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acescorazon · 26 days ago

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Chapter: 24

Title: ...Accountability buddy?

Rating: M

Warnings: Language, Crocodile.

Word Count: 4286

Chapter Excerpt:

“Seriously, clown,” Crocodile frowns, “Just spit it out.”

Against his better judgment, Buggy relents, “I just want to know if I should trust someone or not.”

Crocodile scoffs. He probably thinks Buggy’s just being overly sentimental, or something. “I don’t trust no one.” He claims, but Buggy is already well aware of Crocodile’s trust issues. “But you can always give that person one chance, and if they mess up and betray you or something, just kill them.”

Oh.

“Or tell me who they are, and I’ll kill them for you if they hurt you. There, problem solved. Just be careful.”

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The rest of the night is relatively uneventful. Buggy and Mihawk continue to talk about various topics. Sometimes their conversations are light-hearted and have just a hint of playfulness to them, and other times they’re on the more serious side. Regardless of what’s being said, the two exchange words smoothly and freely with one another. It all feels so new and exciting, and Buggy almost forgets about their troubled past as time goes by – Almost.

It’s because when they’re left on their own and they actually talk to each other like two normal adults instead of yelling and fighting, they have chemistry. Good chemistry. Buggy opens up more with time and becomes his usual loud and talkative self. Whilst Mihawk takes on more of a listening role, but he still gives the conversation his all regardless.

Mihawk remains engaged and attentive the entire time they talk, often leaning in close to listen to Buggy or asking him various questions. He smiles and laughs, and touches him freely. He doesn’t make any big moves, though, just holds Buggy’s hand or occasionally touches his arm or upper thigh. It makes Buggy’s poor brain stop functioning properly, but he allows it for some reason…

Buggy won’t think too much about it, though. He can’t.

Eventually, the dark, starless sky brightens and changes colors. By the time Mihawk and Buggy realize the sun is beginning to rise, the sky is already painted gold, and the sun is shining a soft, warm light down upon them. Morning already? Buggy finds himself thinking. How is that even possible? He feels like he and Mihawk have only been talking for an hour or two at most. Was it that much fun talking with Mihawk?

Buggy doesn’t want to think about that either.

Never in a million years did Buggy think he would ever stay up all night talking to Mihawk and then watch the sun rise with him. He’s supposed to be one of the men Buggy hates the most in this world, but…it’s becoming increasingly difficult to remain indifferent or resentful towards Mihawk. Buggy doesn’t know what to do about that, part of him genuinely wants to hate Mihawk forever out of spite, but he doesn’t know if that’s even possible anymore.

Mihawk scoots a little closer, invading all of Buggy’s damn personal space. Buggy wants to bitch at him and tell him that he only has so much space on the crate he’s on, but he doesn’t because Mihawk’s giving him that annoyingly soft look again. They exchange glances and afterwards, Mihawk rests his head on Buggy’s shoulder. Oh, they’re doing this now? Buggy tenses up, less because of discomfort and more because of surprise. He huffs, “Who do you think you’re snuggling up to, idiot?” he mutters under his breath.

“You.” Mihawk simply replies, “Can we just stay like this for a couple of minutes? I want to enjoy this moment with you.” Buggy should say no, he really should, but he doesn’t. Instead, he grunts quietly in response and leaves Mihawk be. Every affectionate word or sentence, and every soft gesture, feels like a direct attack to the walls Buggy has built around his heart.

At this point, the walls Buggy has built up to protect himself from being hurt feel like they’re made of glass. It wouldn’t be a problem, though, if Mihawk’s words and actions weren’t so impactful. Buggy keeps trying to shield himself, but Mihawk’s starting to come at him fast. If Buggy’s walls are made of glass, then Mihawk’s shattering them with a sledgehammer, and no matter how many times Buggy tries to rebuild them, Mihawk just tears them down again.

Buggy’s entire being feels like it’s at war with itself. His mind is telling him one thing, but his body completely disagrees, and his heart is caught somewhere in between the two. The confliction he feels is almost sickening at times, but he can’t stop himself from being pulled in several different directions at once.

What the hell is he supposed to do?

Buggy’s fingers are itching to reach up and caress Mihawk’s short, raven hair, but he resists the urge and stays completely still as they gaze up at the sky together. He has to get his shit together. He feels like an idiot, and a hypocrite, an—

“You look stunning underneath the morning sun, you know that, right, Buggy? Your skin and hair are practically glowing.” There, that right there, was another strike to Buggy’s poor, conflicted heart. He whines, actually fucking whines before muttering, “Shut the hell up, you’re so damn cheesy.” He says all that yet, he still rests his cheek on the top of Mihawk’s head.

“I can’t help it,” Mihawk murmurs, “I’m practically smitten at this point.” Buggy’s stomach flips after that one word: ‘Smitten.’ Why can’t he just have a simple crush on Buggy? Why does Mihawk always have to take things to the extreme? And doesn’t he feel any shame or embarrassment, how can he just openly discuss his feelings like this?

“I hate your guts.” It’s a blatant lie on Buggy’s part, but his words don’t seem to effect Mihawk in the slighest. “I know, and you have every right to hate me.” What’s the point in lashing out at him when it does nothing at this point? It doesn’t even start an argument or put distance between them anymore. Is this more for Buggy? Is he trying to convince himself that he still hates Mihawk when…

When he knows better.

Buggy goes silent, and despite his cold words, he closes his eyes for a moment and just enjoys the closeness between them and the gentle breeze that’s blowing. His brain is screaming at himself to stop this nonsense, but his heart is telling him to stay still and enjoy himself – And God knows his heart controls him more than his mind does.

The gentle sound of the ocean provides the perfect background noise as Buggy allows himself to let go and snuggle with the Dracule Mihawk of all people. It’s all so serene, like the two of them are in their own little world, until Buggy hears a door opening and his eyes shoot open. He shoves Mihawk away from him and ignores the look of confusion and even slight disappointment on the world’s strongest swordsman’s face.

“I…” Buggy stands up and clears his throat, “I ought to check on the crew and assign everyone their duties for the day before going to bed.” he announces, fighting back the urge to scream because he's just now fully processing what they were doing and the fact that they could have gotten caught by anyone.

“...Right.” Mihawk stands up as well, “I suppose I should head to bed now that my duties are officially over, then.” There’s a small pause before Mihawk reaches out and squeezes Buggy’s hand, “I’ll see you later then…” He looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. Instead Mihawk simply turns around and heads towards his quarters, and Buggy stares at his fleeting figure, feeling helpless.

Fuck.

…

It takes Buggy a little longer than expected to handle his affairs, but once he’s made sure everything is running smoothly on the ship, he returns to his room to finally get some sleep. He flops down on his bed with a loud groan and buries his face into a plush pillow. Truth be told, he doesn’t really want to go to sleep, but he should try anyways.

Buggy closes his eyes, and the moment he does, all he can see is Mihawk and all the stupidly charming faces he makes while he’s around him. He sees him smiling and laughing freely first - has anyone ever seen him like that before, or is Buggy the only one? It doesn’t matter, he tells himself a moment later, trying not to think too much into things. When he tries to shake that image out of his head, another one pops up, and Buggy sees Mihawk with a soft, dreamy expression on his face instead. He quickly tries to rid that face in particular from his own memory but fails.

God, why does he look at me like that…?

Buggy opens his eyes and stares at the wooden walls of his room. He hopes that maybe he’ll be able to force thoughts and images of Mihawk out of his head if he focuses on something else. So, he takes in the design of his captain’s quarters for a moment. It’s technically only his second or third time even being in this room, so he takes the time to properly look at the decorations as well as the furnishings that his men placed after they finished the ship. Everything is probably a tad too rustic for Crocodile or Mihawk’s liking, but Buggy doesn’t have a problem with it. The various pieces of brown wooden furniture and the rough textures they take on make their flagship feel like an authentic pirate ship instead of some modern party cruise.

After staring at a painting of a pond for a good minute and taking in every detail about said painting, Buggy heaves a sigh and tries to go to sleep again. His mind is blank for less than two seconds, though, before his thoughts start to wander again. The first thing he pictures is himself and Mihawk sitting next to each other under the night sky, holding hands, and it makes him want to scream.

Buggy quickly tries to think of something else before the scene from earlier can play out in his head. He goes over what he has to do once he wakes up (if he even falls asleep) before he makes a mental note to call Cabaji and Mohji either tonight or tomorrow. He wonders what the pair are doing right now and if they’re okay. They haven’t been at sea for long, but Buggy still misses them and worries about them anyways. He’ll definitely have to bring Cabaji, Mohji, and even Alvida on the next trip to Prickly Pear with them, things just aren’t the same without them.

Buggy tosses and turns after that, unable to find a comfortable position in bed as he avoids more incoming memories of Mihawk and their time spent together. Most of them have flirty undertones to them, but suddenly a down-right nasty memory of Mihawk pops up in his head without warning. He recalls one of the times when Mihawk verbally berated him and threw a series of downright hateful insults at him. He remembers the way he looked, and how his eyes were filled with pure disdain. He looked at Buggy like he was a squashed bug underneath a pair of brand new shoes.

That memory in particular makes Buggy’s heart ache. That ache turns into something more, something bigger, something that’s genuinely painful as Buggy relives the same moment over and over again, like he’s unable to remember any other memory but that one. It brings along a sense of anxiety and doubt with it:

Has Mihawk really changed?

Are his feelings genuine?

How is it possible that Mihawk went from hating Buggy’s guts to liking him so easily? Nothing’s changed about Buggy, so what made Mihawk change all of a sudden? Was guilt really enough to change him completely?

Buggy’s questions are nothing new, they’re just back and haunting his thoughts again. It would be better to ask how Buggy would feel if Mihawk hasn’t changed, if his feelings aren’t genuine and he has ulterior motives. How would he feel if this were all a perfectly constructed lie or Mihawk ends up hurting him again?

You’re just being paranoid again, he tells himself, but then an anxious part of him wonders if he’s wrong. What if he’s letting Mihawk get close to him way too easily? What if he’s being too forgiving? What if this all comes back to bite him in the ass?

Buggy rolls over in bed again and tries to stop everything – all the doubt, the fear, the secret feelings, and the conflicting thoughts. He just wants to sleep, that’s all. He doesn’t want to have these thoughts or to be afraid and indecisive. More than anything, though, he doesn’t want to be wrong or hurt again.

He hates this feeling, this feeling of both helplessness and hopelessness. He remembers just how little control he has over his life, and how he has horrible luck. Wouldn’t it be just his luck if Mihawk crushed his heart to pieces?

Why is he trying to give Mihawk his heart in the first place?

He isn’t, he’s just… It doesn't matter.

Buggy’s eyes shoot open again, and he looks over at the clock at his bedside. It’s 10:37. Every time he closes his eyes and then opens them again, the clock says something different. First it’s 8:21, but then it’s 10:37. Soon 11:45 goes by, followed by 12:56 and 1:15. Buggy falls into a light sleep at some point after that, but the next time he opens his eyes the clock reads 2:55.

Buggy sits up in bed. He feels wide awake again, despite the fact that he hasn’t slept all night or morning. He can’t do this anymore, though. He can’t go to bed thinking about Mihawk, and then think of him first thing when he wakes up too. Buggy needs to make up his mind for real this time. Does he hate the guy, or does he like him? Does he want to push him away, or does he want to let him in?

Buggy just wants to protect himself, that’s all, but he doesn’t know how. He doesn’t know if he’s wrong about everything or if he’s making a complete fool of himself, or what. He doesn’t know if Mihawk will end up hurting him, or how he’s supposed to give a man who’s done him wrong in the past his complete trust either.

Buggy runs his hand through his hair and sighs. He needs to stop, because if he starts freaking out about Mihawk, then he’ll start freaking out about Crocodile and questioning everything. He’ll undo any progress the three have made over the last several weeks, but Buggy is so confused that it hurts.

In his moment of distress, he wonders what Gol D. Roger would do in this situation. Honestly, Buggy’s former captain would never be in this situation in the first place, he was just too likable, but he still tries to think of what he would do anyways. Knowing him, he’d probably just go with the flow, but Buggy hates not having control of things in his life. That kind of adaptability is what made Roger a better man than Buggy could ever be.

Don’t think, just go with the flow. Even if Mihawk or Crocodile screw him over, Buggy can always recover from it. He’s been through a lot worse, a hell of a lot worse, what is he even afraid of?

(Everything.)

Buggy sucks at controlling his emotions, he always has. He’s not Shanks or Rayleigh, and he sure as hell is not Roger. He can’t just make the best of a bad situation like his former crewmates could/can. At the same time, he knows he can’t keep backtracking and running whenever things become overwhelming. He should man up and face any troubles that come his way bravely.

…Too bad Buggy’s a major coward, huh?

…

Buggy finally realizes that he isn’t going to get any sleep and decides to get out of bed and look for a transponder snail. He needs to talk to someone about his dilemma and wants to call either Cabaji or Mohji early. There’s just one problem: Buggy discovers that there’s only one transponder snail on the entire ship, and, of course, Crocodile has it. What does he even need it for? That man doesn’t have any friends.

Buggy gathers up whatever courage he needs to go track down Crocodile and the transponder snail, and after about five minutes, one of his men tells him exactly where he can find Crocodile: “Oh, he’s in his room, Captain! He said something about doing paperwork earlier!” Does he ever do anything other than work? He wonders, but then rolls his eyes. He really doesn’t care what Crocodile does as long as he isn’t antagonizing Buggy or the rest of the crew.

Honestly, Buggy should have checked Crocodile’s room first, but he didn’t want to go anywhere near Crocodile’s bedroom just in case he decided to tell Buggy that he wanted his entire room redesigned and refurnished. Then again, Crocodile hasn’t made any unreasonable requests in a while. Maybe he wouldn’t do that, but there’s only one way to find out.

Buggy heads to Crocodile’s room after quickly checking up on his crew. Here goes nothing, He thinks as he stops in front of the door. He takes a deep breath before he finally knocks, just ask for the transponder snail and leave before he can make you do something. There’s a long moment of silence before Buggy hears the sound of a chair scraping against wooden floor boards, and less than a second later, Crocodile yanks his door open. “What now?!” He snaps, but then something happens.

He realizes that Buggy’s the one at his door, and his expression relaxes slightly. “Oh, it’s you. I thought you were one of the others…” he mutters. Why the hell are you answering the door like that? Buggy thinks with a frown, but he doesn’t bother asking that question because this is Crocodile we’re talking about here. There’s a pause before Crocodile speaks up again, “You look like shit.”

Two nights ago he was a pretty boy, and today he looks like shit. Buggy doesn’t know if he should be offended or relieved. “When was the last time you slept?” Crocodile asks.

“Who cares?” Buggy mutters in response, “Besides. I’m fine. Can I have the transponder snail? I want to call the island and make sure everything is okay there,” He states, which isn’t a lie exactly, but it isn’t the whole truth either.

“Yeah, but you don’t gotta do that,” Crocodile replies as he turns around and grabs the transponder snail off his bedside table, “I called them this morning.” He tells Buggy, and this information makes him raise an eyebrow in response.

“You called them? What for?”

“To make sure the Marines didn’t blow them up. I talked to that woman earlier. Everyone’s fine and so is the island.”

“Alvida?”

“Yeah, I guess. I never bothered to learn anyone’s name.”

Why is that not surprising? Buggy thinks, shaking his head. He takes the transponder snail from Crocodile, and quietly thanks him before continuing their small talk: “I didn’t know you cared about the island or anyone who lives on it.”

“If the Marines blow it up, or the island gets burned down in a raid or something, we gotta look for a new place to live.” Crocodile states, sounding completely serious and almost business like. He doesn’t sound concerned about the potential loss of life or property at all, in fact he’s acting like it would be a minor inconvenience, “I want to know if something happens ahead of time, so I’m prepared. I’m not saying it will happen, but I have a couple of other islands other than Prickly Pear lined up just in case.” Yeah, he doesn’t care at all.

Buggy stares at Crocodile for a moment. He knows better than to question or argue with Crocodile by now, but when has knowing better ever stopped him in the past? “Oh, so you don’t give a shit if hundreds of our men are killed?” he asks.

“I didn’t say that. I’m just telling you I have a backup plan in case our home is destroyed.”

“Okay, but would you even be willing to go back if something did happen to the island?”

Crocodile goes silent. His lack of response speaks volumes, and it’s clear he wouldn’t want to turn the ship around even if their crew were under attack back at home. “Look, we’re about three days away from the island. It would take another three days just to get back to Emptee Bluffs. If there were a buster call or a catastrophic attack tomorrow, we wouldn’t make it back in time.” Oh, Buggy really hates it when Crocodile makes sense. “Depending on how bad things are, we might not be able to go back in general. “

“Yeah, but...”

“In that case, our organization would take a major blow and we would have to go on the defense. We’re only so strong and there’s only so many Marines we can take on at once, especially if our numbers are down.” Buggy knows Crocodile’s words are true, but they’re still hard to accept. “We’d be in danger and would need to get somewhere safe to rebuild and regroup. There wouldn’t be time to go back and mourn. We’d have to keep going.”

“I know, but…”

Crocodile sighs, “Look, I know that’s not what you want to hear, but we have to be prepared for anything and we have to keep moving no matter what. Why do you think I stress about going to Prickly Pear so much? I know we’re on borrowed time and that the Marines won’t be afraid to attack forever. I know that one day they’re going to attack Emptee Bluffs and I want to minimize the damage Cross Guild takes. We either stay one step ahead of them or die. And I ain’t dying any time soon.”

Buggy bites the inside of his cheek, instead of chewing Crocodile out for his bluntness and apparent lack of empathy, he asks a simple question: “How are you so sure of yourself all the damn time?” Why is everyone in Buggy’s life so confident and brave? Why is he the only one who struggles to make up his mind? “How do you just… accept things as they are and continuously move forward? Don’t you ever worry?”

“No.”

Buggy suppresses a groan. Crocodile is incredible at giving advice, isn’t he? Then again, Buggy doesn’t know why he asked Crocodile of all people for advice in the first place. A dead fish is probably more insightful than Crocodile. “Great talk.” Buggy mutters, clutching the transponder snail close to his chest. “Well, I should get going.” he says before he turns around to leave now that his and Crocodile’s conversation is all but over.

“Wait.” Crocodile says before he reaches out and grabs Buggy by the arm. “I can’t worry or hesitate. We don’t get that kind of privilege as pirates.” He tells him slowly, “I don’t know what will happen in the future, which is why I make a decision and try my best to be prepared for any possible outcome.”

“And if you fail? or If you’re wrong?”

“Minimize any loss or damage and move forward. There will always be more opportunities for me to try again or do something new in the future, unless I kick the bucket.” Crocodile’s advice is a bit stiff, but it’s definitely positive, that’s for sure. It still doesn’t do much to comfort Buggy, though.

“Okay, Yeah, but how do I become more decisive?”

“Get out of your own damn head and stop overthinking things.” Yeah, that’s easier said than done, though. “Or come to me, and I’ll make up your mind for you and make sure you stick to your plans.” Crocodile pauses, “I’ll be like your accountability buddy or some shit. “

Crocodile as Buggy’s accountability buddy…? That would be… horrifying but probably effective, actually. He’s not too sure how well that would work regarding personal matters, though. Crocodile isn’t exactly someone Buggy can confide to. "What kind of decision do you need to make anyways?” Crocodile asks, “I’ll tell you what to do.”

Buggy needs to figure out how to deal with this Mihawk situation, but he can’t tell Crocodile that. “Um, it’s nothing.” he insists, turning towards Crocodile and laughing nervously.

“Just tell me, I already know you’re struggling with something.”

Buggy groans. There’s no way he can actually tell Crocodile what’s bothering him, and even if he could, he wouldn’t. He would much rather talk to Cabaji, Mohji, or Alvida about his problems, they’re far less impatient and judgmental than Crocodile is. Buggy tries to think of a bullshit question to ask Crocodile, but takes too long to reply.

“Seriously, clown,” Crocodile frowns, “Just spit it out.”

Against his better judgment, Buggy relents, “I just want to know if I should trust someone or not.”

Oh.

“Or tell me who they are, and I’ll kill them for you if they hurt you. There, problem solved. Just be careful.”

Buggy wouldn’t say his problems are solved by any means, if anything he feels like he’s gained one new problem in the form of Crocodile being a rather aggressive friend. Is that what this is? An aggressive form of kindness and friendship? “...Alright…” Buggy agrees hesitantly, though he’s not sure if he can really come to Crocodile if Mihawk ends up betraying his trust, “...I’m going to go call the island now.”

“Wait.” Crocodile suddenly orders, “Come sit with me for a couple of minutes.”

"What?"

"You heard me. Let's talk for a little bit."

#cross guild #changes #my writing #I'm trying out new dividers off of tumblr dot com instead of using the same shitty purple one i usually use. dont @ me #also i read this one (1) time so i really dont know if there are any typos or not. We're just going to go with it though so i can move on

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