#no one needed to know all this I am just rambling in my diary that is tumblr dot com don’t mind me

[seilon]

kinda hate that my go-to non-merch clothing store choices are vans and hollister like we GET it im fucking californian

[miscling]

About Miscling

This is a horny blog for horny blog things. Please don't interact if you're a minor/under 18, go away, shoo. if you follow me, make sure to have some indication of your age in your bio or pinned

😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

i am nameless, so call me whatever you like, lin is fine if you need a name. i am a girl, toy, doll, cow, kitty, slut, and ditz. i like to talk to people and am not scary at all, so send asks and dms about anything at all as much as you like. i'll try to respond to everyone!

i am an obedient good girl, who likes being praised. i like being given tasks to do and then be praised for doing the task!

This is a hornyblog that mostly follows other horny and trans blogs. i am a trans woman who has a cunt, i am also autistic and have adhd.

i would like to get to know other poly queer trans people who are very kinky and would especially like messages/follows from them. i am a fun trans sub looking for other trans people ^^ i am mostly T4T, but cis people are fun to play with too! I am in the UK, and would desperately like to hear from any other queer trans people that are also here.

i (re)blog about edging, hypno kink, bdsm, fetishwear, tickling, masochism, petplay (i'm a kitty), hucows/lactation, monsterfucking, CNC, mindbreaking, dollification, dronification, and a lot of generally weird horny things that i'm into. i'm an exhibitionist, submissive, and easily controlled by people who make me feel safe. i'm just a dumb horny girl who is controlled by her cunt. i do not consider myself a person but a toy, i am not a person in the way a cherished item or pet is not a person.

Real people don't wish they weren't people, after all.

Also, i started collecting likes on my previous pinned, saying if i got to 100 notes I'd start sharing links to my edging audios on my blog. If i carry on, and got up to 31 on my last pinned, then this one only needs to get to... 69 (hehe nice) before i'll start doing it. You should like this post if you read it!

Tags and links:

About Miscling contains every post that's about me.

You can find pics of me in Miscling Appears. (it's okay to go on a reblogging and liking spree through them) i make original posts under Miscling Rambles and posts about my lactation journey in Miscling Lactates i also make polls, which you can find in my Miscling Polls tag. you can hear my voice in the Miscling Speaks tag and over at my soundgasm page!

You can send me tasks with my ask tasks meme! I will take tasks from literally anyone ^^ you can see tasks I've done here! If you like or follow my blog, think about sending me a task as a little gift!

I learned to edge last year and was broken by a poll I ran to get permission to cum here then here and here. i hope to never cum again without being forced. i can't be forced to cum over the internet. i kept an edging diary for a while and my last orgasm was 1feb24.

I love to write, and I especially like to write about kink. Read bits about my play with Miscling Plays and stories I wrote with Miscling Writes.

Use my ask box liberally, anon or not. i'll answer near anything and you can use my ask meme tag and miscling answers to find questions to ask me (scroll the tag and use any meme you like, but copy in the questions or link the meme!)

I have a lovense wishlist (long distance remote vibrators)

I have an amazon wishlist (lingerie and random kink things)

I have a cashapp link (if you just want to tip me directly)

I have a ko-fi link! (please don't reference anything nsfw on kofi if you use this)

I'm trying to tag my kinks so i can find them when i want them, this is no guarantee that i'll tag things though. mommysub for posts about being a mommysub, goddess thoughts for religionplay where i'm a subby goddess, Bind Miscling for bondage, hit me for masochism, moo for hucow things, lee mood for tickling, oh my circuits for robot/drone things, maid day for maids, tidy up tuesday for my maid day, monsterling for monsterfucking posts, hypno gif, spiral, hypno txt, and hypnaudio, for hypno play, and hypnoslut for general hypno posts, preyling for primal play, latexcellent for rubberwear, and as i figure out others i'll add them...

I'm a slutty set of holes, a toy for others to use. Fill my mouth, cunt, and ass.

Also, I have some limits:

i have a nest partner, i won't let anything come between us

i do not like misogyny, transphobia, racism, or bigotry. This applies to kink too.

i don't like possessive language, only people i trust can own me

please don't try to make me cum or ask/tell me to

don't call me a bitch or a puppy. i like puppy petplayers a lot, but i am a kitty petplayer.

i don't like being treated as inferior, i might be submissive, but i should still matter and be treated with care and respect

sissy blogs dni, i am a woman, do not reblog my pics to your sissy blog, i will block you if i spot you.

i am a toy for others to enjoy!

(Most tasks recieved and completed in one day: 18) (Most tasks recieved on a special occasion: 48)

ASK TASKS: OPEN

use my ask box to send me tasks to do! i'd love to entertain and perform for you all! i am a good and obedient girl, and i enjoy getting tasks to do!

choose one or more task emoji and send them to me! include instructions if you send complicated tasks

tasks can come from anyone, even anons!

i'll do tasks as soon as i can! i have to finish my work wach day before i can play and i've grown very busy lately. basic tasks i'll do on my own, but i'll need help for the slightly more complicated ones so they might be a little while! Mutuals can DM me with DM tasks, and if i'm available we'll play ^^

task list below the readmore

BASIC TASK LIST!

🗜️ make me wear nipple clamps for 5 minutes! 📦 make me wear 10 pegs on my cunt for 10 minutes! 🤚 make me slap my cunt 5 times! ⚡ choose a part of me and make me use my TENS unit there for 10 mins. 🪆 dolly time! for the next 30 mins make me cup my hands, stay on my tip toes, and arch my back. 😺/🐮 petplay! for the next 30mins, make me keep off my furniture and only move around on all fours. make me put on my animal ears based on which one you send! 🤖 make me a good robot and complete one thing on my to-do list! ♾️ make me get my breast cups and pump my breasts for 15 mins! 🤐 make me gag myself for half an hour! (tell me what kind of gag to use and if I have it I'll use it, otherwise I'll pick) 🧣 make me put on my collar if i'm not already wearing it! 👗 make me get undressed and be naked for the next 30 mins! ✏️ make me write what you tell me on my body where you tell me! 💖 make me draw a little heart on myself where you tell me! 😵‍💫 make me stare at a spiral for 5 minutes (send me a spiral to use) (i won't use spirals that give me bad vibes, but i'll use any i've already reblogged) 🗣️ ask me anything, name a kink or give me a topic to write about (kinky or otherwise) and make me infodump about it. 🔊 send me a post or a write something for me to record saying, and i'll post the recording. 📝 make me go add 100 words to my current WIP novel. 🫴 make me edge for 10 minutes (Send me instructions, porn, a post to edge to, or a mantra to repeat while I do it, you can use my mantra tag for ideas. i cannot do this task on thursdays) 🕳️ make me fill up a hole for 10 minutes! (Choose to plug my cunt or/and ass, i cannot do this task on thursdays) 👅 make me stick my tongue out for 10 minutes! 💋 make me go practice deepthroating for 5 mins! 🍇 make me go get a snack and a drink! ❌ make me go take a break outside for 5 mins! 😴 make me go lay down in bed for 15 mins, no screens allowed.

SLIGHTLY MORE COMPLICATED TASK LIST!

👋 i'll ask my nestie to tickle me for 5 mins! (check my toybox) 🖐️ i'll ask my nestie to slap me 10 times! choose my face or tits 🏓 i'll ask my nestie to hit me 10 times! choose my ass or thighs (check my toybox) 👣 i'll ask my nestie to put elastic bands around my feet and snap the band against my soles 10 times. (nestie enjoys doing this to me) 🫶 i'll ask my nestie to choke me and hold my breath over a 5 minute session (please do not mix with other tasks) ⛓️ i'll get myself tied up and restrained for 30 mins! 🥊 No hands! make me put on my hand mitts for 15 minutes!

DM TASKS

If we're mutuals, you can dm me and play with me in other ways. Ask me for my lovense toy control links, combine tasks into one bigger task, send me files to listen to or hypnotise me yourselves, make me wear a diaper or control my toilet use, or suggest other things to do with me that you'd like! Non-mutuals who've gotten to know me can ask to play too.

Or...

⁉️ Give me a task not listed! (You can find the contents of my toybox here for ideas) (I reserve the right to safeword, but I'm very open and obedient, so shoot your shot)

[shrimp-buffet]

LARRY & LAWRIE HEADCANNONS

Because they took over my brain after Kit betrayed me- (headcannons after the cut)

I’ve never really made one of these types of post before and don’t know if I’ll ever make more, but I just suddenly got struck with the need to share my ideas with these two and I don’t personally know people as into Brawl Stars as I am so making this post is the best way I could think of! Maybe if this gets received well I’m make more but no guarantees.

Anyway sorry for this pre-ramble, onto the actual headcannons:

Larry focused, Lawrie focused, Both

•Larry uses He/They pronouns, while Lawrie uses just They/Them

• Larry & Lawrie have a sort of Bluetooth-like connection between them. If one gets too far out of range, they both lose some or all of their functionality, which is why they’re never seen too far from each other.

•Their connection range is actually pretty generous, so they could go off and do their own things around the park. But they would still need to work around each other’s schedules to stay in range which can be a hassle, so it’s usually only on special occasions. (Much to Larry’s dismay)

•Larry is the much more social one, and while he does genuinely love spending time with his sibling, they desperately want to be able to spend more time hanging out with others on his own.

•Despite Larry’s extroverted nature he doesn’t actually have a lot of friends because they’re a bit of a buzzkil

•Lawrie tries (and usually fails) to hide it, but they’re extremely overprotective of Larry. Rushing into battles to protect him and following them around the park even if Larry asks them not to.

•for example of the previous: One time Larry was walking through the garden, thinking they were finally alone when Lawrie jumps in out of nowhere and just obliterates a bush having completed missed a little bunny. When Larry gets mad Lawrie explains that they thought there was a dangerous animal following him.

•Larry doesn’t get why Lawrie is so protective of him, but he is similar protective of R-T (albeit to a much smaller extent)

•Lawrie held a grudge on that bunny for embarrassing them. That specific bunny seems to intentionally menace them constantly and they consider it their enemy.

•While Lawrie is a bit of a tsundere about their brotherly love, they’re not one in general. They just genuinely dislike most people.

•The two of them fight, argue and insult each other a lot, but if anyone else saying anything rude to the other they both go sicko mode. Lawrie especially has no mercy.

•Lawrie punches people in the arm a lot. Totally unrelated, (/s) Larry’s arm is always sore

•Larry LOVES the Princess Diaries series! When they found out Fang also likes it (R-T told him) he spent a whole day binging the series with Fang in an empty theater

•As implied in the pervious, Larry occasionally gossips with R-T. He knows it’s wrong and feels guilty about it, but it’s too interesting for them to resist it.

•Lawrie has to keep tell R-T to stop gossiping, and Larry to stop enabling it. It doesn’t work but they try.

This is getting long so I’ll end it here. If you got this far thank you for reading!! Let me know if you’d be interested in other characters or even more of these two!

[curio-queries]

I saw Jungkook's documentary this weekend and have just a few thoughts. If you're avoiding spoilers, don't click the cut!

The Hybe Documentary Format

So...as a reminder to you all, I do not have professional expertise in the film industry. I'm just a very discerning consumer. I also haven't seen Hobi's documentary and I watched Road to D-Day while I was quite ill last year so I only vaguely remember some bits. (I'll definitely be getting back to those sooner rather than later though as research for a series of posts I'm developing.) That being said, I think we have enough data points to state that Hybe has absolutely no interest in filmmaking techniques outside of music videos.

I did mostly enjoy my experience seeing this film yesterday and I'm always grateful for any amount of footage the members are willing to share with us but this 'documentary ' was worse than Jimin's Production Diary. Any of you that managed to make it through my rambling review will know how dissatisfied I was with that.

I Am Still is not a documentary, it's a mixture of showcase footage and behind-the-scenes clips, most of which has already been divulged in the various episodes and shooting sketches on YouTube. Honestly, if you're not able to see the film, just go rewatch all of the bangtantv content for JKs solo period and the showcase and you'll be up to speed with 85% of what was in the documentary.

There are definitely some expansions to the storylines featured in the bangtantv content; mostly being anything that wasn't overtly optimistic. For example, we learn a little bit more about just how sick JK was during the Seven/3D promotions. That content likely was pulled from the bangtantv edit because it would have put a damper on the promotions and given certain 'fans' a focus to fixate their vitriol. But overall, it feels more like an extended version of existing content rather than a new work. At least JPD didn't continually feed us footage we'd seen before.

I'm someone who gets completely bothered by previews spoiling content so I didn't watch any of the promos until after I saw it and I am so glad I skipped them because most of the 'original' scenes of the film were featured in least one of them. Alas, that's a separate issue of which I'm definitely in the minority.

Was There No Structure?

Kinda. Like JPD, there is a semblance of a structure: Attempting to follow the chronology of release activities for JKs GOLDEN album through the lens of JKs staement trying to prove that he is still worthy of everything he was being hailed as during the BTS group activities but I don't feel this was successfully executed. It jumps round enough and isn't very successful in explaining the events if you didn't already know about them. The film starts with the SEVEN performance at GMA and footage that we've already seen of JK recording SEVEN, not mentioning anything about the music video or really how JK got involved with the song in the first place. The rest of the story beats have similar missing points.

They have a vague narrative with the 'I Am Still' points but that's mostly carried by subs and a couple of moments that JK mentions himself. I'm not saying it's not true or wasn't top-of-mind for JK during this process but it's not the main point of many of the moment/messages he shared with us during this time period so it feels a little disingenuous since everything else jn this film really only makes sense if you've already seen quite a lot of behind-the-scenes content.

Honestly, it makes me question the intended audience. Obviously, they know that ARMY will shell out whatever we need to when there's new content from our members but most of us will have already seen all of the bangtantv content so we are already familiar with the most of the footage in this film. I genuinely don't think this was produced in such a way to be palatable for audiences not familiar with BTS so who does that leave? Our friends and family that are peripherally aware of the content but haven't learned the basics of JKs album? ARMY with short term memories only?

But again, it seems this film was compiled by an editing team and not lead by a director with experience in crafting a documentary. The only new footage that Ican guarantee was captured with the express purpose of being included in this film was the few clips of JK talking in the practice room with the albums displayed by him. But we all know that's where all of the promo clips were gathered as well. I have issues with that approach as well but I'll leave this point alone for now unless anyone is interested.

Suffice it to say, all of these suppositions over the past year about how JKs documentary was getting special treatment or even questioning about investment in a project up front are dead. This was a product assembled with bits of what they already had completely in-house which was sold for distribution.

So, Did We Learn NOTHING?

No, there are a few Golden nuggets (see what I did there?). I can't recall everything having only seen it once (and having a rather disruptive audience - I swear there were only dozen or so ppl in my theater but I forget how obnoxious teenagers can be. I'm glad they're enjoying and supporting but we really didn't need light sticks flashing during a film and how many times does one person need to get up to answer their phone during this runtime? Three according to the row in front of mine.)

Anyway, something I thought was interesting to learn was that Standing Next To You was initially recorded the day after JK heard it for the first time. And hearing a little more about how JK yearned to perform that song definitelygot me thinking a little more about it. We can't reach any conclusions just with this little nugget but it does open the door to some theories. Like perhaps they were initially planning to have JK record two separate albums? SEVEN and 3D would be the singles of the first and JK would perform them as we saw but perhaps STNY was originally planned to be the single of the 2nd album that would release while he was in the military and thus be unable to perform it? Maybe JK loved STNY so much that everything was grouped into one album and Never Let Go was the only track held back for ms? Definitely some theorizing space to be had now.

Final thoughts?

Similar to my thoughts on the GCF: Budapest (which I feel would have had a much better reception if it had been labeled as a bangtan episode rather than a GCF), I AM Still should not have purported to be a documentary. It was much more similar to the annual Memories compilations. But the general public would not have shelled out the $25 to go to a theater to watch a Memories DVD so alas, we have our content packaged as a ~documentary~...

Did my view on the music change at all? Not because of the documentary. We're coming up on the year anniversary of GOLDEN and it's still definitely not my favorite. I completely understand why some people like it but it's just not to my taste. The overall impact falls a little flat for me. Too much breadth and not enough depth. I came into my musical soul during the 00s emo phase and will always be a sucker for music that absolutely drips in an emotional way rather than catchy songs vaguely referencing heartache and love. Again, just a matter of viewpoint.

I do think most of these songs stand much better being shuffled amongst other artists in a Playlist and several of them are significantly better when JK sang them live but I still won't be listening to them regularly. I wholeheartedly believe JK completed his task of proving himself as an extremely dedicated and versatile singer and performer. He's definitely got some solid points added to his resume after this project.

[midnghtprentiss]

family - spencer reid

summary: four times spencer and his daughter made you feel like family and one time you were family.

singledad!spencer x reader

a/n: no use of y/n, no body descriptions, a couple os swear words, pregnancy. english >is not< my first language. enjoy!

materlist

One.

Spencer became a dad at a really young age. He was twenty one when his daughter, Estelle, was born. Her biological mom left and since this day he was a single father and the best he could ever be. When he entered the BAU, she was three and he wasn’t alone anymore. Everyone helped him besides he insisted it was fine. Penelope was the first one to put Este under her wings and took her everywhere. During the trips he trusted his baby’s life with the blonde woman and every time was the best decision.

Things changed when they welcomed you to the team. Emily and you were greeted at the same time but you caught his eye. Not because you have the same age but how his daughter was obsessed with you. She couldn’t hear your voice and see your face that it was over to everybody. You used to joke that if she went missing it was her fault. A few times Spencer forgot that she was not your real kid and his mind played tricks on him. 

‘’Reid, I’m taking your daughter home with me. You’re never seeing her again, just like Tangled.’’ You blew him a kiss and the sound of Estelle’s laugh made everyone smile. ‘’I am the funniest person you know, hm? But I’m serious, if you need some time to sleep, read or do whatever I can watch her. The girls are coming over tonight and we love to have Ellie around.’’ 

‘Ellie’’ was the nickname you gave her. The only one that called her like that. He loved how you created such a beautiful bond and he can count on you all the time, even when he doesn’t have to say a word in moments like this. Like a family. 

‘’It’s alright, I need to take her bag in the car but you can take her. Thank you, I really need to sleep.’’ He smiles at your direction, taking his kid again. 

‘’We are leaving at five, when she’s ready you know where to find me.’’ You come closer to him, holding the little girl's hand. ‘’Are you ready to your first girls night, Ellie?’’

A not normal but really close family and he was so grateful for the love they were receiving from everybody, especially you.

Two.

Estelle was growing really fast with the most normal childhood Spencer guaranteed. He made sure she had friends, a nice school, a normal house with a princess room. All the things he didn’t have, he guaranteed she had. She understands sometimes daddy was away for work but auntie Penny was taking good care of her and making a lot of tea parties with her dolls. 

She was ten at the time and still obsessed with you. You were her role model of a woman. Smart, pretty, funny and knew her favorite books by heart. She almost considered you as a mother though it was a secret she kept in her heart. Spencer was enamored by how you two treated each other with love and respect.

The team just got back from a case when Spencer heard Estelle’s giggles from something Penelope said and smiled. He stayed away for ten days but it feels like an eternity, he missed waking up with her shaking him and asking for pancakes, he missed her reading her books for him and definitely missed her rambling nonstop over things she learned at school, saw during the day and the scenarios her pretty head was creating. God, he was such a sucker for his baby. 

‘’Daddy!’’ All he saw was a cute girl running with a pink fluffy skirt, a purple shirt under a jeans jacket and rainy unicorn boots. 

‘’My baby! How are you? I missed you so much. I brought you a gift.’’ He took her in his arms, giving her a kiss on the cheek. 

‘’A snowglobe?’’ He nods laughing at her reaction. ‘’I miss you daddy. I have so many things to tell you I wrote all in my diary so I won’t forget.’’ She was proud of her actions and so was Spencer. 

It took her a few seconds to finally snap and look around for you. The desperation of not finding you was real for a moment, until she saw you at your desk. The brightest smile appeared on her face when you waved and she runned into your direction. 

‘’I finally found you! I miss you, ya know? I asked aunty Penny to help me get you a gift for your birthday and I can’t wait until next week, so here it is.’’ She grabs the little sparkling bag with Penelope and gives it to you. 

When you opened the bag there was a picture of you two together at her birthday party from last year. She was smiling while you laughed at something you don’t remember now. Your smile got bigger and you just hugged her. 

‘’I love it so much! I’ll put it in my desk so I always remember you.’’ The girl shakes her head ‘helping you put the picture with the most proud feeling ever. 

Spencer was watching everything from his desk. A warm feeling radiating from his heart, a cozy and sweet feeling of things right. 

‘’You should ask her out, pretty boy. This whole pinning thing is driving me insane and I’ll proudly watch her for you.’’ Derek teased him. 

‘’Yeah, give me a second.’’ The man walked towards you wearing a smirk you knew really well.

‘’Pick me up tomorrow at seven, pretty boy.’’ He doesn’t say a word but his heart has a lot to say. 

Three.

You and Spencer were dating for almost a year, things happened naturally and lightly. Estelle was happier that her two favorite people were dating, every sleepover was a party and both of you couldn’t be more satisfied. 

It was the first time in months that the BAU got a case in Virginia, which was good but bad cause it was closer to home. You and Emily spare for a couple of seconds to get into the precinct when you heard the shot but your first instinct was to look at what was burning. There was a lot of blood coming from your stomach. You look around to notice Emily holding you, noticing the commotion around the building. 

‘’Honey, keep your eyes open. Look at me.’’ Emily was trying to not let you close your eyes. ‘’Tell me a secret, anything, but don’t close your eyes.’’ 

‘’You know Spencer invited me to live with him and I sent him straight to hell.’’ You sight heavily. ‘’I want to say yes, I need to.’’ 

‘’You will, trust me. I’ll make sure you do.’’ You could hear his voice in the back, screaming something unintelligible for your conscience. ‘’Keep you eyes open, for God's sake!’’ 

Everything went blank for a while. You only remember waking up in a hospital bed. Penelope was sleeping next to Spencer on the couch. Your head was dizzy and your body hurt a lot. You took a deep breath before Spencer jumped next to you. 

‘’Hey you.’’ You spoke softly, holding his hand. 

‘’How are you feeling?’’ He strokes your cheek gently. 

‘’Sleepy and dizzy. How long?’’ He analyzed your microexpressions before answering. ‘’Stop profiling me, Spencer.’’ 

‘’Three days. You were shot in the stomach, lost a lot of blood and went to surgery. You’re awake now and definitely moving with me.’’ He jokes and you smile. 

‘’You’re awake! Finally! I love you so much. I’ll let them know.’’ Penelope seemed so happy when she left, leaving you two alone. 

‘’Spencer, if you want to propose right now I will dump you right now. I swear!’’ 

‘’I won’t! I wasn’t even thinking about it until you mentioned.’’ He said leaning over to give you a soft kiss. ‘’You don’t need a ring to be part of my dysfunctional family. By the way, Estelle is really excited for you to move with us, she was helping me with your office.’’ 

‘’I get an office?’’ You raised your brows and laughed. 

‘’If you want to work in her room full of glitter and toys that’s your call.’’

‘’I wouldn’t mind at all.’’

His damn heart missed a beat when you held his hand and closed your eyes again before going back to sleep. 

Four.

Spencer was nervous, he was terrified actually. It took him six months to propose to you in the way he wanted and it didn’t work. His plan was to take you to the vineyard you wanted to go to for months but the day he made reservations it rained so much there was no way you could go. You stayed home instead. Watching some movies with Estelle, eating popcorn and laughing at stupid things. Steve was a genius but everytime he was close to you he turned into the dumbest person alive. 

Estelle knew he was about to propose because she helped him find the ring and she gave so many ideas. Indeed she suggested he should do it when she wasn’t expecting, and he did. He put the ring out of his cardigan pocket and watched your reaction. You barely missed it focusing on Harry Potter but when you look twice there was it. The fucking ring. 

‘’Spencer what the fuck!’’ You covered your mouth with watery eyes. 

‘’Marry me.’’ His heart was so fast he swore he was close to having a heart attack. ‘’You are part of my life, part of this family and I don’t think I can live without you in my days. I love you. I open my heart for you in the same way you opened your for us. You accept me. love me. I can’t promise you white picket fences but I can promise you this, moments like this. I give you my sunshine, my best but the rain it’s always gonna come if you stand with me. People think love’s for show but I will die for you in secret. Marry me, so you can be forever mine and I can be forever yours.’’

‘’Yes. I do. Oh my God!’’ The tears streaming down your face made him giggles watching you trying to stay calm. ‘’I love you. A lot.’’ 

‘’Did she say yes?’’ You two heard Ellie’s voice and received her in the hug. ‘’Welcome to the family.’’

Five.

Spencer got home without making a lot of noise for the time. The clock marks two in the morning. The last thing he expected to see was his wife and his daughter on the couch talking. The TV was on in the soft volume but he could perfectly recite the conversation by ear.

‘’I can’t wait for you to get out of there. We have a few years of difference? Sure, but I know all the goods to use on dad.’’ Estelle was talking with the same voice she used to talk to her dad when she was little. ‘’Mom is harder, but dad is so much easier to convince.’’

‘’You’re gonna be in so much trouble if he hear us, Ellie.’’ You spoke, stroking the teens' hair. 

It took you and Spencer almost five years to have a baby. You felt like this family missed something else and the baby was your answer. Everyone was excited about it. You were seven months pregnant at this time. Sleeping is harder when you are bigger than ever, most nights were like this. You usually lay in her bed and keep talking until fall asleep or have to pee again. 

‘’Why I wasn’t invited to this party?’’ Spencer showed up holding his coat and bag. 

‘’Only pregnant woman and teenage girl are invited to insomnia party, sorry babe.’’ You teased him.

He dropped his stuff and sat between you and Este’s. He leans over to give you a kiss and a hug on the teenager. He placed a hand on your swollen belly before cleaning his throat. 

‘’This is your dad, hear me out, no one is going to use the goods on me. In this family the only one that can escape from things is the cat.’’ You three let out a loud laugh. ‘’Maybe mom because we love her. By the way, don’t let your sister got into your head she’s crazy sometimes.’’ 

‘’Spencer Reid, don’t play with the daughter you raised.’’ 

‘’By the way, you should let our mom stay more than thirty minutes without having to pee. I used to love sleeping with her but she wake up too much.’’ Estelle places her hand closer to her dad. 

Spencer spent hours just listening to you two interact, like mother and daughter. Laughing, sharing secrets and jokes, cooking and singing songs. Some of the moments just make sense in the bubble you create and make him happy. 

‘’Fine handsome, time to help me go to bed. You put this baby on me now you help. I want to be able to sleep more than you tonight.’’ You grab his arm, trying to stand up. ‘’I love this but I can’t wait to this baby pop out of me.’’

‘’I like your pregnant personality. You’re sassy and no one can say anything to you because you have a gun. Besides, you’re prettier.’’ You kiss your daughter's forehead before walking upstairs. 

‘’I’m always pretty and no, I have three guns.’’ The gasp she let out made you giggle. 

Spencer’s hand was in your lower back slowly walking with you making sure you’re safe. 

‘’I love you and our little family that I steal from you.’’ 

‘’Wanna know a secret?’’ You nod. ‘’It was already your family since day one.’’ 

[zandlikething]

WARNING BIG SPOILERS FOR QSMP BAD POV AND A LITTLE BIT OF PHIL POV ALSO JUST A LOT OF RAMBLING READ AT YOUR OWN RISK BECAUSE WOOO BOY THERE A LOT AND IM NOT EVEN DONE YET

I have so many thoughts on Bad's last stream the fact like OMG my heart QSMP needs to pay for all of our therapy

I'll probably do another post because holy crap there is a lot that happened today

I thought it was sweet Dapper and Pomme went to qPhil first because Dapper said they know he has concretions to some kind of goddess of death obviously referring to Kristin but I still am not sure if she is actually canons but it was a cute reference and it's nice to know that Phil has lots of tickets if they need cookies this week.

But also like Damn Phil cannot get a break first Tubbo now Bad I swear soon all the eggs will be ophans /j

Also apparently Taulluah is seeing the ghost of the eggs that died and one more. Idk if it's also an egg or something/someone else but if it's an egg I think it's either: 1. A-1 the egg that evil quackity was testing and died or Hope.

For those who don't remember Hope was an egg in a different orphanage than the original eggs that Cellbit found a while ago. The egg left a diary of their time in the orphanage. No one came for the egg and died but told that whoever is reading their book should not be sad for them. That's all I remember I'd have to go back and look to see what else I can find.

ANYWAYS Yeah so Taulluah sees ghosts now that are sad for some reason and she doesn't know why and Bad is missing and also presumably dead or a ghost? Because as we were following Dapper and Pomme on Bad's stream the thing would have reactions a lot of like what Bad would have. Like nodding and shaking his head or rolling his head for rolling his eyes. It all just felt very Bad like.

Also he was very against using any spells of stuff to block spirits so I think it might be Bad somehow looking out for them but not able to talk or interact with them for some reason.

I know these are a lot of signs at once but I find it very sweet that Dapper despite everything is trying to keep a positive view of everything and trying to cheer Pomme up.

I love how this is the plan they come up with to get Bad back lol 😆 I'm sure they'll come up with a real plan but who knows this could maybe work

Dapper and Pomme did this a lot and I love it. Them just leaning their heads together silently telling the other it's ok we are together aggghhh it is so sweet. And the fact that they did it multiple times I imagine just reassuring the other and themselves that they are there.

This was so pretty and nice just Dapper and Pomme watching the sunset (07 Bobby) together going over memories

Talking about their dead siblings and Max saying they should build a new place for them to remember them and wish them a Happy birthday every month

I didn't get screenshots of it but Dapper telling Pomme that all of their past siblings would have loved her with how sweet Tiln was and how good it was to be around Flippa, how Trump would have loved picking flowers with her and how Bobby would have loved doing pvp with Pomme :,) like bro I am literally tearing up

I am going to make a part two because tumbler is at its limit of how many screenshots I can show because guess what there is more heartwarming and heartbreaking stuff I need to talk and show

[tw33k-tucker]

Doodle requests are open‼️

The series characters I can draw the best(In order) are:

South Park, Eddsworld, Creepypasta, n' SMG4

Just a some things about me(changes/updates so much)

Fictionkin of:

Tweek Tweak

Craig Tucker

Kyle Broflovski

Kenny McCormick

Stan Marsh (South Park)

Mickey (Bobs Burgers)

Carl Grimes

Daryl Dixon (TWD) (I'm 99% sure I am a Fictionkin of him👍)

Gregory House (House M.D.)

Lucifer

Vox

Husk

Angel Dust (Hazbin hotel)

Sniper

Medic {Pls, istg I'm not insane anymore, I swear😭} (TF2)

Tord (Eddsworld)

Shadow ( Sonic, but not sure which specific Sonic yet)

Questioning 2

+ I have also found out I am a fictionflicker, so if there's some kins I have that aren't on the list above that's why👍 I do have a few recurring fictionflickers though, Such as:

Hunter (TOH)

Michael Afton (FNAF)

Crying Child/BV/Evan Afton (FNAF 4)

Tom (Eddsworld)

Adam (Hazbin Hotel)

SMG3 + Mr Puzzles (SMG4)

Ticci Toby

BEN Drowned + Jeff The Killer (Creepypasta)

Scout/Jeremy(TF2)

Louise (Bobs Burgers)

Therian but not completely comfortable to reveal some of my Theriotypes, but the ones I'm fine with revealing are a Border Collie, Island Fox, Clouded leopard, Red Panda, Some kind of Shark, Bi Color german shepherd, and an Opossum.

Current Shifts/Kinfeels:

Tweek Tweak

Craig Tucker

Scout/Jeremy

Ticci Toby

He/Him (Trans FTM/Masc)

Minor !! (I'm changing it to minor cause I only want the people close to me/my mutuals to know my age, sorry if its weird or smthn!!!)

Christan (but excepts any religion)

Favorite Animal is Guinea pigs

2nd favorite drink is coffee (My #1 favorite drink is water cause I need it to survive)

Top 5 Favorite songs:

1st: Runs in the family - Amanda Palmer

2nd: Life - Mother Mother

3rd: Animals - STOMACH BOOK

4th: Bad Habit - Steve Lacy

5th: Cupid's Chokehold / Breakfast In America - Gym Class Heros

(it was top 10 before, but I'm to lazy for that crap)

A few last random shit facts 'bout me + some random things

I am very scared of alarms(Like, fire alarms)

I have Trypophobia aka fear of holes(it's very bad)

I have a love hate relationship with insects

I'm AroAce but I still want a romantic relationship and Bi

Wolverine is my all-time favorite hero(I don't care that he's technically an anti-hero/also an X-Men, he's the best)

Black and Red are my favorite colors

HTTYD is my favorite movie series

I love Scooby Doo(Especially Mystery Incorporated)

I am a mix of Introverted and Extroverted

I swear I wanna cry when stuff I've been waiting for is altered(Don't ask, I have no idea why)

I have anxiety

I freak out VERY easily

Salamanders are so cool istg

I have sensitive ears so I hate loud noises(I think I'm just a wimp)

I was in a car crash when I was 8(Luckily me and my dad were fine)

I like Diary of a wimpy kid

I have an older brother that I fight with(Imagine Rodrick and Greg's rivalry)

Some noises also make me want to bawl my eyes out(Also don't ask why, I seriously don't know)

I will 'kill' you if you look in my sketchbook(I swear you do not wanna see it, like really, you do NOT)

I have social anxiety👍

I'm seriously fucked up in the brain

I have asthma

I have OCD and BPD

And also i've decided to make tags because it is so annoying trying to find certain posts. So: the art tag is #Tw33k Draws the ask tag is #Tw33ks asks and I also use #Tw33k Rambles when I'm just talking and then as well theres just the #Shitpost tag on the posts I post that have words or images that isn't art, I also #Tw33k Rants, I think that name is pretty self explanatory, I also don't add tags to like any of the stuff I reblog unless I'm talking in the tags

I'm horrible at spelling

And yeah, that's all I'm willing to tell

Also please don't hate me, I can't control who I am

Thanks for reading

Random Icons :D

Okay! One last thing, sense I have started the Zombie Park series, you can ask them questions about litterly ANYTHING some stuff they might not be allowed to answer at the moment like some stuff that'll happen in the future, but if you have any questions about the AU feel free to ask

[4rtificialfolio]

It’s Complicated, My Darling - Chapter 1

Chpt. 1: “Cat got your tongue, doll?”

“Ada is an operative in the 1940s from Brighton in England, sent over to New York City to work with the Americans, uncovering secrets and spying on potential suspects. She meets a handsome young man, Nick Folio, on the train into the city; little does she know how that moment would change the trajectory of her life”

Parings: Nick folio X OFC (Ada Chapman)

Word count: 1.6K

Chapter Warnings: brief mention of war, slightly suggestive, explicit language, fluff

Series master list

(see masterlist for overall warnings, chapter begins below the cut)

Ada

May 20th 1941

New York City, USA

7:00 am

Dear Diary,

Yesterday is still a haze and I barely slept all night, tossing and turning thinking about him. I still can’t believe my luck or lack thereof. Things are always too good to be true and yesterday proved that. God damn you, Nick. It had to be you didn’t it? Who am I kidding, we met once and he’s cute but that’s it. I don’t know him, he was just an attractive man on the train who just so happens to be the man I’m being told to track. It can’t be so different from any other mission, can it? I can do this, I’m bloody brilliant at this job and this mission will be a piece of cake, I hope.

In other news, Dad sent another letter. He thinks they might have to evacuate soon, after the raid on the Portsmouth docs the whole town is on edge but hopefully, it won’t come to that. Denis is already missing and I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Dad and Peggy too. I can’t think about that, I shouldn’t.

Anyway, I’ll be back tomorrow. 

I’m sure I’ll have a more interesting update after I’ve started my undercover work today,

Ada

-

The Precinct, 9:30 am

My train was delayed today, my first day on the cover job and I’m already late. Great first impression Ada! 

“Miss Chapman, I presume?” a middle-aged man, with a not-so-flattering navy blue suit and a grey homburg hat that he definitely should’ve thrown away in the 30s, calls my name from across the ground floor.

“A little late but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt considering It’s your first day”. By the affirmative tone of his low, grumbling voice, I assume he’s the captain; Michael Brewer. I wonder if he knows he’s missing a button on his shirt?

“Yes sir, nice to meet you. Apologies for my Tardiness” 

“Please follow me, I’ll take you to your desk so you can settle in. We run a tight ship here Chapman and I expect the very best from my employees, no less. let's hope you can keep up” I internally snicker at the tight ship remark. If it truly was a tight ship, I wouldn’t be here. If not for the fact I’m here undercover, I wouldn’t bat an eyelid at that sentence; but something about it unsettles me. Alarm bells ring in my head. Michael will be on my watch list.

The tour is pretty mundane, I’ve only been hired as the secretary for my department so there’s no need for me to see the entirety of the precinct however, one room, in particular, catches my eye. The captain’s office, I’ll have to make a mental note of its whereabouts. Michael has been rambling on about the pride and joy of the precinct, and how he’s “built a family he can trust”; I refrain from laughing, being late on my first day is one thing but being fired for rudeness on the first day? I think I’ll pass. Before I know it, We’ve already reached my department floor. It’s nothing too extravagant but it’s certainly the biggest. The criminal investigation department has the most employees in the entire precinct, from the constable to the detective team, the sergeant, translators, the medical examiners and then there’s me, the accountant and secretary. I know Nick is a detective and, in fact, I’m pretty sure he’s the lead detective. Speaking of him, I wonder if he’s in today?

Before I can allow myself to get carried away with my wondering thoughts, Michael finally finishes his boastful rant and shows me to my desk.

“Right chapman, this is your desk. You’ll be doing the majority of your administrative work here but it’s important to store any important and private documents in the file room and I expect them to be logged at the end of each shift. Understood?” Having to lock them away might be a slight problem, I need solid evidence for this case but having access to the file room could be beneficial.

“Yes sir”

“I’ll leave you to settle in and meet your colleagues, we’re happy to have you, Chapman”

“Well look who it is!” an oh-so-familiar voice averts my attention, making me turn away from my desk.

“Nick? Uh I mean Mr Folio” Addressing another boss of mine by his first name, today is just tip-top.

“What’s with the formalities Doll? Please everyone calls me Nick around here, Mr Folio sounds way too formal for my liking”. My breath hitches and I chew on my bottom lip as he calls me ‘doll’. Doll, I like the sound of that. He looks extra sexy today. Sure he looked handsome in a black tank top, but now? He’s wearing a white spear point collard dress shirt paired with navy blue suit trousers with white stripes, a brown, white dotted tie and brown leather oxfords. I can’t help but stare, the top two buttons of his shirt are unbuttoned and his sleeves are rolled up to his elbow, showing off his tanned, veiny arms. Heat flushes across my body down to my core, he’s hot. Real hot and I’m flustered. 

“Cat got your tongue, doll?” He smirks. There’s that damned nickname again.

Everything about him entices me and I know these feelings are wrong, but I just can’t help myself. I’m supposed to be working against him, spying on him and digging for info but he’s just so sweet to look at.

“Sorry just a little tired, what did you say?”

“I said I was about to go on lunch and you owe me a lunch date, care to join?” A date? I’m sure it’s just a figure of speech.

“Sure! You’ll have to pick where we go, I’m afraid I’m not familiar with the city yet” Nick quickly grabs his suit jacket and grey fedora from his desk at the back of the room and gently puts his hand on the small of my back to lead me out of the precinct. A tingle surges up my spine at the light contact, causing a slight shiver.

Nick takes me to a cute little diner about a block away. There’s a yellow and red sign that reads “Fred’s cafe & diner” and a couple of cars parked out front including a new, mint green chevrolet fleetline. Dad told me about these new cars in one of his letters, he thinks they’re an eyesore but I quite like them. 

We settle into a small booth in the corner, right by the window that overlooks the narrow street next to the diner. I’m conflicted, I’m sat across from one of the most, if not the most, handsome men I’ve ever met. His eyes are so dreamy; he’s practically eye-fucking me from across the table, looking down ever so slightly at my lips, as I make small talk about the fleetline out front, and my stomach turns to goo. I begin to wonder what what his lips taste like, how he’d look pushing me up against the wall; but it’s a fleeting thought. Stay on track Ada. A waitress takes our orders and there’s a tense silence among us.

“So doll, how are you enjoying the city so far?” I wish he’d stop calling that.

“It’s not too bad, I really miss the beach and my family but I love the livelihood here. It's a nice change” Home, I miss home. All I want is to hug Peggy and Dad but until the war is over, this is home in the meantime.

“Damn I don’t know why you’d pass up the seaside to live here of all places, but I’m glad you did” Leaning forward on his arms, he smirks.

“Really?”

“Sure, I get to look at your pretty face every day. Sounds like a nice perk to me” He winks. My cheeks turn a subtle shade of pink whilst I find myself attempting to stop a cheesy grin from spreading across my face.

“How about you? How does life here compare to Maryland?”

“Hmm It’s good, I love the job but I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the war. I used to be a detective back in Maryland but I was relocated here to help with the war effort” Sometimes I forget about the war; moments like these make me feel normal and happy as if there’s not a single care in the world. But then I read the paper and I’m brought back to reality.

“Watch’ya thinking in that pretty little head of yours?” Concern starts to grow on his face.

“I was just thinking of home and the war, you know? I miss my family and life before it all started” My heart sinks thinking about it all.

“Oh doll, we don’t know each other too well yet and I know I can’t compare to your real home, but I promise I’ll do my best to make you a home away from home. Can’t stand to see a pretty face frown.” Is this the right guy? I mean, really? This is the so-called dangerous man who’s supposed to be stealing money from the precinct? I’ve never met such a gentle, caring soul; and not to point out the obvious but, fuck he’s handsome, I wouldn’t mind feeling his hands on my hips sometime. No, no I can’t think like that. I have a job to do, I mustn’t lose my focus. My thoughts are quickly averted as Nick says my name from across the table, signalling our lunch break is almost over. Come on Ada, snap out of it. 

“Thank you, Nick. I’m sure I’ll feel right at home with you”

With you? Shit.

 I am royally fucked.

-

AN: Sorry this took so long! I was in a really long writing slump but i'm hoping to get a chapter out every two weeks (no promises). I'm really looking forward to you guys seeing what happens between Nick and ADA. Ada has very quickly become my favourite character I've ever written. Please let me know your thoughts! Again, please let me know if you'd like to be added to my tag list for this series :)

reminder my inbox is always open if you’d rather send your thoughts about this series or any of the omens members anonymously (no fic requests).

Tag List: @iknownothingpeople , @dsireland86 , @vinyardmauro , @thatchickwiththecamera , @blackveilomens

[riverfortune]

Look. Look. Tumblr. I am not good at convincing people to do things, but I desperately need to peer pressure some of you into reading this book series.

It's called Stealing From Wizards by R.A. Consell and it's delightful, well-written, engaging, and criminally unknown. I've had such a fun time reading the series. I don't know why it isn't doing numbers of Tumblr.

If you were a Harry Potter Kid who grew up and became, shall we say, disenchanted with that series but you still have a soft spot for wizard boarding school stories, you should read Stealing From Wizards.

If you like children's books but you'd like to see actual competent and empathetic adults in the children's lives (without taking the narrative drive away from the young protagonist!), you should read Stealing From Wizards.

If you want a story with a plucky young protagonist who's learning how to be a person for the first time after leaving an abusive home life, you should read Stealing From Wizards.

If you only have $8 to your name you can probably still buy all three ebooks on Amazon so you should read Stealing From Wizards.

If you're completely broke you can listen to the audiobook. for free. on the AUTHOR'S WEBSITE. (Or Spotify, Audible, Apple Podcasts or whatever your podcast player or choice is.) Go download Stealing From Wizards.

If you are a child 8-14 years old, or you make reading choices for a child of 8-14 years old, or you're a grown-up who likes children's stories when they're well-written and engaging because gosh dang it you just want to see some joy in the world and you want a story that will engage you but leave you with hope at the end and why is that so hard to find in adult fiction these days anyway? you should read Stealing From Wizards.

Did you like The Owl House? You should read Stealing From Wizards.

Percy Jackson fan? Try Stealing From Wizards.

Murderbot Diaries fan? Ok, that one's a bit more of a stretch but the possible autism-coding and the how do I be a person when I was built different? thing is the same. Try Stealing From Wizards.

Avatar: The Last Airbender fan? You might like Stealing From Wizards.

Found family fan? Stealing From Wizards.

You want a book that multiple reviewers couldn't put down? Stealing From Wizards.

You want brown characters, gay characters, disabled characters? Stealing From Wizards.

You want a fantasy story set in Canada/Fey Canada? Stealing From Wizards.

There are three books out so far: Stealing From Wizards Volume 1: Pickpocketing, Stealing From Wizards Volume 2: Burglary, and Stealing From Wizards Volume 3: Kidnapping are out so far, and it seem like there will be more.

I hope there will be more.

I am writing this so more of you will buy the books to make sure the author writes more.

The cover art is trash. The marketing seems to be nonexistent. I'm not even sure you can buy physical copies in stores or if they're printed to order. But this series just makes me really happy and I want someone else to read it.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk listening to me ramble.

(Go read Stealing From Wizards.)

[cherrifire]

Archived in the Southlands: Martyn's Mix

Case #0211905-C

Original recording from Martyn Littlewood's personal supplemental tape.

[Martyn] Ello, ello! I'm Martyn Littlewood, also known as the Archivist. I reckon I've had that title for about 3 years now? And this is my new personal supplemental tape.

Word count: 2244

Be sure to read Case #0211905-A and Case #0211905-B before this one.

[AU Masterpost]

[Click]

[Martyn] Ello, ello! I'm Martyn Littlewood, also known as the Archivist. I reckon I've had that title for about 3 years now? And this is my new personal supplemental tape.

But to start, this tape is NOT meant for research or theories. I get enough conspiracy theory rubbish at the Institute. Something destroyed the place I was living at with BigB and Grian. And if I have to think about that case one more time, I'll crawl into a grave and let the Buried claim me.

I genuinely just needed a personal tape of my own to ramble on to. Lots goes on in this massive brain of mine. I just need something to talk to and get those thoughts out. This could technically be used as a memory log? Something for me to just look back on later down the line. I actually used to keep a log like that before the Archives and I kind of miss it.

I'm going to leave this tape in my flat so I don't get it confused with the hundreds of other tape recorders floating around the Archives. Maybe I'll be able to catch some fun stuff of my new flatmate too.

Speaking of Ren, I'm going to try and convince him to grow more than just roses. He seems to know a lot about caring for flowers, so I wonder if I could throw him off his game with something completely different. Oh, maybe something we can eat would be cool! I'll mention it next time I see him.

Though, I'm not sure when that'll be. I've noticed he tends to go out a lot, but that doesn't surprise me. He probably gets invited to all sorts of parties and events. Probably for the best.

(a pause)

Oh, good grief! For the record, I am NOT turning this into a gross emotional audio diary either!

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] Someone knocked on the door today looking for Ren. I'd never seen him before but he said his name was Doc. The name reminded me of someone I used to know, but again, I'd never seen him before.

It's not unusual, people come by looking for Ren all the time. It's actually really sweet how many folks just stop by to check on him.

So sweet, it makes me sick. He's usually never here, but I always like to take messages and relay them back to him when I see him. It's hard to forget things nowadays, so it's not an issue. Though, I guess it doesn't really matter, since I like to change the message anyway, just because I can.

When Ren gets home, I'm going to tell him that Doc wants to make a diss track with him about Grian.

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] I wouldn't do it.

(Jimmy's voice is coming through a phone speaker)

[Jimmy] Martyn, I promise you, I'm quitting if you do it.

[Martyn] (laughing) Right, but I wouldn't do it.

(Movement is heard as Martyn starts to look for something.)

[Jimmy] (frustrated) No- but you're saying it like you are going to do it!

[Martyn] But I wouldn't though!

(something falls, making a 'thud' sound as it hits the floor)

[Jimmy] I can hear you rummaging through your things!

[Martyn] (wheezing) But I-

[Jimmy] If I walk into the archives tomorrow and you scare me with a stupid party popper again I promise you I will leave.

[Martyn] (wheezing) I just wouldn't though.

(another object falls)

[Jimmy] Martyn.

[Martyn] I wouldn't.

(something else falls. Martyn is probably doing it on purpose)

[Jimmy] STOP!

(Martyn laughs)

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] I think my favourite thing about Tim is that I could tell him anything and he'll think I'm messing with him. I told him today that I was looking into a case about a cult dedicated to darkness. His immediate response was:

(mocking) "That's not funny, Martyn, stop it!"

(Martyn laughs)

(a pause)

I’ve known him since we were kids, but Jimmy doesn’t know me enough to tell when I’m joking, I guess.

(static)

Ah, wait-

(a pause then a light knock on the door)

Come in!

(door opens)

[Ren] Hey dude, is there a reason your rent paperwork has a completely random name on it?

[Martyn] Oh, Martyn Littlewood isn't my legal name. It just sounds cooler.

[Ren] That checks out. I looked at the name on this thing and was like "who is this loser?" 

[Martyn] (laughing) I'm a different person now. My loser days are behind me.

[Ren] Well, thanks for letting me know, Phillip Watson.

[Martyn] Don't you dare!

(Ren laughs as he closes the door.)

[Martyn] If he starts calling me Phil, I swear to God-

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] That play Ren's been rehearsing, The Rise of the Red King–it's starting to grow on me. I remember helping him practice a little the day I moved in, but I'm forcing him to let me help more since I caught him rehearsing it on his own again.

He was in his room just repeating the lines quietly on his own. I imagine he was only holding back so as to not disturb me, but the unfortunate curse for the beautiful Archivist is I hear everything.

Which means I heard the awkward silence between each line he read out. So I took it upon myself to start responding, to fill that gap.

He said something like, "and as you know, every king must have a hand."

And I, charming as ever, poked my head in and said, "two is preferable, so you can hold things."

Then he continued, "I can think of no greater person than you." 

And the accent he chose for this character was like a mix between Scottish and Irish with like a bit of pirate. It was so bizarre. I'm doing the best I can to imitate it but I just can't do it like Ren. And I-

(door opens)

[Ren] Good afternoon, Martyn.

[Martyn] Good day, my liege.

[Ren] Martyn, will you do the honour of being the Hand of the King on this fine day?

[Martyn] Oh my word. Do I get a little pin badge?

[Ren] Definitely, dude.

When a kingdom is formed, loyalty must be proven. Later there will be a test for you. And if ye pass, it'll be ye and me to the end!

(Ren clears his throat and returns to speaking normally)

It's shopping, your test is grocery shopping. I'm heading out, did you want to come?

[Martyn] Only if you do that voice in public.

[Ren] You're insane, dude.

The King likes it. And you shall follow in his footsteps! Today, both our mettles will be tested.

[Martyn] Oh geez. I don't think my metal is very dense, so I'm gonna struggle.

[Ren] Alright, chat over. Let's get out of here, dude. But um- are you recording this?

[Martyn] Ah-! 3 years and I still always forget to turn these-

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] Good evening, my liege.

[Ren] Hand of the King. To what do I owe the pleasure?

[Martyn] The carrots, m'lord! It will be a bountiful harvest!

[Ren] Oh, dude! No way! Show me right this instant.

[Martyn] I took your teachings and successfully grew a small handful of carrots. Come see!

(a pair of footsteps then a sliding door being pushed out of the way)

(Sound of dirt shifting as a carrot is pulled from the soil)

Ta-da!

[Ren] (excited, high-pitched) Oh! Dude! Look at that!

[Martyn] That's right boss, fresh produce right here in our garden. They're a little small, but size isn't everything.

[Ren] Let's get these out of the ground and wash them. We could make a carrot cake with these!

[Martyn] This is why you're the boss. I would have never thought of that.

[Ren] (laughing) But what's a King without his loyal Hand?

[Click]

-

[Click]

(the recording starts while Martyn and Ren are in the middle of laughing)

(there's the sound of cake batter being aggressively stirred underlining the recording)

[Ren] Martyn, you're wasting batter!

[Martyn] You said to mix well!

[Ren] Dude! Not that well! You're getting cake giblets all over the kitchen! Stop it!

(Martyn and Ren laugh)

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Ren] (mocking) Statement of Ren Diggity Dog

I have no idea what you actually do at the archives, but I bet that's what you sound like.

[Martyn] Dude! What are you-

[Ren] Yes, I'd like to talk about my strange roommate-

[Martyn] Ren, don't even joke like that! Now give it here-

[Ren] You always use this to record me anyway. Why? Is it your personal audio diary?

[Martyn] No! That's not what that is!

[Ren] Then what is it?

[Martyn] How about you just hand it back and-

[Ren] (laughing) You're deflecting, dude! Oh, this is definitely a diary.

[Martyn] (laughing) Ren, give that-

[Click]

-

[Click]

(all sound is muffled as if through a wall)

[Scar] Knock knock!

[Ren] Scar-

[Scar] Ren! It's been a while!

Oh man, I missed this place. It's been, what? Four months since I last saw you?

(a pause, then Scar laughs)

As talkative as always.

How's your new roommate? I haven't seen the Archivist in ages! Is he good?

(a door opens and Scar's voice is no longer muffled) 

Oh wow. There's a lot of interesting stuff in here.

(Scar hums something as he thinks)

(he starts to rummage through Martyn's things)

Ah! There it is.

Ren, you won't miss these, right?

[Ren] No- No, you can have them.

[Scar] Wonderful. Pleasure doing business with you, Ren.

[Click]

-

[Click]

(extended silence)

[Martyn] I thought I could trust him...

(a pause)

(Martyn makes a frustrated sound and tosses the tape onto his bed)

(fading as he walks out) Ren, did you touch the thermostat again!?

[Click]

-

[Click]

(door opening)

(silence)

[Ren] Sorry, Martyn.

(Ren sniffs the air then he enters the room)

(extended sound of papers being rummaged through)

[Ren] There you are- erm, whatever you are.

Statement of Pearl Moon. Okay. I can work with that.

(a pause then footsteps approach)

[Ren] When did this turn on?

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] (whispering and panicked) Ren has been standing on the other side of my door for an hour now. Waiting...

I don't know what he wants. I know he's been taking Hunt statements, but I have no idea why. I can't even tell how far gone he is or why he's hunting m-

(a knock on the door)

(Martyn holds his breath)

(extended silence)

(distant footsteps as Ren walks away)

Yeah, fuck that. I'm not sleeping tonight.

[Click]

-

[Click]

(distant sounds of screaming, everything muffled as if through a wall)

(there's a collection of a dozen heavy footsteps all quickly getting further away along with the screaming)

(Ren and Martyn are also muffled through the wall)

(Ren is laughing, hysterical and manic)

[Martyn] Ren, get a hold of yourself!

(Ren continues to laugh)

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Martyn] Hang on, I'm just going to grab a few random statements then we can go!

[Ren] (distant) Take your time!

(sound of a small handful of papers being picked up)

[Martyn] It's going to be fine...

(Martyn takes in a deep breath)

(he releases his breath, quivering like he's cold)

(a pause)

Fuck...

[Click]

-

[Click]

[Ren] (whispering) Martyn passed out the moment his head hit the couch. The statements he read helped heal his wounds a little. They're still... bad, but at least he's sleeping through it.

Me, though? I think I'm going to be awake for a while.

So I'm trying what Martyn does. Talk complete nonsense into a tape just to turn thoughts into words. I had to grab his audio diary from his room since the one we had ran out of tape. I'm sure he won't mind this one time. Plus, I know he listens back through this one all the time and I...

I kind of want him to hear this.

I guess first, Martyn looks terrible. I'm staring at his filthy face right now from across the room. He's covered in dirt and his sweater is completely ruined. Although, I guess that's my fault. But he's been wearing that same sweater for months now. Good riddance, I say.

I'll find him a proper style when he's ready to go out again.

(Ren chuckles to himself then pauses)

Only if he wants to, of course.

(another pause)

I think... I think he's stuck with me now. After my... change, he said the hunt was over but... I know he only put it on hold. I can feel my blood waiting, itching for him to run so I can chase him down again. He said he wasn't going anywhere but...

[Martyn] (groggy and distant) Ren?

[Ren] Oh- Martyn. I'm sorry, did I wake you, my friend?

(movement as Ren gets up and walks towards Martyn)

[Martyn] No. I've been up this whole time. Listening.

[Ren] I didn't mean to keep you up, dude. My bad.

[Martyn] Can I have the tape?

(the recorder is passed to Martyn)

Ren, did you know the cold is typically an attribute of the Lonely?

[Ren] So what's your theory on the snow back at Dogwarts, then..?

[Martyn] My current theory is that you're too much of a social guy to be attracting the Lonely.

(a pause)

[Ren] Oh, Martyn...

[Martyn] I meant it, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I'm with you.

[Ren] It's you and me to the end.

[Martyn] Yeah. To the End.

[Click]

[ana-mp3]

INTRO <3 | TW: ED mentions

DISCLAIMERS:

This blog is meant to serve as an online diary and a place where I can talk about my struggles (ED, depression, ADHD, etc.). If you do not like what I post please BLOCK, DON'T REPORT.

I am NOT promoting EDs or any mental health issues I talk about.

I am very pro-recovery

ABOUT ME:

Hello! My name is Lilian, but I go by Lili. I'm queer (I really don't know TT. I'm either bi or a lesbian). I am a minor (6teen). I used to be @Lazyana (but got termed :/). I'm not sure what else to talk about.. so here are some of my interests :D. I LOVE music! I love listening to music, playing instruments, and singing! (Although I am terrible). I can play the flute, and I'm learning the piano and guitar :D (All incredibly half-assed I should mention). Along with music, I quite enjoy Philosophy/Ethics, Psychology, Geography, Vexillology, and Etymology! (Typing this out I just now realize how boring I am).

ABOUT MY ED:

(Be advised, this is very ramble-y and typed at 03:30)

I have atypical @nørexia (Which diagnostically isn't that different from regular @nør3xia). It's all the same criteria, just not being underweight. I've never received any type of treatment/medical attention for my ED. I've had an on-and-off ED for a few years now, but it got serious this year. I've always been insecure about my body, ever since elementary school. I have always been taller and a bit bigger than all my friends (It didn't help that they were/are all just naturally very skinny and short) and so I've found my ED journey(?) extremely lonely and isolating. An ED in itself is already a deeply lonesome experience, but with the addition of all your friends (ever) being the standard you so desperately wish you were just throws in new emotions. Sadness, anger, jealousy, guilt, shame, and knowing that they would never (truly) understand what you're going through. (I'm not saying that skinny people can't have ED's. I'm saying that they wouldn't understand what it's like to be bigger with an ED). I haven't told anyone about my ED for a few reasons. 1) I don't want to be a burden that they have to watch over. I don't want them to be worried about me constantly (I also don't want to feel pressured to eat). 2) I am not at the results I want yet. I've always had a thought in the back of my mind, "You can eat/get better/get help/etc., once you're skinny" and surprise surprise, I'm not there yet. 3) I just know they wouldn't/couldn't understand. They all are skinny/short/really pretty, blessed with fast metabolisms. How could they understand that I have to ⭐ve myself to get skinner. How could they understand that I hate how I look so badly, that I need to punish myself for it. How could they possibly understand my obsessively toxic mindset, where I'm acutely aware of everything I've ate and the calories I've consumed (I can't forget what I've ate until I log it). 4) They'd never look at me the same. Sure, they wouldn't judge me for it, but I'd always have that target stuck on my back forever. I'd always be 'the girl with the ED'. 5) This is one of my most vulnerable secrets I'm keeping. I can barely communicate with my friends about significantly less intense mental health issues, let alone a god damn ED.

STATS:

SW: 178lbs/80kg

CW: 160.6lbs/73kg

GW1: 154lbs/70kg

GW1: 147lbs/67kg

GW2: 140lbs/63kg

GW3: 132lbs/60kg

GW3: 127lbs/58kg

UGW: 110lbs/50kg

height: 5'8/173cm

That has been that <3. (Again please don't report, It really doesn't help in any way :( please just block me)

[blue-moon-wolf]

Ramblings about clinical lycanthropy/people’s negative views on it

Basically I just wanted to ramble about how my family and generally people around me aren’t accepting at all of the fact that I have lycanthropy.

It just happens to me and is a part of me, I consider it a big part of my identity and who I am because that’s just what I am. I’m not a human like my family or random people around me are. I’m just a wolf in a human’s form who acts like a human and lives like one because that’s what I have to do in order to survive in a human society, as much as I wish I could just, run away in the woods and truly be myself as I am, my wolf form.

My family though, even from a young age when I figured out I was a werewolf, they just thought I was playing imaginary things or trying to get attention etc. and would force me to “forget and get rid of” it all. Even as I became a older teenager they thought “oh you’re just acting like a animal for some reason maybe you’re playing pretend even though at your age you shouldn’t be playing pretend, etc”. And then they found some of the things I wrote in my diary about me being a lycanthrope because they would without my permission search through my things especially while I was out of the house (they continued to do this until I became an adult). They then would tell me “you’re not a wolf/werewolves aren’t real/you can’t become a animal/you’re not a child anymore so why are you trying to act like a animal and all this stuff” further making me try and hide it all from them. And when my doctor found out about the things I was doing they told me “clinical lycanthropy is very rare and if you actually had it (insert stereotypes here about it)”

which those things caused me to further hide the fact I was having psychotic episodes, had psychosis and it just became a thing where I would hide that I was having an episode to everyone possible even my doctors and that kept me from getting help for years and because of all that I ended up being in a lot of pain and fear and depression constantly. I still hide my psychosis symptoms from everyone because yeah. I don’t need anyone knowing and my family and my doctor don’t take me seriously.

I’ve hid myself for way too long and now that I’m an adult and have been for a few years I plan to change that and fully be myself because I get tired of living as a human.

But it was super upsetting to hear how stigmatizing even my doctor was about it, when all these years I’ve been struggling with it silently and hiding it from everyone always. Even now that I learned it was lycanthropy I still hide it and am in denial of it all because of how many years I’ve been told over and over that whatever is going on with me isn’t real and I am supposed to be “normal”/being forced into acting and dressing and living like a human from humans who don’t understand me.

I wish clinical lycanthropy wasn’t seen as something so “extremely rare” and something that you’re “supposed to get rid of”. For the most part it’s never affected me negatively. Yeah it causes me stress during certain times but I just suppress it a lot by default anyways because that’s what I was taught to do from my family and doctors actions against it. I’m sad that I can’t be myself and fully feel like I am me.

[miracles-and-butterflies]

Sixth part of Intertwining Threads of Gold, based on a prompt by @time-for-a-grandkid-round-up.

The one where Mirabel becomes matriarch.

Dolores’ confrontation plan and how the family react to the news.

Not really the “official” sixth part. More of a five and a half.

Previous part of ITOG.

Comments are always appreciated.

~~~~~~

Intertwining Threads of Gold VI

“I…” Mirabel took a breath, trying again. “I don’t want to be matriarch. I never did. I never will. But I don’t feel like I’m getting a choice in the matter. And the tapestry also symbolises my death and suffering, as likely a hummingbird would bleed out and not survive long enough to know the loss of freedom, though why am I adding that?” She rambled, as quickly as possible.

Dolores blinked.

That was a lot of information really fast.

“You might be worse than I am.”

“What do you— never mind, I don’t need to know. Where is Luisa?”

“Not yet. I’m not done with you.”

“But I did as you asked.” Mirabel argued.

“Why?” Dolores asked, ignoring her cousin. “You didn’t explain why you felt like you weren’t getting a choice. Or why you’ve not said any of this. I already know you don’t want to be matriarch, that information is useless to me.”

“I did as you asked! Please? I’m worried about Luisa.”

“Yes, and the longer you refuse to cooperate the more likely she will get hurt. Probably fall in a ditch and die.”

Mirabel looked horrified. Dolores leaned back a little from the anxious beating of Mirabel’s heart. “Why would you say that!?”

That’s when a figure poked their head through the doorway: Pepa.

“What are you two arguing about?” She asked.

“Don’t tell her, please.” Mirabel whispered.

When neither answered - Mirabel turned away and looked like she could keel over and die at any minute; Dolores just stared passively, hoping to catch her mother’s intrigue - Pepa just sighed, entering the room, taking a seat.

Her mother paled when she caught sight of the tapestry.

“This is… Where did this come from?” The woman inquired.

“Mirabel’s room,” Dolores answered.

“Sobrina, why would you make this? It… it is very disturbing.”

Thunder rumbled.

“What if Antonio happened to find it? What would he say? Ay, mi niño… he’d be terrified. And his poor animals.”

Mirabel was shaking in Dolores’ grasp, eyes locked on some spot on the wall in a poor attempt to avoid crying.

“Have you noticed the colours, Mama?” Dolores prompted. “Aren’t they familiar to you?”

There was a brief pause and then a gasp. “It’s us! That makes it so much worse… Mirabel? I’m not a mind reader, you need to talk.”

The girl in question made no move to answer.

“This is essentially Mirabel’s form of a diary, Mama.” Dolores explained. “There is probably more hiding in her room somewhere. But this one is about how she doesn’t want to be the matriarch and how she thinks she’s being forced into it.”

Her mother cursed, almost offended. “But we aren’t forcing you into anything! We would never do something this… this horrible! We aren’t monsters!”

Pepa continued ranting. Mirabel was hyperventilating at this point.

Dolores relented, letting go of Mirabel’s arm. “Luisa isn’t working. She’s just taking a walk. You can calm down, it’s fine.”

Mirabel paused. Momentarily.

She didn’t wait around too long before she then left Casita altogether.

~~~~~~

Isabela had only left her room to use the bathroom when she heard the commotion downstairs.

How could she not?

Everyone downstairs was screaming at each other.

She doesn’t think she’s ever heard the grown-ups all be so loud before.

She briefly caught sight of Félix guiding Camilo, Antonio and a collection of animals into Antonio’s room, clearly trying to keep them unaware of what was going on.

And Dolores walking along to Mirabel’s room, with a cloth hidden behind her back. Looking a little guilty.

God, she hates being grounded.

She misses out on all the fun stuff.

~~~~~~

Luisa holds back a frustrated groan. Of course, that’s all they had gotten from the tapestry or whatever Dolores told them.

(Speaking of, her cousin best pray Luisa doesn’t find her. Because telling everyone else was definitely not part of the agreement).

They think Mirabel is just having doubts.

Each coming up one at a time to explain why they think Mirabel is good at this job and list her many qualities that make her a fitting matriarch. And even Mirabel, thoroughly overwhelmed, has a look of ‘that is not remotely true’ on her face.

“She doesn’t want to be the matriarch,” Luisa finally explodes, gently tugging Mirabel behind her. Still holding her hand. “Why the fuck any of you thought she would because of the past alone is beyond me.”

“Luisa, language,” Julieta chides.

Agustín glances down at Mirabel. “Is this true?”

Luisa protectively shifts Mirabel further around behind her. “What the fuck do you mean ‘is this true’? You didn't consider her PTSD at all when you made this plan? She hasn’t really been lying about her feelings either, which you’d all know if you paid her any amount of attention. She even told you all she didn’t want this when you first told her - several times! I wasn’t even there! That was a big step for her and you ruined it! She was saying ‘no’ and talking openly to you all, why would you just ignore her!?”

She took a breath, trying to calm her temper.

“You are her family, parents and guardians, and you have all failed her.”

The adults looked away in an uncomfortable silence.

Félix took the chance to leave, mumbling some excuse about how he was going to check on Antonio and Camilo.

Pepa quickly followed suit. “It has been a while since Dolores left,” she whispered. “She was probably very concerned after the tapestry incident. I’ll go see how she is.” And didn’t wait to see if anyone would attempt to stop her.

“Nobody has anything to say?” Luisa demanded to the remaining adults in the room.

Nothing.

Or, well, Abuela said nothing.

Her parents clearly wanted to say something, but couldn’t think of what.

Tío Bruno just looked off into the corner, as though it would make him invisible.

“I think… I think we should have a talk,” Agustín said. He slightly gestured to himself, Julieta and Mirabel. Before Luisa could say anything, he added, “Alone.”

Luisa turned expectantly to Mirabel; it was her choice. The girl still looked distressed and maybe even terrified now, but she let go of Luisa’s hand and followed after her parents into a different room.

Bruno tried to sneak for the other exit, while she watched her sister go.

“Where do you think you’re going, Tío?” Luisa snapped.

“Ah, well, you know.. someone really should tell Isabela—”

“I’m not finished.”

[fairycosmos]

Oh boy, things are extremely rough atm. Can you recommend any healthy coping mechanisms? I literally don’t know a single one that works for me except for self destruction and being on my phone until I don’t feel anything anymore. And apparently that’s not what we’re supposed to do when we’re sad

ok so unfortunately all of my healthy coping mechanisms only half work for me and it's a total gamble whether or not they're going to on any given day. and none of them ever cure my mental illness which is annoying. like they're not fail-proof solutions and a lot of the time they're simply frustrating in fact it often feels laughable to even try them. a walk is not going to make any of this better. but consistency DOES strengthen your coping skills like a weak muscle. like even after 3 days of practicing them i'm like Ok well i feel like shit but i survived without hurting myself and that was the whole point. not a cure but a tool. ok i'm just going to list them because otherwise, i will ramble forever. btw it's ok to do like, even half of one of these per day. there's no need to overwhelm yourself at all :) coping is coping.

meditation - it sounds and feels like bullshit but i follow this youtube called great meditation and they upload 10 min guided meditation sessions and they have truly gotten me through a lot of low moments at this point. sometimes i feel much better after and sometimes i barely notice a difference but the point is i've sat and breathed for a bit

journaling - i thought i needed some sort of mental health diary for this but then i just opened a google doc and followed these mental health journal prompts ( just one every other day, nothing overwhelming, and no pressure to write a lot or to write anything in particular) and it helped me organise my thoughts and notice the patterns i was/am locking myself into. there's also trauma processing prompts online if that is what you're after.

free writing - again just opening a word doc but this time you just write without thinking literally letting go and putting down whatever words your fingers type - no judgement no curation no performance no expectations.

submerging my face in cold water, holding ice cubs - good for grounding.

crying my eyes out, purposefully listening to sad songs or watching sad movies in order to do so - cleansing, painful, tires you out and can make you feel renewed briefly.

breathwork - again there's some great youtube vids for this. i do this 20 min nervous system reset somewhat often, but there's shorter ones that are also very effective. box breathing also helps if you just need a simple go to - breathe in for 4, hold for 4, our for 4.

lie down on a hard surface or the floor with your back straight - another grounding thing. to occupy your mind during this you can name 5 things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one you can taste.

pat your arms, legs, stomach, head, chest gently and breathe deeply - again it can be grounding.

watch trail cam vids of cute animals, use the wikipedia page generator to read up on smth you've never really thought about before, download duolingo and start learning a language. not to become fluent just to get your mind out of the place it's in, even for 5 minutes.

literally just move around especially outside - HATEEE to say it but stretching on your bedroom floor, going for a walk, following an exercise video etc - it can really help you feel a bit less stale and myopic. if it's too much, opening a window is a good start. or simply standing outside your house for 2 minutes and going back in. the air will feel good.

make sure all your bases are covered - have you eaten, have you slept, have you showered, have you talked to someone in the last few days, are you hydrated? if not, make a small move towards doing one of those things. feeling like crap physically only compounds how crap you feel mentally and so the cycle perpetuates.

scream, punch/throw pillows, snap pencils, stab at paper with pens.

affirmations - i'm trying to build a list of ones that resonate with me specifically because a lot of them don't LOL. but there's a lot of good resources online for this. one of my favorite current ones is: doing a little is better than doing nothing. a job half done is better than a job not done at all.

do something creative - it's not about being an artistic genius it's about doing something tangible with your hands and getting out of your head and using the space in your brain to focus on something that doesn't feel doomed. drawing, singing, cooking, playing an instrument, writing, whatever you want. you don't have to have done it before. you can just do it.

talk to someone you trust/care about, let them in even a tiny bit. it's ok to verbalise these things. give them a fair chance to be there for you the way you'd want to be there for them. i know it's hard, all of this is, but it's not impossible. also, look for any communal resources you can find - support groups, local therapists who may offer sliding scale prices that are affordable. it all sucks but it's something.

will add more when/if any come to mind. i'm sorry you're feeling like this and i sincerely hope it all becomes a bit lighter for you soon. sending so much love. x

[notalakelurk]

I think I'm reaching that point in my life where I realize just how daunting being transgender, lesbian, and vaguely asexual is. Like, I've spent my life knowing that I'm not what I "am" and I'm finally gaining the courage and words to tell myself what that means, but I'm also growing smart enough to understand how hard it's going to be for me.

In the past, my parents have told me that they would "not allow any of their children to be trans." Every time I've expressed any sort of trans desire it's played like a sick joke. "Haha, look, our son is wearing women's clothes, isn't that funny and weird and disappointing to you?!" Heck, I remember when my parents said it wouldn't be okay to be gay (/lesbian), that's a core memory right there!

It doesn't help that my parents actively ignore me when I promote any talk of trans/LGBTQ+ issues (especially regarding a specific president-elect who totally "does not dislike LGBTQ+ people at all," and "in no way opposes people's rights.")

Do I think that my parents would actually hate me for transitioning? No, but it heavily pains and hurts me that they would only care about LGBTQ+ issues when it impacts them (via me). And, no small part of me doubts that they would approach my identity with any validity. It's hard not to worry that everyone's gonna think I'm just "going through a phase" when I've known I'm this way for as long as I can remember.

My birthday is coming up really soon, and my mother has been asking me what I want. This is the first birthday where I've actually been able to tell her some things that I want (in no small part because of my newfound understanding of myself and self-recognition). But it still breaks me when she pushes me to keep telling her what to buy and I know I can't tell her that I want skirts and dresses and makeup and women's clothes and cute things and to be a girl and, most of all, to be affirmed, to be told that it's okay to be me. The closest I've gotten to any of that is asking for a nail file =|:'(

Luckily, I've never been one to give up easily! There ain't nobody in the world that can get me to stop finding satisfaction in being and knowing myself, no matter how much I have to hide or fight. As a result of my upbringing, I often have a really hard time feeling any emotions anyway, there's just a plodding desire to get through life until we can be ourselves and have fun again, no matter what. Try to kill that >:]

If need be, I'll wait until I'm so old my transgenderism looks like a deterioration of my identity, lmao, WHAT A GREAT COVER UP! Be on the lookout, descendants!

p.s. It's amazingly wonderful how much better writing a blog post can make you feel. I guess I've always understood that journals/diaries are good for you, but that's never been an option for me because of snooping parents, so I'm just now getting to this at the ripe age of almost-17, lol. Anyway, I understand that this post is pretty rambly in the middle; I'll try and be a better writer next time =|;)=; So far my only experience with this at all has been the few tumblr posts that I've made here, so there's a lot of room for improvement, which is great!

[ashintheairlikesnow]

1/ 2I need to talk about the perfect tragedy that is Atabei. Atabei who met this little boy that wouldn't kill the piglets! Who embraced the black girl with her magic and superstitions! And then _wouldn't _realize until it was too late that boy had changed. It didn't matter if it was the privation he'd experienced, or if there was this seed of awfulness always in him, didn't even matter if some part of him was guilty about it. She loved him so much for who he was before and what they'd shared

2/3 that love—one of the strongest forces for good—blinded her into doing great evil and I'm verklempt. I have no idea if the "ghosts" Ford mentions will play a role, or even if we'll learn *why* Eliza eventually "fell" (though I hope like hell some of Sirene's descendants play a role because her eight-year-old put-down of Guilford was the best fucking line so far I adore that child to pieces) Sure, she'd done some questionable shit—though considering abusive husband of Eliza I approve--,

3/3 and it would've been so easy to make her as resentful as Guilford, but that the hamartia of her doom was wrongly bestowed kindness is visceral and raw and perfect. God, sorry that got so long my epitaph will be 'thought nothing worth penning were it not verbose'

-

First off, sorry I didn't answer this right away. I have been mentally rereading and kicking my feet and giggling.

Secondly!

NEVER feel bad about sending long asks about Bones in the Ocean. Or any asks! That story, its world, its concepts and the types of magic, the rules... it's all taken over my brain and I am almost always desperate to just ramble endlessly about the characters and histories, especially the aspects that aren't part of the main storyline but are instead the added context around the edges of it.

Gilly always had a seed of potential awful in him, but Atabei was actually a good influence on his willingness to empathize with nonhuman creatures, because SHE did. Atabei's empathy did not extend overmuch to actual human beings, though. Even less so when it came to her love Eliza's abusive husband, who stood between the two of them and happiness and kept Eliza in a life of constant fear for herself and her daughter.

Decades later, Eliza gets far enough away from Gilly and the siren to remember herself, and to remember the daughter she left behind - she assumes to die, alone and unloved - and she 'falls' over the side of the ship. It's polite language. Everyone knows, deep down, what really happened. Especially Atabei, who never fully forgot herself, and went more than a little mad as a result of the guilt and shame and fear that overwhelmed her when Eliza was gone.

Atabei's tragedy is in aiding and abetting the evil that would ruin her life, turn her love Eliza into someone else entirely, and leave her knowing what had been done but utterly unable to speak of it, to do anything at all to stem the tide of Gilly's ambition. She used her magic when commanded, to paint the marks again, to rebuild the bars of her own cage, really.

I have thoughts on that time period, those years of her watching Gilly's children with Eliza growing up. I think she probably visited the siren, on occasion. She and Areyto probably came, at some point, to a sort of bitter understanding with each other. Each of them trapped, each of them captive and caged and knowing it, each of them used as a tool in Gilly's plans.

If this story were a video game, there would be diaries or half-erased letters stained with tears throughout the house, Atabei telling the story of her own long, dreary life, the bright spots with Eliza, the darkness that was so much stronger.

Watching her childhood friend grow into a more violent man with age and power - especially with the corruption of his slowly growing power. Watching him murder his own eldest son to take his place.

Watching the cycle start anew with the next generation, knowing even her death would not end this, as she aged but Gilly didn't.

She gave a man she cared deeply for functional immortality and far too much power.

-

But - know this - Sirene is instrumental, too, to the eventual end of Gilly's grand ambitions.