side with a friend?'#bones: 'aye i can do that'
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depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed
#and wdym that lifestyle changed so quickly into being out and about and an active member of the world??#very proud of myself#and i mean it wasn't that quick of a change#it was like 1.5 years primarily depression bedrotting with occasional school -> primarily depression bedrotting ->#primarily depression bedrotting with 3-9 hours of work weekly -> straight into 31+ hours school+9-12 hours work weekly#so there was somewhat of a gradual progression#but still#also wowza i wake up 7-7:30am every morning now. 1pm was an early wake up for a not so insignificant amount of time#i mean of all fundamental growth years to miss out on the ages like what 12/13-15 aren't too bad? they would suck in a different way if i#had been socially involved#anyway it's just. yea i'm proud of myself but it is a crazy lifestyle change#and even when i was deeply depressed in a horrible routine i feel like i learned a lot. how to regulate my emotions and cope well and find#the joy in everything. bc if i stayed in bed all day then i would at least be happy about the sun or whatever#and for the while of being not at school at all i WANTED to be at school i just could not find one bc our school system is so cute like tha#(basically every school is at capacity and the local school that has a guaranteed place for me would have been an all boys or girls 😭)#but i miraculously found and got into this school and miraculously made it work so well for me socially and now academically#it's also a good time to get back into school for my education bc any later and it woulda been pretty bad for all my certifications and uni#ive missed out on so much maths that its not worth it to me to try and catch up but my teacher knows that#but ive always hated maths regardless i only ever understood it for the first half of yr 7 then my attendance dropped#and after my recent exam i decided to try harder at school. but i still got an A on the exam i didn't study for!! academic weapon fr#i'm just idk thinking back to myself in the past few years#and how hopeless it all felt. but i got out of it!! i beat the depression and social anxiety and found a good place and made the most of it#and during the peak of my depression i remember i went out someplace near my old school and panicked so so badly about seeing#kids from my old school. and the friends at the time didnt really check on me when i went to shake and cry in a side street lmao#i kept the best of that friendgroup and have better friends now. but anyway now i take a bus each morning with some kids from my old school#and you see these hands? they look like they're shaking to you?#anyway yeah it's just cool i got to this point :) i really had no hope for so long but now i have a life i'm living and a future i'm build#--ing towards#which is funny i just decided some random day last november after watching some better call saul 'huh actually lawyer would b pretty cool'#and will i get there? we'll see but i do have hope now
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#it is#WAY TOO EARLY IN THE DAY#to be this anxious#maybe im having a heart attack wnfhejf it fuckign feels like it#its like oops! just woke up!#time for the feeling no one will ever choose you first over anyone else and youll always be second best in life!#what the fuck brain can i have#one good day please#without wanting to cry or feeling like im gonna be stuck forever where i am now#THIS TOO SHALL FUCKING PASS SO HELP ME GOD#BUT IT COULD PASS A LITTLE FASTER YOU KNOW?#caspost#tbd#the cosmic sadness you cannot shake which shapes itself around the belief you are inherently unwanted even though you know logically#it isnt true
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I'd love to hear about the last kind thing a stranger did for you (or someone else).
#I was already crying in the car on the way home from leaving work early#due to what I thought was the start of a weird flu#and am now realizing is probably SSRI withdrawl#and this woman was incredibly road ragey at me in a scary way#I was already upset but it would have been upsetting and alarming on a good day#anyway. I would like to hear about your small good things please.#tam.txt
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they call me the griever because halfway through a thing I enjoy I’m already sad that it’s closer to being over
#blue chatter#trying to work on not doing this#and just enjoying the thing in the moment#this happens to me a lot with school breaks and such#like ‘oh I love being on spring break but I’m sad bc I’m already 3 days in’#‘oh I love summer vacation so far it’s too bad it’s already a month over’#and I’m like NO!!!!! blue!!!!!!!! you’re missing the point!!!!!!!!#you have the joy *right now* and you are SPOILING IT bc you’re too busy looking ahead to when it will be gone!!!!!!!!!#it happens with friend visits a lot. it’s less bad now but it still happens.#like. the first time I visited friends over spring break I woke up in the early morning of the last morning and just cried#because I only had a few hours left before I had to get on the plane home#and I start hurriedly stuffing seconds and minutes into my mouth and refusing to swallow#because maybe if I just cling extra hard then the time won’t pass-#but it does pass. and that’s okay. and I know that’s okay because life had more joyful things after that moment#had I stayed there on that day I would have been frozen as a much more miserable person#my friends themselves would have been very different people#I mean. fuck. between then and now two of us figured out our genders. both of them got married. they moved somewhere else now.#there’s a lot of little joys that got left behind there. a church they loved. a local park. mountains and windy streets.#but I wouldn’t hold ourselves there. which I try to remind myself when I start crying about lost time again#because yeah. this will end someday. human lifespans aren’t infinite.#but the future is full of life I still have to live. there’s no saying that I can’t have good things again.#and this period of my life is rapidly rushing towards a much more uncertain future and I know that and it’s scary#I know I have about 11 months to make several very adult decisions that will determine a lot of my future#but no matter what I choose this period of my life is not wasted#and I don’t need to hurriedly optimize every second and mourn losing them#and I know that. and I still feel sad and mourny. but that might be more indicative that I’m hungry or smth.
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#so i woke up really early#and that was okay cos inwatched avs while i loaded the dishwasher and fed henry (cat not popstar) and washed my face and logged into work#four day weekends are so nice but my bosses emails ugh#i managed to have three meetings#one of which i had to contribute a lot to#and get a ministerial response completed while watching that utterly borked nucks match#and now i am having morning tea and feeling good#ive decided its not too late to plant sweet peas#i couldn't do it cos of surgery but look its still Autumn..#and idk i just feel gd about this week#i am enjoying organising the house in a low pressure way and writing my fic and i see neil on wed#and it is mamas birthday on Saturday so on Friday my sisters and i will have dinner at a nice place by the harbour#near where she wants her ashes scattered under the bridge where you walk round the corner and see soh#and we'll talk about things she would have hated and things she would have loved since she died#and I'll cry into my sydney rock oysters and miss her#but im missing her as i stand in the kitchen typing this waiting for the kettle to boil so you know#silv rambles#sorry i just do this on whichever blog im using the most#block the silv rambles tag if its super annoying
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Yall haha, my dad made it so I have wifi access for one hour a day. which I can use from like 14 to 21 german time. So once my mobile data is dead, I will not be active that much ig. So please dont think I'm abandoning yall.
#vent following#its fucking ridiculous. im not a fucking child. neither is my brother#no idea what my dad wants to achieve through that. “so you can relaxe more” yeah no. being on the internet is my fucking coping mechanism.#there is nothing about relaxation there. also he did that so we'll to go sleep earlier. if it really was about that.#he would need to force me to sleep. you cant just change my sleep schedule by that#anyway its fucking ridiculous as i was on a good way of getting to sleep more early but if imma do that now he will think like#“wow. im such a good dad. i fixed all the problems my child could possibly have.” which is absolutely not the case#yk. ive always fucking struggled with feeling like people cant trust me.#and him not trusting my abilities to be responsible for myself is not helping#and then boom. im feeling shitty but wait haha my coping mechanism is currently set offline.#and like also im in extra stress atm bc school is fucking with me#not only are like a bunch of tests on the way but my fucking anxiety in school is getting so bad.#i cant sit in that facility without feeling like imma have a panic attack any minute#i am in need of fucking professional mental help. and at least one diagnosis. i dont want to do shit to myself.#but in this house hold. emotions are not talked about. feelings are suppressed and mental health is an illusion#i NEED to see a fucking psychiatrist. but i dont feel like i can to my parents about that. and technically i could go without them knowing#but someone needs to educate them. and i mentally cant be that someone#and guess whos sitting in their room crying and writing about that rn. not studying for their tests tomorrow and the day after.#i bet if my parents wouldnt have done that shit with my wifi i would be studying rn#quinns daily yapping post#rather#quinns personal hell
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It's so funny that most people go to me for comfort or advice, but when my mom was on the verge of tears I couldn't begin to think of what to tell her, I just froze
#hateddd it#and my parents are proba gonna fight tonight sooo#I'MMA SLEEP EARLY TO AVOID HEARING ANYTHING 🦅🦅🦅🦅#yeah#also its funny that today i saw both my mother figure (a teacher) and my actual mom cry#ON THE SAME DAY#COULDN'T EVEN BE DAYS APPART#i am having a day#good its almost over
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baby is saying goodbye to his fellow soldiers 🥹
#he’s crying too like seokjin ilysm#good morning???? i woke up early oh my god#fiz pops up#jindependence day
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I love my niece and nephew but my sister literally keeps dumping them with me & expecting me to babysit without paying me despite the fact she has a job, & I'm tired of being treated as free labor for her
#when i asker her if there was anybody else to babysit she said her friend but was like 'but then if i took them there#then I'd have to pay them' (meaning she offhandedly admitted she doesn't believe she should pay me for babysitting all day)#i agreed to ONE day of babysitting & now ive been babysitting since monday from 9 am to 5 pm#& she didnt even tell me about the other days i literally woke up to my nephew crying & my sister gone so she just left him here#without saying anything#tbd#and she STILL never paid me for watching her son all summer 2 years ago despite telling everyone she was going to#she had a job & good money then too she just. decided not to pay me#i also hate 1. waking up early 2. waking up early in the summer 3. babysitting without getting paid 4. doing shit last minute#so this is p much my nightmare to keep waking up early in the summer to babysit all day without being told about plans & without pay
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oh i am on the Brink of a mental breakdown. and like a real one. i am going to feel so so fucking terrible and guilty if i don’t go to the first week of mac rehearsal bc i need to recover but i am also getting the sense that i Need to recover. i have never been this burnt out or genuinely terrified of starting a new semester in my life.
#we go back to campus a week early for mac. to be clear#and god they’ll be long days and they’ll be physically emotionally and mentally draining and i genuinely dont know if i can take that#but i am also going to be missing SO much time. and i won’t be there to support the people who i need to#i have also. been thinking a lot about how i’m scared that i think so much abt death bc i’m gonna be one of those people#who seem even more than everyone else like they have a finite time and then they die young#and then my mom compared me to jonathan larson tonight#so maybe that’s some sort of sign that i need to slow the fuck down#i am crying rn. for myself. which happens about three times a year#and yeah one is usually during winter break so we’re on schedule#i don’t know. idk!! i don’t know what to do here#and i still have to do my fucking scene prep for tomorrow#bc i was talking my mom about it and i really needed support which she was giving and then she has to leave for five seconds#and when she came back the entire conversation was just about her own problems again which we’ve already talked about every fucking night bc#- you can’t leave conversations with her and i hate when she fucking drunks i hate it i hate it#i am Not Well. i’ve sort of been avoiding admitting to myself just how badly#but man. i can push through anything until i drop but when i start wishing that i’ll drop so i have an excuse for a break….. not good#ted talks#the west wing
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#horrible awful no good very bad day#apparently last night the apartment below ours caught fire and we were out of town#and we didnt find out til several hours later from our neighbor who had to track me down on facebook- we didnt hear a thing#from the apartment in any official capacity until like? 10 hours after the fire?#anyway we rushed home supremely early from a friend trip that was like#meant to be very good and fun#anyway so we rush home because no one can tell us if our cats are okay#and they were but our whole apartment is supremely smoky and all of our possessions are extremely smoky#and we cant stay there or let the cats stay there because of the smoke and soot and particles it just doesnt feel safe#so now im in my partners familys house which is like#fine but its full of people and i dont feel fully comfortable and i cant fully relax and and and and and etc etc etc etc#and tomorrow i have to wake up early and go over there and find out what if anything the complex plans to do about it and how long its gonna#be until we can come back safely. or more likely get more noncommittal answers and be unsure#and i dont know how long i can stay here and be normal#AND to top it all off i paid like 60$ to go to an aquarium i didnt even get to go to . but yknow. all of my friends got to !#and like im happy for them but no one was excited as i was and now i get to ruminate on how everyone got to do the fun thing i love#while i was stuck doing 17 loads of laundry and bathing the soot out of my cats fur in someone elses house#certainly it could be worse and im glad my cats are fine and im glad its just smoke damage and not yknow. Burn damage#but im having a sad little pity party anyway because i was supposed to have an amazing beautiful day ending in a relaxing evening#in my own home#and now i have to cope with all of this instead. all i want to do is cry#and also like. im scared we will have to move#but im also scared we wont... because like#i think it was a gas issue. and knowing that that happened in my building? and also knowing how much landlords love to halfass#repairs and everything else#i just dont know how safe i will feel there#even if they tell me its fine#anyway sorry for the tag vent post again my old ways will never die#ghost posts
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when MF DOOM said theres only 1 beer left
#vent/ a little tiny bit#im good and im strong but also#0__________________________________0#its too real#glad i work mornings every day basically now so i cant be tempted that early lol its a problem#also sorry if this uncomfortable im enjoying my blog as a space to even. express myself maybe#have not had a drinking problem since 2017 until the last 6 months basically#and im having trouble continuing to be (above) strong and good lol#literally i am one not making a caustuit post away from succumbing to the darkness. i love them for reminding me#love is everywhere. love is in all places. strength and patience will find you when you dont expect them#reminds me of 2015 crying myself to sleep from the darkness and the abuse just saying#“at least chef is happy at least chef is happy” over n over#autism special interest isnt just thing i like its thing that makes me feel whole and that i am real#i see myself and myself is real#myself cant handle this but you know who can?#a terrified damaged scientist and the people who love them. who help them beat the odds of the world and their own mind#the reserved and angry scientist who finds his purpose not in the death hes pursued but the only life he would give anything#to preserve and protect and LOVE#these thoughts i can love too..
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