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many-but-one · 2 years

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⚠️Trigger Warning: Loud noises toward the end, somewhat flashing, blood, themes of anger, violence, and pain⚠️

A video that I made to vent some of my frustration. I don’t know where it comes from, but I think the difficulty of being “just a trauma holder” with no real job other than hovering around being sad and angry is frustrating. Yes, I am a protector. Yes, I am a persecutor. Yes, I can sometimes co-host on a good day. But there is so much pain and rage in me. I wanted to share because I felt like people in the system community would understand, of all people.

“King” section is Aridam, our primary gatekeeper.

“Soldier” section is Valentine, Aridam’s second and our primary protector.

“Poet” section is Dorian, host, as I don’t have enough references of Indigo yet and he said it would be okay to use the photos of what he used to look like before his and Winter’s fusion.

And the “Rage” section is me, Vivian. Trauma holder, persecutor-protector, co-host.

Feels stupid to say enjoy but I worked hard on it so…enjoy, lmao.

🪷Vivi👑

Art credit list below because I only “own” the edited artbreeder portraits at the beginning of the king, solider, poet sections and we try our best to always credit artists when we can figure out who they are. Unfortunately we find a lot of our claims on Pinterest.

“King” Section (Aridam)

-Artbreeder portrait: made and edited by us.

-Male silhouette photograph: can't find the source, all sources just say "dark prince aesthetic" which...okay. lol.

-Green wolf drawing: "Dark creatures in a dark forest" by cercat

-Man with a bloody nose: 먹살 on Twitter, though their account doesn't seem to exist any longer.

-B&W wolf drawing: "Fenrir" which unfortunately, any searches for the source of this photo were futile, and mainly ended up on websites with no credit given. Sad. :(

"Solider" Section (Valentine)

-Artbreeder portrait: made and edited by us.

-Man in white uniform: Apostle on Twitter

-White haired anime style man with flowers: Lin jjx on Twitter

-Silver haired man with a heart in his hand: All attempts to find the source led me to basically Japanese Pinterest. :(

-White haired man playing flute: The only places I could find this image were on RP boards with no credit given, which sucks. :(

"Poet" section (Dorian/Indigo)

-Artbreeder portrait: made and edited by us.

-Regal elf in green: warickaart on Instagram

-pretty man in a top hat with a rose: all attempts to find this source point to a manhwa character called Aisha but I couldn't figure out who the artist is or how to link it.

-boy with a frappe: The Magicians fanart by waxanie on Twitter

-boy with smudged eyeliner (B&W image): the only sources lead to various international Pinterests. I've never seen this happen before so it was kind of funny to see Russian Pinterest, Japanese Pinterest, and Korean Pinterest.

-elf boy with black hair: this source search took me to a super dodgy looking fan art site with more ads than Wiki. Needless to say, couldn't find the source which is so sad.

-boy with ripped off wings: the only freaking place I could even possibly see who this was made by was a fantasy artist called mahdiehseyedi88 on fiverr.

"Rage" section (Vivian)

-boy with sunglasses: Taeyong fan art by hoki11 on Twitter

-Blonde boy laying on the ground photograph: Noen Eubanks

-Scratched up blonde boy photograph: Apparently people like to use this guy for edits for "Song of Achilles" but never like to credit who the model or photographer is. Very cool. (Not)

-Blonde boy upside down drawing: Unfortunately just a lot of reposts with no credit on Pinterest. However, this *looks* like it's from artist valentinaremenar on instagram. Not a guarantee, though the styles are similar. If you know who this belongs to, please lmk.

[Red Section of Rage Section]

Note: all of these photographs are not originally tinted red, this is for the style of the video. So I can't give color descriptions well, but know all photos will be named in order and with a slight description.

First (demon like, glowing eyes): "Cleanse" by Nicolas Cauteruccio on Artstation

Second (boy with sticks in his head and mouth): camouflage by Len-yan on Deviantart

Third (black skin, fiery looking hair, please know this original piece is actually blue and red and it is gorgeous): astrono77153462 on Tumblr

Fourth (boy on a bed of white roses): "doodle" by Alle Page on Artstation

Fifth (bloody looking faerie creature) Once again astrono77153462 on Tumblr

Sixth (boy with long hair, cracks, and metallic blood, please know that this original piece is white and gold and gorgeous, colors were shifted for the video aesthetic and I highly suggest checking out the OG piece): "you'll never break me" by shilin on Deviantart

Seventh (satyr with whipping marks): daifei on Tumblr

Eighth (boy with claws dripping blood): I could not find proper credit anywhere. Ugh. So sad because this art is so gorgeous.

And of course, if anyone knows any of the uncredited pieces, please feel free to DM me and I can edit the post for proper credit. Thank you.

#vivian🪷#vivi posts #personal post #dorian🌹#valentine🫀#aridam🪢#my art #manybutone #did osdd #dissociative disorder #dissociative identity disorder #tw blood #tw flashing #tw flashing lights #angercore

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people-likeflowers · 5 years

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On to the sequel

A/N: Heey! I’m back. As I said before, english is not my native language, therefore if there is something wrong. I’m sorry. Also, this is a work of complete fiction and I don’t have anything against any one that is mentioned in this one shoot. Hope you enjoy!

Mwah!

Summary: An AU where your best friend Noen Eubanks has to leave to achieve his dream but neither of them know that there are still things left to be said.

Warnings: Angst, Fluff.

Song: The Story - Conan Gray

You were in a crossroad. It’s been a long time since you’ve seen him. What would happen if you took this decision? What would happen if everything went wrong? How would you end up feeling? Probably worst that when he went away. But you were sure of something, the feelings that you two had, had been real. Only that, in those times, you didn't know what you wanted. Your careers were blurring any other life goal. Either way, right now, distance in time allowed you to comprehend that he, surely felt the same way as you.

Flashback:

- So, with Abby… what are you going to do? – you asked while you got comfortable in the little bed of your college dorm.

- Sincerely, I don't have an idea. It’s like… I can't make up my mind, I don't understand a thing of what’s going on. I know, that whenever I see her, I feel something, but I can’t seem to find the time to spend together. When I’m studying, I don't think of anything else rather that what I am doing. And…

- And… that makes you doubt your feelings even more. – You finished his phrase. This kind of things used to happen, you connected on a different level. Sometimes with only a look you would know what the other was feeling.

- Exactly – he said with sorrow – either way I think you are not much better. – Really you could read each other thoughts.

- No. You are right. But it’s similar to what it's going on with you. – At that moment you didn’t have a clue of what you were feeling. You thought it was the stress of the classes or that sometimes loneliness affected you a little too much. – Lately I feel like there’s a void in the center of my chest, but I can’t figure out where is it coming from. Although when I’m planning a shoot or something. Everything disappears.

Eventually you found the meaning behind that void, and he found the reason he wasn’t thinking a lot about his girlfriend. Nevertheless, by the time you two figured out your feelings, it was practically your graduation day. When both paths were about to separate for an indeterminate time. An indeterminate time that was almost three years without seeing each other. You used to hear stories from mutual friends, and you used to follow him on his social media. Although, when Benji and Jeyjey, visited him in Los Angeles, you asked them nicely that, they didn't tell you much about Noen. This made them cut their trip in a thirty minutes story. You still felt some sorrow when his name appeared somewhere.

You took your suitcase from the highest part of your wardrobe, and let it fall into the bed, open. Looked at it for a minute. You were frenetic. And your heart was beating fast.

Flashback

You were at Syd’s house, having dinner for the last time. You all used to had this tradition that on the third Sunday of the month you got together in his house to talk about your lives, prepare some weird dish and if it arouses, watch a film. But this was your last dinner being in college. It was a bittersweet situation.

You and Noen agreed on preparing an Indian recipe. You had found it the day that you had skipped class because you two still were hangover from last night and your stomachs were claiming for food constantly. That day you found this itty-bitty restaurant that belonged to a family in which their grandma still cooked their traditional dishes. One thing leads to the other and you ended up talking with said woman, who kindly told you all her culinary secrets.

You had decided to kick out every one of the kitchen and put on your speaker for cooking to the rhythm of the music. The chicken was being boiled and the sauce, which had some strange yellow color, was getting warmed. When, a song with a sweet slow melody started to sound. You were surprised and decided to quickly change it. Noen had recently ended his relationship with Abby. They were in good terms, but, even so, you knew he wasn’t fine.

He saw how you reacted and reached fast for you. In an impulsive gesture he took your hand and looking you straight in the eyes, said:

-Leave it - you didn't know what to do. You pursed your lips and went back to your last position. Leaned in the kitchen island, paying attention on how the food was being cooked. But this time, something had changed. Suddenly, you were aware about your body, you felt how Noen’s warmth was all over your side, his skin was soft, cold and hot at the same time. There was silence while you two heard the lyrics of the song. It was talking to you.

'Cause they loved one other

But never discovered

'Cause they were too afraid

Having time for the food to be done, they decided to sit on the floor. You two felt safer that way.

- How are you? - you asked without looking at him in the eyes. Unexpectedly the loose thread of your pants was the closest to a life saver that you had. And you hung to it so you wouldn't have to look at Noen.

- I’ve been better. But… I feel like it was what it had to do; you know? I didn't love her. And with the fact that I must go to the other side of the world, it wasn’t going to work. - the silence came back again, and a little sound escaped from your insides. Making Noen look at you. You were crying, you knew that you would miss him. A few days ago, you realized one thing that changed your whole world. You loved him. And that thing that burned sometimes was what you felt for him. You couldn't stop and the knot on your throat hurt you. - Oh, no. - both moved so you could face each other, you ended in between his legs. He looked at you with sad eyes. And started to dry your tears with his thumb. It made you cry even more. You felt thankful for the loud music, no one else could listen to you cry. He gently kissed your forehead and with both hands he pulled you closer to his shoulder. - we’ll be in touch. You don't have to worry about that. - he was trying really hard to say all these sweet things to calm you down but in your head the words, “but I love you”, “it’s never going to be enough”, repeated time after time. You felt as if these words could escape your mouth. You had to say something but without scaring him.

- But it won't be enough, I think I’m going to lose you and there will be this big hole in my life. - it was everything you could get out of your chest despite the pain you felt on your throat.

- I know, but we’ll try to make it work. I don't want to lose you either, you know how important you are to me. - then again, he took your face in his hands and joined your foreheads. His thumbs caressing your cheeks instinctively. Trying to calm you two down.

You couldn’t believe that you hadn’t seen it at that moment. His gestures were so intimate. How was it possible that you didn’t have the courage to tell him your feelings. Though, thinking about it now, you didn't know if you had it. But something had changed, everything in your body was asking for it and you had made you decide.

You went around in your little apartment, putting close attention to not forget anything. You did it fast, you didn’t want any intrusive thought around your head. Because it may make you stay.

The cold hit you in the face and in an instinctive act you closed the neck of your coat. Raised your hand to call a taxi, you were so engrossed in your thoughts that you hadn’t noticed that it was snowing. Your shoes were not made for this weather.

When you got in the taxi, you told him to go to the airport while you texted Benji, asking him for the address of Noen. He answered with interrogation signs but then sent it. You entered to Tiktok again. You couldn’t believe that he still remembered. Or that he had even been aware of it too, that time you were cooking. In the video you could see him singing the words: 'Cause they loved one other. But never discovered. Cause they were too afraid. Of what they'd say. Moved to different states.” While he did different moves and looked at the camera.

But that he had chosen that song wasn’t the only thing that had made you took the decision, but the fact that in the caption he had written: Missing a special someone. "I wonder if she's alright"

Flashback:

That morning you had woken up with a terrible nauseous feeling and there was no way you could stop them. Your strength was on the floor. You even noticed that you had a fever at some point. But you were sure of one thing, and that was that nothing was going to stop you from saying goodbye at the airport to your best friend. That's why that day you had only taken some tea and some light cookies. Nothing else.

When the boys came to pick you up, so you could all go together to see him off, they looked at you hastily, a worried face. They asked you if you were all right and if you really felt like going. To what you didn't say anything and made them get out of your house. The ride in the car made you feel even worse and a tingling sensation consumed your skin. And that feeling kept on going until you saw him, with his suitcase in his right hand waiting for it to be dispatched. And as always, his green Minecraft bag on his back with his neck pillow. You couldn't take it anymore but you either couldn't start bereaved crying right there in front of everyone. You wouldn't do that to Noen. Wouldn't make him leave with that anguish. This moment was going to change his life and you had to be happy for him. And. You Had. To. Be. Happy. For. Him.

However, you were not the one who broke down and went running to your arms when he had finished what he had to do. But him. When he finished his business with his suitcase, he went directly to you, he squeezed you in his arms trying to hide in your neck.

Which you started to feel wet. It was an intimate experience in one of the most public places of all. "Shh, Shh", you couldn't stop saying it while you brushed his scalp.

- That's it. That's it. You must go. It for a greater good. Everything will be all right - you tried to calm him down, when you didn't have the strength to do it. You didn't know where these words were coming from.

- But I don't know if this is what I want. I will be missing something. - now you were the one who joined your foreheads and who started to caress his cheeks. You noticed how his tears made them more slippery.

- No. That's not going to happen. Because with what you are, you are enough. You will be able to defeat everything you'll face and more. - your words were real. Of that you were sure.

- Its… you don't get it. I'm going to miss my special someone. We have never been this apart. - we both were still with our eyes clothed.

- Noen - a wail almost gets out of you, but you had stopped it. Looking at him straight in the eyes you said - You must go. - it was an order. You understood what he meant, but it wasn't the right moment. He needed to achieve his dream. You two hugged one more time and let it go. Then Noen went and said goodbye to his other friends. You withdrew back from the group.

When you saw him disappear in the gates of the airport, you couldn't hold it anymore and run to the closest trash. There you let go every single word you would never say to him.

You were in front of his apartment. It was still nighttime and the area that he lived gave you some chills. You didn’t felt like you had the courage to do it, but you were going to anyway. That video had not been random, and neither were the words that he had chosen. You couldn't take it any longer with just a video call. You needed to take a chance, at least this time. Your phone wouldn't stop vibrating and you knew perfectly who it was. But if you answered, you would back down. You were shivering, it could be as much from the frigid cold as from the nerves.

You rang the bell and said: “Oh, and I'm afraid that's just the way the world Works. But I think that it could work for you and me. Just wait and see… It's not the end of the story”

- Noen, it's me. I'm freezing. I came for you.

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