#no actually what made it a billion times worse was her TAKING ME TO THE WRONG DOCTOR

[sovaharbor]

piss

[stuckybangs]

Thank you to all the participants in this year's reverse bang! We're thrilled to present the incredible 34 collaborations in this round! From the artists, to authors, to betas, pinch hitters and cheerleaders, we thank you all for being a part of this year's bang!

Under the cut you'll find all the collaborations from this year. Enjoy!

Touch Me and You'll Never Be Alone [not rated, wip] art by @metalbvcky written by @hanitrash

Bucky is barely managing to get by on his own, but is proud of the small, safe life he's created for himself. He's even content to thirst in secret over the insanely hot older man that recently moved to the area. But when a popped tire and an early season winter storm combine to throw their paths together, Bucky's carefully constructed life is about to get flipped upside down.

hold my body (hold my breath) [Teen, 2/2, 16k] art by @alwaysabrighterdarkness written by @teenytabris

“You were born in a storm. On a rocking boat, too. Maybe that’s where all this started,” his ma had said, kissing his head and rocking him in her arms. “Demanded to come into the world in an in-between place. Couldn’t wait to get to America,” she joked. Steve didn’t know what that meant, but he did know that even imagining a boat out there, getting tossed by waves, made him feel ill enough that even looking at the rain made him retch weakly. His ma tutted, and pressed a hand to his forehead. -- Steve has always had an all-consuming fear of water, and nearly drowning twice only made it worse. One day, after just turning on a tap sends him spiraling, he has to consider what his breaking point is.

Runaway [Teen, 8/8, 20k] art by @alwaysabrighterdarkness written by @mandyyvibes

Steve still felt a little guilty that Bucky was willing to do all that for him. Did he really deserve his unconditional loyalty? He could’ve picked anyone at school to be best friends with, but he picked him, and Steve would never know how he got so lucky. The thought of running away was comforting, anyway, even if maybe they couldn’t actually leave for a while. Days, weeks, months. — In which Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes grow up together under circumstances that no child should have to face, and Bucky paints Steve daydreams of a better life together, if only they could run far enough.

Finding You With Open Arms [Gen, 1/1, 8.5k] art by @taybay14 written by LuxuryVelvetStudebaker

Coming home means the big things are the little things

Some legends are told [Explicit, 2/2, 26k] art by @rufferto9 and @chaosmanor (additional art) written by @chaosmanor

Twenty-eight billion kilometers. Four thousand years. That's how far Bucky has gone to get away from HYDRA, and that's how far Steve will have to go to bring him home.

The art of shadowboxing [Explicit, wip] art by @burnin-brighter written by @dharmasharks

In 1918, Bucky is forced to flee New York with his family. In 1923, he returns as a prize fighter, determined to send money to his sisters and stay far away from the gang violence that destroyed their home. And then Steve Rogers shows up. These days, Bucky’s childhood pal isn’t facing down neighborhood bullies. He’s taking on every factory owner in the Garment District—and every gangster they hire to intimidate union members. By joining the fray as Steve’s bodyguard, Bucky can finally stand up to the mobsters who took so much from him. And if that means spending a whole lot of time by Steve’s side…well, that’s just an added bonus.

In the Mood to Let You Know [Mature, wip] art by @burnin-brighter written by @voylitscope

Bucky's never liked keeping secrets from Steve, but there are a few things he hasn't told his best friend over the years. These days? There are three. The two new ones he begins keeping in the summer of 1925, and that one massive secret he's been holding onto since 1918. (Or: During the height of the 1918 flu outbreak in New York, a seveneteen-year-old Steve spends a month indoors. Steve and Bucky write letters to pass the time and keep in communication. By the time Steve is out and about again, they've said a few things they'll never say out loud.At least not until 1925, when Bucky can't seem to stop running into Steve in unexpected places. )

Desert Fires [Explicit, 1/1, 9.6k] art by @zanthems written by @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy

Bucky doesn’t plan to end up high and naked in the desert with stars shining in the heavens and his eyes with his dick deep inside a dainty, beautiful man with sparkling sapphire eyes and chapped, bitten lips that drive all coherent thoughts from his mind. He didn’t intend for any of it to happen, but that’s where he’s found himself, nonetheless.

Coffee, Sugar, and Pine [Mature, wip] art by @taybay14 written by @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy

There’s nothing Bucky loves more than his cat Alpine and an excellent cup of coffee. After three tours in the army, he’s probably earned a few breaks and an IV of caffeine. When he steps into a café in Brooklyn where a spunky redhead mans the cash register and a sassy blonde with sparkling blue eyes concocts delicious hot beverages, Bucky realizes he’s found his perfect drink and perhaps his ideal mate. Now, he can’t stop thinking about how to guarantee that he’ll have both for the rest of his life.

Let's Do It [Teen, wip] art by @skullfragments written by @trinitydaydabbles

Even before Steve drags him up before the crack of dawn to go running, Bucky is already plotting his revenge. If only Steve didn't know him so well, maybe the day wouldn't devolve into a game of one-upmanship.

Human Lens [Teen, wip] art by @taybay14 written by @chaossmagic

Torn from his old life and dumped unceremoniously in the 21st century, and then having to face an alien attack just months after coming out of the ice, Steve Rogers is struggling to come to terms with everything he's lost and isn't sure the title of Captain America is one he feels 100% comfortable with anymore. Alone, deeply lonely and desperate for anything to help him feel like his old self again, he stumbles across the work of fellow veteran and photographer Bucky Barnes, who specialises in helping wounded soldiers reclaim their bodily autonomy and sense of self after injury in combat. When he asks Bucky to take his own photograph, he finds the connection he's been looking for the entire time. And, as it just so happens, Bucky finds exactly the same thing.

Taking Pictures [Gen, wip] art by @taybay14 written by @leavinghopeao3

Reporter Steve Rogers and photojournalist Bucky Barnes stumble across a conspiracy at the heart of the United States government. Will they be able to stop it before it's too late? And will this fight bring them closer together?

lost to time [Mature, wip] art by @rufferto9 written by @burnin-brighter

As Steve returns the last Infinity Stone, he realizes there is nothing for him to return to in 2024. His friends, the ones who are still here, have families they want to be with or people they need to help. Steve has no one. Bucky died in 1944, Natasha died on Vormir, Tony perished in the fight with Thanos. What is he supposed to do? There are many options in front of him, though before he can make up his mind, a ghost from his past appears. Could it really be his Bucky?

A Game for Two [Mature, 1/1, 9.9k] art by einahpets written by @dontcallmebree

Steve will never forget the itch under his skin, the need to peel the world back until it finally felt right. He knows he would have gotten it then, would’ve finally latched his teeth around this amorphous, unnamable thing that had been haunting him if it weren’t for the Winter Soldier. If it weren’t for Bucky. And ain’t that a trip and a half—if not for Bucky. Story of his fucking life. The hands of fate are familiar, loving, and too cruel by half.

Til the End of the Line [Teen, 7/7, 14.7k] art by @taybay14 written by @xoxobuckybarnes

Back home after their first tour, the Avengers are getting ready to record their second album - they just have to write it first. Lead singer, Bucky Barnes, struggles to write a song that's not about his childhood best friend, the drummer of the band, Steve Rogers. The problem is, Steve has no idea how Bucky feels about him. When another childhood friend starts leaning on Steve, Bucky must decide if it's time to let his crush go, or to finally be brave and let Steve know how he feels.

Plan Bee [Gen, 1/1, 15k] art by britbrit99 written by @hkandiu

Steve is still getting used to the 21st century and begins to frequent farmers markets, where he becomes a regular customer of Shield Apiary, a small business selling all things honey. As he enters that sweet chapter of his life, Tony decides to take on a new project - finding someone for Steve! Steve lies to the team that he's already dating someone but before he can come clean, Tony reaches the wrong conclusion that Steve is dating one of the owners of Shield. Except, Steve's never met Bucky, much less gone on a date. Becca somehow talks the men into pretending to date to help Steve, and the month isn't what anyone expected...

The Beekeeper & The Gardener [Gen, 10/10, 13k] art by britbrit99 written by E_Greer

Every morning, Bucky likes to greet the dawn and watch morning runner guy. Every morning, Steve likes to sip his coffee and watch plant guy. One morning, runner guy and plant guy meet.

Let Us Partake in Summer’s Bounty [Teen, 1/1, 11.8k] art by britbrit99 written by @theflailing

Spring was one of Steve’s favourite seasons; it was a time of renewal and intention, a time to plant the seeds of things that will yet bear fruit, both literal and metaphorical. It was a time when the chilly grip of winter gave way to the lush green of new growth; it was when the world took its first deep breath and stretched its limbs after the long, somber solitude that preceded it. Although Steve was born in the height of summer, his mother always said that he did not belong there. “I did a reading, the day you were born,” she would tell him often, a soft and loving sparkle in her eyes. “Your heart belongs to the springtime; it is an omen that marks your soul.” -8- Steve is never one to turn down a request for help, and as he prepares to accept this call for aid, he reflects on his life, the friends he has made, and the community he serves.

I'll Use You (As A Focal Point) [Teen, wip] art by @taybay14 written by @lynlee494

The Soldier’s understanding of the world begins to unravel after he completes a mission and finds a helpless, shivering, and soaking wet kitten. Unable to leave, knowing the frail thing will die in the elements, the Soldier makes a choice... The Soldier can not risk contact, capture, and the inevitable return to Hydra and captivity would bring. He may remember Steve Rogers, but he also remembers Captain America. Similarly enhanced, the Captain would have the advantage, the Soldier’s movement would be limited with the kitten’s safety to consider.A surveillance approach is the safest angle to take. There had been notebooks at the museum exhibit, so there may be more memories to be dredged up if Steve Rogers still keeps journals, keepsakes, things that may stir up more memories - more pieces to fill in the expanse between Bucky and the Soldier.He’ll seek out Steve Rogers, who seems to feature in nearly every memory with Bucky, but he’ll be cautious. Can hopefully glean from the exposure more about the time before Bucky – before he – was presumed dead in a war. From before Steve’s Bucky became Hydra’s, time stuttering by till the Soldier was born.

5 Times Bucky Tricked Steve Into Washing His Hair +1 Time He Didn’t Have To Ask [Explicit, 8/8, 34.8k] art by @taybay14 written by @norelationtoatticus

During the worst of his recovery, Steve used to wash Bucky’s hair for him. Now, Bucky is a semi-stable hundred year old man who can bathe all by himself… but he misses Steve washing his hair for him. Asking for it? Out of the question. Lies, subterfuge, and expertly crafted machinations to manipulate Steve’s big, soapy hands right where he wants them? Much more Bucky’s style.

Piece By Piece [not rated, 10/10, 34.7k] art by @skullfragments written by @taybay14

Steve and Bucky are discovered on the bank of the Potomac & brought to Stark Tower. From the beginning, everyone has one thing on their mind: Help Bucky. It’s going to be hard, but they're ready to give it everything they’ve got - and they’re the Avengers, so they’ve got quite a lot. *** “Hey, Buck,” Steve says, his voice soft. Bucky lays on his side, pressing a cheek to the soft carpeting, wishing he hadn’t ruined all his blankets. He hates feeling cold and it’s a little cold in his room. “You don’t have to talk or come out or anything, but… I’m going to lay here, okay? All night. I’m going to stay right here so you don’t forget that it’s different now. So you don't forget that you’re safe. You’re not alone.” Bucky doesn’t know what to say to that. Even if he did know, his tongue is doing that heavy-sticky thing again. Instead, he slides his flesh fingers under the crack in the door, barely able to fit the tips, and waits. A moment passes. Then Steve’s fingers are pressing right back. And maybe Steve is right. Maybe things are different, maybe he is safe, maybe he’s not alone. Maybe - just maybe - he’ll be able to get himself back after all, piece by piece.

Now That I've Met You [Teen, 3/3, 11k] art by @louikazooie written by @megs-bee

First day back from vacation, not even inside the building yet and Bucky’s boss calls, telling him to head straight up to the executive suite. “The short version is that we’ve found ourselves with a VIP who needs a personal assistant immediately,” Pepper sighs. “The longer version is that we discovered the previous assistant was selling information on said VIP’s schedule and other high-security details which resulted in, among other issues, an attempted…let’s call it assault.” Pepper hands over the StarkPad open to what Bucky recognizes as a personnel file. Commander S. G. Rogers. If he’d been drinking his coffee at that moment, he’d have choked.

The Rest Are Stories To Tell [Teen, wip] art by @taybay14 written by @endlesstwanted

After he broke free from HYDRA with Steve and his new friends’ help, Bucky is working on reconnecting with himself living in the Avengers Tower with his cat Alpine. Soon, a dream brings back memories of his time as the Winter Soldier and one specific location in which he supervised experiments like the ones he went through. The team works together to figure out what’s real and puts the pieces together to prepare against a potential hidden thread by HYDRA before they run out of time —or the experiments run out of time. What would happen if, on top of this, Bucky discovered a secret related to Steve and me that would tie them together more than they have ever been?

out of the darkness, out into the light [Mature, wip] art by bergamotene written by @burnin-brighter

There were very few things Bucky disliked in life, although chaperoning his sister at every ball of the season was one of them. It was boring, long, and overall unpleasant. Or it used to be, until the day Bucky laid eyes on the most beautiful man he had ever seen at such an event. The man wasn’t familiar, Bucky would have remembered seeing him before. And after the first night, Bucky saw him everywhere. While he slept, while he daydreamed, while he walked around town. There was no escaping this stranger. And perhaps Bucky did not want to. What was the worst that could happen if Bucky were to let himself give in to his thoughts, to his urges?

Penumbra [not rated, 1/1, 12.7k] art by bergamotene written by @bonky-bornes

There was nothing more dangerous than having a soulmate. That’s what James had been taught his entire life. Being bound to another, life for life, got one killed just as surely as treason. Anyone with the mark of a binding was executed. Kings and peasants alike, it didn’t matter. There was nothing more dangerous than secondary loyalty to your Kingdom. James mastered the art of knives and silence, he learned to move like a shadow, unseen and inescapable. Bondeds were a disease, and he was a cure. He’d rather have his hands stained red than see his people suffer. Bondeds killed to protect one life. James killed to protect them all. - The Northern and Southern Kingdoms have been at war over Bonded Pairs for years. When a temporary armistice is proposed, and James is invited to the Southern Kingdom, it's one last chance to find a way towards peace.

No Better Version of Me [Teen, 3/3, 26.8k] art by @koreanrage written by @film-in-my-soul

Like Steve’s got a shooting star fused to his pulse (and hell, it just might be), he makes a wish. Thanos is stopped from making the snap. But just because Steve managed to save everyone else, it doesn't mean he can save himself.

no years of silence in the shadow of regret [Gen, 1/1, 9.7k] art by @koreanrage written by @hipsterdiva

“I’m fine,” Steve says again without looking at him. “You don’t have to stay.” It takes a while, and for a second, Steve thinks that perhaps Bucky will get up, pack his bag and his cat and leave. For a second, Steve hopes that’s what’s gonna happen. Then Bucky speaks. “I know,” he says. And stays. Or, Steve has baggage, communication is difficult, and (baby) steps are taken.

A Safe Place To Land [Explicit, wip] art by @kahey2804 written by @gloromeien

Bucky Barnes had it all—grease under his fingernails, dog fur behind the cushions of his couch, a cozy place to call his own. The house, the truck, the dogs, the works. A ride-or-die, close-knit community. A patch of land he could wander. A mountain view to inspire him. After six tours of duty and nine months in captivity, Bucky knew how bad things could get, so he didn't dare ask for anything else. Especially not someone to hold. Until a tall, blond super-soldier crash-landed into his quiet life and threatened to make all his dreams come true. For now.

Soul Mates and Circumstances [Explicit, wip] art by @kahey2804 written by @sunriserose1023

It’s a classic story. Boy meets boy, they share an instant connection. They have a night of pure heaven, and then life steps in. That’s the story for Bucky and Steve. They had one great night, then radio silence. Until they manage to cross paths again, but they seem destined to ghost each other. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. But what if it is?

All Along - It Was You [Explicit, 8/8, 34.k] art by @burnin-brighter written by @taybay14

It all started with a suggestion from Natasha - which should have been Steve's first clue that it'd end in trouble. She suggests a BDSM club that allows photostatic veils for anonymity, knowing Steve has growing desires he's been desperate to explore. Of course, she didn't bother to warn him of three very important facts: 1. Bucky Barnes is a member of this club 2. Bucky Barnes is apparently gay 3. Bucky Barnes is a dom Steve is stunned when he comes face to (veiled) face with Bucky Barnes himself his first night at the club. His brain malfunctions. Surely, that's the only reason why he does the incredibly idiotic thing of accepting Bucky's invitation to play with him. He knows he shouldn't - but what will one night of lies hurt? One night to scratch the itch, to get Bucky Barnes out of his system once and for all, and then Steve can move on. Except when Bucky keeps giving him chances for more, Steve finds himself unable to walk away. Like Steve said before... trouble. Unfortunately for him, he's always been a magnet for that kind of thing.

Complicate this world you've wrapped for me (I'm acquainted with your suffering) [Explicit, wip] art by LadyGigi written by @hanitrash

The Captain is sent on a mission to prove his ability to perform without the assistance of a STRIKE team. What he doesn’t know is that it’s more than his competence being tested…because if he passes, the face of HYDRA—and the fate of the world—will be forever changed.

Stephanos of the Glade [Explicit, 9/9, 22.6k] art by @murkycrush written by @wolfiefics

Escaped gladiator slave Iacomus discovers a new path in life as a guardian of a mysterious glade and it's equally godlike inhabitor, Stephanos, the river god of the Aneine River. With Stephanos' intercession, he learns to live a life outside of slavery with the help of Artemis, Ares, Demeter, and many other Greek/Roman gods. He finds his purpose in helping Stephanos protect the river from one who would cause it harm. Possibly to the death.

Covert Display [Explicit, 1/1, 8k] art by @murkycrush written by @buckybarnesdeservestobehappy

For decades, Bucky suffered, but he’s finally back with Steve, completing missions together, and going home to a shared apartment. Despite their past, nothing’s happened between them since waking up in the twenty-first century. Until it does. Bucky just never intended for anyone else to see.

I Wanna Break a Sweat, Eating Your Juicy Cake [Explicit, 1/1, 13.4k] art by @mxaether written by @theflailing

When Bucky finally has some time off work, he books a flight to DC to visit his best friend and old college roommate, Sam. While there, Bucky decides that he needs to blow off some steam, and a Grindr hookup is exactly the thing that will scratch that itch. When the hottest guy on the planet starts sexting him, Bucky can't believe his luck. But the universe has more in store for Bucky than he ever could have hoped for, and with the luck that he's about to have, maybe he should buy a lottery ticket, because it feels like all of his dreams are coming true.

Thank you again to all the participants this year!

[princess-of-the-corner]

I hope you're still okay with such Anon asks about Chloé, I wasn't quite sure who to ask this because of how divisive of a topic this is now and you seemed to be the right person.

I've been rewatching some 2000s Cartoons I grew up with and it really made me realize how badly Chloé's trope is ruined in Miraculous.

Chloé was the regular local bully bitch character. Ain't nothing groundbreaking here.

She's the likes of Bonnie from Kim Possible, Mizzi and Chimera from Winx Club, Dash and Paulina from Danny Phantom, Pacifica from Gravity Falls, and Brit and Tiff Crust from Teenage Robot

Or, you know, 10 billion other cartoon characters that fit this trope

And yet Chloé very obviously stands out as the one who was incorrectly utilized by her show. Bonnie, Dash & Paulina, and Pacifica for example were never given a pass for being the MC's bullies, but the shows still were confident enough in their writing and main characters that they were allowed to have sympathetic and even heroic scenes. Bc the shows understood that the bully characters were meant as side antagonists and minor inconveniences for the main character in comparison to the actual villains. So developing them positively works very well once their bully actions overstepped their welcome in the big picture.

Bullying is horrible, no shit, but cartoons normally are very much aware that the bully characters have little to no business overshadowing the real villains the way Miraculous insists on doing it.

Even the characters like Mizzi & Chimera or Tiff and Brit Crust, that weren't shown in any more sympathetic light, the shows knew how to properly utilize them. Either by mostly keeping them as minor antagonistic that don't need more focus, or they were only in the story for a limited period of time or specific usages.

Miraculous on the other hand has the main character(s) ignore all the ACTUAL adult villains she should be looking for and taking care of because instead the show made it its job to portray two school bullies as evil incarnated. As if that doesn't reflect increasingly worse on the main characters. Like in Revolution where everybody collectively ignored that Chloé obviously needed POWERS to pull off what she did, but the characters couldn't look past the "she's a bully grrrr 😠" which lead to Paris slowly being imprisoned and physically enslaved in front of the heros' eyes and Hawkmoth almost winning!

The local bully is supposed to be a level 1 antagonist the story and MCs normally grow out of because very clearly there are much bigger fishes to fry. But Miraculous deemed Marinette having been bullied as the biggest injustice and display of suffering in the plot, so naturally our heros end up being nothing but incompetent when it comes to their actual JOBS.

Who cares that Ladybug (with Cat's quiet support) basically victim blamed all of Paris into going on a suicide mission to stop an almost allmighty Monarch for the defeated Ladybug and Cat Noir, because Ladybug just said that they never needed heros in the first place (which, yes Marinette, THEY DID.) Lets ignore that the only reason why Ladybug's words didn't result in a mass slaughter of the vulnerable civilians she was supposed to protect is because GABRIEL made Chloe the weakest Akuma to date and gave her robots nothing but the safest powers. So nothing Marinette had any hand in or even knew of before she as good as attempted to send the civilians into the final battle without any help of Ladynoir...

But I guess its fine bc Marinette was looking at her bully. Of course the innocent civilians had to be hyped up to go on a potential suicide mission to save Ladynoir from Chloe and MONARCH (who should have showed up there literally any second but didn't because Gabriel is stupid for Marinette's sake)

Our main characters were apparently so overwhelmed by Chloé's meanness that needed to be put in place, who could possibly think and acts heroric anymore? 😒

And this entire mess we could have easily avoided if the show just had it done NORMALLY by not forcing Chloe into a role her trope doesn't fucking belong in in the big picture.

Yeah exactly like

In those other examples, even with the bullies staying in an antagonistic role, they're never anywhere near a Main Threat.

Yeah in Season 1 the protagonist is having a hard time with them because hey the protag is /just now/ a Hero and gaining confidence. But my later seasons? The bully is an annoyance ofc but the protag literally does not care they've handled so much worse and the bully only ever becomes a problem when a legit big bad decides to use them against them.

And then yeah letting the bullies be more well-rounded characters even if they don't get a proper 'redemption arc' per say.

Let's take Dash because he's actually the closest example to how Chloé was in Season 1-3: Yes he was a bully and that was bad. The show didn't go too much into his home life, but it did make it clear how much the school enabled him/ignored his actions because he was a football player. Though he was someone Danny was scared of early on, he quickly became something Danny just rolled his eyes at or even fought back. But Dash also very much looked up to the local Hero and saw him as an inspiration(unknowing the Hero was someone he bullied), and had several episodes where he teamed up with Danny(both Phantom /and/ Fenton) to save the day.

And yeah that- that's pretty much how Chloé was! If you didn't want to give her a full Redemption, just keep her in that weird spot!

[sonnetsoncanvas]

Mess it up : pt 3

Summary: Years ago he had let you go for your own good. But this time, he isn’t sure he can

Part of the Mess it up series

Pairing: brother’s best friend rock star Bucky x fem reader (Steve’s sister) (dual pov)

Warnings: modern AU, angst, second chance, eventual smut, brothers best friend trope, implied cheating, self-deprecation, happy ending?

Inspired by: Mess it up by Gracie Abrams

Notes: This is the first time a fic has made its way from my laptop to the internet. So please be kind and do leave your feedback. Happy reading!

 

Chapter 3: I keep thinking maybe if you let me back in

Reader POV

Life was not fair. Never was to you. But that never seemed to faze you. if anything, that made you more resilient. Unafraid. Unbothered. Living in that small, noisy Brooklyn apartment, with a mother who worked herself to death trying to provide her children with a good life, a brother, the literal personification of sunshine, being picked on and bullied, tending to his bruises when he thought nobody’s looking.

It made you realise that the world is a dangerous place. It eats up those who stand unprepared. And so, you steeled yourself. Made yourself the most fearsome creature to behold in any room you entered. Your biting wit, your sass, you sharp intellect made you attractive to some, unappealing to many and untouchable to all.

There was only one who dared to play with the fireball that was Y/N Rogers. Only one for whom your guards went down. After all, if Steve trusted Bucky with his life, you could trust him with your heart. Right?

Turns out you couldn’t.

“This was supposed to be a temporary thing” he’d said.

“Do you really think I’m gonna take you home to my mother ? tell her you are what I want the Barnes legacy to continue with?” he’d sneered.

“Its time you go back to your dreams, and let me get on with mine.” He’d offered.

You never should have.

Bucky POV

Life was hilarious. Or at least it started seeming that way after years of neglect. He had everything a child could’ve wanted. All the toys in the world, the most expensive apparel, all the amenities a person could dream of. But the one thing he lacked was love. Pure genuine love.

His mother, The Winnifred Barnes of the upper east side, knew how to give birth to heirs, but did not have a clue about raising a child. Growing up in that negligent household, amongst people who were nefarious for being social climbers and gold diggers, little James soon realized that the only worth he has comes attached to his name. that no one would care for him if it weren’t for his billions.

But he was proved wrong when he met a lanky blond boy of Brooklyn at the music camp. It was there he shed the expensive cloak of James Buchanan Barnes and donned the dirty sneakers of Bucky. It was through Steve he recognised his own significance, that he could be something more than the well-groomed showpiece his family was expecting him to be.

And then he met you.

And it felt as if all his prayers had been answered.

You weren’t like Steve, not one bit. You were this fiery, self-assured human who could scorch the world with her brilliance. Unlike Steve, you were pragmatic. Unlike Bucky, you knew who you were and where you wanted to be.

And he fell for you. hard.

He borrowed some of your bravery, some of your light, and formed the Avengers with Steve, Sam and Wanda. He wanted to make something of himself to deserve you. to earn the jackpot that was your love.

However, for bucky, it seems happiness is always a temporary tryst. He tends to forget that.

Skiing was his passion. One of the many trappings of his privileged life that actually he enjoyed. It was the same passion that completely changed Bucky’s life. But unlike you, for the worse.

It was his own fault. No one else to be blamed. Had he heeded the weather warning, he wouldn’t be on that slope. he wouldn’t have been caught in that blizzard. He wouldn’t have lost his left arm.

When he regained his consciousness, the first face he saw was yours, streaked with tears, anguish in eyes.

You came there every day, sometimes under the pretence of dropping something for Steve, who refused to leave him alone, sometimes to fill in for his absence. The better bucky got, the more hopeful your eyes grew.

You’d altered everything to fit Bucky’s schedule. You worked late nights so that you could visit him in evenings after school, stopped going out with your friends to be with him instead. There were times you pulled an all nighter just so you could turn in your assignments on time.

He saw it all. The dark circles beneath your eyes, your tired face, the endless cups of coffee. It should’ve pained him, but the thought that you were there, to love him, to hold him, brought endless solace. and so he selfishly held on to you.

Until one day, Steve told him about your college acceptance letters.

“She got into Harvard Bucky! My baby girl in Harvard. Just think about that.” A hint of pride glimmered under his annoyance, “But she refuses to go. Says she cant leave Ma and I alone.”

“what ?!” Bucky had asked, guilt gnawing at him

“I mean Columbia is a decent school, but Harvard law?! It doesn’t get better than that. How far is Boston anyway?...”

Steve’s voice blended into the voices in Bucky’s brain. He knew the real reason behind your hesitation to go to Harvard was him. He remembered how excited you were when your adviser had confidently proclaimed that she is Harvard material.

And you were willing to let that go. For him.

Instead of joy, Bucky felt trepidation. Fear. Was this love? Or pity? Is this how the rest of your lives will be? You leaving things you love for his sake? And how long before you resent him? Hate him for all the opportunities you’d let go of for him?

How could he ever live with himself, knowing he was the anchor that was holding you back?

Bucky had resigned himself to live his life with his situation, but you didn’t have to. You , perfect in every way, intelligent, so beautiful that his heart ached.you should be with some one who deserved you. not him. Never him.

And so James Buchanan Barnes did something that was somehow more painful than ripping his heart out.

He let you go.

Reader POV

you woke up with a heavy head. It felt a lot like jet lag, except that it wasn’t. one did not get headaches by travelling from Boston to New York. One did, however get headaches after crying all night. Which was what you did last night.

It was embarrassing. Pathetic even. You thought you were over him, and all that it took was one glimpse of his to mess you up. You had a Suma cum laude from the most prestigious law schools in the world, scored job offers from the most esteemed firms, made grown men cower in front of in courtrooms, and yet, were drowning in a puddle of tears over a high school boyfriend.

To be fair though, your only boyfriend. After he dumped you, you swore off men, while he went on an array of affairs with so many women you lost count of it. The tabloids had always had a sweet spot for him. “The heartbreak prince” indeed. Its only that the prince did the heart breaking, not the other way round.

You ambled out of the bed and cleaned up. It was hours before your usual time, but well, its not as if you’re getting any sleep now, is it?  Its better to get some coffee for your pounding head. Your interview was tomorrow thank heavens. There was no way you could’ve done it today.

A clattering of utensils startled you. there’s no way Steve was up this early. Your confusion was immediately clarified as you came across the very bane of your existence hunched in the kitchen.

You tried to turn back and leave as noiselessly as you could. You cannot endure this so early in the morning. You’d rather go out to get coffee, there must be some place open at the ungodly hour. Its New York after all.

He turned that very instant, as if he could sense you. his beautiful blue eyes widened as he took you in, as dishevelled and disoriented as you were. After a long minute he shifted his gaze from your face, looking everywhere but in your direction.

You were beginning to suspect that God was punishing you for all your years of antagonism.

“I was about to leave.”

His voice, his goddamn voice. Your heart had always been ready to race out of your chest and beat to the rhythm of his speech. It was ready to do that now.

Had human beings been able to survive without a heart, you would’ve had yours surgically removed ages ago. Stupid, bloody organ always getting you in trouble.

a wave of guilt hit you as he started for the exit. He had done the same yesterday, leaving moment you guys entered, Sam dragging him away to help him do something you don’t recall. He returned after you went to bed, whenever that was. And now this. It felt wrong that he was uncomfortable in his home. It wasn’t his fault that you weren’t over what he called “a seasonal distraction”.

“stay” you rasped; your voice too low to be heard. You tried again. “Stay, James.”

He stilled. Stood frozen on the threshold long enough for you to wonder if he’d fallen asleep standing up. And then he turned. His eyes full of something you were scared to decipher. The silence was too oppressive, even for you.  

“we both know this would happen. We’re both adults, we can co inhabit a space without it imploding” your head was about to implode though, and not from the headache.

“yeah, right. Youre right.” He mumbled, still sticking by the door, which was a good thing because you needed coffee, and you were sure you couldn’t function properly with him in close proximity.

You turned towards the fancy coffee maker, which was far more advanced than the old spluttering relic that you had in your dorm. You fiddled with the buttons, trying to get it to work.

“here, let me.” He said, the low raspy baritone that made you shiver. You hoped he thought it was the morning chill.

He skirted around you to get to the counter, and yet his subtle smell plagued your senses. He turned the shiny knobs easily with his right arm, putting in a new filter and placing a cup near the nozzle.

“you still take your coffee black?”

The question, innocent at its core, jarred you. your ex remembering a small detail about your from years ago was not on your bingo card, but there you are.

“uh I umm, yes.” You internally cringed at the fact that you, the mock trial champion, was stuttering. He nodded slightly and continued.

“How can anyone like something like this?!”  he gagged, sliding your cup over to you.

“that’s what you get for taking a sip without my permission Barnes.” You smirked, snuggling in his outstretched arms, ready to resume his favourite movie that you honestly didn’t understand. All you cared for was spending time with him, even if it was hidden in his apartment.

“Atleast add sugar to it doll. Its too damn bitter.” He coughed.

“I like it bitter.”

You jerked at the small beep from the machine. Your eyes involuntarily went to his, only to recognise the same surprise there, as if this conversation took him to some other. the very thought of it gave you hope, and hope, you’ve realised over the years, is the most dangerous thing.

You hastily grabbed the cup, too eager to end this interaction. His presence was triggering emotions you have avoided for too long.

In your hurry you toppled the cup over, its blistering hot content pouring out. But before you could feel the burn, a shiny metal gripped your wrist and tugged you away. You staggered and stumbled forwards, bumping into his chest.

It was you who froze this time. too incapacitated by his smell, his body, him to move. You felt him draw in deep breaths, his heartbeat audibly speeding up. you stayed there for god knows how long.

It was he who withdrew. Because of course it was. You regained your composure and jumped back, frightened by the comfort that had washed over you in that moment.

“Thank you.” you gasped, and bolted out of the room right that instant.

[padfootagain]

That spot on your finger

Hello!! Here I come with a new Ben Barnes fic! I hope you like it! Please, let me know what you think of it :)

(Also, side note… the beige suit for Ben in this fic is directly inspired by that Ferragamo campaign he did a few years ago. Was that forever ago? Yes. Am I over it? Absolutely not.)

*****

Pairing: Ben Barnes x reader

Warnings: none but fluff. Soulmates AU

Sum up: The mark on your skin that should allow you to find your soulmate is pretty hidden, hence your difficulty in finding them. Or maybe you simply haven’t them yet? Anyway, this guy at your friend’s wedding makes you fall head over heels. Could he be the one?

Word count: 5164

There was a mark on your ring finger.

Right there, on the right side of it, the piece of skin that was almost invisible because often hidden by your middle finger. A tiny space you had to purposely reveal.

Three little dots, a red line. Tiny and invisible almost.

You reckoned that it was the reason why it was taking so long for you to find your soulmate.

It was easy for others to recognize each other. When your mark was imprinted right in the middle of your forearm, or at the base of your neck, it was easy to spot. You could have had a mark on the back of your hand, that would have been easy as well. But you didn’t. You needed to find, in this ocean of people, in these billions of individuals walking across the globe, the only person who also had a red mark of three dots crossed by a line… on the inside of their left ring finger.

Obviously, you were still single.

But then again, you couldn’t exactly pretend that you were particularly lucky, as a person in general. Even worse, you were clumsy and just… a bunch of chaos. The location of your birthmark was just one more proof that when the Universe had decided to create your life, they dropped the bottle for ‘bad luck’ right into the mix.

But then again, it was alright. You had made a lovely life for yourself on your own. You had your hobbies, your passions even. You had a nice little apartment where you cohabitated with your neighbour’s cat named Reggie who, in all fairness, spent more time at your place than in his home. You had pretty houseplants, a wonderful collection of books, friends you adored. And it was more than enough to fill your life with sunshine. You had kind of stopped looking for your soulmate, actually. When you were younger, it was an obsession. But then, every teenager had to go through this phase of obsessive search for their soulmate. You had grown out of it. If you met them, then wonderful. If you didn’t, then you would still enjoy your life to the fullest.

As you walked through the venue where one of your oldest friends was about to get married, you genuinely were not jealous of her. She had found her soulmate; they were getting married. Meanwhile, your life was already full of everything you wanted.

You smiled as you opened the door to the room where you friend was getting ready. On the opposite side of the building, the groom was adjusting his tuxedo.

Mary was lovely. A true ray of sunshine. She turned to you at the sound of the door turning on its hinges.

“You’re right on time!” she gave you a thumbs-up.

On her neck, you could see the four lines of her birthmark aligned along the curve. They were visible even from the doorstep.

“I might be a little chaotic, but I can be on time for my friend’s wedding,” you rolled your eyes at her remark, closing the door behind you.

“It is literally the first time in my entire life that I see you arriving anywhere on time…”

“That… might be true. Shows you how much I love you, I guess.”

She laughed, looking so happy on this bright and sunny day.

Her day…

“Do you need anything before the show begins?” you asked her, waving at your friend’s mother who was on the phone on the other side of the room.

“I would kill for some coffee, to be honest,” she confessed. “I was so nervous, I’ve barely slept at all last night.”

“I don’t see what you could be nervous about. You’re marrying your soulmate. The Universe literally planned that you would fall in love and spend your lives together. I don’t even see what the point in getting married is, you’re already sure it will work between the two of you.”

“Once you’ve found your soulmate, you’ll understand. It’s just… an extra step. An official promise. And a way to tell every other woman to back off from my man cause he’s taken.”

You both laughed at that, and you congratulated her with a hug.

“So… a coffee? You sure? Aren’t you nervous enough as it is?” you asked her one last time, but your friend was determined, and so you walked out of the room in search of a cup of the hot beverage.

You had to walk across the parking lot to reach the park of the venue the couple had rented for the day. The venue… it was a mansion, it was huge, it had a parking lot and a park where the ceremony and the celebration would take place. It was a place that could have existed in a fairy tale.

And you found it cute, of course, but also… you promised yourself that if you were to get married, you would organize something small. Something intimate. In a place you loved, and nothing more. Nothing too fancy.

One of the employees of the venue gave you the precious beverage, and you started your walk back towards the mansion, not paying too much attention to your surroundings, lost in thought instead. As you usually were… Besides, there wasn’t anyone on the parking lot, so it wasn’t too risky to walk with your head in the clouds.

Or well, that was what you thought, at least…

Because on the other side of the parking lot, a man dressed in a beige tuxedo was hurrying towards the mansion. Actually, he was almost running. He was late. And he felt terrible about it, because if there was one day in his life when he needed to be on time, it was today. His little brother was getting married, he couldn’t afford to be late today. And he was always on time, so why now? Why was he late on the only day that truly mattered? He checked his pockets, and got out the velvety box that protected the wedding bands. What a groomsman he made… he had to drive back to his apartment when he was already halfway to the venue because he had forgotten these bloody rings.

But now, Ben had arrived. He was late, but not desperately so. He had the wedding rings. He was dressed, ready to celebrate his younger brother’s wedding.

He walked even faster – even if that hardly seemed possible – checking the time on his watch. And thus, he was not looking at where he was going for several seconds.

Several crucial seconds.

Before any of you knew what was happening, Ben was colliding quite violently with you, and your precious cup of coffee fell to the ground, along with Ben’s precious velvety box. As you collided, you dropped everything to hold onto whoever had bumped into you, and Ben did the same, out of pure reflex. You were thus holding onto each other’s forearms, for now trying to not fall down and to understand what was happening.

Ben felt something wet on his chest and knew even before he looked down at his white shirt what had happened. The coffee…

“Oh…”

He looked up at you, getting both panicked and angry in a mere second, until his eyes met yours and then… then something very strange happened.

It was like… time had stopped suddenly. He took in your features and it felt like he knew you, like he had seen you before. And every ounce of anger or annoyance disappeared.

“…fuck.”

All of a sudden, all the air had left his lungs, and his mouth was dry and all he could do was to stare at you with his mouth slightly agape and a dazzled look across his face. His brain had stopped functioning altogether.

And you felt exactly the same.

He saw you look down at the ground, but he didn’t, he kept staring at you, and in the back of his mind he wondered what this was all about…

"Huh... were you going to... propose?!"

You sounded panicked, and when you looked up at him, your eyes were wide in horror.

“Oh no! Have I ruined your proposal?”

“Proposal… wha… what?”

He didn’t understand a word you were saying, and he wasn’t sure if it was because of his brain suddenly deciding to shut down, because you didn’t make any sense, or because he was too busy staring at your eyes to listen properly to you.

“The box… were you going to propose to someone?”

Finally, Ben looked down, and seeing the black velvety box he finally understood.

“No… no, I’m with the wedding party.”

“Oh! You brought the rings!”

“Yes, I did.”

“I’m with the wedding too.”

“Really? I don’t think we’ve met…”

“I’m with the bride…”

“Groom.”

“That’s why, I guess.”

“Yeah… I guess so…”

You exchanged a smile, not really knowing why. You were still holding onto each other, not really knowing why either…

“Ben!”

You were interrupted by a deep voice calling from the front door of the mansion.

“What are you doing? You’re late! Come on!”

“I’m coming, dad.”

But the old man walked a little closer, and after just a few steps, noticed the disaster the two of you had caused…

“Your shirt!”

Ben finally looked down at his shirt. It was drenched with coffee. Luckily, his vest and tie were alright.

“I’m so sorry,” you apologized over and over again. “I’m so clumsy and…”

“No, it’s nothing,” Ben reassured you. “I wasn’t looking at where I was going either.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s alright.”

“We have a couple of extra shirts inside, come on,” Ben’s father started to walk back to the building, inviting his son to follow him by a quick hand gesture.

But there were still the cup of coffee – now empty – and the box containing the wedding rings to pick up from the ground. You both bent down at the same time, bumping your heads together.

“Ouch!” you exclaimed in unison, rubbing the now painful spots on your foreheads.

You looked at each other, and couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry, I’m very clumsy,” you apologised with a smile, standing back up.

“I’m sorry too. Looks like I’m particularly unlucky today.”

He picked up his box, and he handed you your empty cup as well. You thanked him as he finally turned away from you and towards the mansion. Thomas had not waited for him, and was already rummaging through the bags he had brought in search for a new shirt.

But Ben had merely taken three steps towards the building when he turned towards you again.

“I’m Ben… by the way.”

He seemed a little shy. A little hesitant. As if, as soon as the words had passed his lips, he felt ridiculous for saying them.

You probably didn’t care what his name was anyway…

He was wrong though. You offered him a bright smile as an answer.

“I’m Y/N.”

He smiled back at you, a bright, wonderfully warm smile.

“Y/N…” he repeated your name under his breath, liking the taste of it on his tongue, the way it rolled passed his lips…

“Well, it was nice meeting you, Y/N,” he went on. “Eventful, but nice…”

“And a little painful too,” you added to his joke, successfully making him laugh.

“I hope it won’t be so painful if we cross path again during the day.”

“Yes… let’s hope so.”

Finally, he turned away for good, and soon disappeared inside.

You let out a long, shaky breath.

Who the hell was that…?

The ceremony went perfectly. Mary and Jack took their vows, and didn’t stop smiling for a second as soon as they shared their first kiss as a married couple. The rest of the day flew by with games, and drinks, and dancing, and funny speeches about the newlyweds and an awful lot of joy.

And it turned out that Ben was the groom’s brother, which meant that he was involved in every game and every activity planned for the day.

You were not one of the bridesmaids, but you were close enough to Mary for her to always look for you in the crowd to join the games with her, so you did spend quite a lot of time with Ben.

And it seemed that, somehow, Fate had decided to team you up very often. You were not, however, one to complain about that fact.

It turned out that he was a lot of fun to be around, and a little shy sometimes, and awfully charming with that. Which… did not help you focus on the games you were playing at, but it did make your heart jump in a very sweet way.

However, now was not the time for letting your heart be softened by a charming smile. It was a duel, a battle to the death…

… for the last chair.

You were the two finalists for the game of musical chairs, and the battle was merciless.

On the right, Ben Barnes, mischievously charming, winner of the previous round.

On the left, Y/N Y/L/N, ruthless and ready to push her opponent to the ground, but she had landed second on the previous round because of her stupid dress that impended her movements (or because she was clumsy and sat down next to the chair… we’re not sure).

It was time for a rematch. The duellists were staring at each other in the eye, wary of their opponents’ movements.

Until…

The music stopped.

It was then a rush of limbs reaching for the lonely chair, a bit of pushing and a lot of pulling and an awful lot of laughing.

You shoved Ben aside, and sat down, victorious, onto the chair. Mary was cheering for you, and everyone clapped and laughed as you shouted in victory.

By your side, Ben was laughing as well. He buried his face in his hands to fake disappointment, when really, he was grinning like an idiot.

The look of glee on your face had made him blush outrageously…

You had a little victory dance before receiving your great prize: a plastic whistle.

Ben offered you his open palm as the guests were looking for drinks again and settling into conversations, waiting for the next game or dance.

“Congratulations, it was a great win,” he complimented you as you shook his hand.

“Well, thank you, my good sir. You put up a decent fight.”

“Only decent?” he asked with a loud laugh.

“Well… not bad, I’ll admit.”

As if to make your point clearer, you put the whistle between your lips, and blew. Some guests turned to you their amused faces. And you successfully made Ben laugh some more.

“I’m sure you could lend a pretty good deal coaching with that thing,” he laughed, pointing at the silly whistle.

You blew again, with an interrogative tone this time.

“Hmmm… it would suit you just fine. After that pushing skill you showed out there, they could recruit you even in a rugby team.”

This time, you couldn’t help but laugh, and had to put down the toy.

“I was a bit ruthless, right?”

“No, I was too. It was fun.”

Ben started to fumble with his tie, until he managed to untie it, and he popped open the first button of his shirt.

“I did not expect that a wedding would ask so much energy though,” he joked.

You realized then that he had become a little dishevelled during the game, a few locks of dark hair falling before his eyes, although he didn’t seem to care. You decided that it suited him a lot…

“Me neither, to be honest. But I prefer it that way, I think. It’s a lot of fun.”

“Yeah, I think so too.”

You settled at an empty table together, grabbing a glass of water. You lost yourselves in a relaxed conversation about your families, your jobs, your lives. It felt familiar, comfortable. Like talking with an old friend you had not seen in years. It felt more like catching up, than revealing yourself.

It was a strange feeling, and you weren’t sure where it came from. Ben couldn’t really understand it either. He didn’t mind though. Basking in the warmth of the late afternoon, he decided to merely enjoy the moment, while it lasted.

The afternoon drifted into a warm summer evening, and soon enough into a bright summer night. Lanterns and lights had been set all around the park, revealing the beauty of the mansion and its architecture. It was a time for dancing now rather than playing, and after a delicious meal, most couples directed their attention towards the dance floor.

You had not seen Ben in a while. After spending most of your afternoon with him, you had gone your separate ways when it was time to eat, being placed at different tables. You kept on stealing glances in his direction though, which Mary did not fail to notice.

“So… you like my brother-in-law, huh?” your friend asked you, sitting down in the chair next to you.

She was taking a break from dancing while Jack was talking with a few friends. She took off her high heels, and let out a relieved sigh as her feet met the cool and soft grass.

You laughed at her, disregarding her remark, even if it meant blatantly lying to your friend.

“Absolutely not, what are you saying? I don’t even know him!”

“You spent your entire afternoon talking with him.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“You like him. You’ve been staring at him all evening. Besides, he likes you too, so…”

“He does?”

You couldn’t help but interrupt her, revealing your lie. Your friend laughed at you.

“Yeah… he does like you. He’s not even discreet about it.”

“Really?”

“Well, besides the fact that he spent his afternoon with you? He also asked me many questions about you…”

“And I’m sure you revealed my most ridiculous moments…”

“Of course not. I told him you were lovely. And single.”

“Mary!”

“What? You said yourself that you’re not looking for your soulmate, but that doesn’t mean you have to live like a nun.”

“I do not!”

“He likes you. And I know him, he really is a good guy. You should give it a try.”

You reflected on your friend’s words, but were left undecisive. You did like him. But it felt different this time around. Not like a mere crush. Not like a fling you knew would disappear on its own after a few months. You couldn’t explain it, but you felt like there was something important about this decision, and it made you afraid.

Mary was off with her family again, and you talked with a few friends as the night went on.

Meanwhile, Ben was puzzled.

He was puzzled because of you.

Because he had talked with his mother about this weird feeling that had settled in his heart and chest as the day went on, stronger, softer, warmer with every moment he spent with you. And his mother’s words woke up an old desire of his he had almost given up on.

You should ask her about her birthmark.

Why?

Was he attracted to you? Yes, absolutely. Did he enjoy your company? Without a doubt. Did he want to make you laugh as much as he could? Definitely. Did he feel pulled towards you by some invisible string, like a moss towards a flame? Undoubtedly…

Was it some kind of ‘love at first sight’ situation? A crush? But it felt different this time around, and he wasn’t sure why. And who better than his mother to advise him? But her answer was unexpected.

You should ask her about her birthmark.

Was it something to be taken so seriously? Could you be…?

He was staring at you, and he knew it was considered rude, but he couldn’t help it. He was hesitating. Even if he wanted to ask you about your birthmark, how could he do it? He couldn’t simply walk up to you, and blurt out something along the lines “hey, nice evening, don’t you think? By the way, what’s your birthmark? Because I think you might be my soulmate, so… thought I’d check.”

No, that would not do.

He decided that a drink would help, so he went to get a glass of wine. But when he turned towards you again, you were gone.

He scanned the crowd in search for you, but he couldn’t see you anywhere. Had you gone home? It was late at night, and most of the guests had decided to sleep at the mansion. You had assured him during the afternoon that you were staying till morning, so… had you left anyway? Where could you be?

He set out looking for you, a hint of worry setting a slight frown across his brow. When he spotted Mary, he asked her about your disappearance.

“Oh, I saw her setting off further down the park with a blanket. Have no idea where she found one though. I guess she must have been tired of partying, and wanted some quiet.”

Ben nodded, visibly relaxing. Mary offered him a knowing smile.

“But… quiet doesn’t necessarily mean alone…”

He couldn’t help but laugh, the tip of his ears turning red.

“I see… I wouldn’t want to seem too desperate though,” but he was only half-joking.

“Desperate is better than stupid.”

“Well, thanks Mary. I do love it when you insult me.”

“She likes you. Don’t ask yourselves so many questions about all of this and just… go with the flow.”

“Go with the flow?” he mocked her, but Mary didn’t back down.

“What are you so worried about anyway?”

“I don’t know… I guess… I don’t know, really.”

“Then… off you go!”

She gently pushed him in the right direction, and Ben could only yield, laughing as he walked away.

It took him a while to find you. You had followed a path that led further down the park, and had settled under the falling branches of a willow.

You admired the stars picking through the leaves, looked at their reflection on the pond that was splayed at your feet. There were lanterns set around the water, and a small picnic table on the left side of the water. It was quiet, with only the sound of crickets singing the song of summer, and the distant music from the party. Ben almost walked by without seeing you, hidden as you were by the branches of the willow. You were barely visible in the dim light, a blanket set across your laps and your head turned towards the sky.

His heart skipped a bit at the sight, but he chose to ignore it.

You heard someone approaching, and offered the newcomer a smile when you recognized him.

“What are you doing out there on your own?” he teased.

“Just relaxing. It’s been a tiring day. Good, but tiring.”

“Yeah… I agree.”

“You want to join me for a while? It’s lovely here.”

Ben didn’t notice the dreamy smile that curved up his lips.

“I’d love to. Thanks.”

He walked under the branches of the tree, fingers tickled by the soft leaves as he pushed them aside, and he sat down next to you. He started pulling on your blanket to tease you some more. You resisted, laughing.

“Stop stealing my blanket!” you protested, faking outrage.

“You could share, it’s cold out here.”

He finally stopped, letting out a laugh and setting his dark eyes on the pond before you.

He thanked you when you placed the blanket on his legs.

“How’s the party? Still going strong?” you asked after a short silence.

“Yep! And it doesn’t show any sign of stopping. Jack is wasted, but then again, I reckon he has the right to be tonight.”

“Mary is pretty drunk too, I’m sure.”

“It’s safer if they both stay away from the dance floor, I reckon.”

You exchanged yet another laugh, something that seemed abundant whenever you were together.

There was barely a breeze to shake the leaves of the trees around you, to disturb the mirroring surface of the pond. Waterlilies were in bloom, white and pink touches of colour above green leaves. The moon, high and full, shed a silvery light upon the world, painting the grass with ethereal hints on every blade. You barely noticed your fingers moving towards his, only when your skins collided did you acknowledge your movement. You couldn’t ignore it, given the jump your heart made under your ribcage…

You remained silent and motionless, sitting there in the night, fingers brushing against his and afraid he would pull away if you moved at all.

Instead, he wrapped his fingers around yours, gave your hand a gentle squeeze.

You caught yourself looking for any sign of birthmark, but just like yours it didn’t seem visible, not at first sight at least. It made you stare at him for a while, and he couldn’t refrain a teasing smile.

“Do I have something on my cheek?”

You jumped, looking away.

“No, no… nothing.”

“Why are you staring, then?”

“No… no reason. I wasn’t staring.”

You cleared your voice, fidgeting with the corner of the blanket.

“Why did you come out here, anyway?” you asked, trying to change the subject.

“Honestly? I was looking for you.”

His response made the two of you stare at each other. There was no one around, in the calm night; but you reckoned that, had there been anyone else, you wouldn’t have noticed their presence at all. Not when he stared at you like that.

You noticed the freckle under his right eye, found the detail endearing, for some reason…

You looked away.

“Why? Why would you be looking for me? Aren’t you supposed to be with the groom?”

“You say that as if I haven’t spent my entire day with him.”

“Just saying.”

“Well… I… I wanted to be with you instead.”

 “Why?”

You asked again, but couldn’t muster the strength to look at him. You noticed then how unbearably close the two of you were, shoulder against shoulder…

“I… I wanted to ask you something. Even if it’s a bit weird.”

The music from the party seemed to grow louder, people were cheering. A brand-new wave of dancers was standing up from and joining the jumping fray.

You didn’t care about it at all.

“Go ahead,” you encouraged Ben, as he seemed to have fallen silent.

It was his turn to nervously wrap his fingers around the corner of the blanket.

“I was just wondering… have you found your soulmate, yet?”

He tried to ask it in a nonchalant tone, and failed miserably.

At last, you turned your gaze towards him once more. It seemed that you had caught his whole world, trapped it in your eyes…

“No, I haven’t,” you gave him an earnest answer. “Why do you ask?”

He shrugged, looking more vulnerable now. Still charming though, he gave you a shy smile.

“Just… the usual.”

“The usual?”

“I… I kind of like you. So…”

He was surprised when an amused smile appeared on your lips.

“That was not very smooth,” you commented.

“Doing my best. But you’re not making it any easier on me.”

“Really?”

“It’s hard to be smooth next to someone who seems to be turning your world upside-down.”

You let out a chuckle, and it was your turn to be shy.

“That… was smoother.”

“Still true, though.”

You struggled to swallow, but forced your voice to come out anyway. You didn’t notice the way you held his hand tighter in yours.

“Have you found your soulmate?”

But Ben shook his head.

“No, haven’t found them yet. Have… kind of given up, if I’m to be honest.”

“Yeah… me too.”

“Besides… my birthmark is pretty hidden, so it’s not easy to spot them in a crowd.”

“Mine too.”

Ben nodded, and weighed his options. But he decided against asking you about your birthmark. It felt like it would break the charm of the evening. And this moment made too sweet a memory to taint it in any way. It could wait. For now, he didn’t mind not knowing.

“I was wondering,” he went on instead, “if maybe… after tonight you would like to… have a coffee with me, one of these days.”

You offered him a bright smile, somewhere between joy and mischief.

“That was smooth.”

“Thank you, I’m practicing.”

“I’d love that. Going on a date with you, I’d love that.”

He offered such a smile, it felt blinding almost.

“But…”

The curve of his lips disappeared.

“I don’t want to make you waste your time,” you added. “Because I really like you too, and I fear that we… we could get attached. Like… really attached. And maybe, if we’re not meant to be together, then there’s no use in breaking our own hearts by going any further than this lovely day we’ve shared. So…”

You raised your hand and revealed the three red dots crossed by a line, hidden on the side of your ring finger.

“I bet it doesn’t match, does it?” you asked, already disappointed.

But Ben’s eyes seemed glued to the mark on your finger, and you wondered why. His expression was unreadable.

He let go of your hand, and you hated yourself for feeling so disappointed to be rejected. You hated your throat for tightening, and your lungs for pushing out every molecule of air, and your eyes for watering. You were ready to look away to hide your reaction, when Ben lifted his left hand before you, separated his fingers.

You stopped breathing altogether.

Three dots crossed by a red line…

When you looked into his eyes again, none of you were able to move or say anything. You needed a moment to take it all in.

“So… it’s you,” you let the words out in a breath, shaky and fragile and hesitant.

But Ben answered with a smile, withheld tears making his eyes shine.

“Nice to meet you, soulmate.”

You brushed a tear away as you laughed.

“Smooth.”

“Not really. I’ll work on that.”

“It’s okay. I kind of like that cheesy style.”

You both chuckled, his hand falling to hold onto yours again.

“So… what do we do now?” you asked, shaking.

Ben shrugged, and you could hear in his voice that he was struggling to stay calm as well.

“I mean… I reckon you should definitely accept that offer for a coffee.”

You both let out a laugh.

You turned around as loud shouts echoed through the park, coming from the party that was still raging near the mansion. It gave him a moment to take a deep breath, to finally calm his nerves, at least a little bit. At least, enough to speak again.

“But I think that for tonight… a dance sounds like a nice beginning. What do you think?”

[raedshadowlegends]

LO Ep 249 (MINOR FP SPOILERS)

TW for SA

Ok so here's the thing. I've had issues in the past with this kind of topic. I don't want to elaborate much upon it but I just need to preface all of this by saying it is something that has affected me.

However, I am not normally triggered by SA in media. It takes a lot to get me to that point and even more so with a comic like LO. I just need you all to keep that in mind.

This episode has a trigger warning. I genuinely didn't this RS was going to include one given the preview on Thursday (It was a Hera/Kronos one btw). Since she didn't put a warning in with the last Hera and Kronos episode, I was pretty damn surprised there was one here. However this warning only said "abusive relationship dynamics."

And yes that was very prevalent. The ENTIRE comic was nothing but uncomfortable moments and a lot of moments attempting to "humanize" Kronos or whatever the fuck. There's a line that says, "The Titan King Kronos was a tyrant. But the Titan King Kronos was still a man." And it's disgusting. He's a tyrant! Hera said it herself! He's an abuser and an implied r*pist. And that just gets worse and worse and WORSE through the episode.

There were three panels in the middle of this episode that genuinely terrified me for a moment. Lore Olympus has never made me PANIC before. Despite all of the disgusting, rage induced moments, I have never truly panicked with an episode.

I don't even really want to talk about it because it was just so unsettling for me.

And this brings me to the thing I really want to say;

Fuck you RS. This is one of the most upsetting and insensitive things I have read in my whole life. What kind of story is this? What is happening? It seems like every week it's another piece of rage bait to get people pissed! What else could be going on here?! This is genuinely disgusting and I'm pissed off!

This story is being consumed by teenagers! Most likely, very young girls! With the bright colors, stylized appearance, and twenty billion ads on Webtoon, OF COURSE KIDS ARE GOING TO READ IT. This comic has some of the most uncomfortable themes and it wears them like badges of honor. The age gap being one of them.

I am terrified for the people who are younger than me and who do not comprehend the messages here. I am genuinely terrified. This comic is normalizing age gaps, power gaps, and for some reason ROMANTICIZING THE GROSS ABUSE BETWEEN HERA AND KRONOS, and young girls are seeing it. And they are internalizing that this is ok because it wasn't shamed in the source material.

We know what has happened between Hera and Kronos. We have heard about it many many times at this point. Why are we actually seeing the awful things told to us? WHY? It is not ok.

I am very sure that this episode and its contents only exist because RS has no idea how to follow up with the last ep's cliffhanger. She spent all her time doing nothing and now she has to come up with a way to pad things out so she can come up with a plan. Y'know, a lot of writers plan things out before making a story. Just saying.

But this is just not ok in any way, shape, or form. My skin is actually crawling from those panels. I feel disgusting. I'm so tired of this comic. I need RS to stop trying to "own the haters" and reflect on what she's done. This is far from the feminist its acclaimed as. I am so sorry to anyone who read this fp. This is awful.

I apologize for the long winded, not-sober rant. I couldn't not say anything about this one. Anyways, that's all I got.

[overthinkingtaleblr]

Tell me more about your Acachalla parents hc pls?

My Acachalla Parents Headcanon Masterlist

I don't think you wanted me to answer like this, but I was excited to use this as a jumping-off point. I hope that's okay! This is a couple days late but I had so much to say ^^; there’s a chance I’m still missing stuff, and I mostly focus on their relationship!

When it comes to two quasi-immortals getting together in middle age and having to raise a bunch of children after collecting enemies like it was a hobby for most of their life… no one can beat the Acachalla Parents. Papa Acachalla with his murderous ex-gangs and ex-spouses, and Gertrude with her frequently changing identity as she hides from literal space cops. Between the two of them, it’s surprising that either of them wound up assumed to be the “wholesome” parent, since I’m not sure that’s actually possible for either of them. The best part about the energy they bring to this relationship is that they Both bring it together.

While I don’t know if they’re in love in canon, to me there is nothing that means more to me than these two entities of murder and chaos swooning over each other. There is no i can fix her, there is no i can make him worse, they like the other for who they are now. Warts and all… So how did we get here?

General Headcanons

Controversial of me to myself, but I’m not reviewing old videos for this and I’m barely looking at the wiki. When I say all of this is in my head, I mean that literally.

Billion Year War - Gertrude is one of many characters who does not appear during the BYW arc, even though Papa appears frequently. Since Papa was kind of the cause of the war, it’s possible that he finally managed to do something bad enough that she couldn’t excuse it anymore.

Crimes - Papa is known more for his criminal behavior, but Gertrude has been a menace. Being together didn’t mellow them out, it’s only made them worse. I say that with love.

Date Night - Part of the reason why the kids have so many unsupervised adventures is because the adults drop them off somewhere random and tell them to have fun so that they can have some peaceful hours to themselves. This often involves getting them distracted before leaving as quickly as possible since the faster kids can and will chase the car home if they weren’t up for the day trip.

Paranormal Visitors - Not every ghost at the Acachalla house is a stranger, and most of them are from the pasts of the parents. When the hauntings first started, they usually pretended like they had no idea as to what ghosts they had a history with would want with them. After multiple years of this and some establishment of trust, they concluded that their connection doesn’t matter, what does matter is keeping their family safe first and foremost. They still don’t bring the topic up, but they’ll actually argue with ghosts now for being petty. It also makes it easier to work with PIE.

Raising Monsters - I’m sure only one of them would even jokingly refer to the Acachalla children as monsters, and only two technically qualify, but still. There is no way that they’ve gotten their act together yet— boy have they tried, but that just means they’ve failed. They’re not doing a bad job raising the kids overall, but they’re frequently overwhelmed and confused and there’s no guide for how to take care of your daughter who can turn into a demon or you son who claims to be a god. I think the chaos makes their organized moments all the more rewarding to Gertrude and Papa.

Relationship History HC

Crossing Paths in Cowboy Times

Gertrude is actually older than Papa by a lot, being a Gingarian alien. She arrived on the planet running from space police for crimes against her world that her family committed. She stayed flighty, moving from place to place on Earth to avoid being caught, and eventually finding herself in the middle of New Mexico during what would be come to be known as the “Wild West”

She intentionally chose a town that outlawed guns, knowing that she’d be able to crowbar anybody who aimed to do her harm and chose to work at a bank.

Papa Acachalla was running the Acachalla Gang while the real leader, his older brother, was dealing with a magical ailment no one understood. This was soon after he left his boyfriend to die when a heist went wrong, and he was having a really hard time keeping his head in the game. He probably would have lied about being sick if he wasn’t the only option.

Unsure who to bring with him with the list heavily exhausted, he decided to bring his younger cousin, Maxwell, allegedly to “get the kid some experience”. Real answer: he was out of options and desperate for an extra pair of hands. Maxwell trusted him, though.

Papa let Maxwell take the lead, borderline dissociating in the meantime while he wallowed in his own shame.

Gertrude, recognizing the Acachallas to be something that wasn’t human, mistook them for being apart of the police force she was running from. Taking advantage of the smaller one’s nativity, Getrude allowed him to come toward the money before bludgeoning his head in and threatening his partner.

Papa snapped back to reality in time to see what was about to happen, but wasn’t able to bring himself to warn Maxwell. He didn’t have the strength, physical or mental, to go up against this woman to get the kid’s body, either. Sputtering excuses, he turned and left when she told him to.

A diffferent group met the Sheriff at the town border a day later to pick up the body and take him home, though the woman who killed him was kicked out of town before they could ask for vengeance.

Though the local sheriff was happy to see the Acachallas leave them alone, Gertrude still got heavily chewed out for killing a child, especially in such a brutal manner. Not understanding where she went wrong, she sounded like a monster when pried for her thought process, making the Sheriff inclined to kick her out of the town. She was ready to go on the road again, anyways.

The Union of Acachallans in New Mexico started disappearing soon after this incident, the tragedy proving to be the last straw most of the inhabitants could take. Papa was left feeling solely responsible for the disintegration of both his metaphorical and literal family.

It wasn’t until years later that Gertrude came to understand how vulnerable humans are when they’re young, and this incident would start to haunt her as she realized she severely overreacted and someone died for it.

The first time the two met, they accidentally screwed over the other’s sense of normalcy and changed their life direction seemingly for the worst, all over a heist gone wrong… and they never even got the other person’s name.

First Connection

After almost two hundred years worth of downward spiraling between the both of them, Gertrude and Papa Acachalla truly met each other for the first time, entirely across the country from their initial interaction.

Papa didn’t jump around too much, it’s more like the world was moving too quickly around him. He entered and exited romances, he started working at a 7-11 when it first opened and found himself the manager and borderline owner just by being there, and he only got the house because he initially moved in with roommates who all left him. He had family in the area, but he never took the time to actually see them. He was drifting.

Gertrude on the other hand was rapidly oscillating from place to place, moving too quickly to really settle down anywhere. She would walk in, burn bridges, walk out. If her reputation in a cluster of towns got too high, she’d take a train to the next state and start over from scratch. Wasn’t just jobs and relationships, but her sense of self as well, Gertrude caught onto any new trend that passed her by, but got bored of it quickly. Part of her was only doing it to hide from the aforementioned space police, the other part of her was desperate for a sense of belonging.

So that’s how an overworked yet overpayed Papa Acachalla encountered an emo phase Gertrude in his 7-11.

I’m not entirely sure what happened next, but two things need to happen before Gertrude moves in with Papa. First and obviously, the two need to connect, actually communication with each other. The second is that Gertrude needs to encounter the space cop who’s been looking for her.

The way I’d suggest this is that Gertrude ends up trying to live inside the 7-11 without Papa noticing, he absolutely catches on like the second day but doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t care enough to bother.

The two eventually begin to chat from across the building, relating to each other a lot partially because of how secretive they both were being about their past. After a couple weeks, she basically became his unpaid front-desk buddy.

They’d sit in silence for most of the day, only really talking over meals. Sometimes Papa would order takeout if Gertrude mentioned being sick of noodle cups. They were beginning to get along.

After awhile of this becoming the new normal, the aforementioned Gingarian Space Cop (he’s an actual character, he’s named Agent Knock), comes in looking for someone of a different name, but it’s real obvious that Gertrude has been hiding since he came in.

Papa decides he’s siding with her over whatever galactic federation is in charge even if she WAS wrong and flaunts his metaphorical power as an Acachallan to get the Agent to leave.

Before feeling safe enough to be relieved as Agent Knock leaves, Gertrude realizes that Papa would technically be able to harbor her as a criminal. First thing she does when it’s all over is turn to Papa and ask if he had room for someone else in his house.

Again, overpaid, Papa doesn’t need a roommate financially. He does, however, live in a massive house that gets lonely, and he’s aware that Gertrude might just up and leave if the Agent comes back, so after a bit of waffling to tell himself that he’s not going soft, she’s just twisting his arm on the matter, he agrees to let her stay with him so long as she keeps her head down.

It’s not important for the list but Gertrude Does eventually kill Agent Knock good for her.

Adjusting to Domesticity

Two explicit criminals who previously incidentally ruined each other’s life— now living together under one roof, might fall in love.

Might have already fallen in love, but who’s keeping track.

Sadly for fanfiction tropes, there was very much not one bed in the house, so they wound up sleeping on different floors entirely in the beginning.

Gertrude hasn’t had a steady place to live in a long time. She keeps her belongings in one place so she can grab it all and leave at a moment’s notice if her good fortune suddenly sours. It isn’t that she distrusts Papa or what seems to be his kindness, but… it wouldn’t be the first time something didn’t work out for her.

The last time someone else lived in the house with him, Papa Acachalla was counting the days until they left and he’d have the freedom to do whatever he wanted with his own space. Now that they’re gone, nothing’s changed. Without having someone to interact with, the days began to blur together and nothing felt like it was worth doing.

Even just living together is enough to make life a little bit easier for both of them. Gertrude doesn’t realize it, but she’s stopping Papa from slipping into another stupor, and Papa is fully aware that his family reputation is keeping her safe.

It doesn’t take long for both of them to adjust to each other’s company, and when the children get added to the family dynamic as well, they grow closer as partners-in-crime (that crime is caretaking) as well.

As emotionally immature as they both can be, it isn’t the first time either of them had caught feelings like this. They’ve been burned before. With any luck, it’ll turn out okay this time around.

Optional: There is a chance that Billy and Sally entered Papa's life before Gertrude. I never considered it before now, but it would be very interesting for Gertrude to come in not just to Papa, but his adopted children as well. Lecture him for letting them get away with not eating their veggies.

Parenthood Attempt

Despite both of them having experience, to say either of them knew what they were doing when taking on the challenge of raising several children would be a lie.

Papa feels like people depending on him has only led to hurting them in the past, so he has a tendency to push the kids away, pretending like Gertrude is the only one who wants them there. If the kids ever claimed that Papa didn’t care about them, though, he would cry.

Gertrude tries her best to come off as responsible, but that’s because she knows they’re all human-ish. No matter how strong they seem, they will always be fragile compared to her. They won’t be able to survive forever, and she doesn’t know what injury might be dangerous enough to be their last, thus her protective parenting style.

Papa accidentally got Billy involved in a lot of stuff he was too young for and tried passing it off as after-school activities.

In fact, most of Papa’s group bonding activities are crime based… because the only other time he ever had to parent someone, his main interest was the gang Papa was in.

Gertrude genuinely thought Spencer was just low-maintenance until he one day vented about how much he felt like crap and she realized he was actively not taking care of himself and realized no matter how much he pushed away, he DID need her to make an effort.

Neither Gertrude or Papa know how to talk on the PTA without sounding absolutely insane, and both are fully aware that the other parents are counting the days until their kids all graduate.

If you asked if Maddie counted as one of their kids, Gertrude would explain that she was just a close friend who could be seen as a daughter if you really wanted, but surely she had other parents and they couldn’t just adopt someone illegally. Papa would think about it before going ‘sure, she’s one of ours’.

Johnny Ghost is an honorary Acachalla kid and almost had a stroke when he found out.

It’s mostly because he’s an ill-tempered orphan who frequents the house and can keep up with the chaotic energy of the kids and adults, and both the parents HAVE had to… well, parent him in a tense situation before. They’ve grown attached, he’s theirs now.

Addendum: ghost is not an orphan, he has a dad. He is so confused as to why they think he is an orphan but doesn’t want to tell them in case they decide the answer is to MAKE him an orphan.

Rapid Fire HCs

Gertrude proposed, but the rings are Papa’s. She used a random object as a stand-in for a ring since she didn’t know Papa’s ring size, and this gave Papa Acachalla time to tell his mother and for her to pass along his parent’s wedding rings like an heirloom. It was very touching for both of them.

If they didn’t accidentally screw over each other’s lives, they wouldn’t have gotten together. They both needed a hit to their pride to get the world into perspective. Before, Papa was too egotistical, and Gertrude was a little bit out of control.

Gertrude has a larger criminal record than Papa, but she lets Papa take the lead for larceny and stuff. Papa actually knows how to steal— Gertrude’s crimes are predominantly war crimes, planetary eviction, and murder.

Papa and Gertrude both like doing grand gestures, but they love the unplanned soft moments more. The tender moments. Their lives have been too action-packed to not appreciate the change in pace.

Sometimes shaving your husband’s back in a dark bathroom is a tender moment, idk.

Both have a skill-based preference when it comes to chores. Not because either are good, but more because there is one task they’re terrible at. Papa is a bit too experimental in the kitchen, and Gertrude mixes the wrong cleaning supplies. They’re happy to take the other responsibility if it means everyone in the house doesn’t die.

They keep secrets from each other, on purpose and on accident. When there are so many skeletons in your closet, it’s hard to know which ones should be dug up and which ones can stay. They’ve learned not to be too judgmental when the past gets dredged up.

Papa and Gertrude both come from absolutely massive families that they’ve been basically exiled from due to bad behavior.

Gertrude is on the space equivalent of a “no-fly list”, so any time they want to travel with her, they either have to fake her passport and identity… or find their own, unofficial methods.

Papa Acachalla is haunted by Jose Jose Jose Jose, who I like to see as an incredibly bitter ex. You’d think this would be difficult for Gertrude, but I think it’d be funnier if she and the vengeful spirit wound up besties.

On the other hand, Maxwell fucking hates Gertrude. Even if Papa didn’t recognize her from the incident, Maxwell did. It caused a bit of a relationship hiccup, but they worked through it.

Both Gertrude and Papa were disowned by their family after an incident that killed most of the ones they were close with, only difference is that Gertrude’s family still refuses to talk to her and Papa’s reconnected with his mother.

Papa has to do the taxes because last time he asked Gertrude to do it she told him she had a brilliant idea and explained tax fraud to him. He does not want to fight the IRS again, so he let her down gently.

An Alternate Understanding of their relationship is one that is more… “Should have been divorced a decade ago” but weirdly tongue-in-cheek and self-aware of the toxicity. I don’t like to do that one anymore because I prefer the conflicting tenderness of active criminals being caring and tender, but that read requires Papa to be genuine every time he says he doesn’t see the others as Family.

Songs and Why

- Tangled up by Caro Emerald (Remix)

“You’re quite the same | If love’s the game”

Yes, I was an animation meme kid growing up and this song has a soft spot in my heart now. I try to push it aside for these two, though. I want them to dance, and this song has a good beat!

[minetteskvareninova]

Oo what's the drama with Colin Falconer

I only ever read one book of his, but God was that more than enough. It was about Hürrem sultan... Well, mostly, there's this subplot about this chick named Giulia and guy named Abbas, anyway hon if you ever had trouble with low blood pressure, 10/10 would recommend, otherwise it's not a book for you, in fact I cannot imagine a book less for you if I made it up Goncharov-style. It's basically like Magnificent Century, if it was very much written by a western author and A BILLION TIMES WORSE

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century was a little unfair to Hürrem? In Harem, she's the most evil harlot to have ever been spat onto the face of the Earth by the hell itself. Seriously. Think of any redeeming quality she could have, quick. This Hürrem very pointedly and explicitly does not have it. Her love for Süleyman? Hah! She's been pretending this whole time to make Süleyman her slave! Love for her children? Nope nopity nope! This Hürrem actually lies to Süleyman at her deathbed that Bayezit may not be his son, just so he would kill him, because she wants Selim to take over. Not because she prefers Selim, but because she knows he would be a terrible sultan and destroy the empire she hates so much. Oh, so she's a broken, traumatized kidnapping victim lashing out against her oppressors? Well, I guess, but Falconer downplays this aspect of her character as much as possible, basically only mentioning her feeling "trapped" at the start of the book, just making her seem angry and not at all like she's, you know. Traumatized. So she at least has some empathy towards her fellow slaves? Or anyone else in the entire world??? No! This Hürrem is an absolute evil incarnate, like she does not do a single good thing for anyone else ever, even by accident.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century didn't quite do the justice to Süleyman the Magnificent? In Harem, he's but a pawn in the hands of eeevil Hürrem, who catches every bait, is fooled by every trick and unwittingly helps her fulfill every evil plan of hers. To Falconer's miniscule credit, he does make an effort to kinda, sorta make reader see what Süleyman sees in Hürrem, and at times he's almost an interesting character, but one of the greatest statesmen of the Ottoman history he is not.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century can be a little bleak? Well, In Harem, Colin Falconer has made it his life's mission to prove that he's the edgiest little edgelord, to only be beaten by Tara Gillespie. This book is an excellent example of wannabe gritty realism that ends up saying nothing about real world and not feeling real for a fucking second. Like, just focusing on the harem itself, the life there is presented as miserable, which, fine, we are trying to sympathize with these women... I would say if I didn't have a sneaking suspicion that Falconer lowkey hates, or at least does not particullarly care for the other gender. So what you end up with is an endless parade of suffering women that the narrative doesn't give any dignity, agency or empathy. The only exception is Giulia, whose life of repression and meagre attempts at reclaiming agency would be kinda interesting, if they went literally anywhere, but they don't, because Falconer kinda hates women, but readers even moreso. And don't get me started on the sexualization, because if Minette says you enjoy describing the titties too much you, you definitely enjoy describing the titties too much. Which together with the endless abuse of women just makes this book feel all the more gross.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century has a problem with not being critical enough of the empire? Well, Harem tries that, but then Hürrem is presented as irredeemably evil for trying to ruin the empire and tricking Süleyman into fighting less, which she does not do out of political consideration, even though her arguments make sense and it's probably what IRL Süleyman realized on his own, also saint Mustafa is still there and still as much of a brave soldier destroyed by the evil Hürrem as ever... Basically any effort at critique is demolished as thoroughly as possible by the sheer force of author's hatred for Hürrem.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century has unfortunately left out or underserved some interesting female personalities of the era, like Süleyman's granddaughters or the female buddies of Selim II.? In Harem, Ayşe Hafsa is... Well, there for a portion of the book, basically twiddling her thumbs, which is nice, because at least they can't ruin her. Mahidevran is yet another female victim without agency, just a bit more prominent than the others. Mihrimah is there for one scene, just to establish she hates her husband, have her exposited on by Rüstem and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE. Yeah. Like, fuck, this book almost makes me want to appologize to the Magnificent Century Mihrimah, she's a pretty unlikeable character, but at least she is a character. And Nurbanu? Nurbanu who? We don't know 'dem, and we certainly don't have 'dem over here!

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century was unfair to Selim II.? In Harem, he's a monstrous child rapist in addition to a drunken glutton. Also, no Nurbanu, because fuck you, reader, at this point of the book you really shouldn't have expected anything.

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century plays fast and loose with history? Harem can't even get the order of Hürrem's children right. Seriously. For example, Selim is the firstborn in this. Because why pass an opportunity to be pointlessly stupid?

Have you ever thought Magnificent Century is a bit lacking when it comes to medical knowledge? In Harem, an important plot point, by which I mean Selim's conception, hinges on a castrated man conceiving two children with two different women. Like a character in the book explicitly notes that unlike harem eunuchs, guards don't have the entire package chopped off, only balls WELL WHERE DO YOU THINK GAMETES COME FROM, AND YES THEY CAN SOMETIMES STILL HAVE SEX, EVER HEARD OF SHOOTING BLANKS YOU FUCKING GENIUS???

And just in case the things weren't bad enough, there's one final fuck you on the road with the epilogue, which mightily strives to be the stupidest fucking thing I've ever read - for me, a veteran of braindead straight women-oriented porn. Because no BDSM loving billionaire with a sixpack and big schlong can ever top this.

Basically, Falconer is trying to make his wildly historically inaccurate book seem like it's remotely plausible, which, cute, not the first time I've seen a historical novel do that. But at least they weren't trying to justify a man without testicles siring a child... And they didn't do it by claiming that every sultan before Süleyman was this mighty steppe warrior and statesman (after he portrayed Süleyman himself as a dupe completely ensnared by one woman's wicked wiles, again, adorable) and every sultan after him was this lazy, decadent tyrant, often also crazy (because sure, Mahmut II. isn't even in this book, but why the fuck not insult also him for good measure?!), so his argument is that "the line must've been broken". Because the great Süleyman the Magnificent (who again I cannot stress enough how not Magnificent he is in this book) couldn't have possibly sired a failson, his mighty sperm isn't capable of such a feat, it must've been someone else, like A FUCKING EUNUCH.

Now if you excuse me, I've gotten the long-requested review of this heinous book out of my system, please let me either drink myself to death, or detox by watching Good Omens, whichever comes more easily. Thank you and good night.

[highoctanegem]

Pointed views || Jade & Van

TIMING: Before Cass went to the farm upstate LOCATION: Sly Slice PARTIES: @vanoincidence & @highoctanegem SUMMARY: A mix-up in schedules forces Jade and Van into the same room for the first time since their fallout. CONTENT WARNING: Gun use tw, only in reference to past threads.

Another day, another shift. Jade took off her helmet and climbed off Roxie as usual, staring at the sign in front of her for a moment: Sly Slice. The gig was still fun, don’t get her wrong. But there was an obvious Van shaped hole in her life that made everything a little suckier. Like, since their fallout, Jade was finally able to notice just how greasy the walls were, or how faded some of the posters looked and… again, it was a stable gig, she wouldn’t just bounce when she had to provide for her babies and spoil her lady, but… it was different. It was worse. Van had been the reason she showed up to the shop with a huge smile every day. And Van wasn’t there anymore. Jade swapped every shift she had to give the girl her space. 

Or she thought she did, at least. Jade’s saunter came to a halt when she entered the place and spotted the cashier for the night. It was definitely not the guy who worked at Sly Slice to pay for magic school (?). Nope. Van’s gaze locked with hers before she could sneak out and pretend she had the wrong schedule or she broke a nail or whatever lie would’ve worked for Rocky. (When she batted her eyelashes, most lies did). 

And well, shoot. What was she gonna do? Jade approached with caution, remembering to run a hand through her hair to fix the helmet head. Van was right there, behind the counter. Jade had heard bits from the girl since that day in the cabin. From Nora and Thea and even Regan. Jade knew she was alive, but like… staring at her was like, so real. Her body buzzed with energy she hadn’t felt in a while. Happiness, lowkey. (And actually, had Van shrunk? She was so much smaller than she remembered). 

A billion sentences rushed to her head. ‘How are you?’ was the first, but also things like, ‘who’s taking you home at night?’ And ‘why did Wynne say you were attacked by a vampire?’ More importantly, ‘can you give me a second chance to explain? I’m not actively bleeding out this time’ also popped in. Instead, what she said was, “Wait. It’s Wednesday, isn’t it? It’s my day,” cause that was easy. That was like, just facts. No feelings involved. And well, both she and Van were so good at deflecting weren’t they? They hadn’t been sisters for nothing. 

—

Van knew that this day would come. That switching out shifts and skirting around Sly Slice would evidently land her right in front of Jade. She hadn’t expected it to be so soon, or when it was literally just the two of them. The cook was in the back, probably on the phone with his boyfriend. Which was fine, it was slow. It always got like this after college let out for the summer. There were a few stragglers, but for the most part the hours passed by slowly leaving much to be desired. It was when Van surpassed most people in Candy Crush. 

Her phone blinked an array of different light up at her as she locked eyes with Jade. Her stomach bubbled, anxiety edged with iron coating her tongue. She could pretend, couldn’t she? To not be bothered? To… 

“Uh…” Van looked down at her phone, swiping to the side. It was Wednesday. “I had to pick up Spencer’s shift.” That was easy enough, wasn’t it? “Something about some magic thing he had to do.” Yeah, easy. No lies. She had tried to argue with him, but he assured her that Jade wouldn’t be in. That had obviously been a lie. Maybe he saw what was happening and wanted to try and stop it? Or maybe he hated Van and wanted her to suffer. Or maybe it was Jade he hated. Regardless, the magic he spoke of wasn’t the real thing, but she wasn’t going to take the wind out of his sails, especially not when she had only finally accepted the fact that she had it running through her veins. 

“It’s fine.” It wasn’t. Not at all. Van didn’t want to be around Jade, even now. She remembered what the older woman looked like covered in her own blood, and possibly the blood of somebody else(?) She remembered the look on her face, the defiance for any other logical reason why she shouldn’t be killing people. And yet… 

Van looked back down at her phone, hyper aware of the way that Jade’s eyes lingered on her. She could do this. She could focus on Candy Crush, and maybe she’d restart She-Ra for the fiftieth time. She could ignore her. This would be fine, it would be easy. 

—

Spencer performed a disappearing act, or something. Go figure. Finally a trick worked for him, cause Jade was like, so over choosing cards and then lying when he showed her the wrong one just to be encouraging. (It’s how it worked, right?) (Cause it had to suck, being bad at the thing you wanted to be good at). Jade let out a knowing hum, hoping that whatever he was up was actually making him a better magician. “Mm, he asked me about rabbits the other day” she wiped the half grin creeping on her lips before continuing, “animals. For… cause tricks, ya know?” she pulled something out of an invisible hat to make the point.  

Van said it was fine. What was fine, actually? Not a lot felt fine. Regan felt fine, more than fine even. Like the wet bog of wonderful among a desert of definitely not fine. But Jade couldn’t always stay in the bog (she’d tried) (capitalism was stopping her). Right now she was definitely in the not fine lands. It was territory that got harder to trudge with every passing day. And like, she was stubborn enough to think she could get through it on her own and come up on the other side, but the vibes were more along the lines of, being waist-deep in some kinda murky swamp that would soon be impossible to wade. (Her head was coming up with a super interesting place. Deserts, swamps. She hoped there was a Jollibee somewhere). Weird tangent, anyway... Van said it was fine. Existing in the same space. It was like, a start at least. And oh, okay, girly was back looking at her phone (pft, young people, always…). 

Jade was curious if she was playing one of her games or if she was texting someone to come and bail her out. The nostalgia wave hit her hard, getting some serious flashbacks to the first time they met. Before she knew Van would like, become such an integral part of her life in town. She should’ve kept it light and breezy, shouldn’t she? She shouldn’t have tried so hard to find a place to fit. Cause duty would always come knocking to drive a wedge between her and… life. But… Right, they were here to work not… yap. Except, they used to always chat at work cause it made it fun, and there was always stuff to gossip about. 

Jade glanced at Van one more time before nodding to herself. (She had suddenly gained sympathy for Ruby and Amber, for some strange reason). She would be professional. She would! She walked past the counter, intent on heading to the small locker room and also just… disappear from Van’s life, but she didn’t make it to the door before she turned around again. She could tell it was a super slow night. There was nothing on the counter for her to dash out of the shop yet. Jade wanted Van to hear her out, needed her to know she still cared. If Van didn’t reply, welp. That was so chill. Silence treatment? She had the world champions at home, it didn’t even faze her. But there was something weighing in her chest. Like, actually important stuff. So instead of a one way convo, or a meaningful speech like she should’ve wanted, she went off the script. “I heard... You were attacked by a vampire?” her gaze examined Van’s body for any signs of a bite on her neck or her ams but… nothing she could spot immediately. “Did it hurt you?”   

—

“Okay.” Van wasn’t sure why Jade was still talking to her. Hadn’t she made it obvious by the stretches of silence? In the way that she’d done everything in her power to avoid her? It had been… not quite a month yet, but almost, maybe. Maybe it had been a month– Van had lost count of the days, had been too wrapped up in her own miseries, in trying to lead Cass from the ledge she balanced on. She was trying to help Nora, too. She couldn’t continue to tell Jade why she was wrong, only to be met with but this is my job. Van tapped around on her phone, not really paying attention to the shapes she was trying to match. She missed what could’ve been bonus points, and while she normally would’ve been upset by it, she brushed it off. 

Jade moved towards the back room, and Van felt a pang of relief. Relief, because maybe Jade would stay there. Maybe Jade would send her hearts in Candy Crush to try and communicate, but Van would still ignore them. Every single one that Jade sent had gone ungathered, because if she accepted them, then that meant she forgave her. 

The silence, however, was interrupted by Jade’s voice. A weighted question. How Van answered it would mean something and she knew it. She looked over at Jade with a blank stare, lips turned down into a tight frown. “It made me eat dirt. Not sure that counts as hurting me.” Van wasn’t sure how the different versions of vampires worked. If the same kind of creature had made the person under the leathery skin also eat dirt, if it had made it become that. Van should have been angry at that, should have been glad it was dead, but it wasn’t that simple. Of course she was glad she hadn’t turned into that thing, but not all undead were like that. There were people like her, like Jade– and the girl ahead of her had said so, had confirmed it. 

“It was fine. It turned out fine. Opened a portal, just like with the banshees.” She put her phone down, but didn’t let it go. She turned it over and over in her hand for something to occupy her, for something to focus on. “Why? You want to kill it or something? I’m pretty sure I already did that. You’ve gotta be proud, right? Following in your footsteps and all that.” The words came out before she could stop them. She was harsher than she meant to be, and so she looked down at her hands, tongue pressed into her cheek. 

—

“Yup,  that definitely qualifies as hurt, it sounds like the type of thing a school bully would do,” Jade gave Van a pointed look, cause why was she acting like it didn’t hurt to be humiliated like that? It was super weird. Maybe she was like, trying to downplay the whole experience, cause Van did that sometimes when she didn’t know how to react. Or she was still in a bit of shock about it like Erin had been. All that mattered was that she hadn’t been bit or anything too violent, and the dread she’d been feeling since she learned about it could finally stop making her belly queasy.   

Van had been saved by another portal. A small, proud smile reached her lips at that. She was getting better at her magic thingy (learn something, Spencer). She was using it for good, she was the reason Wynne was safe too, then. But whatever positive feeling bubbled inside her chest burst the second Van questioned her intentions. The tone stung, but again, she’d heard some variation of it before in other people. Why did she ask? Cause she cared about Van, was there supposed to be any other reason? Well, the way Van saw it, there was totally something hidden. She wasn’t deterred by a little dose of antagonizing. That was kinda her thing too, wasn’t it? “Oh, not really, nope. That’s not your burden to carry. You should be out there skating and having dates with Thea, and photoshopping people into worms, and playing all those games on your phone so maybe one day overtake me at Candy Crush. Not… dealing with bloodthirst creatures.” Van, like Siobhan, seemed to think murder was for funsies, apparently? Or that she did it for funsies. How badly did she fumble that conversation in the cabin? (Could anyone roll the tape?) Even Wynne, who had like, personal stakes (poor wording, whoops) in this had given her more grace. “I’m sorry you had to open a portal again, but I’m glad you and Wynne are safe, okay?” 

Being stuck between trying to defend herself and thinking there was no need to do so, made anger simmer in her chest. (Cause who cared what other people thought if…um, when she was right?) She counted to five, trying to keep it chill. If it worked with Wynne, it would work with Van, obviously. “I asked cause Wynne said you were attacked, cause I care about you, not…” And actually, forget about it. She kept her voice low, but her tone matched Van’s harshness. “But I would go after whatever hurt you, wouldn’t you, for a friend?” For Nora? For Thea? For Cass? For Wynne? Maybe Van was different though, maybe Van was more of a hippie than she initially thought. And that was nice, to be fair, that she could be the bigger person despite her height. That she could let things go and not react. But she would get her hands dirty if it kept the people she cared for safe. 

Jade thought of her conversation with Wynne. How much she had reread the script afterward. And okay, alright, she didn’t want to sound like that again, even if she felt the presence of her siblings looming behind her, asking her to stick to it. It felt like Jasper, by the way her head was snapped back to the pages with a little more violence than usual. Still, she did not read. She could be stubborn in both ways too, you know? (And that was totally gonna be a problem for all involved). This was the consequence of her own actions in a way, wasn’t it? When had she ever shown Van any other side of her than the fun older sister and gay guru? And so Van had been trying to grapple with a plot twist that had come out of nowhere and butchered her character in the process. She got it, okay? Van had zero of the lore. Also as a side note, she was also super glad there was no food on the counter for Van to throw at her if things got tense(r). The strawberry scent still lingered in that one shirt Wynne ruined. (Or maybe that was just the stench of doubt and failure).

Van was looking down at her hands, and Jade was actually glad. Cause she didn’t want the girl to see the conflict brewing behind her eyes, or the guilt deepening the lines on her face. She still wanted to be remembered as fun and easygoing, not broken or cruel. “I get the vibe… You don’t like what I have to do.” That was a contender for understatement of the year right there! She looked down too. There was no script in front of her. (And she didn’t know if it was relief or fear swirling in her chest). “I’m trying to… I’m trying to find a way.” Any time she tried to figure it out, she came up empty. She didn’t like Wynne’s way (it wasn’t technically their way, just named after them). Playing judge, assigning undead into nice and naughty lists. Putting all the flaws of human judgment on display. She didn’t like the idea of quitting cold turkey either. Never. She would… she could never. Not when human lives were in danger. The Bloodworth’s way still held most of the appeal, but she was beating on a dead horse by pretending it was working out for her. So what then? What was Van’s way? All Jade wanted was to be good. (But what kinda good was that?) 

She stared at her boots. Fixing on the blade she had strapped to the side of her leg. “I’m trying to find a way but… it feels like I’m leaving humans to die… or— or I’m condemning them to turn into the monsters that attacked you cause… And see! Vampires will attack, zombies will go feral, it’s… ” Van got along with Emilio, so there had to be some kinda wiggle room, right? Some version of her duty where she got to keep the people she loved in her life. Could she want that? 

Of course, the mention of love brought Regan to her mind, but specifically her reaction when Jade entered Zane’s house. She had been scared on his behalf. Cause she saw Jade as a murderer too, didn’t she? She was more comfortable with the idea of shacking up with someone who could kill her if she got a scratch, than with her, who she claimed to love. Jade couldn’t lose her. She couldn’t. She… Maybe, actually, she didn’t have more currency to keep paying the price of duty. That was it, she was empty. She looked at Van, her throat tightening. She missed her so much. “I should’ve told you before, though. It’s weird that it never came up.” like The Powers That Be dangled that one carrot a little too long that she almost forgot about it. But okay, they were here now. When would she ever shy away from talking?

—

Van flinched at Jade’s comment. What did Jade know about being bullied? Had she been on the other side of somebody’s vindictiveness? Because from where she stood, it seemed like Jade was the type to shove dirt into people’s mouths for simply existing. The undead kind, sure, but a bully to people all the same. She kept the comment to herself, not wanting to let Jade know things from her past and how they still haunted her, how she’d been relentlessly humiliated from elementary school into high school. Being different was what had earned her spot, after all. The part of Van and Jade’s relationship where she would divulge that information had caved in on itself the moment Jade admitted what she had done. 

Anger obscured Van’s vision as she stared down at her phone. The screen became blurred, colors bleeding together, the timer in the corner counting down, tick, tick, tick. She could feel it under her skin; the anger. Her gaze snapped up to meet Jade’s and her lower lip quivered. She didn’t like being angry, it didn’t suit her. She cried a lot when she was angry, so maybe she had always been an angry person, just in a different way from other people. Maybe she’d been restructured to exist like this, a hollowed out version of herself after everything she’d endured. Maybe she’d never not be angry, and maybe it’d always look like this, and maybe she’d always hate it, and hate herself for it, but it was easy to put that hate onto somebody else, namely Jade. Even if it wasn’t necessarily hatred, but something on the outskirts of it. Because in reality, Van knew she could never hate her, but she could delude herself into believing she was getting close. 

She couldn’t even correct Jade about the Thea comment, that they weren’t dates, and that she’d already overtaken her in Candy Crush, or at least gotten close. God, she’d gotten so close so many times. Van would have loved to envelope herself in the realization that Jade was proud. She thought of Emilio, and of Wynne on that night– of how they looked at her with a certain kind of fondness she didn’t believe she deserved. She had especially never expected to earn that look from Emilio. But as she sat in her stupid chair behind that stupid counter as Jade stood just outside of that stupid door that led into the backroom that would act as a barrier between them, Van had wanted it to be Jade there that night, all proud smiles and encouraging words. She hated herself for it, because wasn’t that lending herself to the purpose that Jade had constructed for herself? 

Van didn’t want to be upset that Wynne had brought up their attack to Jade, because Wynne didn’t know that Van was unhappy with Jade. It wasn’t their fault. “Obviously I would.” She snapped back, unable to hide her disdain for the question. Jade didn’t even know the half of it; didn’t know how many people Van had cut down to ensure her own safety and the safety of others. Would the other’s opinion change if she did? Would she pat her on the back, telling her she’d done well because she protected herself? The difference was, Van wasn’t going out of her way to find people to hurt. Jade was. She had admitted it! 

As Jade spoke, Van snorted. She dropped her head into her hands, scraping her palms down her face, pads of her fingers rubbing into her eyes as if to alleviate Jade from her vision once she opened them again. But no, she was still there as she looked up. “No shit?” She was being mean, too mean. This wasn’t like her, but she couldn’t stop. Was what Jade needed was for somebody to be so drastically different so she could see the error of her ways? “Does Regan know what you do? That you go and kill people just like us?” A brief pause, then she continued, “oh, sorry, wait, I forgot you don’t think they matter just because something happened to them to make them the way they are. They’re all bad for that, right?” Nothing had happened to her to give her her magic (she didn’t think), and from her understanding, nothing had happened to make Regan a fae, either. They’d been born this way (thanks, Lady Gaga), and so was that what Jade’s problem was? That something had attacked somebody else, thus turning them into what she envisioned as a monster? Some were, of course– the dirt eating monster, the ghoul like creature that attacked her and Emilio months ago. But there were differences, too. She knew there had to be, because Jade had said it herself: they were people, just like them. 

There were truths to both of their versions of the story and Van knew that. “But can’t you like, at least give them the chance?” They had tried to give Debbie a chance, even as she held the knife against their skin. They had tried to put a stop to it, but had ultimately fallen to the script of becoming a version of some kind of final girl. Van wasn’t proud of the times she’d taken somebody’s life, but it’d been out of self-preservation. Those faces still haunted her dreams. Did the faces of those Jade killed haunt her’s, too, or did she pin them to her memory like some kind of trophy? “Because from like, where I’m sitting, you say those things will always happen, but you don’t know that.” Van didn’t know that, either. “There’s a way to come back from the bad things you’ve done.” Was that true for Jade? Did Van believe that Jade could come back from what she had done the night she stumbled back into the cabin? “Maybe it’s better that I didn’t know, actually.” Even if she was glad she did. She was tired of living in some ignorant bubble, only to be popped when the going got tough. 

There was a brief silence, and Van almost dared it to eat her alive, but finally, she said something. The music that poured from the kitchen was abrupt, a soundtrack to the slinging of dough and cooked marinara. “I’ve done things to people, not just monsters. To protect myself, to protect others. It happens, it always happens. Am I bad? Do you think that I’ll always go feral because of my magic?” She could feel the tears starting to poke at the corners of her eyes. “If you want to like, make me see where you’re coming from, can’t you try and see where I am? What I’m trying to say? That there are other things, like me and you, that hurt people, innocent people.” Okay, so maybe the people Van hurt (aside from Diana) hadn’t been so innocent, but that wasn’t something she was willing to touch on, she was trying to prove a point. “I know I need to like, chill on the hate train for you,” she didn’t hate her, never could, but god she was so angry, “but it’s so hard when you admitted to hurting people for just existing as they were. It’s fucked up, Jade. Really, really, really fucked up.” The flood of tears was no match for the way she wiped her face with her arm. It came away glossy, and slightly stained with black eyeliner. Stupid fake waterproof makeup. 

—

Jade had no intention of pushing further after Van’s admission. Cool, so she would also go the distance to defend a friend in need. Cause yup, that was a totally normal reaction. She nodded, happy that she wasn’t totally crazy for thinking that at least. Relieved that despite their current dispute, they could agree on that front. Cause Van was the friend who opened portals to save friends from banshees and feral vampires, and Jade loved her exactly for that.  

But Van was still pissed at her, and frustrated (right? Was that what the facepalm meant?) so her sharp words were expected. Familiar, once again. Not from Van, mind you. But from others. Those who had walked away from her before. Jade was so used to it that she wasn’t rattled. But she was surprised by the question that followed. Did Regan know? Why wouldn’t she know? She knew even before they admitted their feelings for each other. But also, Van and Regan were nothing like the undead she hunted, what was she talking about? The air she was gonna use to interject Van’s argument only reached her lungs, cause whoops, Van quickly amended her words. And, she was right on the money too.

They were so not the same. 

Except Van’s tone was definitely one of disagreement with that statement. It was dripping with sarcasm. And it was also wrapped with a little bow of assumptions. Jade let out a weary sigh, shaking her head. She did not think they were all bad, (cause wasn’t that like a super arbitrary moral judgment anyway? What was bad for her was good for others and vice versa) But dangerous? Dangerous was a fact, dangerous resulted in deaths, which not everybody seemed to be able to make the distinction. And she did not despise them for simply existing or whatever else people jumped to conclusions when they decided to get into this conversation with her. She was almost expecting Van to tack on a ‘simple-minded’ as well, another buzzword from previous arguments, cause most people did not think her nuanced enough to be able to see the whole picture, to empathize with their suffering (she’d seen it in their eyes, how could she not?), and still know there were billion others to protect from their bloodlust.

(A kindness. It’s a kindness, baby, Ruby’s voice echoed with distortion) (Wasn’t death merciful compared to the alternative? To the horror of losing yourself to a monster? Didn’t she want to be kind? And fair and…)  

She let the question rewarding Regan go unanswered. Jade didn’t wanna ruin their relationship by dragging her into this. It was between her and Van. 

And… Maybe she should actually answer her siblings' call tomorrow, instead of ghosting them like she had been for a week now, under different circumstances (unpredictable orders, dates with Regan). Maybe she should let them set her straight when it came to all this discourse. She would be renewed, a new sense of conviction pulsing through her, and she’d be equipped with better answers. Answers that would appease Van. (That was what she wanted, right?)

But Jade stared at Van, listening as she spoke. Trying to pick up new meanings behind arguments she’d heard time and time again. Van’s suggestion wasn’t new either, but Jade didn’t jump with a ‘well, actually��. She waited. Maybe for the first time. Giving the undead a chance was a step too late. But she had also been there, done that. She had given Metzli a chance to try their luck at being a good monster. She had given Ariadne one as well, hoping there wouldn’t be a second accident. Did that make her look good in Van’s eyes? How? Why would Van want her to be a failure? Why would Van value her more when she was imperfect than when she was capable? Her siblings loved her when she fulfilled her duty. Their eyes never brimmed with more pride than when she succeeded. Why wouldn’t Van want that for her? (Why didn’t anybody else?)

She opened her mouth, knowing that agreeing with Van could’ve been an olive branch-type situation, but her stubbornness was rock solid in her throat, preventing her from humbling herself. From admitting she had failed to fulfill her duty. From admitting to her doubts, from admitting that this was a more complicated equation in her head than it used to be a year ago. She grew defensive once again. Cause all of this felt a whole lot like being asked to do the dishes when you were already planning to. She was already having her moral crisis, thank you for chiming in! She was not gonna get done any faster cause someone was hovering behind her.

She wondered, briefly, if Regan would be disappointed in her choices. (She shot that thought down immediately. Cause one spiral was enough for the night).  

It wasn’t all lost, though. And it did feel like pulling teeth to even get to this point, but she shook her head. Jade could concede that claiming bad things would always , a hundred percent of time happen, was maybe, too pessimistic. “I don’t know that, no…” but like, Van didn’t know if every undead spared was safe either. Wasn’t it better, to prevent catastrophes? Why should she play with fire like that? Leave that option open. She vaguely recalled touching on prevention recently. Was it with Van, or Wynne, or Emilio or Regan? Either way, she didn’t think it had been a particularly winning argument in the past. 

Van believed there was a way to come back from the bad stuff. Did she really believe that, or was she vouching for her own mistakes? Or for Jade’s? Or Maybe for Regan’s? Or Cass’? Or Nora’s? She resisted Van’s claim. (Why?) (Why did it feel wrong? Why couldn't she simply agree and get Van back?) Cause… not really, could undead ever be truly harmless when they had a hunger they would never be able to control no matter how much they wished to? (So why did she let Metlzli go, in that case?). Jade armored herself with the same old answers, but wielded none. Not cause she didn’t believe them. She did! She was right. It wasn’t the same… It so wasn’t. Apples and oranges!

(Except) 

She was transported to that moment, on the side road, trying to comfort Nora. Talking about good intentions, wishing someone would see hers. 

It wasn’t the same. Nope. She couldn't judge undead intentions with the same bar she judged humans. Except. (Why did this argument keep popping up?)

Except... she would willingly forgive and ignore and even encourage whatever confessions might come out of Van’s mouth at any given moment, right? Except, when Regan said she had pushed her evil granny to the pit damning her to die, Jade cheered. Except, no matter what mistakes Emilio made, she would still excuse him and she would still find ways to annoy him in the same loving way. (It was a testament to how much her friendships had diminished in the past months that she could only come up with three examples). So…

So. (?)

It wasn’t the same. But wasn't it? (?) Shouldn't it be? It should.

(?)

Breakthroughs, unfortunately, didn’t come with a follow-up manual. Or like a tutorial. It was just energy zapping her brain alight, adrenaline cursing through her, making her wanna take a lap when she’d never liked running in the first place. It was her belly threatening to empty its content from all the jitters. But whatever she was on the brink of, whatever new tune she was trying to pick up could easily be turned off the second she got on the phone with her siblings. It was there, though, wasn’t it? Incomplete lyrics dancing somewhere in her head, exciting new bassline beating in her heart, intriguing melody thrumming under her skin. She nodded, maybe it would’ve been better if Van didn’t know Jade was a slayer. Yup. Cause then, maybe, Jade could’ve kept believing everything she had been taught since she was a kid was the indisputable truth.

And oh, conversations didn’t suddenly stop just cause one’s beliefs were suddenly against the ropes. Or like, fighting against the knockout bell. (She really should’ve paid more attention when Jasper forced her to watch ESPN). Jade frowned, baffled at Van’s question. “You’re not bad” It was a reflex. Proving how innate it was for her to be in Van's corner, always. And well, kinda proving that… she could be lenient with other people’s wrongdoings as long as they had a beating heart, right? Her hands balled into a fist, noticing the tears prickling in Van’s eyes. She couldn’t do this. Not with Van crying. Cause if Van cried, Jade was gonna do something stupid like trying to reach out for her. And Van, who was pissed at her, could like, make a portal swallow her. And wouldn’t that be all kinds of messed up? She had to get back home to Regan. She couldn’t just… go on a little hell hole side quest. So she stepped back, pushing herself against the wall, hoping that would stop her from comforting someone who didn’t like her anymore. 

Van wanted her to see her side, which was a lot like Wynne’s side. Jade had a glimpse of it in The Creamatorum. She had admired Wynne’s naivety (not even in a shady condescending way, she totally envied that they hadn’t had to think about vampires that much before). And she saw it now too. From Van’s perspective. But like, it did hit a little different now, though. After Wynne, after Siobhan, currently with Van. And… would Van understand her side? Probably not. Not if she didn’t like, start from the beginning. If she didn’t drop a few juicy flashbacks. If she didn’t divulge what she’d seen, what had been done to her (hypothetically) to shape her into a half-decent slayer. Was she willing? To start from the beginning? To open some compartments? To remember? The scar above her eyebrow stung, which was so weird cause why would it do that? 

Not yet, then. Her heart curled up protectively (figure of speech) (she didn’t think hearts could do that. But she would have to ask Regan). And… she kept fumbling her opportunities to patch this up fully. Or like, at least get going. And oh, right… Van thought what Jade had to do was messed up. So really, no chance for them to see each other’s sides, then. Would she think of it so messed up if she knew Erin could’ve died in the hands of spawns a few months ago? 

Actually, scratch that. Seeing tears rolling down Van’s cheek might actually be a lifeline. Jade exhaled, shaky, tired. She focused on what Van knew. Which was… Jade showing up with blood all over her shirt, talking through the shock of a bullet wound about stuff that Van had probably never heard of before. And sure, defensiveness still simmered inside her chest, cause… all Jade had wanted was the benefit of the doubt, but it was quickly overpowered by the immense onrush of guilt. And shame and… She bowed her head, mostly so she could stop seeing Van’s tears splashing on her Sly Slice shirt. “I wasn’t… I wasn’t all up here,” Jade touched her temple. “Not when I went after the farmer. Or when I talked to you… not that entire month, actually”. At the time, the idea of righting herself the way Regan had by leaving for Ireland sounded all kinds of genius. But it ended up being more like, no thoughts, head empty kinda thing, didn’t it? 

There was a tremor in her voice when she spoke again, but maybe it was all in her imagination. Maybe it was just her resolve that trembled. “You want me to give undead a chance…” I have would not leave her lips, again. Cause why would she boast about her failures? “But what if… what if the undead I give the chance to ends up…” She didn’t think she had to voice the scenario for Van to imagine what she was implying. “What if…giving everybody a chance ends up in too many mistakes? What if… it’s a slippery slope?”

—

Van had tried to imagine how this conversation would go a dozen times over. Maybe more than a dozen times– maybe hundreds. Her dreams were filled with sightings of Jade, of the other woman’s laughter, of the smell of her bike’s exhaust fumes. Van would put on her helmet and hold onto Jade as she revved forward, and they’d experience all of the things that Van loved about Wicked’s Rest together. They would reach out to Regan after, and Thea, and maybe Nora. Cass would be there, too. All of her friends would be, and Van wouldn’t need to worry about Jade possibly killing somebody that she cared about. She wouldn’t need to worry about it at all, because Jade finally understood. 

But that wasn’t what was happening. Instead, Van was standing on the other side of it all, iron branding beneath her tongue as she tried to outweigh the negatives on Jade’s behalf. All Van wanted was for Jade to see her side, and maybe that was asking too much. Maybe Van had deluded herself into thinking that people would actually listen to her and consider her opinions. She was seen as a kid by so many, after all. The tears definitely didn’t happen, and neither did the catastrophic magic (at least, to those who knew of its existence). 

She thought of Regan’s expression, of the darkness to her eyes. She thought of the fear that enveloped her as she ran away after melting the chair, of how they hadn’t been able to talk about it until after Regan came back from Ireland, and even then, Van wasn’t sure that what they did was even truly talk about it. 

But if Van could talk to somebody like Regan who had showed actual anger towards her, then why couldn’t she talk (and trust) that Jade would have those kinds of discussions with her, especially when Jade had never really shown anger. 

Van’s fingers grew numb as she clenched her fists. She stared at Jade, trying to reimage her as the woman that she had looked up to, once upon a time. Her chest ached with the thought that she’d never feel that way again. Van could understand that there were some bad on the other side of this, that not everyone deserved a chance, but why was that one person’s decision. What if they learned from their mistakes? What if they found some kind of retribution? 

“Why do you get to decide that? You could say the same about me, about me deciding that they get a chance, but why do you get to decide that they don’t?” To color them all as the same evil was disingenuous and Van knew that. Because the evil she’d seen wasn’t particularly clear cut, and sometimes it evolved into something else, into something less than evil and more kind than not. “Isn’t it a slippery slope just killing people?” Van kept her voice quiet, hopeful that the cooks inside of the kitchen wouldn’t be able to hear their banter. 

“And don’t– don’t use not being here,” Van pointed to her own temple after wiping away some more of the free falling tears, “as an excuse, because that’s not fair.” She’d been told to be responsible for her action or inaction, even when upset, so why was it that Jade was going to try and use that as an excuse? Maybe it was okay, but Van wasn’t going to unpack that right now. Her mother and grandmother’s voice echoed around in her head telling her to take accountability for her actions, and so Van echoed their sentiments as she spoke to Jade. “Not everything is bad, and not everything is good, and I know that, I’m not saying that it is, but why do you get to make the decision on what is or what isn’t, especially before even seeing it?” Van knew she should’ve been angry at the person who hurt Jade, but they were defending themselves, and after Jade had explained that they were undead, wasn’t there a lot worse they could’ve done than just shoot her? Didn’t that say something about them? 

“It’s nobody’s choice. None of this is, and I think– I don’t think everything is all bad or all good, but you can’t decide that before it’s even been proven. Innocent before guilty, right? That’s what it is?” She had gotten the saying wrong, but she figured Jade would know the point she was trying to make. She felt like such an adult, having this conversation– arguing over morality or lack thereof. It felt strange, being on this side of things. 

“You told me they’re people like us, and you still make that decision to hurt them, and I think that says a lot more about you than it does about them.” Maybe some of the beings Jade referenced did deserve to be taken down, but why did she get to choose that? Shouldn’t there be some higher cosmic being? Something other than a woman with a lopsided smile and a weird fascination with a woman paler than the moon? 

—

“I don’t get to decide,” It left her lips before she had a chance to bite it down the way she’d learned to. The way her sister taught her. Her heart jumped to her throat, horrified by her lie. Ashamed she would even say something like that. (It was a lie, it was!). She chose this. This was her decision. Her calling. So Jade did decide it. Didn’t she? Didn’t the choices start so early, with her training? Like… the hours (so it wouldn’t get in the way of her favorite cartoons), the fit (that one pink jacket with the sparkly belt to holster the knives), the hairstyle (a brain so the blood wouldn’t get in there as much), or the snack afterwards! (choccy milk and cookies never hit harder than post stabbing). And when Onyx brought her her very first vampire as a birthday present, she got to choose which stake to plunge into his chest (which did make the crying stop before she could hyperventilate, so!). And later, she got to choose the crossbow as her preferred weapon, and so on… 

She chose. She loved making choices, so much. Maybe that momentary slip up was just like, The Powers That Be testing the waters, sending out early screeners of this new Jade to see what the audience thought about the development. Maybe she didn’t have to say that ever again. She didn’t want to. And she definitely didn’t want Van to think she was like, a mindless sexy puppet like Siobhan thought, so… clarified as soon as her heart stopped hammering. “I choose… what’s best for humankind,” it felt weak even as it came out but, better than… that other thing. And nope, she didn’t wanna think about Regan asking where in her list of priorities that left the Jade of it all. She wasn’t supposed to be selfish like that. Not with this.

Part of her was kinda glad she’d already made a stop at Siobhan’s a few weeks ago. Cause the second Van uttered the word kill in reference to her job, Jade almost saw herself fumbling, rushing to point out the biology of undead. They weren't alive. Come on…Why wasn’t Jade arguing that? It wasn’t a lie, but was it true? They were… not dead either. 

And while for Van it was a slippery slope if she killed undead people, the same didn’t hold up for the undead who also killed people? Those Jade had to be lenient with? Van was willing to give people she didn’t know, hypothetical undead, the benefit of the doubt. But not her? Still not her. That stung. Not that she let that show in her face. Cause she had to stay focused on the convo and in the arguments she needed to counteract. This wasn’t her first rodeo, in fact, this was more like an endless game of “no you”, and even Van was catching on. Whatever argument she threw Jade’s way she could’ve turned in the opposite direction. And Jade had played that game so many times that she thought she’d forever have the stamina for it. Except… she wasn’t sure if that was true anymore either. 

“But…” It seemed like Van didn’t want an explanation for what went down during the time she unraveled. Jade also thought it wasn’t fair, but probably for different reasons. Excuses weren’t the same as explanations, were they? Cause excusing her actions meant she regretted them at least in some way, or that… what she’d done was wrong. (She wasn’t wrong. She was right). In reality, she would’ve hunted those undead anyway, just… not wilding the way she did that month. Did she regret going after Monty? Not really. She regretted showing up with a bullet hole and traumatizing Van. That sensation she still felt deep in her belly any time she was reminded of it. And did she regret targeting Ariadne or hurting Wynne? Did she regret taunting Mack, or was she revolted that she had to escalate the violence to levels she’d never used before? Nope, it wasn’t an excuse, cause Jade didn’t think she needed to excuse her actions, only the aftermath. She was a slayer, it was her duty. (And finally! Someone hit play on the old tracks. The classics!) (They didn’t… slap quite as hard as they used to before though, did they?) 

“But, that’s not… that’s what you want me to do! What Wynne and Emilio and… You all want me to judge. I can’t judge.” Cause Jade wasn’t a judge. (Or a weapon. Or an instrument. Or a puppet) “I have to act. I have to protect. Isn’t that worse? To look at someone, ask for their record and decide how many mistakes is too many? To stake the one who killed six but let the one with five kills go by some… some arbitrary rule?” If that was the case, Metzli being dust should’ve been justified. Or Mack, for that matter. And very possibly, the gay cowboy doing nefarious stuff at Prickly Pear. Didn’t they all have concerning body counts? But people still resisted her going after them. She was pretty sure Van would too, whether Jade had in fact seen it or not.   

Even she let Metzli go, duh, cause Jade got soft and bought into the whole ‘attempting to be a good monster’ era. Just like she bought that Ariadne would have others to keep her in check. Exceptions. (Those were exceptions for a reason). What if being selective, what if the judging Van and Wynne and Emilio wanted her to do led to even worse decisions? What if it led to the people she loved getting seriously hurt? Why was she supposed to think about the threat’s feelings when she was raised to think of the victims? (And were those... Still the correct terms?) 

But she’d thought about undead feelings plenty too. (Cause they were victims once too). She knew Ariadne shouldn’t have been terrorized to death by some amoral mare going after a teenager. She knew Mack shouldn’t have had her career destroyed by a zombie. She knew Metzli’s shouldn’t have been someone’s pawn for a century, used as nothing but a killing machine. She’d thought about them… as the humans they had been before. And cause she’d thought of them from that perspective, she knew there was mercy in what she had to do. She couldn’t have anyone convince her otherwise.

“Innocent until proven guilty,” Jade nodded, understanding what Van was trying to say. Metzli was not innocent though, neither was Mack. Or Ariadne. Which made Van’s reasoning hard to agree with. (Boy it was tough, trying to peek through the blinds, when all her life her siblings closed them the second she got curious to see what else was out there). “And if I go after someone guilty you love, what then? Isn’t that a whole other mess?” She should write down these scenarios in a napkin and make up her own little code. “I won’t, by the way. If you cared for them, I wouldn’t,” she figured it was best to clarify the question was like, rhetorical. She’d already pulled the plug on some hunts cause Emilio and Regan cared for the undead in question. (There was a big, unless they’re a serial killer unspoken that she thought would be better left for another time).

But… she nibbled on that concept some more, glancing down at her boots, tracing the outline of the blade she had strapped on the outside of her shin. She didn’t recall referring to undead as people like them (humans). What was that? Not a Freudian slip cause there was nothing weirdly sexual about it. But something. Kinda like how some drunk people got super blunt and honest. A lapse? She wasn’t gonna say that she didn’t mean it, obviously. Cause then what? Van would wanna talk to her even less. Why did she say it?

She felt smaller than usual. There was a familiar vibe about all of this, though. It was like a throwback. Wasn’t it so normal to be chastised? Back home there was always someone berating her about terrible posture or technique or whatever. She held her voice, like she'd learned, waiting for Van to say her peace. For the first time since she’d arrived in Wicked's Rest, she felt like that kid her siblings continued trying to shape into something, anything, worthy of their last name. Only just… in the other direction. She would’ve been a little uncomfy that it was someone so much younger than her doing it. But it was Van. And Van had always had pretty solid takes about most things, right? 

So back to the conundrum being posed for her. If an undead being (with no proven kills) wanted to continue living their horrors, if they were okay with leaving their humanity behind as the decades passed then… then that was their choice, Jade could… stay out of the way. At least. “I can… work with innocent until proven guilty.” For now. Until she returned to California. Until she was free from people who wanted her to be a failure and she was back with the ones who saw the potential she had to be good.

And in the distance? The growing dissonance between what she was, what she was supposed to be and what she wanted to be, not quite soaring, but picking up an eerie crescendo that reached her ears. (Or maybe it was a metallic tray that one of the cooks had just dropped on the ground).

“And what does it say about me?” She sighed, looking up at Van. She seemed pretty certain of her words, so maybe she could help Jade (who was not a judge, or a weapon, or an instrument, or a puppet) find the secret fifth option. 

—

I don’t get to decide. 

Wasn’t that the messed up part about all of this? That choices were almost always out of their hands? That even if Jade insisted she wasn’t the one making the choice, her actions eventually made it clear that the choice was hers to begin with? Was that how it went? Was it really that easy? It wasn’t, and Van knew that. She knew it wasn’t that simple, because if it were, then the sinking feeling she felt would finally dislodge itself from the pit of her stomach. It might travel elsewhere, to the burn of anxiety, or the threads of magic that ran through her and manifest into something bigger, something worse. Was that how it was for Jade? That her something, her ‘magic,’ was constantly tugging, constantly threading itself through her like a wire, making every move that much more isolating? 

Because that’s what it seemed like, but if Van thought about it under those terms, then it became easier to understand Jade, and she didn’t like that. She didn’t want to be aligned with somebody who took the lives of others just because they had something happen to them. How was it for others, others that were born the way they were? Were there people like Jade who came after people like her? What would Jade say to that? That they were doing their duty? She had gotten close to the question, but hadn’t yet pulled the trigger on it, terrified about what the answer could be. 

“Humankind.” That word stung, because was she even human? She felt human, in the grand scheme of things— knew her life to be meaningless beyond what those who were close to her thought to be important, and knew that compared to somebody like Cass or Nora, she was nothing, but humankind still left a bitter taste in her mouth. “People like them, because they’re people like us, they don’t— they don’t deserve that ending.” They deserved a chance, just like everyone else. Whose right was it to choose death versus dignity? Was she in the wrong for fighting for the opposite side? 

“It’s not about that, Jade!” Van nearly tossed her phone from her hands as she flung them into the air. She caught it from falling, but it clattered against the counter as she slapped it down to prevent it from going all the way down. “It’s not like that, and you know I’m not saying that— that’s what you’re making up, that’s not what I’m asking of you!” It was simply about not killing anyone. She knew that there were people, things— whatever way you wanted to look at it, deserved to be pinned to the earth for the wrongs they had committed, or rather, beneath it, but why make that decision based on what they were alone? It was cheap, and Van thought Jade was better than that. Had convinced herself that she hung the moon and the stars, and for what? To find out she was a killer? For no other reason than the fact that something had happened to them? To prevent it from happening to somebody else? 

“I care about everything, everyone. Don’t go— don’t go after anyone.” Would it work like that? Would Jade take that to heart? The next time she was standing over somebody, stake in hand (ala Buffy), would she recall this conversation? Would the smell of marinara hang in the air, and would she have that same sad and distant look on her face? The kind of expression that told Van she was trying to keep the emotions at bay? 

But to her surprise, Jade seemed to… what, fall back on her heels? Van hadn’t anticipated that. She swallowed thickly, felt the iron slide down her throat. It left a tang on her tongue that she needed to get rid of. She quickly picked up the off brand orange soda and sucked it down, wincing as the sweetness mixed with the sour taste on her tongue. “That you’re afraid of things you don’t understand. I can get that. I can understand that.” 

She wanted to elaborate, wanted to give Jade… maybe not the benefit of the doubt, but something close to it— an exception that was closely monitored, maybe. However, the rush of a crowd, and the swinging of doors meant she had to pour her energy into something else. She quickly wiped away the tears and snapped her gaze over to the people who filed in, laughter filling the air. 

It was strange, living in worlds that were so clearly different from one another. 

She didn’t offer Jade another glance as she turned her attention fully to the customers, “what can I get for you?” 

[gamergirljournalist]

How video game journalism kickstart my media career

On July 8, 2024, it was announced that Kotaku Australia and many other third-party brands will be shut down by Nine Entertainment/Pedestrian Group. When the news broke, many journalists who lost their jobs mourned. The same can be said for other journalists and Australian media members, who emphasized that this is another blow in Australian media. This was somewhat expected as the Nine Network announced that it would lay off multiple staff members due to budget cuts as the Australian media giants could not renew a deal with Meta under the media bargaining code.

As someone who has worked professionally in journalism since 2018, I feel for these people. At the same time, it's a shock to see how the gaming and tech news space is slowly dwindling. I know this first-hand as my old place of employment was the first to stumble, which led to many of my co-workers losing their jobs, just days before Christmas.

So as part of my "Australian Gaming Journalism" Eulogy, here is my take on the whole situation, how gaming journalism is important and how it kickstarted my career.

Where it all began

Video game journalism played a huge role in my career as it was where people noticed my potential to play a role in this industry before I realized it was my calling.

In 2012, my dad was approached by a convention attendee, asking if I was his daughter because my Q&A question during the EBGames Expo was "really good" for someone my age. My question addressed mental health in video games, and whether it made things better or worse.

The next was in 2016. My first year journalism class had this non-graded assignment, where we were tasked to listen to the people we passed by and pitch something the next day. This was supposed to teach us that "a story can be found anywhere, even in everyday conversation." My first pitch was "I witnessed Opal ticket officers playing Pokemon GO using the same device to check our tickets. while on the job" My lecturer got excited for a second and told me to write a full report, like actually report on it. I was still a first year university student, and I had no idea what just happened.

Sadly, I didn't get the chance to do so due to a variety of reasons, one of them being I didn't have media law training yet to report on something that involved Opal and NSW Transport. But this first pitch made my lecturer see something in me that I have yet to discover. I did make up for it by covering the Phil Spencer's keynote address for the student newspaper.

TLDR - Video games made people notice that I have the potential to become a journalist.

There is more to video game journalism than just reviews

Video game journalism is more than just "video game reviews" or talking about the next game release. It's about reporting on the latest happenings in the industry, the shifts game devs are making, and how this billion-dollar industry is impacting society.

And it's not just my personal stories. There were other events in this field worth talking about. There are video game influencers raising funds for charity, indie companies making strides and making innovations, how accessibility and representation became a form of discussion, video game preservation, media adaptations, and in some cases, how video games are being utilized by the government (looking at you City of Melbourne).

Video Games shaped my journalism career

For those saying "video game journalism is a waste of resources," think again. My career started with video game journalism. People saw potential in a young girl who had no idea what she was doing. She just pitch and ask questions in a topic that was very familiar to her. All of this shaped my career and I'm truly grateful for it.

Not only did this journalism genre shape my career, but it also got me recognized in the Australian journalism space. It also gave me the opportunity to expand my passion and consider entertainment and pop culture reporting. Meanwhile, other reporters who started in video game journalism expanded towards science, tech and IT, and business reporting. I know someone who's trying to get a PHD because of it. This niche genre is a launchpad for so many reporters and other professionals and it's a shame that it's completely underfunded.

This is a niche in journalism that needs respect and recognition as it gives up-and-rising writers a platform to get published and write something they're passionate about. It's not a waste of time, it's a valuable resource with untapped potential.

[iantimony]

this tuesdaypost was drafted on monday, please clap

we are cookin with Gas this week

listening: listened to antimai a few times through, favorite track i think is 'ring 5: middle class'. dorian electra - man to man: really fun video too charasho (benny friedman): was linked in jew chat. very charming and funky. 5 Old French Dances: No. 5. Le Basque (arr. for 2 recorders and harpsichord): i heard this a billion year ago on the radio (my wakeup radio station on my alarm clock is classical) and i finally got around to saving a link for it. very bouncy very cute. makes me think of rabbits running in circles a la beatrix potter.

EDIT TO ADD: i also finally listened to beyonce 'cowboy carter'!! i know im late! it's good i like it! not a revolutionary opinion! obsessed with her jolene cover! that's all!

reading: big one this week! i FINISHED 'the left hand of darkness'! i really liked it! still marinating on the themes etc. i started 'the dispossessed', also by le guin, and am devouring that as well. there's some stuff in there that oof ough. existential. but i'm liking it so far, i'm around chapter 5 right now. physicists!

fanfic: imposter syndrome (mikkeneko): i might have already linked it but i can't be assed to go back through a few weeks of tuesdaypost to see if i already have. so if i did, here it is again. really charming premise, gut-punch of an ending, cool twist on the doppelganger setup from dungeon meshi with svsss.

the articles, some of which were actually read a while ago but i forgot to link and am now cleaning out my phone tabs: how will the golden age of 'making it worse' end? (david roth) new canada policy lets indigenous people reclaim their names (emma bowman) what happens to the stay-at-home girlfriend after a breakup? (erika w smith) unschooling is the parenting trend that's pissing everyone off (ej dickson) in defense of 'coffee badging' (monica torres): if i had a job that was all zoom calls i would literally go insane over being made to go into an office to take zoom calls. fuck that what my mother's wardrobe taught me about style and grief after she died: thinking a lot about all my dad's shit will semen destroy your shower drain? granny davis' geocaching page: found when i was looking at some reviews for caches near my apartment. im kind of obsessed with her. she also has a facebook page called 'granny's geo page' if you don't have a geocaching account. literally she is everything to me. she has found So Many fucking geocaches good god. wedding trivia questions: used as reference to create some wedding trivia for a bridal shower! similarly, the wikipedia page for morganatic marriages my fight with a sidewalk robot (emily ackerman): my school has these. hate them. my boyfriend just linked this to me and im obsessed, laser etched paperweights, i am not a huge paperweight girlie but wowwww prettyyyyy. the electron orbitals!!!! i had a search open for "anti mega #1 cray street". i have no idea what this is.

special edition: the link dump from my trip to the uk last month! some very related to the trip itself, a few random extras! top of the poops, an architectural firm bc i saw a sign with their logo and thought it was cool but now i can't find their logo, waring ader space invaders because i saw someone's shirt with the little space invader guys and was like ooh the tate museum joel meyerowitz (and another page about him) wikipedia on gratin dauphinois, wikipedia page on doncaster for some reason i did not go there list of artworks at the national portrait gallery of scotland wikipedia page on the jacobite uprising of 1745 washi tape that would match the edinburgh one i bought there, tintin in the land of the soviets postcard that i didnt end up getting wikipedia for a quaich which is a traditional scottish bowl, a wiki page on the geology of arthur's seat, a book in the scottish national galleries that i thought about purchasing but didn't want to try and fit in my luggage (she is definitely one of my new favorite artists though) wikipedia page on lauryn hill for some reason not sure how i got there, wikipedia page on salome halpir this post was on tumblr and i tried to find the item in the victoria and albert museum but it was sadly not on display, one of the audio guides i listened to a bit of in the v & a, a scarf i almost bought in the v & a a google search for the fabric library at harrods because my mom mentioned that it existed but i could not find it search for blinq (apparently spelled that way) blossoms because of a cocktail my brother's friend ordered that had one as a garnish wikipedia page on the mechanical explanations of gravitation

watching: from wool to cloth using a historical weaving technique (jillian eve): oughhh colors

emma in the moment/made in the moment: a deep dive into the chunky boy crochet lore the crochet stardew valley pillow drama untangling the shocking tale of mystical creations yarn i tried red heart's new all in one granny square yarn

some crochet tips videos from play hooky with me

tiffanyferg: 'personal style' discourse hgtv is a gentrification masterclass cleantok villains and the morality of messiness

playing: a teeny bit of wizard101

making: fallow. well i guess i drew on some cards for my friend's bridal shower. but generally fallow.

eating: made deb smittenkitchen's delicious carrot cake recipe. mine was a little ugly but really really delicious. i bought a bag of preshredded carrots and just sort of roughly chopped em up a little smaller because i couldn't be assed to grate them. i also couldn't be assed to trim the cakes, i did two smaller round pans and stacked them up but because i didn't trim them they were a little wibbly. oh well.

i'm going to bake another cake for my brother's birthday next weekend and i'm between her chocolate olive oil cake (looks really easy) and bittersweet chocolate and pear cake (a little more involved but highly recommended by bee)

misc: my mom wanted to take a sailing class but didn't want to do it alone so she offered to pay for me to come. sure, said i! i have never sailed! i like learning new skills! reader, it is So Fucking Hot Outside. the wind died and we had to get towed back to shore. the sun was so strong. there are so many ropes with all different names and they all Do Something. sunday's class got cancelled/rescheduled because the weather was That Bad (hot as fuck and no wind) so we're doing it probably friday instead (and saturday. and sunday. it's two weekends in a row of both days at 9am yayyyyy) but i just hope the weather is. better.

[luxurybrownbarbie]

Hi! i have a therapy session coming along soon and i am going to confront my therapist regarding some things she has said...one of them being mentioning's of infidelity, she made comments which i feel like minimised cheating by saying 'sometimes good people do bad things..' and 'most people cheat bc they are insecure' etc

what are your thoughts on this and how would you go about confronting someone (i am not the best at it)

thank you x

This is way late, but I hope you managed to speak your piece and have managed to find a therapist who fits you better! 💛

Answering the last part of your message first: I cannot relate to disliking confrontation, but I generally think it’s best to remember that confrontation comes from care! Someone you care about being willing to bring something to you that made them sad/hurt/uncomfortable means they 1) care enough about you to bring it forward, 2) trust enough in your reaction that they will put themselves into a vulnerable space, and 3) actually value you what you say, including your thoughts and opinions. Confrontation gives clarity and helps build trust. And you can confront something without being cruel or combative. Confrontation can be as simple as saying, “Okay girl, what’s going on? Last Friday you were not acting like yourself.”

Now, onto the first part of your message. Infidelity is a sore spot for a lot of people, and I have very nebulous thoughts on it as a whole. I generally forgive women who cheat, I don’t think I’ve ever forgiven a man who has cheated. But in all honesty for me (just me!), there are far worse things that can happen in a relationship.

Especially because 95% of the time, infidelity is very cut and dry. When it happens, you know exactly what your partner thinks of you and you know exactly how much they value you and the relationship. It’s very rare in relationships to have that level of clarity on how the other person views you.

I don’t particularly care about it. If it ever happens, I’m going to pack their stuff and leave it on the front porch. Prenups have infidelity clauses for this exact reason. I’d be more offended if my partner cheated and then asked me to work through it, like, am I a doormat to you? Please be serious. And the girlies who take their cheating partners back and then spend the rest of their days giving themselves high blood pressure due to their elevated cortisol levels stress me out. Just *leave*! Risking a stroke for what reason?

This might be controversial to say, but I don’t think cheating is as strong of a dealbreaker to people as they think it is. If it were, we wouldn’t have so many advice columns, posts, subreddits, and therapists who all spend their time helping couples “move past” infidelity. People would just go. And truly, by staying, people are punishing themselves more than they’re punishing the person who cheated. That man got to have a no strings fling, come back and grovel for a bit, and still keep his family. That’s crazy.

I love her, but every five business days Gabrielle Union tells us how she’s never forgiven her husband or the outside child he had, but she’s still there. Who do you think is actually suffering more in this scenario?

Meanwhile Mackenzie Scott read the most embarrassing series of adulterous sexts in history and immediately retained her lawyer and got a tidy 64 billion dollars. Imagine if Jeff got to say “Sorry, I guess?” and stay with her. Imagine that.

[babybluebanshee]

Movies I Watched in 2023, Worst to Best

I watched 60 movies this year. Imma tell you about them. Also spoilers throughout, obviously.

60. Cats (2019): Genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I paid to see Meet the Spartans in theaters. Very glad I drank heavily before viewing this. Can’t tell if it was worse because I’m a fan of the musical or not. I saw this movie and everything is worse now.

59. The Taking of Deborah Logan: Actually a really sound premise that goes off the rails and not in a good way. The lady who plays Deborah deserves an Oscar. Nothing worse to me than wasted potential, and this took a legit unnerving premise and made it a standard demon plot and I’m so very tired of that. Sorry @vaultsy

58. Red String and Blood Tea: This all means something, I just know it, but damned if I know what it is. I can’t really say anything that bad about it because stop motion is an intense labor of love and this clearly took a lot of time and effort, but it just didn’t leave much more of an impression on me.

57. Freddy vs. Jason: I wanted to like this movie really bad, and there were times when I did. But the 2000s stink was positively radiating off it - the slowed down footage, the nu metal blaring everywhere, the shitty costuming, it’s everywhere. Save yourself some time and just watch one of those YouTube videos where someone scrubs the whole movie for just Freddy and Jason’s bits.

56. Ladybug and Cat Noir: The Movie: Look, my girlfriend loves Miraculous. I couldn’t care less about it, but she really wanted me to see this movie and I love her very much. At least it’s very beautiful to look at and it did what it took the tv series a billion years to do.

55. Scrooge: A Christmas Carol: I’m gonna level with you - I watched this because gilf Scrooge intrigued me. Now that we have that out of the way, I can say aside from that, there’s nothing in this movie to really set it apart. A few arbitrary changes and making Scrooge more of an intentional asshole doesn’t set it apart from the millions of other adaptations of this story.

54. From Dusk Till Dawn: The line that separates the Tarantino aspects of this movie from the Rodriguez aspects of it is about as subtle as a brick to the head, but it’s there, and honestly? I wish we would have focused more on the Rodriguez parts. Call me a plebeian, but I never have been fond of Tarantino’s style, nor am I particularly interested in his barely concealed foot fetish. Remake this as two separate movies and I’ll watch the one with the rad ass vampires.

53. Beauty and the Beast (1946): Is this a horror movie? I think this was supposed to be a horror movie. I can’t really fathom how this is supposed to be romantic when there’s creepy living statues, human arm candelabras, and the Beast stealing his romantic rival’s face when he transforms into a human man.

52. Gaslight: Can be genuinely gripping in places, but also kind of boring in a plodding way. The acting is pretty great though - Charles Boyer is an amazingly effective villain and I wanted to give poor Ingrid Bergman a hug.

51. The Bob's Burgers Movie: Kevin Kline and Zach Galifinakis need chiropractors from carrying this movie on their backs. Like, it’s fine if you’re a big fan of Bob’s Burgers (and I was on a BB jag at the time), the songs are fun, and the animation is gorgeously bouncy, but it suffers from the same thing that most movies based on tv shows do - it just feels like a longer episode of the show.

50. The Addams Family: A classic for a reason, though maybe with a bit less pathos than I was anticipating. Still fun, just not as fun as the movie that would come after it.

49. Suspiria: Pretty to look at and goddamn that soundtrack. Not a favorite, but it’s such a cerebral experience that you almost don’t mind all that much.

48. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Kind of suffers from the same problems as Suspiria, with the leg-up of having an absolute banger of a third act. Also Franklin is the worst. Most of the problems in this movie could have been avoided if Franklin wasn’t around. The other ones could be solved by not trespassing on private property.

47. Paprika: Also a very cerebral film, and just as fun to look at. It’s slightly too charming to ever really be boring, but it’s still just kinda meh.

46. They Live: Fun alien designs and a neat idea. Has too many dead Keith Davids to get any higher on the list.

45. Wes Craven's New Nightmare: A fun spin on a dying franchise. I will never stop laughing at Freddy’s stupid trenchcoat and emo boots tho.

44. Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Warriors: More horror adventure than straight horror, but still fun and inventive. Probably has some of the most creative kills in the whole franchise (Freddy leading someone around by their exposed tendons, hello). My only complaint is that the absolute bitch doctor didn't get eviscerated.

43. But I'm a Cheerleader: The gays can have a silly high school rom com. As a treat. I also appreciate the movie adding in that the bible-thumping heteros tend to sexualize kids more than any queer person on this planet.

42. Psycho Goreman: I would like to congratulate PG on his coming out. Mimi was almost too annoying to be tolerable, but this is still a really fun movie with cool creatures and a lot of great humor.

41. Howard: Hi, catch me crying in the last fifteen minutes of this movie. Howard Ashman was an amazing talent and I’m forever depressed that we lost him far, far too early.

40. Little Shop of Horrors: Yeah, this is the first time I’ve ever seen the movie version of this. Gimme a break, I like the musical ending better. That being said, this movie is great camp fun and I love how much love and care was put into it. Also that Audrey II puppet will never fail to impress me.

39. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark: I would like to personally thank Cassandra Peterson for making this stupid, sexy, campy romp that made my life infinitely better.

38: Weird: The Al Yankovic Story: RIP Weird Al Yankovic, wish you could have seen the fabulous movie they made about you before you were gunned down by the cartels.

37. Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves: Another movie I saw at my girlfriend’s request, but I also would have wanted to see it for those motherfuckin creature effects. Jarnathan is my husband and I love him dearly.

36. The Super Mario Bros. Movie: Chris Pratt wasn’t in this movie, what are you talking about? It was just Jack Black and Charlie Day having a good time and being extra adorable. That’s all there was. There is no Crisp Rat in my wonderful Mario movie.

35. Black Swan: I’ve heard this described as “live action Perfect Blue” and…yeah. Also I could write entire essays about how Nina’s mother may or may not exist, but we’re not getting into that today.

34. The Wolf House: On a purely technical level, this is a fucking masterpiece. It’s all stop motion (which as previously mentioned is not for the faint of heart), with creative camera work that makes it look like one, long, continuous shot. Add to that the stunningly creepy atmosphere and the framing device of this being a recruiting tool for a cult, and it’s a beautiful nightmare.

33. How to Survive a Plague: Another one that made me weep like an infant. I prefer the book, but this is still a gorgeous tribute to everyone we lost and how far we’ve come.

32. The Girl With All the Gifts: A fun take on the zombie mythos. Also, I for one welcome our new Hungry overlords.

31. Basket Case: Was initially very dubious about the supposed pathos of this film, only to be pleasantly surprised by how true that is. Yes, this movie is schlocky and sleazy (could have lived a long, happy life without ever seeing the Basket Case puppet hump a corpse), but it’s still a great little B-movie.

30. Belle: I’m always a slut for a Beauty and the Beast story, and this one is just hella gorgeous. I would have preferred an extra scene of Justin getting his ass obliterated, but what we did get was wonderful.

29. Nerdy Prudes Must Die: Not my favorite Hatchetfield musical (Black Friday my beloved), but Starkid never put out anything bad. Always a pleasure to see what the Lords in Black are up to.

28. The Sea Beast: I need Grandpa Crow yesterday. Other than that, this was a fun little adventure film that gave me my dose of found family juice. And also it made me realize that there aren’t a lot of straightforward pirate movies anymore? Like, POTC really burned everyone out on those for a while, huh?

27. King Kong (2005): I’ve heard this movie called bloated and boring, but I actually think I love it? Like…maybe it’s just because I’m a monster fucker, but the companionship between Ann and Kong is so beautiful and sad and I nearly burst into tears while she was trying to comfort his as he died. Just let the goddamn gorilla ice skate, you monsters!

26. The Celluloid Closet: Had the opposite of How to Survive a Plague happen - I read the book and wasn’t nearly as moved as I was watching the people actually involved in making these films or other queer icons talking about them. Maybe it was the lack of academic language that made it so much more effective, but while the book is still great for film scholars, the movie is a must-watch for literally everyone.

25. Nimona: We need more feral female characters in general. Also I would never in all my life believe Ballister was a bad guy, simply because he has the most innocent, watery eyes I’ve ever seen that weren’t attached to a small, damp mammal.

24. Citizen Kane: Yes, it took me this long to actually watch this movie for the first time. I was dubious at first, because I’ve seen so many movies that claim to be the best thing you’ve ever seen in your life, and then fall gloriously short of your expectations. This, however, did not do that. I can see why this is a classic. And now you can all be aghast at all the movies that I liked better!

23. Sing 2: Help, I’m crying over Bono the lion dilf! Also this movie is fun and beautiful to look at and the music is amazing. I’m also a proponent of the Shitty Crime Uncle Jimmy Crystal Domestication idea.

22. The People Under the Stairs: More movies should be about the power of community action and solidarity in the face of exploitative gentrification and also blowing up your landlord’s booby-trapped torture dungeon and freeing their kidnapped cannibalistic troll children into the wild.

21. Sense and Sensibility: I’ve never cared that much about Sense and Sensibility as a book - it was strictly middle tier. This movie has changed that. I actually like Edward now, because Hugh Grant just plays him like the autistic king he was always meant to be.

20. Shiny Happy People: No, I do not care that this was a miniseries, it's too good not to include. Watching this show will make you want to deck every evangelical asshat that crosses your path and also terrified of the amount of influence they have in the USA.

19. Black Christmas: Where Chainsaw was kinda boring with a great climax, Black Christmas hits the ground running and doesn't really stop. It's scary, tense, and cinematically gorgeous.

18. Mannequinn: Yes, I liked this movie better than Citizen Kane. No one should listen to my opinion about anything. But it doesn't matter because it's dumb, campy fun and I want Hollywood Montrose to be my auntie.

17. Wishmaster: Absolute ham-to-ham combat between Andrew Divoff, Robert Englund, Tony Todd, Tom Savini. Some amazing practical effects. I wanna kiss the djinn right on the mouth. Only complaint is that I wish the sex pest friend who kept pestering Sam for a date would have stayed dead.

16. From Beyond: This movie had three of my favorite things in the world - moistened puppets, my mommy Barbara Crampton dressing up in a sexy outfit (thank you, Ms. Crampton *blows kiss*), and Jeffrey Combs being a sad, wet kitten man.

15. Renfield: I like that we're making movies about scary vampires again. It's nice. Also Nic Cage is quickly going the way of Daniel Craig and Robert Pattinson - they need to be cast as weird little guys for enrichment purposes.

14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem: Animation? Charming and daring. Characters? I'm adopted all of them, and loving that all the turtles are actually voiced by children. Superfly? Got me feeling a way. Shredder being teased at the end? Where'd my panties go? Also this movie got me to sixty, so everyone say thank you to Shae for nice, round numbers.

13. Paris Is Burning: It's a classic of LGBT film, if you haven't watched it just to get a taste of the glorious world of drag ball culture, you need to. Stop what you're doing and watch Paris Is Burning. Now. This is a not a request. I will report you.

12. It's a Wonderful Life: I've never seen this show all the way through, so I fixed that this year, and goddamn I always forget how much I like Jimmy Stewart until I see him in another good movie. This movie also got him investigated by the House Un-American Activities Committee for communist sentiments, so all my little anarchists should watch it.

11. Return of the Living Dead: I'd like everyone to meet my husband, Tar Man. He's gonna eat your brains, you'll love it.

10. Re-Animator: I'll never get tired of watching Herbert West being a sassy little cunt to everyone around him, including his co-dependent boyfriend whom he should kiss directly on the mouth. My only complaint is the...um...scene with Dr. Hill's head and Meg. That's all I'm gonna say about it. Because it makes me extremely uncomfy and I can't even enjoy Barbara Crampton's tits because of it.

9. Bride of Re-Animator: Herbert and Dan should have just taken their beautiful daughter to live out the rest of their happy lives at the seaside. Also the effects are fucking amazing. That'll happen when your special effects guys is credited as "Screamin' Mad George".

8. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts: Catch me shrieking like a possessed baboon throughout this entire movie. Everything about it made me happy, from Bumblebee being a bamf to Ron Perlman as Optimus Primal to literally everything about Peter Cullen's Optimus. I will never be over him having enough of Scourge's shit and ripping out his spine.

7. Puss in Boots: The Last Wish: Can't talk. Too blown away by the fact Dreamworks put out one of the most visually stunning and vibrant animated films they have in decades. They are back babey.

6. Glass Onion: I cannot wait to see what else we get from Benoit Blanc. He's the blorbo from my shows and I adore him. Also you know he called up Marta after he got home and was like "hey, there's this friend of mine I want you to meet, I think you guys will get along swimmingly" while fully intending to play matchmaker.

5. Everything Everywhere All At Once: "Nothing matters so being kind and compassionate is even more important" is genuinely such a beautiful thing for a film to say, and I'm glad I finally got a chance to see it in a movie where people fight with dildos and Jamie Lee Curtis' outfit was based on a stock photo.

4. Nope: Jordan Peele owns my soul at this point.

3. To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar: I expected Priscilla but American, and was given a really heartfelt, sweet movie and I legit forgot several times that Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes, and John Leguizamo were cis men.

2. Barbie: I recommend Barbie to literally everyone who asks me about it. It's my religion now. Everything about it is delightful and

1. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse: This movie is utter perfection. I would marry it if I could.

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

🔥🔥🔥 - 4., 7., 10.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I have far too many stories to count lolZ but the most recent one was being called a bitch by said person and that was just so fucked I backed out of their hard. Someone calling someone a bitch is a major major red flag for me. As far as I know they don’t think that was even wrong or bad so definitely was a good call lolZ.

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

This is actually really hard because for pretty much all of the characters I hated them because of their in show actions and the fndm and how they treated the character made it worse vs being the reason I hated them. The closest I have to the fndm making me hate a character is probably Robyn. I disliked her quiet a bit when I first saw her but it wasn’t like I twitch every time I hear her name the fndm most definitely did that with how much they insisted she was actually “the only one helping Mantle” and how she “knew Ironwood was bad” and how they made her out to be some epic hero fighting for the people when in reality she’s just a whiny selfish brat.

She massively escalated her attacks because she won what she thought was a fair election. She specifically targeted a government project that she had no clue what it was for rather then the rich billionaire who was the actual person causing a mass majority of the problems she had currently. Jacques was the one who laid off hundreds if not thousands of people because he was no longer making billions of dollars. He’s the one who has “controversial labor practices” not James. He’s the one who decided to work with a terrorist out of greed. Jacques is the one who squeezed Mantel until it broke NOT JAMES. He was trying to restore global communication he gave Mantel protection and did things like assign a hunter to watch school children that really did not need it but gave the parents comfort. He did what he could to help but Robyn threw a fit like a child when she was told no she didn’t need to know this classified information. She is not a hero and an insult to every other Robyn Hood out their.

10. worst part of fanon

The rewriting of literally everything James did ever to try and make him secretly evil the entire time. Him giving Yang a free prosthetic? He was just trying to manipulate her so she would owe him. Standing up for Weiss? More manipulation. Him telling the council in Vale the truth about how the Grimm got into the city and why? It’s him trying to hostilely take over Vale and overthrow Ozpin.

He is not allowed to do anything good or even morally gray anymore according to the fndm it’s just all evil and it’s so exhausting. James was not a monster. Every action he took wasn’t him being shady and evil. He is a man living in a world that is stuck in a terrible predicament forcing him and others to make morally gray choices in the name of survival. It’s not evil. The fndms refusal to look at anything with even a slight morally complexity is just so damn tiring. Characters are allowed to make gray or even bad decisions and not be pure evil. They’re allowed to make mistakes and disagree and not be absolutely perfect. And I do not understand the fndms refusal to see this besides their obsession with CR/WBY to an unhealthy degree.

[rainbowserenity]

I just finished Parsimony and I loved it! I originally started reading it when you first published it, but IRL stuff got in the way so I've been sitting in its suspense for god knows how long. I loved the way Hope's conflict of believing that he was taking another's place, and Lightning calling him out like. "this is the way it is, you're getting too hung up on your belief that it can't be who you are now that's actually real."

It's definitely inspiring me to think about how Hope and Lightning idk will always find a connection to each other? That they're engrained in each other's being (esp quite literally wrt Hope & Light's knife) and that even so they can pick up where they left off. I'm also curious abt the explicit repercussions of the "confirmation" Hope gave and how it affected Light. Moreso as a fun thought experiment.

I'm also wondering what it would be like if their roles were reversed, especially bc Lightning harbored such heavy guilt over Serah and is self-sacrificial for those she cares about.

I'd ask about your thoughts on ppl making works inspired by any of yours, but my backlog of wips is.... well, we don't talk about that...

I've had an incredibly shitty week so far and I'm teetering on the edge of a migraine, but I swear this message just cured me and made everything better ;____; THANK YOU THIS IS SO SWEET <333333333333

I'm so glad you enjoyed the fic! I know way too much about fics sitting in suspense, yall don't even want to KNOW how many open tabs are on my phone lmaaaao

the whole fic probably would've been way more dramatic if their roles had been reversed - partially because, like you said, Lightning's so self-sacrificial, but also because it'd take her a billion years to even accept that she ended up having ~*feelings*~ for Hope ;D I'm still convinced that it didn't really hit her until the end of LR, when he pulls her out of the darkness. although if she'd seen him in person in his fabulous adult body before then...(͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) my wip backlog is probably just as bad, if not worse lolol but I would LOVE to see works inspired by mine!!! it'd be an honor that something I did would be so inspirational <33333 but seriously, thank you SO much again for this message <33333 I really needed it and I'm so grateful you took the time to reach out just to tell me that you loved the fic!

[thedawningofthehour]

I think that's the worst part, even in his final moments Draxum won't realize he made a mistake, and all he ultimately did was change one bad situation to another bad situation only worse, all because Draxum doesn't understand people as much as he understands science and fails to realize that in essence, the Yōkai are still human. Not to mention that he will left Galois to deal with a situation he's not prepared for.

Galois will undoubtedly have it worse, as he will not be able to understand why on earth they are fighting each other, aren't they all the same now? This is not what his father said would happen.

I just have another question, where will Bella and Pax be in all this? Let me guess, Bella will die trying to stop Draxum.

Now I'm curious how it would be if Draxum had won in the timeline in which he managed to keep all four turtles from the beginning?

That is a really good analysis, A+. Draxum is fun to write because he's not so full of himself that he thinks he's infallible-he's just very stupid in certain situations. He might be willing to admit he was wrong, (eventually) but he wouldn't until he understood how he was wrong. And he'd have a very hard time understanding this.

It also sucks for Galois because he is absolutely not 'leader' material and Draxum is not training him for any sort of political office. He's grooming him to take over his science man position, not his military general and world leader one. But people would look to him for leadership once Draxum was gone, and without people like his brothers and April and everyone he wouldn't have the resources to break himself out of the mindset Draxum built him into. I can just imagine him wanting to work on some advanced space travel thing while everyone is asking him to address some racial conflict or run for World President or something, and he's like "leave me ALONE, I literally gave you the technology to make a utopia, do you want me to press the buttons for you?! What the fuck are the rest of you here for?!!" Ironically, Cass would make a decent political leader herself, but she wouldn't be viewed as Draxum's 'true' heir since she's not his legal daughter.

I actually had Bella die at first, lol. Way back when she was supposed to be a super minor character and only be physically present in about two scenes, she was supposed to die off-screen and it would fuel some later character development (or devolvement) of Draxum's. I feel like she's too popular now to kill her off in that manner though. If I did have her die I'd give her a very heroic death, probably while protecting Leo. (I'm not gonna have her die, don't worry. I might fuck her up though, and I'm wondering if Leo should lose his arm at some point)

If Draxum did get to his endgoal, yeah I expect Bella would end up dying trying to prevent it. She's incredibly intelligent but she's also hot-headed enough to throw herself at things with no regard for herself. Draxum would probably try to do the same thing as with the turtles and just move her to the other side of the world so she'll live out her life in peace, but I could see her just killing herself to make a point to her uncle.

Pax would probably end up getting killed as well, though by the resistance. His kindness and aversion to conflict makes him easy to manipulate, and he'd be an easy target. Ironically, he'd make a great political leader himself if it wasn't for his trauma-induced mutism and difficulty trusting people.

I mean, he would have lost so fucking hard if he had gone with his original plan. If anything, it might have ended up here anyway, with just Draxum and Donnie after the other boys are killed, because one squadron is not going to kill billions of people. But also I feel like Splinter would have killed Draxum himself and taken Donnie away after Draxum got his other kids killed. It would be really nice to imagine a 'everything is fine' AU where Draxum abandons his plans and marries Lou and they raise their children together, (with cool cousin Pax and vodka aunt Bella) but I truly don't think anything could have convinced Draxum that humans weren't the problem before he was forced to live with them.