#no one else can decide what is causing my burnout except for me and my therapists

[not-poignant]

hi pia i just wanted to respond to what you said in your tags about the burnout w chronic illness. and i dont mean to condescend or blame but i think your burnout came about because you are an absolute beast of a writer!!!!! the amount of words you were pushing out consistently had me wondering what kind of spell you must’ve been on. (in a good way, except it turned out to be harming you) you worked really really hard for a long time, i think harder than many healthy people even (my chronic illness could never). i know you also enjoyed writing (we enjoyed it too!), but that workload honestly never looked sustainable. the astounding part is not that you burned out, but that you managed to push for so long, despite your handicaps and hardships. want to be careful not to sound like im praising/blaming you. but you’re really just build different than a lot of folks. i hope you had time to recharge so far and keep taking it easy. i do miss your updates but i can assure you im fine waiting, as are your other readers! its really okay! get better soon 💐🐀💓

Hi anon,

This is very kind of you to say, but tbh, I don't think many people know how much some writers can, well, write.

I might seem like an over-achiever, but there are writers out there who easily write around 6000-10000 words per day, and release a book per month. I have met successful authors who aim for 150k or 200k at NaNo, because 50,000 words is 5 days of work to them.

It's hard for me to comprehend, because I know I can't do that. But likewise, I think many folks don't realise that I actually used to write a lot more than I do now!! For some years it was normal for me to write 50-80,000 words every single month. NaNo was a joke. That caused burnout, and so I adjusted down to a 25,000 minimum monthly wordcount which sometimes felt so easy that it was absurd. I now have a maximum which I have to adhere to per month (50k), because it's too easy to go past it.

For me, writing is relatively easy. It's still work, yes. I still need to put time into it. But I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who hasn't done it for thousands and thousands of hours. I don't need to put in the same amount of time as someone who can only touch type at 80 wpm, when I touch type at 120-150 wpm.

The amount of stories is an issue, and the number of chapter updates is an issue, but the actual output re: words themselves really isn't. In fact I've written more words this month than I did last month already, and will very likely hit my monthly minimum with the next chapter.

The things that contributed to my burnout are multifaceted. Getting a puppy. A death in the family. Not having access to the mental health drugs I need to function for a long period of time. Friendship disintegration. These things can cause burnout in anyone, even if they are working very sustainably, because they all require separate labour on top of the labour that someone is doing for their job.

When I come back from hiatus, I will not be writing less. I don't believe the wordcount is the issue and haven't for a long time. I will be scheduling out less chapters, because admin is overwhelming to me. If you told me that my job wasn't writing anymore, but I had to schedule + figure out when to post twice as many chapters, I'd fail, lmao.

So I will be addressing admin stuff! But the amount of words I was pushing out, anon, was completely sustainable, and in fact a highly reduced number compared to what I was pushing out 6/7 years ago. Anon, I have been pushing out this many words or more for 5 years without stopping until now. It's felt comfortable. It's been so much less than what I used to make myself write.

So yeah, again, it can be hard for people who don't do this professionally to imagine writing at this level. And all professionals are different. I couldn't write 150k for NaNoWriMo, but the people writing 100k a month find that extremely easy to do. How I feel about their output - that it's impossible (because it is for me) is not how they feel about their output. For them writing 50k a month to make it easy might be extremely laughable to them, like, 5 days of work and then they get 25 days off. That's sometimes how I've felt about 25k (though it's more like 10 days of work to me - which is great, because I have chronic illness lol, so I need a lot of rest days and periods).

The amount of words I was pushing out consistently will be the amount I go back to because that is truly the most sustainable part of my job. I don't expect folks who haven't plugged in as many hours into writing, and who haven't written millions of words to understand, but the fact is the more you do something, the faster you get at it. The more practice you have, the more competent you become.

That was actually how I knew the burnout was so bad, because the easiest part of my job - the words + the writing - was impossible last month, and I only ended up with 14k for the first time in 5 years, and had to make a call.

The reason the hiatus is so frustrating is that so much of it is being caused by external factors, and not actually the job itself. Like yes, I am working on too many stories, and I can address that, but I was actually doing much higher wordcounts when I was working on less stories.

It's all the extra stuff that becomes very overwhelming! But I'll get there anon, and my wordcounts aren't going anywhere.

[autistic-rizz-king]

I can't focus on school. I don't know how to explain my quotes because they seem intuitive to how they support my thesis. Also, most of my evidence is from subtext, inferring intention, or recognizing tropes, cliches, and real-world stereotypes. It feels like I'm chained to my bed every morning and I physically can’t get up until I’m late for school. I'm doing so many different things and it feels like too much but I don't know how to just not do them. I'm doing so many things and brushing my teeth is at the bottom of my list. It's something I can easily do but even more easily not. I don't know why I'm like this. I do. I have ADHD and probably autism. It's terrible. I love myself. I’m amazing. But I feel like my brain is constantly self-sabotaging me. I am currently on my period which is a week late because I just started taking a type of hormonal birth control to stop having a period. So my emotions are turned up to eleven. I had a crapy weekend and nothing else in the world right now is helping me feel less crappy.

I have no idea how much I should be prioritizing school. It's not more important than my mental or physical health. I don't think it's more important than my social life. If I fail it miserably or drop out, it's not the end of the world. My life will still go on, and I'll still have different options to survive. But also I'll end up in a box on the street if I don't go to college. Aperently. Both of these facts are according to every adult in my life currently. And they would know best right? They’ve done this all before. They have relevant wisdom to give me, yeah? I’ve never done this before. I have no idea what’s going to happen. I have no reference points at all.

For the past almost 10 years of my existence, my life has revolved around school. I need to finish the next big project or my life will end. I need to get good grades, not cause it matters, but to “build good habits for high school.” no, scratch that, you are still building habits for college. Which you have to go to. But don't feel pressured to go to one. Don't feel pressured to make a decision that will decide the course for the rest of your life. It probably won't even affect the rest of your life whatsoever. Then why even go??? Oh, you don't even have to think about that right now. You're still a freshman. You still have three years till college! But you definitely need to decide by your senior year. So it’s more like two years. Except you should probably already have it figured out by junior year so you can start taking steps to begin your future. So you get one more year free. But that's still a whole year!! unless you take a gap year of course. I don't even know what's up with that. But I literally don't have anything else going on in my life right now, so I might as well plan my whole future. I mean, nothing I'm doing right now matters. Other than getting good grades so my GPA isn't tanked during my senior year. But that's only if you're going to college.

Am I going to college? What else am I supposed to do? I've gone to school my whole life. What, am I just supposed to just stop? Nothing else matters except school. But that's not true. So I fill my life with other things that don't matter. Probably in hopes of proving my life doesn't revolve around school. But also, these things are straight-up fun to do. Am I supposed to care about school because it's my friend and wants to help me? It doesn't feel very helpful. It has consistently been the source of multiple burnouts and breakdowns.

All the upperclassmen that come into class to speak about their freshman year experience, they presented themselves as “delinquent kids” that “screwed their future-selves over” But it's ok! They were able to turn around and now they’re on track to have a successful life. And it's not too late for us!

Oh! Remember to start taking more challenging classes! Because colleges like a 3.8 GPA where you took very very challenging classes much more than a 4.0 GPA where you took very easy classes. So fill your schedual with AP and IB classes now! They don't care if you already cry yourself to sleep every night with just the basic core classes, everyone knows that every single person learns at the same level across all subjects!!!!!! BUT ALSO DON'T FUCKING WORRY ABOUT WHAT CLASSES YOU'RE TAKING RIGHT NOW YOU DUMB MORON!!! YOU'RE PUTTING TOO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF FOR NO REASON!!!!! You're doing this to yourself. Go to therapy.

I am in therapy. I'm talking about my feelings. And they're talking back to me. We are talking. I'm getting better at not exploding and doing something I'll regret later. Or regret getting punished. But the world is still shitty. I'm still forced to follow the court order the judge gave my parents when they were divorced. I'm still forced to let my father parent me even though he had no parenting experience. But I'm talking about school right now. I guess.

Oh, update. I just lost a big chunk of the data I collected for an experiment in physics I'm doing. No one else is doing my experiment. I'm working alone. I closed the tab and it didn't save. I actually think the project I'm doing is really fun. I'm testing how the height a marble is dropped from and the distance a loop de loop is from where the marble was dropped affects whether or not the marble makes it around the loop. The graph looked really cool and had very clearly defined zones in which the ball made it around, partially made it around, and fully made it around. I don't want to redo it. It takes way too long to set up the track at the right measurements. Oh and apparently a project worth a decent amount of my grade was deleted. My partner was in charge of recording and submission and some weird shit happened.

I don't care. I'm having a bad day. I want to go home. Except I feel incredibly guilty about skipping school because “important” stuff happens in school that can make it difficult for me to catch up. What if I just stop trying in school? I'd probably be a lot happier. If you ignore the immense guilt my loved ones will probably put on me. They’ll say, “But you were such a gifted kid! What happened??” I'm gifted because I'm neurodivergent. I'm exceptionally good at most stuff without trying when first starting out. So people think I don't need help. But suddenly “wait, I'm really struggling. I don't know what to do.” “what do you mean?? You were fine before. Other people your age are doing completely fine. They're getting decent grades, are in extracurriculars, and have grade social lives. And they're not complaining like this.” That’s a lie. My close loved ones probably wouldn't say that stuff. But living in this world is so tiring.

For all the hate I just gave about school, I do think a dedicated place to learn about the world is a very good idea. It’s just adults put an absurd amount of pressure on children to live up to their arbitrary standards. It's sickening. I want to violently unravel the existence of American society and live in a nomadic limbo for the rest of time. One more thing; the world is burning in every way imaginable and I plan my future to distract myself from the fact that I may not even have one.

[ratsoh-writes]

Alright, this is my first time actually sending anything anonymous (or any ask to someone who isn’t a mutual) on Tumblr but guess ya gotta start somewhere, heh

I’m serious and cold to anyone who I don’t know well and I have a habit of being sarcastic whether when I’m annoyed or trying to joke around with people I’m unfamiliar with though with people I know well, I’m supportive and a lot more open to laughing and joking around. I have a blank resting face, really the only time I smile is when I have something to smile about.

I’m actually really protective of my friends. I have a difficulty discerning what’s rude and not, I’m blunt but I’m also very careful not to say anything that could hurt someone’s feelings (of course I don’t have the best judgement with that).

I don’t always express my emotions properly, I’ll storm out when I’m nervous which can make it look like I’m angry when I’m more scared than anything.

I have really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to anger, it doesn’t have to be directed at me. I panic relatively easily, it doesn’t matter if I’ve lost something or it’s a rude comment, it can be someone who’s close or whom I’ve never met. Unfortunately I tend to be a bit of a pushover when it comes to defending myself, I’ve gotten better, I have certain times where I will stand up for myself but for the most part I just panic.

This also transitions when talking to people I don’t know well, sometimes I’m either ‘eh’ or really awkward if I have to actually talk to them.

Likes:

I like to draw, write, video games (more turn based and relaxing ones rather than shooting games) and collect animal figurines (they just make me smile, I remember when my mom first got me one and I was immediately grinning). I absolutely love animals, I have my own smol doggo and kitty cat :) I myself am a cat person

Dislikes or pet peeves:

People who are loud (like all the time, I can handle someone who laughs loudly) or nosy. I’m also not a fan of being touched, especially when it just kinda… happens. Not a fan of sports overall

Deal breakers:

Somebody who gets mad quickly or one who can’t calm down and talk about it rather than yell. Also somebody who can’t respect that I don’t like being touched without being asked or even then I might say no. I’d like someone who’s level headed or relaxed, though will take situations seriously. Or somebody who forces me to go out

Some specific traits I’d prefer is someone who is patient yet stubborn and won’t take my ‘I don’t care’ as an answer cause that’s my answer to many things because of my anxiety and my fear of upsetting people. I’d also like someone who can read body language as well. They also need to be able to wait for like a minute for me to answer a question properly since I uh decide things rather slowly.

Weaknesses:

-I don’t talk about my feelings, not even to people who I trust and am really close to

-I panic a lot

-I’m easily irritated, though I don’t often act on my anger unless it’s pent up, doesn’t mean I don’t show it y’know… via body language

-I’m more of a pessimist than anything else

-I’m a perfectionist, I have to do something right

-I’m prone to burnout

-I don’t have a lot of patience when it comes to people, specifically to people who nag, are idiots, or just rude

Strengths:

-I can and will stand up for my friends

-I care deeply for my friends and family

-I’m not a very judgy person, like let people do what they want man

-I’d like to think I’m somewhat good at giving advice

-I actually have a lot more patience when it comes to animals, they can poop in the house or tear something up and I’d be more frustrated than I am mad at them

Tidbits:

-I have 0 stamina or strength

-Legit someone can gently punch me and it’d hurt for a solid 30 seconds

-Tickling makes me want to cry(?)

-A long conversation can leave me exhausted, I need time to recharge and that time can either be a couple of hours or up to two weeks

-I pace a lot which is mostly to zone out and go into my own fantasy world, I’ll either pace in silence or while listening to music

-I can't focus on a single task if I'm working, gotta be doin something at the same time like listening to music

I have freckles, I’m a sandy blonde which is almost light brown, and blue eyes. I’m really short lol, I’m 4’10

Alright, after a lot of consideration, I think the best fit for you would be…………ACE (mafiaswap sans)!

First of all, ace is literally a mafia boss. He been dealing with temperamental and jumpy people his whole life. Your personality when he first meets you won’t phase him at all. And ace is just the right amount of patience and persistence to befriend anyone!

Ace is also very observant and witty. His whole job is to charm the pants off of people and make them relax. He’s great at picking up those signals for when you’re feeling uncomfortable. And it doesn’t take him long to figure out which buttons to push to help you loosen up. He’s not an enabler though. Ace does care about his loved ones and will insist on them stepping out of their comfort zones once in a while. He knows their limits though and is good about not pushing them. This is the main reason I picked him over second choice.

Ace is no stranger to video games. They aren’t necessarily his favorite thing, but he can be convinced to play with you. He does it plenty for his little brothers slim and bruiser.

He tends to show his affection more in acts of service and verbally rather than touch. And words mean a lot to him. He doesn’t except you to bear your soul to him all the time, but he would want to hear an “I love you” sometimes

Ace with a SO can be pretty playful. He likes leaving silly notes in his SOs pockets to find later, or sneaking mini treats or gifts into their room. It keeps them on their toes and gives him a chance to be stealthy.

If you’re curious, second choice would’ve been wine

[spiderman-fic]

ahhaa hey

just some stuff really

hence the balloons

“What does that mean? Au-tis-tic,” Morgan asked, stumbling over the pronunciation, looking from one adult to the other.

-

Morgan’s birthday party leads to some important and long delayed conversations.

12,728 Words

No pairing

Liminal Break

"Would you be satisfied if you could have a vague idea of what I look like ?"

Johnny thinks it over. "Are you suggesting we play Guess Who ?"

Spidey chuckles at the mention of the board game. They're close enough that Johnny can feel it shake his shoulders. It sends trills up the blond's chest.

"No, I meant..."

A hand goes to grab Johnny's wrist —the one that is not thrown around Spidey— to guide his hand up outside of the covers and draw it closer to the vigilante until the tip of his fingers land on plush skin. Spidey lets go of him, and Johnny finds himself trailing against what he recognizes as a cheekbone.

"Oh," he marvels. "Yes, that's— that could work," and he feels a smile move Spidey's cheek.

14,429 Words

Peter Parker/Johnny Storm

hit me (i wont break, even if you do)

“He called,” she rasps, nails digging into Peter’s skin hard enough to draw blood. Her voice is dry and hoarse from disuse, but she pushes on. “He called this morning, to try and apologize. Said he’s gotten help. Help. Says he sorry. As if—as if it changes what he did to us!”

God, Abby is angry. She yells again, seemingly trying to expel every bit of negative energy from her body. Peter holds her and cries with her, in disbelief that someone could ever cause their child this kind of pain. Peter’s seen the evidence of Henry Keener’s abuse before. He’s kissed at Harley’s scars and wiped away tears after a particularly bad dream, but the other boy has never been like this. This anger, this heartbreak, is a different level of pain that Peter can only imagine. He’s lost a lot in his life, yes, but he’s never had the two people who were supposed to take care of him fail so spectacularly.

He decides, right then and there, that he will not fail Abbie Keener.

3,923 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

The Curious Case of Tony Stark’s Adopted Children

Tony has a habit of adopting children in need. When those children meet, although they’re not really children anymore, life is never the same.

Or:

Of course Mr. Stark would do this. Introduce Peter to one of the most beautiful people he’d ever seen. With an even more beautiful southern accent. Without any warning. Really, it was Peter’s own fault. Mr. Stark didn’t know Peter was into guys. How could he? Peter hadn’t told anyone. Except Ned and MJ, but they didn’t really count in the whole bisexual grand scheme of things.

39,058 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

Tales From The Back Pages

Peter Parker was born with his words. Johnny Storm's been sure his will be said sarcastically since he was a child. Everything else more or less happens according to plan.

A first words soulmate AU.

19,019 Words

Peter Parker/Johnny Storm

21st Century Burnout

When Benjamin Parker died he left Peter the only valuable thing he owned: a 1969 Ford Mustang 429 Boss. That was almost a decade ago. Now, Uncle Ben is probably rolling over in his grave since illegal street racing was 100% not the intented outcome.

Spiderman by day and king of the streets by night, a jaded Peter Parker is tired of being the hero. Harley Keener is the unfortunate mechanic who fixes Peter’s beautiful, abused car (and sometimes Peter).

11,608 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

HAHAHAHAHAHA I FORGOT ABOUT THIS ONE

Mountain out of a Rose Hill

"PS. Harley, if you don’t bring a date, I’m setting you up with someone at the wedding. :)"

They go back to the town Harley grew up in for a wedding

3,512 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

Fake dating AU

A Way to Hold On

"Do I know you?"

“Uh. Shit, fuck—sorry!” Oh. My. God. Harley, you suck. “No, no, you don’t know me. And you shouldn’t, don’t worry. I just—sorry, wow, this is embarrassing. I, uh. Shit, man, I kinda thought, for some reason, that you were Spiderman?”

The other teen blinked, mouth parted slightly. And, yeah, Harley figured he’d look like that if an idiot snuck up on him in the woods too.

“I’m really sorry to bother you! I promise, dude, I swear I'm not just some estranged fan that followed you into the woods!" Put your foot in your mouth and suffocate, Keener.

Or, the Russo's robbed us of any and all Keener/Parker interaction and I'm a salty bitch.

10,317 Words

Harley Keener/Peter Parker

go slowly with me now

Peter places distance between himself and Harley. Even when Tony moves everybody to the compound for the summer, sets Harley to training physically and as a pilot. He and Peter sit through battle strategy discussions with the Avengers, get a more comprehensive understanding of weapons training. Tony is putting them together on purpose, working them through the same lessons. Yet, Peter pushes back.

He doesn’t spend any alone time with Harley. He doesn’t sit next to him at meals and doesn’t work with him in the lab. He’s aware that its brattish behavior, that he’s being unnecessarily rude, but he just knows that is dangerous. He’ll fall for Harley’s charming drawl and sunny smile if he gives him too much attention. He’ll fall for his brain, for his heart for making the world better.

And if that happens, he’ll let his guard slip.

And if his guard slips, Harley will take his place...because how could he not?

3,331 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

As You Wish

Harley doesn’t know that Peter is Spider-Man. Peter intends to keep it that way. Between the long nights spent together in the lab or Peter’s living room, he'd say he's managing pretty well.

The only flaw in his brilliant plan is that Peter can't stop suiting up whenever Harley wants food since, let’s face it, Spider-Man is way faster than Peter Parker anyway. Cue a perplexed Harley Keener who is determined to find out how Peter makes his late night food runs at the speed of light.

Peter just wanted to woo Harley through cuisine, damnit.

4,151 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

Welcome To Parker's Pastries

"Because even though his hands were dead tired from kneading the dough and his knees hurt from standing for so long, a new regular had started coming in, and his smile alone wiped away all of Peter’s fatigue."

1,768 Words

Peter Parker/Harley Keener

[ikeservant]

Ummm hi! Can I ask for HCs for the warlords (maybe from the Uesugi side) with a feisty MC? Feisty as in when someone bad shows up she just punches and kicks them in the groin and just like overall fights uncontrollably? Sorry if it's confusing, hehe

Oh my goodness I finally finished! Sorry school has caused me to suffer from burnout but I finally wrote, @drawwriterpganime712 ! To all that have requested, sorry its been taking so long but school is a lil hectic, but I will get it finished! Hope you enjoy :)

Kenshin- He was drinking sake in an Azuichi bar when all of the sudden a couple guys started to harass the elderly owner for free drinks. Kenshin was getting annoyed by the commotion and was about to stand up until mc stomped right over and demanded that they stop. “Mind your own business, woman, unless you want to be next.” Kenshin watched as she sighed, walked away, came back with a stool and SWUNG IT FULL FORCE across the back of one of the bad guys, breaking the stool into splinters. Holding the broken stool legs like a pair of sharp, splintery daggers, she threatens to turn them into swiss cheese. Kenshin, actually glad this turned out interesting, steps in and joins the fight. MC and Kenshin vs the bad guys. After mc and Kenshin obviously won, he had to recheck his whole “women are passive and weak” mentality and stated how impressed and surprised he was that she had fighting spirit and decided to give her a few pointers on how to fight more precisely instead of going out of control with broken stool legs. She is HYPED to learn how to beat up bad guys better so she learns from the best, which is Kenshin. He relates to how much mc has that feisty fighting spirit but keeps telling her to observe the situation and gage her opponents before she goes wild on them. Falls in love with her and her spirit. It’s like the God of War met his Goddess of War. Power couple. If any bad or sketchy guys show up, mc will knee them in the groin. “My love that’s not necessary. I’m sorry sir, you don’t deserve that.” “You’re going to show me mercy?” “No, you deserve worse.” *screaming ensues.*

Shingen- He learned the hard way about mc’s feistiness. He knew of mc due to intel and spy intel and how she was connected to the Oda so he was following her, not knowing she sensed him and thought he was gonna do something sketchy but played it cool, walking around in circles. When he decided to swoop in and make his move to suavely get info from her, he walked behind her and put his hand on her shoulder. “You must be an ang-eeeeeeel.”, not finishing his pickup line before she punched him in the crotch, causing him to get winded and go down on his knees. Pushing her knee into his back, she demanded why he was following her. Luckily he had a backup plan that involved a lil lying. “Hey I know Sasuke, your ninja friend. He wants to meet with you about the current state of the war. I can take you to hii-“ Mc pressed her sandal into his back, angry. “You think I would follow a strange man who has his tiddies out?” “This time, yes.” Sasuke came out from the shadows and it turns out he did want to talk about the war and how it’d be safer to come over to their side. Mc agrees as long as Shingen stays at least 10 feet away from her. She eventually warms up to him and he adores how fiery she is and calls her a fiery goddess. “Did you see that maniac woman whack that thief with a fabric roll?” “That woman is an angel and I will marry her someday” he’d reply to a very confused civilian with hearts in his eyes.

Yukimura- If this boy calls her a wild boar, he’s gonna be met with the force of a wild boar. Mc punched him out of fearful instinct when he saved her from running off the cliff, which made her feel bad for the misunderstanding but they got into a heated argument until Sasuke stepped in. Whenever they’d bump into eachother in the Azuichi market, they would have a bickering tradition where he called her a boar and she’d threaten to hit him (except this time she doesn’t bc she knows he’s not a bad person and is friends with Sasuke). He learns fast what she does to people she truly dislikes or labels as bad. Yuki decided to treat mc to sweet buns for always purchasing the products he fails to sell. She noticed a soldier towering over a young woman who looked uncomfortable. “There’s that jackass guard I was telling you about. I’ll be back.”mc stood up as Yuki started to protest for her safety. “I’ll give you 3 seconds to walk away from this young lady.” “Or else what? You’re nothing but a little who-“ the man didn’t even get to finish his sentence when mc lashed out and broke a pitcher across his face. She then grabbed him by the hair, pushing his face into her knee and breaking his nose. Before the soldier was going to swing at her, Yukimura dashed in between, helping knock out the guy before things got uglier. “The only one around here that’s allowed to call me names is my man, Yukimura!” she cockily shouts, causing Yuki to go blushy blushy mode.

[chocoholicannanymous]

...As Stupid Does (Teen Wolf) 18/19

AN: As you might have noticed I've updated the chapter count, making this the penultimate post. It is, however, what I consider the last chapter of ...ASD. If you'd like you could read this and have the story (and the series) end now. The last chapter is going to be what I intended for a fifth and final part of the series, but I've decided instead to post it together with this story, I guess as an epilogue of sorts.

(Oh and yes, I'm aware that this chapter is shorter than many of you would prefer. It should, tbh, have been part of last chapter, but that didn't happen. I'm choosing to focus on writing the last bit of this 'verse instead of trying to pad this chapter.)

Part 17, Part 16, Part 15, Part 14, Part 13,  Part 12,  Part 11,  Part 10,  Interlude,  Part 9, Part 8d, Part 8c, Part 8b, Part 8a, Part 7, Part 6, Part 5,Part 4,Part 3, Part 2, Part 1,Not Stupid, Stupid Is… and pre-verse ficlet I’m Stupid (Don’t Worry ‘Bout Me)…

As Stupid Does

part 3 of the Stupid ‘verse

18

Stiles knows that so many of the problems between him and Derek (or really, him and everyone) were caused by him not thinking things through. For someone so obsessed with research he's always had a strange way of jumping in feet first, without looking. He's heard it all his life – not stupid, but just doesn't think. It's the adhd, he supposes.

Regardless of why he is that way it's something he's been actively trying to change with Derek, to think before he leaps and to look at things from every angle. He doesn't always succeed, but he tries.

Well. If he's honest with himself he passed the line between thinking things through and over-thinking them a while back.

He's so, so tired of twisting every idea back and forth until it feels worn.

So he leaps again.

Toronto went well, right? It was a huge step in the right direction, days of being together the way Stiles wants. Surely they can have more of that? So the next time they talk he slides in a casual-only-in-the-term-of-he-wants-it-to-be-but-it-truly-isn't-at-all invitation for Derek to celebrate his birthday with him in LaPush, complete with staying in Stiles' cabin.

The lightning-quick “yes” makes him almost float.

Of course, that doesn't last long. The closer his birthday comes, the more Stiles thinks about what it means that he invited Derek to stay with him, about how they're getting closer and how their relationship is progressing, and he panics. Not about being with Derek, or sharing a life with him, or even having sex again (they're not quite there yet, but Stiles know that they will be). Oh no. He panics about being a selfish little shit.

And he does so hard enough to make a pack full of 'wolves sneeze on the regular, and for his dad to start looking worried.

Dr Bianchi agrees to see him on a Sunday, with practically no warning, and Stiles spends half an hour with words pouring out of him.

“Derek finally has his sister back, and a working pack, and I'm making him leave all of that behind because I'm selfish enough to put my desire to never set foot in Beacon Hills again before Derek's, well, everything. All of that because I'm too greedy to let him free.”

Dr Bianchi looks at him, and then does something Stiles has never seen her do before. She laughs. Long and hard, and if he wasn't busy feeling insulted by it he'd be amazed with how her laughter sounds like bells.

Once her laughter ebbs out Dr Bianchi dabs at her eyes to remove some stray mascara or something before looking him straight in the eyes.

“Are you done being silly?”

And now Stiles is really insulted.

“Oh dear. You have reached that stage. Well, let's do an exercise.

“Close your eyes. Focus on your breathing, slow deep breaths. Find your center. Are you there? Good. Now imagine that Derek hadn't found you. Nothing else about his reality changes, except he doesn't find you. So. He doesn't find you, he doesn't come see you, you don't get back together. He's got his pack in Beacon Hills, his legacy land, his family's graves, his uncle and the baby sister he thought was dead for years has returned to him.

“Can you see that? Yes? Then imagine five years from now. Is Derek still the Alpha? Is he still living in Beacon Hills?”

“Hell no.” And oh.

“Why not?”

“Because Beacon Hills might be his legacy, but it's also a constant reminder that he's responsible for that legacy now. Of all that he lost. He hangs on because of that responsibility, that duty to the land and his family's memory and the pack.”

And now that he sees it, that he's been forced to open his eyes and see it, Stiles can't understand how he could have been so blind to how much Derek really shouldn't have stayed in Beacon Hills after Laura's death.

“And once Cora takes over he's got no reason to torture himself by living in the middle of all that.”

In a way, Stiles thinks, Derek's never really stopped living in the burnout ruins of the Hale house. Physically he might be staying at the loft, but mentally, emotionally... Derek's never fully left.

“He would be able to leave, knowing that the responsibility is Cora's, and that unless she calls him for help he would never have to return there. He'd only need to go back for her, and Scott's dependable enough that he could hold the territory for her if she was to go see Derek somewhere else for a while.”

He sees it now, the future that Derek could have had, and it doesn't look so bad. He prefers the one where Derek's with him, of course, but. Derek could have been happy and free from Beacon Hills even if he hadn't found his way to Stiles.

“Exactly. Now, we don't know if Derek would have found the help he needed without your resources, but I like to think someone would have realized what he needed and stepped up.

“But we agree that chances are Derek would still have given up the Alpha spark, handed over the pack and the land to his sister, and moved away. That means you are not in any way stealing that from him. I understand you panicking, but you can't let your fears dictate your truth.

“You told Derek that you couldn't imagine going back to Beacon Hills before you even started dating. He knows exactly why you don't want to live in Beacon Hills, knew it from the beginning, and could weigh his desire to be with you against his desire to be physically close to his sister. And you won. That was his choice.

“Don't disrespect him by trying to claim that choice doesn't mean anything.

“But Stiles? You have called Beacon Hills a hellmouth more than once in my presence. Now I'm fairly sure I'm not breaking any confidentiality clauses when I say that Derek agrees, because he's done so right here in this room with you present. Right?”

Right. He really feels silly now, because Dr Bianchi is 100 percent right. He has sat here – and at home, and in LaPush – and ranted about how hellmouths aren't supposed to be a thing, and yet, Beacon Hills, with Derek all but going “amen” next to him.

“Your feelings regarding that town are completely valid. Your love for Derek doesn't change that. Wanting both the man you love and safety doesn't make you greedy, or selfish. Especially not since Derek also has some very bad memories from that place. We both know that part of why you want him to leave there is because you believe it's better for him. Even if he decided to leave for somewhere not here, not with you, you would still want that for him. So no, you're not being selfish for wanting both of you out of a place that's brought you so much pain and sorrow.”

That...hurts, hearing. Stiles is fully aware of how unreasonable he's being, but he actually felt better thinking he was selfish and practically forcing Derek to move because of it.

“Then why do I feel like a selfish shit? If I'm doing what's best for him, then why doesn't it feel like that?”

Dr Bianchi gives him a small smile.

“Because you want to do the right thing, but you're worried you'll make the wrong choice again. You're scared, and you're vulnerable, and you hate both. Just remember that there's a strength in allowing yourself to feel that way – as long as you don't allow it to rule you.”

Easier said than done, and they both know it, but then and there Stiles recommits to not letting his fears rule him.

O--o---o--O

Stiles' birthday is celebrated without much fanfare. He and his dad eat lunch with the Calls. Derek arrives shortly before dinner, which the pack eats at Sam and Emily's and where the biggest difference between today and any other day is that there's a huge cake. Afterwards they light a bonfire at the beach and just spend time together.

When he opens the door to his future home and lets Derek inside it feels heavy and symbolic and maybe like a true glimpse of the future, and Stiles shivers a little. Derek of course misinterprets him.

“Do you regret offering me to stay here?”

“Of course not! It's just, you know, big.”

His heart's as steady as it's capable of being and Derek nods. If his hands shake a little as he climbs up to the loft, well, he's not going to mention it. Once he's up he turns and calls out softly to Derek.

“Coming?”

Derek's hesitant as he climbs up, uncharacteristically slow, and he's still hesitating as he comes to a stand next to the bed. The single bed.

Yes, it's a queen, but. They haven't shared a bed since before Stiles left Beacon Hills. This is a big step.

“I could shift.”

Stiles doesn't know if Derek means shift and sleep on the floor, or shift and sleep at the foot of the bed, but it doesn't matter. That's not the plan. Sure, he's not averse to a furry bed-companion, especially not on cold nights, but his hormones are fully awake and he's got plans, you know? Bestiality really isn't something he's looking to try, not even considering werewolves – or should that be especially considering werewolves? Never mind, just, nope.

“I'm not saying no to having you curled up and warming my feet on a cold night, but this night? I was hoping for this body.”

He smiles, a little wicked, and pulls his shirt off. His pants follow them to the floor, and then he stretches out across the bed.

“I wouldn't mind you warming me up though.”

It pleases him to see Derek pull his own henley and jeans off without hesitation, and it really pleases him to have Derek join him in bed. Soon every bit of lingering chill has been chased away by werewolf warmth, along with every last bit of fear.

It's been years since he touched Derek like this, but his hands remember as they wander while they kiss. Derek however is a bit more restrained, and Stiles isn't onboard with that. He's made his mind up and he wants this. Derek wanting to be careful with him is nice, yes, but it's hard to decide if it's more sweet or annoying.

(His dick is screaming annoying.)

He's just going to have to take the matter cough into his own hands.

Derek stills.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I'm sure. I've had months to be sure. I want this. I want you.” He twists his hand a little, then pauses. Right.

“But if you're not ready, then I'll wait. I don't want this unless we both do.”

Consent is always going to be a sore point for both of them, and while Stiles would prefer a different kind of pillow talk he can deal. He hasn't spent all this time and effort getting over how they were in Beacon Hills just to make the same mistake again, only the other way around.

“I do.”

Stiles loses his breath, staring into Derek's eyes, sucker-punched by those words. Then he practically throws himself at his wolf, hands and mouth and desire.

It's everything good from before, yet somehow nothing like it used to be.

They fall asleep tangled up, sweaty and sated.

Stiles wakes up, afraid that he's going to regret what happened, or that Derek will regret it, or even that Derek will be gone – which is stupid, since he can feel Derek with him, a line of warmth half covering him, but fear is never rational. And then he takes the time to center himself, to feel, and he knows.

This is how he wants to wake up for the rest of his life. Warm, safe, happy.

Things will be hard. He's got another three years left of college. Derek's got another year, at least, of being the Alpha of Beacon Hills. They're not going to have enough time together and there's always going to be the risk of some spectacular shitshow going down. And that's without considering their relationship.

They're going to be messy, and imperfect, and sometimes stupid. They're going to fight, and disagree, and wonder if they made the right choices. They're going to storm out and slam the doors and go to bed furious. But they're also going to be happy and in love and together, and they're going to fight to stay that way.

And that, Stiles thinks, is anything but stupid.

He turns around and burrows into the arms of his 'wolf, at peace.

[hanaasbananas]

Thanks for tagging me @rosekasa ! It was really fun to read the insights behind some of your fics and art and also realising that i've read all of the fics you mentioned lmao i lOVE YOUU

Rules: It's time to love yourselves! Choose your 8 favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you bought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome work!

Honestly, even thogh 2020 was kinda shitty in general, it was a really good writing year for me-I finally got out of my uni burnout after writing my dissertation in 2019 and other coursework and wrote some of my favourite things. Here we go!

Phantoms In the Dark: Coming in at number one, to absolutely nobody's surprise. This fic...what can I say about this fic? It is my BABY. I came up with the idea back in April last year, I think? And I spent pretty much the next four months working exclusively on it. (Yeah I had an issue with procrastination and most of it got written when I fell down the stairs and was bedridden for a month, but I digress). I love historical AU's and there aren't nearly enough in the ML fandom so I decided to write my own and honestly 30k might not be a lot to some people but considering its the first chaptered story I've extensively planned and completed instead of abandoned, I'm pretty goddamn proud of it. Personally, I think it's some of my best work, and though it didn't get as much hype or attention as I wanted it to, it's starting to gain some now and I'm just glad its out there for people to read because I love it so much and also because of lines like this:

“You are the most extraordinary woman I have ever met,” he murmured, pulling back. His eyes were hooded, dark with desire. “And I love you.” Chat smiled suddenly, so brightly it made her heart skip a beat. “I don’t think I shall ever tire of saying that.” He leaned down to peck her lips once, “my darling,” twice, “my lady,” three times more, smiling against her lips, “...my love. ”

(Probably one of my favourite lines in this story are the last three sentences of chapter 12 but in the interest of spoilers, I won't put them here lol. Ch12 is actually FULL of some of my best writing I reckon. I mean I made people cry so...)

Ladybug Luck? What's That? : This is pure crack I love it so much. I wrote this after me and @rosekasa first bonded over ML Bollywood headcanons and the gamla scene from K3G just wouldn't leave my head until I wrote it. I wrote this instead of sleeping after iftar and posted it jUST before going downstairs for sehri lmao

Pink: An experiment in writing a story with no dialogue. I just really like this because it's just so SOFT and sweet adrinette

our eyes speak (but on our lips is silence): Wrote this for Alizeh's birthday and also because I watched Laila Majnu again and the song that inspired it is just so good. This also then spawned my series on ao3 Hanaa's Bollywood Playlist because I kept! getting! inspired! by! songs! and now here we are. I really like this, wasn't sure about it at the time but I love experimenting with different narrative styles and having moments in the present interspersed with lines of dialogue from a previous conversation between the two was really fun. Especially because I had to figure out how to have the scenes correspond to the dialogue lmao i spent so long working it out.

Exposed: Love me a good identity reveal and this was really fun to write as well, even if it is angsty as HECK. Pretty sure I wrote this in a couple of hours I honestly don't even remember much except just listening to Ishaqzaade on repeat while I wrote lol. One of my FAVOURITE tropes is when Adrien and Marinette don't know each other as civilians so then I thought 'ok what if they had a public identity reveal and have to hide out now, except they don't know each other'. And this was born.

“That’s not-” he stumbles over his words, covering her hand with his own. “That’s not why I do it.” At her questioning look, he elaborates “my identity doesn’t matter—everyone knows who I am anyway but...yours-” he licks his lips “your name belongs to you. I won’t hear it from anyone else.”

“You don’t have to tell me!” Adrien hurries to reassure her “I just-don’t want to take that away from you.”

This Red Love: My first enemies au! And probably my best as well. I love the movie Ram Leela so much, and the lyrics to Laal Ishq are so beautiful I just HAD to write something so we get this nice lovers to enemies to lovers fic!

Memory: I wrote this when I was feeling like shit and was being all lame and broody, which I think kind of comes across in the text. I love reading chat blanc fics and fix it's and what have you but here I just wanted to explore how Chat must have felt being completely alone with the knowledge that he caused the destruction of earth.

Wish: Memory walked, so that Wish could run. I closed out the year with a healthy dose of angst but I still really love this because I needed to exercise my angst writing muscles after writing fluff for so long but also because I just love really getting into the minds of these grief stricken characters and seeing how they'd react to scenarios. I also cried like a baby when I wrote this, especially a scene in the last flashback which I had the idea for and IMMEDIATELY decided to put in even though the fic was plenty sad already. What can I say, I'm mean like that 😈

Aaah Alizeh this was so much fun to look at what I wrote last year again, some for the first time since posting sjsksks thanks again for the tag! I tag @apopcornkernel @theanxiouscupcake @sukker-sugar and @2manyfandoms2count

[lambourngb]

1 Hi! I saw the Michael wants a family w/ Alex thread & saw you're maybe planning a fic. First off I am such a fan and feel free to delete this if it in anyway offends bec i I swear it's never my intent. It's your fic and you can 1000% write w/ever you want. I can't figure out how to reply to the thread but I saw someone putting in a request not to shade M for not wanting kids. So I thought maybe it'd be okay to reach out too w/ a concern (i hope I'm not overstepping, if so ignore me please).

2 I get that the idea of including her in the 1st place was from a comment who wanted a fun petty moment (no judgement) but it grew to addressing Michael's passiveness. I just wanted to put it out there that I hope incl. her doesn't come off as if she's the 1st option for this. Given the OG text post, it'd be great if Alex is the 1st person Michael thinks of when thinking about a child. The idea of it being a last resort or that he went to someone else 1st just makes me so anxious and sad.

3 I feel like Alex deserves better & that Michael chooses him because he wants to not bec he has no options so I hope it isn't written like that. The show forcing things is tiring me out and it's making me anxious about things I'm usually pretty chill about. I don't even know if you will write it and I don't mean any harm. I hope you're not mad and I didn't offend & this isn't coming off as whiny or demanding, I was just rly hoping to reach out to voice a concern. Thanks for reading.

Hi Nonnie- first of all, thank you. I’m glad you enjoy my writing! That’s always nice to hear. And second of all, I’m not offended and I completely understand your anxiety about Alex being a second choice here with Michael. I’ve always believed that Maria has been Michael’s second choice in canon. He’s convinced himself that things are too hard with Alex and it’s best to give up. I hate that for Michael because it says a lot of things about his non-existent self esteem and his abandonment issues. Anyway, my “Michael wants a family” story is just a nebulous idea at the moment and is obviously something I won’t dive into until I finish off Last Year’s Wishes. I basically smack my brain with a rolled up newspaper and say “No! focus on the thing you started before you start another!”.

When I am ready to dive in- here’s what I’m thinking and hopefully this helps gauge your future interest in this story- like Last Year’s Wishes, I like to write from one limited point of view. I have only tried briefly to write from Michael’s POV, but I feel like this story has to be told from his and that’s intimidating as hell, haha, especially because I feel a deep connection to Alex.

What we know from canon regarding kids and a family is- Michael wants a family. Other than Isobel leaving the door open for herself in the future, he’s the only one who has definitively said he wants kids. I don’t know how Maria or Alex feels about kids, Maria I think I can guess on (more on that below), but Alex, other than saying that Roswell felt like home for the first time because of Michael (triggering Maria’s iconic line “Home can be a person”) hasn’t said much in the way of marriage and family. The fact he bought or rented a house in Roswell, instead of the cabin - maybe that signals he wants to set down roots? Maybe he just hated the commute from the cabin?

Maria is a little easier for me to make a guess over, and I could be wrong, but she’s been working extremely hard to support herself and her mother for many years. Did she dream about being a singer? Did she ever want to leave Roswell? We don’t know, but she is savvy with money and is constantly looking for opportunities to better her position in life financially. And that financial security is still shakey with her 24/7 hustle. Nursing home care in the US is so costly it could be considered a crime, and with Mimi not being old enough to qualify for social security or medicare, that cost is on Maria’s shoulders. From a young age- Maria’s entire focus on the future was based around the knowledge that she was going to have to take care of her mother. I don’t know if that leaves energy for the idea of taking care of a child. Maria also knew she too would face this neurological disorder at some point and become a burden herself. Now does the bracelet stop her decline? How long does the pollen’s keep things in check? And if she does keep her mind healthy and intact, what sort of thing would she be passing on to a more-than-50 percent alien child?

Again I could be projecting my own feelings here, but I just get the vibe that Maria has a lot of caretaker burnout still and is reaching for things that make her feel good in the moment but is in no hurry to take on another big future responsibility outside of making enough money to survive.

And what does that mean for Michael’s relationship with her? If he wants to have a long-term relationship with Maria, he would have to let go of the idea of kids. Here’s the thing, that Michael himself said, he’s good at giving up. He gave up college, he gave up on hope/people, he gave up on the idea he could have a happy ending with Alex- everywhere you look in canon, you see him holding up empty hands when it comes to things he wants and basically saying “I tried for a bit, it was hard, so I’m done trying” (and personally I think he tried for 10 years with Alex, the longest and most stubborn grab for happiness).

Other people get him to keep pushing past that impulse to give up - Liz when it came to curing Isobel, Liz again when it came to saving Max, and Alex- when it came to looking for some hope in a dark story (Nora and Tripp). So I want Michael to be the one who pushes himself past that impulse. I want him to come face to face with his oldest, most wanted desire (A family) and draw a line in the sand, and so no, “I want this, I want this for me” and not back away when it causes conflict with someone else.

But here’s the thing, Michael’s so used to “going where you want me” that I think even in the face of Maria saying “you know, kids aren’t in the future here” he would still try to make it work. I have long joked that I ship everyone on RNM with a therapist (except for Kyle, who is perfect) but I really want Michael to seek out help. I think he would go, but for entirely the wrong purpose- in my story, he would go see a therapist and say to them, “I can fix a busted transmission, but I can’t fix this. Can you help me with this? She doesn’t want a family but I do. How can I change myself”

And oh boy is that a pandora’s box for a therapist. Digging into the meat of you don’t think people will stay so you push them away- Alex, then when they do express they want you, you don’t believe it will last so why bother trying again. In the process of Michael trying to fix himself so he can preserve his relationship with Maria, he discovers though guidance - that he can’t be a good partner if he’s not good to himself, and letting someone else’s desires supersede his own isn’t healthy. Then finding the balance after you figure out you can say no- because compromise is also important.

Somewhere in this mess is Sanders, who after hearing that Michael’s ready to ditch the idea of being someone’s dad, shakes him by the shirt collar. Explaining to Michael that just maybe he should have tried harder all those years ago to be someone who could adopt him, that shame never leaves him. Trying twice was good but not good enough, who’s to say the third time wouldn’t have been successful? But somewhere along the line Sanders decided it was easier to be the old gin-soaked junkyard dog than be someone who was willing to do the work of sobriety. Does Michael want to follow in his footsteps? Leave some kid in a place they don’t belong if he has the ability and desire to provide a home? And Michael decides he is done telling himself it won’t work out, that he wants this with an impulse stronger than his self-defeatist instincts.

And that is the death knell on his relationship with Maria- incompatible.

Then, because I’m a Malex shipper through and through, there’s Alex. He’s shown up for Michael all through season 2. And in my eyes, they’ve worked on their friendship (drown in those 2x04 feels) and Michael calls him for advice, lays out what’s going on with him and Alex supports him on that path to being happy. Alex gently probing him about how long he’s had this dream of being a parent, hearing how it predated senior year, but after senior year Michael inserted Alex into the dream. Michael sharing even after everything, he still thinks of Alex of being there, maybe an uncle? And Alex, overwhelmed by how serious Michael was and maybe still is? Takes it slow, this can’t be a rebound, just urges him to take the small steps, like mentoring with Big Brothers/Big Sisters or through the YMCA.

Those logical steps get escalated when Michael discovers a hitchhiker stowed away in flatbed of his tow trunk after a stop at a rest area. He sees himself in this angry, but desperate kid. He doesn’t want to give the kid up and so he calls on Alex yet again, to do a background check to make sure the story is true and then pleads for him to help. Make Michael foster-parent worthy in the eyes of the law. I don’t know if this skirts the fear you have that Alex is the last resort? In my mind, his two oldest desires are having a kid AND having Alex, and once he works out he can have the first, he realizes that all is not lost with Alex as well.

Anyway my very long thoughts on this story I AM NOT WRITING RIGHT NOW: a take on ‘fake engagement because of CPS’ where Alex installs Michael into his house all so they could give a home to this stray kid. 

[activelyautistic]

Have you ever heard/read anything about the biomechanical pathways of autistic burnout? I'm trying to figure out what might be causing my fatigue, and all the lists of burnout symptoms match up pretty well with my symptoms. It'd be interesting if it had a cellular/immuno cause like ME/CFS, or a nervous system cause, etc.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

Aight Admin S is finally back from the depths of spoonless hell to try to answer this. I really do apologize for how long this took.

Truth be told, I have yet to see any extensive research done on the correlation between these two things, however, I genuinely would not be surprised if there was a strong correlation between the two.

Having said that, I am not certain that it would be exactly the same, CFS, by definition, is a much more long lasting condition than what burnout could ever inflict upon a person. I do think that they would both show up in similar patterns if we were to take brain scans and compare them side by side, though. Because yes, you can literally see fatigue affecting the brain.

My theory is that if we were to take brain scans of two people (in an ideal environment mind you) that were exactly the same except for where one has CFS, and the other experienced burnout, we would see most parts of the brain responsible for processing external stimuli, short term memory, sensory processing, and fatigue would probably look mostly the same. The difference I would assume we would see, mind you, is that in the short term, or at the peak of stress, the person who experiences burnout may show a sharper increase in activity, or it would look as if things may be more severe initially. 

At this point I would also mention that we would have to take into consideration how people process neurotransmitters and hormones as well. People with both conditions process these differently in comparison to abled people, so regardless of which person you look at, they would be processing serotonin, cortisol, dopamine, and various other essential things differently which also can contribute to the difference in brain activity.

And finally, we “take a look” at the brain scans of the person with CFS. I’m sure you’ve done some research of your own if you’ve decided to ask this question in the first place, so I’m hoping you have a basic grasp on the description of the condition. For the sake of anyone else reading my babbling, I’ll explain it shortly.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is, in short, long term unexplained fatigue that is not remedied with sleep, rest or breaks of any sort. The typical requirement for it to be considered “chronic” is 3 months or more. Other symptoms that can accompany this are as follows: muscle pain and/or fatigue, weakness, headaches, and brain fog.

So this is where things get interesting. So remember how I said initially things might show up as more severe or as more extreme in the brain scans from someone showing the signs of burnout? The reason behind this is because someone with CFS would have a constant. A constant level of activity (or lack thereof in some cases) in different areas of the brain because of how the condition makes the entire body work and function differently. A person with CFS will always have a base level of activity (again or not) in the brain, and in this example, maybe the part of the brain responsible for fatigue is already fried, so it’s just kind of...there. So it’s unable to show more activity because literally the whole body is just that tired.

Okay, I rambled. A lot. I’m going to put a TLDR: I think there would be a very strong correlation in the neuropathways for showing signs of burnout and CFS alike, however I believe they would manifest and last very differently due to the nature of how they work.

I’m also going to say that I’m not a professional, and I don’t know anything for sure. This is just my theory based on observation.

[redandfranticfeelings]

an autistic analysis, lyric by lyric, of ‘i love play rehearsal’

ive been hyperfixating over bmc for the last month and i keep thinking about how autistic the main characters are and christine is so very very very autistic coded to me. so i decided im just going to straight up deconstruct the lyrics of her signature song in the context of her being autistic (and also having adhd, but my experience is mostly in autism)

this is very very rambley and based more on personal experience than research, so i doubt itll be interesting to anybody but me, but i just want to talk about christine, the autistic queen

I love play rehearsal Because its the best! Because it is fun. I love play rehearsal and I get depressed as soon as its done.

it goes without saying that chrstine’s special interest is theater right? the way she treats it as the “highlight of [her] life” and then switches into this song after acting completely awkward and disinterested in jeremy outside of the context of him being engaged in her special interest.

But not depressed as in like kill yourself depressed No, im not into self-harm Dude, I swear, here check my arm!

overexplaining in a way that reads very much like speaking before she thinks, even though bringing up self harm in casual conversation with someone you barely talk to is not exactly proper etiquette. i think this is also an adhd trait? going faster than your own brain. that’s basically this whole song.

See, I just use the word to emphasise a point, Show the passion I have got I am passionate a lot. I have mad, gigantic feelings, Red and frantic feelings, About most everything Like gun control, like spring,

a lot of people assume autistic people are typically emotionless but it’s also very easy for us to get caught up in emotional issues especially when it comes to stuff we love, and it catches us off guard. christine being hyperempathetic is implied later in the show when she has that awful survivors’ guilt over making fun of rich and jake, and it also plays into her being so socially conscious as well.

Like if I’m living up to all I’m meant to be.

being an high school junior is really rough bc of all the decisions that have to be made regarding college and your future as an independent adult, and being autistic just makes it worse bc it can easily lead to burnout to deal with so much at once, if you even can comprehend these things much at all (i had no idea what to do, lol). i doubted my ability to grow up and succeed constantly because i had no idea who to talk to and what questions to ask and how to present myself. that’s something that a lot of people worry about, but having social delays makes it way more of a pressing issue than it is for neurotypicals, i feel.

I also have a touch of ADD. Where was I? Oh, right!

self explanatory and very canon. adhd and autism can be diagnosed simultaneously nowadays and the symptoms overlap a lot, btw.

I love play rehearsal, Cause’ you are equiped with direction and text, Life is easy in rehearsal, You follow a script so you know what comes next. Anywho the point that I’m getting to is sometimes life can’t work out in the way It works out in the play

this part screams autistic culture to me. unpredictability is scary because social situations don’t always go smoothly like in fiction! this is why social scripting is a popular therapy tactic for autistic children- you have to manually study social situations like a script. theater is something meant to be memorized and recited until you’re able to process it and manufacture emotion, but honestly for autistic kids, life feels a lot like that sometimes. remember how miserable she got when one of her favorite plays had the script changed without her permission to make a whole new story she doesn’t know? of course that’s just upsetting on its own, but in the context of her knowing theater so well and being fully prepared for one story only to be forced to learn a new one? ouch.

christine is never shown as comfortable outside her element- she hides in a book during “more than survive” and shrinks into nothing at the party. it’s a recurring theme that she has no idea exactly who she is, struggles with her identity outside of theater, and despite not really caring about how people see her, she does care about her own ability. socializing makes her feel awkward, especially when something totally unexpected happens like jake or jeremy asking her out. if she doesn’t have a plan or routine or, well, a script, then she can’t trust herself to go forward.

Like the only time I get to be the center of attention, Is when I’m Juliet or Blanche DuBois

as an autistic theater kid, i just really do relate to being clueless and dumb in real life but being able to totally thrive on the stage, because you can channel the energy that is usually misplaced in real life social interactions, and transfer it through dialogue and song and dance that someone else laid out nicely for you.

and can I mention? That was really one of my best roles, Did you see that?

an epic combination of letting your mind wander easily without caring about making sense to the person you’re speaking to, and taking every opportunity to infodump. in a lot of productions she even mimics her blanche voice just for fun. jeremy tries to respond here but she doesn’t care because she’s in her own brain where everything only really seems to make sense to her.

And no matter how hard I try, It’s impossible to narrow down the many reasons why, I love play rehearsal. I happiness cry whenever it starts!

if she isn’t being hyperbolic then this plays into my ‘so much emotion it’s hard to control’ thing detailed a bit above. either way, big special interest mood.

It’s just so universal Getting to try playing so many parts. Most humans do one thing for all of their lives, The thought of that gives me hives! I’ve got so many interests I wanna pursue,

it’s a lot easier to lose yourself and connect to your special interest than focus on your very complex, very overwhelming real life issues. escaping into fiction and being able to play in a variety of social situations as a totally different person, yay theater!

in general i just like the idea of christine struggling to visualize who she is and thinking about a lot of hypothetical but being unable to choose which one is most desirable or plausible. idk if that’s autistic or just a fun character trait lol. i know jumping from interest to interest is an adhd thing though.

this little passage is good for at least showing that christine distinguishes herself from ‘most humans’ in a way that isn’t so much ‘not like other girls’ but like ‘life is so much more confusing to me than it seems to be to others’ (which the show proposes isn’t exactly true and is the same closed-mindedness that jeremy has, though christine realizes it sooner; however; the sentiment rings true in that christine, as a neurodiverse young woman, has a lot more hoops to jump through than a neurotypical classmate.)

And why am I telling this to you? Guess there’s a part of me that wants to.

jeremy is also very autistic coded in my eyes, but that’s a separate post. i just like them being drawn to each other through that sort of kinship. also if you interpret her as having an unrealized requited crush on him…well, i think for a lot of us, romantic love is easy to confuse with friend love, if even that, because the specifics of emotions are a mess to unravel. (which also explains her confusion on her relationship with jake)

oh and right after this, she starts squawking just because she had the impulse to do so. vocal stimming, much?

Back to play rehearsal, My brain is like ‘bzzz’ My heart is like 'wow’

my brain is always like bzzz honestly lol. this is generally a pretty good way to describe being hyperfocused.

Because we’re here at play rehearsal, and it’s starting, We’re starting, It’s starting, Sooo-ooon.

it’s been confirmed as a deliberate decision that christine’s songs never end on a rhyme, except when she’s squipped and it isn’t ‘really’ her, because she subverts everyone’s expectations, including jeremy’s. i feel that could make for a nice simplified metaphor for autism, right?

[alternative-thinkers]

Have you ever sat down and just wondered what the purpose to your life is, and why you were put on this earth?

Every now and then I would sit down and think to my self what was my purpose on this earth? What was the reason I have been made this was? Why do I think the way I think? Why is life always about making money, and trying to have things that are better than someone else?why thg do people just work there life away to just die and be full of regret and wonder what there life would of been like if they would of slowed down, and just tried to enjoy life more. And why do people always try to work and work and than retire and think there life would just be better when they retire some how?

These thoughts always pop into my head and I sit there and think about it to myself and when I do I get a little sad because there is so many great, talented, smart, creative, wonderful, and joyous souls out there just working there life away for a paycheck to just be able to GET BY and STRUGLE for another day hoping that things will somehow get better without putting any effort in it.

The sad thing about it is that we may never know why these people do these types of things. Do they do it because they want to impress somebody else, or they want other people to acknowledge them, and see how great they are? Or do they just feel like they must fit in and do what everybody else is doing, but just don't know it.

I have been like this for the last 22+ years of my life. I have always tried to get good grades in school to impress my parents, but no matter how hard I have tried it at times didn't seem like it was enough. I tried to do my homework every day but it was never something I wanted to do, I always tried to do extra credit things, but i was never enough. I was never a straight A student (not even close) I was more of your B's C's and D's student (except when it came to math becausei loved math). I was the one that you see that is in the back of the class room, the one that kind of gets nervous and anxiety around alot of people, and when told that I needed to get in front of the class. I always seemed to get overlooked and never really seen or called on much. I was a smart kid but not the best. I was kind but never really known. I was a little talkative, but only when you got to know me. I have been overlooked a lot in my life and made fun of a lot in my life, but I never let it push me into doing things that were reckless, and I never let it push me to do things that others were doing because it never really felt right for me.

When I was younger I had always wanted to work a job like an adult has. So when I was around 14 I decided to lie and say I was 16 so I can get a job at the local carnival, surprisingly enough they had fallen for it. So I got my first job at the ring toss game (you know the one where you toss a small plastic ring at a bunch of bottles in hope to get one to go around the neck of the bottle). I would work there for a few years until I was actually 16 years old, and I got caught up in some stuff that caused me to get kicked out of there the carnival as a worker. Well that is where my life journey as being an employee under someone else has started.

My second job was when I was 18 years old, when I had gotten blessed with a job at a hot dog cart concession company In Miami, Florida. I worked there for about 7 to 8 months until me and my family decided to move to Houston Texas, but as faith had it we ended up moving to North Carolina where I say now. At the hot dog cart concession company I worked there for 7 to 8 months straight as i said before but it was 7 days a week, about 18 hours more or less a day. Luckily i had the endurance for it. I made really good money there and the boss/owner was a great and awesome man, who really cared for and acknowledged is workers and there capabilities. He was in a way my best friend and also my boss which is kind of a great combo at times. But I did work my self ragged up until the point to where we ended up moving to north Carolina.

When we move here I ended up luckily finding a good job with a local retail giant that had been opening a new store a few towns away. I ended up helping finish putting the shelves in the store and fully stocking it. I stayed at that store for about 4 years straight. Up until I got a promotion to department manager in a bigger store (that the same company owns) a few towns away.

Mean while, while I was working at the store I had help build I ended up wanting some extra money so I got a second job at a local home improvement retail giant that is here in the U.S. I had worked at that company for a few months because it was just a seasonal position for the summer. While working there I had worked my self ragged once again because I had fallen into the same trap I had fallen into before. So after the season was over I was let go of and I got to relax for a little while more, with a little more money in my pocket until I got the urge to go and get a second job once again.

The next job I had was the current one I am working at right now and that I have been working at for the last 2 years, but with a little twist. It was at a local pizzeria company that did buffets, catering, dine in, and carry outs. It was fun working there at first, but eventually the fun had faded away, and I feel into the same trap that I had fallen into before. It resulted in me working my self ragged, and not going anywhere in life, except a one way ticket to burnout town (also known as being burnt out).

Around this time I was really depressed, sad, anxious, unhappy, and very suicidal. I had thought about hanging my self in my bathroom, but luckly something or someone had saved me from doing that. I think that was GOD who had sent one of his Angel's down from heaven to help wake me up from this cold, and messed up dream I had put my self in to ever since I was a kid. I had always thought that the purpose to life was to go to school, get a job, and work and make money and hopefully I would be happy, and successful. But I was wrong. All it had done was make me work hard (too hard) and all that lead me to was depression, anxiety, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, and to have suicidal thoughts. But lucky that was the end of it because GOD had given me the strength to pull out of my old ways and to be able to reflect back on and see why I had gone through those things.

I had gone through those things so I can become a stronger, empathic, kind, beautiful, wonderful, exciting, and loving person who is a survivor. I had gone through those things to make me who I am today, and to help learn why people do those types of things, and to help others to not fall into those same types of traps. I had also gone through those things to be able to become stronger and more intelligent so I can be able to make a good impact on this planet that we call earth, which is our home even though some of us (like me) feel like aliens on this planet.

One of the best things that had helped me learn about my purpose on this planet, and learn about my self was meditation and getting closer to GOD spiritually. I had also done some research that had helped me, and being guided throughout my life eventhough I didn't even know it.

I also learned that life is too short to just sit around and worry about money and materialistic things, and to just work your life away and not enjoy it while you have it because one day you won't have it. So get out there and just live your life to its very best every day that you are living, and just stop worrying (at least as much as possible at the moment).

This is part of my life story but it is not the end of it, because I have a lot more to live and share with the world. My name is Marc Alt and this is a journey into my mind, and into my life and I hope it has helped open your eyes like it had done to me when I had realized it. I am an awakened INFJ (but still awakening everyday) and a Christian that is also spiritual and is willing to help you through your journey in life by telling you more about my lifes journey, and answering your questions.

Feel free to like, comment, follow, and share this blog post and many more that are soon to come with your friends, family, or just someone in need of some help. And feel free to ask questions if you want to. Thank you very much.

~Marc Alt 3/10/2020

[whatiftoday]

#3 What if: I like being a student?

Holiday/Vacation is here. But I can’t help feeling restless, just like always. Mostly because I’m still stressed about work. In the last post, I moaned about the Thursday thing. This is ironic because this Thursday was actually pretty the worst in a long time, if not the worst ever. We had some crazy emergencies going on and the mistake I made on Monday also became worse when the patient actually died. The owner wants to know what the cause was so pretty much everyone is worried about what’s going to be the result of that.  I cried my whole ride home not only because of that, because of the fact that no of my co-workers actually considered my feelings about all of this. This shows the kind of self-centered douchebag I am because they probably felt shit as well. I even asked someone if this could have serious consequences for me, but since it wasn’t only my fault apparently we will take the blame as an organization. 

Nevertheless, I knew I was fucked anyway; since this is totally going to be on my mind the whole holiday. So I decided to re-read (more like relisten) to Mark Manson's ‘how to not give a f’ck’  book. This book tells me exactly what I’m doing wrong. Obviously, I stress a hell of a lot about this job, because I care about it. Having no child or baby wish, being already married, having an own house and doing all pretty well; The job is the only thing to actually worry about. 

Honestly two years ago I didn’t even think I would be good enough for this job. While now I'm constantly questioning if this job is good for me. I already had one mini-burnout, but everyone blames the fact that I quit my meds for that. I wonder sometimes if that was really the reason, but since I started taking them it went sort of good again, so it probably was. I also finally got to shape this job in the way I want it to be; doing less stressful tasks that made me sick and anxiousness and doing more of the task I feel comfortable doing. Doing less of the boring tasks and more interesting complex tasks that challenge me.  I got exactly the thing I wanted, well in how far that is possible at this company. But I still feel bored. 

I miss learning new things. I miss doing tests (probably because my high grades make me feel good about myself). I even miss computer work, even though I swore I never wanted a desk job after I quit law school. I’m worried because I’m afraid I made the wrong choice. I know I didn’t because I really love my job and can’t imagine doing anything else. I just want to do more. And I’m not sure if I want to do more of what I’m actually doing. I think I need to do something else that challenges me again. Challenges me to learn new things; other things.

This mostly got triggered because my wife is going back to school again. And her company is paying for the study.  I can’t stand the fact of how jealous I am of this and I have to be confronted with it every day. But in my job there is no next study you can do; not really. I have been thinking about asking my manager if he has any ideas for what I could do; something that could benefit the company as well maybe. I’ve hinted before I’m quite studious, but I get mostly made fun of because I kept going to a lot of work training. I even went to one abroad; using my holiday days and paying for it myself. 

Chances are he will make fun of me again, but that seems like a risk I'm willing to take. He probably won’t even care; because he’s actually a terrible manager. So I will probably keep searching up studies in secret at night like its porn and nothing will happen because I seriously don’t know what to do anyway. This is quite a depressing view of my future. I’m going to need to work on this; except chances are that maybe he does have a plan for me or an idea. So I have to wait until I have this assessment interview after my holiday. (Which is planned great because now I can worry about this all my vacation). And I really just need some time off from this subject on my mind. 

[indigodice]

START AT THE VERY BEGINNING, A VERY GOOD PLACE TO START

i’ll probably edit this gradually out of this being too much to read in one sitting maybe that means this should be more than one post what a mistake i’ve made its time to iron out some kinks in this blogging thing

For us the beginning was probably in high school. On and off games of Traveller and Shadowrun which weren’t overtly terrible, just unmemorable. I can only remember a handful of moments but they largely weren’t tied to a particular narrative. They were very singular drops in an ocean of wasted time. Maybe they were terrible after all. From early on there was a sense that combat was taking up hours while actual role playing was taking up minutes.

The most memorable thing in Shadowrun was the infiltration of a mansion by circulating rumors of a rave and party supplements. The plan had two parts, a coordinated dispatching of the mansion’s guard and relocation of the guards that hadn’t arrived yet. It was a largely successful, noisy, but bloodless smash-and-grab. We had time for another module which the GM then randomly generated using the random generation rules. We tried to replicate this plan with moderate failure, destroying a wyvern’s eggs then turning in look-alikes.

This form of random generation was most of what we did in Shadowrun, and probably the reason the experiences were unmemorable. We gathered to role play, and ended up wargaming. As things go on we have particular problems separating role playing from wargaming and expression becomes narrowed down to mechanics decisions on our character sheets. Compounding this problem is the lack of even binary choice in the narrative. When Mr. Shadowrun says we have a mission, it’s a single mission instead of a selection, so the extent of our choices are constricted within that predetermination. We’re our character sheets. And that means players rebel. Given our not-a-choice my character convinces another character that its suspicious a Mr. Johnson found our HQ so quickly, so we explode our HQ and have to find work elsewhere.

When Mr. Traveller is pushing us through events, we’re only given what he comes up with to work with, the narrative didn’t care about what our characters cared about. Eventually those games wound down as that groups’ GMs disappeared. We met someone willing to GM consistently, only we weren’t aware of his mental instability. And when we became aware of it, most of us recognized we weren’t equipped to handle such a someone. I didn’t share that thought because I was naive, but luckly I went with the group decision to cut him out and maybe we’re the better for it.

I might have brushed that aside, but that mentally unstable GM hosted an AdvancedDND module, Caverns of Chaos, which was meant to be an introductory look at ADND. During which we added players which the GM accepted in word, then rejected through gameplay. The game was a party and everyone was invited. Our complaints of the game moving slowly were responded to by accelerating rewards through a sentient reward room that responded to our whims. As my whim was suspicion it became a curse room. Our complains of the slow momotonous wargaming became an accelerated wargame where they were revealed by a wizard to be the machinations of a mind flayer. Then the wizard to transported us to another place where our skills were arbitrarily needed. Maybe a day had gone by in the game. But outside, months had gone by.

Then a combination of player drama resulted in the GM’s mental instability reaching a breaking point through rather violent expression. And so the group was reformed. Following that we had a few attempts to salvage that now lost campaign. Each player was given a chance to GM to salvage the game, and eventually we decided on restarting, scrapping the old characters for new ones. We picked up a new system called Pathfinder. Before our first moments role playing we’d looked at 3.5 books and heard Pathfinder was supposed to be better supported. So we began.

This worked for a while, as the new GM brought us though the Crypt of the Everflame. We reached the next town after a few months out of game. Crypt of the Everflame was intended to be a few sessions. The GM was experiencing burnout and never told anyone. From a personal standpoint I resent how that was handled, since it resulted in the group meeting, playing maybe an hour of combat, then everyone splitting off to do something else. Sometimes we wouldn’t be informed until arrival that nothing had been prepared, or that the GM wasn’t feeling up to it. Due to circumstances, this GM reached his own breaking point and was going through a kind of personal transformation, and dropped out of the group.

Those that remained tried to continue on. We hosted more one-shots trying to continue from those Pathfinder characters. After reaching the next town SEPIADICE creates one of my most memorable moments. The town had reached a breaking point because one of the partymembers was hellbent on creating mischief. Another decided the problems within the town were because of their systems of governance and took to trying to rally them against their leadership. The de facto town leader didn’t have the strength of his knights that usually kept the peace. We’d been sent here to retrieve them. He’d been trying to maintain the peace with martial law. And so he banished our party fearing more mischief. My character was infuriated that the de facto leader transgressed a rule of hospitality as he’d been on the road because of his own town’s leadership, and so my character confronts this town’s leader. He was steadfast in his decision since we were outsiders to him. We’d gained entrance because of a squire’s word. The fight first in words comes to blows. Another party member supported me with her magic, and the squire comes to the leadership’s aid. At that moment the fighting stops, and we make our escape.

The casters of the group splinter off, while those that remained travel presumably with the squire to retrieve the knights. The game ends and is never picked up again. We have a round of one-shots and eventually we decide we want a consistent game. We vote on the next GM. Notably I voted against SEPIADICE because the other would be GM was the more experienced, and I was hoping for something sustainable. So she wins four to three. It turns out her game has the same problems all the prior GMs had. Eventually SEPIADICE gets his turn to GM and does an adequate job. And I realize where I wanted to build on the other GM’s experience, she didn’t actually have the potential to change. While the muddle of one-shots never became anything particularly memorable. Sometimes we’d make decisions that felt meaningful, but then the one-shot would end and we wouldn’t get to witness the outcome of those decisions.

If SEPIADICE had continued I’m sure his game would have been enjoyable. As a GM he’d produced most of the memorable moments I enjoyed. But he’d become frustrated because I hadn’t managed to leave the headspace of the character I was playing, and consequently decided on playing that character in his setting. Causing two other players to also choose prior characters that had been there with him. So it became a cascade of insolence that I both didn’t see and didn’t dissuade by not seeing it. The difference was that I had asked and they hadn’t, but the result was the same. Old characters with old ties that didn’t fit the requirement he’d set down for character creation.

From the start of pathfinder up until the very end theres this looming question about what makes unable to role play, or why we’re bad as a group. There are answers ranging from “our group is too big” to “we’re probably just bad” to “its the ruleset we’re using.” Actually I’ve cherrypicked the ones I believe. I don’t remember the rest. From beginning to end our groups tended to be too large which muddled other problems. It was hard to role play because everyone needed some time in the spotlight and it was easy for us to get distracted either by the many bored players. Realistically the GMs shouldn’t have used combat as a crutch to stretch the time we were playing. It wasn’t fun. But it didn’t help that we were playing in a game that revolved around combat and the flow around actual role playing was snuffed out both by needing wait for long stretches of time for anything cohesive to happen. Things got gradually better after the Crypt of the Everflame because players started losing interest. But at the core we didn’t as a group understand what made role playing games good.

They certainly had potential, but most of what we did was wargame, and frankly video games were better for that. We couldn’t tap into what made role playing games good. Except for that moment where SEPIADICE banished our party. That was a damn good moment because that was a man with his back against the wall trying to give himself some more space, only he accidently makes things worse. The conflict they had against each other was not something they could resolve, it wasn’t either of their fault, and they both refused to bend. So they fight. And they fight because they refused to bend, and that’s how violence happens in reality. And so much of the violence in our role playing games has that weird circumstance of oh they show up while you’re travelling so you have to fight now. That’s not giving violence any respect. And any expression during that kind of violence falls flat when there’s nothing tangible at stake. Sure you could die, but you’re not really dying if you don’t have any connections to anything. Dying because you have too much pride feels better than the nothing of a random bear encounter. And to be honest SEPIADICE you should have died when you encountered that bear, instead you bit it and it ran away because the GM thought we would run, but adventurers aren’t reasonable people.

So maybe that’s one of our problems with role playing. Adventurers aren’t reasonable people, they encounter unreasonable things, and are expected to act unreasonably to resolve unreasonable things. Oh god there are so many paragraphs now and why is there only personality at the end who the heck is going to read all of this?

[dicecast]

Rethinking of Star Wars: The Character of Darth Vader

In addition to being the most Iconic character in the whole series, Vader is kind of the emotional core of the movie, despite his being the villain and the antagonist.  When I talk about the original Star Wars being really weird, this is what I mean, who is the emotional core of these films?  You might say its Luke, but the movie is kinda weirdly distant from Luke, we don’t really delve that deeply into his head, the film seems a lot more excited to talk about Han Solo and Leia.  So are they the emotional core?  Well no, because in the third movie they just kinda stop doing stuff after awhile.  Is it the droids?  We are with them throughout the earliest bits of the movie, and their perspective seems to dominate about 50% of a New Hope, but not so much the other movies.   These movies don’t really have an emotional core the way that the first Matrix movie does, or Pirates of the Caribbean do, its more of a spectacle.  Because while these stories are a heroes journey, they are a really distant one (more on that later.

(There are emotional moments but not emotional themes) 

           The exception to this is Vader, who is a constant presence in all three movies, and in fact it is his decision which decides the final conflict.  Rewatch his scenes in the triology, and emotionally the camera is with Vader (except being his first confrontation with Luke), when he chokes the guy mocking his religion, that guy is presented as annoying and you get the anger in the scene.  When he is frustrated and obsessive in the second movie, the movie seems to display it, like the scene where the falcon gets away or when he is in his little life pod. The emotional high point of the third movie is Vader’s core.  Now I’m not saying this is particularly well done, or even deliberately experimental, only that it’s kinda weird considering how this movie is basically the king of main stream.

(pictured, emotions) 

           Vader is also the greatest failings of the prequal series, because Anakin from the original doesn’t resemble Vader at all.   And I don’t mean “oh Anakin is whiney he isn’t dignified” I mean the emotional logic of Vader’s actions doesn’t synth with the prequals.  

(this is more movement that Vader uses than like the entire original trilogy)

        See it’s a fallacy to assume that the only way you can devolve a character is by showing their back story (YOU HEAR THAT MARVEL).  In that blessed glorious time in the golden days before the prequals existed (aka my elementary school), you could look at Vader and try to imagine what made him into this monster.  Because Vader is remarkably well characterized, most of that credit going to his actors, and it is mostly done just through little things, namely his movements. Vader is heavy, he is slow, he is ponderous, all of his movements just feel like this evil glacier in human form is stalking around a space ship*. And this slowness isn’t combined with carefulness or even elegance, Vader feels heavy and brutish, walking straight into reality and just expecting it to get out of his fucking way.  All of this movement direction are tied to two core emotions.  Anger, and exhaustion.

(guess I will move my arm now)

    So I already talked about Vader’s relationship to anger earlier, but summing myself up. There are many different approaches to anger, and Vader’s is not explosive like in the prequels, Vad’ers anger is like a dull constantly burning ember, he is just kinda quitely pissed off all the time, basically moving via his constant hate.  But that doesn’t make him a passionately anger fellow, its burnout, he just occasionally snaps when his overwhelming frustration with everyone around him just kinda makes him at somebody not following the rules.  Its not explosive rage, nor a cold rage, it’s a constant low boiling frustration that has so consumed Vader that he only keeps going out of spite.   I could never picture Vader explosively slaughtering a whole village of people or even dramatically screaming at his mentor, I can see him just making a frustrated scoff and killing everybody in the area out of contempt because they wasted his time.

(Not ever bothering with villain banter, fuck off) 

   The other emotion that defines Vader is exhaustion, especially in the first movie, because is so fucking zoned out in that first movie.   Literally every single interaction he has in that movie except for his duel with Obi One is curt, brusque and dismissive, Leia is like “I defy you” and Vader is like “Yeah what ever, I don’t care move on”.  He stands in Tarkin’s meeting room like an extra prop, he feels so superfluous and barely interacts or move until somebody insults his religion, and even then he is like “oh well I guess I’ll hurt you”.  He is zonked out, and if you think about it, it makes sense.  Vader’s reason for joining the Empire and embracing the Dark Side aren’t clear in the original, but presumably he came out of some sense of believing in something, even if that thing wasn’t good.  Well after decades of atrocities and murdering most of his former friends, Vader has won, the empire is in control and he reigns supreme…and he still isn’t happy.   He is this massive badass and is just...doing his job because its what he does.  

 Based on how eager he is to turn Luke, my personal headcanon was that Vader wanted to remake the Jedi order in his new fascist empire, but the process of making the empire basically wiped it out, and now he is alone in an empire where his own subordinates say his religion is sad and outdated to his fucking face. Whatever goal Vader went into this for, it clearly hasn’t worked out for him, he is basically on rage field auto pilot.  

(phoning it in) 

Compare that to how he behaves in the second movie, Vader has so much fucking energy, he is focused on the task at hand, he is talking to people, it really does feel that for the first time in a decade he has found something worthy living for.  Which brings up something else, Vader always felt old to me, in fact he is referred to as old a few times, but he also just felt like an old exhausted man.  According to the prequals he is basically in his early 40s, which just feels wrong, Vader doesn’t feel like he is having a midlife crisis, he feels like somebody age is catching up to them and they are just sort of realizing how out of place they are.  I always pictured Vader in his early to mid-50s, I mean Obi One was 63 when he played Obi One, though you could believe him being a little older, I thought Vader was like ten years younger, and they had more of a peer relationship, that is what it feels like in their duel, two old men who are the last relic of a conflict which ended over a decade ago.  Vader’s fall to evil never felt to me like a dramatic sudden break, rather it felt like a slow steady loss of humanity over the course of decades, like John McCain.

(I wrote this before he died, I have very mixed feelings)

           And like a man who earnestly held principles to be valuable while betraying all of them simultaneously, Vader never espouses a morality or a philosopher, but he feels like somebody who’s sense of self is founded upon some sense of duty and purpose, even though both have long ago been lost.  He earnestly is deeply religious concerning the force, and in the third movie seems largely ok with the Emperor letting him be killed by Luke in order to cause his son to fall to the dark side (First time I wrote that I wrote Dark Souls and suddenly Star Wars became a lot cooler).  He feels like somebody who does everything he does due to duty, even though its meaning is long past, so the Dark Souls reference I accidentally made wasn’t actually all that off point.  

(an armored man following rules long past their relevance) 

           Actually seriously now, do you know which character Vader reminds me of more than anybody else. Leo McGarry from The West Wing, I mean imagine if Leo McGarry’s master wasn’t Barlet but somebody vile and destructive who encouraged his own anger and frustration, and imagine if he didn’t have a family or friends who could help him alienate his own pain, and he just comes this manifestation of a system that he enacts without understanding it.  

           It’s also interesting to me because Vader is such a Kinetic person, I mean the is basically second in command of the Empire and the main enforcer, why is he flying a Tie fighter around personally?  Can’t he delegate this shit, doesn’t he have like administration or something to deal with? For somebody who is trapped in a robot suit which doesn’t move very much, he is clearly somebody who likes to move around, when I was really little I never really got that he was a cyborg just in how human his movements seemed to be.  I think Darth Vader isn’t somebody who thinks very critically or questions his decisions once his made them, so when all of his life chocies have made him miserable and hollow, he just kinda distracts himself by going to people’s houses and kicking their doors down, cause you know, its active.  

(like, why is he doing this, delegate man, your not commander Shepard) 

           All this combined actually comes together quite nicely at the ending or rather, it is one of the only two character arcs that are complete in Star Wars, Vader changes in each movie.  This is not fantastic story telling by any means, but Vader is the most iconic character for a reason, and his emotional arc is kinda more important than Luke for reasons I will get into later (seriously Luke’s story line is really weird). In the first movie, he is totally burned out, just kinda doing the Empire’s will out of inertia, and is so exhausted he basically on auto-pilot.  The only three scenes where he seems like he is paying attention is when somebody insults his religion, Obi One shows up, and Luke gives him a hard time in the Death Star Trench.  Rest of the time he just phoning it in. 

(weeeeee)

 In the second movie, Vader seems alive, active, mobile, like he actually has something to care about, and it is also freakily obsessive.  I know there is this meme of Vader murdering people at the drop of a hat, but I think that is less Vader and more this particular point in Vader’s life, he doesn’t kill anybody in the first movie, in fact a guy basically feels so confident that he again..insults Vader’s religion to his face. Sure he gets chocked afterwards, but can you imagine anybody doing that in the second movie?  Sometime between New Hope and Empire, Vader seems to have figured out who Luke is and now he has purpose, a goal, turn Luke and remade the Jedi order, since Palpetine seems to not to give a shit, so Vader is heading to that, regardless of how many ships he throws away officers he murders.  And at the climax of Empire he just…kinda retreats back into his depression, and mopes away.  .  

(jump to 10:35, I couldn’t get the whole sequence) 

   And while Jedi doesn’t focus that much on its main story (more on that later), Vader here seems to be totally conflicted even before Luke shows up. He is surely and unfocused, and basically is letting the Emperor take the wheels, except of course the Emperor doesn’t give a shit.  But it isn’t burnout, it’s the realization tht Vader might have to actually you know…consider an alternative possibility.  Before the Prequals corrupt our imagination of the past, the impression I had of Vader was a man who set a goal for himself and basically followed it for decades, even though in the process he kinda destroyed the thing he was trying to protect.  He is basically a hyper lawful person who isn’t creative enough to consider alternative possibilities, and only now with his family involved, does Vader actually thinking larger thoughts rather than immediate goals.  Going back to my thesis that the Force=Emotional Health, then Vader is finally realizing that his way of coping with the world and his emotions isn’t working at all, and he needs to actually choose what he wants.  

(wait...I have autonomy?) 

And even so, it takes him so fucking long to make up his mind at the end, because Vader is a really clannish type of person, he values his “Group” over everybody else, and picking between his master and his son is a hard choice.  And then he dies, movie over.  Honestly, Jedi kinda fails, but it has a pretty good arc for Vader, it’s the story about a fascist who questions “why did I become this?” You know that scene from pan’s Labyrinth where Captain Vidal slices his own reflections throat?  That is basically Vader character arc in a single scene

[rex101111]

Why Candy Coated Fury by Reel Big Fish is the best breakup album ever-a song by song analysis that no one asked for by me

 A few years back my first relationship ended...roughly(not abusive or toxic, just one-sided and unfulfilling, and I broke it off), and a big reason as to why I was able to move on and laugh about it was because I spent the first few months listening to this album non-stop, allow me to go over each song and explain why:

1. Everyone else is an asshole: Okay, so technically this song isn’t about breakups or love or whatever, but it being the first song on the album gets you into the proper mindset.

 People are shit, that facts makes you feel shitty and angry, and you wanna talk about and maybe laugh about it. 

It’s also a super cool song if your just in need of venting some anger on account of someone rubbing you the completely wrong way.

2. Punisher: That’s more like it. Again, not a song specifically about love, but about a person who just can not take a hint and LEAVE. 

Perfect for those ex-partners that just can’t seem to leave you alone even though you have made it clear that it is over. Or maybe towards people who don’t seem to get that they’re not your type and are Not Welcome.

It’s quick, it’s angry, and most importantly, petty as all hell for when you just do not have the strength to be polite about it anymore and decide to be honest about your feelings, very cathartic.

3. She’s not the end of the world: The first proper breakup song, and it’s not angry or spiteful, but regretful as all hell. 

It tells of a guy who’s girlfriend just broke up with him and he is not taking it well at all, he’s talking with his friends (the backing vocals) about it, begging them to put him out of his misery because he just can’t wrap his head around the fact that she’s left him. 

He actively wants his friends to change his mindset about this and convince him that, well, “she’s not the end of the world”. Except that he can’t change how he feels about it, he’s just bummed out and, right now?, she is the end of the world as far as he’s feeling, his friends joining him on the final verse to indulge him in his sorrow in solidarity. Funny, overly dramatic, and heartfelt in a way that makes you wanna sink into your couch and sigh, perfect.

4. Don’t let me down (Gently): Okay so this one is a cover of a song by a band called The Wonder Stuff (I think) so listen to that version too but I still think Reel Big Fish’s cover is super cool.

A couple is on the verge of breaking up, the singer is very well aware of it and has already mostly accepted the eventuality of this relationship not lasting much longer, and just wants his partner to get it over with and get to the point.

A song to hear when a relationship has reached full on burnout and you lack the energy to keep it going, when you don’t want your feelings to be spared and just want both you and your partner to move on with your lives. Bittersweet and sarcastic tinged with resigned acceptance.

5. I Know You Too Well To Like You Anymore: A bit of a curve ball! And my personal favorite song on this album. Not a breakup song, but a love song disguised as an anti-love song!

A once lovey dovey couple has since grown embittered and jaded about each other and their relationship, and have decided to uh...”air their grievances” so to speak. And both sides have plenty to say to each other, letting each other have it with no restraint and no tact whatsoever.

The girlfriend’s possessiveness, the boyfriend’s absurd expectations of her, her violent comments, his lack of maturity, on and on they rant and rave until the very last verse devolves to the both of them firing petty insults at each other back and forth culminating in them shouting “I wish you’d go to hell!”

But...in the end the fact that they still love each other, despite how much they piss each other off, is the thing they lament the most. Because this song isn’t about a couple hating each other, not really, instead it’s about the time after the “honeymoon period” during the start of a new relationship, when it’s truly tested in the face of the annoying habits of your partner that you just can’t ignore anymore, and the mental image in your head of that person breaks apart.

You don’t like them anymore...but now you love them. Ain’t that a kick in the teeth?

6.  Hiding In My Headphones: One of 3 songs on the album that don’t really fit the theme directly in anyway, but is still a pretty cool song.

A short and relaxed Ska/Rap about the singer making the whole world go away when they have their headphones on, a brief escape from the anger and sadness of the previous songs to give you a breather.

7. I Dare You To Break My Heart: Back to business, a straight up Anti-love song.

A guy in a brand new relationship lets his bitterness over past pain get the better of him, he believes that this will end just the same as always, and only tries to enjoy what he can while angrily daring his new partner to try and make him feel something when she leaves.

A distinctive message of sour grapes if I ever heard one, the singer makes all sorts of excuses over how this time won’t be any different, even going so far as to say that, even though he’s enjoying this, he’s resolved not to let this hurt him this time, even if it ends up pushing his partner away.

Self inflicted tragedy hidden under angry bitterness...also super fun to shout along to the chorus while you’re driving.

8. Your Girlfriend Sucks: An outsider perspective this time, and honestly probably the funniest song on the album for my money.

The singer’s friend has an absolutely awful girlfriend, hence the title, and the singer is making it his mission to try and get his friend’s head back on straight before their friendship suffers for it.

It is hilarious start to finish, the singer has no filter whatsoever as he regales his friend with the myriad reasons that his partner is a fucking monster, perfect for when your friend is in a sucky relationship and they don’t see it.

8. Don’t Stop Skankin’: Another song that doesn’t fit the theme and...yeah I got no idea.

It’s a, mostly, instrumental piece that’s just kinda...there. 

It is actually pretty catchy...y’know, for an intermission piece, next!

9. Famous Last Words: And the last song that doesn’t fit the theme! Ah, well, least it’s good.

A singer laments a writer’s block and/or the feeling that he’s reached the end of his rope, creatively speaking.

Another good song to get you in the melancholy mood.

10. Lost Cause: Back on track with this rockin’ song. Sad but oh so catchy.

The singer is in a relationship that’s on the rocks, and he feels like his partner is starting to give up on before him and he feels more than a little helpless, but tries to argue his case any way.

He grows more and more desperate as the songs continues, singing more and more loudly hoping to change his partner’s mind, only to admit at the last moment that “I’m a lost cause.”

Very Cathartic when you feel like you’re the only one who cares and don’t know what to do about it.

11.  I Love/You Suck: In a similar vein to “Know you too well”, but significantly more bitter and less hopeful.

A singer complains about how his once happy relationship has fallen apart and his partner has grown cold and mean spirited. And more than anything he despairs over the fact that he knows he needs to end it, but he just can’t bring himself to do it.

The whole song is him building up the strength to say what he feels without justifying it with a half hearted “I love but”, focusing on how everything went to shit in their relationship, eventually just ending on him repeating the phrase “I think you suck” with what can only be a relived smile as he finally got it off his chest.

For those feeling very conflicted over your partner and need to get your thoughts in order

12. P.S. I Hate You: The most straight up aggressive and angry breakup song on the album, and the most triumphant.

The singer, fresh out of a horrible relationship with someone he just hated, decides to let his ex know exactly how he feels about her and what they were, and how glad he is to finally be rid of her and how awful she made him feel.

The whole song is one giant middle finger to the ex, the singer utterly unapologetic in his anger and makes no bones that, right now, he is more happy and giddy than he has ever been with her.

The last chorus is just the singer belting out his angry and unwavering goodbye, shouting at the top of his lungs as he leaves to start his life anew.

The absolute perfect song to hear after you end a bad relationship with an asshole, treat yourself and scream the chorus at the end with all the pent up anger and frustration your ex had ever given you, you’ll feel loads better after.

13. The Promise: And in sharp contrast to the rest of the album, the previous and first songs especially, the very last thing you hear is a simple and gentle love song.

A new relationship is is blooming, and the singer makes a promise to his partner. He promises that, what ever might happen in the future, what ever bumps there may be on the road, he’ll always try his best to be there and love her as much as he can.

So long as she trusts him and loves him back, that’s it.

He promises to help whenever her temper gets the better of her, to apologize if his own temper escapes him, and to always be a friend to her. It’s tender and vulnerable and adorable.

It might be in conflict with most of the rest of these songs, but its a good one to end on, giving you hope and reminding you that, for all the anger and strife that a relationship can bring, it should always start from someplace good and loving and happy, which I think is a great message to end off on...before you start the album over and sing about how everyone except for you is an asshole 

IN SUMMATION: This album has a great variety of songs looking at the subject of love/relationships/and breakups from all sorts of angles and perspectives, making more likely that you relate to at least one thing on here, and it even has a few outliers to keep you from getting too stuck in your head while you listen.

So yeah buy this album somewhere if you can, it’s great.

[wildflower8281]

Some of the Crazy Shit in #nunlife

I’m trying to understand why I’m feeling so moved to write (again!) about much of this and share it. I think the answer is 3-fold:

1.) To bring awareness to an institution that is little known and that does a few things well, but a buncha things not so greatly. Incase any friends, parents or girls considering religious life ever read this – I have been and am happy to be available to connect and share more. I’ve been doing this for years offline – just sharing the behind the scenes, so as to remove the idealistic view that this order portrays. People be free to make their own decisions, tho!

2.) For me, there is a release and a letting go that happens when I write and share it out. It’s like the energy of it all is no longer lingering in my body and mind. It’s on the laptop and it’s out in the world. While I’ve had lots of pieces of my transition on my tumblr for years and other #nunlife posts on fb before, for some reason I’m feeling moved to write this way and share now, so here I am!

3.) I think my #conventlife is also like a really good book. You can revisit it at various points in your life and see new things, take in new messages, read the nuances even further. It’s pretty fascinating to me, so I enjoy revisiting, looking at parts from new perspectives, and allowing new lessons and wisdoms to appear for me.

(Below, basketball games and birthday celebrations with some of our very favorite youth and families.) 

In my last post, I shared a lot of what life in Spanish Harlem was like, as a missionary sister, living day to day. Pretty basic nun stuff, even if it was new to readers. Here I’m going to follow-up with some events during my 4 years in San Pablo that I have a love/hate relationship with. I love them because I’m pretty sure without them taking place, I may never have left (and leaving has been all things awesome, so!)….and I hate them because they were truly some of the most difficult, exhausting, dark years of my life on all levels. Looking back, I’m pretty confident it was the Universe going: “Here – you are getting the intensive course on burnout…Imma send you a legit crazy (1 definite, a few mas or menos) and make you literally in charge of everything…for 2+ years. Then, you’ll die, want to leave and get on with your life.” 

I think like any people-pleaser, like anyone who can’t say no, like anyone who knows not their own voice – my story is no different, with the exception that I was wearing a bright blue habit and a veil. The rules were a little more dramatic – to say no, was saying no to God….and quitting was quite literally scandalous….but still, same structure. I think we all have our own levels of what drives us to our utter exhaustion and burnout. For me, it was a mentally ill sister and replacing another who left, with little support in either situation. This is not a complete piece about why I left – as ultimately the motivation was much more interior - but more a list of external events and circumstances that led to my utter collapse on all levels.

How To Get Girls to Leave Religious Life in 3 Easy Steps:

·         Make them Superior. Firstly, being the “superior” of nuns older than you both in religious life and real life just felt uncomfortable. Dealing with the Pastor without having any mission experience was also highly uncomfortable, and it didn’t help that he was the most stoic priest ever and only spoke when necessary. It was annoying and scary at first. (After getting to know him over the years, however, that eased up & I learned he was like a really big-hearted Uncle, who had drank the Stoic Koolaid. It’s cool. I admire him for many things still to this day. He has actually since left the order, but is still a priest!) Being sent to Harlem as superior was like this: “Here, be in charge of all operations in this place you’ve never been to, and be in charge of these people who have been here longer than you.” It was just annoying and stressful!!! That’s what I got for being responsible & docile. Of course, I looked to the sisters who had been there longer for most of my answers in those first years. I knew how to be humble, yo! But still – I really didn’t enjoy being the Superior.. Training was joke – barely a week. It’s “the missionary adventure!” they said. “Trust the Holy Spirit!” they said! “Grace will provide!” they said!  #Koolaid, I say, to help the cray go down easier.

·         Send them a Crazy. My 2nd year there, the Provincial Superior decided to send me a “troubled” sister. Due to my “calm and peaceful nature” she thought I could handle this sister and would be a good superior for her and that I should really try to bond with her, so that she would trust me & get better, etc. This sister was notorious for her emotional outbursts & instability and for having been shipped from convent to convent, because of the trouble she caused....

 Long, long story short-ish – she ended up having Borderline Personality Disorder, which we discovered during her stint in Harlem. (Before I go any further, please know I take mental illness very seriously. If there is any circumstance that made me realize it’s a very serious thing, it would be the one I am describing here. It’s no joke, it’s not her fault, but many versions of BPD do require intense programs to really get anywhere. I learned and read a shit-ton about it all, not to mention lived it on a daily basis in a very intimate way. I am in no way here blaming this sister for her antics, as clearly the #ssvm is to blame for not responsibly providing her the care she clearly needed.) She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist and it was recommended by him (note, a doctor who specialized in treating catholic religious….) that she be put into an intensive treatment program – like a 3-4 day a week program. It was also suggested that she go home to Argentina until she was well, or just for good. Well, the order carried out none of the recommendations of the doctors blaming money constraints and also because “the sick are our chalices” – a brainwashy line in our rulebook to make us think it’s virtuous and saintly to care for every member who is sick in any way, and never send them home. Keeping them with us and taking care of them is like making spiritual bank, basically. So, she stayed in our convent for 2+ years, basically causing unrest on a weekly and, often daily basis. Personally, it was emotionally exhausting for me, as I was the person closest to her & obliged always to care for her (the rest of the sisters basically avoided her and walked on egg-shells around her.) If you know anything about this mental illness, you know that it’s the people closest to them that they manipulate, abuse and have a love/hate relationship with. I think I went to more doctors appointments with her in those 2 years, than ever in my life – every specialist of every kind, there was always something. Basically anything to get my attention. Days when she would cry for hours on end, lock herself in the bathroom, bang her head against the wall, threaten suicide, be totally rebellious….and most of these situations, it was just me and her in the convent. Everyone else was out doing their things in the parish, but I was stuck at home, dealing with her. Despite that though, she found a way to piss off, provoke and drive all my sisters crazy. People with this mental illness are very emotionally savvy and know exactly what to say to provoke and push buttons. The sisters fell for it over and over again, until they finally learned & paid her no mind, which is what she could not stand. Same with me. This is how I learned to not engage. It’s been one of the wisest practices of my life & has saved me a lot of bullshit. The provincial superior, no matter how many things I shared with either of them (there were 2 during my 4 years in Harlem,) never did much to actually help me. It took my spiritual director (priest) to ask the provincial superior to remove this sister from our convent, for my sanity. Did I mention that I was sent with her to Argentina to visit a special doctor?! This was the last straw for me. I ended up cutting my part of the trip short, and flew home alone from Buenos Aires to New York, because she was absolutely nuts and if I stayed any longer, I was going to lose my mind. After that trip is when I asked Father to beg to have her removed from my care and from my convent.  It was emotional and mental manipulation at its best by her, who was ill, and then to feel that my own superiors and order would not remove this situation from not only me, who also had anywhere from 3-5 other sisters to be present to, but would not remove the situation from our house, where it affected the peace and happiness of our convent community.  I am positive it was this situation in particular that really began breaking my circuits. One at a time, the breakers were being flicked off. My brain had less and less mental energy to make decisions. I stopped caring about anything…

·         Add Work, Remove Support. My 3rd year there (still with Sister Borderline), one of our mainstay sisters (the bitchy one) had not gotten laid yet, but had to go back to Argentina to help her mother. She ended up staying there for an entire year and no replacement was sent my way for her. I was asked to take over her parish duties, which was basically a full time job. She was the Director of Religious Education of our huge bilingual program – over 400 students, half on Saturday in Spanish, the rest on Sunday in English. It was a huge beast of a job (like in other parishes, is a regular paid FT job) that I was tasked with, with minimal help. The provincial house sent me 1 sister for a few hours a week to help me, but that was it. This job entailed not only weekend classes, but catechist formation classes (teaching adults how to teach and about the faith) and a ton of reception of the Sacraments, like coordinating hundreds of parents, sponsors and students for Baptisms, 1st Communions and Confirmations with the Bishop and all that insanity. I asked for another full time sister – someone who could really take over and was not given any more help than a few hours a week. Plus, I was still the provincial liturgist, having girls visit our convent, and doing all the things I originally had to do in the parish and as a superior. I was relieved of nothing, just tossed a full time job on top. So, at home I was being driven utterly insane (oh, and of course she was jealous that I was at the parish so much more, so of course she would have bouts of emergency illness, random piercing pains, etc, anything to get me to come back home and check her out, give her attention, make an emergency doctor visit, etc.) and at work, I was overloaded, but expected by Father and the parishoners to keep everything status quo. Not to mention the people of the parish obviously had no idea about the stressor of Sister Borderline and Father knew only minimal information and really didn’t care. He needed shit to get done in his parish and he didn’t care about an angry, whiney, emotional nun in the convent who didn’t work in his parish anyway. Nice set up, huh?

I mean – is it no wonder I left, I don’t like responsibility and I don’t like people?

Is it no wonder I can spot the red flags of people’s bullshit a mile away and be like #talktothehand. Peace.

Is it no wonder I aim to keep my lifestyle simple, free and lighthearted?

Is it no wonder I never want my work or job to become my life?

Is it no wonder that I go crazy when I see people who just don’t say no, and let people or organizations bulldoze over them?

Is it no wonder I never want to be in charge of shit, plan events or do someone else’s work?!

 (Below, amazing youth at my farewell party...I was sent to the mission in Avondale, PA in July 2011 to be a regular sister and take a breather. This breather allowed me to realize and accept it was time for me to go home. Story for another day! Far right is now a NYPD!)

So, like I said at the beginning, it’s a love/hate relationship with these aforementioned circumstances. They totally sucked and at the same time, taught me so many lessons and infused me with loads of insight that I use daily. This is why the children, youth and families of Harlem are my absolute faves – in order to escape the stress and heaviness and utter out-of-controlness of my life, I would just go and hang with them. Laugh with them, eat and play with them. They helped ground me, allowed me to breathe and just always loved on me. And they still do to this day.

How interesting that my own religious family would not support me in these circumstances, and does not see me (or many of us who have left) as family even today? Yet the people of San Pablo always did and still do. I have real friendships with the people I met in Harlem, literally to this day. And when I go back to NY, I visit them. And yet, with the exception of 1 human, no one from the ive or the ssvm would consider me family today. #whoislivingthegospel? #irony

I’m not throwing shade….well, ok, maybe I am, ha! Sometimes, shade’s gotta be thrown, yo! #truth