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reeshyz · 2 years ago

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Title: 24 Reasons Pairing: Richard Z. Kruspe / Till Lindemann Presentee: @kitthefox Prompt: Advent Calendar Warnings/Tags: Mutter Era | Drug mention | Angst & Hurt / Comfort Word Count: 2.374 Summary: Richard wants to leave the band. He feels like he needs something else. Something new. Till shows him that there is a reason to stay. Read on AO3: here ♪

The pre-production for their new album was almost done, but the band was still kinda restless. Richard feels mostly angry these days, but he still tries to hold himself back. He doesn’t like any of the shit they have managed to record so far.

“I’m just saying, we could look over the songs again. I think there is something missing,” Richard says quietly. Paul who sits opposite him sighs very loudly and puts his guitar away. Thank god, the thrumming had been giving Richard a headache anyway.

“Look, we get that most of the songs aren’t your typical style, but we all decided that we wanted to try something new,” Schneider says and he takes another sip of his coffee. Richard looks down to his own mug for a second.

Tomorrow they would all leave Heiligendamm and settle down before Christmas. December is so close now, Richard feels like he can already smell the snow that would soon settle over the landscape. Only a few more days, but Richard knows that he doesn’t want to record their album like this.

His hands are shaking.

“I don’t want my name on a record like this,” Richard answers. He tries to keep his voice light and playful, but it doesn’t work out. He can see how Ollie closes his eyes and looks away. Paul sighs.

“I mean you’re also free to just leave the band,” Schneider says now and Richard bites down on his lower lip. They really had fought a lot the last few days and Richard knows he said some very bad things too.

Richard knows he has hurt his friends and yet he feels so unsatisfied with their new music, that he just can’t shut up. He doesn’t understand how they can not see it? They have much more potential than that.

“If it means that I don’t have to see your face again, sure,” Richard replies, the anger taking over again and there is nothing he can do about it. This time Schneider gets slowly up, Richard happily looks up at him, not backing away at all.

“Guys…,” Flake whispers behind them, but they ignore it.

“You don’t mean that. You’re too cowardly,” Schneider says and there is a nasty grin on his face. Richard wonders sometimes what happened between them all. There are so many rifts between them now.

His drugs caused most of them, but not everything. It’s not his fault that they can’t see his vision.

“Watch me,” Richard says slowly and with that he turns around and walks out of the room.

“Oh we will be glad that you’re gone!” Schneider yells after him.

Richard doesn’t answer. Instead he goes upstairs first and walks into his own room. There he takes a deep breath and then slowly packs his personal stuff back into his suitcase and puts his favorite guitar on top of it.

He would ask someone else to get the rest of his stuff. Right now he doesn’t care too much about this. He doesn’t care too much about any of this. Richard opens his nightdrawer and takes out a small bag.

Only to find it empty. He slams it against the wall.

Richard’s fingers are shaking even more now and so he walks outside on his balcony for a second. At least he still has some cigarettes left, so he carefully lightens one and blows the smoke out into the cold night.

Here it’s so quiet. Richard ignores that he’s shaking a bit already, because he’s just wearing his soft jumper. Instead he looks down to the small town they’re staying in. It looks so peaceful. So schön.

There’s a knock on his door.

Richard huffs, but stays silent otherwise. The door opens anyway and Richard knows it’s Till because nobody else would dare to do that. Richard slowly turns around and there he is. The singer looks sad, Richard’s heart out of stone, squeezes painfully in his chest.

He’s not even sure when he turned into this version of himself. Normally Richard loves to show his affection or gets bathed in it, but lately…

Till looks so broken, when he comes outside on the balcony as well, surely he had seen the suitcase.

“Will you really leave?”

“Yes.”

Richard can see how much that hurts Till. He doesn’t take it back though. He knows that he has to leave right now. Otherwise he would just end up hurting himself and the others even more.

He just never wanted to hurt Till.

“When?”

“Probably tomorrow, before anyone wakes up. I wrote Joey already,” Richard says and Till nods slowly. Richard takes another drag from his cigarette, he slowly feels himself calm down. Till always had that energy on him, even without doing anything.

“Is there… any way I can make you stay?” Till asks so softly. So hurt. Richard swallows his own feelings down. He had always been rather good at that.

“I don’t think so,” Richard admits. There is of course a way, but Richard would never tell him about that. He’s not stupid or particular has a death wish. He kinda needs his best friend in the way he has him now.

“And how long will you be gone?” Till dares to ask. Richard looks at him now. There are still some street lights on behind them, but the moon is already up as well and Till looks so beautiful like this.

As if someone can read his thoughts, it slowly starts to snow. Richard looks into the sky for a moment.

“I’m not sure yet,” Richard whispers back. He doesn’t want to leave the band forever… at least he thinks so, even now. But maybe the others wouldn’t want him back after he leaves. Richard sighs.

“I hate this,” Till mutters almost too quietly for him to hear. Richard nods.

“I’m sorry,” Richard offers and Till steps even closer to him. When he holds his arms out, Richard playfully rolls his eyes, but lets himself be hugged anyway. It feels good and he flicks his cigarette away, so he can cuddle against Till’s chest.

“Do you know where you will go?” Till asks and there is so much hope in his voice. Maybe he thinks that Richard would just leave Heiligendamm. Richard knows the next sentence will hurt him as well.

“New York,” Richard answers and Till breaks the hug. His green eyes are so wide and so full of pain. Richard presses a cold hand to Till’s cheek and he tries to smile.

“W-what do you mean?”

“I thought for a while about this. Joey offered to help me settle down there,” Richard says and both sentences are the truth. He had been thinking for weeks about this and yes he feels bad, but he knows this will be better for all of them.

It’s what he tells himself at night, when he wakes up crying.

“This band needs you,” Till says and Richard squeezes his eyes shut, when Till’s voice breaks. That’s why he wanted to leave overnight. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Till, he had known how much this would hurt him.

“I don’t think so anymore,” Richard admits, his own voice shaking and he hastily wipes over his eyes, before he’d start to cry like an idiot in front of Till. Sure he had cried in front of him before, Till is the only who had ever seen him cry besides his parents maybe, but he has to stay strong now.

For both of them.

“Will you… will you ever come back?” Till asks the question Richard doesn’t want to hear. He’s not sure about that yet, so he doesn’t answer. He had already tried once to leave Till and his feelings behind, because he knows he’s not good enough for someone like Till, but back then it hadn’t worked.

Till nods to himself and then walks back inside. For a moment Richard thinks that he will just leave, because Till even walks out of his room. Instead it takes only a moment, before Till is back.

This time he’s holding a package in his hands.

“I want you to have it. I… I made it for you and I originally wanted to give it to you in a few days, but… you should have it now,” Till says and he holds the package out. Richard slowly takes it, noticing that it’s rather light.

It’s starting to snow even harder now, it looks beautiful in Till’s dark hair.

“Thank you,” Richard whispers. Till leans closer and presses a soft kiss to Richard’s cheek.

“Maybe… maybe it will make you come back to me,” Till says and before Richard can reply again, Till turns around and really leaves this time.

Richard isn’t sure how long he stays out there on his balcony.

“Hey what the hell is this?” Joey asks, when he finds the package a few days later, buried underneath other stuff. For now Richard is staying at Joey’s. He doesn’t have an apartment in New York yet.

“Uhm… something Till gave me,” Richard answers and he slowly takes the package in his own hands. He hadn’t opened it so far, so he sits down on his couch and does that now.

“Oh.”

“What is it?” Joey wants to know and Richard holds it up.

“It’s an advent calendar. Seems like Till really… made this for me,” Richard says and he can’t help but tear up at the thought. He tries to swallow his tears down and nods to himself. That is so sweet and thoughtful.

“Open it then! Today is the first of December!” Joey says, sounding so excited himself. Richard feels so bad. He hadn’t even called Till or anything when he had landed. He had been so sure that this would be the best for them.

Richard’s hands are shaking when he opens the first little bag. It reminds him of the night he had last seen Till. He misses him so much.

Inside the bag is a bit of chocolate, which makes Richard smile and a small piece of paper. He’s not sure if he wants to open it.

Joey is still watching him, his smile so encouraging.

Richard takes another deep breath and then opens it. He can see that Till wrote that with his fancy pen.

“Reason 1 why I’m in love with you: You are everything I never knew I needed. I wanna stay with you forever,” Richard reads out loud.

“Oh shit,” Joey says and Richard nods.

This time he can’t help those tears. Fuck. Richard slowly turns away from Joey and hides his face in his hands. He misses Till so much.

Till - who actually loves him.

Richard would think that this is a joke, but Till would never make a joke about something like this. Richard’s heartbeat picks up again and he sobs into his hands. He wants to go back home. To his Till.

“I m-miss him,” Richard says and he hears how Joey gets up. Joey pats him on the back and then gives him his phone. Richard takes it and Joey leaves him alone for the moment.

Richard clicks on Till’s number. He isn’t even sure how late it is already in Germany, but he needs to speak to him now.

“Scholle?”

“I love you too,” Richard bursts out and he winces when he realizes that he hadn’t even said anything else. Till is chuckling though. It’s Richard’s favorite sound in the world (besides his guitar).

“You mean that?” Till asks and Richard imagines him blushing. He wants to see that. He wants to touch the blush, feel it. Rub his cheek against Till’s and make him laugh.

“Yeah. I’m sorry that… Till I… I miss you. I opened the advent calendar. Please, don’t tell me that it’s too late to come back home,” Richard says and Till makes a surprised sound.

“It will never be too late. I will always wait for you,” Till whispers and Richard’s throat closes up again. Before he knows it he’s already crying again. Till makes a soothing noise and hums quietly into the phone.

“I was so dumb. I thought I need distance, but… all I need is you,” Richard admits and while he feels kinda silly about sounding so romantic it also sounds right.

“Why did I bother to write down 24 reasons why I’m in love with you, when I already won you over with the first one,” Till says now and he laughs so cutely again. Richard is for sure blushing himself now.

“I’m in love with you for years,” Richard mumbles back.

“Good. Does that mean I get an advent calendar too?” Till laughs and this time Richard laughs as well.

In the end he doesn’t know how long they spend on the phone together, but he falls asleep with Till’s voice in his ears.

He wishes he could always have this and for the first time he actually believes he could have this.

A week later Richard is almost falling asleep on Till’s chest.

He had been right after all. He had needed a new perspective and a break from the band. But never a break from Till. He just needed to be even closer to him.

Till carefully strokes through his hair, before he presses a kiss against his temple. Richard hums and nudges him, so Till would finally read the newest letter of the advent calendar.

It’s his favorite thing in the world.

Till laughs and starts to read. Richard blushes and squirms a bit, but he has to say that he really enjoys hearing what Till loves about him (even if he doesn’t agree sometimes).

In may they would meet up with the band again in southern france. But right now Richard doesn’t want to think about them again.

Right now he wants Till to open his own calendar. Richard had bought that one in New York, since he didn’t have time to actually make one of his own. But Till loves the chocolate one, he had said.

Maybe next year he would make Till an advent calendar with 24 songs only for him. Richard smiles.

Yeah.

He likes that idea.

#reehshyz advent calendar #tillchard

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