#not ‘oh boo hoo we’re ??? childhood??? friends???’

[inkykeiji]

every time someone calls caleb their ‘childhood friend’ i die a little inside

[longeyelashedtragedy]

Frank James Lampard OBE 👀

ougughgh, you whipped out the order of the british empire? 🫡 😳 maybe i was wrong to judge them teaboos back in the superwholock days (that's a JOKE)

@protect-daniel-james i'll respond here but i might use your ask to post some more Photos cause i'm not sure how to pick just one photo of the Long Eyelashed Tragedy

favorite thing about them: uhhh...so much? he gets me right in the FEELS, man. he tells on himself constantly and seems to be completely unaware. sadboi footballer with pretty dead eyes who loves to Read and took a little notebook with him on the team bus. the intersection of having it easy/privileged childhood & traumatic things that shouldn't have happened--i relate. exhilarating to watch his old performances and he seems like he'd be fun to have a conversation with. fascinating to analyze, this all feels sort of reductive...i'm very Fond of him and some of it is hard to put into words, but i feel very "what's not to love?" about him lol. and he has such a Narrative. he's very easy to write about though it probably doesn't turn out well at all (sounds great and deep in my head though)

also i find a lot of footballers hot but don't really experience significant attraction to them but he is an exception you know what i'm just going to end this here

least favorite thing about them: he lost weight after everton BOO HISS

favorite line: omg, frank james lampard OBE is funny because he's often so intelligent and articulate and then just whips out the WEIRDEST/most cringe thing out of nowhere. some examples:

-his "fight" with klopp on the touchline

THIS wtfery:

these BANGERS:

this classic example of childhood trauma "too old when you're young and too young when you're old" (what some ppl would call "entitled male athlete" but like..i know better than that lol). it's also just patently RIDICULOUS he was like 36...bolding is mine for the classic lines

But it was while on a night out in Manchester during pre-season that the ex-West Hamer star showed his new American team-mates exactly how ex-Premier League stars like to party.

Columbus Crew centre-back Josh Williams was with NYCFC at the time and he told the story to the Athletic.

...“This place is packed, multiple levels. And as soon as we walk in, you could see everybody recognise Frank. And it’s just me, my teammate and Frank and all the energy is just on him.

"He picks up a bottle, this huge bottle of Grey Goose, picks it up, opens it, just starts downing it. Passes it to me and goes, ‘Boys, we’re not putting this down until it’s fucking gone.’”

The trio passed the bottle around three times when the rest of NYCFC showed up.

After about an hour in the club, Lampard approached Williams and asked him about 'that game you Americans play where you throw the little balls — he’s talking about beer pong.'

ok let's see...

brotp: random one but i recently learned that he and ian wright are friends? and i just love that so much both as a gooner and a person. wrighty complements him well and is very...respectful lol. if we consider lamperry to be only one-sided romantic, then definitely lamperry

notp: franko x steven gerrard...there's only One situation in which i've enjoyed that ship (and it was an au). it does nothing for me normally, and i personally don't find stevie g attractive, so! again, it's like an "ew get it away from me" notp, it's just not my vibe.

otp: i mean...lamperry requited. franko x cousin jamie jamie jamie ....maybe someday they can give romeo and juliet their happy ending. and of course, frank and mason...i just really like this ship so much and it keeps my brain so entertained...even though it's not "healthy" and doesn't end well. these ships are all SO good!!!

random headcanon: oh gosh idk...i don't think i have any "headcanons" because everything he says and does in public just kind of tracks. bet he's done coke lol. idk

unpopular opinion: HOO BOY!!! here we go!!! i am aware that i have a wooby nature, but i actually like that about myself. i'd rather approach someone--anyone with softness and then tone it down when i decide they're a dick, than be uncharitable for no reason. that's my way and that's how it's gonna be! so that said...franko gets accusations of "arrogance" and i...i don't see it at all. it might come from his disingenous press conferences at chelsea and everton, but i see that as a man who has horrid self-esteem, was used to being treated by media and fans like a Starboy, and once he started doing badly, had no idea how to handle professional failure--not one single idea. remember on "diary of a ceo" over the summer when he said his first chelsea sacking was the first time he's ever failed professionally? that's insane. Like, imagine making it to age FORTY-TWO and not having a legitimate school or career disaster. that's insane to me. so he just put up a front and got cranky and defensive and funky about where he placed the blame (and to be honest--he has not done a good job as a manager, but he also wound up in some pretty dismal positions. taking chelsea caretaker manager was really shooting himself in the foot because that season just needed to be put out of its misery lol). i'm not saying he's a bastion of humility, or some misunderstood coaching genius, but i don't see him as any more or less arrogant than someone else. idk--i see a weird level of contempt for him that doesn't really feel deserved? he's just a sad sack. sort of a hubris tale in a sense, but also a tale of a man who is still stuck as a kid in some ways...i need to stop before i write a really bad dissertation lol

uh that said...

song i associate with them:

finally a footballer i can give a good answer to this for!!!

name me a better combination than me x lamps x pink floyd x this summer! comfortably numb, shine on you crazy diamond (all of it, but particularly sections vi-ix), wish you were here...

(i know this sounds basic...i know there are more i'm not remembering)

"money" in some ways because i listened to it while writing "visited upon the sons" (it hit me afterward that the fic and the song are structured in the same way...the chicken or the egg?)

from the oooold first days of the lampardverse:

behind blue eyes/a well respected man

also! wouldn't it be nice kind of reminds me of him and cousin jamie loool

favorite picture of them:

dude idk! i really love looking at photos of him! this is granit levels of difficulty...i Cannot choose so let's go with this sad sack from the blessed everton days:

[white-tulips]

y’know... we don’t see much of Kel and Hero’s family, so there’s a lot of interfamilial relations we’re not privy to, but... as someone who grew up with a mother who was very.... verbally aggressive. I guess is the best way to put it. it’s always painful thinking about what Kel and Hero probably had to deal with growing up (and Kel still has to deal with it since he’s a kid and lives at home)

Hero definitely had a lot of weight on his shoulders being the Star Child, and that position comes with a lot of it’s own troubles, but I can’t help but feel really really sad for Kel. being what could be described as an “underachiever” in academics, being a bit silly and airheaded, not always remembering to do certain tasks your parents ask of you... and then having a passive-aggressive mother who flies off the handle at the drop of a dime in response to literally anything you do or didn’t do. it’s an experience that I can relate to firsthand, and even though the scenes between Kel and his mom were brief and mostly played for laughs, I still saw a little bit of my own childhood in them

like, this line-

it’s so inconsequential and definitely written as a joke but, when I first read it I was hit so hard remembering that bringing friends over was a tactic I would use just so I wouldn’t be screamed at for something as small as not wearing a shirt my mother picked out for me (she used to be extremely controlling over how I was dressed) 

I can’t remember when it was, but I remember a scene where Kel’s mom did the whole “oh you hate your poor mother boo hoo hoo” and I think that was also played as a joke, but it’s so real to have a mother who one second will be yelling at you for seemingly nothing, only for the next be crying because she thinks you hate her even though she does everything for you and now You’re the one having to apologize because it’s all Your fault for making your mother sad 

and if that’s the kind of shit that Kel has to deal with, then I can understand why he would get super into sports and stay outside until dark and do literally anything else except stay at home, because... that’s what I did (well, I stopped doing sports in middle school because chronic pain is a bitch)

I genuinely believe Kel is a positive and happy person, but I don’t think the struggle of being the younger child with a crazy mom should be ignored because that shit fucks people up, and we even get to see a little bit of that with Kel laughing off the fact his parent’s ignored him crying to instead placate Hero. like, you really develop a very skewed sense of self worth 

EDIT: something I forgot to mention is that, while all of this is purely hypothetical and inferencing, there is the fact that we only see Kel’s mom when Sunny is present and I think that is another factor to be kept in mind. I think all parents have a “guest is over” mask to an extent, but with really neglectful parents it’s especially a Thing. a lot happens behind closed doors, y’know? and with how she acts even when Sunny is around, I just can’t help but think about all of the things we’re not seeing.... (hence the tactic of bringing friends over so parents don’t act as bad)

[somethingsupwithdrac]

There is no word from our good friend Jonathan Harker today, which remains concerning, considering where his last message left off. I suppose we can’t do much beyond wait patiently and hope he’s well.

There is, however, the first Poe Daily! I was always That One Kid reading Poe and Shakespeare and shit when I was like ten years old. I was the only little weirdo absolutely stoked to get to the Poe story in our middle school English textbook because OMG you guys this is so good you have no idea and not quite understanding why the rest of the class was not quite so enthusiastic about it or ready to read it out loud. Two of my most prized possessions as a child were a) the hugeass Complete Works of Poe that is still sitting on my bookshelf today, and b) a copy of Annabel Lee in Poe’s script printed on parchment. Which is to say I am so excited about this.

I love The Masque of the Red Death so much. I could do some literary talk about stuff like red as the symbol of both life and death, but instead I’m just going to fangirl about how much my lil goth heart adores this one.

The description of the Red Death as a very scary, very fatal disease is great, and the mental image of victims just bleeding everywhere and there being absolutely nothing anyone could do is very effective nightmare fuel.

Prospero. Oh, Prospero, you ill-fated and terrible, terrible person. It is very typical aristocrat shit to look around at all the peasants dying and be like “sucks to be those guys, time to hole up in an abbey and have a party ‘til all of this blows over, lol!” Gathering yourself and a thousand other members of your court in a building with no way in or out once you welded yourselves in was certainly A Choice. Definitely no chance of this proving a terrible idea later. Y’all just sit there with your massive supply of provisions and let the peasants die while you distract yourselves with wine and music. It’s fine.

The rooms! The descriptions of the rooms for the ball have always been one of my favourite parts because they’re just so ‘eccentric rich guy’. Twisty maze of colour-coordinated rooms! Symbolic meaning of colour choices! Hella goth final room with a ticking clock, red windows, and black walls that I was never allowed to emulate for my own personal childhood bedroom, mom. (In retrospect, black walls in a bedroom the size of a walk-in closet would have been a terrible idea, actually.)  Love that in designing these suites they really went with ‘no normal lights for you, we’re just going to stick a brazier of fire back here, it’ll do some funky shit’, like the 19th century equivalent of a rave light show. (The red light in the black room sounds incredible, your aristocrat buddies are just cowards. ‘oh no, the black room full of red light doesn’t pass my vibe check, boo hoo’.)

The clock. The clock is almost a character itself and the idea of it being this inescapable, ominous thing that just cuts through all of the merriment and reminds the gathered rich folk that time is still passing. Reading about that sound, and how it somehow managed to echo through all the rooms at once despite the fact that was in the most distant one, I’ve always imagined a sound almost more like a heavy church bell than a normal clock chime. I don’t know why, that’s just where my brain has always gone. Quite effectively creepy and ominous.

The tastes of the duke were peculiar. He had a fine eye for colors and effects. He disregarded the decora of mere fashion. His plans were bold and fiery, and his conceptions glowed with barbaric lustre.

The Duke: avant-garde fashionista.

He had directed, in great part, the moveable embellishments of the seven chambers, upon occasion of this great fête, and it was his own guiding taste which had given character to the costumes of the masqueraders.

Also: theatre director

I’ve always imagined this whole section, with the descriptions of the masquerade and the costumes as a sort of Mardi Gras/Carnivale from hell tbh. The usual over-the-top, exaggerated glittery and flashy costumes and sets but with a sort of nightmare funhouse mirror effect over all, and almost a physical sort of energizing presence driving all of these wildly-costumed aristocrats dancing through the rooms with the lights flickering over them.

And then. Into the wild revels intrudes the clock and the stranger, interrupting the ‘dreams’ and their carefree partying. This stranger, who dared exceed even Prospero’s most outlandish and bizarre imaginings and brought into the masquerade the costume of a Red Death victim. (Apparently there are limits to what even the most callous and reckless of aristocrats will tolerate, and that line is somewhere around ‘dressing up like a victim of the plague you’re all pretending isn’t still ravaging the population outside these walls’.)

i LOVE THIS PART SO MUCH. The anger and offense, slowly giving way to horror and fear as the Prince demands to know which of his group did this, and the realization that all of them are accounted for, and whoever this is, they aren’t anyone he let in the abbey, so who are they and how the hell did they get in to a sealed building? The slow, inexorable march of the masked figure through the rooms toward the prince, spreading silence and paralyzing fear like a plague, and the moment when, confronted by the figure, the prince drops dead. Then the last, shocking revelation-there isn’t anyone under the cloak. The Red Death itself came for those who thought that they might use their wealth and privilege to escape the inevitable clutches of death. That final image of all of the bodies lying in heaps, still wrapped in all of their bizarre masquerade finery, with blood seeping out to pool and soak into the formerly merry halls and the fires flickering and dying as the clock chimes its final hour is one of the most incredibly powerful and striking things I have ever read.

(You’ve got to love a story of doomed aristocrats arrogantly thinking they can buy their way out of dying like poors, lol. Sorry my dudes, but no.)

[shittybyrons]

about to do some big brain shit. gonna paraphrase what i've said on discord and maybe add some more around it, but hear me out. this has lots of anecdotal shit and references to ableism and xenophobia after the readmore. this is super meta and probably i’m grasping straws but i am a lunatic and i like to ramble.

i’m trying to organize this but it’s A Struggle

monsterous text below the cut.

To make sense of all this, I have to talk about a conversation I had with my uncle, who used to play (recreational) hockey in Alberta, and later Texas.

For background, my uncle is potentially mentally ill (anxiety runs in my family) and almost definitely has ADHD. He’s also from Romania and he never got a US citizenship. His name is not English. His biggest crime? He’s small for a hockey player, only 5′10″.

By the time he got to Texas, he was a pretty good player, and the opposite team knew that. He was targeted for his name, his height, his parents, his accent, anything they could, and ended up having to stop playing hockey by the time he got to college for his own safety.

When I first cut my hair short, he told me, “If you’re going to be anywhere, you have to pick one, or they will tear you apart.” I didn’t understand at the time, I just cut my hair short, but now I do.

You can deviate from the norm in one way.

You have to pick one.

One is a bummer, two is an inconvenience, three is just inconsiderate.

In year three, Jack went to Bitty when he was having a panic attack right? So they've established trust for Jack's anxiety. But there's nothing that shows Jack trusts Bitty with other issues.

Check Please is from Bitty’s perspective, so what if he never quite knew the extent of the issues Jack ran into during year 4. This is no one’s fault.

This is purely anecdotal but sometimes with mental illness it consumes your life so much everything has to do with the illness, and if something does not fit the illness, it simply doesn't exist. I know my parents do this, and I know others who pretend like that's the case.

My friend has anxiety, and when he got Super Sick he was not comfortable telling ANYONE he was feeling sick at all. Bc he was anxious, that was "what was wrong with him" so obviously there could be nothing else wrong. He already picked one. He told no one he was feeling sick, and no one knew until he passed out on the stairs on the way to class.

Turns out his immune system was going Nuclear and it destroyed his pancreas and he has to be on insulin for the rest of his life. He was 12.

He’s been bullied ever since.

He didn’t pick one.

You have to pick one.

Why did this happen? He was already anxious, anything more would just be asking for attention. This is partially his anxiety talking, but I doubt this was all in his head.

We’re always told to pick one anyways.

You have to pick one.

Back to Jack, maybe he felt like he was making shit up about being targeted and talking about it would just be him being an attention-seeker. Oh boo hoo Jack Zimmermann has another issue, what is it this time?

Jack fucked up. He picked two. He already had the mental illness thing going, he didn’t need to pick up another quirk. He’s basically asking for it.

Jack never tells Bitty what he’s dealing with bc he already “picked” one issue for Bitty to have to “deal with” so the fact he is hit over and over and over and over and the refs do nothing and his team is powerless and for once his brain is not the villain his issues are outside but what if he is making things up and just being dramatic? Jack never brings them up, because he already “picked” one issue for Bitty to “deal with” and his anxiety won’t let him talk about anything else.

This is not Bitty’s fault, it’s conditioning. The people around Jack have probably voiced their displeasure saying stuff like “oh what is he saying now?” and “oh there’s always something with her.”, stuff that was never directed at Jack, but was still internalized.

I know I’ve heard it, and I know others have heard it too. We’ve all internalized it to some degree.

You have to pick one.

Now that he’s an adult, Jack’s anxiety has probably told him that he gets to pick one thing to have wrong, and any other problem is his fault. So of course, he tries to work with them on his own, because Bitty has so many things he needs to worry about, his boyfriend being upset because he got hit too many times is so meaningless in the grand scheme of things.

There’s an anxiety me and some of my friends get about “bothering” stressed out people. We’ll hide things because we do not want them to worry about us, because they have so many other things to worry about.

When me and my childhood best friend were 9, I was dealing with a bunch of shit because of my undiagnosed ADHD. Because of that, my best friend didn’t ever tell me he had anxiety. The only reason I figured out was because I found him in the middle of a panic attack in a hall no one uses. When I asked him why he never told me, he said “You have so many things to worry about, this is just an extra thing that you don’t need.”

Also he already picked one.

You have to pick one.

He had the whole “parents live in different states” thing going so why would he also have the anxiety issues? That’s just too much.

I still haven’t told my parents eating meat makes me super sick, because they have so much to worry about, trying to feed me vegetarian is just some extra thing.

Anyways, I already picked one.

I already have the ADHD, why would I also have the visceral reaction to meat? That’s just too much.

Again. 

You have to pick one.

To bring this back to OMGCP, Kent Parson has a good reason to not come out. He already had picked one, he’s small. So if he was gay (bc no other mlm sexualities exist) on top of that? He’s just asking for trouble.

Jack’s running into issues in the NHL because he didn’t remember the most important rule of being in sports.

You have to pick one.

[bigskydreaming]

Wow. I mean, I know newsarama is a dumb fucking site, but even I had to stop and blink when I saw the headline “10 (or 11) Reasons Why Marvel Hates Tony Stark”. Like yeah, that’s an actual listicle they made or whatever. Check out the highlights!

1) “From almost the moment we meet him in Iron Man, he’s under attack for his war-mongering ways, quickly getting kidnapped and forced to design weapons for terrorists during a trip to the Middle East to show off his new rockets.”

Yes. Poor baby. How utterly AWFUL for your origin story to be people being mean to you FOR YOUR WAR-MONGERING WAYS. Most tragic origin story EVER!!!

2) Stane’s Betrayal

Gasp. Shocker. Oh no. Tony is literally the only hero who has ever been betrayed by someone they trusted. *camera pans over to all of his teammates he left locked up in the Raft even after he’d broken the Accords himself BUT I DIGRESS*

3) Poisoned by his own heart

“And if you’re Tony Stark, all of this also comes with a mysterious illness that’s stemming from the arc reactor in your chest which is, ironically, also the only thing keeping you alive.“

Yeah, the half a movie this was the C plot for really would’ve sucked if he didn’t have access to all the education, resources, and materials needed to create his own personal fusion reactor and fix himself.

4) Coulson Murdered

Gosh, what a tragedy for TONY, the only person anywhere who cared about Coulson, and definitely worse than for Coulson himself, and oh wait, he never even died anyway so actually its ‘felt bad because this guy he barely knew and never even acted like he liked was thought to be dead but he was really off being secret agent man.”

5) PTSD

Not gonna joke about this one because yeah, I think Tony does have PTSD and yeah, as someone who has it himself, it sucks, but guess what? Sucks just as bad for all the other characters who definitely have PTSD like, y’know Sam....who ran a fucking SUPPORT GROUP for vets with PTSD like HIMSELF, and all the others who most likely have it due to their own traumas. Like, point me to one MCU protag you DON’T think has PTSD. Tony’s not special for having it, he’s special for being the only one Marvel cares enough about having it to actually SHOW it.

6) Happy Hogan almost dies

Yes, again, worst thing to happen to a person ever....something happens to someone ELSE and somehow, its all about how Tony’s affected, and oh yeah, Happy didn’t actually die! Again, how truly unique a tragedy for Tony, having someone close to him like...get hurt. What a novel experience. No other hero can relate.

7) Pepper Potts dies....a little

Wouldn’t this article have been better titled “10 (or 11) Reasons Marvel Hates Everyone Around Tony Way More Than They Hate Tony”?

“Yes, Pepper survived - but for a few minutes there, her death was the worst thing that ever happened to Tony.“

*stares at camera*

Like, I can’t get over the fact that this article is serious. The person who wrote it really thinks they’re making a case for why Genius Billionaire Philanthropist Playboy Tony has like, the worst existence of any MCU character.

8)  Ultron “Kills” Jarvis

Oh no, the AI that Tony made after everyone told him not to ‘killed’ the other AI Tony made before him? What a nightmare! If only Tony had just....not done the thing everyone else told him not to do! Also, this is definitely WAY worse than all the thousands of people Ultron killed, yup, the fact that Tony’s homicidal science fair project killed his answering machine sucks WAY harder for Tony than everything else Ultron did sucks for like....everyone else.

9) Dumped by Pepper

....this isn’t a tragedy, this is what happens when you’re a narcissistic, emotionally stunted man-child and your girlfriend eventually gets sick of putting up with it. Also:

“His fragile emotional state due to the break-up along with Miriam Sharpe confronting him by the elevator for the death of her son in Sokovia clearly leads to Tony making some questionable choices.Maybe that's why he's so desperate to make amends that he rushes headlong into conflict with his Avengers teammates.“

.....that’s a thing that someone wrote. Civil War, the Accords, locking his teammates up in the Raft, recruiting a fifteen year old to go fight for him in Berlin, all of that totally makes sense because Tony can’t handle being dumped, boo the fuck hoo are you shitting me, lmfao who is this person, why is this person like this.

10) His BFF’s BFF killed his parents

First off, Cap as Tony’s BFF lol, revisionist history at its finest, when did they do more than like....tolerate each other? Secondly, his brainwashed BFF killed Tony’s parents, and maybe Cap would have told Tony that if he’d been remotely rational about all the stuff Cap tried to tell Tony even BEFORE he found out about his parents. Sorry not sorry, can’t believe we’re still doing this, but yup, some of us are actually of the opinion Cap had every right to defend his best friend from childhood who’d been brainwashed and turned into a living weapon against his will from being killed or carted off to the Raft for things he literally had no choice in. 

11) Peter Parker dies in his arms

PEOPLE AROUND TONY SUFFERING AS THE RESULT OF TONY’S SHITTY DECISIONS OR ELSE JUST THEIR OWN HEROIC IMPULSES IS NOT TONY’S PERSONAL TRAGEDY. Like lmao, barely any of these are Tony’s traumas. They’re literally just “Tony meets the bare minimum standard of a basic human being and like, FEELS things when people around him suffer.” Like yes, it sucks when people you care about get hurt, but your feelings are not comparable to THEIR tragedies! This is the entire basis of the ‘girlfriend in the refrigerator’ trope.....killing someone close to a hero should not be considered bad because that hero feels bad, its bad because THAT PERSON DIED. Loooooooool. Omg, I am laughing so hard at this whole damn thing because otherwise I’d just be like....banging my head against my desk.

Like, I literally don’t get it. How do people actually think this way? How do you look at all the characters in the MCU, and zero in on Tony, and think yes, him, THIS is the guy who has it the worst.....and then when you try and defend that position, this is the stuff you come up with and like...you actually think that makes your case? LOL. I literally do not understand.

[themurphyzone]

His World: Fandom

Request from @universe-queen-melissa. 

1. Crisis on the Seven Seas! S.S Mummy’s Curse vs S.S Neon Lights!

“Your primitive weapons are no match for my superior blasters!”

“I summon a demon to jinx your blasters so they only shoot jelly!” 

“Neon Lights shall rise again! We may be few in number, but we shall prevail against the tragedy that is Cleopatra’s personality!”

“Mummy’s Curse is the true winner! We actually have hints on our side! All Danielle ever does is complain about her dysfunctional family!” 

“Danielle risked her life to save Time Ape from the evil clutches of Professor Yorek! And she did it with a broken leg and armed with only a taser!” 

“Cleopatra had a duty to her people! Her intellect is matched by only the Man of the Past, Present, and Future!” 

“Sara, Milo, I’m getting take out from that new Mexican place that opened up downtown. Is there anything you two would like?” Brigitte carefully stepped over the mess in the living room, grabbing her car keys from a table. Sara and Milo paused to allow her through. 

“Extra spicy salsa please!” Sara said. 

“A side of black beans too,” Milo added. 

“Okay, I’ll be back in half an hour and Martin should be home in-wait, is that my eyeliner?” Brigitte took a closer look at Milo’s face. 

“I wanted to get into character,” Milo replied. “It’s kohl.” 

“Looks like a good make up job,” Brigitte said. “Just promise me you’ll clean all this up when Martin gets home. You know Murphy’s Law flares up when he’s extra exhausted.” She waved, exiting through the garage door. 

Sara stood up, dropping the catcher’s helmet she was using as a mask. “And this concludes our monthly ship war. Let’s see, four tallies for Mummy’s Curse, four for Neon Lights, and ten for draw.” 

“Stay tuned for March’s ship war, folks! An episode premiering in two weeks is going to give Mummy’s Curse extra ammunition!” 

2. Fan Mail

“Let’s see, bill, bill, fan mail, fan mail, coupon for fast food, another letter from ol’ Blockhead-this one should be fun, fan mail, bill.” Orton set everything down on the kitchen table, pouring himself a cup of coffee before setting aside the bills. 

The first two pieces of fan mail weren’t that interesting, one of them consisting of a rant about how Adjunct Faculty Member Zone was the worst thing that had ever happened to the series. It wasn’t his proudest moment, but the college students used as extras for that series made the work a lot more pleasant than most people assumed. 

Ah, the third piece is from Sara Murphy, Orton smiled. He had a wall on his bedroom where he pinned his favorite artwork and letters from his fans. Sara Murphy had five of her letters up there so far, and several more stashed away in a box in the attic. He updated the wall every few weeks, preserving older pieces in a scrapbook. 

He decided to save it for last, since he would likely need some positivity after inevitably choking on Block. 

Dear Orton Mahlson, 

Consider joining the Bureau or else. I have the operatives and technology. All you have is your silly, inaccurate prime-time sitcom that undermines the potential of real time travel and mocks our scientists to no end. We will hunt you down if you continue to refuse this offer.

Sincerely,

Mr. Block.

Orton slammed a pen on the table, deciding that his response wasn’t worth killing a few trees and furiously wrote a response on the back of the same paper. That was sure to tick him off. 

What’s up Blockhead,

You’re looking about as handsome as a donkey who wallowed in a peat bog. I take that back. I refuse to insult donkeys when they actually do a great service for people around the globe. I will repeat this for the millionth time. I am not joining your ridiculous organization. For what purpose does it actually serve? Or are you just upset because you got all nostalgic for a bunch of nuts that went extinct? Boo-hoo. Cry me a river. Maybe you can finally replace the Nile. Oh, wait that would just cause more pollution wouldn’t it? 

-Orton Mahlson

He zapped the paper with his own Temporal Transporter. Amateurs. His version had a streaming option for new releases. 

Now he could finally read Sara’s letter in peace. Maybe this would snap him out of the funk Block always threw him in.

Dear Orton Mahlson,

I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned how much Dr. Zone means to me and especially my little brother, Milo. You see, Milo has a certain condition which causes people to treat him differently. Sometimes it’s easy to shrug off. Other times it’s not. It was more difficult back then, before Milo was old enough to handle situations on his own. As his big sis, it’s my job to look out for him. Since we first discovered Dr. Zone, it opened up a lot more opportunities to spend time together as siblings and we’re always look forward to new episodes. Thank you for such a wonderful show!

Your biggest fan,

Sara Murphy

Orton had a new favorite letter now. And there was no better honor for his biggest fan than a spot on the refrigerator. 

3. Contagious

Milo stopped scratching Diogee’s belly, listening to Sara groan from her bedroom. Diogee whined and pawed at Milo’s hand, unhappy that his belly rub time was cut short. “Sorry, boy,” Milo said, knocking on her door. “Something’s wrong. Sara, can I come in please? Are you all right?” 

“Coming,” Sara opened her door, looking unusually cross. She was still in her pajamas, and her empty stomach probably wasn’t doing her any favors either. “Hey.”

“Are you sick? You skipped breakfast,” Milo noticed. 

“I’m sick all right. I caught the dreaded-Milo, you can take the mask off. It’s not contagious. I think. I just have a really bad case of Writer’s Block.” 

Milo tied a mask on Diogee. “I don’t want him getting it either,” he said, his voice muffled. 

“I uploaded Chapter 17 of my shipping fic three weeks ago, and I’ve been trying to finish the confrontation between Professor Yorek and Danielle, but writing about infiltrating a secret, heavily-guarded facility is harder than it sounds,” Sara opened the document containing the half-finished chapter, letting Milo quickly skim through it. 

“Have you tried imagining it in your head?” Milo asked. 

Sara shook her head. “No, I just type what comes to mind.” 

“Okay, how about we try this?” Milo set a Time Ape doll on the windowsill, placing a plastic container around it to act as a cage. “Professor Yorek has captured Time Ape and is holding him for ransom until Dr. Zone arrives with the loot from the Titanic? Right?” Sara nodded. Milo placed a Professor Yorek action figure on top of the plastic container. “But it’s all a front to distract Dr. Zone?” 

“And Danielle is torn because she was childhood friends with Yorek and watched him change after his obsession with the time stream grew. I don’t know how to properly convey that and have her infiltrate the facility at the same time.”

“But she also loves Dr. Zone now, so that makes it even more difficult,” Milo mused. He placed a crocheted doll of Danielle next to Professor Yorek, positioning them so they were holding hands. “What if she had little reminders on her way? Remember the episode “Instrument of Sorrow” where Danielle had a flashback of her playing the glockenspiel with Yorek and he taught her his family’s song?” 

Sara nodded. “A musical reminder is always good. If I play that song while writing that particular part, it would probably help a whole lot. There was also the episode “Spider Lily” in which spiders were used to symbolize Yorek’s growing darkness. And Danielle has arachnophobia in canon, so that would absolutely terrify her once she snaps to reality when she realizes there’s a horde of man-eating spiders in the vents!” 

“See you’ve got it!” Milo took off his mask. Diogee had long discarded his, using it as a chew toy instead. “But maybe you shouldn’t write on an empty stomach. Studies prove you think better after you’ve had breakfast!” 

Sara laughed. “You’re right, little bro. I’m totally going to crush my readers’ spirit after this chapter!” 

“That’s great! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to finish my fanfic too,” Milo sat down at the computer in his room, opening the document, fingers poised to type. And he waited. And waited. 

After ten minutes, Milo had resorted to trying to balance his pencil on his nose in an attempt to think. His eyes widened. He was right. He was right all along. 

“Sara, you lied to me! Writer’s Block is contagious!”