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Do I even need to say anything at this point

'Brother in arms' oh they were in each other's arms alright

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I was afraid that I maybe won't be able to fit Mustafa and Mihrunissa's sexually charged sword fight into my Muslicali headcanons AND BOY WAS I EVER WRONG. In fact, I am going to write my first Muslicali Missing Scene of this season, like right now - although I'll probably publish it later with the others.

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Okay, Mustafa, I understood your worries for Mihrunissa before, but you're seriously flirting with Edward Cullen-esque condescention. STOP IT.

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Oh, fuck off, Barbarossa, there are limits on who exactly is allowed to derive pleasure from other people's pain, and you certainly aren't one of them! No, not even if that pain is Rüstem's!

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My, my, Fatma really likes to play the Auntie Advice with naive girls around her that she can use for her own purposes. I am probably going to find it much less funny once Mihrimah, who really should've known better, gets caught in her orbit, but for now, let me play the Advice Auntie myself: Do not. Ever. Under any circumstances. Listen to Fatma. She's either manipulating you, or being her genuinely stupid self. And look, I love her as a character! It's fun to have a female character that actively weaponizes friendships with other women! It's just that it usually doesn't end up well for the friends in question, even if Fatma herself has a cockroach-like ability to get out of all sorts of trouble.

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Oooh, Fatma, Nazenin, Nurbanu and Dilşah have a four-way annoying off, how exciting! Okay, Fatma isn't really participating this time, probably resting after her last great feat of annoyingness, when she talked to Hürrem earlier that day. And it was so nice of Canfeda to provide us with the legendary Nurbanu-Dilşah match! (Seriously, girl, what were you thinking?! That one "and no fighting!" is going to stop the two biggest egos in this palace???)

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Seriously, why is everyone acting as if Nurbanu is so much skinnier than all the other women in the harem, I feel like I am taking crazy pills

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"Ranch needs to be renovated." - Not my mind immediately jumping to a possible Gentleman Jack-esque story about Mihrunissa, an odd, fiercely independent landowner jumping between whipping her estate to shape and sailing the seven seas (or at least the Mediterranean). She's even queer! Well, for me at least. In my mind Mustinissa is a bi4bi couple, sue me.

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"As a sailor's daughter, I am used to being alone." - Ah, yes, ships are famous for being places where you can get away from people for long periods of time.

Okay, that one would make some sense if we take "alone" as "responsible for her own movements and not under protection/custody of a man", like she ran some errands for dad as his deputy and had an authority over the crew or something.

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"You also know that the easiest way to a man's heart passes trough his bed." - Fatma, as far as I know, you're not a man??? Seriously though, this one just sounds like projection (or some regressive, but unfortunately realistic attitudes towards men, women and their sexuality, but projection is funnier and also plausible).

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I don't know if Hürrem constantly bringing up Fatma's sisters is the flex she thinks it is. I mean, she did withstand all of their numerous attacks, but also, she wasn't the one who destroyed either Hatice (who just killed herself when people other than Hürrem were about to expose her crimes) or Şah (who just randomly got stupider before getting pwned by Mihrimah of all people).

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So not only is Selim completely immune to whiskey dick, but he can perfectly recall the events of the previous day the morning after and doesn't even seem to have that big of a hangover? Damn, that's SOME Slavic liver!

For real tho, Selim is an asshole, but I do feel bad for him in this case. Poor guy is genuinely traumatized.

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Valeria is very disappointed by not getting more of that elderly dick on a dry vagina action... I mean I kinda get it, she was Süleyman's first concubine since Firuze, she must've felt pretty special and Sümbül telling her not only was that the only time she gets to meet sultan himself, but that there will be others - well, that had to sting.

Speaking of: were there any others? Like offscreen, not plot relevant ones? At least before Nazenin was revealed to be pregnant? Riddle for the ages, I tell ya! Listen, I don't even have a headcanon on this one, I can't have a headcanon for everything!

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I once said that Fatma hatun was the only one of the Topkapi virgins that was any good at seduction, so now I'd like to issue a formal apology, because honestly Nurbanu's actions are clearly premeditated, but also highly effective. I mean, I at least would be fanning myself and sighing dreamily if I was in Selim's place, hangover notwithstanding...

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Bayezit is being a whiny bitch as usual, and here comes Cihangir, being his usual adorable smoll bean self - looking forward to his new boat and telling Bayezit he'll have Kütahya instead if he doesn't want it. Which sounds like a splendid idea, but alas noone in this show listens to me.

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"I will have no sun..." - Hürrem's proclamations here are so dramatic that if Süleyman heard her, his old man penis might not have survived it.

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Wait, what does Fatma mean by "running away" from harem? Was it, like, a hyperbole for a voluntarily chosen love match? Or did she genuinely try to escape? Is it just about going away under the guise of visiting her sisters or brother in Manisa? Chat, does anyone have any idea whatsoever?