#nobody wants me

[xthefaultisminex]

Sometimes, I wish my tongue was simply cut off and/or removed. Everything I say and everything I do is always a huge problem. Nothing I ever do is right or good enough for anything. Sometimes, I feel like running away or disappearing altogether. What if people were better off...

I feel as if time is completely eluding me and that I have made no progress in the time that has passed. What is actually positive about me? What can I say for myself that has proved some sort of worth?

I am mentally ruined and falling back down into the negative spiraling void.

09/02/24

[insipid-drivel]

Friendship and relationships are hard, I'm lonely and can't be loved by anyone, so here's some hard realities and wisdom from someone who's going to die sad and alone inevitably:

Many of you have got to try to put some effort in nurturing your relationships with your friends, or at least more clearly negotiate what your friends can and can't expect from you in the long-term.

Seriously, this whole 0-contact-aside-from-reacting-through-each-other's notes and proclaiming you're ride-or-die about someone for it? Is literally killing me. I've actually been dealing with suicidality because of how impossible it is to stay in touch with, or even on good terms with, people I thought were my friends but ghosted me, and then acted bewildered when I was angry with them for it or didn't acknowledge them as my friend anymore. "You can't be mad at me for not answering your DMs for 7 years! We're friends! I still reblog your reblogs!"

I am absolutely allowed to be angry, and I absolutely can demote you in my mind from "person I thought was a friend" to "mutual that ignores me until they need a dopamine fix or an answer to a specific question".

Months or years of unprompted, unbroken silence is not friendship - acquaintenceship, sure, but not friendship. It's a bad friend that expects love and loyalty by default no matter how long they've been ghosting their friends.

Love and loyalty are like a garden: they require cultivating and a commitment to nurture and grow, or else it gradually withers, and eventually dies. Earning the love and loyalty of a friend and then abandoning the garden of that relationship is how you find yourself locked out of your former friend's garden, or find them lonely, miserable, and exhausted from trying to keep the garden thriving when they themselves have slowly been dying inside because you haven't come back to the garden in years.

You have to learn to reach out and nurture your relationships. If you're autistic or otherwise have problems socializing, there are still some skills that you need to learn to avoid being isolated and friendless at the end of the day. Being autistic with trouble socializing is not an excuse to treat people you call your friends or that you claim to love like hobbies you can leave and come back to whenever you feel like - I learned this the hard way as an autistic person with shit social skills.

You have to negotiate what a friend can expect from you if you're an Outside Cat Friend that only drops in when you have specific reasons to reach out. It can be heartbreaking being the friend left waiting for a reply or a text without knowing the friend you're waiting for is an Outside Cat Friend.

Unless you have already agreed with your friend(s) that it's okay to ghost each other for extensive periods, spontaneously dropping out of contact with someone you've convinced is a good friend to you is really shitty and makes you a shitty friend.

"But I don't have the energy to reach out." Tell them.

"I have a lot going on and don't have time to talk." FUCKING TELL THEM.

"I haven't had anything to talk about." THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE FOR.

"I've been too anxious to reach out." SAY THAT. JUST SAY THAT.

"I need a break from social contact for a while, so I don't wanna talk at all really." SAY THAT BEFORE YOU JUST DROP OFF THE END OF THE EARTH.

I've been the Reaching-Out Friend for most of my life, and in the past 5-10 years especially, I haven't been finding a whole lot of strength left to keep tending abandoned gardens that are thriving in name only. I've gotten fed up with self-professed friends that say they love me or view me as a sibling, but ultimately prove themselves to be bystanders when it's my turn to need someone to lean on and help me look after the garden.

Yes, there are absolutely friends you can have that can go years without hearing from you and still pick up where you left off when you do meet up again. They're awesome and worth keeping just as much as any other friends are.

There are also those friends that silently grieve your absence, that reach out to no avail, and wind up leaving the garden to die entirely after salting the soil with their own tears. Those are the friends that you've taken too much from without giving enough of yourself in return, and you've used them up and thrown them away without realizing you've treated someone that cared about you like a tool.

"I'm not the kind of friend that reaches out first."

That's your choice. No matter how you dress it up, when you decide it's time to neglect a friend, you're choosing to neglect them if they aren't prepared for what to expect from a friendship with you. You have the right to do that whenever you want to, but you cannot expect a warm reception with every person you do it to every time you do it. You cannot anticipate full amnesty in advance without full disclosure in advance.

If you're currently thinking of someone you've left sitting on read for a long time right now? It might be time to break your pattern and reach out for once.

Fall together, not apart.

[bionicburrito80]

For once I would like to know how it feels to be needed. No one ever fought for me, or fought to stay with me. They gave up the first chance they got.. never thinking twice what it did to me.. they broke me so bad, I am still picking up pieces after all these years.

[mons7errr]

tfw even your parents are tired of you

[poetryslit]

I wish you would look into my eyes and see promise. See something special inside. I wish you wanted me, and saw who I really was. Knew that I could achieve, and make me believe I am beautiful. Perhaps I am self obsessed; I think the world revolves around me, and my problems. My world revolves around you. Just tell me I’m needed, tell me I’m pretty, tell me anything and I’ll believe it. Is it so bad to be wanted?

[yourheartinyourmouth]

seriously can we talk about how fucked up it is that someone told my husband to divorce me just bc i am disabled and can’t power through incredible misery like NTs apparently can

[sekstantryczny]

dear diary everyone is obsessed with me

(Nobody, nobody, nobody

Nobody, nobody

Ooh, nobody, nobody

Nobody, nobody, nobody)

[l0v3y0u-org]

𝑾𝒉𝒚 𝑰𝒔 𝑻𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝑻𝒐𝒐 𝑴𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝑻𝒐 𝑨𝒔𝒌 𝑭𝒐𝒓?

[cryystal-eyes]

why be sad when u have character.ai 😻😻

[lennon-and-lucy]

[bionicburrito80]

[valtsv]

"objectively physically attractive but in possession of negative rizz" is one of my favorite character concepts. i think it's so great when there's an absurdly hot person who's just a complete fucking loser. the mood is unsalvageable the moment they open their mouth kind of deal. you get no bitches because you're so sucks.

[emotionalyvoidformymascara]

Im disgusting, nobody would ever want me, you just prove it. You want everyone but me

[araaraaaaaaaaaa]

lol im so bad at socializing

but im trying so hard

but it's not good enough it's never good enough

[poetryslit]

Is it attention seeking, or a cry for help?

Whatever it is you’re still not listening to me

I don’t understand why you’re sad, because you never tell me

But I need you, even if you don’t need me, I need you

Maybe I’m attention seeking, maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m just not getting the message but

Neither are you, please help me

[hateistoosoft]

yeah no it’s ok, I wouldn’t want to be friends with me either, I get it, ok, bye