#no face cause i looked dumb and also my acne is bad <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

rockin the alex kralie swag today

[owenmodeste]

Day 4: The Beauty Industry

Insecurity about how one looks.

Ever since I was a teenager, I've insecure about the way I look and I believe everyone is like this.

One of my biggest insecurities is my teeth.

Because of my troubled childhood and bad diet as a child, my teeth got very damaged.

Genetically they were not great to begin with, with spacing and such.

But then epigenetically was when the most damage took place, causing cavities and root canals, etc.

At about 25 I got braces put in and cleaned up my diet and now my teeth look much better, not perfect but not as bad as before.

But when I smile, my missing teeth show.

So, I don't want to smile.

I should wear my missing teeth as a badge of honor.

Honor of going through what I went through and I'm still standing willing to talk to 50+ strangers daily.

Regardless of how my smile looks.

Looks or the way one looks is an interesting concept.

Why should it matter? But it does so we comply.

All of these arbitrary human agreements we all tacitly follow.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be insecure about how I look.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dictate a lot of my actions when I was younger to trying to look good aesthetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shape how I should look to others from men's magazines, men with muscles, good-looking faces, tall, etc.

The beauty industry doesn't just work on women, it works on men too.

The unrealistic ideal.

It seems like a feminine point though.

I realize that growing up without a strong male figure and raised by mostly women caused me to be programmed to be more feminine.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see, realize and understand that if we were in the Equal Money System, none of this would even be necessary because we wouldn't judge each other on how each other look and we would also have our children grow up on healthy diets without junk foods that cause teeth issues, acne, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my value on how good I look aesthetically.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to for the most part only start and continue to lift weights because I wanted to look good with big muscles.

One of the things I realized that there were 3 different body types; ectomorph (me), endomorph and mesomorph.

Ectomorph is skinny, endomorph is big/fat and mesomorph is a balanced naturally well-built in between which is like Arnold Schwarzenegger which is what I wanted to be when I learned this but it is irrelevant because even an ectomorph can get pretty bulky.

Only recently did I transcend (trance end) this point of wanting to be a bodybuilder or have the ideal physique.

It's just an industry that makes money off you from buying there weights, supplements, gym passes, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to waste so much time trying to reach this ideal physique idea in my mind from magazines or male models like Frank Zane. I realize that it is just taking advantage of your insecurity of how you look and the justification is that it is healthy but you do not need to have muscles to be healthy, that is a myth. A propped up myth to get you to spend your money on bullshit you don't actually need.

Self-Commitment as Self-Corrective Action

I commit myself to completely let go of this program of the beauty industry within bodybuilding, it's not necessary. It's quite dumb actually.

I commit myself to continue putting my time, effort, focus on what I'm already doing which would actually help young boys more so than anything else, the same help and support I wish I had when I was a young boy without anyone smart around to be a role model.

I commit myself to end the beauty industry with the implementation the Equal Money System.

I commit myself to be a proper strong male role model for all young boys including my future son or sons which is to live in every breath as what is best for all within Equality and Oneness, this is what a real man is, a real man lives in integrity and never falters from his principles, certainly it is not about how big his muscles are or how nice his smile is, these things are superficial and are of the mind and that's not to say you stop showering or brushing your teeth or doing your laundry, always apply common sense in all things at all times, one must look presentable but one must not be completely absorbed within this point and not let it take away from taking action toward creating a world that is best for all!

[jaeyunbaeun]

in between (s.j)

pairing: sim jake x afab!reader

warnings: cheating, angst, talks about being insecure, like no fluff at all !

a/n: so this is my first drabble on here and its nothing special really ! i was listening to 6lack and his songs inspired this little jake drabble. i love love love jake and i don't want to insinuate in any way shape or form he’s a bad person ! also, english is notttt my first language at all so if you see any mistakes please ignore them or tell me in a nice way !! :))

                                                          <3

when you were younger, you always imagined how loving and caring your future boyfriend would be. he would knock on your door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers. he would greet your parents, and they would absolutely adore him. he would put your coat on and you would be going out on your cute little date.

of course, that’s not how things went. 16 year old self you looked at the world through rose-tinted glasses. you weren’t naive per se, it’s just that you would rather see the good in things than the bad.

so when you got your heart shattered by your first love, everything changed. how you wished you’d just stayed away from that man, but you weren’t as strong as you thought you were.

so here you were, in a toxic relationship, if you could even call it a relationship, with your still first love.

you knew jake like the back of your hand and so did he. he even knew you better than you do yourself. that’s why you were still tied in this godforsaken situation.

the day you found out he cheated was the same day you realized that not everything in your life would go as you wished. you’d ball your eyes out and skipped college days in a row because you were so miserable.

everyone around you noticed you weren’t your loud, funny self anymore. day in and out, you asked yourself what went wrong?

was jake getting bored of you? didn’t you satisfy him in the ways he wanted to? were you getting ugly? losing weight? gaining weight? was your acne starting to bother him? maybe your style wasn’t up to par with his anymore?

or maybe he just stopped loving you because you always complained about everything to him. did you talk too much? maybe he didn’t like how your voice sounded anymore. either way, there wasn’t a single moment where you weren’t doubting yourself.

saying that you started getting insecure was an understatement because it was even worse than that.

“please y/n, don’t leave me. it was just a dumb, drunken mistake i wasn’t thinking clearly. i would never hurt you on purpose like that please believe me baby please.”

he was hugging your legs and crying so much, a big wet patch started forming on your grey sweatpants. he was still pleading and crying for you not to leave. all you could do was look at the wall and think about what went down.

did he even know what he had done? did he even know that he caused permanent damage? the old you is probably never coming back.

“jake stand up, don’t make the situation even worse than it already is.” you sighed, it had been 2 weeks after you learned he cheated and you came back to his apartment to get some of your stuff. you never lived together but you practically spent every day at his.

“baby please look at me, you can’t leave me i won’t know how to function without you in my life,” he finally stood up and grabbed your face in his rough hands. jake’s face was blotched from all the crying, eyes completely red, nose sniffling and it sounded like he was having a hard time breathing too.

“jake you cheated on me on your birthday, at the party i organized, do you even know how shameless that is? its one thing to not respect me but to be just downright vile is another thing. do you know how dumb i looked in front of all our friends? i was waiting on you with a birthday cake while you were blowing some random’s girl back out in the bathroom stalls next to us,” you let out a bitter chuckle remembering the whole thing again.

jake getting out of the bathroom, clothes and hair totally disheveled, with a girl in the same state giggling under his arms.

it was a surprise party at his favorite club, he always raved about how much he liked the place so you decided to throw a big party just for him. to keep him busy, he and a friend went out to get some drinks at another bar. of course, the night had a different outcome.

“i never meant for it to happen and i hate myself for it baby, i really do but please forgive me. i will never ever do something like that again. i love you, you know i do right? thats all i’ve ever done in my life please y/n, don’t do this to me.” he kept pleading on, wiping away your tears you didn’t even know were falling.

“you’re just saying words jake, you don’t mean them.” you sniffled. looking in his eyes as he nodded frantically, was he trying to convince you or himself?

“i promise, y/n, on my life, i won’t even look at another woman please just don’t go because i will lose my mind. these last two weeks were hell for me and i’m not saying i’m having a harder time than you but please understand that i’ve been fucked up ever since. you’re the best thing to ever happen in my life so please, please give me another chance. you know i can’t live without you baby.”

you dropped your head on his shoulder and let out a big sigh. when did you become such a pushover? why are you believing pretty but meaningless words? this isn’t how you imagined your relationship with your dream boy would be. little did you know that letting jake back in would be the worst decision of your life.

“okay.”

[coffeecakefanfics]

In the middle | Midsize!FemReader x B.B

A/n: This is for my midsize girls but tbh anyone can read it <3 also requests are open

Warnings: Mentions of Ass throwing, Drinking, Mentions of body insecurities, Mentions of cuts and bruises,18+ themes

Being Midsized is weird. You’re too fat to be skinny but too skinny to be fat, you’re in this weird middle ground where you feel uncomfortable yet sexy at the same time.  You LOVE your big thighs and ass but HATE your tummy, it’s awkward

Y/n suffered from this problem, she had a great set of tits and a decent ass and the CUTEST tummy ever!  The problem though? Finding and outfit for parties, parties like the pool party and hangout that Tony made mandatory for the Avengers.  The sound of laughter shook through the compound as Y/n walked into the indoor pool and hot tub, music was playing and drinks were in hand. 

“There she is!” Nat yelled and held her drink up. A couple people cheered and Y/n bowed playfully. A laugh tumbled from her lips as she grabbed a bottle of a mikes hard, something sweet.  

“Come on get in,” Nat motioned for the girl to get into the hot tub. Y/n swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded. 

“Come on, take it off!” Sam teased. 

“Shut up, I’m getting in” she laughed and tugged at the ties of black cover up. 

“Take it off, take it off!” A couple more people joined in.  The girl laughed and turned with her back to them and let the cover up drop to her waist, playful cheers filled the room now as she dropped the cover up. 

“Daamn mama,” Wanda whistled.

“I know I know,” Y/n played back. It wasn’t Bucky’s fault, he’d blame it on the way that the highwisted black suit cupped her ass, the way her thighs jiggled when she walked, how incredible the view of her breasts were sitting in the top that he let his mind wander to how gorgeous she’d look under him. 

“Bucky?” she voice pulled his mind back

“I think pretty boy might like the view,” Tony chirpped. 

“Tony shut up, leave the kid alone,” Y/n rolled her eyes at the older man. 

“What were you saying?” Bucky felt his cheeks dust

“I was asking if you were going on the mission tomorrow?” her eyes were soft, and innocent, glints of happiness shook through them.

“Yeah, Me, you and Steve are running this one,” he bit his lip.  The night continued on, drinking, laughing, it was almost. . . peaceful, that was until the sex talk started. 

“Come on Y/n how many?” Thor was the one poking now. 

“Ew no i’m not here to get slut shamed,” she laughed and sipped her drink, Bucky’s eyes drifted to how her lips sat so perfectly against the bottle. 

“Don’t be a baby,” He continued pushing. 

“Fine but you can’t laugh,” she shot him a look and he held his hands up in defence, “My body count is 3,” she shrugged and took another sip. 

“You’re lying,” Sam scoffed playfully and sipped his own drink.

“I’m serious, My first was a kid named Damien Salazar in 11th grad, then there was Troy Cash my second year of college and then I had a guy after we broke up that was so bad that I forgot his name,” she shrugged. 

“I really was expecting more,” Thor shrugged himself. 

“That’s hurtful,” she teased, “Even if it was more I wouldn’t be less of a woman for it, no one is,” she spoke stern. 

“No that’s not why we’re curious, you just never talk to us about this stuff,” Wanda noted.

“I mean you club with us and throw ass all the time but we never get to the personal stuff like that, you’re the only one we didn’t know,” Nat slung an arm around the girl, who laid her head on her.

“That’s a fair point,” The girl laughed.

“Question,” Bucky spoke up, “What the fuck is throwing ass?” The laughter after was deafening.

“Oh poor sweet baby Buck,” Sam patted his back before giving a pointed look to the girl across from them.

“Sam Wilson I know damn well you do not expect me to corrupt that poor man,” she shot up from Nats shoulder

“Come on, the man is 106 years old and hasn’t been twerked on, do him a solid. 

“I can’t and won’t have this conversation,” she rolled her eyes and took the last sip of her drink. “I am off to bed, See you two freaks in the morning,” she waved and wrapped a towel around her body. 

The mission went smooth, well except for a few bumps and bruises and a gash to Y/n’s suit, but it went smoothly.  Back at the compound she found herself restless, tossing and turning in bed led her to the kitchen, standing over a pot of coffee waiting for it to brew. 

“Can’t sleep?” The voice made her jump, spinning around to find Bucky standing by the table.

“Jesus Buck, A warning,” she smiled at him.

“Want a cup?” she pointed to the pot behind her.  Bucky simply nodded. 

“Nightmares?” she asked and slid a blue cup across the table to him.

“I don’t have nightmares,” he spoke, taking a sip.

“Okay Bucky,” she dropped it, holding the warm cup in her hands.   It wasn’t nightmares him up it was a feeling of, hate? no that’s not the word, discomfort in his body.  Something he never spoke of was the insecurity of his arm, he hated how the metal felt.  It kept him up sometimes, there was a point in time where he would try to claw it off, the scars are faintly there.

“What’s got you up?” he asked, carefully.

“Personal shit, I don’t need to make it your problem, her words were flat, nothing like how she normally spoke to him. 

“I’m here you know, to talk” his words tumbled, he never knew or was good at opening up.

“You too buck,” She smiled and took a sip.  Bucky studied how she leant against the counter, her her shirt draped her body, loose and hiding her figure, how her shorts were slightly risen up.  He loved her body, he loved how she looked in her suit, it hugged her ass and tits perfectly and outlined her figure, Bucky loved her tummy when he could see it, like when they sparred.

“Earth to Buck,” she was grinning at him. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled and felt a blush creep up his face.

“What’s on your mind?” she had finished her drink and sat the cup in the sink.

“it’s uh- nothing,” he sipped the coffee.

“it’s not nothing because you drifted off, so spill” Bucky felt his head spinning, he couldn’t ask her that, he had too much respect for her.

“My door is open if you need it,” she smiled and let her fingers dance across his shoulder on the way out.  Bucky let out his breath and hung his head. He was so down bad. 

Once every three months shield brings their agents in to spar with the avengers, test them on hand to hand combat.  Y/n was slowly walking around the ring with her hands in defense, everyone stood around watching her and then new initiate.

“Go!” Fury yelled, the initiate jumped at the girl who dodged, tripping her up.  The initiate growled and lunged at Y/n again tossing punch after punch and throwing kicks. Y/n caught the girls foot and used it to pull her down.

“Time!” Fury called again.  Y/n locked eyes with Bucky who smirked at her. Y/n held her hand out to the initiate, the girl took it and smiled at Y/n. 

“Hey you did great, work on your defense a little more and you’ll be perfect” 

“Thank you” the girl smiled and left the ring. 

“Maybe if you lost some weight you’d be too,” a males voice spoke, accidentally too loud.  Y/n’s stomach dropped, feeling sick.  Her shoulders slumped for a second before a fire lit behind her eyes. 

“In the ring now!” she barked.

“Oh shit,” Sam cleared his throat.

“Here we go,” Tony took a deep breath and shook his head.  The young man scoffed and set foot into the ring.

“Go!” Fury called.  The man lunged, prematurely and ended up getting a shoulder to the stomach as Y/n took him down. He hit the ground with a huff.

“Again” he demanded. Y/n cracked her fingers, and held her defense.  The man was agitated, he was bouncing on his feet, rookie mistake.  He threw a couple punches that landed but when his strategy didn’t change Y/n saw the opportunity and sprung loose.  She blocked his punch with her forearm before kicking the back of his knee causing him to tumble, she set her foot on his throat, not putting any pressure, just to freak the kid out. 

“Listen up, I worked my fucking ass off to be in the place that I am in today, you’re all here to do the same, every one of you was seen as better than your peers.  With that being said does anyone else have any more dumb shit to say?” Her voice was sharp, thick, heavy.  The initiates eyes were trained on the ground, some were shifting, the energy in the room shifted and was uncomfortable.  Y/n jumped out of the ring and grabbed her bag, letting the gym door slam behind her. The team looked at each other with almost pity for the girl. 

“Nat, you’re in” Tony spoke calmly, trying to return the air.

“You fucked up kid,” He half sneered at the initiate who fumbled down the steps.

“I’ll go check on her,” Bucky mumbled to Sam.

“Let her cool off a bit man, she’s hurt,” Sam offered.  Bucky shook his head and left the gym. 

The door to her room was in fact unlocked, but Bucky still knocked before entering, waiting for her voice to speak.

“Come in” She had her back to him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

“I just wanted to check on you, I’m sorry I’ll-”

“No, no it’s okay. Thank you, it means a lot,” she smiled at him sadly.  His heart broke at the sight of her. 

“Look about what that kid said, he doesn’t know shit,” Bucky spoke carefully, he was trying to tread lightly.  She sat on the edge of her bed and let her head fall into her hands. 

“He’s right, I mean i’m in the gym 6 days a week and i’m lifting weights for 5.  But no matter what I do i’m still in this awful middle ground of being too fat but also ‘skinny’ and I fucking hate it. I hate my body and how it looks and I constantly feel like I stick out on the team,” the tears had started again.  Bucky sat on his knees infront of her. 

“Well fuck them,” he tilted her chin up.

“So what if you’re not tiny? You are still stronger than hell, you have such an amazing body, I mean you have the prettiest thighs i’ve ever seen, you have a nice rack and you have the best stomach,” Bucky smiled at her. She shook her head and wound her arms around yourself. 

“You are fucking beautiful, every inch of you.  Your acne, your stretch marks, your freckles, everything you hate about yourself I find, and this is going to make me sound gross but I find it sexy Y/n.  You’re not going to be everybodys type but sure as shit you’re mine” Y/n bit back the smile that was threatening to break through.

“Even my tummy?” she tried, playful

“Especially your tummy, you kidding?” he grinned and pushed her hair back, holding her cheek. “You are beautiful,” he spoke, barely above a whisper before connecting their lips. Y/n froze at first, unsure of if he was sincere or messing with her. He pulled away

“I’m sorry I should have asked,” he stammered and started to move away.

“No, I liked it” Y/n nodded and kissed him. 

[delcat177]

Text in captions, if that won’t read on text to voice please let me know <3

This is a half-year old, but I only paid Blobs Magician to help me out once and I’m fresh out of delicately painted acorns and he gave me commission rights so I’ll be tipping him a ziploc bag of goldfish later

I feel awkward writing about all of this--there was a bit of jealousy when I got my hyst (not projecting, I was told flat by a trans friend), and I worry that I may be making other people feel alone, anxious, or less-than in their gender by talking about it.  If you feel that at all, please, stop right now.  Don’t look in the mirror, because mirrors are scary. Like, really scary, they have ghosts or stuff probably, but also in the genders sense, so instead, look in your head.   Look at your self.  It’s in there, because it is you.  What is happening to me now is a shell upgrade, a hermit crab moving domiciles.  I was a boy once, then a young man, then a oldman, and now I’m a oldman with a society man shell.  Never mistake the shell for the crab, go “hey crab, I like your shell, I hope you find the perfect shell, because you are the perfect inhabitant” and celebrate that crab.  Because we are all crabs, and we are all beautiful, and we all deserve the shells that reflect us as individuals, and anyone who says otherwise can fuck off into a spiny urchin bush and not have a shell.  Or.  Something.  Did I say I felt awkward?  I AM awkward.  But anyway, drive-in movie totals and such after cut, potential TMI, and protect yourself love yourself, you lovely crabs <333

 (with cut ‘cause longtext is looong)

(ORIGINAL POST)

Alt-text: I'm always the last one to know

so uh

I'm a blithe idiot and somehow never processed or dared to dream that this was possible

which makes the timeline look SPECTACULARLY dumb but I was going through SO MANY LIFESTYLE CHANGES

HYST DATE: SEPTEMBER 28, 2016

2017: Me: Man, living in the townhouse has really amped up my leg game, all that up and down stairs.

Me: I'm down ten pounds since the hyst! Megan: That's probably your natural weight. Me: That or getting there.  Not surprising, I'm not feeding the beast constantly.

Me: *punches Megan playfully in the arm* Megan: OW goddammit Del that hurt like SHIT! Me: oh my God I'm sorry I didn't mean to! Megan: It's okay, just be careful! Me: That's so weird I'm sorry D8

Me: man is it just me or am I good in bed lately? oh right I'm the only one here...I guess it's because I'm more confident?

Me: ghghjh my hair's thinning out at the temples, well been expecting that one for awhile, at least it waited for 30

2018:

Me: Holy shit, the stairs plus the shopping is paying off!  My thighs are HUGE!  I wonder if cracking a watermelon with these bad boys is hyperbole.  I bet I could though.  I BET.

Me: Down to 162 and holding, fuck you past doctors!  I just needed ENERGY goddammit!

Me: Wow, I've lost a lot of weight from my face especially.  That makes me super happy.  Anyway better pluck these stray hairs.  ...have I been yanking these more lately?  Getting old is weird.

Me: (struggling with shorts) Megan: Do you need a belt? Me: I'M WEARING A BELT (lifts shirt to reveal belt double wrapped around hips) Megan: Well then Me: I just need to buy new shorts, my ass is just GONE Megan: In the meantime maybe pay attention to what underwear you have on Me: yeah thank God for boxers

Me: My acne scars are heck of acting up.  I wish I hadn't picked at my face so much as a kid, I guess the pores are just kinda fucked, I've read about that happening.

2019:

Megan: New shorts look good Me: I am so bad at shopping Megan: At least you have them now Me: I'm an assless chap is all Megan: Go to bed Del Me: It's four in the afternoon

Me: My throat feels so *thick* lately.  I haven't been hitting the vape that often, why does it feel weird?  And why am I noticing my own voice more?  I NEVER notice my own voice, I make a point of it.  Am I subconsciously pitching it lower like I used to do talking on Skype because I'm more socially active?  What is my brain I'm so AWKWARD Me: UGH I'm falling back into derma habits, I haven't picked in my face in years, I think I need to change cleansers.  But...my face looks...good?  I guess I had this hiding under that baby fat all these years.  ...I guess? Me: Am I getting a hump from my bad computer posture?  Shit. Me: Oh no, it's not a hump, my shoulders are starting to put on muscle!  That's a relief.  That must be from the...laundry?  Carrying...laundry?

AUGUST 5, 2019: Me: (lying in bed) 2 + 2

Me: wait why am I putting on shoulder muscle now?  I've been doing laundry for years, and it's never done that.  And my legs didn't get this buff with a routine job where I was walking three hours a d--

Me:

AUGUST 14, 2019:

New Endocrinologist: We'll test your levels to make sure it isn't a pituitary gland issue or (some syndrome I've already forgotten the name of), and it could be because there's some small element of testosterone in the estrogen replacement, but the brain does produce androgens.  We can definitely look into switching you to T if you want, but if it's facial hair you're worried about...well, once the follicle is there, it's there.  These are irreversible changes.

Me: No on that then but irreversible,, like,, what I have now,, is forever,,,,,,,?

New Endocrinologist: Forever, and I would expect to continue to see muscle gains if you work out.

Me:

welcome to my second puberty please be aware it apparently involves as many mood swings as the first one but i'm tryin'

Since then, it’s been continuing confirm, confirm, confirm. 

My acne turned out to be little follicles growing in odd places--not fullblown hair, just enough to irritate the skin while it was developing. Tiny tufts of 1-3 entirely white, downy hairs have popped up in a few places on my breasts.  The real fuzz proliferation has been in the southern quarters--with all delicacy, there is no itch like the itch of hair beginning to grow anywhere sweat can proliferate, and I now understand why cis men scratch privates in public.  Having NOT gone through a unified social experience with a peer group accepting of such measures, I am sure there is footage on grocery store cams of someone with an agonized expression walking like he has a weasel down his pants and worrying that 30 is early for hemorrhoids.  Both have settled in for the most part, leaving me with a very fluffy, barely-there peach fuzz mustache that’s only noticeable in the right light, some spare hairs across my chin and neck that I keep in order, and a profound relief that I prefer boy shorts and swim trunks.

I went through a few weeks of being especially rank despite all the showering and was worried that was my new normal, but apparently T sweats be like that, and I’m back to smelling like...whatever I smell like, probably lavender with our fabric softener.  I experienced what I believed was a relapse a month later that turned out to be a false positive--specifically, our thermostat was slowly dying and frog-boiling us until it got hot enough that my sister also went “dear God it is a sauna in here”, leading to replacement of the faulty element and another notch in the “my life is dumb” bedpost.

My face bonebs, which I frankly expected the least out of (when I wasn’t expecting at all), have slowly but surely been rearranging, a visual effect doubled by the much faster redistribution of fat.  I honestly have no idea how this one works.  I know more about dead bonebs than live ones.  I would doubt it if I didn’t have pictures to back it up.  I would say it’s easier to look in the mirror now, but I already stated my opinion on mirrors, do it too much and a skeleton will pop out.  It WILL.  My brain tells me this and it is never wrong about fears and or phobias.  Don’t do it kids.

If there’s been a single most beautiful moment so far, it’s been getting back into Steven Universe after a long hiatus, opening my mouth to sing the opening like I did years ago, and realizing all at once that I was singing falsetto.  I ran it back, dropped a register, and the first names I sang became those who would believe in me most.  There were tears, and later, showing it off, there were fierce hugs.  (Yes, the first ep I watched once I realized was Stevonnie, and YES GARNET GOING “GO HAVE FUN” wah)

I can’t begin to express the validation--I am no gender essentialist’s data point, this is MY experience and no one else’s, but I keep going “my aunt had a hyst and didn’t transition and I had one and I am because my brain makes androgens my brain makes androgens MY BRAIN MAKES ANDROGENS IT HAS BEEN MAKING ANDROGENS ALL THIS TIME IT HAS BEEN TRYING” and living in that, living in “not even SCIENCE is against me”, which is a tremendous thing as a scientist.  (As a scientist, I would be a blithering dullard to claim this is the only thing that affects or proves my gender, and I do not.  Again, TERFs fuck off.  This is simply a very validating thing to me, personally, in my experience.  I’m not thrilled that I have to underline that this hard dammit internet.)

What lies ahead is...I don’t know!  I thought I was done changing, but the post I saw that nudged me to finally do this on here went “you may stop being able to cry for awhile” and this is Important because I have been trying to figure out if I have Sjogren’s but apparently I have androgens which is slightly easier to pronounce.  I’m not sure how I feel about that, because transitioning is a lot of “I’m not sure how I feel about this” and then things being okay.  I would definitely say that the more I learn, the easier it is to feel steady and normal, which is important because the mood swings have been REAL.  This is more than I asked for or bargained for, but I still only have one regret, and that’s that my hyst scars are just slightly asymmetrical and it Bothers Me, but even that is growing on me.

I don’t know how to end this post.  I love you all to death, and I hope if you’re seeking transition, you find it and twenty dollars, and if you’re not seeking transition, you still find twenty dollars.  Thank you so much for you and all you do and are.  Remember--you are great!

Unless you’re truscum.  Then this post isn’t for you (dammit Internet) and you can fall off a boardwalk onto a dead fish.  Have fun with that!

hekk

[stephfights]

First post...waiting for my fate

You have a lump.  Wait, what?  My entire life was about to change.  But let me back up and tell you what has led me to this point.  At 38 years old I have been relatively healthy my whole life.  Mean as a snake, country as cornbread and loyal to a fault....that’s me.  But not sick.  I married my soulmate, Chris, in 2003 and had our son (my angel), Clayton, in 2007.  I was a stay at home mom for the first 8 years of Clayton’s life.  I then decided it was time for me to get out of the house and I have now been working at Kroger for over 4 years.  I have a wonderful family, the BEST friends ever and the most awesome customers anyone could ask for. 

In the last couple of years my hair seems to be thinning more that it always has.  I am always hot...not warm....HOT!  I sweat uncontrollably...mostly from my head/face/neck by just doing simple tasks.  I don’t sleep well.  I have gained quite a bit of weight that will not go away.  And I have more acne now than I ever had in high school!  But...I am that person....that person who doesn’t really care for doctors and thinks nothing bad will ever happen to them.  I am the strong one.  I take care of everyone else.  I guess that is what has gotten me to where I am today.  I have spent so many years taking care of everyone else that I put myself on the back burner.

Fast forward to May 2019.  I wake up with a horrible case of vertigo.  Drunk as pet monkey and vomiting I go to the local family physician’s office that I have been going to for 5 years (only for small things like the flu)  Of course...there was a new nurse practitioner.  This was about the 5th different one in the last 3 years.  He started asking me questions about my medical history...and wanted to know why I hadn’t had a well care check up in years.  I told him I didn’t have time...and I didn’t really see the point. At this time my husband shows up at the office.  He has left work because he thinks his wife, who never gets sick, must be on her last leg.  He made me promise before I left that I would come back and have that visit.  Then he lectured me about smoking.  That’s right, I have been a cigarette smoker for 22 years.  I smiled and thanked him and went on my way.

Over the summer Chris starts riding my ass about my promise to the NP to have a well care check up.  He then proceeds to tell my best friend, Amber, who also rides my ass.  After getting tired of listening to them I finally agree just to get them to shut up!

August 2019.  I go for my well care visit.  I decide if I’m going to do this I might as well tell him every little thing that I think is “wrong” with me.  I have had a large thyroid for many years (thanks Dad) but never had any problems with it.  I haven’t had a thyroid ultrasound or blood work in 10 years.  He thinks that may be the cause of some of the symptoms I am having.  So I agree to do both.  The blood work comes back perfectly normal.  The ultrasound shows a goiter and 2 small cysts.  No big deal really.  He didn’t do anything else.  He doesn’t do pap smears or breast exams.  So I think I am home free!  But he wants me to see a specialist.  Just to see what they think.  I am referred by one of my customers to an Endochronologist at Vanderbilt.  Of course I can’t get in until November 4th.  I was pissed but what could I do.  I wanted to see the best.

November 4th comes.  Chris takes off work to go with me.  I have to admit...I was SO nervous.  I don’t know why.  I just don’t like doctors.  After self diagnosing on the internet (don’t EVER do that)  I was convinced I had a brain tumor.  Dr. Craig Sussman comes in and is the nicest man I have ever met.  Like Mr. Rogers nice.  I was totally at ease.  He asked about a million questions and answered any questions I had.  He wants to do an exam from the waste up.  I’m like okay...whatever floats your boat.  So I put on a lovely (enter sarcasm) gown and he comes back in to do a breast and thyroid exam.  Right breast...all good.  Left breast....he finds a lump.  I couldn’t believe it!  I made him show me where it was.  Then he showed Chris where it was.  Damn, it was large!  Where did that come from and how did we miss that?  Even though I had not been to a female doctor in about 8 years I still did a self breast exam.  A lot of times at night while I was laying in bed watching TV.  Dr. S then does a thyroid exam but doesn’t really feel anything worrisome.  I can tell his worry is about that lump.  He wants to schedule a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound.  Of course...he tells me it is probably a cyst.  I still had a super uneasy feeling.  My mom has had several breast cysts and I think maybe I have inherited it from her.  So I schedule the tests....and wait for 2 weeks until that appointment.

November 18th.  I have dreaded this for 2 weeks.  I have heard all of the horror stories about how horrible and painful a mammogram is.  I do not like pain...in fact...I’m kind of a wuss.  I ask Chris what if the scans do show something.  But he doesn’t really want to think about that.  I am hoping he can come back with me for the tests....of course they will not let him.  I am literally shivering with tears in my eyes waiting for my mamm.  The tech, Jessica, is so wonderful.  She tries to calm my nerves and gets me in position for the first picture.  Beep...that’s it?  Yep....a mammogram is nothing.  I thought they were going to try to squeeze my boobies as flat as a pancake.  I knew that wasn’t going to work!  But it is literally as easy as an xray.  Jessica laughs and we go on and finish all of the scans.  You have to have a lot more pictures with a diagnostic mammogram as opposed to a screening mammogram.  Then onto the ultrasound.  It’s your typical u/s with the sticky gel and them pushing on you with the little flat scope.  I watch as she measures and pauses.  Then she goes up into my arm pit.  I’m thinking hey...I know my boobs are not perky anymore and they ain’t way up there, but I let her do what she’s doing.  Trying not focus on the weird position she has me in and the cramp that is developing in my shoulder.  She then goes and gets the radiologist.  I know something must be up...but maybe it’s just my fat non perky boobs not cooperating.  She pushes and pauses, pushes and pauses and they whisper back and forth.  Telling me that they are just looking for certain things.  After they finally get done...they ask if my husband is with me.  They are going to give me my results today.  Yippee...I don’t have to wait another flipping week and worry about this!  They go get him and put us in a little room and I tell him that it was “easy peasy” and I don’t know why I was so worked up over it.  We sit there and laugh about how dumb I was and how crazy I had been leading up to this appointment.  Then the radiologist comes in.  I swear she must be some kind of angel.  Her name is Dr. Sara Harvey.  She is sweet, kind and gentle.  She sits down, looks me in the eye, and says you do have a mass and it is solid.  Solid?  Cysts aren’t solid?  She continues with you need a biopsy ASAP.  Do they biopsy cysts?  Nothing is making any sense.   I look up at her and ask is it cancer.  She says yes...I am 90% sure it is.  At this moment my whole world changes.  I can’t look at my husband.  I can’t look at her.  I can only look at the ground and think wow, so this is how I’m going to die.  Chris takes over and asks if we can do the biopsy that day.  She leaves the room to go see what can be done.  As she walks out and the door clicks shut I lose it.  I am sobbing uncontrollably.  Begging my husband to tell me what I am suppose to do now.  He has no words.  He just holds me.  Dr. Harvey comes back in and says the biopsy can be done at 1:30 that afternoon....or the following Monday.  Again, I can’t speak.  So Chris tells her we are going to do it that day.  I finally find my voice and ask her who would be doing the procedure.  She says there are a number of radiologist who can do it.  I don’t want them.  I want her.  I don’t know why but I feel this weird connection with her.  She tells me if I want her to do it then she will change her schedule around and do it.  We leave the office and have an hour and half to wait before I have to go back for the biopsies.  I can’t eat, I can’t think, I can only sit and cry.  Chris starts making phone calls.  To my dad so he can pick up Clayton from school.  To my best friend, who is absolutely beside her self.  To my boss, who is not only my boss but a wonderful friend.  To my brother, who lives 9 hours away.

That was the shortest hour and a half in my life.  As I said before, I do not like pain.  But I REALLY do not like needles!  I have no tattoos, I refuse to take shots, IV’s send me into a panic attack.  But I know I am fixing to have a huge needle suck in my left breast.  And again my husband cannot go back with me.  I have to do this by myself.  I am taken back to a room and the nurse goes over exactly what they are going to do and any complications that could arise after.  Dr. Harvey comes in....and wraps me in a big hug.  I cry and cry.  And she just keeps on hugging me.  I lay down on a gurney and they put a warm blanket on me.  Dr. Harvey explains that she will tell me every little thing she is doing before she does it.  First things first is another ultrasound the see exactly where she wants to start.  Then it’s time to numb me up.  I have expressed my fear of needles and they both tell me how great I am doing.  She says it will be a little bee sting and BAM....that is one big ass bee!  I’m not going to lie and tell you that it didn’t hurt....because it did.  But it slowly became numb.  Then BAM....there’s that damn big ass bee again.  She continues over and over until she thinks we are good.  Here comes the biopsy needle.  Which I learn is a core biopsy so it is a much larger needle.  It is so large that she has to cut a slit in my breast with a scalpel to insert it.  She puts it in and it doesn’t really hurt.  It doesn’t feel good but it is tolerable.  She tells me I will hear a click....CLICK....she’s got it.  I am thinking that I am so glad this is over.  Then she tells me that she needs more.  She wants to make sure she has enough so there are no questions later.  I tell her to get extra.  I do not want to do this again!  Click, click.  Okay I’m going to make it.  When she inserts the needle for #4 I feel a sharp stab.  Seems she has to go very deep for this one.  So more numbing meds for me.  Click, click.  She ends up doing 5 total biopsies.  They are telling me how proud they are of me and how strong I am.  I don’t feel very strong.  In fact I feel like I have been beat down.  Both emotionally and physically.  I will get the results in 2-4 business days.  So guess what....more waiting.

Chris stays home with me on Tuesday to make sure I am okay.  My mom comes down and stays with me Wednesday and Thursday.  And we sit and wait.  Every time the phone rings I am looking at the caller ID wondering if this will be the call.  At 2:45 my mom leaves to go pick up Clayton at school.  At 2:48 the phone rings.  It is the call I have been waiting for and I am here by myself.  The lady on the phone must be a saint.  There is no way I could do her job.  “Mrs. Preston I am so sorry to tell you that your biopsies have come back and it is malignant.  You do have cancer”  And just like that.  I am now a cancer patient.  I start trying to ask questions but she doesn’t know any more details.  I am set up with an appt on November 26 with an oncology surgeon and a medical oncologist.  Wow, I get 2 specialist.  She tells me I will find out exactly what type of cancer I have and what stage it is at those appointments.  So once again....we wait.

The worst part of this was having to tell my 12 year old son.  The first thing he said was “But Mom I don’t want you to die”  Yeah...try not to cry after that!

It is a very weird feeling waiting to see if you are going to live or die.  Can this be treated or are they going to give me a certain amount of time to do the things I have always wanted to do?  I do know that I am a fighter.  I have went thru being scared and sad...and now I am just pissed off!  Breast cancer will not beat me!  I have to watch my son grow up!  I can’t kick the bucket and have my husband bring some hoe up in my house!  My parents are not going to have to bury a child!  And my brother will not be an only child!

I am ready for the news tomorrow.  Let’s get going on get this done so I can get on with my life!  Cancer can kiss my ass!

Love to all,

Stephanie Preston

[petalsbloomed-a]

VERY LONG  CHARACTER  SURVEY !! RULES.  repost ,   don’t  reblog  !    tag  10  ! good  luck  ! TAGGED.  stolen !!! TAGGING. anyone who wants to do this tbh cuz this is long as shit and i dont want anyone to do this who might not be able to aljdhfskjdhkj

BASICS. FULL  NAME : galo thymos NICKNAME : himbo, idiot, rookie, newbie, #1 firefighting idiot AGE : 21 BIRTHDAY : june 30 ETHNIC  GROUP : japanese (+ korean / western european) NATIONALITY : american LANGUAGE / S : english / japanese / studied french and spanish SEXUAL  ORIENTATION : demisexual ROMANTIC  ORIENTATION : biromantic RELATIONSHIP  STATUS : single HOME  TOWN / AREA : promeopolis (i envision this being around nyc / tri-state area) CURRENT  HOME : lives with older sister and niece PROFESSION : firefighter, undergraduate student

PHYSICAL. SKIN : pretty fair tan, but he sometimes appears a little darker than usual. his skin does a strange thing where it changes shade in different lighting. his skin is usually smooth, but right after getting finished with work, he sometimes is covered in dust and appears somewhat dried out. EYES : slightly upturned, deep-set, wide and somewhat of an almond shape. irises are usually very round, and are a bluish-cyan color. pupils often alight with mischief. in intense lighting, you can see a little red dot reflecting off his eyes. LIPS : pretty thin and nude, hard to notice. matches his skin tone very well. usually quite smooth. tends to get chapped after working. COMPLEXION : pretty fair, but in different lighting, he can look a lot tanner than what he really is. BLEMISHES : he has a few moles here and there, but overall his skin is fairly clear and clean. he doesn’t suffer from acne nearly as much as he did when he was in grade school. SCARS : he has some tiny, barely noticeable acne scars on his face, chin, and neck. the most noticeable ones are on his left arm from when he was practically set alight by a burnish flame. these are thick and quote coarse, and can cause some discomfort when touched. he also has a very small nick in his left ear, which was how his sister identified him when he found her after being separated from their family after the burnish incident when he was a kid. TATTOOS : an arrow that goes right below the nape of his neck to the middle of his back. the point is at about the small of his back, and there are a few decorations along the arrow. HEIGHT : 6′0, 183 cm WEIGHT : 165 lbs, ~75 kg BUILD : very muscular, quite athletic. very beefy arms, strong chest, well-built abdominals. however, his thighs and waist are pretty thin and trim. FEATURES : his most distinct features are his dramatic haircut and scars on his left arm, as well as the small white line on the outer helix of his left ear. his chest and shoulders are also quite broad in comparison to his rather thin waist. ALLERGIES : slight peanut allergy, dust, pollen. USUAL  HAIR  STYLE : undercut with a dramatic, spiky blue mohawk. USUAL  FACE  LOOK : mischievous smile or smirk; sometimes looks a bit wistful, like he’s thinking about something. USUAL  CLOTHING : is normally shirtless, wearing thick red firefighter pants with a yellow “3.” most often wears black rubber boots, black gloves, ear lobe piercings, and an industrial piercing. sometimes wears a black tee-shirt.

PSYCHOLOGY. FEAR / S : spiders, bugs, needles, being in love (kind of), losing his sister or niece, finding out his parents are dead. ASPIRATION / S : to continue his firefighting career, to receive a masters in emergency medical technology / fire prevention & safety technology. POSITIVE  TRAITS : brave, caring, friendly, modest. NEGATIVE  TRAITS : daring, reckless, sensitive, over-attachment. MBTI : entertainer (ESFP-A) ZODIAC : cancer TEMPEREMENT : choleric / sanguine SOUL  TYPE / S : performer ANIMALS : zebra VICE  HABIT / S : twiddling thumbs, jiggling leg (usually the right), twirling & playing with hair, biting nails, chewing lips, swearing, sighing, pen clicking. FAITH : none; would consider himself agnostic. GHOSTS ? : yes. AFTERLIFE ? : not sure. REINCARNATION ? : not sure, but leaning towards no. ALIENS ? : yes. POLITICAL  ALIGNMENT : independent, opinions slightly more left-leaning EDUCATION  LEVEL : graduate student

FAMILY. FATHER : nikanor thymos MOTHER : agape thymos SIBLINGS : danai thymos (older sister) EXTENDED  FAMILY : james (ex-brother-in-law), aria (niece) NAME  MEANING / S : his first name is of an unknown meaning, but it could mean “from gaul” in greek. his last name comes from the greek word “thumos”, which means “spiritedness” or “the need of recognition.” HISTORICAL  CONNECTION ? : not that we know of, i think ???

FAVORITES. BOOK : harry potter / hunger games MOVIE : the lion king 5  SONGS : rick astley - never gonna give you up, lady gaga - born this way, beyonce - countdown, ariana grande - god is a woman, pitbull - timber (feat. kesha) DEITY : zeus HOLIDAY : christmas MONTH : july SEASON : summer PLACE : his bedroom / the lounge at work WEATHER : partly cloudy SOUND : meditation sounds SCENT / S : coffee, flowers, fresh baked desserts, fresh pizza, light cologne TASTE / S : coffee, vanilla cake, milk chocolate, parmesan cheese, green tea anything tbh FEEL / S : soft blankets, comfy pillows, loose-fitting clothes ANIMAL / S : dogs NUMBER : 13 COLORS : teal blue / flame red

EXTRA. TALENTS : piano, singing, writing, linguistics, thinking quickly, firefighting BAD  AT : drawing (sort of), getting himself organized, following orders (sometimes) TURN  ONS : kindness, sensitivity, acceptance, openness, agreeableness TURN  OFFS : irresponsibility, lack of free time, ignorance HOBBIES : piano, singing, writing (stories, poems, etc), karate TROPES : ambiguously gay, antiquated linguistics, broken tears, calling your attacks, the chosen one, firemen are hot, going commando, hunk, idiot hero, innocently insensitive, large ham, mr. fanservice, oblivious to love, the protagonist, rookie red ranger, scars are forever, shonen hair, you gotta have blue hair (found here, there’s a lot more actually) QUOTES : “medals are made to be awarded to and from people who deserve them.” / “you can’t just kill for no reason!” / “[i’m] the universe’s #1 firefighting idiot!”

MUN QUESTIONS. Q1 :   if  you  could  write  your  character  your  way  in  their  own  movie ,   what  would  it  be  called ,  what  style  would  it  be  filmed  in ,  and  what  would  it  be  about ? A1 : honestly??? i think i would keep it the way it is, BUT i would like to have seen some more canonical information about galo’s family. as of right now, we know that kray saved him after his family was attacked by the burnish. if i were to direct a new movie about galo, i would focus it mainly on his family. Q2 : what  would  their  soundtrack / score  sound  like ? A2 : i think it would be a mix of melancholic music as well as more upbeat stuff. on my blog’s main page there are links in the sidebar to both a soundtrack playlist as well as a pop music playlist; i definitely think it’s fair that a variety of genres would suit him and his experiences. Q3 : why  did  you  start  writing  this  character ? A3 : when i first watched promare, i was instantly drawn to this buffoon himbo. i’ve always had a thing for upbeat, energetic characters who are also quite caring and a bit dumb (which yes galo is very smart but he has his moments). while their personalities differ greatly (despite having the same personality type), he reminds me a lot of lance from vld, who i absolutely adore as well (and i also rp him too oops) Q4 : what  first  attracted  you  to  this  character ? A4 : again, probably his personality. while i’m not as energetic and upbeat as galo and i have a very, very different personality type than him, i feel like i definitely do understand him. i understand why he feels he needs to be overly confident, and i also have my moments where i just need to storm off and be alone. god i could write paragraphs and paragraphs about why i like galo but i wanna keep it short and sweet and just stick with those two points, which i consider to be the biggest points. Q5 : describe  the  biggest  thing  you  dislike  about  your  muse. A5 : look, i know i said i liked confidence, but something about galo that annoys me is the fact that he can often seem too confident. like yeah he seemed pretty humble in that pizza scene at the beginning of the movie, but i can’t help but feel a twinge of annoyance towards people who put themselves right into the center of attention and be all like “yeah i know i’m great.” like my boy i love you but do u have to announce urself every time u appear on the scene??? and pls stop being so reckless u honestly might die too soon one of these days we want u to be around for us to enjoy u Q6 : what  do  you  have  in  common  with  your  muse ? A6 : i definitely feel like we both have our moments where we just need some peace and quiet. of course, everyone needs this, but when galo talked about running off when he was pissed reminded me of me; i tend to go and cool off and vent to myself if i’m annoyed about something. we’re both naturally people-oriented and love to be around others, even though galo likes being the center of attention a little bit more than myself. Q7 : how  does  your  muse  feel  about  you ? A7 : in the sense that if galo were real, i honestly think we would get along fairly well. we have different ways of dealing with things, but we have similar habits and personality traits. however when it comes to rp blogs, while i do like to headcanon things about my muses that mirror my own opinions and beliefs, i do consider the mun/muse relationship fairly symbiotic. we as real people can learn so much from fictional characters and in how we play them, and of course, the mun will determine some things about the muse that will deter from canon. Q8 : what  characters  does  your  muse  have  interesting  interactions  with ? A8 : i just started this blog and have had very minimal interactions, so it’s hard to say ! i’d say that an interaction with a kray muse would be the most interesting. part of me wants galo to forgive kray and to have a better relationship with him post-movie canon, but there’s still so much about galo and kray’s relationship pre-movie as well; what was their relationship like? was kray like a father to galo? how can i describe the psychological mindset that galo had after finding out that kray betrayed him? there’s so much about these two that i really want to discover and look at, while of course providing my own insight (cuz that’s what muns do, right?). Q9 : what  gives  you  inspiration  to  write  your  muse ? A9 : i like to study galo’s actions in the movie, and try to find the underlying cause of the actions he takes. however, when it comes to headcanons, i will often think of a scene or an idea in my head and then internally apply it to galo and see if it works. this is usually what kindles my writing fire: the thoughts that often rush through my head. Q10 : how  long  did  this  take  you  to  complete ? A10 : like two whole days lmao im so slow

[tinypigeonlord]

Was reading about how American school systems are ridiculous and will expell you for the dumbest most unreasonable shit and that’s just how America is. But tbh it’s not just American schools which are like this? Throughout my time on a highschool in the Netherlands, I have experienced plenty of dumb shit and I have a mighty need to rant. SO! To name just a few examples:

• I once injured my right hand during school volleyball, which is my dominant hand. It was badly swollen, bruised and taped in, so I had to write with left. My handwriting was barely readable at the time, and soon enough I was approached by my teacher, who was pissed. He accused me of bullying and mocking him specifically, because he was a left-handed kid in school and had been forced to write with his right hand because at the time writing left handed was ‘wrong’, leading to a lot of bullying for him. I didn’t even know this, and had to show him my messed up hand to prevent getting expelled.

• I dealt with a lot of bullies in school, and teachers did jack shit to stop them because I had no evidence, and ‘if two people have issues, then both did something to cause it’. So basically I was accused of provoking the bullying somehow. To deal with the frustration, one day I made a crude doodle of a chimpanzee, drew an arrow to it and wrote the name of one of my bullies next to it. Said bully went through my bag at some point, stole my notebook from me and showed the teacher that doodle. I was forced to apologize to the bully and shake his hand, otherwise they had no choice but to expel me. The bully did not face any consequences for going through my belongings and stealing my stuff. Nor did he have to apologize for provoking me into drawing that doodle.

• One day my teacher caught me doodling something in a corner of my workbook while she was explaining things I already understood, and so she confiscated the workbook to make me listen. Next it was time to do homework assignments. I asked the teacher how I was supposed to do this, since she took my workbook. She kicked me out of the class for sassing her and I got detention.

• I was also kicked out of class once for being unable to find my books in time. This was at the beginning of a new year and I didn’t have a locker yet. We had 9 different subjects that day so my bag was filled to the brim with big books, and it took me a bit to find the correct book. The teacher assumed I had just forgotten the book and we have this rule here that if you forget your stuff, you get thrown out of the class. I did find the book and showed her that I had it, but by that time I was too late and had already ‘disrupted class’, which was another reason to kick me out and write me up for detention.

• One time when I was on my period, I asked to use the bathroom when class had only just started. The teacher told me to wait until class ended, and I really couldn’t wait that long, so in my frustration I said to him in a hushed voice: “Sir, I will paint this chair red with my blood if you don’t let me go...” I could go after that, but I was also told I shouldn’t come back in class and just stay out then. + Detention.

• This didn’t happen to me, but one of my teachers haaaaated one of my classmates because she argued against his opinions a lot. So he would kick her out of the class for the most unreasonable things. He caught her looking outside the window for a moment, for example, and told her that if she was not interested in his teachings she should just leave the room. When she told him he was being unreasonable and that she had been listening, he did kick her out. Another time, she opened her mouth to yawn, and the teacher immediately yelled at her to not fucking dare to argue against him again. She stood up for herself and said she only had to yawn, so he yelled at her for disrupting class.

This same teacher even kicked out our entire class once. We all got fed up with him shitting on this one classmate for BS reasons, so we opened our mouths against him as well. Everyone, even those who just glared at the teacher without saying anything, got thrown out of class and written up for detention.

• I had to write a formal apology to a teacher once. Basically, I had been sick for a while and forced to stay home, and immediately on the day I returned to school, I had to do a math test without having had the chance to prepare. I explained the situation to the teacher, who literally told me in my face: Tough luck, shouldn’t have skipped school, I’m not making exceptions for you. I replied: “we’re not done with this yet.” and he perceived it as a threat, and told the entire class what I had said to him, hoping that the class would chastise me for saying such a horrible thing. Instead the class clapped and cheered for me, and as a result I not only had to write that apology letter to him, but I also got thrown out of class for being a disruption.

This same teacher once gave me a 5.9 for a presentation. You have to realize our grades range from 1 to 10, with 6 being kinda like a C. It’s the minimum required for a passing grade. Meaning he JUST failed me. The class argued against his decision and asked him why he didn’t just give me a 6, since I didn’t really give a bad presentation, it was just a very simple/basic one. It had no real faults or wrong things in it. He said he gave me a 5.9 ‘just because he felt like it’.

• I almost got expelled once for presumably having gotten into a fight. Holy shit, Pigeon Lord getting into a fight??? Yeah no, the only fighting I did was with a skeeter. I am allergic to mosquito bites and my legs were completely covered in bruises from a particularly aggressive skeeter. My classmates had seen the bruises and reported me to our mentor. They wouldn’t believe such bruises came from a flippin insect and I needed my mom to confirm that yeah my body does NOT like mosquito saliva.

• I got in trouble for being too thin basically. People complained when I wore tight and form-fitted clothes because I looked anorexic and it made them uncomfortable. When I wore loose clothes, people complained that I looked sloppy and like a hobo and that I needed to look presentable in a school setting. I couldn’t win, and was told to not show up at school until I could dress properly.

• Same with my face. I had a teacher complain to me that I always looked tired and sick because of my dark circles and acne. ( I actually was tired and sick 90% of the time tbh) and that I needed to fix that because she hated the looks I gave her.

• Speaking of being sick! My mentor wanted to fail me for the year and make me redo it, because she thought I was fake. Like, she accused me of faking everything to gain sympathy and told me that if it was up to her, I wouldn’t pass the year, even though I scored passing grades for all my classes. She couldn’t get it done, but she made the rest of my classes she taught VERY miserable. :’D

• Meanwhile my sister was her mentor’s black sheep, and her mentor did fail my sis and made her redo the year. Not even because my sister was sick a lot, but because her mentor despised my sister’s ‘attitude’ towards her. She thankfully didn’t get away with it: my sister’s new mentor that next year overruled her old mentor along with her other teachers, and she passed after all, but not after a serious fight that lasted for 3 months.

• I in the meantime was locked out of my final exams. I had been sick during an oral test date, and the school had claimed that I didn’t call in sick for the day. Nor had I shown any initiative to apologize for not being there when I was expected. (I didn’t get a chance. The splitsecond I arrived at school after being sick, I was called into the office and yelled at with no chance to defend myself) Therefore I was not allowed a re-do, and therefore I couldn’t do my final exams, because I didn’t complete all my tests. This actually went against the law; the school can’t deny me a re-do based these things. Mom requested the data from our phone company regardless, and had evidence that I did make a phonecall to the school on the date I was sick and missed the test, and that whoever had taken the phonecalls that day was lying. But the school still would not accept it. We had to hire a lawyer who threatened to take them to court for lying because of a personal vendetta against me, not to mention disregarding the law, before they let me re-do the test and my exams.

• The school actually threatened to call the police on my sister. She presumably had written on social media that she wanted someone to burn the school down, and she’d be eternally grateful for that. The school claimed they had screenshotted the post and wanted my mom and sis to immediately make a formal apology to them. Now here’s the kicker: When my mom asked to see the screenshot, it wasn’t even a screenshot of the website. It looked like someone had literally just opened a Word document and typed my sister’s first name + that sentence of her requesting the school to be burnt down. The school then claimed that the teacher who had spotted her post had lost the screenshot, but they had no reason to not trust a teacher. Mom shut them down by telling them: “My daughter’s social media account is set to private and it’s only visible to peers in her friendlist. She doesn’t even use her real name on this website. Meaning that your teacher has either been pretending to be one of her peers to gain access to her account, or they faked this entire message. Either way, I myself will press charges if you don’t get off her case immediately.” The school then claimed that they didn’t mean to cause any misunderstandings, and they didnt mean to threaten my mom and sis, they weren’t actually gonna call the police. HAH.

There are MANY more things that happened, but these events stuck with me and I’m still bitter 7 years later. So yeah I felt the need to tell the interwebs I guess.

[lemon-writings]

Playlist: Zamsel

This playlist is for my son character Zach Amsel (Zamsel) from my book WADAA. He’s one of the few characters that gets their own playlist, especially in WADAA. It’s difficult to give characters like Kam playlists, but it’s easy to curate a collection of songs for Zamsel. 

He’s a relatively sad guy, but it’s fair, all things considered. Poor guy has some severe anxiety and a toxic relationship with his girlfriend, Chai. A lot of the songs are New Medicine, which I think of as Chai’s band. It’s also one of the gosh dang saddest playlists I’ve made within the past couple years. Like, wow, buddy. You’re really sad. I wonder who did that to you.

This playlist is continuously growing, so I’ll probably update it from time to time. 

Bad Habit - Ben Platt

You always said that I'd come back to you again / 'Cause everybody needs a friend, it's true / Someone to quiet the voices in my head / Make 'em sing to me instead, it's you

Hate to say that I love you / Hate to say that I need you / Hate to say that I want you / But I do

You make me feel like I'm floatin' off the ground / Above this little town, you do / Look at me smile with tears in my eyes / I love the way you lie, I do

Like A Rose - New Medicine

You better pray she took her morning medication / Or you might have to pick her up at the police station / 'Cause if there's trouble in this town, you know she's gonna find it / She's like the devil in a short skirt but I don't mind it / Everybody thinks I'm crazy, but they don't even know

She got jagged edges and a dirty mouth, what a lady / And she got everything that I don't wanna live without / She's kinda like a rose / She's kinda like a rose / She's kinda like a rose and you might wanna run / 'Cuz even when she's cold, she's burnin' like the sun / The bitch is rock n roll, and let me tell you, son / Don't care if you don't like her / I love her, I love her

Broken Girl - New Medicine

I wish I didn't know you, I wish I didn't care / I shoulda known that we were never going anywhere / I shoulda lied a little, I shoulda cheated too / I guess you only want to love someone who hurts you

Yeah, you're always calling me at 3:00 A.M / Drunk and lonely, here we go again

Hey, you're begging me to stay / And know just what to say / I gotta get away, you're just a broken girl / Oh, your body's saying "go", you're naked on the floor / Don't love me anymore, you're just another broken girl

I wish that I could fix you, I know I never could / Maybe you're just afraid of anything that's any good / You say you think about me, but you see other guys / Sometimes I guess I feel like loving you is suicide / Still there's somethin' I just can't resist / I guess that's how it always comes to this

Dead Love Song - New Medicine

I didn't wanna break you down / I sacrificed myself, my conscious wouldn't let me out / Oh, there's the cage I'm in / Poison dropping on my skin / Goodbye's hanging on my tongue / And I know I'll die if I don't run

I only got one thing on my mind / Nothing's gonna stop me, not this time / Wasted way too long, living in the lines of a dead love song / I've been afraid to let you know / I've been afraid to let you go, I've been afraid 

Heart With Your Name On It - New Medicine

Goddamn, you treat me like shit / But I keep coming back for more / I'm so over it, but I just can't run / 'Cause just when I think I've had enough of your suicidal love / Well, you always suck me in

It's like the more fucked up shit you do, the more I'm into you / And I just can't say goodbye

Breaking up was my idea, so why do I feel so low? / You know that I tried like hell to forget you / I'm lying in someone else's bed, but you're all up in my head / Like there's no escaping you 

Boy Like Me - New Medicine 

She's the only girl I see / She don't wanna be with a boy like me 

She's the kinda girl that you can never please / She don't even really wanna talk to me 

I don't wanna live another day like this / In a world where she don't even know that I exist 

Self Esteem - The Offspring

But she came over, I lost my nerve / I took her back and made her dessert / Now I know I'm being used / That's okay, man, 'cause I like the abuse / I know she's playing with me / That's okay 'cause I've got no self-esteem

When she's saying, oh, that I'm like a disease / Then I wonder how much more I can spend / Well, I guess I should stick up for myself / But I really think it's better this way / The more you suffer / The more it shows you really care / Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah

Late at night, she knocks on my door / She's drunk again and looking to score / Now I know I should say no / But it's kind of hard when she's ready to go / I may be dumb, but I'm not a dweeb / I'm just a sucker with no self-esteem 

Sex in the City - Hobo Johnson

Sex in the city / Probably feels really really nice / With hands placed on faces and twinkles in their eyes / Sex in the city / Probably looks really really great with / A girl that's like a ten and a guy that's 'bout an eight / Sex in the city / Sounds like it takes place on stage / Both moaning in key while Marvin Gaye sings / Sex in the city / Candles smell like great jobs and promising careers / My candles smell like fear my roommates may hear

I have really bad b-acne / It looks like the gosh-dang night sky / And I promise I'm gonna get it taken care of

Peach Scone - Hobo Johnson

And I love the thought of being with you / Or maybe it’s the thought of not being so alone! / Hey, the second one’s way sadder than the first one / But I don’t know

Shit, I love being—I love being loved, but / Don't like crying on the phone

And if you find someone who loves you for who you are / Keep loving 'em, man / 'Cause that shit happens like, once in a lifetime, y'know? / And who am I to get in the way of someone living their lifetime, Y'know?

House of Gold - Twenty One Pilots

She asked me, "Son, when I grow old / Will you buy me a house of gold / And when your father turns to stone / Will you take care of me?" / I will make you queen of everything you see / I'll put you on the map / I'll cure you of disease

Let's say we up and left this town  / And turned our future upside down / We'll make pretend that you and me / Lived ever after happily

And since we know that dreams are dead / And life turns plans up on their head / I will plan to be a bum / So I just might become someone

Twin Size Mattress - The Front Bottoms

It’s no big surprise you turned out this way / When they closed their eyes and prayed you would change / And they cut your hair, and sent you away / You stopped by my house the night you escaped / With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay / You said “Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way”

This is for the lake that me and my friends swim in / Naked and dumb on a drunken night / And it should've felt good, but I could hear the Jaws theme song / On repeat in the back of my mind / Make sure you kiss your knuckles before you punch me in the face / There are lessons to be learned / Consequences for all the stupid things I say / And it is no big surprise you turned out this way / The spark in your eyes, the look on your face, I will not be brave

She hopes I’m cursed forever / To sleep on a twin-sized mattress / In somebody’s attic or basement my whole life / Never graduating up in size to add another / And my nightmares will have nightmares every night / Oh, every night, every night

Relapse - Divided By Friday 

I don’t wanna be somebody falling into relapse / Every time I see that smile again / I just think of when you said “I love you / But I don’t think I can be the one.” 

Did you forget that we said “I’m never gonna leave you / Always gonna keep you right here next to me?” / So why am I the only one; the lonely part of “we?”

Colors - Halsey

You were red, and you liked me because I was blue / But you touched me, and suddenly I was a lilac sky / Then you decided purple just wasn't for you

Ease My Mind - Ben Platt

Most days, I wake up with a pit in my chest / There are thoughts that I can't put to rest / There's a worry that I can't place / Most nights, I am restless and quiet won't come / So I lay there and wait for the sun / There's a trouble that won't show its face

Darling, only you can ease my mind / Help me leave these lonely thoughts behind / When they pull me under, and I can feel my sanity start to unwind / Darling, only you can ease my mind

Peach - The Front Bottoms

One day, you will find someone / Who will love you like you deserve / But tonight, I'm the only one left / And I'm betting it's a fact that you will never learn

You say I'm gonna miss you when you leave / And you are probably right

You say I should think before I talk / You say I shouldn't think about my life

Archive - Mal Blum

And so I spent the winter bundled up / Pretending I was sane / And giving up / The things I love the most / Because they felt like pain

And I lied to all my friends, said I was happy when I wasn't / And you lied to all yourselves / Said I could give you what you wanted / But it all feels so much bigger than / Some blame-filled, lonely break up 

[kleiner2296-blog]

My truth:

Last year, I literally had the hardest year of my life. In the midst of all the happy events going on (wedding, honeymoon, family trips, a newborn/infant), there was always this lingering cloud of sadness and emptiness. I was so far in my head, I just couldn’t get out. It was a time where breathing felt like a chore- where most days I would lay around and felt like I couldn’t get out of bed. Being a stay at home mom benefitted my depression in many ways. It was easy to put on a facade of a “put together mom, and wife”. Most days, my dishes went unwashed, laundry piled up, and the house went awry. Carter was always taken care of for sure, but some days it was so bad, I’d hand him my phone to play with just so I could stay in our dark room, lay around and sleep. Of course it was my anxiety that pulled through whenever someone had to come over. I was obsessive over what people thought of me, and sometimes the judgement that came with it- even if it meant just shoving everything into a closet for the time being. It was only then, that it was easy to just hurridly clean up and make my life seem so picture perfect.

On top of that, without going into any details, my marriage was just a bit rocky, and most of it (in my opinion) was stemming from my irritability and anger/bitterness. There has been so much resentment from many many things that have eaten at me for a long time in my personal life as a whole, and it was an easy target to put onto my husband, and it was unfair to him. I will probably be forever saddened by my behaviors and my choices to act on my emotion so carelessly. But, i’m happy to say that we are 110% again and most of that burden/trauma has been slowly lifted 🙂

I was diagnosed with PPD (For those that don’t know, it stands for Post-partum depression) later in 2016 around november/december if I remember correctly (Sounds crazy but a lot of 2016-2017 is literally a blur- which i would assume just happens with depression???) amongst my already existing anxiety panic disorder. I have had anxiety since I was pretty young, and was first diagnosed at age 16 where I was shipped off to a therapist to “help me”.

I had so much guilt from my failure of breastfeeding and so much stress on my plate from carter’s slow weight gain (Which now I understand he is small because those are his genetics lol... although sometimes it still gets to me). I was angry because it was always me up at night and all day while carter fought sleep (Rightfully so! Cj pays the bills and works very very hard!! we love him! He’s a FANTASTIC father and husband!!!) and the lack of sleep, plus crazy crazy amounts of insomnia stemming from my anxiety, were literally making me obsessive and paranoid for no reason about dumb things. One of my biggest anxiety triggers is time, and so every night i would obsess over how many hours i had to fall asleep and then panic when i wouldn’t fall asleep by that hour, and then repeat, until it was too late to even get a healthy amount of sleep. Unfortunately I took it out on a lot of people over simple small minded things. And if you’re reading this, and that possibly applies to you, I am sorry. I am not proud of how my behavior was during 2016-2017, but please know, that although it’s not an excuse, it also wasn’t completely in my control. 

***An example of how bad my anxiety got at one point: I was flying home to visit my parents and carter was just switched to Almond milk/soy milk because he couldn’t have dairy, and I literally went into a full blown panic over how I was going to get him almond milk in the airport/how i was going to feed my child just to get to where I was going. I almost considered canceling my flight over such a silly thing. I obsessed over it for days, throwing myself into a pit of fear that literally swallowed me whole- at that point I called my mom and just broke down- full blown panic on the phone over it. She walked me off the ledge and we came up with a game plan. I’m so grateful my mom understands how bad it can get for me... and over the dumbest things. Mom, if you are reading this, I pray you know how much you mean to me, and how thankful I am for you<3.***

April-June was a pretty scary time, looking back. I was drinking more often than I should have been to cope with my feelings or “lack of” feelings. Not crazy amounts, but enough to raise concern from my husband. I like to have an occasional glass of wine and have a few drinks here or there, but this was really different for me.

My bachelorette party, I got absolutely wasted and ended up having a major panic attack about what a shitty mom I was, right in the club we were in. I’m sure some of it was honestly me feeling typical “mom guilt” for just enjoying myself, but hearing some friends talk about that incident is a pretty sad thing for me. Although it’s easy to laugh about on the outside, parts of me knows how deep that was and how dark of a time it was, internally. I almost feel like it was a cry for help, but came out just as any new mom feeling guilty for “going out” even though I knew it was more than “going out”. It was an escape from reality.

Around March or so 2018, I started to feel like I had just a bit better grip on my anxiety. I was able to relax a lot with carter- even allow myself to let go enough for him to stay the night at someone else’s home. That was a big victory for me. My depression, however wasn’t getting better. I called my doctor and asked if there was any way to help me. She ended up revealing that my Mirena was probably the cause of most of my emotions. This was upsetting because I have an anxiety diagnosis in my medical history so knowing that, my midwife should have mentioned that there was a strong possibility of heightened anxiety and depression. She prescribed me birth control pills to take ALONGSIDE my mirena. So now, at this point, I was on some form of progesterone and the estrogen provided by mirena. Talk about hormone overload.

So a little more background info.... My insecurities started really taking a hit on my mental health as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that i’m just a vain girl. It’s who I am and I am okay with that. I’m in a vain industry, as a cosmetologist! Oh well! So with my mirena causing a lot of these mental health issues, my face also started breaking out even more due to the levels of estrogen it had. **Currently, my face hasn’t gotten a ton better, but enough for me to start to see the light. Sounds silly, but my acne was also a strong contributing factor of my depression at the time.**

The birth control pills my midwife prescribed were also supposed to help that issue as well. I gave them a shot, and unfortunately they didn’t help much. I have a nurse who comes to see me every 2 weeks to check on carter and answer questions I have or give me info about being a mom (I found this program through WIC, and have seen my nurse since I was pregnant every 2 weeks!! Highly recommend!!), and she and I discussed my options. After another panic attack during one of our visits together, she urged me to get some help, and we decided that taking my mirena out was probably what was best.

But here we go... *cue adulting problems*. We didn’t have insurance that covered the removal of my IUD. It was going to cost $400. So I put on my big girl panties and sucked it up- I mean, depression/anxiety is nothing when you live with it for a long time, right? I kept that mirena in until June 2018. We finally got advice from a family friend, and she recommended her doctors office who went above and beyond to make sure that my insurance would cover it. I got it removed!! I shit you not, yall. THE SECOND that mirena was pulled out, (NO EXAGGERATION), that cloud that had been hovering over me for so long, started dispersing- poof. just like that, i felt 100 times better. 

This leads me to where I am now. Sitting here, typing this long story. I pray that, even though I am willingly putting my truth out there on the interwebs, judgement won’t be too harsh, and that there’s someone who may get something out of this. One day, I want to look back on this blog, and see how far I have come. I want to live a better life, I want to beat my mental illness(es). I want to be better than I was the day before, and I want to feel immense love and satisfaction with myself. 

To the future Vannessa:

You are worthy. 

You are stronger than your illnesses.

You are resilient.

You are happy. 

YOU ARE FREE. 

P.S. This is a picture of my tattoo! Seratonin symbol that represents anxiety and depression

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[leisurelypanda]

Ballad of the Thundering Heart ch. 18

https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605048/chapters/32809386

trigger warning: sexuality slurs, homophobia

“Did you hear we have a new theater director?” Tony asked as he rushed up towards them.

“Finally,” Loki said. “I hope he has some ideas already. I am already displeased to have not been in rehearsal at all this year.”

Thor could not follow it. He understood theater, of course. He incorporated more than his fair share of drama and grandstanding when he was on the field or trying to fire up a crowd, but that was as far as his skill in the theatrical arts went. Loki, however, Loki practically salivated at the thought of being on stage. He was apparently one of those lucky few who was born without any inherent sense of stage fright.

“I’m hoping for a musical or something,” Tony said. “Something lively.”

“Musicals are nice, I suppose,” his brother countered. “I’m hoping for something more classy. Like Shakespeare.”

Thor laughed as Tony made a snoring sound. Steve snickered beside him. It had been over a week since the Homecoming and whatever love bites had marked his skin had long since faded. It was worse for Steve. He had to wear long sleeve t-shirts with hoods for the first couple days after to conceal the fact that he had them. Thankfully the weather was starting to cool, though not as much as he might wish for.

They were busy studying for their physics test. Considering the last test had been much more difficult than either of them had anticipated, they had been sure to spend the entire weekend studying. Which was a shame, all things considered. But Steve, like Thor, took his studies seriously. It did not mean that they refrained from doing anything as a couple, but they did less than he would have preferred. Snogging to a movie was much more fun than studying momentum, after all.

Thor looked up, they had about 10 minutes until class started. He put his books and notes in his bag. He would take them out to study again during lunch. Next to him, Steve also put his things away. They started this little ritual last week. It was difficult to get privacy sometimes, so they took what they could get during the week.

“Do you feel ready?” he asked as they walked towards Steve’s classroom.

“Yeah, a bit,” Steve replied. “Still a bit nervous, though.”

“You will do fine, älskling. We both will,” he replied, squeezing his hand. Steve squeezed back.

“There you two are,” said a new voice from behind them. Thor turned. It was some of his teammates. The sort who were similar to Hodge, but did not seem to run in the same circles. Mean, petty men who were only on the team because the game was the only thing they were decent at. He placed himself between them and Steve.

“What do you want?” he demanded.

“That’s rather hostile of you, Odinson,” their ringleader jeered. He was on the team, but usually benched as a backup in case someone on the defensive line was seriously injured. Brown, Thor remembered after a moment. Anson Brown. He was a short, stocky man with pocketed acne scars on his pale face, a wide nose that had been broken a few times, and dun, brown eyes that seemed constantly glazed over, like he was high.

That might explain a few things, Thor thought. The guy was backup for a reason.

“We want you off the team, Thor,” he said. He sounded high, too. Like his thoughts were vague and slow to come. Thor barked out a laugh.

“Why is that?” he asked, crossing his arms.

“We don’t want the football team to be led by a fuckin’ sissy,” he declared. Thor huffed.

“Right,” Thor replied. “Well, there are already 3 pointless men off the team for their injuries, what does it matter if there are a few backups to add to the list?”

“It don’t matter,” a lackey said. “We already went to the coach. Said you was bad for the team cause we can’t trust you.”

Thor felt his rage building inside him. They went behind his back? To the coach? He was really about to lay into them. Then Steve was between them and Thor’s heart dropped to his stomach.

“Back off,” he said.

“What’d you say, faggot?” one of the malcontents demanded.

“Back off,” Steve repeated. “So what if he’s gay? What does it matter to you?”

“We can’t have a faggot on the team,” Anson insisted boorishly. “It’s bad for morals.”

“Morale,” one of the lackeys corrected.

“Right, that.”

“Why?” Steve demanded. “You’ve won every game you’ve played this year.”

“Don’t matter,” he droned. “We can’t have a guy in the locker room who might be checkin’ us out. It’s not natural.”

“You know what’s not natural?” Steve hissed, stepping up to get in Anson’s face. “Your obsession with who he does or doesn’t like. That’s disgusting. You’re so worried that he might be checking you out that you’re actually obsessing over it. It doesn’t even concern you!”

They were stunned silent at that.

“You’re cowards,” Steve continued. “If you have a problem with him at least have the balls to go to him about it instead of whining to the coach.”

Anson grabbed him by the shirt and raised a fist to strike him down. Thor rushed forward. Great Baldr, please no, he prayed silently.

“Go ahead,” Steve said. “I’m not afraid of you.”

Remarkably, miraculously, it seemed to work. Anson shoved him back and stalked off.

“This punk ain’t worth it,” he grumbled.

Steve released a breath all at once and slumped. Thor grabbed him in a fierce embrace.

“I’m fine, Thor, really,” he assured him. Thor released him and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Älskling,” he breathed. “That was… hot.”

Steve blushed. “Really?”

“Yes,” Thor said, holding his face. “I have never been more attracted to you than right now.”

Steve blushed. “It wasn’t anything special,” he said. “It was a dumb thing for me to do.”

“It was a brave thing for you to do,” Thor countered. “And I have never admired you more than when you did it.”

“It’s not fair for you to do all the fighting,” Steve whispered. “I just… I wanted to protect you.”

Thor kissed his lips softly. It was a chaste kiss, filled with adoration and gratitude. Steve returned it after a brief moment. His lover took a trembling breath when they parted. Thor stroked his cheek with the back of his fingers, feeling the soft, gentle features that hid so much strength.

“I thank you for it,” Thor whispered. “My little hero.”

Then Steve smiled, and Thor’s heart was glad. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

The entire rest of the day, Thor ran Steve’s confrontation with his detractors through his head again and again. It amazed him. Not just that it worked, but that Steve had actually done it. He actually had to put it from his mind a couple times during the physics test so he could focus. Of course, as soon as the test was over, they had some free time.

“You nervous about talking to the coach?” his lover asked.

“Hm? No, why should I be?” he replied.

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” Steve said. “But the teachers here aren’t exactly fair minded.”

“That is an understatement,” Thor huffed. “But it is very simple, Steve. If I get kicked off the team because I have a boyfriend, one of two things will probably happen. One, my parents will complain. And if there is one thing you should never do to government officials, it is give them reason to complain.”

“And if that doesn’t happen?” Steve asked.

“Then I will find something else to do with my time,” Thor whispered. “Maybe I can find a rugby club for teenagers in the city.”

“But wouldn’t you be happier staying on the team?”

“To be honest, I would rather the school have a rugby team,” Thor said. “American football is… interesting. Fun when you get used to it, but it really is a wimpy version of rugby.”

“You still need to show me a game,” Steve said, laughing.

“I do, that is true,” he said. “Are you free this weekend?”

Steve nodded.

“Wonderful!” Thor said. “I will bring you to the light, yet.”

“If you can keep off my neck long enough to explain what's going on, that is,” Steve teased.

Thor laughed, causing the teacher to look up from her desk to glare at him. He quieted himself and waved in apology.

“You're one to talk, älskling,” he whispered. “I seem to remember you being quite enamored with mine.”

His lover blushed. “It doesn't… bother you, does it?”

“I do not mind,” Thor assured him. “I am Swedish. We are not as… hung up about such things. Besides, it feels good.”

Steve’s flush grew until it encompassed his entire face as he smiled and gods the sight was beautiful. Thor was counting down the minutes until school let out when they no longer had to worry about getting in trouble for public displays of affection. At least, until he had to show up for practice, that is. Americans were so backwards and repressed. What was wrong with kissing in public? It wasn’t like they were having sex for all the world to see. Hell, all they were doing now was talking and people were giving them dirty looks.

As soon as the bell rang, Steve surprised him again by sitting in his lap and kissing him. Thor hummed with surprise but returned the kiss. It was a pleasant surprise. HIs hand fell to Steve’s thighs and brought him closer.

Someone coughed. Thor groaned and broke contact. It was one of their classmates. Becky or something. He couldn’t remember. She looked distinctly uncomfortable as she looked at them. Thor glared at her. Much as he was comfortable being affectionate in public, he did not exactly appreciate an audience. Unless they were cheering. That was different.

“What is it?” he asked, a bit more harshly than he intended.

“Do you guys mind?” Thor stared at her, but did not say anything. “I mean, it’s cool you guys are gay, that’s not a problem, but do you have to shove it down our throats every day? I mean, we get it, you’re gay but could you tone it down?”

“Ms. Davies,” the teacher said from across the room. “A moment of your time if you please.”

“Yes Ms. Foster,” she said.

“Is it any of your business what they do with each other, Nancy?” Ms. Foster asked. That’s it, Thor thought.

“Well they--”

“I’m not asking about them,” she said. “I’m asking how it involves you.”

Becca was silent and hung her head. “It doesn’t ma’am.”

“I thought not,” Ms. Foster said. “Don’t let me catch you doing that again.”

Becca practically ran out of the room. Steve was hiding his face in the crook of Thor’s neck. It annoyed him, but not because he thought Steve was too fearful. He was still new to this. The fact that he was willing to be public at all was thrilling to him. It was mostly because it made his lover feel ashamed or like he needed to hide himself. When the girl was gone the teacher walked up to them.

“I’m sorry about that,” she said. “You guys okay?”

“We are well, Ms. Foster,” Thor assured her.

“Good. By the way if either of you are ever interested, I’m the faculty adviser for the Gay-Straight Alliance,” she said. “We have a meeting after school this Friday.”

“I am, regrettably, unavailable after school most of the time,” Thor said.

“But… I might be… interested,” Steve said, sheepishly.

“Wonderful Steve,” she said, smiling. “It will be great to have you there.”

She said nothing more and went back to her desk. Thor was grateful. Allies were something of a mixed bag. They were well meaning, most of the time, but some were very aggressive in their brand of solidarity to the point that it was off putting. Ms. Foster, at least, seemed to be the quiet, supportive brand of ally, at least.

Thor looked up at the time and groaned. There was never really enough time.

“I have to go, älskling,” he whispered, kissing him again. Steve sighed, but got up.

Thor walked him to the front of the building before heading to the locker room. As much as he had tried to play it off like it was not a big deal, he could admit to himself that he was nervous. There was no telling what the coach or his team of assistant coaches would do. He had no idea where they stood on the matter. Considering that they lived in New York City, it was more likely than many places to be accepting. But prejudice towards queer folk was everywhere.

He tried not to worry about it as he walked into the room. He tried to ignore the dirty looks or the way people leaned and moved away from him. He tried to focus on getting dressed and ready for practice.

“Thor,” one of his teammates said. “Coach wants to see you.”

He nodded and finished getting outfitted before he headed to the office. Thankfully, only the head coach was there, Coach Phillips. He was an older man, perhaps the same age as his father. Coach Phillips and Odin, Thor had decided, would either get along famously or they would be at each other’s throats constantly and there was no in between. The man had a perpetually stern look on his face, like he had spent some time in the military and it had left him in a sour mood ever since. That being said, Thor thought him a decent man. When he entered the office, Coach Phillips motioned for him to walk with him.

“Son, I don’t know what rumors you’ve heard but I’ve had a number of complaints about you recently,” he said as he walked.

“Anson Brown informed me this morning,” Thor said. “Have there been any others?”

“Most of the complaints have been from guys like him,” Phillips said. “Bitter sons of bitches with delusions of grandeur who want to play but aren’t as good as they think they are.”

Thor chuckled at that.

“You think this funny, Odinson?” Phillips asked.

“Why shouldn’t I, sir?” Thor asked. “You made me quarterback because I am the most qualified, not because I was straight.”

“You got the right of it there, son,” he replied. “God, I hoped all this would end when Barnes went off to college.”

“You know about Bucky, Coach?”

Coach Phillips gave him a deadpan look. Of course he does, Thor thought.

“Son, this happens every time there’s a gay or bisexual or what have you guy on the team,” he explained. “And every time it happens there are some kids who want to whine about it ‘cause they think being naked in a room with someone who likes guys makes them less of a man.”

“So there is no problem then,” Thor stated.

“Not unless you plan on fuckin’ your boyfriend in the locker room,” he replied. “Now get out there, I want you all to get those plays down pat by Friday. Anyone gives you trouble, you deal with it or you send them to me, got it?”

“Yes, coach,” Thor replied and jogged to the field where people were already starting to get ready.

It could have been worse, Thor thought with relief. Wait until I tell Steve, he will be gladdened.

[somethingheresomethingthere]

Skincare Journey

March 20, 2020

I’ve decided to start documenting the things I try because actually what the hell is going on with my face. 

I didn’t have this much acne when I was at my peak of puberty, and there’s nothing in my life to explain it. No change in diet, water consumption, birth control, stress or routine. For a few years, I was using Rodan + Fields Unblemish. My skin was generally clear, but I often had dry skin, a breakout here and there, and was unsatisfied with how many harsh chemicals are in the product.

Cleanser

March 20, 2020

Figuring I had generally good skin, should switch to a product that didn’t directly target acne, and wouldn’t be as harsh, I switched to Rodan + Fields Reverse. I used Reverse for about three months before the breakouts came. The product felt way to harsh, and I was swinging between oily and dry skin. Always looking irritated after wash. I realize now, this was dumb cause it is extra harsh, aimed at combatting aging skin. I just went with it, because that’s what my mom uses. Should have tried Redefine if I was going to stay in the Rodan + Fields family.  

I am going for a natural, more hands-off wash. Amber recommends only washing your face at night, but I still want some kind of refresher in the morning. I maintain that moisture must be important-right? Per Ashlin’s recommendation, I ordered Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple One-Step Facial Cleanser; I will only cleanse at night or after a workout. 

April 1, 2020

Started Philosophy’s Purity Made Simple One-Step Facial Cleanser about a week ago and things are starting to clear up. Focusing on washing more intentionally. 

April 6, 2020

Okay, so I know it’s only been two weeks, but things are looking bad. Went online to find some dermatologist solutions. 

Sulfur is good in cleansers because its anti-inflamatory and targets acne, but is sensitive. Unblemish and Purity both have sulfur as a main ingredient, so this is good. 

April 13, 2020

Actually read up on Purity and learned it contains parabans, sulfates, and other irritating ingredients. Parabens are preservatives associated with cancer that are banned in the EU. Sulfates are cleaning agents that are too strong for the human body because they strip away natural oils.

Ordered Derma E Vitamin C Brightening Gentle Daily Cleansing Paste and it should be here next week. Should help with a more thorough evening cleanse.

May 8, 2020

Started Derma E Vitamin C Cleansing Paste.

Recommendations

Pure One-Step Camellia Cleansing Oil from Tatcha. Cleansing Oil helps to remove makeup and other oils. Should use gel cleanser after oil cleanser.

Toner

March 20, 2020

I’ve used witch hazel before as a quick cleanse or refresher in temporary place of a cleanse, but I found it dries my skin and could do without the fragrance for the clean score. 

Per recommendation and curiosity, I ordered Garnier Micellar Water for morning and post-cleansing use to get all makeup/dirt really out.

April 6, 2020

Dermatologist research confirms micellar water is a good. Gentle exfoliant, also takes off remaining makeup. Don’t need to moisturize after micellar if freshening up after workout.

April 13, 2020

Bought fragrance free witch hazel today. It has additional soothing properties over micellar. 

Recomendations

Derma E Micellar Cleansing Water with Vitmain C 

Moisturizer

March 20, 2020

I am using Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream right now, and I feel like it almost over-moisturizes. I’ve used Kiehl’s Ultra Facial Oil-Free Gel-Cream before and liked it better, but no better than the cheaper Neutrogena version. 

I’m also going back to Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost Moisturizer, to be used morning and night. 

April 1, 2020

Been using Neutrogena’s Hydro Boost Moisturizer for about a week and feels much cleaner. Rebuy would switch to extra SPF with Neutrogena Hydro Boost with SPF. Might need more hydration at night tho.

April 6, 2020

Dermatologist research confirms light, water and gel based moisturizer good, but needs to be a sunscreen.

May 13, 2020

Started using CeraVe Moisturizing Cream. It’s a decent price, non-comedogenic, and fragrance free. It is light and water based. More moisturizing then Neutrogena.

Sunscreen

March 20, 2020

The R+F sunscreen was way too thick and oily to be daily. 

April 13, 2020

Neutrogena water gel with SPF 50 came today. I thought it was same thing I’ve been using but with SPF, but it’s more of a cream then a gel. Light enough and I’m liking it so far.

Recommendations:

Tatcha’s sunscreen as a moisturizer. 

Acne Treatment

March 20, 2020

Proactiv’s Refining Mask as a spot treatment is really helping - and yes, it does smell like middle school. 

April 6, 2020

Dermatologist research says to use Benzoyl peroxide to treat white-heads and hormonal acne. This is in the step three of Unblemish, so that’s probably what my skin is missing. Hoping my Curology I ordered today will have some in it. Known to stain clothing. Use over entire affected area not just the pimple. Salicylic acid is an alternative that is less harsh. 

The proactive refining mask is a sulfur treatment, like the cleansers. maybe I need a stronger spot treatment?

April 13, 2020

Started Curology today. My formula is 1% Clindamycin 4% Azelaic Acid and .25% Zinc Pyrithione. 

I’m supposed to stop using these ingredients while my skin adjusts to Curology: Benzoyl Peroxide, Salicylic Acid, AHA (e.g., glycolic acid, lactic acid), Topical Vitamin C, and Retinol - so basically everything that’s supposed to help? I’m guessing the recommendation is to not overload during transition. 

May 3, 2020

Curology is working okay. The hormonal breakouts aren’t nearly as angry. I’m not wowed by the results tho. I plan to keep using and work on my other products before I give up.

June 3, 2020

Switched my birth control back. Started Skinfood Peach Sake Pore Serum.

Recommendations

Serums for acne should include Retinol, Vitamin C, Zinc, and/or Salicylic Acid.

Always moisturize after serums.

Texture may be a result of lack of exfoliation.

The Ordinary Niacinamid 10% + Zinc 1% Serum for Acne

Pixi Overnight Glow Serum for overnight exfoliation

Naturally G4U Beauty Has No Age - Retinol Anti-Wrinkle Serum

111Skin 3 Phase Anti Blemish Booster

Caudalie Vinopure Skin Perfecting Serum

Bioderma Sebium Pore Refiner

TOTAL

$13.95 Derma E Vitamin C Brightening Gentle Daily Cleansing Paste

$4.69 Dickinson's Original Witch Hazel Pore Perfecting Toner

$16 Skinfood Peach Sake Pore Serum

$19.95 Curology

$13.49 CeraVe Moisturizing Cream

$24 Clear Proof® Deep-Cleansing Charcoal Mask

$65 Tatcha Rice Polish: Deep Foaming Enzyme Powder

[genderplanet]

since going vegan (it's been awhile now lmao and my sister again showed uncooked meat in my face and laughed at me so I'm annoyed and writting this lol):

Idk how to add ‘read more’ on moblie so good luck for people who hates vegans lmao it’s my own experience so jot that down: 1) Learned which friends™ are dumb as shit, will start debates with you and become an expert in health, economy, capitalism, environmentalist shite and so on while delivering 0 facts and completely dissmissing my researched scientific articles™ but their opinion is the ultimate supperior well known facts™.((not saying that science can’t be biased just saying that someone’s opinion™ vs multiple research papers and health organisations’ approved consensus like…..okay…………….)). 2) How much my family actually cares for my health. Thanks fam. Much appreciated that you let me develope an eating disorder which fucked me up so badly but since going vegan and eating normal meals everyday and not like maybe once in 2 or 3 days but ok. You’re now an expert and care for my health haha wow I sure do love not experiencing ibs, higher acidity, acne, lactose intolerance caused problems and hormone disbalance and so on but like : )) ur an expert now and care for me and my health : )))))) yes family none of you have lactose intolerance, bowel movements and other severe health problems caused by meat you experience is not your diet ur hhhhhealt h h yyyyy yyyy. 3) People suddenly becoming health experts while eating an egg lmao like….did i ask….. 4) People get suddenly VERY defensive of why they’re not vegans and tell how vegans are annoying and trying to get my vegan ™ approval. Like……I literally just showed a picture of what I ate why are you like this it’s so annoying. 5) “Being vegan is so expensive” You’re thinking of processed crap that so little of us actually purchaces but okay ((bonus points is if we’re in a grocery store and we both buy yoghurts just I vegan version and them dairy while my yoghurt costs the same or less than their dairy but……i guess I’m living an expensive life)). 6) I know only one person who is both lactose intolerant and soya protein intolerant but only talks about the latter while whining the same day about their health problems that are caused by lactose intolerance like…….shut up…jsut ahut yopppp and lwave me alone I came to talk about other things and not your and your child lactose intolerancd while not even saying 'lactose intolerance’. 7) No, I don’t support Peta they’re evil. 8) No, palm oil is not vegan (yeah it’s a plant but its consumption is just that bad) and majority of vegans avoid it, and you, a fellow omnivore™, do avoid it? Or just want an argument against vegans/veganism???? Why do ppl even want to talk to me about that shut up I didn’t even bring that up myself and people who wants to talk to me about that seems as if bathing in palm oil as they’re talking to me on how bad it’s for workers and enviroment. Look at yourself dipshit. 9) Again just like 1) just especially when person1 brings up how vegans are two faced assholes for buying food made by workers in poorer countries and then person2 joining in saying how bad it’s for enviroment, economy etc. and then…suddenly….can’t read when saying that over 2/3 of those foods goes to farm animals industry smth and not pretentious wuite vegans like me smth. 10) No, jokes about vegans doesn’t really phase me except when those jokes for some reason turn into debates because I was unphased and it turns out the person wanted to get me angry or some other shit. 11) Yes, people showing right into my face meat phase me. I’m making this post because of my sister who literally showed a piece of meat in my face, touching my face : ))))) but sure I’m annoying for talking and giving the facts after getting provoked. 12) I can eat so much and gain no weight nor lose any lmao but my family only now calling me anorexic. Cool. I experienced an eating disorder for couple of years but now when my weight and bmi is so average and normal I’m…..anorexic…..like……what 13) Acne whomst???? (except stress (((not really an acne I have other things like scratching and picking up any scab or bump that exist))) and period acne lol those exist but not as severe as before too so jot that down @ asshole who asked me how I got rid of acne and then started dumb ass debates with me like binch did i even ask your opinion. 14) People who were vegetarians telling me it’s just a phase while dismissing the fact that I’m doing this for my health and not because it’s trendy or some other shit they did which is easiest thing on earth to do. 15) People brining up plant allergies. Barbara, you just avoid it just like I avoid dairy because surprise I can’t digest certain plants too dairy too and I live. 16) The amount of people whining about bowel movements or cramps after consuming a dairy product tho. 17) No meds healed my gastrointestinal reflux disorder or how’s that called in english as this “diet”. 18) I’m less fatigue. I almost never get 'food coma’. 19) Seriously tho the amount of dumbass people ignoring what I have to say while listening to their half assed opinions. It’s so annoying. 20) My relatives used to boil or bake potatoes, rice, make more various salads before I went vegan. Now I go there with my own brought food and just….what the hell. Why are they eating only meats when it’s some family gathering, they laugh at me for 'you probably don’t eat anything’ no uncle, you decided instead of potatoes to get more meat which you won’t even eat and salads will be eaten in next 2h and nome of you will feel good the next morning. 21) My mother who has wheat allergy, lactose intolerant ((my wholy family and almost all relatives except one I think (i can’t remember if it was one or two) has lactose intolerance)), consumes more alcohol than should is constantly lecturing me on health…..no mother shut the fuck up. Every choice you’ve made in life was bad and I don’t even want to see your face. 22) My stepfather has literally same problems with stomach as me and he’s a fucking butcher. 23) Waiting until my aunt will stop giving her kid dairy because she for past year is whining how the kid is experiencing probably every health problem that is caused by dairy after the kid was old enough to stop digesting lactose naturally (after certain age babies stop doing that but ppl I’m whining on this post ignore that fact lol like only few 'lucky’ ones can still do that). Like….I’m waiting…..my aunt can’t digest dairy as well but I guess she knows better and let her child get sick. 24) The amount of ppl not understanding my “I don’t eat any animal byproduct.” and asking “What about fish?” ….like i thought it was basic to know what is an animal but i guess not. Like I don’t even say word 'vegan’ cause ppl here has no idea what is the difference between vegetarian(usually a diet person or trendy person but not always of course and even as a trend idc why tbh) and vegan (lifestyle not a diet). 25) “I hate when people do it because it’s trendy.” Like….your point is? 26) Vegans who are racist, anti-semitic (Kat Von D for example) are literal devils. 27) No, I don’t eat raw vegan diet that’s dumbest shit a vegan can do and yet people ask me if I’m like that. 28) People haven’t probably heard of seasonal fruits and vegetables and insist I’m some pretentious fuckface who eats like 8 bananas a day and avocados (spoilers: I don’t even like avocados and I probably eat one banana per week like I used to before I was vegan). 29) The amount of people not even listening to me when they start the dabates tho. I know I’m repeating myself but just….dumb as shit. Like why even start anything if it’s only opinions and no facts. 30) PersonA getting angry at me for telling that maybe when they heard on tv is not right and maybe I did my research, maybe I do see and voice my own thoughs and opinions when other vegans base their shit on pseudoscience but oh no if I say something that doesn’t support a person’s A option then oh no I’m biased and know nothing. Let’s get angry. 31) My family calling me anotexic and assuming it’s because I’m vegan now even though I lost that weight before is just sad. Literally a year ago I was the same weight as right now and I was not vegan. My family don’t even knowing that there are more eating disorders than anorexia is also sad. Also me having an eating disorder since 8th grade didn’t cause because apparently I was overweight (not sure if it’s scientific but ony my biology teacher in 12th grade after some conference told that sometimes you might have a severe eating disorder but your body just will hold onto that fat and other stuff and you will not look like it but you still can have an eating disorder). UghhhhhUUGGGHHHH just seriously my family just why so 'caring’ for my health. I want to literally punch them in the face every single time they bring any health related shit up to me. They literally can’t digest dairy, have other allergies and talk to me about health like shut thenfu k upppp I don’t want my intestines to fall apart because of my diet before going vegan what the fuck. I had years to take meds that didn’t help me, I still of course can’t digest certain plants just as before (lmao repeating myself). Literally switching the meat to soya or lentils is not any more expensive than meats that I surprise can’t fucking digest. My mother, aunt all of relatives told me how since I was a baby I had eating and digestion problems but once I went vegan and it all went away somehow I’m leas healthy???? likemmmmm kay seems fake but okay. 32) Also if I tell ppl about my family basically shitting on me maybe be a friend and don't talk how vegans are annoying. It feels like a slap sinceI just tell about my famiy doing dumbass ahit and you don't listen and just that....like....how old are you and do you know what is 'supporting' your friend.

tldr: Since going vegan almost all health issues/symptoms I had since baby went away since going vegan and no meds helped me that much. People suddenly became dieticians/health experts. People telling me how expensive and pretentious I am but ignores what I have to say about that. My relatives can’t digest dairy, but insist that my 'diet’ is unhealthy FOR THEM. My relatives makes less plant based dishes for some reason Hmmmm i wonder why. People get defensive why THEY can’t go vegan when I didn’t even ask. Have strong opinions which apparently are more important than my research, my own opinion and experiences. Family members telling me I’m unhealthy and anotexic while I’m finally almost got rid of my eating disorder while finally being completely average weight.

'tldr’ is tldr: people(my fam) are dumb and should shut the fuck up about veganism around me I don’t even start shit and they don’t know anything.

[whattoputonyourface]

What are the essential parts of a skincare routine and what do you use?

“What I use” and “what is essential” are two very, very different things, because I have a brain disease and put a million things on my face in a misguided attempt to become immortal.

But: there are three main components to a skincare routine that everybody needs, no matter their skin type. They are: a low ph face wash, a hydrating moisturizer, and sunscreen. 

#1: Face Wash

Self explanatory, I think. You have to wash your dang face. Stuff gets on it.

One of the biggest changes I saw in my skin was when I started using a low ph cleanser. The natural ph of skin is slightly acidic, usually somewhere between 4.5 and 6.2, with the average being about 5.5. Using a face wash that matches this ph will help protect your skin’s moisture barrier (also known as the "acid mantle" if you wanna get fancy), which will do wonders for keeping your skin balanced. A lot of cleansers, especially anything super foamy that leaves your skin feeling “squeaky clean”, are too alkaline for the face. Using an alkaline cleanser can feel good, but ultimately it compromises your moisture barrier and can cause your skin to produce more oil in an attempt to hold onto what little moisture it has left. Also, if you’re acne prone, using an alkaline face wash is a bad idea because a slightly acidic environment inhibits the growth of bacteria that causes acne.

It can be hard to get used to using a low ph face wash if you’re used to that “squeaky clean”, “tight” feeling, because we associate those feelings with cleanliness. But it’s not cleanliness! It’s your skin's moisture barrier crying out for help! Don’t do it!!!

I’m not saying you need to go out and buy ph testing strips and be a psycho about this stuff like I am. You can usually google “(name of cleanser)+ph” and get info on it from the internet. There are a couple really good low ph cleansers at the drug store - my two favorites are from cerave, I use the cerave hydrating cleanser, but if you’re someone who needs that foamy feeling to feel clean, the cerave foaming cleanser; works as well. I recommend these two to pretty much everyone, but as long as you’re using something low ph (anything below an 8, but ideally something between 4 and 6 ) that gets dirt off your face, you’re probably fine.

#2: Moisturizer

A lot of people with oily skin think they don’t need to moisturize. THEY ARE WRONG. OMG. So wrong. Some people are just generally a bit greasy (I’ve inherited this gene from my italian ancestors), but a lot of times “oily” skin is actually dehydrated skin, and all that oil is just a compromised moisture barrier trying to hold in water (oil is what’s called an “occlusive” - it holds stuff in and keeps other stuff out) We often think of skin as just dry vs oily, but there’s a hydration component to it too. Generally speaking, the better hydrated your skin, the more balanced it will be. Ingredients to look for in a moisturizer are called humectants, ie, ingredients that draw and hold in moisture. There are lots of different humectants, but some of the common ones you should look for on the ingredients list of your moisturizer are: hyaluronic acid, glycerin, aloe vera, butylene glycol, and/or urea. (yeah, urea! It’s a pee chemical! Turns out it’s good for your skin! Good news for all you perverts.) No need for your moisturizer to include all of them, but the more and the higher up they are on the ingredients list the better. Honey is also a great humectant. If your skin is feeling dry, smearing honey all over your face and doing a quick face mask before you shower will make it baby soft.

Again, there are lots of good moisturizers at the drugstore, and again, I like the cerave line. I used this one from cerave for a long time before I got into all my fancy Korean bullshit (perhaps I'll do a post on that later) because it’s light and absorbs quickly. If you have dry skin, you might prefer something a little heavier and more occlusive, since your skin isn't producing the oil that's going to hold the moisture in, and if you’re really, truly oily, you might prefer a gel moisturizer like this Korean one I like.

#3: Sunscreen

Sunscreen is so boring. It’s not a sexy skincare product. But it’s the cheapest wrinkle cream money can buy. There’s no use spending lots of money on expensive treatments for your face if you’re not protecting the results with sunscreen. I talked about sunscreen, why it should be a separate skincare step, and why non Western sunscreen tends to be better and cheaper, a bit in my last post. I linked to the Japanese one I use in my last post, but there are a lot of options out there. A number of people contacted me after my last post to tell me how much they like this one from Nivea also for Asian markets.There is a lot to learn about sunscreens and how they work - chemical vs physical, SPF vs PA rating, UVA vs UVB, but I'm dumb and not super interested in it so I say just try to find one you'll actually use every day with a decent SPF rating and don't worry too much about the other stuff. Actually using it, and using a full 1/4 teaspoon of it, is the most important thing. Here's a more in depth post if you're interested.

Now there’s a whole bunch of other stuff you COULD add into your skincare routine, based on how obsessed you want to get and what your skin needs - double cleansing, vitamin c, exfoliating acids, brightening serums, peptides, retinol, masks, occlusives.. but start slow. I don’t need to transmit my illness to you.

[thedaysuntold-blog]

28th of May, 2018|5:37 am

TWO DAYS SINCE WE FINISHED SCHOOL Well, technically 3 if we are going to count today as a new day, but to me this is just the night of May 27. Even though the sun is coming out right now, it is still the night of 27 to me. That makes me wonder; Are our days counted by the hours or by how long we have been awake? Well of course, by the twenty-four hour cycle, unless you have a different concept of what a day is. I am just stupid, I guess. I have been wanting to create this journal-thing since school finished, but God bless I never did, special credits to my mom's old phone I am currently operating. I still remember the last day of school, oh God did I cry a lot. And the most embarrassing part was that I was the only one to cry. I wonder how hideous I looked haha, with all the stress-acne that has been hitting me, the lack of sleep, and my very well known low self-managing. Add to that an ugly crying face. But that isn't the only thing that took place on the last day. Well, I skipped so many events that I might as well start again; It was sunny but not too hot, something between spring and summer. Me and my brother were waiting for the bus, after a night of not sleeping. It felt so strange sitting in that almost empty bus, after getting in ofcourse. Then Sandra got in, as well as Bader and his siblings. I have a long time without seeing Bader, i was glad I got to see him for one more time. If only Baha2 joined, so the we-sit-at-the-back squad would have been complete. This also made me realize how much I missed Sabine, the sardine. I remember walking with Bader when we arrived since there was no one and my brother had better things to do, like talk to his girlfriend. It was so awkward, but I could tell Bader was trying to make me comfortable and open some conversation. I really appreciate that from him. So I stood there in front of the "Wade3 El 3adi" building until Ramsey, a big baby, came. We chat a little, still kinda awkward. BUT THEN LEILA CAME!!! I want to mention how I am completely obsessed with the fact that she exists?!? Woah such a wholesome human being?!? Anyways later on Georgio joined and I honestly had so much fun with them there. I love those two so much, I cant believe I grew so fond of them. It's strange how when I first met them I wouldn't have thought that they would become such an important fragment to the puzzle that is my life. Then we went up and solved the physics exam which was honestly easy, then nothing important occurred at reccess, and finally the gold test. Our last ever high school exam. After this we are officially adults. No more moments in class, no more uncontrollable laughter and playing around. Perhaps no more innocent happiness. The gold exam, coming from Miss Khawla herself, was expectedly long. I remember writing her a very heartfelt note at the very end, just like I did with Miss Iman. Miss Khawla was so happy and she told me through her smile; " Ya albi ya n/a". I really used to hate her but somehow at the end she didnt seem so bad. Maybe she didn't mean to be so evil, afterall. Later I went down to meet Safafa and he told me that Iman was looking for me. Iman is someone that has been my best friend for the past few years, she is my soul at this point. I dont know what I would do without her. And then I started crying of course cause I might not get to see her or anyone again. I just couldn't swallow such a heavy pill. Then everyone was consoling me, and Nour was so nice to me?? She is so nice haha. I hugged almost everyone and told each how much I loved them and how much they meant to me. If anyone is going to die, they better know they are hella loved. I wish someone could make me feel loved too. But then Iman exists, so no need for that. Something very cute was that Dean came to me holding a golden marker, and told me to write on his uniform, and he pointed at the location on his heart and said:" I saved this spot for you, Mohamed." And I don't know but I was extremely touched. Man, he is really someone, not a someone, but rather an all capitals PERSON, who I really treasure. He just makes me happy, that dumb kangaroo. "You know what I am going to write." I said as I wrote: "Don't let anyone kill your sparkle." Which is something I have been telling him ever since I befriended him last year. He is special to me you could say. I need to mention how awkward it was writing on his left boob. I also saw my cousin shaking his head at me because I was crying, looking disappointed. All because I cried, wow such disgrace to manliness! I really get the vibe that he doesn't really like me. The most important thing is that I gave Iman my uniform as a present and memoir from me. She also hugged me twice, and her hugs are so soft yet so tight, she has the most ideal hug I've ever had. I will just say those for now, I deserve some sleep. It's 6:32 am. Goodnight. I hope i keep up with this journal. Memories are something so fragile yet so sharp and cutting. People with good memories must be the saddest. But at least we learn how to live with the broken glass that is the past.