#no i'm not getting medical care for this yet
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୭🧷✧˚. VERITAS CURAT
⋆。°✩ summary: you help patch up Hanno after a fight ⋆。°✩ pairing: lucius verus (hanno) x doctor! gn! reader ⋆。°✩ warnings: ✩ GLADIATOR II SPOILERS ✩ historically inaccurate, needles & injury ⋆。°✩ word count: 457 ⋆。°✩ author note: a bit short but wanted to publish some Lucius x reader
masterlist. & gladiator II masterlist
✩ GLADIATOR II SPOILERS AFTER THE CUT ✩
After winning the fight for the emperors' entertainment, Hanno was set to get treated for his wounds by a doctor under the employment of Thraex. He was taken to a room, like any other. The only difference being two chairs set up in the middle of the room along with a table filled with medical supplies and herbs. "Take a seat." He did as told. "Your hand?"
He gave you his injured hand. You inspected the cut. "You're gonna need this," you handed him a glass of wine. "For the pain." He took your advice and downed the cup. "This is gonna hurt more than the cut," you said as you got the needle and thread ready. "I'm sure it will." You looked at Hanno finally as you took his hand in yours. He nodded, signalling he was ready.
The needle entered his skin and you tried as quickly and tourolly to sow it closed. His other hand was making indents on the chair. He was as still as he could be. "You weren't lying."
"I usually don't," you were almost done with the stitch. The moment you finished, Hanno let you a sigh of relief. "If you plan on anymore stitching up. I'm gonna need some more wine." You obliged his request as you were far from done. It took you an hour to finish all of the stitches and check his condition. You made small talk with Hanno and got to know each other a bit.
When you announced to the guards you finished healing him, he was assured away to Macrinus, you assume. You thought you'd never see him again. Only hear of his achievements in the arena. When you were called to the coliseum, one night. You had never visited, your job required you to be near Thraex's estate at all times, but I guess there were exceptions.
You were shown to Hanno's cell or room? It was more of a cell anyways, with the smallest window imaginable. Barely any light to see what you were doing. At Least they had the courtesy to give you a lantern. "Why did you call for me?" He didn't answer. You did your best, with the limited supplies you brought, to patch him up. You were getting ready to leave but he grabbed your wrist. Pulling you back towards him.
"I'd lost a lot and you were the first person to make me feel something other than rage or sorrow. I care for you, in what way, I am not certain how yet but I wish to see you again." You slowly moved your hand so it was holding his. "Take all the time you need. You know where to find me," with that you left.
Thanks for reading!
#lucius verus x reader#lucius verus#gladiator ii#gladiator 2#gladiator 2 fic#gladiator ll#x reader#x gender neutral reader#x gn reader#x gn y/n#x gender neutral y/n#gladiator movie
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So how do you think Harry's kids got here? Do you think a surrogate was used? Do you think a donor egg and/or sperm was used?
I'm of the opinion a surrogate was used for both kids and that they might not be 100% their biological children. I know some people say Archie looks like August and Lili from her photo when she was one years old is supposed resemble the late Queen at that age. But people often see what they want when deciding who kids look like and kids can look like different people as their faces change.
You could go to any school in multiple countries and find a kid who looks just like Archie and we don't know what Lili looks like because whenever she's been "papped" the person apparently used the worse camera ever and their specially is blurry photos.
More importantly for me the question is why the BRF have played along is it just because they were afraid of being called racist if they said Archie isn't eligible to be in the line of succession? Do they not actually know whether a surrogate was used or do they simply not care?
For Harry and Meghan they should have been open about using a surrogate. They would have received so much support, there would be the conversation about whether people should use surrogates but the majority of the UK would've supported their decision to have a family. Funny thing is it would've made their kids special and got them the attention they wanted. Hiding all the details about the kids has resulted in no one caring about them or having any connection to them.
I would like the truth to be publicly known even it causes problems for the BRF. You won't generally find me defending members of the British aristocracy but if they have to adhere to the succession laws then so should members of the BRF.
I shared my thoughts on this several months ago (sometime between February - May 2024) but I haven't been able to dig that post up. I'll repeat what I said here but I will not be discussing this topic any futher after this gets posted.
What I said several months ago still remains true: Sometimes I think it was a gestational surrogate. Other times I think she really did carry Archie.
On the gestational surrogacy: Their story of Archie's birth, as told via Spare, gives me extraordinary pause because medically, none of what Harry says happened is/was possible. The lack of detail and/or sob story from Meghan also gives me pause. Consider the way she shouted from the mountaintops about her miscarriage in the New York Times. Now consider how silent she's been about her traumatic birth with Archie (according to Harry) or about how California's COVID protocols during her pregnancy with Lili may have affected her mental health. I specifically point out the latter because most of the women I know who were pregnant and/or gave birth between March 2020 - Summer 2021 talked a whole [fork] ton about the COVID protocols in place that made pregnancy an awfully lonely experience. Additionally, Meghan's desire for privacy on these experiences contradict her usual preference to compete with and/or one-up Kate. Since we know Kate had difficult pregnancies, we expect Meghan to either claim she had it worse (which Archie's traumatic birth as described by Harry in Spare definitely is, since KP's reports of the three Cambridge births were "textbook and uneventful") or her pregnancy was so easy, so straightforward, so textbook, so uneventful that she was literally a goddess of pregnancy. But yet Meghan has remained suspiciously silent, even when she's doing her "as the momest mom to ever mom" PR.
On the "Meghan really carried Archie" side: I have a cousin who's as thin as Meghan was pre-Archie, right down to the ankles that could snap. Like Meghan, my cousin's only weight gain during both of her pregnancies was in her belly/baby bump. So I know it's possible for some women to gain no weight but the baby bump. And second, Meghan did gain weight during her third trimester - she was noticeably fuller in her face at the Windsor presentation and had a noticeably fuller body at Trooping and Wimbledon and appeared to struggle losing the weight until spring 2022/Platinum Jubilee. We know that Meghan is incredibly vain to where she wouldn't have gained all that extra weight without good reason - after all, she made Trevor sign a pre-pregnancy contract listing her demands / requirements to get her body back should they have a baby.
Now to your questions:
is why the BRF have played along is it just because they were afraid of being called racist if they said Archie isn't eligible to be in the line of succession? Do they not actually know whether a surrogate was used or do they simply not care?
I've already covered this here. I think you can find it under the surrogacy tag. So I won't go into too much here.
My theory for why the BRF played along is because they didn't know there was a surrogate until it was too late and by then, they were already trapped in the scheme so they had no choice but to go along. Presenting their schemes as faint accompli has been Sussex MO for a very long time, with no one developing a spine until they demanded to commercialize the monarchy.
My theory for why the BRF continues to play along is because Charles is somehow involved and/or implicated and that truth coming out would lead to a scandalously huge lapse in confidence that could only be reconciled by his abdication to William. Charles has waited too long to be top dog to let anything get in his way and I suspect that we'll only find out the truth (or even a partial truth) if Clarence House finds a way to untangle Charles from it.
As I said at the beginning of this post, I won't be discussing this anymore and will not be posting any asks resulting from this. You're free to discuss in comments or reblogs, though.
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Something Personal About Me That Still Somehow Ends Up Being FFXIV Related Because Of Course
So I have osteoarthritis in my neck which presents as moderate-severe spinal stenosis at c4-6 on the left side.
For those who want the tl;dr that's not medical terms, my vertebrae are crushing the nerves coming out of my spinal cord to the left, midway up my neck or so.
This presents in a lot of problems, the most relevant bit to this story is that if my nerves get extra pinched by me holding my neck incorrectly, I get intense dizziness, nausea, extreme sleepiness, and I enter this weird psychosis state where I can't move but hallucinate vividly.
And I ended up with a sleep paralysis demon, which yes is a real thing if you have sleep or psychotic disorders. He was like Gollum if Gollum was super stretched out and had wings. I started calling him Hat Man to the group chat, after the benadryl Hat Man post.
Then my sister said, "lmao he should be Amon if he's the hat man, you'd never be afraid of him"
You can, with effort and meditation, change the appearance of your demon.
...
Anyway sometimes when the pain in my neck makes me want to black out, I start vividly hallucinate Amon of Syrcus Tower, stupid hat and all. He stands by my bed staring at me and I laugh at him.
The End
#no i'm not getting medical care for this yet#my doctor knows but we need to meet up again and discuss specialists and physical therapy#amon#ffxiv
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I TESTED POSITIVE FOR LUPUS ANTIBODIES
#THIS IS AMAZING FUCKING NEWS LIKE IT SUCKS TO HAVE LUPUS BUT I THOUGHT ALL MY SCREENS WERE NEGATIVE#TURNS OUT THEY JUST HADNT PROCESSED ALL OF THE RESULTS YET#I CAN GET REAL EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE AND GET ON MAINTENANCE MEDICATION NOW#the specific antibody is generally either for lupus or mixed connective tissue disease or systemic sclerosis or a combo#my result was 80x the lowest normal range 10x the highest normal range.#because it's not 100% conclusive i'll have to see what diagnosis the rheumatologist gives me but regardless#this means i've tested positive for systemic disease and that steroid treatment makes the most sense regardless of my specific diagnosis#AAAAAAAAAAAA I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA PASS OUT I'M SO EXCITED AND RELIEVED#i've really felt like i'm gonna die. like really really really....#autoimmune tag
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"Me? No," Wade said, shaking his head. "The opposite, actually. I'm bored to death." He realized how that probably sounded to her a moment later. "Not- I didn't mean bored sitting here talkin' to you. I meant with life in general lately. Haven't found any good jobs yet in this city, got nothin' but time on my hands, that sorta thing," he sought to clarify.
He understood what she was getting at with the waffles, and she was right, really. But if his enjoyment was the only reason for something, then lately he just wasn't interested. He really didn't deserve to indulge at present, and he wasn't sure when he was going to finally say he did deserve it.
Everything that had happened to his friends and potential future family wasn't exactly something somebody got over in a shot amount of time. Until he did, he was going to keep right on thinking he didn't deserve to be happy. I got everybody killed. If I'm not gonna join 'em like I should've, the least I can do is live a completely miserable life. Not the greatest logic, but emotionally it made sense to him. "Yeah, I guess," he said unconvincingly, choosing to leave it at that rather that harp on things. This poor woman was probably tired of hearing his bellyaching bullshit.
He thought her reaction to his supposed medical condition not being given proper thought had been a bit... extreme? Had he touched a nerve somewhere? Surely her anger wasn't just out of concern for him, they'd only just met a little while ago. Still, the anger seemed... personal, somehow. Maybe she's been in jail before. If she had, that wasn't any of his business. If she wasn't on his list, then he didn't care what she did or how many years she'd spent in the cage.
He was still thinking about what he'd seen outside with the unfortunate, umbrella-challenged fellow. Again, he was curious and wanted to know what she'd done, what that blue stuff was, how she'd fixed the umbrella so well... but it seemed wrong to ask. She seemed like a very private person and Wade wasn't one to pry into other people's affairs unless he was being paid to do it.
Cutting the stack of napkins that arrived in half and dividing them between her and himself, Wade wasted no time in drying his rather shiny chromedomus before any more rainwater could drip down his nose or from his chin. "I gotta install gutters on this thing. Seriously, everything just rolls right off," he complained, gesturing towards his head.
When she said he'd done the same thing, meaning fixing the umbrella, Wade chuckled. "Nah, I didn't do shit, that was all you," he insisted. "All I did was get myself wet and hold the door on the way back. Hardly medal-worthy conduct."
The soldier bunched herself up under the desk, palms pressed to her ears with enough pressure that she could hear the squeak of her joints. She was trying to block out the noise. The angry shouts as she disobeyed direct orders. When had she entered the office? One minute she'd been searching the aisles...
well,
Shallow breaths
A tap on her shoulder, sending her jolting alongside her racing heart, wide eyes searching for the source- an elderly woman with a light laugh, and an apology for startling her. She was only reaching for the milk
Bright, fluorescent lights
Constant chatter and clanging and beeping that was not, in fact, a heart rate monitor, and was instead the tills as the cashiers scanned various items
Too many options
kind of.
At some point she'd passed the bakery, and a small child in a cart had wheeled by, holding a...
And then she'd found herself in the office. The door was locked from the inside. The desk had the indent of fingers on the edge of it's surface, as though imprinted in wet cement. One of it's legs wiggled like a snake. Both still gleaned with the sweat of her hands.
The manager kept slamming on the door, shouting and raving about calling the police, and company files and trespassing. And yet she was frozen in place. - For Wade, sadiebrin
@sadiebrin
"Donuts or muffins?" Wade muttered to himself as he looked around the bakery section. His head tilted to one side, then the other. "Eh, they each have their good points..."
It was supposed to rain today. Not just rain, thunderstorm. So far, though, the sky had gone dark for a couple hours and it had gotten rather windy, but so far... no rain or thunder. Perfect weather for Wade to do a little shopping during normal human hours without fear of getting too impaired by the sun. He'd felt a mild tingling on his skin when he stepped outside, but... not too bad. And really, he just had to go from his apartment building to his SUV, and then from there into the store. He could do that standing on his head, so... time to shop.
Being a vampire sucked, pun intended. Needing blood all the time was not only unappealing to Wade, but it was massively inconvenient with his schedule and lifestyle. And he refused to give up the foods he loved, even if they did nothing for him nowadays. At least he could eat whatever he wanted without fear of getting fat or developing heart disease, since whatever made him a vampire seemed to regulate his body to keep it in tip-top shape without him having to do much of anything.
His deliberations on exactly what kind of indulgent human food to buy were interrupted by a very distressed woman staggering from near where he was toward the back of the store. Confections could wait. Wade followed her, sensing that something was very wrong. When she went inside an office and slammed the door, Wade stopped and watched as the manager began pounding on the door like a child throwing a tantrum. "Really?" Wade mumbled to himself.
Making his way to the door, Wade laid his hand on the manager's shoulder. "Take a breath, okay? I think she's havin' some kinda problem." The manager was taking too many breaths, as it were, and spouting more boisterous nonsense about how she wasn't allowed in there, and if she didn't come out right this instant he was going to called the cops!
With an irritated smirk, Wade reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet. "Dude, relax, I am the cops," he said, flashing his badge just fast enough for the manager to see something that looked official but not long enough for him to actually read that it only said government licensed bounty hunter on it. It worked, and the manager took a step back from the door. Only one. Wade looked at him like, you gotta be kiddin' me with this bullshit. "Yeah, you wanna gimme some time here, man? I'll handle it, don't worry." With that, the manager huffed and left to deal with an irate woman who couldn't find the type of cheese she wanted and was making it everyone else's problem.
"Hey... miss?" he called through the door. "You okay in there? Need some help?" He was trying to get through to the woman but also sound as non-threatening as he could manage.
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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life with primitive dogs is me everyday asking my pack: will you be governable today? and they go "only if you provide us with payment good enough to exchange our labor for and our standards for that labor payment will change daily. and if we don't want to do it that day? Even for payment? You are out of luck."
#dogblr#dog behavior#what i'm saying is that malamutes are socialists.#they do work for me but it costs me money lmao. as their 'government'#i provide their medical care good diets and fun#and yet they still know how and when they would like to demand what they are owed#like god forbid i don't KNOW that zombie wants to go outside before she goes to the door#she knocks the first time with such distain and sass i am simply of the belief she wants a dog door so she doesn't have to ask#these silly humans for things#(i will NOT get a dog door bc my dogs would 100% dig up poopsicles that have gone unseen during yard cleanup and bring them inside)
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afa;ldf;lakdflk;asdf urgh sorry i've been MIA i unexpectedly got super busy with the grant and my grand rounds and having to pick up shifts for people with emergencies/illnesses/moving PLUS my 'graduation' is tomorrow so i'm all over the place AHHHHH
#... AND fellowship number 2 starts in literally 12 days WHY DONT I HAVE MY SCHEDULE YET#i really REALLY wanted to finish the path to paradise by end of june but honestly i dont think that's happening#the most batshit thing i did on monday is cover for a shift at hospital A from 8am-6pm then cover a shift at hospital B from 8pm to 7am.#and they were both INSANELY busy#the first is just a consult shift so it wasn't too bad#but the second is my icu community shift and GOD#this person coded at 2am and i probably didn't leave her side until at least 5 am#its just INSANE. INSANE that i didn't get called before she coded#like i think the reason all my codes at this hospital get ROSC is because these people would NEVER have coded at the academic one#and this is FAR from the first time this has happened#you. you let this woman. sit on the floor. with BPs in the 70s. for HOW long? you left this OTHER woman completely obtunded on a bipap?!?!?#for DAYS?!?!??!?! WITHOUT TALKING TO THE ICU?! AND ONLY CALLED WHEN THEY GOT HYPOTENSIVE?!#this is horrifying. like legitimately. must be nice to practice shit medicine and when your patient crashes just wipe your hands and let#the icu doc deal with the fallout#i realize i signed up for this#but it always feels crappy when i can't tell families 'yeah no the reason your loved one is dying is probably because they were mismanaged'#and i'm gonna keep it real with you chief. its the racism too#hospital A is in the rich part of the city#hospital B is close to the border with mexico#less densely populated/less desirable areas hire less desirable doctors (all staff really)#its often like 30% people who care about the community#and 70% of people who can't get jobs elsewhere#and the economic disparity even between branches of the SAME HOSPITAL SYSTEM is staggering#healthcare in america is a fucking joke#also. like.#in rich person hospital A monday#got a consult for this guy who is a 'medical mystery'#seen at a bunch of different hospitals by a lot of different doctors#...and i'm 90% sure the way he got his lung disease is by crushing up pain and/or anxiety meds and injecting them#but see the reason no one suspects this. is because he's a wealthy white man
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still thinking about the upsetting npc I had the displeasure of meeting yesterday. fuck the shivering isles
#and fuck the writers and devs who thought it was even remotely okay to make this shit a gimmick#I'm over here with my life path irreparably altered due to mental disorders I've been medicated for since I was eleven#and had for who knows how long before that#and seeing all of my friends who have had an equally shit time. many of whom are disabled by their mental illness#many of whom have received shit from other people and organisations including hospital and police ON TOP of#the shit they were already have to deal with#who have dealt with huge amounts of abuse and stigma stemming in part from horrendous portrayals just like this#who deserve so much love respect and compassion for what they've gone through#and instead it's THIS. I'm playing through a game expecting nothing#and yet they manage to make a character that is a MOCKERY of an issue that is so sensitive to me#that I've struggled with for a long fucking time and that many people I care about have struggled with too#AND GET IT SO FUCKING WRONG#that's what really gets me!!!!!!! the complete disregard for the actual emotions motives and experience associated with it#do five goddamn fucking minutes of research#and you'll see that that's not how it is at all. that's not remotely how it works or why people have that issue#the complete and utter lack of regard compassion or even BASIC RECOGNITION of the people who are affected by this in the day to day is#staggering#I don't know what the fuck else to say. it's horrifying#it's not more horrifying than anything else in this fucking dlc or following this theme in tes as a whole. it's all bad#but this affected me a lot more bc of the nature of the issue they're bastardising.#anyway.#if you read all of this... that's embarrassing for me lol I'm just yelling#but don't worry about me I'm honestly fine. just frustrated#I really didn't expect to be blindsided by something that as I said is a personal issue to me in such an insensitive way#so it exacerbated my feelings about the dlc#but outside of this and when I'm not thinking about it I'm okay#so don't think I'm having a breakdown or anything.#however if you want to commiserate with me about this dlc please fucking do because I'm so full of yelling about it#anyway#fay rants
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Sometimes I feel a little silly bc it feels like I have every problem ever
#Currently my probably RA issues and my probably (mild) scoliosis issues are both causing problems#Note: A doctor has said that it's ''probably scoliosis'' but haven't received proper diagnosis#And for those that don't remember. Currently on the waiting list for the rheumatology clinic#So ig it hasn't been Confirmed that it's RA either but it's at the very least some type of inflammatory arthritis#(But it lines up Very well with RA so. Lmfao. But who knows! There's apparently like over 100 types of arthritis?)#I'm only specifying all this bc I feel bad saying I ''probably'' have both of these things#It's not my fault that the medical system is shit so that despite my efforts I haven't been able to get diagnosed w anything yet#Fun fact. When I went to the doctor abt my back problems. I already said that he said it's ''probably scoliosis'' but like.#He ordered an xray but said we'd only hear back if it was ''bad enough for surgery''. Obviously we didn't hear anything back.#AND THEN. He gave me a print-out of these ''wellness stretches''... That exclusively stretch the upper back#WHEN MY PAIN!! IS IN MY LOWER BACK!!! Because SURPRISE!!! My pain isn't from hunching over!!! QUITE THE OPPOSITE IN FACT#My back curves IN too much. So my lower back is the part that's straining.#I told him this. He even examined my back. He Definitely should've known that my pain was in my lower back. He just didn't care#But yeah anyway lmfao#Iron text
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this is so fucked up that to not feel nauseous i have to feel depressed as fuck
#idk if it's bc of my mood or the weather or the medication but i woke up feeling so sick#and usually my meds don't fuck with me that much but despite having all the things that would usually make me feel better#i'm kinda spiralling out on the train#everything feels a bit unreal and i feel like I'm fading out#something feels wrong in the back of my head and i can barely focus my eyes and everything feels so sluggish#but if i don't take my nausea meds my stomach would eat itself#but idk i think the first few times i hadn't fucked up my hormone levels and chemical signals that much yet#it's the type of stuff people tell you to only take when necessary and idk i think I'm starting to get the side effects#delete later#I'm not gonna run myself over on the tracks. I'm not going to lay down on the tracks. stop being mean to me.#every day I'm grateful for hot ppl to exist and that includes me so.#i am not. gonna break down and crash out and go to that party to get drunk this weekend.#but maybe as a reward. i will hole up in my bed for like. a whole day.#it's so bad bc i need someone to take care of me when I'm doing bad so badly but i don't so I'm just burning out when i push through#i love my friends and they take care of me emotionally and they're fun and provide distractions when i need it#but sometimes i need someone to drag me out of bed and put me in bed and also sleep in the bed with me#it'll pass and I'll be fine after my shift once the meds wear off it's just been a lot of ups and downs and a lot of things happening
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The hardest thing I've ever had to accept about myself is that I am not worthy of being loved by anyone, no matter how hard I try. I'm a categorically unlovable person, and regardless of how much I wish even my own family loved me, they never will, and I just have to learn to live with it. I know my mom loves me, but I don't deserve it for all she's endured and suffered because of me. At least my siblings were wise enough to learn to feel nothing for me and aren't wasting their time with me anymore.
If you have people you truly love in your life, don't take them for granted. Love is a privilege that I will never earn regardless of how much of it I try to give and show, and I'm very sad that my life is going to be as lonely as it's going to be in spite of how hard I tried to cling to the parts of me that my family seemed to like.
It was never enough. I was never enough. I never will be.
Cherish the people you have.
#death can't come soon enough#i'm so tired of losing people#i'm so tired of everything#i spent all night sobbing that i miss my siblings#i just wish they missed me too#my head hurts#i had friends to talk to until one guy verbally attacked me and everyone just let it happen#there's no place for me#there's nowhere safe#there's nowhere#i can't even get the surgery i medically need because i had a panic attack#and the surgeon interpreted that as an impending malpractice suit and canceled my surgery#i've been begging for it for 20 years#and nothing in my life has ever panned out for me#i hate it#i hate this#i hate everything#i miss my brother and sister but they don't love me and won't talk to me anymore#i need people that are actually in my life and not just long distance discord chatrooms#but i'm trapped#i can't go anywhere#i'm hideous and nobody wants to talk to me#i'm just the scum of the fucking earth and i don't know why i can't just die#i can't even get medical care because of a panic attack#fucking hell my life is in ruins and my god still hasn't had the good grace to kill me yet
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I know I sound like a broken record by now: repeating the same things others have said before but I think banality of it all is the point of my post. The fact that I have nothing new to say– not about the genocide in Gaza, not about the dwindling attention of allies, is HORRIFYING.
It has been 11 months of a genocide that the UN calls “war on children”. Malnutrition, diseases, lack of suitable medical care have caused Gazan children to lose their childhood; to lose their lives entirely!
There is no hope left for a future unmarked of pain and my friend Siraj Abudayeh ( @siraj2024 ) , who is father to three sons describes it as a “feeling of oppression”. He laments that his children have been forced away from their schools, hopes and dreams by colonizers and where before there were ambitions to excel in either studies or sports, all they know now is helplessness, fear and anger.
Siraj has told me how his children- Abed, Muhammad and Amir have confessed to their father about how they have begun to feel guilty for surviving at all now ; after having lost so many of their friends to the genocide they are experiencing survivor's guilt and it breaks my heart to hear that. Abed, the eldest son, is ONLY ELEVEN!! Can you imagine an eleven year old feeling guilty because he has managed to survive while his friends haven't ? And what kind of survival it is– Half starving, drinking unclean water, forced into tents where sand mites pester him throughout the day?
I am not sure what happened or why the engagement with fundraisers has dropped so drastically lately but there is nothing more atrocious, more horrible than apathy when children are suffering. It is so strange that we can quote James Baldwin so easily and yet have failed to understand what he meant when he said,
"The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; ...whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality. ”
We have the power that is not afforded to Gazans and therefore it is on us to be attentive no matter how repetitive these posts feel. It is ridiculous and dehumanizing that during a genocide one has to worry about making a post original enough to maintain attention. And yes I know that we won't be able to stop the horrifying banality of Israel’s evil in a day but WE CAN help provide FIVE families that are dependent on this fundraiser with a lifeline during times such as these.
Please we have managed to get this far after struggling for so long, it cannot be that we will fail Siraj when he is so close to the end goal of 82k !!
So DONATE AND BOOST. Find it in yourself to not just reblog but circulate the fundraiser among your colleagues, friends and family. Share it in your whatsapp chats and discord servers. Share it on every other platform that you may have a reach on.
Currently at $72,987 CAD of the short term goal of 75k. We have 2k left to raise by tomorrow.
Vetting at 219
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i know this is the trans website and im preaching to the choir here but there is something to be said about the medical gatekeeping around transition being largely based on the idea that transitioning medically is the risky, dangerous option, while denying that transition to people actively seeking it is safe and harmless. all the medical professionals i've dealt with so far seem to understand the harm that comes to a cis person who mistakenly transitions and makes irreversible changes to their body, but the idea that that same suffering is also experienced by trans people who have not yet been allowed to transition, to a greater degree even, seems basically non existent. a cis person's ideal gendered appearance is treated as a thing inherently worth protecting and maintaining, while that of a trans person is treated as something they deliberately chose to pursue and don't actually need. the harm that comes to a trans person through putting off any sort of medical (and as a consequence, legal) transition is a thing that does not exist to these people. only the harm that comes to people who regret it is deemed worth considering. that's been my experience anyway
#a lot of the fearmongering around transition is also based on the idea that it will make you infertile which...#well first of all without surgery involved generally isnt even true#but also begs the question why these same medical professionals then do not have a problem with castration being a legal requirement#for legal gender recognition#dont transition because it will make you infertile but also if you dont want to be infertile you dont get to transition anyway#fellas im beginning to think maybe all this isn't actually designed with trans people's interests and rights in mind thinking emoji#all medical treatment is a weighing of risks and benefits of all options in the end#and in this situation it seems that the only thing being weighed is the risks of one option#the benefits of it are ignored and the risks of the other option not even acknowledged as a possibility#it's just not a very rational assessment#not to mention how vague the reasoning for denying treatment usually is#so much 'we have to be careful because you have mental health problems' and no specific description of how those problems actually get#in the way#because they fucking don't. they're a symptom of the larger problem i'm seeking treatment for#and yet that connection is just never made#they're treated as completely separate issues because denial of medical treatment could not possibly have negative consequences apparently#this logic is like denying fever medicine until a person stops having a fever
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i was recently denied life-saving gallbladder removal surgery by my GI specialist due to being "too fat" (i'm 300 lbs and very muscular) and "needing to lose 10 -15 pounds and waiting 2 - 3 months in order to get the surgery". i was then signed up for bariatric weight loss surgery before i could get the gallbladder removal despite the gallstone stuck in the neck of the organ as well as the other stones inside of it causing me to be incapable of keeping down food
i ended up getting the surgery done by a local hospital with far better doctors, but the initial denial had me so defeated. if you are fat and have ever been denied important surgeries, life saving or otherwise, because of your weight, i am so sorry and you should never have to face that. most surgeries are not impacted by weight in the slightest. this is usually an issue with the surgeon's skill as a surgeon.
i was told by every other surgeon i met that weight has no bearing on a laparoscopic gallbladder removal surgery. at the other hospital i was also told that anesthesia wouldn't work on me or that i wouldn't survive it. yet again i was told by other surgeons that was also not the case. most surgeons worth their paygrade can do these surgeries after just... trying and learning how to work with fat bodies.
i was told by the surgeons and nurses in the ER that it's ridiculous for the other hospital to behave as though fat people will never need surgery of any kind ever throughout their lives, for one reason or another. it's unrealistic. most people will encounter a potential surgery in their life times, no matter their weight and it's unprofessional to just give up when someone above a certain weight threshold needs help.
my heart goes out to you especially if you're trans, intersex, gnc, and queer and have been denied top surgery or other gender affirming care surgeries because of your weight. this is also medically unethical and done for no reason other than fatphobic transphobic bias. you do not need to lose weight to get top or bottom surgery.
take care of yourself. my heart goes out to you and you don't deserve this treatment at all
#cripple punk#crip punk#cripplepunk#cpunk#disabled#disability culture#chronic pain#actually disabled#chronically chill#disabled culture#cripple posting#cripple problems#punk#punx#trans punx#queer punx#disabled punx
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Gather around, my young friends and fellow dinosaurs, let me tell you about some BULLSHIT no one ever tells you about. I'm talking about menopause and perimenopause. Now, menopause has a very stringent medical definition. You have to not have had a period for exactly 12 months and a day to be considered in menopause. All the bullshit before that day once you start going through The Change is considered perimenopause. Here's some bullshit you might experience that people actually talk about when you're in perimenopause:
- shorter time between periods
- irregular periods
- hot flashes and/or cold flashes
- fucked up sleep
- OMG NIGHT SWEATS
- Vagina as dry as the Sahara desert
- lighter periods and/or endless bleeding like it's The Flood but it's in your pants
- lack of interest in Adult Fun Times
This time of joy can last anywhere from a couple of years to a god damn decade and there's no medical way right now to predict it.
Here's some of the REAL bullshit they don't tell you about but your dinosaur aunt is here to let you know:
- You can start perimenopause in your 30s, don't listen to idiot doctors who tell you you're "too young" because they don't know your body like you do.
- Perimenopause will make you HELLA DUMB. Seriously, I'm talking Bigly broken brain. Brain fog? Check. Short term memory? Wave goodbye to it. Ability to make words form out of thoughts? Yeah, good luck to you.
- Perimenopause can cause horrible fatigue because in addition to losing estrogen, you're also losing testosterone. Oh and that also leads to muscle wasting, cool cool.
- Things might suddenly hurt more because estrogen is known to be neuroprotective.
- If you're super lucky like I am, and like to collect rare illnesses, you might even get Burning Mouth Syndrome 💀
- And meanwhile, while you're going through this bullshit, you'll be getting gaslit by doctors who are operating based on 30 year old debunked data about how HRT causes breast cancer (not really) and that they shouldn't put you on it until you're in actual menopause. (Data shows starting HRT early can potentially prevent Alzheimer's in later years.)
- There are entire online clinics right now (I use Midi Health) focused on providing care for peri and menopausal patients and they will happily prescribe you HRT even if your regular PCP or OBGYN do not (if you meet the criteria). I've been pretty impressed with how holistically they view the patient. For full disclosure, I learned about them from my integrative health doctor and they do not accept Medicare (yet).
I'm 46 years old right now and I've been symptomatic for perimenopause for the last 8 years, although it's gotten the most dramatic in the past 2 years or so, which I hope means I'm almost done, holy hell. Yeah I was on the early side, but if it can happen to me, it can happen to you, so it's never too early to think about these things. And I hope to at least spare some of you the mind-fuckery I've been through because no one told me about most of this stuff, including my own mother who just DOESN'T REMEMBER what happened to her and now I completely understand why. And because I also have a connective tissue disease, I used to just dismiss my pain and fatigue as being caused by that illness rather than the loss of hormones.
Anyways, this is why we need Elders in our lives, so they can do Grandma Story Hour like I just did and validate you when the entire medical field tries to gaslight you. I hope you've found some or all of this educational/useful. Please share with your friends because we really do NOT talk about this stuff enough. (Ewwww Moon Blood!)
Stay well, and don't let the bastards grind you down!
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