#no actually. the other half of the anxiety is bc we are gonna have this old militant icon and if she doesnt like me

[britneyshakespeare]

i am like. unreasonably mad right now.

[ithacanradio]

sleeping on the floor and marching through the rain: no problem. there's an old professor to wine and dine: one dead three injured. here is a short guide on how to be socially unadjusted communist militants in northern italy

[ranafoul]

How I look basically telling my boss Im going to have a breakdown today no matter what and I'd rather do it at home than at work and that I can feel the signs already coming on and it's going to last all day to the point where I'll make an attempt at my life bc this is not the first time this has happened to me in my life by a long shot (and I most certainly don't have the money to pay to go to the hospital and whatever subsequent things they want to do to/for me)

[oozedninjas]

What do you think of possessive turtles with their s/o? What do you think they'de be like? Other than marking their s/o that is

Ninja turtles + possessiveness

Ah, the smell of toxic relationships!

18+ I Ninja guys are mind to late twenties I kind of dark!turtles, kind of what I think the toxic aspects of dating them would actually be like. I MDNI I General verses

Leo

This bitch is too cocky to even think you can cheat on him, or fall for someone else. Yet!! He's still a mutant turtle, what if you hang out too much with someone who changes your mind?

You haven't answered in half an hour? Calls you.

Oh, you don't answer? haha, funny

* proceeds to spam*

via text, via calls, via social media

He just has this controlling habit of wanting to know where you are, with whom, and what you're doing.

You hate it, but when you confront him about it, he's always like

:( What do you mean? I'm just worried!

The foot clan's out there, you know?

Passive aggressive, honestly

It's not that he's being possessive! he just wants to make sure you're safe. *coughs * gaslighting * coughs*

He's sore when it doesn't work.

Donatello

Yeah, I don't how to tell you this but, your phone is tapped.

Just as you are about to leave to hang out with your friends, he makes the century's discoverment. It's happening again — "Please stay; it's important!"

Just five more minutes! *263536 hours later he still isn't done showing you *

Tracks your phone (in case of an emergency, of course)

Scoffs at you when you point out he's being possessive

Raphael

Behold, the "I can take you there" man.

Do you need to go to the store? He drives you! Get on the motorbike, enjoy the city lights ;)

You're hanging out with your friends? Don't worry; he'll give you a lift! No? Why not? Hmm, are you really hanging out with your friends?

Well, if he can't take you there, he can pick you up. How's that? :D Really so annoying.

Oh, you're clubbing? Guess what?! He's patrolling just in that same area. Isn't that great? Now he can wait for you to finish and walk you home!

Stalks your Instagram stories knowing he'll probably get angry, and then confronts you about the most random screenshots. Why are you touching this friend on the shoulder in this pic?! >:(

Seriously nerve-wracking.

Mikey

Listen, listen, we gotta give Mikey all the coins!! All the points because he's so subtle you don't even notice he's being possessive until one day you're reflecting and * loud gasp * revelation.

He gives you a bracelet just like his own so you can wear it as a couple! In addition to many other things that are sometimes bought and sometimes handmade, the point is that they are all orange.

And you will say, how is that possessive?

BECAUSE, because, your friends ask, is orange your favorite color? And while it may be yes, it is an opportunity to mention that the color reminds you of your boyfriend.

In short, he gives you or does things that will force you to bring him into conversation with other people.

He is the first to comment on all your photos on social media, "How beautiful my angel!" which is a problem bc now your friends want to meet him * sweats * how the hell are you gonna explain? And what if someone in your group reveals the secret? * anxiety intensifies *

Everyone in your life knows that you have a boyfriend, which is not bad, but sometimes, Instead of his actions feeling genuine, it's more like he just wants everyone to know that you are taken.

[thegamingcatmom]

Guess who? Spoiler: me, its me and I come with a question(s) bc it is 3am and my mind can't shut up (:

So I think this was mentioned previously in another ask or post but I don't remember if it went much into detail. My question is about mates and separation. It is said (dont remember if canon said something about it) that vampires have a hard time being away from their mates and I would like to go deeper into this, know your thoughts on the matter.

Like, how bad it is? How long can they stay away from their mate? Is it minutes, hours, days? Is it painful, like physically? What do they feel, like I think despair, anxiety? Are there vampires who have a better time than others?

And finally how each sister individually is regarding this 'separation' situation? How clingy are they, if they are that is? How do they handle it? Do they call a lot? Text? (They know what phones are right? Ancient creatures they are :p)

Thanks as always for the answers❤️ (this is so long and i probs forgot something but i cant think so im gonna try to sleep xD)

Hiii! <3

Totally relatable! 3am has, unfortunately, become the time my brain works on overdrive as well. Which means I usually have to quit when I feel like I'm making actual progress, because I do need to sleep at some point. 😭

Right so, I think vampires defo have a hard time being away from their mates. I don't think it's actual pain in the sense of being "physical," but I reckon it very much feels like that for them.

I also think that, just like us humans, they have different ways of dealing with that pain. Some seek the company of their other coven members, some prefer to be alone, some (try to) play it cool and don't let anything show, and so on.

With that said, how long they´re able to stay away also varies and depends on multiple factors, I´d say. It´s not just their own personality and their way of dealing with things that plays into it, but also the cause of the separation. I think the latter plays a rather big part, actually. Like, if it´s for a "good" cause then it might be a lot easier for them to endure, I imagine.

...Y´know, this kinda reminds me of Carmen and El and the things I have planned for them in The Sisters, because separation might actually become a recurring theme for them (we see a snippet of that in the upcoming chapter.) I haven´t quite decided yet how far I wanna take it, but your ask kinda makes me wanna explore how Carmen might cope with a possible long-term separation. 💔🥺

As for what they´re feeling when separated from their mate:

JOKES ASIDE THOUGH-

Truly mated/bonded vampires (thinking of James and Victoria here cause I have my doubts about those two) are like fitting puzzle pieces, shaped to align perfectly with the other. If one breaks away, you won´t have a complete picture. Other puzzle pieces might fit with some force, but it will always result in a crooked picture because it´s just not meant to be.

With that said:

I think it´s agony. Like a part of you is missing. A big part. Like, half your body, to be precise.

As for the sisters:

(yes, they do know what phones are, lmao)

(...valid question though)

Tanya would probably cope best. Or, well, she´d be the most convincing at pretending she´s alright. She´s a leader and, in my head, that´s like its "own" personality. If the situation calls for it, a switch is flipped in her head - topdog leader mode activated.

Ofc, the separation from her mate is more of a personal challenge and probably her biggest one yet. Also because it´s one she´s never had to face before meeting MC. But I still think she would handle it a lot better than her sisters...at least on the outside. Like I said, it´s like a switch being flipped, a "mental shield," if you will. She will put on a brave face, act like nothing´s out of the ordinary. She will do her damn best to function, because that´s what she always does in times of hardship. It´s what leaders do.

It might not be the healthiest way to cope with things, but it´s what she knows and feels comfortable with.

…Besides, you can bet your ass there´ll be at least 50 calls, 30 FaceTimes, and 250 messages per day.

A good leader always stays on top of things.

Kate is a lot softer than she lets on, so I think she´d actually struggle the most with being separated from her mate. She would probs try and avoid her family for the most part. As a former warrior, the last thing she wants is to be seen as "weak." Like with Tanya, it´s not the healthiest way to cope with it, but there´s still this thinking that feelings get you killed on the battlefield, y´know? There´s just some things and habits we can´t shake, no matter how hard we try. Kate being reluctant to show any kind of "weakness" in front of others is one such habit. She´s gotten a lot better at allowing and showing those feelings since meeting MC for sure, but when MC´s gone? I imagine she´d be quick to fall back into that spiral.

So yeah, you´ll probs find her in the woods, sparring with the trees or smt to get her mind off things, to distract herself from the immense distress she´s feeling over her mate being gone.

As for contacting her mate:

Hm...I´m actually torn on that one. On one hand, you have the battle-hardened warrior who refuses to show feelings. On the other hand, you have the moonstruck sap who turns into mush the moment her mate is involved in any shape or form.

With that said:

Kate would struggle with exactly that, lol. Like, it´s a constant inner battle between who she was and who she has become since meeting MC. So I can imagine her sitting somewhere, glaring at her phone, doing her best to keep herself from typing in those damn numbers or writing out that stupid message because warriors don´t show "weakness."

...She caves, eventually. And both she and MC are damn glad she did, that lovable dork.

Irina would cope better than Kate, but her struggles would still be more obvious because she doesn´t usually hide her feelings like Kate does. On the contrary, she pretty much wears her heart on her sleeve, which is also why she´s the only one (out of the sisters) who feels 100% comfortable with confiding in others about how she feels. She usually goes to Carmen when she seeks comfort or guidance, like pretty much everyone else in the coven, lol. So, when it comes to dealing with that pain, I´d say Irina defo has the healthiest way of doing it.

She also has the healthiest call/message count btw, lmao. She´s not as overbearing as Tanya (nobody is, lel), and also not as stone-faced as Kate. She gives a quick call or leaves a heartfelt message here and there, just checking in, y´know? Sometimes they´re short and sweet, other times they´re literal novels in which she proclaims her undying love over and over and over and over and over and-

...I mean, there are times where she just...she gets carried away a bit, which usually ends with her dropping everything to go and seek out her mate.

...Her mate, who went to the supermarket for a quick errand.

I mean, listen-

In the end, I think it all comes down to why the sisters have been separated from MC. They´ll probs cope a lot better if they know the separation is short-lived.

...Or maybe not, lol. *points to Irina*

.

.

.

Thanks a lot for your ask! Always stoked when those pop up in my inbox. 💋

#keepthethirstalive #keepthedenalisalive

[mezzy303]

The new one piece chapter has me spiraling sdjkfshf so here's a theory that crossed my mind and is becoming more plausible the more I think about it

Spoilers (obviously) under the cut

The tl;dr is: What if the world of One Piece has always had rising sea levels/sinking land? What if these natural events happen in an 800 year cycle? What if there was way more land (like the real world) before the formation of the World Govt?

I'm not gonna get into the details of why that is bc that is a different mind boggling discussion and it isn't really important here. But if there's always been that threat, it would explain so much about the Void Century and the True History.

As many people have already pointed out, the threat of the world sinking into the ocean explains why Noah was needed. It's a giant ship half the size of Fishmen Island that was meant to be raised to the surface, likely for the inevitable future where there's virtually no land above water. It could be that threat never happened at the end of the Void Century so Noah wasn't needed, but what if it did happen? This would suggest a huge event happened that caused sea levels to rise 800 years ago.

This ties into my next point, that the Great Kingdom was part of land that is now underwater. We've already seen that there's underwater ruins from Jinbe's cover story where Wadatsumi was throwing ruins onto an island, one such ruin being a poneglyph, meaning that kingdom (maybe the land that island was once part of) was either part of the Great Kingdom itself or allied with it. So it wouldn't be a stretch to consider that the Great Kingdom is also currently below the ocean. It would also have made it easier for the World Govt to completely erase the Kingdom from existence, since it was already underwater and inaccessible to most people other than Fishmen. I can't recall if any ruins that are Void Century old have been canonically shown, which would mean either they've been completely destroyed with nothing left, or the areas have been continuously lived in and renovated, or they're in the ocean and the majority of structures currently on land is younger than the Void Century AKA people moved to higher lands when sea levels rose. It could be all the above too! If the Great Kingdom was at risk of sinking, then Noah might have been meant to carry their displaced citizens.

If those during the Void Century knew sea levels would soon rise, it might have been the reason for all the turmoil that started the Great War. Conflicts over limited resources, about who will live and who will die, general fear and anxiety, things like that. The 20 kingdoms that eventually formed the World Govt might have been suspicious about how the Great Kingdom was using their resources and went to war with them. Maybe they were threatened by how much power the Great Kingdom had as they prepared for the natural disaster (ie. the ancient weapons and Noah; from what we know from Egghead, technology was incredibly advanced at the time). Maybe it was just all boiled down to wanting control over a terrifying situation.

If the land sinking into the ocean is a natural phenomenon, then Joy Boy's apology to the Fishmen and mentioning of his return would mean that the event would happen again. Maybe it happens in an 800 year cycle, which explains why Joy Boy (and those sea kings in the Fishmen Arc) knew that Noah was still needed and how he knew exactly when he'd return. It also explains why Rayleigh warned that if he told Robin about the Void Century when the Strawhats first arrived at Sabaody, she "wouldn't be able to do anything about it as she was then." I think I've always assumed this had to do with the formation of the World Govt and how to dismantle it, but it might actually be about how the world is sinking and through following the poneglyphs, one would find the way to save those in danger of being displaced. The Ohara scholars had discovered this, and now Vegapunk is continuing their legacy by making this info public.

And as I'm writing this, I'm realizing that if sea levels rise/land sinks in an 800 year cycle, this might be the "true history" of the world, or at least part of it considering Joy Boy's story made the Roger's Pirates laugh. But it certainly is important and relevant as the wikia site describes! But why would the World Govt try to hide this? I'm not entirely sure. Maybe for the sake of having control over information and thus having power over the world, but there could be so many other reasons. There's hints throughout the story that suggest they're still preparing for a world with almost no land though, such as the Tequila Wolf bridge that's supposed to connect islands together, and the fact that the founding monarchs moved their families to Mary Geoise on the Red Line. Law also stated in Punk Hazard that the Govt has been researching growth hormones to turn humans into giant soldiers, and they've been doing this for centuries. It's possible that the research was really for the capability to walk through parts of the ocean when there's no longer any land above water.

Anyway my brain is fried thinking about all these things lol. There's so many other factors to consider but I'll save that for a later time when I get more sleep sjdkfhsdk

[paracosmicparadox]

So, I'm falling back into the FFXV kick, and I have decided that I disapprove of how little complex character development Square Enix has given the guys?? Like where is the emotional depth beyond surface-level cutscene angst?? So I took matters into my own hands and have compiled a handy little list of headcanons / expanded canons that I think make sense.

Noctis: Has clinical insomnia and frequent lucid dreams (sorta a given, but bear w me bear w me)

Feels the weight of having to take so much on from such a young age much, much more than he lets on

Loves to argue

Would've been happier if he and Luna stayed as childhood best-buds rather than betrothed fiancés (controversial, ik, but it just didn't seem like he cared that much for her romantically to me?? Like he obviously cared about her, but it seemed like a really strong penpal vibe rather than a "We're-gonna-get-married-and-be-the-next-hotshot-couple" vibe. If you disagree, coolio, I'm not gonna debate w you on this one)

Has a natural sadness to his eyes regardless of what he's feeling

Went through an anime phase (possibly still in his anime phase, idk)

Social anxiety for the win

Severe RBF

Prefers tea over coffee (black tea is best---particularly lavender earl grey)

Can play the cello (practicing tho?? Don't know her)

Writes the most beautiful poetry when The Motivation™ strikes him (usually when he's home sick and half-delirious)

Prompto: Has ADHD and clinical anxiety, but is undiagnosed and doesn't take any meds for either of them.

Is legit like SO SMART, but can never focus, so not many people take any notice

Wears contact lenses (he had glasses as a child and I refuse to believe he had some high-tech corrective surgery to eliminate the need for them when lenses are cheaper and less risky)

Doesn't drink caffeine because it makes him jittery

Doesn't drive the Regalia when the guys are around because having other people in the car distracts him from the road. Also he tends to drive like a speed demon, which worries Ignis to no end.

Sunburns insanely easily

Could legit become a hitman if he wanted to with the amount of gun-knowledge he has. It doesn't matter what firearm you put in this boy's hand---pistol, SMG, sniper, rocket launcher, you name it. He can and will hit the target every single time.

Addicted to adrenaline

Pansexual

Has a lot of self-loathing (we see a bit of this in Ep. Prompto) and talks with an online therapist about it via text whenever his lows hit him. He's making great progress in learning how to heal and how to accept himself for who he is beyond the mask he wears for others

Ignis: More than a little bit of a control freak, and works very hard not to be too overbearing or critical about his friends' misgivings

Hypochondriac

Wants to protect everyone all the time and mentally kicks himself when he doesn't get there fast enough

Is SO PROUD of Noctis's journey and felt a stronger hatred towards Ardyn than anyone else in the group for what he forced Noct to go through (he stayed up at night sick to his stomach with hollow rage and baked nonstop to take his mind off of it)

Can verbally obliterate a man, but only rarely chooses to do so bc he's classy like that

After losing his eyes, he notices so much more beauty in the world than he used to (the sound of rain on the Regalia's roof, the specific gait of each of his friends, the smell of salt on the wind in Galdin Quay, the flawless feel of one specific silk tie he has in his repertoire, etc)

His internal compass is never wrong

Regularly takes antacids for his stomach

Has the straightest teeth you've ever seen

Demiromantic

Gladio: Hates being wrong: it's his way or the highway

Actually so much smarter than the musclehead jock front he puts up

A little vain and easily jealous (this man has a Jealous Face like no other)

Thunderstorms are his favorite; his ideal place to be is at a campsite, during a storm, with a well-worn book and a mug of Irish coffee in hand

Would throw himself in front of a bus for any one of his friends

Would beat up kids for the folks he cared about in middle school and spent the time he wasn't training to be a Crownsguard sitting in detention with the most unrepentant, smug, and-I'd-do-it-again look scrawled across his face

Can make a better smoothie than anyone (except maybe Iggy)

Spotify junkie

Had a dinosaur phase as a kid and can still name random facts about them whenever the opportunity presents itself

Avid technology-hater and only has a phone to make calls and join the others in playing King's Knight since they begged him so profoundly (he's sure the thing's going to be his downfall)

Gets most of Prompto's pop culture references

[kirkwall]

work rant so i don’t go insane

alright so for context im a software dev at a company that offers a web application to online store owners that helps automate some stuff among other features. nothing essential just sort of helpful. our founder sold almost all his shares to some fucking investment group that now keeps buying more companies that thematically work with ours to turn this into some big thing they can make even more money with. so i think u kinda get the idea why i fundamentally do not care about this company or the work we do or find it worthwhile. if this company disappeared tomorrow it wouldn’t matter in the slightest. ppl would be mildly inconvenienced for a short adjustment period and then it’d be as if the application never existed. also worth noting that there’s no office, we all work from home, it’s mostly flexible hours and a 30hr work week at full pay so u can also understand why I didn’t just quit at the first sign of unsatisfaction.

another thing for context is that i have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, autism that is only diagnosed unofficially by my psychiatrist/therapist, some sort of problem focusing (not sure if it’s adhd or connected to other health things who knows with this body) and just one physical health issue after another. which means my energy levels are usually at like 50% at most.

now my lack of motivation to spend what little energy i have all on work instead of my actual life, how often i spontaneously get sick and my procrastination due to trouble focusing sometimes leads to me not finishing things on time or handing in half-assed results.

it’s been like this for over a year now but until today no one said anything. and the call today was mostly triggered by two projects i handed over to my supervisor in a half-assed state bc I didn’t get them done well in time before my vacation. but instead of telling me personally and outright he set up this call with him and our team lead. my team lead kept saying how i don’t have any „drive“ (ur right I don’t!) and how it’s on me to communicate faster if im gonna miss a deadline and need help and to find the motivation to „hand in the best possible work I can“ and to stay on top of all technology news that concern our team and make sure my knowledge is up to par.

now the thing is. they’re not really wrong in what they’re saying it’s just that there’s nothing that will ever make me care about this work or motivate me to do it. i will never want to use what little energy i have on work instead of my personal life. i will never be able to comfortably communicate with anyone there. i don’t care how often they say i can say whatever i want to without getting in trouble, i will always still worry about getting in trouble or others thinking im stupid and lazy. i will never care about any of these technology topics or be excited to do this ultimately meaningless job.

but i don’t know how to explain my health issues to them if barely any of it is properly diagnosed. so i don’t know how to make them understand that i can’t give it 100%. this call today was already hell bc I could barely speak full sentences for fear of breaking into sobs and then not being able to stop. i always start crying when i have to talk about my health bc it’s a scary and sensitive topic for me.

i want to quit more than anything. but i have this fundamental issue with all software dev jobs. it is so ultimately meaningless. im not giving back anything worthwhile to other people. if anything it fuels climate change. i would love to get back into biology but lab jobs do not exist here. at all. i don’t have it in me to get another degree. i don’t think my body can handle an exhausting 40hr shift job and doing part time would mean i make so little money that i won’t be able to move out and i really can’t live with my parents much longer without losing my mind. so now im just. stuck. and i feel like if i quit without anything new lined up i will end up in a hole I’ll never get out of. i don’t know what to do.

[vacantgodling]

🎀🍬 for Hya bc those are too funny lol

DHDJDJRJRJRJJ his worst nightmare in 2 questions

🎀 Opening birthday presents in front of others, being sang to when given their cake, etc.

of the two, hya is more comfortable dealing with being in a celebratory crowd. it’s one of the many “wifely duties” in paramour — ie: managing the social scene and he’s been taught well by tagetes. i’m actually Not Sure what birthday traditions galeré has and that’s something interesting to think about but focusing on how we do birthdays TM his patience is so thin. like he’s not a huge fan of sweets but being sung to already makes him 😒—let alone when people start to tell him to blow out the candles JSSJSJ the only way he would is if aloe asked him to 💀 he also hates opening presents in front of others because He Will Judge you. if he thinks it’s a bad present he’d be all “and who the fuck bought this” and throw it out in front of you probably BDJDRJJ best bet is to just give him money fr he’s so picky and very few can get him to Not Complain about a present. (and before you think amon, it’s not. the only person who can consistently get hya presents he likes is tagetes which pisses him off SO MUCH LMAOOOOO)

so long story short: he hates it 💀

🍬 Being put in charge of a couple rowdy kids

i’m actually gonna hijack this question to talk about the kids hya canonically has in his life aka, lavendula’s children. viola (10), barbatus (9) and rumex (6). viola (similarly to her mother lowkey) is very taken by hya’s air and mannerisms and has heard so much about him from aloe that she can’t help but want to be around him and be like him which. baffles hya greatly. whenever they’re in the same room she’s always trying to talk his ear off and it is SUUUUCH an exercise in patience for him. she does kind of win him over (aided by hya moving away and marrying amon pff) because she loves books and as mentioned, hya also likes books. so when he realizes that she can have an intelligent conversation about books and themes in literature he warms up to her more (well, as much as he can being himself).

barbatus however is a different story and is more of the rambunctious type that the questions talking about 💀💀 he’s proud and hard headed and defiant but is still yknow. a child. so he gets in over his head and whines and cries when shit happens and hya is exhausted with him immediately. especially bc barbatus is more of the roughhousing type and hya is having Literally None Of That. he tends to talk back and that pisses hya off so he usually dumps barbatus onto someone else’s hands (later in life onto amon mostly) bc he can’t deal with that shit LMAO.

rumex he doesn’t quite know what to do with and similarly rumex doesn’t know what to do with him. bc rumex has always been sickly their social skills are under developed and they have a lot of separation anxiety from lavendula. they also got the worst of their father’s abuse, so they see hya as kind of similar (authoritative figure) and keep their distance. hya doesn’t care either way but it’s something that distresses lavendula;;;

and under a cut i’ll put some actual prose regarding hya and the kids PFF. idk if or where this would fit in anywhere but it’s a good explore to who he is:

“It was very kind of you to invite us to your residence, Hyacinthus.” Lavendula folded her fan with delicate fingers and curtsied.

“Tagetes insisted.” Hyacinthus eyed the younglings gathered close to their mother’s skirts, and gave his half-sister a stare that would resemble one you’d give a particularly irritating mule. “Though, I don’t recall you mentioning you’d be bringing the—”

“Your niece was desperate to see you, and I needed to get the boys out of the house. For fresh air.” Lavendula replied breezily, and Hyacinthus regarded the young girl grasping her hand with a blank stare. She looked up at him shyly, wiggling her fingers in what could be discerned as a passable wave, then tucked her face back against her mother’s purple gown. The taller, older of the boys, that stood astride his mother with his chest poked out, piped up: “Do you have a garden Uncle Hya?”

“Barbatus, manners.” Lavendula scolded gently. The boy looked back at his mother, confused. “What? He is Uncle Hya right? Why can’t I call him that?”

“Don’t be bull headed.” Lavendula looked back to Hyacinthus, seeming to beg him with her eyes. “Do you happen to have a garden that the boys can play in.” She paused. “... Preferably one with a gate.” Hyacinthus snapped his fingers and a maid standing idly by the door snapped to attention. With his wave, she quickly scurried over.

“Yes, my lord?”

“See the children out to the inner courtyard. Make sure they don’t kill themselves.”

“Hyacinthus…”

“Isn’t that what children do when left to their own devices?” Hyacinthus gave a listless shrug, and the maid, happy to be dismissed from his presence, quickly took both his niece and his nephew’s hands, then with Barbatus trailing along, headed out towards the courtyard.

[emoboy07]

sorry to vent on main, but i dont wanna do it on discord bc i use that venting channel too much and i dont have any friends to vent to in dms so its going here. it got pretty long so i put it under the cut

so i had to quit my job recently bc of my sleep disorder (among a few other reasons but thats the main problem rn) and i do online school so the only time i ever really leave the house is for doctors appointments. i dont even really have any irl friends at this point bc the only one i had hasnt messaged me in like a month other than to respond to a tiktok i sent and i dont even know how to start a conversation if i tried to message them. we used to be so close several people literally thought we were dating. theyve been my only irl friend for like a year atp. i also havent really been on discord that much (outside of venting and occasionally going into chat to say hi) so i havent talked to my online friends a lot lately either. what im trying to say is i basically have no friends atm and no social interaction outside of family and the very few interactions ive had on tumblr. which for family is also less than usual bc of my fucked up sleep schedule, and im not out to them yet so they always misgender and deadname me. i literally just want a friend, preferably irl bc im not good at talking over text and i prefer actually hanging out with people over just talking over text. but i dont go anywhere and none of the people my age in my town would even be friends with me, as proven by the several years of public school that i went with at the most four friends, one of which i recently found out didnt even like me in the first place, she was just there for the other two people in that friend group. not to mention my literally non-existent love life, i havent dated anyone in my almost 18 years of life, it would be nice to have a bf. or honestly anyone atp im not even gonna be picky about it. but again, no one in my town has liked me enough to be my friend so looks like thats not happening anytime soon. and i probably wont be able to move out anytime soon bc of my health issues. i dont have a job rn and wont be able to at least until my sleep disorder is figured out bc i cant wake up to an alarm so i cant guarantee ill be awake to go to work at any given moment. i cant make appointments on my own unless i can do it online, i genuinely cannot do phone calls. and i cant drive bc of my sleep disorder, anxiety, and slow processing speed. i dont think ill ever be able to tbh. and there is very little public transport in or around my town so being able to drive is kind of a necessary thing if i were to live on my own. also i have at least one surgery coming up, probably more but idk if theyre going to want to do my other knee or not depending on whether they find anything wrong in this one and idk when ill be getting top surgery so i need someone who can take care of me for those. and i cant drive so if i wanted to do anything/had anything going on, it has to be scheduled at certain times so i can get a ride from either my mom or my brother. i dont even think my town has uber or anything, and even if it did i cant really afford that rn. and i live in a small town with absolutely nothing so if i want to do anything other than get overpriced groceries or go to a dollar store its at least a half hour drive

[knizmokat]

Life Update !!

this is so overdue but i've been crazy busy with college stuff (agh)

okay so you guys (probably) know that i'm in college getting a bachelors in social care and this whole semester (plus my second semester of third year) is work experience/placement.

for the americans and anyone else who doesn't know what that is: work experience is when students get a part-time or full-time job during the semester and shadow staff or professionals to get experience in their field.

my course has two work experience blocks, so i'm on placement for my entire first semester of second year (which is right now) and then also the entire second semester of third year, so i don't have any classes or lectures until January. we have to log 400 hours by the 6th of December so it's roughly 30 or 35 hours a week, for twelve weeks.

i started on the 9th of September and i'm working at a day service (or centre) for people with intellectual disabilities and mental health struggles (mostly the former). and it's actually pretty chill! my schedule is below

Mon to Thurs: 8.30 - 4.30

Wednesday: 8.30 - 12.30

Friday: 8.30 - 3.00

the place where i work always gives students a half-day so they can get more time for college work and lemme tell you, i was so hyped when i found this out because i thought it would be nine to five, monday to friday.

so like i said, it's been really chill, but adjusting to the new work routine has been really difficult because i finish at 4.30 but i don't actually get home until 5.00 and then i have to change and do stuff and it's been a little messy—but we're settling !!

the place is really chill, the service users (that's what the official term is for people who are involved with the social care sector) are all pretty nice. the majority of them are much older than me though, which is a little weird sometimes because i'm essentially in this position of leadership and 'authority' and telling a man who is a few decades older than me to go have his lunch 💀💀

the adjustment, again, has been a struggle because i've never had to create a work/life balance for myself? like when i'm at work i have to be present and focused, so i was on social media wayyy less and literally didn't message some of my friends for days outside of sending Instagram reels 💀 but like i said, i'm finally settling and finding some balance

my supervisor is also really cool, she's very flexible when it comes to missing days and says that i can make the hours whenever, like if i see an opportunity then i take it (if you don't have 400 hours logged by december, you fail placement) and she's always making sure that i'm comfortable and stuff because they haven't had a transgender student working for them before lol

outside of that uhhh not much? has happened?? i've gone through a lot of growth since August and i'm not really sure how it happened but like i'm just more confident now and i'm more comfortable in my sexuality (or should i say asexuality haha) and i've come to terms with a lot of things, been dealing with my anxiety really well (but i also got stress sick this last week because of procrastination and executive dysfunction kicking my ass)

also i got back into roleplaying bc my friend has this server and oh my God it's so good, i went ages without getting to roleplay anything because i didn't really have any partners (excluding reygn yes i see you gorgeous) and just ahh

also i'm back into anime, finally continued my hero academia and restarted jujutsu kaisen, slow going though because i'm fixating on other things simultaneously but holy shit mha season six?? goddamn

but uhh yeah so that's been my life :)

i have two fics in the works but when i'll get those finished is anybodys guess, could be next week could be next year, who knows lmao

i'm gonna try to post more on here—and i mean actually post not just reblogging shit lol

feel free to ask me whatever or leave stuff in my askbox

[bisamwilson]

hey sweetheart, how are you? hope you’re doing well and having a wonderful day 🩷💖

for the ask game: 💫 💞 💥 ☯️ 🧿

hello love!!! hope you are too!!! <3

(from this list)

💫: what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

oh i ADORE when people leave those long comments that mention/react to specific parts of the fic/chapter that they loved/want to speculate on/etc. like if i get a comment notification email and i see like a block of text or multiple paragraphs it keeps me going for WEEKS afterwards!!! obviously all (positive) comments are appreciated, but those are always my very favorite

💞: what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

the characters! i've talked with a-chan about this a bunch recently, actually, especially since i write so many aus, and my general metric for how successful and AU is is if you recognize the characters even though they're in completely different situations. like that's the metric for me if i've written a successful fic, if the characters are believably themselves no matter what situation i've written them in, canon or otherwise (which leads me to another favorite au-specific comment, which is when someone compliments me on characterization or on how i work specific plot points into a ficverse separate from canon!)

there are certain fics however that i wanted to have Certain Vibes™, so in those cases the figurative language was also very important to me (the angel/demon au comes to mind here). and given i was kind of forcibly made editor in chief of my high school paper when i was still a Young Mak, i'm ngl and say grammar isn't also very important to me lmao. i'm always in awe of other people's fics with amazing worldbuilding, but i think that matters to me the least. it's why i love the LOTR movies but the books weren't my favorite. couldn't handle that much worldbuilding (sorry, tolkien)

💥: find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

my least kudos'd fic is it's raining on prom night, which is unsurprising, given it's a samriley prequel to a sambucky au.

i do really love this fic tho! getting to write high school aged sam in sweet puppy love with his childhood best friend was so much fun, and i loved getting to dig deeper into who sam was before we got into the actual au proper. i also really loved the way i wrote this exchange, specifically bc i think i did a pretty good job of establishing the kind of banter, relationship, and history they have despite it being such a short fic that takes place way into their knowing each other (and even dating each other)

“A gift is a nice way of putting it,” Riley replies, laughing. “That flower was half-dead and I’d given it to you specifically because my mama was gonna kill me if I ruined another one of her bouquets and you were the nearest person to me. Also we were five, but if you want to consider that the start of my long game to get you to date me, I’ll accept the status of romantic mastermind.” Sam laughs, grabbing the Swiss army knife out of his pocket that Peggy would kill him for having at a diplomatic event and cutting down a bloom to hand to Riley. “You were some kind of mastermind, all right. Your mama would’ve yelled at anybody else, but I was the new kid and the pastor’s son, so I got a free pass that day. Everybody went home happy, and I accidentally landed myself a troublemaker best friend.” Riley makes sure the partial stem is free of thorns and tucks the rose behind Sam’s ear. “Everybody went home happy except my mama, you mean.” “Well, that’s a given. Her poor roses.”

☯️: how do you think engaging with each other through tumblr, twitter, comments, kudos, creates healthy fandom experiences? How do you deal with that if you're not a social person/experience social anxiety?

this is,,, a complicated question. on the one hand, i've developed some really great fandom friendships i never would have otherwise if i hadn't started writing (i've always been a lurker before now, and while i had some mutuals i was fond of, they were never people i'd seek out for conversation, much less go visit/have them come visit me!) on the other hand, there are some really toxic people in fandom, and publishing your own work opens you up to a lot of vulnerability when those people don't play so nicely, especially when you imbue a lot of yourself into your work through the characters, or your time, or even in some cases your experiences. it also can lead to the trap i found myself falling into last year, which is that since so many of my fandom friends came bc i was writing, i feared i'd lose them all when i stopped writing. obviously this hasn't happened even as my output has slowed dramatically (early 2022 mak would probably be horrified to know i haven't published anything in like five months), but that was a legitimate worry i had, and it was. very bad on my mental health. so it's all about striking that balance of finding friends and community but doing so in a way that like,,, doesn't leave you having anxiety attacks and major bouts of horrible self esteem over your own fics and writing ability at the end of it all

🧿: what steps do you take to not take things personally if a fic doesn't do well, or if your writing/posting/sharing experience isn't going how you'd like it to?

this goes back a lot to my previous answer which is just like. setting those own clear boundaries in my head that this is a hobby that i enjoy doing for myself and also bc i have wonderfully supportive friends, and like at this point i've published enough fics that i'm comfortable telling people off if they're shitty on them, tho thankfully there haven't been many instances (i am, however, forever haunted by an earlier fic i wrote where someone commented something along the lines of "i was kinda hoping [x thing that i didn't write] would happen but of course what you did was good too" and i wasn't confident enough to be like "hey what the fuck. this was kinda rude, friend. go write your own fic????")

basically if the response is negative, then either i learn if there's something to be learned, or if not, i tell them to go eat shit bc i know my value (@ peggy carter thank u for this wonderful piece of wisdom that has gotten me through many years of self doubt), or if the response is just lacking, then i brush it off bc i know that my fics 1) make me happy and 2) make a lot of my friends happy too. even if the fic doesn't do well, if i've just got one person gushing about how much they love it, well, that's someone else in this world i've made happy by doing something i enjoy, and that's enough :)

[blackacre13]

Prompt: O8 team fic where they’re all together and someone has the bright idea to suggest they do an escape room. you’ve got the two that think they’re absolute masterminds like debbie and lou. nine ball who knew the layout before hand bc hacking and just wants to watch the chaos. tammy and daphne with very strong and differing opinions on what they should do. rose who noticed what the correct answers were and the rest who don’t come to that very same conclusion 5 min later. amita who’s just having fun and trying to make it so that all of them and the building make it out in one piece. and constance, who thinks how different can it be from mission impossible and is the one to stand on furniture when it’s clearly not needed.

“So it’s a heist.”

“Nope,” Nine sighed. “Definitely not a heist.”

Debbie merely rolled her eyes in return, spinning to her wife for backup. 

“But it’s still a con?” Lou asked, arching an eyebrow. Tammy rolled her eyes as she watched Lou wink at the brunette. 

“Yep,” Tammy nodded, throwing her hands up in the air before she grabbed the bottle of red from the middle of the coffee table. “You’ve got it. It’s a con. A whole damn heist. That you pay for. Ticketed entry to a damn con,” she shook her head, throwing back a fair amount of the bottle as Constance watched with her mouth open and Daphne cracked a rare approving smile. 

“But it’s a competition?” Debbie asked, both she and Lou’s bodies seeming to move forward with interest adjacent to each other, like they could sniff out the prospect of a job. Half of the group found it laughable while the other half was admittedly slightly concerned. 

“They’re relentless,” Tammy grumbled, holding the bottle up in the air. “Someone bring me another.”

“Absolutely not,” Amita frowned, snatching the bottle from her as she slid a water bottle into her hands. “But I do think we need an outing! It’s like an ice breaker.”

“Dear, I think the Met was enough of an ice breaker as it were,” Rose shuddered, her face full of sheer anxiety just at the thought. 

“Come back to us, Rosie,” Daphne murmured, snapping gently near her until Rose turned to her with a faint blush coating her cheeks, certainly looking calmer. 

“You know it’s just like finding keys and shit, right?” Nine confirmed, folding a slice of pizza down the middle before dangling it above her mouth. 

“That’s cold,” Tammy sighed, rubbing at her temples. 

“So? You never ate pizza for dinner?”

“It’s ten thirty at night,” Tammy protested. 

“I’m already dreading this,” Daphne groaned, snatching Lou’s abandoned sleep mask from the poker table and disappearing behind it.

“I knew they’d love this shit,” Constance grinned. “You’re welcome. I figure we can go next weekend—“

“Or we can go right now,” Debbie smirked, jumping up from her place, before looking back down at the blonde. “Let’s make this bet.”

“Ease up, Danny.”

“That’s disgusting,” Debbie rolled her eyes. “Come on, Louise. Do better.”

“I did,” Lou hissed, her hand sneaking up Debbie’s back as she stood up beside her. “I married the hotter Ocean didn’t I?” She winked.

“Thought you weren’t supposed to gamble if you did AA,” Nine coughed.

“Well, I don’t often bring stories about the bedroom into that circle,” Lou grinned, tucking a piece of hair behind Debbie’s ear as the brunette shuddered.

“The two of you are disgusting,” Tammy yelled.

“Yeah, yeah, get a new line, Tam,” Constance booed. “We ride at dawn! Let’s do this shit. Team Mom versus Team dad.”

“Like hell that’s gonna happen,” Daphne groaned, the mask still covering her eyes, legs now up on the back of the couch as Rose apparently now painting her toenails.

“Oh? You want them on the same team then?” Amita frowned. “You want to go up against them both?”

“Beats some twisted little sex game where they try to get each other off by beating the clock in an escape room,” Daphne sighed. “Actually,” she grinned, sliding one eye out from under the mask. “Maybe this could go very differently. If they’re too distracted by eye Fucking each other or Deb gets too claustrophobic in some tiny room—“

“No prison jokes, Daph,” Tammy warned.

“I didn’t go there,” Daphne beamed. “You did, Tamathan.”

“Tamathan?” Tammy mouthed, looking between Lou and Debbie.

“Let’s go,” Lou growled, marching towards the door.

“They’re not even open,” Amita groaned. “We can go tomorrow if you two need to go so badly. My god. I mean if you miss it so much, why don’t you just—“

“Do not encourage the two of them,” Tammy warned her, shooting her a glare.

“Too late,” Debbie grinned, following the blonde to the door, grabbing Lou’s spare helmet from the coat rack. “Don’t wait up kids. We’ll see you tomorrow, bright and early. Get ready to go down.”

“Shouldn’t you be saying that to me?” Lou chuckled, biting at Debbie’s neck before she dipped out the door, Debbie chasing her down the hall.

“The Fuck are they gonna do?” Constance yawned. “Steal sex toys?”

“That’s exactly what they’re going to do,” Daphne yawned in return. “Keep up, sour patch kid.”

Luckily, the majority of the crew was behind closed doors as Debbie and Lou stumbled in, cracking up and making out as they made their way up the steps. Nine was convinced they’d forget all about their plans and the crew would have to pry a grumbling Lou Miller out of bed well past noon, but they were surprised and rather irritated to find Debbie and Lou running around the kitchen, scream-singing to Fleetwood Mac, putting a breakfast spread out on the table. They might as well have been wearing war paint.

“Morning, pansies,” Debbie spoke through a mouth full of bagel, crumbs flying everywhere as Lou handed her a napkin, not even currently looking at her as she scrambled eggs on the stove. “We looked up the record. Fastest time is 48 minutes for the 1 hour room. So I say we go for thirty.”

“I said 40, but you know Deb wasn’t having that,” Lou shrugged.

“Did you two even sleep?” Amita asked, hiding behind a mug of coffee.

“No,” the duo replied in unison with a laugh. 

“Eat up, bitches,” Lou yelled, clapping her hands together. “We’ve got twenty minutes and then we’re out of there. And so nobody complainssssss again. There’s no teams. Just the gang. One group. One con. One goal.”

“You know there’s no getaway driver for this right?” Nine checked. “Isn’t that usually your jam?”

“Fuck you, eight ball,” the blonde sneered, but she was grinning as she chucked a piece of toast at the other woman, who caught it above her head.

It turned out, that regardless of whether Debbie and Lou thought they’d found a new hobby, they wouldn’t be allowed back at that particular location. Any of them. 

Lou and Debbie received various warnings about lewd conduct over the speaker system. Debbie was penalized for destroying parts of the room and ‘finding’ things that weren’t actually hidden or to be looked for. Tammy and Daphne ended up flipping over and breaking an antique table over an argument as to who figured out the clue first. Rose was surprisingly good at finding clues, but was too terrified to speak, Amita nudging her to pipe up half the time. Amita kept bringing Lou and Debbie random parts of the room that had absolutely no role in the game like air fresheners and decor. And Nine was cracking her gum in the corner, sitting on top of a dresser, laughing at the women as they fell backwards into trap walls and floor panels opened as she made sound effects, knowing which were traps and which weren’t.

“I miss the birthday party runts,” the guy working the front sighed, laying his head down on the counter as Debbie slid him a couple of twenties for the damage.

“Sorry about the wall,” Lou shrugged. “I got a little…angry someone beat me to the last clue. I can get you all the free drinks you want a few blocks over though.

“Hey, what was the time?” Tammy asked suddenly. “Not…not that I want to know.”

“Seriously?” He asked, muttering a curse. “You all broke the timer like three minutes in. Fuck if I know.”

“Oops,” Debbie giggled, slipping the wallet out of Lou’s back pocket and sliding a few fifties across the counter.

[slu-tea-ftm]

not about kinks or stuff. don't answer if don't want to) bro, what was it like taking t or getting top surgery early? In my country we can only take hormones and get surgery at 18 years old. I spent my entire adolescence anxious for it. like. give me that testo, government.

I'm always happy to get asks, kinky or not!! This is gonna be long, so strap in lol

And I never mind talking about my journey, because I know it's not really the "norm," even in trans culture.

Honestly, it never really hit me exactly how early I was allowed to get hormones and surgery until a year or so ago when I was thinking back on it. It didn't feel early to me. It felt like everything was timed just right, but looking back, yeah, it was pretty early.

For a while, I just wanted the social change. Cut my hair, change my name, and change my clothes. Boom. Done. I was fine with that for a year or two (I was 11-12 when I came out). I actually cried when I got my hair cut, and my stylist was concerned that she'd upset me. Nope! I was just so happy that she cut my hair! She still cuts my hair to this day and says that I'm a completely different person (/pos).

But then I started feeling like it wasn't enough. I wanted to fit in more with The Guys (side note: I never really did, even after all the hormones and surgery bc these guys knew me since elementary and most were bigoted assholes). So we went to my doctor to try getting hormones. That took, I think, a year and a half or so? Still a pretty short time frame. At one point, I was wearing a binder and a back brace because I have scoliosis, R.I.P. my ability to b r e a t h e.

But we got it! And I was fine with that by itself, too! Until around my sophomore(?) year in high school. I always changed in the nurse's office because it was embarrassing changing with anyone else—boys or girls. So I brought up trying to get top surgery to my mom (shout out to her for being so supportive during my whole transition, gods I love my mom). By junior year, I got my tits yeeted, and I was changing with the boys in P.E. Other than locker rooms, P.E. was co-ed, so there was no "boys on this side, girls on that side" that I can remember.

Obviously, I never fit in with The Guys, and I didn't want to fit in with The Girls (even though many of my friends were girls). But I felt comfortable in my body, at least. It felt more like myself.

I don't regret any of it, even if it all did happen quite young. I got plenty of warnings from doctors and my therapists, and my mom and I had to jump through a ton of hoops to get where we did. I'm really grateful that I got everything when I did, because it probably saved me a lot of depression and anxiety I would've had now.

Even though I got approved for T "early," by medical and societal standards, I basically had to go through puberty twice lol. Because I had already gotten periods and experienced breast growth (not much, thankfully), acne, etc. And then I got testosterone and my voice was cracking a lot while it changed, my fat redistributed through my body, I think I gained more muscle?? hard to tell bc I was never really strong to begin with, my hairline receded quite a bit 🥲, and all those usual things associated with cis guy puberty....including being constantly horny. Gods, that was awful. Wet boxers every day, all the time, it was so awkward.

As for top surgery, that was the only part I was actually scared about. Not because I was anxious about regretting the surgery or the cost of it or anything like that. Just because I have trauma when it comes to people doing things to me while I'm unconscious (or so they thought). That was the only scary part. That, and the IV going in me bc I had this weird fear that if I moved my hand, then the needle would break out of my vein, into my body, and kill me or smth :)

Other than that, the surgery part was easy! Recovery took a while and sucked, especially the rules:

Don't lift more than (I think it was) 5 lbs

Don't raise your arms over your head

No showering for the next few days after surgery

Massage the skin once to twice a day (my hand hurt a lot after this part)

Don't pick at the scabs

I think that's all there was...

Now, I easily pass as a cis guy to most strangers. One of my favorite things to do is see how people react when they find out I'm trans lol. Because they never expect it! And then I show them a picture of me before transitioning, and they're like, "😲 That's you?!"

"Yep :)"

I know most people are afraid of being outed as trans, but for me I'm just like, "Look at how far I've come!!" It's not really a touchy subject for me. As long as someone is genuinely curious and not asking super invasive questions <3

[alsahm]

i want to make a post about this actually.

this post talks about weed, cops, panic, hospitals, and suicide.

i have diabetes, chronic pain, PTSD, anxiety, and depression. i take edibles sometimes to make life more tolerable. i tried a new one friday night bc the long weekend would give me time to recover if it was too strong. hurt my neck carrying something and felt searing, burning pain throughout my entire body, so i figured it was time for bed.

my heart rate was insane and i literally felt the world caving in on me. i thought my right side was becoming paralyzed. i thought i was dying. i recited the shahada. called my partner, who was two hours away, and he asked if i needed to call 911. i said yes. i called..

okay, i needed to go outside. should I take my bag? i can't find it. where is my cat? oh, i should close the door so she doesn't accidentally leave the house...

on the phone, my partner tells me to take square breaths. i go, "A-B-C-D — no, that's wrong, ا - ب - ت, no —"

i go outside. cops showed up first. i explain.

"yeah, you're high. you should just go inside and go to sleep. who are you talking to?"

i am high, so the world is sort of lagging around me, but i know that's not what this is. but now i'm embarrassed. why did i have to do this now, on a day when he is so tired? but he would never say that, i'm sick, why am i -

"i feel like i'm dying. i'm really scared. my partner - he's driving up from kansas city."

"okay, well the hospital can't do anything for you. you're just high and need to ride it out. have you ever taken delta 8 before?"

"i know - but - i'm so scared - " this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

"you're high. he has 10 seconds to decide whether you want to go to the hospital or not. the ambulance is on its way."

"what? do you need my consent or something?" this is. the worst thing. that has ever happened to me.

"they're not gonna do anything. do you want to go?"

"yes."

they shame me more. eventually i get on an ambulance and i'm crying. they're taking me to a hospital i haven't heard of before. out-of-network?

my vitals are fine except my heart rate is 140. and my BP is high. and i won't stop crying.

"how much did you take?"

"i don't know, half of one, this big. the packet is in my desk if you want to see."

they don't. seems like it's not even that much. at least the paramedics aren't laughing at me. we go to the hospital.

"have you taken marijuana before?"

"yes - this is different, i -"

"you're just gonna have to ride it out, okay?"

sluggishly, i think of the knife in my kitchen. i wonder, "did i try to kill myself?"

my glucose is high. 300 something. they say i should follow up with my primary care.

is this really happening? where is my partner? i am pinching myself and it hurts. i tell the doctors that everything, everything hurts and i'm so tired and so so scared. this is 10/10 pain. please, please help me. i'm so scared.

the hospital is one i've never been to, so they don't have any records on me. they get my name wrong. they don't ask for a personal contact. no one asks me what meds i'm taking. no PHQ9. if you're curious, 24. i'm tapering down venlafaxine. just stopped mirtazapine. just tapered off guanfacine. prazosin for screaming nightmares, oh, god, is this one? where is my partner? what is happening to me? did i try to kill myself?

i. was. having. a panic attack.

you can be high and have a panic attack. in fact it's common!

you can be trying a new drug regiment and have a panic attack. also well-documented!

your drugs can interact with each other.

you can just have a panic attack.

i was home alone and thought i was dying and called 911 like every search, paper, phone answering service, etc., told me to do.

the doctors said, "technically, this is an overdose. we are going to give you an IV to get your heart rate down, okay?"

okay. okay. is this really happening? when that door opens and my partner will finally be there, that is when i will know this is reality. that is when i will feel safe and everything will stop spinning.

my phone is ringing somewhere? don't know where it is though...

he's here.

oh, god, he is here, and i'm sobbing. and he is holding me, and i am so tired, no one is listening to me here, and no one even told him where i was so he went to a different ER first, and on his way here a cop pulled him over because he was speeding, and, oh my god, i was so, so scared, i love you, you were worried about me, you're not mad, i thought i tried to kill myself and i couldn't—

he is so mad at the cops, at the doctors. he loves me so much. i am safe i am safe i am safe.

finally, time to go home. doctor says again, your glucose is high, follow up with your primary care. here's where you can get one of those. and get that pain looked into.

they don't ask him my medical history either. he has access to an entire document i set up just in case of this situation.

okay, sure. of course that's not something i'm already doing or anything, right? i'm an amateur weed-haver.

After Visit Summary®.

reason for visit: anxiety.

diagnosis: cannabis overdose.

if you ever have thoughts of suicide, tell yourself not to do it. call 911 if it gets bad.

this hospital is out of network. will they cover this emergency visit i consented to? idk. will i lose my job because i was diagnosed with weed during a severe panic attack and pain flare-up? who knows.

do i have any trust in our emergency medical system as a chronically physically and mentally ill person? no.

[pinkspiraling]

venting about childhood trauma and how i’m still living in it

i wish i could go around and ask people what it was like to get in trouble in their house bc idk if my experience was wack or not bc when i start to explain it i’m like hmmm…that seems normal. but then maybe not? like they’d take our phones and look through them once they knew we had done something Bad, which means they usually found something else on the phone to be mad about. and then they wouldn’t yell but they’d be angry and disappointed yk and they always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend why we couldn’t just do the right thing! like why did we mess up and do something not good! why! it always felt like an over reaction i guess, they’d have lots of punishments which were always no phone, no electronics or tv, no friends, have to see a christian counselor, have to go to bible study more often/consistently, have to read my bible. etc. when i got caught for drinking i had 11 punishments and they only carried out like half of them. idk i feel silly cause it’s like yeah i got grounded…i messed up and got grounded and my parents were disappointed in me just like every other teenager to ever exist. so why tf was it so traumatizing like holy fuck it was traumatizing it was soooo anxiety inducing all the time to think you might get in trouble any second and you couldn’t control the reaction you’d get and you couldn’t control the punishments, you couldn’t control how they felt about it. like sure if you just lay out what happened it’s maybe not that bad, but i felt so much true fear towards them all the time and i just wonder if that’s not the normal way to feel about your parents. when i would get in trouble i always felt horrible and wanted forgiveness immediately bc i was scared they would stop loving me (like they did with my sister!) and i’m just fucking mad honestly that now i’m like this! like i constantly feel on edge like someone is going to get me in trouble and it’s going to be bad! i feel like someone is waiting to hate me or be disappointed in me and any minute i’m gonna have punishments and angry people who are More Worthy than me who don’t understand why i couldn’t just be good! i don’t wanna deal with this i don’t want to feel like every person is my mom and i’m 7. it’s stupid cause it’s not even actually about feeling 7. i just never stopped feeling that way, its like i know that’s where it started and then it just couldn’t stop. i never learned that getting in trouble or messing up wasn’t a bad thing that people would hate you for. there was no room for error and now i’ve continued that expectation for myself which is crazy! like i am literally just a person i am not a hero, there is no god that wants me to make him happy. i am just a person who is living and it is hard and sometimes idk what i’m doing. i can’t keep being this hard on myself i just won’t be able to survive this way. i am so cruel and so unfair to myself and i give myself so many punishments and ive just been feeling like yeah but at least it’s me! at least it’s mine and i get to say when im in trouble and for what. at least there is control but idk i don’t want it i want to fuck up on accident and forgive myself. i want to fuck up on purpose and forgive myself bc i’m sure i had reasons and now i’ve learned it. life is just learning shit, wtf am i doing trying to be Good. worst part is, my mom would still freak out and overreact if she found out…anything from my actual life lmao. i hate that i still live in that fear! although now it is small and in my hands i can simply squash it because it comes from nothing true. it comes from people who should’ve done better for my younger self and i’m ready to kill it. anyways the original question is basically when other people got grounded did it feel like god ripped you out of the universe and wailed in his disappointment and then threw you back into your house with all the rage still there or no?